CLASSIC 90's HOWARD STERN: MIXTAPE #5 (Bill Hicks, William Shatner, birthday show, F-Emmy's) Tape 21

Howard's air-guitars to MegaDeth I'm rocking I can play this on air guitar check this [Music] out how was that Robin you don't look like you're playing that song that oh I played it note for note are you crazy over there you were playing another song who was that that was good mega mega I got to get that album sometimes you ought to see where these songs go before you run out and get the that's the problem we play the best part they always get sucky yeah I'm thinking to put out an album just songs that are about that long Jam to him for about 5 Seconds bumper Rock bumper Rock bumper rock that was good the other day when I did some air guitar in here did that ever get on the eow I don't know I know it's hey Scott did that ever get on the E show cuz we had an whole a whole air band in here yeah I was really rocking Ralph came in what was Ralph doing Ralph played bass who played drums I don't think anybody had drums I thought you played drums Fred no I was playing the air drums I was playing bass because Ralph couldn't handle Bas oh that's what got Fred up right did that air yet when I did the air guitar lunatic Fred aired what's that remember lunatic Fred no lunatic Fred when you the morning could you stop repeating lunatic Fred you think by rep e it I'll remember lunatic Fred one morning lunatic you play lunatic Freds on the guitar lunatic Fred you started singing oh Lunatic Fringe yeah when is that air guitar going to air that was good I'll fit it in what is it Baba fui well we got a lot going on do you want the mega death song that you were just talking about let me hear that I want to see where that goes I think it's uh track six I think I don't know it's damn true this is my attempt to stay young I fig if I keep listening to this kind of music maybe I won't look like such an old fart yeah if you listen to music teenagers listen to it be okay that's what I do I take records if I find a good record like this I uh I get in my Jeep go down to the high school roll down my window and I uh just blast something like this and then I watch young chicks look in my car you never have any fear that you look like some of our teachers who used to wear nou jackets and love beads yeah I know cop picked me up for child [Music] molestation all right here we go [Laughter] see if I had a band if I could actually play an instrument I would play like this all right so far so good right right working rocket [Music] yeah no [ __ ] in this band listen to these guys uhoh might be in [Music] trouble I think they lost me I think they gave up after the opening they got tired yeah they got tired they put all their effort up front oh this isn't so bad I'm still with it yeah it's all right it's not bad it's not bad this is pretty good to piss your parents off was oh it's not bad I like that what else they got on there what on this record yeah Mega try track 2011 this is Ralph suggestions I could really get laid to this take the Jeep down to the high school crank this up some some young chippy will look in the get the hair going pretty good I like yeah it's pretty good I'd like to have a young girlfriend just have sex with it is my wife hears this she gets she her knees start to hurt you mean you want a young girlfriend like in L of your wife or have a wife and just have a young girlfriend no and Lou oh who needs what what I got to go home and play charade who's singing lead Herve villz is he back yeah these guys are pretty good yeah that's an all right you might as well pick that one yeah I know this [Music] song you guys want to see me play to this all right I play some guitar today play like way that I'm making how's that I love it how your fingers do the same thing on every song I'm actually playing with myself how do I look Christ if I could only really play hold it see you know what your problem is you look too happy yeah I wait let me get hold let me get my glasses you need Shad you don't go on stage with it that's right you got to look miserable and mean and unapproachable ready yes you almost got to look like you don't care run how's this notice I'm playing I'm going to do some stuff with the foot pedal all right there you go now you got it how's that that's very good fr play base hey friend's pretty good Jackie why don't you get some drums going hold on I'll hit the foot pedal we look pretty good we do a bunch of retards Jackie's like 50 and he's Jackie is like the Charlie Watts of the band oh shut up Jackie looks like a [ __ ] hillbilly it's still like country and Fred really starts jerking around oh yeah he's jumping up and down yeah Fred a real nitwit he's a he's the kind of guy who would be in a band of SP at least when I play man I hardly move that's what you're supposed to do that's in this band you got to you got to move no no no no no no no I see Slash he just stands there you've been in so many Heaven metal bands here is psychedelic be a little bit of it from sugaray I I love this they did a great job with it now it rocks see I just needed the right musicians and a great singer one from [Music] me you can dance to [Music] this tast like a msh pit did you guys beat each other up yeah you got to cry check this out here wait wait wait that's good come on I told I like that part of [Music] the I'm telling you that's got a hook those guys those guys those guys put that on an album they have a Smash Head [Music] this should be the soundtrack to that fight between John and Ralph I might put this in my movie these guys actually killed each other after the taping anyway Fred got it in his mind Fred's covers Howard's childhood song 'Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes' (1995) that he should be a part of this he didn't like the idea that you were going out of the house asking people to re-record your silver nickels and gold and dime and Fred the big critic was evidently running through the Halls here yesterday critiquing sugaray is that right what he what they were doing wrong and that kind of I said I loved their stuff I didn't care for the little stops but I thought it was great he was in the Hall giving a lecture ah I wish I could have and how they could have done it better wish I could have been well let's just see what Fred did let's check Fred's report card well got silver nickels and golden dimes the original all right here's the original Fred took this is the other song that I only wrote two songs thank God hey come on this is silver nickels and golden dimes this is my favorite you know my one great uh bone of contenent with Jackie is he won't stop riding I know at least I knew to stop in sixth grade I could tell I had no Talent Mary come play with me I'll give you a silver Nick say come with me I give you some a Nick was a Twist on that and be another yeah this [Music] rocks sounds like he's by the way before I play Fred's version another listener had sent in his version of silver nickels and golden dime did kind of a 9in nail I actually like this [Music] one give you sort of a techno thing all right but let's get to FR let's see what Fred the musician did cuz this guy really you know this guy all right so now Fred took got a hold of my song and this is all Fred instruments and everything he did it in his apartment just me here he is Fred Norris our own Fred Norris our own mental case Fred Norris sitting in the apartment now you you have heard this you you've listened before uh not really I I I heard about a second of it 10 seconds nothing more and what about Jackie no no okay nobody's heard it we're all hearing it together for the first time [Music] [Applause] St with me there will never be another Lord [Music] like and all you care for Miss M silver nickles and a golden Jes and all you hear is the [Music] chames Fred go nuts in his apartment I wonder know how Fred has time to do this what do you think Robin I see you look very puzzled I am me too I don't know if I like it or not now I like this year Fred's got a good voice are these the lyrics I never knew what you were saying I guess I told you those are good lyrics I will you gold it's just when Fred does it it sounds better Fred Taking Liberties with my song yeah I changed the lyrics I thought he did did you not much not much trying to make sense out of it yeah say that's not fair Fred you supposed to stick to the lyrics I had to play with a little bit oh there goes Fred whing away angry [Music] man you want B to that's pretty [Music] good sort of how I wanted it to go in uh sixth grade how you in bu that's what I tried to do in sixth grade Sil n it's a very hot song it's better than [Music] history a never what do you think of it Jackie I think it's great I think it's great think I think just was only confined by the lyrics actually I was actually no it sounded really good and his the guitar sounds fantastic yeah yeah the guitar work is really good thanks I think it's wasted on this song oh come on actually I was kind of digging like the lyrics in that of course it's good well yeah you rewrote them I didn't drop in the drum solo though that's what I was waiting for yeah you should have done the drum solo yeah cuz that's that is the challenge to make right yeah you got make that worthwhile well the Meat Puppets are working on their version and there well we'll be able to play all of them pretty soon right put out an album I'm going to put out an album of one song two songs yeah my two songs one side will be one song and the other side will be another song they got henrik's tributes yeah yeah cuz I thought he had changed the lyrics a bit not that much though really it's pretty close to the original it's a major Gap believe or not the drum s yeah okay deduct some points for that okay sorry about that so no when um sugar raed their version they left everything in they stuck to it they stuck to it as much as they didn't want to what is it are you interest in what the phones are saying what are you saying they're all going crazy everybody likes it they like they like seven eight different calls and not one negative one negative negative negative not one but everybody's digging the song was good we did a good job with it a good song Only critique is he didn't put the drum solo on you got to have that that's the way the artist wrote it can't change that you what the phones is saying the phones I took like zeven gos and everyone loves it the phones is going nuds and Grazy here there's no one negative not one negative call I'm gay do you want to know what the phones is saying the phones is saying ring ring G gayin just called he wants to play it on his show G galin and Bobby they love it G galin and Bobby call they want to blade in the Y they're going crazy you know what the phone say they're going crazy they go ring ring it's crazy how come in and say it again do you want to know what the Bones Say what do the vones say the bones they're going crazy this is unbelievable it's fantastic they not one negative not one Negative vongo they love it from brn from queens and D [Laughter] Island hello hello you're on the air it's Fred do you want to know what the bones are saying what are they saying are they going crazy they going crazy out there let's return to the Howard Stern a lot of people like Fred's song here's one that says Howard Fred scores look at that FR scored a big hit good for you Fred here's one Fred's version was good sounded a little like Neil Young okay PS Fred sounds like a homo that was little well that's a I don't know what that means Fred may be weird but his song effing rocks better than John's oh yeah oh there it is that's what it says can't wait for Jackie H Howard I believe Fred's initation of your song initation sounds just like Neil Young's Rocking In The Free World check it out all right there you go Howard tell Norris to stop ripping off zezy top if he thinks that that's a compliment oh here's what Fred sucks now now they're turning on WE G from good sucks and now tell Fred to shut his effing AIDS infected SE sucking mouth so we can listen to you without his s ass mouth talking s all the time PS I hope his wife gets fed 12 times a night in her play I'll talk to her about it I'll see if she can if she can do that gu angry what what' you say did Fred do to that guy remember when we were in Washington and that girl you know she just looked at Fred and then one day Fred picked up Fred is weird with women a guitar and he sang a uh rolling stone song she was in love with him yeah the black chick yeah yeah that Fred never uh Fred could have screwed a great looking black chick and he never did second I think he didn't have sex with her cuz she's black that's my theory I'm I'm serious Fred's a racist in a way yes okay in a way what is in a way either you're racist or well not in the Daniel Carver sense but it's not going to kill people right he doesn't want to hang them and send them back to Africa okay but I think that I seriously I because that girl was stunning I would have banged her so silly have you ever slept with a black woman never had the opportunity you had the opportunity when I was ready I mean I ready she could have been white she could have been black it didn't matter dang it wasn't going to happen for me racist dang it weird I thought he was gay for sure you have to see this girl this girl looked like Naomi Campbell she was great yeah she sure was she was sweet I think that was the other you made out with her in the parking lot right yeah he did I didn't know he got that I knew about that he told me that he told me that he told me that she was trying in the worst way to give it so what happened if you saw this girl's body I'm talking about tall perfect did you ever ask him how look like Naomi Campbell exotic I got a question for Fred after you make out with her in a parking lot next time you see her what happens he doesn't say anything no we we we spoke it was a little uncomfortable but we spoke what happened no it was just one of those things where it wasn't go anywhere plus we were leaving she was black right no he couldn't take her home yeah to that to those parents to that wonderful family cookie plus family oh please now seriously what was your you wen't attracted to her right no she was very pretty what was it though tell me the truth no I just wasn't in the a state of mind why I could get involved with anybody at that point see when I met Fred he was that's a Fred would not be with girls for several years I couldn't figure out whether Fred was pining for somebody seemed like or but it was weird CU I was convinced Fred was gay and I don't I know Fred thinks that's a down but I'm telling you he would not have sex with anybody to were having a discussion about how guys can't Fred did right well I don't what I'm saying is what was going on with you back then because he always talked about women to me I me talk to Fred I'm getting answers from everyone but Fred did you ask him back then Howard I would ask him but it was difficult like after he was was with this did you he told me that he devoted to his work which could have fooled me I said where are you working other side from here he's got nothing yeah I was he must must be Moonlighting at a grocery store no I said I said he did you say hey you going to go out with her fredd because I always wanted to see Freddy hook up with someone he was lonely and I said hey Freddy what's going on with you I was and I was like really I just I don't know it just was not well Freddie was using me as a s good girl did he tag along with you and Al when you went play all the time dat and I no and then I told you you couldn't get rid of him so I wanted him to hook up with someone Fred go without sex that's what I'm talking about long time I got a pretty good idea I think it might have been 10 years no what 10 H three or four more than four at least four four yeah and you said that was not possible no he has a he has an emotional problem yeah I did well of course did what was your problem let's get to the bottom of this seriously what was your problem I'd rather pay my therapist that do this rather you had a problem you had intimacy issues I'm not asking trust issues trust but but that girl I was just about to say her name I don't want to but that girl I can't see how you could resist what did he not trust them to do I it wasn't a trust of them it was a trust of uh just being let down you're like a chick what did you say under your breath seriously guys don't have those ISS like if you have an issue you overlook it what I also didn't have a dad to kind of pattern myself after oh please everybody fix it up with Fred Fred's a genius I'll tell you what I'll give you my dad you ped yourself after him yeah I had one the bud wasse oh that's right that's right I forgot this is the guy gu who crapped in the in the uh in the dress or drawer right right well that was an accident sure it was intentional dad acts like there were no men around him anywhere Robin there wasn't what happened to your stepdad my stepdad came in when I was about 14 years old and you couldn't figure it out FAS Robin at that come on come on give the guy a break he's trying to be honest buting his b although I should be KN knowing him better it's like Robin learned about sex from her dad very early on hands on so I guess if i' been okay attack me attack me go well attack me I just asked the question I was just wait a second wait a second wait let me handle this because he gets yeah you're a little too direct I'm good with him right I'm good with handling you you you're you're better at than Robin right no you're saying I think what you're trying to say is that for a couple of years you didn't know how to handle women because you didn't have a role model I still don't not anal women but I'm better at it than I was you're willing to try at least he has problems interal relations he does he does I've seen him like nobody around here no no I've seen him in groups like people say to me friend's not so bad I go it's not the way you describe I go wait I'll get a hold of you give them time that's right just keep perpetuating you it's funny because even back then when we were in NBC even with regular people Fred had there were there were two ways Fred was with you he either liked you a lot or he hated you there was never any in between no there is no in between really jeez I didn't know all this was going on I've been fortunate friends always likeed me I always thought friend like lik everybody no oh dear no Fred has very strong opinions about people he didn't have a father to teach him any other different pattern himself I became his father in a sense that's true and uh now he's a mess what a mistake good choice his father goes to see the shrink four days a week now what is it Ralph do do you think Fred might be a little gay no I thought I thought so for a while yes but why wouldn't he go with this girl I still don't understand that well he's not answering that's why I'm I'm curious too I don't know I had some sort of weird morality Ralph something you know nothing about hey come on mean in other words you wer interested in her as a girlfriend no no I I I I respected her you did yeah and you didn't want to hurt her by exactly I see just sleeping with her right well yeah Fred FR I had have a at that point in time I had have a little more meaning in my life that's when I see a guy like Casey who's who who walks around going like N I can't have her I can't have her that's a mistake it is that's a mistake abuse conversation Liza Manelli was there so you could abuse a situation now Fred was actually kind of correct in in some respects he was like Hey I really I'm not turned on by this woman for whatever reason so I don't want to just bang her and then sort of leave her laying in a heap and all upset and all in love and all that kind of stuff how how old was Fred at the time Fred was in his 30s young 30s mid 20s mid 20s but it wasn't like he was way above her in the food chain at the station no he wasn't so what it wouldn't have been one of those boss intern things yeah well he would I know him he was a little afraid to get involved with anyone cuz that meant a commitment well that's the whole thing he didn't feel that he could commit right and he didn't know how to play it where he could just walk away never that kind of guy but Casey there is a point to be made for going out and experiencing people at a young age and instead of like you know waiting your whole life to find Miss Wright well how do you know who Miss Wright is until you experience a few people by by by what by banging that's how you're dating banging all of it you got a date to find out what you like or don't like and Ralph's only found out what he doesn't like so far he found what he likes how do you figure out what's your favorite food right because I know yeah I've tried did you just look at all the food how do you build up your body you don't go to the gym just once I'm telling you like I went to college I've done that but no you hav no you didn't you haven't done anything let me tell you something you think you've done it I got married when I was 31 right at the rate you're going you're not you're going to wait for a woman to probably get married when you're in your early 30s cuz you're never going to find anybody that's perfect for you you know what I mean you'll do what FR did you need one woman and Howard does the show from the bathroom marry how here's the deal I got a real problem I got to make number two real bad so I'm not kidding I really do I can't even sit here this is not my problem no I'm telling you my problem I didn't say it was your problem I don't know why you're telling me I've been here you know 5 hours and I I got to go but whose fault is that it just happened if you want here's what I can do I got to I ask you to take me out of this delay you won't I can do it for you right now thanks man I'll wait I'll wait 10 minutes Howard can I explain myself Fred I don't have time for you before you blow before you blow a contion may I explain no he's got I got go dud two delays they have to take that one out when that one is out I can take take me out I don't care about the other delay very good that's Tom's problem not mine just take me out uh what are you going to do bathroom with you I he's got my headphones just take me out you're ready okay thank you that's all I wanted yeah you did it simp mental case I got to go to the bathroom what do you want me to do I could I can hear you on the radio in there I'll just I'll do my business while you do a story you sound different to me there's something wrong what do you mean do I sound different this doesn't sound right to I don't care I got to go to the bathroom oh now it's clearing up oh it is what is Robin I don't know what's happening is her headphones in the right position please should be someone help me with that I'm never going to get to of the bathroom you as well I'm going in my pants 90 seconds in your chair right there have been home by now we're almost ready just hold on B is she in the right headphones yeah now I don't have headphones all right now you all right okay there you go thank you FR thank you so much so I mean I could do essentially I could do the show I mean I'm going to be listening to the news I'll just be in the can but you can't play cards for me Fred can you take my seat and play cards I sure can yeah I got it covered I was going to go do during the commercials but I couldn't there was not enough time Fred goes I'll give you two minutes yeah like you can do that oh here they are all right yeah I can do that in two minutes give you two minutes now do you need that room cleared back there I would prefer yeah oh I'm so uncomfortable I can't even tell you I would never do this and the wireless mic is going to work in there I don't I don't know I don't think I have time to worry about it now just give me a second where's the wireless mic fauy he just ran out with it he's a [ __ ] Bo you're not going to have headphones I'm going to listen to you on the on the uh microphone I mean on the uh radio radio buy where's my microphone slly you never get into the bathroom might as well sit up dying I can't help it it's not ready it's not ready all right do me a favor can I just go to the bathroom I almost ready your microphone's not on Baba buoy it's not on either I'm not at the board I'm here well you got to get me something you know that I'm going to the bathroom take the microphone take the microphone take the mic why the turtle the turtle is poking his head up it will beell it'll be M you'll be on mic any second he's yelling what's the problem with the microphone Fred where do you bring up boss's Wireless I don't know if we can hear him hello does that thing have to be harmonizing we're flanging what does that mean harmonizing you can't hear it hell Scott you hear me yeah we got you boss hello okay everything seems fine now gji followed me into the bowl I'm taking the Fourth Stall here I'm going to put P I'm going to put papers down on it doesn't sound so urgent if you can put papers down it's pretty urgent but I can still put papers down I'll tell you that I bet you you could have waited how do you put the volume up on here G Genji would you do me a favor and stop taping me I'm trying to go to the can make it louder what are you doing you just took the signal off oh oh now I can hear you Robin okay well uh why didn't you have somebody else line the toilet for you before you got there G's got to hold the camera and stare at me I ain't touching those toilets what did you say I'm not touching those toilets you know this Wireless isn't working real well Robin nothing at the station works well that's why I'm leaving Jackie what do you want hey come on guys I want to go to the bathroom I'm ja Jackie's in here with me where're still still on the air tell Jackie to get back here ouch ah now how I pull my pants down with this microphone you might as well be on a cell phone this is terrible yeah hold the microphone while I undo my pants Oh this is so stupid can you hear me now yeah all right turn off the microphone you know get out of here gji yeah I I want to make I want to go to the bathroom I don't want you taping me when I go to the bathroom what are you a [ __ ] yeah get out I really want to go all right you want to you want to keep the you want to keep the camera on me while I go okay go ahead oh that's disgusting you be able to go I'm you know I'm like a dog my pants are coming down Robin wait I'm not on the Bowl yet I'm not even lining it that's how bad I have to go I would have imagined that you know you'd already have a messy in your diaper by now all right you want to do some news I'm going now all right sh Robin if you need help I can run your carts for you I think Fred already grabbed them well there's uh hurricane Felix I don't need your sound effects man hurricane Felix hit hurricane Felix is in this stall uh Bermuda last night they didn't get the eye of the storm but the uh storm certainly lashed it with high winds and rains here's what it sounded like what happened there you go you can't hear it sounds like my it sounds like my wireless microphone in here and they say it's now headed toward the Mid-Atlantic Co east coast of the United States how do you like working like this I don't like it at all I know it's weird wa oh man I'm in bad shape I don't even want to hear this I couldn't go for like two days wait a second I couldn't go for like two days and all of a sudden when I'm on the air I had to go I really could not wait I'm sorry Robin go ahead so anyway they expect to possibly be issuing hurricane warnings for parts of the East Coast later today I know you know that's all you've got to say to concentrate J you still out there oh man how bad's it smelling here see I can't do you know I need to be looking at you when I do some of these stories come in here and look at me you'll I'm not going to do it now though Robin just look at me it's not the same it's bad in fact I can't look at you and do the news Robin what I got to do a courtesy plush ohy is gji still in there yeah so how do you go at the OJ Simpson trial yesterday they argued back and forth once again about uh what is it missible and what is not Clark kept getting into it for some reason or other and here is Jito hey Robin lashing at Marsha Clark what you should see gangji he's got his shirt pulled up around his nose oh goodness it it's really bad in here that's got to be above and beyond oh my God why don't you leave then the Call of Duty oh dear come here man what I said are you almost done cuz I'm feeling real sick and you've even done a courtesy plus yeah oh I'm on my second what is that I can smell it through my shirt still oh look Jito has something to say let's wind this up let's try the Simpson case sometime today did you hear him he said let's wind this up what Judo said could you wind this up I said I can't wait to get out of here already this is ridiculous anyway they will continue with the lab expert in the courtroom today that leg they found in the uh Rubble of the Oklahoma bombing y I want to put a bit in on that looks like the Elephant Man remains they say they may have to declare at the hundred 69th victim of that bomb nobody can really be sure who the leg fitted with a milit military style boot belongs to it does not match any of the 168 victims theyve found so far and been have been able to identify I'm coming in Robin hold on I'm coming in I want to comment on the [Laughter] boot hey stinks in there Ser m in there how did you clean yourself up so quickly well Genji held the camera with one hand and serviced me oh oh my God go in there Robin go in there no I'm not going in there that is a treat I don't need to uh smells like a disaster area at least I washed my hands in did you really with all of that electronic equipment yeah I electrocuted myself oh man a little little bit messy light okay well I guess you'll be rushing home won't you oh my God I was dying I've never had that happen in my history on the on the radio in well you must have had to go cuz you finished up pretty fast oh there was no hesitation oh my God and poor gji it red I was so embarrassed so whose leg is that that they've had there's nothing left to talk about oh my God you should have seen what I did in there was it's the size of a [ __ ] how did you clean yourself oh oh dear oh my God I had an accident I don't even want to Che are you still not done no I I I don't even want to check my Underpants this is so ridiculous I'm telling you this is you know what of all the things I have ever done on the air I've never done anything like that that's terribly unprofessional Howard thank you I'm on a roll I mean at least I have the I get up and leave and I don't invite people with me you know what the problem is what see you can get up and I can Vamp for a while nobody lets me go there's no one to turn on your microphone oh that was really an emergency I apologize to my audience no you don't you enjoyed every second of it you want to know some I didn't because I didn't really fully evacuate I know I this is going to cause you problems in the long run yeah because now you're going to have to go again I know cuz I'm don't think I'm completely finished squinted me like that I did three4 of it makes me think something's happening it might be what a nightmare that was thank you OJ you're not kidding well I did the main portion of it enough to get you through the rest of the show let's hope yeah I did the main course it's the dessert will come Bill Hicks calls in (1993) later bill bill hello Howard hey man you're on here okay how are y'all doing good how you doing good I'm doing great um this is really weird too you know because you see this is what's going you see this is why I'm kind of this is the whole thing with this new CBS move yeah I'm a little uptight about I'm doing Letterman on the 12th and I'm thinking it's going to be really uptight atmosphere I know theyve taken the show way too seriously now because they're doing well you know well not since uh Elvis was censored from the waist down on the very same stage has someone been edited from the the uh neck up and uh that's what happened to me even say anything that bad the network absolutely harmless well first of all what happened was you got on the Letterman show because you were called at the last minute because didn't somebody cancel out right the uh former cook of the gambino crime family who was in the witness protection program was Hawking a cookbook yeah it was called the mafia cookbook these guys aren't known for their cleverness and then I read an article that Letterman Letterman pissed off the mob when they canceled this guy the mafia cookbook oh he's in all kinds of trouble of course when they found out he was going on they started getting all these calls is this guy going on what time do y'all take yeah now Bill you're not in the mob are you uh not that I need to talk about no right so in other words it wasn't like they put you in because you're in the mob as well mob replacement no but why would let I used to be a waiter for the mob so Letterman cancels him at the last minute and puts bill in who's a comedian yeah right so Bill evidently had been screen who screened you Morty uh uh Morty Mary Connelly all the people there like how do you get screen for the Letterman show what do they come to a comedy club and listen to you yeah they didn't do that this time they just uh went over my set you know verbatim as I did it for him and I and I was supposed to be on the Friday before but got bumped let me get this straight so you do it for them over the phone or you have to go down to the Letterman offices uh I went down to the offices we did it over the phone we did it several times let me get this straight you walk into like Letterman's you know building there Morty sits in a room with another woman or something well no just and you stand there and do your for them uh just the woman yeah I'm a little performing monkey boy oh but the two of them man I thought it was bad I've got to go do my pre- interiew on Monday but I get to do that over the phone you had to go do your standup act in front of them yeah but how can you do do they sit there and laugh uh well yeah but I did it over the phone as well and they laughed I mean the whole thing was laughable whenever I do the um pre- interview with them over the phone I usually they never laugh and stuff cuz Frank Ganon used to do the pre interview i' be sitting there and I'm like telling him okay I got this great thing I'm going to talk about I don't want to talk about it ahead of time because it ruins my spontaneity but and I really would rather just talk to Dave naturally about it but I'll tell you what it is right all right what is it right well Frank you supped to do that great w yeah and he go o I don't know Frank Anon like he was in direct pain yeah right he' go o that that uh Dave I don't know what Dave would do during that I go what what is he an idiot what is Dave supposed to do what is Dave ooh ooh it's like Frank you know you're making me feel like I'm like like like I don't know like I'm Judas or something well you know Frank said something very funny to me once he said well you have to understand our audiences and I said what are you grow them on farms are they comprised of people I know them you know I'm a person yeah you know I'm a person I've met a few people and I've performed in front of a few people when I'm not performing I'm one of your audiences in fact I know your audience better than you do but that's true they act like they's somebody different out there when uh you're watching the Letterman show well everywhere I've ever worked that's like when we went to NBC NBC radio they go you don't understand who the family is of NBC listeners I go what are you talking about they go you don't understand the audience the guy uh goes back the program director and he has a bunch of interns go through magazines and cut out pictures of people but listen to this I swear this happened to me and Robin can back me up on it they made a big collage of different people all white people pretty much yeah occasional black face black his out of a magazine these are people who've already been ped picked by an advertising company to represent a false so they hang this big Montage of people and they write under it NBC family they hang it in the studio so all the jocks at the station all the Personnel are laughing at me now because I need a big poster in front of me to keep reminding me hung it back up so everyone could smell it and then they took it down like two days cuz it rre bastards PE on the American Family yeah Fred you remember it yeah remember that was was ridiculous Brenda had to spend like a week putting that thing together was that who put it together Brenda had to put it together under orders of downfield of oh is that right boyfri you about it imag the meeting that go on preparing for that oh yeah can you imagine MOS and meetings oh yeah well I printed all that in my book I printed all the memos and the meetings I got all that stuff behind the scenes and I threw it in my book but I'm we're not here to promote my book what's your book called something Parts private private parts well yeah I'll promote it for I just read in the I was just in the middle of reading in the paper how I was banned from bookstores but okay anyway so a lot of banning lot of banning going Banning in the air but 1993 in America too you know in seven years is going to be the year 2000 you can do your own math I can prove that yeah and you know what's weird how old are you Bill I'm 31 all right well I I'm 39 I can't believe that my generation now is in control in power and we're more conservative than anybody yep well it's all what they deal with numbers in demographics they don't deal with people anymore yeah well anyway so this wave of Hysteria has taken over so any anyway so you go down to Letterman's offices and you you stand in front of Morty and the girl and yeah this happened this set was approved the week before right so you were all set with your material right okay so they liked your material and and you know what I I read in the paper what you were doing and it was real funny and there was nothing really that I mean you did some religious stuff but yeah but it was so harmless I mean even I mean even people in church would laugh at that little comment and I've done hey I ran this set by my mom on her porch in Little Rock Arkansas you're not going to find more mainstream nor Middle America than my 65-year-old mom yeah for example and she hooted and fell out of her rocker yeah well then again it's your mom you know what I mean she's going to Hoot the family Montage at NBC probably not she drinks a lot and doesn't have teeth your mom well no but she's not she's not that prejudice when it comes to my show only comment was my hair kept falling into my eyes but doesn't your mom put out dirty records as well on a label anyway party record party records the chit circuit for a long time Mama Hicks Mom Mom Mom's Hicks so anyway so you go down you go down to the Letterman offices you do your material you okay it with them everyone's cool and like like typical material would be and it's real funny material it's this material Robin you for example uh hey look at this do you think Jesus really wants to come back when everyone's wearing I'm not doing Justice your material but you know everyone is now wearing crosses uh-huh you know I've noticed that everyone is wearing cles yeah I don't think it has any religious meaning I don't think anybody it looks like Satan worshipers I even softened it by saying nice sentiment but you think when Jesus comes back he's really going to want to see a cross right maybe that's why he hadn't shown up yet he's up there going dad they're still wearing crosses they missed the point I'm not going yeah it's not a nice reminder right it's like going up for a rifle pending on you know yeah what was that it's like going up to Jackie Onasis with a rifle pendant on thinking of John Jackie we love him trying to memory alive right so and and that's all you said you know you said that kind of material it wasn't sexual or anything no but there was they called them the he goes the sensors called them hot points hot points like yeah like why should we do anything interesting and why should anybody you know why want to excite people we don't want to get them thinking yeah I mean but why but why is it that everyone's so frightened of people's thoughts I mean you know it's just like well hey what you these are Bill hicks's thoughts why don't we listen to them and just and listen you know it's a bummer I've seen a million comics the one who I thought were atrocious and who bombed and yet I didn't write any letter and and also CBS doesn't you see CBS doesn't understand what they have in Letterman they've gotten the late night franchise they now have something that is the hottest show on television and they'll blow it they'll blow it for letter I understand Letterman's real upset about this well I think it you know it's the only show I do and I'm a big fan of the show and that's kind of a disappointment on top of all this because I thought it was the closest to me I've ever been on the show right how many times have you done the show this was the 12th time I've done it and I'll tell you something no one has ever come up to me after any of the other 11 times and said boy I saw you on Letterman it was great you know why because it wasn't me i' been so declawed by the sensors right that I went on as this uh you know perfunctory little um joke blower right and I wasn't me my stuff requires an odd dramatic where you think I'm serious for a minute then I take the air out yeah I mean let's see what you do and the thing is that this is the first time you went on at uh 11:30 though right oh well that's the other thing understand the 11:30 audience yeah there's a different oh yeah they're all freaked out now that there's a different audience they don't understand no it's the same audience they just stay up there's just more of them available to watch the show was taped at 5:30 in the afternoon and that crowd loved it yeah well what 11:30 to 12:30 everyone becomes overly sensitive and they have a crayon in their hand you don't understand the people who are watching oh I see yeah you're you're stupid you don't understand people they do so the point is that uh so then all of a sudden I guess did they call you at home and say Hey listen had to cut out your whole act yeah they called me at the hotel after I'd relaxed and everything hey it was over with it went great everyone agreed Morty said you killed absolutely wonderful so they were happy they were very Dave gave me a Havana cigar during the break you know it was really a nice relaxed great day for me and Dave gave you a Havana cigar yeah where did he get him Dave doesn't uh ever give me anything he's upset with you you know what Letterman said to me I was on a year ago and I'm going on again which is weird but uh and this is the first time I've ever asked them to go on because I'm promoting the book but I don't know if they ever would have had me back or not I'm sure they would have but Dave just said Dave turned to me and you're on Leno it's it's hilarious I almost said the wrong word it is hilarious yeah and but and I don't think any of your thoughts have made the world fall off its AIS you no no as a matter of fact when I went on Leno they tried to pre-interview me and all that and I avoided all of that because I think that sucks I think if you want how it's Stern I've been given a list of rules too for the new Letterman uh show and and the thing is I said Hey listen I called you to go on so I'll I'll comply with any of your rules I don't care I just want to promote my book and get word out cuz I like I like what I wrote basically and I want people to read it but uh I think there shouldn't be any rules I think you should go on there and just have Howard Stern on or have Bill Hicks on you you wonder if people can actually have conversations without these pre- inters people really talk to people if they don't have somebody find out what they're going to say first well you know I think uh but CBS is blowing it well this is a horrible attitude and I tell you the idea they have standards and practice this is after all Network TV that Hawks beer every other commercial the number two killer drug in America while during war against drug specials with Connie Chong and they have no sense of irony nor qualms about doing that yet they find my just simple ideas somehow not suitable hey Bill by the way Chevy Chase just called in he said he let you do whatever you want just come on if you could be there tonight he's called since then and asked me to host so yeah right they're thinking of making you the host that show they're changing the name of that theater yeah they want to change it to the Bill Hicks theater stick you in there have my mom as my Ed McMahon yeah be good well I'm sorry that happened to you I know you know you know what's really embarrassing you tell all your friends and your family going to be on and then all of a sudden they call you at home and say listen we're cutting it out and then you frantically go oh man should I call everyone and tell them yeah what did you do and isn't it a bad when you have to call everyone and say oh I'm not going to be on and my mom was Furious my parents were absolutely Furious cuz I'd run the by them and they they they they've talked to me over the years about the that you know I do do a lot of material that is way way out there but obviously I understand the ramifications of network TV yeah but my mom is like furious with the FCC she's out of her mind exactly my mom too and she she was absolutely livid and and I mean if she could be in the I I would like to meet these these standards in practice guy because I got a right hook I've been saving for somebody for about seven years I know all those standard practice guys when I was at NBC I used to have remember they used to sit me down five of them on a couch they would sit there like robots and tell me and read me the riot act every week was five of them and you can't outnumber them I mean you can't you can't if you start to say something they each have a new angle on it plus plus everything they say is insane so there's no way to talk sense yeah oh yeah oh yeah none of it makes sense and then as soon as they run out of arguments because you're 10 times smarter than they are they go look you don't understand who listens can't do it yeah you don't understand what's going on out there you know what I found is that 90% of the people in this country are actually reasonable and very you know very reasonable people they cow to that 10% 10% idiots the 10% idiots who are in a trailer with a crayon right I saw God talk about Jesus I'm offended signed X and get that letter and they take the one person in the room who complained over the 250 people who howed with laughter now you understand everything yeah because now I now you understand why I have a million and a half dollars worth of fines against me because one guy keeps complaining against me out of millions of listeners the FCC wants to change all of radio for one person another thing is too this idea that I'm offended well I have news for you I'm offended by a lot of things too where do I send my lift life is offensive yeah you know what I mean just just get in touch with your outer adult and grow up and move on reasonable people don't write letters because a they have lives B they understand it's just TV C they know if they see something they don't like something they do like might be on later I've seen many Comics I've hated I've seen Many religious shows that have offended me I've never written a letter I just go about my life well the problem is there's also a lot of white people out there who are freaking out over what's going on in the black community and they think that the black hick isn't going to change they think that the blacks are watching Howard Stern and uh Bill Hicks and they're going to watch it and then they're going to go out and go on another La Rampage that's what they think that's what they think is making the blacks out of control and Hicks is the problem and they don't realize there's a whole problem in that Community with family breakdown and all that other stuff and all due to alcohol probably not drugs they keep talking on TV the effects of alcohol on their dad beating their mom the breakup of the family and all hawked by these networks who have such high standards they consider themselves the moral Arbiters of this country which I think goes a long way towards explaining the problems with this country so anyway so did uh so Letterman's people I'm sure were very apologetic I mean well you know here's the punch line they asked me back in three weeks and I said I don't think I can learn to juggle in that short of a time yeah you got to come up with a whole new act don't you so you're not going to go on tossing balls now I I would love to go on I love the show and I love Dave and the fact of the matter is that they keep asking me to come on and then they don't want me to be me so I don't know what to do yeah I know it's weird it's like that it's so tempting to go on well that's what happened to Lenny Bruce Lenny Bruce used to go on network television and do like these straight shows right nobody knew who the real in and nobody cared and you know you watch those appearances now and they seem so mundane and so ordinary you go gee was Lenny Bruce any good but the the real stuff that he was doing was in clubs right so H you know and it's weird too because if you're a comedian out there you know being on Letterman gets you gets you better billing in clubs gets you more money on Club dates gets you wellknown hey maybe work guy will see you and you'll put you in some kind of TV special so it's really exciting to be tapped by Letterman but then on the other hand you go oh man but what could is being tapped if I'm not going to be funny and be me but do you think 14 million makes up for the gutting of his show uh yeah yeah as far as he's concerned he's not walking out $14 million is a lot of money even even with the Clinton tax plan after all goes through and the other thing I wanted to say was in his promos prior to the debut of the show on CBS he kept saying it was going to be the same old Dave well it is the same old Dave the CBS is cutting chunks of it out same old Dave brand new sensors brand new sensors that's the new spot that's the new spot bill is the best show on TV and after watching the the horrific Tonight Show at Jay Lena which I think is the number one cultural train wreck in the country me and my friends watch it every night like the Zer film wondering exactly which point Jay Soul leaves his body I think it comes right at the intro it is funny too cuz I used to go see Jay Leno in clubs in Washington DC like 11 years ago and Jay was very Cutting Edge it was very underground to go see Jay Leno wasn't it seriously Bill wasn't he kind of like he was he was like The Cutting Edge comedian he was the number one comic in the country at one time yeah and then uh it is kind of weird to see the new Jay talking with Joey Lawrence from Blossom I'm sure that was his ultimate comedic dream so Joey good to see you again what are you 16 got a license oh god what have I done with my life yeah they even filed down his draw I heard well I sort of think of him as like a on a stick now you know and somebody's down there working it you know I would love to produce The Tonight Show and really just get you know cuz they were they wrote an article in the paper today how you know when Jay didn't have any competition he was starting to get some young viewers and stuff and now that Letterman's on all the young viewers have left him and now he's you know he's playing a 50y old I think Jay yeah I think he's the only comic in the world playing to an audience older than him yeah and it's it's kind of weird like the 50-year-olds are more comfortable with Jay Leno well I think what it is they have old TVs without remote control they can't get to it to change the channel maybe that's what happened yeah they just glued to that channel 4 but like watching Monty Hall guest host the Mike Douglas show in 1974 that's the feeling I get when I watch the show yeah so Jay you know is sitting there and they keep saying gee you know how could Jay appeal to young hip people and I just said well you know there's a way to produce that show that would loosen him up a little I mean you know Letterman's just got the whole thing locked up but if he keeps up this with CBS well he knows that I think I according to what I read in the paper today Letterman is furious with them and I know that feeling I've had I've had chunks of my show at NBC removed mhm and that drives you nuts because you know that it was a good show right and it part's part of the flow of the show too what is it you can't talk about religion you can't talk about and if Bill hi is doing a wild bit on religion that's what separates Letterman from Leno Leno won't do that stuff you got to have an a venue for new voices and not just me but there's a lot of comics with a lot to say who've sat there beating their head against the wall wondering why my stuff's clean and what you find out is they don't want you to talk about ideas on TV very frustrating too at least remember remember um The Christmas show we did at Channel 9 and they went to cut out have a nativity scene yeah how can you have a nativity scene on a Christmas show I played the Virgin yeah I said you know it was really weird I did a Christmas show for Channel 9 it's special and I said um look the nativity scene is crucial this chichin Chong were the wise men I was the Virgin Mary I had my legs up in stups giving birth to baby Dan foran they wanted to edit out my legs spread in the stups I fought for two weeks they delayed the show they would not show the Christmas special until sometime around Easter and finally they put it on the air you got to well you don't understand Mary uh gave birth in a cross-leg position yes read all about it in my book and then she was out working that day vietamese L hey Bill uh sorry that happened to you well I appreciate your interest and I appreciate U having me on I've before and I really enjoyed it way if you want to see the Bill Hicks um show Wednesday October 27th at Carolines at 8 p.m. see him uncensored in the show that was banned from CBS will you actually do the material that was banned from I do it I'll do it the first seven minutes then I go into my long spiel about uh the value of TV in our culture and it's quite humorous is that again that is Wednesday October oh I think you have a new fan in Robin yeah she'll be down there with her FS come out I appreciate you having me on will you say fcbs on stage uh well I have a new monitor for him the C stands for something else now I got you Bill Hicks Wednesday October 27th go see him at Carolines at 8 p.m. and believe me the lovely Caroline will be there I'm sure too yeah be uh looking at bill in different with different eyes now oh he's been censored he's been censored in all over the newspaper I must support him you know my MTO F Caroline all right Bill thanks how all right bye bye by Bill everybody happy Howard's birthday show (January 1994) birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear Howard happy birthday to you sings Like An Angel this is Tom Jones happy birthday how 40th birthday celebration live from Tavern on the Green hey you know Howard journe all right be quiet I you know I should IM mentioned the the best of Judy Collins video that's out and also the Judy Collins sings Bob Dylan CD that just came out she sings Just Like a Woman Like a Rolling Stone got to serve somebody the great voice of Judy Collins and it's a new CD out in your stores now as well as the video I should have mentioned that but in my excitement I failed to Robin you just got so carried away by the song I suppose you forgot Tavern on the Green is packed now Now with uh so many adoring fans and of course uh you know friends and stuff yes and another friend is standing in the wings waiting to uh wish you a happy birthday who would that be Robin the Indians or make that the Native Americans say he's still at war with them yeah and he says it was Colin Ferguson the man who shot up the Long Island Railroad train oh that made him get married that's what made him decide to get married oh this is great and of course he's the guy who invites you to places you don't belong yd Donald Trump all right Donald Trump is there all right look at my sister she's ready to hop in the sack she loves him yeah she likes him wow there he is look at him he looks different oh there there's my wife yes I think he's beautiful look at Donald he knows how to work the room he's smoing the family fact you know what Donald Trump was telling me Joan Rivers tried to sell him stuff as she was leaving is that right right hey Donal see you you know when you were walking in Donald you're looking better and better what are you doing well it's called having no problems ex that it problems we all have problems life has becomeing I walked in I couldn't get a seat how come Deano gets a seat and I don't am I not you were impressed by the people there I understood no there was there was a couple of cool people I hung out with uh Don King and uh oh J Simpson OJ Simpson and Tony Kain who who was coming on pretty strong to me until my wife walked over and uh and and broke that one up and we were discussing baby yeah that was a great conversation yeah it it was fun though we had a good time but uh actually to clear this up Kathy Lee gord's excuse was she had to stay home and fold napkins that night it wasn't because I was at the party cuz you have friends with her right well she I am and and Frank is a fantastic guy her husband and they're really good people but they do get decimated on this show yeah right they do get decimated on the show there's no question about F you know I got to tell you something out of all the things I've ever done more people come up to me and say what was Donald Trump's wedding life they seriously was that the most asked question absolutely we went on vacation after your wedding and everyone said what was Donald Trump I said all stuff I do people want to know what was Donald Trump's wedding Fascinating People are fascinated well you know Allison it was amazing uh we had really great people there and the biggest people and the only one that anybody talked about were you guys now you know a lot of it had to do comments if he would have said it was a lovely wedding it was beautiful like everybody else everybody leaves say oh it was lovely lovely okay forget them you know the and it can help you I said what marital problem did John has there's no way you can get sick at Connie S there's no way on she's great and John great John's a very talented guy actually John interviewed my wife on a show yeah and as I understand it John uh you were going to ask a question about me and she walked off the set we never even got to it Donald we were doing this we were doing the open to the show and I said listen I want to know about Donald I want to know about Mara and she she got in the limousine crying and your ex-wife which was a high point I mean this is my ex- yeah but let's face it your ex-wife should uh expect that because really her accomplishment in life was marrying you wow so I mean she yeah but she's a good she is she Ivana is a good woman I don't know what happened that particular day but I had heard you were getting ready to ask a Donald question she said I'm out of here hey John the middle of the show too B Lisa gibons wasn't in the earthquake huh really she really stuck by you huh well we're going to keep you Lisa and get rid of John oh great how I got to tell you a story a year ago I was in that darn Macy's Parade right and I'm up there and it's and it's raining and the fans are there it was great hey John hey love Entertainment Tonight all of a sudden in the background I hear hey blonde Frankenstein I was kidding you know I was kidding John around and I said hey you look a little like the blonde Frankenstein it's a little more like like like Herman Monster Herman Monster you know because I got mad that he was with Connie Celica that was all you understand Donald those things happen a guy gets crazy he sees this and he gets wild that's well John you know the the time that I met Connie which was a couple of years ago during this show she she was just at the beginning of her relationship with you and she didn't have sex with him by the way Donald which is hard to believe that joh had that happen how could you not have sex with kind was going to pressure her she might have left I've heard about that is that true much joh could I think John couldn't close the deal that was the problem you could did you try to get her in bed or what I read that I was shocked I would have done whatever she wanted to do let's just put it that way really mean she kept like you said to her Hey listen I think it's time to sleep together you know we we're we're both in love and everything and and she said look I'm born again Christian I can't sleep with you no it didn't work that way it was it was a very private thing Howard Donald would you ever marry a woman who wouldn't sleep with you seriously you'd want to test out I think there's always something nice about the concept yeah and he concept having is good right well having said that I'm not so sure that I could do it Donald you know the truth tell the truth you would have said concept is that that's what we read about yeah you would have said you would have said Jesus schmus let's hop in the sack and and get it on because he and Marlo met in the church that's what I keep reading we met in church and 3 seconds later in the Pew in the Pew you did I mean everybody in church no kidding I'm a religious guy I mean joh were you going nuts though I mean here you had Connie shica maybe one of the best pieces in the world and and and all of you oh my luck now she's a born again Christian were you freaking out where did you meet her what did I meet Connie yeah we met in a health club in Palm Springs what was she wearing like a Fong or something she was wearing the whole the whole deal you know oh yeah and my God all that stuff she looked like she was doing an exercise tape and so all of a sudden you go up and you introduce yourself not a chance I was I I figured there's no way my hair was going everywhere and I had glasses on Sideways and and uh I was about to walk out and she actually said are you John really that's all yeah I was never going to talk and then you asked her out oh absolutely oh man and then and then you figured hey maybe after a month you'll go to bed with me this is kind of fun for a month and then two months and then she kept saying no no no no no no it didn't work that way it was something that we we agreed upon together I I tell you if I had it if I was dating Cony cica she wouldn't go out with me and she wouldn't have sex and all that kind of stuff I there' be there'd be holes in the wall from dents that I made with my head but you know what John it's the way it's supposed to be congratulations that is the way it's supposed to be do you mean by that I don't know how you did it but that's the way yeah right nobody knows how he did it well now Connie's 5 months pregnant oh really and I want to make this announcement it's Donald Trump's baby I didn't want to I something happened no no no it is it is John's baby yeah hey John seriously with that talk show of yours what's with Lisa Gibbons man why doesn't she stick by you what do you mean I don't know what happened you know NBC I'd love to say that I quit but uh NBC decided they wanted a it wasn't the show wasn't doing well in the ratings and NBC decided that they wanted a um a show that was more female oriented and so you had to go yeah they just sort of lopped off my name that was and when you and when you uh when you lost the show did Connie say hey I'm having second doubts about marrying you and maybe second thoughts about marrying you oh of course she did right away she wanted to leave you right but but she's sticking with you no matter what right actually it it it worked out for the best because how you guys how come you how come you guys never cover me on Entertainment Tonight You always uh because that's a good question come on you know I I don't know what it has nothing to do with uh with nobody liking you I don't know what the deal is but John he had the biggest book signing ever never mind that ignore that they did a a piece on the John Stewart show it was his first night they were fing around they cut me totally out of the piece and I was the first guest I was the whole show I don't know what the deal is I mean I don't obviously you know you know the business I don't make those decisions well now that our Feud is over John will you check into that please find out what's going on it is it is I was never I was never having a fe Feud with you Howard you know I am a loyal fan I was listening to you in New York um when you used to have when you you broke Bon josy remember that that's right I sure did yeah I actually broke him in half but um but John um continued success yes thank you for calling in uh thank you I really do appreciate it my love to Connie I'll do that I would love to meet Connie you will have to get together sometime in fact I would love to put together a swimsuit calendar with with her as well what's it like every night I mean I got Donald Trump who goes to bed with Marlo every night I go to bed with my beautiful wife but you guys uh you guys your wies are like 20 years younger than you I'm I'm very lucky let's put it that way all right listen and everybody I tell you what everybody should be as loyal as you are to your wife I think that's wonderful well you know what it is I want to tell my secret I actually watch those tapes that you sell the funniest thing about the commercial is you watch the tape and you know the commercial Connie and John Tes sitting there Connie's beautiful and everything and then they bring in these regular couples who are having marital problems and they watching meanwhile you can see why they're having marital problems guy's wife looks like a buzz hitter in the face written right there that you understand you know but you see Connie sitting there what's the problem is Connie pain Donald congratulations on your marriage you've got yourself a wonderful woman I love Marlin John you were not invited to the wedding I take it I was invited to you would have been John had I known you would have been we were invited to the wedding you were were I think they were I think they were knows how that for recovery but I think you were invited actually when you were in California well there's just so many people joh I understand well John uh thanks for calling in I appreciate you doing that and I'm glad we're I'm glad our relationship is solid and a couple of weeks I like to call you and Connie at the same time and we'll count and we'll Cel you so you know so can I tell you my fantasy tonight on my birthday uhoh my fantasy tonight because my wife was not going to give me she's not going to give me sex tonight so I have to fantasize you understand what that's like you'll see a couple of years that's not true you might in my fantasy tonight Connie Celica and Mara will be getting it on with me dear now what do you think of that what do you think of that that sounds good to me sounds interesting I don't mind say fasy I listen why not but yes oh we have to take a break yeah all right I want to thank Donald Trump for coming here today well thank you and thank you very much and Alison I'm thrilled to see you again thanks for that present and congratulations always good to see you congratulations on your wedding thank you very much and uh I do believe it will last a long time now you do now you do and do me a favor name a hotel after me please have a good time the great Donald Trump everybody thanks for coming me okay be good we'll be right back hi this is Brian May Howard done happy birthday you old bastard it's the 40th birthday celebration for Howard Stern from Tavern on the Green more after this people up in dancing during now I saw Billy West White Dancing during that she thinks she's 12 he made everybody feel young Jackie's wife she thinks she's 17 screaming out there in the whole everybody Lov that Long Island Long Island there you go we're going to take a quick break Robin I saw Dominic Barbera during that dance song his breasts were actually jiggling to the music it's wild out there it really was let me help himself that was great the great Peter Wolf yeah thanks Peter let me uh take a break here for a spot Robin I was just going to say remember that J G's Anthology on Ryo records it's out now yeah it's great Jay gues Anthology on Rhino uh over there as you uh recognize Robin is one of our greatest sponsors the sponsor has been with us I think the longest is Snapple of course and uh we have Wendy from Snapple Wendy is here who is now a celebrity because of the Snapple commercials hi Wendy hi hi Howard how let me say something I think and who do you have here with you uh Wendy I'm I'm sorry who is this with you uh here this is Lisa Lisa Hi how are you fine thank you how are you it's good to see you and Lisa joined us in the marketing department she took my old job Wendy you become quite the celebrity since appearing on the Snapple commercials yes I have and you're excited about it I know that it's really thrilling who would ever dream that we would get 1,500 letters a week huh wow do you really get 1,500 letters we you do we do in the beginning Snapple people do right and well you know anybody at Snapple who will read this and you remember what it was like in the uh beginning uh well I joined them three years ago so so you don't remember so you know I sort of remember I've been with the company longer than you have you have and did you get to be in the commercial and we thank you we appreciate everything you've done well thank you and Snapple you know how I believe in the Snapple product how good I think it is I think it is one of the best products out there uh because it's all natural and when you give your kids soda you should a natural product you must wonder how Wendy got into their commercials and not you yeah that is a that is quite uh I knew that was going to come up at some point well I'm I'm sure there's an explanation Howard let me tell you something you can't be king of everything you know let me be Queen for a Day yes you are the queen for the day absolutely and uh let me just tell you something U no Wendy actually won the pie eating contest that's how she got it oh you know let me tell you something I have a lot of fans out there that like me the way I am I love you the way I'd hop right in the sack with you right now if you ask now I noticed I don't mean to be a crash and cut into your time here but I noticed you brought a present with you and I would expect that Snapple probably bought me something very beauti a thoughtful present not a lot of time went into this one could make the argument that I not a sent really yeah they're not pay CU you right to them follow me Robin yeah we'll take care of it don't worry about it now what rock stars are you hanging out with uh today uh well I'm just I'm expecting Pete to to come in and and uh have a have a drink with us and umon the Chie you're really going to meet with Pete I thought you and Pete don't get along anymore well we we don't get along but he's we're coming in another another round Pete Pete's very difficult he's big pain in the ass uh Roger can tell you this are you guys going to play together again uh he's going to play on the show yeah yeah he'll be part of that one of him is hey Roger I want to thank you for calling in on the show you know I always appreciate that okay Howard you have a great day and I and listen I wish you luck in your conversations with Pete Townsen I know what a pain in the ass he can be very like I say it depends which one I get exactly hey how many it's a great bunch of guys answer a quick question how many drinks do you need to talk to peep be honest I find it better doing it cold sober then you remember it exactly but anyway good luck with that whole conversation I know how trying that can be anyway all the best to you have a great day there he is the great Roger thanks you and Jackie byee there he is Robin uh we have to take a quick break here on the birthday okay all right because we have another guest coming up you're listening to the Howard Stern Show on 97 it's the Howard Stern Show on the eagle this is Buddy hacket and Howard turn you're approaching your 40th Year ah Buddy it'll be a wonderful year the rest of your life will be wonderful you bring a lot of sunshine into people's life and you bring a lot of fret and fury try to balance it out boy nice mix of uh we're back at Tavern on the Green with the Howard turn 40th birthday celebration you got the old generation you got the Young Generation just showing that everybody loves Howard absolutely Rob so many people here let's get to all of them haraldo Rivera is in the wings Howard waiting to come in and wish you a happy birthday is that right he's just back from Los Angeles yes uh oh Max is here yes Max we're on the air right now Max Max is used to working with unprofessionals like con and O'Brien you wouldn't know about being on the Air Max showing off his wife who a little piece of this I was just about to say that haraldo is here from Los Angeles where he just survived the earthquake of course he probably ran out there when he heard there was an earthquake there is called called City surfing when he woke up in that hotel at 4:30 in the morning hey raldo sit down he's Jewish he's hispanic he's haraldo he's haraldo he's everything there is to be you know I'm always amazed by haraldo he's the only guy like you probably ran out to California to be in the earthquake to be in the earthquake so you could grab some publicity didn't youny put on the microphone Scott I must wake Scott up Scott wake up thank you I went to Universal Studios with the kids the day before we did the earthquake Riot yeah what do you do when you go to Universal Studios are you recognized a lot of course do you have a special person though following you Universal is better than Disneyland because Universal lets you beat the line Disneyland you got to stay in the line Alo you can take your kids you can take your kids and you don't have to stand on any line right they what do they Usher you right to the front you go to the exit and you go in that way no okay so no one sees you right okay wow that's unbelievable and do you wear a sign that says I am Heraldo at all since so people will know that that is why you were there so welcome to the backside of life now what do you mean the backside well now you're 40 years old you've just got what 15 20 years left that's right how old are you now haraldo 50 you what 50 he turned 50 last year and haral don't look so bad not too bad no I mean seriously steroids I am really freaking out it not be too bad to be on this side of life I am flipping out that I'm 40 I I saw Timothy L not too long ago and and that's my vision of what you'll look like yeah I know well let's let's hope I take better care of my sweet gford has no sense of humor that's the amazing thing just because we talk about her and criticize her she can't take it haralo you have a sense of humor I I I can laugh at myself I I often do I was laughing at myself this morning even when even when we uh made jokes about you and for while you having trouble getting CC pregnant and all those things you stuck with us even though we said some uh terrible horrible things about your uh impotence and and all kinds of things anyway I mean there were times that I I berated you and you stuck with remember the time I said to you after the Al Capone special The alapon Vault I said your head was as empty as alapon Vault and you got mad at me and I got mad at you and we started going at it and yet we remained friends didn't we what you remain my friend after I said of your penis it was the Angry Inch yes so we can certainly all laugh at ourselves although I didn't think that comment was funny no one thought that was funny but haraldo especially not elepant right where is she hey she that's her nightmare that poor woman hi babe there she is how are you hey get your hands off of heral you sex maniac there she is my wife hates you haraldo by the way oh that's right that was the show my wife hates you no I don't you do hate Heraldo now I like him better now that the show's over that's right it was the highest rated of all those silly that's right my hair hands off my wife just stay on my caral Dominic she's not an ABC Au is trying to offer me 500,000 to fight Joey would you fight Joey but a few you sponsor it the ratings go through the roof I will sponsor it you have to do it at my broadcast boxing club which opens February 1 problem so why don't we do it do it I mean money make you could beat him you know why you could beat him he's not a Bo he's a big guy but he doesn't box tough and strong but I'll jab around him can I say something in seriousness if you want to fight Joey butafuko he's bigger than you are but he's not like Stallone knows how to box he he does not know how to box I think it would be excellent I'd be you're hoping he doesn't know how to box I'd be proud to sponsor it and all the money could go to charity well like Joy's will go to Joey's charity really well maybe Dominic's charity well you know of his belt I got a better idea forget the charity let's put it on pay-per-view I'll promote it pay-per-view be big and you want to do it and we split it I think it'd be exciting I'll do it right now you want Howard's not getting still in jail for another two months all right if he's out Dominic you want to be in on this here comes the bloated attorney Dominic Barbara who represents Joseph but a few ago I am saying right now are you Dominic Are you serious that Joey wants to fight absolutely now do you know that uh haraldo is a trained boxer 40th birthday celebration at Tavern on the Green all right thank you here's Howard Stern and here is the lovely Hostess Robin CRI Howard we have another guest uh ready to greet you on your birthday who would that be on the phone people us talk about this guy's hair now all they say is I can't believe he's married to Julia Roberts of the large band it's Lyall love it hey Lyall how you doing how right I'm great happy birthday to you all right Lyall love it everybody the man I made love to on The Tonight Show that's right you two were a couple you know Lyall when we were on The Tonight Show and I embraced you little did I know that you were going to score Julia Roberts well I I think it really helped Help Me Howard let me tell you you know what I think you know people like say hey lyall's not the best looking guy in the world you know what did it for Lyall he has a good sense of humor is that right that's how I think you got Julie Roberts I was watching your wife on The Tonight Show like a couple of weeks ago Y and she was wearing like a little girl scout outfit or something oh man and all I can think about is you and every night what you must do I mean let me ask you ly and be honest okay cuz you've always been honest every night do you look down at your genitals and say lucky us I mean what do you say I mean seriously how did you meet Julia Roberts you weren't going out with her when I when I met you on The Tonight Show were you uh no I wasn't going with but uh I mean you got her quick and he was free you could have had him I mean that is so great I mean you know what it is like now you can really relax with your musical career because now you got dual incomes you can go out do a record whenever you want she must have made a bundle of dough off the Pelican breed I mean it's unbelievable the party you're having well well it sounds like yall are having a great time there this morning how you're not kidding so how'd you meet her uh I I met her uh uh I sort of went to visit her I I called her up and uh W you mean you just said he a how do you she doesn't tour or anything she's not doing a concert yeah like how do you like what do you call her agent and say I'd like to meet Julia Roberts well we were we were we had mutual friends actually right so I went to visit her when she was doing the Pelican Brief oh really you just went on the set yeah so you just met her yeah he just met her he just he bagged her right away oh my good I'm not stupid I'm sorry I just vomited you move fast L I can't believe it now you know what's going to be the toughest part about being married to Julia Robert something what's that you got to avoid her brother Eric at family party that guy's crazy any have you met the whole family uh I've met most of the family hey you there with Julia now um you know she's at work oh really yeah that's great man you don't have to do anything you just you laying in bed you just lay in bed he yeah Julia's at work she'll be home later it must be unbelievable man I swear this is the coolest move you could have pulled in the whole world America sweetheart Lyle who Lyall or Julia but can you imagine did you ever in your wildest dreams when you were growing up think oh when you were laying to playing with yourself you probably oh my God jul I hope I one day get a woman so you go on the set and then you start Romancing her right you start talking to her and stuff was there this immediate chemistry what was it because ly doesn't have a great personality he hardly talks I know something to really sink you got some content this time and remember this painting is very very handsomely framed yes but the only ask the only PR I got now is that the artist always wants to be well hung yes so when you put that picture up you consider I will well hung thank you Mr Leroy Neiman thank you so much very much wow that is exciting look at that Rob now that's a birthday present an original Leroy nean painting well that is from Infinity broadcasting to you how long does that take to do something like that I did it again that's a how long it take I'd say maybe 3 4 days really but that's quite a bit of hours each day too right wow nonstop you got to live with it and you know get get into it a little bit well how was he yeah well he first started out I got a little bit of uh it started going toward Alis Cooper a little bit then I had to pull it in rain and get a little bit of Lenny Bruce and I had then I eventually I got to the man himself okay and he gave me a lot I think you came you did it you did it I think you did it now you can retire you did it when a man's got a lot of props you got a lot going for your it makes it a lot easier yes oh it's beautiful and a and the important thing in a serious level is you do a a head and shoulders like this of a person you got to get the feeling that he's tall hang it in your house this was given to you as a gift by people who love you by a very famous artist and that deserves to be displayed that's right I don't mind should be wait a second am I getting advice from a man who HS cartoon art in his living room yes you are am I getting advice and a woman who has a giant picture of herself yeah I got to talk to somebody with a little sensibility here are you crazy Robin's hanging huge pictures of your in a dining room I'm an art lover yeah I know you are sit down Baba buy hey look at my father and mother are here what are you thinking come on up maybe maybe you want to say something they want to say my dad is wearing Shades and so is my mother is this a goof they both taking on your look my parents are starting to dress like me my father's wearing Shades and my mother is wearing Shades take a seat dring like he's dressing like me he's wearing Shades that's right that's right prepared for the sun let me tell you something uh Dad I know for many years you thought I was perhaps going to be a failure and I've spent most of my life trying to prove to you that I am somebody and you should be proud today pop I'm looking at a $20,000 commission painting right now and I'm seeing lesbians who eat maggots all in the same room and uh it is a great day is it not Robin what is the story there oh I don't know how po elephant boy I feel so bad for elephant boy well she's hot anyway Gary who is next uh Miss stern oh look who just showed up oh Leslie West I was wondering if he was going to get here for your 40th birthday the great Leslie West where Where Have You Been sit here just sit the mic get on the mic sit in the microphone what's the matter with you Leslie West like he walked here there he is Leslie what the hell happened for my wife my father my mother would have done this I took a train the police took me to a train really what happed to your cars what it's ice the whole Westchester is ice oh the whole thing is ice and Leslie West is here the legendary guitar one of my favorite guitarists of all time you've never played together on your is that right are we going to hear a song in a few minutes well my guitars are com in now all right all right so you need your special guitars Leslie had me here on pens and needles I didn't know if he was going to get here yeah you know Leslie well Leslie is here that's all that counts isn't that the truth all right Leslie you go rest up get the guitars and then you'll do a song look at that Leslie the skinny Leslie was Leslie always has to make an entrance Leslie and Corky Lang you guys have never played together huh not 20 years but I remember all right it's been about 20 years but we're going to get this right for you all right now who else do we want to say hello to before Leslie and corki start playing where's Miss Howard Stern Miss Howard Stern 1994 she's our prize gayi yeah she has a big uh she has a gift for you what is she look great Robin I few for him how are you what to get you so I just got you everything I could think of did you really well you didn't need to get me anything you were supposed to spend that 50,000 on yourself yeah I what have you done with the 50,000 have you spent it at all or I just spent my first few hundred on you I see well uh that wasn't necessary what did you get me I got you a few things well obviously grow wins 50,000 believe me what I really want from you you're sitting on it oh there's nothing to he honey here's the card with those pictures from the back door for the back door that I told you about thank you pictures of you you know what I want I want you to let us paint you as LeRoy Neiman painted me I'll let you do that all right thanks that's actually that's for you and for Allison oh isn't that nice beautiful t-shirts and uh something it looks like a Victoria Secret open that open that open that open the other one I see there's something else oh negl for my wife or was that thank you that's very eloquent one can see why you're the general manager sync brief to the point you got a picture what more do you want from me I believe it's time for you to sing Happy Birthday there you go all right how many candles ready forget the band Leslie Wester if everybody would follow my lead please on key 1 2 3 happy [Applause] birthday happy birthday he sings Like A horse is is Happy Birthday de the loveliness that is I love you thank you Tom I love you birth [Music] [Applause] [Music] to by the way thank you Howard Tom yes Howard I also want to thank you for the Leroy Neeman painting I know you had something were you sitting down when he gave you the estimate of what it was called I mean did you like pass right out Howard I didn't sign that check I know I didn't think so there goes Tom it wasn't even idea it's a beautiful picture really did a great job happy birthday how I do love you appreciate it thank you love you too I just also want to say that uh I know we can't get to all of them but every one of you you know we have a relationship based on trust and understanding I don't trust him he doesn't understand me right abolutely perfect hey thanks thank you the guys actually the guys actually played to my 41st birthday it was unbelievable the song was going for a while there and I didn't know thanks well that was a great birthday Robin you've done it again one of thank every pulling it out again pulled it out again put it back in your pants now I have to say that uh you know there's so many people here I see Larry ratos slowman over there I see uh Captain Janks and king of all Messengers who appears to be a mental patient who had to be subdued during the song He's a little in inebriated I thinked he's got to be I see the lovely Celeste here she is here as well and uh so many of the uh contestants from the beauty pageant Roa and Debbie Tay maggot girl magg name the girl who eats maggots cat Hy of course okay there you go I know all the girls who else did I leave out uh jeez Nancy serani Martin that's right all the W well I don't know Alis and the princess Norris is here Laura lner is over there I see and I see um I see Mary that king of all Messengers is making out with everyone he's making up with everyone Gary throw the microphone on him I want come here here what's your problem man are you drunk are you drunk no I'm not happy birthday Howard thank you you're in a new group now you when you fill up your applications now you're in the 40 to 45 year old group now unfortunately I'm in the 50 to 55 year old group king of all Messengers who calls all of the various Larry King shows and Captain JS who does the same thing how I love you Robin God bless you you I made it from the bottom of my heart does he smell like booze you smell that it smells like Bloody Mar Gary what you smell that I could smell the Vodka your brother you smell fuzul exactly how thank you King stay well I love you I love you too thank you big mistake handing him to mic love you too Celeste is there wielding her way up to the stage so many fans here today you're not on mic and nor will you be on mik and uh thank you Celeste and Captain jenx thank you who else uh Robin Debbie Tay the space alien so many people Debbie you had a what don't read us a poem and I wanted to thank everybody who did the show jeno enough to enough uh s Dresner Lawrence Taylor Paul uh Peter Wolf Governor Christine Whitman Joan Rivers Judy Collins Donald Trump John Roger dalry haraldo Rivera Aros Smith Lyle love it LeRoy Neiman and Leslie West Corky Lang Lang and Randy coven well and uh yeah it was it was great it was great thanks to everybody thank you Gary thank you Robin thanks to Infinity tom chano and uh all the guys sitting here Scott and all the interns that put this all together it's really we should thank cyia linen as well we forgot she was here in May Pang are we so long ago thank you what is Celeste saying did she just yell you she do you really want to know welcome to the 40s man all right thank you fun CEST I thought you had cancer shouldn't you be in a hospital somewhere right everybody see you next year all [Music] William Shatner in studio (1995) right did you read the tabloids I mean I read I said Bill Shatner well all the sex you had me and Leonard nemoy yeah Leonard nemoy too I'm having sex with Leonard no no you no it never said you were having sex with said that's what it said no it said you you Tred to pick up a guy in a bar you know I Tred to hit hit on a guy in a bar I got it right here I was just reading Tred to hit on a guy in a bar and it's true it is true it's true it wasn't at a bar and I wasn't drunk right he was pitching and I got a double right I hit on him no no no I'm reading this thing I said you know William sh I met the guy now five or six times seems like a nice guy you know a working actor into this Tech Wars he's he got video games got all kind of things he's the captain of the Star Trek the whole damn Star Trek crew is out to get you hated you well takai hated you you hated takai everyone I don't Aur has a little problem Aur has a problem with you small problem you go into work for what what did that show last two years years three years you go into work you go there you do your job and you come out and right away everyone's attacking you you know why they're attacking you they're all jealous are they not be honest be honest you got all the CH I have to leave an objetive job you did or there never would have been movies but do they thank you according according to the book you nailed a locker you son of a [ __ ] did you do that I got it right here I read that I went you had some I want to come back as your penis and be a bigger listen you put the moves on nearly every actress what's wrong with that you're a heterosexual you even admit you nailed most of the girls when the guest stes no you never ever nailed that blonde with the with the bun on her head the bun what was that that yman what is her name nurse Chapel no y yman r Chapel was uh was the producer's wife that's right did you get her son of a [ __ ] you really know how to put what do you do what are you smooth or something I mean you're a good looking guy I I I understand that but you're the whole thing you can't keep it in your pants believable heart when did you have time to memorize your lines never you I add liing the whole time how long does it take to memorize a script like when you were like the captain of the Star Trek and instantaneously you have to read it and the stuff you were doing you had a couple of notes to essentially that's what you're doing you read and you got to go on oh is that how you do it well you get a good memory after a while it becomes I mean you have so many notches on your belt you really I got to know about hea way the belt wait wait wait wait there's more than Heather lock hea tip of the I would love to nail her oh is that a hot little minky she is the sweetest and innocent and virginal oh please virginal you found her oh for God s you probably took her was this rock musician who did her had nothing to do with me she knew what it was she was in love with you you gave her her break on TJ hooker it was a just it was a it was a platonic love girl goodlooking girl she sees you you're big star from the Star Trek TJ hooker you're the guy in control she was she falls in love with you of course your handsome man you yes but but none of that worked and she moves around a lot no she just was a virgin A L young protected her B this is the book you got to right don't even try to deny this stuff that's fantastic lock you never got her sweetest did no seriously would he was like be with a with a you believe him let's take a vote you don't think he got head the lock there Fred do you think he did I don't think he got her either Jackie I absolutely think he did I absolutely know he did it's a split vote and I have the time I'm telling you you got her I can't believe oh come on your penis is the Enterprise where no man has gone before unbelievable wait wait let me let let me hear wait a minute you're reading a Tablo yeah here's a guy said when was the last time they printed truth hold this is great this is great Iggy pops guitarist Ron Asherton is convinced Shatner came on to him you're you're 100% on man aren't you have you ever had a gay sex never never I can't imagine Bill Shatner having gay sex well there was that tension between him and Spa well that is true that was kind of gay I I love l i loved his ears I used to nibble on his ears I was afraid it come off in my mouth this is not even a fair accusation you know why listen to the guy's accusation this is ridiculous so the guy goes to a bar in the Hiatt okay yeah has a drink yeah all right and he Dr yeah he's having a drink one night William Shatner was there guy says youy says you had a few drinks okay okay I don't drink he goes I want great so this is what I'm telling you but the whole thing doesn't even sound like gay sex he goes I wanted to talk to him but he kept looking at me like he wanted to pick me up or something that's his story that's the whole story whole story that you wanted to pick him up you actually looked at it cuz Bill Shatner gives me that look that's right I mean at least you got you've got some charm and and and some uh but it says here you do admit that you are very liberal when it comes the sex I I am very liberal that's what it says what does that mean who would you admit that to to Republican it says I am capable of extremely wide range of sexual fantasizing but that's true you're a writer I mean you wrote Tech Wars that's a very sexy book I I think there's a lot of sex so that's true and virtual reality sex that's right you say I have no forbidden ground no taboos son of a [ __ ] well that's the self what did you do to Heather what did you do you had her up on all fours I know you did I can just picture oh yes you did oh I love that are you doggy style forget about stop giving me that look you know are you coming on to me son of a last time I was here you had a girl over there you had your pants down I did and how dare you make an you had I did he didn't even see anything I was here that's the captain of the Star Trek he doesn't lie I stood up for you I stood up right in front of you there was nothing in my pants I'm hardly hung it all all right let me see who else you got made two statements in one sentence all you you nailed Joan Collins Joan now that I believe that she's desperate do you think she's hot well she was then she was then when you got her a friend purely a you get telling us that you never had anything did you get her before or after Larry King cuz you would have go there after Larry King would you oh man Larry King and Angie I can't imagine that he he looked like an insect admit that admit that well no the suspenders did give him a look but I I wouldn't say an insect say Jill Ireland you got I would have loved to have nailed her oh before Charlie Bronson no no no no oh you waited till after tell are you about having a contract on your life first of all Jill Ireland I hardly knew really she was a lovely English lady so you're saying you had none of these women none are youing the truth the truth are you just lying I'm telling the tabloids are just oh they really are they really they're really so you never had that guy even the guy the guy I got a hit off right right yeah double cuz I've never heard that about you you know you always hear rumors this one in Hollywood's gay this one's never about you no he was always the ladies man you're always The Ladies Man threw you out yeah more or less really cuz you were cheating no no really faithful always Marcy got you know what it is she wanted the money right am I right no I don't think signed the prup no no no well we're not going to we we can't talk no prup oh no PR you're back to your old routine I got here I can't believe you would not sign a PR up on your third marriage I just don't believe it it was I it was only the second marriage and and she left you for Scotty was only the second somehow they slip by and you don't think of it unbelievable quite that way they've done them all I I worship you let me smell your hand what is the big deal that is so disgusting I we're going talk about tech War I know you are we're can I smell your hand no you can't smell my hand why then my next impression of you is at the at the awards MTV turn around and your ass was oh that was over two years ago I'm much more mature now oh that's insan your is bigger now oh it is not oh your ass bigger everybody's asses get bigger as the as the years go by you got all the women you got all the women and your ass you let me smell your hand who were you with last night tell the truth a I was alone really yeah I I uh had a you got a girlfriend now MSG uh Chinese meal you have a girlfriend now went home swollen alone he's probably got a girlfriend who makes who makes Cindy Crawford look like a dog who makes humus you got a you got a young girlfriend no I don't I don't go for that oh man oh is that a trible in your pants or no that's trible in my pants that is let me see who else you got according to this article so far and it says you got had a lot clearer it does what is this gun that you were immediately attracted listen to this what what kind of William Shatner was immediately attracted to the 20-year-old Heather of course when they co-star in the hit TV cop series TJ hooker and listen to what one woman says yeah what does one woman say I cannot believe what a fantastic lover William Shatner well sometimes the TBL listen to this no one it no one has ever handled me like Bill there you are who's said B smell my hand now oh come here give me that hand come here here here take a smellie anyway Angie your hand still smells like Angie Dickenson oh my oh please the poor lady she's listening in Los Angeles all just answer me true or false on any of these youa no no come on come Oprah Winfrey oh have you had her now why is that funny she was never a guest star on the show when you say Winfrey wiry if you say it sly it's wi never got over R never thank you thank you now listen William Shatner has ill he always comes here he's promoting something that's fair course we never see him the City by all I understand this is uh a new game you've put out you really are prolific aren't you is that why the other Star Trek people hate you because you have managed to move ahead in your career you're not admired in the Star Trek convention um mentality Neo is my best friend really when is the last time you saw the night before last we had dinner together really we had dinner at and you never fight and you never came on to it I don't believe that go ahead yes everybody should accept it you two have never had problems on a set when he was directing you you never had negotiating problems about money on any of those never had problem thou do protest too much are you coming on to me yes I am handsome man imagine what the tblo would do with this conversation yes absolutely so I mean this is fun innocent conversation and it could get all twisted around get all twisted around and the same thing with uh with anything that L and I might have done in the past and what do you think of his new book you probably haven't even read it I read did and you like it he was nice to you does he say about he say I am spark is what he what he say about me yeah wonder he might those two guys got along long I'll tell you who's bitter on that show I'm going to say it because William shanton is too much of a gentleman Aura bitter and William Shatner slept with her true no never oh please don't insult my intelligence never had her oh imagine IM imagine if you made love to somebody who you were working with imagine I'm I'm trying to get for years I know so there you are she is wise Beyond you would never have a Hur well but not where you're working okay imagine having to to face that day after day Sulu is very better well you watch happens if it didn't go well you watched it go on with the the guy who created the show and aora oh that's right Jee rotenberry true yeah but he wasn't on the set yeah right there was such action going on in that show I didn't know let me tell you who's better I'll tell you why those lines are you kidding if you were Sulu and Aur and God bless and bones and you had to go to the Star Trek avention and that was your only you know sort of fun no more acting roles and you know very very you know maybe some dinner theater here and there and then you are out there William shat Tech War CD ROM a brilliant Game books a wonderful CD ROM game that is beyond anything that's in the market today bones would kill somebody to get a game like this actually he's a great D DeForest gell is great he's recently celebrated as please please you don't have to even go into it you don't have to go very B I think I think bones is one of the few who's not you think bones isn't bitter you know who's the most bitter from Star Trek toward you captain pike that guy captain pike he's dead got a crummy roll he's Furious you know what it is You' got wealth you've got broads coming out of your ears everybody's going to be jealous you're going to have to deal with it no it's no it is the now let me let me hold up again let me let me handle this please all right so William Shatner he sits home he comes up with ideas God bless him Tech War always coming up new things this is CD ROM this is one of those games you plug into your computer today let me recap what we've learned today okay William Shatner has a new CD ROM we learned that when he was on the set of these various television projects his trailer never stopped rocking because earthquakes were on a fault in Los Angeles why don't you write a book would you write your next book there he goes why don't you write recognize that sound it's Gees Mr Shatner why don't you wild geese in the sky above that's a sound I think you're very familiar with there they are yeah one ever have two at the same time yeah two geese at the same time two women you have haven't you son of a [ __ ] last night listen to that sound there's victory in that sound Mr shander come on we get we're playing the music down down leave me alone please leave me alone I'm busy I'm with Angie Dickinson she never was on the show Mr shner open that trailer that's why Lyon Neo won't do the show that's right he can't take it right I'm falling out myself let me let me say something you uh have accomplished much with this I'm going to go take this game I'm going to go watch this game and play it see if I can't conquer this game how long should it take me I have average intelligence you got to go through levels levels yeah all right so it'll keep me busy for a while it'll keep you busy for a while keep your and just retain the the the memory of the odor apparently scent is a great memory stimulant and you listen you played this game and you were able to get all the way through it no I can't get you can't even get through it Creator himself can't get through but I'm a very poor game player are you really well obvious the game players at intercorp uh put it together I see well there it is SL I can never look at you the same way the best lover ever well write a book about it why did you come clean and write a book maybe it should be one of those howto books yeah howto I mean when a woman when a woman goes in the p a video Mr Shanel what is it you do this would be a service to all guys what is it you do in the sack that woman would go it was the best I ever had well if I were to say it to tell you what do you do do you use your no longer I got the title The Woman wrote the title for how to handle a woman CU he was the only man who knew how to handle what do you do like rough him up or something I what do you do you flip him around what do you do you last a long time just give me a hand all of the how all of the above right you think of garbage garbage you what are you think about sick man you're with some of the best pieces of ass no I'm not sick no I really I realize now the you the essence of your charm you're sick I'm a sick man no you know why I've never gotten to experience this stuff I'm so guilt-ridden I could never cheat on my wife or make love to any of these other I can't leave my wife I could never do that I love her I love her and I got I got to stay with her I totally understand that but at the same point I go I wonder what it would be like now you know to to get all these women it's no different really it's all the same thing it's all the same it all depends for you to say oh please no oh please why do you mock You' had so because you've had so many different women and they're all beautiful if they're all the same let me see you I tell you what's true I tell you what's true love makes the difference love so what happens yeah but you but you always fall you always fall out of love why well it takes me 20 years right but you you're you're yeah you you have long long-term relationship long-term relationships and love is what makes sex go around really yeah and you don't have to think of garbage you think of the girl and you just do anything to please her no yeah well that's in the long-term relationship and a love and you'll put your tongue in the smelliest place you don't even care when you're in love you will oh no I'm being I'm just trying to have an honest nobody ever discusses this honestly no no one ever discusses this honestly I mean you notice slight be the sweat well of course because you're the master serously he blocks you are no no but seriously you are the master you are the master when a woman says when I read in a tablet that a woman is saying you made her feel yeah but do you believe the rest of the article which is ludic I believe every word of it pants on Tiny I have micral I don't know if you know I'm so tiny that women women laugh now now you're being oh I'm I'm telling you the truth I'm one inch if I'm I can't even clear my zipper see you you asked him for this I did Ann I was trying to stop him Hur had more in her pants than I did you showed a moment of sympathy and look he's going to tell you everything not going to tell you everything now you're going to be so sorry you gave me any sympathy what time believe all right I all right listen William sha no no I'm only kid really but but what I'm saying is I'm really not good in the sack and here's a guy who women are saying my god when he's in the bed with me it's unbelievable he's like one of the best they ever had he handled me like that's why I always want to know how you do think of yourself think of her think of her the Fantastic 88th FME award show F-Emmy's 1995 the 88 something like that I don't know but uh thank you I'd like to bring out at this point my beautiful co-host s has been with me every year here on the fmes I don't know how many of you've noticed but a lot of the EM shows are now going to the Dual co-host thing and uh that's something I just learned backstage a few minutes ago just want to welcome everybody and now let me turn you to Stage right as the beautiful Robin Quivers comes out in a sexy new gown designed by hon there she is I think he's good yes he's not designing anymore well he certainly came through with your G very beautiful say hello to the four of us me Robin and her two lovelies you can be sure no no no I don't need Jackie to write that hey let me tell you something uh you can be sure that your breast will be popping out of that gown during your big dance number oh I'm dancing toight dancing and singing you don't know it yet that's true that's right and U I would have worn something else if I had known I was dancing by the way Robin will be dancing on roller Bliss what else can you put me a water ski yeah should be water skiing in she'll actually be flying her own little private plane in water skiing on the back of a horse now a lot of you saw Robin dance and rollerblade on our New Year's special two years ago and this time I promise you Robin will actually be [Laughter] moving no stun people to no stun people this Stu what a year it's been Robin I must tell you I am uh quite Amazed by what's been going on I am embedded far into my second book like a corn and a hunk of Duty I have been working day and night trying to get my new book sloppy seconds out onto the stands that's the title that is the title set on that yes Howard turn sloppy seconds did you hear Max this morning he was questioning what that title might be yes well uh H with Max he's not here is he no all right good and by the way this year we also found out our own beautiful Robin wrote a book to free herself and show she could be uh locked up at any minute but you did free yourself this year and yes I feel free and as a matter of fact my staff grew in incompetence this year to a level only a [ __ ] could comprehend and of course my two writers drunk man and king of Mars continue to amaze no one as everybody knows they continue to show up and last but not least somehow my general manager Tom choso got less effectual then uh then more man it stinks on top you know what it's like being on top it's actually just like the bottom except with a limo oh and sorry I forgot to mention Scott the Engineer I left him out Scott you still suck and you're still slower than a crippled snail you are slower than OJ is guilty but you know Robin I didn't mean to leave Scott out or any of our crew but it has been a busy year in fact my movie remains on the verge of becoming a rumor my radio network is in place that's about as substantial as it has been yes my radio network is in place somewhere I haven't seen it and uh my show is number one in all the cities where we have the highest ratings I dree by the way just want to mention this I haven't mentioned it in a while OJ is guilty all right so Robin I am ready for the 88th FM East my very hairy sweaty lip producer a recent Papa has worked his fingers toes to the Bone they both work the same like a monkey he has worked hard I understand you used your feet to prepare these his feet wrapped around a pencil for long he writes with his feet so his hands are free to edit tap don't worry don't worry Rob we'll get you back in the first category according to uh Fafa Floy according to him to prepare to prepare tonight's Gala and remain as useless as Mickey Mantle's first liver he um I don't know what he's doing anyway remind me to Bonk him in the head with an FM statue all right very good now ladies and gentlemen I'm going to introduce you to uh my assistant FL flly who will enel he has the envelopes fi is wearing an ape head no that's not that's my head oh that's your head all I apologize allow me to say I'm sorry through the members of The Academy horrible mistake that's my head anyway FL FL flly uh what is our first category uh best example that Robin Quivers isn't even close to being cured all right our first category that's a ridiculous category Robin Quivers is not even close to being cured our nominees are all Robin Quivers Let's uh go to category number one is Robin Quivers supposed to being cured uh Robin he do even know that I almost cried when I first looked at his book almost cried because I don't think there's one flattering picture of me in it that's I never anything I never did anything I wouldn't put a on you like that just wouldn't do it get my book I'm going to show you what doesn't look flattering and let me tell you something this is unbelievable this is this is all made up I'm not buying that you did not almost cry devastated youed for those pictures I was devastated publicity stun this is publicity stunt I'm not buying it forget it I'm not buying it I'm not buying that at all I almost called you I couldn't even call you you know what I hate this category cuz I I remember all the cookie things you do Tit for Tat I couldn't call you today no it not tit fortat I still can't and how many times did I have to sign pictures that I really found if you think all right there's a category one what does that have to do with being ill or not very good at expecting M uh number two Robin and you for some bizarre reason argue about col and powerwell running for president all right Robin Quivers producer Ross perau you like very much what public did he ever serve I heard Ross perau on TV I heard him speak I heard him talk about his public policy Colin Powell hasn't said a word OH police I'm not talking about politician I'm talking about col and Powell he has never you have never heard this man talk you need a TV show TI of the same old arguments with you every I was reading an interview I wasn't arguing I said Colin pow is not qualified you argue with yourself about Colin po I'm not arguing you're the one your voice the same thing what a silly argument you're yelling and screaming over there about something that doesn't sense fine fine fine let's go on what are you talking about I'm not going to discuss this with you anymore you say what day of the month is wait a second wait a second fun what day of the month is that's always how to am discredit am I right you want me to pull down my pants and you're like we're going to say no go ahead now back yourself into a corner I'm going I'm not going to give you that pleasure Robin fell off a horse yesterday something happened she not the same woman I worked with yesterday she SK why don't you go back and yell at Scott the Engineer I thought that's what you were going to do I tell you you can't even say anything right my opinion is anybody can be president well that's good for you that's all I'm saying I guess that's all you did so go ahead what what else is is going on in the world you don't want to move move on no I'm trying to move on you guys won't let me I keep saying move on you won't do it you know what I don't want to hear this the next St SC you right I'm trying to go on oh my God I don't know how you who's going to this is a five-way tie well wait the next one I'm going to win the award several times yeah what what is it Gary the next one is uh well actually skip that one and go to the next one because I'm having trouble with that card go ahead uh walks out of the studio because the guys were making fun of her for being late to her appearance oh this is a great one this is the this is the one that's going to win oh no Robin walks off the show Robin Quivers producer all I can say is you better just leave me alone why what would happen cuz I don't want to be bothered with you and your opinions of what should happen you and your 5,000 assistance but you're but you're late for everything with you and your 5,000 assistant I don't want to hear so then get 5,000 assistance I don't have time to do that whatever you have to do I mean you shouldn't be late for your book signing just screw you and let's go with the show you shouldn't be late I just wish I was in that hotel room I me not in that hotel lobby when she was informed had to go back and pack but do you understand something she came there the night before which was very good very responsible she she missed the plan all I can excuse me she missed the plan that whole morning you know what I'm leaving the whole morning was the whole morning was free the whole morning was free Robin's pretty well cured she went she had to leave the room because we were discussing her she left the show because we were discussing that she couldn't be on time in Cleveland you I think that wins but all right there's one more oh my God Rob are you listening to this all right go ahead what sorry the the last one is when of course uh you gave Robin a birthday gift that she found unacceptable oh this wins wait a minute you're not cured God not cured this is this is uh what stacked this deck is stacked so are you so are [Music] you wow you are an untapped energy source I've never heard such energy all right this is Robin I'm being framed about OJ I got Robin a birthday gift she didn't find it acceptable there's too much evidence I really don't think that um you have observed my birthday I think it's uh irresponsible and not right for you to say that you have and so since this is just you know it would be like me saying to someone else you know why don't you plan Howard's birthday show this year if I do something I do it right I don't say I have Representatives doing it and that's for me okay you could you're done now and so let's just end any fake observance of my birthday right now we don't have to do anything about it all right fine all right all right I will not even respond to that ridiculous comment and that is the mo that shows me you're not cured cuz it's not for you to decide what your birthday gift is it's not your place to decide what your birthday gift should be you're responding oh my God I am I don't even want to I it's this category over with yeah yeah I ran somebody was here invading my body at some point during the year I don't remember any of that amazing thing about me is I forget all these things I don't remember it either until Fai brings them up wow I think that he had so much material wow I understand that there were more but we only allowed cut him down yeah the maximum was only five per category well anyway of course this is the best example that Robin isn't even close to being cured let me open up the envelope and see which one wins obviously you're going to win I'm sure all of that was taken out of context you have to realize that there was a whole show going on oh this is interesting what Robin wins because of walking off the show that was the one Robin qu's producer accepting is Robin quber why you Inn the first FM I am honored wow you can make a speech Robin and do whatever you want I will accept my statuette in the spirit in which it was given you should walk off the show no I'm very proud I don't think I've won an FME very many years and uh after years and years of service I finally distinguished myself this is actually the first year that uh we thought you were able to handle winning F several years ago we thought you might have walked off the show so uh everyone is very proud that you're able to handle it proves that I have improved maybe not cured but Pro improved congratulations to you rob the Academy I want to thank the academy I want to thank all my cast of supporting players Howard Jackie Fred Gary for finding these notice you didn't thank Scott the Engineer Scott for pulling them well Robin uh I don't mean to interrupt your speech but you know there's a 30second limit oh no I'm not going to be cut off this is my moment I've waited 30 years to get to this Podium what are you a martian I was running around with wire on my head well you are a winner tonight I'll tell you that and congratulations to you and look at the audience applaud of you standing ovation to Robin I'm now going off to the governor's ball thank you very much I think that's an unusual place to put your fm uh that's a well I have to have my hands free for my co-hosting group it is actually in Robin's clevand so that she can have her hands free for co-hosting group all right very good Robin be able to read my notes congratulations to you I must take a break when we come back I have more Awards I might even be doing my that was heartfelt I'm crying I see and uh I'll tell I'm crying you should uh but I still stand by everyone of those things you do all right let's take a break and then when we come back we'll have some more fmes we're going to have uh my song your song is coming up later in the show Robin okay and of course a baba bu's big dance number I always love the Baba buoy number it's the highlight of the everyone loves it Robin in fact I think there's a special category this year best Baba Buie song from previous isn't that right I think you should get the Michael Jackson Vanguard award teeth guard award we'll be back right after these words casting Howard Stern thank you thank you and we're here doing our FME show turns out it's the 35th annual FMS I thought I thought it was the 88th but who's counted we're having a good time time flies when you're having fun yeah boy I'm tired I tell you my wife decided to sleep with me last night she had up been sleeping with me for about a week and that tired you out no she she wakes me I we have a real problem she wakes me up I don't know what it is she puts her feet onto my feet wakes me up and I'm up for 2 hours at least she must work for the competition I'm telling you they must have stopped paying her for a while now the money's coming and we have these huge fights all the time all we do is fight she's like she goes I'm she goes I'm sleeping in my bed tonight and I go great she goes you better not disturb me I go disturb you who cares if you're disturbed so G if you don't get any sleep how do you disturb her I don't I I said yeah I disturb you when my alarm goes off I have to go to work and earn a living what do you have to do you're getting up to go to work yeah excuse me I'll just lay in bed and miss work make sure that alarm doesn't she needs to get a job I'm I'm encouraging her to go back to work is that right yeah I think I think she she's forgotten what it's like I think it's too late yeah I think she's out of the out of the loop I don't think she's job capable anymore oh man I tell you I'm exhausted so she gets in the bed about 1:30 she starts bonking my feet I'm up now I'm up and I'm walking around but you know what you're doing getting so used to not having anyone there harder for you to sleep with yeah so she might as well just be there I want to build a I want to build a second bedroom for her that she can go sleep in leave me alone people are just not meant to sleep together when they have these hours some people don't have a problem with it Jackie do you mind sleeping with your wife yes oh he does do do sometimes yeah it's hard sometimes she wants to stay awake and read and I say I don't worry I can fall asleep and you can't but Jackie doesn't have the same in all fairness Jackie doesn't have the same pressure I do I have to have a voice the next morning well I just wondered if everybody was irritating each other in the bed it has nothing to do with the pressure I think it I think it's just that I've got a very pressured life I mean I got it I know I need a certain amount of sleep you don't hear what I'm saying no I no I know what you're saying in general do people get annoyed I don't think that's what I was asking I was doing a survey I don't think I would be annoyed if I didn't have this situation maybe I would I don't know but anyway so I'm working on building my wife a room but the room is in Jersey so she's upset cuz we live out on Long Island bit of a commute yeah I'm sure going to miss her you might never see her at all now yeah je and she's back and forth see you're a funny guy like I don't know why you got married so T cuz you were saying that your favorite part of that movie Truman yeah was when Harry Truman's wife said she had to go home for the summer yeah that was my favorite part should have been a dance Su yeah Harry Truman is in the White House and his wife goes Harry I don't like it here I'm going to go back for the summer I have to go see the Dogwood bloom in Missouri and Harry Truman goes oh he goes I need you here and I go oh he's smart that may she doesn't feel uh that he's anxious to see her go so I'm going there I'm watching this movie and I go man he no wonder he was a great president you're picking up too yeah he's playing it right you act all upset then all of a sudden in the next scene he really was upset that she was gone and I was like this guy was