Reappearing Acts

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hey good people hello truyo family and hello to my favorite sister in the mic hello hi tasne hello how are you today Andrea I am doing great I'm marvelous I was going to say fine enough but I think I'm doing great thank you you're welcome and I might say you look very refreshed over there in that turquoise not a fave Aqua just slept over from The Greenway my dear how are you today I'm doing well as you rock as you rock the this this amazing outfit over here you got you got a lot to got some colors going on some denim a scarf people friends Jesus said if Mosaic was a dress if Mosaic was a person yes I am I said you know today is going to be a recording day I want to feel bright and full of possibility and nothing like a great graphic Tex stle to do that for you to Warrant possibility possib I got squiggles I got lines I got graph paper let's go and that pink is popping in it you know I stay popping okay that's what you do T what do we have today what's on tap what do we feel like talking about I've been kind of thinking about old books or books written previously that were really great yes and I thought of sister Cherry McMillan's disappearing act sister Terry into this conversation great great great book great great great book I mean it' be the kind that you start on a Friday and and and end on Sunday morning and be sad that you got to the last page and of course there's a film made from the book with son aan and wle the Wesley Snipes but one of the things I thought would be interesting is if we talk about not Disappearing Acts but reappearing acts ways in which perhaps we vanished from ourselves and our stage in a comeback ooh become back kids yeah so you mean when we stopped disappearing and what does that look like when we showed up yeah so you mentioned a book and I am watching I've read you and I both have read this book Black cake yeah and so I'm watching the series right now and there's a line from it that that says from it's both film and movie that says I Was Made I was meant and born to disappear what did they mean and so this person the character you know the character um El she consistently had to fade to the back she had to blend in just to survive she couldn't you know she escaped left her Island and so she had to consistently disappear physically both physically and emotionally she had to disconnect from all those things that she remembered emotionally and spiritually um and then she had to physically disappear and not make people uncomfortable when she started this new job or disappear in all of the relationship so she said she was meant and born to disappear so you are asking us to think about the times that we have vanished but now we have shown back up so we reappearing don't call it a comeback we've been here for years so start us off think about a time then when you disappeared when you were in a state of Disappearing because I don't think that we I I think that it is a state it's a state it's a cycle and a season when we are disappearing so tell us about a time that you used to disappear and now you're showing back up and how are you showing back up and what has been that journey to lead you to reappearing you know this may surprise you Andrea but I used to be conflict avoidant are you are you shocked really I used to do this thing and it wasn't until thing tell me tell me it wasn't until I talked to my marvelous therapist I love that you said you may not know this about me but you w be surprised that you avoided conflict excuse me the police well in the sense that look how you're buttoning up look how you're fidgeting up like me but in the sense that I could smell conflict coming smell it I could I could sense it I could smell it I could feel it in my bones roiling in my chest and I would begin to sort of disassociate and this is the way I would do it would be through counting now listeners y'all going to have to holler back if anybody does this yes but I would count leaves on trees if I were outside right clouds in the sky carpet tiles I might do a number count I might count the number of letters in a word all to distance myself from that thing that was feeling contentious so and it and it is an actual psychological response to avoiding conflict it so that wasn't a deescalation of your emotions by counting you literally were trying to avoid it disassociation it's a way of distracting oneself by counting the leaves the tiles and it's very quiet it's you might I may have done it in meetings before where you were present it's not leading the meeting you know what that explains why you kept looking down on the floor like it's just counting cting it's a thing and so so I brought it to my therapist attention and I think she said disassociating and so I would see like another self floating above the tension the conversation and I wouldn't want to deal with it I kind of go into like mm okay mhm okay not giving much in that direction and distract myself by counting never resolving the resolution might come later in the moment now here's here's that's where I disappear yes you would disappear so your your disassociation was would be a disappearing act wow but my reappearance I'm so happy to report I haven't done that in so long long meaning it's all relevant maybe three years oh dude that's a long time thank you yay yeah you no counting leaves and trees Andes all right so what outside of talking to your therapist uh um take me through like an an exam can you give an example how did you reappear like dawned on you like no you will not count no Tas name you will stay present no Tas name you will not say the thing that needs to be said no Tas name you will not avoid asking the next question no Tas even though so you were not asking the questions you were not saying what you wanted to say because all of that was would have or could potentially led to some conflict sure or deepen the conflict so I'm fine with like initiating and having a real discussion I'm like we need to talk I'm good with that I'm fine let's talk about it but once it got to a place where it felt out of control or Beyond me or it was above me now I would kind of Disconnect unbeknown to the person oh because they were so ried up in the tension they were fed from it so they're getting Fuller and Fuller and I'm getting I'm going shrinking and shrinking and then I would just give myself over to counting and they never realized that this was happening no because they were it was building them and so I realized a couple things conflict elevated and and fueled them yes wow a couple things I stopped hanging with people uhuh who fed from conflict and what when I say conflict I don't mean like having a discussion that disagreement I'm talking they needed to be enraged to even talk you just didn't even give it oxygen you just I stopped I stopped I disappeared from those relationships and reappeared in ones where agreement isn't the only way to love I love me too because literally like just a couple weeks ago I said Taz when's the last time you counted leaves on a tree and you had no answer it's been a minute a oh my stars you have reappeared I've reappeared as a thinking individual who can trust the relationship to hold my questions oh my stars so me asking questions didn't make no nobody no matter you still you did I love that task that's some transformational living right there I love it it was in the choice the audience was wrong the audience was wrong so there are people with whom I can say what do you mean by that you know that made me uncomfortable now why' you do that what do you need from me I don't know if I can do that you know I can take it to here here here's my threshold and nobody left because I chose better in the relationship I love that that relationship demands that I show up others were comfortable in me disappearing come on somebody and so there lies you brought up the book I mean and you think about Zora in the book you think about uh Franklin yeah I mean we're not going to go into it now but beautiful s nice yeah yeah yeah and and for the record you and I do agree that the book is better than the we said it the movie fine it's a great it's fine it's wonderful pop the corn po the corn enjoy hummus chips do what you must the book when she start when he said I need to get my Constitution together yes ma'am you know what he was saying in order for you Zora to be appearing in this life we have together I got to get me together but prior to him getting his Constitution together he wanted her to disappear and she did Zora surrendered those were your words you said Zora surrendered and how many times s that's for me do you know this place I know this place I know Zora I am Zora I have been Zora Z I have been Zora when did you disappear rename myself what would you do is that a laugh or what would you do like you know the artist formerly known as I've heard you refer to yourself as Jame Baldwin's baby girl sorry no the daughter the daugh I said baby girl no that's your language I would never refer myself of a baby girl the da jwood Jimmy Wood the daughter of Bowen and Zora I am she so I need to see This Blink that she just it was like this is the definitive title yeah understand this I am I I mean it is me so so yes I know her I know Zora I know the Zora in the book I know what that uh means to to surrender you willing vanish to vanish so what was your method of Vanishing for me it was counting for you it was silence I know silence like numb silence Blank Stare nothingness this I'm going to say this right mhm that's this this goes to another episode but I saw that as submission the silence the silence because you allow all that other energy I allowed all that other energy to exist to exist to exist yes and then you just kind of fade for me it was just fading fading in silence fading in did they notice uh probably not because I think people became comfortable with that just in general whatever it is um I was again going back to the black cake thinking about thinking about the the scene at her job um else working and she's clearly um discovered an error in some books she is you know the only person of color the only black woman in this space and everyone is supposed to be sparter because she has no um experience and background in that field per se and so then she consistently um disappeared she said I it's best that I disappear it's best that no one sees me I became so comfortable with in being being invisible to make everyone else feel comfortable that's what El said and so I yes I know what that was like I remember those years of being um of Disappearing what about reappearing reappearing now that's that's me image image image another Zora image right that's that's walking down that that dirt road and Their Eyes Were Watching God and she has on those suspenders in I lost it i' been through hell TJ dead I Survived Hurricane uhhuh but I'm walking down this dirt road and could care less what you think about me think she was she was barefoot and she was like I'm showing up with her braid swinging showing up all of this I'm showing up and all that I have been through I'm not going to be quiet anymore I'm I want to put myy and whether it's conflict or whether it's just giving you my energy I I reappeared like that virgin like that that that zor I reappeared like that like Janie I reappeared like Janie just on a dirt road and and the imagery of me walking on a dirt road having lost so much having um been at a place that that things felt desolate that you know you think about the the magnitude of what that hurricane did and we're still speaking of this book since we're talking about great books um and then Janie reappears she had to leave some things behind she had to leave what she thought was was the best thing that she ever had and all those other things and she reappeared just solid when did you no shoes how long ago was it's been some years it's been a little bit longer than three years but this journey ofe I think I'm reappearing because the the there's natural parts of me that that that enjoy um sitting back and observing and so when I'm doing that I have to ask myself am I sitting back and observing or am I disappearing am I falling back into because there's a difference right because there is a difference that's nice and I constantly have this this this check in my brain of of asking constantly asking myself are you disappearing are you just observing and watching and I have a question for you yes I I don't know how it's like when you have questions for me how does it feel in your body to disappear and what does it feel like to recognize that you're quiet is healthy observation are those is a signal like one feels uncomfortable and the other one feels like this is still healthy and safe yeah that's a good question I don't even know if I have an answer for it right now but that is a good question so when I'm physically sitting in that space I I I I go to imagery and I love to imagine and if I'm feeling like a brown mon chromatic satin two-piece outfit like which I I found this picture of myself um and I had on all brown I'm just not sure why I was doing this monochromatic thing but there was a time that was a time when I was disappearing when I had disappeared and it was and I was sitting on a brown sofa and I had brown shoes on and a brown hat if I wasn't the most monochromatic disappearing thing you can never imagine so when I'm floating just a floating not even my hair Brown my lipstick was brown cherry jubilee I was doing all this all the things to just blend in and so now when I'm sitting in these spaces and I'm in and and in that space and I have to ask myself are you the brown crayon are you the brown silk tpce Su are you that person and and my body doesn't feel um anxious I don't feel I don't feel anxious I don't feel um less wor unworthy I don't feel invisible yeah I'm just there no you're just listening and you're listening and you're listening and you're calculating and you're thinking you're planning and sometimes you disassociate you're imagining you're doing all those things but as long as I'm training my mind because I do know that those patterns are easy it's easy for people like you and I to to want to please want to avoid conflict set the stage for set stage for others of course because that's who we are that we can get back in those patterns of Disappearing but Terry McMillan there's no disappearing acent where Zora showed up you remember Z Zora took control she's like I'm sorry Franklin you know Janie came back down that road and like I'm sorry yeah so we are on the Journey of reappearing and reappearing and I think next year this time we would have reappeared even differently I agree sometimes I think the reappearing happens in small ways I saw it in you and you may not even know it I saw it in you certain certain patterns in yourself and your behavior um the length of a dress yes exactly the pattern of a dress patter of a dress remember the top of a lipstick oh I'm loving it right the piercing yeah absolutely the gold eyeshadow I was like oh my goodness I was loving it even even here here you ready yes not your bags and your purses and all of that they weren't just like diaper bags I mean facts no lies no text that's all truth used to carry that it's true because it made you you disappear to be mom you disappear I have a friend who asked me if I disappear do I use scarves to disappear I had to it took me a pack and I think she there were days that you would have on three scarves at one time and I said what's going on right here's I would have crocheted one of them the other one was a gift and the third one was just for like warmth or perhaps you know combination of colors and I've had to think about that like are these things we disappearing what's become comfortable is the disappearing act I think that is it ooh what has become comfortable about disappearing some of us disappear behind our glasses yes I'm not our hair our hair our makeup absolutely I I I realize sometimes too when I can go days now without wearing makeup and I it just as much as I love my lip gloss I do but it doesn't M like I I'm not disappearing behind it you're not hiding I'm not any no wow I love it every morning my 12-year-old says because I I'll take her to school without any makeup on and I love a good eyebrow she almost every morning even on the weekend she said Mom just like that you don't need anything wow you just and I'm like but I like to accentuate and she she will stress to me you are good just like that just like that just don't put anything else on it yeah you're showing up yeah it's amazing it's a beautiful thing I think that's the question to our listeners what is the question about the about re ing in that journey to it cuz I do believe it's a journey I don't think we ever we ever attain it okay so question I believe it is in what ways have you vanished and what is your comeback plan and what ways have you vanished and I love our examples Andrea because it talks it goes from fashion right to actual ways of engaging in conversations we talk about disassociating we talk about going absolutely silent we have but how we reappear is also varied yes muted we've been muted we've been muted we show up with like some fresh kicks we show up with a new hoodie we show up with some nice new yoga P but but it's varied so the ways in which we come back in the room it doesn't look one way neither does the way we disappear from a room so what's the comeback plan I love it and what ways have you vanished and what is your comeback plan you know I got to say it has been beautiful to witness you re becoming thank you it has yeah thank you we walked our way to this we have my dear our way we are y'all better take note it is come back we on purpose on purpose so Tru to family yes what's your comeback plan and until next time this is truth be told [Music] [Applause] all right we are almost out but we are certainly truth be told and we want you to remember who we are and tell other people we'd like you to like share follow And subscribe truth be told and that's going to be at truth be told pod pod at the back truth be told pod let people know what you're listening to let us know what you like that you're listening to let us know what you don't like and then we'll see you next time and remember this is truth be told oh [Music]