CANCER SURVIVOR! Ep.125 RYAN MITCHELL

okay yo yo say something yo yo there you go dang okay the volume is are looking good okay okay okay you ready I'm ready man 100% 100% all the way 110 man okay um Ryan Mitchell yes sir the infamous how are you brother good man it's just I'm just stoked to see you it's been it's been a minute we had a good conversation be be before this episode I feel like you know bro you've been you know I told you this before but you've been through so much and uh I want the world and the people you know the audience to see what real perseverance it's like you know it's easy well I told you bro it's easy to go through life uh being healthy it's easy to go through life when everything is good but life when [ __ ] happens like to you you know um you survived cancer that's a big [ __ ] right there you know yeah that wasn't very cool and that's when life gets really hard that's when it really tests you like who you really are as a human being yeah when you go through those things that you know I'm pretty sure 99.9 of people in the world wouldn't want to go to that man man the point one do hell's wrong with them man bro tripping you know I I I um right I didn't get that at first I was like what are you talking about oh yeah I threw math at you I got to stick with your strengths man that's my bad that's not me no BR I Su to I used to go to sleep in math class it was bad oh I know I heard the stories man okay chill bro no but so uh I want to start with how did it all happen because I remember I came back to play soccer in Utah and I think was that when you told me I think so right yeah and I was like [ __ ] dude I only reached out to a few people and then you know it's kind of word spread or whatever but yeah I think it was about then was it hard to get prepared for that so yeah man so the way I found it or whatever found out I was actually watching TV I was laying down had my shirt off and I was like this and the girl I was dating at the time she's like what is that in your armpit and I said I don't know so I looked and I was like oh my God you know so I'm like go get something sharp let's Lance it and see what happens she's like dumb ass you're going so yeah so I went to the doctor and yeah man it was like one day I was healthy and a few days later you know so they dude I had to go through like I had to get a mammogram cuz it was right here oh my God and I was just thinking man those poor ladies I mean they they they treat my your boob like it stole something from you know it's ridiculous but yeah so I went through all the you know and they took biopsies and all that [ __ ] and then um then they did a scan it was fun they brought me well first they called and said yeah we're sorry to have to tell you you have lymphoma um hot skins lymphoma or whatever and I I was actually at work like it was like a few days before school was supposed to start yeah so you know we have to go do our teacher thing um and they called me there and I was like damn so yeah I mean it's like the hardest thing the biggest the biggest challenge for me was figuring out how to tell Isaiah you know I mean he was seven yeah he was he was a baby bro so or eight I guess it was three years ago so um fortunately my wife's a badass person you know and she's like she's like I'm going to you know cuz I called her I'm like what do I do you know um so she came over and and helped me break it to him and she would like she made it sound like yeah man nothing can happen to your daddy kiding me you know wow I mean that was that was pre-cancer Ryan I was 30 lbs heavier I was you know confident you know and all that yeah so you know and Isaiah you know he looks at me like you know I'm some kind of superhero the trip but yeah so I told him and that was that was the hardest I mean everyone else you know people were obviously super cool and I mean that was the coolest part man I saw soccer players from up to 30 years ago stopping by you know that was freaking you came by that was awesome man so um anyway yeah the beginning you can't I don't know man I don't know how you prepare for it yeah you know what I mean I read about it a little bit oh you you read about it wow so you read books about dude I'm a nerd man if I if I see if I see someone I don't know enough about it like like one the first when I went and saw Titanic yeah dude I came home and read for like a week man I KN I do it too I'm a [ __ ] nerd oh can I see that yeah you can we can [ __ ] swear it's all good um but yeah so I yeah I read about it and then uh talked to um I don't know if you knew did you know Daniel cavar the coach um no not sure so he he coached with me club and now he's the he's a director down for Al albian in San Diego really and they moved to San Diego cuz his wife's had lymphoma for like a long time wow so you know he kind of prepared me you know and people I knew a couple people been through chemo so they're like yeah this is going to happen that's going to happen you know but you can say it all you want man but it's like yeah once it started it was it sucked man bro I remember you know having that conversation when I came over and it was just um as a friend it's hard to hear that cuz you never believe that's going to happen to your friend yeah you know you're like holy [ __ ] and you know you are a big part of my uh growing up of my youth you know you were probably one of the best coaches I've had bro thanks man I appreciate that you know and as a friend too like you were always good energy Good Vibes that's what was hard for me to see you like that cuz I was like [ __ ] that's the homie you know that's my friend like yeah you know was such a good energy you've always carried and that's why I felt like because it takes a lot from you you know really hard situations like that take a lot so in order to go through that you need to have a bunch of confidence and a very vibrant and I knew you were going to get through it because you already had that I knew it was going to get you down but when you have that much in your uh you know in your chamber and yeah I went into it like man badass yeah let's [ __ ] start this man let's go you know and I like I had to get a a bone marrow uh uh they had to test my bone marrow yeah so they they they drill into your hip and then they pull out a little cylindrical piece I said cylindrical a little piece of your bone you know oh dude so I had a um a soccer mom coached a couple of her kids she took me and we're driving and she's like I found out it was her birthday and I'm like oh man I feel like a dick and and her daughter was like a freshman in high school and they had a socer game that day yeah and she was going to miss it and I'm like [ __ ] so when I got there you know and there stuck an ivy uh thing and I'm like wait and she had gone in the bathroom I'm like can you do cuz I was going to the reason I was going to have to be there so long is waking up from being you know sedated yeah so I'm like can you can you do this without can people do it without she's like I suppose they could I've never seen like let's go let's go oh my God badass mode H and the first two things they pulled out broke so they had to do it three times and at the end of she's wav like this you know like about passed out oh my God see I went into it thinking man it's nothing whatever but yeah it it humbles you man tell you that what do you think the hardest thing about cancer is I don't know man like honestly I think I I I was two years in remission a couple days ago and those two years I think in a lot of ways have been harder like the physical part I mean you know we're athletes man you play with pain you know and I I said I'm going to any anything I'm feeling anything I'm going through is going to behind be behind closed doors you know and Isaiah is never going to see me acting like I hurt wow you know so that part especially for him man I wasn't you know I mean dude I should have want to [ __ ] Oscar man like I'd be out here like you know we're playing Shoots and Ladders and [ __ ] and I'm you know and and I'm like in just crazy pain I like I got to go bathroom buddy I just go in there just like Brea pull the [ __ ] together all right man whose turn is it you know so that part I don't know I'm I'm I don't know I'm pretty whooped on my kids man so you know so mentally was the hardest thing oh [ __ ] yeah I mean the physical parts but again the physical parts since I finished chemo way worse man all these you know side effects from the chemo from the drugs I mean being a soccer coach with neuropathy in your feet dude it's like [ __ ] it sucks man and then you know the nerves dying and my muscles dying and you know I look like Al schwitz Ryan you know what I'm saying no so and then that plays you know that messes with your brain too you know cuz you feel like I'm falling apart man bro it I mean you know you were Captain America you know you're the biggest guy with knew tattoos I was like the [ __ ] guy a bodybuilder you proba remember man I remember the first few practi say you were like dude I want to look like you that's the first thing you said to me you're like 13 I want got you well you were I remember I was little you know and I was like I just want to be bigger you know and uh they told us an ODP like you just need to start doing weights and I was like [ __ ] who do I know that that's weights oh yeah right you know so it's it's another especially when you're a kid you see someone that's that big you're like oh [ __ ] there's such thing as a bodybuilder we were all we all thought you were a bodybuilder I just was fighting old age man that was it yeah but I mean I think it's true the hardest thing is mentally just because you know especially someone like you bro that's you know we just had a conversation and you've been tore down a little bit mentally and I'm like holy [ __ ] like that's got to be tough but the biggest thing I uh for that I got from our conversation was that you said you're not confident anymore or you're not strong and I'm like bro you are the strongest person to go through all of that cuz we spoke about you know when you're healthy when you're confident when you when you're young anybody can be that person anybody can switch with the body and be like [ __ ] yeah this is cool you know I get girls because I'm buff as [ __ ] but you put anybody in your conscience right now they'll probably [ __ ] pass out they wouldn't de they wouldn't be able to deal with everything you've been through bro so you think you're not strong but actually you're the strongest because you needed so much just to deal with all the [ __ ] you're going so you know what I I had a hard time like my I was talking to um my sister like early on and she was saying all that and I'm like i' just been scrolling and reading some news stuff you know and I'm like so many people have it worse man yeah exactly and so so I would actually feel guilt so I just I kept it in you know and like like Heather and you know a couple other I mean most people didn't have a clue you know and that's how I wanted it so you know I did I did it well but yeah Isaiah that was and I was stupid so like one day when I was when you go like when you go bald I'm talking about like [ __ ] eyelashes eyebrows and I was still teaching at the beginning you know and I'd be sitting in front of the class like this and go like that I'm like basically shaving right there you know oh my God bro so but yeah I got I got bald so one day I covered up all the mirrors in the house with like sheets and blankets and stuff Isaiah came home was like Daddy why is there why are the mirrors all covered you know and I'm like dude I hate how I look right now I look like an alien and he goes daddy you're beautiful and I was like man who are you I like the coolest kid in hisory amazing bro well it it's you know I feel like if going through what you went through if you if you didn't have that energy around you especially with your son and your ex-wife yeah it would have been so [ __ ] tough yeah no that was my support man and her husband's real cool to me wow and that little like if if you ever see me posting pictures with a little girl I wish she was mine but that's my ex-wife and her husband and she's like my homie man wow Heather came over to pick up Isaiah today and we're sitting here she walks saying got to peed the fish she every day she comes over man she feeds that fish so that's her that's her thing man she's so cute bro I I mean so yeah having them CU I don't have any family that lives in Utah you know so oh damn so yeah it's just that's your family right there I mean you know I was my dad always told me that when you find somebody and you have kids that's your family like yes you know parents are amazing but you create something new and that's that's it that that's front front row you know no it's awesome we can still you know cuz I think you know well losing Gabriel you know that kind of yeah we're kind of connected through that I mean that I think people you know a lot of I you know people who are listening probably you know they don't know some people don't know that you already went through really hard [ __ ] before the cancer yeah that was way harder than cancer man bro losing you know I feel like nobody's ready for that nobody's ready for birthday is tomorrow huh Gabriel's birthday is tomorrow really yeah dang bro we go up to cemetery and we've always let like written on balloons and let them go up to heaven you know but Heather read that the wildlife's eating those balloons and dying so now we can't do that anymore so yeah but I I mean do you think going through that helped you for the cancer experience I mean like mentally I mean yeah I mean my heart's still kind of callous sometimes you know from where I mean he left a hold that doesn't get filled you know but um I mean and you know just Athletics dude I mean that's how I approached it yeah it's like you know was me versus cancer you know you you got win you got win I mean do what you got to win so um I think having having Gabriel with me absolutely I remember like someone told me I I was having a real hard time beginning one night God I can't remember who told me but they they said they said draw on the people that that are you know already past you know draw on them they they'll they'll be there they'll support you and I was like wow you know I've never so I sat I was sitting right here now so I have Gabriel and then one of my best friends growing up uh her name was Terry Lynn she died of breast cancer like 10 years ago and I just started talking to him and I swear to God I could feel Gabriel sitting right next to me man like I you it was a trip and I just sat there and cried like you know and I that was I don't think I've ever told anyone that damn that's that's an amazing amazing advice bro I yeah I didn't you know you know people say you know pray and this and that but I mean I just sat here and talked directly to those too yeah you know and I could hear she had this really distinct hilarious laugh and I could just hear that in my head but yeah Gabriel was right there man like he it was so yeah having him in my corner [ __ ] wow between him and Isaiah and Jesse I wonder if sometimes you know they leave early so they could help you cuz you know God knew what you were going to go through God I hope not man cuz that means him dying's my fault [ __ ] [ __ ] I feel like a dick no I know what you're saying I know you're saying and I mean I know he was there for me yeah I mean and that was that was a huge part of it so yeah I I mean he was there for a reason I mean you know what do you think why do you think you beat cancer see what see that's another thing I when people say that I'm like I didn't beat cancer man I sat in a chair every two weeks they pumped me full of poison and the medicine but sometimes I'll allow myself a little bit Grace and I I think Isaiah is why I beat cancer man your son him and I are tight and yeah man how important do you think it is to have somebody to live for and I don't mean I keep I I have an older daughter too you know yeah that's married and I mean to keep leaving her out of the conversation it's just to me it felt like you know she's married you know you want to be a burden yeah yeah but get I I feel like Isaiah still has too much to um I don't know get from me or learn or whatever you know well you can still be you know you can still be the superhero and a superheroes don't die in the movies yeah you know you can't be dying right come on bro he needs you know and but how do you how important do you think somebody how important do you think having somebody to live for is everything to me I mean if I didn't have that I wouldn't have given a [ __ ] you know like I mean not you still have the comp competitive mindset I still would have wanted to beat it but I would have wanted to but this time like with him I needed to it was like cuz there's I bet there's those days where you're just like [ __ ] like [ __ ] this [ __ ] right yeah I mean I experienced P like so I had to I had to push back a couple chemos because my my white cell count was literally zero so I I would just get super sick you know like super high fever or whatever so I had to go in the night before chemo and they give you a shot and it's supposed to help your bone marrow you know and so they told me yeah you'll experience bone pain and I'm like so I thought I've been kicked man I I know what com pain is no man it's like it's like you're made of glass man it was like it was awful but BR I don't know see that's why I don't talk about I feel like I'm just sitting here whining so no I mean bro like it's okay for you to wh you have [ __ ] cancer like it's all right you know but do do they do you know why it happened is there a reason man it just happened no no one in my family's ever had it really no it's just no oh my God that's crazy nobody in your family had it because a lot of a lot of us we we heard a myth that it's like oh if none of your family had it then you won't have it yeah man I mean now they don't they don't really know why I mean you think it's because of how you know Society is going with the food and I'm sure that I mean [ __ ] look at I think uh well yeah cancer rates G a [ __ ] ton and yeah I mean wow it's absolutely I mean you know you know you know what's scary bro I I heard this thing where they say that the worst thing that ever happened to us was the pursuit of happiness and I had to think about it really hard I like what the [ __ ] what do you mean and then they explain how the people that just want to be happy sometimes that happiness means money see that's what I was going to say is I think I don't think it's a Pursuit of Happiness I think it's confusion about what happiness is exactly so but the pursuit of happiness is what they are following right that's why they think they're fallowing exactly so and and happiness is so custom it's so different for everybody yeah because again happiness is just an overdose of dopamine what we feel like I feel like real happiness is peace right but the problem is that those people are pursuing happiness it means and their happiness means stallers it means Powers it means success so they have the food chain right and they need to cut it down they need to get all those n neutrons and all those things they need to take them out so they could make a profit y so they will [ __ ] you over [ __ ] you over just because they need to be successful and they need that second Mansion so they'll do whatever it takes they're probably happy I don't know but in the expense of what but they but yeah but do they feel peace oh how do you screw people over feel peace man oh you don't I I know for a fact they don't no so I don't know see man be broke and happy like me know what I'm [Music] saying I don't I think you can still be happy with money though you know what I mean I think it you know the mindset that Society has told us is uh um when you have money you you're G to be unhappy you know and if you don't have money you're going to be we it's an IND visuals thing you know what my brother and I when we were in college it was back in you know Jordan was still pretty pretty young yeah we wrote a letter to him and addressed it to the to the Bulls you we found the address and [ __ ] yeah and said we were doing a study to see if we're in college we're doing a study to see if if money can make you happy and would he could he donate a million dollars to our study we never heard back from him though yeah I feel like he he probably no no no I don't want [ __ ] you it's weird bro because for me I'm on my happiest and I'm more and I'm I'm on my happiest and I my most peace when I have money why because Security man security exactly because I'm already a happy person I don't need money to be happy it's just what makes me I feel like the source of uh uh how do you say it not having money is what makes me unhappy because all the [ __ ] that makes me unhappy comes when there's no money M you know and that's the bills that's stress stress anxiety all that [ __ ] all like if if I've always say you know people are like oh money isn't everything okay but when your mom is dying tell you what and you need some money for chemo is like [ __ ] oh yeah man that's when money is [ __ ] for chemo what a horrible trade that's [ __ ] up God damn it dude I don't know if I don't know if I've ever told you but when I first moved to Utah I I was homeless like literally really like cuz I just moved here so Jesse was just a little girl and her mom got married and I didn't know that and moved here and I was playing still uhuh professionally and I and I couldn't stand being away from her so I just threw as much stuff as I could get in my car and I tell my girlfriend do you want to come to Utah she's like no and I'm like I I I was just whooped on on my daughter so I moved I I drove out here and yeah I didn't know anybody man so yeah my first little bit I slept in Murray Park for a minute and then and then my dad's like you got a cousin going to U ofu so I got a hold of her and crashed on her couch but I so yeah I have not having money that wasn't very cool at all so and and the difference between Ray and Jesse with you know nothing so now you know I've worked my ass off and I got what I got you know and isah you know get spoiled cuz he's a good boy so yeah it's a lot different yeah bro I mean money really does again helps with the [ __ ] that makes it brings unhappiness that's what I always say it's like as long as I it's so hard to speak about the topic because it's like some people you know I have a lot of money and I'm still [ __ ] stressed like yes I'm happy but what I've learned is that again because I'm already a happy person when I'm when stress come it's like oh yeah deal with that here money deal with that I'm happy deal with it you know it's but when you're broke and those same problems come to you oh yeah they amplify bro they become like a hundred times worse and you're like [ __ ] why am I do I feel like I'm dying it's like no no it's okay like you just don't have the money yet yeah but you're right man it's not it's peace man yes so you can find peace with a little bit of money or a lot of money but you know what I mean it's easier when you have ility do you think what do you think if you could go back to when you first heard you have cancer right yeah if you could go back and talk to that person back then three years ago why would you tell them it's going to be a lot harder than you think man you better humble yourself pretty quick or it's going to do it for you I mean it was a the first the first round just kicked my ass man I remember that bro you you would uh be sometimes posting about it and you just l dead and I was like [ __ ] yeah that was horrible man but so I I yeah I just said just get ready man I mean there there's nothing I could have really said to make it any easier make sure you have lots of Gatorade I lived on that [ __ ] man that was about it decater yeah man I always dehydrated cuz like sick all the time you know yeah so I mean bro it's so hard cuz cancer is something that you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy I feel like no and you know bro I'm not going to lie like you didn't seeing you like helped me like like [ __ ] you should eat better bro like hey you shouldn't go to sleep that late but again you just never know like it could be the wrong mix of [ __ ] and then you do it enough and I'm like [ __ ] it happened I have no idea man I don't I don't know what I was doing I mean I felt healthy I've been losing weight but it's like you know the high school season just ended tryy outs you know and then you know just stress man I don't have time to eat I'm coaching all the time but so yeah it was kind of I mean stress the last thing you think you're going to hear is say you know you have cancer [ __ ] yeah bro I and then they brought me in after they did the scan they're like he everything that's green is cancer I'm like I look like a Christmas tree man [ __ ] I mean it's it's crazy how do you how do you think cancer changed your life it's changed it like complet I'm a and I'm you know I'm battling but I'm I'm a completely different version like I said you know like yeah I'm for a long time I I described I I felt like just a shadow of myself man I was like so it's you know it humbled me to the point where I'm not humble man I I I need to find that you know that confidence but so I think that's the hardest thing is just kind of mentally and emotionally but you know the physical things people deal with worse you know but you know the neuropathy blows and you know losing all the muscle and nerve [ __ ] you know and all that but what was there I any point that you believe like I'm not going to get through this [ __ ] no really the whole time you were confident no I just I [Music] mean yeah wow I'm telling you bro I I I believe you don't think that it's this amazing thing but [ __ ] dude like just seeing you and hearing about it I'm like God damn like I would never ever Mill in a million years want to go to that so it's like it's crazy that you went through that you know it really is yeah insane I mean I yeah I it's just yeah something can never be prepared for you know yeah but I yeah man and the doctor's like you know I was like how I can't I believe I didn't feel that he's like your lats are sticking out so far your arms don't go down all the way you know when did you start noticing a big difference after you started a chemo I mean literally the the first one because I didn't know what the hell was going on and I didn't prepare right for it like cuz that [ __ ] turns you into like just a mess you know and they give you these really heavy um anti like so you don't throw up you know but that that just screws y all up inside so the first 5 days man but I'd say other than the first one kind of right in the middle you know cuz you're like I've been doing it forever but I still have this much more to go you know but I mean it was always the same so I I did every Friday and day day one you know you're not too bad you kind of maybe throw up a couple times but it's not so bad day two through about six really just suck and then about 7 through 10 you start feeling a little better and then by the time you're like I feel good oh I got chemo tomorrow sweet but when was the time when you felt better though like where it's like oh [ __ ] okay I can feel like this I can see the light at the end of the tunnel type thing so after I finish the last one um and they make you wait about they make you wait a couple months before they do a scan to get all the [ __ ] out of you you know yeah um by the time I went in for my scan I was like you know my hair was growing back a little bit and I told Isaiah I said man if my hair ever comes back I'm never cutting it dude I haven't cut it I haven't cut it one time man so that's why that's why I'm rocking the yeah but um sh what was I saying it happens a lot oh I I guess I guess yeah by then I knew I felt okay and I felt really okay when they said yeah you don't need any more chemo you know but they there was a couple small spots in so I did radiation for like a month that shit's easy that's okay yeah so if if you had to if you had to rate chemo from 1 to 10 how hard is it it's a solid nine man I mean I it's yeah the only thing that's ever hurt me worse is when Gabriel died I've never felt pain like like I I've never dude and I've you know I've had both ACLS you know I've had eight knee surgeries my shoulder both elbows my neck God I mean I I've beat myself up good but it's like yeah it doesn't feel good bro that I'm telling you cuz it it's it's the mix of mentally and physical yeah that was because you start to feel like like I like me I felt like I was like starting to lose myself you know like and that's kind of still I mean it's a process still a little bit but but do you think mentally from when it was over to now it's like [ __ ] i' I've made some uh advancement um in some ways yeah yeah yeah I mean cuz I had lost almost 60 lbs I got I got about half of it back and you know it hurts to go to the gym and and you know my like I was telling my left arm doesn't work great anymore but I do it for mental as much as anything else you know yeah um but as far as like mentally and emotionally I'm still you know it's work in progress have the have the doctors say that have you talked to the doctors if you're ever going to feel like good cuz you know you say you've been through a lot of pain it's like [ __ ] finally is there going to be a point where you feel I don't think the neuropathy in my feet is never going to go away or my hand uh what's neuropathy neuropathy is like neurop yeah nerve damage and it oh it's like you smack your um funny bone real hard you know yeah it's all over in your feet all the time [ __ ] way bro oh my God awesome oh that's [ __ ] up because when it does happen you do kind of feel like high for a little bit for like 2 seconds you're like no just walking around that's I always either I have slippers or something walking barefoot feels like I'm walking on gravel so Oho it's [ __ ] up because you know I don't go through that but I just imagine like how how hard it is or how much it hurts yeah you know oh my God bro I mean there's worse pain dude I mean it's is what it is man everyone's living with something you know that's what I telling Isaiah the other day like if you you know if you really if you didn't know me and you walk by would you think I was like you know really struggling for a while you know would you know that about me and he's like no and I was like that's why you're kind to everyone all the time wow bro cuz you don't know who's going through what you know what I mean yeah we're all battling through something yeah so that's what I'm saying I don't I don't talk about it m much I don't you know other than my mom no one else knows how bad I'm hurt you know she hears about it once in a while but and that's why I'm grateful you would even take your time to talk to me bro because I know how shut up man my homie no but just to talk about the the subject because I know how hard it is n it's cool I mean it's probably it's probably therapeutic in some way yeah you got to be able to see yourself in a year and be like okay I was pretty bad back then I'm good now no but I I think you know you're somebody I looked up you know I look up to when it comes to mental side bro because I always say I want to be around the people who've been through the worst thing so they can humble me you know I want to be around that energy because you know sometimes you feel like you're the [ __ ] and then you're like nah bro it's is not life is not supposed to be just for me it means so much more it means helping others it means being out there and trying to experience things and help people out yeah man I get like we're talking a little bit about politics I get like like it stresses me out sometime I get like Angry you know and then I started thinking you know what can I really do and I decided this been years I decided the only thing I can do is raise a good boy you know what I'm saying so like we were driving through Daybreak last fall and I saw an old man out raking his leaves and I pulled over and said let's go help him dude he said I he's like why and I said because it's the right thing to do he's like and he goes like okay he jumps out dude kid is so cool bro that's you just said one of the best things you can do in life teach people how to be good people well I mean your kids I mean he's my responsibility but you know how life is bro there's people who don't give a [ __ ] oh I know they're just like grow up and it's like what you know but I think you know this generation and even yours it's like we've been blessed with understanding that it's not all about like if we don't fix ourselves and we don't teach our kids they're GNA have to fix ourselves from us you know so it's like teaching and you've been a teacher for so long with you being a an amazing soccer coach you know and and let's let's touch on that bro because I feel like you know uh being a a professor you know a teacher yeah it's one of your life's best attributes it's I've never seen you happier than in a soccer field bro yeah man and that's how I approach it as as a teacher you know you know I'm not I'm not a screamer at my kids referees maybe but you know I I I that's how I approach it you know and I freaking love doing it so yeah well and that's the coolest thing that like you said I met you when I was only 13 you know and being able to see somebody who would just um you were never a coach like that where it was just like I got no it was like good like hey if you need to talk to some about something it's like hey let's talk about it let's have a conversation and uh I think that's a big attribute to have as a teacher as a coach yeah I mean I think I'm not a lot good at a lot of things but I I'm good at that and I think my kids will tell you the kids I've coached they'll tell you that they know that I you know I love them man like and Heather you know she'll test of that too she's heard it all you know she was with me a long time as a when I was coaching so um it's it's what makes me happy man you know what do you think the coolest thing about being a soccer coach is just the relationships you know I mean I've been to so many you know weddings and Miss whatever they are farewells and whatever you know it's like and then you know they come by and then you know people heard I was sick and dude I I had dinner every night for like a year and a half man just people bringing me you know and yeah the relationships man like you know I could sit here and name off you know tournaments I've won as you know a coach and things doesn't mean [ __ ] and no one remembers you know but the kids remember that you know with me as their coach they always had someone in the corner for sure you know so yeah the community you build around soccer bro it's it's a beautiful thing M you know I have friends from back then where I'm like holy [ __ ] I've seen their life go 360 and 180 and it just goes back to the same place and it's like you know seeing everybody grow up and have kids and I'm not there yet that's a trip watching like Peter oh see has two kids now like what the heck dude you can't be a kid and have kids man it's messed up I'm like it's so crazy you know his kids are beautiful his wife is amazing so it's just like it's crazy to me I always tell him like dang bro this one of the one the things that you beating me at like yeah he's killing it man it's fun for me like I was saying earlier I still in touch with like majority of your team man that was a long time ago and it's just cool watching them you know well bro I I I you know I've always been honest and my best time in my life like some of the best best times I ever had was in a soccer field oh yeah you know and and a lot of times I hated myself for a while bro I hated myself for a while it was like bro you let go of what the coolest thing you could ever do and just to put on some boots and kick a ball around to and get paid for that yeah like I let go of that and I hated myself bro I you can ask I had conversations with my girl and I was like I couldn't find myself at all I was lost no I remember you you talked to me not long after came home and and and weren't going to play anymore and I remember I talked to you right after and I was like dude are you sure man that was only like 20 something yeah you're like no this is the right thing and then and I remember a conversation you know a while after that where you sounded I've never heard you sound down man that was a trip for me so but it it it was just I think what it was bro it was that again I thought happiness was money you know when I had happiness right there yep in front of me and I and losing something you know I had never really gone through losing something you know I've been very lucky that I've I've never I haven't lost you know [ __ ] I gotta know some knock on wood or some [ __ ] but I've never lost somebody very special to me and close to me and I've always said I wish I could have had a regular job before becoming a professional soccer player yeah because I never had something to go back to you know and and and something to fight for like I always wanted to be a professional soccer player but I didn't know why I always thought that oh as soon as I become a professional socer player as soon as I sign that contract I'll finally be happy and it's like I became a professional soccer player I signed the the contract and then I had to wake up the next day yeah and I was like what the [ __ ] I'm not happy I'm still not happy and I was like oh then my journey started where it was just like [ __ ] it's all in the head yep oh for sure there's no such thing as a material thing or anybody that will make you happy it really is just you decide peace man peace of mind and peace of mind it's a little different for everybody I think but that's for me I don't know yeah that and my kids you cool man but it even even now bro even I'm doing all this stuff you know and I finally got my own business makeon media I make you know what I'm saying I make videos for people I make videos for myself and I'm like I have something to go back to like I was working in construction for like seven years busting my ass bro nasty ass [ __ ] portal parties and I've told myself I'm going to I want to do like a tattoo of portal Pary just so I can remind myself why the [ __ ] you need to work hard you know I mean I never in my life want to use the [ __ ] I will pay for it I never want to use a [ __ ] poral party of my life bro and I I that always every time I feel tired or I don't want to do something like uh portal parties [ __ ] you do not want to go back to that life you know so I have to push I have to work hard and I never had that during soccer so it was tough for me cuz I was you were you were you're the best youth player I've ever seen in 30 years I've never seen and every other people nman said the same thing I mean that was pretty much consensus dude you I mean and yeah I think like we're talking about earlier if there was an academy program you'd have been pulled out a club at 12 oh would have been crazy and you'd have been playing against 15y olds that were also pulled out of somewhere you know what I'm saying yeah but I mean you just I mean you cost me [ __ ] [ __ ] two goals two goals the state cup final two zero [ __ ] and they were both in stoppage time one in the first and one in the second I was like that dick I thought you liked me man yeah that was the funnest thing where we would go to uh ODP and then come back and play Club it's like I thought we were friends bro yeah man oh that was cool but yeah you you kind of that's honestly when I would think about you and your development man I be like God he needs to play up a couple years or something man cuz I mean it was too easy for you you were so good it was stupid but I always I always think about myself you know I see some videos and I'm just like [ __ ] like I I never lived it you know it was just I was so hungry I was so I never got to just sit down and be like yo you're pretty good you know I never ever like I I swear bro thought I was the worst soccer player oh dude and that mentality though was what got me where I wanted to but as soon as it switched then I thought I was somebody [ __ ] everything up you can never bro I always I'm super humble nowadays because I know that somebody's GNA take this [ __ ] oh yeah somebody's gonna come in and destroy everything I've done there's always the next big thing man exactly so I have to no no no I don't do it even in this show or anything I'm doing I don't do it for my for the [ __ ] people who like Joe Rogan I don't do do that for that I do it for that kid who's thinking like oo I just got my first camera I just got my first mic those are I'm like I'm I'm competing against those kids I'mma [ __ ] you up I'm make so much more than you you know what I mean that's just how it is you know and and and because at the end of the day those are the important people people who are at the top who they already did it yeah you know they already did it y they already chilling actually but that kid the hungry bro that that kid who's hungry the kid who's who will rip apart your throat if if he has to just to make it man I've always admired that about you you know badass but it's funny cuz I always hear people oh you were so good and I'm like bro if he just if you were just in my brain at that time that doesn't even make sense to me I know it's [ __ ] up I mean even at Region Camp playing against like Cal South and [ __ ] no one could touch you man it was it was ridiculous and and that and that's that's super uh interesting to me cuz again in my brain I was like bro I need to get better all the time it was constant like awesome you're not good enough you're not good enough you're not good enough and you know a lot of people say that that actually helps you so much because it drives you I I know it's tough to understand but negativity actually drives you sometimes oh for sure you know it's it's that dark power you know how to use it you know exactly you turn you into you know a killer serial killer you don't want to do that you know so but and that's what that's what I'm trying to do to make you understand that you were like bro you're probably one of the best teachers I I've met thanks man you know I somebody who really cared about his students yeah and his kids that's it's so cool how you call my kids CU that's what it that's what it is that's what coach is supposed to be I know I was surprised I mean that's how I've always referred to my teams man my kids my boys my girls whatever you know so I don't know it's it's what I love to do what do you think soccer no what do you think is the best thing soccer has ever taught you [ __ ] so much man patience working with you know my littles yeah that's a big one I mean honestly it's pretty easy um I don't know just just perseverance man you know yeah I mean cuz I did suffer some kind of nasty injuries when I was playing and I would never feel like I wanted it to beat me man I was it just pissed me off so just yeah perseverance and and you know hard work and that's why it's so cool like I don't have to say a word to Isaiah man and he's getting it done man got cool yeah I'm excited to see where it takes Isaiah you know me too that's that would be really cool to you know him turning professional someday and me here get him on the show no I I tell him man and it's been the same way since he was in Academy you have two rules when you're playing you play hard and you have fun so I still ask him before and after every game you know I'll say did you did you have fun yeah do you think you worked hard yeah wow so I don't want to put you know anything other than loving what he's doing I mean of course he talks about you know he's going to be Barcelona cany and all that kind of [ __ ] you know I mean all kids that age you know dream big man I wish bro I really wish somebody would have told me to have fun when I was a kid that's key man but I I I never had I never did have fun it was you know I tried soccer again you know now a little while ago and I tried it I don't know if I told you about it oh yeah I came yeah I came here remember and I told you oh I'm GNA get back yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's right I never told you about the experience no you came yeah you were you came here and told me you're getting back into it you're getting in shapee start play again I was like hell yeah bro I lost so much weight I was lit right and I remember playing and I finally like felt happiness like like just blame for fun yeah but then the not fun came along like very competitive and then I just couldn't do it no more I remember but what changed everything was I was ready to come back I was hitting up my manager and I was saying hey it's time to go it's time to do it I'm still young I was like probably 26 I can still find a team or something and I remember playing against the Lake Academy and there were a bunch of kids too you know 16 17 yeah and bro I swear to God there was a moment during the game where I looked at this kid's faces and I looked myself in their face and I would see Ricardo I would see fuel I would see etti and I would see myself and I I I almost cried inside of the game I was like what the [ __ ] cuz I could see the hunger that they had yeah you know and and when I saw that I was like oh this is not for me anymore I no longer had the hunger I was actually happy and it's [ __ ] up because it's like it's not though man if that's how you felt I mean but then it hits me and I'm like cuz what if you if you'd have kept playing maybe you'd be sitting here right now saying how you wish you'd have quit because you just oh wow you know you know what I mean yeah so yeah don't do that to yourself I mean if that's where you were at at that time yeah but that's where you were at at the time and that was the right that was the right call because yeah you could have stayed in it and it could have gone to [ __ ] you know yeah it's true you wouldn't be sitting here right now you know yeah be sitting in a dirty ass porta potty or something yeah yeah no but it it's it's a it's a I know what you're saying I mean it's a journey bro it's nowadays I look at it and I'm like yeah I needed that and I needed to do it but then it was like an epiphany epiphany is it called Epiphany yeah and it hit me [ __ ] you dude no you nailed it man you nailed that [ __ ] was I was like it really hit me and it was just like yeah it's time I've been really good at understanding when it's time it's like okay get out you know yeah one thing I could never give up though and I'm my way here I was thinking about that and I was I could never give up on love or money that's one thing that it's like I I need love in my my life I need it dude tell me about it and I need it look what I got yeah goddamn dog and I and I need money because I know that we all [ __ ] need money of course but that's what it's like I need love and I need money and everything else [ __ ] it but I I I will always if it's time to give up on something I'll give up really fast because it's the analyzing the situation you change the hell out of you having a [ __ ] kid kid man everything changes dude I know I know all this I mean it's good I I love it man I love the energy but you're going to come back in a few years talking about like me man I can't I can't finish a paragraph without throwing Isaiah in it you know what I'm saying or Jesse Like Jesse was up here because her husband's a dentist she lives in Reno okay so I but she was here a couple weeks ago and when you I thought of this when you were talking about superhero when when uh my oldest my oldest grandson's a year younger than my son dude really yeah that's the Jess Jesse's mom was Heather's dude I robbed the Cradle with Heather honest but um anyway Jesse's like what should they call you you know like you know Papa all this [ __ ] and I'm like you know what wait till he's old enough and and he can choose so I show up you know I show up there last week to see him Grandpa Thor that's where they call me Granda door and when my granddaughter says that's that's the coolest match she's cter than hell but they yeah man no I know bro I I already know that it's like some I look at my girlfriend and I'm like [ __ ] I love her so much and I'm like [ __ ] you're a good man I'm no no listen listen [ __ ] the day I have a kid I don't even know how to comprehend that love you know like what the [ __ ] it came from both of us yeah man it bro I'm sometimes it gives me anxiety thinking like bro loving someone that much yeah crazy I mean I was yeah I was scared of being a parent a little bit you know but yeah I don't know man when it's your kid cuz it's no longer you bro there no longer you or your girlfriend oh no you can't it's not about you anymore that's how I ended up in Utah you know I chasing my daughter but um yeah there's it's going to be fun for me to to witness I mean you watch you look at you look at those pictures with fwell with this kid and he just got a big cheesy grin all time yeah yeah oh yeah I love it man it's just bro I you know I feel like your greatest version is when you do it for somebody else MH and I I've noticed that with my girlfriend I no longer did it for me I saw her I saw her and I'm like man I want her to be happy yeah because yes like even this show I'm like no I want other people to become the greatest thing like you you mean to tell me that if I build a big enough platform that I can get somebody in here and like give them the most business they've ever had or the most uh support they've ever had it's like what that's so cool to me that's what I was saying earlier it's so nice to see Good People good things happen to good people man oh so I'm just freaking proud of you dude nah bro I'm proud of you bro you went to [ __ ] cancer kidding me like it's [ __ ] crazy to think that this this ation would have never happened think about that how beautiful is that bro I was scared I was like [ __ ] Ryan better not [ __ ] die bro I was scared there's times you know I mean that crosses your mind oh 100% I bet you know I I'm I'm splitting up okay you know my money for my house goes this much this you know I was doing that [ __ ] you know and just triple I going crazy on the math huh see yeah and if I didn't you know I was scared when I thought about it you know like and you don't have to pay taxes up there probably you know like there's a lot of benefits you know what I'm saying [ __ ] yeah no that's no but I the mental gymnastics got to go crazy bro I never felt scared though I didn't like I was like oh I'm afraid to die you know it's like that's the next step it's going to happen now or later you know yeah I was I was scared to leave Isaiah but I wasn't scared to I don't know I I just I I guess I I honestly when you asked me that like did you ever I I never I can't remember a time when I was like oh no I'm you know I could die I might die it's like I don't know people die every day type thing but I think like you said leave leaving somebody that you love so much bro that's got to be the big as [ __ ] energy drink bro I always say if I get up nowadays cuz I love to do something [ __ ] when I got to get up because my daughter needs diapers what the [ __ ] you know dude I'll tell you though man I I would always like when when Isaiah was little and he start to cry and Heather no I got it I got it I got it really dude I feel like I'm GNA be that type of guy too though and you know he had a little rocking chair you know in his room and I just dude those nights when it was just me and him and rocking and singing and you know little baby songs dude no man I didn't mind being tired that [ __ ] was that was my favorite with both the boys with Gabriel and Isaiah cuz Gabe you know he'd wake up in the night you know and having thrown up or whatever you know and it's like dude it's it's not a chore I prom see you you don't know what you got coming at you man cuz when it's your kid it is not a chore and she just told me two years so that's all I got two years and then it's time for kids and I'll tell you okay here's my advice as a parent and I don't think I've ever told you this MH so the night before Gabriel passed away I came home and I you know just finished like three practices or something you know Heather was in the kitchen and she was cooking and Gabriel you know he was just laying on the floor rolling around you know he special needs he you know he depended on us for everything you know and I so I sat I sat down next to him and I was like she's like dinner will be ready soon and then after dinner uh I got to give Gabe a bath and I'm like no I'll do it you know and she's like no you don't have cuz she knows like kneeling on the tile hurt my knees from my surgeries and stuff and I was like no I said I want to do it so I gave him a bath got him out you know and he's he loved the water so he's happy but then his feet his feeding tube would make him throw up sometimes so he threw up and we got him back in the bath and that was just like normal that what you do you know with him and so the second time I put in the bath and I looked down and his socks were still on I was like oh dumbass so I took his socks off and gave him a bath you know and then rest of the night and whatever and went to bed and I think what if I have said okay and come in here and turn the TV on you know and didn't didn't take that opportunity to be a dad yeah so if I have any advice it's like in my room that pair of socks is sitting next to my bed on my nightstand wow and it's just like don't miss a chance don't miss a chance cuz you might wake up the next day and not have anymore so as a as a older wiser dude that's my advice man take every opportunity to be a dad and I I think you know sometimes in my heartest like most stressful moments I think about that cuz I don't have kids yet but I have parents you know and I have people that I love and I'm like [ __ ] dude you didn't get to talk to them today or you didn't see them and I'm like what if this was a day yeah and then I'm [ __ ] because next day I wake up and you know I feel like the people who most cry when they when somebody dies is on with regret ones with regret yep those are the ones that really cuz you can't get that time back no you know and and you find out there a't nothing like time with your with your little man it's it's like it's unlike anything else so how fast do kids grow cuz there's a difference between my perception and your perception cuz you've actually had it with you you know it varies kid to kid sometimes you know what I'm saying um dude Isaiah isn't a grow Spirit right now I oh dang he's he's also where he can start wearing my shoes man he's two sizes away dang bro he's getting tall but yeah and Jesse man she's almost as tall as me maybe an inch shorter so yeah they grow fast is there is there a moment where you're like oh [ __ ] like now they're their own people I can't do nothing it's like they make their decisions no I mean it's fun to watch that because it doesn't just happen overnight and you start to see that and like with my kids I remember especially with Jesse cuz it was first you know firsttime parent and I remember two I I was like God I love this age man I don't want her get any older and then three came along I was like holy [ __ ] this is awesome and I did that all the way um even to one she's a teenager I was like yeah listening to her have her own opinions and you know be her own person and be you know I was like this is so cool so that's what you got to look forward to but yeah watching watching the see I like them when they're little cuz they're like learning just crazy [ __ ] like the first time you came over and Isaiah was like two teaching them how to celebrate yeah man every age has its I was going to say ups and downs but see I'm not the disciplinarian so I don't get mad much so you know my ex-wife might tell you different but it's like I I don't never have to get mad man it's just it's just fun do you did you ever receive the love that you give your kids from your parents oh now we're going deep huh yeah yeah we has to so my mom and I were my mom's I I yeah I I don't my dad and I don't talk much really and and and most of the kids in my family it's the same a couple of them do but so no so I was like man I'm going to be such a better dad yeah you know I've told I say has asked me stuff like that and I'm like dude we've spent more time talking to each other today than I spent talking to my dad from the time I was born till I left you know what I'm saying wow like the only memories I have with him is split and wood the backyard cuz we had a wood burning stove that's how we heated our house you know so um so yeah I was like man I'm going to be awesome and it it's scary too cuz sometimes I think about that where if you're so much like that I wonder if the kid who re who receives it is he gonna be like that because or maybe not because he never had to do that reverse psychology type thing to yourself I've thought about that cuz my first 12 years of teaching was in a juvenile facility for Youth and custody really yeah oh wow and when we get a kid you know we'd get their file mhm and you know we'd go through it and you know figure out how we're going to best teach them and that kind of [ __ ] you know and and every time I'd read I just like what the [ __ ] who are these people but the thing is every violent offender we had had the [ __ ] beat out of him by a parent or a stepar every you know sexual abuse victim we had had um or or every perpetrator we had had been a victim of it like 100% CU that's what they were taught yeah so that that's what they learned so like when I was becoming a you know I thought about that as a parent like I'm so glad I don't know what I did man but I took the right turn at the right time you know what I'm saying because i' thought about that a lot because these kids man they never had a [ __ ] chance but you know they suffered [ __ ] I I didn't [ __ ] I didn't go through I mean dude some of the [ __ ] I saw I mean that's why when I had an opportunity when I got asked to to coach and you know at the other high school I was like I'm I'm emotionally drained man cuz you start caring about these kids and you see their files and [ __ ] it's like who does that what the [ __ ] yeah that's when I decided I wanted to become Batman I just go around f up man I was like I'm going to be bad man no and and it's true bro cuz I I've I really you know we were talking and I told you how when you're a kid life happens to you because you don't have a developed Consciousness yeah but when you grow older you start analyzing things and really waking up to things and you're like oh okay this is what a developed conscience is it's like I understand my errors and I take responsibility for everything I do okay this is the place you should be as a human right but as a kid you don't you just live and it's like everything you learn is from somebody else you're not really creating your own lessons it's the whole life is coming at you and I believe that as a parent again I'm not a parent yet so I'm just this is theories that I have all right but if I just have a moment with them and try to figure it out why things happen like if they break something yeah you know don't you think that that's important right that's I mean that's my I was just telling someone this the other day I have two really distinct memories as a kid we got home and we're getting out of the car and our neighbors got home at the same time and they were getting I live you know I grew up in Seattle so there's like trees between us but you could kind of see and then we we heard this loud like crash of things breaking and the kid had dropped a box of like glasses like drinking glasses and his dad's reaction just freaked me out cuz he was like like it's okay wow we can get more and I was like Dam dude are you oh my God oh my God you know what happened to me so and then I was playing I I had a sleepover buddies and I came home the next day and my mom asked me how it was and I remember saying oh was so cool like we were building something we needed help we went and asked her mom and she totally came and helped us for like an hour and I could see like now looking back on it and looking at my I could see her just like oh [ __ ] and then from that from then on though like she was she was always [ __ ] awesome man my mom's cool but she would like take more time you know so but yeah so I I totally agree man you I've never I've never spanked Isaiah wow and I I don't have to raise my voice but he can he knows when I'm mad you know what I'm saying yeah yeah well dude I I but yeah talk to them man they're people they're just little people they're not stupid you know and they're not going to learn if you don't teach him so well one thing that I always tell my dad that I feel like kind of affected me a lot was that every time there was a stress with situation or a situation with a lot of energy my dad would just react in the worst ways either mad or yelling or whatever or kicking [ __ ] right and that's what I was thought yeah and it was just like something would happen and I would start hitting [ __ ] for no reason and I was like bro just literally what a year ago in November um I'm fixing my house and the [ __ ] in the basement the [ __ ] flooring one was wrong so I had to take it out but the problem it was that it was in the middle of all of them so I was like let me just take it out and one by one I was [ __ ] up the floor and then I get so pissed and I start hitting every single piece and I'm just letting it out right and then I look back I'm like you [ __ ] you spent all this money like you [ __ ] things up and look what you done you dumbass right and then it hit me and I'm like oh I do this because I my parents taught me to react this way and I went through this you know since November I've been going through this where it's like oh you're reacting this is how you react you analyze the situation like maybe I I don't want to do that you know like this you know this is not going to be good for you and just a couple of weeks ago something happened I was really mad and I saw some the cameras right oh yeah I was doing uh this videos and the camera something happened to a camera and and oh no the mic something happened to a mic and it wouldn't work and I was in this Mansion we were recording these videos and everybody's waiting for me upstairs and it wouldn't it would not turn on and I I was so pissed I looked at the cameras I I was about to break the cameras right and then it it hit me and I'm like you probably shouldn't do this right like yeah it's like they expensive you know don't be stupid you're growing up bro and it woke me up and I'm like oh yeah everything in life is about the reaction bro yeah man everything but you're growing see I dude I hit plenty of things and it was usually people and I got in a lot of trouble for it but you outg grw that [ __ ] man you know and it's the anger bro cuz I I for a fact trust me for a fact like I I I talked to my girlfriend I'm like I still have a lot of anger in me a lot but I'm able to put it in its right place because it's Just Energy at the end of the day instead of getting so mad I'm like all [ __ ] let me you know I'm mad when I'm posting 20 [ __ ] videos for no reason it's like oh yeah I'm mad at that time you know what I mean I just let it out and it's like oh yeah cuz it's all energy anxiety it's all energy everything so I'm like how can I be an energy Bender how can I make this energy and use it for my favor oh okay a lot of shit's going on okay o bro you're about to get the biggest deal you've ever gotten because a lot of shit's going on I just know how to sorcer it and know Source it and I get it and I trap it in a [ __ ] container and I use it because I know that the next step is going to be hard so I'm going use all this [ __ ] in there you know borrow your container man it's got a hole in it it's just like sucking it got it at Walmart piece of [ __ ] yeah no but bro thank you no man I thank you it was good man this conversation have been cool it has been way cool that's why I love having conversations with people you know my past and people that been part of my life and things like that cuz she can go back and speak about whatever this literally has been a conversation I hate when people are like you're a journalist or you're an interviewer no [ __ ] I just want to have a [ __ ] conversation I just want to chill bro I really want to get like a homeless guy to just talk about what the [ __ ] you've been through or I want to you just had one man so I'm right you check that off your [ __ ] list h guy no but it's like I just want to have bro I really want to have a conversation with like a Killer really just like what the [ __ ] bro what happened where did it all go wrong or where that would be pretty [ __ ] interesting I I watched those documentaries dude what is up with your head I know but it's so interesting bro having that energy in front of you and being like where the [ __ ] did you go wrong where did all go wrong like what happened but just having that conversation and there's some [ __ ] up conversations want I want to have with people but just I want to know bro I want to learn I want to get it that's cool you know so I'll watch those man so I'm thankful bro I'm thankful for you to you know open your doors and having a great conversation always man always bro oh was a good one that was a good one bro that's when you know we're friends but thank you and to you guys you could have been anywhere else in the no and to you guys you could have been anywhere else in the world but you're right here with us right now that's right [ __ ] Ryan Mitchell hey if you ever want coaching or whatever when it comes to soccer hit up my guy this guy is a [ __ ] Legend So it's gonna be amazing thanks man you look at this one right you keep looking at that one I'm like that's mine that's my camera you got look at this no I don't trust anybody enough to not look away and I got to say one thing bro what's up I keep saying this and people don't listen bro and this is my it's become my life modotto right but they don't listen bro I've been I think it's been 120 something shows where I'm just like hammering it they don't listen bro but I have to keep saying it because I'm GNA say till I die but guys please from the bottom of my heart stop cheating there's a lot of cheating going on Ryan oh my God bro yeah I know we had that conversation there's a lot of cheating and I feel like you know not just in relationships no cheating yourself man bro I'm telling you cheating on your dreams cheating on your purpose everything bro people are just cheating left and right and I don't know if it's the water I love it man I love it I don't you're you're a good man I don't know what it is bro but you know I feel like it's probably one of the worst things you can do to yourself and to others so for sure so I want to live a lifestyle where I'm you know where I take responsibility it's like hey if I ever do it call me out on it I want the whole world to [ __ ] call me out on it because if I you know I I heard Mike Tyson talk about this one time and he talked about how crazy is L LSD trip was or like his it was like the the the the moan or something like I guess they do a it's not even what's it called it's this crazy drug ah is it's a hallucinogenic yeah it's not you're not eating mushrooms and it's not acid peyote no no it's the one that it's 's the only three I've done it's like the back of a it's it's the back of a he said it was a the back of a frog or something like that oh I've heard about that [ __ ] the toad or some [ __ ] like that that just [ __ ] you up that you see the [ __ ] too much and then you you die dead you know you see God but he was saying how one of the experiences he had was that he was it was like he was in front of the whole world and all of his [ __ ] and everything that he's kept a secret was displayed for everybody to see and I was like bro if everybody went through the experience if the whole world was able to see your worst nightmares you worst Secrets everything would be like I finally don't have nothing to [ __ ] hide [ __ ] you guys I'm being myself 100% and that's why I'm like I'm being myself [ __ ] this is why I love this conversations cuz [ __ ] are going to go back in time and they'll be like you said this in 202 [ __ ] 4 and I'm like yeah I did [ __ ] you yeah like I'm changing constantly I'm becoming someone else and but I'm being myself yep you know I don't like to hide [ __ ] and there's the reason why I do this I was a dumbass at some time I learned from it I almost the reason why I always say stop cheating especially on your girlfriend I almost [ __ ] up the greatest blessing of my life I almost bro I was this [ __ ] close yeah just to think just to think about that I'm like woo bro you know what I mean I'm just I'm just lucky of you man cuz I'm just lucky my girlfriend was like Hey I'm going to stay with this [ __ ] and hopefully he changes you know what I mean yeah well so just all I can say being on the other end don't make her don't make her give you another chance man worse but that's that's all I'm GNA say about that yeah no but thank you again bro thank you loved it have a good night go to sleep early even though I tell you guys to do all the time I don't do what I need to get better I know but love you guys drink water peace [Music] out that was awesome man that was dope right [ __ ] cool hell yeah bro thank you