🅷🅾🆃 Malcolm & Eddie New Season 2024 🔥💥 S5 EP 06 🔥💥 Full Episodes

in fact every time I walked into that field I scored since when do offensive linemen score since they've been cheerleaders well when I played I really did score as in points I thought you said your mother wasn't sign to release for to let you play football she wouldn't but I forged it and had a pretty damn good football career under a different name what name did you use Bo Jack that was [Applause] me yie I'm worried about Nicollet why man she seems fine this is the worst day in my whole life wow I don't understand why it never worked out between you two you know her so well yeah all right nichette we know something's bothering you going to spit it out well the truth is I'm having a problem with Stanley woh hey Ed you want to sit this one out oh why I should have she's over me I'm over her that ship sail man ran into an iceberg people came right out the side the water rushed in man sharks came in behind just start Ying on them Ying on them man and what what about Stanley [ __ ] well things between us have been going so smooth I mean it's like we read each other's minds sometimes I even finish his sentences nette you finish everybody sentences I know I know anyway it's weird I know Stanley wants to ask me to marry him but for some reason he just can't get the words out he wants to marry you how you know well I'm a woman and women have a six sense about these things plus I saw a receipt from the jewelry store in his fanny pack you don't go through a man's fanny pack or his address book or his pockets or his wallet I remember one time this girl opened my mail uh Jenifer J oh man excuse me I believe we were talking about me anyway will you marry me was right on the tip of his tongue he even got down on one knee then he started pretending like he was looking for a contact lens I mean he doesn't even wear contact lenses I think he just lacks confidence the man is 7 ft tall can't he squeeze some confidence in there somewhere well he's very shy for his height maybe you too can help me you want us to make him shorter no I want you to make him more confident like you too only less obnoxious what's in it for us see that's what I meant by obnoxious you want a marry pror all right me and M going to make it happen cuz you ain't getting no younger and he ain't getting no shorter that's right so what the hell you waiting for you need to be sending out wedding invitations oh thank you both so much you going to make two people very happy the least we can do for you on Pro oh yeah him too I'm talking about me and my mom hey Stanley Eddie and I have noticed you've been seeing a lot of Nicolet lately what we want to know is what exactly are your intention yeah you going to make an honest woman out of him well please don't tell Nicolet I told you this but I've been thinking about proposer of course she has no idea oh yeah none whatsoever so what's stopping you I don't know I get as far as will you and then I can't seem to say m will you M see what I mean it sounds like all you need is a little confidence and that comes from within if you feel you're confident you are sh sounds easy enough but I just can't get the words out all right all right here's what we do I'll pretend I'm [ __ ] you ask me to marry you hey hey it's not a bad idea if you could propose to Eddie you can propose to anybody try all right down on one knee there you go there you go get down there we same height now mister all right I'm nicholet hi Stanley you want to ask me something I know you want to ask me something if you want to ask me something you better come right out there does this pants make me look too fat see my nail Ed how about pretending you're nickolet with laryngitis laryngitis it's all yours stand nicholette will you me will you m no you D I can't even give enough courage to ask Eddie to M you know what I mean and he ain't my type either yeah Stanley maybe the fact that you can't even say the word means you're not really ready to do the word no no no no I love her and I definitely want to m her proor you're hopeless and me and Mal going to have to think of something else and and we will don't worry we'll be with you every step of the way and your honeymoon you on your own bro she went through his fanny pack you know that sort of thing makes you sorry you got a fatty M what you doing telling him all Nicholas business no only that part of a business that I'm aware of oh don't worry about it Eddie I'm in the health care profession I respect people's privacy oh by the way ma here's some more of that ointment you ask me to reorder foot yeah Stanley what's up you got the message yeah I'm here but I don't have much time I was in the middle of a very important polican so what did you decide on the donut or the hose I went with the bear claw what do you guys want anyway nothing just want want to talk a little Sports you know getting nickolet off of your mind might be a good idea women can't live with [Music] them that's it can't live with hey Stan check out those two ladies over there you might as well cuz they seem to be checking you out nah Malcolm women don't check me out sometime they stare but I figur they was looking at my gun snub nose 22 hey Stan why don't you go over there man I think they want you to no I couldn't you can man I'm telling you confidence that's what it's all about you know what I'm saying you put the Mac in mac daddy man you think so I know so go get him I go to m oh those are Malcolm's waitresses gave the day off oh yeah it look different without of plate of food in each hand hey L gave the day off with pay so they can pretend like the inter and whatever Lieutenant Lurch over there has Cass say and when they get through with him he's going to think he's the most fascinating man in Kansas City he'll have no problem proposing to Nicollet and I won't have to buy them a wedding gift cuz I can always remind them I did this hey man check it out operation play boy is a success it's amazing that women can can fake it and make it seem so real we talking about laughing right absolutely what I'm sorry man but for the first time in my life I got a hint at what it feels like to be smooth and I like it I believe Eddie already mentioned this but what I was thinking I'm not quite ready to get tied down there's a whole world of women out there and they dig me and I'm afraid if I ask nickolette to marry me now I might hurt him if you don't ask Nicolette to marry you I'm going to hurt you no relax relax relax come up here with his little badge on relax nobody can force a man to get married if he doesn't want to at least I hope not man I ain't giving up when I met on somebody's life I met all the way pror Maus daddy you ain't the man that you think you are talking to me who else will I be talking to at this Angle now sit on down man y them two women and with laughing at your jok squeezing your out of shape arm me and Malcolm put them up to it sdy Hey Sydney would you tell Proctor that liking him and laughing at his jokes and squeezing his arm was all a setup it's true I played along I did exactly what they wanted me to do yeah see mackas at first when I got to know you and I found out how sweet and since you were I didn't have to fake it anymore I liked you for real really really yes and I'd love to go out sometime no stop pretending cuz you ain't going to get no raise you ain't get no extra money just forget about it girl stop fronting having Matt Stanley is payment and enough man she got mad game I'm going be SI no I think you're going to be dead once Nicollet finds this out so you are going to tell her great I think it's better coming from Friends listen thanks for everything Sydney and I have to jet now tell her Hey Sydney you're fired oh man how are we going to break this to niolet here's what we can do I'll give it a good news on how we boosted his confidence you tell her that he wants to see other women wow man nothing like a nap get those legs stroking it's nette let me in ah 7:30 already man I got to turn in now come on now we both let her down so we both have to tell her man I got strong ankles it's only two stories I'm going for it hey y'all I want y'all to see the dress I'm wearing to dinner tonight with Stanley what do you think I think a little more material and you'll have a cocktail napkin well I want to look better than I ever have I'm pretty sure Stanley's going to pop the question tonight it's a nice dress niggette you got any room in there for a box of Kleenex do you know what I was thinking I was thinking of naming our first two children Malcolm and Eddie well what if they're girls well then we'll get cats somebody in the house is going to be name Malcolm anded uh [ __ ] let me and Malcolm got something we want to tell you well well mostly Malcolm go ahead Mal okay um well what we did we did for your own good go ahead Ed 7:35 already wait wait wait wait wait a minute I know what time it is what I don't know is what the hell is going on uh Nicolet Stanley wants to play the field you better be talking about baseball you asked us to give him confidence and we did uh a little too good a job of it me he's so confident right now he wants to see other women not marry you I mean I I I know it's bad but damn that that that's confidence wait a minute let me get this straight just 24 hours ago a man I love and care about was about to ask me the most important question in my life he spends an hour with you two and now all of a sudden he wants to play the field Nicollet your retention and comprehension skills are excellent it was only an hour how could you do this to me how could you ruin my relationship with Stanley I don't believe this well maybe he's just going through a phase you know maybe he'll realize that going out with a different beautiful woman every night of the week isn't really that much fun or it it will be fun and he won't be able to afforded look you two have brainwashed my Stanley and you better un-brainwash him if I can't have romance neither will you cuz I'm going to make sure y'all don't have anything to romance with yeah get proed on the phone [Music] quick okay I'm here shut you out all right I better not be wearing this dress for nothing what's the big plan okay I've got a big plan trust me come take a seat now to begin nicholet I'm going to tell you a secret about men now this secret I'm going to tell you could get me drummed out of the male species so you have to promise me that you will not tell a soul that I'm sharing the secret with you well the only thing anybody needs to know about men is that they always want what they can't get oh you know about that okay well that's my plan okay see I got you a decoy boyfriend just for tonight to make Stanley jealous trust me this will make him pop the question I guarantee it all right I'm willing to give it a try but Stanley is quite a man so whoever you got here better be handsome intelligent funny sensitive wealthy and a sharp dresser well if he's that wealthy don't worry about the clothes I won't make a fuss where is he okay well keep in mind nicholet that Stanley is going to be here any minute and I didn't have a whole lot of time who'd you get Oto no no he's much much better than [Music] that call me David cuz Goliath's going down tonight why Z was busy nichette Eddie's perfect see you guys share a history Proctor will be more jealous of him than some tall good looking smart guy for your information men are very jealous of mechanics cuz we we know how to tune a woman up well here's a tip some of you mechanics shouldn't rev the engine until it's completely warm I don't know what you talking about if you had some gasoline in your engine we wouldn't have had that problem well if you were super instead of regular unlet I wouldn't be having this conversation with you hey Stanley Stanley hey man hey hey Malcolm here's that Phillips head screwdriver you absolutely positively had to have at 9:30 on on Monday night well yeah there's something really important I've got to unscrew oh hello niolet Stanley bror my man still smooth as ever I I better go no no I wouldn't hear of it come on over to the bar it's nice over here and you can see everything that's going on in the whole Pub Eddie if you want to make a man like Stanley jealous you should at least put your arm around me quote Shake Spear and possibly grow a foot or two you just relax woman I got this covered now [Music] D may I have this dance I thought you never asked man the Devil Rays in tample what was that all about huh I just can't imagine professional baseball in Tampa Bay yeah I don't like Devil legs either you let me leave well I always used to leave that's cuz you was leading me to the bedroom make proor jealous let me leave well now what are you doing I'm pulling you close like I always did but I never liked it what you talking about I always pulled you close and I never liked it well why didn't you say something cuz I didn't want to hurt your feelings well why you saying something now cuz it don't matter now N I guess it don't I'm glad we're friends M and I appreciate you helping me out all right take your head back and giggle like you're having a good time oh I can do that the Brewers are moving to the National leagues man that's going to be something right Stan uh Stan look at hanging all over damn those mechanics I agree it's disgusting so what are you going to do what can I do I lost her no no you have not lost her she's right there now if you want that woman you go fight for her Stanley you know you're right if I don't I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life There It Is by the way I think the Brewers are going to do fine in nationally go go go all nicholet I'm sorry I I made a terrible mistake mistake I I don't want to play the field I want you will you m Dam how would would you like to be my wife oh Stanley this comes in such a surprise I mean Eddie and I was just making plans for New Year's Eve 2000 and now this so sudden certain for me too but nicholette I can see in your eyes that Stanley's the man you in love with I know worry about hurting my feelings you know your happiness is all I care about make sure you pay for the check well how about it sugar what' you say oh Stanley I can't tell you how long I've been dreaming about this moment well 4 months 3 weeks and 2 days but that's neither here nor there at this point what you want I'm sure is an answer yeah and you deserve an answer and my answer is no no no yes will you make up your damn mind woman look Stanley it isn't that I don't love you but you know what just hit me thinking about my life and your life and what the hell you've been doing showing your muscles to other women look the past couple of days it just tells me that you're not ready for this kind of commitment and and I have to admit I might not be either look I think we need some Breathing Room both of us but nette Stanley is for the best this makes me love you even more you know what I don't blame you goodbye Stanley you're a good man good man didn't even pay the check you know gr Hill well you know things with us we've been going they've been if you really do want to damn look at me now I can't say it I can say it look Pro oh in the over 40 category only under 40 type performers I knew I liked you for a reason M I got to hand it to you your new woman is all that Eddie's right I can't find one thing wrong with her and you know I tried well if Helena passes the niolet test then she's definitely a cute oh believe that man you got a good thing going on there well thank you Ed and thank you for running the club tonight oh man don't mention it you go have a good time and don't do nothing I [Music] would you do things Dennis Rodman wouldn't do yeah he's a wab Be Love is definitely in the air M's got Helena I've got Ty and you've got hi Eddie you little side [Music] CH I don't know why the Clippers even bother to show up man you can get seats right next to the place on the bench [Applause] hi hey Cindy I'm Mindy oh well I took a shot there is your girlfriends hey what's up girls we were lonely y'all twins you always got somebody to talk to oh we were lonely for you mhm say that again we were lonely for you ah stereo excuse me uh brother Malcolm me and the ladies you know you know you you don't mind you know leaving you do know I was really looking forward to some peace and quiet tonight dude man why don't you hook up with Helena because she's having a girl's night out so you leaving you know roomie part of our Arrangement was that we don't spring this kind of thing on each other at the last minute take my credit card I'll be at the rich Carlton ordering lots of food see you later Mindy I'm Cindy yeah that was nice of Malcolm to leave it would have been nicer if he didn't have to and no no no what you want him to stay with us girl that's just freaky no I mean it would be nice if we had our own place the three of us yeah that's a great idea would your father allow that oh well why not you don't think he likes me much every time I come to pick y'all up stares at me real hard I think the man be happy his girls found a a good man what do you say let's go apartment hunting tomorrow yeah it sounds like a great idea but I don't know what I'd say Malcolm if we had our own place we could be together all the time I just found the words goodbye Malcolm I got to [Music] go this is fun Malcolm I really like being in the kitchen with you well maybe we should turn up the heat in another room h hungry for something other than food damn I thought I was being subtle you know I really hit the jackpot with you you are sweet funny sexy and you know how to cook well you know you're not so bad yourself you're smart you're beautiful you're sophisticated and you know a good man when you see one I've always wanted to have a relationship like this you know something me too maybe we should think about taking things to the next level um the next level sure why not uh you mean h marriage no that's the top level oh I mean living together living together oh yes yeah we like that level it's not too high it's not too low is just right yes yes living together but you know what would I say to Eddie I can't just push him out without talking to him so when are you going to talk to him I don't know timing's got to be right mm I me you know this is something we can't rush into tomorrow's good hell I can page him right now [Music] hey Ed check this out our Revenue has jumped 25% over the holidays well all right that uh Escape your family at Christmas campaign really paid off yeah and the pay toilet we installed in the ladies room is better than a slot machine you know ma'am we making enough money where we could uh get our own Apartments uh if we wanted to what not nothing just making conversation cuz uh you know you're right we could afford to live separately now if we wanted to sure you if we wanted to if we wanted to with you want to move out Helena wants to move in oh I didn't even know how to tell you oh same here man I I didn't want to just push you out oh no no you don't even have to man I'm going to grab a little place with Mindy and Cindy that way Helena can move right on in well it seems like it's a win-win situation oh in my case a win-win win situation oh you know Ed we've come to a fork in the road you know we we go our separate ways it's the end of an era you know well it's been a good four years man we've been through a lot together and hey it's not over it's just going to be different you know what Ma I wouldn't even be considering moving out if it wasn't a real thing but the love of two good women has changed me makes me want to be a a better man I guess I should finish unpacking my boxes no no no later we're busy you're right uh uh uh baby H you you missed oh I'm sorry yeah um uh no I mean the yogurt cup you missed you you did a shack oh I'll get it um when When what when are you going to you know pick up the yogurt cup on my next trip to the kitchen oh okay okay okay okay all right um when do you think that'll be what your next strip to the kitchen all right Malcolm what's the deal with the yogurt cup what it's just the idea of an empty yogurt container just laying on the floor like a a neon sign for ants and Vermin I don't see any ants or Vermin well not right now but the word is spreading and they're they're marshalling their forces pretty soon the hordes will descend upon us you can't be serious you are serious oh my God I'm living with Mr Clean don't be ridiculous Mr Clean is bald and white you know forget it let's forget about it no no no no no no wait wait wait we should discuss this you're not some kind of um neat freak are you what no no I am absolutely not a neat freak well I'm I'm a fan of neatness I'm a brother who appreciates a good neatness you calling me a sloppy Pig no no no no not not at all no woman no it's just um I I mean well you know when you take off your clothes right you just let them drop on the floor where they stay and until I pick them up oh really is there anything else well um since you initiated this little discussion hey don't you think that when a person is done with their ice cream they should remove the spoon and replace the lid before putting the ice cream back in the freezer well especially if they don't even bother to use a bowl all right Malcolm enough about me let's talk about you what was there to say about me why in the world would you put toothpaste in a Ziploc bag well isn't it obvious but not only does it keep the tube crust free but it also prolongs the shelf life of the dental product give up well I certainly hope that you don't expect me to clean that up okay but just this once Honeys I'm home move Cindy no you move ladies ladies ladies there's a reason why God gave me two cheeks oh my neck is killing me oh well what about your feet oh they've killing me too oh yeah that feels good it's good to be the king how was your meeting with the beer distributor I was good I don't want to bore you with the details oh tell us everything you could never be boring Eddie this is true you know I told the beard distributor we needed four extra cases of light beard as week and then what happened he said cool well after a long hard day like that you must be starving oh yeah what's for dinner how about a nice steak M Yeah Eddie all that red meat isn't good for you I'll cook you a lobster M oh he's having steak he's having Lobster ladies ladies ladies look Eddie doesn't want that fishy slimy thing well it's better than that dried up mad cow meat ladies ladies calm down look what what we do we'll have both a little surf and turf a Eddie will you take us to the movies tonight sure baby sure no I want to go dancing you're a terrible dancer everybody thinks you're having a seizure you take that back I will not hey hey ladies hey hey look look let's just stay home you know I am burnt out from the two of you taking turns on me last night turns h mhm I was alone all night you selfish brat no no no no Mindy calm down why do you always take her side because I'm prettier hey girls oh you think she's prettier look at the size of her teeth they look like a row of garage doors well you have thick ankles and a fat ass hey that that that that is not a bad thing S I do not have aad hey how's life with the twins good and and good her those things with you in Helen Oh Heaven Pure Heaven really no man I'm in hell can't be i' have seen you down there arena is a terrible slob hey the apartment is a wreck I'm trying to get the governor to declare it a disaster area come looks like we got to fix it how it's done we're trapped oh we're not trapped We're Men When a man has a problem he fixes it hell no he walks away [Music] Helena I need to speak to you please I need to speak to you too Malcolm what what are you doing with those suitcases leaving our living together is not working out you can't say that to me why not cuz I was going to say the same thing to you whatever the point is we just don't get along I had no idea that you were so uptight I am not uptight well the clinical term is anal retentive Malcolm You' got some issues that you need to work out I've got issues you constantly eating bed so so there are some places I don't want a tater tot stuck goodbye kn [Music] good y'all both here we need to talk uh we have something to discuss with you too uhhuh I don't think our little living arrangements working out uh we agree you know what I'm saying it's about time to make some changes around here yes you've got to go yeah I got to I know you just didn't say I got to go well sorry Eddie but Cindy and I never ever used to fight until you moved in with us that's cuz y didn't have nothing worth fighting over don't be bitter Eddie let's just make a clean break y y'all y'all pack my bags oh yeah y'all throwing me out ah oh oh y y'all tripping oh that's all right though you know what I'm saying cuz you ain't going I'm the best thing ever happened to you too you know what I'm saying but I'm Gone Baby Eddie Sherman has left the bill and don't come crawling back cuz I'm done with you and you and another thing that's what you going to be missing hey Doug what's taking so long on my drink oh sorry Eddie I wrenched my back when I helped you move home oh my bad take tomorrow off tomorrow is my day off see everybody wins on Malcolm look I know there's more to this story dis yeah inquiring minds want to know guys there's nothing else to tell Helena was a slob and we parted friends but that's not what she told us hey mad may join me in a toast what are we toasting to Malcolm and Edy together again oo and swingle baby [Music] yeah oh excuse me I'm about to meet my next exgirlfriend you'd think that I would learn from my friend's mistake but you'd be wrong let's talk about you well you know why in the world would you put two cuz you're drunk that's why you're just drunk I'm tired of your drinking I'm just TR can't take it anymore not the best thing ever happened to YouTu you know it you know what I'm saying but it's cool cuz I'm gone EDD Griffin left show this gets better every year D oh it sure does I don't know who's in charge of it all the the planning the presentation the overall feel but this year the spokes models were all 10 I got those with Bill's phone numbering it a dinner next year show in Memphis look at us man two young men out and about in the world we own our own businesses we're healthy we're strong we still can't get these little bags of peanuts open you go ahead and clog your arteries if you want to but as much as I love salt roasted peanuts I'm passing on mine and you know why you make the little sacrifices now it all pays off in your golden years w w ladies and gentlemen we're experiencing a drop in cabin pressure Place The Masks over your nose and mouth and continue to breathe normally well this is bad this is real bad I I should have had my peanut ain't good I tell you that okay just hit a little air pocket there everything looks honky Dory all the way into Kansas City man next year we take the bus about 10 ft off the ground I a seat Bel rush into the cockpit and take over the controls my damn self say everybody on the aircraft including the little children in school bus we almost hit okay well allowing for the ESF the Eddie Sherman exaggeration factor which is also known as the esbs I'd say you HD an air pocket lost a little altitude but then leveled off exactly it wasn't my version a lot more fun hey but Eddie you're keeping me in suspense were you ever able to get the peanuts open peanuts no peanuts exaggerate telling the truth what difference does any of it make why are any of us even here well the ancient Minds believe we're not we're just manifestations of each other's perceived reality could be but how do you explain body oder does anything have meaning anymore not from where I sit well you need to grab another seat life is good man life is great you know I don't exactly like the idea of women rest in IND ba but other than that snap out of it I know exactly what's going on here twoo typical but opposing reactions to near-death experiences see Eddie he feels like he's just climbed Mount Everest and Malcolm he feels like he just fell off it you know that's a good idea I got a long weekend coming up I'm scaling Evers nor face why do we even have faces we wash them we shave them but they just get dirty again and their hair grows back okay you need a little help you know I have something right here in my purse that will do that my all on this is a little more serious than PMS learning to let go in bed oh no um I uh I bought this uh for a friend of mine here Dr Mira Shakra seven steps to spiritual Wellness now I go with the one she had for a friend wait a minute I've heard of this person she's an East Indian spiritual leader who councils world leaders movie stars corporate x and Buddy the president's dog yes Dr sharer lives on a higher plane and I hear owns two of her own plus three homes a chain of fast food restaurants and a percentage of the Denver Nuggets yeah she does make a lot of money but that's not nor has it ever been Dr shaka's goal no she points out that material wealth is just a byproduct of spiritual Harmony well forget spiritual Harmony she owns a piece of the Nugget she needs to get a seven step program to a first round draft choice I'll listen to this but in 100 years we're all going to die anyway perfect timing it's happy hour [Music] one M ma ma yeah you still breathing what are you doing I was about to ask you you haven't moved from this spot since last night yeah actually I have and Simone was right about Dr Shaka she raised me out of the Abyss so the old m comes back no a new one stands before you deeper wiser and a little Oiler and you can at least take a show you got to listen to this see this tape explains why everything is the way it is you see it's all about Destiny our plane almost crashed for a reason yeah they told us some pigeons flew into the propell no I mean a higher reason you see I had to be brought to a place where I questioned my existence so I would listen to Simone of all people when she gave me Dr Shaker's tape this tape has the answer to everything all right off the top of my head how come cats can't talk is it that they can't talk or you just don't know how to listen sleep deprivation that's what this is no Mak me feel great I have never felt more alert in my life go ahead ask me another one all right a friend of mine's got two tons of scrap metal he wants to unload what does Dr Shakra have to say about that one man scrap metal is another man's gold mine you know I liked you a lot better when you were suicidal Simone Simone you were right no no Dr shakas tap oh to change my life when she said don't just look at the surface search for the deeper meaning it was like she was saying search for the deeper meaning Malcolm Malcolm I believe you you know Dr Shakra has always been so successful at getting through to narcissistic or egocentrics wait how many frying pan bottoms have I caught you primping in front of excuse me for your information I wasn't pring I was just asking myself what the hell am I doing here oh my God I forgot my eyeliner excuse me do you serve food at the bar wait a minute what' you say do you serve food at the bar I know your voice where have I heard your voice maybe just now when I asked you if you serve food at the bar I can't believe it no wait wait wait wait do me a favor say uh say uh search for a deeper meaning Malcolm I'm flattered you've been listening to one of my books on tape Malcolm Dr Shakra excuse you I'm sorry but I've been listening to your tape all night I wore that baby out Yuri you look at you so young so much wisdom so young oh I cannot believe this and Tall too are you sure you're you and if you are why are you here I think I mentioned it to find out if you serve food at this bar mhm my own car expenses paid my own office man the only thing you ain't offered is season season tickets to the Steelers Steve I'm going to have to reconsider your offer uh can you run that salary number by me one more time I want that to be the last thing I hear before I hang up oh yeah ghost dealers Ed who's the last person you would expect to walk through this door President Clinton's lawyer he's busy right now I would like for you to meet the Dr mirror Shakra in person hey baby how you doing baby I'm fine baby years of meditation have taught me to tune out the unpleasant this is the woman you was listening to on the tape all night there you go hey man this is kind of strange you hallucinating somehow I'm part of it she just walked into my bar today well she didn't just walk in it was destiny it was Destiny I've written about it but I never really believed in it until today you know it we were in my bar talking for 6 hours 5 and a half of it weren't even about me I'm impressed talked about yourself for half an hour and she's still here which means Malcolm you still owe me 5 hours of your life story I'm going to go to my hotel check in in meet me there in an hour and we'll have dinner ah oh mirror I don't think I could do that you have other plans no I just don't think I can wait an hour hey I'm going to send her flowers and have them waiting at her hotel no no no just just send her a little teddy bear with dreads that way she'll knows you now this is cool man if you going to be ridiculous at least be ridiculous with the rich ones you see beginning with the tape I finally see my entire future falling into the place it could be you know that advice she gave me about the the scrap metal paid off big time today I called Steve smilk and Steve smk and scrap metal in Pittsburgh uh what and I bet he bought the scrap iron that your other friend was trying to unload see that's great have me the F no no let me finish Steve said no he don't want no more scrap metal but uh he did off of me a position as regional manager for three times what I'm making now and mirror made that happen isn't she amazing Ed she can do anything wait a minute if you accept this position does that mean you'll be moving uh probably so but I called Steve smer of Steve smer scrap metal in Pittsburgh and I told him I'd have to talk it over with my partner first well what's there to talk about I mean three times your salary I mean how the hell could you say no h you know I have to sell my half of the building you temporarily insane right now you want to buy me out I've got a better idea let's listen to what the universe is telling us let's sell the whole building remember the peanuts on the airplane I wish I would have eaten them when I thought I was going to die I I see your point we're all going to die well oh is that the universe's point a man you lost me it doesn't matter whose point it is it's the truth we need to eat our peanuts before it's too late I see the future red and you know what the future says grab Corner take here I'm with you bro you scaring the hell out of me but I'm with you so I guess you're wondering why Eddie and I gathered you all here today A couple days ago we put the building up for sale and today miraculously we not only found the buyer but we also finalized the deal Eddie's found an executive position in Pittsburgh I found the woman of my dreams and I want to see where that leads Eddie Sherman executive Thorn repair in Pittsburg wait wait woman of his dreams again wait wait who is it this time Dr sh as a matter of fact yes it is if you want me to pay my tab say so you guys really had us go in there for a moment oh wait a minute did you hear I'm the new place kicker for the Chicago Bears hey really can I get some free tickets hey these pants make my butt look small hey try again tomorrow hi Malcolm hey mirror what happened to your lecture in Omaha I cancelled Omaha you hold that thought right there hey Ed she cancelled the capital of Nebraska you mind a discreetly disappearing so we could be alone oh I can discreetly do a Casper but for the information level boy the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln mirror you know for a spiritual healer kind of 8 honey Club woman you look real good and red so I I'm flattered you cancelled Omaha for me no Malcolm I canceled Omaha for me remember on side B of my tape where I explained that repressing the natural inclinations of the Soul can lead to anxiety and ill health sort of I only listen to it 47 times we don't want to be unhealthy come here [Applause] [Music] you sure going to miss this place Malcolm it's kind of sad Ed yeah well here's to all the women why we toasting to all the women why not hey you know I wonder what kind of women I'm going to meet in Pittsburgh see as I'm in management now yeah this how you get to twist people instead of just twisting tools Ma I'm going to be ruthless let me tell you a little something as my friend if I ever offer you a good deal don't take it don't take it so uh you and miror going out tonight oh tonight for sure and I hope every night for the rest of my life and there's something about this woman that makes me want to stop running around for good this time braams guilty large bank account some women to try anything Malcolm hi Ed hey I'm not disturbing anything am I no not at all Ed was just leaving oh I know I know I'm in the way here unless uh mir's got a twin sister you know uh Vera andira something like that sorry it's just me H I gave it a shot well you in Pittsburgh honey look me up thank you Ed and if you ever want to attend a spiritual cleansing yeah right Mir guess what tomorrow I get my half of the check for the sale of the building so what do you say we blow an inappropriate Chunk on a little vacation Mal no no just just 2 or 3 days we'll spend the entire time ignoring the rest of the world Malcolm there's something I have to tell you that's going to change the way you feel about me Mir there's nothing you can say to make me change the way I feel there's someone else except that I'm sorry I've known Francis since graduate school I travel a lot but nothing's happened like this before until you you're just telling me this now you couldn't you have told me this before I lost my heart and liquidated my life I said I'm sorry before I knew what was happening I was caught up too do you love him what's love Malcolm what's love not thinking about anybody but the other person remember that putting the other person's happiness first look I don't know but what I do know it's something that can never happen with anybody named Francis I don't like myself for doing this to you but I have to go home and deal with things there write a letter use the phone 1 1800 call collect if I was the kind of person who could turn her back on a decent man like Francis you wouldn't care about me the way you do all right there there's a chance that you can have a long talk with Francis and and break it off there's a chance well there's a chance you could walk out that door and I'll never see you again I don't know I suppose anything is possible guess I should go yeah I guess so woo I can't hold my liquor sorry but we're closed sir hey off we go on the blue girly girl ah she had to leave man I'm excited about my new executive job man I know your life's clicking too man maam your life's clicking oh yeah yeah I was just uh just counting my blessings um out of curiosity how many you up to uh I don't know I lost track listen man you have a safe trip out there all right you stay strong make a lot of money uh ma we doing the right thing right you better go man hey oh you want to get the door ey I'm an executive now you're not executive until you get to Pittsburgh all right you got me on that one [Music] don't you get it beginning with the tape [Music] see obviously the Kitchen and Bar closed what you talk about Malcolm a't used to seeing a brother up front huh man what a crap yeah we are way over maximum occupancy I guess uh we illegal oh yeah swamped over at the bar we better go help Doug and Leonard wa you know what I mean we just getting too damn busy you know what I think we need to expand the club man well let's not get carried away I mean I don't think we've gotten to that point just yet come on excuse [Music] excy can you uh bring the Girl by you know a second thought let's expand hey you got the blueprints yeah now look I was checking it out if we knock out this wall here and knock out this wall here we can use the empty space that used to be your garage hey you know we can keep the hydraulic lift man put the Jazz Band On It music in the air comedy hey guys uh Mr Hawkins is here ah just the man we wanted to see gentlemen I don't have much time what can you do for me today well Mr Hopkins Leonard yeah this is a private conversation oh gotcha that oh you want me to leave wellas time is money and you can't afford me so right Mr Hawkins here the deal the 50/50 Club has been doing fairly well yes not great at all man it's just so so barely barely scraping by so we figured to increase our uh our profits it might be a good thing to expand our operations so we were hoping that you would possibly let us rent the empty space next to us for a little little discount nice try McGee what this club is making a fortune that's a designer sweater you wearing and Sherman never wears the same hat twice this this is Kmart the reges collection and this this is a knockoff man it ain't even a Kango it's a mango let your closeth man it ain't no kangaroo that's impossible that what please two of you are raking in the cash do you actually think you going to con me into giving you a discount well let me try another strategy please gentlemen I'm afraid you're too late I read of that Space 3 days ago what young woman named Laura Morales is opening a danam studio since she's just starting out I took pity on her and I only charged to double the going rate what a saint frankly I wish now I had waited I thought I have a relationship with you too I could have pretended to fall for your little sob story and gotten triple the going rap you keep denying it but I swear you sold your soul to the devil no way oh Lucifer couldn't meet my price hello oh jeez what time is [Applause] it oops I drop my wallet all right all right show's over why don't you girls go get some lunch I'm I'm Laura Morales can I help you hey Malcolm McGee and this is my partner Eddie Sherman hey we on the 50-50 club right next door oh nice to meet you I've been there it's a beautiful place I love the music oh well thank you next time you drop by drinks are on us oh I appreciate that tell you what I'll give you 10% off on a dance lesson oh great thanks I don't need no dance lessons oh so you're you're a dancer please Michael Jackson needs some new moves he call me babysitter why do I get the feeling that you guys are not just here to meet and greet ah smart lady actually we were hoping to say hi and goodbye excuse me uh see we uh want to rent this little space out and knock that little wall out so we can expand our little Club but you kind of snuck in before us snuck in well what my partner means is we would be more than happy to help you find another spot for your studio oh I don't want another spot I like this spot you know uh we like this spot well then find another spot oh interesting morous sweetheart be reasonable okay reasonable oh you you guys have a lot of nerve coming in here and asking me to pack up and leave I paid for this space I have a lease and I'm not going anywhere see is that kind of attitude in business let me confer with my partner Miss Morales Eddie and I are willing to make it financially worth your while to relocate re really well that's a possibility so how how much you guys offering 50 bucks get out with cash get out now $50 hey I was going to throw in a case of strike oh hey Malcolm uh when I took the trash out I found this note in your Corvette oh another Lovick customer admiring me for far this parking space belongs to my dance studio move it or your car will be told immediately look wow she wants your [Music] bad what happened it must have popped the circuit breaker all right I'll check it out all right who's holding my hand oh sorry get a little nervous in the dark all right all right listen up people listen up listen up we'll have this little problem fixed in just a minute now let's look at the brighter side of things ladies uh the dark it is the better your data look oh ain't no helping you bro what have you guys done my studio is totally without power look around it's not exactly the Main Street Electrical Parade in here I'm in the middle of my senior citizen's Mambo class I haven't seen old people this pissed off since they canceled mat L well you know we've never had electrical problems until you moved in don't lay this on me you're the power Hogs look we're running a full-fledged Enterprise here Missy yeah so why don't you tell Coco and Leroy from Fame they can go sing Body Electric somewhere else hey don't give me that I'm running a business too and mine is just as important to me as yours is to you oh you need a major attitude adjustment see that's all you do is back sag you know you need to just uh sachche and P out to the for I'm not going anywhere until you fix the power are you down with that hold hold up okay see you you're making this personal woman now why don't you just stand back and let's handle this quietly and calmly like adults like me okay hey Malcolm uh it isn't that your uh your car hey hey wait wait wait a minute hey that's my that's my car stop hey come on [Music] [Music] hey hey hey man what is that noise down there top dance class at C at 9 in the morning every Monday Wednesday and Friday hey shut the hell up I'm trying to sleep up here that's more light all right very good man ah take take it easy take it easy it's early you're not in control of your emotions oh no I'm totally in control at least one emotion I'm pissed look you just go back to bed right stick your head under the mattress I'm going to go have a talk with little Miss Morales myself oh no no no don't talk chat chat chat go down there and scream hey this brother don't you even worry about it all right it's time to take the gloves off it's time to lower the boom to smack down but I'm not taking any flag I'm not taking any crap I'm not coming back until I get her out of here that's what I'm talking about server put it down put it down represent for the last time shut the hell up [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] aha there you are Malcolm I'm so glad you're here cuz I was I was going to call you oh really well you wouldn't have been able to use a phone with all the noise going on down here yes I realize it's loud how do you guys sleep up there we can't that's the point it's been like that ever since you moved in here you know what you need to do put in some soundproofing put in some sound proofing Mr Hopkins is having it installed this weekend oh oh that that's good what about the electrical problems huh huh the lights went out three times last night that's fault his contractor accidentally ran my power through your circuit breaker yeah yeah well that needs to be fixed baby first thing tomorrow morning oh oh well that that's good too how'd you get Hawkins to do all that well see I was asking around town I found out he was charging me twice the going rate so I threatened to call my cousin at the Kansas City Tribune unless he fixed all these other problems your cousin's a reporter well actually he has a paper R but Hawkins doesn't need to know that that's great wait so did he lower your rent too oh yes down to A110 a square foot that's a nickel less than what we pay you want me to talk to him for you could you I mean no no I'm still mad at you you had my car tow that was so rude rude no I know I realize that now I am so sorry to show you how sorry I am I I wrote you this check so this should cover the towing and impound fees and I added a little extra something for your inconvenience whoa that's also good you know I spent a lot of years touring with Broadway shows my dream of course it was to be on Broadway then one night during a performance of The Lion King I was third giraffe to the left I tripped over wart hog number two a Swan Dive Right into the orchestra pit ouch so there I was in Scranton with a broken leg and Shattered Dreams welcome the studio is my new dream I got you so I'm going to try my best to be a really good neighbor and I hope you feel the same way yeah yeah I do I'm glad and N I'm sorry I was so tough on you just now that's okay I can take it good guy Miss [Music] Molly president got caught again ah hey M you want some Franken berries no I had a protein shake what's that floating around in your cereal oh hotlinks so you uh put Laura in a place you know Ed the world would be a much better place if we all tried just a little harder to get along with our neighbors you ain't going to start saying We are the world are you la got honking to soundproof and rewire her studio and look she even gave me a check for the cost of Towing my car she worked you didn't she yeah little bit but Laura said that she wants to be a good neighbor from now on and I believe her man we don't want her to be a good neighbor man we want her to get out so we can expand the club yeah but there's no way she's leaving yes there is I'mma go down and talk to her I almost don't blame you cuz when it come to women you weak not me you know what I'm saying she can't Battle of her eyes flick her hair around or shake a little thing at you know what I'm saying I'mma put it [Music] down what are you doing stoking the fire that back you don't want to get burned all right I got your back I'm right behind you MO [Music] [Music] back [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] make [Music] he [Music] [Applause] another long line tonight yep we the place to be KC you know actually it's a good idea that we didn't expand after all how you figing well when people drive by and they see a long line in front of a place that's the place they want to be true that true that well I noticed that you still haven't gotten around to telling me what happened between you and Miss Laura Morales did she get burned by the fire you know malcol in the world would be a much nicer place if people just learn to get along with their neighbors really that you know what forgive me cuz I may be speaking from the perspective of a guy who's way too weak with women but if I didn't know better it sounds like she worked you too little bit hey guys miss Laura Morales we're just talking about you how you doing Miss Lady I'm feeling a little Jazzy tonight oh well you've come to the right place step right in hey your money's no good at the 50/50 club tonight just for tonight man you got to be the cheapest man alive hey I am not cheap all right I'm Frugal I'm Thrifty no you tight about as tight as Captain Kirk Speedo Beam Me Up underwear with the little spot ears on that's pretty tight that's tight nothing's that tight [Music] [Music] I'm sorry so I'm a little short-handed can you stay late tonight again that's the fourth night this week I I know but I need someone to stuff olives news flash Malcolm it is possible in this day and age to buy pre-stuffed olives we have the technology and pay a penny more a pop I don't think so I swear you are tighter than Bruce Jenner's facelift Bal balol check out the girl at table for don't look she's cute cute try gorgeous her beauty is rivaled only by Josie and the [Music] Pussycats well Josie was all right but if you talking fine Denise huo's the [Applause] one it's obvious you're digging on the young lady so why don't you go over there and talk to her I couldn't I'll screw it up no uh I'll ask niolet to wait on her oh no no no you will not you will go over there you will talk to her yourself it's for your own good but but what should I say start with taking her order and then see where the conversation leavs from there oh you're good push the shrimp it goes bad tomorrow hi welcome to the 50 50 club I'm waiter and I'll be your Leonard for this evening what uh I I mean what can I get you I'll have a vodka martini okay vodka martini uh will you be enjoying one of our mouthwatering appetizers this evening uh the shrimp is still good okay I the shrimp cocktail okay one shrimp cocktail excellent choice enjoy shrimp do you uh yeah yeah me too it's the tastiest bottom feeder what oh God God I said bottom I oh no I said it again I I wasn't talking about your bottom although you do have one and it's very firm but hey how'd it go uh no not not good Malcolm I got to take a break sure hey Len are you all right just made a total fool of [Music] myself uh Malcolm yeah uh let's say someone was doing a Tom Jones impression and he accidentally dropped his microphone and broke it would that be a problem absolutely thank God that didn't happen uh Nicollet if you're trying to fly you got to gather up a whole lot more speed you're so funny lard said you wanted to see me yes you are late I was getting a manicure pedicure like the color it's pumpkin pie for a holidays it's adorable look Nicollet we scheduled a staff meeting this afternoon and you missed it well what did I miss that was so important well we discussed who's going to work on Thanksgiving evening and we drew straws and guess what you lost but I wasn't here exactly no no no no wait a minute I don't believe this look when I took this job I thought we have fun because we're friends but I'm not having a whole lot of fun and you're not being very friendly NAD I'm trying to run a business but look I'm pretty sure if you apologize to the entire staff for missing a mandatory meeting that they may be willing to draw straws again no no no no forget it no way I still have my dignity [Music] hey girly these crab cakes are Stone Cold well they are stone crabs I'll heat these up for you sir yeah see if you can get them as warm as my beer all right ladies and Gentlemen let's he for the 50/50 club man now tonight we got a little something different for you and do some spoken word so here's a little poem I wrote called Deja Vu go ahead fellas she excites me like the charge a child gets from an ice cream cone she excites me like a younger who so yearns to be grown she excites me am I too old to sometimes simply lose control cuz I just want to drop to my knees and plead with her to abuse my soul I want to convulse I want to sh I want to scream out her name and do all the things a man's not supposed to do to keep his cool I want to feel her breath in my ear to remind me to inhale her full sexuality because the reality of this Bliss is this road may not be mine forever so I do whatever I can do to get through to her and let her know that I am enjoying her time immensely thank [Applause] you here you go sir had the chef warm up your crab cakes and you expect me to eat them with my hands no sir I brought you a clean fork and a cold beer on the house now do you need another napkin oh no there it is under your stomach okay Curly I want to talk to your boss about that attitude of yours well since is my attitude maybe you need to talk to me did did you just crack wies with me do you know who I am I am Mick steinet the Kansas City Carpet King well maybe you need to staple one of your rugs to your head instead of torturing the five hairs you got left excuse me is there a problem yeah are you in charge here Shakespeare yes I'm one of the owners Malcolm McGee well McGee this waitress has giving me Guff and you didn't order the gu uh well allow me to apologize on behalf of myself and your waitress no but nette let me handle this your m's on the house no no no I can't believe nette have a good evening you just humiliated me in front of the whole club that jerk was wrong nicholet you know the rules the customer is always right so what are you saying that I'm wrong the would you relax and lower your voice no no no don't hush me let the truth be heard but you are out of line and you are tripping no I'm the boss Case Closed oh so now you're the boss until the next time you need a favor then all of a sudden you're my dear friend I am your boss and your dear friend right now I am your boss no right now you're neither I [Music] quit my credit card back I'll be right with you hey lonard you've had two orders sitting here for 5 minutes go c m man we're really short-handed look I know Doug I just haven't had any time to interview any waitresses yet why don't you just call niolet back you know make nice look Nicollette walked out on this yeah well maybe just maybe she wasn't the only one to blame what I mean I blame her parents too nette can have her job back in time she wants all she has to do is call and admit she was wrong hey McGee yes this drink has got more water in it than the Titanic well we've never had any complaints before yeah we don't water down our drinks and I see you've almost finished half of it but uh I'll make you a new one okay you got class McGee thank you sucks try again I don't think so you know something pal I think it's time for you to leave yeah but what about your policy the customer's always right yeah that's my policy except when it comes to you let's go come on get out of here get get moving get moving [Applause] [Music] H excuse me hello hi can I have your attention please thanks everybody uh we're going to do something a little different tonight the spoken word here's a little poem I wrote called the bottom of my heart how lucky is the rain that falls upon your head pretty lucky how happy is the wind that blows through your hair darn happy I am a dying parched man wandering in a lonely desert and you are a cool pool of [Music] love I want to dive in and touch bottom oh to drown in your Embrace and to spend the rest of my life [Music] going thank you [Applause] wasn't that something and ladies and gentlemen here's something else so uh what' you think I thought it was a great bit hilarious hilarious oh no you were serious and you were talking to me yeah oh god oh no oh I'm sorry look uh you and me it's just not going to happen [Music] fine hey you okay oh yeah yeah can I just uh have a a minute alone [Music] please sure excuse me I don't mean to bother you but that poem was really touching thanks apparently you're the only one who feels that way no I know what it's like to Bear your soul and be rejected and I sang this mini River song at Camp once and they chopped holes in my canoe I love mini Ripperton you're Leonard right yeah I'm Allison hi I've been coming here for almost a month I always sit in your station oh oh yeah right right you're the banana daquiri with a side of banana you noticed well um I'll see you later yeah hey heyy what are you doing man well she already paid her check and she's still sitting here right go ask her out so Allison yes would you like to go out yes sometime yes uh when do you get off uh uh it's 4 hours I'll wait wow cool [Applause] she's going to wait all right Super Fly [Music] h Hello Malcolm nead where have you been I've been trying to call you yeah I know I got your messages all 14 of them listen I know you're mad at me but I figured we should at least talk about this I guess well you've been gone for several days now and well Leonard misses you and I miss Leonard and Doug but I've moved on I mean I got a new job and and it's a wonderful job it's a job where where I'm appreciated and people listen to me your purse is ringing I hear it well aren't you going to answer it one2 200 star read you're psychic connection Nicollet speaking that's your new job uh how will you gain wealth well first of all you need to stop making calls that cost $2.95 a minute thank you for calling look that look if that's your n 1200 star read your psychic connection nicholet speaking well you meet the woman of your dreams that's a different number 1 1200 phone tart thanks for calling may your future be bright 1 1200 star read your psychic connection nicholet speaking hello I I have a problem and I'm hoping you could help me go ahead sir well you see I I I have this friend niolet well I'm sensing that she's an exceptionally attractive young woman absolutely you see she worked for me for a while and it turned out badly we both kept taking each other for granted well that always hurts a friendship I know I mean since she's been gone I lost a really great waitress and even a better friend I sense that graling may be in order that sounds expensive especially at 295 a minute I just want my friend to know that I miss her and if she came back to work for me I would not take our friendship for granted well I think she might come back if uh if I see paper green paper light of it with dead old men's faces on it don't push it [Applause] Latoya God Malcolm I am exhausted look I need to go home and soak my feet in the tub and if if you don't let me go soon they not going to fit let you know you cannot leave until all of our customers are gone is 20 minutes past Closing Time kick some butt no that would be inappropriate however I think I do have an idea to give these stragglers little incentive to leave watch and learn my friend excuse me oh yeah right take her away [Music] [Music] loveing you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] EAS I want to sh I want to scream out her name and do all the things a man's not supposed to do to keep his cool [Music] D well I for one am a little nervous why well nickolette made it very clear to me that she doesn't want to celebrate her birthday this year well how do you know well she said Leonard I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year she took her knee off my chest what's going on surprise happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy [Laughter] birth what's the matter with her it had to be Malcolm singing [Music] thanks for inviting me over to watch the Star Trek Marathon leard I invited you over to help with these flyers as long as you keep folding you can watch whatever geek show you want you know Malcolm not All Star Trek fans wear pointy ears and go to conventions you I mean some of us realize it's just a TV show now pass me the clling on trail mix it's popcorn your Spock you want to beam your way over to the door uh Malcolm excuse me but Spock was a Vulcan and offshoot of the romulans must I remind you that I'm a human yes and [Music] frequently hey Mal Leonard you here to help with Flyers no uh-uh I um well I just came by to apologize for making a scene at my birthday party no don't worry about it and for being in such a bad mood that's okay I'm used to it and for chasing you with the cake knife yeah you barely nicked me I guess I just had a hard time handling the fact that I was turning 30 yeah that well you know you know they say the big three is a pretty tough birthday yeah bye-bye youth hello Matlock come on don't look at me like that woman 30 is not old yeah I know and it's not that I'm afraid of Aging I mean the van chose the women maintain our youth through Beauty well until I Miss Jane Pitman years then why were you so upset because I'm 30 and and I I don't have any kids yet and that's really important to me it is yes I mean I've always wanted kids I I've got great maternal instincts I mean look how well I rais my cat Pooky well I got to admit Pooky is the only cat I know that's potty trained and he flushes too N I know you're anxious but I think you need to just hold up you have all the time in the world to be a mother no I don't ovaries come with an expiration date best if used before 35 Ah that's one of the good things about being a man our stuff is like spam last a lifetime yeah well anyway I've been thinking about this a long time and I've made a decision I'm going to be artificially inseminated who [Music] cool that's how they created Kus father of all Klingons artificial insemination [ __ ] I think you just need to hold up and wait for Mr Wright oh really well all I found so far is Mr Wright about to go bankrupt Mr Wright about to go to jail and my personal favor Mr right about to come out of the closet maybe you're just too picky I'm just tired of waiting around for somebody who may never show up I mean this is the '90s women don't have to be married to have kids well yeah but I mean artificial insemination yeah that's that's a pretty drastic step yeah yeah I know and I'm a little nervous about it but but that's why I was hoping that Malcolm would come with me to the sperm bank uh niolet you know I got to be honest I'm not real excited about going to a building filled with sperm it's not like it's going to break loose and attack you Malcolm please I really want you to come with me all right if it's that important to you I'll go with you to your sperm bank I'm Jane your insemination counselor Welcome to The Sisterhood hi I'm Malcolm MC you can wait out here nicholet if you just follow me no no no no Malcolm's okay he can come yeah yeah I I'm her support system support system a he knows the buzzword as you know all of our donors are Anonymous each donor profile contains a physical description educational and personal background as well as a medical history so where do you get your donors we advertise in local papers and at local universities it's a highly selective process those who are accepted are paid $50 per donation $50 man I let about 30 grand slip through my fingers is that supposed to be funny only to those with a sense of humor um uh donor 427 looks really interesting it's concert violinist and he was a musical prodigy oh yes donor 427 he is very popular popular yes uh our Clinic limit is 10 births per donor and he's already at eight wow two more and they retire his cup listen buddy sorry I know that was inappropriate just pretend I have breasts anyway once I decide on a donor what happens next well you decide on a method of insemination you can do it here at your doctor's or at home this home kit contains everything you need to create the miracle of birth yourself oh it looks like a Happy Meal how sweet an ovulation kit and home pregnancy kit and a [Music] um turkey baster that is not a turkey Bas Jer what is it it's all the man you'll ever need oh all righty Jane this has been very informative thank you for your time come on Malcolm let's go we're done yes okay so what about scheduling your next appointment oh I'll be in touch don't forget your kid so I said to the distributor how can you justify charging me that much for beer nuts what is there a worldwide beer nut and Bargo I'm sorry what n you haven't said a word in the car the whole way home you okay m I was sitting in that clinic and I realized that I'm shopping for my baby's father out of a catalog me I get nervous when I shop out of a catalog I mean what if the sperm bank mixes up the cups well I did read an article about this doctor and Alabama he used his own sperm to impregnate 70 different women it was ugly and he was ugly and there was 70 ugly kids this probably isn't helping huh it's just that that whole sperm bank procedure is cold and impersonal I mean I want to know who the father of my child is you know does he have a nice smile sense of humor and most important is he a good person hey I agree and I don't care what anybody says this is a turkey baster Malcolm come here sit down the only way that I can be sure that the father of my child is a good person is if I know him I don't suppose you're talking about Leonard I'm talking about you will you be the father of my child does that mean I have to use this no I think that's meant for me this is for you H seems a tad small I'm just trying to lighten the mood you know what we don't even need this stuff at all we don't no I I want my child to be conceived in a loving way not by some turkey baster yeah but that means that you and I would have to uh uhhuh with each other mean just the two of us call me old fashioned oh I don't know niolet look look look I realized that I just sprung this on you and I understand if you're shocked shocked no no please please I'm not shocked I mean I'm a guy of the 90s I just want to know why me well why not I mean you're intelligent and handsome athletic responsible and you got big hands and big [Applause] feet you think Malcolm think about it I mean this is your chance to make sure that the world does not left Malcolm list to leave a lasting Legacy or else you could run a red light and be wiped off this planet forever wow I mean Nicolet you You' certainly given me a lot to think about most of it's scary and depressing but I'm flattered that you asked I'm just going to need some time to think about it oh oh of course I understand okay take all the time you need but I I be late on Tuesday [Music] hey look who I found Em Get Back dead bullet how was Memphis Country how was the JazzFest Jazzy well how are you still looking good I'm going to let this slide cuz I know you miss me m said you went to graceand oh yeah did you see Elvis you know you white folks need to let that go you know fat boy dead gone buried worm food well did did you bring me anything of course I did got yourself right here yeah what is it it's a Elvis clock when it hits 12:00 little hips are Shake on it baby wow it's just what I always wanted thanks what's be slowing down man jet leg something you bring me anything oh yeah man you know I ain't going to Forget You du come on man I got it right uh yeah here it is right here peanuts I got those from the pantry at graceand I'm hold Elis say nuts in my hands and you way too happy about it look did I miss anything while I was gone what's happening uh no we hired a new bus boy Malcolm nicholette decided to have a baby yeah I found a mouse in the storage room whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa oh don't worry don't worry I didn't kill it I drove it to the edge of town and gave him a Stern talking to Mickey won't be bothering us again you sit here and you sit there hey hey you can have them back when you tell me about Malcolm nicholet and did you say baby I can't think of a better person to have a child with than you that's sweet actually it's the ideal situation we're good friends but we're never going to get married so there's no chance of a messy divorce like my parents had right so why does this feel so awkward how about some music see I put together a little mood mix [Music] wrong mood that's did and what are you doing in town you not do back to tomorrow oh I caught the standby you miss me right yeah all right yeah but but we're we're busy Welcome Back In Goodbye know we're all free black and over 21 and you can do whatever you want to do and whatever position you want to do just give me a chance to uh speak my pce here y'all tripping y'all Martin Lawrence running down the freeway dipped in hot olive oil with a pistol tripping you know if you're trying to kill the mood it's working yes Eddie look we're not crazy we know exactly what we're doing you know what you're doing so you thought about everything that goes along with having a child not being married well yeah I mean we've we've talked a lot we have all the angles covered that's that's cool soon as I'm going be the baby's Godfather Godfather who said you're going to be the baby's Godfather I do no no no no my Uncle B is going to be the baby's gu no Nicolette we never said and if it's a boy I want his name to be Bartholomew yeah you call him Bartholomew you might as well call him uh punck number five and sale number three Bartholomew is a terrible name for a football player well that's fine because my little B is going to play the cello cello oh no no the other kids will kill him you might as well put his lunch money in envelopes and have him just hand it out to the bll look here we are talking about my child your child our child you know maybe you guys didn't think it all the way through well my job's done here oh man I don't even know why I got in the way y'all consenting adults you know what you doing just call me wait the egg y'all got a baby to make yes indeed that'll set the mood right back where it was you know you know if I wasn't a Christian I'd join you you know I heard you got some uh brought some really cool stuff back for Doug and Leonard oh yeah they they in the Elvis and uh Nicollet said you brought her some perfume dutyfree yeah oh you man you thinking I forgot about you man well man yours is it's it's like that where is it shipping they had to ship it oh like but you know something I'm going go put on my shoes and I'm going to take you out to a big welcome back dinner how's that my yeah uh information yeah I need to uh gift shop at Grace lands I just want to order some stuff you know the only way that I'll know for sure that my father is a good person not my father but you know your father is a good person yeah he is you know thank God for your father spot you got to see this Warehouse we found is huge oh looks great but the color scheme doesn't really work for me nichette it's the same color scheme as this club and this has never worked for me either well I for one find the interior palette stimulating and yet relaxing I wouldn't change the things guys oh thank you Leonard and the butt kissing award goes to winner rickets Mr rickets has won this award an unprecedented 15 weeks in a row these guys I don't oh you got we got a meeting on Friday in Chicago with the contractor to get his bid man we need to take a three-day weekend man live a little you know get the presidential suite at the Ritz fly first class yeah and and we'll have a Rick Shaw pick us up at the airport with Hal Berry pulling it you mocking me man yes I am he we're on a tight budget this has got to be a quick day trip oh come on man loosen up on the straps open the wallet okay no problem as long as you're okay with uh leaving them in charge day trip [Music] [Applause] hey how you doing Malcolm McGee Eddie Sherman nice to meet you Troy Jenson Hey Man Nice crib thanks I restored it myself oh you did a good job good the man is an artist come here and look at the carving on these moldings I said come here there's only a few people in the whole country who can do this kind of work and I'm married to the best of them thanks baby this is V my wife and my publicist hi you how you doing baby why you wearing your uniform today you you ain't supposed to go to work I know honey but the hospital call they need every nursing by 4:00 why you know that new Mexican restaurant Tiana fresh yeah well lunch today was more Tijana than fresh it's got everybody running for the [Laughter] [Music] Border baby you can't go to work today this job is my chance to move into commercial Contracting somebody got to watch the kids oh you're right what was I thinking I'm just going to quit my job we don't need two incomes heck the kids don't have to eat three meals a day that little one's getting kind of chubby so you going in huh uh-huh you'll be fine honey I left the roast on the stove and the kids have promised to be on their best behavior oh well since they promise take care come on over guys let's get down to business look took a look at the plans you sent over and I made some revisions now there was a wall here you moved it yeah that was a low band wall move that and the whole damn roof going to cave in you know now I never owned a nightclub but don't people tend to act a fool when the ceilling fall into their drink yes and so do their attorneys I'm telling you man I think that drive-thru girl kind of wants oh boy I quit dreaming oh man you saw how slow she was counting out my change maybe she's just stupid see I don't care I kind of like them stupid you better hope she likes them the same way this is Duke and Earl Gibson they on my construction crew oh now we're also your brothers-in-law yeah M you ever notice how he always leave that out I think he got issu psychological problems Dr hey hey I'm Sherman what up man yes inde all right I'm Malcolm McGee whatever uh what are y'all two doing here oh see we ran a credit check on these jazz club guys like you asked yeah I didn't ask you to do that man it's a good thing we did no Eddie he's all right Eddie but you woo dead beat McGee dead beat and who the hell you look you got two late payments on your Discover Card my Discover card uh there's a certain shower curtain ringing Bell to you huh huh look I bought the shower curtain two weeks later it fell apart now I certainly didn't see any reason to why am I explaining myself to them don't look at me man my credit good all wait wait listen up come on come come here look it's my job to handle the clients right yeah right and it's your job to nail the pieces of wood together right me lunch meeting you lunchbox yeah we just trying to make sure these guys don't get away with like B look here's my bed on the r look over and I'll be right back you and you conversation outside kick Rock I told him not to run the credit check but see he hardheaded oh he's going to turn brother man I kind of like the guy man what do you think I think he's expensive look at this he's $25,000 higher than the other bid look out evil doors maximum man is here hi I'm Kyro Jensen and that doof face is my brother Rome don't listen to him I'm Maxim man well nice to meet you Mr man I'm Malcolm and this is Eddie hey easy on the Maxi grip sorry humano sometimes I don't even know My Own Strength watch this okay it looks like like I'm trapped right wrong I'm stuck uh-oh could this be the end of Maxima man I hope so Daddy help what's going on in here it looks like Maxima man got himself stuck bro what's the matter with you man last week your invisibility belt fell and the whole neighborhood saw your butt naked something must be sapping my Powers is it you hat [Music] boy hey that's cold maximum man cute kid y even look at me what's the matter what's the matter this is what's the [Applause] matter Bandit dropped at me that's our dinner b b stop K I need air really honey your hair's not that bad it's black and orange I look like a Halloween Chia Pet help me out fellas your dad's right it's not that bad but you you look good you like a like a celebrity yeah like like Dennis R nice save Ed listen Troy it's obvious you have your plate full maybe we should just leave but what about the renovation well we're thinking we need to look [Music] elsewhere okay guys look I know things seem a little crazy here right but if you can just give me 10 minutes 10 minutes yeah five to straighten out my family and five to convince you that I'm the best man for your job all right 10 minutes I can breathe yes you can look Ron you keep getting your little Maxi butt in trouble and expecting me to get you out but one day Daddyo's not going to be around to save you and then what you going to do I don't know well you better you better figure it out cuz today is that day Cyro I see you and I see the dog but I don't see dinner and you're not going to see dinner unless you're call Pizza Hut just take the dog for a walk but Dad kick rocks look just let me talk to my daughter before she pulls out what little hair she has left actually that might be the way to go I mean to go and actually discuss the hair follicle develop here baby tell Daddy what happened Britney said you could make me look like a Tyra fix wait a minute you let Britney a girl who shaved off her eyebrows and Drew them back on with a sharpie do your hair yes okay calm down baby I'm sure something we could [Laughter] do is it better don't make me lie to you baby I'm your daddy oh my God just drop me off at the circus I'll marry the dog face boy if you'll have me Geneva baby look let's discuss your options you can cut it all off and start over or you can you can go on a roll with the Spice Girls and call hairy spice or you can own it own it yeah you know use it work it make it your own I don't think I can do that J look if you have confidence in yourself you can get away with anything look at my head trust me you going to start a trend pretty soon everybody GNA be copying you I can see it now I did kind of start that whole hell of kitty thing back in the third [Music] grade I think I call it the Geneva that's right TI Banks leg ass yo can I get some help over here you know I really like to help you out little bro but your father said you should work these things out for yourself I got a pee Let's help him okay hold up a little minute all right look don't you press your ears in and we'll see if he suppos to have any gears I'm free thanks guys got it I thought you said you had to pee nah I just just said I so you'd help me you know Rome you may have to tell your dad that you just ConEd us into helping you out you could do that or I could show you where Mom hides the brownies brownies double fudge I think the child has learned a lesson all right mhm show us where it's at little man brownies brownies who what's this my dad bus a secret passageway all right this house is cool what's up daddy [Music] yo Cyro where's the dog oh I gave him away Freeze Frame you gave your dog away yeah to who Larry Newton wait a minute let me get this straight you gave away Bandit the dog you cried whined and begged me for I was just a kid then Dad people change the dog had to go uhhuh okay I didn't realize how much work Bandit was going to be I mean I'm sick of walking them feeding them cleaning up after him but I thought you love Bandit I do I do and I'm going to visit them but let's be honest I do have two other pets and you never seen a hamster or goldfish swipe or r r right you know son my first instinct is to go off on you but but you pass that stage right you know I am in fact I I can relate to what you saying you can yeah you know sometimes I get tired of my responsibilities too there you go yeah you do understand yeah I do that's why I'm sending you to military school what yeah you know I'm tired of cleaning up after you feeding you you know giving you money but but I I thought you loved me oh I do and I'll come visit you but let's be honest I do have two other kids I'm going to go get banded uhhuh bring him back right take real good care of him yeah every day right here in my house that's right now kick rocks B this house is cool where is Eddie oh I lost him somewhere in the secret passage way look Malcolm man I'm sorry about all these interruptions no I'm usually all about business but today hey something touched me in there man you know what you got in there man little potato people and I thought you were right behind me no you left me you left me all alone man all alone in this Amityville Stephen King Little Hell House on the Prairie let's finally actually for real get down to business all right that works for me all right Troy we've checked your references we know that you're good but your bid is $25,000 higher than action's construction hey man if you don't come down on your bed we going to have to get a job to Atkins I see well give you my congratulations huh no now this is the part where we negotiate you know what I'm saying I go up you go down you that no this 15 cent no 20 more 20 more I don't work that way fellas look I gave you my very best price and it's a honest price because I guarantee it any dollar over that price I pay myself can Phil Atkins make you that promise what do you think jump on it it's all good as F all right Troy we'll uh we'll give you the job at your price if you can build us a secret passageway okay but you got to get your own potato people hey man can we use your phone so we can get a cab to the airport C man I drive yall to the airport all right great hey you're saving us $849 just give me a second while I round up the kids kids uh we'll take the bus hey we'll hitch bye yeah take care hey kids what what what daddy yo got the job [Music] [Applause] [Music] hey nickolet how'd it go tonight oh you kidding it went like clockwork all right but Leonard took an extra 25 minutes on his break tonight but you didn't hear from me your secet safe with us hey lard hey guys how was your trip it was good man how things going around in oh like a well-oiled machine Nicollet ate her weight and appetizers tonight but you didn't hear it from me you're Secret Safe With Us hey niola you need some help gy man how'd it go tonight smooth hisself all right I broke two glasses and a bottle of Crystal but you didn't hear it from me it's good to be home I think if y'all tell me my line then I'll say [Music] it well I think we're going to have to look elsewhere but you rap real good you got that right that's my baby hey why' you say so give me the phone hello T girl what you going to tell me what apartment you in you want to do what with what to what girl you a freaking little do you want to go [Applause] out Malcolm what is going on here nothing Malcolm you need to make the decision which one of us do you want me or me or her or her I don't [Music] know hello Eddie how you doing R buns you m Peep and T oh you look even better than you do through my telescope and you look padin fresh I've been waiting for you apparently for a long time you know uh on the phone you sound so sexy oh that's my sexy phone voice it was a it's nice meeting you Tanya yeah you know let's share a bottle of Jar sometime you wrong you know you [Applause] [Music] wrong M man what's happening I'm hurting Ed yeah I heard you had a rough day with the ladies I lost both of them first Olivia then Ashley I was alied and slam dumped a toast to women in booze you going to mess with the first have plenty of the second M so you got dumped you know you got to bounce back but Ashley and I were perfect for each other and let me live again Sweet M you might feel like this now but in a couple of days you'll be right back to your old self everybody else feel hot [Music] [Applause] so they glad night looks at me and says Eddie you my most reliable pip wow Eddie what a life you've L nightclub owner singer Ace fighter pilot well you know I'm a man of the [Music] world right on right on you know I've been a few places seen a few things had some of the finest wine seen a lot of lovely ladies but none of them as beautiful as you are oh [Applause] that's what I'm talking [Music] you oh sorry I'll just go in there I thought you was going to spend the night over nicholet so I could be along with Kelsey she kicked me out she said my Mo were making her cat shed you know you bringing mood of the room down I can't help how I feel hi I'm Kelsey Malcolm Eddie's told me a lot about you don't hurt him Kelsey for God's sake don't hurt him okay M seem upset do you want to talk no no he don't want to talk he want to go to bed you really want to hear no she's just being polite of course I want to hear well it it it's it's not much of a story really skip it good night I lost the love of my life oh her name was Ashley we were perfect for each other that is so sad and I will never love that way again oh obviously neither will I [Music] good crowd yeah the B is on tonight oh no they killing it is Malcolm still moaning my poor cat's practically Bal you know he's a mess you know what I'm saying I've been trying to get him monitors and help support him you know sitting on the couch all day watching Major Dad reruns oh you think it's possible he's had a stroke oh hey M M M Malcolm oh you're clean again well I couldn't go on like that and I want to thank you guys for putting up with me oh this is such a warm moment how about a group hug yeah sure l about that group right over there guys I I've been working through my pain with my poetry so if you don't mind I have a few thoughts I want to share with the [Music] cow love sucks [Music] love sucks the big one if my sensitivity and Sensibility hampers your ability to feel my love then what am I even trying for if my intent to keep you content harbers resentment and contempt then how is our love meant to be love sucking me training my energy maintaining a hopeless dependency on the fallacy that love is Grand I can't stand it love is bad it takes you up and down down and then up love sucks M you tripping man you not only brought the house down you cleared it out well I just spoke the truth how I see it no no no you got to get over this today Ed can't you see I can't get over this it's killing me no it's killing our business in my sex life as a matter of fact man you know you ain't fun hanging around no more you know you're right and it's not fair that I drag everybody down with me me I'm going to sell you my half of the club what yeah you heard me I'm going to pack my stuff up and I'm going to go someplace where I can be by myself business sucks my friend just quit ain't D able it's a crisis situation we got to figure out how to get Malcolm out of this funk before he wrecks his life well it uh looks like it's mail bonding time again give me that George Bush Jr what we got to do is figure out a way to get Malcolm back on track oh well I read in a magazine that when you get dumped you should change your hair color eat a tub of rocky road buy your first pair of capri pants and do something adventurous you own up there nicholet what Malcolm and capri pants no I don't think so not with those thick ankles I believe she was talking about it Adventure you know something exciting something new you know getting back on track you oh okay all right well here it is if you really want to do something extreme talk to me radio controlled tugboats fast H White Knuckle action man I realized you just got here but we're trying to prevent a suicide hey how about mountain climbing in Kansas City well what am I travel agent you figure it out if you ask me he had no business stepping out on Ashley in the first place he was wrong from the get go huh depressed he needs to be depressed he lucky he's not deceased hey hey hey one of my best friends really into hot air ballooning says it's intense Raves about it all the time hot air ballooning yeah it's supposed to be a rush you know Flying Like a Bird up at 10,000 ft duh you feeling all right yeah sure why cuz you actually came up with a good idea now that you mention it I'm feeling a little lightheaded [Music] this is the big surprise a balloon no no it gets better we going to take a ride going soore with the Eagles You dragg me away from Major Dad for this I'm out of here man ma ma you need this why because you in a deep fun and I don't want to F with you no more I can't buy your half of the club look I want to help you through this and I appreciate your help I understand what you're trying to do but I am perfectly happy being miserable now can we go hi guys I'm Vivian Hazelwood but everyone calls me Captain Viv I'll be taking you up today C General Sherman this is private McGee you guys are cute I should be paying you Visa master car and food stamps I accept them M all right let's go then I'm not getting that thing give me the car keys what you don't want to go off no scared no I am not scared that's ridiculous now give me the keys don't be embarrassed it's not the first time a guy backed out at the last minute I understand no you don't understand because there's nothing to understand I am not scared all right here you go see I'm in the basket now what this oh damn D you good I get paid by the head girls got to make a [Music] living we're at our cruising altitude 5,000 ft ah isn't it beautiful up here yeah real nice the only thing more exciting than driving past corn is flying over it excuse me for a minute uh man you know me and Captain bib is vibing real where know little later might want to join the mile high club no problem I'll just wait out on the porch come on man look up man have some fun I mean you do remember fun don't you you know but before you became uh sirmon a lot can we go back down now I don't want to miss Jake and the fat man what's up with you you know what's up with me me losing Ashley just knocked the wind out of me all right man I'm so depressed I don't care if I live or die oh you straight up and down tripping now hey hey what was that sounded like a jet uh-oh no no ain't no uhoh in balloons we've just drifted into the flight path of the 747 I don't know about you guys but I'm outie now now she did I don't believe this she just left us to die I hope the parachute don't up damn all right we got to gain altitude all got it good he dead wait there two more p woo that was close Edie man what you doing out there trying not to die help me up give me your [Music] leg you all yeah that was close call man I mean not for me you know I was cool the whole time I almost died would have been a close casket man I mean I'm sorry this wasn't a good idea coming up here no no no no no it was a great idea it was I mean the whole time I was hanging on for dear life I wasn't feeling sorry for myself for one second all I wanted to do was live hey now now you're talking hey man from this moment on I am not not going to let anything get me down I'm going to live every day on this Earth as if it were my last That's My Boy H I'm going be more like you Eddie careless and carefree yeah are I am going to enjoy the moment all right of course this could be our last moment if this balloon hits those power lines all right I'll see you down there no no you ain't leaving me in me all right here you go all right all right J Man Brothers going to do this kind of stuff Lord Jesus please don't let me SL you know I'm saying I swear I ain't going to never have another woman on with WH [Music] uh now hey Lyn I uh I forgot to charge table 4 for the appetizers and uh well they're already gone no problemo no problemo goo L we all make mistakes right and I am quite confident that you will learn from this and be far more careful in the Future Okay wouldn't count on it but man are you so happy you putting a Kool-Aid smile on my face what can I say I'm back that's my wife Yoo Andy oh look who else is back oh hell no you can run but you sure can't hide you'll be back they always come back know you got little expans on you so this is proof that I deserve a larger share of our tips but we always pull our tips oh that's way too communistic for my American sensibilities take Doug for instance while I'm walking around all night he's just lounging behind the bar how dare you oh please you're both just writing my co tails what please I am the hardest all right break it up if you guys don't start working nobody's getting tips now as of today we are no longer using my car for company runs why not there a couple of bottles of bourbon broke in the back seat now my car smell like Robert Downey Jun he don't worry about it the club will pay for cleanup you damn skippy man club's got to pay for a new company car what oh oh joke boy that was a good one you got me bro no I'm not joking man we need a new truck to haul supplies in let's be clear we don't need a new truck you want a new truck it's an unnecessary expense so we're just going to have to make du yeah we going to have to use your car what a hul supplies and a classic Corvette and why not that's like using Air Force One for Burger run like that's never happened and look I don't want to use my car it's your car or a new car all right I suppose we could use the write off but I will make the purchase we don't need to spend a penny more than we have to you know you know Malcolm uh a penny saved is just a penny then you understand get help now I st all hey had enough of this bickering about tips Club policy is is even split and that's it but Eddie I I I I even split although I do have an idea all right starting right now we're going to have a employee of the Week contest how's that work well uh Michael going to give a $100 cash bonus to the hardest working employee and we'll also hang your picture right behind the bar all right know that money's as good as mine dream on the prize goes to the hardest working not the hardly working damn hippies and let me go move them up out of here before they bring down the property Val hey hey it's Mal all right we got us some new Wheels new this car is older than me I know it doesn't look like much but I picked this up for a song what song Taps how many miles happen to be on this particular antique 368,000 it proves it's reliable it proves it's been fixed more times than it DME can't fight how much money did you spend for this piece of junk what would you say if I told you 200 bucks I say you spent $199.99 too much you know obviously I'm going have to go on and purchase a car myself there is nothing wrong with this truck only an idiot would like this car cool ride can I drive it point taken Malcolm I'm pleased to inform you that we should be ready to operate at Peak efficiency tonight well that would be a pleasant change Leonard thank you sir aren't you being a little formal sir no sir n what's wrong with L well he's a nerd in his feet sting that's a short list that's kind of cold well he ought to take pointers from you after all I don't know a nicer guy or a better dresser uh thank you nicket don't mention it just remember it hi Malcolm hi Doug the Doug Doug Doug what are you doing a spit shine in your shoes oh D they're [Music] suede I'll handle [Music] this you b a navigator a converted Navigator top of the line fully it check it out computer TV DVD PlayStation CD tape deck and a refrigerator beverage oo Frosty is that a microwave your Out close ground get the chicken real juicy hey this thing must have cost over 100 Grand where we going to get that kind of money I'm not stupid I didn't buy this ride oh I least it you leased it yeah the little willing and Dyan got the payments down to 1,700 a month that's for 108 months yeah after that we can buy this baby how could why in the world are you insane you don't like the color looks like Malcolm's head's about to explode ducking cover it's going to be brains and dreads everywhere you were supposed to get something that we can use to pick up supplies a simple utility vehicle not the Batmobile luxury don't hurt you picking up supplies doesn't have to be a chore picking up supplies is a chore one that doesn't require a convection oven who the hell pays 1,700 a month for a car and who the hell leases for 9 years guys guys maybe we should take this inside it's getting a little loud out here excuse me ladies and gentlemen step right up and see the cheapest man on Earth hold on no hold on I spend money on things that matter he is wearing Armani shirt thank you see this man is trying to shift attention away from the fact that he's a foolish spender I know you just didn't call me foolish Malcolm and Eddie look why don't we just calm down one of y'all say something you regret you know this is my fault for indulging in your wasteful Tendencies may I remind you that half of this club is mine oh you know something the other half is mine and I want no I insist that you take that truck back no no no I won't no I insist that you stay the hell out of my face no problem yeah [Music] M here yet nope hey Dorothy what you got in the basket some kind of bribe for the bosses maybe let me see this oh apple turnovers you are the apples of my eye May there never be any turnover at the 5050 homemade pickles nothing says hardworking like a jar of Doug's gerkins please hey hey Malcolm Malcolm out of the kindness of my heart and respect for you I bck you some banana bread from scratch these two are just training to an employee of the week so ignore their pitiful offerings we don't have an employee of the week oh sure we do and there's a $100 prize yeah it was Eddie's idea typical so are you just going to throw away $100 a week huh giveaway it's an incentive no it's $5,200 a year is what it is it's $4.95 a day you ain't the only one that can multiply and subtract I seem to be the only one who cares about making a profit I man come on man I'm about tired of you singing that same old tired ass song and I'm tired of having to sing it to you we supposed to have a partnership here and and you ain't even giving me room to operate how can I you keep throwing her money down the drain you know what I think it's time we cancel this little partnership partner I'll call my lawyer oh help them call mine good soon as I get the retainer so I'm taking a fish tank that plant's going with me fellas your friend nicholet called me just in time you two are in desperate need of therapy we are no doubt around it although you forged a solid friendship and run a successful business together you are two very different people yeah you got point there you know what I'm saying you know Malcolm he's like uptight you know always closed in cheek you I on the other hand you easy going loose laid back please I happen to be a caring responsible disciplined individual I recycle Eddie on the other hand is wild fickle out of control it's clear to me that you two are beating up different drummers what in layover terms you are apples and orange juice we know that doc the problem is we're not getting along and it's starting to affect our business ah suddenly the clowns are parting you two need to understand each other's point of view are you feeling me up [Applause] we don't even roll like that doc let's get to the roof of the problem I want you to try a psychological exercise I like to call roll reversal oh I did that once I was the TV repair man and my girlfriend was the housewife who hell no I ain't do that with him no no no no no that is role playing that is perverted and sick make a separate appointment for that you might want to pencil me in for a couple of them doc you I was sick for eating she was Roy she kept beating the tiger too much oh my I'm clearing my entire November calendar for you oh wait wait wait Ro reversal isn't that when we pretend to be each other now you're cooking the gas tomorrow morning malol you will be Eddie and Eddie you will be malcol this way you will gain insight into why each of you behaves the way you do what do you think you know might as well you know mean we paid for the session good point no man I was just acting being you you know practicing [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh what's up Mai ma my blood pressure do you have to play the music that loud well if it's too loud means you too old yo uh Ed you want to take the trash out sometime this Century I did I took it out the can and set it on the floor even put a little twist tie around the top I did my part uh you must be bushed I am soon as I finish with these bills I'm going back to bed see I got 30 days on that one this one to keep ah these two will never find me all done night night uh uh your head hold up uh you going to wash these dishes they've been in the sink for 3 Days right where I left them you think you want to clean them before the food becomes a new life form damn man told you we need a maid Maids cost money I can't wash these dishes out of soap what you mean you out of [Applause] soap Dam 25 more sets of clean dishes I just saved us $2.99 now if you put that in a revolving mutual account 6 weeks that'll be $64 damn I'm living with little Lord cheap [Applause] Leroy I am not cheap I'm Frugal ah coupons oh 2 cent sale at the 99 cent so hello cheese steak Phillies in Philadelphia can I get a jumbo with extra onions and peppers and uh can you get it here in an hour money is No Object and take whatever tip you think is fair $2 off Pina goat ch for a 25 lb bag don't need it but damn show is cheap you know what Malcolm you are a Walmart shopping coupon hoarding Crisco saving early bird dining Southwest flying free sample loving teabag recycling skin Flint [Applause] use a wasteful frivolous spin Thrift is going to find himself in a cardboard bucks well that may be mauie ma but uh I ain't got time to argue with you I got bill collectors to dodge all right all right no no no that's over the line all right now I might not pay my bills on time but they damn sure enough get paid ain't never been no bill collectors knocking in my DP well I have never clipped coupons for goat child I mean damn Eddie you act like saving money is a crime man you act like spending it is a sin man I don't get you well I don't get you either you know M man our families was different man you know when I was coming up we didn't have much you know what I'm saying wasn't never enough money to go around so you know now that I got a little cheddar man I'm enjoy it today yeah and we were not exactly the hux bues I mean we had the basics but when my parents split up man it was hard I mean we had to struggle really yeah we were always behind man I I hatte it living like that so I save money because I don't ever want to have to worry about not having any right on yo I feel where you coming from man likewise all right so now that we see each other's point of view is there some kind of compromise we can come to on this truck situation no for you Ma I'll just save some money and settle for a r old plain van and for you Ed I'll make sure it's got a pumping sound system now you tough all right let's go get it let go work it out [Applause] think we ought to change hell [Music] yeah all right I like that sound system in there Mr Sher it's it's Bang thank you all right people Eddie and I have discussed it and we have agreed that there is going to be an employee of the week but the prize money is down to 50 bucks that sucks I've been baking like Betty Crocker for lousy 50 bucks you know far that'll go in a strip club M I think $50 is generous ah and our employee of the week week is Janice Ramos Jan that sucks look at this I have walked almost four miles tonight we need a new truck to haul Supply fellas as your friend nicholet called me [Music] he's never oh man that's nice of you man but I told you I'm going out to eat and the sooner the better Helena will be here any second man I can't believe you iron and napkins look at you man now I got to refold it you guy to make it rough on the rest of us what are you talking about I mean between iron and napkins and cooking dinner I mean women are getting spoiled oh and there is nothing wrong with pampering your woman besides I get it all back plus a little something something extra for my trouble I don't even have to go through all that take some meor for instance she's coming to pick me up taking me out buying me dinner cuz she knows I'm the prize hey it's your your world bro the sky is purple in it but it's your world hi Eddie what's up [Music] baby oh my God Eddie it's beautiful huh fresh flowers and candles and you even ironed the napkins well uh actually you know uh it would take me you insist hey there's a reason we got two bedrooms in here now um get rid of him and join me in your room we'll work up an appetite ah man need a little favor what's that well you know s is under the impression that I did all this for her oo she's going to be upset when you tell her the truth uh that's the favor oh hell no man after all this work uh-uh look look ma'am here is $200 now uh take uh take your girl down the Morton's restaurant 645 reservation under sedra Hill $200 well man iron the napkins and all M that's extortion no that's America baby Ed I'm waiting I guess I better go take the whole wife okay credit cards everything everything [Music] on my way to the cleaners anybody need anything nope see you later oh hey wait wait wait wait a minute I need something uh what can I get you could you pick me up some mol oh hell no that's period medicine I'm a man I mean how would I look picking up feminine hygiene products like a man D help fine would buying Advil offend your masculine sensibilities get you some ass and call it a day hey hey could you get me a pack of Pokémon cards the store is right down the street from the cleaners give me the money oh I see you're not too embarrassed to buy a grown man Pokemon cards but you're too embarrassed to buy menstrual products you said the N word that's my whole D he I'm in the mood for a corn dog could you pick me one up on your way back all right a corn dog for the corn B oh I almost forgot it's Wednesday could you pick up my lottery ticket cool Malcolm you play the lottery I'm surprised you don't think it's a waste of money well it is but it's my one frivolous expenditure once a week I blow a buck on a lottery ticket I know it's out a character but I do have a wild side oh lock up your daughters Malcolm's on the loose anded you know I always play the same number every week 613 all right lottery ticket Pokemon car corn dog asper uh why don't you write it all down oh no man what I look like Ronald Reagan open m cor down what was I supposed to get [Music] myself all right guys I'm out of here ed'll be back soon ah big plans tonight well actually I'm on my way to an income tax seminar oh going to paint the town red s nothing like crunching num still done I know it sounds dry to the unenlightened but this seminar teaches you how to get away with not paying income tax ohoh that sounds interesting and illegal no it's on the open up this guy has been on all the major TV shows oh yeah I think I saw him on America's Most Wanted chuckle all you want I'm going to be the one laughing all the way through the bank ah nicholette aspir Lyn Pokemon cor on do hey oh I'm sorry man got a little hungry only took one bite though a little more cor no oh Eddie uh where's Malcolm's lottery ticket I told him I check's numbers for him damn knew I forgot something well it's too late to buy a ticket now the drawing's about to begin boy Malcolm's going to be upset please I saved him a buck of anything I mean what's the odd 613 is going to hit million to one tonight's Quick Pick lottery numbers are 6 1 3 what he said 613 I you dumb ass I know what y'all thinking you're probably right it's going to get ugly what am I to do tell him and then what sleep with one eye open I'm not going to tell him my policy with bad news is Don't Ask Don't Tell Eddie Eddie I really think you should tell him I mean I don't want to accidentally put my foot in my mouth no you don't cuz then you know where I'd have to accidentally stick my [Music] foot hey my hair my hair he man hey back ear hey you want some pizza hey it's good man free taste it oh man it's 11:30 it's a little late to be eating anchovy sausage and meatball pizza don't you think ah good point so uh how was the tax seminar Willie Nelson sing it was okay you you seem a little jittery what's wrong uh you know just uh it was it was a real stressful day you know lot them mind frankly man it ain't good for my blood pressure what are you so stressed out about you man me what did I do well you you wanted me to go buy that lottery ticket and I didn't you have you seen my heart pills and relax you probably just saved me a buck oh you ain't checked the numbers yet all right all right well night night I'm gone go to bed uh Ed Yeah by any chance did my numbers hit maida what Eddie I've been playing the same number every week for the past 2 years and now when they finally hit you tell me you forgot to buy my ticket ma calm down you blood calm down how much money would I have one five G $5,000 oh that's it Ed and you are completely unreliable and you know what I'm not going to take it anymore wait wait a second stop stop [Music] man what a nightmare let give me some poptops Comon NES hey hey what's wrong Dam man you home early yeah my pay no taxes seminar was a disaster right in the middle it gets raided by federal agents say yeah well the FED seem to be firmly convinced that income tax is constitutional oh figure man I'm beat I'm going go crash man I see you in the morning uh hold up just a second man something I got to talk to you about what's up just a sec [Music] [Applause] what are you doing man I never like that thing man clash with the couch acting kind of weird what's wrong with you I know it's just uh something happened man I'm afraid you might overreact why don't you just give me the benefit of the doubt and tell me all right uh you know that lottery ticket you wanted me to get mhm I messed up I didn't get it your numbers hit what my number is it yep and you didn't buy my ticket nope what I mean how many times you want me to say it till it makes sense and thanks to you I'm out of how much five grand but after taxes only half of that I don't care about that how could you look look and look I messed up man I'm going make it up to you you want to go to Sizzler sizler sizler perfect you see I deserve this I never should have asked you to get my ticket what's wrong with me well it's obvious that you got a few issues you need to work you are absolutely right I think it's time I get started well what what what you doing I just want to see how long you can hold your breath stop damn same dream twice that's freaky hey he hey hey hey what's wrong nothing nothing man you know you started me how' you pay no uh taxes seminar go oh not good what happened to got raided by the feds no no nothing like that turns out it was just a bunch of white guys in fatigues printing their own money talking about overthrowing the government that ain't even my kind of crap actually it was cool until I started talking Revolution then it got real quiet I left after that oh miles something I got to talk to you about what's up uh it's about the lottery ticket what about it just a say yo what are you doing man never like that thing man clash with the two pillows on the castle he what about my lottery ticket uh it's like this I forgot to buy see now what if my numbers hit they did what man I don't don't go post them man now look I'm col the check right now 5,000 look here checkbook pen writing just like that there sign $5,000 wow well thanks e it's the least I could do man well as pissed off as I am that you didn't buy my ticket I cannot put money over friendship I'm glad you cool like that man cuz that check ain't just rubber it's [Applause] Flubber what a I'm I'm tapped man I'm tapped tapped M what you doing little little Home Improvement yeah I'm going to trim away some of the Dead wood around here yeah this boy needs some working on right damn all right that's it I ain't sleeping on this couch no more cushies got some kind of Mojo oh hey he what the hell is wrong with you man what's wrong with me what's wrong with you the hell you doing home so damn early well my pay no taxes seminar was a bust I ended up in the wrong room and ended up in a seminar on how to be a dominat why' you stay they made me that's fun I'm going to bed hey Ed uh you get my lottery ticket huh lottery ticket yeah remember I asked you to buy one I'm M you and I both know the Bible says gamblers a sing where does it say that somewhere in the back hey come on where's my ticket you know me crazy crazy is forgetful I forgot to buy it how could you forget to buy my lottery ticket man it gets worse the numbers hit Call Me Irresponsible man I deserve it my number is hit yeah and you forgot to buy my ticket it's my bad man you know but don't don't overreact what you reaching for that I'm triing I thought you was going to kill me there for a moment said don't be ridiculous I'm not going to kill you they are you should have bought that ticket hey wait a second wait a second stop stop hey that's it that's I ain't going to tell him stick to my old policy don't ask don't [Music] tell hey you got my lot ticket uh lottery ticket yeah yeah I heard my numbers hit I got bad news you did buy it didn't you yes I did L it accidentally threw it away what you didn't think I was going to say nothing about it huh lard catch that's a dream I can live with oh well I guess I better go I'm waiting just take the whole W the whole the whole right the whole W are your credit cards PA up all of [Music] them took you so long with your line woman H you know you don't have to do all that like like tonight sra's coming to pick me up she's taking me out buying me dinner I know makeing nervous I'm a man I can't pick up that feminine hygiene stuff why you wondering what you would look like [Music]