Best of Between Two Ferns, Part 4: Oscar Buzz, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and more

(upbeat music) - Hi, welcome to another edition of "Between Two Ferns: The Oscar Edition." This is part two. I would like to welcome my first guest, Jessica Cheststain. - Jessica Chastain. - Jessica is an actress. You were nominated for "Zero Dark Thirty." - That's correct. - "Zero Dark Thirty." Is that a movie about Chris Brown? - No. - How hard did you fight to keep all the torture in the film? - Well, you know, it's really important that the film is as accurate as possible, so. - It's about capturing Bin Laden, "Zero Dark Thirty." - Yes. - Documentary? - No, but you know. - Well, who cares, then? If it's not the real thing. - Yeah. - 'Cause you're just playing somebody that actually caught him. - Yeah. - Would have been nice to get the actual person. - Well, she's undercover in the CIA, so no one can know what she looks like. - Well, doesn't she look like you? - I can't tell you that. - So she looks like an average looking redhead with a weird dress on? - Mm. - Oh, they're playing you off. (gentle music) - It's done? - Yeah, you have to leave. - Okay. - Hello. - Hello. - Hi. Welcome. - Thank you. - This is Sally Field, everyone. - Yes, it is. - I had read that you had gained 25 pounds for the movie. - Yeah, I did. - How'd you do that? Eat Anne Hathaway? - Hmm. - Do you look at a penny differently now that you've been in Lincoln? Does that make... does that? - I just have to say something really, really honestly. I hate pennies. I hate them. - So you're not Jewish? - Not that I know of. I think I'm Catholic. - Well, I'd like to thank Sally Field-- - Yes. - For coming to the show. - Absolutely. Very nice to be here. - And really, really, really a pleasure. - Absolutely. (gentle music) - Come with me. - Thank you so much. - You're welcome. - Thank you. - This way. You're going right this way. - We're going this way. - Well, I'm very, very excited about having my next guest. It's a real pleasure to have him here 'cause he doesn't do a lot of interviews and he's chosen to be here. Please welcome Daniel Day-Lewis. - Hey there. How you doing? - What are you doing here? Oh. Emmanuel Day-Lewis. Daniel Day-Lewis. Thank you for coming by. Welcome, Bradley Cooper. - Hey. - Bradley. - Good to be here. - Nice to see you again. - Nice to see you, Zach. - I got your text about how bummed out you were about that it was the start of Black History Month. Are you nominated? - Yeah. - For what? - For Best Actor. Yeah. Best Actor. - How's bragging camp going? Well, I've written a... I've written a speech. - Really? - Since you haven't written a speech yet, I wrote a speech. - That's really thoughtful of you. - Yeah, I didn't... I know you're busy. - That's really... thank you. - Yeah, that's it. - Are you serious? - Yeah, go ahead and test it out. - When did you write this? - Like a... I spent a couple of weeks on it. - Thank you. I've just called Daniel Day-Lewis to congratulate him on his victory. So I wish that I had been able to fulfill my dream of being a talented, respected actor, but the Academy chosen someone better. It just sucks. I'm a loser. - I can punch it up if you want me to. In that speech, you don't win. - You don't... you know you don't make a concession speech. - You should. - So I just don't understand. It's like this is the first time in my life that I'm actually part of something, and you know what that means to me, to be a part of something. That's like my Achilles' heel. I just want to be included. - Well, why don't you join the Boy Scouts or something if you want to be a part of something? - I want to be a part of this community. I found a fellow person that I fucking love. I used to go see your standup all the time, and- - It doesn't really play well. You know what I mean? This victim card-- - I'm not being a victim. - Well, what are you being? - I thought you said we're friends. That's what friends are. You fight with your brother. I watch you fight with your brother all the time. - You don't have to bring that up right now on this internet show. - I'm not-- God, all you fucking care about is your goddamn show, man! - And all you care about is telling people- - Just like all your fucking ferns, man, it's a fucking joke. I can't stand it. - You threw my ferns in my face? - Who gives a fuck? You care more about your ferns than yourself, you fucking... (smash) I'm so sick of your fucking ferns, man! It's fucking bullshit! Bullshit! I'll call you later. (upbeat music) - That was a very strange thing. (thud) (upbeat music) (elevator music) - Hello, welcome to another edition of "Between Two Ferns". I'm your host. I'm your host, Zach. My guest today is Tila Tequila. Welcome, Tila. - Thank you. - You have 3.6 million friends on MySpace. - Yes. - Who's Darrell? - Darrell? - I'm just kidding along with. I'm just kidding. - Okay. - Maybe you and I could be friends, and we could hang out and stuff. - Yeah, absolutely. - Do jet ski? - Oh my gosh, I love jet skiing. - It's always been my dream to jet ski around the world. Maybe we could do that. - Yeah, we can totally do that. - Yeah, it's been really enlightening and amazing to talk to you. - Thank you. - Unfortunately, I have another guest. - Oh, well. I had a great time. - Yeah, will you stick around, though? - Oh, yeah! - Okay, cool. - Absolutely, thank you. - Please welcome my next guest, Jennifer Aniston. ("Friends" theme music) - Hi, how are you? - Hello. - [Jennifer] Nice to meet you. - Nice to you. - Can you? - Should I... is there a? - Can you move that over for Tila, smooth the fern over? - [Jennifer] This fern? - Yeah, would you mind? - No. - Thank you. - I don't mind. Oh God, okay. Oh, look, it's a chair. - [Tila] Do you wanna go ahead and sit here? - Okay. - No Problem. - Thank you. - Just sit there. - Thank you, Tila. - Thanks, Tila. - Nice to meet you. - Oh, good to meet you, too. - Thank you. - So welcome, Jennifer. Thanks, happy to be here. - Tila, tell Jennifer a little bit about yourself. - Oh, well, I sing, and I did reality shows. It was actually I had my own reality show. - You had a reality show? - Yeah. - What she would do is she'd have a lot of people to fight over her to like maybe get in bed with her. - How did that go? - Sound familiar, Jennifer? - Sorry? Sorry? Oh, so you're a Greek. - Mm-hm, yeah. - And I'm Greek. - I know. - And you changed your last name for show business. - But you kept it. You were committed to the. - No, my name is shortened. - It was? - It's Galifianakisberg. - Mm-hm. - What stuff do you have working on, Jenny? - Well, this movie that we're supposed to talk about, which is "Just Go with It" with Adam Sandler. - I've also worked with Adam Sandler, too, on a film. - Oh really? - Yeah. - What's he like? - Really nice, and he's just, right? Isn't he really funny and nice? - Yes, one of the nicest. - Did you guys hang out a lot, Tila? - Yeah, absolutely. Afterwards, we'd go hit the trailer and snackin' a bunch of food. (Zach laughs) He's a lot of fun. He's a great guy. - That's a great story. If you were forced to choose one state in the U.S. to be struck with a nuclear weapon, one state, or else, the entire country would be destroyed, which state would you choose to annihilate? - (laughs) I'm just not gonna do that. - Oh, so the whole country is gonna be destroyed by nuclear weapon. - I don't think, well, that's not gonna happen. - Tila, who would you? - Rhode Island. - Rhode Island. - Okay. - Wait, hold on. Go ahead. (Speed Stick rattles props) - Oh, geez. - Speed Stick, deodorant for your B-O-dorant. - That is so cute. - Tila, you probably have had a lot of wild adventures as far as like - Oh, yes, absolutely. - Romance is involved. You ever done anything like in a car or anything? - Oh, the car. - You know what? I'm so sorry. I don't mean to interrupt. - I got a blow job once on a motorcycle. - I'm gonna let you guys finish 'cause I think you are actually, this is unfinished business. So why don't I come back? I'm gonna go and hit the green room. - Sure, we're all up for that. - Did you get enough questions out there? - I had another question, if you don't mind. - Well, what?. - No, it's for Tila. - Yeah, you know what, Zach? ("Friends" theme music) You're fat. (elevator music) (upbeat music) - No, I'm just saying that I interviewed the president last time and now I've gotta, you know, go back to interviewing dumb actors. It's all I'm saying. No, it's fine. It's fine, he's a big star. (clearing throat) Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis. My guest today, Bradley Pitts. Bradley Pitts, thanks for joining me. - It's my pleasure. - How old were you when you lost your virginity? Zero? I'll tell you about my, when I lost my virginity. - I'd would really not like to hear that. - Showers. Why don't you take them? (exhales deeply) You play a lot of people that are kind of Nazi haters, which is weird to me. - Why do you say that? - Because you look like Hitler's dream. - Huh. Yes, I understand the conundrum of it all. - Naked pictures of you were in Playgirl magazine many years ago, and I only know 'cause my dad got a subscription for me after I graduated from junior high school. And anyway, tell us about this movie "Furry". - It's "Fury". - "Fury"? It's not "Furry"? - No. - When does that come out... on DVD? (groaning) I got you a gift and it's, do we have the gift? Oh, it's right behind the fern there. (laughing) - Geez, I wonder what that is. - It's a bassoon. - I thought it was a bowling ball. You know, I'm a-- Thank you. You know I'm a dad now. - That's a bassoon. You can play 'em for your kids. - Yeah, we don't bassoon in my house anymore. - This is off topic just a bit. But, do you mind if I borrow one or two of your sperms? - Uh no, I think that would be inappropriate. - Okay, it's just written down here. I have to ask. - I understand. - After a big meal on Thanksgiving, do you ever unbutton your pants and just sit back and go, (slapping) "Oh boy!" - Don't recall doing that. - You do a lot of charity work. And I think that it's really great thing you do. I was wondering if you could maybe tell us about some of your charity work. 'Cause I also am involved in a lot of charity work myself. - Like what? - I work with this one group called Doctors Without Diplomas. So Brad, tell us about your charity work. - Yeah, it's something I'm very proud of. It's called the Make It Right Organization. We started building in the lower ninth after Hurricane Katrina, - Hold on one second. I have to liven this up. ♪ Louie, Louie, Louie ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K. doing stand up. - Hey, how's it going everybody? Great to be here in New York and uh It's a crazy town. There was a couple of rats on the subway and I thought they were either Ebola or ISIS. I was like, get out-- you know, get out of here, rats. - Thank you. ♪ Louie, Louie ♪ He looks like the reverse Benjamin Buttons, doesn't he? 'Cause he gets older and fatter. I'm playing you off- - Who are you talking to? - I was talking to my good friend, and then about you. He was in "Benjamin Buttons". He was in it, that's why I said it. He's in that movie. - That guy? - Yeah. - Who'd you play in "Benjamin Button"? - He's Benjamin Bottoms, Buttons. That's the guy. You can't recognize him 'cause of the makeup stuff. - Yeah, I was in makeup. - I don't care. ♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪ - When you and Clooney get dressed up in your tuxes together, do you ever kind of look at each other and go, "Aren't we a couple of dapper Dan's?" - Never happened to my recollection. (chewing) (groaning) - Is it hard for you to maintain a suntan? - Why? - Because you live in your wife's shadow. 'Cause I too, I had a romantic thing with someone that was, (coughing) - I'm sorry. - I had a romantic fling that was... - That was my last piece. - Public and it got on my nerves, and because she kind of out shined me. - That was my last piece. - I had the same thing with Condi Rice. - Oh, really? - Tell me what it was like the first time that you laid eyes on Angelina. Was it like one of those classical love stories? Like when, I don't know, when Ross first saw Rachel? You know that show Friends? Have you seen that? ♪ I'll be there for you ♪ ♪ When the rain starts to ♪ - I like that song. - Do you think people focus maybe too much on your looks and don't even realize that you're just a shitty actor? (grunting) (spitting) - Next question. (upbeat music) (gentle music) - Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis. Welcome to "Between Two Ferns." I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis. With me today is Timmy Kimballs. Jimmy, thank you for joining me here. - Thanks for having me. - Uh, you're a late night talk show host. What's it like to be in the late night business? - I mean, it's great, you know. It's like something I always wanted to do when I was a kid. I'd watch Letterman and it's really like a dream come true. - You ever farted on a Cocker Spaniel? - No. No, I can't say that I have. - Do you want a beer? - Seemed like that one was open. Thanks. - Maybe loosen up a little bit. - It's nice and warm. Just the way I like it. - Bet you can't do that on your show. - I, yeah, I could, I mean, there's no rule against it. I just, it's not something I would do. - Your girlfriend is Sarah Silverman. What's that like? - People always ask, "Do you guys just crack each other up all the time?" and that, you know, that gets tiring. - You and Sarah, Sarah being a comedian, do you guys always crack each other up at home and stuff? (Jimmy scoffs) I like to, uh, go to Long John Silver's and be shocked at how much the prices are. And then just look at the cashier and go, "Only in New York." - Heh. - You and Sarah could do something like that. - Yeah. Well, she doesn't like fish. What? - I know what that means. - What? - (chuckles) Yeah. That's good, man. Doesn't like fish. The Ben Affleck thing that you did- - The what? - Ben Affleck. - Oh, Ben Affleck? - How close did you get to, um, Ben Affleck's lips? - I, (chuckles) I got pretty close to them. - Did you ever do takes where you're closer to his lips? - Than the ones that were on the video? - Yeah, like in the rehearsals and stuff. - No. - You got girl lips. - (chuckles) Thank you. - Yeah, you're welcome. Ah, we got to have a, sorry, we have to have a word from our, our sponsor. - Hi, I'm Barry, of Barry's Bananas. Bananas so good, other bananas enjoy them. - Sorry. - Our bananas are so delicious, I guarantee you'll peel them apart. - Enough! Enough! (stammers) This isn't between two bananas. But, I mean, going on and on about banana stuff is... Do you like bananas? - Hmm? (gentle music)