welcome back to after midnight we all have guilty pleasures like chocolate reality TV or ASMR Tik Tok [Music] videos it's not mine I've never seen that don't don't look at me over my search history now it's your turn to defend your guiltiest pleasure in our next game innocent or guilty pleas [Music] pleasure before the show I asked each of you for your guilty pleasure and told you it wasn't for TV but it was sorry damn each of you will rotate being the defendant prosecution and judge if you're the defendant you'll defend your guilty pleasure for the court the prosecution will cross-examine you and the judge will decide if you deserve to be punished for your guilty pleasure first up is Joe oh okay you're defending your guilty pleasure to district attorney Oswalt and judge Cruz beside your fate okay that's good order order Joe your guilty pleasure is dog chiropractors Joe please please make your case look at this look of of joy and Elation after been adjusted it's it's that that that crack it's it's it's cathartic and I can't get enough of it it's it's delicious and my algorithm is completely now because of it da Oswalt any questions Joe tells a pretty story but if I may what he likes to paint as a portrait of relaxation of transcendence of happiness is actually a face of Terror oh I submit to you that these canines are being being taken on a hell ride of shock and awe thank you well it's judgment time judge Cruz is Joe guilty or innocent for enjoying dog chiropractors if guilty what's his sentence well looking at the evidence I could see that Patton has no idea what he's talking about because that is clearly a look of relief on that precious dog's face I say Joe is innocent of all completely innocent don't no wow I mean that scene was Oscar bait that was incredible next up is Patton you're defending your guilty pleasure to district attorney Cruz and judge meano order Order in the Court Patton you'll be defending the guilty pleasure of crossword puzzles Pat please make your case uh yes life is complicated things rarely make sense things rarely fit where they are supposed to except in crossword puzzles this is my one place where the joy of fairness and logic hold Sway and I can spread that Joy to the rest of the world thank you it's compelling da Cruz any questions spoken like a true narcissist first of all this banal activity does nothing for the world B only this ban sorry I'm sorry I'm going to use the biggest words I can think of and I'm going to them wrong but please this has no judgment on the case the fact is that this Bal activity has no good use for the world if Albert Einstein had been working on crossword this this crossw excuse me cross word puzzles we would have never ever ever discovered the theory of relativity ever he would have been this first of all this is so useless and it's m in [Applause] nature no more masturbation of the crosswords I rest my case wow did I did I say it right did I say masturbatory right yes you said masturbatory correctly order order order big word yeah okay I think it's I think it's judgment time da come back over here here please oh yes yeah da Cruz yes I've heard both sides Mr Cruz you speak of masturbation and I see before me a grid it is to be filled out with pencils and I see before me a man who has no shortage of lead in his pencil therefore I am ruling in favor of Mr Oswald you are Ed my friend yes and vanal is also the answer to 20 across oh my god there you have it what justice has been served finally we have Terry [Applause] Terry you'll be defending your guilty pleasure of dumbbells Terry please make your case I want to say these arms don't come lightly okay you have to earn them and I even brought one with me that matches my outfit I am here to tell you it is the perfect piece of exercise equipment because first of all you don't have to get the big big heavy ones you can get a little one like this and just keep doing it over and over again and you will see results as if you had one big one let me tell you if Albert Einstein I want to bring this up again Albert Einstein I heard this is a fact he picked up a dumbbell in the Caltech gym wait room and discovered gravity it all came to him the theory of relativity how gravity and time were related Mr Cruz Mr Cruz may I examine the barbell yes you may yes you may hang on gravity is affecting it yes it is I tell you there has never ever been invented a better piece of exercise equipment that exercises your mind as well as your body I rest my cas da magello any questions I have a lot of questions we could sit here and debate how swole Albert Einstein was but one thing we cannot debate is that dumbbells take up a lot of space and I ask you Mr Cruz have you ever gone to the gym and seen all of the dumbbells in a Los Angeles gym put in the right place on the rack I ask you and the jury wouldn't it just be easier to have a machine oh oh no no it would no not at all pretty pretty good rebuttal pretty good rebuttal there all right judgement time Joe you can come back over here for a sentence saying I rest my case judge Oswalt is Mr Cruz guilty or innocent this is one of the most difficult cases that's come across my courtroom your accusations were both well-founded and passionate Mr Cruz your defense was multi-disciplinary brilliant and to the point but I hate jocks guilty great job everyone we're submitting this tape to CBS for their next long running legal drama so clear your schedule we come back War the Never Ends # War stick around the winner of yesterday's hashtag Wars comes from Instagram user amusing pseudonym that was delightful