SNL Weekend Update 9/13/24 | Saturday Night Live Sep 13, 2024

thank you good evening everyone welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Chay I'm Colin Joe the jury in his defamation case has ordered Donald Trump to pay writer eege Carroll 83.3 million and uh Trump is a billionaire so obviously he immediately hit up your grandma for five bucks well Monday Donald Trump testified under oath in his civil fraud trial though technically he was never sworn into because the Bibles kept bursting in the Flames Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Hershel Walker to drive it to the [Applause] clinic they they ordered Trump to pay 83 million that's how unlikable he is for perspective OJ Simpson only had to pay 33 million for a double murder he didn't even do it oh okay well this this TR in Monday's Iowa caucuses Ronda santis beat out Nikki Haley for second place well that ought to put a whatever this is on his face South Carolina Senator Tim Scott who looks like someone drew Ving RS with their eyes closed Endor Donald Trump but remember most Trump supporters only count him as 3- fifths of an endorsement oh boy after a judge issued a gag order against President Trump trump told reporters that the judge said basically I don't have the right to speak then he added she's like literally killing me then he yelled you're not even my real mom and slammed his bedroom door Kyle must have driven Trump crazy the judge kept telling him to shut up the jury made him pay triple what the victim asked for even the courtroom sketch artist made him look made him look like that lady who got her face ripped off by a monkey the only way this could have gone worse for Trump as if they took away his businesses which is of course what happens in next week's trial everybody watched him last night knew Trump was roasted and toasted right after uh CNN had a poll the debate audience that said Paris won 63 to 37% those are incredible numbers in these days these politics those are incredible numbers I mean those numbers were topped only by the 89% of viewers who rated moderator David mure would [Applause] smash insiders are concerned that President Biden's chances for re-election could be damaged by his unwavering support for Israel but I think the bigger problem for Biden is that he is 6 years older than Israel shame on you a three-year-old girl from Texas has become the youngest person ever to visit all 63 US National Parks unfortunately in the talons of an eagle after Rona santz endorsed Donald Trump he called DeSantis a really terrific person and promised to stop calling him Ron Des sanctimonia well it's like a wise man once said you can be the most worthless Republican in America but if you kiss the ring he'll say you're wonderful well John Cary announced that he is stepping down as the US climate invoy and is expected to focus on President Biden's re-election campaign and it's not a great sign that Biden's campaign is a bigger emergency than climate change in an interview on Fox News presidential Nikki Haley said that America has quote never been a racist country because if Americans were so racist why do they have sex with their slaves after the New Hampshire primary Nikki Haley attacked Donald Trump and called out his quote senior moments which made Trump so angry he almost ripped off the safety rails on his toilet Ron R McDaniel was reelected as chair of the Republican National committee and a closer than expected vote over Challengers harmet Dylan my pillow CEO Mike Lindell Twitter user cat turd 2 Kevin Sorbo Kyle ridden housee and of course Colin Joe's Haley also called Trump totally unhinged and called for him to take a mental competency test and here's some footage of Trump trying to buzz in with his answers ding ding ding ding ding ding see he's fine hasn't lost the step Trump did have a slight stumble this week while talking about Banks and he introduced an interesting new term called dbank Republican repres Republican representative Derek van Orton who looks like if Santa stor the capital argued in front of legislation to bring whole milk back to school cafeteria saying that almond milk wasn't milk because quote milk comes from a mammal then he whipped out his nipple and said allow me to demonstrate we're also going to place strong protections to stop Banks and Regulators from trying to debank you they want to debank you and we're going to debank I don't know what the hell dbank means but he might have to take D ambulance to see the doctor I'm really proud of that a Christmas photo released by the royal family features a bad Photoshop job where Prince Lou's finger appears to be missing and this is sweet Megan marle said she has a finger they can use if they need it President Biden is planning to send the director of the CIA to broker a deal between Israel and Hamas because no one eases tensions in the Middle East quite like the CIA the CIA is like the Draymond Green of peaceful solution it wasn't just CNN even Fox News their undecided voters panel knew that Trump got crushed how many of you say kamla Harris won after everything you saw tonight raise your hands hi how many of you say Donald Trump won raise your hands hi okay so most of you say KLA Harris during congress's during congress's final day before the holiday break the house passed legislation that would end a ban on whole milk in school cafeterias finally let's get these kids thick the man who attacked Nancy Pelosi's husband with a hammer has been found guilty and is expected to be imprisoned until Trump's first day back as president he going to win a new report shows that since the abortion ban took effect in Texas the number of teenagers in the state giving birth Rose for for the first time in 15 years which is terrible news for Texas but great news for my news store Michael Chase maternity prom dresses that's on Fox News those are his peeps I mean who who's going to turn on him next Trump really should have shown more restraint I got to say his Trump Trump's voters his base they were not pleased either nearly one quarter of trump supporters said Tuesday's debate at at least made them reconsider their vote okay okay after Trump was photographed with some strange red marks on his hand some dermatologist speculated it could be something called hand herpes what the hell is hand herpes said Tim Scott I like this crowd yeah Lily Gladstone is the the first Native American woman to be nominated for best actress that's right it's a historic moment her fellow nominees are calling please don't let us win a Volvo crashed through the front of a Whole Foods in a Maryland suburb it was an accident so white that everyone's Insurance went down a passenger on Spirit Airlines was arrested after he repeatedly asked female flight attendants to join the mile high club even though Spirits airplanes can't get above 300 ft Gladstone's nomination comes after several Native American actors were snubbed in the past including Johnny Depp and Lone Ranger the Japanese movie Godzilla minus one received a surprise Oscar nomination for visual effects also receiving nomination the Godzilla prequel Oppenheimer is likely to drive Trump even more insane as one GOP operative said the headline for the next few days will be how he lost this thing I expect him to do something drastic whether it's a campaign shakeup or some other wild antic by the end of the week to change the upcoming news cycle which can only mean one thing bangs good it's kind of good it's youthful insiders are saying that the house January 6 committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump but after this week I I think he's pretty much locked down that Insanity plea announcement I'm doing my first official collection of Donald J Trump digital trading CS or to use the technical term nifties nifties I call them nifties cuz they're so neat they feature incredible artwork pertaining to my life and in my career for example when I was an astronaut or me riding a big elephant Trump guards are semi-retired Maniac Donald Trump has launched a collection of digital nft trading cards depicting him in various costumes including Cowboy superhero and most unbelievable of all guy who didn't dodge the draft her walker denied allegations from a second woman that he pushed her to have an abortion saying I'm done with this foolishness which is also what Walker says when he takes off the condom the woman claims that Walker drove her to an abortion clinic then waited in the parking lot for hours until she had the procedure not only that while he was in the parking lot he got two more women pregnant I'm honestly just relieved that he's wearing an American military uniform it's such a funny move to get into nft after the whole Market just crashed it's like getting into Kanye now which Trump also kind of did Kanye West has now been dropped by Adidas the Gap Balenciaga and all Bar Mitzvah playlists in the wake of Kanye's anti-semitic comments Adidas said it will stop making Yeezy shoes fans of Yeezy say it's the worst thing that happened to them since any puddle bankman freed the former CEO of the cryptocurrency company FTX was arrested on fraud charges in the Bahamas I'm going to guess while swimming in a t-shirt prosecutors alleged that bankman freed took funds from FTX customers to make large political donations that money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren't working Kanye West also abruptly closed D Academy which is a school that forces parents to sign non-disclosure agreements wait we can do ndas said Catholic School priest President Biden seen here giving the eulogy at A Pimp's funeral formally approved new legislation that will guarantee Federal protections for same-sex and interracial marriages in a signing ceremony held over my grandpa's dead body is that bad no that's great Virgin Australia is trying to get people to choose the middle seat by enrolling everyone who sits in those seats a chance to win over 200,000 in prizes not to be outdone Spirit Airlines is offering a free bag of carrots if you sit in the bathroom geia representative marjerie Taylor green who let's just face it is absolutely my type complain that people can buy butt plugs and Target now she also complained that they melt and are shaped like Santa a new a new study finds that during the pandemic students math scores dropped by almost 10% wow so more than half the world's largest Timber towered suspension bridge has opened in Michigan for now said beavers this week Biden also hosted leaders of African countries at the White House for the US African business Forum coincidentally us African business forum is what they call Weekend Update in [Applause] Nigeria the key Senate race in Georgia between Rafael waro and Hershel Walker will move on to a runoff in December but Walker has offer war knock $500 to just you know take care of it baby us scientist us scientists announced they have reached ignition which is a nuclear fusion reaction producing more energy than it took to create and they're hoping this discovery may eventually lead to the remix to remiss rer Murdoch this week officially turned on Donald Trump first the New York Post ran a cover calling Ronda santis Ronda future even though Ronda future sounds more like a drag queen from outer space then on Thursday the post showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline trumpty Dumpty which had to be the easiest Photoshop job in history a new studies found that using screens to stop a child's Tantrums can harm their ability to control their emotions the study is titled Elon Musk and now Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about Ronda santis for example did you know Ronda santis is in charge of a state where some Maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets Republican insiders are concerned that the Rivalry between Donald Trump and Ronda santis could lead to a civil war within the party which is per perfect because they already have the flags foreign e fore [Music]