Do We Enable Masculinity Energy Too Much? Dr. Robin Smith

my days are cooler nights are warmer and I put the blame on you time mov slow my heart beats F when these eyes are looking right at you right at you you give me something to believe in just what I needed you're the closest we've been talking a lot not a lot a lot because I I don't tend to you know want to spend a whole lot of time on you know what men should be doing and women and blah blah blah but we were talking briefly this week about Cam Newton because he sat down with uh Dr Cheyenne Bryant and they had a conversation Nick Canon had spoken with her as well and the conversations around having all these children and and he's with this Cam Newton with a woman and telling Dr Cheyenne he's still looking for his wife which if I'm that woman I'm feeling some way I just had your I'm pregnant with your ninth child or whatever I'm like really you know like and and all of the ways in which you know folk may be mad at Russell Wilson is is trending because he loves his family people mad why y'all mad about you know or or jealous of Sierra or what I'm like listen listen um there's a lot happening but there was this uh video that went on around it was I think it was on Instagram and I want to play it it's 4 minutes long but it was a woman she had she's fed up she's she's at her wits in Dr Robin she's getting a divorce and she was saying some things though that I feel like a lot of women are feeling and it it comes off as women just want to dominate no just the opposite um but I want you to hear what she's saying I want to talk about it and I want to invite people also to to uh join us in conversation it's the Karen Hunter show the number here is 86681 talk this is mama say mamaa on Tik Tok play miss you know I may make light of the reasons why I'm getting a divorce but truly one of the biggest ones is I've been in this masculine energy for so long that I have lost my identity like I really feel like a damn man for most of the time in this relationship I have endured things that no woman should have to deal with um when it comes down to things like protection imagine now my son one of them teenage son not 5 years old teenage son thought he was going to be in an altercation with another guy I had no idea he walks past his dad he walks past his brother and he says mom come with me this guy is talking and I want you know I think it was his his computer or something he wanted something back without hesitation I jumped in the car my gimpy poststroke surviving self jumped in the car to take this boy to meet this kid for a potential altercation with no hesitation I drive him over there and he actually gets into a fight just think about that in a crisis in a potential um situation of harm his instincts is to seek me out like to forgo his dad or his brother but seek me out like I'm the goon in the family I've been masculine for so long that we actually will go somewhere I'll come out to the car and my husband and my son are sitting in passenger seats nobody's in the driver's seat they're waiting for me I've been in this masculine energy so long that I don't even recall more than four or five times I'm 56 even talking about or discussing menopause or understanding that some of the emotional changes or the changes in my skin or all these different changes are coming from that no concept of it my brother-in-laws used to talk mad to me just the most inappropriate most vulgar things that they could say to me and because I think maybe because of the military likely I would just talk back but the fact that my husband allowed it in his presence for them to say the most deplorable things the most disgusting vulgar things to me and him not feel the need to protect me from them that's crazy and it didn't even occur to me until my boys got older like so we're talking about years when my boys got like 8 and 11 years old and they were actually in the room and noticing this that's when I spoke up because it occurred to me that my sons were witnessing the disrespect and how their their uncles were treating women and I didn't want that to be their standard and when I approached my husband about it he said oh well you seemed fine and you were giving it right back to him but were you fine with it sir I've been masculine for so long I'm constantly thinking about filters HVAC filter water dispenser filter the air filters in the car I was reading this whole list about if you've been imbalanced for so long and I'm checking all the boxes the selfcare hair that's for the freaking burnout the stress that I've been carrying and just the impact it has had on my physical body like I walk around every day with a headache of some degree literally every day and sure it all right so that um I wonder if she's alone I play that is this anybody else's experience 866 Dr Robin you see a lot of people you counsel a lot of people is this common you're you're muted okay s right I'm sorry um it's common but I'll tell you what's more common is how she went missing and didn't know it you know we have a fantasy that we will go missing and someone will come you know a search and rescue will come to get us and the person who needs to know that you are missing first is you is you that's the truth I mean people don't want to hear that they're like yeah but my husb I'm like no no I get that but before we can start addressing your husband then how could he have allowed what he allowed the question question is what was turned off in you and I'm not just talking about this woman her courage to share her pain and her Awakening but the part that I want to encourage her and everyone else who can identify with this is what is it that you need to do today to recognize that quite possibly you have gone missing and no one including you is looking for you you know when's the last time someone saw you in my book hungry I have a chapter and I talk about um has any like when's the last time someone saw the real you not the image of you not the airbrushed you but when's the last time you saw you and I really am asking people who are listening today have you seen yourself did you know that you were missing did you know that you've had experiences where people are degrading you and you're actually laughing and participating whether it is sexually or or about race or about weight you know women who are degraded about their appearance and they laugh along when actually they're hurting and so I'm inviting today that you take your own temperature and ask yourself how am I doing for real for real how am I you know it's wild I started the show talking about the questions and the importance of asking ourselves questions that it forces our brain to not just search for answers but to pause in the search right and the the Deep questions that we ask ourselves will not return void right they the answer will come to you but as I was listening to this woman the problem that I was hearing was not her husband was it was you teach people how to treat you and I feel like so many people in relationships like this stay because of the children they don't want the sons you know much like we were watching with the daughters you husbands fathers and children lives important they're important so you don't want to deprive your children of of having their dad but research shows that happy mothers have the greatest impact on the success of a child's life happy Mothers yes happy Mothers so you can extricate yourself from that relationship still have the man involved in in your child's life with without uh sacrificing yourself and your happiness your joy your peace your wholeness in the midst of it I I don't know if that's professional uh you know absolutely no it's solid it's Sol and Karen the truth also is that it's not just happy mothers but it's mothers who have prioritized their own self-care so women and I hear hear this so often can wear this badge we might consider of Honor about being exhausted and we can do a laundry list of how tired and tapped out and our kids are coming to us and not going to a husband or an ex-husband but what we haven't done and you just pointed to this is to ask why what's happened to me that I'm participating in that and how was I conditioned how was I groomed groomed by Society groomed by our family's culture but how was I groomed to participate in such self-neglect and so every woman who is listening today that's a question it's not a blaming question but it's a question of curiosity how did I learn to operate on empty and flash a badge as if somehow that's my Birthright yes let's take some calls we have a few minutes left Dr Dr bobin Smith absolutely correct uh Ivory in Illinois uh thank you for calling you're on the Karen Hunter show it's Wellness Wednesday hi hi hi Karen hi Dr Robin um it's first time Callin but I listen to your show all the time so the lady that was on that clip and I apologize I don't remember her name but well she didn't it's called Mama say mamaa on Tik Tok okay I'm G have to check that out because like that hit me hard I'm not in the same situation I'm not married anymore but I was but what I'm saying is that I can relate it made me sad and almost it made me laugh the way she was talking and it's not funny but we do that where we put other people first you know I have a child he has some special needs so you know that comes first I'm a nurse I go to school there's so many things that we do but what made laugh and this is not funny like I feel like the man sometimes even though I don't you know his father's not in his life but I feel like I have to do everything which I do I have support but I still have to do so much but self-care I make time for because if I don't I feel like I'm gonna go crazy so I do the small littlest things that I can do to keep myself San but I always think about my father who's passed on you know he taught me what a man should be like he was married to my mom for 42 years he wasn't perfect but he was a good man and he taught me what a man should be like and I find it hard to find somebody because I hold the standard up to him like I struggled there I read can I I just want to ask you something and thank you so much for sharing your story when you say that you have this standard of your father I'm wondering who taught you that you matter my both of my parents I mean I can't say they didn't because they did my mother was strong my father was the head but my mom was the neck know there was I just I had I'm not saying they're perfect no but they're good parents they're damn good parents and I struggle do you know that you do you see yourself as a damn good parent I hope I do I do I'm not yeah yeah yeah but wait a minute I just heard a chuckle I heard well I I hope I see it's interesting that you can lift your your parents up but I want to make sure that you're also able to lift yourself up right yeah I am a good parent Dr Robin I am I am a good parent I am a good parent I want you to I want you to walk and strut in that I mean I want you to claim that in a new way so that as you were doing you said little things of self-care that you can actually begin to claim your unap itic right to uh to prioritize yourself particularly given that you have a special needs child a yes [Music] yes and I put the blame on you time move slow my heart be FAS with these eyes eyes are looking right at you right at you you give me something to believe in just what I needed you're the closest