Gareth Edwards on Self Doubt

with all your projects like feeling so personal you have to be your big biggest champion like selling it to the studio to the audience writing it directing it so what happens when you have moments of like hesitation or doubt about your ability personally or whether the project is worth making how do you grapple with that how do you overcome thank you no cheers um I will genuinely answer that question because I think it's important and I think there's some filmmakers in the room and I I struggle with that all the time like it's the number one problem of making a film is essentially you're taking depends on the film but you're taking a lot of money and in this case millions and millions and millions of dollars from strangers promising you'll return it in two years by doing your art right and and it's and you just spend the whole time going what am I doing like I'm kidding myself you know what I mean like I it's and I I all day long every day spend the whole time thinking I'm deluded I've made a terrible mistake um and basically the graph of making a film and I'm only saying this if it helps other people who feel this way and go maybe I shouldn't be doing it because I just is is the the the graph of making a film is when you're on your own and you start fantasizing about ah you know what make a good I think we make a good film I'd like to see it it's blah blah blah blah and you start picturing this film you you it gets better and better you listen to music you not necessarily write it but you just conceive it and it just goes Higher and Higher and Higher and basically in pre-production the graph goes up to like the level of a masterpiece like in your head you're like I think we're going to make the greatest film ever made right else else you wouldn't bother right you've got to aim really crazy high it's so stressful and there so much of Blood Sweat and Tears so you aim crazy high you go I think it might be really really good and then you start making it and one day at a time it gets worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and you're like this is not how I pictured it it's all going wrong and by the end of the shoot the lowest point on that graph is the day they show you the assembly so basically the day the editor has put something together without a single conversation and just kind of shows you all the material and I always start off that screening by explaining if I don't commit suicide by the time the credits roll that is a win right like and I mean it like I am going to want to kill myself and it's nothing to do with the editor or anything it's literally the realization of oh my God I didn't get anything the way I thought I had it and then and then as you edit it gets a little better the next day you cut all that out that was terrible and a little better a little better and over the whole process of editing it right goes up and up and up and up a great film is when it goes up and up and up and it reaches a similar level a dotted line if you could draw that rul to where you first were right I've never done that right I've never got to that place but oh you're GNA beam up I'm out of here and and um and but it is you you get hopefully get to a point where you know you saying that very kind thing you said at the start of that even though that's one person in the world I don't care one person in the world likes the movie and so I'm like that's a win for me and it's things like that that make you go okay maybe we didn't completely waste our time do you know what I mean and and as crazy as that sounds you should spend the whole time just I do do you like paranoid that you're like you're just imposter yeah I mean for me it's like this was my first big Studio film so I spent every day being like I I I don't know why I'm here like like Greg and Gareth are nuts for for agreeing to bring me halfway around the world as if I know what I'm doing and um and then you just that stays in your head that's a thought that you put in a little box and then you put it in a the the the drawer of you know file filing cabinet of your brain and you shove it shut and you kick it and you block it and then uh and then you show up to set fell out again Qui get it back exactly and the next day it falls it falls out again you're like stubborn thought like get back in there I'm trying to make a movie here um but yeah I don't have any of those thoughts no James just rolls in just I'm the these designs are great thing every time but J but look to explain this is true and I feel I agree with you right because because James lives in the high point of the grass I'm this is when you're conceiving the film and it's getting higher that's when you first talk to someone like a designer right concept artist or a production designer when it's like in the like oh my God it's going to be amazing that's when you start painting pictures and it looks incredible and everyone's super excited and then James go see you well not this is not what happened in our film but typically on a production designer goes away a little bit and you don't see them you're busy making the film and you we reunited and this is a very unique thing is that in post production usually the production has gone at the end of the shoot James stayed on all through post um with industrial Light of magic doing all the visual effects and all the other vendors as well painting over everything it's basically everything that looks good in this film is because James painted it that way and and so a team of people they're not they have names they're not here they're not going to know just take the credit okay oh this is going on the oh never mind they're going to know um so so essentially James lives at the end as well as it gets better and better so you're like you got you're kind of a hero I'll take it I'll take it yeah very good I don't feel those dips but yeah I can see the darkness but but but but also one thing one thing I'll add is that on set um on set I don't feel it from Garrett like Gareth shows up and I feel oh look this this guy's confidently making the movie making all these shot choices designing the shots like knows what he wants as a DP like working with a director like that is that's the Dream It's to have somebody who just knows what they want it feels so basic to say it but there's a lot of people that don't even hit that bar um and that has taste but we're talking about somebody that has a track record if it was Monsters I'd be like who the is this guy totally like with no money doing this but I'm sorry guys it's Gareth Edwards like I I had a certain amount of faith that the movie was gonna be something well and I think that the thing is is is on set it doesn't show so you know you show up and you you just make the movie like and it was the same for me it's like you get up you you you you show up even with those thoughts and even with doubt you're like but but I need to make the movie and I need to make this good and I need to make sure this shot looks good and that this lighting setup is good and it's like all those thoughts the doubt and all of it is like it's it's always there but It ultimately doesn't really matter because what matters at least for from for me in the cinematography side is like but I'm sure it's the same with the directing it's what you're talking about with the edit what matters is what's in the final movie is where does it end up and so it's like you just need to put those thoughts in in the box and take a one thing to clarify which is the schizophrenia of it is is so don't this is where it just sounds like a contradiction and it's hard to say this could be in a room and people are recording it and it ends up on the internet and I don't think anything I've done is any good ever but there is part of your brain that goes this is going to be great and I can do this I was born to do this like and I I will do this and die in the attempt and then the second you start doing it like it's I have this strange thing where I'm so confident in my own head like I'm really Ultra confident but the second it comes out of my head and I tell someone the idea or I film and show someone it I'm like oh my God this is you know what I mean like and I'm apologizing I wish I'd never done it but inside it's amazing and and so there is this real big contradiction of like it's not like you just constantly down yourself inside my head I'm not at all but then I S it's a really weird complete kind of roller Co scarce English and that's an English trait is just not have that outward confidence I think even though it's in your head let's blame Britain for everything that's a good note to end