Allison Holker on navigating her grief journey after losing her husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss

um okay I want to talk about Stephen a little bit if you're comfortable but I would just love to know like were mental health struggles always a part of his life was it a newer thing uh what what was kind of his situation there so Stephen it's interesting I know him as Stephen yeah a lot of people knew him as twitch yeah very two different humans um he wore this character of twitch and it it it did become a part of who he was but that extroverted personality was not natural for him so when he would go out as twitch and and make sure he's spreading all this love and joy and positivity and be dancing all the time for people and an Entertainer yeah and such it would it would drain his energy yeah and he would have to come home and he would always tell me and my oldest daughter at the time cuz my others they were younger they didn't hear these things but our home was his safe place so he'd come home and have to like really recharge his back battery yeah um and when you're saying recharge your battery that also comes with the state of depression because he would get really low yep and you had to let him have that space to really kind of find himself in like in a darker space let him live in that he would always find his way out though so a lot of the things that step and I would talk about would be these tools in which he was really trying to help himself like I'm reading these self-help books I'm listening to podcasts I'm you know I'm talk you know I'm talking to friends I'm trying to connect with people and so I always thought that though you're dealing with this low side of you that you don't let other people see it seemed like he was really treating it yeah you know so for me I was with him for 13 years and I always was like wow like you're really doing the hard job like you're always checking yourself mentally and being honest like I need to I need to take a second for myself I need a little bit of I need this but at the end of the day I think there was maybe extra help he needed that I was unaware of at the time yeah talking to a therapist maybe some medication as well but I I was unaware you know and I think he also was cuz I think he also thought he was taking care of it because he'd be like I'm low like give me some time to like yeah to build it back up yeah but I think there was this deeper thing too now that I never saw before I would always say to him and and other people would say to him like his gift really was that he showered people with love and now in the aftermath sometimes I wonder if when he would receive so much love he almost didn't think he deserve that love so he'd give it right back yeah that's why he was such a giver yeah because if he receives something he's like but I need to give it to everyone else cuz that's how that's how much he loved people so it's like it's almost like his most positive quality I'm like I wish sometimes he would hold on to it like now I tell people you can't just fill your cup like you have to hold on to half your cup all the time you know of love like cuz sometimes I think he would just keep draining himself so much it was just so on this roller coaster ride yeah that he kept himself on because he wanted to give so much but sometimes I'm like I wish you would have just held on to that love that you deserved for yourself you know um but he was the biggest Giver of love that I've ever met in my entire life like what you guys saw on TV it was a huge part of him but the other side it would it would take a lot to be that yeah yeah it's such an insightful like way to look at it like you know now looking out and I love I love you're saying now of like you always have to make sure you have like half your cup yes still there that's so that is so important you know cuz we're you know we're always taught to like pour into others and like you know making sure we're there for people but that can be so draining yeah it really can and you're constantly told by everyone oh I love you so much you're always so giving to like you so it's like now there's a pressure to even on the times you're low be like well I can't get low because that's what I'm known for I'm known for pouring into other people I'm known for being that person that people call on for advice or mentorship or this that everyone everyone across the board all of our friends family everyone's like he had never indulge them yeah yeah that he was that low um yeah I was just about to say besides like you know you guys talking about books you're reading or podcasts was there ever a time where he got any deeper of saying you know I at a low to you or like to any of his friends so really he would keep it very very quiet um you would just see it sometimes and I think um the biggest scene this last the last year that we um lived with him um it's almost as if if I could give it a description um cracks in a window it started to show where a lot more people are starting to ask him like are you okay do you need some time even team members like and not out of like a vindictive way but like maybe you should take a break do you need some time for yourself and he would start kind of locking up being like no no no I'm fine and then doing the opposite because everyone started to feel like maybe you're tired maybe you do need to take a break and I think because he's always been that Powerhouse for everyone yeah instead of listening or hearing people's like maybe it's okay like do you need a second for yourself it's almost like he went the opposite way right what were those like like cracks from him like what what did what were you noticing that was like a little different in him um constantly needing sleep constantly need sleep but then being an insomniac because he was so he would have to like pause in the middle of the day and take a break take a nap he was starting to seem a little sad MH um for himself and then you would ask him but he he didn't want to talk about it yeah um because I think it made him insecure he wanted to always be like I said he always wanted to be everyone's superhero yeah um so there were just you would and you could see though now cuz before that you never saw it he would hide it a lot more um securely in like very safe zones but it started to be in public too where like he'd have to take pauses and breaks um and people would be telling him it's okay but he would fight it he would just fight it constantly yeah and I think it's you know it's no one ever pressured him in the industry it wasn't press from the industry he pressured himself inside of it to constantly be better keep going keep taking on another project another show another this cuz people would be like take the summer you don't need money you don't need this you don't need another job you don't need the accolades or the awards but he would keep pushing himself to keep going yeah and it was always for other people right