Dave Chappelle On The Unforgiven Dave Chappelle The Great Story Teller1#

[Applause] all right here's the story I started doing standup comedy when I was 14 I'll never forget the first time I was on stage the guy that introduced me was a guy named JT Newton I'm 47 I can close my eyes and remember the introduction like it was yesterday it went like this ladies and gentlemen this next young man coming to the stage is starting his comedy career tonight who knows we may may be witnessing the birth of a star please welcome David Chapel from the first time that I ever held a microphone I was sure this was it I knew I was home I knew I had found my thing and my God man my God man I was a child I got good matter of fact I was good from the moment I started and I'm not saying this to be a bragged I'm telling you the truth these old [ __ ] was in awe of me how is this little boy so poised they used to say I was I mean you know I got better but it started out good about a year into it when I was 15 years old I had written a joke during the AIDS epidemic about having a goodye condom something I don't even remember the joke something about an industrial strength condom by Good Year I just remember all the comedians really liked that joke and there was an older comedian and he came to me one night after the show after he saw the joke and he said listen I got an audition at another comedy club and I was wondering do you mind if I do that joke I just I just want to borrow it now I'm a kid I don't know any better I'm like borrow it well I guess sure if it'll help your career I let him do the joke and then weeks later I was waiting to go on in the comedy club and he went on before me and he did the joke and after the show I pulled him aside and I said hey man I don't mind you borrowing my jokes but you got to give them back he said oh I forgot to ask you he goes let me buy that joke from you for $50 and I said man I do it but I'm just starting out I need all the material I can get the idea being that the more material I can accumulate the faster I'll be able to make money for my work I said I can't do it I want my joke back I'll never forget this remember I was a 15-year-old child this guy was a grown ass man he stood up over me so I could see how big he was and he said to me really I can just take it and he did I got scared because I was a child but I never forgot that I never forgot that I was 15 years old I'm 47 now I think about this guy all the time when I look at my own kids and I see how young and innocent they are I can't believe someone did that to me and I don't think about it every day because that was the worst thing that happened to me I think about it every day because that was the first time someone ever did that to me but in my career it has happened many many times since when someone would intimidate me or scare me and take something that I believe was mine tell you another story now I'm 18 years old I'm living in New York City and I just finished my first road tour which was a very difficult tour I'll spare you the details now I'm back in New York but my rent is paid thank God and I have $60 to my name and a woman that I had met in Pittsburgh a bad Dominican [ __ ] was coming to New York she was going to spend the weekend with me I couldn't wait for her to get there she was coming that evening remember I only had $60 for a whole weekend to entertain a bad [ __ ] now I'm walking through Greenwich Village and I see something something I've never seen before three card Monty you know what that is yeah the guy had the whole thing the table was set up and he had the three cards and crowd was hooting and hollering and he was like find the red card find the red card and people were playing sometimes they win sometimes they lose but it was really exciting and I'm standing there watching it and I noticed while I'm watching them play this game that the red card the one you're trying to find had just a little bend on the corner and I'm watching and I'm like yo this guy doesn't seem to know that red card is B I'm going to beat this [ __ ] and I walked up to the table and I said let me play a hand and I put my last $60 on that table and he starts to shuffle and find the red card find the red card and I kept watching that bent card go around the table make sure I kept my eyes on that bent card and when he stopped shuffling and he said find the red card I pointed to it with confidence here it is right here and he flipped it over and it was black and he took my money I couldn't [ __ ] believe that how did this [ __ ] do that was that Magic or sorcery I was confused so you know what I did I sat there and I watched them for a real long time play the game and I realized that all those people who was doing all that hooting and hollering and betting my God they were his friends they were in on the whole thing I felt so wronged I felt so stupid and then the next sucker came up to the table and was about to put his money down and I said [ __ ] that man don't put your money there all these [ __ ] is in on it it's a trick and when I said that the guy that was dealing and this [ __ ] was huge snatched me up by my collar feel how strong he was when he grabbed me I was a skinny little guy and he was going to mul me the only reason he didn't I'm sure is because he saw the fear in my face and that fear he looked at me I saw his eyes go from hard to soft he soften then he looked at me like the way a father would look at a child and he said to me young man don't ever come between a man and his meal I never forgot that either most [ __ ] would have to run the streets for years to learn a lesson that profound it took me two seconds never get between somebody and their paper taking a man's livelihood away from him is akin to killing him do you know why Prince the famous Rockstar that was a friend of mine do you know why he called himself the artist when he came back he calls himself the artist because that's what they call us in our contracts oh these contracts are crazy you should hear the terminology they say these contracts to use your name and likeness and perpetuity throughout the Universe who the [ __ ] could possibly know what that means nobody does it's so complicated in fact that when you're a kid like me you have to hire somebody to tell you what that means and you sit down at a table and you do the contract game and that's how I got with Comedy Central that's I signed the contract but I signed the contract the way that a 28-year-old expecting father that was broke signs a contract I was desperate I needed a way out and it wasn't good money and it wasn't good circumstances but what else am I going to do I said and all these white people sitting at that table told me trust the Dave it's a good contract and I looked around the table and they all seemed to agree it was a good contract but what if what if it was like that game of three card Monty what if they were all friends and I didn't know it and the bag of money was icebergs money in the first place what was I talking about what was I trying to tell you last week two weeks ago whenever it was I call La Michaels and I tell him okay I'll do it I'll do Saturday Night Live on Election night and and the day I made that phone call the day I committed to it it gets announced that Netflix is streaming Chappelle Show not just Netflix HBO Max is streaming it too tell you another story about HBO no hear me out did you know before Chappelle show was at Comedy Central I pitched that show to HBO I I told them what I wanted to do now these are Executives all they have to do is say yeah we'll take it or no thank you we won't but they didn't say either of those things they went too far they said literally what do we need you for that's what they told me CU they kicked me out of the office what do we need you for and here we are all these years later and they're streaming the very show that I was pitching to them so I'm asking them what do you need me [Applause] for people think I made a lot of money for Chappelle Show when I left that show I never got paid they didn't have to pay me because I signed the contract but is that right I found out that these people were streaming my work and they never had to ask me or they never had to tell me perfectly legal cuz I signed the contract but is that right I didn't think so either that's why I like like working for Netflix I like working for Netflix because when all those bad things happened to me that company didn't even exist and when I found out they were streaming Chappelle Show I was Furious how could they not how could they not know so you know what I did I called them and I told them that this makes me feel bad and do you want to know what they did they agreed that they would take it off their platform just so I could feel better that's why I [ __ ] with Netflix because they paid me my money they do what they say they're going to do and they went above and beyond what you could expect from a businessman they did something just because they thought that I might think that they were wrong and I I do I think if if you are [ __ ] streaming that show you're fencing stolen goods they stole that from me they just took it and I'm not up here trying to tell you guys that I believe that ComEd Central gave me a raw deal just because I'm black I believe that they gave me a raw deal because this [ __ ] industry is a monster it's the same monster that these me too [ __ ] was trying trying to tell you about but they hate the monster for how it [ __ ] and I hate that monster for how it eats but my God man it's the same monster when I quit the show all my friends would say well [ __ ] them da why don't you just do Chappelle Show at another Network yeah yeah yeah and why doesn't a slave run from One Plantation to another Plantation because the master over there might be nice my God man I was trapped you know what tell you the truth tell you the truth I've even thought about coming back and doing another Chappelle Show well but if I do I can't call it Chappelle Show because my name and likeness is being used by them in perpetuity throughout the Universe it's in the contract [Applause] you're not supposed to do this in my business I'm up here doing something that nobody else in this business has the balls to do I'm telling you something that you need to know I'm trying to explain to you what you're seeing you don't understand what you're seeing I am publicly flogging a network and I know that this network [ __ ] they they watching me and they saying why why why are you doing this so so publicly then feel good to be flogged publicly oh believe me I know I know exactly how that feels when I quit my show they said I was crazy who was crazy about it I just didn't want to do it anymore they said I smoke crack that's impossible I was a devout Muslim I didn't smoke or drink but I do now [ __ ] cuz you ruined my [ __ ] life now it's their turn this is their first [ __ ] lesson and I'm honored to give it to them they're going to pay me for this show I called my agent I said is there anything I can do about this show and he said no well [ __ ] you do then if you want something done right I guess you got to do it yourself so I'm not going to the agents I'm coming to my real boss I'm coming to you I'm begging you if you ever liked me if you ever think there was anything worthwhile about me I'm begging you please don't watch that show I'm not asking to boycott any network boycott me boycott Chappelle Show show do not watch it unless they pay [Applause] me if you're a shareholder at Viacom then I'm talking to you because all that [ __ ] that they do to us well they do everything for their shareholders that's what they told me so if you're you're a shareholder in that company tell them it's wrong and if you don't believe that it's wrong then [ __ ] you too should know what's in the hot dogs you eat now there's probably a bunch of people at Comedy Central and Viacom and all these places that have no idea what I'm talking about they've all either quit or been fired or got me tooed or something them [ __ ] is gone there's a whole bunch of new young people there and they're probably looking like what is he talking about they may not actually know what the [ __ ] happened to me so I'll tell you what I'm talking about go downstairs to your accounting apartment open the books see what that show made and look at what you paid me that's exactly what I'm talking about you're going to pay me I am inviting you to come come with me and work with me and let's fight against that terrible terrible feeling that you made me feel together we can fight together and work this thing with Chappelle Show out or or I can just take it thank you [Music] [Applause] [Music] do you don't forget me Pap go inter for me off are cry with are crying fatherless children are crying the L privilege are crying oh may we pray oh may we pray iest and Southwest when I come together may we pray oh prayer is a key oh yeah yeah yeah oh let me pray let me PR oh let me pray let me PR oh let we pray let oh let we PR oh let we pray pray is the King Jesus killing every day we are killing ourselves every every time oh we don't fire father fight for us according to your in Exodus 144 it says you will arise and fight for all and we will Papa give us Victory you [Music] everybody oh houses they don't burn them down will be rer homeless hey you go for a corner BR from house to house [Music] anybody we everybody because of everybody don't run because of so don't go on for refug for every nation for this when you go there you go see there for stre so they sleep for mot for Nigeria you go see them there Papa God [Music] pray let me PR oh let me pray let me PR oh let me pray let me PR oh let me pray let we pray in [Music] theing oh yes [Music] [Music] [Music] make yes [Music] [Music] [Music] Papa VES in Northwest and Southwest are Dam D where we go run to Papa help us Deliver Us Papa oh give us victory victory is all we Papa give us [Music] [Music] Victory forh even day at all even the one for three in not [Music] where they know they even go school but where they say children are the leaders of Tomorrow we go be leaders will not get book for oh make we PR PR is a key make we PR oh make we pray make oh make we pray [Music] make PR apost make we [Music] pray Bishops make we pray PR PR we prayers in the vard from Northwest and South [Applause] [Music] we pray for [Applause] [Music] those you them they can't finish our voice them they don't from to from B towest every killing every day people they die every day like said they been my people prayer is the key oh may we pray [Music] oh [Music] [Applause] [Music] PR e and I was I was on a plane I I was coming I was coming from overseas and uh I don't know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane but he stood up man he said everybody get on the [ __ ] ground nobody look at my face I started freaking out cuz cuz he was Chinese I was like why is he talking like [Applause] that was screaming and crying I was the only brother on the plane I thought I was the only brother I looked over there was one other black dude he was from Nigeria I looked over at him he was looking right in my face man he didn't say two words to me he just looked at me he was like he didn't need to talk I know just we was talking about I look right back at him I was like [Applause] some white dudes on the front of the plane scena they were like oh my God I think those black guys are going to try to save us M we were just communicating that we understood the situation we were both seeing the same thing what we understood was simple terrorists don't take black hostages that's the truth I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letting you um they is treating us good uh we all chilling and [ __ ] I like to give a shout out to Ray Ray and big Steve and CH new [Applause] cor you're not going to see it terrorists are smart they know what they're doing there you know they terrorists they know black people's bad bargaining chips they called the White House hello we have got five black hello [Applause] it's really some scary [ __ ] I got to tell you Harry Weinstein is probably the first person that I ever looked at a photograph of and was like yeah he rapes not sure this [ __ ] has a choice [Laughter] not a handsome man lot of meat and extra skin on his [Laughter] face yeah he's ugly you know the sad part is he's done so well in life he probably doesn't know he's ugly you know when you're good-looking everybody will tell you oh you look wonderful you're so great looking when you're ugly you got to figure that [ __ ] out for yourself it's a lot of putting Clues together through the is why am I not getting in the club I got all the right [ __ ] [Laughter] on it was Brad Pit doing that [ __ ] you wouldn't heard a people girl just come back down like I got the part yeah yet and yet it is important that I acknowledge ladies you are absolutely right there you go you got to all be mindful of that guys because uh this could happen to any of us could happen to me I can see that see myself showing up I am here from my 3:00 a.m. with Mr Weinstein [Laughter] hey Harvey I got your text I'm here to talk about the script seems like it's going to be hard to read and candl light but I guess I could [Laughter] try sound like a [ __ ] nightmare could you imagine that [ __ ] did you imagine if he was in a business meeting and a [ __ ] pulled their dick out in the middle of the Mee I be like yo yo my man this is the most unprofessional [ __ ] I've ever seen in all my days just let me finish D pal I'll put you in all three Lord of the Rings hurry up [ __ ] I have other meetings know I have a 4:30 a.m. at Brett ratner's house and I believe it's wardrobe fitting you got to make life interesting like that cuz the [ __ ] is flimsy life is flimsy you think you going to live for you Ain but not going to live forever it's dangerous out here we know what's going on I travel now you know I used to think DC had the roughest ghettos in the country nah [ __ ] m- I have seen some [ __ ] now oh there's some rough rough areas outside of DC yeah everybody should go to the ghetto I was taken to the ghetto one time that's the worst when you get taken you're not expecting to go usually you want to know when you go in the ghetto like I'm going to see some wild [ __ ] I got to prepare myself I'm going to see something crazy when you're taking it's different I had a limousine Drive driver it was after a show it was late tonight it was like 3:00 in the morning had limousine driver he was a nice guy talking to me and [ __ ] oh hey where you from dog DC word that's a rough City man and the cell phone started ring hold on one second hello oh what's up [ __ ] what what the [ __ ] slow down what what the [ __ ] no no no [ __ ] that [ __ ] [ __ ] it I'm on my way [Applause] hey I got to make a stop real quick at 3:00 in the morning I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first I start looking out the window I was like what the [ __ ] gun store gun store liquor store Gun Store where the [ __ ] you pranking me this don't look good he didn't say [ __ ] just pulled up in front of an old Rick building that looked like a project now I never been there before I'm not sure if it was a project but it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project a [ __ ] crackhead ran this way and then and then another one jumped out a tree and [ __ ] and I said I'll be right back and left me took the keys with him and just left me at 3:00 in the morning in front of a project in a [ __ ] limousine this was not good I was like man I got to look around and see if I can see some landmarks and figure out where I'm at might have to escape on foot now this is when I knew I was in a bad neighborhood you only see this in the worst neighborhoods remember 3 o00 in the morning it's 3:00 in the morning I look out the window it was a [ __ ] baby standing on the corner and the baby the baby didn't even look scared he was just standing there I mean it made me sad it made me say it really you know I mean cuz I wanted to help the baby I was like M I don't trust you either I'm sorry all right click click the old baby on the corner trick he not going to fall for that [ __ ] where is this limousine driver you know I stop feeling bad as time goes by I start feeling worse like man what is wrong with me what the hell is wrong I am scared of a baby and this baby could be in trouble he might need my help I got to do something but I wasn't going to get out the car I'm serious man I just cracked the window a little bit there's a old limousine I can roll it [Applause] down hey baby baby go home man St clock in the morning what the [ __ ] are you doing that [Applause] the baby said I'm selling weed [ __ ] I said [Applause] oh I wasn't expecting that I'm sure I had to buy two bags from the com my get too let me get too funny got back in the car and rolled me a joint man that [ __ ] was scary man every once in a while like a crackhead would come up to the car and look in the window it was like Jurassic Park should he be looking on the car hey get out of here [Applause] crackie that baby was still standing there man then I start feeling bad again yeah weed make you feel guilty sometimes man what is wrong with me man I have just bought weed from a from an infant I can't condone this kind of behavior what am I thinking I can't let the fear ruin my morals got to do something hey baby stop selling weed all right you got your whole life ahead of you he said [ __ ] you [ __ ] I got kids to feed I said God damn s and just to that very moment one of the crackheads run across the street and got hit by a car I know it was a hidden run the police did it that's all right they springing some crack on him and got back up I almost protested the war in the beginning almost till I saw what happened to them Dixie Chicks I said [ __ ] that if they'll do that to three white women they will tear my black ass to pieces I don't want to hear that [ __ ] Yeah man they would but I'm like for real why why you care so much with the Dixie Chicks say they not like they political scientists and nothing they just [ __ ] that can sing good you know what I mean stop worshiping celebrities so much just don't let don't pay attention I remember right around September 11th uh J Ru was on MTV that's what they say we got J Ru on the phone let's see what jaw's thoughts are on this tragedy who gives a [ __ ] with Ja Rule thingss at a time like this [ __ ] this is ridiculous ulous I don't want to dance I'm scared to death I want some answers that J Ru might not have right now you think when bad [ __ ] happens to me I'll be in the crib like oh my God this is terrible could somebody please find y' rule get hold of this [ __ ] so I can make sense of all this where is J God me J room [Applause] I've been seen that kind of [ __ ] man it's what it is they use the TV to programers from a young age you ever watch like a cartoon that used to watch when little as an adult [ __ ] is it's wild [ __ ] it's some wild [ __ ] I mean like I was with my nephew we sitting there we watching peepy the Pew I say to my nephew I said now pay attention to this guy cuz he's funny I used to watch them when I was in them and we watched a peep Pew and I'm old now I'm looking like good God kind of [ __ ] rapist is this guy like take it easy my nephew was sitting there cracking up see sometimes you got to take the [ __ ] like pppe like no no y I had to turn the channel real quick I turned on Sesame Street I said oh Sesame Street this is much better cuz now he'll learn how to count and spell but now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize Sesame Street teaches kids other things it teaches kids how to judge people and label people that's right they got a character on there named Oscar and treat this guy like [ __ ] the entire show they judge him right in his face Oscar you are so mean isn't he kids yeah Oscar you're a grouch it's like [ __ ] I live in a [ __ ] trash can I'm the PO [ __ ] on SES Street nobody's helping me then you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people get it together Grouch get a job Grouch so don't even tell me how to get to Sesame Street that is a terrible place I wouldn't go there if I knew the way who would want to live in the name of like that [ __ ] six foot pigeons walking around an elephant that's a junkie H bird hey that's right Snuffy hi bird I'm sick I need some smack bird the Cookie Monster with his eyes popping out his head cookie cookie cookie like e kind of cookies are you talking about chocolate chips don't do that to people and they had the nerve to put a pimp on there they didn't come out and say he's a pimp but I know a pimp when I see one they called him the count had a tape and everything you a s pimping [ __ ] where is my money you've been late four times I've been counting how many times must I smack you before you act right one two two SS that's what I'm waiting for cuz the timing of this Michael Jackson [ __ ] is what makes me doubt it every time there war is going out of control or the economy gets bad or something is wrong with The World At Large it's always these moments in history that Michael Jackson will coincidentally jerk off a kid this is getting ridiculous like are you planning this [ __ ] do you have meetings Michael thank you for coming as you know Michael the war has not been going as well as we expected there's been a lot of hiccups and the public is asking us a lot of questions of course and well like go there's no nice way to say this and all I know how to do is be direct so let me just be direct we're going to need you to jerk off another child Mike I'm sorry I am sorry but it would really help out or maybe he did it who knows who knows that's the thing that's what I wanted to say who knows who the [ __ ] knows Mike God and this little boy know that's that's about it it's about it all the reason that I can even talk about this [ __ ] is because everybody is speculating they all think he did it and I don't think he did it I'm alone in this I don't think he did it I'm not going to say I don't think he did it that's too strong [Music] let me just say I am reserving judgment until all the facts come out but so far from what I heard I mean the kid said he was dying of cancer he was in Make A Wish Foundation he claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish to meet Michael Jackson come on man give me a [ __ ] break this kid is 10 years old he don't remember Thriller the [ __ ] he want to meet Michael Jackson for honestly I remember thrilling and I just like kind of want to meet this [ __ ] like I wouldn't break an appointment to meet him I put it that way I'd have to already be free that's ridiculous it's like if I'm dying in two weeks and go oh mama oh get me in the room with chubby chuo I wouldn't want to meet that [ __ ] not my last two weeks why not Usher or somebody like this so then the kid claims he goes to Michael's house this is where it all gets crazy I don't like you know he does everything you'd expect at Michael's house they uh climb trees and rode roller coasters and Ferris wheels the chef made cookies pies and cakes they was petting the monkey and the giraff sing songs kid [ __ ] and in the middle of all this childlike activity for some reason Mike pulled out some wine and some pills and suck this kid's dick folks it hurts me to say it and kid had the nerve to call that abuse [ __ ] that is a good host God damn what else do you want what else do you want I'm lucky to get a glass of of grape drink in my friend's house long road coaster ride my dick sucked Mike must be confused like I brought you in my house I P you I suck your dick and this is how you repay me [ __ ] this was your wish not man thought you were dying in two weeks what happened to that [ __ ] I've been in court for a year and a half you get stronger every time I see you when that this is [ __ ] up I shouldn't even say as [ __ ] wouldn't be some ironic [ __ ] if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer was Michael Jackson sucking your dick somehow like if Mike had powers like Green Mile and all the kid was like please Mike Su got X never again he didn't appreciate it can we at least study your saliva please Mike oh my God but there's a more important reason that I would stop doing comedy right now and this reason is the real reason that's been percolating and and it really is the crowd not you I'm talking about the crowd on the big stage it's too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so brittle [ __ ] are so sensitive the whole country is turned into [ __ ] ass [ __ ] everything you say upset somebody but [ __ ] are just taking it too far I don't know why or how everybody got this goddamn sensitive you know who hates me the most the transgender Community yo yeah these [ __ ] I mean I didn't realize how bad it was these [ __ ] I was really mad about that last Netflix special it's tough man I don't know what to do about it cuz cuz I like them always have never had a problem problem with them you know just [ __ ] around as a matter of fact I think I make fun of everybody and I mean as a group of people they have to admit it's kind of [ __ ] hilarious man I'm sorry bro like I've never seen somebody in such a hilarious predicament not have a sense of humor about they're born feeling like there's something other than they're born as and that's that's kind of funny you know like it's funny if it's not happening to you I believe transgenders I don't understand them either but I know they mean what they say them [ __ ] cut their dicks off that's all the proof I need I've never seen somebody just throw their dick away don't need [Applause] it I don't understand but I believe you and I support your decision [ __ ] I was doing a show I was in Portland Oregon and I was checked in a a hotel under the name Charles Edward cheese I came back to my room late at night there was a a a note it was like a letter on my desk it was addressed to Mr cheats so obviously I'm going to assume that whoever wrote this letter must be an intimate friend of mine this is not some kind of name that a person would just guess but then I open a letter and it turns out I don't know this person at all it's a fan letter you know I'm not even used to the idea that I have fans but I'm grateful for it and uh I don't read those letters be nice if I did but realistically it's like what am I Santa Claus [ __ ] I don't have time for this got [ __ ] I want to do I'm trying to chill read all these dreams and wishes from strangers but then but I read it I'd already opened it so I just read the whole letter and you know what man whoever wrote this letter truly loves me I mean they were really [ __ ] nice in the letter and then they described to me what it was like to come to the show how excited they were how much fun they were having and then they said that when I got to my jokes about transgenders that they were quote devastated CU turns out that whoever wrote the letter was transgender now I'm going to be real for a second as a policy you got to understand I never feel bad about anything I say up here and I I would never admit this to you if I hadn't locked your phones up but it was the weirdest thing like when I read this letter the [ __ ] made me feel bad I didn't feel bad about what I said you understand I felt bad that I made somebody else feel bad to be honest I don't even know what I said that upset that person I have so many transgender jokes but I feel like I feel like it was probably this joke I'm about to tell you right now and it's not even that bad of a joke it's a true joke I mean it's not true but I I I had read in the paper that Caitlyn Jenner was contemplating posing nude in an upcoming issue of Sports Illustrated and I know it's not politically correct to say these things so I just figured [ __ ] it I'll say it for everybody else [Music] [Applause] yuck you know sometimes I just want to read some stats I don't know why you're going to cram some man [ __ ] in the middle of the sports page like this I just didn't think that was the place for it but I wasn't saying anything like Caitlyn Jenna is a bad person I'm not mad at her for doing it not even mad at sports illustrator if I'm mad at somebody I'm probably just mad at myself you understand it's deep down I know that I am not strong enough to not look at those [Applause] pictures and I don't think I'm ready to see what she's trying to show me so Caitlyn God damn it if you go through with this thing [ __ ] you better go hard to go home I want you to go all the way Hustler style do you know what Hustler style means miss that means spread the [Applause] lips I hope she spreads her lips and there itty bitty dick and sad ah the show is behind the curtains [Applause] I don't know what I said that upset that person you know I can remember when it all started it was when I was doing Chappelle Show when I was doing Chappelle Show I used to do the show and then on the weekends I do like concerts and [ __ ] like that so I'm doing a concert and there was a couple in the front row beautiful couple the wife wife was obviously Asian you can see it in her face the husband this [ __ ] was mysterious to say the least couldn't quite pinpoint where he was from caramel colored fell very nice hair but it could have been from anywhere Bangladesh Mexico Co I can't guess with a [ __ ] like this all I knew for sure about this guy is that his wife was a [ __ ] I could see that in her face too no he was laughing and having a good time and she was scowling at me at a goddamn comedy show I couldn't figure it out and then I realized at some point that she was pregnant and I was smoking on stage I said oh my God that's probably why she's mad so I started to put my cigarette out but then she hit me with one of them fake non-smoker CS so I just kept smoking I thought to myself [ __ ] that baby will be fine relax and I tried to break the tension I just asked her that's all I said I go hey where you guys from anyway and I could tell that she was on to me she goes very condescendingly she says I'm from California if you're asking my ethnicity I am Chinese and her husband was just cool about the [ __ ] he was like I'm Mexican bro I said well I'm sorry if I offended you by asking but you're a very beautiful couple and Miss there's no question that you're going to give birth to the hardest working baby this world has ever seen that's not a bad joke she got very upset she got up to leave immediately but she didn't just leave she had to take one last di at me on the way out I will never buy one of your [ __ ] DVDs again Dave Chappelle I said ma'am with all due respect Chinese people don't buy [Applause] DVDs and the crowd went crazy we've all laughing having a good time I didn't even think anything of it and then just 3 days later this lady sends a [ __ ] letter to my promoter telling him not to book me for shows anymore because I was quote racist huh and and I'm quoting her insensitive to the nature of my interracial marriage I was like word [ __ ] I was if she had just done a little bit of research Church she would know that I myself am in an interracial marriage that's right in fact my wife is Asian too surprise [ __ ] I'll see on [Applause] Thanksgiving but my wife's not Chinese she's Filipino that's right that's right and our kids are Puerto Rican somehow so there you go [Music] thank you oh thank you what's up San [Applause] Francisco I like your city it's beautiful tolerant place I didn't see much I haven't seen my friend call me I was like Dave having fun in Frisco hell yeah seen the sights no you want to go see alcatra what kind of [ __ ] in his right mind was to visit a prison for recreation I got friends in jail I don't visit I don't deal with jails don't deal with jails and I don't deal with police my house got robed in New York I didn't even call the police I wanted to but I couldn't my crib is too nice it's not that it's too nice but it's too nice for me you know how to police on New York soon as I open the door they'll be like he's still here open and shut case Johnson apparently this black guy broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere never seen anything like it don't deal with them man I I had to bail a friend of mine out of jail one time you know that was horrible I was scared I had to walk right into the belly of the Beast I tried to look as nonthreatening as possible hi I'm here to bail up my buddy oh okay well while you're here you do fit a description you'll walk this way we can process you that's how they always get us it's fitting those damn descriptions now I could be bitter and blame all the police but now I'll tell you who I blame it's those sketch artist they keep drawing the same brother over and over again who is this generic man we all look like I want to know what they say when it's us you me be that room like did you get a look do you see the guy that tried to rob you yes yes I did he's about 6 feet tall I'd say 6 feet tall yes he had his hat on backwards too good that's good stuff hat was on backwards yes he was black okay big lips big nose hanging out say no more sir I'll drum from memory you now let me get my stencil I think we can trace this guy and save some time they get on the radio calling all cars calling all cars be on the lookout for a black male between 47 and 68 between 120 and 380 lbs he's wearing Nikes get this man criminals are insane I don't even know why people do crime they want to catch you they're going to catch you they can't they got forensics you ever seen forensics those guys find Clues nobody else thinks about looking for I mean it you leave a pubic hair anywhere near crme scene they going to find that what what the hell is this back up we got a match then they look at the Pu and tell all kinds of information H looks like there was a struggle huh time of death 307 it's amazing I saw him get a dude one time on court TV was embarrassing it was it was a sexual assault case I knew the defendant was lying I could feel it he defended himself too hard he didn't his answers had nothing to do with the questions they're completely irrelevant they ask them easy questions were you anywhere near the crime scene on the night of the incident mother I told you I work at Burger King like that went on for hours then the prosecutor got fed up said I've had enough of this called the forensics to the stand forensics was like your honor we are prepared to testify that we found the defendant Seaman under the stove I said God damn that's worse than fingerprints and they find you a seing you've been there at least a minute but that's what I want to know under the stove you find seing like that or do you look for it like do they walk onto a crime scene like this place is a mess check it for seon or do they just like walk in and slip my God what the hell was [Applause] that s they find it on every crime [Applause] scene it's like what are burglar doing CU we got the stuff let's get out of here wait a [Music] minute I want to leave my calling card the Sean bandit has struck again [Applause] I don't understand nothing anymore I don't I watched TV the other day now tell me maybe it's just me maybe I'm crazy is it me is it me or do commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore you dig I don't even know what a commercial is about until the end everyone's a surprise nowaday you seen that commercial where the lady got the black eye this lady come on TV with a black eye she's crying she's like I smoke crack and my husband beats me and then a voice came on and said got milk I said it has nothing to do with milk not saying I'm a commercial expert but I make a better milk commercial than that just make it nice and simple I just do a closeup of a titty and put milk right underneath if that doesn't sell milk nothing will boy I tell you that right now it's 1997 titties are industry in 1997 they are I know they are I'm a customer I went to a titty barall last week at 3:00 in the afternoon now that's bad that is bad cuz it wasn't like I was out said let me let me swing by the titty bar no no I left my house specifically to see some tits can't judge me there's breast in there just what men do if a guy runs up to you on the street it's like hey hey don't go in that building there are naked girls showing their breast be like a wife dude in a horror movie a better investigate I'm going to want to see for [Applause] myself Tedy bar is a weird place I'm not saying it's a good place to hang out I I go there every once and then but it's a weird place they got weird morality one time I walked in titty bars all these guys coming in right