Why Hard Things Are Good: Lessons from Bronco Mendenhall on Life and Leadership

coach it's so great to talk with you today and I don't think we've ever talked about this but the first time I met you was in 2002 so I was playing uh at Snow College and we stopped by the University of New Mexico on our way to playing New Mexico Military and we took a tour of the football stadium there in Albuquerque and then you spoke to our team for 15 minutes and I was an offensive guy and most of us uh on the team that I was friends with were offensive guys and we all walked out of that you know brief 10 15 minute meeting with you knowing we all wanted to play for you uh which was going to be tough because we're offensive guys but as luck would have it I go to BYU you go to BYU to coach defense and then you end up becoming the head coach and I and I get to play for you uh for a couple years so I don't know if you remember that talk you gave but it certainly had an impact on me I don't remember the talk I don't remember the words but I do remember you guys stopping and I played at snow and coached at snow and so there I had a special place in my heart for the long 12 to 14 hour bus rides and sleeping under the seats or in the luggage racks and buying your own cleats and kind of football at the purest form of investment and sacrifice to to get to them and feel lucky to to participate and so I remember sleepy heads and bed heads and guys rolling out of buses and and I do remember having the chance to speak but not what I had to say but in those moments right those are really the things that that capture the essence of helping young people develop is can you add the right message with the right tone uh and the right sincerity to truly capture a heart to try to encourage along the way and if that happened in a 15minute stop or message along a bus ride to the New Mexico Military then it's awesome yeah there is you know there is nothing like playing a football game and you're just you know you're beat up and your body aches and then you get on a bus with a group of guys half of them don't even bother to shower and you're staring at a you know 24hour bus ride oh yeah those were the days but yeah you you impacted me then and and you continued to impact me later uh I I tell people that you got more out of me than any other coach has ever gotten out of me and I'm always grateful to you for that uh you've coached a lot of football games in your career um but you've been open about the fact that football for you is just a vehicle for impacting people's lives and as you think back on your career are there two to three simple practical underappreciated lessons you've learned that you'd most like to pass on to Future Generations yeah I and I there is and I'm I'm so thankful for the opportunity to do that and and just before we leave the snow college experience after being under the the seats as a player or in the luggage rack or sleeping four to a room uh and feeling lucky to do it then coaching at snow and being the one that's driving a 12 or 14 passenger bus full of those players and kind of being the steward over that experience I almost viewed that as a sacred experience to to let someone go through right the trial even to get to the game right the trial to get home after the game and being the one to help facilitate that it was almost like I was the guardian of the experience for a time and anyway I think that's what coaches and parents do right you try to pass on maybe the most impactful things that are usually the hardest things and so that would be maybe the the first lesson I would give is hard is good hard isn't kind of good hard is really good and hard unifies people one of our guiding principles at at Virginia was hard things together meaning that when I would take over a program um or an organization the harder I could create something to do um at the beginning almost as an onboarding process with Galvanize relationships and that wasn't the was the intent wasn't to screen or eliminate the intent was actually to unify and so the leadership in that has to be at a really high level but hard ends up being one of the greatest unifiers uh and facilitators of long-term memory that I've ever had and in this pause of coaching I've getting all these texts from former players and it isn't about the games it's about a practice or an Eco challenge or some kind of crazy thing I had the team do after practice that was so hard and they're pushing plates or I don't know flipping tires and but those are the moments that they end ended up responding best to and remembering most of their entire college experience so the first would be simply the heart is good and the second one um in framing your question is there's a huge difference between routine and relationships and so you can end up going to practice in preparation for a game but you can also end up going to practice uh with the intent to uplift and Inspire and build and really intentionally try to say the right thing at the right time to help someone become and so much of our life is transactional meaning just routines and routines do help support uh and those habits do help support goals right and Direction but if it's at the expense of the relationship it's not lasting or substantial and so I I think most of the world has it backwards where relationships are everything and the routines of Our Lives occup most of our time but wow did they they lack in most cases substance and impact and then I would say maybe the another lesson just quickly uh before you can kind of debrief or unpack or or however you want to do it is uh I've I've been captivated by some methodologies and and one of the things that I read along the way in was a book called Teach um teaching is leadership and it kind of comes from Teach for America and that program uh but this idea uh of what's what are the greatest gifts we can give other people especially young people as we're grooming and developing and that gift is high expectations and that means giving them no quarter so that means within the workplace so in the classroom or on the practice field um the expectations uh have to be maintained uh with zero compromise before and after practice an outpouring of love is essential right so there is this Bond and trust and relationship that's going to hold but then within the competitive Arena or the preparation Arena yielding because of outside circumstances actually doesn't provide doesn't provide the growth and development that will really be lasting and helpful to that person when they're really in a time of need and so I love the idea of young people smiling in adversity when it comes knowing they're absolutely prepared for it when it comes but then loved and nurtured right so fiercely on either side of that that that they wanted to go through it um and the coaches and the parents or others that concede the expectations because of other circumstances uh a lot of times really end up uh limiting the growth potential of another person and so back to the point is Extreme expectations surrounded by love that combination to me me is a magical sweet spot to help people become and so those those may be three points and I don't even remember what three I just gave you but but those three things just in relation to the question were the first things that came into my mind and and that I found impactive I think it's so interesting because uh at the most basic level we know heart is good because we know our muscles don't grow without you know strength training or being being torn and uh you know you you you can watch just what happens to people's legs as they end up in a wheelchair you know they just atrophy so quickly um we strive in our lives to make things or we have this tendency to strive to make things easy uh which is this idea that we just there's this term for it in Psychology called miswan thing we just want all of these things so often that don't help us so I love this idea of just leaning into you know heart is good and then of course you know relationships over routines not heard those two words coupled but I love it because at the end of the day you know it is all about relationships and and you recently launched a podcast and on that podcast uh you've mentioned how uh you've been getting a lot of letters and texts and emails from players but maybe I'll let you tell kind of what these yeah it it's been really amazing um and this pause that I I've taken uh it was an unintentional reason uh but I've kind of sensed what impact have I had if any in the world of college football or in the lives of others and what I've what I found it's almost like going to your own funeral without being dead right and hear what people say um but anyway former players so the volume of texts right from administrators that's a very low number of texts right from boosters an alumni or for boosters or supporters that's a very small number the highest volume of texts hundreds and hundreds has come from former players and not a single text to this point whatever the date is today the 27th right whatever the date is I haven't received this is almost nine months worth now I haven't received a single text that mentions a game um a season a or an outcome every text has only mentioned moments of relationships and those well much like you just said there was a 15minute speech at New Mexico on your New Mexico military right um playing for Snow College that that has nothing to do with an outcome right and what I found is and I think our life will be like that it'll be kind of like you know what sports center is like there's a 4H hour game or a three-hour game um reduced to five plays and then they're on to the next game I think when we stand at the end of our life and we say what what moments were there real impact it'll be like highlights and there's all this other stuff that we were routine oriented in but there'll be these things where you're really intentional about trying hard to help someone else and well I put it this way I think we can make those highlights as long as we want that highlight real yeah yeah that's a and it's it's fun to pursue that kind of life and throughout my career as coaching I've moved way more in that direction than I have the outcome is certainly necessary the winning is absolutely necessary that's just so you can keep doing the work that's really important and that work is the relation ship building and the development of of people and wow is that it's just everything and that's that's really what I've learned and that's come through super hard things right and and hard is is not only for being hard it's to help someone become and We Know The Sweet Spot is is a goal or an area right outside of your current ability right it's not so far out there that you're demoralized yeah so the trick is to to create a vision for an organization that seems so daunting but then set those micro and simple success goals right outside of the comfort zone where you're always stretching and exhausted at the end of every day but you know you're so close and then there's hope right and when there's hope there's faith and there's optimism and there's motivation and fun and smiling because you're almost there right you're just you're just almost there tomorrow yep we got a great chance and and so you live this this life kind of being pulled toward progression when it's designed correctly you know talking about relationships makes me think of this statistic in Academia where uh you know universities care a lot about getting the students through the university and and to graduation and kind of the number one predictor uh for a lot of students especially um people who come from lower socioeconomic backgrounds is did I have a professor that cared about me and it's about that relationship that helps somebody get to the next point and you think about the humans humans as a species you know our our launching period from the time that we're with our parents until we leave the nest you know is just decades longer than others we had a bird's nest right in our front porch the other day and and the birds are getting older you know it's just like within weeks they're they're kicked out of the nest you know and we have to learn to do those hard things in this long period that we have otherwise you know it's just going to be so difficult to thrive and you think you think about impact of the college experience and and I just shared to you uh shared with you that I I think in most cases College athletics is is just prolonging adolescence because of the this myopic view of what's so important which is college football and by the time the eligibility is over college is done and the exploration and learning of what an institution really can provide that window is closed and a lot of times then young people are married and they're off on their jobs and they don't even know what they want to do yet and they they missed a huge window to to help them shape that and it it's it's it's really uh a challenging thing to have to be a leader in that space and intentionally promote the other but not at the expense of the outcome right and we we called it and at the University of Virginia we were in pursuit of and where we wanted amazing students with amazing social lives and giving back to the community at an elite level and winning championships and right framing their future and what there's great research done and you might have been familiar with this um I think the Bill Gates Foundation Bill and Melinda Gates might have funded it uh but it it was talking about what helps younger people especially of lower socioeconomic status and man the vision creation if they had if if they could actually see um a future for them in as much details What state were they living in what color house were they driving cars where were they working you know like seeing it so vividly but then having to your point one person that really cared about them in a position that was capable of helping them and so so much right now in college football is nil and the collectives and it's almost all exclusively of getting players right attracting them um and then right caring for the ones you have which should be first to me but really what hasn't been addressed yet is what's happening on the back end and to to me we've we're designing this backwards I I think the nil ought to be how do we help those that have given so much um to a program and an institution in a community how do you then launch them and help them with the infrastructure to be guided into their life that's number one then caring for the players that are currently in right because they're the Next Generation and then after all that let's talk about um what it's going to cost and and so a number thrown out the other day and I won't name the power five school but that coach said it's going to take $13 million per year to keep my current roster intact without losing players to other other programs 13 million through nil endorsements to keep his current roster and then he went on to say about 15 million more and separate to add a recruiting class so there's been no mention of what happened of the players moving forward but think about that now of 13 million to keep your own roster from them not leaving to go to another place and then about 15 million more in nil to add a recruiting class and and so we're doing that because and that would be because the generation of Finance on the other end right which is a business model yeah I'm much more interested in the human development model and it's hard to make sense of those numbers when you think about it I love this idea of and because and appreciates that it's about people and developing them when I uh at one school I played at they said look you've got three lives you've got your Football Life your academic life and your social life but you only have time for two so Choose Wisely you know that was that was the or model that was not the an model that was you know you're not you're not here to develop as a person you're here to play football and get good grades and when I went to law school it was the first time I didn't have football and I was able to appreciate what a university had to offer and that was why I decided to stay in this career the rest of my life because I was able to start taking advantage of all these other opportunities it's about so much more than than money I I I heard a a great quot quote one time and and a woman I believe her name was Joy D Jones and I think she said eternity is the wrong thing to be wrong about and so here we are on this planet and so what what impact does a sport really have well it could be huge if it is being led and designed by someone that really sees that as the way to help people become what they truly can be right while they're participating in a sport not because they're participating in a sport and and I think it doesn't um have you concede outcome I think it actually drives outcome um and I think those two things things can be meshed really well and you mentioned uh before our our our show here that you were still on a thread with former players that or guys that you played with exactly that's relationships because you went through hard from a coach that loved hard you're galvanized in a way that that thing's not breaking and those stories are going to last forever um because it was hard and that's what's so cool about it and so through a sport people were being developed like and and I'm so proud of just like the tra you're on but each of the the teammates you mentioned they're all doing really well but in different ways and doing different things but galvanized through challenge right through a platform of playing a game but the game isn't really what's lasted the relationships are what's lasted and that to me is the reason to do it and I think college football we're losing sight we might be losing our soul uh the college the soul of college football and there are some coaches that are trying so hard to do it and I I applaud them um but in general the commercialization and entertainment is something that we won't ever be able to get enough of and we won't ever be full it just it doesn't add substance um in a way that is truly compelling and that's kind of those are the things you and I are talking about well coach we could keep going uh I want to be respect over time already yeah we're already over time but I I I just love uh learning from you um you've just been such an inspirational leader to me in my life I've interviewed you more than a hundred times uh typically at at halftime during a football game uh but I have to say I I have enjoyed this one the most uh talking about things of substance before you you got on um before we hit record you you shared this quote um if you have it there you could read it but it we never have enough oh yeah so and and so it's been something that um I just learned or was just articulated in a way that made sense we never have enough of things we don't need yeah uh but wow when we find something that we do need oh wow does that it resonates at a deeper level um and those are the moments to actually pause and reflect and why is that resonating and that usually means that's something to hold on to ponder and and it usually didn't come easy right it came with Challenge and and here here's maybe the last thing Nate that that I would I would add um I I've been so lucky through college football and it's a lucrative profession in terms of money uh but that that really has had no impact on my life and and so many folks that I think have had success they try to make things easier for their kids and their kids now benefit with luxury and luxury is is a performance narcotic right luxury gets in the way of human development and so so many of us that want better for our kids we better be really careful of not making it better is not easier right bet better is not more of better is hard right better is learning the lessons that require sweat and grit and resil resiliency surrounded by love and care from parents that really want to help their kids become and so yeah I I would just I would just add for for and for your generation right and for all of you guys that are now have your own kids um love isn't always manifest through more stuff right love is Manifest through experiences right and backpacking with carrying packs and you know cooking fish and you know looking at the map and and you letting them know they're going the wrong way and let them realize they're they've gone backwards and it just cost you three hours and then then okay let's just and you let them go far enough to where it's not fatal but they've got the point of say let's pause for a second and you might want to turn the map this way and okay now we're got to go back to three hours and those lessons are the ones that are the most memorable and and um if we try to solve everything and make it easier for the Next Generation what kind of generation are we building you know it reminds me of a a guy a wealthy guy I talked to once and he says you know I'm not going to give anything to my kids they've got to earn everything they got to earn it all I'm just going to give them their first house and Well everybody's got to decide exactly you know what hard is but I think you know I love your first point of hard is good um I think we can both agree that the Le lessons we talked about today are infinitely more important than football I look forward to following your career uh seeing where it takes you next as you continue teaching and and training young men so thank you so much for coming on thanks Nate love and miss you good luck