30. Unleash Passion and Connection: Tips for a Sexier Relationship

[Music] hello and welcome back to Magnetic masculinity podcast where we provide men with practical tools and strategies to bridge the gap between achievement and fulfillment so that they can live their most magnetic lives today we're talking about a spicy topic um sexuality and Intimacy in relationships and maybe before we get into it can you talk a bit more or even like Define what is intimacy what it looks like and same thing with sexuality yeah no problem easy um so sex is something I love to talk about intimacy is something I love to talk about vulnerability I think that there should be when we're in our authentic alignment and our most magnetic selves there should be can be a delightful connection between the two but currently in humanity the two are often separate and we often substitute sex for deep intimacy or vulnerability um so sexuality is just a normal healthy expression of a biological human desire that different people feel in different levels so there are people who have incredibly high sex drives and there are people who have a low sex drive there can also be biological aspects like I've worked with a lot of men and some of them um when they experience low testosterone from all the environmental things that we have in are all the chemicals and things that impact fertility and hormones cell phones and round up on our Lawns and all these things they sometimes experience low testosterone that can cause a low sex drive but then there's also an authentic component to that where some people have a very high sex drive sex can be used as a replacement like I said for vulnerability and intimacy and it can also just become um a type of addiction so there's also some parts work if if anybody want to refer back to our paric episode that can be sprinkled in there and um yeah I think this is going to be a really fun episode can you can you talk a bit more about sex as replacement on like what does it look like or what are some of the reasons for that so if a man has been conditioned by his family church Society where our current snapshot of evolution to suppress emotions not not taught how to be open and vulnerable but celebrated for his sexual prowess and obviously we all have biological needs and urges and there's nothing wrong with that there I've I read all kinds of Statistics before this episode they were also different so I don't know which one to quote but men typically think about sex a lot of times a day and there's nothing wrong with that but when they don't know how to get those core needs of love and belonging met sometimes the closest they can get is feeling that connection of sexuality with someone else so while it is is just a normal valid healthy urge and can be a lot of fun like anything as we've talked about in another episodes anything itself can be on the light side or the shadow side I don't like the sort of grimness of the Shadow side analogy but it can be helpful or unhelpful healthy or still waiting to become healthy so it's not it's not black and white or binary it's it's it's just about self-inquiry and saying is this in the healthy end of this is this meeting a need in a healthy way or is this meeting a deeper need in an unconscious unhealthy way um to meet those needs of love and belonging acceptance appreciation admiration and all of those things that we talked about in previous episodes can you talk a bit more on the importance of or how to cre safety when it comes to intimacy what's the role in that and maybe talk a bit more also on differences between men and women when it comes to intimacy yes absolutely and this is an important one that I discuss with a lot of men actually I was discussing this with one of my clients yesterday and I was explaining that in order to feel a healthy form because again women can have healthier unhealthy helpful or unhelpful um expressions of sexuality again sexuality it's self is neutral it's the energy behind it and how we're using it like any tool is neutral it depends how you're using the tool but with women we really need to feel safe to open up intimacy and deep meaningful sexual connection so and men need to feel need to have sex to feel close so it's this sort of paradoxical relationship where those the way that we get our needs met currently typically if I'm generalizing are somewhat misaligned so I tell men constantly if you want to have more sex with your partner make her feel safe and not only safe at home like yeah we have a we have a security system and I pay all the bills those things are great and I celebrate you for those things but what she needs is to feel emotionally safe and I tell men all the time I told this to my client yesterday I was like oh that's all you want is more sex with your wife great I'll tell you exactly and specifically how to get that and we talk about that last week in our episode about um Love Languages and attachment Styles so it's making our partner when our partner when their needs are being met and their emotional bank account is full as long as there is not a layer of trauma which is possible or a layer of biology which is possible I'm going through a hormone Al transition in my life and it definitely changes everything um so I'm I'm not saying this is the only reason but it can be very helpful to First create that Foundation of safety emotionally and allow her to be vulnerable without feeling defensive attacked um and just listening to her and having conversations with her is going to help her feel safe to give you the intimacy and sexual experiences that you need to feel close to her are there any for men listening any signs that they could look for if their partner is feeling safe or unsafe within relationship I think having a conversation with them is helpful but also so many of us were not taught a lot of these skills growing up so somebody may not even know themselves if they feel safe or not they may not know what feeling safe feels like again it depends on the level of trauma they've experienced and I think we're as a species we're relatively traumatized so I think it's fair to assume that most people have some sort of emotional or attachment trauma um because we don't get to choose what our body stores or experiences is trauma trauma can be you know running downstairs when you're six wearing a fancy outfit with cowboy boots and a skirt and a weird sweater and being like look I look amazing and your parents saying oh my God you look ridiculous go change we're late stop that you know whatever it is or a kid pointing you out to school and saying you pee your pants whatever it is our nervous system can record those experiences as trauma so there is I just want to acknowledge that there is layers of trauma here that we cannot completely unpack for each individual within the container of one um podcast episode but I like that sort of assuming that other people's reactions are coming from a valid place of historical um comparison or experience so it's being really honest with ourselves communicating very lovingly without judgment and constantly inquiring within our own body and constantly inquiring with our partner and the I also had a question about how men can navigate May them being made feeling bad about them wanting to have sex or having that you know like because I feel like a lot of times men are seen as oh that's all you want H how can men address that or deal with some emotions that might be coming with that even like with them starting to judge themselves or feel like something's wrong with them how can they navigate that well I think there's a few layers here and I think it's a very good question because a lot of society both simultaneously promotes men as sexual viral beings but also shames them for being that and a lot of men tell me they're like well I feel ashamed or dirty or like a pervert or whatever so they again they are suppressing that authentic need they are taking that sexual part of them refer back to our parts work episode if you don't know what I'm talking about and they are suppressing that authentic part to the subconscious and denying it and remember I said we either meet a need directly or we manipulate to get it met an extreme example of this would be certain religions where they are taught that sex is bad or wrong or dirty and and especially telling men that they have to abstain from sex can sometimes manifest as these subconscious part playing out their sexuality in very inappropriate abusive ways perhaps with people that are not of an age to have sexual consent so that's an extreme example of not getting our needs met or suppressing or judging or creating shame within that authentic part of ourselves um a lot of men tell me that they feel that their wife makes them feel dirty or like annoyed for wanting sex and that's definitely something I've seen with women and working with men and women and couples or just in my friend circles I've heard people say things like well I'm just not going to have sex with him for the you know I'm punishing him I hav't had sex with him for four months and almost using it like a badge of honor and I'm like wait but that means you don't get to have sex for four months either that's not like that doesn't seem like a win-win here that seems like punishing him and punishing you so I would like to acknowledge that it must be very confusing messaging for men and also depending on what the cultural and religious belief that you were exposed to Growing Up and what their view of sex is so again in order to fit in we would have maybe suppressed some of our authentic expressions of sacred sexuality in order to appear like a good person and the deeper and more shadowy these desires get the more they have a chance again if we don't give that part of oursel a seat at the table and give it a chance to hold it Talking Stick it tends to do a hostile takeover from the subconscious and facilitate maybe needing to go to Pro to sex trade workers or getting angry and resentful and bitter passive aggressive um deflecting disconnected um cheating uh it could lead to any of those things excessive pornography use I have a followup question on on suppressing the the sexual needs is there a way how men listening can identify that that's something that they have been doing or like is there something that can help them to raise awareness of them actually doing it instead of they they might be going through the consequences of doing it but is there something that can help them to identify that that's something that they have been doing I think self- inquiry is great um just sort of even having the awareness to ask yourself that question is an amazing first step and I think most of us know if we're like fantasizing a lot but we don't talk about it or I have a client right now who's like I really want to give and receive more oral sex from my partner but I'm terrified to ask for it um so I think you know and it's and then we can also look at the helpful versus unhelpful things that help us that help program our sexuality in society like pornography because then there can be a layer of dopamine Addiction in sexuality or we can be needing more and more stimulation and more interesting kinky things from a place of just needing more and more stimulation for the brain which again could be helpful and authentic or it could be a coping mechanism or a dopamine addiction um and there's lots of things that you can go read about the effects and impact on your relationship of pornography addictions which are very normal and very widespread and and again if you don't know how to feel your feelings deeply but you can feel good from pornography and excessive masturbation or excessive sexual partners there's nothing shameful or bad or wrong about that it's just that it might be suboptimal to the experience of a deep connected open vulnerable mutually um um gratifying sexual sacred sexual practice is is there a way how men can deal with shame and guilt that might come with even like something that they either want to as their partner they want to experiment with or them feeling like they're a monster for for wanting certain things or just like wanting a lot of sex or thinking a lot about it like yeah other maybe the first question would be what are the main emotions that come with that and how could they navigate those emotions I think you I think you knocked it out of the park I think a lot of it is shame feeling bad um not knowing how to have that conversation and ladies this is a lot on us too we have to create a mutually safe place to talk about things that are important to us and men that means so you have to create a safe space to hold space for women to talk about their emotions without making it mean that you're a failure without judging or freaking out and and and and Ladies we have to create a safe space for men to talk about their authentic desires and what they want and um and hoping hoping that the relationship you're in has compatibility in that area um because it doesn't if you love oral sex but your partner really authentically dislikes oral sex it's not loving to say well now you have but you have to give it to me to love me that might be an unfortunate incompatibility um but maybe there's something that both of you like that you could try and again the happier your partner is and the more they feel safe seen heard and validated the more they are going to want to have intimate time with you and I think because a lot of our I know for me for sure a lot of our initial experience with sexuality is through pornography it creates this sort of distortion or delusion of what sex can be whereas in some of the Eastern um traditions where they are experiment more with tantric sexuality and use sexuality is a form of spiritual expansion and deep connection and um I think a I think when I studied tantric arts and and sacred sexuality and things like that it to me to my experience makes a lot of sense as using sexuality as a catalyst for deeper connection like anything it sex can be used as a medicine or it can be used as a drug food can be used as a medicine or food can be used as a drug pornic pornography could be you know maybe helpful for some people and maybe a fun way to express filming themselves and watching it and and exploring an authentic um voyerism Delight or it can be used as a as a mental addiction and substitution to numb pain or avoid intimacy with your partner or overstimulate your dopamine receptors so that you can't actually enjoy sex with your partner because it's not stimulating enough so again there's so many nuances here we're not just a black or white species so I like to be cautious with how I speak about things to remember that there is also these other layers we're we're somewhat complex beings with uh with what you just mentioned about using pornography as a way to avoid intimacy what are some of the reasons why men might want to avoid intimacy well fortunately we have an entire podcast series exactly about that that people can go out and listen to It's called The Magnetic masculinity blueprint um that's a great question Austra it's um it's because it's unfamiliar again we've cut off men's emotional legs in childhood and then we're like we put them in emotional based relationships so we're like what's wrong with you why can't you walk up the stairs can't walk up the stairs because we cut their legs off and I don't think it's about blaming men because women raised men for the most part um so I think it's about looking together anybody anywhere on any gender spectrum and saying how can we just support each other to feel safe to be more authentic and curious and explore ative with each other emotionally mentally physically spiritually whatever so that we create a different Paradigm and redefine what it mean to be what it means to be a man and understanding that one of the characteristics of magnetic masculinity is vulnerability and authenticity and it's probably going to be hard for you at the beginning and I honor that but it's really important it's like feel uncomfortable and do it anyways and you you mentioned that for women to feel safe they they need to have that kind of emotional piece of it what is it that men might need that you have seen in your experience is it also emotional is it something else for them to feel that okay I'm safe again there are layers of Personality there there are layers of of level of trauma there but if I was to speak generally the more able we are to be vulnerable and authentic the safer we feel and it's knowing the same as your partner wants it's knowing that when you express something like hey I feel disrespected or I feel like you don't desire me first of all it requires being honest about what you feel and creating a relationship ship with your partner where you feel seen heard understood what this looks like a lot of times is U let me think I think our relationship isn't our relationship isn't working you never want to have sex with me you never listen to me um I feel like you don't even care about me you'd rather go golfing with your buddies than stay home with me well I go out and pay the bill whatever it starts going into one of these blah blah blah dances instead of I feel this and your partner going okay let me stop everything tell me what you're feeling because how you feel matters to me let me listen to you and not become defensive or deflective or invalidating or passive aggressive or any of the coping mechanisms that we develop to avoid intimacy and again our offic episod last week could be helpful and also doing the work on your own to feel safe to stand in your truth even if other people flip out about it and don't like it it doesn't mean we invalidate them it doesn't mean that we don't want to connect other people we do but it's standing in your own truth and giving other people permission to choose if they prefer that flavor or not like instead of saying I'm totally vanilla just like you if you're not if you're strawberry you know instead you want to be like I I okay you know what I've done some exploration I'm not vanilla I am strawberry ice cream do you like strawberry ice cream and if somebody's like no I hate strawberry ice cream doesn't mean you're bad or wrong it just means that they want somebody who's vanilla and then you go out and find somebody who's like strawberry that's amazing I love strawberry this delicious it's so sweet and fruity I love the color you know so we've talked about that before too that it being authentic doesn't mean everybody is going to like you and that's okay and here kind of to continue with you started talking about that compatibility like how can men navigate if both people in relationship that want different they have different kind of wants or preferences and some of them might not be alignment with what you want to give um versus what the person wants to receive like how can they navigate that and because some people might be listening they're like oh this must be a deal breaker then um so how can they navigate those differences also keeping in mind what you said in some previous episodes about treating the other person's On's boundaries and values as important as their own it requires constant connect connecting with each other communicating and I mean let's give an example say somebody's like I want to have sex three times a day at least four days a week now the first thing you could look at is that just your authentic um preference and if so that's valid there's nothing wrong with that because you could maybe find somebody else who's like I love having sex three times a day four times a week um but everybody at some point different points in their life might have es and flows so you might have periods where you're like super sexually turned on and tuned in and times when you're stressed or tired and not as tuned in so it requires constant communication and being really honest with each other and then looking at or am I using sex as a replacement for intimacy you know what if we had a a massage night or what if we had because at the end of the day it's it's either the dopamine we're getting from the sex that that release of all the different chemicals that get released through orgasm or we're seeking connection so there can be other ways other than sex to connect it's just often men aren't aware of those or those Fe feel unfamiliar and you might have two people who are genuinely both like I like sex every two weeks or so that's perfect too there's no wrong way to feel um about that there's just again constant communication and if your partner wants far less sex than you there is things you could look at you could visit your doctor have your hormone levels checked you could also see if your partner if she's just like vacuuming floors and driving kids to school all day and um and barely talking to adults until you get home from work and then you're like why isn't she just doesn't have very high sex drive men we got to take some accountability here you got to make your woman feel like a queen you got to tell her man you look so sexy I so appreciate it must be so hard to just do these thankless tasks every day again I'm generalizing and G stereotyping I'd like to acknowledge um so there can be some accountability in that that might not be biochemical that might be situational like um how often are you communicating to her that you love her in ways that she likes to receive like we talked about in Love Languages you know what is the layer of attachment style going on there and what is it that you guys both love to do when you met each other and how many areas of your life are you applying that not only in the bedroom like when we first meet each other we're like oh my gosh you're amazing and men will hang on to every word that the woman says and everything she does you think is so adorable and cute and then you guys want to have sex all night and into the morning and and then as things go on in life you know we get responsibilities and men have the mortgage to pay and women have other the mortgage to pay or either one of them has children to raise or they're raising children together or whatever rule that they decide is is good for them and but often they expect the sexuality component to stay fresh but that also requires work and if we're not doing the other parts that we also had at the beginning like listening having conversations going on dates calling and being like you look so pretty today I was thinking about you all day at work you know I was speaking to another client last week and we mapped out what he could do to get more sex in his relationship which is working really well for him and he was like that's it and I was like that's it message me in a month if you need another if you need another session but like that's it it's most of what you need to do in a often is free and you just need to take that time and a lot of men I've dealt with a lot of infidelity um and it's something I've dealt with in my own relationships both having been cheated on and cheating myself um so it's something I've done a deep exploration into and often that is as a result of not getting needs met or other distortions or other trauma but it's looking at what is it that I'm getting from the other person that I'm not getting in my relationship and am I communicating that need in a healthy compassionate honest vulnerable way so I have another client right now who's a Serial um cheater and I don't mind that I I'll work with anybody I like I like exploring I don't judge him I like exploring why this is happening and what we discovered was that the women he was cheating with were making him feel respected and adored and admired there you know he just wanted that freshness he just wanted his wife to say you look hot like your job is sexy thank you for protecting people all day thank you you know he just wanted to be adored and admired you know and he felt like the minute he walked in the door be like oh thank God you're here can you take the diapers out and this and that which is valid her her experience is valid too but if you both want a little more of like the those needs we talked about adoration admiration appreciation you know you want to look at how much much am I filling my partner's cup um so owning that for him owning that infidelity is like hey what I really I really caused a huge betrayal wound there's almost no bigger wound to cause than that betrayal wound that betrayal and abandonment of stepping out of that um agreement in a relationship but it's owning that and saying I did that here's why I did that not as an excuse but here's what I want or need in the future so that I'm getting my needs met and that doesn't mean well I'm GNA cheat on you unless you give me five [ __ ] a week I was about I was about to ask about that that's not what it looks like men that's not what it looks like it's again it's that Mutual exploration of if she feels adored appreciated admired and safe you're not going to have to worry about having this conversation so I gave him a recipe of like message her once throughout the day and tell her you're thinking of her when she gets home ask her what she did all day listen to that and say If you think this if be honest but I'm like okay what is she doing an average today and he told me I'm like that sounds very boring do you think you'd enjoy doing that every day and he's like no I don't want to do that even for 20 minutes and I was like so maybe she needs to feel appreciated for that maybe she needs you to say let me make dinner tonight why don't you go have a hot bubble bath you know why don't you give her a massage once in a while why don't you tell her she's a queen why don't you tell her what an amazing mother she is why don't you tell her all the things you want to hear you know and then if we just be honest about what we really want and we're constantly checking in with those wants needs boundaries and values the conversation about sex becomes a lot different except of course unless there is a layer of trauma or a layer of um biochemical malfunctioning like low estrogen or low testosterone or something like that or just the natural es and flows we have in in general life which are totally valid too can you talk a bit more on that sense of or how men could deal with that sense of rejection that might come with their partner rejecting sex or not what for whatever reason but especially if has been like repetitive experience and and they keep getting that like rejection how could they navigate it or how could they deal with emotions that might come up with that well if you feel like you're deeply rejected or abandoned or disrespected it might be that your partner is in a pissy mood and might be in her own shadow parts and might be in her own um deficit of her emotional bank account but there's also a possibility that that is a core wound you have that is being triggered when your partner turns down sex because turning down sex might simply mean I'm exhausted and I don't feel like it but what men often make it mean is I'm a failure as a man I'm not attracted my partner doesn't respect me my partner doesn't love me my partner doesn't want to be close to me so we want to be accountable to what we are making it mean because if men have a huge reaction of like I can't believe you don't want to have sex with me because they make it mean that that they're not loved but really the woman doesn't mean that she might just mean I'm exhausted like I'm drained and my body doesn't feel like doing that um so there's a level of accountability again one of the tools I like for accountability is asking yourself what am I making it mean and you can say like you if you're GNA punish her for for feeling like she's rejected you you can be honest about it and say I'll say things like this to my partner and my friends I'll say I made that mean that you don't think I'm attractive is that what it means like if my partner turns down sex or something I'll I'll sometimes think about it if I start feeling crunchy about it or something about it I'll do some self- inquiry and then I'll say I made that mean that you don't think I'm attractive anymore is that what it means and he'll be like oh hell no you know what I'm like okay good I just validate that because if I feel like he is completely rejecting me or does not find me attractive or a man feels like he is being completely rejected disrespected like she doesn't desire him he's going to feel awful and when we feel awful we tend to behave in ways that are not creating the hospitable environment for our partner to feel sexually aroused with us and it might be that she might be rejecting it because she feels ugly naked or a lot of women tell me they're like couples when I when we talk about sex which I love talking about she'll tell me well I've gained like 15 pounds I've cellulite now and he likes having sex with the lights on and I think I look ugly like there could be so many reasons that your partner is rejecting you um and they probably have less to do they might have something to do with you but they might have something to do with your partner so again if we're not communicating and doing some accountability and self-inquiry and conscious communication with our partner we're just going to keep on making up assumptions and um and probably causing more disconnection in the relationship something else you can do is you could take a tantric course together or schedual intimate time and really prioritize that intimate time and whether that intimate time leads to sex or not you decide as a couple what feels delicious for you to schedule that time because especially if you're parents and you're both working and you're busy and you're tired and life happens and the dog happens and the dog throws up and the kid needs to go to soccer and and dinner needs be made it can be hard to shift gear from that to like hey I'm like this desirable god and goddess wanting to come together and create sexual Alchemy um but really scheduling that and prioritizing that and saying I we're doing it even if we don't feel like it that doesn't mean we have to do things that make us uncomfortable or make us feel unsafe if it just becomes touch and massage or whatever we decide but just both people agree that we are prioritizing that intimate time and being accountable that we are filling our our partners bucket and reminding them that they're attractive and reminding them what we like about them and whatever it is that they want to receive to feel to feel safe and adored and admired and um and yeah when I work with clients sometimes I'm like how would you feel if you came home from work and your partner was like thank you for working so hard all day I again I'm gender stereotyping I'd like to acknowledge I'm doing it for the sake of metaphorical alignment don't come for me or do that's fine too I accept you as however you are you know I made dinner for you tonight thank you for buying all these groceries thank you for paying for this organic food to nourish our family you look really hot you know if we you know and and I can men are just like what I can have that with my wife I'm like yeah is that how you treat your wife do you come home and tell her it was hard being away from you all day you're such a goddess look at you even when you're even when your hair is all scraggly and you've been looking after the kids all day there's nobody who has a nicer waste than you or there's nobody you know just the glint in your eye looks amazing God I've had a hard day you know and creating that connection creating that that Alchemy where you're both just like you know this is my king and this is my queen and we will treat each other as such and it can be delightful and fun people sometimes feel uncomfortable around my husband and I because we are constantly validating each other and appreciating each other and adoring each other and and it's just our habit so we're you know both of our buckets are always overflowing and if one of us doesn't feel like being intimate we have such a full bucket and we know that our partner loves us we know they admire us we know they appreciate us we don't have to make it mean that um that our partner doesn't care about us it just means they don't feel like having sex that day but I also take accountability if my partner if there's something that he wants I sort of file it away and I'm like okay well I don't feel like it right now but this is something I've put on my list in my mind of you know some way that I can create a fun experience with my partner and uh yeah that could be taking a tantric course it could be exploring um different types of orgasms it could be using some spiritual um connection Alchemy sexual Alchemy uh exercises and I would say there's nothing sexier than fully being in your authentic truth your confidence your alignment and having a partner who accepts you exactly as you are now part of acceptance is accepting that something things need changing so accepting each other doesn't mean oh you're getting drunk every night and abusing yourself so part of acceptance is accepting that things need changing and a mutual desire for growth always wanting to see your partner be their best but there is nothing more delicious than having that emotional deeply connected layer of intimacy and I am somebody who has used sex as both a tool as a dopamine addiction as a way to distract me from pain I've done all the things um and none of them are nearly as satisfying as creating that emotional vulnerability and intimacy with another person instead of substituting um and again whatever that looks like for each person is is different and within each couple and within each month or year could be different but just really be honest with yourself and and and I would also like to acknowledge that I've had clients who are who just are really bored sexually and they're like sex with my partner is not interesting it's not fun and so we talk about okay here's how you can make her feel more excited and spicy and and enlight you know and and embodied and and safe and fun and excited and all the things but if they have a strong religious programming that sex is bad or wrong or shameful or that sex should only be for children and that is their valid experience then that is a complicated um that is that is an unfortunate complication that we probably can't cover in this podcast and it's going to be very different to each unique couple and we don't want to ever violate somebody else's boundary sexually um and that's yeah I had a follow question here to to what you mentioned about bringing it up especially if it has been more like long-term relationship um how can men approach that conversation where they might feel like oh I already know how she going to respond or or what she going to say to to this or that um or they have these assumptions or maybe some level of fear of maybe that could bring it to things getting worse or not that they're bad but you know like how can they approach that well you actually knocked it out of the park again I I do hear that a lot well if I say something I know exactly how it's going to go she's going to do this and say this I'm like well are you approaching her the same way every time so if you know that approaching her that way doesn't work then let's try a new strategy and again I would invite them to ask themselves in what way are they giving that which they want to receive more of so if your partner feels adored or feels safe accepted adored admired appreciated and you give a safe place to communicate their feelings and their wants and their needs and they are still not open if you consciously say what it be okay if we had a conversation when would be a good time to have a conversation um I just want to tell you that I find you so attractive and I feel really close to you when we're sexually intimate is there would it be okay if we scheduled some sort of time like remember that she's going to feel rejection too she's going to feel not good enough she's going to hear she's going to make it mean that she's failing as a woman she's going to make it mean you know she's going to make it mean things too so the same as you feel defensive and shut down and and rejected remember she does too and that helps us sort of energetically approach it with more empathy which energetically the other person can feel and it is sex is a a triggering subject for a lot of people so it's okay that it might feel uncomfortable for both of you at the beginning but the alternative is again denying disowning rejecting or disidentifying from the authentic part of you that wants to explore that and if you don't find a loving conscious way to explore that you're probably going to show up being a little more of a jerk in whatever your particular flavor of coming mechanisms are and I have a last fell question to what you said about the the rejection and approaching it with the question like is this what it what you mean by that I feel like some men might be listening and they're like oh easy to say um like what are some of the barers or some of the things that are getting or could get in a way of actually asking that question because it's uncomfortable and unfamiliar and it and it opens us up and vulnerability is one of the hardest skills to learn but it's one of the most important people get really uncomfortable around me when I say things like that but I do it because I want to model a different behavior for them and they're like wait what do you mean what am I making it mean I'll say this to couples because I've worked with couples who have you know had years or decades sometimes of therapy um coaching self-help trying and and I can often break it down to like hey what am I what are you making it mean when your partner does XY or Zed it doesn't mean you still want them to do XY or Zed but again we could be taking that 40 units of pain to a 400 really quick um and if anybody has any questions about sex or sexuality or intimacy I definitely invite you to ask them this is a fun subject I have no shame about it I like talking about it I love sex I love talking about sex I've experienced and committed a lot of the different suboptimal ways of using sex so um yeah I look forward to talking to everyone next week [Music]