Norm Macdonald Roasted Bill Clinton to his Face- Norm Macdonald Compilation

well good evening Mr President this first lady uh and the distinguished members of the radio and television Correspondence Dinner you know when I accepted the honor of Performing here tonight one thought crossed my mind and that was uh please God don't let me bomb in front of the president and of course it was very inspiring to see President Clinton up here on crutches making a speech I mean I thought was just amazing you know uh I mean it's been difficult for the president you know he can't jog now and he needs help getting around and he's still you know he still uh occasionally suffers great pain you know on the upside you got your medical marijuana so that's uh you must inhale sir it's the only way you're going to get better it's but uh but it's odd I mean I think this is the first time that I can remember that we've had a president that has hobbled you know and uh it's tough on everybody the Secret Service it's not easy on the Secret Service they have had to learn you know how to uh how to do this and uh they've been specially trained on how to lift and carry President Clinton by a top experts who've been doing this for a long time uh Boris yelson Secret Service agents they've they've stepped in to help you know I'm very nervous I don't know why before I sip this coffee actually sir how much is it how much how much would a cup of coffee cost in a place like this nothing for you nothing it's free okay great I didn't want to get you know I didn't want to see 90 ,000 on my bill later I'm sorry uh you know of course they say the white house is haunted did you know that and uh I thought this was kind of sad I heard uh last night that President Clinton uh charged Abraham Lincoln's ghost 10,000 to sleep in his own bed so that's that doesn't seem right to me you know I mean but look the president you know has come under a lot of fire for raising money but you know you know he's good at he's good at raising money that's not a bad thing every president's done it it's just the President Clinton is very very very good at it do you know he has organized in the past year over 100 fundraising dinners and over 200 fundraising midnight snacks did you know that is he laughing is he is he now but president Mr President seriously you know I know you've had to work through a lot of distractions and doing the business of running this country and I I just want to say you know that I implore you stay focused and and do the job and and and try to remember you know that that Rome was not built in a day you know I mean just ask strum Thurman he'll tell you it's it was not built in a day he's an old fella you know folks he how would you not know that you know it just occurred to me Mr President you are now handicapped and you're the president of the United States you must have an unbelievable parking spot you know that's that's got to be very close to the building you know but um you got to hand it to the president his injury is not holding him back from doing the the business of the nation you know he in fact he just nominated Major General uh Claudia Kennedy as the Army's first female three- star general and I think that's great you know she's doing a great job apparently the only thing she's having trouble with she's she's having difficulty figuring out how to sexually harass herself she doesn't know how to what's that guy yells my name for no reason I just want to say you know before uh I go that it really has been a thrill for me I joke around about the news you know but you people you do the real thing and uh you serve as our Watch Dogs and you tell the real stories that come out of this city and I for one you know think you do a a darn good job and uh as a matter of fact I have a message from uh someone who couldn't be here and wanted me to read it to to you this is from uh from Senator Bob Dole he wanted me to read this to you there it is there we this is it this is from from Senator Bob Dole ladies and gentlemen of the press the hell with all of you you cost me the damn election you can kiss my this Saturday I don't know if you're aware of it was um was 420 and so it was just it was a mad house over there April 20th no no 4 4 yeah it was April 20th but 420 you know 420 no what's that how do you know not know you've never heard of 420 well it's it's it's a big deal I mean it's like it's real popular in the culture right now and everybody's wearing 420 shirts and you see 420 420 bumper stickers and everyone's talking about it 420 is a code term used primarily in North America that refers to the consumption of cannabis and by extension a way to identify oneself with cannabis subculture observances based on the number 420 include smoking cannabis around the time 420 p.m. as well as on the date April 20th no what date is that what year this was this around 1970 no this anyway a widely discussed story says that a a group of teenagers in San Raphael California used the term in connection to a here a fall 1971 plan uh to search for an abandoned cannabis crop that they had learned about you know dogs and humans love to run because it it apparently gives them a natural high similar to that of marijuana according to the University of Arizona wow after running what are called cannaboids the chemical Fant of marijuana that gives you a feeling of euphoria are high in humans and dogs and this Ur encourages them to run again to 7-Eleven for a [Laughter] slurpie veterinarians in Colorado have reported that marijuana uses On The Rise amongst dogs they say you'll know if your dog is too high if it starts making a really tall sand they like sweets better when yes I don't know in England a woman was arrested for throwing a birthday party for her 16-year-old son that included marijuana alcohol and strippers now she's got even bigger problems what to do for his 17th birthday whatever 420 was the birthday of Austrian born German politician and the leader of the national social Socialist German Workers Party a fell went by the name of Adolf Hitler but this guy there's a picture of him Adolf Hitler very compelling kind of a figure odd looking duck but there's something about his eyes hypnotic his eyes are almost entirely black um they they he was a decorated veteran of World War I and he joined the world hold the fort he hated Jews I'm sick of these kind of characters I think we should kill Hitler me and you go suicide kill him gu like died 50 years ago probably I didn't even know he was sick he wasn't well no that's that's fine I wish I could find a Hitler of today and go kill him about two weeks ago he texted me how are you are what are you doing are you are you uh doing standup and I answered him with you know much too many words and then I didn't hear back and then last week last week I got a text and it just said I love you and I didn't say much back I just said I love you Norman and that was my last communication with him but he didn't mince words and he didn't mince emotions so he wasn't out doing [ __ ] he wasn't just out to you know oh here's the emotional moment in a ton where we're Pretend We're feeling something so we can uh one of the gifts of my life is that he loved me and that I loved him hell I'm always going to love him I mean there's not another guy like this guy but I've had this gnawing regret uh this last day and a half and it's reading all this praise for Norm which again I I believe is completely Justified and will endure um and it's been a regret that um he had he didn't get to experience this you know he took so much flak in his career he took so much [ __ ] um and yes he knew that he had fans but uh I wish you know it's a com wish for people but I wish he had been able to read the stuff that's being written about him I wish he knew how beloved he is and also um how uh in awe comedians are yeah of of what he did and what he meant and how um you know how important he was to the people who are probably the most important people in the world to him yeah you know and he uh you know I wish I wish he knew that and and and that's the one regret I I uh you know he kept he kept his illness a complete secret from everybody everybody and um and that was his choice and I respect that choice but selfishly for me I wish I had had the chance and I I wish a lot of Us wish we had had the chance to go in and tell him yeah you were uh sing artist and you've really made a huge difference and you've I mean if nothing else uh I don't I don't know of anybody that could make me laugh like that you know because so many people like pretend that they don't give a [ __ ] you know both in my business and in other businesses you got I don't give a f hey you know me I don't give a [ __ ] you know there people that advertise them like that guy clearly in the best way didn't give a [ __ ] he really cared about people and stuff but like like he did what he wanted to do and when he was on SNL how big a gig that was because there was so few channels the internet hadn't blown up yet and even with basic cable and everything I mean it was still if you were on Saturday Night Live and you were doing Weekend Update it was one of the most coveted gigs a comedian could have and you were part of this lineage of you know at that point it was uh you know Chevy Chase um Jane curtain right on through to Dennis Miller's Reign when he did it and you know I did Colin Quinn come after I think Colin came after but it was always just like the best of the best Comics that they had doing it and continued on with Tina Fay and all of them and no one's walking away from that job and some suit at NBC tells you they don't like the jokes you're doing and be funnier you know you're shaking in your I would I would be i' be like oh [ __ ] you know I'm going to lose this big gig I don't want to get fired I don't want to piss these people off or whatever I guess he was doing all those OJ jokes and somebody I forget how the story went there was somebody there that knew OJ or something and was telling him telling Norm to back off and move on to something else so what does Norm do he just doubles down and he just does even more OJ Jokes which is like you know the balls that that took to do that and he ended up losing the gig he got fired and he was and people loved him and he was [ __ ] hilarious but he you know he didn't back down to the to the to the big [ __ ] guy over there and he ended up losing the gig so you know as luck would have it I think it was Dirty Work came out like a year and a half later or so so he has to promote it he's on the Press thing so Lauren has him back and has him host the show and I remember he went out there and his opening joke his opening joke he just comes out and he was just like H yeah you know something something like this yeah good to be back you know I actually got fired from this show about a year and a half ago cuz they said it wasn't funny and uh now here I am I'm hosting the show so that means one of two things either I got a lot funnier or this show sucks [Music] [Music] and one of the things that speaks to you know I I uh was having a conversation with um Jim Downey uh and and in the in the wake of Norm's death and Jim Downey and I was trying to get to the what is it that made Norm so different and he reminded me said you know on Weekend Update we would do um there's a dress rehearsal which I know because I worked at s out live there's a dress rehearsal and he said the best way to test a joke on Weekend Update is at dress rehearsal if it does well at dress rehearsal it will do well on air uh if it doesn't do well at dress rehearsal it will bomb on air that's it's the best way to test it and he said that Norm would do a joke add dress rehearsal that they both loved and it would get nothing and when Weekend Update was over Jim would say um yeah it's too bad that joke didn't do well and Norm would say like yeah I know but we got to do it so he would do jokes yeah that he knew were going to get nothing yeah if he thought the joke was worthwhile he didn't give a [ __ ] now that is very uncommon that is very well he never pandered he didn't Pander at all and that takes um you know that's what made me think about the line you said so many years ago and and he like it it almost terrifies me his fearlessness because it was um the thing he did so many times on our show which I thought was absolutely outrageous was um he would launch into these long stories that you later you quickly realized were farmer daughter jokes Shaggy Dog Shaggy Dog stories just absolute horeshit absolute H [ __ ] stories and he would go on and on and on and I'm so happy that um the moth joke has been getting circulated so much from our Tonight Show because it is completely outrageous what he's doing uh it is um you know it's it's the it's the Tonight Show and he is telling this very long story and he's taking all the time in the world and I love it just cuz even though I was there I'm delighted every time I see it yeah I I every time I see it I'm delighted with it because what he's doing is breaks every rule you're not you're not brevity is the soul of wit that is the rule keep it you know and man he completely like Picasso blew up the form he goes and he tells this joke forever and then finally gets to this punchline and you can see that he's everyone's delighted uh but he has broken every rule in the book and I was asking uh I was talking to Lori Joe uh and I asked her if it's okay if I related this and she said it was okay but she said that not too long ago um someone asked Norm uh about the moth story that he told on on our Tonight Show and that that she said what made the guy wanted to know what made you have the nerve to do that and that he said that you know was that goddamn Frank Smiley he said I was only supposed to do one segment and then suddenly in the commercial break Frank came over and said like you're doing another one because whenever I had Norm I was greedy I wanted more Norm I always wanted more norm and so he didn't know that he was that we were going to ask him to do a second segment he had nothing planned absolutely nothing planned so as recently it's like not that long ago I think this was a couple of months ago he was telling somebody uh damn it was Frank Smiley hey get back out there Conan wants more so he heard that joke from Colin Quinn uhhuh and he did the segment and it was you had seven minutes prepared yeah and um and so he basically um you say you know and then he's done you say we'll be right back with more norm and he goes I've got nothing to say yeah so then he uh he remembered the Colin joke and it was a 202nd joke so he asked you how long is the segment uh and he was hoping you'd say 20 seconds right but you said 7 Minutes y so it became a 7 minute yeah and he's doing that this has to be understood he's doing this on the fly so his way slow it down that he came up with on the Fly is he invents it's a check off play it's a check off play with Russian names with Russian names and there's a sadness an ineffable sadness in life Weighing on the character's soul and and I'm thinking you know uh who I've never met anybody who would take that chance uh and make that choice and I'll never meet anybody like him again he was the ballsiest comedian in the history of comedians he well he was taking that and he was saying like the joke doesn't matter like that you know he would watching that seeing that clip again you're you're getting to see his brain he's just showing you his brain and the notion that this is that the joke is the thing the joke isn't the thing no it's the journey it's taking stroll through this guy's brain and hearing the choices that he makes and what he has to say and you know and I think that that was like kind of what like there was so much of like what he you know would say like well that doesn't matter this matters you know and and What mattered to him was his own self-expression was his own was spreading his own kind of genius and his own point of view like there's a clip out he did some roast and I and I remember seeing it at the time I can't remember who it was that he was roasting but all his jokes are things it Bob Saget was it Bob Saget and it was unbelievable it was it but all the jokes were things like you know Bob often has a lot of things on you know Bob often has things on his mind it's when he's wearing a hat like there all these dad jok intentionally bombed and then I I didn't even know this but I remember feeling like okay Norm I mean you know these are funny and this is and you're funny doing them because you can't help it be funny but this is feels a little hostile you know like why why are you breaking from what this you know you were invited to a costume party and you came you know in a tux you know whatever he didn't play by the rules of the thing turns out the producers told him really go for it really get him and Norm was like ah yeah going to tell me what to do I here I'll do this I'll do the softest lamest dad jokes I can come up with yeah and it was just a [ __ ] you to the producers it was looked weird at the time it was funny in a way but it still was just like it was Norm doing what the [ __ ] he wanted to do it was still hilarious and Norm is it's like Norm couldn't not be funny yeah about that Regular Show it is hosted by Norm McDonald of Saturday Night Live and Norm is with Linda con right now you know Norm I'm I'm kind of concerned we're 30 minutes from showtime and I can only hope you're a quick dresser I'm dressed that's what you're wearing yeah I thought you know well it's well it's a look uh you know with an award show don't you think acceptance speeches are the key to a successful award show what do you look for in an acceptance speech what do I look for gloating you know laughing at the other the people who lost you know our viewers might be concerned about your athletic ability do you think it's key for a host to have athletic ability um yeah I don't work out I haven't worked out for um forever I never worked out really but you know what I look good when when I was young that was when I was in my Prime shape when I was like one I swear to God people would I even like young for my age people would go what are you zero true not true all right Norm good luck good luck all right good luck to you too thanks nice outfit hey thanks glad you like the blue sexy we like the [Music] look live from Radio City Music Hall [Music] pray for you sports fans it's time again the awards here on ESPN inks on ice on fields and the courts tonight we rejo in the greatest of sports CL and mad Pro once and for all who the best pitchers are they got Major League balls the wrings and stars have had a hell of a year but for the rest of the leag get the fck out of [Music] here those bronos they really kick John over and you our n allar score when they wish they take it to the and go swish swish swish n h l w b a n f l l b g a [Applause] sport all right all right all right that's enough that's enough of this the hell are you doing for god sakes the [Applause] SES are you supp today uh hockey player yeah you're a hockey player get the hell out of here what's wrong with you this is insane what kind of joint are you running here trying to do the SS here for God's sakes we got good mind of Vander [Applause] hollyfield H here why are you doing in A Chorus Line you got a problem with that a problem no no I don't here hey what's happening baby holy [Applause] Lord my you too are you kidding me dancing in Radio City this is better than a final four baby it's awesome baby well I was wrong I guess I've learned what the SPs are really all about singing and dancing for sport again [Applause] a now your host nor McDonald thank you very much well thank you very much I'm very excited to be here you know and I was asked to uh host the SS this year yeah hi that's my name es when I was asked to host the espies this year folks I said yes immediately for one reason and one reason only uh this show has interns [Applause] probably having little improper relations backstage a little later but man it's great to be here at the sixth annual ESP award it's hard to believe huh that the ESP are six years old [Applause] although although Anthony Mason swears they're 18 so yeah he'll be having sex with the espies in about 12 years so I was a little late here tonight I took the cab to the theater folks and I don't know if you ever been these New York City cabs but I got one of those cab he couldn't speak English you know saw his name there on the the dash I couldn't even pronounce it I think it was something like Hideki or rabu like that Arab's been having some trouble man they fired his translator Ste fir his translator and people say see that as cruel you know but I don't know you know I mean if you're not doing well in Yankee Stadium you know do you really need a translator do you want that you know you know hey what did they say they say you suck you should go back to Japan you dirty Foreigner okay I got it I'm trying to pitch over here it's great to be here on ESPN I love sports man I got man you can see Sports on ESPN you don't see on other other networks you know like kickboxing that's my favorite sport kickboxing is great when you think about it it combines the style and grace of boxing with uh with kicking seems got an inventure just backstage a lot of celebrities back there man I was talking to Jerry Jones you know the Cowboys owner and he's disappointed obviously yeah he's a good guy though man he's he's talking about rebuilding the team you know and he told me he says we have to get back to what made us a championship team strippers and crack hey have you heard about this Ted Turner and NBC plan to start their own rival Football League to compete with the NFL and not much knowing about the specifics of this new league except for this uh it will suck they know that so they might have trouble you know getting advertisers when we know it will suck and of course congratulations to the Denver Broncos for winning the Super Bowl how about that that's [Applause] yeah Denver did great you know there he is I love the Denver fans you know because for one thing they don't wear food on their heads that's nice and they had a wild celebration in Denver after that Super Bowl man and now City officials expect an even Wilder celebration uh if the Nuggets win 10 games this year they say they're going to say the whole City's going to go nuts yeah the nuggets are having a bad year this year man matter of fact they're making a film about the team they got a pretty catchy title it's uh black men can't jump either well NBA Allstar Weekend over that was exciting man the East beat the West Jeff horachek won the Three-Point Shootout Houston's Clyde Drexler and Cynthia Cooper won that exciting two ball thing and Charles Barkley won the throw a guy through a plate glass window contest so that [Applause] was that was quite a game you know I mean you know who impressed me the most yesterday was Kobe Bryant unbelievable this guy this guy's amazing 19 years old the youngest starter ever in the allstar game and he played so well that today he was named spokesman for NBC's new public service campaign called uh screw it who needs College of course the biggest story in basketball no question about it Michael Jordan May [Applause] retire yeah Michael Jordan May retire after this season and it's terrible news for bull fans you know but it is terrific news for golf Hustlers they're happy about it but Jordan is very serious though about leaving in fact he's already called the Hall of Fame to make sure that his plaque Bears his basketball nickname a Jordan and not his baseball nickname Senor crappy that would just be disrespectful you know well how about them Winter Olympics they're finally underway so we've got a lot of great stuff to look forward in the next two weeks like uh hockey and uh well just hockey really I was watching last night as speed uh speed skating and uh my goodness you know could The Outfits they wear be any tighter holy Lord there was an East German woman I swear you can see the outline of her entire penis it was oh my goodness well there's all kinds of sports celebrities in the audience there I see Tiger Wood right there Tiger Woods how about that [Applause] huh yeah yeah he's up for gol of course he's up for golf of the year uh this uh this SS and you know who I feel sorry for folks is the other two guys nominated for golfer of the year you see these guys getting ready you know it's like hey honey have you seen my tuxedo no no not the good one the one I wear when I'm going to get my ass kicked have you seen that one yeah Boomer as in is with us Boomer how you doing Budd Boomer of course will replace Frank Gord on Monday Night Football next season and [Applause] uh Frank Frank told reporters that this will allow him to spend more time with his wife and children then he broke down and cried for 45 minutes so there's Charles Woodson how about that I what a season he [Applause] has great Manny he became the first defensive player to win the Heisman Trophy and congratulations Charles that is something that no one can ever take away from you unless you kill your wife and a waiter in which case all bet are option it's a word of advice folks before we can begin handing out our Awards tonight we must look what's going on Norm I've not seen you in forever you look you look great likes me a lot yeah they all love you they love you my audience loves you what's happening what's new your hair is short you look great yeah I got short I got a haircut when this is a very uninteresting subject uh yeah but it looks good it caught me off guard yeah yesterday oh wow yeah well it's short that makes sense yeah how's the family how's everything going oh great man couldn't be better life is uh is fantastic yeah I like life man you do really oh my God people complain about it first of all you're lucky you're lucky enough to be alive when you think about it you know what I'm saying your mother had to have sex with your father that your grandparents had to have sex Grand great grandparents had to have sex it's lucky you're alive my God it's amazing and I'm so happy every day I'm alive because it's just a fluke there so many many more people that never got to be alive and that's an interesting point I guess you're right if you do the math so when people car up about it I'm like man it's the greatest gig in the world being live you get to you get to eat a Denny's wear a hat whatever you want to yeah get haircuts It is Well good I'm glad life is going well I know you're a big fan you competed in the World Series of Poker in the celebrity event no in the real the real deal Real Deal how was that um well it was sort of a nightmare I was halfway through the first day I was the massive chip leader right and I which means you doing great yeah it was first place uh 8,800 people and then I threw it all away you see that like it still tortures you to this day what happened was it all in one hand did you just go all in with something that you shouldn't have was it your bluffing were no I was just uh I had pocket aces and the guy had Jack Queen he beat me but uh so be it I was going for number there's two ways of playing it right you can go to trickle into the money or you can go for first place so I was going for first place yeah you like to play poker though right that was that I like it okay yeah yeah all right I play a lot I got a little addicted to it on the internet I was playing like six games at once for seven eight hours a day yeah all right so you like it a little bit Yeah I uh saw the poker area at one of the casinos in Vegas and it's very uh it's very bright it's very sterile you can't like swear you can't smoke and I'm thinking well there's no way Norm could really be into this poker thing because those are two of your favorite things to do I got a lot of penalties at the World Series for smoking for swearing because like you know your races get cracked and you go and you know and then it's like it's a 20-minute penalty for each word so I'm like that for an hour and a half you know but they let you back in yeah they let you in after an hour and a half what if you're swearing W smoke sming 10 cigarettes at once it's so insane that you can't swear smoke because everybody there is a degenerate Gambler that smokes and S yeah it's a weird rule that they have there it's very strange I played the celebrity poker that was the hardest of all well you go on the TV and um poker is not that hard but identifying these other celebrities almost that should really be its own sort of gamble right I want to bet on the fact that I'm not quite sure that that guy is in Creed I don't know I'll bet $1,000 I think he that was the better juice factor in they don't get they get peripheral celebrities like me not like matlock's going to be on the so you know you get like the I had to get brief there because everybody's 20 they're like that's the guy of course don't you know him he's on that police station uh he plays Detective Johnson so I remember I was I really enjoy your work on Poli station that time you right got that crook heign Norm it's me it's John Stamos what's with you you don't recognize me no John Stamos is a great man he's a good guy you know John St sure I know him I know him all right that guy gets the ladies he does yeah some guys get the ladies I'm telling you man and it's it's you ever know these guys maybe in high school or something or college it didn't you couldn't figure out why they did it but they could get the ladies maybe they weren't the handsomest guy but somehow like I had a guy friend of mine bill this guy he could get any I'm not exaggerating when I say this every night he would have a different lady and they'd be beautiful and finally I asked the guy said what's your secret you know he said I'm a serial rapist right well that's a that hardly counts you know yeah nor let me ask I tried the rufies once actually did you you that you that as a technique of dating yeah because I said ah these girls you go and you you feed them a nice ham hamb burger and then uh that's not enough nothing happened so I said I'll try these roofies right they didn't work at all man I couldn't even remember anything I woke up three days later my ass hurt I don't know what happened I don't this is the second night in the row we can't Heir any of this this will be the greatest website interview ever none of this will make air they're just J let me ask you about you grew up in Canada everybody in Canada speaks French but your father he forbid you from learning French yeah yeah everybody in Quebec where I grew up Quebec City about 99% French a few English people and yeah my dad you know the English hate the French is guts and uh so my dad wouldn't let me uh learn French why because he hated the French and so you in school you could take either French or Latin and I took Latin and in Quebec City it turns out there's no ancient Romans that's right so I got beat up a lot by French guys which is about the most humiliating thing that could ever happen to you right aside from losing a celebrity poker to the guy from the cop show um let me ask you about there's a couple of shows coming on NBC this year that both deal with SNL where you spent some time uh one of them is a drama one of them is a comedy uh do you plan on watching Studio 60 or 30 Rock you excited about these shows it seems odd that there's two shows that are uh backstage of the same show Saturday Night Live right and uh I don't even know if anybody watches Saturday Night Live let alone backstage of Saturday I know they weren't watching when I was on it I thought you were great on Saturday night life what do you mean do you watch it now I thought it was great on S around live too do you ever go back do you ever go back to uh the SNL Stadium yeah I love it you know because ever since I was a kid I watch s around live and I always loved it you know and I still love it I always go uh every time I'm in New York I go and see the guys and stuff it's fun to go back there right oh yeah you were there yeah I was there sure you know was hang out I know what's going on um this is the comedy CD that nor put out and it's great but it's different than what I thought when I first put it I thought it was going to be sort of a traditional comedy CD but I actually enjoy this much better you mean like stand they wanted me to stand up it's not stand up yeah I didn't want you to stand up because when I was a kid like I I I listen to chich and Chang and uh my python that and uh it'd be cool cuz I'd like you know my parents didn't know and it was dirty and stuff like that and stuff like that so uh I always wanted to do album like that you know that uh it's not for kids they're like sketches but they're much much dirtier they're really filthy and this album is not for kids but it's for kids yeah but if you're a kid go get it it seems like when you listen to this and it's cool because it's it takes you back to like how people probably listen to radio in the 50s or whatever it's very sort of theatrical it's very funny and and dirty the mind it is it is like when you know I'm I'm an older fell you know I'm in my late 60s now when I was when I was young things were different Carson you know like like pot was something that you know you cook your eggs in you know what I'm saying right yeah it wasn't hash was something that you you'd eat with your eggs you know put some hash on the side you know what I'm saying acid you know was something that you'd uh you know throw in a guy's face if he made a pass to your wife you know what I mean it's all different it's all different when did you grow up in the 40s yeah I'm an all ecstasy you know what was ecstasy ecstasy was that feeling that surged through your body when you threw a bunch of acid in the guy's face it's all it's changed and what I like about this album like you said the Hidden Track what do you yeah it's the Hidden Track and then they they didn't why did you put it as track 13 yet it says Hidden Track they told me they'd hide it Hidden Track I know then they put it in but uh that's ridiculous but the theat of the mind what I was going to say about it is what is so great when I was a kid we had no uh TV we had no TV we had the radio sure and you see you had to use your mind you had to use your imagination and and my dad would collect the kids around and we'd listen to the radio and we had to use our mind especially with the hardcore pornography what show was that what show is it yeah what show the the name of the show yeah that the family was huddled around in the 30s when you were growing up I think it the porn was being red I can't remember and you had to imagine it all the name of the show yeah Amos and Annie yeah that's one that's that's what I was thinking of those are I like to go down to the radio now I don't believe you should be doing that all right all [Applause] right it's great to go down that Museum of radio and TV have you ever done that yeah sure and you can go and you can just basically uh call up any great old television show or radio show and and and re oh yeah yeah it's beautiful it's un yeah we well we'll look for that amamos and Andy uh all right you Canna hang out we have Amy smartest you ever met I love Amy did you meet her I I met her and I'm a big fan of her she's smart and uh it's not a that wasn't a joke it's not even on here you know when I was asked to host the Canadian screen Awards I called my good friend Chris Rock and I said to him I've got some great news Chris I'm going to Canada and he said I've got some great news too I'm hosting the Oscars what are you doing in Canada and I said you know visiting some family friends the usual Chris is very presentational you know and uh Chris talks about racial things and uh one person does something they get cancelled somebody else does the exact same thing nothing you know what I'm talking about you know like the kind of people that play Michael Jackson songs but won't play R Kelly same crime one of them just got better songs see there was a number of artists and people who so for instance um Gary Glitter yes was caught doing inappropriate things and his music career you know correctly right right rightly sort of ended almost over maybe did you have if it had been T-Rex who had committed those crimes I still think no CU I have a theory it's to do it's to do with the quality of the music see with Jack we didn't wipe Jack because we didn't want to go wedds and have Billy je so if the music was better in the cas of glitter I think we'd have all I mean it felt like the entire world sort of turned their back on the on the on the Jacko accusations right and just said well anything he didn't start doing this pre dangerous so we can listen to everything right Robert Kardashian help to free OJ Simpson a black football playing murderer woo OJ Simpson killed two white people and got away with it that's another kind of black Excellence during a recent interview in 2020 longtime OJ Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believes Simpson may be guilty though he did add that had he believed OJ was guilty at the time he never would have agreed to hide his bloody clothes and knife at is civil in Los Angeles this week OJ Simpson attorneys began their case with an attack on Nicole Brown Simpson's character outrage Brown family lawyers responded quote Nicole is a victim no matter what she did she certainly did not cut her own throat to which simpsons's attorneys replied on the contrary that is precisely what we intend to prove a down andout OJ Simpson depressed that all of his money-making ideas have failed has decided to go back to doing what he does best killing people you remember Leno Jason's younger than us so he probably thinks of Leno is terrible but remember but Leno was the best you know probably still probably still ising him yeah so so he was probably the funniest but he had a joke one of his jokes in Zach do you remember this joke I'm sure you remember this joke but he'd say um he'd say I can't do I can do L like everybody else I guess I go I'll try I've never done them I've never tried ex why will that come out so he goes uh he goes uh such goof he goes uh I know they [Music] get he goes he was on car you know when he go on Letterman you'd be really funny and he go he they got uh N I was reading that the the number one reading material in all of America is a reader is a TV Guide is this consider reading material there ladies and gentlemen TV Guide is there a guy down smoking his pipe reading you know in his armchair and his wife's like he's like I'll be right up bunny I'm just finishing who's the who's on this week on crosswits the guys from America were unbelievable and it was you and it was Leno and Leno like was at the peak Jay Jay Leno my dad would call him Jay Leno and Jay Leno this is how this is how the thing went B the gala all these acts and then you and then Seinfeld oh but then Leno and then they go there's a guy to follow Leno and a Frenchman came out a a guy from Quebec city named andere Philip G and he did a whole bunch of different voices yeah I remember that guy he a good impression I haven't done very many I've only done one standup special now other guys have done but um um I was influencing in this by Jay Leno who when I started was the top like Elvis you know so Jay Leno he never did a standup special there is no HBO special of Jay Leno which is surprising because Jay Leno who I feel knows more about comedy than anyone standup comedy told me when I started he said whatever you do don't do a special because they only give you so much money and he had it amortised out how much his jokes made but he explained to me why because he has his jokes and he had amortised it out that his jokes were worth so much you know a piece over a year you know 50,000 to 100,000 but he and he wasn't going to do a SP because remember his act when it was like at its best it was just like 90 minutes it was like Elvis or something every line destroyed you remember that yeah and so he had it figured out like every joke had made him like 50,000 of jok so he wasn't going to do no HBO specials he did specials didn't he never did one single no he did specials but they weren't stand-up specials mhm well were they um you know they were just kind of comedy sketches and stuff I think if I remember correctly when you see him in person though he's a great monologist on television that can find him he stalks the stage runs his hands through his hair and he's funny very funny but then like you say Leno come in and he's like Bruce Springstein mean he gives it all and uh rapid fire too yeah so funny and so giving to the audience and you talk about humility there's a guy with grand humility for for having possessed such a a high job all three of you have hosted talk shows Jay did tonight's show nor did nor Norman you did it you were host of a show you want to look at a clip Natasha did tubin with Tosh I think I I'm living the clip and uh any pointers for me here we go I'm six weeks in I'm out of ideas any pointers Norm anything Jay is the king of yeah maybe the best to ever do it true no no no not not J J L nor McDonald who new program a minute with Stan Hooper debuts on Fox tomorrow at 8:30 up against the factor man I don't know I know it's not easy we want them to tape Stan Hooper and watch the fact I was going to mention earlier cuz I know this is a no Spin Zone you bet and in the kosi thing I saw a little bit of spinning little bit little bit and I'd like to say I was also a shareholder of Tao and I did get invited to the party in Sardinia you did yeah and you didn't miss anything that guy with the giant Wings made a clumsy pass at me over by the sculpture I thought you might have been the sculpture there for a minute but I know know now you were a Saturday Night Live okay it was a good gig for you Weekend Update and all of that then you did the the norm show sir I never got to see the norm I never watched it either no no one did and it was gone it was G um you know an interesting thing is that uh even if a a even if no one watches a show right uh it still gets ratings like a million people watch the show because uh people just don't turn their TVs off is that right so if there's nobody in the room it still flicks in I guess that's what's happening in CNN I don't know but anyway the uh the this show how do you get two shots because most people don't get any shots you know how many comedians there are out in la oh trying to troll to get a show and this is this is another show starring you how'd you do it I just I think the pure Raw Talent yeah they just saw it in you huh yeah there's no uh there's no uh there's no substitute for that they had to have you fox demanded nor McDonald get get him how much control you have over this vehicle Romano controls his show Romano Ray Romano Ray Romano of course you know right not as talented as you but he's coming on he's coming on um how much control you got over this show well uh I got a lot of control over it I uh I don't rehearse so I write all week do you write yeah you write the show how many other writers with you uh five uh and they crack Staff All right so the show's going to have an edge cuz you're that's what kind of stuff you do no it's not going to have an edge no this going to be a bland kind of Azie and harri ripoff no sir it's going to be a Green Acres ripoff I can just see you in the overalls yeah um you play uh a commentator on television I play a commentator I hate those guys yeah yeah yeah I don't care for him either I play a guy that works in New York you understand and he does his minute every week virt Andy roone not Andy Rooney he's not a humorist he he extols the virtues of small town life like Mr Charles OSG good W and uh but he's very disconnected he you know he goes to parties at William paley's house you look a little like o good you know run that picture back can you put it next to nor yeah I can that's you in uh eight years after you work for fox that's how you're going to agid okay believe me I've been here seven years that's how you I don't look like that I'm trying to look like that so you moved to a small town in Wisconsin right yes sir okay and that's going to be funny I'm going to be uh amused by that I'm not going to spin you no you're not going to care for it at all all right now you hit it big and then you get the residuals and all of that the Simpson money rolling in you don't hit it big you care um well first of all uh I believe the uh the Actors and The Simpsons I don't think Bart got one penny of that no but the guy who did his voice oh I'm sorry yeah I get a lot of money after that but I'm not in it for the money what are you in it for the money I am in for I I know you are I was going to spin yeah no you can't this is the no spin I know I keep forgetting you know you can use that in Stan Hooper if you want yeah you can use that kind of stuff and I wouldn't demand any money okay cool um Saturday Night Live uh do you watch anymore yes sir I do you do is it as good when now as when you were there no well because you're not there basically because I'm not right but you do watch it yeah I watch it because I've lost kind of contact with it and mean I think it's maybe a generational thing it is a generational thing I'm I'm 61 years old young I say 61 years I say 61 years experienced and uh and when I watch the show I don't even know what they're doing uh parodies of because they're doing parodies of like MTV shows that yeah I mean they're they're Jewel they're making fun of and I have no idea so I'm sitting here um when you do this uh fox show um if it is successful are you going to change am I going to change yeah are you going to be the same guy you are now humble guy I'm going to be the same Dirty son of a [ __ ] as I am now right thank you this is live tonight we appreciate well that's not that's not swearing no no of course not no that's just I think that's part of the that's Fox we're going to see that in Stan Hooper aren't we no we're not going to use such a language nor McDonald good luck with the show tonight Dennis Miller is taking a lavish vacation as is his want so we turn to Another Saturday Night Live alum for words of wisdom this evening join from Los Angeles man about town Norm McDonald good to see you Norm Happy New Year to you sir oh happy New Year I hope you had a merry Christmas we had a great Christmas and uh we were uh we were saying Merry Christmas quite often and uh yeah in LA in La there uh I mean I know you've maybe won the culture award but in La it's it's it's still a little Secular Progressive I I had carolers come to my house and and I have a feeling they may have been atheists because of some of the carols they sang like they Sayang uh nothing Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and uh heart the heral Johnson sings Yeah they couldn't get the god in there you know and that's the age we live in that there are certain parts of the country that uh just not going to get into the Christmas spirit now are you a I love Christmas I I I don't like to uh to say I'm a Democrat or Republican because I have uh I don't subscribe CRI to either you know like I'm very pro-life but I'm against the death penalty so I don't know what you'd call that well pro- life means that you want people to live and if you're a death against a death penalty that's consistent um but so you're an independent like I am you you want the best person in has anybody vote for the person has anybody impressed you so far any of the presidential candidates impressed you so far yeah I love John McCain he's uh he was my favorite eight years ago um but even eight years ago he was the old guy back then so I don't know I don't know he's but he's spry you know he's he's he's elderly but he's spry you know I mean I think he's got more energy than Fred Thompson who's not quite as old as he is yeah no Fred Thompson looks like he's always falling asleep but uh I do think that if if the surge continues to be successful it is possible that if MC gets the nomination that he could actually win uh I think that any of these guys could win at this point um because it's so fluid and if you take Iraq as you pointed out off the table you take that away then the ideologues their influence diminishes and people will have to evaluate which candidate has the best plan now Hillary Clinton obviously a lightning rod um the Hollywood Community is is what 80% liberal and they're kind of split between Hillary and Obama how do you see this you're out there you you Schoo with these people well I've watched Hillary on the campaign trail and I must say she has some image change or something she looks to me much more lifelike so and uh and also ladylike she seems like a she almost seems like a live lady now well they've softened Her Image you know because she was coming across as a little Margaret Thatcher is you know what I mean do what I say I'll kick your butt and now they're trying to say do what I say or somebody else will kick your butt not me cuz I don't want to get my hair messed up but the the Obama Hillary Hollywood conflict see they're they're all liberal but they just don't know which way to go out there and I feel their pain don't you yeah I I know Obama is this guy's like a freight trainer now that Dennis gusich has said that he might throw his support man he's going to be unstoppable with that that's right so that's at least six six or seven votes that Sean Penn that's the that's that's the equivalent of me throwing my delegates behind them now when you I think I think cinic is is just barely above Amad dinon on the polls right now yeah do cinic and aadin out are running neck and neck and um but we like cinic no matter what you think about his politics he's a standup guy now Miller loves Giuliani Miller is like Giuliani guy what do you think about the mayor well I I I'm he's Pro I mean he's pro-choice which is a little bit of a problem with me but I remember when I was in New York and my God he changed that City around like crazy uh he did such a great job and I remember like my friends complaining they were like oh Time Square you know it lost all its character but I lived in New York during that time and Time Square was just just prostitutes and junkies and serial kill prowling our I mean there was you know it wasn't character it wasn't like that's the liberal Junction good that's Secular Progressive Heaven you just described there Norm that's what they want come on it's diversity man it's diversity that's right nor McDonald thanks for filling in for Miller we appreciate it Happy New Year to you Norm uh Norm I'm I'm sleeping with your wife you son of a [ __ ] [ __ ] huh you sleep with my [ __ ] wife you son of a [ __ ] cracks sucker you [ __ ] you're my best [ __ ] friend Adam godamn you [ __ ] I [ __ ] kill you you sleeping that's what you were doing on [ __ ] Friday night where you at [ __ ] bastard you see okay uh I apologize we had some technical difficulties uh got a little carried away I I got to apologize I feel partially respons ible so what the what was that you don't even have a wife you don't even have a wife that's true I never was the Maran kind okay we're ready to pull the classic vodka and funnel prank yeah you swallow that you [ __ ] you drink that down you don't [ __ ] spit that out yeah you like it you [ __ ] drink it [ __ ] swallow [ __ ] what the [ __ ] is Adam OT yeah could you come in please what's up how to go I just wanted to uh I just wanted to compliment you yes you have a very nice tie and I like your shirt Louisville Slugger oh God you see I car enough to use a brand name that's right Dandy why don't you just say Brand X you bum it's called authenticity you're not worth a bent Penny you damn just got to do something though um what you have like somewhere to be no no no I just got to do something oh good Christ almighty that is a lot of pain oh God you're kicking me in the belly why oh please stop okay fair enough just don't kick me in the face so the fellas are blessed Adam e Where Have You Been turns out I uh in a jiffy the wig came off you could have by the way why the hell did it take you so long I had to talk to Gayla for 10 minutes you got that Venom yeah you [ __ ] suck that [ __ ] Venom yeah you want to spit it out you got [ __ ] mouth Lord [ __ ] shoot it all your face fuing you [ __ ] oh thanks dude didn't get any of that in my mouth yeah no problem man we'll be back with Simon hbert you [ __ ] sit down [Music] for vam vamin B [Music] [Music] fore fore spee [Music] [Music] foree [Music] [Music] foree [Music] 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