Jana Kramer reflects on troubled relationships, journey to healing

>>> THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF JANA KRAMER'S PERSONAL LIFE HAVE BEEN PLAYED OUT IN THE PUBLICA IN A MOMENT. FIRST, LOOK AT HER STORY. ♪ ONCE UPON A TIME YOU LOVED ME ♪♪ >> JANA KRAMER IS AN AWARD-WINNING COUNTRY SINGER WHO ROSE TO FAME AFTER STARRING IN THE TEEN DRAMA ONE TREE HILL. BUT HER PERSONAL LIFE WAS FAR MORE COMPLICATED AS SHE REVEALS IN HER MEMOIR THE NEXT CHAPTER, WHICH SHE READS HERE. >> MY DAD LEAVING WAS THE START OF MY ISSUES WITH ANXIETY. I STARTED TO THINK IF I HAD BEEN BETTER, SMARTER, PRETTIER, WORTHIER, MY DAD WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT US. >> SHE MARRIED HER FIRST HUSBAND AT 19 AND ENDURED PHYSICAL ABUSE. HER HUSBAND EVENTUALLY GOING TO PRISON. >> THE MORE HE HIT ME, THE MORE I WANTED HIM TO LOVE ME. AND HE OFTEN THREATENED TO KILL ME. THE MORE I TRIED TO GET HIS APPROVAL, THE MORE I DISAPPEARED. >> SHE SAYS HER THIRD MARRIAGE TO FORMER NFL STAR MIKE CAUSSIN SUFFERED FROM INFIDELITY AND BROKEN TRUST. TODAY SHE HAS TWO CHILDREN SHE ADORES AND IS EXPECTING A NEW BABY WITH HER FIANCE ALAN RUSSELL. SHE SAYS SHE HOLDS SPACE FOR BOTH THE TRAUMA OF HER PAST AND THE HOPE FOR HER FUTURE. >> I HAVE FOUND AUTHENTIC HAPPINESS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. WHEN I TRULY LOVED MYSELF IS WHEN I FOUND LOVE. >> JANA'S NEW MEMOIR, THE NEXT CHAPTER. HI. YOU'RE PREGNANT AND YOU'RE WATCHING THIS BACK AND I COULD TELL THAT IT WAS KIND OF HARD TO LOOK AT FOR YOU. >> YEAH. WELL, YOU KNOW, BOOK RELEASE DAY IS A LOT OF EMOTIONS AND HAVING TO SEE ALL THAT. YES, IT'S NOT EASY, YOU KNOW. EVEN WITH ALL OF THE WORK DONE, IT'S STILL -- OUR PAST AND OUR PAST HOLDS A LOT IN OUR BODIES STILL, RIGHT? >> YEAH. THERE IS THAT BOOK CALLED THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE. IT'S SO TRUE. I THINK IT STARTED WHEN YOU WERE READING THAT LINE ABOUT YOUR OWN FATHER AND WHAT IT IS LIKE TO FEEL UNLOVED, UNWANTED AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE AND HOW DO YOU THINK THAT SHAPED YOU? >> I THINK FOR ME, YEAH, MY CHILDHOOD WOUNDS, BUT THE MESSAGES THAT I BELIEVED, WHICH WERE NEVER TRUE, BUT THERE WAS THE MESSAGES THAT I EITHER MADE UP OR THOUGHT TO BE TRUE, JUST STAYED WITH ME THROUGH ALL OF THE YEARS. AND TO HAVE TO REWORK THAT IN YOUR BRAIN AND TO GO, OKAY, NO, THAT'S NOT THE TRUTH. I AM DESERVING OF LOVE. I DON'T DESERVE ABUSE. I AM GOOD ENOUGH. THAT'S A HARD JOURNEY, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE STARTING AT ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD. I BELIEVED ALL THESE MESSAGES SO LONG. NOW I HAVE TO RETRAIN MY BRAIN TO GO, NO, I DO DESERVE THIS. I AM MINDFUL OF THINGS I SAY TO MY KIDS, TOO, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM TO HAVE CERTAIN MESSAGE THEY MIGHT MAKE UP IN THEIR HEAD AS WELL. >> I THINK YOU PUT IT OUT THERE, SOME OF YOUR PAST HEARTBREAKS. YOU WRITE ABOUT YOUR FIRST MARRIAGE. IT WAS ALMOST HARD TO READ, YOU KNOW. THERE IS A LOT OF WOMEN WHO EXPERIENCE DOMESTIC ABUSE. IT IS A SCARY TOPIC. BUT TO LIVE IT, YOU KNOW, AND TO READ THAT YOU SAID -- BUT THE MORE HE HURT YOU, THE MORE YOU WERE, LIKE, LOVE ME. WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE IN THOSE DARKEST MOMENTS? >> SO, YEAH, I HAVEN'T SPOKEN MUCH ABOUT THE DOMESTIC ABUSE. IT'S THE HARDEST PIECE. STILL HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF SHAME AROUND THIS. WHEN I WAS READING THE AUDIO BOOK, WOW, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. THERE IS THAT PIECE OF SHAME THAT LINGERS INSIDE OF ME. IT'S DIFFICULT BUT, I MEAN, THAT ALSO -- AGAIN I'M TRYING TO WHEN I TALK TO BEAM ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OR WHEN I SHARE MY EXPERIENCES, IT'S LIKE, OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO THINK THOSE THINGS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS TO BE THE TRUTH. NOW I WOULD NEVER LET ANYONE PUTS THEIR HANDS ON ME OR TALK TO ME OR DISRESPECT ME IN THAT WAY BECAUSE I KNOW I DESERVE RESPECT. >> WHAT YOU DID AND IT'S CLEAR IN THE BOOK THAT YOU PUT IN A LOT OF WORK. YOU DON'T GO FROM A TO WHERE YOU ARE TODAY WITHOUT PUTTING IN HARD WORK. WHAT DID YOU DO AND HOW DID YOU ARRIVE IN THIS PLACE WHERE YOU ARE TODAY? >> SO I REALIZED THAT I WAS REPEATING SOME BAD PATTERNS. I WAS PICKING THE SAME PEOPLE. I REALIZED IT WASN'T -- AND I COULD SIT HERE AND SAY MY EX IS SO BAD AND BLAME HIM. IT'S TRULY, YES, MAYBE THEIR CHOICES WERE BAD, BUT I HAD THE BROKEN PIECES THAT ALLOWED CERTAIN PATTERNS TO CONTINUE. SO I HAD TO REALLY GO, OKAY, SOMETHING IS BROKEN INSIDE OF ME TO ALLOW THIS TO KEEP HAPPENING, AND IT WAS A LOT OF THERAPY. I WENT TO THIS AMAZING PLACE IN TENNESSEE CALLED ON SITE WHICH CHANGED MY ENTIRE LIFE. AND JUST REALLY AGAIN DOING SOME REALLY HARD WORK AND GOING, OKAY, THIS IS WHERE I CAN TAKE OWNERSHIP AND THIS IS WHERE, YEAH, I WAS DEVELOPING CONTROLLING AND MANIPULATED AND NOT THE BEST VERSION OF MYSELF AND THIS IS WHY. HERE ARE THE REASONS I DID THESE THINGS AND GRIPPING ON SO TIGHT AND JUST WANT TO BE LOVED SO BADLY AND REPEATING AND JUST TRYING TO HAVE THESE MEN FALL IN LOVE WITH ME. JUST THE TOXIC PATTERN. THE CYCLE OF BEING CHOSEN. >> WE HAVE MORE. WE WANT TO KEEP TALKING. CAN YOU STICK AROUND? >> YES. >> WE WILL TALK WITH JANA A >>> WE ARE BACK WITH ACTRESS, SINGER AND HOST OF THE WIND DOWN PODCAST, JANA KRAMER, A REVEALING NEW MEMOIR CALLED NEXT CHAPTER. IT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE, YOU TALK ABOUT HOW YOU HAD A PATTERN, YOU PICKED THE SAME KIND OF GUY. IT WAS THE WRONG KIND OF GUY AND YOU KEPT DOING IT. A LOT OF WOMEN DO THAT, BEAT THEMSELVES UP, YET CONTINUE DOING IT. AT SOME POINT YOU PULLED UP AND SAID ENOUGH. WHAT WAS YOUR POINT? >> I THINK REALIZING IT WASN'T JUST ME. IT WAS ME I AM REPEATING THE TOXIC PATTERNS. I DON'T WANT TO BE CONTROLLING, BE A DETECTIVE, I DON'T WANT TO BE, LIKE, ANXIOUS, I DON'T WANT TO BE JUST DESPERATE FOR LOVE. THAT FELT EXHAUSTING TO ME. IT WASN'T EVEN, LIKE, THEM. IT WAS ME. I NEED TO WAKE UP. >> WAS THERE A MOMENT IN YOUR LAST MARRIAGE WHERE I'VE HAD IT, LIKE UNCLE, SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE? >> THE LAUNDRY ROOM SCENE WHERE I WOULD HAVE NORMALLY GOTTEN IN HIS FACE AND WE WOULD HAVE JUST BATTLED IT OUT AND I JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND WAS, LIKE, I HAVE NO FIGHT LEFT IN ME TO CONTINUE THIS. AND THAT'S WHAT I WENT INTO THE CLOSET AND WAS JUST -- I BASICALLY PRAYED AND WAS LIKE SHOW ME HE CHEATED. GIVE ME A SIGN, EVEN THOUGH I HAD A MILLION OTHER SIGNS. I DIDN'T HAVE THE FIGHT ANYMORE. I DIDN'T WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE. I WAS EXHAUSTED. I WAS DONE. IT WAS GOING TO BE MORE PAIN TOFL STAY THAN LEAVE THIS GO AROUND. THAT WAS THE SWITCH FOR ME. >> NOW YOU ARE CHOOSING A DIFFERENT KIND OF GUY. TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT HAD HIM AND THE BABY ON THE WAY. >> HE IS WONDERFUL. IT'S -- I LOVE TALKING ABOUT HIM BECAUSE THERE IS JUST SO MUCH LOVE AND SO MUCH RESPECT. AND I HAD THIS KIND OF AH-HA MOMENT, HE RESPECTS ME SO MUCH. WAIT A MINUTE. IT'S BECAUSE I DESERVE THE RESPECT. I AM ACTUALLY ASKING FOR THAT AND I'M RECEIVING IT NOW. >> AND MAYBE IT'S THAT YOU RESPECT YOURSELF, TOO? >> EXACTLY. AND HE IS JUST -- HE IS WONDERFUL. HE IS JUST A GOOD OLD SCOTTISH BOY. >> I LOVE THAT HE SLID INTO YOUR DMs FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY. >> THAT'S HOW YOU MET? >> WE DID. HE SAID HE RESPECTFULLY RIECHD OUT TO ME. HE DOESN'T LIKE THE SLID INTO THE DMs. >> FOR SOME REASON SLID SOUNDS GROSS. >> HE IS OLD SCHOOL. HE IS, LIKE, I RESPECTFULLY RUCHD E REACHED OUT TO. >> NOW Y'ALL ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY. >> ANY MOMENT. THAT'S A CONTRACTION. >> AND MY BABY CAME AT MY BABY SHOWER. SO IT COULD HAPPEN. >> HOW MANY WEEKS WERE YOU? >> 36 1/2. >> HOW MANY WEEKS ARE YOU? >> ALMOST 35. >> OKAY. SO IT COULD HAPPEN. WE JUST ARE SO THRILLED THAT YOU FOUND JOY AND THAT YOU WORKED FOR IT. YOU DESERVE IT. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH. APPRECIATE YOU. CHECK OUT THE MEMOIR