Josh vs. Shayne (Roast Battle)

Today, two HaHa heavyweights will go head to head in one of the hottest roast battles the Mythical studio has ever seen. It's Mythical chef Josh versus Smosh superstar Shayne, roasting each other to the hundredth degree. Their goal, deliver the hottest burn or suffer the consequences. Being served up by the one and only HaHaBachi chef, Trevor. Who will deliver the sickest burns and who will eat them? This is HaHaBachi. Josh, Shayne, welcome to my restaurant. You're here to roast each other. Okay? Do you guys think, are you guys friends? You would say? Yeah. Yeah. You say you're friends. Okay. Do you think that your friendship is gonna survive? Okay, the rules are simple. I don't know. House of cards, I think. One comes out, we're going down. The rules are simple. You're gonna take turns roasting each other, and I hope that you've brought some good ones and that they pander to me because I am the judge, and whoever's roast I deem to be the sickest, then they'll win. And then the other person's gotta eat some crap, some real bad stuff that I've cooked up. I mean, actually, it's fire. I cooked up some heat under here. It's totally gonna be good. So, shall we begin? If I don't get an onion volcano, I am flipping this table and leaving. Okay. Okay. Hey. All right. Throw a shrimp in my mouth. It's time to reveal our first dish. Oh, God. Pop-Tart. Thank you. Oh, well done on that one, Chef. Yeah. Oh, believe me, I know. Is that necessary, do you think? Oh, God. Just. Revved it up. It's so burnt that it will not burn anymore. This is ready to go in the urn and scattered in the. I'm gonna leave. It's on fire a little bit there. I'm just gonna let that sizzle. I love that. A little bit. Okay, Josh, since I've known you longer, you've been my friend for longer. I'm gonna let Shayne go first. Oh, wow. Actually. In this direction? Yeah. That's, see, I actually would have preferred you to go first. Because that would give me the edge to be. Josh, you can go first. Okay, great. Thank you, Trevor. When Shayne was eighteen months old, he fell in a pool and almost died. His brain was so starved of oxygen that his parents thought he may have had brain damage until he was six years old. Shayne, that must've been very hard for your family. And I'm sorry. Roasted. Got him. What? What? I've never done one of these. I don't know how they usually go. Where'd you get that? Oh, I keep it in the grundle. It's warm. God. Wow. Okay. That was awesome. Well, feel free to clap back. Yeah. Josh hosts a show called Last Meals. It's called Last Meals because everyone wants to kill themselves after having a conversation. So. Oh, no, I just. I did it recently, and immediately on the phone with my therapist afterwards. It was. I'm so glad you're okay. I'm so glad you're okay. After the Tom Hanks scare. I don't know if you know this, we shot it with Tom Hanks, but. Yeah. No answer. Yeah, I know. I know. How was Chris Pratt on Smosh? Good? What's he up to now? I don't know. No, those were both, like, really good. I would say almost equally good. Unfortunately, Josh, I'm gonna have to give you this Pop-Tart. Wait, hold on. Let me just. I disagree with your ruling. Please enjoy. Can I split it in half and eat out the center? That's how I normally do it. Yeah, go ahead. Thanks. Oh, the texture. The inside looks like it's still good. No, it turned into a hard rock candy. Oh, my God. Okay. Rough. Can I have a diet ginger ale? I'm just gonna. On my rider, I need a diet ginger ale. All right, guys, this next one, Warheads sour candy. Sour but not hot. He can't taste sour. You know what is hot? Habanero hot sauce. That's right, guys. This one's gonna be a fun one. We got a Scoville count on this, Lily? No? Writers? No? It smells hot. So, Shayne, since you went second last time. That's thick. You can go first now for free. All right. That actually smells really hot. All right, here I go. Josh's body looks like it would bully Josh's face. No! No! It would. It would. Oh, no. Oh, man. Jesus. Oh, God. Josh, you're still. You know, you get to go next, but I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna set this here. Yeah, what are you gonna do? Feel free. Shayne, you were on a Disney show called So Random. Which is exactly what people are gonna say to you in five years when you're their UberEeats delivery driver. Where's Demi, Shayne? Why isn't she coming back to So Random? Oh, no. Oh, man. That's crazy. And I'll do it proudly. Those were both really good. I will say, though, a part of Shayne's roast was kind of a compliment. Because he said he's got a good body. So. Or at least like a mean body. Or at least a body that inflicts cruelty. So for this one, Shayne, I'm gonna have to give you the. What? Josh, you can keep the milk, though. Thank you. Oh, my God. Get in there. That was my favorite one. I got better. Okay. It was really good. Thought about tanking it, doing a weaker one. It was really good. Okay. Oh, that's icky. Yeah, that's a whole lot of stuff. Oh, wow. You getting more sour or hot? It's both, and, yeah. It's very fine. I'm okay. Watching him is making me sweat a little. Anyways. All right. All right. I hope you guys have been cooking. Because I sure have, this popcorn, for way too long. Popcorn button on the microwave. Every single one's different. Am I right, guys? You always got a new microwave. You gotta figure out how long to. Okay, you eat it now. Josh, based on the way that we've been doing turns thus far in the game, you may proceed. Going to ASU online and saying you went to college is like working at Smosh and calling yourself a comedian. Louder isn't always funnier, Shayne. Let's get some material. That's a double roast right here at the table, too. That's devastating. Because you were really proud of graduating too, so that's kind of like, cut a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. That hurts. No, that was a big thing. I'm proud of you. Thanks. For the record, as your friend. Thanks, Trevor. Feel free. Go Sun Devils. Online Sun Devils. Yeah, the online ones. You ever see a phoenix that didn't let you in? Wow, he's still going. Josh is not. Waitlisted or? He's doing a combo. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Josh is what we'd get if The Bear aired on Spike TV. Pros Versus Joes was a good show. You knowing a specific show from it proves it. I lived on Spike TV. Oh my God. And Battlebots reruns. You guys are making my job tough, man. These are good. These are good. Okay. College, Smosh. You know, that's tough because I'm on Smosh. So you kind of roasted me, too. Yeah. I don't know. Spike TV. Shayne was in his bag with that one. Josh, I'm sorry. I agree. Popcorn's for you, buddy. I will not apologize for watching Spike TV. Absolutely not. Get a more burnt piece. This one. You want me to do it in your mouth? Yeah, pop it in. Okay. One more. No. One more, one more, one more. One more. Okay, here we go. Come on. All right. Yes! So burnt. I don't like it. Nice. Spicy, man. I don't. What if the milk doesn't help? Beverage. But first, if you haven't heard about it somehow. Rhett and Link's new series, Rhett and Link's Wonderhole, premiered yesterday on the original Rhett and Link channel. Be sure to check that out when you're finished up here with us. Check it out. Gentlemen, I have this drink straight from the bar. And our master mixologist, Lily Cousins, has told me that it's bourbon with a lot of spicy things in it, such as, but not limited to scorpion pepper, serrano, and a few other things that I forgot already. So. Really making the most of the teppanyaki grill here with that cocktail, Trev.. Okay, you want me to flip it? I'll do it. I swear. I'll do it. Right in here. Okay, Shayne, let her rip. Hit me. I can take it. Okay, great. If you've ever wondered what it would look like if Chicken Little worked out, here's your answer. Never seen it. Next roast. But I banked on Trevor having seen it. No, I've seen Chicken Little. No, it's good. Is it true? Yeah. Shoot. It is, man. Oh, that's tough. You don't get it, but that's pretty good. It's all right. Well, go ahead now. Shayne. Shayne Topp. Yeah. You know, it's funny your last name is Topp, because it's the one placed on the shelves you'll never see. You're short. Two and a half inches below the median American height for a male. Okay. Same height as Tom Cruise. Well, you made it awesome now. Thanks. Yeah, dude, you really kind of sold there. That was pretty good until the Tom Cruise bit. Yeah. No, I love, you know, I love short jokes about Shayne. I've been known to make a few of those myself. The top shelf. That's good. That's a new. That's a new twist. However, comma. Unfortunately, the Chicken Little reference is just. Can somebody show me an image of Chicken Little? I've put my phone. It'll be devastating for you. Yeah. I don't want to see it. You don't want to see it. This is a live action film? Yeah. No? Yeah, no, it is. No. Was he like a sex symbol in that? Yeah. Get it. Oh, shoot that is. I took a sip like it was a normal cocktail. Wait. I do look like Chicken Little. He's a sex symbol. I'm not drooling. I can't do this. Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. I'm trying to get it off my tongue. Where'd the milk go? Someone took the milk from me. Gentlemen. No, this is not Chipotle sofritas. It does look like it. This is cottage cheese with a lot of cayenne pepper. And I'm gonna put more. It's a good vegetarian option. I'm a sick little freak. Yeah. I ate there a lot when I was vegan for, like, six months. Oh, God. So I'm just gonna. Before your time in my life. So. Ethical, nutritional? What was the reason? I don't. A little bit of both, I'd say I ended up just getting to a point. That's not. We're here to roast each other. Okay, sorry. Yeah, we can talk about this later. Forgot about that. So, yeah, this is cottage cheese. Josh, it's your turn, so go ahead. These have been awesome, by the way. Thanks. I'm proud of you guys. And I hate that guy, but like, I'm having a great time. I'm sorry. You said some irreparable things. Shayne. Okay. You and I are pretty similar. Would you agree? And we need you to agree. We need you to. Yes. We both go to the gym. Yeah. We both like food. Oh, yes. We were both given YouTube success by two established daddies. Fair. But my daddies didn't get divorced because the kids weren't funny enough. Oh, if the videos were doing better, he would have stayed. Oh, no. Wow. I did earn his love back. So, they did get back together. Yeah. I like his tattoos. Anthony left Smosh if you didn't. That's what the joke was. But he's back now, so now you're caught up. That was good. It's never the same. No, that was good. Anyone out there watch any Smosh from back then? Josh kind of hit it on the head. Am I right? Hey! Got us. Got us both. Nailed it. Please. Anyways. Please go ahead now. Josh. Hey, can I take a photo of you to my barber? Or should I just. Should I just ask to get the jazz age pedophile? I'd prefer if you brought a photo of me, yeah. Okay. And they'll be like, oh, this is a jazz aged pedophile. That was good. I want them to have to say it. Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. Thank you, Okay. Oh, man. God. In one corner, we've got low YouTube views. In other corner, we've got pedophile. Yeah, you know. Pretty tough. When in doubt, throw a pedophile at your opponent. That's crazy. You're a pedophile. Oh, man. Unfortunately, Josh, I'm gonna have to give you the cottage cheese. There's no have to. There's no unfortunately. Give it to him. It's gonna be that. Kind of looks like Daphne's Greek Cafe's Fire Feta. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is so bad. That's so aggressively bad. Is this only cottage cheese and cayenne? Yeah. There's a crunch. There's so much cayenne that it is crunching. It's like, I got a mouthful of aand at the beach. And you did this to me. I'm sorry. Mashed potatoes. They're very hot. Not, like, spicy. Like, they're just hot. Like, the temperature. They're very hot. What? They're hot mashed potatoes. That's not, like, an unpleasant sensation. That's like a potential scalding. I didn't do. Okay, pull back the curtain here. I didn't do the punishments. I didn't come up with it, okay. It was just falling. Aren't there laws? Not here. Aren't there laws to protect me from this? Not in my kitchen, buddy. You're a brutal dictator. I know. I'm excited. You guys have been doing good. Heavy hitters here for the last round. I hope you've come with some good material. Shayne. I go? Shayne, go. All right, here we go. Josh, in all seriousness, congratulations on, you know, your cookbook, all your success. You're like the Barefoot Contessa if she had weird nipples, a bad back, and nobody knew who she was. I told you, no nipple stuff. That was my only requirement, Shayne. You told me that right before you began filming. You be the judge. You told me you were insecure about your nipples right before we started, and you expected me not to say something about it? In confidence. You said it in confidence in front of everyone here. Right in that moment, I was like, okay. Oh, man. Storied career. What a woman. Improv nipple joke. No, that was good. Josh, do you have anything to say about Shayne's nipples? What if he says the same exact joke. In two thousand and twenty-one, iCarly was rebooted after a nine year hiatus. Shayne topp was not invited back. You did a good job with it, Shayne. You would have made it so much worse. Yeah, for sure. Oh, man, I just love the declaration of facts. Yeah. It's funny, because it's true. It's not an opinion. It's just you weren't there. Nope. That's the only thing on my Wikipedia page, that I wasn't invited to. Yeah, no, I love. I love an iCarly joke. You know that. Yeah. God, you know, this is tough. I don't know. Since this is the last round, do you guys have any closing statements? Any ones you wish you would have got in? I'm gonna open up the floor here. Yeah, I had Josh as the human embodiment of a Coors Banquet. They're really good. You just lost the whole game. That's awesome. This guy's sick, dude. Spike TV, Coors Banquet, Chicken Little, national sex symbol. I know, man. Hey, that's how I roll. Your mustache sucks. I never said it to your face. I just, I really think it sucks. One that I really did just have just in the chamber ready was just waiting and just being like, Josh is dumb. I was gonna call you, numb nuts. I wrote it out on the sheet. I just wrote numb nuts. And then I was gonna go. And then what I was gonna do. I was literally gonna go, gonna go. LeBron. And I never brought it out, but I had to now. Oh, my God. No, that's. Let's do a, leave a comment if you want part two. It seems like we got more. We got so much left. Oh, my God. Got so much. Shayne, I'm gonna give you the hot taters for this last one, but could I get a hotter bowl? Because this one cooled down. Can you set it? I don't have gloves. Oh, my God. Thank you, Lily. What the? This is really legitimately super hot. Enjoy it. Yeah. What the? I'm not a chef. I don't have, like, the mouth, like, temperature. Stop stalling, mouth boy. Oh, my God. Guys, this is ridiculous. Be careful. Just, like, touch it with your tongue. Just, like, tongue it a little bit. It's really genuinely very hot. Look at the producers. They're over there. I don't know what the legality of this is. Yeah, I was hoping that Josh would get this one. Why me? Our mouths are the same. Shayne is a guest. Just, yeah, let it just hang in the air for a little bit, Shayne. I'm really genuinely a baby. I'm that person who lets my coffee sit, like, way too long, because I can't. I actually am. I am, too. Okay. Okay, stop. You can stop. Hey. Hey, everyone. Look at him. Hey, everyone. Look at him. You gave this to me. What a fun time we had here. Thank you, everyone. Thank you both for participating in this very fun game where nobody's feelings get hurt. It's been an honor to be your chef tonight. There is twenty percent gratuity automatically applied. But, you know, feel free to be more generous if you'd like. And thanks for hanging out, everyone. Don't forget to check out Wonderhole, and we'll see you next weekend. Numb nuts. The Mythical Cookbook is available wherever you get your books. We love it. We love seeing all the amazing foods fans are making with it. What are you waiting for? Get your own copy today at mythicalcookbook.com