Kristi Noem VS Puppies

who would have thought by the way who would have thought that it would be this Administration that it would be Biden's White House that brought us apparently the most dangerous dog of all time if you didn't read the story basically Biden's dog name Commander by the way that's that's a Cojo ass name right there that Commander what happened to skip like anyway Biden's dog is on record they they've been keeping a tally for biting people at the White House 24 [Laughter] times no dog should bite more times than years you expected to Live 24 is a high number and I think a lot of people are looking at this the wrong way I really do a lot of people are out here being like I can't believe they letting this dog run a muck in the white house why can't buy control his dog everything I think they're looking at it the wrong way I'll be honest with you because in my opinion I'm on I'm on Commander's side I really am because a lot of these dogs out here they wear the vest they wear the vest say emotional support dog and they talk about them being emotional support dogs but they not really about that life every emotional support dog I've ever seen has been very passive and now we want to punish one for taking action Commander just got good ears that's all it is his ears good as dogs have great ears Commander hear everything he in the white house he hears people people here's people on the other side of walls behind doors talking Shifty behind Biden's back you know how politics can be and then they walk out into the [Laughter] hallway and Commander standing there looking at him like call my dad old [Laughter] [Applause] again no don't back up don't back up no he was talking all that good [ __ ] earlier what say it [Laughter] again you know what trips me out about this story you know what really stresses me out about it is that when you read the story Biden's dog is on record biting 24 times that's what's recorded which means they are definitely unrecorded bites that's just the on people felt like stay defile something some people went to the White House got bit and didn't want to stand around to be like it was him o [Music] the other thing that really trips me out about this story is that the dog is on record biting 24 times never said 24 people which means somebody getting bit extra [Laughter] there's a chance this dog is only bitten five people he bit four people once and then some poor some poor dude named Wallace was just catching it nonstop once a week he knew he knew that ass was grass he knew I'd like to think I'm sure that for that many bites that means that Commander bit somebody in at least one of uh Joe Biden's Zoom backgrounds buying on with the prime minister of somewhere you just see somebody in the background going [Laughter] like um but I think they're looking at it the wrong way I really do know talking about why is this dog even in the white house he bit Secret Service just make Commander Secret Service you know Secret Service is is very predictable I actually worked at the tonight's show when Obama visited and so Secret Service was there and you see them in action look big dudes look very Men in Black they got the shades they got the earpiece everything they're standing next to the door I'm not going to lie that must be like hell where you secret service cuz anytime you standing next to a door there are people that like is the president behind that [Laughter] door but yeah you would see secret Ser stand there and look I'm I'm sure they're very good at their job I'm sure they could kill you any manner of ways but tell me what's more intimidating a dude standing in there that you might be able to get past or a random dog a random dog standing in the hallway that we know [Laughter] bites it would fit so many different things if they would just let Commander be secret service it really would you know sometimes Biden is giv a speech and look look please it's it's fine it's me you don't have to hold back all right it's me don't I'm I'm your friend don't pull back on me we all know that sometimes Biden is giv a speech and we are like just get through it [Applause] [Applause] we all know it you know it's fine you don't look I'm I'm just stating the fact all right don't pull back on me I also voted for the men Fox News is not here right now we can all be [Applause] honest sometimes not every time not every day but sometimes Biden is giving a speech and at lowkey look like he having side conversations with death we've all seen it he is addressing the nation and then out of nowhere he'll be like and he cussing death out too like you really he really let Death happen you said you wouldn't take me on a [Music] Thursday why don't you get out my face I'm trying to and then he'll turn back to the camera like we didn't see any of that the man is getting distracted sometimes it happens it happens happens to all of us you know you get distracted but I think that's why you need Commander instead of just Secret Service standing behind and being all quiet that everything you have Commander walking in front of the [Laughter] podium stalking looking for who he likes who he doesn't like Commander sees somebody and he's like hey cut that out Commander getting loud is exactly what Biden needs every 30 seconds you know give him the speed he go to turn oh is everybody wins I love being here though cuz y'all are y'all are y y'all are great you know genuinely I don't know like some parts of Portland do confuse me cuz and I'm not acting like I did the reading so just let me be dumb for a second you don't need to explain any of it I'm just say it did 12 Bridges is a lot at 12 Bridges I don't know if everybody tried to get in or everybody tried to get out out but that's that's a lot of bridges that sounds like y'all just let somebody go like you just let somebody cook who really like making Bridges like everywhere you took them he was like you don't be dope right here like don't don't say it Stephen don't say it no no we put a bridge right here oh it's going to be lit and it won't but there's a bridge right there Steve and it's like yeah but you're not always over there sometimes you over here and over here doesn't have a bridge I'm trying to bring people together you're trying to block blessings s 12 Bridges is so much I don't look this this girl to make me sound Dumber I don't even know where all at at 12 Bridges one of those bridges got be the Narnia there's no way that y'all have 12 different Bridges going somewhere that's that's crazy I just I like I like being here cuz y'all are very very self-aware people maybe the most self-aware of any City that I've ever met this is this generally distra you'll just be making a general observation like man things are kind of kind of odd here and y'all are like we know [Laughter] we try you know and you'll be like I'm not complaining I'm not complaining I've had very good food since I've been but y'all have some of the most like it it's it's it's it's too many weird things at once do you know what I mean that's my if I could get if I could give you a note [Laughter] as a city you have mixed and matched the weird in too many different ways as to not seem like you are on planet Earth I was just trying to have some eggs benedict and it's crazy you you you in a place where you getting delicious eggs bended and somebody's balls are out right next to you I'm over here diping in my hollay I just I like I have not this this is my thing all of this I have not been here long all of Portland happened to me today [Laughter] at least New York gives you like a second before someone robs you they let they let you we they let you get situated get a little comfortable let your guard down then they snatch you y'all just come right out the pocket I met somebody I acting crazy as hell not even just just like just czy yourself and that was my Uber driver that's like y'all really don't mess around y'all y'all want people to know so I do y'all some of the most creative I'm just trying to use nice words for it I like saw a dude in with a cape wearing a computer monitor dancing to no music this man just all the street like all right Blown Blown Away but I've had had some good food since I've been y'all y'all are interested cuz it's like y'all are weird but also like some of y'all just very very healthy health conscious healthy food and everything this seemed like the only city in America that that might have organic crack [Laughter] [Applause] like y'all are really doing it all nothing [Music] do y'all already know about Christy Nome like is this oh yeah okay if you don't know she's uh a politician for now she's in South Dakota and she has blown up I mean I'm I'm technically late to the story like she blew up on uh the news and every platform because everyone thought that she was like the front runner to be Trump's VP pick and she released a book you know to just capitalize on that possibility uh was releasing a book around now and in the book she tells a story about shooting her puppy I know and I when I first heard about cuz I heard about it before I read about it when I first heard about it I was like nobody's that nobody's that dumb to just volunteer a story about them doing the one thing that'll bum everybody out Across America no matter what yeah like and she's telling the story and she she relays the story like a War Story or something and basically she you know she shot the dog and then uh after she shot the dog she was walking back to her house uh I guess very proud of herself and then she saw her goat and she was like I might as well you know cuz I got more than one bullet in the and then she kills her goat and then she told everyone and I feel like there's a whole thing of politicians being out of touch right like you know like sometimes you'll hear about a politician saying something doing something you know like good a good example is like the way that people were during the pandemic how they would just be like oh well now's the time to dip into our savings it's like what what are you talking about hour right it's a very out of touch thing to say because you as a politician are very rich because every single one of them in Congress usually at least engages in some form of insider trading and very few of them are trying to stop it you know so out of touch is one thing killing your dog and telling everybody about it that sounds like somebody that wants to retire but doesn't know how you I mean like political Life's a bit much but when I leave I want to make sure they don't keep bugging me to come back you know I want to make sure when I'm gone it's for good yeah and uh she also she keeps getting banned there are a lot of reservations in South Dakota and the leaders of each of these reservations keep voting and passing to ban her from stepping on the reservation like ban her from the premises which is like a good portion of the state like a lot of I've never seen somebody get kicked out of outside like [Laughter] you know what I mean cuz at a certain point you like you just vote for them to get shot in a space or something like this is cuz I respect what I respect what the native people were saying because she was saying a lot about the reservation she was saying that that's where all of the crime comes from and that the cartels go through the reservations specifically and they were like not only do you not have proof of what you're saying is deeply offensive and you shoot dogs I don't want you anywhere around my children my home or anything I feel like the only thing to do now is is lock her in a room with Biden's dog and like just just for them to talk you I mean just so like you know he could probably he can probably get through to her better than a human can cuz we already tried talking it out I uh I feel very blessed to live in this time you know I don't know if I lived in any other time if I would have made it I will say that in a self- deicated way I just look I hear stories from my mom stories from my grandparents stories from just the past I watch documentaries and I'm like sounds rough yeah I mean and I I'm I'm from a rougher time than now because the present is usually better than the past and gives you hope for the future and everything like I remember when uh I remember when text messages weren't unlimited I remember when you know what's crazy before text messages were unlimited there would be a lot of time where I want to text somebody they maybe they were going through something maybe they were and I want to text them but I only had so many and remember minutes remember phone men okay if anybody in here is very young okay so this is a rough concept to explain cuz it makes me sound like I'm from when the phone was invented but for any of the younger people in here just know that your your cell phone you making all these calls you phones didn't used to be loose like that phones used to be much tighter okay much stingier with time they basically broke down your phone into minutes and you had minutes that you could buy they even broke down the day cuz at first you had they charged you for minutes on minutes anytime you want to talk for an hour it was this much you want to talk for and then eventually when they realized how to support more phones they were like listen it's a you know 25 cents a minute on your little plan but everything's free after five and back in the day after 5:00 people's phones would blow up people would as soon as it hit 5:00 it's like I've been waiting to tell like the amount the amount of times the amount of times that it was like after 5: and then I got a call that actually was an emergency that I should have been called about at 2: but they didn't want to mess up their plan so then they were weighing how badly I needed to know the amount of calls about death I got at 5:00 p.m. I be like why do you call me when it happened he wouldn't be more or less dead if I waited why I got a burn minutes to tell you something that's going to be true in a couple hours oh it was a terrible time it was rough it was really bad and texting fell under minutes and so different phone compies had different plans so for some people one text was you know a quarter of a minute one text was half a minute some people if they were being very very if they were very expensive a text was a whole minute right so it could be a very short text it could be hey that's a minute that's which always felt crazy to me as a kid cuz I got my first cell phone later than my other friends since I didn't have money like that so I had to buy my own cell phone and supported myself with minutes and I remember I sent a text and and said hey and it would tell you how many minutes have been deducted every time you did something when you get off the phone it would tell you like that was 4 and 1/2 minutes or whatever and I remember I sent a text message said hey and it said I used a minute and I was like no no no no that wasn't a cuz cuz Hey is hey hey hey hey hey hey hey those weren't a minute that that I said hey I didn't say hey [Music] [Applause] how was that a minute how was that a minute and there was nobody to argue with because this what killed me because sometimes when you try to call customer service and tell them they messing up their minutes and they deducting wrong and everything it cost minutes to call them so now so now I'm on the phone with them like y'all need to hurry up and pick up because it's minutes it's minute minutes are happening now and do these minutes count they're like sir these minutes count cuz you're on your phone I'm like no but I'm talking to you about fixing my phone they were like yeah but you know you're on your phone I was like oh I think she trying to keep me on the phone right now I think she trying to burn out all my minutes because then she keep leaving and coming back and leaving and come what are you doing what are you doing errands right now why can't you just continue the conversation and answer my question so she got me burning through minutes anyway text messaging used to sometimes be a whole minute for one text right and I in a weird way I I wish we could go back to some form of limited text messages we all get too much we all get too many because this is the other problem with text thing that I have now now that it's unlimited people feel like you're obligated to them because they text you because they feel like it's the same as talking so as soon as they text you it doesn't matter when they text you as soon as they text you that's like them being like hey but when you don't say anything for several like if I if I said Hey to you right now and you just stared at me it'd be rude it'd be rude but you're also living your life you're not obligated to say hey to me cuz I said Hey to you you're living your life right but then then you'll see you'll text somebody especially if it's important you'll text somebody and then you you know you'll be like all right they'll text me when they get to it I hope it's soon because this is important and then maybe you're just on your phone maybe you open up Instagram or something and then you see a new post and then that new post is less than a minute old I'm like okay that's after I text them so they on their phone they on they on their phone and and then most phones a lot of those iPhones have that red thing that has red I don't know why people are snitching on themselves like that that's that's crazy cuz sometimes people tell me stuff in a text message I don't want to respond to so then why would I put red by Josh at 6:03 and now it's 7:42 and they know I read it right it was important we need to go back I don't know everything's always about more sometimes more is too much you know what would our lives be like if there was a limit a built-in limit you know where you could only sin I'll give you even a wide wide margin high ceiling let's say 200 text messages in a day I don't I don't think most people even hit that 200 but if but if you living a hectic life you know what I mean 200 is a pretty high ceiling I have friends being like no 200's that's way too low and I was like do you go to work what do you like what do you mean low what are y'all talking about you know I think I I think it should be like very low I think it should be like 25 25 feels reasonable to me because now there going to be people who hit you up who get your number you don't even know they happen to they hit you up and you're like I'm not going to waste a text on the who is this cuz that's what I used to do during the minutes right you used to get text you don't know this number you're like who is this your phone's like that was a minute it's like no it wasn't a minute though that doesn't take that long to say who is this I just said who who is this and they text me shouldn't it C every time you explain how Tech used to work to a young person I've said this before but it just feels like the Dark Ages feels like feels terrible like they would also charge you if somebody text you and I'm like that's not my fault that's not that's not I I can't control that over there cuz now you double dipping it should it should call it should charge the person who sent the text and then the person I'm just a listener I'm a bystander I waste I wasted five minutes one time not knowing somebody they were like hey how you doing I was like who is this and they were like it's Greg I was like I don't know a Greg and then they were like oh sorry wrong number five minutes what is what is my life [Music] charging me to open it like it's a secret every time your phone used to do that it used to be a phone you could buy the Dollar Tree and and then you put like 600 minutes on thinking that's a lot that's that's a lot 600 minutes that's crazy I won't get through that but then the way they rig it send a text message it says it's from mom cuz Mom is saved in my contacts right but then like damn can I afford to open [Music] it I'm on my last three minutes oo my last 3 minutes and this it just says mom it says unopen so the phone is coming like your mom text you you feel like knowing what it's [Music] about what if it's an emergency what if it's important go ahead open it up it'll just take a [Music] minute I can't tell the story is hilarious or heartbreaking I think you'll decide uh there's a pastor in Colorado that scammed his congregation out of $3.2 million no it's a heartwarming story it was uh it was all for crypto he made a coin he made a coin and he passed it off to his congregation saying that the Lord wanted to bless them and then they invested and then and he's now been caught and is being charged with fraud um and he pocketed 1.3 million of the 3.2 million and so he came out and he made a video and in the apology video he is very honest he's like listen the Lord spoke to my wife and I and said to you know make this coin and everything and I even said I even said to God he I like how he acts like God is a guy just like and that he's a guy that he can't get on the phone right now but was talking wild a couple weeks ago and so it's like and then look I was even asking God I was you know cuz I'm not even omniscient like God is I'm not over here like God and I even asked I was like where's the liquidity going to come from and and honestly if your pastor ever says liquidity to you that should be the first sign to run run as fast as you can as far away is possible and so he's like I even asked God where's the liquidity going to come from you know and God said trust me and so that I immediately told you it would be fine uh that's my B I want you to know out of that 1.3 million that my wife and I pocketed 500,000 went to the IRS which is a meaningless detail by the way like yes you paid your taxes but that's just a weird thing that the pastor did to be like hey look while we're being honest I got [ __ ] too okay IRS really get everybody don't they it's like as much as we hate their ass we not going to flip this around on there right now then he got caught and he's like you know yes we did spend it on some trips and and a and a home renovation that the Lord told us to do I'm starting to think that Lord is just some guy's last name to him just a Marcus Lord that does a lot of cocaine it's like I got a new coin you should tell your peeps you should get them in onest cuz i' I've read I've read a good portion of the of the Bible and then and I don't know no like I'm not saying I'm smarter than everyone that was in the congregation I'm expressly not saying that like but it is a thing where it's like if you read the Bible it what he's saying will be weird you know I mean like if you read the Bible and you have a general understanding of it what a guy comes to you and he's like listen the Lord about them gains okay okay I think it makes it easier for you to be like oh I think this guy is full of [ __ ] I thank you uh that that's that's a scary thing though is that like the there's a blurred line now blurred almost to the point of being indistinguishable between like pastors and influencers yeah you know what I mean like like a pastor used to be at least where I come from a a pastor used to at least be poor you know I mean when a pastor is poor they're very easy to believe cuz you see how poor they are and they're like oh you really about that life do G me like it's like a a poor Pastor is like a it's like a gang member that has been shot a few times where you can like you can see the lumps and you're like oh you really dangerous okay a pastor that's poor makes a more convincing argument cuz even when you try to check their work you're like if nothing else even if they are absolutely out of their mind they at least believe this because they're willing to decate their whole life to and to it exactly to it only right to whatever Mission they they feel like God has led them to they're willing to focus solely on that to the point of being completely removed from the world right so any worldly thing doesn't affect them they have no interest in it they're only focused on whatever the thing is maybe it's helping people maybe it's spreading the word may you know maybe it's knocking on doors at 6:00 a.m. or like you know what whatever they feel led to do and then a rich Pastor tells like a rich Pastor has a more Al alluring argument cuz a rich Pastor rolls up in a Rolls-Royce in a $10,000 suit with $200,000 watch and a pinky ring like the amount of pastors dressing like pimps needs to be talked about you he me it's like there's too there's too many wires Crossing with like I'll see a pastor dressed like fully like Don Bishop Juan and I'll be like oh yes you are pimping your congregation like I get like yes I get it wow and in their faces too you're Brazen with it cuz you dress rich in front of them and they're poor to make you rich and wow that is that is ballsy maybe you do have God's protection I that's crazy that you're going to do that in their face and then you tell them what you buy if you see these tell evangelist they tell the people they tell the people what they bought with the money that they said was going to missions and to CU When the plate is getting passed around it's so that we can help the poor and that we can spread the word and that we can you know sort of build up the the church to have things for you as a community one of the only reasons to have churches for a community just even doesn't even have to be fully like-minded people it could just be people that you feel like safe and in communion with and so yes sometimes everybody pulls their money together and then they're like you know what would be great is a a rec center for the kids and then a church will put all their money into building a building that could be a rec center for the kids so that they don't get in trouble there are lots of things and ways that that churches spend money that I do think are good and so when I see like a a mega Church's facilities I'm not immediately skeptical it's when I see the person and he's and he's dressed so much like a pimp like I cannot stress this enough it is full pimp outfit like it's to the point of tacky like we're not even talking about just cuz he has suit I'm talking about he has like they are all stopping short of a Cane like every they're millionaires in your face and they're telling you I have all this stuff because you know cuz God God bless me with this jet I purchased this jet for the Lord I could fly from place to place quicker spreading the message and I would even believe that if we didn't have zoom if if Zoom was not a thing I would get a pastor being like I have to get over there to spread the word as quickly as possible they don't know they have no idea and it's not like we can send them a telegram or something it's not like there's been iterations of communication for decades that would in the gate me buying a Jet to fly a to I'm not going to tell you rare like how did we get here and and look it is it is probably it's probably an easy thing to have happen it is it's probably I think that there's I'm trying to be gracious for a second I really am I'm trying to extend an olive Branch for a second and just no no no just hear me out I do think I do think that there's something that speaks to these pastors but I think what has happened is that they've mistaken God for their intrusive thoughts do you I mean because I don't know all of you I don't know you know exactly what your lives are like I don't know if you grew up with religious or not or what religion or anything I'm just saying as as as individuals every single one of us here if we were to lead a congregation and we were to pass around a jar or a plate collection plate anything like that and everybody gave something because we made a compelling case that it is your job as a as a citizen of the world to help people that you may never meet right is your is your actual Duty as a as a living breathing empathetic individual that you have to do something if someone somewhere is hurting you don't need to know them and you don't need to know why they got there that's not your business it's important to help someone and then the plate gets passed around and you make such a compelling argument that everybody puts you know a dollar $5 $10 or like the Bible says a tenth of their income to help the poor and then church is over everybody leaves and then then you go to the back office where they have piled up all the money and you do look at it and go [ __ ] we rich I mean wow oh we really cooking right now oh man I get the pinky with the S oh I'm not going to get the cane that's too much but oh just looking at a pile of money a pile of envelope with a tenth of someone's paycheck in order for them to either like spread the word of God or help people that they will never meet build a well do something do something so it matters that we were here right and then you see the money and it's it's stacked pretty high cuz it's a big church and you look at all that money and you it's hard not to be like game time no that's a tough thing I you know a friend said to me today cuz I was telling him about the story and he said to me that if if churches did what they were supposed to do we might not have much homelessness know what I mean like it's like if churches were really about it in a compelling way in a way that was genuinely uncomfortable in a way that was like I'm going to tell you a story and you you you're going to judge me but it's fine I was at a uh theater when I first moved to Chicago and when I first moved to Chicago I didn't have any money right and I especially did not have much to spare but I was at a show and I was at that show cuz it was free so it was a a free midnight show that I love so much I made sure to go there every Thursday night because I knew it was a free show I could do something I could meet other Comics I could you know learn by watching them and everything cuz everyone on the show was incredibly funny it's actually sketch show ironically enough and there was a person that came in and um she came in and she clearly had nothing right her her clothes were torn and everything her hair was a little messed up and she had a little bit of a limp and she was asking people for change and you got to remember this is like a kind of swanky place like it has it has a little bit of that underground grunge feel to it but it's also like a nice place with a nice bar and everything and so everybody was like no no no no and everyone was uh varying degrees of like just ignoring boring politely saying no being aggressive get out of here sort of thing and then and then someone came and they asked her to leave right and so I I see all that happen I'm sort of sitting in the in the back towards where the showroom is and then this was all happening towards the front that she didn't get far in I go I watch the show and I'll be honest I didn't really think about her while I was watching the show I was thinking about what incredible show this was how thankful I was that it was free and everything and then show lets out and I guess because a couple hours had passed she gave it another try so she came in she was asking people for Change and once again it was varing degrees of not looking at her asking her to leave them alone and everything politely saying no and so then I had uh about like uh $3 in my pocket and so I I saw her the second time and I felt so bad about how the first time went and I didn't do anything that I went ahead and I gave her the $3 and when I gave her the $3 um she she she took it and she looked at me and she said oh thank you so much and then she J like she jumped and hugged me and hugged me tight and what should have been a sweet moment was mainly just me being like Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh oh oh [Music] oh and then she walked off happy could be walked out of the venue and then I was like I got to wash my hands I got to wash my hands I got to wash my hands I got to wash my and I and I think that you know I I look back at that and I'm not proud of that I'm not I'm not proud of how I reacted or anything but that does feel like what church should feel like like instead of just being boring it should be like oh my god oh wow everybody really is welcome oh oh jeez all right cool [Music] oh wow we did it we made it this far uh it it feels more normal now but like in March when we really thought the world was remember March when we were like that doctors were like hey you got anything on your bucket list you might want to do that like that do you remember in March I'm not going to lie I panicked all right I panicked and I bought an axe all right I don't know what I was thinking either but I did it cuz I was like maybe I might have to I don't know maybe Society will crumble I got to save my home so I went to Home Depot to get my axe all right apparently a lot of other people had the idea I had because all the reasonable axes were taken okay my ax is far too big all that was left was like a 4ot BAS basally a tree with a blade is all that was left and so I bring my axe I'm too little to even wield my own axe like if someone came in my house to kill me an intruder I would be grabbing my old axe like just get look you give me a second okay you give me a little space all right maybe a little space of time you going to be [ __ ] up all right this is terrible I bought an axe cuz I couldn't buy a gun you know what I mean I just couldn't do it not not just because the like permits in New York are incredibly difficult to get it's just when I lived in Louisiana uh there was one point where I was in a very bad neighborhood and a lot of houses were getting robbed right including my own just lots of houses getting robbed so I did what any good Southern boy would do and I bought a gun right so I picked the gun on Wednesday bought the gun on Thursday brought it home and uh on Friday night someone broke in and stole my gun all right they stole the thing I bought to stop people from stealing my stuff okay so when they come back which they will why not they have my gun when they come back for everything they couldn't carry with a gun in one hand they're probably going to make me help they're probably going to make me help rob me all right I'm going to be standing outside with my own stuff like Pop the trunk it's not going to fit in the back seat Pop the trunk it will not fit in that back seat will you please pick up your side it will not fit in that cuz it's my TV that's how I know it's not going to fit in the cuz it's my car okay it didn't fit on the back seat all the way here it's I the back seat when you leave it's Insanity I've been getting I've been getting tested a lot like a lot a lot I've had a lot of tests just so I can do things and go places and stuff and you know always come out negative I've been very blessed I'm very grateful for that but I have been tested so much that I'm not going to lie my not is starting to feel a little loose all right baby boy is not tight anymore okay if you ask my nose just from my nose's perspective been on the streets doing what it had to do all right doing what it had to do to get by okay it's a hard knock life for this nose it's getting to the point like my nose is so open I don't just smell things I feel like I smell when they happened like I I no lie I'm starting to feel like I could smell the future just like the worst superhero just walking in like oh we need to get out of here this is terrible you know I had one I had one test this this is I have one test where they stuck it so far up my not I fainted right so I just I just passed out and I don't know what it was like it was almost like she stuck it up so far that she hit the off switch on my brain cuz then I wake test is still hanging out of my nose right I wake up like maybe 10 seconds later and she's gone and then she walks back in I'm like you left me and she was like I had to I had to go get a doctor cuz I thought I killed you this has never happened before that's why I've given up on being at Alpha you know cuz I I faint too much for a black eyy I really do I faint I faint a lot and I don't and no one faints well you I mean like no guy's ever just been standing there cross armed and then like tipped over like I melt you know what I mean and I hit my head hard like when I faint I hit my head so hard that people look at me different when I wake up you know cuz I I even had an instance where I saw my friend he was running and he tripped and he fell and his he messed up his arm really bad like it wasn't just bloody it was like an anatomy lesson like I could see through his arm so I appropriately fainted Where I Stood all right but instead of just like T dipping over I guess my legs were too far apart so then my knees buckled but then they opened again under the weight of my hips so then I just sort of twerked myself down until I rested on the ground so yeah I than I've been getting catall a lot and this [ __ ] is terrible like it is I always knew it was bad right I never did it but then now that it's happening to me I can see as bad as it was like now that it's actually happening to me because basically what happened is over lockdown I let my hair grow out right and apparently from the back I'm a bad [ __ ] like there's no way around it just sort of is what it is so then I do a thing and I know I do this thing it doesn't make it my fault that I'm getting CLE but I know I do this thing where I post up heavy with ass on one leg right so then I am standing there right and I'm just like post it up like this just like looking at the sky or like people walking by people watching in anything right sometimes I'll switch it but it's mostly the right side and so I'll be on my right side and then I'll just hear a damn baby girl and then I turn around and then they get mad at me like I tricked them I like I wasn't doing anything I was looking at the clouds like a God-fearing woman all right you're the one that came over here bothering me well my friend got a got a new new job and for this new job they drug tested him and I heard about I was like really they still do that like it's the 50s or something why are we drug testing people what is that you know what I mean like why are you checking to make sure that I didn't have fun before I worked here like all you're doing is checking that I'm not too cool to work here you know plus if you're HR and you can't just tell who's on drugs if you need a drug test you shouldn't be the one hiring people you I mean I can spot a crackhead a mile away all right he's holding a hula hoop for no reason trying to sell rims to no car around yeah maybe don't give him the interview first see how that worked I didn't need anybody's pee cuz like my I I have another friend that at her job they found a heroin needle in the break room right so like you skipped like drug you went straight to like the druggy drug like top drugs like this is just drugs now you know I mean so I understand everyone was freaked out and they found it like on the table like not even throwing away they even try to hide that they were doing heroin at work you know but then she told me she was like yes we found this heroin needle in the break room and we couldn't figure out whose it was and I was like if you can't figure out whose heroin need that was that's the best person at their job all right they are not letting heroin affect their quality of work okay okay either they're the best person at their job or y'all all suck y'all are all doing a heroin level of job at this job you don't need to drug test anybody you know all you need to do is get some oil some grease just slicking up the floor a little bit all right let everybody fall okay whoever take too long to get up is clearly on heroin all right also they take too long to fall if they slip like uh that's a heroin fall that's your man right there my friends had a my friends had a baby a couple months ago and the baby's very cute right adorable baby it really is also this baby has the deepest voice I've ever heard on a baby and it is freaking me out all right I tickled the ba I tickled him on his little you know that little chubby cheek that you tickle on a baby and so I tickled them and this baby no lie looked right at me it was like it's the only baby I've ever stopped playing peekaboo with you know what I mean like cuz I was like peekaboo I see you you know what I don't want to play anymore I don't really I need to keep my eye on you I don't trust you like that I don't like that the baby's also like long like it's a long grown baby it's freaky it's like no like it came out fully cooked like this is not a baby this is like a geriatric toddler like no baby should have a leg swinging out the crib you know I mean like that's a big baby I actually I I don't know if this has happened to anybody else but I saw on Facebook that I was friends with I don't even know how it happened I'm I'm friends on Facebook with my old sexed teacher and I don't know like I don't know if he friended me I friended I don't I don't know how it happened but it is it is What's happen happening and I thought about it I thought back to when he was teaching sex ed and I was like upon further review as an adult I can tell you with confidence that this man was teaching sex headed as a virgin there is no way that he had ever done anything sexual this man was just get in front of us making stuff up just theories just saying stuff no one teaching sex ed should be saying I guess that much you know I mean we need facts I need you to know we can't think this is how to put a condom on we need directives this dude told us dude told the class straight face told the class that some not all just some women's vaginas were horizontal that's a real thing he said and then just kept teaching and I was like no uhuh I need some follow I followup questions I need it's crazy and I don't know I don't know if everyone here is is like from the states or not but like if if you if you are you know that no school in America no matter how rich or well-funded is has the funding for just a sex ed teacher they always tag it on to what someone else is already doing right which means they went up to the PE teacher okay and they're like hey would you like to teach sex ed at seventh period and instead of doing the right thing and saying look at me look at me I have spaghetti stains on the back of my collar all right I've never felt the touch of a woman I wear gym shorts to work okay I know it looks like blood on the back of my collar that honestly I wish it was that'd be a better story if I got stabbed in the back of the neck and felt so strongly about physical education that I still show up to my job but no I was eating some spaghetti all right and I knal at the table when I eat the spaghetti I ate it so furiously that a noodle swung and hit me in the back of my own neck so no I don't know anything about sex instead of doing that he just said yeah I'll teach it okay sounds good and then he got up in front of us and told us whichever hand you write with right whichever hand that is whichever hand you write with that's which one of your dad's balls you came out of and then just moved on to something else it's like at least let the coolest kid in class teach it we at least know for a fact he's seen a boob all right he told us all the next day so the next time you know you're with a guy or something and he's terrible at sex maybe don't put all the blame on him put some of the blame on his sexed teacher who told you if you get chlamydia you die on the third day all right

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