Missy Higgins on why she’s never felt more vulnerable | Australian Story

Hello, thank you so much   for giving up your precious Sunday night. Yeah, performing these new songs, my God,   I've never been more vulnerable in my life. I'm going to be honest, there's quite a few   songs on this album that are basically like stay  away from me songs, this is not a good idea songs.  Like during rehearsals for this tour, I  was crying, just going, I don't know how   I'm going to perform these songs because every  time I tried to sing them, I was just sobbing.  My voice is feeling a bit  tired, can we just do a chorus?  Missy's an introverted, quiet person,b but  she can get out there and just like it's all   heart like and it's such a beautiful thing to  watch. I wish the audience knew how much they   were getting a big piece of her. You should run while you can  I tend to cry in the kitchen  once the kids are in bed  Wake up and do it all again It's absolutely heart wrenching and   gut wrenching as a mum to listen to the words of  those songs. I mean, these are the saddest songs   she's ever written, I mean, by far Here's my body, here's my scars  Now show me what kind of man you are I'm definitely not pretending to have   any of the answers, or to be strong or  to even like myself much at the moment.  We've all written such strong narratives  for ourselves. And then you come to a   point in your life where it's like, oh, no  actually, that's not your narrative anymore,   that's burned to the ground. And It's  like, how the hell did I end up here?  Hi, I'm Missy Higgins and I've been Unearthed  from triple j. I've been singing since I was   small…sorry (laughs) I've been singing since I  was very young and playing piano since I was six. I won triple j Unearthed at the beginning of  year 12 with a song that I'd written in year 10,   t's a song called All for Believing. Pull back the shield between us and I kiss  Missy's early recordings really blew  me away because it was just completely   authentic. The way that she sang her songs,  the way she brought her words to life. You   really believed every word that she was singing. I think I just …I discovered that I could write   songs, and then as soon as I discovered that, it  was like realising that I had this special way of   kind of working through my teenage angst. I'll play you a verse, the first verse   and chorus of one of my new song.  It's called the Sound of White.  This is where I used to play you guys my  new songs. If ever I had written a new song,   I used to make you come in here and sit  down, and I would present it to you.  Like a freeze-dried rose, you will never be We had this plan once that we all got together and   we knew you were going to play us a new song and  we were like, let's pretend that we don't like it.  Can I interrupt, it was your idea. And if I listen to the   sound of white, sometimes I hear your smile And so Missy played the song and afterwards   there was just all silence, and then we were,  like, looking at each other, going, I'm not sure.  And then you just, like, ran out of the room  upstairs and locked yourself in your bedroom.  Are you serious? We thought we'd scarred you for life.  Well, obviously not, I can't remember  that, or obviously the scar is so   deep I've blacked it out of my memory. When Missy was little, she was adorable.  Last night I was dreaming I  was locked in a prison cell.  She was our little toy, so we used to dress  her up and put her on a stage and give her   a microphone and make her be Madonna  and sing things. I mean, she loved it,   she loved it. But she also was strong willed  as well. Like she refused to wear a dress. Rock n Roll Music, any old time you choose it. She was always singing, we went on long holidays,   and she would sing literally for six  hours in the car until we had to tell   her to just stop for a bit, give us a break. My brother and my sister and I started singing   a lot together. Like we'd just harmonise all  the time around the house and then, yeah,   when I was about 14 or so, I started singing  with my brother's jazz band on the weekends.  Suddenly the audience would change  when she was singing. I think she had   it instinctively in her like she it seemed  to be quite natural to her to be on stage.  I went to boarding school because my older brother   and sister went and they loved it  and it had an amazing music program.  They had this music room with a piano in it that  I just used to go and sit in and play the piano,   just improvising for hours and hours on end and I  think that became a real, a real lifeline for me.   I just felt so much pressure to figure out what  I was going to do with my life and, you know, try   and get good grades. And I'm very obsessive  and I just got I just got really overwhelmed.   This one incident happened, it was in Year  11, and I had a collapse one day on the walk   back from the food hall to the boarding house.  I just felt like, I don't know, it was like I   wanted to just implode and all I remember was just  like being on the ground, unable to open my eyes   and everybody just running around me shouting. We got a call from the school saying that she   was having problems, they'd admitted her to  the infirmary, so we went down to see her.  I remember having a talk with my dad and saying  I think I might be depressed was the first time   I'd ever used that word. And he was just kind  of silent for a bit. And then he was like,   well it's probably time that I told you that I've  had depression my whole life, too and it kind of   runs in my family. So you probably are depressed. At that I burst into tears and I but I also felt   a bit of relief because it was like, oh, it's a  legitimate thing. Whatever is happening to me.  Soon after that I started on  antidepressants and that helped a   lotcand music became a real saviour for me really. Missy had won a school competition, and the prize   was recording a song, so we had this recording. Remember you rang me up at school and you said   there's this competition called Unearthed, and  we think that you should enter All For Believing   in it. Yeah. And then you. And then when you  won, I screamed the house down.. Oh, my God,   she's gonna be famous. And Mum and Dad were like,  whatever. Yeah. They didn't really know. What it   was. I didn't really know how big a deal it was  either. And then and then I realised that I'd   suddenly become a little bit cooler at school. Somebody said can you find your way to God  As a result of winning that, there was a  showcase and she had to play five songs   which was in two week's time or something  so she had to write a couple of new ones.  And they were all incredible and we were like,  oh my God she's actually she's going to be a   musician. That's now her thing, it was amazing. Katie was a little girl who never found the way.  I then sort of took on the role as manager until  she found a manager and me with no, you know,   tone deaf me. Never was ok.  I had heard Missy on the radio and made a note  that I had to try and find out more about her.   Later that same day, her mother called up,  looking for some advice. Um, I literally   answered the phone and said, Margaret,  you've just beaten me to the punch.  Applause, thank you very much. I was really excited, but I think I was   a little bit overwhelmed. So it took me quite a  long time to be able to write for the first album  This album I'm working towards, I don't  know, if it had to have an underlying theme,   the troubles and the happiness, just  all the ups and downs of growing up.  John Watson, Missy's Manager called me and said,  we'd love to get you on just to help Missy do a   small little, you know, solo tour. Suddenly I can't stay in this room  But it just very quickly exploded…and suddenly  it was like, we've got all these dates.  This is how it goes, baby And it just did not stop.  I remember making the conscious decision of, like,  I'm not going to be this pop starlet, that you can   dress a certain way or make to look a certain  way I don't want you know. I don't want you to   try to make me look sexy in order to sell my  songs. So the hair came off. The shoes came off. There's so much punk attitude to Missy. It  would have been a really big deal to be that   young and to stay true to yourself. As soon as  I was exposed to her and hearing her Australian   accent, it was like, wow, this is cool. My producer, John Porter, was just like,   he made a few jokes about it, like Sound of White. And I was like, screw you, this is my accent,   this is where I come from, this is my sound. So I  remember really like dialling up the Aussie ness   of my accent from that point onwards. Sometimes  I wonder if he hadn't made that comment whether   that album would have sounded quite so Aussie. He left a card, a bar of soap, and a scrubbing   bush next to a note that said  use these down to your bones.  The first single that was released was Scar. Trying to squeeze through a circle,   he tried to cut me so I fit There were plenty of   radio stations, commercial stations that  didn't add Scar when it first came out,   didn't add it for months. In fact, there were  lots of people who told us that she would never   work in that mainstream world because she  didn't do all the things you normally have   to do to have pop success. Doesn't that feel peculiar  It turned out that was actually one of the reasons  that people related to her most was because she   did have that point of difference. To never go that far could   you leave me with a scar That song was massive for me,   and I don't think the Sound of White would  have had the success it did without it.  And the Aria for Album of the  Year goes to… Missy Higgins..  I don't think anybody expected it to be  what it became in terms of, you know,   selling a million copies and winning all the  ARIA Awards and all those sorts of things.  Wow, this is Unbelievable. I loved the fact that I was successful   and that were people were loving my music, but I  didn't really love everything that came with it.  That explosion onto the scene happened when  she was really quite young, you know, and   that's a very vulnerable age when  you're trying to find yourself. I think in the early days people  were very interested in my love life,   my sexuality and, and who I was dating  and what gender I was dating. And I   found that really hard because. Um,  I was still figuring it out at the   time but also just very private person. So that was a tricky time. News flash,   I was that person we went out, Missy and I went  out together. Um. And it was great, it was a great   relationship, we had a really lovely time. It kind  of made sense. We were just working together and   touring the world together. We were young. But it  was really hard, it was still a sensitive thing.  I feel like kids coming up today…like some people  are very comfortable being like, I'm completely,   you know, fluid in every, every way, gender  fluid, sexuality fluid. And I think that's kind   of amazing. And I think if it was me coming up at  that age right now, I would probably be the same.   Like just no labels. I'm not interested in labels.  But I was, um, coming into the industry at a time   where it was still very taboo and it all just felt  quite terrifying and I didn't feel like I could be   myself, and all I wanted to do was just to relax  somewhere and not be noticed. And my partner at   the time told me about Broome, and because she'd  lived there for a couple of years in the past.  So we went for a holiday and she fell in  love with it. The moment you get off the   plane in that place, it's just like you  feel it, it just hits you in the chest.  There's no ego in Broome, it's just like the  dirt and the water and good people and music   and I really felt like I could just take a breath  there. So I wrote a lot of my second album there.  I think certainly the second album was  hard because all of a sudden there was   so much weight on it and so much expectation  and, and not just from people on the outside,   but for herself. And we broke up in the process of  her writing that album. And I think suddenly some   of those doors flew open and she was able to write  a few, a few songs there, so it wasn't all bad.  Over the course of that second album, she  moved to America and toured a lot and made   some real inroads in America. Had a gold  single with Where I Stood and, you know,   got to the point where she could sell 2 or  3,000 tickets in most big American cities.  I just did laps and laps and laps of America,  'd just become this machine, and I'd become so   removed from, you know, the teenager that used  to write songs in her bedroom because she loved   it. I just didn't love music anymore. After all  that, it had turned into something completely   different, and I just, I hated it, I hated it. And she took me out for brunch and, and said,   you know don't call me about work anymore  because I'm going to quit. And she did. So   yeah it was frustrating that she was choosing  to pull the plug, but I wasn't shocked by it   because she'd really struggled badly with writer's  block, and she'd really tried everything to get   around it and just nothing was working for her. I did a whole heap of soul searching stuff. So I   went to uni, I started Australian Indigenous  studies, um, which I loved. I was searching   really hard for some other thing that I could do  with my life because I didn't think that music   really mattered, and I wanted to do something that  made a real, tangible difference in the world.  We didn't sort of put anything in front of her  for probably a good 18 months. And then out of the   blue, she was offered a week of shows, um, on the  Lilith Fair festival, which was a touring festival   of all female artists in America that was  really big at the time. Um, curated by one   of her all-time heroes, Sarah McLachlan. And I was like, oh my God, my idol has   personally asked me to be involved in the  Lilith Fair, I can't say no to that and so   I went over to the US and I joined that  tour and yeah, it just changed my life.  Every place we went there was there was  a always a strong base of hardcore fans,   just so thrilled that she was back and coming  up to her after shows, just being like,   we're so glad that you're back. We've missed you.  When are you writing your next album? And I think   those interactions really took her by surprise. It was a real relief I think after so many   years of not knowing what my purpose was and  trying to find my purpose. It was. I mean,   it's a bit cliche, really. It was like, well,  your purpose is what you were doing all along.  Can we do the melody like? And I realised that I wanted   to make another album, so I started  working on that and it's quite ironic   really that third album ended up  being a lot about writer's block.  And Everyone's Waiting, and it's getting  harder to hear what my heart is saying  After that whole album was finished, I had  a bit of downtime, so I went to Broome,   and in Broome I met Dan. It was just the right timing,   I think and we also had a lot in common, like he  was a playwright and, um, we were both creative   and neurotic and, um, very, very emotional and  very excitable. So we just like we just talked   and talked about books and art and plays and  music and, um, I felt like I could he was like   my creative equal in that way. So it was really  nice. We just, yeah, we just became inseparable.  It was all very exciting, you know  and Dan, he completely adored her.  Their wedding was really beautiful. Like seeing  them just giggling at the altar was pretty cute.  So yeah, we went into it super quickly. We were  engaged after six months and I was pregnant after   we'd been together for 11 months. So Sammy came first and three and   a half years later, Luna came. Luna, Sammy come on…it's a sunny   afternoon, there's going to be a few  puddles at the bottom of the garden  I think the baby years and the toddler years  were pretty dreamy. I loved the idea of just   having this family unit, because I'd  grown up in a, a really happy family.  I swallowed a bug. And I don't know, I guess I just wanted   that for my kids. And my, my brother and sister  were separated and I remember my sister saying   to me at one point, she's like, I reckon you're  going to be the one to make it work. You know,   you and Dan, you're going to last. And I thought,  yeah, I can do this. But yeah, it didn't work.  I think just having kids in general is really  hard for a relationship. Like it's just it's   like putting little bombs into your partnership  and I think for us we just didn't know how to   make it work as a family. Like there was just  too much of a clash with how we wanted to do   things and both of our coping mechanisms with,  you know, loudness and chaos were different.  There was no fighting ever. There was  just kind of a sadness of like, yeah,   this just it's not working. Both of us just  want to find a way to stay sane and to stay   happy and and just…yeah, separating and living  in different places just seem like, tragically,   the just the logical option for us. The night that we called it quits I   was wearing this dress and it was NYE 2021, I was  performing for the ABC NYE broadcast and I'd been   bawling my eyes out all day and  I could hardly sing, when I look   back at the performance I think that's rough.. She was breaking inside that day and having to   perform on a big stage. while her world was  falling apart was extraordinarily difficult.  That's the night everything changed I mean, it's always sad when a marriage   breaks up, but, you know, she and  Dan are really good friends, really   supportive of each other, the kids are happy. After about a year, I started to. Ah, yeah,   just be able to wrap some words around it and  and go, okay. Yeah, that was that feeling.  It's just wonderful that she has music, you know,  to process her emotions, to use that space to   process her emotions. It's very cathartic.  It's a bit like having a diary, isn't it?   Except that everybody in Missy's  case, everybody gets to read it. And it breaks my heart trying to  find some words you'll understand/  In a way I wanted to write songs about how,  you know, I was now this fierce, independent,   strong, single woman who was like, you know, just  doing it all and loving it and realising that I'm   better off alone. But it's not the reality,  like it's just really hard and really sad.  And all that I can tell you is a complicated truth I mean you don't hear many songs from the   perspective of a mother trying to  explain divorce to their children.  Now our love is something new But it just felt like it's not   like what I've gone through is  unusual, you know? I've just   become a single mum unexpectedly at  the age of 40, and I'm sure there's   probably half the audience can relate to that. Sometimes happiness is the hardest thing to choose  You see it, they're crying in the audience  or they're laughing and it's this really,   um, kind of raw kind of connection  they have with her and her music.  As we get older, we don't want to hear like  the rite of passage, like falling in love for   the first time story. We want other stories. I think I'm ready for the turning of the wheel  Just as Missy helped give voice, I think, to a  lot of teenage and early 20s experiences with   The Sound of White, she's now giving that same  expression and voice to the experience of people   in their 30s or 40s or 50s who are having to kind  of reinvent themselves. And just because there's   no commercial radio station that's willing to play  it, um, doesn't mean that it's not a sentiment   that plenty of fans are going to relate to. But it's intermission, life's calling me back,   I think I'm ready for the Second Act  I feel like I've learned over the  years that honesty and vulnerability   is ultimately the thing that just  makes you feel the best and makes   you feel more connected to other people. Coz its been ten days without you in my reach  And it's been gratifying the amount of people  that still want to listen to my music and still   find it important, that's incredible. Time has changed nothing at all, you're   still the only one that feels like home, you're  still the only one I've ever loved, oh yeah. Thank you very much.  I decided to paint Missy for the Archibald. I'm so excited because she hasn't seen it   yet. I know exactly what she's going to do.  She's going to go, 'Ah, it looks like a photo'.  Welcome to Sydney weather. It's  supposed to be Melbourne weather.  Ah, there I am, oh my God it's so big,  how do you do that? It's really good, Nic.  Oh, thanks. It looks like a photo.