Mike Macdonald Summer Comedy Contest | Semi Finals Set

[Applause] welcome Ryan Watson let's Ryan [Applause] Watson uh hello I'm sure you can already tell by my energy and my cool youth pastor outfit that I've given up on my dreams of becoming a tough guy my therapist tells me that I'm a very nervous person and that makes me highly susceptible to peer pressure and that I should stop so I did I told her that when I get sad sometimes I just run a really hot shower and let the water pour over me as I sit down in the bathtub and she was really you know she tried to be encouraging to that it's it's more common than you think it's a sign that you're seeking warmth and comfort in your isolation uh but we should work on finding a different coping mechanism for you uh so now I stand when I take a bath that's a lot colder I've been told I have the vibe of a cult recruiter who has a parttime job at a public library uh just greeting people as they come in like uh would you like to hear the good news about our leader Dewey Decimal he's got a great system you guys would love him I woke up too early this morning and my alarm clock said that it was 5:11 and I was like whoa no way me to I've been going out on on dates lately um and they say that when you're meeting somebody for the first time especially if it's a stranger that you should have like a plan in place you know to keep yourself safe uh so I only go on dates with people that are taller than 6' uh so that if it goes badly I can just run into an underground parking lot I can't get past that dangly thing I think that uh journalists who use clickbait tactics in their articles uh should be put to [Applause] death and if you guys like that you're not going to believe my top five other controversial views on [Laughter] Journal uh you people people are saying that this is the first generation that is having a tougher time than their parents when it comes to housing and being able to find a nice place to live um but you know just to move back into his father's neighborhood uh just to get back to where he grew up Hercules had to accomplish seven impossible tasks I like to throw in a history joke so that I don't seem like an idiot cuz it's questionable I think the hardest part uh about being a virgin in your 30s is that there are no Role Models the only literary figure that you can look up to is the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come I've read a book or two I finally got to check out the Ottawa Fine Art Gallery and if I'm honest I wasn't all that impressed uh but then I went to the Ottawa great art Galler and I like oh yeah that's where they keep the good stuff should have gone here first uh I recently bought some furniture at a feminist fundraiser uh and now my couches intersectional that's a joke for the ladies you guys are fun I'm going to do a weird one um when I was on the way here uh I saw a street light that had a poster on it and the poster said uh free tai chi in the park and it made me really upset because taii in the park murdered my wife and daughter can't believe anybody would advocate for his early release you guys are fun all right I think I've been developing a fetish for panty hose which is really inconvenient because now I have an erection every time I rob a bank there's nothing worse than being in a police lineup and some witness can just point you out like oh it's the guy with the boner wearing Nyon like [ __ ] I should have taken these off my Cales just look so sculpted I've I've always been a bit of a bad Gardener it's been something that I've been trying to work on um and lately I found this trick that helps me get flowers to pop up wherever I want them and I just thought I would teach you this uh so you guys you can do it at home it's it's super easy you can do it any time of year uh any kind of soil and it's just two steps uh real easy step one is you just go to wherever you want flowers to be and then step two is you hit a cyclist with your [Applause] car last week I grew a framed family photo I don't know what these science are doing man GMO seeds you can do anything you want uh I think I'm going to end on something that's a little bit different here so uh DJ going to need you to run the [ __ ] track uh that was an impression of my high school gym teacher he was fired for bullying DJ was a kid with you guys have been a lot of fun I'm Ryan thanks guys one more time for r