Allison Holker: The Silent Struggle

I would never consider saying I'm having a bad day not feeling great today I would pretend like everything was perfect all the time there's also this stigma of like well if I say that I'm going to sound terrible and ungrateful and like I'm not humble and I I'm not appreciating all these beautiful gifts that I've been given for so long I always was and I am so thankful for this life that I get to live I went on my best friend's new podcast he told me he goes I want to end each episode just simply asking scale 1 to 10 where you at today normally programmed to say anywhere between 8: and 10:00 but I actually was sad that day you know what if I'm being completely honest with you I'm a three today it's the truth and I spent so much time not telling the truth I think it's about time to just be honest I can be a 910 tomorrow but today I'm A 3 and that's okay [Music] Allison yes welcome to the squeeze thank you for having me hard launch hard launch oh jeez I'm caught I'm caught my gosh this is off to a terrific start thank you for joining us we are honored to have you here today really really just feel very blessed now already getting to know you guys and speaking with you has been so lovely because have such a great spirit about you and I feel so safe so thank you of course this is also just like really exciting for me because I fan girl I grew up dancing and I did watch So Think You Can Dance and this is like a full circle moment for me because I have literally watched you dance and like looked up to you and your husband for years so this is just this is just really cool take get to have you in my home in my home um but we start each episode off with a game called Citrus got real so there's this little jar here that ftic questions in them if you would like to pull one I'll push towards you fantastic I'll move the mic with me okay should I be nervous no these are funny questions this is also him ASR Dr okay if you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be okay okay one food or cuisine food it says however your heart desires okay I'll start off by saying which one I would never eat okay I will never eat kiwi yes kiwi looks like an alien to me interesting it's furry on the outside skin hair inside's green with eyeballs so you don't tou eye I do not touch ke it or kiwi sorry it looks like it's um an animal to me so no I don't eat it okay um the one food I would eat for the rest of my life can I say Sushi that's what yeah I Love Sushi that's normally my answer is Sushi I'm a big I'm a a big sushi St yeah sushi but not kiwi sushi but not kiwi man I yeah I love sushi too but I don't know I could do it like for each meal like if if I had to eat this one food for the rest of my life I don't know if I could like do sushi for breakfast what would it be for you one food for the rest of my life I'm such a I'm such a carnival like yeah mhm I yeah I just feel like it would just be like you could you could eat a fillet breakfast lunch and dinner yeah I I do think I could eat like a nice piece of steak for every meal I can agree with that that would be my close second yeah I'm a very big steak girl as well yeah yeah it would need to be a filet though I'm I'm picky about I don't like rib i m interesting I know she doesn't like like fat she likes it like nice and clean and just no fat I just always feel like when I'm eating a RI ey I'm like why I wish I was eating a filet right now yeah you always regret that decision yeah we always we'll split like a like a porter house or something big and I'm always like why did I why didn't I just get my own they're ginormous yeah that's yeah yeah it's a problem yeah it's okay we're working through it um okay I would just love to chat a little or soup or no you're I love soup girl you would be snatched I know I should really just do it wait what kind of soup any and all soups I love soup and I do actually have soup like the first thing in the morning I will put it in a mug and soup is like my coffee notice how I said drinking soup he literally I only do soup from mugs wow is it like bone broth soup yeah yep but but no he'll also do like a chicken noodle soup out of a mug too any and all soups out of mugs yeah I don't do bowls with spoons okay I love that though but yeah I could do that for every meal just as long as it's different soups I wouldn't want like french onion you know breakfast lunch dinner yeah they probably wouldn't get you snatched if you were doing that type of soup diet I think you're the first person I've ever heard say that but that's really fascinating you you really would though you'd be so fit yeah I know I should just do a soup diet you need to start using your like Ember mug the amount of times this guy microwaves very picky needs to be hot it can't be lukewarm scalding hot then I want nothing to do with it if it's just warm yeah no I'm the same I atat my food scolding hot coffee scolding hot yeah as soon as it becomes just warm done mhm or so I end up just microwaving things 10 times are you the opposite I mean I can't do like you can't do it hot I can't do hot hot hit our thing is like he can drink super hot but he can't touch it I can touch it but I can't drink it okay this is a weird thing we've learned cuz I'll wash a dishes and he'll like put a finger in it and he screams it's so hot Burns yeah but in my mouth needs to be be scolding yeah I do I do like soup not as much as you but yeah well that's why this works yeah great that is the only reason your relationship Works actually yeah it's the glue that's holding everything together right now I love that um okay are you done with your soup yes I'm done great um I would just love to hear about like a little bit about you and dancing and how you got into it and like did you know you wanted to like do it as a career like what was what was growing up dancing like for you it's really interesting I started you know not like a lot of girls do a lot of girls that start dancing start like three or four right very very young I started much later I was a tomboy I was like playing sports I was doing soccer I was a wrestler which is wild right not a lot of girls wrestle but I did I would wear my brother's like singlets and like all that stuff um but then I saw my older sister I saw her perform one time with a professional ball company a contemporary Ballet company and it was the first time that I saw girls not just be like glitzy and glamor in ballet but like very like aggressive and strong like they look like warriors on stage and I was like I love this I want to do it and I knew from a very young age that I didn't want to just dance but I was like I want to impact other girls to be warriors on stage yeah so from the moment I was like 11 years old I started dancing and I wanted to be like my sister yeah so I had a great example of someone that was just so fantastic she had such a great professional career as well so I had a great base to follow suit um and she was so instrumental to me becoming the dance Ram today um she was one of my teachers so influential to me we're so close and it was just really beautiful to have that connection with someone um but yeah so I saw my sister dance and I just knew I knew it was my calling from a very young age and I think that's why it was so different for me I was never going to dance CL just to learn something really cool yeah never cared about the performances it was like it's like dance called to me it was a purpose for me and I've always known that I was supposed to really help people with it and um that's how I found storytelling with dance so anytime I've ever performed it's always been bigger than just like really cool dance steps but like how do I make people feel and what are they going to walk away with and I started doing that when I was really really young um so I feel like that's kind of my gift with is like getting people to feel something and learn something about themselves or re-experience something or tap into a memory that was always what I wanted to do yeah is this a sister that plays pickleball no it's actually not I come from a very big family I I'm the youngest of five kids so I had to ask I had to ask um so was was your sister like trying to get you to audition or were you like I'm just going to like was that scary like how did you decide you wanted to audition for the show so when I first audition for so you think I was still in high school I was 18 years old my dance teacher called me from New York and she had just auditioned oh she auditioned as like um you have to be between the ages of 18 to 30 to audition my dance teacher was 30 living in New York she called me and was like honestly I auditioned and made it but this is more of something for you and I was like I don't really know what that means I had never seen the first season of So You Think You Can Dance but I was like my dance teacher called me I said you should go she called my mom I think you should drive Allison I at the time was living in Utah she's like I think you should drive her to LA to go to this audition and my mom was always game so she was like great I'll drive her my mom drove me to La I went to the Orum theater downtown and it was a very sketch area so my mom was like where am I dropping off my 18-year-old right now I can't go in with her and um she was very scared um but excited for me proud but I went in and I made it and it was the very first audition I'd ever done um and from that point forward it really pivoted my career cuz I went onto the show as a contestant yeah I went on my first tour it was honestly the first tour probably in history where the dancers were the stars of the show we were also hosting the show we had fans outside waiting for us but that never really existed for dancers before yeah um you were on season 2 yeah wow because I I started watching that from the first season it was yeah it was like CRA there was craze around that show it was it was because it was the first of its kind I think for dancers no one really at you know I think at that point dancers were really always seen as like the backup dancers to artists award shows maybe you saw them in a Broadway show but they never were really seen yeah so it was it was a big change to have that show so it was an honor to be a part of yeah it listen I love to think I'm like really skillful and talented but it's preparation and luck right so I was very prepared to be on something like that but really timing found me the universe found me and kind of gave me this opportunity to be a part of something that was going to change the dance Community forever yeah no that's so true I just I like remember like I mean obviously that was one of my favorite shows being a dancer but I feel like it gave so many young dancers like confidence to like go out and you know do that audition do like even if it wasn't even dance related like it just like gave confidence in yourself and like your ability to to do something like that yeah oh yeah what season was Stephen on so I was on season two Steven was on season 4 okay and what's really funny is a lot of people don't understand that when I was on season 2 Stephen was fully voting for me stop yes I was partnered with a guy named Ivan Kum who who is also a hip-hop dancer okay Stephen and Ivan were on the same hip-hop crew for years before I ever met or was ever on S thinky dance what yeah oh my gosh so when I auditioned Stephen was coming to the show to support my partner right and then he was doing a movie in Toronto he was doing the movie Hairspray MH and a really good friend of mine was also on the show with him okay her name is Sarah Jane she's lovely they would dress up as me and I at the parties and votee for me and Ivan so not just me but me and my partner and this is before we had ever met each other shut up yeah oh so then this is even funnier Ivan my partner had a party that he invited me to I met Stephen at this party but at this time he was wearing a fishnet top mhm piercings everywhere like eyebrows lips nose all the things these crazy like Elvy looking glasses a mohawk and dyed hair oh my gosh and he said when I like he came up to me trying to be all like cool and Suave and I was like hi and walked away from stop yeah so we actually met each other when I was on season 2 but I just it for me it's out of sight out of mind don't remember any of it wow so then two seasons later is when he goes on yeah when he went on and obviously he was so phenomenal on the show I watched that season like crazy he just he changed the entire game of the show yeah and I mean that in a a lovely way I don't mean like game that's like you know in a crazy way I just mean like he just changed like the personality type and how to connect with people oh yeah and his skill was so crazy good yeah um so I became a fan of him after that and then we met on season 7 so it wasn't for years years later so we often say to people you know that if we would have met each other earlier like in a more intimate setting it would have never worked we met each other on season 7 when we were both ready and able-minded had lived a lot of life before each other and we connected on like a very spiritual level which was really beautiful um but yeah so we met years and years later officially oh my gosh it's amazing like when things work out like that yeah yeah does did he remember meeting you the first time with the fish nuts and the piercings and stuff oh yeah no because that's the only reason I know oh yeah he didn't bring it up right away but it was a definitely a couple months into daating he was like so do you remember that party in Irvine California that I been through I was like no why do you bring it up he was like Wow cool cool cool he was like that was the first time I tried like you know try to like get your number and I was like oh yeah don't remember you at all oh my gosh he's like yeah I don't remember you either yeah yeah but he was very distraught about it so he yeah he had been sitting on that one for a while before he brought it up so funny oh my gosh well like I mean aside from like having the same like passion for dance once you were like in the mind space and you were like oh maybe this is more than a friendship what like Drew you to him um definitely his energy he just had this Spirit about him that and I've said this to people before that when you were with him you could be the best self of yourself you the best version of yourself I guess I would say he just brought something out of you you felt so confident and seen and heard and and welcomed and loved and he did that with not just me but everyone that he ever interacted with um and that was the gift that he had it really was his dancing was wonderful and you always felt something when he danced but like when you were with him you felt him and his presence he was beautiful he was one of a kind with that um but really we were really re like unique in our relationship when we first started talking we met each other and it was like instant like it was like once we were on season 7 we watched each other dance a couple times the first night we like hung out we were a thing and it was because we connected on like self-help books I think it was like two weeks and us like even we weren't even officially dating yet and we were discussing our love languages so we just connected on like a deeper immediately um we both were really big into journaling affirmations manifestations all those kinds of things so I think a lot of our conversations would fall into a deeper category immediately so we were just drawn to each other with those things yeah I love that um we have something in common oh we do have something in common and Tay told me this I was unaware were we both married in Paso were did you get married Passa I did yes we did too wait what Vineyard we not the same one as yours not the same one but we have been to that one beautiful Villa San Juliet yes is actually owned by the producer of s y dance we were told that yeah and we obviously are fans of Nigel yes um and did does he have it does he co-own it with somebody or is he does one of the producers of American Idol okay so it's him and his partner um when we got engaged obviously was very public being the dance community and he was like come get married in my Vineyard we were like we'll take it wow I love that you know weddings are we were like absolutely no questions asked he helped us set everything up and it's so beautiful there I mean we love Paso just as a whole we love Paso but um yeah they Villa San Villa Juliet yes yeah we've been a couple times I probably sound very American the way I'm saying it but I believe I believe that is what it's called good good wine too I have a couple in my Celler yeah but we love I we would always go back after um Nigel at our wedding and like honestly as I walked down the aisle which was such a Monumental moment in my life he's in all of the photos like the grandparent like taking photos like behind me it's so cute um and be yeah it's really sweet but he looks like my grandfather just like snapping I'm like you were literally in the middle of my walk the whole time like it's so crazy um but yeah he's been an instrumental part of our life Nigel is a wonderful human that I love and get along with and he's always been there for us that's cool that's awesome where where did you guys get married epic epic okay e p o c h okay um yeah yeah but we've been we've been going to Paso ever since we met yeah like a couple months after we met we started going to Paso just like on weekend trips and it just became like our like special spot people it's really like underestimated I know yeah right I know a little misunderstood area because it's so small but it's lovely it's so quiet it's beautiful and peaceful so I love going back there yeah we that was I mean a big thing for us we're both sentimental my husband especially but we were like we want to get married somewhere where we can like go back and like we like get married at a venue that we'll never see again for the rest of our life and just be like oh yeah that was a cool venue like we wanted it to feel special and something that we can go back and visit and yeah yeah so we we've been back plenty of times since we've been married and yeah I know pass is great we live it up there but we saw that I was like oh my gosh that's so funny I know I love that area so much oh I love that mission plan a wine trip let's do it we're absolutely absolutely do you want to go today like I don't know I'm free I love that um okay I want to talk about Stephen a little bit if you're comfortable but I would just love to know like were mental health struggles always a part of his life was it a newer thing uh what what was kind of his situation there so Stephen it's interesting is I know him as stevenh yeah a lot of people knew him as twitch y very two different humans um he wore this character of twitch and it it it did become a part of who he was but that extroverted personality was not natural for him so when he would go out as twitch and and make sure he's spreading all this love and joy and positivity and be dancing all the time for people and an Entertainer yeah and such it would it would drain his energy yeah and he would have to come home and he would always tell me and my oldest daughter at the time CU my others they were younger they didn't hear these things but our home was his safe place so he'd come home and have to like really recharge his battery yeah um and when you're saying recharge your battery that also comes with the state of depression because you get really low yep and you had to let him have that space to really kind of find himself in like in a darker space let him live in that he would always find his way out though so a lot of the things that Steph and I would talk about would be these tools in which he was really trying to help himself like I'm reading these self-help books I'm listening to podcasts I'm you know I'm talk you know I'm talking to friends I'm trying to connect with people and so I always thought that though you're dealing with this low side of you that you don't let other people see it seemed like he was really treating it yeah you know so for me I was with him for 13 years and I always was like wow like you're really doing the hard job like you're always checking yourself mentally and being honest like I need to I need to take a second for myself I need a little bit of space I need this but at the end of the day I think there was maybe extra help he needed that I was unaware of at the time yeah talking to a therapist maybe some medication as well but I I was unaware you know and I think he also was cuz I think he also thought he was taking care of it because he'd be like I'm low like give me some time to like yeah to build it back up yeah but I think there was this deeper thing too now that I never saw before I would always say to him and and other people would say to him like his gift really was that he showered people with love and now in the aftermath sometimes I wonder if when he would receive so much love he almost didn't think he deserved that love so he' give it right back yeah that's why he was such a giver yeah because if he receiv something he's like but I need to give it to everyone else cuz that's how that's how much he loved people so it's like it's almost like his most positive quality I'm like I wish sometimes he would hold on to it like now I tell people you can't just fill your cup like you have to hold on to half your cup all the time you know of love like cuz sometimes I think he would just keep draining himself so much it was just so on this roller coaster ride yeah that he kept himself on because he wanted to give so much but sometimes like I wish you would have just held on to that love that you deserved for yourself you know um but he was the biggest Giver of love that I've ever met in my entire life like what you guys saw on TV it was a huge part of him but the other side it would it would take a lot to be that yeah yeah it's such an insightful like way to look at it like you know now looking out then I love I love you're saying now of like you always have to make sure you have like half your cup yes still there that's so that is so important you know cuz we're you know we're always taught to like pour into others and like you know making sure where there for people but that can be so draining yeah it really can and you're constantly told by everyone oh I love you so much you're always so giving to like you so it's like now there's a pressure to even on the times you're low be like well I can't get low because that's what I'm known for I'm known for pouring into other people I'm known for being that person that people call on for advice or mentorship or this that everyone everyone across the board all of our friends family everyone's like he had never indulged them yeah yeah that he was that low um yeah I was just about to say besides like you know you guys talking about the books you're reading or podcasts was there ever a time where he got any deeper of saying you know I at a low to you or like to any of his friends so really he would keep it very very quiet um you would just see it sometimes and I think um the biggest scene this last the last year that we um lived with him um it's almost as if if I could give it a description um cracks in a window it started to show where a lot more people are starting to ask him like are you okay do you need some time even team members like and not out of like a vindictive way but like maybe you should take a break do you need some time for yourself and he would start kind of locking up being like no no no I'm fine and then doing the opposite because everyone started to feel like maybe you're tired maybe you do need to take a break and I think because he's always been that Powerhouse for everyone yeah instead of listening or hearing people's like maybe it's okay like do you need a second for yourself it's almost like he went the opposite way right what were those like cracks from him like what what did what were you noticing that was like a little different in him um con constantly needing sleep constantly needing sleep but then being an insomniac because he was so he would have to like pause in the middle of the day and take a break take a nap he was starting to seem a little sad MH um for himself and then you would ask him but he he didn't want to talk about it yeah um because I think it made him insecure he wanted to always be like I said he always wanted to be everyone's superhero yeah um so there were just you would and you could see those now cuz before that you never saw it he would hide it a lot more um securely in like very safe zones but it started to be in public too where like he'd have to take pauses and breaks um and people would be telling him it's okay but he would fight it he would just fight it constantly yeah and I think it's you know it's no one ever pressured him in the industry it wasn't pressure from the industry he pressured himself inside of it to constantly be better keep going keep taking on another project another show another this because people would be like take the summer you don't need money you don't need this you don't need another job you don't need the accolades or the awards but he would keep pushing himself to keep going yeah and it was always for other people right wow what do you think needs to happen um in society for men to feel more supported in their mental health it's interesting is I love that you're asking this because I get reached out to by so many men yeah saying that after this happened like I'm not being honest with my partner in life or my family or my friends about how low I'm feeling and I think it's brought a lot of recognition to the fact that men do feel so much pressure to be the providers yeah and and not just providers in a home but providers in success amongst their friends be the example be the men Mentor financially and um I think he was weighing that burden so much and also in his community of being a representative of his community yeah he put a lot of pressure on himself to continuously be there for them be a voice for them do the best to represent them and I just think all of those pressures start building up and he wasn't expressing it to anyone and I think that's the biggest thing is I think th y isn't as common I think for men as it is for women or as much of a dialogue that how necessary it can be and beneficial yeah and because if you're not talking to your friends about it if you're not talking to your family about it who are you talking right to with it yeah um so I think for me I'm a huge advocate now of like really expressing that therapy is so beneficial and just getting things off your chest that anything you say is not negative just get it off of you and face it and see it and let someone hear you yeah for sure yeah yeah therapy has been um we're newer to it we've been going for a couple years but it's been like for us individually and as a couple it's been it's been amazing cuz it's not only like a chance I feel like for you to have a safe space to open up but also like the tools that we've learned from it or like you know our like there's just like a bunch of little things I feel like that we've been able to gain well I would I would say the biggest misconception that we've heard from you know some people that um we know is like well first of all going to therapy is like a sign of weakness MH two um you only go to therapy when you're like desperate and like at Rock Bottom yeah but don't that that's not how therapy should be viewed it it it should be a normal thing that when you're happy when you're sad it doesn't matter it should become a normal thing so then you learn those tools and you're able to apply them to your life you know no matter what you're going through whether you're in a high or in a low um it's not a sign of weakness it's matter of fact it's a sign of great strength yes um and you don't have to wait till you hit rock bottom to go to therapy because it shouldn't be viewed like that yeah no I agree I think that's always when it's been taught though yeah you only hear about people going to therapy when it's like I needed it I was desperate being like no I'm consistent with it chery's in therapy something must be going on you know that's that's how I've like grew up hearing about it if somebody's going to therapy something is really wrong in their life yeah yeah and I think also just experiencing things not even talking to someone I think sometimes people feel like saying they're having a bad day is going to make people always have that lasting impression on you yeah so being a public figure and someone that people look up to when people ask you as simple how are you it's interesting to admit it but no one wants to say I had a bad day yeah no one's willing to admit that yeah especially being a public figure to a stranger or a friend or a mentor or a family member because you also if you're a humble person and you want to be seen as a humble person you have so much to be blessed with and thankful for and grateful for that if you're having a low day just for having a low day and someone's like are you okay and you're like no I'm actually feeling terrible it's like but you were working at The Ellen Show today yeah you've got three beautiful kids you're making money you have a great job so there's also this stigma of like well if I say that I'm going to sound terrible ungrateful and so I think that's a big thing that can happen to a male that is successful a female as well but really a male that's successful it looks like they have everything that if a friend or someone that you even care about asks you you're like I'm not going to say that to them yeah yeah I'll feel silly yeah you know and and look ungrateful and like I'm not humble and I I'm not appreciating all these beautiful gifts that I've been given and I think that was a I think that was a huge part of why he never opened up to everyone yeah it's cuz he wanted to be and was so grateful for everything he had that he never wanted anyone to think he was taking it for granted yeah yeah wow I can very much relate to that for so long I always because because I was and I am so thankful and so blessed for this life that I get to live but I would always need like I would pretend like everything was perfect all the time um and yeah I would never consider saying you know yeah I'm having a bad day not not feeling great today yeah but I literally I um I went on my best friend's new podcast like a week or two ago and he it was the first episode he's ever filmed of it and he told me he goes I want to like I want to end each episode um you know asking um because the podcast called are you happy and he's like I want to I want to end each episode just simply asking my guest like 1 to 10 scale one to 10 you know where you at today normally I would have just be programmed to say anywhere between 8 and 10 mhm because I live a great life that I'm very thankful for why should I you know yeah be sad today but I actually was sad that day and I just like raced through my mind I was like you know what I'm not going to fall into the same thing that I've done my entire life having to think that I have to be perfect at every day um and I'm just going to be honest and I said but the thing the thing is is I can be a three today and I can be a 10 tomorrow you know yes so that's the great news is things can turn around like that um and it helps when you're you know doing the work um so I am equipped to be back to attend tomorrow but if I'm being completely honest with you I'm a three today and he was like wow he's like he was like I did not think that's what you were going to say but I think that's really powerful and I was like it's the truth and I spent so much time not telling the truth that I think it's about time to just you know be honest I can be a 910 tomorrow but today I'm a three and that's okay I love that I love that and I think even specifically being a male admitting that is so big cuz like you know we've been talking about going to therapy and like you know mental health and all these things I have a she's my nanny but like my best friend sister therapist She's Like Instrumental in my life and has been for like 10 years and so is my mom I tell them everything but they hear all my lows yeah and the reason like what you're saying you can go from a three to a 10 is because for me when I'm at my three I call them and they're the reason I'm able to like Express so much to get back to ATT 10 like what you're saying like the next day to get back and I just I hope other people here that you're so willing to admit it to talk about it because it's the people you talk with that will help you get back to being a 10 yeah you know what I mean so I love hearing that you went through that you know I feel like I have a support system that helps me to get there when I'm having low moments and it's instrumental to your life oh yeah you know but even you being able to like admit it and say it out loud so publicly I think is just so big and admirable yeah I didn't know you did that yeah that's sweet surprise no I think that's big my kids school um my my son Maddox he's uh he just turned eight and his school the reason I picked it is one of the first things they didn't know like they didn't sell me on this concept but when I was touring the school the first thing the kids are supposed to do is they have this big board and has every emotion you can experience and has like a color board like the red to the green um and it has like popsicle sticks and every single morning you put your motion with your Popsicle stick so if like it's maddox's popsicle stick and let's say he's having he's angry one morning you can put on the red H and that's a way for the teachers just to be aware of your energy Wow Come ask you if you want to talk about it or a classmate to say hey yeah I saw you were in the red are you okay and it was one of the things that just stuck out to me I was like I need him in the school and they they have the board also like in their folder to bring home with them so they can talk about it with the parents and I just loved that because it's even when I've been in the school it's not like everyone's like you're saying it's not like everyone's always in the green yeah you see Kids popsicle sticks in different areas and no one's treating the kids different it's not like oh someone's angry let them be in the corner it's like everyone just understands you can be amongst your peers feeling this deep emotion and someone will approach you about it and talk with you and I just thought this is aill I need my kids to learn and so it's interesting to hear that from you because he's only eight and he's learning these tools so young that I never got to have but I'm very excited for him in this journey that he's on to be experiencing at such an a young age with so many people yeah so it's really cool one of the coolest things about that to me is also teaching them so young that you're not alone because you you know you feel like putting your stick in the orange you know that day but you see there's you know a couple other kids in your class that are also in the orange so it makes you feel okay to be like yeah I'm not I'm not green today but you know Sally and Jimmy are also orange so maybe I should go talk with them because that I mean that's like the biggest thing is just you know realizing that you're not alone going through whatever you're you know going through that day yeah and it's also the words that they put with it cuz it's not not just sadness or anger yeah it's like I'm feeling um annoyed I'm feeling infuriated but they they have all these different words so you also start being better about the definitions of the words you're using right I learned this thing um about couples right where like when you're fighting everyone always wants to say I'm so angry at you but are you angry yeah or are you embarrassed or are you annoyed or were you flustered yes because who whatever you say to your partner they're now going to be apologizing for that emotion they made you feel but if you actually don't know what the right one is you're never going to feel satisfied yeah from the recovery so I loved when I learned that his school was doing this and they're really looking and defining all the middle grounds of emotions you be feeling like oh you're going to have a great relationship in your future because you're going to understand the differences of those and be able to express it yeah and I thought that was it was very curious as a people right because um it was on Tik Tok so Tik Tok was my therapy one day I was like oh my gosh no I saw this woman she was like she got really mad at someone like a coworker yeah she she called her friend she's like I'm really angry what happened her friend's like are you angry or are you embarrassed mhm they started looking up definitions and she was like you're right she was embarrassed the way she apologized that other person was different because she wasn't actually angry at him yeah she was embarrassed he could also apologize being like oh I'm sorry I embarrassed you yeah for what I said wow anyways it's very amazing but I think just defining your emotions more clearly um will help people to understand themselves a lot more super cool yeah that's yeah we're going to use that next time we get in an a argument dis are you angry right now or I'm embarrassed we'll bring out the little popsicle sticks can't wait yes yes I will send them to you guys I love that um okay so I want to I want to touch on Grief and kind of your journey with it because I feel like navigating grief as an individual is one thing but then also having to do it as a parent and then also having to do it in the public eye um I literally just got chills like saying all three of those things because like I can't like comprehend those things what at first like how how was it like trying to find a balance which I'm sure was hard of like you know Stephen was so loved by so many people and like how how were you able to balance like you know let letting the public also grieve but also like keeping it in an intimate way for yourself like having to grieve through that um honestly it's been a huge struggle um we lived our lives so publicly for years um that people feel really connected to you yeah and um it's never out of a place of meanness it's always out of a place from support but I had to stop going out into the the public eye for months because I would go out and I was still trying to grieve and I would see people and I'd be with my kids and there would be immediate Tears like I'd go to the grocery store just be multiple people around us crying um and sometimes approaching us and feeling so safe with us which is a beautiful thing but using very big words in front of my kids and sharing their personal experiences or grievances through it and so I learned very quickly that we need some time from the public um because I need my kids to I need to be strong enough to experience this in public but I need my kids to understand what this is because it was happening to them as well yeah and so I didn't leave our after that we didn't leave our home for about uh 3 4 months wow we had like Paparazzi outside our home and yeah constantly inated with people but it like I said it was mostly love and support but we were still going through it so I was like you know what let's take some space Let's us go through all these emotions because also when people would be opening up to me I'm also just experiencing it and people were really looking to me for words of encouragement or advice which I wanted to give of course but I wasn't ready I wasn't in the space to be able to do that cuz I didn't know yeah so I decided we're going to stay inside and a lot of people got um confused by that cuz I Disappeared yeah for about yeah said like almost four months but I needed for me to experience so many different emotions so I wasn't speaking from an ill willed place or a wrongful place or an unknowledgeable place cuz so many people are looking to me for advice yeah I can't give advice or say how I'm feeling if I haven't experienced it all yeah you know and so I sat with the emotions and I would just allow myself to feel it all allow my kids to go through it and we'd sit with each other and we'd cry we'd laugh and we just had an open dialogue with each other but we stayed with each other and um felt all the feelings and I'm really proud of us for doing that because I feel like we're stronger people now um but we took a lot of space for that reason to grieve to support each other to feel it all to face it all so then we could come back not that we needed to live a public life but that we could just go back into public and a big thing that people don't talk about publicly is it's been very hard to get people to accept not Stephen or not seeing Stephen with us has been a very big thing for people um in the public setting being out and about it's very triggering for people to see us without him Andor socially when I'm posting if I'm posting an Easter photo and he's not there and it's interesting because people are still like trying to digest themselves because they're not living it day-to-day that when they see pictures of us or videos it can be be triggering for them that he's not there so just see the the highlights just the little Snippets here and there and so I found that it was really important for me to on the opposite regard okay I hid myself from the public eye for a while for us to grieve but now I almost have to reintroduce our family to people for their healing now to see us without him and get used to that and comfortable with that and see it still as the safe place we always wanted to be before yeah so it's it's been a journey for us to really you know help ourselves help my kids help my family help my friends but then to also help the audience and people that have supported us for so long to really digest this as well so there's been a lot of pressure but I'm proud of the work that we've put in to help everyone on this journey yeah cuz my kids have also taken it on as well and they understand it's been a lot but we we know that God doesn't give you something you can't handle and my kids and I are like for whatever reason this is our life and this was our purpose but we're going to be okay and we're supposed to help others on their Journeys through grief so we just take it on as a family yeah I yeah I could only IM imagine how much of a double-edged sword it is because the outp pouring of love for Steven just seemed like something that you just hadn't seen before I mean first of all did you know and fully like understand how loved he was by so many people oh yeah okay so that we we we had been in the industry for so long yes yes for sure so I I just would imagine like part of you know him being loved by that many people you know feels nice because there was this like Collective grief and is helpful and you know heartwarming but yeah also a little bit of like an invasion of privacy and just you know the the need to have answers and stuff like that I just would imagine because of how loved he was by so many how that would be a little bit of a d double-edged sword for like you yeah well it's because people felt so close yeah and we had shared our family for so many years and I think because he was so loved it's because he was so great spirited it's confusing but it's also confusing for us yeah um but at the end of the day his impact was so loud I want that to be the memory yeah I want him to be remembered as the beautiful spirit he really was and the you know the impact he had on the world we need to live from that yeah because he was such a lover but we also need to learn from it that like okay that's not your most important quality take care of yourself first right um I definitely have changed in that like take care of yourself first so then you can love everyone yeah but we can still move from love still even with this and I want him to be remembered as the beautiful person he was for sure absolutely how how was your grieving process like with your kids part one and then part two is what advice would you give for a parent maybe going through a similar situation that you've gone through so my kids are wise Beyond The Years first off I'll say that um we have very very big talks open dialogue never be scared of a conversation with your kids because they see way more than you understand and if you're not the one talking to them someone else is MHM they're ask questions somewhere they're going to go to another child and whatever that child says they're going to believe yeah so if it's not coming from you it's going to come from somewhere else so have those hard conversations and um my oldest is 15 and we always say this but like I'm mommy first always but we're best friends I'm her best friend she's my best friend and it's because we have such open dialogue and communication that there's nothing off the table nothing's going to scare me nothing's going to make me feel uncomfortable I might not have the answer yeah I'll certainly try to Google it I'll call a different friend but I don't ever want her to feel insecure about her questions on life yeah and um we've now seen my eight-year-old son being able at this young age start having conversations with us um because he's seen us have them yeah he doesn't feel shy about asking the really big questions hard questions about Dad about the situation what happened and we're careful with the verbiage of not making it scary but I have those very very very big conversation with him because he deserves that yeah because he's curious you know yeah and um I think that is a huge reason my kids are as okay as they are now is because I've had that dialogue with them they've had it with each other so then when it's approached by outsourced people publicly yeah they understand yeah and they're ready for it they've had those conversations with you yeah yeah so it's wow kids are a lot more susceptible in understanding that we give them credit for for sure wow yeah I love hearing that because I mean we obviously don't have kids but I've recently found myself you know worrying like how do I like how do I raise them to be you know confident strong independent like how do I how do I like protect them but also let them experience the world and I think that's so true like the open dialogue for like every facet of life is so true because I mean as you're saying it I'm thinking of yeah like you know my parents maybe didn't have the most open of dialogue with me and I definitely did see you know things that I maybe could have questioned and maybe you know should have talked with them about yeah but it's it's it's really special that you get to do that it's interesting cuz when you're a child that's experienced grief I never had so I'm only now as an adult experiencing it trying to teach these children but at the end of the day though they're experiencing so much a important thing for them to also understand is you're going through you will be okay yeah you're still going to be sad yeah but you're going to be sad you're also to be happy yeah that's just life somewhere in the world right now someone's enduring something that I can't imagine so you can never have the that victim mentality for yourself have empathy for yourself that's different right have empathy for the experience that you're having have empathy for the people around you but don't be a victim to it yeah you know yes so that's a thing I want them to know is be there for other people through your experience don't let it like consume you you know yeah it's very powerful yeah um I know that you took some time uh after Stephen's passing of not dancing MH and I'd love to know just how what that process was and maybe still has been like for you because I know you know dance can be such you know an outlet in a place to go like share your emotions and you know get stuff off your chest but when for you it's something that you know had such a big connection and passion to your husband um I can imagine that was um you know that was a pretty difficult time yeah well I'll I'll openly admit so for years in the industry I've been known as the Storyteller I've always told everyone's big stories stories of sadness pain abuse cancer I've always been the person that's demonstrated for my friends through their choreography these big stories to get them off their chest almost like their therapy MH and I wear that with the badage of Honor I've always been honored to do that for the people I love yeah um and it's interesting because I still to this day have not danced that capacity I've danced in Tick Tock form I've done some hip hop I've done fun dancing to bring a little bit of joy to to myself yeah but I still with all this though I have the biggest story to tell now have not danced that way and I think I'm still trying to prepare myself for it or learn that story still before I step into that role for myself I still haven't yeah a lot of people are like oh she's dancing now I'm like yeah right but the way you know me as a dancer I have not danced yeah um and it's still something I'm I'm understanding will probably come back into my life and be a really important thing I need to touch on but I have not faced that yet I faced Dancing Yeah Tick Tock like oh we did a little Kiki video but to the the severity of what my skill is I have not done it yet yeah and I know it's a big thing that I'll step into that will be really important and um in a weird way I think it will be kind of that like passage that I need to get through of my like Spirit yeah but I haven't been there yet wow yeah and a lot like because like a lot of people have like interviewed me and talked about me dancing like I have danced but like I haven't danced contemporary or the storytelling or the big routines I'm used to at all or like a big acting role like I haven't stepped into that space yet yeah so I think there'll be a time at some point yeah I was going to say is there any part of you that is unsure that you will get there I don't know yeah take it day by day day by day and I have this new role on S You Can Dance that I'm like a judge now on the show where I met Stephen um and being the not dancer and now the judge I'm finding the same like kind of satisfaction and appreciation for dance not being the dancer so maybe I'm finding in a new way yeah um but maybe one day maybe one day I'll put something together that would really EXP express my story wow yeah that's such an honest answer oh yeah yeah I'm a very yeah on okay your children's book keep dancing through you guys talk about you know the ups and downs of life and embracing it um like with the power of dance and I was watching an interview and you said that you almost didn't release it m why why was that I almost didn't release it because it was a book written with him M yeah with my kids and I was like do we just hold on to that memory for us right no one else knew we had written it yeah it wasn't going to be no harm no foul for the audience yeah and then also was I going to put my kids through that publicly yeah were we ready was I ready yeah um and at the end of the day I read it and I was like this is what I'm teaching my children right now this is what we always believed in what a more beautiful message that God gave me for me to keep dancing through for my kids to keep dancing through and then to pass it on to other people yeah that through the hard things which every single morning I say with my kids we do that and they finish it off by saying the hard things we got to keep going we got to keep dancing through yeah it's more important for my kids to be recognized for that hard work we put into that book yeah the time they spent on it it's an it's an honor to Stephen but it's an honor to my kids yeah that you're going to be okay yeah yeah and you're going to you're going to be whatever it is that you want to be in your life with yourself so it just felt like the message was beyond me and needed to be spread yeah yeah that's powerful um final question before we head into our little lemon seven segment I'd love to know you know something that you've learned about yourself good bad whatever it is over this past time um learned about yourself and then also maybe something I don't know if there is but something that you've learned from your kids is there something that your kids have taught you I learned so much from my children um I think um something I've always known about myself is that like I always say my strength's my strength and it's sometimes misunderstood by the public I'm not crying I'm not in the corner I'm not I don't never live I've never lived my life in victim mode so I think that's my strength is that no matter what's put in my way I I try to digest it and learn from it and grow from it and find it more as a teachable moment to help myself out of it and I don't know where that stems from I think I come from a really good family of really strong individuals that have always supported me and taught me that so it's probably from my family um but I think the biggest thing that I've learned is I'm I'm so happy and grateful for Life still and a lot of people look at me sometimes and get confused by that yeah but through all this there hasn't been one day that I haven't woke up and been like yes like this is the gift yeah I get I get to live I get to see my children I get to experience things even with the really hard complex emotional days or moments or memories or compli of just getting through Day byday Life by myself now yeah I would take it because I just I love living like there's still so many things I've on a bucket list and a lot of people are like well how do you have a bucket list when you're grieving I'm like because I still think this is such a beautiful place to be yeah yeah and so I think what I've learned about myself is I'm really grateful that I have that ability yeah and I hope my kids find that in themselves as well because it's a hard hard place to be all the time but I I I choose to live there yeah um it's not that I don't face the hard days it's just I choose to pick the other side to keep moving you know so I'm like I'm proud of myself for being that person but I think I have a lot of wonderful people around me that help me stay there so I'm like proud that I have a support system in my family and friends and my team that you know team is like your chosen family right that just keep us all supported and lifted up of like you're going to feel really sad you're going to feel as pain but like but look at outside how beautiful it is today yeah like you get to see that yeah so I try to I try to live there and I think it's a beautiful thing I always say romanticize your life cuz what else am I here to do yeah right I think before everything I was like a very career oriented person but now I'm like just waking up and existing fantastic yeah I woke up today makes you love all the little things I had a c coffee with some sugar I got a hug from my kids and I'm like today was great I got lost trying to find you guys but now I'm here and we're having amazing conversation so it's like that's it yeah you know yeah I mean you're like what else are we supposed to do like it's it's so true like you know we get we're so quick to get caught up in all these things and it is such a good reminder even you know for not dealing with you know loss or you know a change of career or whatever it may be even just the simplest day-to-day things you know inconvenience on this planet yeah we're on a tiny ball hanging in the sky that's so wild I love it I love it I love it right like it's crazy it's it's wild to think about that so I think we're going to be okay yeah sometimes you need to like you know I myself I'm sure other people just need to like hear that because that um that point of view and that outlook on life is just so important um cuz yeah we're all we're all going through something and it's so easy to get lost in that but coming back to that is the goal and just you are you inspire the crap out of me and you're an amazing mother um and yeah I just feel yeah lucky to be having this conversation with you and learning from you it's really cool I think as as we've been talking I I think I've realized why why I looked up to you as a dancer and I think it's this your strength that a lot of people strive for and I think you make it attainable like the way you know you're not like this confident boasty person you you you're just you and you're you're living life on this hanging ball and like you're you just you know grab it by arms and you take it day by day and I think I think that is what you know attracts you to so many people yeah is is that because so many people see your strength and go how does she do it you know after after all she's been through like her strength is admirable but how and you're just like it's very simple and you can have it too I I you know I'm blessed I live you know this beautiful life and you and everyone can have it too yeah so that's really it's really cool and I think you were spot on with that yeah thank you thank you lemon seven okay we'll finish with 117 I don't know what 117 is but 117 so these could be like rapid fire if you want go in an expl explanation feel free there's just seven questions that we like to ask our guests that our listeners just love okay I love I love love love all right number one what movie or song title best describes your mental Health today great question um okay is definitely going to expose me as a parent inside out okay oh that's great okay inside out because I will admit for a long time in life like I was scared of admitting sometimes I'd be sad yeah so I I've learned now that it's okay to be like exactly what you said if you're a three out of 10 on a day like just say I'm sad it doesn't Define you so I think inside out that's great wow that's perfect um number two is how open are you with people in your life when struggling um oh now o Open dialogue everywhere I'm too honest about how I feel now Shez like someone should probably put like a little like cover over this sometimes but yeah I'm very honest at any moment like I've learned just to be like here you're getting all the facts and this is what it is how I'm feeling and this is me and if you like it you like it if you don't okay so yeah I'm too honest I love that love that okay number three um if you could only follow three social media accounts can go across platforms but only three accounts okay what would they be there's a guy I don't even know if his name is case. Kenny he always like has like inspirational quotes Okay and I repost them all the time they're just like quickfire inspirational quotes and I was like yep that's how I'm feeling today it's like I feel like he's like reading my life but he has no idea who I am but it's like Kenny huh I don't have to look this up it's like I'll send it to you it's like he just always has these like hard-hitting quotes I'm like yep that's inspiring cool um Lewis house phenomenal I just I'm so inspired by him and um the way he lives his life and he's such an inspiration to me and and a friend as well um and then I would say um can I say my trainer MC fit of course you can cuz like he works I don't know he helps me get fit he's like I don't know it's helpful it's really helpful in life so yeah so those things you know who also always puts up quotes that I'm that I repost more than I repost anybody AO oh yeah he I I don't repost people's stories I don't do the guy is a walking meme in the best way possible like just everything he says I'm like I need to I need to put that on a freaking billboard like everything cuz the way you say it just always directly connects with me and I'm and I'm like wow like how if I you literally just did like yesterday or a couple days ago no I know I don't I don't repost people's stories or posts ever but AOS I feel like I do once a week yeah super inspiring always has so much advice but words of encouragement from such a healthy manner so agree fully yeah that um number four is what is your favorite form of self-care um oh my gosh my favorite form of selfcare I am a huge cold plunger you are every morning I cold plun for 5 minutes 50° or 45 I sauna three times a week and I work out every day but like they're my non-negotiables like you don't get a step on my time yeah yeah like that's if I'm in there bye-bye I need to meditate cuz there also meditations I I meditate when I'm in there um so yeah those are really big for me and have been for a long time the cold plunge has been good for you though oh yeah I'm I'm trying I'm trying do wait do you one I no no we do it's not set up so no yeah but yeah I need to I need to get one um and I need to just get over my fear of it but it's less of a fear and it's more of just like I can't stand it once it's integrated into your schedule I'm like a very big day planner kind of person like so if I do it every day at 6 it's like you can't get me to not do it at 6 like I make coffee at the same time every day I'm a really like routine person um and so for me it's like my body actually feels it if I don't do it yeah that's what I've heard yeah um but you do you have to get past the first few weeks of it because it is painful at first but then I literally I crave the pain of it right like you do you start to be like I can't wait to get in so like my body starts getting like energized when I'm looking at it I'm like oh I can't wait to like step in here I drink coffee while I'm in there and listen to music wow and mine's outside so it's very aesthetic right love that it's an experience yeah we need to we need to just we need to yeah we were recently on vacation and they had a cold plunge but it wasn't super cold so I was able to do it and I felt amazing coming out of it but it also was probably like high 50s yeah so we can just like turn it down like every day just like one degree yeah I don't mine's not the coldest like some people going like at 35° I is I like to be in there for longer periods of time yeah um oh I get out and I'm literally Frozen though yeah yeah it's crazy but I I love my kids do it wow oh my gosh we just start somewhere and then we can you know I told him I was like we should just jump in our pool like we have friends that have done it in their pool yeah yeah we need to just do that I'll do it if you do it good for skin it's great there's so many benefits um this next question is you oh number five we alternate to I love I love it um I have a feeling maybe we've um discussed this but what would you say is the most misunderstood thing about you oh my strength yeah yeah it's it's seen sometimes by people as being like I'm in a lot of ways unrelatable mhm but people you know I I'll say this it's really interesting because I think sometimes people also forget because I'm a public figure sometimes even though they know me so well and see me for so long people forget I'm a parent yeah and it's like I don't have any other choice yeah like it's already something I'm really good at is being strong and picking myself back up I've always done it and and I'm not scared of being by myself I'm like very strong in that kind of setting like I'm okay but on top of that but on top of that I'm a parent like I take care of three kids like I can't miss a step it's going to affect these three humans that I love so much so it's like I think people forget that I'm I'm not just his wife like I'm a parent to three kids that are existing still and still going every day yeah so that yeah so true number six is who has had the most positive impact on your mental health o oh my children um all my kids have taught me so much um and they have such incredible qualities that I've learned how to be a better human from just experiencing them um and then my oldest just being 15 we can have such honest dialogue like man it's it's interesting to say that I've healed with and from and for my oldest wow yeah so my oldest daughter she's I mean if she was here sitting with us like she'd be dropping balls of knowledge like she's so fire she's so incredible and um her being at my side through this um she also took on the role of my protector which I didn't understand at first um and I didn't want but my therapist is like no let her have it and I was like okay okay um but my daughter's been just an instrumental role to where I'm at today wow how cool is that I want to meet her oh she's wonderful she's the coolest if I could go back in time and be cool I'd want to be her oh yeah she's really cool amazing yeah I love that what a special relationship yeah okay last one number seven if you could go back to One Moment in your life what moment would that be and what would you say to yourself wow okay I know that's a big one um that's a a ginormous one um honestly I probably um I'll take it on a lighter note [Music] um I would go back to a younger me um when I was 20 and I just felt really lonely tell you it's going to be okay it's going to be okay you're going to be okay that's all I'd say yeah I love that I think this is I I say this often but I like really mean it this time this interview has been so special I think for people to think you're like unrelatable and your strength is one of the farthest things because this has honestly been like one of the most like relatable and honest conversations and I think think if people actually took the time to know you and didn't just read a headline and form form an opinion that like they're just missing out on the human that you are because like I mean I know Taylor has had a lot of light bulbs go off in his head during this episode I could feel it um but myself included like you just the knowledge that you have and what you've been through and how you're choosing to live your life in the honesty that you're giving is just I don't really like have words to explain it so thank you yeah I'm just very thankful and I know our listeners are just as thankful so thank you for your time and for joining us thank you this has been lovely you guys are you guys are wonderful so thank youwe this has been great [Music] oh