Oksana Masters: Full Interview

Starbucks do you still go to Starbucks I do yeah I do for like fruit fruit drinks not for coffee because I don't know if I should say this on a record but for coffee coffee their espresso it's not my favorite but I thought about uh emailing him like with your story and then Paris telling them what that manager said when you needed to uh oh choose yeah that I won't have a job yeah yeah that was I want to start with the Paralympics but uh outside of competing what are you looking forward to in Paris outside of competing um I love carbs so definitely bagett like my we were we did a course Recon of our course where we're going to compete on and all I wanted to do was just eat a croissant and carry a baguette in a little in a toe bag so that's it's not the most obviously see the sightseeing stuff but I do have a promise to myself making if I end up on the podium or if it's in the middle of the podium and I win gold I'm going to buy my first Chanel bag in Paris I love Chanel so much it's a quote that's in my high school yearbook and I live by a quote by her did explain the quote the quotes to be Irreplaceable one must always be different and that is a quote when I read it it made me start seeing like all the things that I was so different everyone saying you're different you look weird it made me reframe the word different and how it different doesn't have to be bad it's just you're irreplaceable because it's different and it's cool in fashion why can't it be cool in our bodies and the way we are in society and I've always honestly like loved Coco Chanel even though she was a little had her own stuff going on because like I never really identified with sports figures because I never saw myself as that but she was an yes I never saw anyone that had no legs that's doing sports you can't you don't see it how do you know you can be that kind of thing so like even though I admired them I'm like oh that's cool I'll never do that but what I connected with her story was well I know what it's like to be an orphan I know what it's like to want to create a name for yourself and do something so much bigger and then where you were and make something mean your life mean something and I connected to that whole thing and yeah now here we are in Paris and I'm hope I'm chasing a Coco Chanel bag my coach I told him all you need to do on the sideline at the Finish is put that bag up aide of that bag and I will do a PR Sprint all out so what are the goals for the games it's tough because the goals are obviously to defend the two unexpected events that I want in Tokyo but I just really really want to win a time trial cuz that's kind of like my weakness right now and I really want to win that race I don't I'm really bad at okay explain that well it's like I I just I'm not I'm not built I'm not the I'm the smallest writer I'm not the biggest one and because I transition from winter and summer for a time trial specialist you just have to train so perfectly in everything and I'm just not good at at time trials I don't know what it is and it's like a ment component it's a race against you and the clock but I just don't trust myself I don't trust the L why don't you trust yourself I guess like I think like trust comes from believing in a way like if you believe in yourself then you trust yourself to execute and you trust yourself to be able to achieve what you envision for yourself and I I I know I'm My Own Worst critic I know I'm like the hardest person on myself and I mean like a lot of people don't realized but when I started Sports I I was an athlete that had to learn how to lose I didn't make the teams I didn't make the paralympic games right away or the national teams or get that gold medal in my first games it was like so I learned how to lose first but it was for me okay because I know that feeling I know how it's like to always be on the bottom with and have to fight against everything because of my experiences in life that might be my greatest weakness as well it's like my greatest strength because I push myself so much but there comes a point like you can't like I it's going to hurt me not to believe in myself too and that's honestly like 70% of a race right there I was talking to your mom Fear of failure yesterday and she's like uh even today oano will just start beating herself up like really good like you know I can't do this anymore if I don't go I'm to lose all my sponsors and so you'll you'll kind of allow yourself to get to that place today too from what I understand but she argued that it's intentional on your end because you know that's what will help you no that's how she's saying it okay that's no my fear is that like and there's so many different I think it's like the fear of failure and the fear of loss and it's like something that's ingrained from I know what it's like to not have anything and to have something and to not I get so scared when when it's so good and everything feels so nice you don't trust it I don't trust it it's it's a matter of time before it's gone and that's kind of how I've always which isn't which is bad I know it's not healthy at all but it's impossible to not think about that when I have witnessed so much loss firsthand and felt it and that's my like imagine if you're growing up and all those childhood memories that you have when you go home to visit your parents and stuff are coming back and you remember all these happy things what if your first childhood memory is no sense of security in a in love and hugs and kisses and parents and people looking out for you and food so all I knew of the world was survival and not having that that that became my normal like that's all I knew and it's so hard to transition to go from that to have this I'm like well when is this going to go back to what it was and how everything was starting for me and it's so interesting too because even if the majority of your life has only been yeah positivity and security it's those formative years that uh you know make uh all all the difference we're going to talk about some of that a little later on that's what she started saying she's like I get it it's part of your process you're going to do this and then you're going to start line and you just go and then like I think that's what she says to tell herself to like oh my God just let her do her thing yeah I've been told uh not to play you in Risk oh my gosh I'm competitive doesn't matter if it's on the start line or it's a board game I had one rule for everybody and that's do not take over Ukraine and Aaron and everyone's like do you not understand what the premise of the game is so I set myself up for failure right from the start because I put all my pieces on Ukraine and I was like come at me come for Ukraine I dare you my poor teammate Andy he he was like I'm so sorry oana and then he invades Ukraine and then I'm I don't even remember it I kind of blacked out but I do remember like the board game yes and then I just lost it a little B one rule he had only one rule he could take over anything else but he went there um all right so what is uh what is Training Routine the training routine in TA today um so right now we're about 3 months out and I'm still kind of condensing and doing the type of volume training that my competitors did in the winter so it's like a lot of longer rides 3 to 4 Hour rides we just got done doing World Cup in Europe right now so now um preparing for the qualifying race um for Paris and that's what's so scary is because I know I'm like here and my competitors are right here in their journey to like being the fittest Athlete on the bike and so it's a little bit of like oh gosh like this is really like I'm not ready and I start to second guess my coach and second guess myself and but like like I'm really trying to this will be my seventh games if I make it to just truly trust the process and that's the one thing I have confidence in my coach he's made the impossible possible for me and the results and the outcomes happen in the most unexpected ways possible and it's just reminding myself of like okay just one bad day doesn't mean it's going to be like this for the next three months in what ways is a training for cycling more difficult Training for Cycling well for starters from skiing to cycling time investment that like it's all like our races are for cycling like can be 3 hours long or longer for the road race for skiing the biggest difference though is the body so I'm using my muscles to propel myself with pulling but for cycling it's pushing and so I have to retrain and rest strengthen all the muscles and I was doing that this winter where I was in the morning would get up at like 5: in the morning would do an hour fasted ride and then I would go do my ski workout and then in the evening do an easier cool down for on the bike but it keeps me on my toes all the time because I'm starting over and so that hunger and that determination to be better and to make those gains fast is bigger if I was just focusing on cycling how much of a miracle is it your Accident prone mom was talking about that you can even uh cycle because of like your finger right oh yeah well I'm accident prone even if I had two real legs I'm I'm just very much accident prone but last season two seasons ago I fell and in a race in a ski race right before the season started and I damaged this my left hand was my strongest hand my middle finger was my strongest finger because I don't have the normal Anatomy on it I break it I don't really realize how what damage I did to it but I knew I had to finish that race so because I skied on that and it dislocated and ripped off all the ligaments and everything and attendons on it because I finished it for 15 more minutes I made a whole lot of damage so it took me off the whole season now I like as if I needed another scar in my hand now I have another scar in my hand but at least this one's a cool one but it took three surgeries to repair it and it still didn't work because of my anatomy's undoing the repair the thing with my hands is they're curling in and so like doctors when I was younger said you're not going to be able to have use of your hands probably until past 25 they'll curl in and you can't use your hands at all and obviously I'm about to be 35 I don't like saying that still that's a big number and I still am using it but it's causing a lot of damage so the biggest transition from on the bike was I used to break with that middle finger and so I had to relearn how to hold a ski pole and how to hold a grip my shifters and my brakes all have to be on one hand because it was my strongest hand it makes it harder to build something and I could not safely break at all my hands make me feel so disabled sometimes not my legs my hands and when I was at TRD I tried out what like their like just what they literally did with the molding and I was so excited cuz I was like oh my God I can break and I can hold it and it's everything to be able to give 100% you're when you're going down a hill 40 plus miles an hour and not having that confidence of where is the break and can I break and pushing the the shifters I was so excited and I know for me that is going to be a game changer where my competitors don't they don't have to worry about that at all they're just getting in their bikes and it's all normal for them but for me I'm technically like a quad competing in a non- quad Division and the girls know that if they hit me hard enough my hands will fall off and so with Toyota's help at TRD they customize the hand grips where in Tokyo they were doing that and my hands didn't fall off that time and it made a huge difference cuz cuz in Rio when that was happening I went from fourth and a fifth place to two gold medals in Tokyo with the new grips and I can't wait to see what this new grip for the break will do what has Toyota relationship the Toyota relationship meant to you oh my gosh it's so hard to put into words with the relationship and having a company and a brand like Toyota supporting me and believing in me is especially because they truly understand the power of just freedom of movement and that everyone it's a fundamental right for everyone and they understand like the mobility and they've en enhanced mine so much on the bike in the car yeah but mainly in my sport it wasn't until I partnered up with them and they took a chance on me where I started thriving as an athlete and went from being that third best second best to finally achieving my first gold medal and it was because they helped me make that possible too I want to take you uh Rowing back to your kind of earliest days uh in sport what did rowing do for you oh my gosh um I miss rowing so much do you I do I if I didn't break my back that's what I would be doing right now to this day I love the water and I don't know why or maybe it's because it makes me always go back to that one happy memory I do have in one of the older younger orphanages I was in but I love the water and I think I feel so much more in control because when you're on the boat and when I push off the dock and you're holding the ores and if you put it down like you're the one who's making that boat move and everything you do and you're in control of the actions I think I I love that sense of it and that freedom of it and little did I know I would be here and abside of your mom Randy and Bobby were the the first people that told you you can do something yeah um explain the significance of that it's you know it's like your parents believe in you and they always are going to say you can do anything you put your mind to but when you have someone outside of a parental role or family role telling you and seeing potential in you and believing in you hits different and for me that was Randy who at first came home Randy and Bobby came to our house they set me down and they were like okay think we you you can make it to the par Olympic Games and I was like what the hell is a par Olympics I had no idea what it was and they're the first ones that saw that level of sports for me and representing Team USA and then what um Bobby did was just he committed everything his he paid for half of a boat I got a grant and he paid for the other half out of his own money to buy a boat where I would be able to train in cuz he knew that was a big factor is needing to get a better boat to train in it also was so strange because I never really had like a male role in that way to to like in a positive role mhm and if somebody I felt like especially with Bobby like felt so connected like oh my gosh like I know he wasn't my dad but like felt like he had such a huge influence in me and I never wanted to let him down and wanted to kind of like my mom prove her right that she adopted the right girl and I was worth the fight prove to him hey what you believed is is true I can I want to do it and that's what he always said he would always had four races like all right we'll prove it became a motto kind of why did you sleep in the Team USA uniform the the Sleeping in the Team USA uniform first T night oh man that's so embarrassing I don't want people to know that um I just couldn't believe it because like in 2008 I wanted to make this team so bad and I didn't make that games and then when we got our we made it and got our first uni um uniform I was so excited I was I just couldn't believe this was happening and the fact that it just said us say and I'm representing something so much more and it's wearing that dream I've always dreamed of and sleeping in it and just like it made it more real if I had it on I did the same thing when I won my first world championship titles first um cycling too I slept in the rainbow jersey CU so I don't know but just it's just like I'm not a Metals person I know you'll leave them in hotels won't you like consciously I yeah oh my God I have I felt so bad do you know what you know what's so embarrassing this cleaning person we were leaving and she's like oh you left this she gets the medals and I was like oh oops and I was trying to I put them in the trash can I should not have said that but um but then she's like oh and also this and it was a stuffed animal and I was like oh I did not want to forget that and that was a pure mistake and I got more excited over that than the medals MH but what about First Olympic medal that first bronze uh meant so much you oh my gosh um I was on cloud n with that and I'm of course I that's the one medal that's broken because I didn't realize what a par Olympic medal was I was in the gym and I was swinging it and then it fell on the cement floor and now it's in two pieces but I've learned now but um yeah like that that bronze medal in London I mean we went from being the least experienced boat the smallest boat and we were not expected to make the a final at all and next thing you know we are neck and neck with the British boat and the US boat and it's a photo finish and I've never heard a crowd so loud in my life and they were not cheering for USA for sure um and I think it just so in rowing you have an award stock you wrote to you you leave from like a dock where all the boats are but then when you win a medal you go to to a different Dock and I have never been first of all scared more scared in my life to walk on a dock and in my legs and be like don't be this person that falls and drowns and becomes an international news now because I'm just so excited and I saw my mom my aunt Tina was there and my family and Bobby and he was just like just seeing his face the people who believed in you from the start and to be able to have something where I can like give to them and show them like hey you were right thank you um it touches you Fighting the tears even now talking about it yeah like I have to like fight the tears a little bit just because especially for like for everything for like I know how much what Bobby has done for me but I think as as I'm kind of heading towards like the second half of my career and more like not the backend cuz I don't want it to be over yet but I and being older and seeing myself more in like a coach role and helping people in the power of Bel and I think that's the thing is like I don't believe in myself but I believe in the people who believe in me and their belief makes me believe that I I'm capable of doing it that was the moment I felt looking at the American flag I felt like I I belong here I'm meant to be an athlete and I can be an athlete what happened to the Elbow oh in 2018 uh well like I said I'm a what so Elbow injury just likeing um that was a bad one I was basically almost career ending and games ending for sure I'm still not over that actually I'm still so angry about it cuz I feel like um I was robbed in a way this was in 2018 my fourth par Olympic Games I'm mentoring it and I feel like I have the world's expectation on me to bring home not just one gold medal but multiple because I'm having the year before I'm having and leading into it season of my life won a lot of world championship medals and I just now got my first Partners so like Toyota is now my partner and believing in me in iconic Brands like that and two weeks before I end up falling and breaking my elbow it dislocated it but in the process of it it fractured and broke the all the ligaments and tendons all off of it and this radial head was fractured and there was bone particles it swelled up and I have felt a lot of different types of pains I felt broken bones but and so I knew this was really really bad this was not just a sprain muscle or weird twist I called eileene and the first doctor says nope you're not going to the games it's impossible Eileen also didn't take that thank God she's like me she didn't take that as an answer of like nope we're going to see other answers we're going to see what what's possible and um went out to Veil this Deadman clinic and which is the clinic yes and actually Dr Viola worked on my elbow twice I had two elbow surgeries and not and then also like I had a procedure there he also was a one that did all three hand surgeries on my hand as well and so he really I mean they are incredible there but he is on another level to the point we call him and he's on the ski lift and he's like send me the X-rays at the top of the ski lift he's like okay this is the plan this is what we're going to do you're going to fly out here and has it dialed in and that is why I want to push myself and was not going to let that stop me from not trying to go to the games and see what I can do because if you have someone that's willing to stop everything on their life to help you the least I can do is prove them right that it was worth it and you were essentially told by the two other doctors that I said line yep they said you can't go like there's this is this is like a couple month recovery with surgery minimum um and he was the first person that said yes to meh and I didn't care what that meant my mind's I'm already missing two legs what's another limb let's go for it how bad can it really get okay but how bad could it get based Risks on what he was saying the risks were that I would not have use of this arm I would lose the entire use of my arm and that's what a lot of even the people um with the usopc like sports my team they were saying you have to think about your quality of life not just Sports I know for me like I don't want want to live this life of what if what if I never went and tried and just see what I was capable of doing and then halfway through the games I it was like so crazy how it all happened halfway through the games I fall and of course it has to be that side where I I have the brace on and it's all locked up so I can't I'm like stuck at a 90° angle on it and it dislocates entirely and that literally was every everything they were saying could inure my hand entirely forever and I get it I use my hands to like get up I use my hands for everything so it's like my legs are no way outside of my Prosthetics and then the two days after that fall was a Sprint race they're telling me the team and the U on the US team I go and have x-rays the MRI everything there and they're telling me it's over like you it's you you literally they forced me they tried to force me to stop because they were thinking more about you're really going to destroy this arm and you're going to have no hand at all and down to one functioning limb that's already has a claw on this side so it's not really that good anyways um and then the crazy thing is I was kind of like I'm just too stupid to stop I guess I don't know I'm just too determined yeah so what happens we go through she we try all these crazy different tapings on top of the brace and then basically they said like we do not think you should do this but it's ultimately your choice of what you want to do just know the risks that you're going to encounter and what can happen from this and I was like let's go that's all I needed there the butt I race the Sprint I qualify first in the Sprint I win my heat and then I win the par Olympic gold medal and that's the first way I get my gold medal which is the craziest thing describe the emotion though of of that one oh my gosh Olympic gold medal um I just didn't think like I didn't think it was possible at all and literally I think the emotion and like why I'm getting emotional now is like not because I achieved the gold medal but just looking at the entire Village that it took for just this one race and after getting knocked down and have going from like not almost making it to the par Olympic Games at all the one time you believe in yourself to crashing out and not being able to finish the games to actually being a gold medalist something I never thought um I don't know it's just so weird to say gold medal still um I know I always thought I was going to be always that second or third best athlete and then so when I got to stand there in the podium it was crazy like it started snowing like I was in a snow globe um and my whole team was there and just screaming that was so cool I just couldn't believe it and then next thing after that the next day was the 5K race and um I won another gold medal and then it was followed up by the surgery followed by a second surgery because I chose to race on it and then that was hard there's the lasting damage to a couple of the fingers because of it right um yeah and that's what they were worried is like I was going to use the lose the function of my fingers and my hands and nerve damage not just the structural damage and I have a lot of nerve damage on these two fingers and like just lost a lot of strength because I don't have a thumb so my pinky and my ring finger were my my strongest fingers and I cannot I have I can grip four PBS on the squeeze test now worth it totally worth it I would do it three times over again anome so why do you want La 2028 to be your last par Olympics oh my gosh Why LA 2028 who wouldn't want to end up their par Olympic athletic career at a home games my dream is I know I will most likely I'm going to be old so I'm I don't know how competitive I will be for a medal I'm going to try my damn hardest my dream is to be able to be there racing with a next generation of athletes in cycling or if it's another sport but in cycling and seeing that like especially for cycling like that generation's going to live on the sport is going to grow and just racing with them is what's really really important and at home like I mean representing USA and everything it means like if you could see the Goosebumps under this like I think it's beyond it beyond the fact that La is going to put on the best games ever it's showing in the US what's possible and right now we're looking in the US of women and sports and the gender equality that's happening in the TV coverage the next big thing that has to happen is the same equality in par Olympic athletes and adaptive Sports and the power of a home games means more opportunities and more doors open for these young kids who are 8 years old that are going to be able to start sports right away and instead of needing to Google what that means and that they can be an athlete and represent Team USA why does that so important to you it's important to me cuz I didn't have well I Sweat Equity didn't have that and I felt like I I found rowing but it's just just creating a more equal Society the The Sweat Equity I put in The Sweat Equity there's nothing different if you're R Lighting up in the start line riding a bike with your hands or your legs or your swimming blind whatever it is that freedom of movement and Sports and that start line is for everybody and it's something it's undeniable the power of sports and that's what it should be for everyone should feel included in that space you PostCompeting Life mentioned the idea of coaching uh what do you see is post competing life entailing for you oh man I don't know if my athletes can handle my my mentality and my Approach but okay what would that mentality approach be I can't imagine you being as hard on them as like you are on yourself do this I just like what Bobby and Randy were for me and what eileene was for me and my coach Gary now is for me and all it takes is that right coach to believe in you and it can change that person's life and we need more of that it's something I've been fortunate enough to get in my in my sports but I hear so many stories that a lot of athletes stop and especially young girls like my passion is to get more girls and women in sports and for them not to stop after high school because they had a bad experience with a coach and and I love the idea too like getting more female coaches eileene is one of the few rare head performance female head performance directors of the Nordic program and but she was the only you like a woman's coach and that's really important to me too but I think my Approach would just be like just do everything whenever you find that thing that you are so excited to get up at 5: in the morning that's your sport because 5 in the morning is not fun for anyone Rob not uh covering up the Prosthetics uh how much of a positive impact did that have on you to me I thought it was the most badass thing I've ever seen and it really him meeting him and Rowing and sports combined that timing for me really transforms the way I viewed myself and questioned why is it so badass for him when I see him when his legs and that looks cool but here I am I hate it it's not badass at all and it kind of because it was just all up here right it's all in the mind all in the mind just like that Chanel quote like I like to be replaceable one must always be different like it hit me like wait a minute and that light bulb or Scooby would be like but um we do that again no one time you think you would have done the ESPN's body issue if not for Rob I don't ESPN Body Issue know if it was because of Rob I think that was step one to recognizing wait a minute why don't I feel this way about myself why is it cool for someone else but not me and it kind of sparked that thought in that conversation so I guess in some ways you can think about it that way and then um there's some people at us rowing that also said this is a really cool opportunity to show your sport and show Beauty and strength in different ways cuz I almost said no no way in hell am I going to take my my legs off or anyone's going to see this or my body period I did not have the tan for that that day um so what brought you around to the The Body Issue place where you're like screw it I'm going to do this I started realizing wait a minute questioning these for the first times for myself that I feel this way because society's made me feel this way and it's tell is that it's the narrative is hide all these things that make you different and that's not good and I really wanted to show Society but also women that and people that beauty comes in so many different shapes and colors and forms and there's power in it and in some ways it was Rob helped me see like okay let me start help me embracing this in a different way instead of hiding it cuz it was bringing the wrong kind of attention when I was was trying to hide everything cuz people just were more curious about it instead of them seeing oh okay and it was the start of the journey to learning how to love myself and truly love my body and all the differences not just say it but actually show it in a way the body's issue is to cell in general is to celebrate an athlete's body because I think a lot of times like you have the stick figure skinny supermodel beautiful people that they think is like what pretty is and I think a lot of times whether you're a par Olympic Athlete or not I think athletes in general have unique bodies when you're transforming your body for the sport whether you have really strong legs and small upper body or strong shoulders and it's just it's all different you're that's the coolest thing about a body you're transforming it and I love the idea from skiing to cycling I'm transforming my back to my chest and my shoulders it's I'm seeing that transformation and it's celebrating that of all the hours and The Sweat Equity that you've put in and in your in your body and it's not just the leanest athletes I mean baseball players are in there athletes are athletes bodies are bodies and they're unique in their own ways and are beautiful in their own ways I wanted to ask you a little bit about The Orphanage the orphanage you vividly remember the days where potential parents who were considering adopting we're coming by to uh decide they put a freaking dress on you if you weren't cute enough they would rip that dress off and put it on that little girl next to you or that little boy next to you I learned to hate those days because yes the only thing I didn't hate about it is that's when we got food because um you know I just realized I don't have my waterproof mascara on I knew because I'm like one thing I I saw in in all the interviews that you do is everyone's like why you do your research and stuff and like crying and stuff um so I knew better than there's no mascara running okay cool but I remember two specific families that said we're going to be your new home and then I really stopped listening to those words when they never came back why was Getting Shots getting uh shots such a scary experience well well so in Ukraine they go from the oldest to the youngest I was the youngest and the smallest use one needle for all 300 kids and that needle by the time it got to me was super super dull and so they stabbed it in it always took about three or four people to hold me down because I would run I didn't want like that pain and stuff and it was just that memory and and that's like you know those things that like are triggering it's just like seeing a needle and you're brought straight back to that moment to this day I don't do well with surgeries I had surgeries in Ukraine but we didn't have anesthesia in Ukraine so all the surgeries were like you felt everything they ripped teeth out with pliers that were old and they just went in you they didn't put you down they just held you down um I have like a lot of scars in my body from IV cut down scars from things gone wrong but yeah what was the deal Warm Baths with baths H I was well I love warm baths I don't like cold water on my body period or like shower type like things um because that was a form of I guess punishment our orphanage my mom came to get me she kept her winter coat and her sweaters and everything on and she saw her breath and there were people that were chipping away I on the hallways because the pipes would freeze like would leak and then that's how cold it was there was no heat in our orphanage and it gets pretty cold in UK cold in Ukraine they had a circle you No Heat had to stand there and they just hosed you down and you didn't know when it was going to stop if you went outside of it or if you sat down there's a lot more that would happen and that's like I shared some things in my book but there's a lot I did not share because I don't think people just have the stomach for and it's not relevant either cuz it's more just like I want people to like bring awareness to things I feel like a lot of people know it maybe happens in orphanages but don't especially Eastern European government R there's differences between government ran orphanages and local orphanages too by the cities and that specific orphanage after part of my story came out they did like a an audit and it was shut down everyone lost their jobs because after they had their background checks and they found things on it it was shut down you wrote about the Underground brothel orphanage it was run as an underground brothel um like what would you see it was an upstairs room and it was just sometimes one bed sometimes two beds and then no windows and just a door three locks cuz I heard every time separate ones and you were put in there every night from 5 to 7 years old ly and My best friend I were always together until she was gone she was my best friend like from five it was on and off 6: to 7 when Laney was gone it was every single night and um there was a person that always at each door and would just sit there I I didn't even know what what that it was a brothel I didn't know what was happening all I knew is I did not like it and I didn't realize and then I felt so guilty because that's what like often times she would say get on to the bed because it was so dark there was no lights in the room at all in no windows so they didn't know if there how many kids there were sometimes in a room so she told me to go into the bed so they think it was just her only and not me but I was I was up there for some reason the most and I don't know if it's especially like after what happened to her or what I did to deserve it I think it's because I was bad all the time and that's I never learned from it and I literally heard people say they wanted to kill me because from what I saw and what I survived through in the orphanage If I made it out you heard people say they wanted to kill you yeah well because if I made it out like if what because I saw what happened to Laney that those those two voices there were more than them there but those two voices were having that conversation cuz I snuck under other chairs and tables so they didn't see where I was and got out explain the role that uh she played in Her role in my life in your life she protected me from things that I had no idea until when she was gone I really knew what she was doing cuz um I mean she was my family she was I think the reason why I'm able to even connect and have a bond with my mom is because I had a bond with her and I learned through her um like I learned like home and I know what safety felt like and um she was a little older than me and she always protected me and stuff and um she's one of those people that never made it out I watched it because it was my fault of how she died and why she died and stuffff um you can't blame yourself for that though oh I can't because I'm a clut like you told I broke my elbow I'm breaking my hands I meant to fall and I can't even crawl around an orphanage floor without making noise you were a kid trying to get bread like that's nothing to feel responsible for and Why in life certainly not something that you know somebody deserves to get murdered for you guys we would have been totally fine if I my foot didn't slip and hit that the chair like it would have been fine I knew it was a hell before she was gone but then that's when when things really got bad when she was when she was gone and then I've never ever wanted more this is why I struggled with like the whole suicide watch and like struggled with killing myself because I just felt like there was nothing to really live for like you lose the number one thing ever and that reason why in life like my mom is that now that's why I'm always like freaking out at her I'm like Mom you cannot die you have to die after me um yeah um it's it's you know it's like now everything I do and even with sports now I swear to God I feel her and how so like when I'm racing there's times I'm like looking back and I swear I feel like somebody just pushed me out of nowhere and I feel like if it is it her like I feel like she's always with me and part of me in that journey and and you race hard when you have a why and a why that's so powerful you're willing to bury yourself for and I mean my family my mom my partners but Lany is my why in life of why to keep moving on those hard days and I think whenever I see those young little kids whether you have disability or and athletes and just like create a life she never had and I can I want to try and live my life in a way for people it means something because I she never got to she did it for me and I knew if I give up then everything she died for and sacrificed for me took cuz she told me to be quiet when she she knew it was happening and it would all be for nothing if I if I did Liv my life to the fullest in the way she would I not want me what do you How she shaped her heart think she taught you I think she shaped my heart I think she gave me a heart for life and to see beauty like she always always was so positive and always which I'm not that person which is so weird but I think a lot of people are like well why is it that you you had so much experience in Ukraine you should hate ukra but you were so proud to be there and I think it's because I think a lot of it is like her for sure but I mean I just like think of her eyes when she like puts her hands on my shoulders right before a hug and it's just like the communication you can have with eyes of like she's always there and you don't have to have some physical right there to have a family they like they don't have to physically be in the room with you they're always going to be there with you and I think that's something that she gave me this inner strength to to believe it it just took my mom and the right family to really make me believe it and feel it and I hope you recognize how how proud she or anybody would be I hope so she's probably like damn it o stop climbing on that sh or doing this um I don't know maybe some higher force and power knew that I was too stubborn to die and make it through one day well you got it shut down yeah yeah and then there was some um crazy thing after my book there are some kids who were in that same freaking orphanage that said I remember this me too like they went through this or if it wasn't that specific orphanage a lot of Ukrainian kids were sending me messages like oh my gosh you literally just wrote what I experienced and this really happened and shared to me their experience which is so weird to read something you can Vision because you were there and feel it too and smell it um and I think it's like power of sharing a story is over a sudden like you don't feel alone in it when I felt like I was the only one that went through that how do you avoid letting your anger towards the people that did Avoiding anger that become all consuming well I think as our Sports Psy artour would say like I don't think I I'm still learning that ancher cuz I I do have moments of it but you know the thing is like those are just few people that wasn't all of Ukraine it wasn't all everyone there and I think I had to get out of those woods and understand and learn and heal to know like to try to understand that I didn't have control over it and yes I can have rage and I can have wasted energy and it's that same thing that our sport pych was saying like I can use this anger but it's going to go nowhere all it's going to do is just make me angry make is live in with me but do something from what that anger brings you and like acknowledge their use that to fuel you to make that difference and to not just live in it you mentioned Going back to Ukraine going back to Ukraine explain the emotions when you went back to an orphanage for the first time um well first of all that orphanage I went to had color on the walls and they had art and I was at first of me I got jealous I was like wait a minute I never had this and started realizing those things and then but then when I saw the kids that it broke my heart it was kind of like going back in time and this young little girl she was maybe five had dark hair just you could this look in her eyes looked so familiar and I felt it in a way that I felt like I know this feeling that you're look that you're giving me cuz I was her once upon a time and then we were doing a picture and she just grabs my hand and I was like oh oh my God like my heart melted because like I I wanted to have that so bad to have someone the orphan and just hold a hand too and that she had the power and like just felt like we almost in a way like had this like like we couldn't communicate at all but like it's somehow like our souls knew like we walked the same path in a way and so it was sad to see that this still exists there are so many kids that don't have families and then it made me realize like how lucky I was to have it and honestly like I've always felt guilty for making it out of there when I know and I saw people that didn't make it out of there and I always question like why why why did I get so lucky and why guilty though because I I got out but I never forgot the ones who didn't and the kids that were still there and I think now I wonder to myself like maybe there's a reason that I had to get out because now I want to be a part of rebuilding of Ukraine and having a voice to make it better for orphanages orphans and yeah I'm just so so damn proud to be Ukrainian can I ask uh what Tattoos the tattoos represent oh yes um well so I have wait this one this one that is my it's bad now it's really bad quality I wish my friend told me OK this is not the best place to go but when I was 18 I'm like oh my God I'm getting a tattoo I'm going to the first place I see tattoo parlor but it's initials of my American Ukrainian name I have a Dand line being blown away into birds and it's just a metaphor of Letting Go and being free and then um I have the bigger one is a rose and it's like a live Rose and it's fading into a burnt up black and white dead rose and I love this song by Rea Franklin a rose is still and always will be a rose I think it's just a rose but like the quote I kept on it is a rose is still and always will be a rose and and it's goes right over a scar that was um that was I don't um a scar that happened right before my mom came to get me cuz I still had the stitches I was picking out to the day when like I was so proud when I picked out the last one when we came to America but it was from one of the nights when I was fighting back from one of the guys in the upstairs room and um left he cut me with a knife and I just felt like my whole body was covered in scars and I came scars that were either inflicted on me or from surgeries or just forms of different methods to punish people and I felt like my story was written for me on my body and instead of running from it I chose to through therapy and through Sport and through the right people who love me instead of running from it acknowledge it and but in a in a powerful way is it doesn't matter what's been done to you whether it's a dead rose or a live Rose is still and always will be a rose and I'm still worthy of having love and feeling love and feeling beautiful regardless if there are things that are my body's tainted in way ways that I will always feel like it's tainted but everything in life is a it's a state of mind it's how you want to feed into those memories and so I wanted to rewrite Through Tattoos and put these markings on my body of like this is my story this is how I'm choosing to view them instead of accept the ones that were giv to me before I even had a chance to be a normal kid break my arm and get a cool scar that way what the tattoo Pain Tolerance artist say about your pain tolerance the guy like oh my God when he got into across the SCAR Where the ink was a little harder for it to actually take he he kind he's like he was like damn you're tough I enjoy pain when I am controlling it in some ways a Pain's comfortable for me I felt it it's all I've known since day one really B it makes me it reminds me that I'm alive enough to feel it to feel this pain and that lactic acid burn and that racing and that's that thrill that it gives me it's that pain and I'm so lucky to be in that moment to feel that pain to put my body through that because that means I'm still here First Photo adoption what do you remember from the first time you saw your mom's picture oh my gosh um I remember her Rosy Cheeks like her cheeks were super Rosy and she had just like this honest pure look on her face and I remember seeing a lot of people that would come and say we're like we want to adopt you and they never come back for you for her in her eyes and her smile there was something that felt like home by looking at that picture and I don't even know how to explain that because I didn't even know what a home was but it just I felt like I could I was safe looking at that picture in a away why would the orphanage almost torture you with the photo I think when I was Bad Attention younger bad attention was better than no attention mhm and I definitely pushed that to its limit and I really don't know why they would use that besides just control cuz I think I was one of those people that I would not give them the satisfaction of being scared and showing it because well first of all I'd get be beat up if I did but that's the one thing that if you don't show them that you're scared and then they ultimately are controlling you but by that picture and by choosing when I get to do it that was a ticket way to control well and at one point weren't they telling you she wasn't going to be your mom anymore yeah well because like and I believed them because it took two years for her to come I guess she sent a lot of things I never received never received any letters from her at all or pictures besides just her passport picture describe the feeling of Mom eventually being given that photo to keep oh my gosh and well it was only that night before the director gave me the picture of my mom to go to bed with and I put it in a stand next to me and that's the last thing I remember and then the next thing you know she's there and my mom's there like black shadowy figure cuz she had her hood on and she took it off that for and my Aunt Sherry was there and you're thinking what at the time no I'm thinking once I got to see that woman's face I know you it's like I looked at her like I know you I have your picture and that's the first thing I it was like a like I was never a good sleeper to begin with so I was you hated sleep right for for the longest time you would in America yeah I I and to this day I'm Sleep a would tell you like I don't sleep at all I can I thrive on two hours of sleep because I'm just so used to it mhm but that's the one place you can't escape at all of things that happened and I experienced to the point like you can feel things on your body you can smell things so raw and when I close my eyes like it goes straight back to those some of those darker days when I came to America they said like I was not if I kept having the life that I had there with lack of nutrition I I was like 36 lbs when I came to America so and I was not even eight I was about to be eight the doctors America said I wouldn't have made it past 10 had it stayed the same what conversations did you and your mom have after you found the adoption papers in the desk drawer yeah she was just telling me more about like my biological family and that she knew that what their names were and my mom always gave them the benefit of the doubt and just like say they probably didn't have the money to support you and your medical needs that you needed and she never like hid that ever she would be curious with me about that and that's so that's I love that about her and how old are you nine yeah you're so asking silly question love you why why do I love you I just do in what ways do you think that benefited you I think by her being willing to talk about the whole adoption like the papers my family helped me start to reframe that it wasn't my fault I wasn't the reason why they didn't want to keep me and I don't maybe I don't know the whole story and help me be a little more kinder to myself but then also to have so much like less resentment and anger towards them as well which I think it's I didn't realize how much I had until she made me see things in a different light and just having that compassion there was a period of time where you disliked your reflection because you didn't have uh like family that you resembled right my friends like look so much like their mothers and their fathers and I'm such a visual person and I think when I look the mirror I didn't have any of that I didn't know who I was I I have my mom and my family but who am I when I see myself besides I hate what I see because it's so different because the kids are telling me that in school and that yeah so like I I struggled with the whole identity thing and like I have my family here but it's really and I love my mom for sure but it's like you're kind I feel sometimes alone in the world because there's no one that that that connects me to something when they look in the mirror kind of thing and that's not what I know that's not what family is and that's not everything but it's just always made me wonder what happened where I think the school calls your mom about you you being on like suicide watch I tried some crazy things I tried to also like cut my hands off too because hated my fingers I didn't really realize and I think my mom knew but didn't and then like I needed to go through therapy cuz how bad things were and it was just a time where a lot of memories were coming back and I was suppressing everything and when kids were telling me that you're a freak you you walk weird what's wrong with you I didn't want to live anymore like I don't know really yeah well yeah cuz I never saw anyone that looked like me like I can hide my legs but I can't hide my hands they're like my little paws are out there for the world to see now like I want kids to see my prosthetic legs I want people to see the different ways you can do Sports because when you start making that more normal then they're not going then those Generations from now kids will not be made fun of hopefully one day but I think they're always going to because humans so what was involved for you in getting past that uh you know low point where you were having those thoughts um so I went to therapy the session was supposed to be a short session just to see 2 hours later the doctor comes out therapist comes out to my mom and says that she we're going to have a lot of lot of work to do here cuz I had a lot of anxiety depression just attachment issues and things that I I didn't know my mom didn't know she's a single parent also she didn't have that other person to me it honestly Graham didn't feel normal because then I had to have a doctor tell me you're not normal you need medication and I started hating the fact I needed medication to be normal when I already wasn't normal now my mind's not normal so I felt like I had no control of anything anymore people were telling me what I could do with my bodies what I my mind and how to live and how to think and medicine to help me and I just but I didn't realize that until I started going to Art therapy and drawing things out and I was talking didn't realize I was like that was therapy and what I was saying and the process of healing and what what sorts of things were you drawing um I I don't remember like the one I really remember is we were talking about animals this doctor and I and I'm talking about something that makes me so happy but then I'm drawing this like room with um a sliver of like it's everything's black but then there's a shadow and no walls and then there's red coming out or whatever and which was like blood basically and then just like Monsters and all these horrible things um and then guess like the one was like someone just like there's like a a person laying down and someone's laying down on top of them and my body is drawing things that are completely messed up and are terrifying that an 8 and 10-year-old should not be drawing at all but the weird thing is like I didn't even know I was doing it until I look and I was like whoa like I did not know I was doing it how does that happen I don't know I was so lucky to have that therapist that understood what I was drawing and knew that things that I was drawing there were some words in there that I was drawing half in Ukrainian half in English and some numbers and like six always appeared a lot and like she never made me feel like oh there's something wrong she's like oh okay this is interesting and would have me talk about it but I could not remember why I was doing it MH from that she gave my mom suggestions prescription for some to help with my anxiet xiety and severe depression and that really was where I started um like my mom always lost this cuz like when I first felt happy for the first time like I felt that emotion finally when I was like 11 or 12 years old and your mom had to explain to you what that was yeah well I didn't know what that feeling I didn't know I was not happy like um I think I did a pretty good job as a kid masking everything and never really like I knew how to adapt to my environment in that you would even laugh when you like got hurt right yeah yeah I'm a weirdo or like you'd fall and hit your head and start laughing yeah well like I didn't cry for like the first few for a long time when I came to America because if I if I ride in Ukraine if it wasn't the caretakers that were hurting you the kids would hurt you because you made sounds and then we would all get hurt if the one kid did something and so I I was very I did not show a lot of emotions and would laugh instead and just because I didn't want to show that sign of weakness either um yeah in what ways did you find therapy helped for me it's a feeling thing I don't even know how to like put it into words how it helped me but it helped my mind be so calm and so still and and like like you were saying like earlier like the happy and what happy Means and actually feeling and living those emotions correctly and healthy and not living in fear and just masking something up because what happened for me was I went from trying to hurt myself and cutting myself to not and found other outlets to like whether it was sport or whether it was drama or whatever it was as a kid it helped me not hurt myself and I didn't it helped me also realize what I was doing is hurting myself cuz I didn't know I was recreating feeling feelings and Sensations what was normal to me and that helped me realize what I went through as a kid was not normal that's not a normal way to grow up and without not knowing you're never going to find your way out either you have to recognize it first you've persevered through and accomplished so much in life what do you think you most learned oh my gosh I think something I I'm learning still is to never count myself out because there's so many times that I don't believe in myself and I diminish what I've achieved or just don't think I'm worth it everything seems again stacked up against you and you're set up to fail to never there's that 1% chance to never count yourself out the it you count yourself out of anything you're done you're out of it you're checked out mentally and you're going to be definitely checked out of it physically and I think there's a lot of moments in my life where I it was so much easier to just give up and stop I think like not just myself because I'm not the only one that goes through adversity goes through challenges I think humans what I'm learning is humans are capable of overcoming so much more than we give ourselves credit for and are like able to achieve so much than we are think that we can and it all does seem impossible until that moment that you achieve something and it's no longer impossible and there's we all have it it's all just state of mind and a mindset what stands out from visiting the military patients in Ukraine Ukraine how lucky I am to be in America I think is the biggest thing I wow that trip in 2015 was like going back in time it was the wildest thing on earth so a lot of people don't realize it's like the whole like Russia invaded Ukraine in 2014 and there was War start there was already there fightings a lot of military men in Ukraine were coming back with amputations wheelchairs all this stuff so I went to their hospital because it ended up being the 25th year anniversary of the Ada act in America and so it was there for through the US Embassy of ke to show Society how easy it is to make it accessible for their citizens especially for the military and the service men and women who are serving their country I did not think I was going to have to like climb up three flights of stairs to get to where these individuals are having surgery Graham like I'm walking through this hallway it's very Bleak and dark it freaked me out because I saw some of the mattresses that looked very similar to what I slept on as a kid with like the and then the beds with the springs and stuff and it looked like it's been used for since Vietnam it was you could see the stains body stains on the mattresses um like fluids from blood and stuff and it and then but then when you when I met those servicemen they were at first like first of I think because there was a lot of men there so they were like oh my God there's a girl here but then there was like oh my God this girl has no legs holy cow and then when I took my leg off there were like that was a big moment right that was huge like they they've had no they've never seen this they don't have I'm pointing to my legs because like this technology I know what it's like not to have something like these knes have microprocessor chips and I charge them and there's so much design in them and we I have this because of the Afghanistan and Iraq war from the US was meant to help put these otok like x3s and they were meant to help get men and women back boots on the ground to be back in combat and stuff they didn't have stuff like this so it's a sense of showing like hey this is your life's not over you can still walk again and seeing their eyes light up it was like seeing like they were realizing like not to give up on themselves and not to give up in this life because I know what it's like to want to give up in life in general in yourself you mentioned going back to Ukraine take me through uh the aggressive helpers uh unwanted efforts to attempt to reconnect you with your birth family on that trip little backstory to that was Ukraine is trying to get rid of orphanages and do more of what America is doing and Western culture is doing which is foster care system so what kids are learning what home environments are like I was going to say share my story and the power of adoption and how it helped me from Ukraine I said I'll go to Ukraine I'm not ready to meet my family I don't want this to be one of those moments where they make this moment happen because I'm not ready I still have too much anger in my and I just don't even know they said okay this umman for adoptions comes in very late and oh I'm so sorry oan I'm sorry I'm late I just got off the phone with your birth parents they want to meet you you have two brothers did you know this and I had no idea I didn't know they were alive I didn't know I had two birth brothers that next day I had to do an interview and they were screening they found like he was like I have pictures and I didn't I didn't ask to look at the picture they were ready to get on the train to meet me that night that day it was like realizing holy my birth parents do exist this is something I've I have always wanted I didn't want it in that moment I'm not ready for it I ended up not talking and crying that whole night instead um and the next day I was at an event talking they had to like screen all the people people that were coming and visitors that were coming for that talk to make sure that none of my parents were going to show up or my biological family in any way that night my birth brother the younger one reaches out through Facebook and then I'm up all night in the bathroom and my mom's trying to sleep it's our last night in Ukraine talking what were the answers that were provided to some of the questions that you had well so like I was skeptical are are you who you are who you say you are and I asked them of what my birth father's name is what his patr name like his like middle name was and for me it's alexandrova which is daughter of Alex and that's how you can pinpoint where you are in the family chain and tree kind of thing and he knew that so he said you would be alexandrova no one knew my name name in Ukrainian at all it was me literally interrogating him of like what's who's so and so what were the birthdays where were they born the way he was like we want to meet you we don't want cameras around I knew there was something like real there because it wasn't just for a publicity thing like we both mutually did not want to make that at that time like a story of that moment you believed after all the answers were provided that this was your I did I did and but there's a part of me that's still a little bit like um like I want to ask him for a blood test just because like are you and that was just like in some ways it made me so angry and in some ways it was a relief to know they're still alive that this dream I do have of meeting them one day can still happen and I can meet them why did it make you so angry just because why now why were they so willing to come now to see me instead of why would they leave me there and I was I assumed they knew what I was living through I thought they went and scouted where they're going to drop me off and they didn't want me then why want to see me now and that made me angry at the same time like excited that they're around and that something I've been wanting for my whole entire life I can actually achieve and see and get and learn but then it's one of those things I don't know if you've ever been in a position where you want something for so long and you dream of it for so long and you realize okay Graham tomorrow morning you're going to get your dream you're going to achieve it and it made me not want it all of a sudden like it made me question it wait Did I like the idea of being curious more than actually meeting them and then I was just confused again how was it explained to you uh why you were put up for adoption my middle brother he was explaining to me that this the first race the cross country long distance the silver medal in SOI is where the Ukraine news does this whole Deep dive of my story of for put up for a option born this parents abandoned her all in Ukrainian my birth mom is doing dishes in the back and he he's a loud noise cuz she drops all the dishes and he's like what's going on and he said that she froze and after a while she told them that before they were born they had a daughter but they had to give me away because I was told they were told I was not going to make it and I was going to die and so that was the best life for me give me a chance at life was to give me away to the government the crazy thing I found out this whole time I was so angry at my birth family this whole time that I found out that's how I got my name is she so she did not want to give me away and the government and the hospitals encouraging her to do so and then she's like okay well if I cannot be her mother I'm going to give something of myself and that's how I got my name is her name's oana so she named me after her so there's Al something of her in me and then she decided so then they relinquished me to the government I later learned she changed her mind they both my dad and my mom both changed their mind and wanted to go to that orphanage to get me but but they were told I died to stop coming cuz they tried a couple times until finally they told him I died she thought I was dead the whole entire time until she hears this story on the news in Sochi of my first medal with my name being translated to my birth name entirely to the date that I was born and that's how she finds out oh yeah and then they were slapped with a bill because when I was adopted the government went back to them and said oh you owe this money because your child was in the orphanage system even though I was about to die and should and if I I would not have made it till past 10 years old in that orphanage and I started slowly realizing like this I think I made this story of being so angry and hating them because it's easier to deal with hate and anger than it is with compassion in some ways and sadness and loss and regret and stuff so I told myself this thing because it was easier to deal with and I felt so guilty for H being so mad at them for something that I didn't even know and then started thinking it from their perspective I can't imagine giving away a child you never wanted to give away and the only way you find out that they're still alive after you were told that they were dead is through the news publicly but then also be given a bill because I lived for nearly 8 years um I can't imagine that so you decided it's not just you like the idea meeting them but you actually want to go have you thought about when you want to do it well so I was going to do it after Beijing and then the whole situation with the world started there not ruined everything and now I'm in the same boat in the same way where I hope to God that there is going to be a Ukraine to go home to to see that country with adult eyes but I am in communication with them now through social media and they're just like just so stinking proud and I just I don't know like I'm so thankful that they had the courage to to do that to give me away when they didn't want to regardless of the circumstances of of how it had to be done um but I've always always been curious of who I am and where I come from and I want to know where do I get my head tilt when I take pictures if they do that and just small little mannerisms like that because I have questions to ask about my flat nose and my hairline and who it's from because it's not cute not cute at all oh pleas but um that's okay thank God for contouring so you've mentioned his name a few times the man you accepted ring from Aaron like what what do you think makes the relationship work I have no idea I ask him this all the time like do you realize what you're first of all I want to stay on the record it took him 8 years and 3 months and about 2 and 1 half weeks for him to finally ask me to marry him any guy who's watching any person watching for their Partners don't wait that long that's just miserable why would you do that to them when did you know he was the one he is one of those Souls you can just sit in the room with next to him for me not say anything but just from day one I felt calm and safe so there's a moment in um in Sochi we were that was our first winner games on a gondola I was trying to get on the same Gondola with him and just like time away the two of us until we had this moment where it's just like it felt so right just like hugged him and that hug was when I knew like oh my God this is not just a friend that's the moment I knew he also is really good at making fun of me in a way where I laugh at myself and so he taught me how to laugh at myself to the point like he always jokes and tells my mom like yeah like I he she got me from The Bargain Cave in Ukraine cuz I was half off because I was disabled and had a bow and just oh cover that up maybe and it's just so funny and just he's yeah day one he's felt like home since day one and it it's a little bit scary because it's like if it's too good to be true when's the crazy going to come out when the when is he going to learn that I'm like actually crazy too so does he really want to deal with me how did he propose so we went to after my world championships for cycling he um knew he wanted to choose a Tetons because he knew it meant something to my mom my mom has this huge connection every story somehow circles back to the Tetons with her and I love that and he wanted me to have that same memory of the Tetons and have something there we're in Jenny Lake we we're kaying and I wait till we're in the middle of Jenny Lake to ask him so what are we doing like what who are we what are we this is like what this is 8 years not going in 9 years are we like and then he just like looks back he's like don't ruin this and I'm like okay because this is day three of the vacation and I thought it would have happened by then it didn't um so the night he had a gondola ride pck like scheduled he knew the exact time of that ride to have something to say he thought about what he was going to say in those 12 minutes and then there was a dinner we were going to have what happened was a storm came in we lost our reservation the gondola was shut down he told me to wear something nice cuz it was a nicer restaurant so I put on White Shoes it started raining I was hangry my shoes got dirty I started yelling at him um but then what happened is the next day we went mountain biking and then we went up to the gond on the Gondola just to look he asked on the gondola ride when we were the um unscheduled one I felt so bad because he was asking and was he was not asking he was talking to me and he was like I know you keep saying 8 years and has been taking forever but honestly eight years is nothing when I've always thought of forever in a lifetime with you and all these things and and the H SC scream Grand scream of things and I'm just looking around like wait is this the trail we went on is this what we just were oh my gosh did we just do that and he's like oana and then I just see a white box and and then I start freaking out and screaming and I was mad at myself because I told him and I told myself the minute he asks I'm going to say I'm going to keep the ring and I'm going to say let me think about it and make him wait for all the years he did that but instead I was like yes um and this the ring was my mom's mom's ring too that my Grandpa gave to her so it's like 80 some years old that he won playing poker at an army base we get to the top call my mom and FaceTime her and I'm screaming I'm engaged how about desires for a family of your own 100% he's going to make such an incredible father and one of my dreams is for my mom to see me be a mom and for her to be a grandma and be here for that that's why I'm telling her she cannot die until after that happens um yeah I we both want a big family I he's really into the idea of adoption I I am I just don't think I can do what my mom did and adopt an 8-year-old that's opinionated and comes with a whole lot of opinions already um but yeah I think that's that's the next big adventure in my life thank you very much thanks hopefully that made sense oh for sure it did yeah and you're like uh okay so now on to you so when you're two you want to reset yeah can we switch seats um that was amazing thank you so much I'm sorry sorry for uh asking you so many questions I mean we we were talking about this beforehand like there's no comparison to like you and any other person we featured in like 14 years of the show I mean like you're just like such an inspiration and like your story is so motivating and like that was what was so exciting about having the opportunity to this and so yeah I really appreciate you know you like letting us here especially so close to the par Olympics oh thank you guys for I mean like people you talk to and people you've interviewed I'm like holy why me like what the heck oh come on no sense at all and it's just it's an it's an absolute honor and especially since you've been doing this since you were 8 years old holy moly