"What Is This Show?!" - David Hasselhoff | 8 Out of 10 Cats Series 13 Episode 3 | Jimmy Carr

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] tonight on eight out of 10 caps don't hassle the Hof it's David hassle Hall Joker in the pack it's Justin Morehouse and there team captain Johan lock and facing them tonight countdown Queen it's Rachel Riley he's a standup fella it's Rob Becket and their team captain John Richardson now welcome your host Jimmy K hello and welcome to edit of tenen cat a show about opinion poll surveys and statistics did you know for example 33% of British men say they like their smartphone as much as they like sex for me they're similar about 5 in long and they've seen more than their fair share of Angry Birds Mir cats are able to recognize each other by voice alone how do they manage it well it's complicated and 43% of people say they've made love in a car I know I have I'll tell you what if my car could t I'd be David Hasselhoff right let's get [Applause] started what are you talking about that's the name of our first round it's our panelist job to get the British Public's top three most popular talking points John team what do you think people have been talking about this week the most interesting one is John Travolta John Travolta you know he gets a bit naked asks for some favors this is the story that two people are suing him claiming that he made inappropriate advances whilst having a massage apparently so they say he asked for a happy finish and then when the guy refused he accused him of being selfish a little hissy fit off come on W me off no selfish sod he said he's got a bill from a Chinese restaurant that night in I think it's in New York and they've even got what he had which is cream of some young man out a should we just get the 70s on the phone and see if they need that back there's no way he's G he was probably out with Simon Cal picking up B I can't believe John chal is gay I can't believe it's impossible to believe he spent a lot of time in leather he's great at dancing Perfect Teeth he's an airline pilot hang around with cin Cru he's not gay I should say that John Travolta has denied these allegations David you must have you must have met him you you're a Hollywood star come on you must hang out together what what is this show about I mean I thought it was an animal show just wondering it's eight out of 10 cats yeah they yeah they bring them on in the interval sit if you've worked on Britain's Got Talent I guess you've got used to not taking the title of a show too literally [Applause] well that's not one of the most talked about things this week but John Travolta has been accused of inappropriate behavior whilst having a massage it's been alleged that Travolta propositioned the man for sex well that's not quite how he put it he actually said will you touch my rama lama lama kading dingdong before suggesting they moved to the bedroom for some Shoop shw ippity boom de boom yeah okay Sean what you think the they should be talking about this week well there's the the Britain's Got Talent which you used to do didn't you did you you did it over here didn't you I did it over here Brit's got talents mainly made here Sean if you know what I meant bloody M logic yeah what's the americ what's the American one called H America's Got Talent I knew it yeah but you were great on the show yeah oh thanks I had a hard time understanding everyone but I uh I got the tour of the country and uh well you and you end up going out with the lovely Welsh girl as well you yeah my girlfriend is from Glen e and the weather is uh weather's tough over there the weather's tough everywhere you have two Winters over here I mean you have two it's like you have winter and July yeah that's why the buttons on our shirt go all the way up to the top if they made bayat in Britain you'd seen a lot more nipp was coming tell you that I did I haven't watched Britain's Got Talent this year until last night I realized that the show is exactly the same as it was last year they just go to like the hospital and it's like one through over the kg's nest and they give you the people medication and they they send them to Brit's Got Talent and that's how you got the job should called Britain's Got a dog that can stand on two legs it's just a dog so we've not seen you dance imagine it's something quite similar if I dance countries will go to war RA are you asking John to dance definitely go then I'm the woman that wasn't dancing John that was like turbulence on a flight you're going back to your s oh sorry did you watch the show Rob uh yeah well I was I watched the voice but then it went a bit down here after the blind auditions but Holly Willoughby they've made a wear low cut tops haven't they to get like the viewing figures up up on the voice but my dad told me when I was younger that if you go to the top of the television screen and look down you can see down girls tops it's not true um Justin have you have you been watching BR Got Talent I watched the one when you was on it Hoff cuz can I call you Hoff or the Hoff call me the d d I like it every year where where Simon Cowell or somebody with authority like you says but will the queen like it and I've watched it for a number of years now and I realized the queen loves a bit of hi pop Street dance if the judges were honest on that show there wouldn't be a final would they they just go well let's just give up you know Butlins is brilliant at the moment because all the [ __ ] acts are on telling you go to Bogner you can see Ian McKellen doing Hamlet should we have a look and see whether Britain's Got Talent is one of the most talked about things this week number one yes it's the final of Britain's Got Talent this Saturday right fingers on buzzers two more things to get the Coalition and like local elections and all that lot anything that gets relaunched is doomed so they've relaunched the Coalition this week and the next thing is they'll rename it it'll be like it's not the Coalition anymore now we are democratas yeah they've relaunched a coalition which you not you not keep relaunching something mean you can relaunch you could relaunch puke as Street Pizza could do mean anything I did see Cameron was in that tractor Factory in basilon and the best thing about it was he was doing this speech and there's all the they've stopped the production line and there's all these fellas who work on the in the factory standing around watching them you can see in their eyes are thinking this doesn't count as a tea break does it well I I don't know who to vote for cuz I'm like I've got workingclass background but my girlfriend's very middle class she used to be upper class but we're together now you're dragging her down boy her sisters has got a boyfriend called rer rer I'm not having a go he said decent name but I never thought I'd meet one the best way they could have re establish support in the nation this week is like slip a lot of song lyrics into the Queen's speech because she doesn't write she just reads it if she'd have to go I know for my people man's too tight to mention but and it's a big butt I like big butts and I do you know what they're all right these guys they're all right they you us to do that in exams absolutely you us to do that in all our exams let try and work lyrics and quotes from films into the into the thing it's quite hard to do with mattic sound R man have you met David Cameron I did I met I went to the Parliament and I had a you know I just wanted to see it and met David Cameron but um who's who's Nick CLE that is what David Cameron asked [Applause] you right let's see if it's up there [Music] [Applause] yes David Cameron and Nick leg relaunched the Coalition this week David Cameron attempted some political spin by claiming what you call austerity is what I might call efficiency sure and what you call a government is what we might call a [ __ ] shambles okay uh we got one more thing to get fingers on buzzers go on Sean is it the uh the bomb pants bomber the guy who had put a bomb in his underpants and had no metal in it which which is obviously very bad news because it means now when you you already go when you go through security you've got to take your belt and your shoes off next you're going to have to go onto the plane with your pants in a cellophane bag so this guy was he was in fact a double agent so they said right okay you got to go and blah blah playe put these pants on get on that plane and then he went and gave the pants in I don't the so the old thing isn't they say suicide bombers the idea is if they they die in the process they go to heaven and they get 72 virgins if that's going to happen the last thing you're going to be blowing up is down there first it my favorite fact about that is apparently it was supposed to be a mistranslation and it's not 72 virgins it's 72 grapes you'd be a bit [ __ ] wouldn't you you BL your 72 grapes grapes wet grapes and even virgins isn't great is give me one girl who knows what she's doing uh David what do you make of airport security do you mind it or I'm very happy to wait in security and and go through as long as you know they don't ask for an autograph for a picture that is why the que's Alone by the way I'm very happy I'm very happy with the security everywhere I go because it makes it a lot safer if you have to wait in line some of your country people are not as fond of the airport security have a look at this there's all these stalkers in people I've been reading now going and getting jobs especially in LAX and other areas so they can grope you pedophilia off the charts with them robbing people's bags hitting on women it's incredible who else wants to grab people people's genitals all day who else wants to rub men and women's crotches I mean I don't care if it was Marilyn Monroe in her height of beauty and I obviously would be attracted to a woman like that I would be embarrassed and would not want to put my hands on her without her wanting it I'm not a rapist I'm not a molester I'm not an abuser I'm not a fondler I don't go to parks to jump out and grab women [Applause] ex EXC excuse me I'm just filling out my application for me that was Alex that was Alex Jones The American shock jock yeah it's really one of those things if you have to keep saying that doesn't look good in my experience if you have to hire a camera crew to film your go hey I don't jump out of parks and touch women's tits stop saying I do Jesus they they're bringing over the um like the Olympic flame aren't they from Greece so our annoy that's got obviously come on a plane how in order you be you're queuing up to get all your shampoo chucked out and someone goes past with a flaming stick I can't take my air gel he's got stick on fire mate sure that's not loud is it I bet they get an aisle seat anyway okay let's have a look and see if the double agent pants bom is up [Music] [Applause] [Music] there yes the USA have foiled a terrorist attempt to take down a plane with a bomb hidden inside a man's under wear I don't know how the Detonator on a pants bomb works but I really hope you get to say pull my finger at the end of that round John Rachel and Rob have one point Sean Justin and David have two points our next round is pick of the poll Sean Justin David what' you like the look of well we've got uh we got a lovely picture of David there I think we'll have to go for that okay you've chosen David Hasselhoff David you're in the new piranha 3 dble D movie what's the film about give us the page it's about an hour and a half and it's about piranhas uh that uh get into the pools and beautiful women and uh David Hassel off not saving them because I'm not really a lifeguard never have been one and um it's um I know there's some talk of making a sequel which I'm excited about what with the sequel will be called piranhas on a plane okay here is your related question okay most people think their own nightmares are scarier than horror films true or false I'm not in a horror film but I'm in my nightmares I don't care who dies in a horror film I care if I die and I think I'm in a if someone's chasing me with a knife I'm much more scared than I am if someone chases you with a knife and I don't I mean I know that to be true so what was your last nightmare about I remember a very Vivid nightmare when I was a child about uh me and my mom being trapped in a toilet while people are getting killed outside but I'm not sure it's funny that's quite edul that you're trapped in a toilet with your mom people are getting killed outside are the people getting killed outside your father are you fighting a snake that's coming out of the toilet trying to tell your mom and your mom's welcoming the snake you can get the snake off mommy that's free I'm not even charging you for that when you say that's free you say that in the sense that and now you're fixed by the way Rob do you ever have nightm I when I was a kid I used to have a weird reoccurring nightmare that David Seaman just kept on popping up at my window and I'd wake up before he did anything so I never knew his motive okay most people think they're own nightmares are scarier than horror films you know the reason horror films are so successful is so that cuz girls girls and boys go together it's a reason for girls to sort of get close to boys so if they go go together she'll go and he can go like that and then before you know it is that that scary my friend at Uni took um a girl on the first date to see Freddy versus Jason and then on the way home he bought her he didn't actually buy her they went to KFC but he wouldn't even treat her to the bucket he wouldn't even treat her to the bucket is that she split the bucket he split the bucket you didn't see a movie and then he split the bucket well that [Music] sounds that's the rudest thing I've ever said piran 3D is a sequel isn't it there's a piranha film yes did you see that before you did 3 DD of course he didn't I um part of it and on heart have you seen Piranha 3D well yes I did I yeah I did I did go to the restroom at the the pivotal moment of the film and miss that is it where all the credits come up yeah no no it has something to do with a piranha and a guy and and well there's you can say most anything you want on these TV shows so if if I say Willie well steady own DAV steady own you his kids there's kids still watching this you saying the f word every every five seconds and you're making a reference to Mr tinkle Mr tinkle getting his Anatomy chopped off in 3D by a piranha while in the moment in the moment I can't believe you said Willie on the show you're a [ __ ] sucker you [ __ ] sucker you come [ __ ] show you [ __ ] use that word don't you have people's you I mean do you not have the name Willie over here is there a Willie in the audience oh oh God okay so uh I want answers now John most people think their own nightmares are scarier than horror films true or false what do you think true true you're going true what do you think Sean I think that's true I can tell you you're both right it's true 74% of people think that own nightmares are scarier than horror [Applause] films and the winner is is the name of our final round here is your question best way to compliment a woman rule number one never thre a letter box great tis I think the best way to complement a woman is offer just would you say to her would you like to deliver the final blow to the otter I've stunned it I've stunned it it's not going anywhere would you like Madame the Cy grass the cie grass would you like to finish off the Oto she goes bang the 's dead I've got a girlfriend so we don't really do compliments anymore it's more reassurance is it well she worries well cuz I go like do a lot of gigs around the country she worries about me sort of playing away late nights and lot of drinking and stuff but like and I try and reassure her the classic Paul Newman quote and I say to her look why would I go out and have a burger when I got steak at home but the problem is when you're pissed burgers are well nice [Applause] me show you a very good way to compliment if you're in a long-term relationship is always wake up before your partner or your wife right so when she wakes up you're just staring at her they love that so she wakes out like that and then you're just there going did you did you have a good night's sleep difficult when when you inherently sound sarcastic even if I mean it oh you look nice I tell you what look John just just for the sake of just genuine I mean Rach you you look lovely this evening but genuinely John look at Rachel in the eyes and tell her she looks nice this evening just just genuinely see if you can do she's a beautiful woman tell her she's a beautiful woman John you're very no John just take a minute John take a minute just F just tell her tell her how she think so many women at home that will be quite excited you're a very beautiful [Applause] lady that's honestly you're happy with that that's the best you could I it's not it's not the sort of Arena I'd planned for it to happen into do you know what I mean I'm a whiner I'm a diner I'm a [ __ ] wher I'll say why is there not around on how to compliment a man I got needs why don't you lock me in the eye and tell me I'm amazing well after I went to see your standup show um I cleaned my house a bit more that's the most depressing compliment I've ever to see you do the thing you're good at you know then you show off in front of the women I went home and I tell you what I scrub that skirting B uh David how do you compliment a woman I would probably just say you look like you should have been on Baywatch oh even I'm melting oh so best way to compliment a woman you've lost weight it's it's not that I'd [ __ ] your mother tell her she's pretty that's the right answer yes yes the best way to compliment a woman is to tell her she's beautiful well that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show which means the final scores are John Rachel and Rob have three points sha Justin and David Hasselhoff have three points it's a draw everyone's a winner thanks to all our panelists our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home if you want more tune in to where our tank cats uncut on Monday that's it from us good night [Applause] a [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]