Wayne Brady and Skylar Astin Sing Eulogy for Mr. Greedy the Penguin

Published: Sep 09, 2024 Duration: 00:07:05 Category: Entertainment

Tags : After Midnight

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"AFTER MIDNIGHT"! OKAY, TONIGHT YOU'LL ALL BE PLAYING FOR A SIGNED DOCTOR'S NOTE. YOU CAN GET OUT OF ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH THIS LITTLE SLIP OF PAPER. I WANT ONE. WHILE YOU SAW WHERE WE WERE TALKING ABOUT FRIDGE-SKIPPING, WHAT DOES YOUR FRIDGE LOOK LIKE? SKYLAR? >> A BUNCH OF FRIDGE MAGNETS AND COLOR CODING MY JUICES. BUT NOW I KIND OF ONE TELL CHUCK A COUCH IN THERE AND STAY OUT OF THE HEAT WAVE AND GET COMFY. >> Taylor: HOW ABOUT YOU, MARY? >> YES, MY IDEAL FRIDGE IS STOCKED WITH FOOD. [APPLAUSE] >> I'M GOING TO BE REALLY SIMPLE, I WOULD PUT A MINIATURE AFFORDABLE NEW YORK HOUSING COMPLEX INSIDE, BECAUSE I WANT TO GET BACK TO THE PEOPLE. BUT THEN I ALSO WANT THEM TO BE GRATEFUL AND TO UNDERSTAND THAT I AM GOD. IT'S NIGHT, IT'S DAY, IT'S JUST A DREAM I HAVE. I AM A SIMPLE BOY. >> Taylor: LET'S GET INTO IT. LAST YEAR A WOMAN NAMED SUELLEN CAREY MARRIED HERSELF, AS AN EXPRESSION OF SELF-LOVE. WELL, SHE'S FILING FOR DIVORCE! AFTER JUST ONE YEAR, BRAZILIAN INFLUENCER SUEELLEN CAREY HAS DECIDED TO LEAVE HERSELF, CITING THAT SHE "GOT BORED." OH, MAN. I'VE GOT BAD NEWS ABOUT REGULAR MARRIAGE. PANELISTS, WHY WOULD YOU DIVORCE YOURSELF? MARY. >> I JUST FEEL LIKE I COULD BE DATING A YOUNGER, HOTTER ME. [LAUGHTER] >> Taylor: WAYNE? >> I WOULD DIVORCE MYSELF BECAUSE I WOULD PROBABLY CHEAT ON MYSELF. I KNOW, WITH MY RIGHT HAND. AND MY LEFT HAND, AND MY MOUTH. >> Taylor: OH! >> IF YOU'RE GOING TO GO ALL THE WAY, GO ALL THE WAY! [LAUGHTER] >> Taylor: SKYLAR. >> SOUNDS FLEXIBLE. ONE OF US WANTED TO OPEN UP THE RELATIONSHIP, THE OTHER DID NOT. IT WAS ME, I WAS THE ONE WHO DID. I AM LOYAL TO MYSELF. >> DID YOU SIGN A PRENUP? >> OF COURSE, ALWAYS. I OWE MYSELF A LOT OF MONEY. >> I'M NOT GIVING MYSELF ANY CHILD SUPPORT. I'M GOING TO SUE THE HELL OUT OF ME. >> Taylor: THIS FEELS LIKE A SHOW THAT SHOULD BE ON CBS. SOMEONE WRITE THIS DOWN. ERIC ADAMS ISN'T JUST THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY, HE'S ALSO UNDER A FEDERAL CORRUPTION INVESTIGATION! THIS PAST WEEKEND, HE SPOKE AT A CHURCH IN BROOKLYN AND COMPARED HIMSELF TO ONE OF THE BIBLE'S MOST TRAGIC FIGURES, SAYING HE WAS JUST IN HIS QUOTE, "JOB MOMENT." TO BE FAIR, THEY HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. JOB WAS FORCED TO ENDURE HARDSHIP TO TEST HIS FAITH IN GOD, AND MAYOR ADAMS RECENTLY HAD TO RIDE THE L TRAIN. WOW, EVERYONE GENUINELY SCARED ABOUT THAT. WE ARE IN L.A. INSPIRED BY THIS RELIGIOUS COMPARISON, WHAT OTHER BIBLICAL MOMENTS MIGHT SOMEONE FIND THEMSELVES IN? SKYLAR. >> I AM IN MY MOVES THIS MOMENT. I JUST GOT BACK FROM BURNING MAN WHERE IT FELT LIKE I WAS WANDERING AROUND THE DESERT FOR 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS. [APPLAUSE] >> Taylor: MARY. >> I AM IN MY GENESIS MOMENT, BECAUSE I THINK THAT WE SHOULD ALL JUST START OVER. [LAUGHTER] >> Taylor: WAYNE. >> I AM IN MY AARON AND MOSES MOMENT, BECAUSE HEY, GIRL, YOU TURNED MY STAFF INTO A SNAKE. THAT'S RIGHT, HEY, PHARAOH, LET MY PEOPLE -- >> INTERESTING, I WOULD THINK THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO TURN THE SNAKE INTO A STAFF. >> YOU KNOW IT, YOU DO IT TO YOUR WAY, I WILL DO IT MINE. SO SAITH THE LORD. >> THAT IS SUCH A MOSES THING TO SAY. >> IT IS SO MOSES. >> I WOULD KNOW. >> THAT'S MY NEW SITCOM. "OH MOSES" ON CBS. >> Taylor: THAT'S SO MOSES. UNFORTUNATELY, SORRY, I CAN'T LAUGH GOING INTO THIS NEXT ONE. IT'S ABOUT DEAD PENGUINS. I PREPARED YOU. UNFORTUNATELY THE PENGUIN COMMITTEE HAS LOST AN ICON. THE MARYLAND ZOO HAS REPORTED THAT EVERYONE'S FAVORITE PENGUIN, MR. GREEDY, HAS PASSED AWAY AT 33. MR. GREEDY WAS BEST KNOWN FOR FATHERING OVER 200 CHICKS DURING HIS LIFETIME, AS HE BELIEVED THAT CONTRACEPTIVES WERE A SIN. ALSO SO MOSES. PANELISTS, PLEASE PAY YOUR RESPECTS AND EULOGIZE THIS HORNY PENGUIN. MARY. >> MR. GREEDY WAS A LOVER... AND A LOVER. AND BASICALLY A LOVER. HE LOVED MAKING LOVE. [APPLAUSE] >> Taylor: WAYNE. [HARMONIZING] MR. GREEDY, OR SHOULD WE CALL HIM THE ARCTIC NICK CANNON, OR AS HE LIKED TO BE REFERRED TO AS THE KLOAKA BREAKER. AND FOR THOSE THAT ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH WHAT THAT IS, GO TO SCHOOL. >> MR. GREEDY, YOU CERTAINLY LIVED UP TO YOUR NAME, MR. GREEDY. I'M SO SORRY YOU DID NOT GET THAT SHOW ON TLC THAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED. BUT I AM CERTAIN THAT YOU WILL HAVE ALL OF THE DEAD JOKES YOU WANT IN HEAVEN. HEAVEN, HELL, WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO BLACK-AND-WHITE? I AM A PENGUIN. >> Taylor: INCREDIBLE! WAYNE IS IN THE LEAD WITH 2100 POINTS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'RE ASKING THE COMFORTABLE QUESTIONS! STICK AROUND! ♪ ♪

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