A Summer Affair by Elin Hilderbrand (Part 1/2) - Audiobook Romantic Novel

a summer Affair written by Ellen hilderbrand read by Isabelle [Music] keing prologue The Invisible Thread that binds her to him March 2003 the guilt was like a clump of tar in her hair warm and sticky impossible to remove the more she fingered it the worst things got tar gummed her hands she tried water but it formed a slick milky film she needed scissors turpentine the tar had been real back when Claire was four or five back when she and her parents lived in the first house in Wildwood Crest a shoe box that Claire didn't remember living in but that her mother was fond of pointing out when they drove through that part of town Claire had been playing at the edge of the road which was newly paved she had been unsupervised things had been different then with child raising and when she came inside with the tar weighing down one side of her head an ooey gooey licorice mess her mother had said with bald matter of fness it will never come out just like the guilt on that morning in March the phone rang early Claire was exhausted and parched and the kids were everywhere Shay had been the baby then and she was eating the scrambled eggs that had fallen from JD's and 's plates to the floor Claire scooped the baby up and grabbed the phone Siobhan of course no one else would call before 8 on a Sunday except for Siobhan who was cla's best friend and sister-in-law the wife of Jason's brother Carter Siobhan was Claire's soulmate her darling her Defender her reality check and the night before her partner in crime they had been out on the town together drinking which happened so rarely that it qualified as a big deal Siobhan would be calling to talk about it remember it relive it parse it deconstruct it Moment by moment a lot had happened have you heard Siobhan said heard what oh god Siobhan said sit down Claire carried the baby into the front sitting room which was never used it was however the perfect place to accept bad news what is it she said in their bedroom Jason was sawing logs she could hear him through the wall it was a strictly enforced rule that he' be allowed to sleep in on Sunday day of rest and all that would she have to wake him fidelma called from the police station Siobhan said there was an accident Daphne Dixon hit a deer and flipped her car they flew her to Boston is she Claire didn't know how to ask alive yes but just barely I think messy gooey insoluble it will never come out she was drunk Claire said smashed sioban said there had been seven women Claire sioban Julie Jackson Delaney kit Amy Trimble Phoebe Caldwell and Daphne Dixon one of these things is not like the other Daphne was a summer resident which is to say very wealthy who had recently decided to move to Nanuet year round Claire knew her slightly they had met at a a pool party and Daphne and her husband had taken an interest in Claire's glass blowing they might want to commission a piece someday who knew CLA liked Daphne or she was flattered that Daphne seemed to like her she had bumped into Daphne at the dry cleaners Daphne picking up what looked to be 50 cashmere sweaters Claire had said come out with us on Saturday night they went to the spacious Walnut Bar at the brand Point Grill where there was live Cabaret Music Daphne had been wearing a diaphanous top and a red silk scarf around her neck it was clear from the beginning of the night that Daphne was letting loose she was relaxing with the local crowd she was allowing herself to go a little crazy this wasn't like the buttoned up scene in Boston she said Booz in Claire's ear there had been a lot of drinking countless glasses of chardonay and a few Rosy cosmopolitans for the other women and Margarita's no salt for Daphne at the end of the evening Claire went to the bar to order herself a diet coke before the room began to spin and Daphne said and a margarita no salt for me please Claire one Diet Coke one Margarita no salt please Claire told the bartender now in the sitting room that no one ever used Claire picked stray yellow flecks of dried egg out of the baby's duck fuzz hair her mind racing Daphne had already had a lot to drink when Claire bought her the margarita how many drinks had she had exactly Claire hadn't been keeping track was one more the difference Claire had wanted Daphne to be happy she had wanted da to have fun Claire was the one who invited her along Daphne had already bought a round of drinks several rounds it seemed in retrospect that Daphne had been pulling out money all night leaving lavish tips for the bartender throwing $60 into the fish bowl on top of the piano for the Cabaret singer Claire had been relieved to reciprocate to order Daphne and Margarita no salt and pay for it smashed Siobhan said the margarita wasn't the problem the margarita itself hadn't done any damage the problem was that when the night ended when the bar closed and the seven mothers Spilled Out onto Easton Street Daphne had climbed into her car a Lincoln Navigator Claire and Siobhan and Julie Jackson got into a cab and they had encouraged Daphne to to join them in the cab come on Daphne there's plenty of room let us take you home in Claire's mind the details were smudged what she remembered was that they had encouraged Daphne to get into the cab but they had not demanded it they had not said you shouldn't be driving or we're not willing to let you get behind the wheel of a car though that was what they should have said the woman had consumed any number of margaritas and then strolled away across the street and into the darkness jangling her keys her Red Scarf trailing elegantly down her back Claire had been too intimidated to stop her CLA had thought she is Rich enough to know what she is doing Claire Sat by the phone waiting for Siobhan to call back with details from fidelma her Irish connection at the police station who was getting information from her cousin Neeve who worked as an intensive care nurse at Massachusetts General Daphne's going into surgery it's touch and go they don't know what they're going to find Daphne was going 60 M an hour down the rid dirt road that led to her house 60 M an hour the car must have been rocking like a washing machine and then the deer from out of nowhere she cut the deer in half the car flipped onto its side no one saw or heard the accident the road was lined with summer homes and it was the middle of March no one was around Daphne was pinned in the car unconscious the person who found her finally was her husband lock Dixon after calling her cell phone 40 times and getting no answer he left their 10-year-old daughter Heather asleep in the house and set out to find his wife she was 200 yard shy of the driveway Claire cried she prayed working her way around the rosary beads while her children watched Sesame Street she went to church with all three children in need of a nap and lit four candles one for Daphne one for lock one for the daughter Heather and one inexplicably for herself it's our fault Claire whispered over the phone to Siobhan no baby it's not Siobhan said Daphne is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions we told her to get in the bloody cab and she refused say it with me she refused she refused we did what we could Siobhan said we did our best tense hours spun into tense days Claire's phone rang off the hook it was Julie Jackson Amy Trimble Delany kit all Witnesses I can't believe it Julie Jackson said I know Claire said her heart pounding the guilt rising in her throat like bile she was so drunk Julie said I know and then she drove Julie said I should have made her get in the cab CLA said M Julie said I feel horrible there was a long pause during which CLA could feel pity rather than a sense of shared culpability are you going to I don't know set up Meals or anything Julie asked should I Claire said this was what they did when someone was sick or had a baby one person organized and everyone signed up to take food was Claire the one who should organize she didn't know Daphne well enough to send over a parade of unfamiliar faces with covered dishes let's wait and see what happens Claire said thinking she has to live and be okay oh Lord please keep me posted Julie said and know I'm thinking about you about me this was meant to be comforting Claire knew but it gave texture to her shame people would hear about Daphne's accident and think of Claire thanks CLA said Daphne survived the surgery she was hospitalized in Boston for weeks though it wasn't clear what was wrong with her there were no broken bones no spinal cord injuries thank God and no significant blood loss there was a concussion certainly and some other problems that fell under the umbrella of head injuries there was Amnesia of A Sort and here the stories varied did she know her name did she know lock and Heather yes but she didn't remember anything about the night out and when lock told her who she'd been out with Julie Jackson Claire Danner Crispen sioban Crispen Daphne shook her head I don't know those people the memory came back eventually but certain things were rattled out of place she wasn't the same she wasn't right there was some irreparable damage that had no name the guilt stayed with Claire she was the one who had invited Daphne to come out in the first place she had bought the last godforsaken drink when Daphne had already over imbibed she had tried to gajol Daphne into the cab but she had not dragged her by the arms the way she should have she had not called the police or Enlisted the help of the bouncer she turned it over and over in her mind sometimes she exonerated herself how could this possibly be construed as her fault but the truth was brutal Claire had failed to exercise the common sense needed to keep Daphne safe a sin of omission perhaps but a sin just the same it will never come out when Daphne came home from the hospital Claire filled a basket with homemade clam chowder and chicken salad and two novels and a jazz CD and some scented soaps something was wrong with Daphne mentally that was the rumor but no one knew what exactly Claire sat in the car outside the Dixon's monstrous summer home for a long time before she summoned the courage to take the basket of goodies to the front door she was propelled forward by Gil guilt and held back by fear if Daphne opened the door what would CLA say she knocked timidly feeling like Little Red Riding Hood with her basket then she chastised herself she was being ridiculous Siobhan liked to point out how ironic it was that CLA was named CLA or clear because Claire was blurry no boundaries Siobhan would shout all her life Claire had had a problem figuring out where other people ended and she began all her life she'd taken on the world's hurt she held herself responsible but why footsteps approached Claire stopped breathing the door opened and Claire found herself face to face with lock Dixon he was as everyone knew a terrifically wealthy man a billionaire though it was now rumored he would sell his superconductor business in Boston it was rumored that he was going to live here on Nantucket full time and take care of things until Daphne was herself again hi Claire said and she felt her cheeks Bloom she thrust the basket at lock and they both peered in at its jumble of contents soup soap CLA didn't know what dapne would want or need but she had to bring something CLA knew lock Dixon casually they had had the conversation about glass blowing about cla's hot shop out behind her house but would he remember CLA was sure he would not remember she was not memorable she was frequently mistaken for every other redhead on Nantucket this is for Daphne oh he said his voice was husky as if he hadn't used it for days he looked older to her Bolder and heavier thank you I'm Claire Danner she said Crispen yes he said I Know Who You Are he didn't smile or say anything further and Claire realized that this was what she had been afraid of it hadn't been Daphne at all but luck he knew about the margarita and the other ways that CLA had failed his wife and he blamed her his eyes accused her I'm sorry Claire said there was a funny smell coming from the basket the clams gone bad the chicken salad rancid Claire was mortified she should say something else I hope Daphne feels better please give her my best but no she couldn't she turned fled for her car part one chapter 1 he asks her early fall 2007 Claire Danner Crispen had never been so nervous about a lunch date in all her life what do you think he wants she asked Siobhan he wants to Shag you Siobhan said then she laughed as if the idea was Preposterous and hysterical which indeed it was lock Dixon had called Claire at home and invited her to lunch at the Yacht Club there's something I'd like to talk with you about he'd said are you free Tuesday Clare was taken completely by surprise when she'd seen his name on the caller ID she'd nearly let it go to voicemail yes yes I am Tuesday it was something to do with the Charity she decided since selling his company in Boston and moving to Nantucket year round lock Dixon had graciously agreed to serve as the executive director of nantucket's children the Island's biggest nonprofit organization graciously because lock Dixon was so wealthy he never had to work again Claire had joined the board of directors of nantucket's children right before she became pregnant with Zach but because of her fall in the hot shop and Zach's premature birth and all the complications thereof she had been little more than a name on the letterhead still it was the charity now that connected them but There Was An Invisible Thread too the unspoken accusation about Daphne's accident did Lo want to revisit the night of the accident now years later Claire Fred she buttoned her cardigan wrong she nearly locked her keys in the car in the yacht club parking lot and yet once Claire and lock were seated overlooking the trim Yacht Club lawn and the Blue Harbor Beyond it was he who seemed nervous worked up agitated he wiggled in his RW iron chair he fussed over what CLA might order from the menu get anything you want lock said get the lobster Sal at anything after their orders were placed and small talk was exhausted there was a dramatic pause in the conversation a making way a throat clearing Claire nearly laughed she felt like she was being proposed to would she consider chairing the nantucket's children summer Gaya the following August Claire filled with relief it felt like laughing gas it felt like she might levitate it felt like the Invisible Thread had been snipped cut she was free from the awful weight that attended her connection with Lo Dixon was it okay then to imagine that the accusation she had seen in his eyes years earlier had been nothing more than a figment of Her Imagination she was so caught up in wondering that she didn't respond in truth it would be be fair to say she hadn't even heard the question it was like the time She fainted during track practice when she was 17 and she became convinced that she was pregnant she was dead certain she had Matthew ready to sell his guitar so they could pay for an abortion but she cried herself to sleep worried that she was going to burn in hell and she decided to keep the baby her mother would raise it while Clare went to college when Clare went to the doctor he said you're not pregnant the problem is that you have anemia anemia she had shouted the word with Glee chairing she said now it's a lot of work but probably not as much as you think you'll have a co-chair I know you're busy but yes three children and a baby and a glass blowing business put on hold for the foreseeable future so she could focus on her family she was not the right person to ask not this year maybe down the road when she had her head above water then it dawned on CLA why he was asking her the summer Gayla was a concert lock was coming to her because they wanted Matthew to perform Max West her high school sweetheart now one of the biggest rock stars in the world Claire took in some of the rarified yacht club air there were a million thoughts zipping through her mind Jason would kill her Siobhan would laugh and call her a pushover No Boundaries Margarita no salt it will never come out would Matthew do it if she asked she hadn't spoken to him in years he might he just might anemia nantucket's children was a good cause the best cause trumping all those thoughts was this lock Dixon was the one person Claire could not say no to what had happened the night of Daphne's accident hung in the air between them unfinished business it hung between them in a way that made Clare feel she owed lock something yes Clare said I'd love to really I'd be honored even though she had four children to raise even though she hadn't blown out so much as a single goblet since Zach was born really lock said he sounded surprised absolutely she said well okay then Lo said he raised his sweating glass of iced tea as did Claire and they touched glasses sealing the deal thank you Jason was going to kill her they had been married for 12 years together for 14 they had met here on Nantucket during the hottest summer on record Jason had been born and raised on the island he knew it inside out and he took pride in sharing it with Claire each day was like a present they went clamming naked at sunset on the Southshore they went skinny dipping in the private swimming pools along Halbert Avenue Jason knew which pools had security systems and which didn't theirs was in every aspect a Summer Romance Claire had just graduated from Ry with a degree in glass blowing she was torn between taking a job offer from Corning and teaming up with a traveling crafts fair and seeing the country Jason had graduated from Northeastern with a degree in political science which he declared useless four Wasted Years he said of college except for the beer and the proximity to Fenway and the introduction to dville but she was pretty sure he was only saying that to impress her he wanted to live on Nantucket and build houses they were in love that summer but what CLA remembered was how temporary it felt how fragile fleeting ethereal in truth they barely knew each other Claire told Jason about her years with Matthew Max West the max west of this could be a song but Jason didn't believe her didn't believe her he didn't believe she could blow glass either she showed him her goblets and footed candy dishes he shook his head in Wonder but not in acknowledgement they sailed on Jason's Hobie Cat they fished for scup and stripers they Dove off the boat Into the Dark Water they had bonfires at Great point and slept under the Stars they had sex with the wild abandon of two 20-year-olds who had nothing to lose they hung out with Jason's brother Carter who was a chef at the galley and Carter's girlfriend sioban who hailed from County Cork Siobhan wore square glasses and had dark freckles across her pale nose like pepper over mashed potatoes Claire fell in love with Carter and sioban as well as Jason and one night she was drunk and bold enough to say what if I don't go to Corning after Labor Day what if I stay on Nantucket and marry Jason and Siobhan you marry Carter and we raise kids together and live happily ever after they had laughed at her and Siobhan told her to piss off but she Claire Danner had been right and they were now all of them crispens 10 strong including the kids it was storybook except that it was tough frustrating boring reality Claire and Jason had gone from being two kids with no tan lines and sand in the cracks of their bums to being Mom and Dad the heads of a mini Corporation the Crispen family of 22 Featherbed Lane Jason had worked for Eli Drummond for years and on the weekends he slaved on the own house as well as the hot shop for Claire Outback then Jason hired four Lithuanian guys and went out on his own Claire cultivated five clients with audite and expensive taste in art objects made of glass she gave birth in quick succession to JD Odie and Shay CLA worked erratic hours after the kids went to bed before they woke up then when sheay hit preschool CLA worked more everything was okay fine good at times but there were bumps Jason started smoking at work smoking and trying to hide it with beer or breath mints Jason became resentful when Claire turned him down for sex she tried to explain to him what it felt like to be pawed by three kids all day she was their slave their employee she worked for them was it any wonder that when the end of the day came she wanted to be left alone Jason had never been intellectually curious after that first summer he never mentioned to teville name again and over time he became incourage sucked into the television CLA found the TV maddening the channel surfing the sports Jason drove a pickup that was as huge and black as a hearse a gas guzzler he affectionately called Darth Vader Darth Vader Claire said incredulous that she had married a man who treated his truck like a fraternity brother or a pet the kids like it Jason said the truck the love affair with the tube the sneaked cigarettes and the early morning breakfasts at the Downey flak so that Jason could touch Bas with his son subs and hear about new business all of it served to push Claire to the brink but there were also many wonderful things about Jason he worked hard and provided for his family he prided himself on being simple and straightforward honest and true he was the right angle of a t-square the bubble in the level always locating the center what you see is what you get he adored the kid kids he had a foot soldier in their son JD JD helped Jason with projects around the house rolling paint onto walls turning the screwdriver while sucking intently on his bottom lip I'm dad's wingman they built a go-kart using an old lawnmower engine they went scalloping together and pulled Cherry Stone clams out of the wet marshy sand with a tool Jason had fashioned from a piece of PVC pipe you'll never go hungry with the Crispen men around Jason was exemplary with the girls too father of the year he delivered Ellie and sheay to dance lessons he bought them bouquets on the day of their dance recital and he whistled louder than anyone else in the audience he tirelessly explained that oty was an old-fashioned French name we wanted something unique he said beaming with with pride when Claire got pregnant with Zach things were going smoothly she was working on a huge commission for her best client chick clawen a sculpture for the entry of his offices on West 54th Street in Manhattan she planned to be finished with a commission right before the baby was due Jason was happy because he was deep in his soul a procreator he would have had 10 kids if Claire was willing a a stable of kids a posy a football team A Tribe the Crispen Clan when Claire was 32 weeks along she was in the hot shop working on the Clawson commission she had a week or two of work left at the most at the most she promised Jason even though her doctor wanted her to stop too hot in there he said not safe for you or the baby CLA was working very hot it was finish work shine and polish she was not drinking enough water and She fainted She hit the floor cut her arm broke two ribs and went immediately into pre-term labor on the medflight jet they told her she would most likely lose the baby but Zach had lived they took him by emergency C-section and he spent 5 weeks on a respirator in the NICU he lived CLA healed Jason was shaken to his core he had been standing there as they sliced Clare open CLA whose body had sucked in two bags of IV fluid in less than 30 minutes so advanced was her dehydration and he had fully expected them to pull out a stillborn but then the cry it was a revelation for Jason it was his Born Again moment the moment when an adult man who thought he knew everything learned something about the human condition he sat next to Claire's bed as Zach spent the first of 35 days in the NICU and he made CLA promise she would stop working for a little while he said have a studio finish the CLA in commission this was as close as he came to blaming her but no matter Claire blamed herself as she had blamed herself for Daphne's accident her blood type was the rare AB positive the universal acceptor and that was all too fitting give her the blame the shame all of it she had no boundaries she would take it on she agreed to stop working she gave the Clawson commission to a glass studio in Brooklyn to finish Zach captured Jason's heart and cla's heart too because they came so close to losing him even now 7 months later Claire woke up in the middle of the night worrying about the lasting effects of her fall she watched Zach willing him to respond to her in an age appropriate way wishing that his eyes would show that glimmer that promise that her other kids had shown intelligence motivation determination since Zach's birth she had lived with the whisper there's something wrong with him she constantly badgered Jason do you think something happened when he was born do you think there's something Dr Patel isn't telling me or something she didn't see to which Jason always responded for Christ's sakes CLA he's fine but that sounded to CLA like denial it sounded like Jason was blinded by love how was she going to tell Jason about the Gayla Claire waited through dinner Fried Chicken Jason's favorite she waited through bath and stories for the girls and a shower and homework for JD she waited until Zach had his bottle until Jason was relaxed on the sofa remote control in hand the TV was on but Jason had not committed to anything yet now was the time to tell him this was their life now but Claire could remember Jason naked and grinning with a clam rake in his hand his Sun bleached hair shining like gold I had lunch with lock Dixon today she said at the Yacht Club he heard her but he wasn't listening did you doesn't that surprise you Jason changed the channel Claire resented the TV all 52 bright chirping inches of it a little I guess he asked me to coacher the summer Gayla what's that you know the nantucket's children thing the event the concert the thing we went to last month at this past Year's Gayla while Jason lingered at the back bar with his fishing buddies Claire had applauded as the two co-chairs floated up onto the stage to accept bouquet of flowers as if they had been named prom queen as if they had won an Academy Award Claire had been caught up in the glamour of it all the mere fact that she had sat down for a civilized lunch at the Yacht Club made Claire believe that if she agreed to co-chair the summer Gaya for nantucket's children her life would be more like that and less like it was now Claire never ate lunches like the one she had had today lunch for her was a sleeve of Saltines that she kept in the console of her Honda Pilot and stuffed blindly into her mouth as she picked the kids up from school if she was at home lunch was a bowl of cereal that she poured at 11:30 it was breakfast and lunch which grew soggy before Claire finished it because the baby cried or the phone rang or the crumbs under her feet pushed her past her already high threshold for Filth and yuck and she capitulated and pulled out the vacuum if Claire agreed to co-chair the Gayla her life might take on a distinguished quality the Golden Glow that accompanied a life devoted to Good Works how could she explain this to Jason he asked you to chair it co-chair it I'd have help I hope you said no she stroked Zach's soft head I said yes Jesus Claire was it so wrong she and Jason had spent the past seven months living in reverence of their own Good Fortune wasn't it time now to think of others to raise money for kids whose parents were working themselves sick with three jobs it's a good cause she said Jason huffed turned the volume up and that she supposed was the best she could hope for you're a complete idiot clairey a bloody fool this was sioban the next morning on the phone after Claire had told her lock Dixon asked me to chair the summer Gaya for nantucket's children and I capitulated like a soldier with without a gun I'm not a fool you're too much yourself right Claire said losing enthusiasm Jason is not amused have I made a whopping mistake yes Siobhan said Claire had spent the past 20 hours convincing herself that it was an honor to be asked it will be fun is will be wor work and stress and heartache like you've never known it's for a good cause Claire said trying again that sounds rather canned Siobhan said tell me something true I did it because Lo asked me Claire thought but that would send Siobhan through the roof I couldn't say no Bingo you have no boundar your cells don't have membranes correct this had been a problem since childhood Claire's parents had battled constantly their problems came in 30 flavors CLA was the only child she held herself accountable for their misery and her parents did nothing to dissuade her from this things had been different then with child raising she was an easy mark too easy she could not say no to lock Dixon or anyone else for that matter I want you to serve on my committee Claire said Siobhan and Carter owned a catering company called Island Fair they did big events like the Pops concert on jetty's beach as well as hundreds of smaller cocktail and dinner parties lunches brunches picnics and weddings though they had never catered the summer Gayla Claire was asking Siobhan to be on the committee because Siobhan was her best friend her darling but right away CLA sensed tension are you asking me to cater the Gayla Siobhan asked or do you expect me to slave with you on it while some other Mick gets the job oh CLA said of course if it were up to her Siobhan and Carter would cater the event but CLA didn't know being co-chair gave her the power to hire anybody and even if she did have the power she wasn't prepared to wield it yet what if she hired Carter and Siobhan and someone called it nepotism which of course someone would worse still what if Claire hired Carter and Siobhan and her fellow board members expected a deep discount that Carter and Siobhan either didn't want or couldn't afford to provide God how awkward she'd been in charge for 5 minutes and already she was facing an impossible situation listen Claire said you don't have to no no no I will but I can't promise anything about the catering that's okay Claire wasn't sure exactly where that left things was Siobhan on the committee would she come to the meeting at 8:00 on Wednesday September 19th she would not CLA decided she would forget about the meeting and Claire didn't call to remind her so when Claire Danner Crispen reached the top of the narrow staircase of the Elijah Baker house a grand house built in 1846 for Elijah Baker who had made a fortune fashioning ladies corsets out of whalebone and stepped into the office of nantucket's children she found only lock Dixon lock was sitting behind his desk in a blue pinstriped shirt and a yellow tie his head bent forward so that CLA could see the bald spot on top he was riding on a legal pad and he didn't seem to have heard CLA on the stairs impossible she was wearing clogs rather he had heard her and simply had yet to acknowledge her CLA felt self-conscious she should have called on and dragged her along no matter how uncomfortable or unethical it was Lo Claire said hi lock raised his head he was wearing half spectacles which he whipped off immediately as if they were some kind of secret he smiled at Claire it was a real smile it broke his face open and CLA felt the air in the room crackle practically with the power of that smile it sent an electric current through her heart it could have brought her back from the dead that smile Claire took the smile as her reward for saying yes I'd love to really I'd be honored when you were a co-chair of the summer Gaya people were glad to see you walk in the door or grateful or relieved lock stood up hi Claire hi hi here let me get you a I'm fine I'm fine she said are we meeting here or in the the nantucket's children office consisted of two rooms divided by a hallway and at the end of the hallway was a powder room and a small kitchen one room was the actual office where lock worked and where Gavin Andrews the office manager bookkeeper had his desk and across the hall was the boardroom which held a large round table and eight Windsor chairs every detail of the nantucket's children office transported one back to the Wailing Heyday that put Nantucket on the map the floor was fashioned from 150-year-old Pine boards and the doorways were topped with leaded transom windows with the old-fashioned charm however came oldfashioned conveniences or the lack thereof the board meetings were stifling in the summer and freezing in the winter and every time Claire used The Powder Room the toilet backed up tonight however the office was unusually inviting because it was September now it was dark outside through the window at lock Dixon's back Claire could see all the way up Main Street Nantucket town was twinkling like a child's Toy Village lock worked with the light of one desk lamp and the blue glow of his computer half a sandwich turkey stuffing and cranberry sauce sat on white butcher paper on his desk blotter which meant it was 8:00 and he had yet to make it home cla's mind flickered to Daphne if lock spent every night at the office did Daphne make dinner for herself did she read magazines take baths watch TV Daphne was never quite right in public after her accident but what about in private was she better or worse their daughter Heather was at Boarding School Andover it had been a much debated topic among Claire's circle of friends how did Heather Dixon get into the best Prep School in the country with solid B grades and an attitude problem it was field hockey everyone concluded and they were probably correct Heather Dixon was quite an athlete but Claire believed that Heather Dixon got herself into prep school out of the sheer will to escape her mother it had killed lock to see Heather go and it was odd too that he should head a charity called nantucket's children when his own child didn't really qualify as such Heather Dixon rarely came back to the island this past summer CLA heard she had attended a camp in M let's just meet in here lock said his voice startled Claire she had been so busy thinking about him she forgot he was in the room it's Cozier Cozier Claire thought she was blushing as Lo pulled a chair up to his desk for her Cozier made it sound like the two of them were about to snuggle under a blanket together but Lo was right the office was cozy with the low light and the faint smell of wood smoke floating in through the cracked window and the classical music coming from the Bose radio now that she was a co-chair maybe she would have more calm and quiet hours like this this office its architectural detail and distinguished period Furnishings combining to convey a scholarly air a well-healed doing of noble works stood in direct opposition to the scene Claire had left at home at home there had been dinner to make tacos her only home run and late corn from the farm and a green salad with ranch dressing which she had painstakingly made from scratch fresh herbs picked from the garden onion finely minced Jason as ever wandered in the door with 5 minutes to spare smelling of Newport menthols and the kids jumped into his arms and tackled him how could Claire deny them his attentions this was his time of day she could not interrupt routine just because she had a meeting hence Claire was left to shuttle everything from the kitchen to the dining room table trying not to look like she was hurrying Jason ended his rough housing session by picking Zach up and putting him in his high chair which was helpful because when CLA tried to do this Zack back pitched a fit dinner went well which meant there were only 60 or 70 reminders to eat up and Claire stood immediately after Grace and buttered corn for the girls got up twice to refill milk and then when she sat down again spooned puree carrots into Zach's mouth which was an exercise in one step forward two steps back Zach had not yet gotten the hang of eating solids he pushed most of the food back out of his mouth with his tongue it dribbled down his bib or landed on the tray of his high chair where he liked to put his hands in it Claire in an attempt to create an environment of art appreciation for her children made references to Jackson Pollock Jack the dripper Zach the dripper but the kids were for the most part grossed out JD at nine Claire's eldest called Zack the mental patient CLA hated when JD used that term not because Zach was old enough to understand it but because it echoed Claire's private fears there's something wrong with him sitting in the office Claire realized she was starving with all that had happened during dinner time she hadn't had a second to eat her own food Lo noticed CLA staring at the uneaten half of his sandwich are you hungry he said do you want I don't know if it's rude to offer someone your leftovers but I haven't touched this half I swear would you like it no no Claire said quickly I ate at home oh lo said right of course well how about some wine then wine Claire said at home Jason would be dealing with bedtime this normally went like clockwork bath for the younger three while JD finished his homework then a shower for JD then stories for the girls and Zach which worked if Jason remembered to give Zach a bottle the bottle had to go in the microwave for 30 seconds would Jason know this she should have reminded him she should have written it down CLA eyed the phone on Lock's desk she should call home and check on things of course Pan the Tai o pair who had come to live with them after Zach was born was in the house too but pan rarely came out of her room at night still if Jason got into a jam he would go to pan and she would prep Zach's bottle and rock him to sleep I'd love a glass of wine Claire said one of the good things about being co-chair of the summer Gayla and attending evening meetings Claire thought was that Jason would get get more Hands-On time with the kids wonderful lock said he disappeared into the hallway and came back with two glasses dangling from his fingers and a chilled bottle of white very strange Claire thought wine in the office lock held up the bottle to her like a selier this is a vion it's a white from the rone valley it's my favorite varietal is it Claire said my wife finds it too tart too lemony but I love its brightness he poured cla a glass and she took a sip wine like classical music was one of those things Claire wanted to learn more about she had tried to interest Jason in a wine tasting class offered through the community school but he' refused on the grounds that he never drank wine only beer this wine was bright it was grassy should she say that word grassy or would she sound like a complete ass she wanted to make lock happy she could hear Siobhan shouting no boundaries and hence she declared I love it you do I love it it tastes like a Meadow another smile from Lock she had spent the past 5 years certain that he hated her blamed her but here he was smiling it warmed her to the pit of her stomach I'm glad you like it LO said he poured himself a glass equal to Claire's was this okay drinking wine in the office alone with lock Dixon had the meetings with his former co-chairs gone this way is Adams coming Clare asked Adams Fisk a mop haired local attorney and one of Claire's dearest friends was president of the board of directors he's in ducksbury this week lock said I invited my sister-in-law Siobhan Claire said but I doubt she'll remember okay said he sounded like he couldn't have cared less he raised his glass cheers he said here's to the summer Gaya to the summer Gayla Claire said I'm so glad you agreed to co-chair Lo said we really wanted you Claire blushed again and sipped her wine it's my pleasure lock was sitting on the edge of his desk he was wearing khaki pants loafers without socks a leather belt with a silver monogrammed belt buckle his tie was loose and the top two buttons of his shirt were undone Claire found him newly fascinating but why she knew nothing about him other than that he was a rich man that was interesting or rather it was interesting that he had taken this job which Claire as a member of the board of directors knew meant that he made $882,000 a year even though he was so rich he never had to work again I think we found someone to be your co-chair lock said oh Clare said good this was good Clare certainly couldn't shoulder all of the responsibility of the summer Gaya herself and yet she was nervous about having a co-chair Claire was an artist she worked alone there was some sense in which she could call Jason her co-chair the co-chair of the family but if Claire got home tonight and found JD on the computer unshowered his homework incomplete the girls lying in bed with tangled hair you had to comb it out carefully and Zach zoned out on Jason's lap in front of junkyard Wars she would throw her arms up in frustration who is it Isabelle French Lo said do you know her she joined the board in the spring Isabelle French did Claire know her she pictured a woman with her hair up wearing dangly earrings and some kind of funky Indian print tunic that reminded CLA of The Beatles in their psychedelic years that was what Isabelle French had been wearing at the Gayla she had been drinking a COS mopolitan she had been dancing Claire had seen her come off the dance floor pink-faced and breathless Clare wondered if she was remembering the right woman I think so Claire said she's very nice she's eager to get more involved she lives in New York okay does she work no I don't think so other than doing things like this I mean does she have kids no no kids there was a beat of Silence between them the charity was called nantucket's children it was for people who cared deeply about children which generally meant having one or more of your own no kids Claire said wondering if Adam's FIS had been Brazen enough to put someone on the board solely because of her pocketbook no kid kid Lo confirmed is she divorced Lo said from a guy I went to college with at Williams actually though that has no bearing I haven't seen Marshall French in years and honestly I know Isabelle only slightly Adams was the one who brought her aboard but I know that she's very nice and eager great Claire said and then lest she not seem eager herself she pulled a notebook out of her bag a notebook she had bought for this very reason and said should we get to work thean Tucket children's summer Gayla the goal was to sell a thousand tickets the evening started with cocktails and pass or derves cocktails were followed by a seated dinner during which lock showed a PowerPoint presentation of the pro programs that Net's children funded by the time dinner ended the guests had presumably em bibed a few drinks and the wheels were greased for the auction the trademark of the nantucket's children's summer Gaya was that they only auctioned off one item one fabulous item expected to go for at least $50,000 the brief auction gave way finally to a concert by a performer or band that had highly dancable hits like the Beach Boys 2004 like the Village People 2005 like Frankie Valley in the Four Seasons 2007 with underwriting the event made well over a million dollars that money was distributed to the 22 initiatives and programs set up exclusively for Island kids the most important element no matter what anybody says is the talent lock told Claire it's what sets our event apart anyone can put up a tent anyone can hire a caterer and throw together an auction but we get music that is what makes us sexy that is why people come right Claire said and rumor on the street is that you know Max West Claire said max West lock said again the smile this time hyped up with admiration well yeah of course Max West was a superstar he was right up there with elt and John John bonjovi MC Jagger he'd had more than 30 hits he'd been singing for nearly 20 years since the summer after his and Claire's High School graduation when he played The Stone Pony in Asbury Park and an agent heard him and yeah Rockstar Claire's heart had been broken God had she cried every night after the show back behind the club where it smelled like empty beer bottles in trash she had cried and held on to Matthew's neck because she knew it was ending she was going to Ry and he was going to California to record an album they had been different people then he had really been a different person Matthew Westfield before he became Max West and played the inaugural parties in Washington before he played for Princess Diana before he sold out Shea Stadium six nights in a row before he recorded a live album in Catman which went double Platinum before he got married twice and went into rehab three times yes I know him we went to high school together he was my boyfriend that's what someone told me lock said but I didn't you didn't believe it CLA said right no one ever believed it at first Claire and Matthew had been best friends since seventh grade and then one night years later when they were old enough to be horny and curious Matthew had kissed her on a school bus at night they were in the chorus together returning from a trip to the old folks home Not only was Matthew in the chorus but he was also the lead tenor in the barber shop quartet and that was the music the old people had liked best sweet Rosy o Grady they clapped like mad and Matthew Hamm it up bowing and kissing an old woman's hand standing on the top riser in the soprano section Claire had felt unaccountably proud of him so on the dark bus heading back to school they sat together as they had a hundred times before and Claire rested her hand on Matthew's thigh then her head on his shoulder and the next thing she knew they were kissing it's not that I didn't believe it LO said it's just that I don't know he's so famous but he wasn't then Claire said back then he was just a kid like the rest of us the question is lock said can we get him I can try for free Claire sipped her wine I can try lock leaned toward her his eyes were bright he had very kind eyes Claire thought very kind or very sad you would do that all I have to do is track him down she said she wrote on the first line of the first page of her notebook find Matthew that would be the hard part finding him I haven't talked to him in years really Lo said now he sounded worried and possibly even suspicious do you think he'll remember you I was his high school sweetheart CLA said you don't forget your high school sweetheart do you lock was staring at her Claire felt the trill of the piccolo travel right up her spine and the bass notes of the tuba reverberate in her stomach being with Lo alone in this meating was messing her up or maybe it was thinking about Matthew that was making her feel this way like a teenager like she was forming a crush like the world was filled with outlandish romantic possibilities what else she said before he could answer Claire's eye caught on something on the bookshelves to the left of the 20 pained window it was a glass vase with green and white tiger stripes and a star-shaped opening it was one of Claire's pieces right there in her direct line of vision but she hadn't noticed it until that second it was like not recognizing one of her own children she stood up and took the vase off the shelf turned it in the light two summers earlier when she was between commissions she had made 12 of these vases for transom a shop in town the colors varied but they all had tiger stripes or leopard rosettes the jungle series she called it Claire's glassblowing career had been all about custommade one-of-a-kind commissioned pieces for very wealthy patrons so it had been fun and liberating for CLA to do these vases which were light easy Whimsical transom had sold out of the vases in only 2 weeks where did you get this this Claire asked in town at that shop transom on the corner there yes you bought it I bought it you bought it for yourself for myself yes for the office we kept flowers in it for a few weeks but I prefer it empty it's a work of art by itself oh CLA said I'm a big fan of your glass now CLA was suspicious how much of my work have you seen we're friends with the Clawson he said we've seen the bubbles ah Claire said and I read glass art so I've seen your pieces in there and I'm familiar with the museum pieces the one piece CLA said at the Whitney and the vases at the Museum in shelburn lock said they're beautiful wow Claire said her face bloomed hot and red two posies would be appearing on her cheeks she was embarrassed and flattered Lo Dixon knew her work knew it knew it he read glass art which had a circulation of about 700 lock cleared his throat this is going out of order a bit but I wonder if you would be willing to put a piece up for bid as the auction item at the Gayla you mean lock nodded Claire shook her head confused the auction item at the Gayla was something outrageous something something money couldn't buy a week in a castle in Scotland with golf at St Andrews or an Italian Feast for 12 cooked by Mario Batali I don't get it we have to make money right so the piece would have to be on par with the bubbles series Claire returned to her chair and polished off her wine because she hadn't eaten anything her head was vibrating like a tuning fork I don't work anymore I shut down the hot shop when my son was born but as I understood it that was temporary a sabatical rather than retirement Claire put her hands to her face to cool her cheeks lock Dixon knew more about her much more than she would have guessed Claire was curious he understood this how from whom Claire herself didn't know when she would resume working the hot shop behind the house was now shuttered and locked cold and dormant Claire looked at the shop with longing of course she did glass blowing was in her blood but also with a sense that she was a woman with her priorities straight she had four children who needed her she could go back to glass blowing once she had them all safely in school I'm not working anymore CLA repeated so you won't do a piece for the auction Claire stared at him was he taunting her was he daring her to say no he poured her more wine which she gratefully accepted I'm not working she said just think how that will bolster the price lock said you haven't produced anything in over a year it will be nearly 2 years by next August right this would be your triumphant return but art is subjective what if I make something and nobody likes it you're a genius now you're teasing me tell you what he said what Claire said he was quiet looking at her the hint of a smile on his face Claire was confounded he was teasing her and she was enjoying it her sensibilities were aroused her intelligence peaked lock Dixon was perhaps the only person in the world short of her handful of patrons who cared if she started blowing glass again but he couldn't egg her into it just because he was a man a wealthy man a man who had poured her a glass of wine a man whose wife Claire had unintentionally wronged he couldn't make her do it she did have boundaries what she said again I'll bid $50,000 on it myself what CLA said incredulous now he bent over to look her in the eye his face was so close she could have kissed him just the fleeting thought of kissing him put the color back into her cheeks she pushed him away mentally and backed up a few inches in her chair you will not I will $50,000 if you create a piece for the auction a real CLA Danner crisen original Museum quality one-of a kind whatever your mind's eye comes up with I will bid $50,000 on it myself CLA shook her head he was kidding he had to be kidding $50,000 was the sum of his take-home pay as executive director you're nuts she said maybe I am he said in a way that seemed to have meaning and although Claire was high from the wine she didn't let him undermine her resolve she stood up I don't work anymore she said astonishing ing herself she wanted to give back to the universe she wanted to act in kindness but even she had her limits the kids were all asleep when Claire got home and she checked on them one by one rooting around like a raccoon in the dark they seemed reasonably clean the girl's hair was combed and JD's homework was complete though stuffed into his backpack like garbage CLA smoothed out the pages of long division and tucked it in neatly in the nursery she pulled the blanket over Zach's shoulders and stroked his cheek God how she worried about him he was healthy despite having been a preey her pediatrician Dr Patel reassured her of this again and again in their bedroom Jason was waiting for her he wanted sex all the time even after so many years of marriage tonight would have been a good night to indulge him with a serious creative effort but sex seemed too tame for Claire's mood her meeting with lock Dixon had gotten her gears turning she wanted to pour over her back issues of glass art she wanted to go into the hot shop Museum quality peace and sketch until dawn come to bed Jason said thinking about the hot shop suddenly felt illicit how were the kids fine come to bed don't you want to know how my meeting was how was your meeting it was amazing she said he didn't ask her to elaborate and Claire thought why bother her definition of amazing was completely different from Jason's definition of amazing Jason was a contractor amazing for him was the plumber showing up on time it was a 39in striper caught with a fly come to bed please Claire please baby okay she said she brushed her teeth then took her time washing her face and moisturizing then wiping down the granite vanity and the bowl of the sink hoping that Jason would fall asleep but when she crawled into bed Jason had his light on he was facing her side of the bed with his hands out like she was a basketball he was about to catch the kids didn't wear you out she asked nah they were great you read to them I read to Zach odly read to Shay JD did his homework then read his chapter book good Claire said relaxing so the meeting she paused not because she was hesitant to admit that it had only been her and lock at the meeting but because Jason's hands were already traveling up inside her camisole he wasn't interested in what had transpired at her meeting Claire grabbed Jason's wrists but he was persistent and she let him go their sex life was robust but there was a part of their marriage that had withered if it had ever existed at all what was it they didn't talk if Claire said these words now to Jason we don't talk he would tell her she was being silly he would say we talk all the time yes about the kids about what was for dinner about the car being serviced about Joe's 40th birthday next week about what bills need to be paid about when he'd be home from work but if Claire tried to explain her meeting with lock and its many tangents Matthew how it felt to think about Matthew how it felt to think about Daphne in the accident Lock's interest in Claire's glass and his request that she come out of retirement on behalf of the auction item Jason would glaze over bored she would be keeping him from what was really important the sex furthermore he might grow angry at what CLA told him who was lock Dixon to tell his wife to start blowing glass again it was easier for Claire to keep her mouth shut to indulge Jason physically and try to quiet the agitation in her mind find Matthew Museum quality peace silver belt buckle the jungle series whalebone corset vion that tasted like a meadow $50,000 classical music she really should learn more about it she closed her eyes and kissed her husband chapter 2 he haunts her the Crispen children started waking up at 6:30 they woke in reverse order to their age Zack first then Shay at 4 and A2 Shay was very challenging JD and Ellie had always been labeled the big kids which left Shay and Zach as the babies but Shay did not appreciate being called a baby nor did she like being lumped in with Zach as a result she was constantly trying to distinguish herself everything had to be done the sheay way her her pancakes had to be cut with a chef's knife because she liked Square pieces otherwise the pieces would be called ugly and were therefore inedible she would not sit next to Ellie at any meal and she would not have her hairstyle like od's nor would she wear any of 's hand-me-downs Ellie for her part was preder naturally beautiful with long hair stre the colors of fine wood mahogany Pine Brazilian Cherry she was at the age of eight already a teenager already using her ballet training to swing her hips provocatively Odie was precocious brilliant Adept at sweet talking her parents her teachers her Legions of friends and J D Claire's oldest was a golden child reading three grades above level a leader on the ball field and the basketball court an alter boy at St Mary's he was pleasant and easygoing and respectful if CLA received compliments about her parenting it was because she had great kids but they were great on their own they had been born great Claire didn't want to take any credit she did however try hard as a mother she would say she'd always tried hard had always put her children's needs before her own but now that there was no glass in her life she channeled all her frenetic creative energy into parenting her kids were only going to be young once she wanted to enjoy them she now had time to pack healthy lunches to volunteer in all three classrooms to shaon field trips to read Harry Potter aloud at night to make every practice every ball game and every ballet lesson early or on time she was more focused her house was cleaner her kids she thought were happier now that they had her full attention her parenting wasn't perfect but it was Earnest and well-intentioned just look at Claire this morning she made breakfast for four kids bacon buttermilk pancakes chocolate milk vitamin pills she chose clothes for four kids the only one she could truly dress anymore was Zach with the other three the struggle was what matched what was appropriate for school what was clean she packed lunch for three kids JD liked strawberries OT demanded an obscene amount of mayonnaise on her sandwich and sheay was allergic to strawberries the only fruit she would eat without a fight was canned Mandarin oranges Claire kept track of homework library books permission slips and whatever equipment cleats gloves skates goggles they needed for their after school activities there was a colorcoded schedule taped to the fridge it wasn't always the well-oiled machine that Claire dreamed of often there were extenuating circumstances someone had a stomach ache or a luridly loose tooth it was pouring rain or blizzarding sideways or Zach had one of his inexplicable screaming fits and the noise pushed them all to the Edge of Insanity mom make him stop many times Claire stood in her own kitchen and thought I can't believe I make it through the morning much less the rest of the day many times Claire felt like a triage nurse what needed her attention first this was the life she had chosen she repeated certain thoughts like a mantra good mother only young once enjoy them as she shephered them out the door Claire drove the kids to school she took two to the elementary school and one to montauri Zach was strapped into his car seat crying for his bottle which none of the other three dained to give him sheay plugged her ears the car was always loud but Claire made a point to call Siobhan anyway Siobhan had stopped at two kids but Liam and Aiden were total Helens and fought incessantly and Siobhan's car was just as noisy I woke up this morning and checked my calendar Siobhan said I see I missed your meeting last night how was it oh Claire said the meeting had been a scant 12 hours earlier and yet it had slipped down the drain with the dishwater her excitement had vaporized but something lingered some feelings about lock Dixon could she share these feelings with Siobhan she and were married to Brothers they were Frank with each other about their marriages they loved to complain sneaking cigarettes too much TV always bugging me for sex and they loved to one up each other when they complained because Siobhan and Carter worked together she claimed they were twice as sick of each other at the end of the day Siobhan had a crush on the Korean UPS man Claire thought the 20-year-old who picked up her trash was cute they talked about other men in a funny harmless way all the time but Claire decided not to say anything about lock if only because she couldn't tell what her feelings were exactly it was fine we talked about preliminary stuff do you have a co-chair Siobhan asked I do a woman named Isabelle French Isabelle French yeah do you know her Siobhan was quiet this was very strange Claire checked her phone thinking it had cut out are you there Claire said yep is everything okay we did a Lun for Isabelle French this summer Siobhan said you did where does she live out in Monomoy but not on the Harbor in the woods on Brewster Road between monoy and shimo really okay so what's the deal did she not pay her bill was she a total [ __ ] no she was fine with me was she rude to Alec Alec was sioban and Carter's Jamaican head server did she use a racial slur no Siobhan said she was fine agreeable very nice there was just this awful moment when she was out on the porch chatting away and a coven of witches were in the kitchen slicing her to Ribbons I guess there was an incident in New York she was at some big party and she drank too much and she kissed some woman's husband on the dance floor and it turned into this big thing where no one would speak to her and she stopped getting invited to things she used to sit on the board of one of the big hospitals but I guess they asked her to step down it didn't sound so good they were talking about her behind her back in her kitchen Claire said yeah it made me nauseated honestly did they know you were there listening I'm the caterer did they care so do you think it's bad that she's my co-chair no I don't think it's bad Siobhan said just so you know her own people don't like her Claire and Zach walked back into the house at 10 8 and the silence was like a big sigh of relief pan sat at the counter eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs a cereal forbidden to the children why does pan get to eat it well pan is an adult pan was 27 years old from an island off the Southwest coast of Thailand in the Andaman sea pan had arrived after Zack was born to work as an opair although CLA liked to think of it as a cultural exchange with Zach's difficult birth and with the demands of a fourth child having an extra set of hands in the house seemed wise having pan around allowed CLA to be a better mother pan played creative games with the older children she cleaned and straightened she prepared mouthwatering Thai food but but she was the best perhaps with Zach in Thailand apparently babies were never put down they were constantly carried and therefore they did not cry when Zach was with pan he was held and carried when Zach was with CLA and Clare out of necessity set him down I have to get dinner ready sweetie he howled sometimes it was so bad that pan came out of her room and picked him up and although CLA was then relieved she was also suspicious maybe Zach's problem was that he was coddled spoiled soft maybe all of Pan's nurturing had quelled Zach's natural desire to explore to learn to interact or maybe pan held him all the time because she too sensed there was something wrong here pan said I take she stood up from her stool and reached for Zach you finish I've got him I take pan said Zach was no fool he lunged for her okay Claire said and then like an automaton I have a hundred things to do such as the breakfast dishes plates sticky with syrup cups with chocolate sludge coating the bottom and then the counters and the stools then CLA went upstairs the kids nominally made their beds but Claire had to remake them she was put out by the thought of her children climbing into a sloppy bed she liked crisp clean sheets and a neatly folded comforter she flushed the toilet in the kid's bathroom put all of the toothbrushes into the plastic cup and rinse the dried toothpaste out of the sink but what she realized was that she was watching herself do these things rather than just doing them she was doing them and at the same time wondering what lock Dixon would think if he were watching her or Matthew God she had to find Matthew she got started on the laundry if she missed a day of laundry it spiraled out of control did any of these Details Matter to anybody but Claire the details that ruled her life the 5,000 tasks that cropped up in her day like obstacles in a video game if Claire died or got sick or took on a consuming project such as the summer Gaya and these tasks didn't get done what would happen would the house get run into the ground would her children become derelicts in her heart she believed the answer was yes her efforts mattered she threw a load of darks into the machine at 10:00 she tried to do some yoga on the floor of her bedroom she unrolled a mat and positioned herself in downward dog the room was filled with sunlight and being in downward dog felt good she wondered again about lock Dixon if he could see her this second would he be impressed by her flexibility no even Claire's 92-year-old grandmother could do downward dog she was too lazy to get herself into another position and honestly it had been so long since she'd made it to yoga that she'd forgotten all the positions anyway if she tried one now it would be incorrect and offer no real benefit she sat up her head was buzzing she hadn't eaten anything she had forgotten herself and that was the reason CLA was so thin it had nothing to do with yoga the phone rang would it be lock one thing about co-chairing the summer Gayla was that the phone would ring and it would be lock or Isabelle French or Matthew instead of Jeremy Tate Friedman her client from London telling her he'd had a dream about an orchestra that played instruments made of glass would Claire for the right price consider making a glass Flute one that actually worked her career had been subject to indeed dependent on the eccentricities of a handful of very wealthy people CLA checked the caller ID it was Siobhan but Claire didn't pick up the phone she had too much on her mind it was still lock okay this was pitiful the man was following her around her own house like a ghost who had unfinished business with the living why what did he want he wanted her to create a museum quality piece of glass for the auction he wanted her to burst out of retirement like a woman jumping out of a cake in front of a thousand paying guests break the shackles of motherhood emerg from the cave where she had been shutting herself away like a Hermit she had been out of the hot shop for months and just admit it Claire she missed it a part of her yearned for it people like Jeremy Tate Friedman called and Elsa the woman who owned the shop transom called would Clare produce another jungle series the vases had sold so quickly but these people did not provide the right impetus for CLA to return to the hot shop lock somehow had pushed a different button he had used the element of surprise he read glass art he knew not only her piece at the Whitney but her piece at the Yankee Ingenuity Museum in shelburn Vermont as well he appreciated her work and hence he appreciated her Claire in a way that few other people did who would have guessed lock Dixon was a fan he had always made her nervous Claire thought this was because of Daphne in the accident but maybe not Claire wondered if lock Dixon had ever seen the inside of a hot shop if he was willing to pay $50,000 for a piece of class then he must know something about the craft maybe he had been to Simon Pierce there were two Studios now where you could watch the guys blow out a few goblets then go upstairs to a fancy restaurant and eat a warm goat cheese salad with candid pecans or maybe Lo had seen glass blown in Colonial Williamsburg or Sturbridge Village or on a school trip to Corning she would ask him the next time they were alone would they ever be alone again why did she care did she find Lock Dixon attractive well he was 20 lb overweight and balding on top so no he wasn't Derek Jeter or Brad Pit and he wasn't a 20-year-old hunk like the kid who worked for Santos Rubbish he wasn't as handsome as Jason who had a washboard stomach and a thick head of blonde hair but Lo had nice eyes and that smile there had been something between them last night in the office a connection an energy that had not been present during lunch at the yacht club or at the handful of board meetings that CLA had attended a spark something that caught fire and smoldered Claire's interest her desire but why this was the kind of question sioban loved why this person and not that person why now and not before why did love lust romance even the real deep and true stuff you felt for your husband always mellow and then in some cases sour and if the mellowing was inevitable did that mean you simply gave up that tingling stomach swooping giddy got him in love or lust feeling forever were you left with your hopeless crush on George Clooney or the UPS man Siobhan could talk about this stuff for hours as she filled felo with lobster meat and fresh corn but until today these questions had never interested Claire until today she couldn't have cared less Claire's hot shop was locked up like Fort Knox when she worked the furnace ran night and day and so the term hot shop was something of an understatement Jason called it the belly of Hell Jason had built the hot shop for Claire because there was no glass studio on the island he'd started out reluctantly one expensive hobby he called it they spent tens of thousands of dollars on the pot furnace the glory hole the punes the benches the molds the shaping tools the colored frit the annealer a small fortune eventually however Jason became fascinated with the construction of the hot shop he was building the only glass-blowing Studio on the island for his wife who was trained in the craft she had a degree from rizy she could make things vases and goblets and sculpture and sell them now the hot shop had paid for itself and Claire had made enough money from the whims of her kooky patrons to pay off the car and plump the kids college funds she could not believe she was doing this she glanced back at the house stealthily feeling like a criminal as she unlocked the heavy metal door but why there was nothing wrong with blowing glass again pen would take care of Zach and the other kids were at school all day so why not but there was guilt it had to do with her fall Claire should never have subjected herself to the heat when she was so far along in her pregnancy she should have been drinking more water the doctor had warned her and it was Zach who had paid the price there's something wrong with him still she stepped inside she was an alcoholic opening The Liquor Cabinet she was a junkie visiting her dealer but that was ridiculous she had after all come into the hot shop plenty of times in the past year to get tools to go over her books with the accountants to show Pan the pieces she'd made as a beginner but Claire had never come in with the intention of starting up again when she turned off the heat she did so in the name of her family she had four kids a husband and a home that needed her CLA stood in the center of the shop and looked around just admit it she was dying to get back in there Claire's attraction to Molten glass was atavistic it was coated somewhere on her DNA She was drawn to the flame to the unsafe temperatures to the blinding light a blob of molten glass on the end of a blowpipe pipe contained her life's meaning even though it was hot and dangerous she had burned herself and cut herself too many times to remember she had scars with stories she'd forgotten but she loved working with glass the way she loved her children unconditionally and despite the real possibility of failure molten glass fell to the floor She marvered incorrectly and came out with something lopsided she blew a piece too thin she necked incorrectly and could not transfer the piece to the puny she cooled a piece too quickly and it shattered in the analer there was nothing about glass that was forgiving it was a craft but also a science it took Precision concentration practice she found a half empty Sketchbook on her worktable Museum quality p piece the piece at the Whitney was a sculpture of thinly blown out spheres so thinly blown that they had to be placed in a soundproof room all of which held hints of Prismatic color and interlocked like soap bubbles the sculpture was called bubbles 3 bubbles 1 and two were housed in the private galleries of chick and Caroline Clawson and chick Clawson sat on the board of the Whitney the Yankee Ingenuity Museum displayed a set of nesting vases with differently shaped openings when you look down into the vases it was like looking into a kaleidoscope Claire had done the vases in Sea colors turquoise Cobalt Jade Celadon Claire and Jason and the kids had traveled to Vermont to see the vases on display the vases were lovely and well displayed in the small rustic Museum though they didn't compare to the Bubbles at the Whitney Claire couldn't do another in the bubble series for the auction that would be like Leonardo repainting the Mona Lisa but Claire could possibly create another set of nesting vases would they be worth $50,000 the door opened and the room filled with Breeze Claire turned pans stood in the doorway CLA felt like she'd been caught where's Zach CLA said he sleep pan said I'm thinking about working again CLA said pan nodded she was still very Brown from the Summer She Wore a black tank top and khaki capri pants and a thin silver chain with a tiny bell on it around her neck Clare had paid twice already to have this chain repaired after Zach had yanked it off Clare suggested pan not wear the chain while she was working but pan ignored this advice and that was fine the chain and the bell were part of Pan's Persona part of her Magic Pan was short and L and her glossy black hair was cut into a rounded page boy she was both adorable and andr with the silver chain and the tiny tinkling Bell she reminded CLA of a Wood Sprite what do you think CLA asked pan tilted her head about me working pan Shrugged possibly she didn't understand the question and certainly she didn't understand what cla's working again would entail CLA shook her head never mind she said pan left but Claire lingered for another few moments on the bench paging through her Sketchbook once upon a time she had made an elaborate pair of candlesticks for Mr Fred bull rush of San Francisco the pulled Taffy candlesticks she had come upon the design by accident holding on to the gather with tweezers while rolling the blowpipe she had twisted and pulled the molten glass then rolled it into blue and purple frit that she'd scattered on the marving table she was like a kid with clay and she thought she'd end up with a kid's mess but the colors Blended beautifully and the form cooled a bit and Claire recognized it as a Candlestick stem she added a foot and blew out a small bowl and when it came out of the analer she thought this is really cool it looked to Claire like a psychedelic popsicle it was J who thought it looked like pulled Taffy he liked it as much as Claire did but then he said what are you going to do with one Candlestick and Claire thought right I'll never in a million years be able to make another one she tried again and got close the color wasn't quite identical and the twistin was off but that was what made it art she took a picture of the candlesticks and sent it to Mr Fred bull rush a mysteriously wealthy man a former associate of Timothy L's Who Loved cla's work because he believed it contained what he called the Elation and pain of her soul bull rush paid $2500 for the pair what about turning the idea upside down upside down candlesticks a chandelier Claire had always wanted to do a chandelier what about a pulled Taffy chandel chier that would Cascade from the ceiling like party streamers each strand ending in a light bulb the size of a grape God it would be utterly fantastic would lock like that 2:00 came and Claire picked up JD and Ellie at the elementary school then sheay at modori JD and Elly had little league at 3: and sheay had soccer at 3:30 Claire had snacks and drinks for everybody JD and 's Ms hats and uniform shirts Shay's cleats and shinguards the kids piled into the car with their lunch boxes their backpacks and assorted art projects JD had a flyer for an open house which wafted like an autumn leaf into the front seat how was school Claire asked JD ripped open a bag of Fritos nobody answered CLA checked the rearview mirror Shay was struggling with her seat belt what did you do today Claire said JD nothing JD said nothing Odie said Shay I can't get my seat belt buckled JD will you help her please JD huffed of course he said Claire smiled she was not Julian Andrews these were not the vont Trap children these were children who had apparently done nothing during a whole day of school but everything was okay she had gone into the hot shop but the fact of the matter was she liked her life the way it was now she was consumed with making sure the kids had what they needed because she had spent so much time mooning over her Sketchbook she had forgotten to put the laundry in the dryer and she hadn't done anything about dinner so things would be insane when she got home and there would be Zach to deal with because pan was off at 5 Claire didn't have time to create a museum quality piece and yet the feeling remained the tug the pull Taffy chandelier was the most exciting idea she'd had in a long time Claire turned into the parking lot of the Town recreational Fields the wreck Fields were the site of the summer Gaya they were the only place big enough to accommodate the tent and a concert for a thousand people Claire wondered if there was any reason she would see lock Dixon at the recck fields and decided the answer was no the soccer fields were a great place to get a glimpse of nantucket's children on Shay's team alone the kids spoke five languages there were two Haitian girls a Bulgarian boy a pair of Lithuanian twins whose parents were deaf they spoke English Lithuanian and Lithuanian sign language the diversity was amazing it was exciting the soccer program was well organized and impeccably administered it was funded by nantucket's children when Claire saw her own group of friends Delaney kit Amy Trimble Julie Jackson she felt the way men must feel about their fellow soldiers we are all in the Foxhole together fighting the same War raising young children enjoying them because they would only be young once Claire walked up to Julie Jackson Julie was a natural beauty she had curly blonde hair and was even thinner than Claire kickboxing Julie Jackson had three kids she sold stationary and occasionally hosted an at home show and she served on the board of the ice rink when CLA saw her she thought committee hey CLA said hey Julie said how are you did you bring the baby God I haven't seen him in Forever he must be getting so big yeah Claire said her good mood was like a balloon that she accidentally let go floating away up over the trees out of sight Claire didn't bring Zach to the soccer field on purpose she didn't want the other mothers to see him and sense something wrong and then confer with one another about whether it was because he 'd been so premature he's home with pan so what's new Julie asked oh not much Claire said how to broach the subject she should send an email she decided but that was cowardly and this was the perfect place to ask they were overlooking a veritable United Nations on the six and under soccer team I agreed to co-chair the summer Gayla the benefit for Net's children hey you know I would love to have you serve on the committee would you consider it Julie Jackson had her eyes glued on her son Eddie who had the ball Julie didn't answer CLA and Clare debated whether to repeat herself CLA suddenly felt like she'd asked Julie Jackson to join her on the Chain Gang do you know what I'm talking about Clare said the summer Gaya it's held right here in August I know Julie said Dixon's thing was he the one who asked you yes Claire said she found herself flustered At The Mention Of Lock's name Julie had been in the cab the night of Daphne's accident was she making a connection they want me to get Max West oh right Julie said I forgot you knew him did she say this ironically or was CLA just too sensitive yeah CLA said I can't take on one more thing Julie said I just can't right Clare said I understand me either Delany kit said me either Amy Trimble said Ted would kill me it always seems harmless to join this committee or that committee but it ends up being hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars yeah Julie said she grinned at Claire but it's great that you're doing it Claire you're a good egg making time in your life for this such a good egg Delany echoed it's going to be so much work Amy said better you than me Claire was late getting home from the wreck Fields because there was an injured bird on the side of the road she saw it there the sparrow or Ren hit by a car maybe or nipped by someone's dog injured struggling but not dead the kids were limp and exhausted in the back seat they didn't see the bird and Claire thought keep going she only had 5 minutes to get home in time to relieve pan but no she couldn't ignore it when she pulled over and said look at that poor little bird the kids perked up a little but they did not get out of the car Claire knelt by the bird something was was wrong with its leg and its wing it hopped lopsidedly Clare heard a car horn Amy tremble slowed down what are you doing injured birdie Patrol CLA said Amy shook her head smiled drove off CLA reached out to pick up the bird but the bird was having none of it it hopped out of her reach and CLA hurried down the Sandy border of the road chasing it Julie Jackson drove by CLA stood up and looked at the back of Julie's car Claire was the only person she knew who would stop for a bird she was the only person she knew who would agree to co-chair something as colossal and consuming as the Gaya but instead of making her feel virtuous she felt like a bloody fool you're a good egg making time in your life for this she didn't have time get back in the car but she could not in good conscience leave the lame little bird here she sneaked up on the bird and got a hand under it the kids were cheering her on now from the car this was all the little bird needed it got a loft flew away CLA was relieved she headed back to the car the kids were clapping a few days later Claire and Siobhan went on one of their rare girls nights out just the two of them eating cheeseburgers and freets and drinking wine at L long do there was a vion on the wine list and Clara's mind flickered to lock and how she had wanted more than anything during that meeting to please him she ordered the wine but she did not bring up the topic of lock Dixon with Siobhan because if she had Siobhan would have teased her Siobhan had something of the schoolyard bully in her she taunted she poked she prodded she was always making outlandish suggestions and daring Claire to join her it was commonly understood that Siobhan was naughty and Claire was nice Clare was sweet and Siobhan was spicy sioban carried the Pitchfork Claire wore the Halo sioban cursed like a sailor and danced on tabletops Claire carried spiders outside instead of smooshing them in a paper towel like a normal person sioban was the one people wanted to be stuck with on a deserted island CLA was the choice if the plane was going down and there was only one parachute she would hand it right over let's go to the Chicken Box Siobhan said now find a couple of hot guys and go dancing no way Clare said Siobhan frowned her darling square glasses slipped down her nose you're no fun she said in inhaling her whne why couldn't I have gotten a sister-in-law who was fun you're a boring boore yes Claire felt like a boring boore but she also felt virtuous and doubly so because she knew Siobhan wouldn't go looking for trouble on her own and she was correct they paid their bill they went home to their husbands the next day at hockey practice Siobhan's son Liam got slammed against the boards and suffered a gruesome break in his arm Carter flew with Liam to Boston where he was going to be operated on while Siobhan stayed home with Aiden and cried and worked her way around the rosary beads surgery she said Jesus Mary and Joseph cutting up my baby putting him under Claire went to the grocery store while the kids were at school with the idea of getting a chicken to roast to take to Siobhan and Aiden as well as some Oreos and ice cream to cheer them up the store was quiet and nearly empty Claire was relieved that she and Siobhan had not misbehaved the other night unlike the crisen brothers Clare and Siobhan were Irish Catholics and hence were United in their belief that when you did something bad something bad happened to you but what if that weren't true Claire thought as she wandered down Frozen Foods in search of hogendas what what if things weren't connected after all Siobhan had behaved like a saint and Liam still got hurt Claire heard a harsh laugh she looked up and at the other end of the aisle saw Daphne Dixon oh very bad CLA could spend hours having conversations in the stoping shop with nearly anyone but Daphne Dixon was someone Claire did her best now to avoid she wanted to duck behind the tall display of dog food and disappear but Daphne spotted her the laugh which sounded like the cackle of a satanic rockar seemed to be aimed at Claire hi CLA called out she waved but made no motion forward she could get away with this perhaps a wave and pivot and at the expense of Siobhan's ice cream she was out of there she did get a gander at Daphne however and was surprised to find that she looked fabulous she'd had her hair colored so that it was very dark and she wore a white tank top and a quilted jacket and a gold medallion necklace that glinted against her tan breastbone the first time Claire had ever laid eyes on Daphne Dixon had been 10 years earlier Claire was pregnant with JD and she and Jason were at a pool party CLA was miserable first of all because she was wearing a maternity bathing suit the size of a circus tent and second because everyone was drinking Coronas and margaritas except for her Jason who had never gotten the hang of being a sympathetic partner in pregnancy was especially drunk he pointed across the pool at Daphne Dixon who was wearing a tan bikini that made her look nude and said that woman has beautiful tits she may indeed have had beautiful tits and Jason may only have been making an innocent observation as he claimed but once you heard your husband say that a woman had beautiful tits you could never give that woman a 100% endorsement somehow though Daphne had won Clare over later at that same party Daphne CED over Claire because she was pregnant Daphne and lock had a 5-year-old daughter named Heather and Daphne confided that she had very much wanted a second child but she'd suffered complications after Heather was born when she found out CLA was a glass blower she went wild she loved glass she was a devote of Dale Chuli she would love someday to see cla's work okay CLA thought Clare worshiped Chuli too Daphne knew what she was talking about a year or so later Daphne and Heather started spending more time on the island Daphne enrolled Heather in the elementary school and lock commuted to Nantucket from Boston on the weekend CLA saw Daphne every so often and they chatted about preschools and swim lessons and the commissions CLA was working on then Claire got pregnant with Ellie and Daphne again was interested and attentive she even dropped off a tiny pink sweater at the hospital with a note that said as soon as you're ready for a girl's night out call me the Daphne Dixon that Claire remembered from those days was extremely normal and good-hearted she was Lov really Claire stopped in the chicken section and threw the biggest raster she could find into the cart she was afraid to look behind her Claire Claire turned very slowly Daphne was right there inches from Claire's face CLA could smell Daphne's perfume and something else vinegar the salad dressing may be from Daphne's lunch Claire thought it again oh very bad hi Claire said she hadn't seen dapne Dixon in ages her voice should convey more excitement instead it contained false enthusiasm dread the old usess guilt and fear that what was coming was not going to be pleasant Daphney how are you fine fine fine fine fine fine fine Daphne said in a way that made Claire like JD think mental still patient I'm fine lock told me you're chairing the Gayla this year yes CLA said I am you know why they asked you right Daphne said right right right right CLA said because they want Max West Daphne said but lock doesn't think you'll be able to deliver they'd been talking for 10 seconds and already Daphne had landed a jab the most announced result of the car accident was that Daphne had lost the filter between the appropriate and the inappropriate she had lost her ability to finesse social situations to turn a blind eye candy coat lie so lock has a call in to Steven Tyler from Aerosmith we knew him a little in Boston okay but I'm pretty sure that and the other gal Isabelle French she's some calls to people on Broadway though frankly I think she's pretending to be more connected than she actually is I've never met her CLA said we have a meeting though next week I want you to tell me if Isabelle French makes any overtures toward my husband will you tell me overtures if she touches him or if they spend time alone together I want you to call me between you and me that woman is a Viper here I'm going to give you my card Daphne rifled through her purse which was also quilted she was wearing jeans and a pair of suede Jack Rogers sandals she looked great but this was just plain old deception Daphne pulled out a business card and handed it to Claire it was white with Daphne's name and various phone numbers printed in Navy Claire had never known anyone to have a business card just for herself as a person it was unusual right an affectation of the wealthy the card should read Daphne Dixon crazy person or Daphne Dixon mental patient so that you would know never to dial the numbers even if you did see Isabelle French grabbing lock Dixon by the neck tie and planting a kiss on his lips okay CLA said we'll do I mean it Claire Daphne Dixon said she tucked her very dark hair behind one red ear why was her ear so red agitation she was standing so close to CLA that CLA could see the delicate purple veins of Daphne's ear I want you to call me if you see anything if you suspect anything when I say viper I mean Viper she kissed another woman's husband in front of everyone on the the dance floor of the waldor aoria ballroom last spring and it is a well-known fact that Isabelle French wants to [ __ ] my husband Claire laughed she did not find that statement funny at all but there was no point in further engaging the woman agree yes Daphne you bet I'll let you know and extricate yourself from the conversation get the hell out of there you bet CLA said she pushed her cart all the way to the ham bacon smoked sausages pickles and sauerkraut she could feel Daphne Dixon behind her but she was afraid to check she stopped feigning interest in sauerkraut thinking that rather than have Daphne Dixon Shadow her through the store she would let Daffney pass her she fingered a package of sauerkraut Claire liked it but no one else in the house did and then she studied a jar of kosher Dills pickles d Dixon said Claire was so spooked she nearly dropped the jar Daphne was right up against her back you're not pregnant again are you Claire again Clare laughed no she said you're sure that was one of the things I said to lock the problem with asking you to co-chair is that you're always getting pregnant I'm not pregnant at least you're having sex dapne said which is more than we can say about yours truly and if you're having orgasms then you're really one up on me Claire was annoyed to find her interest piqued by these statements Lo and Daphne didn't sleep together so did lock have a thing for Isabelle French was Claire stepping right into the middle of a messy situation friend from college divorced what if it had been Isabelle at the Cozy meeting the week before and not CLA would something have happened between them but Clare had to cut bait here Daphne was like an unsightly piece of toilet paper that Claire had dragged out of the lady's room on her high heel do you ever shower Daphne said she sniffed in cla's general direction and CLA looked down at her clothes yoga pants ratty sneakers a white t-shirt that had turned pale gray and had a juice stain on the sleeve that looked like a gunshot wound she had done some yoga positions that morning she had attempted the sketch of the shandelier she had had 20 phone conversations about Liam's arm what the doctor had said the impending surgery but she had not showered should she explain to Daphne about Liam Siobhan Children's Hospital the roast chicken she didn't smell like flowers certainly but did she stink it was true that that you couldn't smell yourself maybe she did stink but Daphne stanked too like vinegar I do shower Claire said though I haven't yet today I haven't had a chance that's the other thing about lock asking you to chair the gala everyone knows you're stretched out like old gum four kids one of them a baby and you let your career go down the tubes my career didn't go down the tubes CLA said lock and I love your glass but now it's gone Daphne snapped her fingers dust Vapor she took a deep dramatic breath we need the Gayla to succeed Claire we need someone who can give it a dedicated effort Claire felt tears prick her eyelids and that was the problem now with Daphne she told you the unadulterated truth about yourself until you cried she didn't do it to be mean she simply couldn't help herself minutes earlier Claire had been thinking about how things weren't connected how there was no tit fortat no retribution for one's actions visited on one from above but maybe she was mistaken this verbal assault right now was one small piece of payback for everything that had happened the night of d D's accident the irreparable damage that had no name was this Daphne was now rude and not only rude but mean she forgot things easily she repeated herself a hundred times whole thoughts and ideas as well as individual words it became a verbal tick this repetition it became a stutter she had remarked to Julie Jackson while her head was still swathed in bandages I can see everything everything now everything is crystal clear but that seemed to mean she had complete disregard for the rules of polite Society for small talk for being thought of as kind and amenable instead she was sharp tonged and venomous she was notoriously brutal nobody liked Daphne Dixon anymore she set out to sting people like a wasp she was her own doppelganger now after the accident it was a bowl of cream gone rancid it was always Claire who stuck up for her she's not that bad really when she's on her medication she's perfectly fine the guilt old and useless was tar in her hair It Was An Invisible Thread snarled around her heart Claire had bought the last drink she had not absolutely insisted that Daphne get into the T taxi and a woman's personality had been forever altered Daphne was somebody else now and Claire blamed herself here in the chilly outer ring of the stoping shop Claire was receiving her Just Desserts Daphne was holding up a mirror and forcing Clare to look how can you chair the Galla when you can't even take a shower when you were careless in the hot shop and put yourself into pre-term labor when you won't face the fact that your baby isn't now and may never be right how can you give it a dedicated effort my nephew broke his arm playing hockey and was Medevac to Boston Claire said I have to go I want to make Shon some dinner Daphne's face softened oh God she said how awful by all means go go let me know if there's anything I can do to help CLA looked at Daphne her ears were pink again like a regular person's ears she was at that second her old self but that was part of the problem too the inconsistency Daphne bounced like a tennis ball between two frames of mind which personality were you going to get Claire was no dummy she was being given a pass and she was going to take it okay I will CLA said see you later Daphne chapter 3 he asks her again when Claire walked up the stairs of the Elijah Baker house for the second Gayla meeting she found lock Dixon sitting at his desk much as he had been two weeks earlier minus the sandwich he was wearing a pink shirt this time and a red paisley tie the classical station was on featuring harpsicord music the office was dark but for the desk lamp and the blue glow of Lock's computer Clare checked her watch confused it was 5 after 8 where is everybody she said and at the same time lock said didn't you get my message what message no the meeting was cancelled postponed to next week oh Claire said no I didn't get it we should have tried your cell phone I told Gavin that and he looked around the office for the number but to no avail I'm sorry Adams has the flu and Isabelle couldn't call in tonight so we bumped the meeting back to next week I feel bad that you had to come all the way into town for nothing for nothing well in a way it was for nothing but Claire didn't regret it she turned to survey the rest of the office is Gavin here she said no Lo said he left at 5 oh CLA said well you and I could talk over some things and at the same time Lo said would you like a glass of wine vonier CLA said she worried she was pronouncing it wrong though she had practiced at home in the shower Von yay yes I'd love some when lock returned from the kitchen with the wine he said have you given my proposition any thought your proposition she said immediately blushing about the auction item he said about your triumphant return as an artist oh she said she took a deep breath then sank into the chair opposite his desk he sat on the edge of his desk close to her I wasn't sure if you were serious or not of course I was serious $50,000 your bubbles sculptures are worth several times that right but he sipped his wine and shook his head never mind then it was just a thought it was a really nice thought Claire said I'm flattered that you believe my work might be worthy worthy lock said it's more than worthy hardly anyone on this island knows me as a glass blower CLA said oh come on of course they do I mean they know that's what I do or did but practically nobody's seen my work the vases yes but not my real work that's a shame lock said I have a select clientele Claire said five people I'm what you call Extreme Boutique you should be as famous as Simon Pierce lock said one good thing about doing the auction would be the exposure but that's not what I want Claire said I never wanted to be Simon Pierce mass-produced and all that of course not you're an artist Claire looked at her hands they had been calloused for so many years calloused and sore cut and burned they were just starting to look like a normal woman's hands red from the dishwater stre with magic marker but was this a good thing she didn't know talking about working again tore her in half it had felt wonderful to open the Sketchbook and the image of the pulled Taffy chandelier would not leave her alone but then Claire thought of the kids especially of Zach should she explain to Lo how Zach had weighed 2B 7 o when he was born and spent the first five weeks of his life on a respirator how now at 8 months he wasn't crawling yet whereas her other children had been cruising around holding on to the furniture Dr Patel had told her not to worry kids develop at different Paces Claire CLA wanted to see a specialist but she was terrified of what he would say she was certain there was something wrong in it was her fault her doctor had warned her I can't do it she said Lo looked at her for a long while with an inscrutable expression on his face okay he said Claire felt tears coming on what was wrong with her she suddenly felt very sad and sorry for herself she tried to stop crying in front of lock was embarrassing at home it seemed one of the children was always crying Claire was the one who plucked the tissues wiped the noses kissed the bumps and bruises scolded the perpetrator she did not cry she realized because there was no one to comfort her Jason was as emotionally feeble as the children if he were watching her now silently weeping he would be baffled lock offered her a handkerchief Claire blotted her face thinking how Charming it was that there was still a man in the world who carried a handkerchief are you okay he asked did I hit a nerve I didn't mean to no Claire said it's okay Lo handed her her wine she took a sip and tried to collect herself can I ask you a question shoot why do you work here I mean you're you don't have to work right Lo gave her another one of his incredible Smiles everyone needs something meaningful to do I sold my business so I could move to the island permanently but I never meant to stop working I never meant to have a life where all I did was golf and talk to my stock broker that's not me no Claire said it's really none of my business I looked around the island to see where I would be happiest I looked at buying a real estate development company but that felt a little empty at this point in my life there was a woman who cleaned rooms at the hospital when Daphne was there for physical therapy her name was Marcela Venda do you know her no Claire said Dominican woman four kids three teenage boys always in trouble and a daughter husband was a deadbeat alcoholic he worked some days and some days spent at the Muse playing Kino I got to know Marcela a little bit she worked three jobs she developed a cocaine Habit to stay awake basically but the house was a hell hole and the daughter agripina found a rat in her cereal bowl oh God CA said it happens Lo said I had no idea until I met Marcela but it happens here just like everywhere else I wanted to give Marcela money but money doesn't help it goes right to drugs what she needed was programs and that was how I found nantucket's children I never heard that story before Claire said well everybody wonders why I'm here but few are brave enough to ask you asked oh Claire said raising money for nantucket's children is the most important job I've ever had when Claire stood up her legs wobbled she was feeling weepy again okay she was hormonal she hadn't been right since she stopped nursing Zach but no it wasn't that it was something bigger in her Universe an apocalyptic decision was being made it wasn't because of Lock's spiel about making a difference or the rat in a little girl cereal bowl at least not completely Claire was making this decision because she wanted to she felt like a person she had nearly lost in a crowd her old self I'll do the auction piece she said you will he said are you sure now I feel like I goed you into it I'm sure she said she waited not breathing was this moment loaded for him or was the emotion all in her mind she had after all just made a Monumental decision lock was standing before her Larger than Life a god of sorts a person who could make things happen I should go she said but wait he said there was something in his voice that held her there what she whispered thank you he said he thought she was doing it for him or for the cause but she was doing it ultimately for herself no she said thank you when Clare got home Jason was awake watching TV with Zach asleep on his chest because the whole world was now transformed CLA looked on them tenderly her husband and her baby they knew nothing about her how was the meeting Jason asked oh Clare said fine I have to try to find Matthew tomorrow he's on tour in Southeast Asia Jason said I saw it on Entertainment Tonight you did yeah the Sultan of brunai attended one of his concerts it was a pretty big deal the richest man in the world dancing to this could be a song funny said she sat carefully in the chair next to Jason listen there's something I want to talk to you about Jason's attention was back on the TV Deal or No Deal Jace I'm serious I have to talk to you Jason emitted air that was part side part Huff she was horning in on his date with asinine TV she had rehearsed a line in the car give it to him straight skip the cushioning remarks he didn't want to hear them but Claire found the raw words hard to say Jason was glaring at her he had only muted the TV he had not turned it off what he said I'm going back to work instinctively it seemed he squeezed Zack right theil guilt was so automatic cla's fingers started to tingle she had regained Consciousness on the medflight jet with Jason stroking her hair they don't know about the baby he had said they don't know about the baby now the accusation was loud and clear in Jason's silence her work had nearly killed their son if he had his way she would never set foot in the hot shop again she had overheard him telling Carter that he wanted to dismantle it Bomb It Burn It Down what he said I'm going back to work for one project did chick call that was the right question chick Clawson had flown to Boston to see Clare in the hospital he was racked with guilt that Clare had gone down while working on his piece and Claire was racked with guilt that she had to ask a studio to finish it she told Jas that she would only return to work for chick but both of them knew chick would never ask no she said not chick I'm going to create a piece for the Gayla auction Jesus Claire Jason said lock asked me she said he thinks it will bring in a lot of money it's too much to ask Jason said you're already chering the damn thing I know Claire said but but I'm ready to go back I want to get back in there I miss it it's who I am it's a part of who you are Jason said an important part and what about the kids they'll be fine I have pan to help me it's not going to take a lot of time sure it is Jason said they're not asking you to make cupcakes for a bake sale CLA they want an auction piece something INTC kit what I make is my choice he shuddered jarring the baby Zach started to cry bitterly Jason said great you woke him up Claire said I was hoping you would understand I was hoping you would get it I'm ready to go back here Jason held Zach out to her Zack clawed the air like an upside down bug Jason said it hasn't even been a year Zach is still a baby and a baby needs his mother you should have said no not just to the glass but to all of it the whole thing the Gaya Claire took the baby and kissed his forehead she didn't know how to respond and it didn't matter Jason went back to watching TV there was no predicting how happy the idea of going back to work would make her Claire was both her old self and a new person she was more energetic with the kids solicitous playful she kissed JD on the cheek and he freaked out and CLA laughed merrily and kissed him again and tickled him under the arms until he said mom quit it with a big grin on his face she bought a new Sketchbook and a set of number two pencils she sharpened the pencils and stroked the heavy creamy paper she then spent 2 hours sketching the pulled Taffy chandelier in meticulous detail it was going to be nearly impossible to execute by hand on her own but this galvanized her Siobhan called just as CLA was ready to take a break sioban said how's the work going she had been skeptical when Clare told her the news she didn't understand why CLA would work if she didn't have to she didn't understand why CLA was going back to slave over a project that she wouldn't even get paid for you're a bloody fool clairey No Boundaries CLA said it feels better than a hot stone massage sioban said oh come on and laughed really CLA said you're soft in the head Siobhan said it felt good to have a mission setting the two hours aside for work made the rest of her day go more efficiently she did not languish in useless yoga positions and she did not spend precious minutes trying to entice Zach to pick up a Cheerio she accomplished more she found herself with a spare hour before pickup and when was the last time that had happened she could cut pan a break and take Zach for a walk to the beach but she wanted to return to lock on Monday with a gift a surprise a thank you for the change he had brought about in her life and so she took the phone into her room room and locked the door she rifled through her address book which was filled with the torn corners of envelopes and assorted weave moved announcements Claire did herself the favor of dating these things but she never found time to write them down Matthew Westfield AKA Max West there was a cell phone number which Claire knew to be useless the last time CLA had tried to contact him was 2 years earlier on behalf of Siobhan Brother Dean in Dublin who wanted concert tickets she had been unable to reach Matthew on the cell phone that time and so she left a message for him with his agent Bruce in LA and sure enough tickets arrived by DHL on Dean's doorstep but the last time Claire had actually spoken to Matthew was nearly a dozen years earlier he had called her from the Minneapolis Airport he was on his way to hazeldon for rehab I can't beat it clear Matthew had said then the bottle I can't [ __ ] beat it the bottle Claire thought should have been easier than the cocaine but in the past 12 years Matthew had been in three times for alcohol abuse Claire thought back to high school in those days she was the only one who could get away with buying beer she put her hair in hot rollers and wore her mother's long black skirt and sensible flat shoes she looked Matthew used to say like one of the Amish but she never once got carded they drank in fields in the woods and in summertime at the Quarry where Matthew plastered used to dive into the jade green water from the highest outcrop of rocks he had been so Cavalier he had thought himself indestructible they drank at the beach or at one of the empty rental houses on the street across from the beach they wandered the boardwalk ogling its Carnival atmosphere the blue and green neon spokes of the ferris wheel the strings of round lights outlining the kettle corn Taffy and slushy stands the hundreds of kitchy shops greetings from Wildwood with a sense of hilarious wonder the drinking had been innocent a mood enhancer and it was Rebellion too of course it was usually only part of the night and not the night night itself though there were exceptions to that nights when either she or Matthew or both of them drank so much that they puked until dawn for the most part the nights of their youth had been about music Matthew took his guitar everywhere he slung it over his back and placed it next to them on the beach or in the grass when they made love he sang to their group of friends to strangers he sang to Claire he sang to himself there had been plenty of times when Claire grew jealous of the music when she accused Matthew of being obsessed with it music was his drug back then it surprised Claire that alcohol had reached out and grabbed Matthew as an adult by the neck why him and not her of course his life in the interim between their last month together August 1987 and the present had contained excesses such as CLA could only imagine Matthew had told her about some of it the drugs the alcohol the girls the parties the complete lack of Scruples characteristic of a rock and roll tour bus there was not one wholesome thing about his stormy eyes tour not one night where he drank water and went to bed early not one sentence uttered without a swear word not one steamed vegetable not one breath of air that didn't contain the the sweet suggestion of marijuana smoke it was all vodka and tits he said and pressure that was the real monkey on his back the pressure Claire had spoken to Matthew in the Minneapolis Airport as he awaited his escort to hazeldon for nearly an hour mostly it was him talking reminiscing apologizing I should never have let you go we were happy happy she said your father hated me he did not your mother thought I sang off key don't be silly she thought you had the voice of an Angel remember when I sang at the pony things were simple then simple Claire said she laughed remember when you let me play the tambourine you were a regular Tracy partridge she could hear him smiling I miss you he said if you ever need anything anything at all or if you ever need anything she said ask he said ask she said so she had an ancient cell phone number and Bruce's number in La call Bruce it was only October if Max called her back back in 3 weeks or a month or even two months that would still leave plenty of time to book him as the talent or she could write to Matthew's mother Sweet Jane Westfield who still lived on East Aster Road in Wildwood Crest Claire got a Christmas card from her every year Sweet Jane was the one constant in Matthew's life if Jane received a note from Claire she would pin it to her corkboard over the sink Claire could see the corkboard plain as day as well as the crocheted cover that went over the tea kettle and she would mention it to Matthew when he called which he did every Sunday Claire would do both she found sweet Jane's address in her book and handw wrote a note in large print explaining that she needed to get a hold of Matthew she wanted Matthew to play a short concert here on Nantucket to benefit a children's charity it's not for me Clare wrote it's for the island kids would you please have him call me my number is in a PS she mentioned that her kids were doing well no doubt sweet Jane still had Zach's birth announcement pinned to the corkboard and she asked after Monty sweet Jane's cat next she dialed Bruce Mandalay Matthew's agent Bruce Mandalay was the person who discovered Matthew at The Stone Pony it came as a surprise because although there were always agents and managers and record producers at the stone own pony thanks to Springstein and bonjovi they were normally easy to pick out they had slick hair and diamond earrings they wore suits Bruce manderlay looked like a manager at a box Factory he was ordinary ponchy balding with rimless glasses and a mustache and sturdy wing tip shoes he was soft spoken non-threatening to the point of invisibility Matthew had signed with him because he was serious smart sensible Bruce thought the song parents know could be a single he offered to put the money up himself to have Matthew record it professionally in New York Matthew did so and then almost immediately Bruce hooked him up with colia just like that Matthew shot toward the Stars when Matthew went to New York to record the single he'd insisted CLA come along she rode in the back of Bruce's Pinto from Wildwood to Manhattan Bruce had treated her nicely better than she had thought a tagalong girlfriend would be treated at a rest stop Bruce bought her a cheeseburger and a coke he asked her about college she told him Ry and he said impressive he had five daughters himself he said but as Matthew became more important to Bruce CLA became less less important when she showed up backstage at the Beacon Theater 18 months later Max West was opening for the Almond Brothers Bruce didn't recognize her was she that forgettable or were there just so many girls by then that Bruce couldn't keep track Claire had been out of touch for so long now that she might have to remind Bruce who she was but that was okay there had been hundreds of girls for Matthew possibly even thousands including two wives and one unfortunate mistress the most famous actress of modern times but Claire had the distinction of being the first girl the one Matthew had loved before he was famous hello Bruce manderlay Bruce Claire said this is Clare Danner calling there was a pause well the request for tickets had been 2 years ago and it was possible that CLA had an inflated View of her importance in Matthew's history I'm Matthew's yes Bruce said Claire yes hello his voice sounded the same very calm and metered he was a non-agent agent nothing got him excited or riled up being Max West's agent must have made him a rich and powerful man but you would never know it Clare wondered about his Five Daughters they had been younger than Clare but by now they were all grown Bruce might even be a grandfather Claire didn't have time to ask she had to pick up the kids from school in 15 minutes I have a favor to ask Bruce tickets Bruce said max is in Southeast Asia he's not playing in the states again until spring it's not tickets Claire said it was so much more than tickets that she wasn't sure how to ask a free 90 concert on a baseball diamond for a thousand wealthy summer people who might not even dance she'd eaten a salami sandwich for lunch and now she had heartburn no Bruce said and his voice sounded both interested and wary I'm the co-chair of a benefit here on netet Claire said it's called the summer gay lights cocktails and dinner for a thousand people and traditionally there's a concert silence it's a charity event Claire said a $1,000 a ticket and all the money goes to this organization I'm involved with called nantucket's children silence I want Matthew Max I mean to play it silence for free had Bruce hung up she wouldn't have blamed him if he had it's August 16th a Saturday Claire said here on Nantucket net is off the coast of I know where Nantucket is okay Claire said she took a deep breath what do you think she heard the shuffling of papers Bruce manderlay cleared his throat Hollywood hospice Doctors Without Borders say save the children the United Way of Orange County the Metropolitan Museum of Art Dade County SPCA the dren Heimer center for the elderly of St Louis the capistan School for the Blind the Red Cross the Seattle Symphony the Redbone fishing tournament for Cystic Fibrosis the home for [ __ ] citizens of Rock City Iowa the Conservancy project of est's Park the First Baptist Church of tup the Jackson Mississippi botanical gardens the Cleveland Clinic Arthur Ash Youth tennis and Education data that's Bono's thing in Africa the Mount Rushmore restoration concern okay Claire said stop I get it Bruce sighed he was a non-agent agent and he had bought the cheeseburger and the coke for CLA so long ago when she had no money for lunch herself but he wasn't exactly kind either maybe he had been kind at one time but representing Max West through 20 years of meteoric success had made him a realist it was hard to be a realist and kind Claire he said she should never have called she should have mailed the letter to Sweet Jane and waited to hear back Jane Westfield was sweet she was kind she had known CL since Clare was 12 years old she wouldn't give Claire a song and dance but what really did Clare know maybe she would Claire felt like she was going to cry it was rejection plain and simple and the thing was she deserved it for being so smug for assuming that she had been an unforgettable influence in Matthew's life you don't forget your high school sweetheart do you but maybe you did she hadn't seen Matthew in Forever in a day lock doesn't think you'll be able to deliver she couldn't deliver she experienced vestages of an old hurt Claire out behind The Stone Pony hugging Matthew holding on to him for dear life knowing she was going to lose him and it was combined with the hurt she was going to feel when she told lock Dixon who admired her and believed in her that she couldn't get Max West it's okay she whispered I get it all those people want him those are just the requests from this month Bruce said this is what's come in since he's been gone he turned down Bono Claire and nearly all of the organizations are willing to pay I know CLA said I just thought I'd ask you were right to ask Bruce said he was quiet again and Claire thought please let's just end this call did he expect her to make nice and ask about his daughters now do you know who I work for he said who Claire said max West right he's like my own son Bruce said I know everything about him for example I know he's in brunai right now jonesing like crazy because the sultan is Muslim and his kingdom is dry right Claire said there were only 10 minutes until pickup she had to hang up listen would you do me a favor if you talk to Max will you tell him I called and just ask him tell him it's really really important to me I don't have to ask him Bruce said I know everything about him him if I tell him you called and asked for this crazy inconceivable thing I know what he'll say what he'll say yes what he'll say for Claire Danner yes free concert no problem sure Saturday August 16th you're lucky because he happens to be free he flies to Spain a few days later so yes he'll be there Claire stood up from the bed she started to bounce she couldn't help herself but she didn't want Bruce to know she was bouncing really she said you think I don't think Bruce said I know he'll be there chapter 4 he surprises her on Sunday Jason and J D spent all day scalloping and on Monday night Claire sauteed the scallops for dinner and served them with risoto and asparagus Clare wanted Jason to be happy about dinner because he was not happy to hear she had another Gayla meeting is this what it's going to be like he asked two three nights a week you at meetings leaving me with the kids they're your kid kids too Claire said it will be good for you to spend time with them it'll be good for them to spend time with you just answer my question Jason said is this what it's going to be like only at first Clare promised blindly I told you it was a mistake you should have said no well I can't back out now can I no Jason said grudgingly no Claire said there had been a crackled message on the machine left late Friday night while Jason and CLA were at Joe's 40th birthday party it was Matthew calling from brunai saying he was coming to Nantucket in August I can't wait to see you again he said God this is going to be great even Jason was impressed with CLA for locking up Max West so quickly so easily and for free CLA had let the news slip after a couple of glasses of champagne at Joe's birthday party looks like Max West is playing the Gayla and voila five people agreed to be on her committee including Julie Jackson's husband Brent hooray CLA might have been a rock star herself Joe's wife put a Max West CD on the stereo and everyone danced and CLA heard Jason say yeah he'll probably stay with us he's crazy about Claire they dated you know in high school they nearly got married so there was no backing out now the kids regarded their dinner plates dolefully even JD who had been so proud of bringing home two bushels of scallops didn't want to eat them do we have to Shay asked yes Jason said he was snarfing down his food but CLA just picked at her plate not unlike the kids she had called lock that morning and said I have something to tell you he' said great what is it I'd like to tell you in person she waited a beat two 3 he sounded like he was shuffling papers did he get it he said can you meet tonight as CLA climbed the stairs of the Elijah Baker house she felt weightless and sick the symptoms were the same as heat stroke shallow breathing hot dry skin rocketing heart rate she was going to pass out how was she getting one foot in front of the other she was climbing the stairs to meet with lock that was all the thought that it might be something more was completely inan Affairs only happen in novels and on TV but that wasn't exactly true was it every winter someone on Nantucket had an affair the Circuit Judge or the high school chemistry teacher or the woman who gave private piano lessons and everyone else heard about the Gory details caught in bed with a manager from the Atlantic Cafe threw her belongings into the front yard Siobhan was a big fan of the annual Affair story she was the first to castigate the couple for having an affair and for getting caught Immortal sneaky deceptive people Siobhan said gleefully stupid careless what always crossed Claire's mind was How brave the person must have been and how unhappy Claire was not brave she hadn't had the courage to suggest a night meeting herself she had merely willed lock to do it and Claire wasn't unhappy she loved her kids she loved Jason she had Siobhan and a host of other friends she had full-time help and a newfound zest for her work she was was not unhappy and since she was not brave and not unhappy nothing would happen she would tell Lo the incredible news about Matthew it was such big news it should be announced in person and then she would leave the office was so dark that Claire thought it must be uninhabited and immediately she panicked had lock forgotten if he had forgotten she would be wounded but also relieved D she would slip out of the office and try to forget that anything interesting had ever transpired there but then she rounded the corner into the office and there was lock at his computer working the desk lamp was off as was the radio there was very little light and no music and no sandwich no wine but Lo was there at the computer wearing his glasses CLA studied him he was just a person a balding slightly overweight middle-aged man with deep eyes and a magnetic smile and maybe this was the most attractive thing about him an unquestionable authority hi Claire said he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes as though he were having a dream that was too good to believe I I saw you coming down the street he said did you I did I've been watching for you for oh about 5 days oh Claire said she was tongue tied and jumbled up had he really just said that had he meant it she wanted to say something equally sweet back to him but it was as if she was holding an instrument she didn't know how to play no matter what she said she would strike the wrong note he stood up and she approached the desk she thought they were taking their places she would sit in the chair and he would sit on the edge of the desk but he bypassed the desk and came toward her she stopped he stopped Lo looked at her and her stomach dropped away whoosh gone he touched Claire's cheek then ran his thumb across her lips he kissed her oh it was so deeply entrenched as a fantasy in Claire's interior life that she couldn't believe it was actually happening lock Dixon kissed her only once then he pulled away Claire thought she might fall over backward she was afraid to move afraid to speak she was in a bubble where all that mattered was that Lo had kissed her and might kiss her again Claire he said he spoke her name with Wonder and respect as if it was a beautiful name as if she was a beautiful woman was she a beautiful woman she hardly ever felt beautiful she was too harried too often in her yoga pants with her wild red hair and a bun Jason came after her in bed all the time but did he think she was beautiful if she asked him he would laugh and say something patronizing the part of their marriage that had dissolved was the part where he told her she was beautiful it was the part where they held hands at dinner or had a drink together in front of the fire it was the part where when she said she had something to talk to him about he turned off the TV instead of merely muting it the part of their marriage that had dissolved was the breathlessness of moments like this one I don't know what to say this the truth from her he nodded I'm going to kiss you again okay she nodded he kissed her more deeply for longer a full second then two her mouth opened she tasted him it was Heaven she was 12 years old this was her first kiss it stayed innocent like that just the kissing no part of their bodies touched except for their lips their tongues it was sweet and intoxicating Claire achd for him did he ache for her she had no idea she knew enough about relationships though to pull back first is this wise she said now she sounded like the person she knew herself to be what if someone finds us up here in the dark someone like who lock said he touched her face again he held it with both his hands so that her face felt small and delicate like a child's face a doll's face like Gavin Andrews Claire thought or Daphne or Jason or Adam's Fisk but she didn't speak she was too wrapped by Lock's hands on her face and in the next second by his kissing her they were kissing again Claire's mind was a tornado Why would is this happening why her of all people had he had feelings for her for a while or were his feelings newly hatched like her own feelings would this go any further Lo Dixon had an unquestionable authority he was a leader a commander he knew what he was doing at all times Claire didn't have to be brave he would be brave for both of them she would be swept up behind him on Horseback and he would Gallop them across the fields and if he knew she was thinking all these Preposterous things he wouldn't want to be kissing her anymore at the same time that cla's mind was mowing down all her previous convictions and expectations she was present in the physicality of the moment she was kissing him tasting him feeling the heat of his palms on her face then in her hair then against her back he pressed himself against her and she took a stutter step backward and he caught her she pulled away what are we doing she said right he said I don't know okay Claire said relieved good do you want to stop he said he sounded concerned almost scared am I pressuring you into something you'd rather not be doing no no no I don't have an explanation he said I am as stunned as you are it's like someone cast a spell on me from the moment you set foot in here for the first meeting the first meeting Claire said but not before not at the lunch not 2 years ago or 5 years ago I've known you a while but not really Lo said right right CA said I thought you hated me she remembered his eyes when she showed up at the front door with that basket for Daphne that horrible look hated you because of Daphne the night of her accident I bought her last drink and then the cab we asked her to join us we begged her but she refused and you thought I hated you blamed me yes I blame myself because you're that kind of person a caring person you would worry you would blame yourself for something that was very clearly not your fault lock loosened his tie his white shirt was turned back neatly at the Cuffs his watch glinted in the Lamplight I've known for a long time that you're a good person good like the rest of us aspire to be and I admired your work but then you walked in here and we spent time together and suddenly it dawned on me that I am a lonely man Claire's mind flickered to the half eaten turkey and cranberry sandwich on white butcher paper to the daughter Heather at Andover studying eating playing field hockey and sleeping all under the supervision of people who were not her parents parents I have been lonely for so long he said but I didn't feel lonely until I spent that hour with you so I made you feel lonely you made me feel unlonely and then you left and I couldn't stop thinking about you I had the same problem Claire said I am not like this he said I have not kissed a woman other than my wife in 20 years really was this true Claire thought of Isabelle French what about Isabelle French what about her I saw your wife at the grocery store she seemed to think there might be something going on between you and Isabelle French she said that CLA looked at the floor now she had the weirdly unpleasant feeling that she'd betrayed Daphne's confidence which felt like a worse offense somehow than kissing lock yes Claire said Daphne doesn't always realize what she's saying this was a generous spin on the way things were but CLA wasn't going to argue with lock about Daphne's state of mind I have no feelings for Isabelle French he said other than compassion compassion bad divorce lock said and some subsequent bad decisions I haven't met her yet CLA said you will yes this sounded sort of like a discussion about the Gayla which was odd because they were standing very close to each other closer than normal people would stand Claire was inside Lock's orbit she was a captive of his magnetic field fi it's like someone cast a spell on me was this total [ __ ] God knows it sounded like it if Jason had heard lock speak those words he would have gared and choked on his spit he would have questioned Lock's sincerity and possibly his sexual orientation but that was how Claire felt too she had attended the lunch at the Yacht Club terrified of lock Dixon but after the first meeting she was thinking about him in a whole new way thinking about him all the time he'd wooed her somehow and now they were kissing and she didn't understand it and he didn't either apparently and that came as a relief he was not a brave Horseman after all if it did turn into something more it would be the two of them bumbling their way through the dark which felt like something Claire might be able to handle since they were on the topic of the Gayla sort of Claire decided to bring up the ostensible reason she was here I got Max West she said he'll do it for free I know lock said I heard how CLA said how do you know someone told me who I promised not to reveal my source it was someone you were at a party with over the weekend so one of 25 people it was a very small island I thought you'd be shocked you didn't think I could do it of course I did so you're proud of me I'm proud of you he leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead I started sketching the chandelier she said that's great he said it is great CLA said I've been wanting to get back into the hot shop I just needed a push I'm nothing if not pushy he said he checked his watch I should get home stupidly this pierced her Claire had thought he would try to persuade her to stay didn't he want her to stay didn't he want to kiss her some more she had only been having an affair for 20 minutes and already she was jealous okay she said thank God for words like okay employable in any situation even when what you meant was the opposite of okay Claire had to get out of there she was in danger of sinking into an emotional Quagmire she hadn't taken her jacket off and hence she couldn't busy herself with putting it back on there was nothing left to do but turn and go was that what she should do so I'll see you she wanted to know if this was it would there be more and if there was to be more than when and where we have a meeting Wednesday night lock said right CLA said she had mentioned Wednesday's meeting to the people who had volunteered for the committee she would have to call and remind them I'll see you Wednesday then she turned to go yes go and he took her arm he pulled her to him she filled with Elation he wasn't ready to let her go he kissed her so gently that she admitted a sigh and then he kissed her more hungrily he wanted her she could feel him wanting her she could feel his arms around her trembling with fear or lust or in an attempt to hold himself back she had no idea but she loved it the person she was a good person a person committed to kindness who showed up with a basket of soup and soap a peace offering did not do things like this but Lock's trembling his kiss was a drug a rush an attraction too powerful to resist Claire thought of Jason and of her kids and they seemed distant but sweet too and simple and and safe what was she doing she was too easy she was the universal acceptor lock pressed her up against the wall he ran his hands up inside her sweater he touched her nipples lightly with his palms she gasped his touch was electric she should go now she'd asked for this in her mind and here it was amazing foreign scary because what came next what happened now this was all still relatively innocent it had yet to take on heavy cumbersome labels like adultery or cheating this was leading to serious trouble to something Claire would regret something she would not be able to wish away or undo and yet she didn't want to stop she didn't want to pull away she didn't want to his hand hands were on her waist he tugged at her belt loops you made me feel unlonely we should go she whispered yes he said they did not stop they kissed he touched her she was afraid to touch him so she kept her hands on his arms and noted how strong and solid his muscles were and how soft his shirt was she ran her fingers up his arms to his shoulders she touched the collar of his shirt and the back of his neck and he pulled back and said it has been so long since someone touched me like that Claire felt wistful thinking of Lo who was rich yes who had unquestionable Authority who was good-hearted and right and smart but who was so lonely he was not Derek Jeter or Brad Pit but despite this CLA was sure he could have had any woman he wanted and he had picked her she touched his ears and the very short hair on the back of his head she was manhandled four times a week by Jason but she understood Lock's longing really she said we should go CLA did not know anything about Affairs but she was an expert when it came to finesse and time timing these were the gifts of a glass blower knowing not to blow a piece out too thin knowing when to back off when to cool a piece down she felt that way now they couldn't go any further he released her reluctantly the reluctance was what she savored I'll see you Wednesday she said and she slipped down the stairs as Claire descended the stairs of the office into the crisp Smoky Autumn air she felt like she was filling up with bubbles or feathers lock Dixon had kissed her they had kissed he did not hate her after all he liked her God she couldn't believe it she had been thinking of this of him but carefully circumspectly because never once had she allowed herself to believe that he might reciprocate her feelings her intense curiosity her nent desire what she'd had basically was a crush and crushes were never Mutual but yes tonight yes Clare floated to her car feeling as if she would explode in a burst of light or flower petals or paper confetti she wanted to tell someone and that of course meant Siobhan but even as Claire palmed her cell phone she knew she could never tell Siobhan sioban although she was cla's best friend and the closest thing to a sister Clare had ever had would not be able to handle this news this was not some half-baked fantasy about the trash boy or the UPS man knocking on the door and CLA or Siobhan inviting him in this was not Siobhan putting a dare out there and then jumping out of Harm's Way at the last minute this was real this had happened Claire could not tell Siobhan she could not tell anyone on Tuesday Claire broke her own rules she didn't even know she had rules but as she climbed the stairs of the Elijah Baker house her heart hammering she knew this was not wise showing up the very next day out of the blue and yet she couldn't help herself Bruce Mandalay had sent Clara fax at home the contract and Rider for Max West's performance and Claire wanted to drop it off for log or Adams to peruse Matthew was playing for free but there were some things in the paperwork that concerned Claire he was bringing Terry and Alfonso from his band bass and drums he never played without them and they needed to be paid $10,000 a piece in addition nantucket's children was in charge of hiring four contract musicians who also had to be paid there were pages of production notes which Claire could not make heads or tals of spotlights instruments amps sound systems microphones the rider specified that the band had to be put up in five-star accommodations with all kinds of food and drink down to the Cherry Italian ice Nila Wafers and quick chocolate milk which made Claire laugh because it reminded her of late night trips to the 7-Eleven 25 years earlier the most alarming thing was a clause at the end of the contract which lock was supposed to sign regarding the fact that because of Matthew's drug and alcohol problems Bruce couldn't ensure the performance a Post-It note was stuck to this page written in Bruce's hand he's doing this as a personal favor to Claire and wild hor won't keep him away but but it was Matthew he was always at the mercy of his addictions Claire wanted to give the contract and Rider to lock as soon as possible this was business it was all in the name of attacking her line items before the meeting she had every reason to be stopping by the office and yet she felt obvious as if she was throwing herself at Lock's feet the classical music was playing CLA knocked on the door frame and poked her head in her eyes went right to Lock's desk empty Claire Gavin Andrews looked at her expectantly from behind his desk hi Gavin how are you me Gavin said he looked down at his red and navy striped tie like something a prep school kid would wear as if checking on himself I'm fine CLA didn't actually hear him say fine she was too busy scanning the office no lock and at the same time trying to discern if lock was in the boardroom or the kitchen or the bathroom no he wasn't here she felt relief first then deflation is lock here CLA asked pointlessly he's at lunch with some donors Gavin said what can I help you with Claire regarded Gavin she didn't like him and it had nothing to do with his being a pale replacement for lock Gavin was best described as smug snooty and condescending also he was hard to pin down who was he how old was he Claire put him at 35 though he might have been 32 or 39 he was exceptionally good-look with blonde hair and clear green eyes and smooth shaven cheeks and like lock he always wore a shirt and tie but he was persnikity and critical the one time Claire had engaged him in a personal conversation he told her that as a rule he never dated a woman more than three times more than three times he said and they started sniffing around for a wedding ring Gavin lived in his parents house out by Cisco Beach his parents were old older they lived in Chicago and only made it to net for the month of August the parents had money though it was unclear how much of this trickled down to Gavin he was forever complaining of the High Cost of Living on Nantucket though Clare assumed he lived rent-free and he was always approaching the board with a pay raise which lock supported saying he is very organized and fastidious overall CLA regarded Gavin with suspicion he was living here on Nantucket in his parents house working as a glorified secretary wasting all his obvious potential his looks his articulateness and Poise his college education why he was perfectly nice with CLA and the other board members though CLA sensed him looking down his nose at her he thought as did Daphne Dixon maybe they even talked about it that CLA was sloppy and unkempt that she was a flaky artist who reproduced like a rabbit all those children and she was married to that Carpenter caveman who smoked and spat and fished and drank Bud Light out of cans and drove a black pickup named Darth Vader pompous laughter barely stifled Gavin was Claire's opposite he looked like he went home and showered at lunchtime his shirt and pants were crisp like the pages of a new book and he was single-minded in his Devotion to lock Dixon and the seamless administration of nantucket's children Claire dropped the contract on his desk in a way that was probably rude you heard we got Max West to play the Gayla he nodded once solemnly lock told me congratulations don't congratulate me congratulate us we should make a lot of money indeed we should do you like Max West Clare asked have you you ever seen him in concert I listen to classical Claire you know that but not only classical only classical and jazz every once in a while on the weekends but no rock music Claire said no Blues no rap no country no music with words Gavin smiled at her the classical music came across as an affectation as did the red and white Mini Cooper that Gavin drove the sight of him in that car bugged her though she couldn't say why this is the contract and the rider I'd like lock to look at them go over them with Adams whatever the usual procedure is Gavin straightened the papers they will go most directly into locks inbox thank you Gavin clar beamed as warmly as she could is there anything else Clare eyed the clock it was 10 minutes to 1 lunch with donors had he left at 12 or 12:30 what if she left right now and missed him by a matter of seconds I have some questions about the catering the catering of the Gayla Gavin said what would those be Claire paused she didn't know how to handle the whole catering question Claire had asked Siobhan to sit on the Gayla committee automatically right away because Siobhan was her best friend and CLA wanted to include her but it would be truly awkward if Siobhan sat on the committee and for some reason she and Carter didn't get the catering job right anyone could see the tough position CLA was in she wanted to proceed fairly but the more she thought about it the clearer it became that Claire would somehow have to secure the catering job for Siobhan CLA eyed Gavin was it safe to spill her guts to him about this it was not she decided my sister in-law is interested in bidding the catering job Clare said you know sioban and Carter right Island Fair Gavin noded once briskly so what is the procedure they are free to submit a bid Gavin said we have two bids in already you do it's up big deal the Gayla Gavin said as if she didn't get it can I see the bids Claire asked well technically yes I mean you are the co-chair but I'm going to have to ask you not to share the content of the bids with Carter and Siobhan if you were for example to tell Siobhan what the price per head was and then she came in a couple of bucks under that would fall outside the param of fair business practices to keep your nose clean I would suggest you not look at the bids in fact I would suggest you delegate catering to someone else that's why you have a committee right Claire said reluctantly how to explain to Gavin that Siobhan was cla's best friend and Clare could not deny her the catering can you tell me who gave you the bids at least Claire asked I could Gavin said I certainly could you are the co-chair but what you have to ask yourself is do you really want to know wouldn't it be better from an ethical standpoint to wash your hands of this because you know here in this office we insist things be done in an aboveboard way Claire gazed at the wall next to Gavin's desk only 18 hours earlier lock Dixon had pressed her up against that wall what would Gavin think if he knew he would never believe it and if he'd seen it with his own eyes he would have fainted dead away we insist things be done in an aboveboard way Gavin was weasy CLA decided and self-important he was the kind of guy who assumed that any woman he went out with more than three times would want to marry him and now he was treating the catering bids as if they were the Pentagon papers but unlike 3 weeks ago when CLA had known nothing about the Gayla had done nothing and contributed nothing she now felt she had some clout some bargaining power she had delivered Max West promptly and free of charge surely she could Lobby on Siobhan's behalf is it really that big of a deal Claire asked I'm just trying to keep everything on the up and up you don't want your integrity called into question do you her integrity was becoming a tender spot already God no she said you're right forget I asked Gavin nodded again and got back to work effectively dismissing her you'll show lock the contract when he gets back okay she couldn't really delay another second did she want to delay did she want to see lock yes desperately but now she would be too nervous she would be tongue tied and Gavin with his sharp discriminating eye would detect Something Fishy of foot something fishier than the catering bids get out of there goodbye the following night Wednesday there was a real meeting Jason grumbled and CLA snapped at him for grumbling he was angry that CLA had gone back to work and she was angry that he was angry she was more than angry she was disillusioned Jason didn't value her career and not only did he not value it but he hated it he had told his own brother that he wanted to bomb Claire's hot shop bomb it like a terrorist when CLA had heard him say those words they had not seemed as egregious as they did now Jason had asked Claire to give up her career he made her feel like her career was evil he did not appreciate or respect her work lock was responsible for getting Claire back into the hot shop that was a bond that went beyond the kiss in the office as she grabbed her purse Jason said have fun at your meeting thanks CLA said with open hostility I will Claire could see the lights of the nantucket's children office blazing from half a block away then she saw Brent Jackson Julie's husband and Brent's friend Edward mellor who had the distinction of having once been engaged to Siobhan heading toward the office from Water Street Clare waved and they all climbed the stairs together and CLA was glad she was entering the office with these handsome successful men Brent and Edward were both real estate agents rather than alone the office was a hive of activity Adams Fisk was there shaking hands pounding backs directing people toward the boardroom Francine Davis was there one of Claire's recruits as well as Lauren van Al and the biggest coup Tessa kleene who was an editor at nanm mag the Island's biggest glossiest magazine she would give them great press right away it was a a party of sorts all these people a veritable who's who of year- round Islanders and Claire was so overwhelmed and so pleased with herself for Gathering These Fine Souls that she nearly forgot to look for lock there he was in the corner talking to a woman Claire didn't recognize the woman was attractive wearing a red silk Chinese jacket and jeans she had the sort of long straight hair that distracted men and the hair was loose which seemed like a come on a call for attention on a woman in her 40s why not pull it back or pin it up the hair a pretty light brown was making some kind of statement and Claire didn't like what it was saying she felt as if her own hair true deep red and naturally wavy was a Brillo pad in comparison it was Ronald McD Donal hair she felt immediately defensive not only about her hair but about locks talking to an attractive woman Claire realized just as lock turned and looked at her blankly as though he didn't recognize her that the woman was Isabelle French here in person Claire was taken aback she had expected that Isabelle would call from New York she had been ready for a disembodied voice not an intrigued ing Flesh and Blood presence Lo said CLA and waved her over in a way that made her feel like his servant she tried to smooth the wrinkles in her mind when she was working and she blew out a piece too thin or she marvered lopsidedly the best thing to do was start over go back to The Crucible and get a new gather she could do that now with Isabelle start fresh with a glob of molten possibility that could be coaxed into something Divine the room seemed to part as Claire made her way toward Lo and Isabelle Lo said CLA this is Isabelle French your co-chair Isabelle CLA Crispen CLA smiled she and Isabelle clasped hands like two heads of state Claire could imagine the caption beneath their official photograph Gayla co-chairs meet for the first time it's a pleasure to meet you Isabelle said her voice was smooth and Rich and a touch Smokey like some kind of complicated sauce I know your work of course that was a nice touch Claire thought I know your work it made CLA feel like Gertrude Stein thank you she said it's nice to finally put a face to the name this was the woman in the Indian print tunic whom Claire had seen at the benefit CLA remembered seeing her one other time before that from across the room at a board meeting but Claire could never have guessed from either of those previous sightings that they would someday be Shackled together let's get started lock said will everyone take a seat he pulled out a chair for Isabelle and took the seat beside her CLA felt a twinge of jealousy absurd she remembered Daphne Dixon if she touches him or if they spend time alone together I want you to call me but who was the real threat why it was Claire Claire was the only woman Lo had kissed other than Daphne in 20 years but lock Dixon hadn't pulled out her chair okay stop she thought back to The Crucible she needed to remember why they were there to help people like Marcela Venda to raise money to fund programming to improve people's lives Claire wanted to get away from lock but the chairs were filling up quickly she felt a momentary Panic as if this was a child's game the music was going to stop at any second and she would have to grab a seat and the only seat remaining was was to Lock's right CLA sat down now she and Isabelle were flanking him to cla's right thankfully was Adam Fisk with his mop of brown curls and glasses sliding down his nose Claire adored him unconditionally his youngest son Ryan was JD's best friend Adams was in cla's Foxhole he would watch her back Isabelle cleared her throat I've written up an agenda for the meeting she said she opened up a luscious calf skin portfolio and took out a sheath of papers passed them around Claire felt the first Drop of Poison Sully the new Waters of her relationship with Isabelle she had written up an agenda all right Claire thought that made sense she wouldn't travel all the way from New York City on a Wednesday in October to show up at meeting unprepared so the agenda Claire glanced at lock who had put on his bif focal 48 hours earlier they had been making out like a couple of teenagers in the other room but now that seemed like a figment of Claire's imagination the first line item on Isabelle's agenda was Talent discuss Talent possibilities assign Talent Point person create talent and production uction budget including travel and accommodations Isabelle tucked her long hair behind one ear then tossed the ends over her shoulder it was a move from her personal theater Claire could tell and she knew she'd see a lot of Isabelle's hair tossing between now and August another Drop of Poison in the well since the Gayla is in essence a concert Isabelle said I thought we'd start by discussing Talent Claire opened her mouth to speak but Brent Jackson beat her to it we got Max West he said max West has agreed to play for free Isabelle turned to lock slowly deliberately Claire and everyone else in the room watched fascinated had lock not told Isabelle about Max West Max West Isabelle said max West she might have said his name with awe and admiration or disbelief but what Claire heard was disdain do we want Max West Claire leaned against the back of her Windsor chair so that she could feel every one of her vertebrae and she pressed her feet flat to the ground and simultaneously tried to lower her pelvis she was creating her own yoga position this distraction lasted for a few seconds before the shouting in her head began do we want Max West that was like asking if they wanted Billy Joel John Cougar melon Camp Tom Petty Max West was probably the biggest cross-generational rock star in the whole world he was right up there with Jimmy Buffett and Elton John do we want Max West was she kidding hell yes Brent Jackson said that's why I'm here I love Max West everybody loves Max West Isabelle tilted her head back so that her nose pointed up I'm not sure he's right for our demographic she said our leading donor demographic is 55 to 70 that's the biggest money they don't want to hear mad Max West they want to hear Broadway Adam said with all due respect to our demographics since Max West is willing to play for us for free we are going with Max West I think that's a mistake Isabelle said I really do so there you had it the well was poisoned Claire hated Isabelle French Siobhan had tried to warn CLA but Clare had not heeded this warning she had felt sorry for Isabelle French bad divorce lock had said and some subsequent bad decisions but now Isabelle was making CLA look like an ass in front of Adams the committee and lock overriding cla's embarrassment her humiliation her indignation should she recite the Litany of charitable organizations that wanted to get Max West and had no prayer should she inform Isabelle that Max had turned down Bono was mounting anger at lock he should have told Isabelle about Max West before the meeting started and he should be defending CLA now it had never crossed cla's mind that there was a person alive who would not want Max West to play the benefit CLA was completely blindsided she was mute with rage lock said I guess we could look into other options no no Claire said all this time she had been staring into her lap and there was a reason for that she knew her face would be discolored her skin was milky white but now she would have a red spot round as an apple on each cheek she looked up at Brent Jackson and Tessa Klein the magazine editor God what must she be thinking then turned to Isabel and lock no way if you make me cancel Max West after calling in this favor I will quit she Rose from her chair to show she was serious but was this a threat did anyone care if she resigned as co-chair did lock care lock said to Isabelle Claire brought us Max West he's a friend of hers from high school he made it sound like CLA was a cat who had dropped a dead mouse at their feet forget it CLA said she felt like a 9-year-old a seven-year-old a four-year-old I'll call him back and tell him we don't want him I'll tell him he doesn't hit our demographic I've been talking to people too Isabelle said Kristen chenowth who is the hottest voice on Broadway right now and Christine Abol is considering us too I've known her manager for Years Christine EOL said luren vanal never heard of her how old are you Isabelle said 31 well that's why I've never heard of Kristen chenowth Brent Jackson said she's starring in the Revival of South Pacific Isabelle said her face is on every bus and billboard in the city she is h o t what is your objection to Max West CLA said if I may ask he has eight platinum albums he has 31 top 40 hit hits he has Mass Appeal he is a Bonafide celebrity everyone knows him and he will put ticket sales through the roof nobody's going to pay $1,000 for someone they've never heard of Francine Davis said there was silence everyone was waiting for Isabelle to speak when she did speak she looked at lock though Claire was the one standing demanding an answer but Isabelle appealed only to him Max West is a rock star she said his songs are loud and some of them have an edge do we really want our elegant evening to end with screaming guitar it's mostly acoustic guitar Brent Jackson pointed out and incredible vocals I think he's Torrey Isabelle said he's common low brow he will make the event seem cheap we you're not selling tickets to Fenway this is an upscale event we should get an upscale performer you have a point lock said I was asked to deliver Max West Clare said I have delivered Max West but now I'm hearing we don't want him I'm hearing he's not suitable is that how everybody feels no Brent Jackson said why are we even having this conversation why indeed Clare thought she was glaring down at the bald spot on Lock's head with such heated vitriol that she expected it to catch fire do we want Max West or not I'm happy to cancel him and walk Adams took Claire's arm don't cancel him we're in the business of making money for this organization and I think the best way to do that is to take the biggest star power we can get Max is a coup for us and he's willing to do it for free in my mind there's no question maybe we lose a few old folks who think his music is too loud but will pick up younger people we're making a mistake Isabelle said what about the man's personal life the drugs the drinking the rehab the affair with Savannah brigh splattered all over the tabloids is this a person we want representing a charity for children Claire put her hands to her burning cheeks she couldn't decide which of many nasty things to think first what do you know about children do you even know who big bird is and what about kissing another woman's husband on the dance floor of the Waldorf aoria in front of 800 partygoers what about the letter that came a week later asking you to rotate off the board of Manhattan East hospital are you the right person to represent a charity for children we are sticking with Max West Adam said Adams was always conciliatory always open to other points of view and extending any debate but tonight his voice was firm I don't want to talk about it any further Isabelle laughed derisively she waved her hand fine she said I'll pull my other lines out of the water but let it be noted that I think we're making a mistake so noted Adam said he's like the biggest name in the business Brent Jackson said Isabelle's smile was so fake it looked painful okay she said fine Claire sat back down technically she had won her point and yet she felt defeated her own co-chair wasn't happy about Max West and lock had come dangerously close to rolling over on it and this after he had asked her to Pro Su Matthew in the first place Isabelle had gotten her shots in calling Matthew todrey common low brow and cheap and because Matthew was cla's friend because they had grown up together and shared a history Clare now felt she was the skanky ex-girlfriend of a motorcycle drug lord she wasn't cut out for this kind of jockeying or the politics Claire didn't want to fight with Isabelle she didn't want to compete to see who would be the Alpha Dog although wasn't wasn't that what Isabelle was doing wasn't that the point of her creating an agenda in the first place Isabelle was asserting her control taking charge it hadn't crossed Claire's mind to write up an agenda for the meeting CLA had thought that lock would run the meeting or Adams would but not her and certainly not Isabelle Isabelle said we'll make Claire the point person for the talent then okay with you CLA fine Clare said I already delivered the contract and the riter Adams held them up I have them right here I will look them over next on the agenda were the invitations Isabelle knew a graphic designer in New York who would do them Grace she said this word Gratis instead of for free and Claire shuddered the graphic designer Isabelle said was young and hip he lived in noita Claire understood that this was a neighborhood in Manhattan but she didn't know where it was because the last time Claire had been to New York noita hadn't existed we need to revamp the invite design Isabelle said it's fusty the past few years the invites have been straight out of the retirement home perfect for our demographic Claire thought Isabelle reached into her portfolio I've copied the invitation list for each of you to look over please add people delete people make notes by anyone you know has died or Worse still divorced she looked up for a laugh but got none Claire felt marginally better this list is stagnant it needs freshening up we don't want it to be the same old people the same old thousand people Claire thought like I said having Max will bring in some new faces Adam said yeah Brent Jackson said like me finally someone I'd pay a th000 bucks to see Isabelle sniffed is it all right with everyone if I spearhead invitations people nodded fine fine though what was the point of having a committee if they weren't going to be given jobs item three Isabelle said catering Claire had been prepared coming into this meeting to do battle regarding the catering she was so stunned after fighting about Max West however that she couldn't remember how she had planned to broach the catering question there were problems with the catering last year Isabelle said some people said their Stakes were raw and some said theirs tasted like shoe leather Claire tried to keep the eagerness out of her voice maybe we should switch Caterers she said absolutely Isabelle said and for a split second there was Harmony palpable relief around the table the co-chairs agreed do you have anyone in mind Claire paused did she dare say it I know someone who's interested in putting in a bid who's that Island Fair never heard of them Isabelle said really CLA said she pressed her back against the chair again and did the thing with her feet and her pelvis in an attempt to keep her mouth shut but that was impossible the owner Siobhan she's my sister-in-law said she catered a lunch at your house last summer oh Isabelle said well I threw a lot of catered lunch last summer I don't remember who I used for each one there was silence around the table if the rest of the committee hadn't hated Isabelle French before they did now Claire tried to keep her expression neutral she had never had an enemy before or even a rival she wasn't used to feeling pleased when someone said something completely asinine Adams cleared his throat they're very good he said they cater the Boston Pops every year we don't want to use the same people as the pops Isabelle said we want to distinguish ourselves it would be different food CLA said it seems to me we want the most creative delicious food at the best price yes or no the table murmured yes Edward mellor piped up I think Siobhan would be great let's have them give us a bid Adam said I happen to have two other bids here though one of them is from the catering company we used last year well forget that Isabelle said they were awful half our table had their Entre but the other half had to wait and by the time their food came the rest of us were finished things were looking good for Siobhan Claire thought and she' barely had to say a word Edward will you take charge of catering she asked she knew he would pick Carter and Siobhan because he and Siobhan had once been in love and engaged to be married and everyone in the universe knew he still carried a flame for her the only person who would not be thrilled about this situation was Carter he didn't like Edward but Siobhan wanted this job and here was one way for her to get it without cla's having to perform subterfuge with the paperwork my pleasure Edward said item four Isabelle said was it clear 's imagination or did it sound like she was wearing down auction item lock had been sitting this whole time still as a statue his hands folded on top of his legal pad he had not written a single note and he had not as CLA had hoped looked meaningfully in her Direction possibly he was afraid to speak he had a co-chair to his left who was making the meeting difficult and unpleasant and a co-chair to his right whom he had kissed two days earlier CLA was hurt that he wasn't placing himself solidly in her corner but perhaps he was afraid to show his hand he had feelings for CLA but couldn't let anyone know it so he would let CLA flounder and take Isabelle's arrows or he was exercising his usual good judgment and listening to everyone's opinions before weighing in Claire should admire his impartiality instead of letting it bother her I have a few spectacular ideas for an auction item Isabelle said she did the tucking and tossing thing with her hair again Claire was certain that none of Isabelle's spectacular ideas included a museum quality piece of glass conceived and fashioned by Claire Danner Crispen if lock hadn't told Isabelle about Max West then he certainly hadn't told her about Claire's coming out of retirement for the auction item Claire had considered bringing the sketch of the chandelier but in the end she had been too afraid art was subjective and always included the possibility of failure already there had been a few nights before she drifted off to sleep when she imagined Petro Da Silva the Island's best Auctioneer starting the bidding on her piece and looking over a sea of people all of whom were sitting on their hands since we're not going to ask Kristen chanth to perform Isabelle said we might ask her to donate private singing lessons singing lessons Tessa Klein said skeptically her face is plastered across every subway station in the city Isabelle said Edward mellor Shrugged what about Orchestra seats to the show with a meet and greet afterward or dinner Tessa said I'm willing to ask Isabelle said gamely Claire's breathing was shallow no one was going to want her glass it wasn't sexy it wasn't interesting I also have a friend willing to donate his G5 Isabelle said that's a private jet I could ask for a round trip anywhere in the United States with 20 people on board for a cocktail party that sounds incredible Edward mellor said incredible CLA echoed she felt like a complete ass lock had led her to believe that people would want her glass but compared with singing lessons from a Tony award-winning actress or a cocktail party on a private jet flying to Palm Beach or Over the Rockies what Claire was offering up felt like a crayon drawing lock Dixon tapped his pen against his notebook like a judge with a gavel Claire and I have already discussed the auction item he said and she's agreed to create a museum quality piece of glass that we will put up as the auction item Claire felt her cheeks burning as obvious as two Circles of red felt this was quite possibly the most mortifying moment of her entire life why had she let lock talk her into this she had no boundaries her cells as Siobhan so adroitly pointed out had no membranes when she looked up there would be a table full of uncomfortable looks and throat clearings and scratching of heads literal and figurative Museum quality glass huh Tessa kleene shrieked oh my God she said Claire you'll do it um CLA said I told lo I would I don't have an idea yet though here she thought in addition to her cheeks burning her nose would grow plus let's face it art is subjective people could hate what I do but you're a genius Tessa said CLA has a piece in the Whitney Museum you know I told her this would be her triumphant return lock said he sounded at that moment proprietary and proud and although Claire was elated she was also worried would everyone now guess that there was something between them back after a 2-year Hiatus but Claire has a point Adam said art is subjective I would hate to see her spend a lot of time and energy creating something and then not have it go for what it's worth it would be embarrassing for me Claire said and bad for nantucket's children if we didn't get the money I mean in the two weeks since the Gayla auction item had first been mentioned it had jumpstarted Claire's career and caused a rift in her marriage and now Claire found herself backpedaling about it we already have a guaranteed bid of $50,000 lock said we do Adam said yes lock said from Daphne and me whatever CLA creates we'll pay $50,000 for and we can cultivate other biders precisely Tessa said I'll do a feature article in the magazine with a photograph Museum quality piece people will go crazy the homes on this island have gotten so out of control with their movie theaters and their sculpture Gardens and $6,000 shower curtains I'll bet there are a bunch of people who would jump at a chance to own a major work by Claire it would be one of a kind right yes CA squeaked one of a kind and she's been out of commission for a couple of years that makes it even more special I say we go for it Tessa said she grinned at Claire I say go home and get blowing Brent Jackson laughed at this and Edward mellor started to applaud block said great Tessa will you head the auction committee you're the right person to get news about the piece out there Clare turned to Adams do you think it's a good idea you seem to have the full confidence of our executive director Adam said and Tessa is right about the summer people having a bad case of one upmanship the question is how you'll find the time of course along with the waking nightmares that was the question Claire glanced over at Isabelle who was quietly tucking her papers into her calf skin portfolio what did Isabelle think of Claire's creating a museum quality piece of glass for the auction did she think it was a good idea or a bad idea I know your work but did she like Claire's work did she consider blown glass to be art or did she consider it a hobby like Pottery or knitting strangely Claire found herself seeking Isabelle's approval her endorsement but Isabelle didn't respond she looked exhausted she had flown in for this meeting with her neatly printed agenda but things hadn't gone her way CLA should have been pleased but she was plagued with self-doubt what if Max West was perceived as todrey and common what if hiring Siobhan to cater was unethical what if lock was the only one bidding on cla's peace did Clare really know how to run a benefit better than Isabelle French who had done it for larger organizations in the most sophisticated city in the world it was silly to think so if Claire was a reluctant Victor Isabelle was a stoic loser she crumpled the agenda in her fist in a way that seemed more resigned than angry I'm tired she said and starving there is still PR and marketing to discuss but should we save it for next time next time Lo agreed and the rest of the committee seemed relieved people packed up dinner Claire heard lock say God yes Isabelle said where I made a reservation at 21 Federal he said is Daphne coming Isabelle asked no she wanted to see you but she didn't feel well enough to come out Claire tried to remain calm lock was taking Isabelle to 21 Federal for dinner this really really bugged her but why after all Isabelle had arrived from out of town Tessa and Lauren and Francine were lingering by the door they were waiting for Claire they wanted to talk to her about the meeting and she needed to thank them for coming she should thank Brent and Edward too they had been supportive but Claire could not tear her attention away from Lo and Isabelle Lo was taking Isabelle and her beautiful hair out for dinner Adams took CLA by the elbow let's go grab a drink oh CLA said I don't know CLA this was Lock's voice Clare turned too eagerly do you want to join Isabelle and me at 21 Federal he said we're going right now for dinner did Claire want to go to 21 Federal with lock and Isabelle God no it would turn into an uncomfortable extension of the meeting or it would be lock encouraging Clare and Isabelle to get to know each other Clare would rather go out and belt back a couple of stiff drinks with Adams and the rest of the committee but she didn't want to turn lock down what if he took it as a rejection maybe she and Lock would Outlast Isabelle maybe they would return to the office alone or drive somewhere in Lock's car if she said no to him now when would she see him again would he call her at home or would she have to create an excuse to swing by the office if she swung by during the day Gavin would be around but what reason could she possibly fabricate to stop by at night come out for a drink this was Tessa calling across the room we'll go to Water Street okay Adams we'll meet you there okay Adams said Claire have you eaten lock asked Clara felt like she was being pecked at by chickens but why she could either go for drinks with Adams Tessa and the Gang or she could go to dinner with Lo and Isabelle the fact was she could have stood there all night deliberating and still not have come up with the answer which proved to Claire only one thing she was losing her mind I ate earlier she said to Lo though this was of course a lie or a partial lie at dinner with the kids she had eaten the two puckered ends of Shay's hot dog I should really get home the baby doesn't do well without me come out just for one drink Adam said CLA put on her coat she was finding it hard to breathe here in the Elijah Baker house she felt like she was wearing a whalebone corset next time she said she faced Isabelle and lock and gave them a believable smile shook Isabelle's hand and said thanks for running the meeting you have my email right well if not lock has it he'll give it to you or you can call me I have to go I'll see everybody later okay Claire wedged her way past Lo and Isabelle who were looking at her as if she was nuts which she was and then around the table jingling her keys she meant it she was leaving when she finally made it out onto the cool street she could almost hear the skin on her face hiss the way a hot mold hissed when she dropped it into the water basin she took her cell phone out and called Jason's cell phone he answered on the first ring in a whisper hey baby she was so happy to hear his voice she nearly wept hey she said I'm on my way home chapter 5 she surprises herself Claire slept with lock for the first time a week later after the meeting with Isabelle French and the committee Claire walked away thinking I am done with lock Dixon it was all adolescent nonsense anyway and what were they doing two reasonable married adults Claire climbed in bed with Jason and thought I am happy here I am happy that Lo Dixon had showed an interest in her was flattering and would be left at that how to explain what happened Claire had always thought of adultery as a country she either wasn't brave enough or didn't want to visit until someone handed her a passport and a ticket and suddenly she was on her way lock called Claire on her cell phone which he had never done before she was driving home from dropping the kids off at school she had only Zach in the car and he was drifting off to sleep Claire was so certain it was Siobhan on the phone that she picked it up without checking the display and said somewhat glumly because she wasn't exactly giddy about giving up lock in fact it left her feeling deflated hey Claire it was him she was flustered she couldn't later remember what he had said something to the effect that he knew she'd found the meeting difficult it would get easier Isabelle would loosen up she had been nervous and was going through the ringer with the divorce okay Claire said right I could tell whatever it was fine and then after what seemed like a significant pause Lo said would you mind stopping by the office tonight tonight are you busy no she said well yes always busy but I can come in swing by great he said then there was silence this was the time for CLA to renig but she didn't she could swing by the office it sounded both casual and proper he had something to give her there was something for her to sign proofread consider but she did not ask what it was okay she said finally I'll see you tonight see you tonight he said Claire waited until Jason got home from work to tell him I have a meeting tonight Jesus Claire I know I'm sorry it should be short I can't believe this Jason said why can't you meet during the day when the kids are at school and pan is working why does it always have to be at night sorry Claire said it will be quick I'll be back by 9 promise promise after dinner Claire gave the younger three kids a bath got the girls into their bedroom with books and dressed Zach in his pajamas she handed him to Jason who was zoned out in front of entertainment tonight can you make his bottle Claire asked why can't you do it I can do it but I have to get ready get ready for what my meeting why do you have to get ready for a meeting you look fine I'd like to change why Claire was shaking from anger frustration guilt nerves forget it she said I won't go give me the baby Jason scowled you're acting like one of the kids I am go get ready for your meeting Jason said I'll take care of things here again Claire went into the kitchen and fixed Zach's bottle she couldn't do this she could not leave her home her kids she could not even leave her infuriating husband to go to lock she wasn't cut out for it it required guts that she didn't have she felt something pop inside her the bubble of expectation that had been expanding every second since lock said see you tonight he would be there in the dark office waiting for her when she came up the stairs he would smile Claire brushed her teeth and changed into jeans and a cashmere sweater she did nothing with her hair and she did not put on perfume earrings no earrings would be a red flag okay she said to Jason I'm going to my meeting I'll be back by 9: he said said nothing she hesitated he hadn't even heard her or he had heard her and was ignoring her stop me she thought but she only wanted him to stop her so she would have a reason to go in Anger as it was she was going to have to take this step of her own free will the decision was hers Jason she said he was wrapped up in jeopardy he waved when Claire reached the office she was shaking she couldn't keep herself from shaking even though she told herself that nothing had to happen that it would all just be very innocent Gayla business we insist things be done in an aboveboard way Lo was at his desk with two glasses of wine already poured but they didn't even get to the wine until afterward after he had taken taken her with insane hunger incredible electric urgency up against the wall it was fast animall likee there was clawing and biting they were like a pile of gasoline soaked Rags that someone took a match to they went up in Flames whoosh just like that they were two crossed wires that caused an explosion boom hot Claire had no thoughts other than thoughts about her body and what it wanted he touched her here he kissed her there she could not get enough she did not want it to end his body was so different from Jason's Jason was lean and muscular he had six pack abs that he was very proud of lock was softer pudgier in the midsection his chest was hairy it was so foreign to CLA but his arms were strong and he touched her with skill and desperate ation he caressed her body then grabbed it he sucked then bit he was a man who had not made love in a long time and his unchecked desire was touching heartbreaking almost Claire wanted to hand herself over yes take me gobble me up it's okay she had landed welcome to adultery when it was over CLA slid to the ground stunned and locked too despite the lack of decorum sat on the floor next to her and pulled her head into his lap and gently stroked her hair how are you he whispered I don't know she said me either he said I'm all messed up she said I know he said she was grateful that it had happened so quickly so quickly that there had been no time for deciding yes no right wrong when she thought back on it later it seemed like an act of nature visited upon them a tornado a bolt of lightning lock she cried on the way home her whole body shook despite the glass of wine whose purpose all along she realized had been to calm her nerves she was sad because she had done something very wrong she had betrayed not only her husband but her own set of values she was an adulterous then too she was sad because the sex had been amazing it had been transporting she was Hostage to it to him Lo she was sad because she had to leave him he would stay at the office get cleaned up and go home to Daphne while Claire would go home to her kids and Jason she said when will I see you again he said I'll be in touch it continued they met once a week twice a week they arranged it by text message or by email Claire couldn't explain it she didn't understand it she was a captive of the country adultery lock had infected her he was something she'd caught he was a sickness maybe like the common cold it would wear off in a week or two but maybe it would linger and grow like cancer it would kill her Claire couldn't decide if the worst thing about adultery was the guilt or the fear the guilt guilt was debilitating it was worse than the guilt she harbored about Daphne and worse than the guilt that attended Zach's birth those had been accidents mistakes they had been unintentional this affair was deliberate the most deliberate sin she had ever committed as a child she had memorized the act of contrition oh my God I am heartily sorry for having offended you a priest once told her that Sinners only thought about God after they had sinned not before this was Claire she slept with lock she begged for forgiveness as contrite as all the world and then she slept with him again Claire was plagued by memories of her own parents her father Bud Danner had owned an electronic store in Wildwood he was a heavy drinker and a wild philanderer he had not in the words of cla's mother been faithful for 5 minutes after work he would go to the bar where he caroused with a string of Trashy Women CLA remembered her mother crying her mother blaming herself her mother so angry at her father that Claire thought she would kill him she screamed she threw things he walked out he seemed to have no shortage of places to go and then Claire's mother would smack herself in the face again and again it was awful it was the worst thing CLA had ever witnessed her mother's self-loathing Claire had promised herself she would never be this way she would not blame herself for things Beyond her control but of course she did all the time she had inherited her parents worst traits their most despicable Behavior she certainly never believed she would follow in her father's flawed footsteps and cheat and yet here she was as CLA spoonfed Zack pureed squash as she bathed the girls and folded their pretty clothes as she chose peaches and ribeye steaks at the grocery store she recognized herself as a liar she wasn't the person her children thought she was she was someone with a secret life even worse than feeling guilty was forgetting to feel guilty the guilt should have been part and parcel with the adultery it should have been constant to not feel guilt was monstrous guilt and no guilt these were the worst things we're going to hell CLA whispered in Lock's ear one night there is no hell he whispered back the only thing worse than the guilt was the fear of getting caught one night after Claire came home from being with lock Jason said you smell funny Panic seized Claire by the knees I do not you do you smell funny why do you smell funny she didn't look at him though he was sitting up in bed staring at her you smell funny all the time she said you smell like cigarettes she got got right into the shower one day she couldn't find her cell phone where was it Claire looked everywhere throughout the house under the kids beds in the drawers in each of her purses in the car outside in the frosty grass in the hot shop where was it had Zach taken it she looked in the toy box had she left it at the supermarket she called the supermark Market no one had turned in a phone she called Siobhan Siobhan said call the phone silly see if anyone answers Clare called the phone Jason answered Claire said what are you doing with my phone Jason said I have no idea I didn't even know I had it until just now when you called me cla's stomach contracted until it was a tight ball of fear this sounded like a lie had he taken her phone to check on her had he seen all the phone calls to the nantucket's children office or to the strange number that was Lock's cell phone had he seen the texts meet me here meet me there Claire should have deleted them one and all she was such a bloody fool such an innocent she had not followed the most basic rule in covering her tracks she got in the car and drove to Jason's work site thinking of how to reasonably explain herself the worst thing would be if lock called while the phone was in Jason's possession but there was an easy explanation Gayla business there were always questions about the Gayla that needed to be asked or answered still when Claire got the phone back she erased every call with a sick and pounding heart the fear was the worst thing CLA wanted to go to confession but confession was only held on Saturdays at 4:00 and every Saturday at 4:00 JD had a Pop Warner football game at the boys and girls club and Claire could not miss a game it would be worse to miss her child's football game than not to confess to her adultery she decided though her desire to confess was pressing she wasn't sure she could actually hand the truth over to Father Dominic the priest who had baptized all four of her children and had administered JD's and 's first communions Claire adored father Dominic she'd had him to the house for dinner numerous times and twice the two of them had gone to the movies together once to see Chicago and wants to see Dream Girls father Dominic was a big fan of musicals Jason could not abide them the longer Claire went without confessing the more convinced she became that she would not be able able to say the words I'm committing adultery to Father Dominic she would have to wait for a visiting priest whom she didn't know and who didn't know her or she would confess to Father Dominic to a gamut of General sins and hope that adultery was covered among them but somehow Claire understood that confessing would not be confessing unless she confessed to Father Dominic about lock Dixon anything short of this would be a copout and would not count and so she went she left the pop warner game at Halftime telling Jason she had a migraine and had to go home he said will you take Zach with you please she said I can't he said I can't watch Zack and Shay and Odie and JD OD was Cheerleading adorable in her n sweater and her blue and white pleated skirt Shay was kicking a football on the sidelines chasing it kicking it again Zach was whining clawing at cla's neck CLA could not in good conscience leave Jason with all of the kids but she had to get to church okay she said I'll take Zach father Dominic was stunned to see Claire and Zach sitting in the front Pew when he exited the confessional the surprise registered on his face a slender pretty young woman hurried out of the church and Claire wondered what she had confessed and whether it was anywhere close to as appalling as what Clare was about to admit to Father Dominic said nothing he simply gestured to the empty booth and CLA carried Zach in and knelt she wished fervently that she had been born a Protestant because at that moment owning up to this enormous sin saying it out loud to another human being being seemed a beastly punishment she started in with the act of contrition oh my God I am heartedly sorry for having offended you and I detest all my sins Zach clawed at her neck he needed his fingernails cut it felt like he was drawing blood Claire took a deep breath she eyed father Dominic whose head was bowed in prayer she was trembling as terrified as she'd ever been in in her life what was she afraid of she was afraid he would hate her he saw her not every week but many weeks in church with the kids he thought her to be a devout person he had called her daily when Zach was in the hospital in Boston and had prayed with her over the phone now he would see her for who she truly was I'm committing adultery Claire said she expected father's head to pop up she awaited his aast expression but he was still she was grateful for this Stillness this posture of acceptance I'm having an affair with lockart Dixon CLA said his name because not to say his name felt like holding back a part of the truth CLA had no idea if father Dominic knew lock lock was a member of St Paul's Episcopal they might have known each other through one of nantucket's children's programs father Dominic remained still Claire closed her eyes that's all she whispered Zach started to cry when father Dominic raised his head his expression was blank in regard to confession father Dominic had once claimed that there was a hole in the back of his head people's sins drained out nearly as soon as they entered he said but Claire was pretty sure that wouldn't happen today Father Dominic said you will stop you came to confess so you understand what you're doing is wrong will you stop tears fell Zach's and Claire's own of course he would ask her to stop or demand it I don't know if I can she said you can Claire father Dominic said you must pray for strength I can pray for strength but I don't know if I can stop seeing lock I could tell you I'm going to stop but I would be lying father Dominic shook his head and CLA felt a argument rising in her it was the argument that ran like ticker tape through her mind did the adultery automatically make her a bad person did the good things that she did caring for her kids washing Jason's t-shirts shairing a benefit that would bring important programs and enrichment into the lives of hardworking families being a kind and thoughtful friend helping injured Birds on the side of the road rather than letting them suffer did these things count too or did only the sins count was there some kind of moral accounting that would put her ahead because she didn't feel like a bad person or an evil person what anyway did Father Dominic know about heart-stopping passion Zach was crying now his cries reverberated against the walls of the confessional Booth Claire said can you give me my pen you have to stop father Dominic said then I can give you your Penance she had to stop she repeated this in the car on the way home Zach screamed in the backseat screamed and kicked his legs his cries were echoing inside her she was not a barroom urchin addled by drink like her father she was a reasonable woman she had to stop by the time she got home she did have a headache so she took some Advil and lit a fire and poured a glass of wine all with Zach snuggled against her chest on his way to sleep she had a pot of chili on the stove and cornbread and homemade applesauce at 5:30 it was Pitch Black outside and the kids and Jason came home their cheeks Rosy from the cold and the exercise Jason did not ask how she was feeling but he did taste some chili from The Wooden Spoon and declared it delicious J D stripped off his pads and his sweaty long underwear while odily set the table in her cheerleading outfit Jason touched Claire's back and said this is how I always sort of imagined it our life the fire the pot of Chile her children at home on a chilly fall evening what was not to love she had to stop Claire nodded her heart was a bad apple soft and rotted me too she said part two chapter six he loves her it was boom or bust their business and it was starting to wear on Siobhan she slaved through the summer and fall Fielding phone calls from impetuous Brides to be and their mothers she woke up in the morning knowing she wouldn't see the boys for 5 minutes because she had a sit down lunch for 15 people at noon cocktails for 100 and brand point at 6 and a dinner buffet in po at 6:30 could she really be two places at once she would have to be this all hell has broken loose wild ass chaos was slightly preferable to suffering through the winter and spring making good on all the dinners for eight that Island Fair put up for bid at charity auctions and constantly worrying about money and illegal staff and getting jobs and money again the business made a profit but life was expensive Liam had hockey which had cost a Fortune even before he broke his arm and took an $88,000 jet ride to Boston where he underwent two surgeries and incurred bills from a 3-day Hospital stay and five subsequent weeks of physical therapy that was behind them now but there was the mortgage heating oil and Christmas approaching and Siobhan was beginning to suspect that Carter had a gambling problem the man loved sports but that was hardly unusual usual God knows Siobhan had seen a Pub full of men including her father and her five brothers scream bloody murder at the Telly when rugby was on or even worse Cricket Carter spent so much time in the confines of the Hot Kitchen it was healthy for him to have some release and Siobhan was glad it was Sports and not porn on the Internet he was in a football pool she knew that but then the other night at dinner he announced that he had lost 12 00 on the Patriots game $1,200 Siobhan nearly sprung a leak she knew nothing about sports in this country and even less about the gambling that attended the sports but she had assumed it entailed a bunch of guys throwing 20 bucks onto the bar $11,200 was six lovely dinners out it was an entire weekend in Stow or New York City don't overreact act Carter had said it's not exactly a fortune it damn well is so Siobhan had countered she was the one who counted the beans when Carter decided to quit his job as head chef at the Galley Restaurant and start a catering business it was because of the kids because of the flexible scheduling being his own boss that was all well and good but there would be no barter up in lifestyle if money kept flying out the door for Siobhan owning a business meant anguish and indigestion day in and day out they did one big job in November the private montauri school dinner auction Siobhan liked doing this dinner because it was her only big job between wedding season and the holidays she was able to give it time and careful attention and each year it was a masterpiece this year the theme was the Far East Siobhan dropped the boys at school and went straight to the catering kitchen which was located in the back half of a commercial building out by the airport it started to snow on her way there which brightened her mood Siobhan was a fan of layered sensory stimulation she unlocked the door to the kitchen made herself a cup of Irish breakfast and put on a chieftain's CD which Carter did not tolerate at home the first snow of the year was falling in feathery bits out the window Siobhan pulled her notebook out of her purse she was in charge of the appetizers and dessert Carter would do the entree her appetizers were duck mango and scallion spring rolls for 100 Sesame crusted rare Tuna on cucumber rounds with Pickled ginger and wasabi for 100 and jumbo shrimp Sate with peanut dipping sauce for 100 for dessert she was making a complicated passion fruit and coconut cream parfait with macadamia nut brittle which Carter called her crazy as Larry for even attempting but hey this was her Masterpiece would he rather she was at home picking up the boy's disgusting excuse for a bedroom or lamenting the many ways she might have spent the money that he had flushed down the L with the disappointing Patriots Siobhan loved Carter and she had sworn on the altar that she would always love him yes but he was bringing her down the tea was steaming the Irish men Keening the snow piling up don't think about a weekend in Stow Siobhan started with the peanut sauce technically Shan's mother had taught her to cook though the porridge and cabbage and Fin and hatti of Siobhan's youth in no way resembled the Delights that now came out of her kitchen she was all about flavor and color and decadence she was Liberace playing poolside candelabra Ablaze while her mother's cooking was like the parish organist dutifully banging out another funeral durge as Siobhan sauted onions and garlic and ginger and peanut oil the phone rang she looked around the empty kitchen confused it was the kitchen phone and not her cell phone which was unusual on her way to answer the phone she saw the machine held six messages six hello she said sioban is that you the voice she laughed not because she was amused but because she was caught off guard Edward hi he said well he would be more nervous than she was Edward melor her former fiance say they lived on the same island which was 4 mil wide 13 M long and yet she rarely saw him maybe once or twice a month they passed each other in their cars Edward always waved but Shavon never realized it was him until he was in her rearview mirror what was becoming more common was that Edward would attend an event Siobhan was catering she had a way of sensing when he was going to be there and she would would stay in the tent or give the whole thing to Carter it wasn't that she was avoiding Edward mellor she just didn't want to have to offer him a canipe hi she said what's up how are you he said this the way he always said it how are you as if he really wanted to know he really did want to know he had a zealous interest in other people he remembered their names their children's names their situations if they were thinking of buying a new car or if they were caring for an elderly parent or if their dog had just died this was stuff he cataloged in his brain it was unusual how much he remembered how much he genuinely cared it was feminine but that was why he was a great and Wealthy real estate agent people lapped it up oh I'm fine Siobhan said breezily she recalled the flowers Edward had sent to the house when Liam broke his arm they were pink kala lies Siobhan's favorite about 50 of them fantastically expensive she got rid of them before Liam and Carter came home from Boston she hadn't sent a note for the flowers which was monstrous but dealing with Edward was tricky he loved her still he took every communication from her as a sign that they would reunite they had been together during Siobhan's first four years on the island when she was scooping ice cream and making sandwiches at Conan's Pharmacy he was handling rentals at the real estate office upstairs Edward was Charmed by Siobhan's accent which she found ludicrous he fell in love immediately because Edward had far more money and knew far more people than Siobhan did he assumed the role of Henry Higgins to her Eliza dittle he believed he' discovered her looking back Siobhan was annoyed at how she'd played along with this notion she became the pantry girl at the galley and then the guard M and then a line cook at lunch Edward always referred to her as a chef which wasn't accurate but she never corrected him he meanwhile had acquired a broker's license and was thinking of going out on his own which sounded to Siobhan like a reckless idea The Nantucket real estate market was a gold mine a diamond mine Brokers were printing their own money yes but Edward was such a good sweet accommodating guy that Siobhan feared he would get swallowed up she came by this doomsday attitude honestly she was Irish before Edward set up shop they got engaged on a perfect Autumn afternoon at alter Rock Edward had champagne and berries and melon and pink cailes and he got down on one knee and presented a Whopper of a ring will you be my wife Siobhan laughed covering her mouth and nodded because who would say no to such a beautiful well orchestrated proposal it was only after the engagement was a publicly known fact after after it had been in the newspaper after Edward's parents had thrown a party at their house on Cliff Road that Siobhan began to falter she didn't believe in Edward and she realized that Edward didn't believe in her why else would he tell people she was a chef when in fact she stood at a sauté pan for 12 hours a day making goat cheese omelettes and lobster egg Benedict she grew less fond of the idea that she was a piece of ish white trash that Edward had picked from the rubbish bin and she became increasingly annoyed by Edward's interest in her every thought and [Music] mood she had grown up in a family of eight children no one had paid attention that closely to Siobhan ever she yearned to be left alone with her interior life rather than to explain it and two there was a new Sue chef at work a cute guy who had come from Balthazar in New York whose knife skills put even the head chefs to shame and funny thing his last name was Crispen Siobhan called him crispy he called her trouble how you doing there trouble his first name was Carter which made him sound rich though clearly he wasn't and Siobhan liked that she was growing sick of Edward and his discretionary income and the way he bought things just because he could this kind of waste offended her Irish sensibilities how are the kids Edward asked Siobhan smelled the garlic and ginger turning bitter and she hurried back to the stove and killed the heat how's Liam's arm fine all better just fine Siobhan reached for the curry powder the peanut butter the soy sauce she could chat and cook all day but not with him what can I do for you Edward I've called and left a bunch of messages for you he said on your office phone I just saw them this second Siobhan said honestly Edward this is the first time I've set foot in the kitchen since Columbus Day I'm calling about the summer Gayla for nantucket's children Edward said I'm the head of the catering committee and we'd like you to submit a bid it's a bar bid plus Pastor derves sit down dinner dessert sampler at the table a th people can you give us a bid I can Siobhan said uncertainly she had several thoughts at once and she tried to arrange the thoughts neatly in her mind the way she'd seen Carter arrange cards in his hand when he played poker she had been waiting for this request for quite a while Claire had asked Siobhan to be on the Gayla committee back in September and Siobhan had said yes thinking this meant she and Carter would NAB the catering job but when Siobhan mentioned the catering Clare backpedal and Siobhan had thought there's no flipping way I'm going to sit on the committee if we don't get the job and so she hadn't attended any of the meetings and CLA hadn't asked why and the whole topic was left suspended this might have made their friendship awkward but Claire and Siobhan's friendship encompassed such vast territory that the summer Gaya catering question registered as no more than a tiny pinch we'd like all the bids submitted by the First of the Year Edward said though I won't lie to you it's going to be a while before we decide most of my committee lives in New York and so I have to get everyone the bids ask them to review the bids then find time to set up meetings a decision will be made sometime in the spring I'll fax you a bit Siobhan said I'm doing the dinner auction for the montauri this weekend but I can probably get it to you before Thanksgiving Great Edward said you know I was thinking of going to that dinner auction why would you Siobhan said you have no children well you know me I like to support Island causes yes she knew him she knew he would go to the dinner auction now because she would be there and he had probably volunteered for the catering committee because he thought it would mean they would work together again Siobhan's anger flared why hadn't CLA told her maybe Clare had wanted Siobhan to be surprised maybe Clare thought Siobhan would be happily surprised maybe CLA thought Siobhan wanted to have a fling with Edward it was true that Siobhan occasionally mouthed off about having a fling with the produce guy at the grocery store or the UPS man but that was just mouthing off it was a way for her to throw darts at Carter's picture without actually hurting him I'll fax you a bit Siobhan said or drop it by my office Edward said he paused we already have two other bids by the way we do thanks Edward take care Siobhan she hung up that last tidbit from Edward was meant to be what a taunt knowing Edward it was purely informative he would never do anything unethical like ask her to sleep with him in exchange for the job H this was so outrageous Siobhan laughed then the awkward feeling set in that followed each time Siobhan saw Edward or accidentally thought about him she still had the engagement ring Edward had given her it was in a secret compartment in her jewelry box tucked into a blue velvet bag the ring was magnificent two and a third carrots in a platinum Tiffany setting it had cost Edward $10,000 it was too big for Siobhan to wear while she was working had he not considered her career when he bought it and so she had worn it on a chain around her neck for a while but within the gritty foul-mouthed Funk of the restaurant kitchen the ring had seemed ostentatious Siobhan was afraid it would fall into the bisque she was afraid one of the sketchy dishwashers would yank it off her neck as she walked to her car in the dark after service so she started leaving the ring at home right around the time that Carter Crispen arrived and this started the fight that broke Siobhan and Edward up when Siobhan and Edward split the ring bounced around a bit in one impetuous moment Siobhan threw the ring at Edward he picked it out of the crease in the sofa where it had landed and took it home he returned a few days later to talk but sioban turned him away he left the ring in its soft velvet bag on her doorstep with a note I bought this for you it's yours Siobhan had wanted nothing more than to return the ring but she could not endure another confrontation with Edward she mailed the ring to Edward at his office again the ring appeared on her doorstep Siobhan got it the ring caused Edward pain he didn't want it and he didn't need the money he would get if he returned it fine she thought it went into her sock drawer first then into the secret compartment of her Jewel box a hiding place straight out of the mystery stories her boys like to read the ring when she thought about it irked her it was like a pesky tag in her knickers a pebble in her shoe a popcorn kernel between her back mullers she should sell it pawn it it would still fetch thousands and thousands of dollars which she unlike Edward could really use but she couldn't bring herself to sell it stupid as that sounded and if anyone asked her why which no one would as no one knew she had the damn thing except possibly for Edward she would say it was because she wasn't ready to let it go whatever that meant damn Edward for calling and ruining her Pleasant morning damn Claire for meddling as she was filling and wrapping the spring rolls Siobhan called CLA it was nearly noon now that CLA was back at work she told Siobhan she was only available at lunchtime hey Claire said her mouth full Edward melor Siobhan said excuse me Edward is heading your curing committee oh yeah Claire said gez I forgot about that are you pissed at me a little well don't be he volunteered for it yeah and you didn't tell me I didn't want to freak you out what freaked me out was being caught off guards well I'm glad he finally contacted you Claire said you're going to give him a bid right yes he'll take you as long as you're lower even a little bit lower you know that I know but I don't know what lower is do I no you don't Claire said I don't know either I didn't look at the other bids no of course not you're as Pious as the Pope's mother Siobhan said she considered mentioning Carter's gambling loss but decided against it $1,200 was not the end of the world he claimed it had been tip money anyway his own discretionary income don't overreact baby if Siobhan told Clara about it Claire would worry and the whole thing would get blown out of proportion how's it going in the shop okay Clara said still trying to finish the vases for transom they're not as easy as I thought they would be and Elsa wants them in time for Christmas and I have to start the chandelier for the Gayla auction that's what I really want to be working on big sigh lock keeps telling me I'm an artist not an artisan Lo has a warped perspective sioban said he has nothing else to spend his money on other than Museum Quality Glass well and private school tuition and wax for his jaguar and cough links and dafne's meds and vion Clare piped in what Siobhan said nothing Claire said it's his favorite wine oh oh Siobhan said nice that you know his favorite wine I wasn't sure Lo Dixon even drank wine he has such a pull up his ass he does not CLA said yes he does sioban said no Siobhan he does not CLA said he's nothing like that you don't know him sure I do he's as self-righteous as the born agains CLA said I have to go sioban rolled up another spring roll eight rows of eight 64 they were all plump and perfect like swaddled babies call me later Siobhan said she hung up sioban prepped the marinade for the sa thinking Edward malor pink Cales it's too late to write a note for them now it would look shoddy thinking vion it's his favorite Wine Not Edwards but lock Dixon's lock Dixon kept telling Claire she was an artist not an artisan Siobhan was a caterer not a chef not a genius she had scored B's and C's during her years with the nuns she sometimes got so caught up in the mood of things that her Common Sense suffered her husband had managed to gamble away four figures right under her nose right under her nose it's his favorite wine was something going on between Claire and lock Dixon never and yet it sounded like it but Claire was a Straight Arrow she was all caught up with being good and kind and sending positive energy out into the universe she was all about her kids and the lofty precepts of Art and besides all that she had a sex life with Jason that was directly out of Cosmo CLA would never have an affair and if she were impossibly having an affair she would never keep it from Siobhan Claire told Siobhan everything she told Siobhan about her menstrual cramps her hangnails she told Siobhan when the mail arrived or the toilet backed up it's his favorite wine such a curious statement and Claire had said it so proudly so proprietarily Claire and lock Dixon never and yet it sounded like it Siobhan catered the montauri dinner to enormous Kudos she got Edward the bid for the Gaya she kept an eye on Carter's gambling she delivered the boys to and from their endless hockey practice IES at Christmas time she went crazy around the house cooking and decorating she baked figgy puddings she made smoked salmon dip with homemade Parmesan pepper crisps she did a gingerbread house with the boys even though they had outgrown it and did little more than eat all the candy her gift to her friends this year was wreaths made out of dried hydrangea and the giant pine cones that fell from The Furs out by tuppeny Links Siobhan went on several Pine con collecting missions all of them bewitching and romantic she wrapped herself in a candy striped Marino scarf and carried a woven basket as she wandered Through The Furs on cold afternoons with the promise of Christmas carols at home and a hot buttered rum to warm her up she was a girl from a fairy tale in those moments as she gathered only the largest most perfect pine cones the only person for Miles alone on this pristine part of the island imagine her surprise when on her way home with an overflowing basket of plump piny Beauties next to her she passed Claire's car Siobhan was heading out of the evergreen forest and Claire was headed into it CLA was driving way too fast so that when Siobhan came around the bend on the dirt road cla's car was right there on top of her they nearly collided Siobhan gasped at the near Miss then gasped again at the fact that it was cla's car CLA at the wheel with somebody in the passenger seat a man lock Dixon or at least Siobhan thought it was lock Dixon all she could say for sure was that the man was wearing earm muffs and lock was famous around town for wearing earm muffs pole up his ass Siobhan knew Claire recognized her car how could she not but CLA didn't stop she and lock Dixon barreled into the deserted Forest that sioban had just left Siobhan drove on styed in the months since Claire had agreed to chair the Gayla there had been two or three meetings a week always at night Jason complained to Carter and Carter passed the complaints on to Siobhan seems a bit excessive doesn't it all those meetings don't you ever chair anything like that never Siobhan said it's too much bloody work what were Claire and lock Dixon doing driving into the forest together at 1:00 on a December afternoon they weren't going to collect pine cones that was for sure Siobhan considered following them what would they be doing later that afternoon noon Siobhan called Clare at home and Clare said hey how are you as though nothing had happened did you not see me Siobhan demanded see what up at toany coming out of the woods in my car Jesus CLA you nearly ran me over Claire laughed but Siobhan was her best friend had been for [ __ ] centuries and she could tell it was a fake laugh I don't know what you're talking about I saw you Claire Siobhan said and you had lock in the car again the laugh one key off tune you're crazy baby Siobhan huffed this was insane she would know Claire in a dark cave with a paper bag over her head so you're denying that you were at tuppeny today tuppeny like shoban was crazy I haven't been to tppy since the dog died she was denying it but why Claire could have come up with any number of plausible stories Claire could have told sioban anything and Siobhan would have decided to believe it but to deny ever having been there when when she had nearly crashed into Siobhan was an insult to the friendship and stupid besides it could only mean one thing Claire and lo were having a torrid Affair this was betrayal at its most Exquisite but no Siobhan thought it just wasn't possible Claire was too much the choir girl she had been born with a nagging conscience she felt guilty when she missed a week of church when she killed a housefly she felt guilty when it rained having an affair was not something Claire was capable of so what then was going on sioban meant to find out when he was younger he used to pinch himself all the time the money came rolling in but it wasn't the money that was exciting it was the girls so many girls and guys too for that matter and limousines and rooms at the Four Seasons with their fluffy towels their waffled robes The Verve CCO chilling in a silver bucket the bouquet of roses a Garden's worth of roses thrown onto the stage it was the difference the respect shown to him by everyone from record exacts to heads of state to Julia Rob Roberts she and her husband were fans and owned every album of Max wests Matthew westfields a kid from Wildwood Crest a scruffy beach toown in New Jersey down the shore that was where Matthew had grown up with a father who took off when Matthew was five and a sainted mother who worked as the Church secretary and who got most of her information about life outside of wild wood from the magazines she picked up at the grocery store checkout what was he Matthew Westfield doing on stage with 70,000 people waving their arms in front of him they were worshiping him he was no longer a punk kid from New Jersey but a God he could have whatever he wanted women drugs guns an audience with the Pope he went once and tried to persuade his mother to join him but she wouldn't travel to Italy not even for the Holy Father he was in Thailand now in Bangkok hunkering down at the Oriental Hotel outside his room were two Butlers they had these for every guest and two armed guards these were only for him since he had cavalierly suggested that a Muslim girl in the crowd in Jakarta rip off her hijab for him inciting Muslim rage and necessitating a quick Exodus from the country it was winter in America but hotter than Hades here in Thailand it was too hot to do anything but sit in the air conditioning drink the chilled champagne smoke the delightful Indo weed they took as a parting gift from java and just generally seek Oblivion because wasn't it the sad truth that Max West a person who could have whatever he wanted wanted only Oblivion sometime in the great black box a poor man's piece they had sent some girls up a group skinny and giggling wearing short skirts and noisy earrings and makeup meant for white women they were all beautiful but very young a couple of them maybe only 14 maybe not even menstruating yet they clung to one another like school girls and this made Matthew Melancholy he gave the girls a wat of Bot and sent them away the butler looked at him questioningly and Matthew said too young less than an hour later there was a knock at the door and a lone girl stood there glowering at him she was older 20 years or 21 and she had a knowing Western look jeans a black T-shirt silver hoop earrings flipflops toenails painted and embedded with rhinestones she looked smart and bored with him already she was a college girl maybe looking for some extra cash Matthew liked her right away s De cop he said and he grinned it was his rule to know how to say hello and thank you in every country he visited can I come in the girl said her English was perfect with very little accent her name was Ace probably not spelled that way but the Americanized version of the name suited her she was cool like a tight RPP Walker a pool shark she walked in allowed Matthew to pour her a glass of champagne and made herself comfy on the sofa he poured himself a glass then seeing that this would not be enough to slake his greedy thirst for the stuff he poked his head outside and asked the butler for two more bottles he understood that what he was doing was wrong everything about it was wrong but he was on his way now growing warm on the inside jonesing for the weed and the dose of Amnesia it would bring wondering about the girl who was she what was she doing here where had she learned English Matthew was technically married his wife Beth was back in California living in their Glass Castle in Malibu with their two border colleagues Pollock and Caster Bess had been a substance abuse counselor at the place in Pennsylvania that Mt you had tried in between Sten at hazeldon she had not wanted to marry a rock star and especially not one with the seemingly incurable addictions that Matthew had but she had been undone by her desire to save him after 6 years of marriage she was now operating on a zero tolerance Rule and she had announced upon hearing his slurred voice on a call from Iran GAA that if he was indeed drinking on this tour which is what it sounds like Max then she was finished with him professional credentials aside she could not take another go round with the booze detox didn't help 28 days didn't help there had been 84 days some total because the problem was hardwired it was connected to what beess called his deep-seated unhappiness which she suspected had been caused in childhood by his father's desert Bess had developed a strong friendship with Matthew's accountant a man named Bob Jones and Matthew assumed the Avenue best would now pursue was one that would lead her to Bob Jones's house she would be an accountant's wife she would live a life opposite from the one she currently LED instead of spending 90% of her time alone walking on the beach preparing elaborate meals for the dogs and eating only hummus herself she would live a life with constant companionship she would cook nourishing things for Bob Jones they would do everything together watch TV have sex sleep until they were wakened by The Gentle California Sun the nice thing about Bess was that she wouldn't take Matthew's money she didn't want money it was useless she liked to say in getting the things that really mattered Matthew had to admit he didn't feel any deep-seated unhappiness about the impending breakup of his marriage except of course that he and Bess had been trying to have a baby an Endeavor that would now go out the window Bess would instead have a baby with Bob Jones a baby that could count and add rather than a baby genetically predisposed to drinking Jin Matthew wouldn't even mind it if best was pregnant now he liked the idea of having a son or a daughter in the world and Bess would be a wonderful mother her priorities were straight and drinking drugs and rock and roll were all at the bottom of the list these of course were the thoughts of a man on his way to getting drunk the butler appeared with two more bottles of very cold Verve C Co and as Matthew submerged them in ice he studied himself in the mirror there were pictures of Max West all over the room on CD covers on posters in newspapers and magazines but none of these photographs showed what Matthew really looked like he looked puffy in the face he thought and sort of gray skinned despite all this Tropical Sun his hair was still deep Brown though greasy and it stuck up in spikes he had brown eyes that had been described as Soulful and deep but the whites around them were red tired sore looking in the skin on the end of his nose he had a Pock Mark very small which he had acquired at age seven with the measles his stylist usually covered it up with makeup but it always comforted Matthew to see this little divot this small imperfection that announced his authentic self Matthew heard a rustling sound and in the mirror saw Ace uncross her legs and then cross them again on the sofa in impatience she was not amused by him nor impressed he was not a world famous rock star he was a mess he had had a sponsor on this trip a sponsor who was supposed to stay by his side every second of the day except when Matthew was on stage and even then Jerry camel lurked in the dim Wings Jerry was a good guy he was good company Matthew had no complaints about Jerry or the Ardent way that Jerry loved Jesus Jerry camel was a childhood friend of Bruce Mandalay's he was being paid by Bruce to keep Max West sober Jerry camel however contracted a near fatal stomach virus while they were hiking up to see the mystical jewel colored volcanic pools on the Indonesian island of Flores there was no hospital on Flores and so Jerry was helicoptered to den Pasar in Bali and then to Singapore Matthew who had been sneaking long poles off the native guide's flask of Hooch did not catch the near fatal stomach bug alcohol had saved his life but it was killing him too he acknowledged as he popped open both bottles of champagne handed one to his Thai coed and drank from the other one himself why insist on formalities like glasses Ace didn't seem to mind she chugged from her bottle Matthew would be found dead in a hotel room not unlike this one he was sure of it especially with Bess now gone he would die alone the unintentional victim of his own hand just like Hendrick Morrison Joplin Keith Moon addictions were an occupational hazard Max West liked to say though best called this the ultimate copout Matthew rolled a joint and was freshly pleased that he had company the rest of his band Terry Alfonso the good family men that Bruce had insisted He surround himself with long ago were on an all day tour of Bangkok the floating markets the palace that held the emerald Buddha the temple called wat PO with 100 foot long reclining Buddha and a famous silk Merchant's house that was filled with the finest antiques in Southeast Asia the rest of his band tolerated a to or two of delightful bud but they would Lynch him if they knew he was drinking so Ace Matthew smiled at her as he lit up the joint but he suddenly didn't have the energy for small talk where she was from what she was about he wanted to know these things but couldn't bring himself to ask a deep-seated unhappiness Matthew tried to imagine the happiness residing in him was it thriving Somewhere In His Dark recesses growing mushrooming was it really due to his father's leaving Matthew didn't remember his father and never wondered about him in his mind his childhood had been fine he'd been loved by his mother and doed on by his four older siblings his adulthood had been a fantasy every wish material and non-material fulfilled he wrote songs he sang he played the guitar he regarded Ace the smooth brown suede of her skin the silky line of her black hair the tender pale inside of her wrist she was beautiful and indifferent he appreciated the indifference more than the beauty but Matthew knew he wouldn't sleep with her it was what he'd expected to do when he let her in it was what she expected but Matthew was all done with empty relationships and with touching beautiful girls who meant nothing to him a deep-seated unhappiness Matthew let the champagne flow down his throat stinging him nearly choking him while Max was in brunai the strangest thing had happened Bruce had called to tell Max he would be going to Nantucket Island in August to sing for Claire Danner Claire Danner Max had said I thought you would want to do it Bruce said I wasn't wrong was I no Max said not wrong of course I want to do it it was weird the way things happened the way the world worked so bizarre and unpredictable that Max could barely handle it sober no sooner had Bruce said the name Claire Danner than Max was suffused with tender painful memories of himself as a teenager and Claire God the two of them had been so unformed but somehow perfect in Matthew's mind Claire Danner wasn't even a person anymore she was an idea handholding falling asleep on the beach wrapped together in a blanket she was his innocence his sight his voice he had learned how to sing by singing to her they hadn't known the first thing about love and that had been better that had been best they were innocent they didn't know when or how to hide their feelings and so they shared everything they were kids they had been happy even when they were miserable Claire Dan Bruce said max hadn't seen her in many many moons and yet in his mind she was right there her milky white skin her red ringlets her tiny ears like delicate shells she had pale eyelashes skinny wrists her second toe was longer than her big toe she had a silent sneeze that made Max laugh every time she couldn't drink beer because it made her V he could attest to this so she had to drink wine coolers did they even make wine coolers anymore he'd started to believe in the weeks since Bruce had said the words Clare Danner that Claire Danner was the woman he'd known and understood best in his life better than either of his wives and certainly better than Savannah and he had left her he had thought he had no choice voice he was going to California to become a rock star she was off to college she was going to be an artist a wife a mother she belonged to someone else now and he had belonged to many someone else's but there was a way wasn't there in which he would always belong to Claire Danner Max West like most rock stars had built a career on the premise that we were all all in our hearts 17 years old he passed the joint to Ace she inhaled with her eyes closed and guess what Matthew said I'm going there this summer to sing for her Ace tilted her head where she said who n Tucket he said Claire did he feel guilty yes and no it was tricky emotional terrain and the best thing about his love affair with Claire Danner Crispen was that before she came into his life he had feared himself emotionally dead the part of his life where his feelings mattered was over it had ended not during the months following Daphne's accident because those were the most emotionally turbulent months of his life but in the months following those months after Daphne had recovered recovered was not the right word implying as it did that something lost had been found Daphne had survived the accident yes but the best parts of her were gone her charm her sense of humor her Devotion to him Lo and their daughter Heather gone these things were replaced with anger suspicion and a cruel frankness that left Lo Heather and everyone else who came into contact with Daphne breathless Lo would lie in bed after Daphne had told him that she married him for his money that she stayed married to him for his money that he was a piss poor lover and she had faked every orgasm with him since 1988 and wonder if the car had crashed differently if Daphne had hit her head harder or less hard or at another angle might things have turned out the opposite way might he have been left with a sweet and loving pacifist for a wife why did it happen one way and not another the loss of the Daphne he had fallen in love with was the first blow and this was followed by Heather's Exodus to boarding school and then to a camp in Maine she had even spent the past Thanksgiving with the family of a friend in Turks and Kos these things happened and Lock's well of happiness and love dried up and then eventually his sadness and disappointment and anger dried up too he felt nothing he was a desert it was easier to live this way than he had thought he immersed himself in work he loved his job liked it better than the career he'd built for 20 years at Dixon superconductors in Boston he enjoyed being on Nantucket part of a community where he could make a difference he garnered genuine satisfaction from fundraising and from administering those funds for nantucket's children contrary to popular belief there were kids on this island who were truly needy as needy as kids in the inner city kids who lived in basement apartments that housed 14 people who only made it into the shower once a week who got the majority of their clothing and shoes and toys and furniture from the take it or leave it pile at the town dump whose parents worked so hard for such long hours that the kids were left to play fo ball at the Boys and Girls Club until 8:00 at night with only a bag of pretzels for dinner Lock's circles were wide enough now to include people like this everyone who knew lock respected him and thought he was a good man he was doing a job that needed to be done even though he never had to work again he was steadfast with his wife through the malstrom of her attacks he was solid a rock a desert he had no feelings things were not good but they were easy how to explain about Claire he had known her for years she was a face in the background he had never thought her particularly beautiful he had never been partial to redheads or women with a Victorian palar he had always admired Claire's glass but that was solely an appreciation for her work something about the curves of the pieces struck him as sensual and her use of color resonated with his own personal aesthetic he thought her work was good technically and he thought it was beautiful the bubbles sculpture displayed in the foyer of the Clawson summer home had captured his imagination the way Marbles and kaleidoscopes had as a child he made a point to see the bubble sculpture in the clawson's Park Avenue apartment as well as the piece at the Whitney and then one year on their way to ski at Stratton they had detoured to the museum in shelburn but Lock's admiration for Claire's work was disembodied from the artist it didn't explain his sudden fall to her feet it happened to him like an accident like a crash a blow to the head on the night of the first Gayla meeting there was something about Claire that night she was nervous Earnest and yet confident about Max West about her glass she had been wearing a jade green t-shirt that plunged to her breasts and tight jeans her hair curled in tendrils around her face and she wore a perfume that made something inside him stir when she walked into the room woman he thought perfume hair breasts smile smile and a smile in her voice when she was talking about Max West she said back then he was just a kid like the rest of us she was drinking wine and her cheeks flushed she was a woman and a girl at the same time when she stood to look at her own work on his shelf a vase she brushed past him he noticed her scent again and her jeans she picked up the vase and turned it gently and at that moment moment Lock's fascination with her was born she had made that vase she had blown it out with her own Lips This aroused him he was shocked because along with his emotional life his sexual life had also died Daphne wanted sex in spurts and bouts twice a day for a week and then not again for 12 months but watching Claire whole parts of him were suddenly alive with possibility he might have been seeing her for the first time boom a Blow To The Head a blow to the heart she took the job as Gaya chair not because she was power hungry or needed her name in lights but because she wanted to help in this they were the same she was darling he wanted her it started out slowly one kiss another kiss more kissing if she had had any hesitations she would have asked him to stop right he had been through University before the age of Date Rape and no means no but he was the father of a girl now a teenager and hence he understood he moved things along with Claire very slowly though there was a tide of ache and longing in him to push it faster they kissed and he touched her breasts her delicate nipples and she gasped as if she'd been burned he pulled away immediately had he heard her had he pushed things too far she said if you stop I'll kill you and they laughed he felt guilty not for himself but for her she had a husband Jason Crispen and she said she loved him Lo wanted to know what she meant by this how did she love him how much did she love him and if she loved him why was she willing to be with Lo because she was willing all through the fall through the holidays and into the winter she met him some nights they stayed in the office some nights they met in the garden at greater light now a preserved but little visited historic site and they made out like teenagers with Claire sitting on the chilly cement steps as lock reached into her blouse then into her jeans sometimes they drove in cla's Honda Pilot beyond the Water Tower or to the end of Capon Pond Road where they grappled for each other over the children's car seat their feet muddling the pages from coloring books and empty juice boxes on the floor of the car lock was reluctant to make love in the car not because it was uncomfortable able though it was but because the children's presence was almost palpable the Honda was a piece of Claire's actual life it was an extension of her home and lo felt like an intruder but Claire loved to have him in her car she got a delicious satisfaction she said from remembering their coupling as she drove the children to school and so they went out in the car frequently because more than anything Lo wanted to make CLA happy unlike Daphne CLA could be made happy and this was what satisfied lock the most what filled him up Claire smiled she laughed she giggled I feel like a kid again she said you've changed my life he had gotten her back into the hot shop back to work he hadn't thought of it as a come on if he thought of it at all it was as a public service the world in his opinion should not be without the art of Claire Danner Crispen when he asked her to create a piece for the auction he was pretty sure she'd be thrilled flattered he had not at that time understood why she had stopped working he thought the break was temporary a maternity leave now he knew the whole story and while there was much that Lo wanted to say in response he kept his mouth shut he was glad he had got gotten her back into the hot shop working again you would have gone crazy he said spending the rest of your life's sponging countertops oh I don't know she said but it was clear she loved being back at work she was fired up again she said Lo had a harder time convincing her that neither the fall nor Zach's early delivery were her fault I was the one who fell she said I was dehydrated I wasn't drinking enough water the temperature was unsafe I knew that my doctor warned me she talked all the time about Zach Lo had only seen Zach once in passing though CLA described him as very needy and way behind where her other kids were at his age Lo thought it sounded bad or potentially bad and in an attempt to help he gave CLA some information about early intervention Net's children funded them every year as well as the name of a doctor in Boston Lo thought CLA would be grateful for this information but it immediately became clear that she resented it you think there's something wrong with him I don't even know him Claire I haven't even spent five minutes with him I only gave you the information because you seemed concerned and I wanted to help this turned into an argument for the first time they parted on bad terms Claire was sobbing about Zach there was something wrong with him it was her fault she knew it and there was lock rubbing her nose in it giving her the number of a doctor in Boston and of early intervention if I thought he needed early intervention she screamed I would have called them myself lock had only been trying to help he facilitated things like this all the time it wasn't his job to make a diagnosis only to put people with problems in touch with people who could solve the problems he tried to explain this to Claire but she was having none of it she drove off lock didn't hear from CLA for 5 days five empty nearly unbearable days he was distracted at work every time the phone rang he stopped what he was doing and watched Gavin listening was it CLA no every time he heard the door open at the bottom of the stairs his heart leapt no he sent CLA one vague email of apology then another she did not respond but this wasn't entirely surprising CLA rarely checked her email finally he decided he would stop by her house this decision was both rash and carefully thought out on the one hand he didn't want to see her cheerful bustling household and feel bereft and lonely because his own home was as chilly and white as an empty ice box after Siobhan had run across the two of them together in Claire's car they had made a rule about seeing each other during the day they wouldn't do it except in the name of legitimate Gayla business there was of course a lot of legitimate Gayla business Claire was working on production for the concert she and Isabelle were back and forthing on the invite design possible underwriting and assignments for the committee members before the argument Claire and lock had had lunch on two occasions once with Tessa kleene of nanm Mag Tessa was doing a feature spread on nantucket's children and lockart Dixon executive director and the annual summer Gayla and Claire Danner Crispen Gayla co-chair and local Artisan I've always wanted to do a really in-depth piece like this Tessa said and bring in these different intersecting elements they were at lunch at the Sea Grill and lock and CLA were sitting next to each other on the banket while Tessa faced them firing questions at one point Clare nudged lock with her leg and he shifted away from her they talked all the time about how important it was to be careful Siobhan already harbored suspicions they couldn't have any more close calls if they got caught it would ruin everything cla's marriage her family life Lock's marriage his reputation and the reputation of nantucket's children the affair was a grenade pull the pin and everything got destroyed but lock couldn't stand thinking of CLA upset by something he'd done he couldn't let another day go by without seeing her he decided to go to Claire's house under the pretense of dropping off a stack of underwriting letters that Claire had to sign and mail out ASAP before the argument and it couldn't accurately be called an argument because they hadn't fought or even disagreed he had inadvertently offended her CLA had asked him all the time to stop by and see her it would be sweet she said and romantic if he surprised her sometime come in the early afternoon CLA said Jason is never home lock wasn't worried about Jason he had actually bumped into Jason at Christmas time at Marine Home Center where they were both buying tree stands they stood in line together and made Small Talk Jason said Claire is really into that thing the two of you are working on H lock said yes the Gayla should be a hoot Jason said the man was affable enough Lo thought he had a toughness a masculinity that Lo lacked but part and parcel with those traits was what LO could only think of as ignorance Lo wasn't saying that Jason was stupid but he wasn't polished or worldly and there were things he didn't know or understand about CLA once after a few glasses of vonier at the office CLA said in regard to Jason half the time I'm his mother and the other half I'm his sex slave Lo said sweeping her hair aside so he could kiss the back of her neck you deserve better you know it was Lock's opinion that Jason treated Claire like a feudal servant and while he was angered by this he was also grateful for it the holes that Jason left were ones that lock could fill he could tell Claire she was beautiful he could talk to her about her work he could appr appreciate her treat her gently tenderly he could clip poems out of the New Yorker or copy passages out of novels and know that the words and the sentiments were fresh Claire kept the clippings in an unmarked folder I love Jason she said but he's not you what did that mean lock took it to mean that he was giving Claire something she lacked something she needed Claire had sex with her husband often she used this word often though she didn't qualify it for Lo and Daphne once a month would have been often before the accident they had had sex once or twice a week Lo feared that often for Claire meant even more frequently than that but he couldn't bear to dwell on it when he and Clare were together he couldn't allow himself to become distracted by whether CLA had been employed as Jason's sex slave the day before or even that very day she never said a word her passion for lock was pulsing and vocal every single time and he was happy with that well he had no choice Jason was the husband the father of her children lock went to Claire's house after a lunch with the head of marine Home Center to discuss a yearly giving plan on his way back to the office he decided he would drop off those underwriting letters which did indeed have to go out they were behind the eightball as it was lock knew Claire's neighborhood though he wasn't exactly sure which house was hers odd he thought that he didn't even know which house his lover lived in Daphne had been to Claire's house once for a women's cocktail party or a baby shower and lock had dropped her off but that was ages ago back in another lifetime he turned on to Claire's Road Featherbed Lane an unfortunate name his heart skipping his lunch trying to find a way to comfortably settle he was crossing a threshold stepping over the line into Claire's actual life her house on cozy comfy Featherbed Lane it was different from Claire's stopping by the office the office was public space and she belonged there now as much as he did she would never dream of going to Lock's house that cold White Palace on the edge of the water she wouldn't want to see Daphne and lock didn't blame her he identified the house right away there was something distinctive about it which he had forgotten an Al Cove around the front door when lock had dropped Daphne off long ago it had been summer the roof of the AL Cove had dripped with Ivy and Cletus though now in January they were bare Brown Vines and on the step had sat a wide bottomed green bottle with the word Crispen imprinted on the front Claire's car was in the driveway and there were hockey sticks leaning against the garage door and a basketball trapped in an icy puddle the day was very bright and cold lock squinted despite his sunglasses he wore ear muffs this had become something of a joke around town people pointing out that since he was losing his hair he really needed a hat and an overcoat and Wing tipped shoes he felt like a Salesman as he approached the door he felt like a Jehovah's Witness the house was a work of art it was trimmed with mahogany and copper flashing the light fixture next to the door was an antique the front door was salvaged from somewhere probably a farmhouse in Vermont lock knocked he should have called first though that belii the principle of stopping by which was what Claire had said she wanted him to do she wanted him to surprise her well here he was surprise Lo heard a shuffle a whispery noise nearly imperceptible beneath his earm moths and then the door opened a crack lock saw a sliver of dark hair one dark eye a glint of silver he heard a noise like a tiny bell yes now he really felt like a Jehovah's Witness a vacuum salesman hi I'm Lo Dixon I work with Claire is she here the door opened a little wider revealing a girl the Tai oare the Lifesaver the real reason lock and Clare were able to conduct an affair she out back the girl said hot shop are you pan she nodded the Bell around her neck tinkled brightly the door opened a little wider okay you come in she said okay I'll come in he said and then just like that he was in Claire's house to the left was a bench covered with bright cushions and a pendant light with a stained glass shade a door led to a silvery Powder Room the floors were Maple and to Lock's right was an unusual twisting staircase with balls made from what looked like the staves of an oak wine barrel the house was warm and it smelled like onions and ginger he loved the house instantly and hated himself for loving it his eyes darted around as if he was a robber casing The Joint as he followed pan into the great room stone fireplace with a smoldering log honed Limestone countertops Oriental Rugs a deep red couch exposed beams Cherry cabinets copper pots dried flowers a large oval chalkboard that said Shay 400 p.m. pick up rink milk pan stirred something on the stove it smelled wonderful behind the sofa were a few toys a plush tiger a plastic phone on a pole cord some wooden blocks lock placed his stack of underwriting letters on the countertop next to a pile of mail to hear Claire talk he would have thought the house was a shambles he expected drawers open piles of laundry mounted on the club chairs an inch of dust on the bookshelves s breakfast cereal clogging the drain of the sink but the house was orderly and clean and comfortable and Splendid in every detail the door to the mud room was open and lock could spy parkas and Boots a pair of ballet slippers hanging from Pink satin ribbons he heard the churning of the washing machine the room smelled like wood smoke Ginger laundry detergent his eyes filled with tears unexpectedly he had dreamed of saving CLA from this place but she was already safe this was a home and he was the wrecker what was he doing these are for CLA lock said indicating the pile of letters I'm just dropping them off pan nodded as she moved vegetables around with a wooden spoon she saw him watching you hungry she said you want lock raised a hand I just ate he said thank you he should go when CLA was ready to speak to him again she would call him he turned toward the door now however CLA would know he'd been here and hadn't made a point to see her and what kind of message would that send he cleared his throat can I see Claire is she out back hot shop pan said working this seemed to be an admonishment for him to leave certainly Claire would not tolerate anyone disturbing her when she was working I see Lo said so he really should go but it had taken such an effort emotionally to come to cross the line and he would almost certainly never do it again so he would see her he would insist I'll go out back he said okay CLA working pan said it not safe true enough it wasn't safe but lock said please it's okay she wants to see me pan stared at him had he just tipped his hand to the tie oir she Shrugged okay be careful hot shop hot hot shop bright where goggle he smiled you bet he left the house by the back door and traversed the slushy muddy backyard to the hot shop which was smaller than a guest Cottage but bigger than a shed it billowed white smoke like a nuclear reactor he had often envisioned Claire at work in the shop and now he would see her he knocked on the metal door there was no answer she was busy or she couldn't hear him he waited shivering and tapping his foot against the cold wondering if pan was watching him out here he looked back at the house the windows were steamed he knocked again more forcefully CLA he called the property abutted the public golf course and his voice echoed out over the Frozen Fairway was this a good idea he tried the knob and it turned should he just enter Then surprising her was one thing but what if he scared her so badly she burned herself or cut herself well he didn't have all day he needed to get back to the office and since he was determined to show his face he pushed into the hot shop Claire he called out Jesus was it hot Lo whipped off his ear muffs and unbuttoned his coat it had to have been well over a 100° in there the furnace was roaring like a dragon Lock's eyes were drawn to the dazzling brightness it was like looking at the inside of a star he closed his eyes and amorphous green blobs danced around be careful he had been here 10 seconds and already he'd burned his retinas when he opened his eyes again he saw Claire across the room in a white tank top and jeans and clogs if he hadn't known it was her she would have been unrecognizable her hair was gathered in a very tight bun and she wore large plastic welders goggles she was just stepping away from the furnace with a mold blob of Glass on the end of a pipe she turned the pipe deftly so that the blob became a uniform sphere a perfect globe of yellow jelly Lo yanked at his tie it was sweltering nearly unbearable in here how did CLA stand it he noticed she was sweating her tank top was damp and clung to her she hadn't seen him yet and he wasn't sure how to announce his presence without scaring caring the B Jesus out of her he was fascinated too by her movements by the way she held the pipe by the way she manipulated the hot glass the glass was like a living thing on the end of the pipe with a mind of its own it wanted to go one way Claire coaxed at another she held the pipe to her mouth and blew and the blob expanded like a balloon she made it look effortless she Twisted the pipe some more she laid the balloon against a metal table and rolled it and shaped it and opened the end with a pair of tweezers then she turned back toward the furnace lock tried to duck out of sight but he wasn't fast enough he didn't want to scare her true but he also didn't want to stop watching her she saw him then her mouth opened and she jerked the pipe the vessel on the end of the pipe jerked also and immediately became Lobster excited Claire dumped the pipe vessel end down into a bucket of water causing a lot of steam and hiss at the same time Lock's Spirits were dampened he had made a mistake in disturbing her he had ruined her work he wanted to leave hastily but he was here now and she knew it so he took a few hesitant steps forward she closed the furnace door and immediately the room dimmed and grew cooler she pushed pushed her goggles to the top of her head and blinked rapidly as if she thought she might be hallucinating it's me he thought surprise stopping by had backfired the 5 days of silence had been a message she was finished with him but then she smiled I can't believe it she said cannot believe it I'm here here he said I dropped off those letters letters she said for the underwriting [ __ ] the underwriting she said she looked around the shop this place is safe the only person who ever comes in here is me well then Lo said moving toward her and putting his arms around her waist I can tell you the truth I came for you you they kissed she tasted like metal and sweat her lips and the skin of her face were very hot as if she had a fever it was different but not unpleasant when they both went to hell and they kissed this was what it would be like I'm revolting she said you never my my hair she said and God I stink her hair was matted against her forehead and there were marks on her face where her goggles had clamped against her skin she smelled sour and musky and yet she had never been more beautiful in fact Lo would have been hardpressed to remember a time he had ever found a woman more beautiful than Claire was right now working sweating smiling in her hot shop she was a queen I'm sorry about the other day he said about giving you those numbers I just thought she put her hand over his mouth forget it I was too sensitive I shouldn't have stormed off and then you didn't call you didn't call me I didn't feel like I could call you he said I did send an email too in fact she didn't resp respond he wasn't sure if this meant she had read them or not but it didn't matter what the 5 days of silence had shown him was that he was in love with her he might have been in love with her for a while but he had never felt compelled to say it to say it would be the ultimate in not safe I'm in love with you he said her eyes were wet or it was the perspiration or a trick of his vision in this heat but no he was right she was crying you must be she said you came he squeezed her as hard as he could fearing she would melt in his arms like butter she would slip away disappear the molten glass on the end of her pipe that hot pulsing living thing that organ she controlled and expanded with only her breath that was his heart they did not kiss much more and they certainly didn't go any further the hot shop was too hot and there was pan waiting in the house and the whole fact of Lock's trespassing on her and Jason's territory and two there was a sense that the purpose of this afternoon's visit was deeper and and more meaningful than their previous couplings he had shared something he had given himself over and now everything was changed it had been elevated he was in love she owned him he was hers I have to get back to the office he said I know she said but one thing please will you come up and see Zach where is he upstairs asleep I just want you to look at him why just because he's my baby I want you to see him please they entered the house together though not touching pen was sitting on a bar stool at the counter eating her lunch she watched them silently as they climbed the stairs they entered the nursery painted butter yellow it had an alphabet rug and Gauzy drapes a walnut crib and matching changing table shelves of board books an upholstered rocking chair a basket of plush animals Heather had had such a nursery her Nursery was redecorated now and served as Daphne's study though Daphne did no actual work in there that locked knew of other than writing angry letters to the editor of the New York Times about the liberal slam of the paper journalism this Nursery was cozy like the rest of the house it soothed the soul it gave lock peace to walk in behind CLA to gaze down on the sleeping baby a beefy redhead with Claire's pale skin he was snuggled under a blue blanket working a pacifier this is Zach Claire whispered what did Lo think about this sleeping baby Claire was knitting her fingers together nervously she thought there was something wrong with her child and it terrified her she was scared despite the fact that Gita Patel a very good pediatrician had said that Zach was fine normal healthy for some reason Claire wanted a diagnosis from lock her fears about Zach were the one thing she wanted him to assuage it was the only thing she had ever asked him for Zach's hair was red and curly like Claire's and his long curved eyelashes were red his skin was white like plaster or powder or snow or pure marble his eyelids flickered back and forth he sucked rhythmically on the pacifier he was Claire's child her baby and lo felt a surge of love for him if there was something wrong with this child lock would help Claire find it fix it cure it he's beautiful lock said he's perfect chapter 7 he leaves her two is a French at nc.rr.com from CDC C at nantucket.net sent February 10th 2008 10:02 a.m. subject the invite Isabelle thank you for sending me the mockup of the invite it's lovely really with the peach and the mint green very elegant without being tired or fusty I just wanted to address a few points first of all it seems you have renamed the event Un Petit guare does have a certain Continental charm but Nantucket isn't Paris nor is it santro and the event has been called the summer Gayla for so long that I think to avoid confusion we should stick with it so please change Un Petit Suare to Summer Gala I noticed Aster forgot to include where the event was being held so we need him to add a line after 6:00 to 10: p.m. that reads Town recreation Fields Old South Road lastly would you mind changing my name so that it reads Claire Danner Crispen instead of Mrs Jason Crispen without getting into the particulars of my marriage suffice it to say that nobody on this island or anywhere else in the world knows me as Mrs Jason Crispen thanks Claire to CDC nantucket.net from is a French at NC . rr.com sent February 10th 2008 10:05 a.m. subject the invite dear Claire regarding the three points made in your email of a few moments ago I chose the title very carefully granted Nantucket is not Leon nor is it Exon provance but inare will lend the event an understated Elegance it desperately needs secondly describing the location as Town recreational Fields adds a Sunday softball game field to our event that we would do best to avoid at all costs and so I simply deleted the location when I gave Aster the information in the first place figuring we would decide on a name for the location that would be more Savory to our demographic than Town recreational fields we might simply say Under the Tent Old South Road this sort of makes it sound like a traveling circus but it is an improvement on Town recreational Fields just as in peare you understand the translation yes a simple Affair is a vast Improvement on summer Gaya as for our monikers the way I have them written Mrs Marshall fr French and Mrs Jason Crispen is how it is standardly done in New York I agree it is a bit old school Emily post and believe me with the divorce I am going through I am personally loathed to use the name Mrs Marshall French but I am even more hesitant to Buck tradition especially in light of our demographic who will no doubt appreciate the invitation worded formally thanks Isabelle to is a French at nc.rr.com from CDC nantucket.net sent February 18th 2008 1121 a.m. subject the invite Isabelle sorry it has taken me so long to respond my kids are all sick and my husband is on Deadline with a job and wouldn't you know it my opair is on vac in the Grand Canyon leaving me to Mastermind our daily survival time being of the essence I will cut to the chase I do understand the translation thank you for asking Un Petit Suare a simple Affair is a Whimsical name for a certain kind of party but not this party I'd rather not be ironic there is nothing small nor simple nor French about the event and as I've said before there is great danger in changing the name of an event that is as established as ours is we have to use Town recreational Fields because that is the name of the venue granted it is not glamorous granted my children do play baseball and soccer there but it is the only venue big enough to host this kind of event and it is generously donated to us by the town and hence the town must be named on the invite to say Under the Tent Old South Road is cruy uninformed Old South Road is 3 m long I can just picture our demographic puttering along trying to locate the peaks of a tent above the trees thirdly it is the 21st century and it is okay now for women to use their own names there is no reason why you should have to use your ex-husband's name just as there is no reason why I should have to use my husband's name I will use my maiden name as well as my given Christian name because that is how I am known professionally and personally Claire Danner Crispen I am not willing to bend on this and I thank you in advance for your kind Indulgence thanks Claire to CDC nantucket.net from Isa French nc.rr.com sent February 18th 2008 1124 4 a.m. subject the invite dear Claire I will inform Aster of the nature of our discussion thanks Isabelle to is a frrench nyc.rr.com from CDC nantucket.net sent February 28th 2008 3:38 p.m. subject urgent question Isabelle today in the mail I received the sample invite and I noticed that although it is utterly beautiful only one of the changes we talked about had been made I am still listed as Mrs Jason Crispen and the location is described as Under the Tent Old South Road you said you would give the changes to Aster what happened Claire to CDC nantucket.net from Isa French nc.rr.com sent February 20th 2008 3:41 p.m. subject urgent question dear Claire I said I would inform Aster as to the nature of our discussion he was willing to bend on the name of the event in order to be consistent with years past I however was dismayed believing as I do that untit Suare is a far superior title for the evening Aster did not see the need to incorporate the other two changes thanks Isabelle two is a French at nyc.rr.com from CDC nantucket.net sent February 28th 2008 824 p.m. subject sense of entitlement Isabelle I hope I will not offend you when I say that Aster Wyatt gracious as he was to design the invite Gratis is not in a position to make decisions on behalf of nantucket's children and I am infuriated that he has done so please I must insist change my name to read Claire Danner crisen if you want to leave the location as vague as it is be my guest but get ready for the ensuing chaos thanks Claire to CDC nantucket.net from Isa French nc.rr.com sent February 28 2008 8:27 p.m. subject sense of entitlement dear CLA actually Aster Wyatt is on the Gayla committee he was a appointed by me and I made him the chair of invitations hence all final decisions on the invitation were made by him he did design the invite for free though the printing costs for 2,500 invites including invite oversize envelope response card and response envelope came to just under $6,000 a Vellum insert printed with the committee members names will be extra but I do think we should include it once our committee is firmed up the invites just came back from the printer I sent you one straight away but you'll agree with me that we can't incur any additional expense by going back and changing your name which I will point out is not misspelled or inaccurate just because you don't like it thanks Isabelle forward L Dixon Nantucket children.org CC aisk Harper cis.com sent February 28th 2008 900 p.m. subject sense of entitlement have you seen this can you believe it I am going to be listed underneath Isabelle by the way even though I am first alphabetically and whose decision do you think that was as Mrs Jason Crispen it is so disgustingly Mayflower I think I might puke to CDC nantucket.net from aisk harboran fis.com sent March 1st 2008 8:14 a.m. subject sense of entitlement six grand is too much money as it is Claire we can't go back and fix them on the bright side Jason will love it Adams to aisk Harper fis.com from CDC nantucket.net sent March 1st 2008 9:45 a.m. subject sense of entitlement Jason won't understand it he'll see the name Mrs Jason Crispen and thinks someone is calling him a woman to is a French at nyc.org R r.com from CDC nantucket.net subject disgusting sense of entitlement unsent Isabelle I find working with you difficult and unpleasant I understand that you are going through a very painful divorce and hence I am willing to give you some extra rope what I'd like you to understand however is that Nantucket is different from Manhattan Nantucket at its core is a small town casual and humble even in the busy summer months we do not need or want all the trappings and pretentions that might attend a benefit such as the Gayla in Manhattan or Khan or nce either for that matter I do not need or want a title like Mrs Jason Crispen even my children's friends call me CLA it does not matter if the location of the Gayla is referred to as the town recreational Fields because that is in fact the venue's name I am sorry if that is too downhome Church social for you I am sorry if Nantucket in general is too unpolished and Loosey Goosey for you however remember this the quiet modest relaxed nature of the island is the very reason why so many esteemed people have sought it out as their summer Refuge as an antidote to the big city not a summertime version of it thanks Claire bid for nantucket's children summer Gayla Island Fair catering Carter and Siobhan Crispen Proprietors including full bar champagne Fountain past ures stationary orves sit down dinner dessert sampler $225 per person Caterers note the following menu has been written written for Success it is a challenge for even the largest most sophisticated catering operation to serve a sit down dinner to 1,000 people successfully we heard complaints that last year's Entre were in turn cold undercooked and overcooked our focus is fresh seasonal food locally grown raised and fished when possible that can be eaten at room temperature as at a picnic we will offer modest portions of three Entre to ensure that we please everyone and we guarantee elegant and creative presentation Pastor derves coconut shrimp curried mango chutney chilled gaspacho shots smoked chicken and avocado quesadillas with corn salsa wild mushroom and rfor in filo guer crispy fried pork wons with sweet and sour apricot dipping sauce stationary or derves raw bar with freshly shooked oysters and clams Minette sauce jumbo shrimp with horseradish mustard and cocktail sauces Bri on crout with pecans and Plum Chutney chilled vegetable crudy t with chive and pine nut dip and roasted red pepper hummus seated dinner grilled beef tenderloin with gorgonzola cream mini lobster roll wild rice salad with p Bellow mushrooms and dried cranberry vinegret traditional capresi salad sliced Bartlett Farm Tomatoes Buffalo mozzarella fresh basil cornbread with honey butter dessert sampler brownies and blondies chocolate dipped strawberries a Claires key lime bars homemade marshmallows brown sugar fudge peanut brittle chocolate mint truffles business briefs The Inquirer and mirror February 25th lockart Dixon executive director of nantucket's children confirmed yesterday that rock and roll icon Max West will perform at the Charities annual summer Gayla to be held on August 16th at the Town recreational fields we thrilled with this opportunity Dixon said max West has agreed to donate the performance otherwise we would never have been able to afford such an esteemed name our Gayla co-chair Claire Danner Crispen is a childhood friend of Max West's she was able to get him to commit and we are very grateful tickets to the event start at $1,000 per person and include cocktails dinner and a 90minut concert by West it's sure to be the social event of the summer Dixon said Gavin Andrews was stealing from nantucket's children though he didn't think of it as stealing per se nor did he think of it as embezzling rather the image that came to his mind was that of skimming off the top as harmless as a child putting his finger through the icing on a cake he had started skimming back in October when donations rolled in for the annual appeal he would get 10 or 12 checks totaling $8500 and he would deposit $8,000 taking 500 in cash in his pocket the check amounts were recorded in a file on the computer but the deposits were made at the bank and the only record of them was the deposit slip which Gavin threw away and the bank statements which it was Gavin's responsibility to reconcile his skim would be caught eventually by an auditor but the auditor only came once every 2 years and he had come in September and had found everything on the up and up in perfect order balanced to the penny lock was pleased with Gavin said he expected nothing less patted him literally on the back two weeks later Gavin started the skimming by the time the auditor returned Gavin would be long gone no one else would catch him the board of directors did have a Treasurer an elderly man named you had to love this Ben Franklin who lived in Lincoln Park in Chicago not far from Gavin's parents in fact Ben Franklin and Gavin's father Gavin senior belonged to the same social club and it was for this reason that Gavin knew Ben Franklin was was in his waning years losing it Mr Franklin was the only board member who had volunteered to be Treasurer he was the father of nine children and the grandfather of 26 and Gavin believed he desired to be Treasurer less to manage the finances than to escape the chaos of his summer household old Ben expected Gavin to hand him the budget and investment balance in the minutes before each board meeting Ben Frank came to only three meetings a year June July and August and the rest of the time Gavin sat in as Treasurer and presented the budget himself lock was the only person Gavin had to worry about but Gavin had worked at nantucket's children for nearly as long as lock had and Gavin knew his boss as intimately as a spouse this might have been presumptuous on Gavin's part what after all did he know about having a spouse so let's say this Gavin spent more time with lock than Daphne did Gavin knew the following things although Lo was a businessman his predilections ran toward interacting with people and building relationships he could schmoo he could negotiate with such a deaf touch that the other party did not realize he was doing Lock's exact bidding Lo was persuasive and confident and smart and that was how he had built his fortune lock was not however a numbers man looking at rows and Columns of figures made his head swim and his eyes cross until he begged Gavin to bring him an Advil Gavin learned this early on and kindly suggested that lock leave the annoying minutia of the banking to him Lo was grateful and Gavin had spent years earning his confidence the books were perfect the auditor pleased gold star Gavin's decision to steal embezzle skim did not come lightly even though his path was clear and his plan foolproof he was still terrified of getting caught getting caught would pretty much end the life he now led meaning his job and the use of his parents enormous house not to mention his relationship with his parents with Lo and with everyone else he knew so why do it to be blunt Gavin felt somebody somewhere owed him something his life had not worked out the way it was supposed to he had been born the only child of wealthy parents his life should have been easy one of his problems was that he had peaked too early he had been voted best looking by his graduating class at Evanston day school but his parents had not been impressed by that distinction they had seen it as one more thing they had given him you were born with very good jeans his mother said Gavin then attended the University of Michigan where he nearly got lost it was impossible to stand out in the sea of blue and Maze that populated Ann Arbor Gavin would never forget his first football game in the big house gazing at all those other bodies and feeling his insign ific an as some people did when contemplating the infinite number of stars in the heavens the defining moment of college came when Gavin was having sex with a beautiful freshman named Diana prell in the broom closet of an Irish Pub he couldn't remember how they had ended up in the broom closet but he remembered that it had been Diana's idea that she had led him in there when the sex was over however she accused him of having forced himself on her she did not go so far as to press charges but the term date rape was silently attached to his name he pretty much lost the few friends he had but he kept going to parties anyway and took up smoking so that he would have something to do a group of people to bond with if only for buming a cigarette or a light his resentment and alienation grew he felt something underneath his surface starting to run after college Gavin's senior set up a job for Gavin at cap and Lehi an accounting firm in Chicago and it was there that his life of white color crime began he succumbed to what he now saw was classic peer pressure when he was approached by a group of second-year hires who had an embezzlement ring going he could have blown the whistle or he could have turned a blind eye but he so desperately wanted acceptance by this group that he performed the most dangerous of the jobs moving funds from one account to another and changing the amounts in the switch then placing the difference in a slush fund that everyone in on the scam split they got caught after only a few months not because of Gavin but because of another fellow who fingered everyone in the ring because they were all recent hires very young and Incredibly stupid and because because the amount embezzled was less than $10,000 cap and Lehi fired them but did not mercifully press charges still Gavin was left in a state of disgrace and he was unhirable his parents were at Wits End Gavin lived at home that winter jobless listening to mournful Jazz and spending his parents money on finely tailored clothes that as far as he could tell he would never again have a reason to where in the summer he trailed his parents to Nantucket and in the fall they suggested he stay and try to make his own way either Gavin's parents thought the sea air and cold gray winter would be fortifying for his character or they simply wanted him banished tucked away on an island where they didn't have to deal with him in the day-to-day Gavin was allowed to live in the house overlooking Cisco Beach for free but he had to find a job and pay for the util ities Nantucket was a small place and this suited Gavin but he had a hard time finding a way to distinguish himself he babysat paintings in an art gallery for a few months but found it too boring he waited tables at the Brotherhood but found it too messy and hot then he found nantucket's children and something clicked this was odd his parents thought because he disliked children his skill set as it turned out was exactly that of a fastidious administrator he was prompt he was neat he was impeccably polite and he never forgot a thing he built himself a Persona the tiny red ladybug of a car his penchant for classical music and foreign films and Italian shirts from the habashy but lately he had begun to feel hemmed in by his own identity he wanted friends instead of acquaintances he wanted to be invited out to see a band and drink beer at the Chicken Box he wanted to be talked to instead of wondered about his closest friends now were Rosemary pinkle a recently widowed woman he knew from the Episcopal church and Lock's wife Daphne Dixon who liked to gossip as much as he did he was stealing not because he needed the money though the utility bills for a 6,000 ft house weren't cheap and his raises at work never garnered him as much butter as he hoped but because he wanted a change he would stockpile the cash and save it for his Escape when the time was right he would flee the country for Thailand or Vietnam or Laos where he would find a beautiful girl and live freely without judgment here was one thing that surprised Gavin about the stealing it enhanced the quality of his day-to-day life he went from floating mindlessly through the Thousand And1 tasks of his day to sitting on the edge of his seat noticing everything taking nothing for granted he was aware of the $500 bills in his pocket he was aware of the crumpled deposit slip buried in the trash can he could feel the pressure of his fingertips against the computer keyboard as he typed in the deposit amount he could feel the sharp Zing of the air against his clean shaven cheek he could hear lock across the room drawing and expelling breath he could pick apart each individual note of the chopan poz that was played on the Bose radio which note would be playing at the moment he was discovered it gave him a chill to wonder the phone rang and Gavin nearly jumped out of his rolling office chair lock looked up too much caffeine at lunch double latte Gavin confirmed if it's Daphne tell her I'm out lock said Gavin nodded this was a standard request although Gavin regarded Daphne as a comrade in the quest to keep life interesting he did not tell her that her husband routinely refused her calls nantucket's children Gavin Gavin licked his teeth and stared Straight Ahead at the freestanding coat rack like a prop straight out of Dragnet draped with Lock's berbery overcoat and Gavin's nicer cashmere jacket from hickey Freeman it was Claire Crispen again hello Claire hi is lock handy handy she always said this may maybe because her husband was a carpenter and the phrase drove Gavin apeshit was lock handy no he wasn't handy he couldn't even change the toilet paper roll in the bathroom Gavin had used that joke once then wearied of it he had wearied of Claire in general and yet she was always around calling lock popping in she would stop by at 8:15 on her way back from dropping the kids off at school looking like death on a stick in her stretched out shapeless yoga clothes wearing no makeup her hair in a halfhazard bun Gavin would never be seen looking that way in public he didn't like to look that way in private Claire always had something to pick up or drop off or something she wanted Gavin to pull from the files or she wanted Lock's ear on a conflict she had had via email with Isabelle French it was so tiresome Gavin didn't pay close attention more often than not CLA would call later that day and when Gavin answered the phone she would say hi it's Claire did you miss me and Gavin would think how can I miss you when you won't go away he usually tried to muster a little chuckle and then Claire would say wearing his patience down to a frayed thread is lock handy now Gavin said please hold he pushed the button on the phone and said to Lo it's Claire okay Lo said great put her through lock did not take Daphne's calls but he always took Claire's what did that say Gavin watched lock closely his eyes did seem to brighten when he said hello and his voice seemed to take on a tender tone and then lock swiveled in his chair and faced the 20 pained window which put his back to Gavin it was a gure Gavin knew well in many incarnations Gavin kept his hands in his jacket pockets when he went to the bank with a deposit and he did all of the banking computer work with the screen tilted away from Lock's desk most often when lock was at lunch these were the ways of a person with a secret turn your your back speak in short innocuous phrases that give nothing away as Lo was now doing yes I see what you mean okay not right now you bet yep me too Gavin narrowed his eyes at Lock's turned back aair it just wasn't possible Claire came in all the time looking like she had just spent 6 weeks in Outward Bound but hadn't had time for her back to civilization shower this was not the way a woman presented herself to a lover Gavin had bedded 14 women in his lifetime none of them special but all of them clean besides Claire wasn't Lock's type and it wasn't only the fact that she looked like she got dressed in a dark closet she was too casual a person for lock she was too comfortable and chummy she wasn't refined if Gavin had suggested to Daphne that lock was having an affair with CLA Crispen Daphne would have laughed wickedly and Unleashed an invective about Clare that would have made even Gavin uncomfortable and unwashed would have been the nicest of it Daphne worried about lock and Isabelle French and she was correct to worry because Isabelle French was classically beautiful and Polished and newly single Gavin was interested in Isabelle himself though she was way way way way way out of his league but Isabelle hadn't been to the island in months and she rarely called when she did call lock sometimes asked Gavin to take a message otherwise the conversations were tur with lock conveying unmistakable impatience no Gavin told Daphne with full confidence nothing is going on between Lo and Isabelle French but now there was this Vibe this near certainty that lock like Gavin had a secret look at him tapping his foot against the ancient radiator that was a nervous tick Gavin recognized it because he monitored himself for nervous ticks all the time the humming the knuckle cracking the licking of the teeth the compulsive checking of his pants pocket was the cash still there all of it it took a criminal to recognize a criminal and Gavin recognized a criminal okay lock said to CLA I'll follow up yep see you he hung up how is CLA Gavin said he asked as nonchalantly as possible Maybe maybe he was just projecting doing a bad thing came so easily for him that he assumed it would come easily for others lock smiled fondly guiltily Gavin couldn't tell oh he said she's fine Carter won $1900 on March Madness which was he informed Siobhan a basketball tournament and a very big deal in America Siobhan was beside herself about the gambling even at the win even after Carter pulled five bills off his wad of hundreds and said go shopping Siobhan did exactly that despite the fact that she should have put the money right into the bank to hedge against future losses despite the fact that she should have thrown the money in Carter's face and told him Point Blank that he had a problem the month of March had been dis for Siobhan there was no work only an endless string of hours spent with the kids at the ice rink eating cardboard pizza and stale popcorn and drinking flat diet soda Claire had been strange and distant working all the time in the hot shop on the project for the summer Gayla attending her meetings at night twice now when Siobhan had called to see if CLA wanted to go to 56 Union for a glass of Cabernet and a pile of crispy hot freets Claire had turned her down saying she had a meeting Siobhan said who goes to these meetings everyone or just you and lo there was a pause then Claire said there's a committee her tone of voice contained the accusation that while technically Siobhan was on the committee she had yet to attend a single meeting and wouldn't attend either thought heartily until they were offered the catering job the fact of the matter was things between Clare and Siobhan had not been right since the day Siobhan caught Clare and lock heading into the forest at tuppeny lynx and Clare flat out denied it it was an egregious lie but it wasn't the LIE per se that bothered sioban it was the LIE covered up by a slew of other lies what were all the meetings for what happened at these meetings Jason was perhaps too close to see the writing on the wall but sioban could read it something was going on why wasn't Clare owning up to it Clare was hiding something and Siobhan was offended and hurt by this she was angry at CLA and angry at herself Siobhan was too sarcastic maybe or too tough the result of learning to survive as one of eight children and Claire was as soft as the center of a fancy chocolate she was afraid to confide in Siobhan Siobhan was dying to ask Claire how do you feel about Lo do you like working with him you spend a lot of time together do you have feelings for him Claire's relationship with lock seemed to be reaching beyond the normal beyond the everyday it seemed to have taken on an intimacy that overstepped the appropriate but sioban was not brave enough to bring it up with CLA and so they were at an impass CLA would not confide in Siobhan about lock sioban would not confide in Claire about Carter's gambling or anything else their friendship was suffering it had been a brutal winter Siobhan took the $500 from Carter stuffed it in her jeans pocket and went into town as she was leaving the house Carter said buy yourself something pretty like he was a gangster and she his Maul what a joke Saturday afternoon in the middle of March Federal Street was deserted the place was a ghost town and yet there parked on the street was Claire's car Siobhan saw it as she walked into eye of the needle this was Claire's favorite store maybe they would bump into each other and go to the Brotherhood for a Bailey but Claire was not in the store Siobhan stepped outside and called cla's cell phone and it went straight to voicemail instinctively Shon knew that Claire was at the Nantucket children office on Union Street she just knew it why not go and see for herself and end the questions once and for all Siobhan felt like Nancy Drew girl sleuth she felt like Angela [ __ ] Lansbury Siobhan scooted down Federal Street charged with an energy it was hard to describe she was going to catch her best friend at what Siobhan saw Claire tripping down the front steps of the church Siobhan checked her watch 4:30 Mass was at 5: but Claire was leaving the church not going into it and every good Catholic knew there were only three reasons to go to church in the middle of the afternoon wedding funeral confession Siobhan didn't see a bride and groom nor did she see a hearse Claire Clare whipped around guilty caught hey she said weakly Siobhan glanced pointedly at the church what are you doing CLA said what are you doing God town is dead were you at confession Siobhan asked Clare looked behind her at the church as though surprised to find it there yeah she said I was you know I try to get JD and Odie to go but they won't so I figure lead by example or whatever a little repenting never hurt anyone Claire was the easiest person in the world to read now she had two hot spots on her cheeks Siobhan girl sluth had another clue although she had been raised in County Cork and Claire had been raised in godforsaken coastal New Jersey their Catholicism was the same Siobhan hadn't been to confession since she was 12 years old and she knew CLA hadn't either it would have to be a pretty big sin to send her there I'm out shopping Siobhan said do you want to go somewhere and get a drink do you want to talk no clar said I can't just one drink come on I feel like I never see you anymore I have to get home Claire said Jason the kids dinner you know what my life is like Siobhan nodded they kissed and Claire boogied for her car Siobhan headed around the corner ostensibly to check for something pretty at Erica Wilson but she really just moved out of sight so she could catch her breath from the shock Claire at confession you know what my life is like but did she there was a song the kids liked about having a bad day and when it came on the radio Claire was required to turn up the volume and the three older children sang along while Zach cried Claire hated the song it taunted her the spring a season of rebirth and New Hope was turning out to be a disaster for her she had one bad day after another after another take for example what was going on in the hot shop for months she had been trying to get started on the pulled Taffy chandelier for the Gayla auction but it was all false starts and wasted time she blew out a beautiful Globe which was to be the center of the chandelier the body it was colored a transcendental pink the most lus pink Claire had ever achieved because of the painstaking way she had crushed the frit with a mortar and pestle the globe was perfect it was platonic it was as thin and wondrous as the bubbles she was back on track hitting her stride but then the perfect platonic Globe shattered in the annealer and when Claire saw this she cried for 3 days she cried with Jason she cried ride with lock both of them pretended to get it but they didn't get it not really and she was vexed because they both ultimately expressed the same sentiment it's okay you'll do another one and the second one will be even better they used the same tone of voice they were in those moments the same man disturbing Claire tried to explain that it wasn't just the globe that was broken it was her confidence and her will she did however try again and the result was probably just as good lacking only the luster of perfection that the first Globe had acquired in Claire's mind toward this second Globe she acted like an overprotective mother when it was cool she set it gingerly in a crate filled with straw and from time to time she revered it like it was Baby Jesus lying in his manger with the body of the Shand chier finished she moved on to the arms the arms of the chandelier had to Arch and curve they would have the same pull Taffy nature as the Candlestick she had made so long ago for Mr Fred bull rush all that twisty colored glass but they had to fall like tendrils from the globe they had to drip that meant Claire had to pull each arm by hand and get it to curve and bend just the right way twisting it at at the same time it was impossible it was beyond her like certain positions in yoga she couldn't make the glass do what she wanted it to do she tried 60 times to get one graceful arabesc arm and when she finally had it the one arm she wept some more because she could see how incredible the chandelier would be if she ever finished it but she wasn't sure she had the patience to make seven more arms in fact Claire pulled another arm beautifully within her next 10 tries but because she was working by hand and not with a mold this second arm did not correspond with the first the angle of the curve was too sharp if she attached these two arms to the globe now one arm would look broken More Tears lock said there was no guaranteeing that it was going to come easily in fact one of the reasons this piece is so valuable is that it is so difficult we're paying for your Blood Sweat and Tears Claire nearly swore at him this was a piece for an auction it was a donation and it was consuming all of her time it had been a mistake to return to the hot shop she had lost her touch the chandelier was beyond her and yet it was the only thing she wanted to do so there you had it she had set herself an unattainable goal and all it brought her was frustration and heartbreak Jason was right she should have let him bomb the hot shop or shoot it full of arrows burn it down put Darth Vader into gear and run it over Claire placed the globe for the chandelier and the one Peerless arm in the crate and set them on top of her filing cabinet at out of the way she would think about the chandelier later the best thing to do when the glass wasn't cooperating her instructors used to tell her was to walk away take a break Claire took odily and Shay to get haircuts and then as a super duper special treat manicures Claire got a manicure herself but the mere sight of her hands reminded her of the chandelier and she left the salon with two giggling girls and a heavy heart the chandelier called out to her it haunted her it was a baby she'd abandoned in a dumpster screaming for her talk about waking nightmares Claire managed to make it through dinner but after the kids were asleep she went back into the hot shop and fashioned a tiny bell-shaped cup onto the end of the one and only arm this was where the bulb would go it was sweet and precious this tiny cup like the Blossom of a lily of the valley Claire felt good about the project for about 5 minutes then she started in on another arm 47 tries later she was in tears again she climbed into bed next to Jason who woke up momentarily and said Jesus Claire just forget about it you're making yourself crazy two is a French at NYC . rr.com from CDC nantucket.net sent March 27th 2008 1:32 a.m. subject auction item Isabelle I am having a very hard time producing an item for the auction I plan to make a chandelier which I thought would be a real winner but it isn't turning out as I had hoped I know it's late in the game as far as these things go but I wondered if you might be able to scare up another auction item perhaps we should revisit the singing lessons or LGE seats to South Pacific followed by a meet and greet with Kristen chenowth with everything I have on my plate right now the idea of having to produce this piece of art is bone crushing it's keeping me up at night as you can see I am writing this email at 1: in the morning I am losing sleep will you please help me explore other options thanks Claire to CDC nantucket.net from Isa French nyc.rr.com sent March 28th 2008 7:32 a.m. subject auction item dear Claire I have the fullest confidence that you will create a breathtaking piece for our auction the sentiments of the committee during our initial meeting are ones that I share you are an Island artistic treasure and having your Masterpiece to auction is a coup for nantucket's children indeed dinner with Kristen although a fabulous idea might have been an option for us back in October but by now she has donated away all her time for the next calendar year I really do think we will have to stay our course with your magnificent peace thanks Isabelle to is a French at nc.rr.com from CDC nantucket.net sent March 28 2008 9:12 a.m. subject auction item what about the G5 to CDC nantucket.net from Isa French nc.rr.com sent March 28th 2008 9:13 a.m. subject auction item what about it to is a French at nyc.rr.com from CDC nantucket.net sent March 28th 2008 9:35 a.m. subject auction item the roundtrip flight anywhere the cocktail party on board I thought that was the best idea of all is it still available to CDC nantucket.net from Isa French at yc. rr.com sent March 28th 2008 9:37 a.m. subject auction item no Claire should abandon it declare it Beyond her reach they still had four months until the Gaya they should certainly be able to come up with another option Claire was positive that Isabelle was insisting on the chandelier as a means of Revenge the thing would sap Claire's energy and steal her time and then then to cap it all off no one would bid on it except for lock and Claire would look like indeed be a failure abandon it it was giving her one bad day after another her frustration with the chandelier was creeping into the rest of her life she was late for pickup two days in a row and she missed most of JD's first Little League game some part of Claire felt she deserved the torment the chandelier was causing her she deserved it because she was a liar and a cheater she was having an affair with Lo Dixon she wondered if after a certain amount of time passed the intensity of her feelings for Lo would fade would the sparkle wear off would he seem familiar would she begin to notice the 20 lbs he had to lose or the shiny bald spot on top top of his head or the words he routinely used to show off pernicious occult no every day every meeting lock Dixon seemed more amazing to CLA more mysterious and unattainable and therefore desirable than ever she was in love with him and it was making her miserable when she couldn't be with him which was nearly all the time she was a hostage to her longing she couldn't enjoy anyone else not her kids not Siobhan not Jason she counted hours minutes she rearranged her schedule she skipped things blew them off so she could spend one more Bittersweet hour with lock one night Claire and lock sat at the table in the conference room holding hands they were naming the things they would do if they were free in the world together play cards fly to Spain where in Spain ibisa take you shopping watch you try on clothes eat Big Macs go to the movies ride a ferris wheel climb the Eiffel Tower climb Mount Everest no scratch that too hard go fishing in iiza build a campfire roast Marsh mows see a concert Who tough decision anyone past or present Frank Sinatra love it my turn share the Sunday paper you can have the business section stand in line together at the post office we could do that now if you wanted to but I would have to be holding you from behind with my chin resting on top of your head oh your turn what else sleep in the same bed just once one night they were both quiet after she said that it was a fun game and funny but demoralizing too all the things they wanted to do together but couldn't the simplest things stand in line at the post office share a pew at church shop for a new watch pick out a video as they sat in silence their hands squeezing stroking squeezing again don't let me go Claire wondered how bad her life would be if she left Jason and married lock she wondered this all the time and the answer was bad very bad the kids would hate her they would side with Jason their lives would become a mess that even therapy couldn't straighten out CLA would lose all her friends including Siobhan she would lose her position in the community and she was certain that Lo once he was married to her would become disenchanted still she wondered because it was on nights like these nights when instead of frantically making love they talked and floated around in their fantasies that Claire didn't think she could stand it another day she was in love with the man she wanted to be with him Claire was at Hatches the liquor store on a Saturday afternoon of cold and driving rain Jason had the kids at home and Claire wanted out just for a few minutes the weekends were murder A Wasteland of no lock of Claire's trying at home trying to cook something nice trying to be engaged engaged in Family Life want to play part cheesy Mom okay sure she could do that it would be fun they played five games with Zach whimpering and stuffing the colored pegs in his mouth Jason sat right there alongside them watching a bowling tournament on TV is there any beer he asked Claire checked the fridge they were out of beer instead of telling Jason sorry honey no instead of yelling or taking the moral High Ground because she had just spent 2 hours entertaining the kids while he moldered in their midst she saw this as her opportunity before he could protest she snapped up the car keys liquor store she said be right back she stood in front of the towers of white wine with a bottle of vonier in her hands hatches was busy a rabbit Warren of activity wet people buying cigarettes scratch tickets snack food the newspaper beer wine champagne vodka Jin Scotch quvo gold whatever helped them through the door had a lovely little bell that rang every time someone went in or out Claire didn't want to leave the store she didn't want to go back to her house she was a woman in a movie a character from a Bruce Springstein song she went out for a bottle of expensive French wine and never went back cla a voice said is that you Clare swiveled a person in a green raincoat holding a dripping berbery umbrella a woman familiar but there was a split second when CLA was styed who then the medicine ball to the stomach Daphne hi Clare said like a maniac Daphne took the very same bottle of vion that Clare held in her hands off the shelf Clare was suffused with heartache and then fear and then heartache again Daphne was picking up Lock's wine or their wine together wine for an afternoon by the fire wine for whatever dinner plans they had tonight out in which would be better which would be worse Claire shifted her own bottle of Yon behind her back but this movement must have seemed furtive because it drew Daphne's attention you drink vion she asked all the time Clare wanted to say it's my favorite varietal but this was out of the question Claire gazed at the wine bottle in her hands I just picked this up she said I don't really know what it is davney stared at Clare for a second was she suspicious would she know that CLA and lock Drank vonier in the office all the time or was she simply stunned by cla's ignorance how are you Daphne said how's everything going with the Gayla planning trick question you never knew with Daphne fine Claire said she sounded very nonchalant to her own ears disinterested even things are falling into place bit by bit I'm glad for that Daphne said I finally convinced lock to get away Clare nodded what was Daphney talking about get away from her or what Claire was confused but she kept right on nodding whatever you say Daphney you bet we're going to torola a week from Friday Daphne said torola it's one of the British Virgin Islands oh right CLA said I know what it is I just didn't realize she couldn't continue we're going for a week with Heather Claire said what must her face look like she was as far as she could tell still upright though her legs were threatening to buckle the wine was dangling from her hand like a club is it her spring break we're going alone Daphney said just the two of us it's time we need it we'll go see Heather first for the weekend then we'll fly out of Logan to the Caribbean we're staying at this Ultra Chic new place called it sounds fabulous CLA said then realized Daphne wasn't finished but no matter Claire was finished finished when she got into her car she would decide if she should cry or vomit but she couldn't do either right now I'm surprised lock didn't mention it to you Daphne said he is so anxious to get away the vacation is all he talks about well with this weather Clare said who can blame him exactly Daphne said and what about you her nose wrinkled and CLA wondered if she was about to make another nasty comment about CLA in the shower well if she did Clare would smack the nose right off her face okay this was bad a bad thought a Bad series of thoughts a bad bad situation facing her Lover's wife in the liquor store both of them buying the same bottle of wine Lock's favorite [ __ ] wine and then the news of the vacation unspeakably bad what about me Claire asked are you going away Daphne asked she took a stab Disney no Claire said not this year that's too bad Daphne said I suppose it's hard with the kids hard Claire agreed she widened her eyes as if remembering something I have to get Jason some beer she said that's what I came for oh Daphne said she seemed disappointed at cla's Retreat okay well enjoy the vion thanks Clare said backing away enjoyed torola Claire's emotions were so complicated she didn't even know where to start lock was going to torola with Daphne alone for a week it's time we need it and he hadn't even bothered to tell her himself she had to hear it from Daphne this was awful this was the low point every minute of every hour since CLA had returned home from the liquor store she had chastised herself one of the rules of having an affair was that you weren't allowed to feel this kind of jealousy Claire could not be jealous of Daphne Daphne was Lock's wife she had legal ownership the history the name the home the child of course he would go on vacation with Daphne how could Claire protest she could not agreeing to an affair meant agreeing to a relationship without claims she had no rights to him that she should feel utterly betrayed was backward it was Daphne who should feel betrayed but Daphne would spend a week with lock alone at some Ultra Chic new resort they would be making love on a wide soft bed not on top of a conference table it was horrible to contemplate Lo and Daphne together romantically sexually but what a hypocrite she was she slept every night next to Jason she made love to him she even had orgasms but it was not attended with the same heartbreaking desire that she felt for lock what she experienced with Jason was exercise it was fondly going through the motions it was empty she and lo had talked about this carefully they had agreed they would both be happier together sharing the paper eating Big Macs fishing in Ibiza the happiness brought about simply by talking about these things was impossible to conjure now torola just the two of us we need it Claire's phone rang on Monday morning at 8:15 she was in the car on her way home from dropping the kids off at school she checked the display lock she threw the phone as hard as she could at the passenger door the phone broke into its component parts Zach started to cry finished in the driveway CLA put her phone back together with Trembling Hands it rang again lock again she ignored it she handed Zack off to pan and went about the tasks of her day finished the calls came every hour CLA lasted until 4:00 pan watched the kids Claire took her phone out to the hot shop she didn't bother with hello why didn't you tell me earlier I was afraid afraid of what that you'd be angry any idea how grossly humiliating it was to hear it from Daphne I was horrified I would have called you Saturday if I could have you should have told me yourself back whenever it was that you made the plans a month ago two months I am so sorry Claire I am prostrate at your feet are you yes God yes I love you you just tell me why because you didn't think I could handle it no I knew you could handle it but I didn't think you'd like it you're right Claire said I don't like it it's not fair but I don't like it I know he said softly I don't want you to like it so you're trying to make me jealous then is that why you're going no he said I'm going because dapne wants to get away someplace warm and I can't blame her and I have guilt Claire and one of the ways to assuage my guilt is to throw Daphne a bone and torola is that bone couldn't you have bought her something a diamond ring she wanted to get away well that was something Claire understood the island was frigid gray rainy and miserable without a single sign of spring except exep for a few Hardy crocuses maybe Claire and Jason should go away they could W up lock and Daphne and go to Venezuela or B but Jason would never agree to it he didn't even like to go to hyanis okay Claire said I understand do you did she no yes she said she understood but that didn't mean she wasn't filled with jealousy Fury and longing Lo had promised he would stay in touch by email but after checking her email 15 times in the first 4 hours of his absence Claire gave up she didn't have time to Pine after someone like this she didn't have time to go into her home office log on to the computer punch in her secret password and wait while the computer told her there were no new messages in her inbox she had to put her her heart in a crate of straw along with the newborn chandelier she had to tuck it away in the storage closet until lock came back she should take advantage of this time apart and use it to spend time with her children Zach was turning one her baby Zach had made some progress instead of sitting like a potted plant before crying to be picked up he scooted forward on his butt if he really wanted something CLA threw a small party for his birthday Siobhan and Carter and the boys came over and Claire made spaghetti and homemade meatballs and a beautiful salad and golden crispy garlic bread she went to Great pains to make a cake that looked like a giraffe because although Zach couldn't say the word giraffe it was the one animal he was able to identify when CLA asked where's the giraffe Zack he pointed right to it it was his favorite animal Claire made a template out of paper she cut the cakes just so she dyed the icing yellow and brown she placed gumdrops for the eyes it's a gorgeous cake Siobhan said must have taken you forever Claire said yeah it did but I found myself with some extra time this week Siobhan stared at her and Claire busied herself with the salad dressing the birthday dinner dinner was a success Claire decided despite the fact that Zach cried when they sang despite the fact that he was more interested in chewing the ring paper than in the presence inside Claire drank four glasses of the Blasted vion and it made her teary she had no idea if Lo remembered that it was Zach's birthday though back in the fall he had asked Claire to write all the kids birthdays down so he could memorize them Claire had not predicted how emotionally fraught Zach's birthday would be because contained within the celebration was the unspoken fact that they had almost lost him that he'd been born so early so unprepared for life outside the womb only 2B 7 oz he'd fit in Jason's Palm he wore a diaper the size of a cocktail napkin no one mentioned her fall in the hot shop or the jet ride to Boston or the five weeks in the hospital was Claire the only one who remembered she looked at Zach and thought I am so sorry buddy the party was lovely the food delicious the cake Charming Zach was fine Claire told herself he was whole and healthy and loved as CLA was clearing the dishes Siobhan who had consumed no small amount of wine herself wiped the lenses of her glasses on her dinner napkin and said guess who I caught going to confession last week Claire's heart went into a freef fall she said nothing Jason and Carter said who and sioban said Claire CLA set the dishes in the sink and turned on the Water full blast and hot Carter said got something on your conscience CLA Siobhan said something big I'd say steam Rose from the sink Jason said hey n leave her alone you know Claire always stopping her car so the guinea hens can cross instead of running them off the road like the rest of us do she's as pure as the driven snow they all laughed at that and the matter was forgotten when at the end of the night Claire kissed Siobhan goodbye Siobhan tasted bitter like antiseptic and even later when Jason came to bed he stroked Claire's hip and said I understand about the confession we're lucky to have him you know we're lucky the little guy's alive the next morning Claire took Zack to Dr Patel's office for his 12-month shots Clare had checked her email nothing and she checked her cell phone every 20 minutes for a text message surely Lo could send a text message Zach was gaining weight he was getting taller and his eyes looked good as did his ears nose and throat his lungs were clear his reflexes automatic he screamed during the shots yowled so that Clare tensed every muscle in her body but then she held him and gave him his pacifier and he calmed down Gita Patel smiled at CLA and said he looks great you have any concerns I look at him Claire said and I feel something isn't right something like what Dr Patel said like he's not developing fast enough he can't walk he doesn't crawl on his hands and knees he cries all the time he doesn't have any words he isn't active or engaged like my other kids were Dr Patel put a finger out Zach grabbed it she held his hands and he took a few steps down the examining table she tickled his feet and he smiled then started crying see Claire said he's fine Claire Dr Patel said he was so little when he was born Claire said he was intubated for so long I shouldn't have been in the hot shop it was irresponsible she picked Zack up and hugged him I feel so guilty he's fine Claire he's going to be fine kids develop at different rates even siblings okay if I had any doubts I would tell you but I don't you're sure I'm sure Dr Patel put her hand on Claire's arm and this gesture and the words were so comforting that CLA nearly said I have a lover Lo Dixon and he's in torola with his wife wife I miss him I need him father Dominic says I have to stop but it's beyond me sometimes I can't believe this is really me because I am not like this I'm a good person or I always had been until this thing can you help me thank you Claire said bad day followed bad day lock was away still away how was he feeling all those hours with Daphne Claire thought of Daphne breasts spilling out of her bathing suit swimming in a pool with an infinity edge while some cute British Butler brought her a Planter's Punch Clare considered emailing lock and telling him about the visit with Dr Patel he would be interested in this he would be happy to hear Claire repeat Dr Patel's words but no she would not contact him first he had yet to send her a single email maale so if he was wondering how things were going let him Wonder sioban called to say that Carter had had an unexpected windfall and to celebrate they were throwing a drinks party martinis and munchie Saturday night this raised cla's Spirits lock was with Daphne and torola but Clare had a wild rolicking party to attend she would get perniciously drunk Claire was all keyed up for Saturday night Carter and Siobhan threw the best parties on the island and all of cla's friends would be there the people in her Foxhole she looked in her closet for something to wear she yearned for something new although she never had time to shop she put on jeans and a jade green cashmere sweater and Pearls she tried not to think about lock as she got ready she drank a glass of wine and Jason drank a beer and they listened to Max West on the stereo in their room room Jason was wearing jeans and a black shirt and a black blazer and his cowboy boots his hair was damp and must and Claire ran her hands through it smoothing it he smelled good his face had a day or two of growth which was how she liked it scruffy and he had a tan from working outside it had been weeks since he'd come home wreaking of cigarette smoke she realized she should be grateful for that Jason was handsome he was sexy and she could see this and know it intellectually but it was hard to make herself feel anything do you want to fool around she asked thinking it must be a balmy night in torola and lock and Daphne would be on their way out to dinner ordering grilled lobster and conch fritters Jason glanced at his watch we don't really have time do we Clare blinked at him stunned in 15 years he had not turned away from even the slightest chance of getting lucky they had been late for all sorts of things because of Jason's libido they were famous for being late she Shrugged I guess not she touched his collar you look good tonight Jace you too he said Claire poured a second glass of wine into one of Zach's plastic cups and drank it on the way to Siobhan's house they took Jason's truck it was warm enough to crack the windows and Jason hummed along to the Almond Brothers on the radio Claire looked at his profile as familiar to her as her own face he was her husband they had built a family together a house together a life together and yet they had nothing in common anymore did they except their Mutual efforts to sustain what they had created they were alone out of the house together for the first time all week and they had nothing to say Claire could ask him about the job but he didn't want to talk about work she could revisit for the hundredth time the encouraging things that Dr Patel had said about Zach but the words lost their effect every time she repeated them she wanted to ask Jason why he had turned her down back in the bedroom was he angry with her had he noticed her foul mood of the past 10 days and connected it to Lock's absence did he know what was going on had he lost interest in her finally this week had his desire for her dried up was he consumed with stress about the house in W winet or about something else she was flabbergasted to find that she had no idea what he was thinking about does your back still hurt she asked a little he said did you take a painkiller three Advil right when I got home he was driving very fast as though anxious to get to the party to see his brother and smoke dope in the basement Claire wanted to get there too but she couldn't stand to frit her away this time alone if they didn't find each other right now their marriage would end this was an exaggeration it was a manifestation of Claire's own guilt and and stress and the two glasses of wine taking hold of her senses and the lingering sting of being turned down but she felt it deeply did they have any Common Ground what had they talked about when they first met when they were dating when they were married but had not yet had children they had been so focused on getting set up getting situated and organized for the rest of their lives that they had overlooked the fact that their relation ship was based on nothing well there was physical attraction a mutual love for the island a desire to raise a family but was that it shouldn't there be a shared passion for something else even if it was just for watching junkyard Wars Claire hated it she wanted to travel with the kids take them to Machu Picchu and to Egypt to see the pyramids but would that ever happen she wanted to read novels and see films and talk about important ideas Claire was reading a book of short stories by an Aboriginal writer that Lo had recommended but whenever she started explaining the book to Jason he glazed over she looked around the dark truck it was a mess coffee stained napkins sections of old newspaper CD cases from his prized Grateful Dead bootlegs fishing lures breath mints keys to God knows what a rubber duck with the beak chewed off which had been around since sheay was a baby the Anglers Club hat that had belonged to Jason's father Malcolm she picked up the Hat do you miss your dad she asked Jason closed his eyes for a split second you know I was just thinking about him today were you yeah it's so strange you asked me I was thinking about my 10th brother birthday and how he took me to play my first round of golf at San he had a winter membership that year and it was too cold to walk it so he spent 30 bucks on a cart and he brought along a thermos of coffee with Bailey or something in it that he let me sip from Jason swallowed it was special you know because he was showing me that I was growing up he shook his head it's like sex how many rounds of golf have I played but I'll always remember that first time I miss your dad too Claire said he was a great guy Jason said the greatest you know I want to do something like that for JD's birthday maybe I will see if I can take him for nine holes at sanity minus the Bailey CLA said right Jason said Claire relaxed in her seat she thought of Malcolm Crispen Jason and Carter's father a great old salty guy who worked for the water company for 40 years Who Loved golfing and fishing and Grilling big fat steaks and drinking red wine and smoking cigars on the deck of the Anglers Club Malcolm died of mouth cancer when JD was a baby but he'd given Claire a strand of pearls the ones she was now wearing for delivering the first Crispen grandchild Siobhan had been pregnant with Liam when Malcolm died and she'd never gotten over the fact that Malcolm hadn't lived to see Carter's children or that Claire had gotten the pearls but even Siobhan's resentment was born of the fact that they were all one clan the crispens those ties counted for something Jason pulled up in front of Carter and Siobhan's house there were cars lined up all the way down the street Claire drank down the rest of her wine Jason opened his door and climbed out Claire said Jason he peered in at her thank you for telling me that story she said about the golf with your dad it was nice he shook his head it's weird he said it's like you read my mind at that moment torola seemed very far away Claire felt better they went inside the party was lovely the living room was clean and cozy and lit only by votive candles people carried drinks in frosted glasses and jewel-like canipes there was conversation laughter the sexy strains of Barry White floating down from the in seiling speakers Siobhan was across the room where wearing something new something Slinky and pink that left one of her shoulders bare she was surrounded by people Claire tried to catch her eye but when she did Siobhan gave her a half wave that felt like a brush off Claire's good mood was like a basket of fruit balancing on her head it teetered precariously Claire poured herself a glass of wine and then another glass she talked to people she had seen only in passing since Christmas Julie Jackson Amy Trimble Delaney kit Phoebe Caldwell Heidi Fisk where have you been hiding yourself no not hiding CLA said emphatically just so busy Beyond busy now that I'm back at work how's the baby he must be getting so big so big she echoed he's doing great just had his first birthday he's nearly started crawling he's fine she drank she chatted she did not eat nearly enough though the food was to die for guacamole with fresh corn mini Asian crab cakes that were sweet with coconut milk scallops wrapped in bacon with horseradish sauce yum CLA said to sioban as Siobhan passed by with succulent Chinese ribs Siobhan gave cla a pointed look over the top of her square glasses Claire's good mood tumbled was Siobhan mad CLA thought back hadn't talked in 2 days Clare had left a message or maybe two which shoban hadn't answered this was unusual but Siobhan was busy she was throwing a party Claire threaded her way through the crowd until she spotted Siobhan offering a rib to Adam's Fisk Clare tapped Siobhan on the shoulder hey hey Siobhan said flatly what's wrong are you mad at me Siobhan nodded toward the hallway where it was dim and quiet Claire followed her heart scuttling what is it Claire said I spoke to Edward and you don't know no what he gave the catering job to someone else for the Gaya he did what he gave it to alab Genevie Genevie I can't believe it it gets better what because Edward wasn't even the one who told me I found out from Genevie herself I saw her at the farm market and you know her she couldn't keep herself from spilling it she was so happy she just had to tell me she got the catering job for the Net's children summer Gaya oh [ __ ] so I went home and I called Edward and he confirmed it he took their bid they came under by nearly $40 ahead oh [ __ ] you didn't know this I had no idea because I asked him if you knew and he said he sent you an email oh CLA said well he might have I haven't checked my email in a couple of days sioban took a step closer to CLA so that the edge of the platter of ribs nudged CLA in the stomach Siobhan's glass slipped down her nose and her face flushed pink Edward knows nothing about food and even less about wine you could serve him peanut butter on a seed or shingle and he'd say it was delicious or a glass of vintage lighter fluid why did you put him in charge of catering he volunteered and I thought he'd pick you I was sure of it but he didn't pick me did he oh Siobhan I'm sorry sorry you're sorry that's all you're going to say what else do you want me to say tell me and I'll say it you were wrong to put Edward in charge of catering it was a gross error in judgment on your part you were sure he'd picked me but if you had any common [ __ ] sense or better still if you had just asked me I would have pointed out that Edward has just been waiting all these years for a chance to screw me over for an opportunity to humiliate me the way he feels I humiliated him by breaking the engagement and marrying Carter otherwise why would he have picked geneveve she sucks her food tastes like [ __ ] she actually makes an appetizer using Fruit Loops and she hasn't timed an event correctly since she got into the business he picked her because he knows she's my rival he knows I detest her it would have been better if he had chosen some Fancy Pants New York cerer but jevie the reason she came $40 ahead under is that she hires her 16-year-old daughter and her daughter's friends to serve I am so sorry Claire said I was wrong to put Edward in charge don't just feed my words back to me Claire I find that very patronizing at the time at the meeting he was singing your Praises telling everyone how great you were and I thought it was a sure thing CLA reached out and touched Siobhan's arm but Siobhan pulled away suddenly and nearly dropped the platter of ribs CLA was pretty drunk she didn't seem to be handling this situation the right way but Siobhan might have been drunker you know what the worst part is Siobhan said her voice wavered and her eyes filled with tears you're different since you took this stupid job as co-chair CLA chrispen you're a different person I'm not different CLA said you lied to me about being at toy back at Christmas time sioban said her voice was now a furious whisper I saw you you nearly [ __ ] run me over and then you denied ever being there Claire scoffed though inside her discomfort bloomed she had been at tuppeny with lock they had been seeking a private spot and it had been startling to come across Siobhan so startling that Claire drove on convinced that she was mistaken what should I do she asked lock and he said deny it I can't believe you're taking me to task for something that happened back before Christmas Clare said I admit you were at toy Shon said admit that lock was in your car lock CLA said then a few weeks ago I see you at confession Siobhan leaned forward [ __ ] confession CLA what was that about I told you I do you take me for an idiot CLA there it was CLA thought Siobhan suspected something was going on but she had been left in the dark CLA hesitated thinking I should have told her before I should have picked a quiet time and place and told her how much less excruciating would the past few months have been if she'd had a repository for her thoughts her feelings the delicious and the evil The Confident and the insecure Claire should have told Siobhan about lock before but Claire couldn't tell her now because Siobhan would be furious perhaps fatally so that CLA hadn't confided in her from the beginning what she would say her Irish ey up what you didn't trust me and the truth would be out there between them stinking and obvious Claire didn't trust her she couldn't tell Siobhan now in the middle of the party maybe someday soon but no never Claire would never tell not even with Siobhan pushing her up against the wall as long as it was just CLA and lock contained in a Cell it was not real after they left each other it vanished it never was it could not be pointed to or proved there was no paper trail not one physical tangible object that implicated the two of them if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it does it make a noise no CLA decided as long as nobody knew it was safe if it stayed secret nobody would get hurt but somehow Siobhan had gotten hurt she knew that Claire had a new heart you are a different person ironic that Siobhan had noticed but not Jason and yet Siobhan was closer to Claire in nearly every way and CLA felt just as bad if not worse about betraying Siobhan how to keep herself from spilling this like the ribs all over the place I've been upset about Zach Claire said which was true his birthday brought it all back and then on the way here Jason and I were talking about Malcolm Siobhan snorted Malcolm she said ah yes she turned away with her tray of Ribs by the way nice pearls Claire was about to follow her and say what to make things right she couldn't guess when she saw something that rendered her temporarily speechless her husband and Julie Jackson coming down the stairs the stairs were lit with small votive candles on each end but as far as Claire knew that was just decoration and not an invitation to ascend the stairs as far as Claire knew the upstairs was dark and deserted except for Liam and Aiden who were sleeping Claire felt like she was going to vomit Julie Jackson was the most beautiful woman Claire knew she was touching Jason's arm leaning into him holding on to him she was wearing a short skirt and a pair of very high heels and she was having a hard time getting down the stairs Claire thought back to Jason's turning her down in the bedroom we don't really have time do we she thought of him racing over here in an unprecedented hurry what on Earth would Jason and Julie Jackson have been doing together alone in the dark upstairs Claire might have looked to Siobhan for a reality check but Siobhan had stormed off Claire drank what was left of her wine and approached Jason she knew her cheeks were pinking she felt like her face was going to explode her eyeballs felt like hot glass and her lips were stretched into a fake smile that made her teeth chatter Julie squeezed Jason's arm arm and ducked out toward the kitchen Jason said hey babe what were you doing upstairs Claire asked Jason laughed and took a swig of his beer you should see her face I asked you a question she could not believe the rage inside her while Siobhan had been raking her over scorching emotional coals her husband had been upstairs hiking Julie Jackson's skirt and bending her over in the guest bedroom there wasn't a doubt in Claire's mind she lowered her voice to a whisper you were [ __ ] her whoa Jason said his eyebrows shot up don't deny it Claire said the two of you were upstairs Alone Together I'm not stupid Jason Jason set his beer bottle down on the table behind him with a thud I was showing her the half Round trim detail in the master bedroom he said she and Brent are starting their audition and she asked to see it oh yeah I bet Claire said are you accusing me of cheating on you Jason said is that honestly what you're doing his voice was very loud and although they were separated from the rest of the Party by a wall the people going to and from the bathroom could see them and maybe hear them and Adams and Heidi Fisk were peering at them from the doorway of the living room making a scene at a party like this was a very bad idea everyone would be talking about it in the morning Jason grabbed Claire's arm Let's go ask Julie what we were doing upstairs come on right now so you can hear it for yourself let's go find her no Claire said God no the last thing she wanted was some kind of messy confrontation in the kitchen with everyone watching CLA would never be able to look Julie in the eye again you just just accused me of [ __ ] her Jason said after 15 years of being together 13 years of marriage and four kids at home you think I would desecrate all that by fooling around with one of your friends at a potty is that how little you think of me she's very pretty CLA said you're very pretty Jason was screaming now this has nothing to do with pretty this has to do with you accusing me this has to do with you not trusting me me Jason Crispen your husband do you honestly think I would cheat on you he was hot now hopping mad first her best friend now her husband why tonight what had she done wrong you didn't want to fool around at home Claire said we were going to be late Jason said and my back is killing me then you drove like a bat out of hell so you thought what that I couldn't wait to get here so I could take Julie Jackson upstairs well CLA said do you really think I'm having an affair Jason said do you really think I'm that kind of lowi that kind of stunk it's dark upstairs she said Pitch Black what was I supposed to think you think I'm a cheating scum like your father come on we're leaving no we're leaving I'll get our c Claire sat down on the bottom step and held her burning face in the other room the music was getting louder couples were probably dancing and Siobhan had probably popped the cork on a bottle of vintage moette but Claire and Jas and crisen were leaving Jason threw her pashmina at her here but Siobhan Siobhan would really be mad at her now for picking a fight at her party for leaving early let's go Jason said they marched out of the house slamming the door when they were on the sidewalk Carter stuck his head out jce man where you going my wife's dragging me home all already dude we still have food coming I'm grilling sirloin sorry man Jason said he climbed into the truck and clar climbed into the truck and they sat there cold and silent and seething Claire said you stay no Jason said fine then I'll stay no Jason said you can't tell me what to do she said You Don't Own Me she kicked her high heel at the glove box I hate this truck Jason said nothing and this infuriated her I think it is so stupid the way you've named this Darth Vader ever considered what an imbecile it makes you seem like to drive a truck named Darth Vader Jason deafly extracted the truck from their parallel parking place and gunned it for home Claire braced herself with one hand against the dash when they passed under a street light CLA saw Jason's face his mouth was a pinched line when they screeched into the driveway Jason yanked the keys from the ignition his eyes were filled with tears he said I call the truck Darth Vader because the kids like it they think it's funny Claire stared at him defiant she would not be a shrinking violet she would not Wilt but Jason in tears this was new this was awful this was something she had done she bowed her head Jason was not an imbecile he was not stupid small-minded backward or limited he was a man who liked to see his kid smile who liked to hear squeals of terrified Delight Shay when he read the trucks engine in a menacing way and Jason was not a cheater when Claire had seen Jason coming down the stairs with Julie Jackson she had thought I know what that means she had seen herself Claire was cheating Claire was lying Claire had had sex with Lo Dixon on the conference table in the nantucket's children boardroom she'd had sex with lock countless times in her own car the pilot which she now did not allow Jason to ride in Claire had projected her behavior onto Jason she had splattered it all over him like paint Claire was the skunk the following morning Claire woke up with the worst hangover of her life it wasn't just the alcohol although her head hammered with pain and her stomach squelched and she released foul gas that Jason certainly would have complained about had he been in bed but Jason's side of the bed was empty smooth it had never been slept in he had spent the night in the guest room which they had agreed never to do except in case of marital emergency because J D and Otti were both old enough to construe what this meant and neither Claire nor Jason wanted stories true or false about their sleeping Arrangements leaving the house so the fact that Jason had spent the night in the guest room indicated that matters were dire indeed Claire had insulted him she had called his love and his character into question and What offense was worse than that once they were inside the house and once pan had Slipped Away to her room Claire tried to explain that she had been upset by her conversation with Siobhan and she'd been drinking her fourth or fifth glass of wine and when she'd seen Jason and Julie coming down the stairs she jumped to conclusions she'd accused him yes but she was sorry and she begged him to take into consideration the circumstances the circumstances are Jason had said stumbling over his own soap box located 6 feet from the TV remote control in hand that you suck he turned the set on and began hunting for junkyard Wars Claire meanwhile got a glass of water for herself and said come to bed I'll make it up to you she was not used to fighting with Jason they had divided up their life into his territory and her territory they ruled peacefully side by side and their Common Ground the marriage rarely came up as a topic of conversation the way it had tonight tonight their marriage was the Gaza Strip but even so Claire was pretty sure she could win Jason over in the usual way no Jason saidou turning down sex again she said I'm sleeping in the guest room he said she had alienated her husband and she had alienated her best friend the first had happened suddenly the second had been taking place slowly over the course of 6 months Claire felt despicable her heart was pumping out black blood sludge sewage she could barely lift her head off the pillow or move her feet to the floor could she go back to 6:00 last night and start over could she go back to that lunch at the yacht club and politely decline say to lockheart Dixon thank you so much for thinking of me but I have to decline could she simply stay in bed all day as she used used to in college on any one of the mornings when she woke up full of hungover regret she had done six tequila Slammers hooked up with a frat boy from URI whose last name she didn't know and then stopped by Cumberland Farms at 2:00 in the morning and chowed two hot dogs with chili and onions but at least back in those days despite her regrettable behavior she could sleep now she heard Zach upstairs crying God only knew where the other kids were it was Sunday Pan's day off insult to injury Claire pulled on her yoga clothes brushed her teeth and climbed the stairs her head felt like a glass ball blown out too thin one that was sure to shatter in the annealer Zach was howling JD was on the computer in the hallway playing the god off or race car game he was obsessed with it Jason allowed it because the game wasn't violent wasn't violent but was so hypnotizing that JD didn't seem to hear his brother screaming in the other room do you not hear your poor brother CLA said what do you want me to do about it JD said he doesn't want me he wants you CLA felt like smacking him but JD was unconsciously mimicking his father it was Jason who spoke to Claire like she was his feeble-minded servant Jason who conveyed the Preposterous idea that CLA was the only person in the family responsible for Zach perhaps because she was the one who had almost killed him CLA peered into the guest room the bed was empty and made up have you seen daddy this morning Claire asked he went to work JD said work deadline he said right but it's Sunday day of rest JD did not see fit to respond to this he got sucked right back into to his game where are your sisters he did not answer this either Claire went into the baby's room and lifted Zach out of his crib he was red-faced and nearly inconsolable hiccupy hysterical he was the saddest baby Claire had ever seen and even after she picked him up he bellowed and struggled for breath perhaps because he sensed she was not really there oty came out of her bedroom wearing her night gown over her jeans there had been one inexplicable morning when she'd asked to wear this exact Ensemble to school come on down in a few minutes CLA said I'm going to make breakfast I'm not hungry OD announced doesn't matter Claire said you have to eat I'm not hungry because sheay threw up in her bed and the smell made me lose my appetite Shay threw up in bed no she didn't odily nodded her head at the closed bathroom door she's in there Claire put her ear to the door she heard Shay gagging and spitting she knocked Shay honey are you okay moaning and it's all over her bed odily said and there's some on the rug it smells disgusting okay Claire said thinking Jason working to spite her to punish her pan day off one kid screaming one kid puking two kids kids aggressively unhelpful hurting head heavy heart no best friend anymore and lover in torola it felt just though it felt right Claire thought of Father Dominic this was her Penance Claire jimmied open the door to the bathroom she rubbed Shay back while sheay expelled the contents of her stomach into the toilet and OT was correct it did smell disgusting it made Claire want to vomit herself all those many crab cakes churned in her stomach any idea what it was honey did you eat too much candy last night or too much greasy popcorn no sheay moaned no which made Claire fear it was a virus that would mow down the family she stripped sheay of her pajamas and put her naked teeth brushed into the bed in the guest room the guest room Lin were among Claire's most valuable possessions crisp white about 6,000 thread count embroidered with sage green thread around the edges there were 10 pillows on the bed including two foam slabs encased in European Shams that were emblazoned with the letter c the guest bed was an extravagance it was fit for a Turkish Pasha and sheay was so delighted to be allowed to snuggle naked beneath the fine smooth cotton and the green Chenille blanket and the fluffy down comforter that she seemed to perk up immediately either that or she was experiencing the imminent sense of Wellness One felt after vomiting CLA hoped prayed that sheay would not vomit on the sheets on the guest room nightstand was a glass pitcher and cup for water which Clare filled in the bathroom she set it down for Shay don't drink too much right away okay honey okay and if you feel sick you have to promise me you'll run to the bathroom I promise Claire looked at her daughter her red hair was damp and matted and her round cheeks were flushed pink only her slender torso and two toothpick but deceptively strong arms were visible above the bed's fluff sheay was a miracle Claire thought and her eyes filled with tears all of her children were Miracles especially the one whimpering in her arms I love you she told Shay I know that Shay said unaware of or unimpressed by Claire's gush of emotion can I watch TV yes there was a TV in the guest room hidden in a cabinet opposite the pencil post bed with so many amenities for guests it was amazing they didn't have more visitors the idea of four kids frightened men any off but Matthew would stay in this room in August Claire really did not want Shay to throw up on the million dooll sheets she went to the linen closet and pulled out a bucket placed it by Shea's bed just in case she said a note from Jason on the kitchen counter said working Claire poured herself coffee then a glass of water and she took three Advil it was a beautiful day outside Sunny Springtime they only got two or three days like this and they should be taking advantage of it picnic at greato a walk around Squam swamp something outside wholesome as a family she hugged Zach kissed his eyelids his nose I love you she said can I put you in your high chair please so I can get breakfast he clung to her he would not be sat down it was impossible to deal with frying bacon mixing up pancake batter or stirring chocolate powder into milk when she didn't have hands she poured JD and Odie bowls of cereal and then called upstairs for them to come down she tried to interest Zach in a banana but he just stared at it banana she said you eat it she took a bite then regretted it see Claire eyed the phone should she call Jason on his cell and try apologizing again should she call sioban it wasn't even 7:30 yet and unlike Claire's kids Liam and Aiden had been known to sleep until noon on the weekends so no she couldn't call Siobhan and what would she say when she did call should she promise to call Edward and deal with the catering issue she couldn't she had delegated the catering to Edward he and his committee had made a decision and now Claire's hands were tied the other more substantive issue rested like a boulder between them Claire hadn't told her about lock Clare wasn't going to tell her about lock CLA called up to JD and odily again she could hear the goddamn Doppler effect of the race car game but she knew they wouldn't come down and when they did come down and found Cold Cereal they would complain so forget it breakfast was a lost cause she slipped into the home office Zach heavy against her chest and switched on the computer computer she said pointing to the screen lock was due home in the morning finally finally there was no way he had expended the psychic energy on her that she had on him she was angry at herself but helpless too she couldn't control her thoughts and as had been demonstrated last night she could only marginally control her words and actions and they all LED back to him she opened her email there was the ill-fated message from Edward copied to Isabelle and Lauren van Al and the two women from New York who were also on the catering committee there was no email from Lock Claire squeezed Zach kissed his hair upstairs she heard sheay wretching she had never felt so lonely in all her life she fell asleep across her bed with Zach next to her which was she realized when she woke up a precious gift despite the fact that she had left the other three children one of them sick unparented she checked the clock it was nearly 10 there were no sounds from upstairs which alarmed her better she should hear the zooming of the god-forsaken race car game or sheay wretching if only to know the kids were still alive she poked her head into the kitchen everything was just as it had been Jason's infuriating note two uneaten bowls of Cheerios she tried to feed a few Cheerios to Zach who had resumed his position on her shoulder she was a pirate he was her squawking parrot but he clamped his mouth shut upstairs the computer was abandoned JD's room empty bed unmade pajamas in a pile on the floor floor instead of in the hamper and the girl's room empty and wreaking Claire had forgotten to strip the bed of the vomited upon sheets she the laundry Queen had forgotten the second most important thing after getting sheay situated now the room smelled sour and vile the odor made worse by the fact that the day was warm and the girls windows closed but first the children the door to the guest room was shut tight and there was no noise leaking from within not even the muted Babble Of The Cartoon Network Claire hated it and would only allow it in her weakest moments Claire eased the door open resolved that what she would find inside would not be to her liking and there she found sheay asleep upright against the unforgiving bolster of the sea pillows and at the foot of the bed oty and J D quietly drawing it was adorable really when was the last time Claire had seen the two of them doing quiet productive work together it had been years JD was sketching with a set of sharp pencils he was drawing houses he wanted to be an architect Odie was coloring with a set of special markers that Claire had ordered from a catalog when Claire entered the kids looked up and smiled shyly knowing that although they hadn't eaten a bite of breakfast there was no way she could be anything but happy with them they were doing creative work and keeping watch over their Sick Sister model children two more miracles or so Claire would have thought had her eyes not landed swiftly on od's special ordered from a catalog fuchsia marker which had the cap off and was bleeding ink in A Perfect Circle onto the precious white duvet cover the du vet cover was ruined it was such a stupid thing in comparison with everything else but it was the thing that made Claire's throat tighten it was the thing that nearly made her cry come down to breakfast she sniffled at 10:30 the phone rang