The Handmaid's Tale Read By Elisabeth Moss | Author: Margaret Atwood | Length 10 hrs and 48 mins

the handmaid's tale by Margaret Atwood read by Elizabeth Moss and when Rachel saw that she beared Jacob no children Rachel envied her sister and said unto Jacob give me children or else I die and Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel and he said am I in God's stead who hath withheld from Thee the fruit of the womb and she said behold my maid bilha go in unto her and she shall bear upon my knees that I may also have children by her Genesis Chapter 30 verse 1 to 3. but as to myself having been wearied out for many years with offering vain Idol Visionary thoughts and at length utterly despairing of success I fortunately fell upon this proposal Jonathan Swift a modest proposal in the desert there is no sign that says Thou shalt not eat stones Sufi proverb 1. night chapter one we slept in what had once been the gymnasium the floor was a varnished wood with stripes and circles painted on it for the games that were formally played there the Hoops for the basketball nets were still in place though the Nets were gone a balcony ran around the room for the spectators and I thought I could smell faintly like an after image the pungent scent of sweat shot through with the sweet taint of chewing gum and perfume from the watching girls felt skirted as I knew from pictures later in mini skirts than pants then in one earring spiky green streaked hair dances would have been held there the music lingered a palimpsest of unheard sound style upon style an undercurrent of drums forlorn whale garlands made of tissue paper flowers cardboard Devils a revolving ball of mirrors powdering the dancers with a snow of light there was old sex in the room and loneliness and expectation of something without a shape or name I remember that yearning for something that was always about to happen and was never the same as the hands that were on us there and then in the small of the back or out back in the parking lot or in the television room with the sound turned down and only the pictures flickering over lifting flesh we yearned for the future how did we learn it that talent for insatiability it was in the air and it was still in the air an afterthought as we tried to sleep in the army cots that had been set up in rows with spaces between us so we could not talk we had flannelite sheets like children's and army issue blankets old ones that still said U.S we folded our clothes neatly and laid them on the stools at the ends of the beds the lights were turned down but not out Aunt Sarah and Ann Elizabeth patrolled they had electric cattle prods slung on thongs from their leather belts no guns though even they could not be trusted with guns guns were for the guards specially picked from the angels the guards weren't allowed inside the building except when called and we weren't allowed out except for our walks twice daily two by two around the football field which was enclosed Now by a chain link fence topped with barbed wire the Angels stood outside it with their backs to us they were objects of fear to us but of something else as well If Only They would look if only we could talk to them something could be exchanged we thought some deal made some trade-off we still had our bodies that was our fantasy we learned to whisper almost without sound in the semi-darkness we could stretch out our arms when the ants weren't looking and touch each other's hands across space we learned to lip read our heads flat on the beds turned sideways watching each other's mouths in this way we exchange names from bed to bed Alma Janine Dolores Moira June two shopping chapter 2. a chair a table a lamp above on the white ceiling a relief ornament in the shape of a wreath and in the center of it a blank space plastered over like the place in a face where the eye has been taken out there must have been a chandelier once they've removed anything you could tie a rope to a window two white curtains under the window a window seat with a little cushion when the window is partly open it only opens partly the air can come in and make the curtains move I can sit in the chair or on the window seat hands folded and watch this sunlight comes in through the window too and falls on the floor which is made of wood and narrow strips highly polished I can smell the Polish there's a rug on the floor oval of braided rags this is the kind of touch they like folk art archaic made by women in their spare time from things that have no further use a return to Traditional Values waste not want not I am not being wasted why do I want on the wall above the chair a picture framed but with no glass a print of flowers blue irises watercolor flowers are still allowed does each of us have the same print the same chair the same white curtains I wonder government issue think of it as being in the Army said Aunt Lydia a bed single mattress medium hard covered with a flocked white spread nothing takes place in the bed but sleep or no sleep I try not to think too much like other things now thought must be rationed there's a lot that doesn't bear thinking about thinking can hurt your chances and I intend to last I know why there is no glass in front of the watercolor picture of blue irises and why the window only opens partly and why the glass in it is shatterproof it isn't running away they're afraid of we wouldn't get far it's those other escapes the ones you can open in yourself given a cutting edge so apart from these details this could be a college guest room for the less distinguished visitors or a room in a rooming House of former times for ladies in reduced circumstances that is what we are now the circumstances have been reduced for those of us who still have circumstances but a chair sunlight flowers these are not to be dismissed I am alive I live I breathe I put my hand out unfolded into the sunlight where I am is not a prison but a privilege as Aunt Lydia said who was in love with either or the Bell that measures time is ringing time here is measured by Bells as once in nunaries as in a nunnery too there are a few mirrors I get up out of the chair Advance my feet into the sunlight in their red shoes flat healed to save the spine and not for dancing the red gloves are lying on the bed I picked them up pull them onto my hands Finger by finger everything except the Wings around my face is red the color of blood which defines us the skirt is ankle length full gathered to a flat yoke that extends over the breasts the sleeves are full the white wings too are prescribed issue there to keep us from seeing but also from being seen I never looked good in red it's not my color I pick up the shopping basket put it over my arm the door of the room not my room I refuse to say my is not locked in fact it doesn't shove properly I go out into the polished hallway which has a runner down the center Dusty pink like a path through the forest like a carpet for royalty it shows me the way the carpet bends and goes down the front staircase and I go with it one hand on the banister once a tree turned in another Century rubbed to a warm gloss late Victorian houses a family house built for a large Rich family there's a grandfather clock in the hallway which Doles out time and then the door to the motherly front sitting room with its flesh tones and hints a sitting room in which I never said but stand or kneel only at the end of the hallway above the front door is a fan light of colored glass flowers red and blue there remains a mirror on the hall wall if I turn my head so that the white Wings framing my face direct my vision towards it I can see it as I go down the stairs round convex a Pure Glass like the eye of a fish and myself in it like a distorted shadow a parody of something some fairy tale figure in a Red Cloak descending towards a moment of carelessness that is the same as Danger sister dipped in blood at the bottom of the stairs there's a hat and umbrella stand the Bentwood kind long-rounded rungs of wood curving gently up into hooks shaped like the opening fronds of a fern there are several umbrellas in it black for the commander blue for the Commander's wife and the one assigned to me which is red I leave the Red Umbrella where it is because I know from the window that the day is sunny I wonder whether or not the Commander's wife is in the sitting room she doesn't always sit sometimes I can hear her pacing back and forth a heavy step and then a light one and the soft tap of her cane on the dusty rose carpet I walk along the hallway past the sitting room door and the door that leads into the dining room and open the door at the end of the hall and go through into the kitchen here the smell is no longer a furniture polish Rita is in here standing at the kitchen table which has a top of chipped white enamel she's in her usual Martha's dress which is dull green like a surgeon's gown of the time before the dress is much like mine in shape long and concealing but with a bib apron over it and without the white wings and the Veil she puts the veil on to go outside but nobody much cares who sees the face of a Martha her sleeves are rolled to the Elbow showing her Brown arms she's making bread throwing the loaves for the final brief kneading and then the shaping Rita sees me in nods whether in greeting or in simple acknowledgment of my presence it's hard to say and wipes her flowery hands on her apron and rummages in the kitchen drawer for the token book frowning she tears out three tokens and hands them to me her face might be kindly if she would smile the frown isn't personal it's the red dress she disapproves of and what it stands for she thinks I may be catching like a disease or any form of bad luck sometimes I listen outside closed doors the thing I never would have done in the time before I don't listen long because I don't want to be caught doing it once though I heard Rita say to Cora that she wouldn't debase herself like that nobody asking you Cora said anyways what could you do supposing go to the colonies Rita said they have the choice with the unwomen and starved to death and Lord knows what else said Cora catch you they were shelling peas even through the almost closed door I could hear the light clink of the hard peas falling into the metal Bowl I heard Rita a grunt or a sigh of protest or agreement anyways they're doing it for us all said Cora or so they say if I hadn't have got my tubes tied it could have been me say I was 10 years younger it's not that bad it's not what you'd call hard work better her than me Rita said and I open the door their faces were the way women's faces are when they've been talking about you behind your back and they think you've heard embarrassed but also a little defiant as if it were there right that day Cora was more pleasant to me than usual Rita more surly today despite Rita's closed face and pressed lips I would like to stay here in the kitchen Cora might come in from somewhere else in the house carrying her bottle of lemon oil in her duster and Rita would make coffee in the houses of the commanders there is still real coffee and we would sit at Rita's kitchen table which is not Rita's any more than my table is mine and we would talk about aches and pains illnesses our feet our backs all the different kinds of Mischief that our bodies like unruly children can get up to we would nod our heads as punctuation to each other's voices signaling that yes we know all about it we would exchange remedies and try to outdo each other in the recital of our physical miseries gently we would complain our voices soft and minor key and mournful as pigeons in the eaves troughs I know what you mean we'd say or a quaint expression you sometimes hear still from older people I hear where you're coming from as if the voice itself were a traveler arriving from a distant place which it would be which it is how I used to despise such talk now I long for it at least it was talk an exchange of sorts or we would gossip the marthas know things they talk among themselves passing the unofficial news from house to house like me they listen at doors no doubt and see things even with their eyes averted I've heard them on it sometimes caught whiffs of their private conversations stillborn it was or stabbed her with a knitting needle right in the belly jealousy it must have been eating her up or tantalizingly it was toilet cleaner she used work like a charm though you'd think you'd have tasted it must have been that drunk but they found her out all right or I would help Rita to make the bread sinking my hands into that soft resistant warmth which is so much like flesh hunger to touch something other than cloth or wood I hungered to commit the act of touch but even if I were to ask even if I were to violate to quorum to that extent Rita would not allow it she would be too afraid the marthas are not supposed to fraternize with us fraternized means to behave like a brother Luke told me that he said there is no corresponding word that meant to behave like a sister sororize it would have to be he said from the Latin do you like knowing about such details the derivations of words curious usages that used to tease him about being pedantic I take the tokens from Rita's outstretched hand they have pictures on them of the things they can be exchanged for 12 eggs a piece of cheese a brown thing that's supposed to be a steak I placed them in the zippered pocket in my sleeve where I keep my pass tell them fresh for the eggs she says not like last time and a chicken tell them not a hen tell the mood's four and then they won't mess around alright I say I don't smile why tempt her to Friendship chapter 3. I go out by the back door into the garden which is large and tidy a lawn in the middle a willow weeping catkins around the edges the flower borders in which the daffodils are now fading and the Tulips are opening their cups spilling out color the Tulips are red a darker Crimson towards the stem as if they have been cut and are beginning to heal there this Garden is the domain of the Commander's wife looking out through my shatterproof window I've often seen her in it her knees on a cushion a light blue Veil thrown over her wide gardening hat a basket at her side with shears in it and pieces of string for tying the flowers into place a guardian detailed to the commander does the heavy digging the Commander's wife directs pointing with her stick many of the wives have such Gardens it's something for them to order and maintain and care for I once had a garden I can remember the smell of the turned Earth the plump shapes of bulbs held in the hands fullness the dry rustle of seeds through the fingers time could pass more swiftly that way sometimes the Commander's wife has a chair brought out and just sits in it in her garden from a distance it looks like peace she isn't here now and I start to wonder where she is I don't like to come upon the Commander's wife unexpectedly perhaps she's sewing in the sitting room with her left foot on the footstool because of her arthritis or knitting scarves for the Angels at the front lines I can hardly believe the angels have a need for such scarves anyway the ones made by the Commander's wife are too elaborate she doesn't bother with the cross and star pattern used by many of the other wives it's not a challenge fur trees March along the ends of her scarves or Eagles or stiff humanoid figures boy and girl boy and girl they aren't scarves for grown men but for children sometimes I think these scarves aren't sent to the angels at all but unraveled and turned back into balls of yarn to be knitted again in their turn maybe it's just something to keep the wives busy to give them a sense of purpose but I envy the Commander's wife her knitting it's good to have small goals that can be easily attained what does she Envy me she doesn't speak to me unless she can't avoid it I am a reproach to her and a necessity we stood face to face for the first time five weeks ago when I arrived at this posting the guardian from the previous posting brought me to the front door on first days we are permitted front doors but after that we're supposed to use the back things haven't settled down it's too soon everyone is unsure about our exact status after a while it will be either all front doors or all back Aunt Lydia said she was lobbying for the front yours is a position of Honor she said the guardian rang the doorbell for me but before there was time for someone to hear and walk quickly to answer the door opened inward she must have been waiting behind it I was expecting a Martha but it was her instead and her long powder blue robe unmistakable so you're the new one she said she didn't step aside to let me in she just stood there in the doorway blocking the entrance she wanted me to feel that I could not come into the house unless she said so there's push and shove these days over such toll holds yes I said leave it on the porch she said this to the guardian who was carrying my bag the bag was red vinyl and not large there was another bag with the winter cloak and heavier dresses but that would be coming later the guardian set down the bag and saluted her then I could hear his footsteps behind me going back down the walk and the click of the front gate and I felt as if a protective arm were being withdrawn a threshold of a new house is a lonely place she waited until the car started up and pulled away I wasn't looking at her face but at the part of her I could see with my head lowered her blue waist thickened her left hand on the ivory head of her cane the large diamonds on the ring finger which must once have been fine and was still finally kept fingernail at the end of the knuckly finger filed to a gentle curving point it was like an ironic smile on that finger like something mocking her you might as well come in she said she turned her back on me and limped down the hall shut the door behind you I lifted the red bag inside as she'd no doubt intended then close the door I didn't say anything to her aunt Lydia said it was best not to speak unless they asked you a direct question try to think of it from their point of view she said her hands clasped and rung together her nervous pleading smile it isn't easy for them in here said the Commander's wife when I went into the sitting room she was already in her chair her left foot on the footstool with its Petty Point cushion roses in a basket her knitting was on the floor beside the chair the needle stuck through it I stood in front of her hands folded so she said she had a cigarette and she put it between her lips and gripped it there while she lit it her lips were thin held that way with the small vertical lines around them you used to see in advertisements for lip cosmetics the lighter was Ivory colored the cigarettes must have come from the black market I thought and this gave me hope even now that there is no real money anymore there's still a black market there's always a black market there's always something that can be exchanged she then was a woman who might bend the rules but what did I have betrayed I looked at the cigarette with longing for me like liquor and coffee cigarettes are forbidden so old what's his face didn't work out she said no ma'am I said she gave What Might Have Been a laugh then coughed tough luck on him she said this is your second isn't it third ma'am I said not so good for you either she said there was another coughing laugh you can sit down I don't make a practice of it but just this time I did sit on the edge of one of the stiff back chairs I didn't want to stare around the room I didn't want to appear inattentive to her so the marble mantle piece to my right and the mirror over it and the Bunches of flowers were just Shadows then at the edges of my eyes later I would have more than enough time to take them in now her face was on a level with mine I thought I recognized her or at least there was something familiar about her a little of her hair was showing from under her veil it was still blonde I thought then that maybe she bleached it that hair dye was something else she could get through the black market but I know now that it really is blonde her eyebrows were plucked Into Thin arched lines which gave her a permanent look of surprise or outrage or inquisitiveness such as you might see on a startled child but below them her eyelids were tired looking not so her eyes which were the flat hostile blue of A Midsummer sky in bright sunlight a blue that shuts you out her nose must once have been what was called cute but now it was too small for her face her face was not fat but it was large two lines LED downwards from the corners of her mouth between them was her chin clenched like a fist I want to see as little of you as possible she said I expect you feel the same way about me I didn't answer as a yes would have been insulting a no contradictory I know you aren't stupid she went on she inhaled blew out the smoke I've read your file as far as I'm concerned this is like a business transaction but if I get trouble I'll give trouble back you understand yes ma'am I said don't call me ma'am she said irritably you're not a Martha I didn't ask what I was supposed to call her because I could see that she hoped I would never have the occasion to call her anything at all I was disappointed I wanted then to turn her into an older sister a motherly figure someone who would understand and protect me the wife in my posting before this had spent most of her time in her bedroom the Martha said she drank I wanted this one to be different I wanted to think I would have liked her in another time and place another life but I could see already that I wouldn't have liked her nor shimi she put her cigarette out half smoked in a little scrolled ashtray on the lamp table beside her she did this decisively one jab and one grind not the series of genteel Taps favored by many of the wives as for my husband she said he's just that my husband I want that to be perfectly clear till death do us part it's final yes ma'am I said again forgetting they used to have dolls for little girls that would talk if you pulled the string at the back I thought I was sounding like that voice of a monotone voice of a doll she probably longed to slap my face they can't hit us they're scriptural precedent but not with any Implement only with their hands it's one of the things we fall for said the Commander's wife and suddenly she wasn't looking at me she was looking down at her knuckled Diamond studded hands I knew where I'd seen her before the first time was on television when I was eight or nine it was when my mother was sleeping in on Sunday mornings and I would get up early and go to the television set in my mother's study and flip through the channels looking for cartoons sometimes when I couldn't find any I would watch the growing Souls Gospel Hour where they would tell Bible stories for children and sing hymns one of the women was called Serena Joy she was the lead soprano she was ash blonde petite with a snub nose and huge blue eyes would she turn upwards during hymns she could smile and cry at the same time one tear or two sliding gracefully down her cheek as if On Cue as her voice lifted through its highest notes tremulous effortless it was after that that she went on to other things the woman sitting in front of me was Serena Joy or had been once so it was worse than I thought chapter 4. I walk along the gravel path that divides the back lawn neatly like a hair parting it is rain during the night the grass to either side is damp the air humid evidence of the fertility of the soil caught by the sun half dead flexible and pink like lips I open the white picket gate and continue past the front lawn and towards the front gate in the driveway one of the Guardians assigned to our household is washing the car that must mean the commander is in the house in his own quarters past the dining room and Beyond where he seems to stay most of the time the car is a very expensive one a whirlwind better than the Chariot much better than the chunky practical behemoth it's black of course the color of prestige or hearse and long and sleek the driver is going over it with a chamois lovingly this at least hasn't changed the way men caress good cars he's wearing the uniform of the Guardians but his cap is tilted at a jaunty angle and his sleeves are rolled to the Elbow showing his forearms tanned but with a stipple of dark hairs he has a cigarette stuck in the corner of his mouth which shows that he too has something he can trade on the black market I know this man's name Nick I know this because I've heard Rita and Cora talking about him and once I heard the commander speaking to him Nick I won't be needing the car he lives here in the household over the garage low status he hasn't been issued a woman not even one he doesn't write some defect lack of connections but he acts as if he doesn't know this or care he's too casual he's not servile enough it may be stupidity but I don't think so smells fishy they used to say or I smell a rat Misfit as odor despite myself I think of how he might smell not fish or decaying rat tan skin moist in the Sun filmed with smoke I sigh inhaling he looks at me and sees me looking he has a French face lean Whimsical all planes and angles with creases around the mouth where he smiles he takes a final puff of the cigarette lets it drop to the driveway and steps on it he begins to whistle then he winks I drop my head and turned so that the white Wings hide my face and keep walking he's just taken a risk for what what if I were to report him perhaps he was merely being friendly perhaps he saw the look on my face and mistook it for something else really what I wanted was the cigarette perhaps it was a test to see what I would do perhaps he's an i I open the front gate and close it behind me looking down but not back the sidewalk is red brick that is the landscape I focus on a field of Oblongs gently undulating where the Earth beneath has buckled from decade after decade of winter frost the color of the bricks is old yet fresh and clear sidewalks are kept much cleaner than they used to be I walk to the corner and wait I used to be bad at waiting they also serve who only stand and wait said Aunt Lydia she made us memorize it she also said not all of you will make it through some of you will fall on dry ground or Thorns some of you are shallow rooted she had a mole on her chin that went up and down while she talked she said think of yourself as seeds and right then her voice was weedling conspiratorial like the voices of those women who used to teach ballet classes to children and who would say arms up in the air Now Let's Pretend We're trees stand on the corner pretending I am I am a shape red with white Wings Around the face a shape like mine a non-descript woman in red carrying a basket comes along the brick sidewalk towards me she reaches me and WE peer at each other's faces looking down the white tunnels of cloth that enclose us she is the right one blessed be the fruit she says to me the accepted greeting Among Us may the Lord open I answer the accepted response we turn and walk together past the large houses towards the central part of town we aren't allowed to go there except in twos supposed to be for our protection though the notion is absurd we are well protected already the truth is that she is my spy as I am hers if either of us slips through the net because of something that happens on one of our daily walks the other will be accountable this woman has been my partner for two weeks I don't know what happened to the one before on a certain day she simply wasn't there anymore and this one was there in her place it isn't the sort of thing you ask questions about because the answers are not usually answers you want to know anyway there wouldn't be an answer this one is a little plumper than I am her eyes are brown her name is of Glenn and that's about all I know about her she walks to merely head down red gloved hands clasped in front with short little steps like a trained pigs on its hind legs during these walks she has never said anything that was not strictly orthodox but then neither have I she may be a real believer I handmaiden more than name I can't take the risk the war is going well I hear she says praise be I reply we've been sent good weather wish I receive with joy they've defeated more of the rebels since yesterday praise be I say I don't ask her how she knows what were they Baptists they had a stronghold in the Blue Hills they smoked them out praise be sometimes I wish she would just shut up and let me walk in peace but I'm ravenous for news any kind of news even if it's false news it must mean something we reached the first barrier which is like the barriers blocking off-road works or dug up sewers a wooden crisscross painted in yellow and black stripes a red hexagon which means stop near the Gateway there are some lanterns not lit because it is at night above us I know there are floodlights attached to the telephone poles for use in emergencies and there are men with machine guns in the pill boxes on either side of the road I don't see the floodlights and the pillboxes because of the Wings around my face I just know they are there behind the barrier waiting for us at the narrow Gateway there are two men in the green uniforms of the Guardians of the faith with the crests on their shoulders and berets two swords crossed above a white triangle the Guardians aren't real soldiers they're used for routine policing and other menial functions digging up the Commander's wife's Garden for instance and they're either stupid or older or disabled or very young apart from the ones that are eyes incognito these two are very young one mustache is still sparse one face is still blotchy their youth is touching but I know I can't be deceived by it the young ones are often the most dangerous the most fanatical the jumpiest with their guns they haven't yet learned about existence Through Time you have to go slowly with them last week they shot a woman right about here she was a Martha she was fumbling in her robe for her pass and they thought she was hunting for a bomb they thought she was a man in disguise there have been such incidents Rita and Cora knew the woman I heard them talking about it in the kitchen doing their job said Cora keeping us safe nothing safer than dead said Rita angrily she was minding her own business no call to shoot her it was an accident said quora no such thing said Rita everything is meant I could hear her thumping the pots around in the sink well someone will think twice before blowing up this house anyways said Cora all the same said Rita she worked hard that was a bad death I can think of worse said Cora at least it was quick you can say that said Rita I choose to have some time before like to set things right the two young Guardians salute us raising three fingers to the rims of their berets such tokens are accorded to us they are supposed to show respect because of the nature of our service we produce our passes from the zippered pockets in our wide sleeves and they are inspected and stamped one man goes into the right-hand pillbox to punch our numbers into the computech in returning my past the one with the peach-colored mustache bends his head to try to get a look at my face I raise my head a little to help him and he sees my eyes and I see his and he blushes his face is long and mournful like a sheep's but with the large full eyes of a dog spaniel not Terrier skin is pale and looks unwholesomely tender like the skin under a scab nevertheless I think of placing my hand on it this exposed face he is the one who turns away it's an event a small Defiance of rule so small as to be undetectable but such moments are the rewards I hold out for myself like the candy I hoarded as a child at the back of a drawer such moments are possibilities tiny peoples what if I were to come at night when he's on duty alone though he would never be allowed such solitude and permit him beyond my white wings what if I were to peel off my red shroud and show myself to him to them by the uncertain light of the lanterns this is what they must think about sometimes as they stand endlessly beside this barrier yes which nobody ever comes except the commanders of the faithful in their long black murmurous cars or their blue wives and white veiled daughters on their dutiful way to salvagings or praveaganzas or their dumpy green marthas or the occasional birth mobile or their red handmaids on foot or sometimes a black painted van with the winged eye in white on the side the windows of the Vans are dark tinted and the men in the front seats wear dark glasses a double obscurity the Vans are surely more silent than the other cars when they pass we avert our eyes if there are sounds coming from inside we try not to hear them nobody's heart is perfect when the black vans reach a checkpoint they're waved through without a pause the Guardians would not want to take the risk of looking inside searching doubting their Authority whatever they think if they do think you can't tell by looking at them but more likely they don't think in terms of clothing discarded on the lawn if they think of a kiss they must then think immediately of the floodlights going on the rifle shots they think instead of doing their Duty and of promotion to the angels and of being allowed possibly to marry and then if they are able to gain enough power and live to be old enough being allotted a handmaid of Their Own the one with the mustache opens the small pedestrian gate for us and stands back well out of the way and we pass through as we walk away I know they're watching these two men who aren't yet permitted to touch women they touch with their eyes instead and I move my hips a little feeling the full Red Squirt sway around me it's like thumbing your nose from behind a fence or teasing a dog with a bone held Out Of Reach and I'm ashamed of myself for doing it because none of this is the fault of these men they're too young then I find I'm not ashamed after all I enjoy the power power of a dog bone passive but there I hope they get hard at the side of us and have to rub themselves against the painted barriers surreptitiously they will suffer later at night in their regimented beds they have no outlets now except themselves and that's a sacrilege there are no more magazines no more films no more substitutes only me and My Shadow walking away from the two men who stand at attention stiffly by a roadblock watching our retreating shapes chapter 5. doubled I walked the street though we are no longer in the Commander's compound there are large houses here also in front of one of them a guardian is mowing the lawn The Lawns are tidy the facades are gracious and good repair they're like the beautiful pictures they used to print in the magazines about Homes and Gardens and interior decoration there is the same absence of people the same air of being asleep the street is almost like a museum or a street in a Model Town constructed to show the way people used to live as in those pictures those museums those model towns There Are No Children this is the heart of Gilead where the war cannot intrude except on television where the edges are we aren't sure they vary according to the attacks and counter-attacks but this is the center where nothing moves the Republic of Gilead said Aunt Lydia knows no bounds Gilead is within you doctors lived here once lawyers University professors there are no lawyers anymore and the university is closed Luke and I used to walk together sometimes along these streets we used to talk about buying a house like one of these an old big house fixing it up we would have a garden swings for the children we would have children although we knew it wasn't too likely we could ever afford it was something to talk about a game for Sundays such Freedom now seems almost weightless we turned the corner onto a main street where there's more traffic cars go by black most of them some gray and brown there are other women with baskets some in red some in the dull green of the marthas some in the striped dresses red and blue and green and cheap and skimpy that Mark the women of the poorer men Econo wives they're called these women are not divided into functions they have to do everything if they can sometimes there is a woman all in black a widow there used to be more of them but they seem to be diminishing you don't see the Commander's wives on the sidewalks only in cars the sidewalks here are cement like a child I avoid stepping on the cracks I'm remembering my feet on these sidewalks in the time before and what I used to wear on them sometimes it was shoes for running with cushions soles and breathing holes and stars of fluorescent fabric that reflected light in the Darkness though I never ran at night and in the daytime only beside well-frequented roads women were not protected then I remember the rules rules that were never spelled out but that every woman knew don't open your door to a stranger even if he says he's the police make him slide his idea into the door don't stop on the road to help a motorist pretending to be in trouble keep the locks on and keep going if anyone whistles don't turn to look don't go into a laundromat by yourself at night I think about laundromats what I wore to them shorts jeans jogging pants what I put into them my own clothes my own soap my own money I had earned myself I think about having such control now we walk along the same street in red pears and no man shouts obscenities at us speaks to us touches us no one whistles there is more than one kind of Freedom said Aunt Lydia Freedom 2 and freedom from in the days of Anarchy it was Freedom too now you are being given freedom from don't underrate it in front of us to the right is the store where we order dresses some people call them habits a good word for them habits are hard to break the store has a huge wooden sign outside it in the shape of a golden Lily Lilies of the Field it's called you can see the place under the Lily where the lettering was painted out when they decided that even the names of shops were too much Temptation for us now places are known by their signs alone lilies used to be a movie theater before students went there a lot every spring they had a Humphrey Bogart festival with Lauren Bacall or Catherine Hepburn women on their own making up their minds they wore blouses with buttons down the front that suggested the possibilities of the word undone these women could be undone or not they seem to be able to choose we seem to be able to choose then we were a society dying said Aunt Lydia of too much choice I don't know when they stopped having the festival I must have been grown up so I didn't notice we don't go into lilies but across the road and along a side street our first stop is at a store with another wooden sign three eggs a bee a cow milk and honey there's a line and we wait our turn two by two you see they have oranges today ever since Central America was lost to the libertyos oranges have been hard to get sometimes they're there sometimes not the war interferes with the oranges from California and even Florida isn't Dependable when there are roadblocks or when the train tracks have been blown up I look at the oranges longing for one but I haven't brought any tokens for oranges I'll go back and tell Rita about them I think she'll be pleased it will be something a small achievement to have made oranges happen those who've reached the counter hand their tokens across it to the two men and guardian uniforms who stand on the other side nobody talks much though there is a rustling and the women's heads move furtively from side to side here shopping is where you might see someone you know someone you've known in the time before or at the red Center just to catch sight of a face like that is an encouragement if I could see Moira just see her know she still exists it's hard to imagine now having a friend but of Glenn beside me isn't looking maybe she doesn't know anyone anymore maybe they've all vanished the women she knew or maybe she doesn't want to be seen she stands in silence head down as we wait in our double line the door opens and two more women come in both in the red dresses and white wings of the handmaids one of them is vastly pregnant her belly under her loose garment swells triumphantly there is a shifting in the room a murmur an escape of breath despite ourselves we turn our heads blatantly to see better her fingers itch to touch her she's a magic presence to us an object of envy and desire we covet her she's a flag on a Hilltop showing us what can still be done we too can be saved the women in the room are Whispering almost talking so great is their excitement who is it I hear behind me of Wayne no of Warren show off a voice hisses and this is true a woman that's pregnant doesn't have to go out doesn't have to go shopping the daily walk is no longer prescribed to keep her abdominal muscles in working order she needs only the floor exercises the breathing drill she could stay at her house and it's dangerous for her to be out there must be a guardian standing outside the door waiting for her now that she's the carrier of life she's closer to death and needs special security jealousy could get her it's happened before all children are wanted now but not by everyone but the walk may be a whim of hers and the humor whims when something has gone this far and there's been no miscarriage or perhaps she's one of those pilot on I can take it a martyr watch a glimpse of her face as she raises it to look around the voice behind me was right she's come to display herself she's glowing Rosy she's enjoying every minute of this quiet says one of the Guardians behind the counter and we hush like schoolgirls avlin and I have reached the counter we hand over our tokens and one Guardian enters the numbers on them into the compubite while the others give us our purchases the milk the eggs we put them into our baskets and go out again pass the pregnant woman and her partner who beside her looks spindly shrunken as we all do the pregnant woman's belly is like a huge fruit humongous word of my childhood her hands rest on it as if to defend it or as if they're Gathering something from it warmth and strength as I pass she looks full at me into my eyes and I know who she is she was at the red center with me one of Aunt Lydia's pets I never liked her her name in the time before was Janine Janine looks at me then and around the corners of her mouth there is the trace of a smirk she glances down to where my own belly lies flat under my red robe and the wings cover her face I can see only a little of her forehead and the pinkish tip of her nose next we go into All Flesh which is marked by a large wooden pork chop hanging from Two Chains there isn't so much of a line here meat is expensive and even the commanders don't have it every day of Glenn gets stay though and that's the second time this week I'll tell that to the marthas it's the kind of thing they enjoy hearing about they are very interested in how other households are run such bits of petty gossip give them an opportunity for Pride or discontent I take the chicken wrapped in butcher's paper and trust with string not many things are plastic anymore I remember those endless white plastic shopping bags from the supermarket I hated to waste them and would stuff them in under the sink until the day would come when there would be too many and I would open the cupboard door and they would bulge out sliding over the floor Luke used to complain about it periodically he would take all the bags and throw them out she could get one of those over her head he'd say you know how kids like to play she never would I'd say she's too old or too smart or too lucky but I would feel a chill of fear and then guilt for having been so careless it was true I took too much for granted I trusted fate back then I'll keep them in a higher cupboard I'd say don't keep them at all he'd say we never use them for anything garbage bags I'd say he'd say not here and now not where people are looking I turn see my Silhouette in the plate glass window we have come outside then we are on the street a group of people is coming towards us they're tourists from Japan it looks like betrayed delegation perhaps on a tour of the historic landmarks or out for local color they're diminutive and neatly turned out each has his or her camera his or her smile they look around bright-eyed cocking their heads to one side like Robins they're very cheerfulness aggressive I can't help staring it's been a long time since I've seen skirts that short on women the skirts reach just below the knee and the legs come out from beneath them nearly naked in their thin stockings blatant the high-heeled shoes with their straps attached to the feet like delicate instruments of torture the women Teeter on their spiked feet as if on stilts but off balance their backs Arch at the waist thrusting the buttocks out their heads are uncovered and their hair too is exposed in all its darkness and sexuality they wear lipstick red outlining The Damp cavities of their mouths like Scrolls on a washroom wall of the time before I stopped walking of Glenn stops beside me and I know that she too cannot take her eyes off these women we're fascinated but also repelled you seem undressed it has taken so little time to change our minds about things like this then I think I used to dress like that that was freedom westernized they used to call it the Japanese tourists come towards us twittering and we turn our heads away too late our faces have been seen there's an interpreter in the standard blue suit and red pattern tie with the winged eye tie pin he's the one who steps forward out of the group in front of us blocking our way the tourists sponge behind him one of them raises a camera excuse me he says to both of us politely enough they're asking if they can take your picture I looked down at the sidewalk shake my head for no what they must see is the white Wings only a scrap of face my chin and part of my mouth not the eyes I know better than to look The Interpreter in the face most of the interpreters are eyes or so it said I also know better than to say yes modesty is invisibility said Aunt Lydia never forget it to be seen to be seen is to be her voice trembled penetrated what you must be girls is impenetrable she called us girls beside me of Glenn is also silent she's tucked her red gloved hands up into her sleeves to hide them The Interpreter turns back to the group Chatters at them in staccato I know it'll be saying I know the line he'll be telling them that the women here have different Customs that to stare at them through the lens of a camera is for them an experience a violation I'm looking down at the sidewalk mesmerized by the women's feet one of them is wearing open-toed sandals the toenails painted pink I remember the smell of nail polish the way it wrinkled if you put the second coat on too soon satiny brushing of sheer pantyhose against the skin the way the toes felt pushed towards the opening in this shoe by the whole weight of the body the woman with painted toes shifts from one foot to the other I can feel her shoes on my own feet the smell of nail polish has made me hungry excuse me says The Interpreter again to catch our attention I nod to show I've heard him he asks are you happy says The Interpreter you can imagine it their curiosity are they happy how can they be happy I can feel their bright black eyes on us the way they lean a little forward to catch our answers the women especially for the men too we are secret forbidden we excite them avlan says nothing there's a silence sometimes it's as dangerous not to speak yes we are very happy I murmur I have to say something what else can I say chapter 6. a block past All Flesh of Glenn pauses as if hesitant about which way to go we have a choice we could go straight back or we could walk the long way around we already know which way we will take because we always take it I'd like to pass by the church says off Glenn as if piously all right I say though I know as well as she does what she's really after we walk sedately the sun is out in the sky there are white fluffy clouds the kind that look like headless sheep given our wings our blinkers it's hard to look up hard to get the full view of the sky of anything but we can do it a little at a time a quick move of the head up and down to the side and back we have learned to see the world in gasps to the right if you could walk along there's a street that would take you down towards the river there's a Boathouse where they kept the skulls once and some bridges trees green Banks where you could sit and watch the water and the young men with their naked arms their auras lifting into the sunlight as they played at winning on the way to the river are the old dormitories used for something else now with their fairy tale turrets painted white and gold and blue when we think of the past it's the beautiful things we pick out we want to believe it was all like that the football stadium is down there too where they hold the men's salvagings as well as the football games they still have those I don't go to the river anymore or over Bridges or on the subway although there's a station right there we're not allowed on there are Guardians now there's no official reason for us to go down those steps ride on the trains under the river into the main city why would we want to go from here to there we would be up to no good and they would know it the church is a small one of the first erected here hundreds of years ago it isn't used anymore except as a museum inside it you can see paintings of women in Long somber dresses their hair covered by White Caps and of upright men Darkly clothed and unsmiling our ancestors admission is free we don't go in though but stand on the path looking at the churchyard the old gravestones are still there weathered eroding with their skulls and crossed bones Memento Mori their doe-faced Angels their winged hourglasses to remind us of the passing of mortal time and from a later Century their urns and willow trees from Mourning they haven't fiddled with the gravestones or the church either it's only the more recent history that offends them of Glenn's head is bowed as if she's praying she does this every time maybe I think there's someone someone in particular gone for her too a man a child but I can't entirely believe it I think of her as a woman for whom Every Act is done for show is acting rather than a real Act she does such things to look good I think she's out to make the best of it but that is what I must look like to her as well how could it be otherwise now we turn our backs on the church and there is the thing we've in truth come to see the wall the wall is hundreds of years old too or over a hundred at least like the sidewalks it's red brick and must once have been plain but handsome now the gates have centuries and there are ugly new floodlights mounted on metal posts above it and barbed wire along the bottom and broken glass set in concrete along the top no one goes through those Gates willingly precautions are for those trying to get out though to make it even as far as the wall from the inside past the electronic alarm system would be next to Impossible beside the main gateway there are six more bodies hanging by the necks their hands tied in front of them their heads in white bags tipped sideways onto their shoulders there must have been a men's salvaging early this morning I didn't hear the bells perhaps I've become used to them we stop together as if on Signal and stand and look at the bodies it doesn't matter if we look we're supposed to look this is what they are there for hanging on the wall sometimes they'll be there for days until there's a new batch so as many people as possible will have the chance to see them what they are hanging from is hooks the hooks have been set into the brickwork of the wall for this purpose not all of them are occupied the hooks look like appliances for the armless or steel question marks upside down and sideways it's the bags over the heads that are the worst worse than the faces themselves would be it makes the men look like dolls on which faces have not yet been painted scarecrows which in a way is what they are since they are meant to scare or as if their heads or sex stuffed with some undifferentiated material like flour or dough it's the obvious heaviness of the heads their vacancy the way gravity pulls them down and there's no life anymore to hold them up the heads are zeros though if you look and look as we are doing you can see the outlines of the features under the white cloth like gray Shadows the heads are the heads of snowmen coal eyes and the carrot noses falling out the heads are melting put on one bag there's blood which has seeped through the white cloth where the mouth must have been it makes another mouth a small red one like the mouths painted with thick brushes by kindergarten children a child's idea of a smile this smile of blood is what fixes the attention finally these are not snowmen after all the men wear white coats like those worn by doctors or scientists doctors and scientists aren't the only ones there are others but they must have had a run on them this morning each has a placard hung around his neck to show why he has been executed a drawing of a human fetus they were doctors then in the time before when such things were legal Angel makers they used to call them or was that something else they've been turned up now by the searches through hospital records or more likely since most hospitals destroyed such records once it became clear what was going to happen informants ex-nurses perhaps or a pair of them since evidence from a single woman is no longer admissible or another doctor hoping to save his own skin or someone already accused lashing out on an enemy or at random in some desperate bid for safety though informants are not always pardoned these men we've been told are like war criminals it's no excuse that what they did was legal at the time their crimes are retroactive they have committed atrocities and must be made into examples for the rest though this is hardly needed no woman in her right mind these days would seek to prevent a birth should she be so luckiest to conceive what we are supposed to feel towards these bodies is hatred and Scorn this isn't what I feel these bodies hanging on the wall are Time Travelers anachronisms they've come here from the past what I feel towards them is blankness what I feel is that I must not feel what I feel is partly relief because none of these men is Luke Luke wasn't a doctor isn't I look at the one red smile the red of the smile is the same as the red of the tulips in Serena Joy's Garden towards the base of the flowers where they are beginning to heal the red is the same but there is no connection the Tulips are not tulips of blood the red Smiles are not flowers neither thing makes a comment on the other the Tulip is not a reason for disbelief in the hanged man or vice versa each thing is valid and really there it is through a field of such valid objects that I must pick my way every day and in every way I put a lot of effort into making such distinctions I need to make them I need to be very clear in my own mind I feel a Tremor in the woman beside me she crying in what way could it make her look good and I can't afford to know my own hands are clenched I note tight around the handle of my basket I won't give anything away ordinary said Aunt Lydia is what you're used to this may not seem ordinary to you now but after a time it will it will become ordinary three night chapter 7. the night is mine my own time to do with as I will as long as I'm quiet as long as I don't move As Long As I lie still the difference between lie and lay lay is always passive even men used to say I'd like to get laid though sometimes they said I'd like to lay her all this is pure speculation I don't really know what men used to say I had only their words for it I lie then inside the room under the plaster eye in the ceiling behind the white curtains Between the Sheets neatly as they and step sideways out of my own time out of time though this is time nor am I out of it but the night is my time out where should I go somewhere good Moira sitting on the edge of my bed legs crossed ankle on knee and her purple overalls one dangly earring the gold fingernail she wore to be eccentric a cigarette between her stubby yellow ended fingers let's go for a beer you're getting ashes in my bed I said if you'd make it you wouldn't have this problem said Moira in half an hour I said I had a paper due the next day what was it psychology English economics we studied things like that then on the floor of the room there were Books open face down this way and that extravagantly now said Moira you don't need to paint your face it's only me what's your paper on I just did one on date rape date rape I said you're so trendy sounds like some kind of dessert date rape said Moira get your coat she got it herself and tossed it at me I'm borrowing five bucks off you okay or in a park somewhere with my mother how old was I it was cold our breaths came out in front of us there were no leaves on the trees gray sky two ducks in the pond this consulate bread crumbs under my fingers in my pocket that's it she said we were going to feed the Ducks but there were some women burning books that's what she was really there for to see her friends she'd lied to me Saturdays were supposed to be my day I turned away from her sulking towards the Ducks with the fire drew me back there were some men too among the women and the books were magazines they must have poured gasoline because the flame shot high and then they began dumping the magazines from boxes not too many at a time some of them were chanting onlookers gathered their faces were happy ecstatic almost fire can do that even my mother's face usually pale finish looked Ruddy and cheerful like a Christmas card and there was another woman large with a soot smeared down her cheek and an orange knitted cap I remember her you want to throw one on honey she said how old was I good riddance to bad rubbish she said chuckling it okay she said to my mother if she wants to my mother said she had a way of talking about me to others as if I couldn't hear the woman handed me one of the magazines it had a pretty woman on it with no clothes on hanging from the ceiling by a chain wound around her hands I looked at it with interest it didn't frighten me I thought she was swinging like Tarzan from a vine on the TV don't let her see it said my mother here she said to me toss it in quick I threw the magazine into the flames it rifled open in the Wind of its burning big flakes of paper came loose sailed into the air still on fire parts of women's bodies turning to black ash in the air before my eyes but then what happens but then what happens I know I lost time there must have been needles pills something like that I couldn't have lost that much time without help you have had a shock they said I would come up through a roaring and confusion like surf boiling I can remember feeling quite calm I can remember screaming it felt like screaming though it may have been only a whisper where is she what have you done with her there was no night or day only a flickering after a while there were chairs again and a bed and after that a window she's in good hands they said with people who are fit you are unfit but you want the best for her don't you they showed me a picture of her standing outside on a lawn her face a closed oval her light hair was pulled back tight behind her head holding her hand was a woman I didn't know she was only as tall as the woman's elbow you've killed her I said she looked like an angel solemn compact made of air she was wearing a dress I'd never seen white and down to the ground I would like to believe this is a story I'm telling I need to believe it I must believe it those who can believe that such stories are only stories have a better chance if it's a story I'm telling then I have control over the ending then there will be an ending to the story and real life will come after it I can pick up where I left off it isn't a story I'm telling it's also a story I'm telling in my head as I go along tell rather than right because I have nothing to write with and writing is in any case forbidden but if it's a story even in my head I must be telling it to someone you don't tell a story only to yourself there's always someone else even when there is no one a story is like a letter dear you I'll say Just You Without a Name attaching a name it touches you to the world of fact which is riskier more hazardous who knows what the chances are out there of survival yours I will say you you like an old love song you can mean more than one you can mean thousands I'm not in any immediate danger I'll say to you I'll pretend you can hear me but it's no good because I know you can't four waiting room chapter 8. the good weather holds it's almost like June when we would get out our sundresses and our sandals and go for an ice cream cone there are three new bodies on the wall one is a priest still wearing the black classic that's been put on him for the trial even though they gave up wearing those years ago when the sect Wars first began cassix made them too conspicuous the two others have purple placards hung around their necks gender treachery their bodies still wear the guardian uniforms got together they must have been but where a Barracks a shower it's hard to say the Snowman with the red smile is gone we should go back I say to off Glenn I'm always the one to say this sometimes I feel that if I didn't say it she would stay here forever but is she Mourning or gloating I still can't tell without a word she swivels as if she's voice activated as if she's on little oiled Wheels as if she's on top of a music box I resent this grace of hers I resent her Meek head bowed as if into a heavy wind but there is no wind we leave the wall walk back the way we came in the warm sun it's a beautiful May Day of Glen says I feel rather than see her head turned towards me waiting for a reply yes I say praise be I add as an afterthought Mayday used to be a distress signal a long time ago in one of those Wars we studied in high school getting them mixed up but you could tell them apart by the airplanes if you paid attention it was Luke who told me about Mayday though mayday mayday for Pilots whose planes had been hid and ships was it ships too at sea maybe it was SOS for ships I wish I could look it up there was something from Beethoven for the beginning of the victory in one of those Wars do you know what it came from said Luke mayday no I said it's a strange word to use for that isn't it newspapers and coffee on Sunday mornings before she was born there were still newspapers then we used to read them in bed it's French he said from midday help me coming towards us there's a small procession a funeral three women each with a black transparent Veil thrown over her headdress an Econo wife and two others the mourners also Econo wives her friends perhaps their striped dresses are worn looking as are their faces someday when times improve says Aunt Lydia no one will have to be an Econo life the first one is the bereaved the mother She carries a small black jar from the size of the jar you can tell how old it was when it foundered inside her flowed to its death two or three months too young to tell whether or not it was an unbaby the older ones and those that die at Birth have boxes we pause out of respect while they go by I wonder if avglenn feels what I do a pain like a stab in the belly we put our hands over our hearts to show these stranger women that we feel with them in their loss beneath her veil the first one scowls at us one of the others turns aside spits on the sidewalk the Econo wives do not like us we go past the shops and come to the barrier again and are passed through we continue on among the large empty looking houses The weedless Lawns at the corner near the house where I'm posted avgland stops turns to me under his eye she says the right farewell under his eye I reply and she gives a little nod she hesitates as if to say something more but then she turns away and walks down the street I watch her she's like my own reflection in a mirror from which I am moving away in the driveway Nick is polishing the Whirlwind again he's reached the Chrome at the back I put my gloved hand on the latch of the gate open it push inward the gate clicks behind me the Tulips along the border are redder than ever opening no longer wine cups but chalices thrusting themselves up to what end they are after all empty when they are old they turn themselves inside out then explode slowly the petals thrown out like shards Nick looks up and begins to whistle then he says nice walk I nod but do not answer with my voice isn't supposed to speak to me of course some of them will try said Aunt Lydia all flesh is weak All Flesh is grass I corrected her in my head they can't help it she said God made them that way but he did not make you that way he made you different it's up to you to set the boundaries later you will be thanked in the garden behind the house the Commander's wife is sitting in the chair she's had brought out Serena Joy what a stupid name it's like something you'd put on your hair and the other time the time before to straighten it Serena Joy it would say on the bottle with a woman's head and cut paper silhouette on a pink oval background with scalloped gold edges with everything to choose from in the way of names why did she pick that one Serena Joy was never her real name not even then her real name was Pam I read that in a profile on her in a news magazine long after I'd first watched her singing while my mother slept in on Sunday mornings by that time she was worthy of a profile time or Newsweek it was it must have been she wasn't singing anymore by then she was making speeches it's good at it her speeches were about the sanctity of the home about how women should stay home Serena Joy didn't do this herself she made speeches instead but she presented this failure of hers as a sacrifice she was making for the good of all around that time someone tried to shoot her and missed her secretary who was standing right behind her was killed instead someone else planted a bomb in her car but it went off too early though some people said she'd put the bomb in her own car for sympathy that's how hot things were getting Luke and I would watch her sometimes on the late night news bathrobes night caps we'd watch her sprayed hair and her Hysteria and the tears she could still produce at will on the mascara blackening her cheeks by that time she was wearing more makeup we thought she was funny or Luke thought she was funny I only pretended to think so really she was a little frightening she was an earnest she doesn't make speeches anymore she has become speechless she stays in her home but doesn't seem to agree with her how Furious she must be now that she's been taken at her word she's looking at the Tulips her cane is beside her on the grass her profile is towards me I can see that in the quick sideways look I take at her as I go past it wouldn't do to stare it's no longer a Flawless cut paper profile her face is sinking in upon itself and I think of those towns built on underground Rivers where houses and whole streets disappear overnight into sudden quagmires or coal towns collapsing into the mines beneath them something like this must have happened to her once she saw the true shape of things to come she doesn't turn her head she doesn't acknowledge my presence in any way although she knows I'm there I can tell she knows it's like a smell her knowledge something gone sour like old milk it's not the husbands you have to watch out for said and Lydia it's the wives you should always try to imagine what they must be feeling of course they will resent you it is only natural try to feel for them and Lydia thought she was very good at feeling for other people tried to pity them forgive them for they know not what they do again the tremulous smile of a beggar the weak eyed blinking the Gaze upwards through the round steel rimmed glasses towards the back of the classroom as if the green painted plaster ceiling were opening and God on a cloud of pink pearl face powder we're coming down through the wires and sprinkler Plumbing you must realize that they are defeated women they have been unable hear her voice broke off and there was a pause during which I could hear a sigh a collective's eye from those around me it was a bad idea to rustle or fidget during these pauses and Lydia might look abstracted but she was aware of every twitch so there was only the sigh future is in your hands she resumed she held her own hands out to us the ancient gesture that was both an offering and an invitation to come forward into an Embrace an acceptance in your hands she said looking down at our own hands as if they had given her the idea but there was nothing in them they were empty it was our hands that were supposed to be full of the future which could be held but not seen I walk around to the back door open It Go in set my basket down on the kitchen table the table has been scrubbed off cleared a flower today's bread freshly baked is cooling on its rack the kitchen smells of yeast a nostalgic smell it reminds me of other kitchens kitchens that were mine it smells of mothers although my own mother did not make bread it smells of me in former times when I was a mother and I know I must shut it out Rita is there sitting at the table peeling and slicing carrots old carrots they are a thick ones overwintered bearded from their diamond storage the new carrots tender and pale won't be ready for weeks the knife she uses is sharp and bright and tempting I would like to have a knife like that Rita stops chopping the carrots stands up takes the parcels out of the basket almost eagerly she looks forward to seeing what I've brought although she always frowns while opening the parcels nothing I bring fully pleases her he's thinking she could have done better herself she would rather do the shopping get exactly what she wants she envies me the walk in this house we all envy each other something they've got oranges I say add milk and honey there are still some left I hold out this idea to her like an offering I wish to ingratiate myself I saw the oranges yesterday but I didn't tell Rita yesterday she was too grumpy I could get some tomorrow if you'd give me the tokens for them I hold out the chicken to her she wanted steak today but there wasn't any Rita grunts not revealing pleasure or acceptance she'll think about it the grunt says in her own sweet time she undoes the string on the chicken and the glazed paper she prods the chicken flexes a wing pokes a finger into the cavity fishes out the giblets the chicken lies there headless and without feet Goose pimples are so shivering bath day Rita says without looking at me Cora comes into the kitchen from the pantry at the back where they keep the mops and brooms a chicken she says almost with delight scrawny says Rita but it'll have to do there wasn't much else I say Rita ignores me looks big enough to me says Cora is she standing up for me I look at her to see if I should smile but no it's only the food she's thinking of she's younger than Rita the sunlight coming slant now through the West window catches her hair parted and drawn back she must have been pretty quite recently there's a little Mark like a dimple in each of her ears or the punctures for earrings have grown over tall says Rita but boney you should speak up she says to me looking directly at me for the first time ain't like your common she means the Commander's rank but in the other sense her sons she thinks I am common she is over 60. her mind's made up she goes to the sink runs her hands briefly under the tap dries them on the dish towel the dish towel is white with blue stripes dish towels are the same as they always were sometimes these flashes of normality come at me from the side like ambushes the ordinary the usual a reminder like a kick I see the dish towel out of context and I Catch My Breath for some in some ways things haven't changed that much who's doing the bath says Rita to Cora not to me I gotta tenderize this bird I'll do it later says Cora after the dusting just so it gets done says Rita they're talking about me as though I can't hear to them I'm a household chore one among many I've been dismissed I pick up the basket go through the kitchen door and along the hall towards the grandfather clock the sitting room door is closed Sun comes through the fan light Falling In Colors across the floor red and blue purple I step into it briefly stretch out my hands they fill with flowers of light I go up the stairs my face distant and white and distorted framed in the hall mirror which bulges outward like an eye under pressure I follow the dusty pink Runner down along upstairs hallway back to the room there's someone standing in the hall near the door to the room where I stay the hall is Dusky this is a man is back to me he's looking into the room dark against its light I can see now it's the commander he isn't supposed to be here he hears me coming turns hesitates walks forward towards me he is violating custom what do I do now I stop he pauses see his face he's looking at me what does he want but then he moves forward again steps to the side to avoid touching me and climbs his head is gone something has been shown to me what is it like the flag of an unknown country scene for an instant above a curve of Hill it could mean attack it could mean parley it could mean the edge of something a territory signals animals give one another lowered blue eyelids ears laid back raised hackles a flash of bared teeth what in hell does he think he's doing nobody else has seen him I hope eating was he in my room I called it mine chapter 9. my room then there has to be some space finally that I claim is mine even in this time I'm waiting in my room which right now is a waiting room when I go to bed it's a bedroom the curtains are still wavering in the small wind the sun outside is still Shining though not in through the window directly it has moved West I'm trying not to tell stories or at any rate not this one someone has lived in this room before me someone like me or I prefer to believe so I discovered it three days after I was moved here I had a lot of time to pass I decided to explore the room not hastily as one would explore a hotel room expecting no surprise opening and shutting the desk drawers the cupboard doors unwrapping the tiny individually wrapped bar of soap prodding the pillows ever be in a hotel room again how I wasted them those rooms freedom from being seen rented license in the afternoons when Luke was still in flight from his wife when I was still imaginary for him before we were married and I solidified I would always get there first check in it wasn't that many times but it seems now like a decade an era I can remember what I wore each blouse each scarf I would Pace waiting for him turn the television on and then off dab behind my ears with perfume opium it was it came in a Chinese bottle red and gold I was nervous how was I to know you loved me it might be just an affair why did we ever say just though at that time men and women tried each other on casually like suits rejecting whatever did not fit the knock would come at the door I'd open with relief desire he was so momentary so condensed and yet there seemed no end to him we would lie in those afternoon beds afterwards hands on each other talking it over possible impossible what could be done we thought we had such problems how were we to know we were happy but now it's the rooms themselves I miss as well even the Dreadful paintings that hung on the walls Landscapes with Fall Foliage or snow melting in Hardwoods are women in Period costume with China doll faces and bustles and parasols or sad-eyed clowns or bowls of fruit stiff and jockey looking the fresh towels ready for spoilage the waste baskets gaping their invitations beckoning in the careless junk careless I was careless in those rooms I could lift the telephone and food would appear on a tray food I had chosen food that was bad for me no doubt and drink too there were Bibles in the dresser drawers put there by some charitable Society though probably no one read them very much there were postcards too with pictures of the hotel on them and you could write on the postcards and send them to anyone you wanted seems like such an impossible thing now like something you'd make up so I explored this room not hastily then like a hotel room wasting it I didn't want to do it all at once I wanted to make it last I divided the room into sections in my head I allowed myself one section a day this one section I would examine with the greatest minute the unevenness of the plaster under the wallpaper scratches in the paint of the baseboard and the windowsill under the top coat of paint the stains on the mattress for I went so far as to lift the blankets and sheets from the bed fold them back a little at a time so they could be replaced quickly if anyone came stains on the mattress like dried flower petals not recent old love there's no other kind of love in this room now when I saw that evidence left by two people of Love or something like it desire at least at least touch between two people now perhaps old or dead I covered the bed again and laid down on it I looked up at the blind plaster eye in the ceiling I wanted to feel Luke lying beside me I have them these attacks of the past like faintness a wave sweeping over my head sometimes it can hardly be born what is to be done what is to be done I thought there is nothing to be done they also serve who only stand and wait or lie down and wait I know why the glass in the window is shatterproof and why they took down the chandelier I wanted to feel Luke lying beside me but there wasn't room I saved the cupboard until the third day I looked carefully over the door first inside and out then the walls with their brass hooks how could they have overlooked the hooks why didn't they remove them too close to the floor but still a stalking that's all you'd need and the rod with the plastic hangers my dress is hanging on them the red Woolen cape for cold weather the shaw I knelt to examine the floor and there it was in tiny writing quite fresh it seemed scratched with a pin or maybe just a fingernail in the corner where the darkest Shadow fell no liday debasteris Carper and Dora I didn't know what it meant or even what language it was in I thought it might be Latin but I didn't know any Latin still it was a message and it was in writing forbidden by that very fact and it hadn't yet been discovered by me for whom it was intended it was intended for whoever came next it places me to ponder this message it pleases me to think I'm communing with her this unknown woman for she is unknown or if known she has never been mentioned to me it pleases me to know that her taboo message made it through to at least one other person washed itself up on the wall of my cupboard was opened and read by me sometimes I repeat the words to myself they give me a small Joy when I imagine the woman who wrote them I think of her as about my age maybe a little younger I turned her into Moira Moira as she was when she was in college in the room next to mine quirky jaunty athletic with a bicycle once and a knapsack for hiking freckles I think irreverent resourceful I wonder who she was or is and what's become of her I tried that out on Rita the day I found the message who was the woman who stayed in that room I said before me if I'd asked it differently if I had said was there a woman who stayed in that room before me I might not have got anywhere which one she said she sounded grudging suspicious but then she almost always sounds like that when she speaks to me so there have been more than one some haven't stayed their full term of posting their full two years some have been sent away for one reason or another or maybe not send gone the Lively one I was guessing the one with freckles you knew her Rita asked more suspicious than ever I knew her before I lied I heard she was here Rita accepted this she knows there must be a grapevine an underground of sorts she didn't work out she said in what way I asked trying to sound as neutral as possible but Rita clamped her lips together unlike a child here there are some things I must not be told well you don't know won't hurt you was all she would say chapter 10. sometimes I sing to myself in my head something lugubrious mournful Presbyterian Amazing Grace How Sweet the Sound could save a rich like me who once was lost but now I'm found was bound but now I'm free I don't know if the words are right I can't remember such songs are not sung anymore in public especially the ones that use words like free they are considered too dangerous they belong to outlawed sex I feel so lonely baby I feel so lonely baby I feel so lonely I could die this too is outlawed I know it from an old cassette tape of my mother's she had a scratchy and untrustworthy machine too they could still play such things she used to put the tape on when her friends came over and they'd had a few drinks I don't sing like this often it makes my throat hurt there isn't much music in this house except what we hear on the TV sometimes Rita will hum while kneading or peeling a wordless humming tuneless unfathomable and sometimes from the front sitting room there will be the thin sound of Serena's voice from a disc made long ago and played now with the volume low so she won't be caught listening and she sits there knitting remembering her own former and now amputated Glory Hallelujah it's warm for this time of year houses like this heat up in the sun there's not enough insulation around me the air is stagnant despite the little current the breath coming in past the curtains I'd like to be able to open the window as wide as it could go soon we'll be allowed to change into the summer dresses the summer dresses are unpacked and hanging in the closet two of them pure cotton which is better than synthetics like the cheaper ones though even so when it's muggy in July and August you sweat inside them no worry about sunburn though said Aunt Lydia the spectacles women used to make of themselves oiling themselves like roast meat on a spit and barebacks and shoulders on the street in public and legs not even stockings on them I wonder those things used to happen things the word she used when whatever it stood for was too distasteful or filthy or horrible to pass her lips a successful life for her was one that avoided things excluded things such things do not happen to nice women and not good for the complexion not at all wrinkle you up like a dried apple but we weren't supposed to care about our complexions anymore she forgotten that in the park said Aunt Lydia lying on blankets men and women together sometimes and at that she began to cry standing up there in front of us in full View I'm doing my best she said I'm trying to give you the best chance you can have she blinked the light was too strong for her her mouth trembled around her front teeth teeth had stuck out a little and were long and yellowish and I thought about the dead mice we would find on our doorstep when we lived in a house all three of us four counting our cat who was the one making these offerings and Lydia pressed her hand over her mouth of a dead rodent after a minute she took her hand away I wanted to cry too because she reminded me if only she wouldn't eat half of them first I said to Luke don't think it's easy for me either said Aunt Lydia Moira breezing into my room dropping her denim jacket on the floor got any cigs she said in my purse I said no matches though Moira rummages in my purse you should throw out some of this junk she says I'm giving an underhore party a what I say there's no point trying to work Moira won't allow it she's like a cat that crawls onto the page when you're trying to read you know like Tupperware only with underwear tart stuff lace crotches snapguarders bras that push your tits up she finds my lighter lights the cigarette she's extracted from my purse want one tosses the package with great generosity considering they're mine thanks piles I say sourly you're crazy where'd you get an idea like that working my way through college says Moira I've got connections friend of my mother's it's big in the suburbs once they start getting age spots they figure they've got to beat the competition the porno Marts and what have you I'm laughing she always made me but here I say who'll come who needs it you're never too young to learn she says come on it'll be great we'll all pee our pants laughing is that how we lived then but we lived as usual everyone does most of the time whatever is going on is as usual even this is as usual now now we lived as usual By ignoring ignoring isn't the same as ignorance you have to work at it nothing changes instantaneously in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it there were stories in the newspapers of course corpses and ditches or the woods bludgeoned to death are mutilated interfered with as they used to say but they were about other women and the men who did such things were other men none of them were the men we knew the newspaper stories were like dreams to us bad dreams dreamed by others how awful we would say and they were but they were awful without being believable they were too melodramatic they had a dimension that was not the dimension of Our Lives we were the people who were not in the papers we lived in the blank white spaces at the edges of print it gave us more freedom we lived in the gaps between the stories from below from the driveway comes the sound of the car being started it's quiet in this area there isn't a lot of traffic you can hear things like that very clearly car motors lawn mowers the clipping of a hedge the slam of a door you could hear a shout clearly or a shot if such noises were ever made here sometimes there are distant sirens I go to the window and sit on the window seat which is too narrow for comfort there's a hard little cushion on it with a petty Point cover faith in square print surrounded by a wreath of lilies faith is a faded blue the leaves of the lilies a dingy green this is a cushion once used elsewhere worn but not enough to throw out somehow it's been overlooked I can spend minutes tens of minutes running my eyes over the print faith it's the only thing they've given me to read if I were caught doing it would it count I didn't put the cushion here myself the motor turns and I lean forward pulling the white curtain across my face like a veil semi-sheer I can see through it if I press my forehead against the glass and look down I can see the back half of the Whirlwind nobody is there but as I watch I see Nick come around to the back door of the car open IT stand stiffly beside it his cap is straight now and his sleeves rolled down and buttoned I can't see his face because I'm looking down on him now the commander is coming out I Glimpse him only for an instant for shortened walking to the car he doesn't have his hat on so it's on a formal event he's going to his hair is gray silver you might call it if you were being kind I don't feel like being kind the one before this was bald so I suppose he's an improvement if I could spit out the window or throw something the cushion for instance I might be able to hit him Moira and I with paper bags filled with water water bombs they were called leaning out my dorm window dropping them on the heads of the boys below it was moira's idea what were they trying to do climb a ladder for something for our underwear that dormitory had once been co-educational there were still urinals in one of the washrooms on our floor but by the time I got there they'd put the men and women back the way they were the commander Stoops gets into the car disappears and Nick shuts the door a moment later the car moves backwards down the driveway and onto the street and vanishes behind the Hedge I ought to feel hatred for this man I know I ought to feel it but it isn't what I do feel what I feel is more complicated than that I don't know what to call it it is in love chapter 11. yesterday morning I went to the doctor was taken by a guardian one of those with the red armbands who are in charge of such things we rode in a red car him in the front me in the back no twin went with me on these occasions I'm solitaire I'm taken to the doctors once a month for tests urine hormones cancer smear blood test the same as before except that now it's obligatory the doctor's office is in a modern office building we ride up in the elevator silently the guardian facing me in the Black Mirror wall of the elevator I can see the back of his head at the office itself I go in he waits outside in the hall with the other Guardians on one of the chairs placed there for that purpose inside the waiting room there are other women three of them in red this doctor is a specialist covertly we regard each other sizing up each other's bellies is anyone lucky the nurse records our names and the numbers from our passes on the compudoc to see if we are who we are supposed to be he's six feet tall about 40 a diagonal scar across his cheek he sits typing his hands too big for the keyboard still wearing his pistol in the shoulder holster when I'm called I go through the doorway into the Inner Room it's white featureless like the outer one except for a folding screen red cloth stretched on a frame a gold eye painted on it with a snake twine sword upright beneath it like a sort of handle the snakes and the sword are bits of broken symbolism left over from the time before after I've filled the small bottle left ready for me in the little washroom I take off my clothes behind the screen and leave them folded on the chair when I'm naked I lie down on the examining table on the sheet of chili crackling disposable paper I pull the second sheet the cloth one up over my body at neck level there's another sheet suspended from the ceiling it intersects me so that the doctor will never see my face he deals with a torso only when I'm arranged I reach my handout fumble for the small lever at the right side of the table pull it back somewhere else a bell rings unheard by me after a minute the door opens footsteps come in there is breathing he isn't supposed to speak to me except when it's absolutely necessary but this doctor is talkative how are we getting along he says some tick of speech from the other time the sheet is lifted from my skin a draft pimples me a cold finger rubber clad and jelly slides into me I am poked and prodded the finger Retreats enters otherwise withdraws nothing wrong with you the doctor says as if to himself any pain honey he calls me honey no I say my breasts are fingered in their turn a search for ripeness rot the breathing comes nearer I smell old smoke aftershave tobacco dust on hair then the voice very soft close to my head that's him bulging the sheet Whispers what I say he says I could help you I've helped others help me I say my voice as low as his how does he know something has he seen Luke has he found can he bring back how do you think he says still barely breathing it is that his hand sliding up my leg he's taken off the glove the door is locked no one will come in they'll never know it is in his he lifts the sheet the lower part of his face is covered by the White Gauze mask regulation two brown eyes a nose a head with brown hair on it his hand is between my legs most of those old guys can't make it anymore he says or they're sterile I almost gasp he said a forbidden word sterile there is no such thing as a sterile man anymore not officially there are only women who are fruitful and women who are barren that's the law lots of women do it he goes on you want a baby don't you yes I say it's true and I don't ask why because I know give me children or else I die there's more than one meaning to it you're soft he says it's time today or tomorrow would do it why waste it it'd only take a minute honey what he called his wife once maybe still does but really it's a generic term we are all honey I hesitate he's offering himself to me his services at some risk to himself I hate to see what they put you through he murmurs it's genuine genuine sympathy and yet he's enjoying this sympathy and all his eyes are moist with compassion his hand is moving on me nervously and with impatience it's too dangerous I say no I can't the penalty is death but they have to catch you in the act with two witnesses what are the odds is the room bugged who's waiting just outside the door his hand stops think about it he says I've seen your chart you don't have a lot of time left but it's your life thank you I say I must leave the impression that I'm not offended that I'm open to suggestion he takes his hand away lazily almost lingeringly this is not the last word as far as he's concerned he could fake the tests report me for cancer for infertility have me shipped off to the colonies with the unwomen none of this has been said but the knowledge of his power hangs nevertheless in the air as he Pats my thigh withdraws himself behind the hanging sheet next month he says I put on my clothes again behind the screen my hands are shaking why am I frightened I've crossed No Boundaries I've given no trust taken no risk all is safe it's the choice that terrifies me a way out a Salvation chapter 12. the bathroom is beside the bedroom it's papered in small blue flowers forget-me-nots with curtains to match there's a blue bath mat a blue fake fur cover on the toilet seat all this bathroom lacks from the time before is a doll whose skirt conceals the extra roll of toilet paper except that the mirror over the sink has been taken out and replaced by an oblong of tin and the door has no lock and there are no razors of course there were incidents in bathrooms at first there were cuttings drownings before they got all the bugs ironed out Cora sits on a chair outside in the hall to see that no one else goes in in a bathroom in a bathtub you are vulnerable said Aunt Lydia she didn't say to what the bath is a requirement but it is also a luxury merely to lift off the heavy White Wings and the veil merely to feel my own hair again with my hands is a luxury my hair is long now untrimmed hair must be long but covered and Lydia said Saint Paul said it's either that or a close shave she laughed that held back kneeing of hers as if she told a joke quora has run the bath it steams like a bowl of soup I take off the rest of the clothes the overdress the white shift and Petticoat the red stockings the loose cotton pantaloons pantyhose gives you crotch rot Moira used to say Aunt Lydia would never have used an expression like crotch rot unhygienic was hers she wanted everything to be very hygienic my nakedness is strange to me already seems outdated did I really wear bathing suits at the beach I did without thought among men without caring that my legs my arms my thighs and back were on display could be seen shameful immodest I avoid looking down at my body not so much because it's shameful or immodest but because I don't want to see it I don't want to look at something that determines me so completely step into the water lie down let it hold me the water is soft as hands I close my eyes and she's there with me suddenly without warning must be the smell of the soap I put my face against the soft hair at the back of her neck and breathe her in baby powder and child's washed flesh and shampoo with an undertone Thane scent of urine this is the age she is when I'm in the bath she comes back to me at different ages this is how I know she's not really a ghost if she were a ghost she would be the same age always one day when she was 11 months old just before she began to walk a woman stole her out of a supermarket cart it was a Saturday which was when Luke and I did the week shopping because both of us had jobs she was sitting in the little baby seats they had then in Supermarket carts with holes for the legs she was happy enough and I turned my back the cat food section I think it was Luke was over at the side of the store out of sight at the meat counter you like to choose what kind of meat we were going to eat during the week he said men needed more meat than women did and that it wasn't a Superstition and he wasn't being a jerk studies had been done there are some differences he said he was fond of saying that as if I was trying to prove there weren't but mostly he said it when my mother was there he liked to tease her I heard her start to cry I turned around and she was disappearing down the aisle in the arms of a woman I'd never seen before I screamed and the woman was stopped she must have been about 35. she was crying and saying it was her baby the Lord had given it to her he'd sent her a sign I felt sorry for her the store manager apologized and they held her until the police came she's just crazy Luke said I thought it was an isolated incident at the time she fades I can't keep her here with me she's gone now maybe I do think of her as a ghost the ghost of a dead girl a little girl who died when she was five I remember the pictures of us I had once me holding her standard poses mother and baby locked in a frame for safety behind my closed eyes I can see myself as I am now sitting beside an open drawer or a trunk in the cellar or the baby clothes are folded away a lock of hair cut when she was two in an envelope white blonde it got darker later I don't have those things anymore the clothes and hair I wonder what happened to all our things looted dumped out carried away confiscated I've learned to do without a lot of things if you have a lot of things sit at Lydia you get too attached to this material world and you forget about spiritual values you must cultivate poverty of spirit blessed are the meek she didn't go on to say anything about inheriting the Earth I lie lapped by the water beside an Open Drawer that does not exist and think about a girl who did not die when she was five who still does exist I hope though not for me do I exist for her am I a picture somewhere in the dark at the back of her mind they must have told her I was dead that's what they would think of doing they would say it would be easier for her to adjust eight she must be now I filled in the time I lost I know how much there's been they were right it's easier to think of her as dead I don't have to hope then or make a wasted effort why bash your head sit at Lydia against a wall sometimes she had a graphic way of putting things I ain't God all day says Cora's voice outside the door it's true she hasn't she hasn't got all of anything I must not deprive her of her time I soap myself use the scrub brush and the piece of pumice for sanding off dead skin such Puritan AIDS are supplied I wish to be totally clean germless without bacteria surface of the Moon I will not be able to wash myself this evening not afterwards not for a day it interferes they say and why take chances I cannot avoid seeing now the small tattoo on my ankle four digits and an eye a passport in reverse supposed to guarantee that I will never be able to fade finally into another landscape I am too important too scarce for that I am a national resource I pull the plug dry myself put on my red terry cloth robe I leave today's dress here where Cora will pick it up to be washed back in the room I dress again the white headdress isn't necessary for the evening because I won't be going out everyone in this house knows what my face looks like the red Veil goes on though covering my damp hair my head which has not been shaved where did I see that film about the women kneeling in the town square hands holding them their hair falling in clumps what have they done it must have been a long time ago because I can't remember Cora brings my supper covered on a tray she knocks at the door before entering I like her for that it means she thinks I have some of what we used to call privacy left thank you I say taking the tray from her and she actually smiles at me but she turns away without answering when we're alone together she's shy of me I put the tray on the small white painted table and draw the chair out to it I take the cover off the tray thigh of a chicken overcooked it's better than bloody which is the other way she does it Rita has ways of making her resentment felt a baked potato green bean salad canned pears for dessert it's good enough food they'll Bland healthy food you have to get your vitamins and minerals said Aunt Lydia coily you must be a worthy vessel no coffee or tea though no alcohol Studies have been done there's a paper napkin as in cafeterias I think of the others those without this is the Heartland here I'm leading a Pampered life may the Lord make us truly grateful said Aunt Lydia or was it thankful and I start to eat the food I'm not hungry tonight I feel sick to my stomach but there's no place to put the food no potted plants and I won't chance the toilet that's what it is could I leave it on the plate ask Cora not to report me chew and swallow chew and swallow feeling the sweat come out in my stomach the food balls itself together a handful of damp cardboard squeezed downstairs in the dining room there will be candles on the large mahogany table a white cloth silver flowers wine glasses with wine in them there will be the click of knives against China a clink as she sets down her fork with a barely audible sigh leaving half the contents of her plate untouched possibly she will say she has no appetite possibly she won't say anything if she says something does he comment if she doesn't say anything does he notice I wonder how she manages to get herself noticed I think it must be hard there's a pot of butter on the side of the plate I tear off a corner of the paper napkin wrap the butter in it take it to the cupboard and slip it into the toe of my right shoe from the extra pair as I have done before I crumple up the rest of the napkin no one surely will bother to smooth it out to check if any is missing I will use the butter later tonight it would not do this evening to smell of butter I wait I compose myself is a thing I must now compose as one composes a speech what I must present is a made thing not something born five nap chapter 13. there's time to spare this is one of the things I wasn't prepared for the amount of unfilled time the long parentheses of nothing time is white sound if only I could embroider weave knit something to do with my hands I want a cigarette I remember walking in art galleries through the 19th century the obsession they had then with harems dozens of paintings of harems fat women lulling on demands turbans on their heads are velvet caps being fanned with peacock Tails a eunuch in the background standing guard studies of sedentary flesh painted by men who'd never been there these pictures were supposed to be erotic and I thought they were at the time but I see now what they were really about they were paintings about suspended animation about waiting about objects not in use there were paintings about boredom but maybe boredom is erotic when women do it for men I wait washed brushed fed like a prize Pig sometime in the 80s they invented pig balls for pigs who were being fattened in pens pig balls were large colored balls the pigs rolled them around with their snouts the pig marketers said this improved their muscle tone the pigs were curious they like to have something to think about I read about that in introduction to psychology that and the chapter on caged rats who'd give themselves electric shocks for something to do and the one on the pigeons trained to Peck a button which made a grain of corn appear three groups of them the first got one grain per Peck the second one grain every other Peck the third was random when the man in charge cut off the grain the first group gave up quite soon the second group a little later the third group never gave up they'd pecked themselves to death rather than quit who knew what worked I wish I had a pig ball I lie down on the braided rug you can always practice said Aunt Lydia several sessions a day fit it into your daily routine arms at the sides knees bent lift the pelvis roll the backbone down Tuck again breathe into the count of five hold expel we do that in what used to be the domestic science room cleared now of sewing machines and washer dryers in unison lying on little Japanese mats a tape playing lacal feed that's what I hear now in my head as I lift tilt breathe behind my closed eyes thin white dancers flit gracefully among the trees their legs fluttering like the wings of held Birds in the afternoons we lay on our beds for an hour in the gymnasium between three and four they said it was a period of rest and meditation I thought then they did it because they wanted some time off themselves from teaching us and I know the ants not on duty went off to the teacher's room for a cup of coffee or whatever they called by that name but now I think that the rest also was practice they were giving us a chance to get used to blank time a cat nap Aunt Lydia called it in her koi way the strange thing is we needed the rest many of us went to sleep we were tired there a lot of the time we were on some kind of pill or drug I think they put it in the food to keep us calm but maybe not maybe it was the place itself after the first shock after you'd come to terms it was better to be lethargic you could tell yourself you were saving up your strength I must have been there three weeks when Moira came she was brought into the gymnasium by two of the ants in the usual way while we were having our nap she still had her other clothes on jeans and a blue sweatshirt her hair was short she defied fashion as usual so I recognized her at once she saw me too but she turned away she already knew what was safe there was a bruise on her left cheek turning purple the ants took her to a vacant bed where the red dress was already laid out she undressed began to dress again in Silence the ants standing at the end of the bed rest of us watching from inside our slitted eyes as she bent over I could see the knobs on her spine I couldn't talk to her for several days we looked only small glances like sips friendships were suspicious we knew it we avoided each other during the meal time lineups in the cafeteria and in the Halls between classes but on the fourth day she was beside me during the walk two by two around the football field we weren't given the white Wings until we graduated we had only the veils so we could talk as long as we did it quietly and didn't turn to look at one another the ants walked at the head of the line and at the end so the only danger was from the others some were believers and might report US this is a loony bin Moira said I'm so glad to see you I said where can we talk said Moira washroom I said watch the clock and stall 2 30. that was all we said it makes me feel safer that Moira is here we can go to the washroom if we put our hands up though there's a limit to how many times a day they mark it down on a chart I watch the clock electric and round at the front over the green Blackboard 230 comes during testifying and Helena is here as well as Aunt Lydia because testifying is special and Helena is fat she once said at a Weight Watchers franchise operation in Iowa she's good at testifying it's Janine telling about how she was gang raped at 14 and had an abortion she told the same story last week she seemed almost proud of it while she was telling it may not even be true at testifying it's safer to make things up than to say you have nothing to reveal but since it's Janine it's probably more or less true but whose fault was it and Helena says holding up one plump finger her fault her fault her fault we chant in unison who led them on and Helena beams pleased with us she did she did she did why did God allow such a terrible thing to happen teach her a lesson teach her a lesson teach her a lesson last week Janine burst into tears and Helena made her kneel at the front of the classroom hands behind her back where we could all see her her red face and dripping nose her hair dull blonde her eyelashes so light they seem not there the Lost eyelashes of someone who's been in a fire burn dies she looked disgusting weak squirmy blotchy pink like a newborn Mouse none of us wanted to look like that ever for a moment even though we knew what was being done to her we despised her crybaby crybaby crybaby we meant it which is the bad part I used to think well of myself I didn't then that was last week this week Janine doesn't wait for us to cheer at her it was my fault she says it was my own fault I led them on I deserved the pain very good Janine says Aunt Lydia you are an example I have to wait until this is over before I put up my hand sometimes if you ask at the wrong moment they say no if you really have to go that can be crucial yesterday Dolores wet the floor two ants hauled her away a hand under each armpit she wasn't there for the afternoon walk but at night she was back in her usual bed all night we could hear her moaning off and on what did they do to her we whispered from bed to bed no no not knowing makes it worse I raised my hand at Lydia Nance stand up and walk out into the Hall as inconspicuously as possible outside the washroom Aunt Elizabeth is standing guard she nods signaling that I can go in his washroom used to be for boys the mirrors have been replaced here too by Oblongs of dull gray metal but the urinals are still there on one wall white enamel with yellow stains they look oddly like babies coffins and Marvel again at the nakedness of men's lives the showers right out in the open the body exposed for inspection in comparison the public display of privates what is it for what purposes of reassurance does it serve a flashing of a badge look everyone all is in order I belong here why don't women have to prove to one another that they are women some form of unbuttoning some split crotch routine just as casual a dog like sniffing the high school is old the Stalls are wooden some kind of chipboard I go into the second one from the end swing the door too of course there are no longer any locks in the wood there's a small hole at the back next to the wall about waist height souvenir of some previous vandalism or Legacy of an ancient voyeur everyone in the center knows about this hole in the woodwork everyone except the ants I'm afraid I am too late held up by Janine's testifying maybe Moira has been here already maybe she's had to go back they don't give you much time I look carefully down a slant under the stall wall and there are two red shoes how can I tell who it is I put my mouth to the wooden hole Lyra whisper is that you she says relief goes through me God do I need a cigarette cigarette says Moira me too I say you feel ridiculously happy I sink down into my body as into a swamp Finland where only I know the footing treacherous ground my own territory I become the earth I set my ear against for rumors of the future each twinge each murmur of slight pain ripples of sloughed off matter swellings and diminishings of tissue the droolings of the flesh these are signs these are the things I need to know about each month I watch for blood fearfully for when it comes it means failure I have failed once again to fulfill the expectations of others which have become my own I used to think of my body as an instrument of pleasure or a means of transportation or an Implement for the accomplishment of my will I could use it to run push buttons of one sort or another make things happen there were limits but my body was nevertheless live single solid one with me now the flesh arranges itself differently I'm A Cloud congealed around a central object the shape of a pair which is hard and more real than I am and glows red within its translucent wrapping inside it is a space huge as the sky at night and dark and curved like that though black red rather than black pinpoints of light swell Sparkle burst and shrivel within it countless as stars every month there is a moon gigantic round heavy an omen it transits pauses continues on and passes out of sight and I see despair coming towards me like famine to feel that empty again I listen to my heart wave upon wave salty and red continuing on and on marking time I'm in our first apartment in the bedroom I'm standing in front of the cupboard which has folding doors made of wood around me I know it's empty all the furniture is gone floors are bare no carpets even but despite this the cupboard is full of clothes I think they're my clothes but they don't look like mine I've never seen them before maybe their clothes belonging to Luke's wife whom I've also never seen only pictures and a voice on the phone late at night when she was calling us crying accusing before the divorce but no they're my clothes all right I need a dress I need something to wear I pull out dresses black blue purple jackets skirts none of them will do none of them even fits they're too big or too small Luke is there behind me I turned to see him he won't look at me he looks down at the floor where the cat is rubbing itself against his legs mewing and mewing plaintively it wants food but how can there be any food with the apartment so empty Luke I say who doesn't answer maybe he doesn't hear me it occurs to me that he may not be alive I'm running with her holding her hand pulling dragging her through the Bracken she's only half awake because of the pill I gave her so she wouldn't cry or say anything that would give us away she doesn't know where she is the ground is uneven rocks dead branches the smell of damp Earth old leaves she can't run fast enough by myself I could run faster I'm a good runner now she's crying she frightened I want to carry her but she would be too heavy I have my hiking boots on and I think when we reach the water I'll have to kick them off will it be too cold will she be able to swim that far what about the current we weren't expecting this quiet I say to her angrily I think about her drowning and this thought slows me and the shots come behind us not loud not like firecrackers but sharp and crisp like a dry Branch snapping sounds wrong nothing ever sounds the way you think it will and I hear the voice down is it a real voice or a voice inside my head or my own voice out loud I pull her to the ground and roll on top of her to cover her Shield her quiet I say again my face is wet sweat or tears I feel calm and floating as if I'm no longer in my body close to my eyes there's a leaf red turned early I can see every bright vein it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen I ease off I don't want to smother her instead I curl myself around her keeping my hand over her mouth there's breath and the knocking of my heart like pounding at the door of a house at night where you thought you would be safe how can she she's too young it's too late we come apart my arms are held and the edges go dark and nothing is left but a little window a very little window like the wrong end of a telescope like the window on a Christmas card an old one night and ice outside and within a candle a shining tree a family I can hear the bells even sleigh bells from the radio old music but through this window I can see small small very clear I can see her going away from me through the trees which are already turning red and yellow holding out her arms to me being carried away the Bell wakes me and then Cora knocking at my door I sit up on the rug wipe my wet face with my sleeve of all the dreams this is the worst six household chapter 14. when the bell is finished I descend the stairs a brief wave in the eye of glass that hangs on the downstairs wall the clock ticks with its pendulum keeping time my feet in their neat red shoes count the way down the sitting room door is wide open I go in so far no one else is here I don't sit but take my place kneeling near the chair with the footstool where Serena Joy will shortly enthrone herself leaning on her cane while she lowers herself down possibly she'll put a hand on my shoulder to steady herself as if I'm a piece of furniture she's done it before the sitting room would once have been called a drawing room perhaps than a living room or maybe it's a parlor the kind with a spider and flies but now it's officially a sitting room because that's what is done in it by some for others there's standing room only the posture of the body is important here and now minor discomforts are instructive the sitting room is subdued symmetrical it's one of the shapes money takes when it freezes money has trickled through this room for years and years as if through an underground Cavern crusting and hardening like stalactites into these forms mutely the varied surfaces present themselves the dust Rose velvet of the drawn drapes the gloss of the matching chairs 18th century the cow's tongue hush of the tufted Chinese rug on the floor with its peach pink peonies the Suave leather of the Commander's chair the glint of brass on the box beside it the rug is authentic some things in this room are authentic some are not for instance two paintings both of women one on either side of the fireplace both wear dark dresses like the ones in the old church though of a later date the paintings are possibly authentic I suspect that when Serena Joy acquired them after it became obvious to her that she'd have to redirect her energies into something convincingly domestic she had the intention of passing them off as ancestors or maybe they were in the house when the commander bought it there's no way of knowing such things in any case there they hang their backs and mouth stiff their breasts constricted their faces pinched their cap starched their skin grayish white guarding the room with their narrowed eyes between them over the mantle there's an oval mirror flanked by two pairs of silver candlesticks with a white china Cupid centered between them its arm around the neck of a lamb the tastes of Serena Joy are a strange blend hard lust for Quality Soft sentimental cravings there's a dried flower arrangement on either end of the mantelpiece and a vas of real daffodils on the polished marquetry end table beside the sofa the room smells of lemon oil heavy cloth fading daffodils the leftover smells of cooking that have made their way from the kitchen or the dining room and of Serena Joy's perfume lily of the valley perfume is a luxury she must have some private source I breathe it in thinking I should appreciate it the scent of prepubescent girls of the gifts young children used to give their mothers for Mother's Day the smell of white cotton socks and white cotton petticoats of dusting powder of the Innocence of female flesh not yet given over to hairiness and blood it makes me feel slightly ill as if I'm in a closed car on a hot muggy day with an older woman wearing too much face powder this is what the sitting room is like despite its Elegance I would like to steal something from this room I would like to take some small thing the scroll Dash tray the little silver pill box from the mantle braps or a dried flower hide it in the folds of my dress or in my zippered sleeve keep it there until this evening is over secret it in my room under the bed or in a shoe or in a slit in the hard Petty Point Faith cushion every once in a while I would take it out and look at it would make me feel that I have power but such a feeling would be an illusion and too risky my hands stay where they are fold it in my lap thighs together heels tucked underneath me pressing up against my body head lowered in my mouth there's the taste of toothpaste fake mint and plaster I wait for the household to assemble household that is what we are the commander is the head of the household the house is what he holds heaven to hold till death do us part the hold of a ship Hollow Cora comes in first then Rita wiping her hands on her apron they too have been summoned by the Bell they resented they have other things to do the dishes for instance but they need to be here they all need to be here a ceremony demands it we are all obliged to sit through this one way or another Rita scowls at me before slipping in to stand behind me it's my fault this waste of her time not mine but my bodies if there is a difference even the commander is subject to its whims Nick walks in nods to all three of us looks around the room he too takes his place behind me standing he's so close that the tip of his boot is touching my foot is this on purpose whether it is or not we are touching two shapes of leather I feel my shoe soften blood flows into it grows warm it becomes a skin I move my foot slightly away she'd hurry up says quora hurry up and wait says Nick he laughs moves his foot so it's touching mine again no one can see beneath the folds of my outspread skirt I shift it's too warm in here smell of steel perfume makes me feel a little sick I move my foot away we hear Serena coming down the stairs along the hall the muffled top of her cane on the rug thought of the Good Foot she hobbles through the doorway glances at us counting but not seeing she nods at Nick but says nothing she's in one of her best dresses sky blue with Embroidery in white along the edges of the veil flowers and fretwork even at her age she still feels the urge to wreath herself in flowers no use for you I think at her my face on moving you can't use them anymore you're withered they're the genital organs of plants I read that somewhere once she makes her way to her chair and footstool turns lowers herself lands ungracefully she hoists her left foot onto the stool fumbles in her sleeve pocket I can hear the rustling the click of her lighter I smell the hot singe of the smoke breathe it in late as usual she says we don't answer there's a clatter as she gropes on the lamp table then a click and the television set runs through its warm-up a male choir with greenish yellow skin the color needs adjusting their singing come to the church in the Wildwood come come come come come sing the bases Serena clicks the channel changer waves colored zigzags a garble of sound it's the Montreal satellite station being blocked then there's a preacher Ernest with shining dark eyes leaning towards us across a desk these days they look a lot like businessmen Serena gives him a few seconds then clicks onward several blank channels then the news this is what she's been looking for she leans back inhales deeply I on the contrary Lean Forward child being allowed up late with the grown-ups this is the one good thing about these evenings the evenings of the ceremony I'm allowed to watch the news it seems to be an unspoken rule in this household we always get here on time he's always late Serena always lets us watch the news such as it is who knows if any of it is true it could be old clips it could be faked but I watch it anyway hoping to be able to read beneath it any news Now is better than none first the front lines they're not lines really the war seems to be going on in many places at once wooded Hills seen from above the trees are sickly yellow I wish you'd fix the color the Appalachian Highland says the voiceover where the angels of the Apocalypse fourth division are smoking out a pocket of Baptist Gorillas with air support from the 21st Battalion of the angels of light we are shown two helicopters black ones with Silver Wings painted on the sides below them a clump of trees explodes now a close shot of a prisoner with a stubbled and dirty face flanked by two angels in their neat black uniforms The Prisoner accepts a cigarette from one of the Angels puts it awkwardly to his lips with his bound hands he gives a lopsided little grin the announcer is saying something but I don't hear it I look into this man's eyes trying to decide what he's thinking he knows the cameras on him is the grandest show of defiance or is it submission is he embarrassed at having been caught they show us only victories never defeats who wants bad news possibly he's an actor the Anchorman comes on now his manner is kindly fatherly he gazes out at us from the screen looking with his tan and his white hair and candid eyes wise wrinkles around them like everybody's ideal grandfather what he's telling us his level of smile implies is for our own good everything will be all right soon I promise there will be peace you must Trust he must go to sleep like good children he tells us what we long to believe he's very convincing I struggle against him he's like an old movie star I tell myself with false teeth and a face job the same time I swayed towards him like one hypnotized if only it were true if only I could believe now he's telling us that an underground Espionage ring has been cracked by a team of eyes working with an inside informant the ring has been smuggling precious national resources over the border into Canada five members of the heretical sect of Quakers have been arrested he says smiling blandly and more arrests are anticipated two of the Quakers appear on screen a man and a woman they look terrified but they're trying to preserve some dignity in front of the camera the man has a large dark mark on his forehead the woman's veil has been torn off and her hair Falls in strands over her face both of them are about 50. now we can see a city again from the air this used to be Detroit under the voice of the announcer there's the thunk of artillery from the skyline Columns of smoke ascend resettlement of the children of ham is continuing on schedule says the reassuring pink face back on the screen three thousand have arrived this week in National Homeland one with another 2 000 in transit how are they transporting that many people at once trains buses we are not shown any pictures of this National Homeland one is in North Dakota Lord knows what they're supposed to do once they get there Farm is the theory Serena Joy has had enough of the news impatiently she clicks the button for a station change comes up with an aging based baritone his cheeks like emptied udders Whispering hope is what he's singing Serena turns him off we wait the clock in the hall ticks Serena lights another cigarette I get into the car it's a Saturday morning it's a September we still have a car other people have had to sell theirs my name isn't Alfred I have another name which nobody uses now because it's forbidden I tell myself it doesn't matter your name is like your telephone number useful only to others but what I tell myself is wrong it does matter I keep the knowledge of this name like something hidden some treasure I'll come back to dig up one day I think of this name as buried this name has an aura around it like an amulet some charm that survived from an unimaginably distant past I lie in my single bed at night with my eyes closed and the name floats there behind my eyes not quite Within Reach shining in the dark to Saturday morning in September I'm wearing my shining name the little girl who is now dead sits in the back seat with her two best dolls her stuff rabbit mangy with age and love I know all the details they are sentimental details but I can't help that I can't think about the rabbit too much though I can't start to cry here on the Chinese rug breathing in the smoke that has been inside Serena's body not here not now I can do that later she thought we were going on a picnic and in fact there is a picnic basket on the back seat beside her with real food in it hard-boiled eggs thermos and all we didn't want her to know where we were really going we didn't want her to tell by mistake reveal anything if we were stopped we didn't want to lay upon her the burden of Our Truth I wore my hiking boots she had on her sneakers the laces of the sneakers had a design of hearts on them red purple pink and yellow it was warm for the time of year the leaves were turning already some of them Luke drove I sat beside him the sun Shone the sky was blue the houses as we passed them look comforting and ordinary each house as it was left behind Vanishing into pastime crumbling in an instant as if it had never been because I would never see it again or so I thought then we have almost nothing with us we don't want to look as if we're going anywhere far or permanent we have the forged passports guaranteed worth the price we couldn't pay in money of course or put it on the compu count we used other things some jewelry that was my grandmother's stamp collection Luke inherited from his uncle such things can be exchanged for money in other countries when we get to the Border we'll pretend we're just going over on a day trip the fake Visas are for a day before that I'll give her a sleeping pill so she'll be asleep when we cross that way she won't betray us you can't expect a child to lie convincingly and I don't want her to feel frightened to feel the fear that is now tightening my muscles tensing my spine pulling me so taut that I'm certain I would break if touched every stoplight is an ordeal we'll spend the night at a motel or better sleeping in the car on a side road so there will be no suspicious questions we'll cross in the morning drive over the bridge easily just like driving to the supermarket we turn onto the freeway Head North Flowing with not much traffic since the war started gas is expensive and in short supply outside the city we passed the first checkpoint all they want is a look at the license Luke does it well the license matches the passport we thought of that back on the road he squeezes my hand glances over at me you're white as a sheet he says that is how I feel white flat thin I feel transparent surely they will be able to see through me worse how will I be able to hold on to Luke to her when I'm so flat so white I feel as if there's not much left of me they will slip through my arms as if I'm made of smoke as if I'm a mirage fading before their eyes don't think that way Moira would say think that way and you'll make it happen cheer up says Luke he's driving a little too fast now the adrenaline's gone to his head now he's singing Oh What a Beautiful Morning even his singing worries me we've been warned not to look too happy chapter 15. the commander knocks at the door the knock is prescribed the sitting room is supposed to be Serena Joy's territory he's supposed to ask permission to enter it she likes to keep him waiting it's a little thing but in this household little things mean a lot tonight however she doesn't even get that because before Serena Joy can speak he steps forward into the room anyway maybe he's just forgotten the protocol but maybe it's deliberate who knows what she said to him over the silver encrusted dinner table or didn't say the commander has on his black uniform in which he looks like a museum card semi-retired man genial but wary killing time but only at first glance after that he looks like a Midwestern Bank president with his straight neatly brushed silver hair his sober posture shoulders a little stooped and after that there is his mustache silver also and after that his chin which really you can't miss when you get down as far as the chin he looks like a vodka ad in a glossy magazine of Times Gone by his manner is mild his hands large with thick fingers and acquisitive thumbs his blue eyes uncommunicative falsely innocuous he looks us over as if taking inventory one Neil Woman in Red one seated woman in blue two in green standing a Solitary Man thin faced in the background he manages to appear puzzled as if he can't quite remember how we all got in here as if we are something he inherited like a Victorian pump organ he hasn't figured out what to do with us what we are worth he nods in the general direction of Serena Joy who does not make a sound he crosses to the large leather chair reserved for him takes the key out of his pocket fumbles with the ornate brass-bound leather covered box that stands on the table beside the chair he inserts the key opens the Box lifts out the Bible an ordinary copy with a black cover and gold edged pages the Bible is kept locked up the way people once kept T locked up so the servants wouldn't steal it it is an incendiary device who knows what we'd make of it if we ever got our hands on it we can be read to from it by him but we cannot read our heads turn towards him we are expectant Here Comes our bedtime story the commander sits down and Crosses his legs watched by us the bookmarks are in place he opens the book he clears his throat a little as if embarrassed could I have a drink of water he says to the air please he adds behind me one of them Cora or Rita leaves her space in the Tableau and pads off towards the kitchen the commander sits looking down the Commander's eyes takes out a pair of reading glasses from his inside jacket pocket gold rims slips them on now he looks like a Shoemaker in an old fairy tale book is there no end to his disguises of benevolence we watch him every inch every flicker to be a man watched by women it must be entirely strange to have them watching him all the time to have them wondering what's he going to do next to have them Flinch when he moves even if it's a harmless enough move to reach for an ashtray perhaps to have them sizing him up to have them thinking he can't do it he won't do he'll have to do this lasts as if he were a garment out of style or shoddy which must nevertheless be put on because there's nothing else available to have them putting him on trying him on trying him out while he himself puts them on like a sock over a foot onto the stub of himself his extra sensitive thumb his tentacle his delicate stalked slug's eye which extrudes expands winces and shrivels back into himself when touched wrongly grows big again bulging a little at the tip traveling forward as if along a leaf into them AVID for vision to achieve Vision in this way this journey into a darkness that is composed of women a woman who can see in darkness while he himself strains blindly forward she watches him from within we're all watching him it's one thing we can really do and it's not for nothing if he were to falter fail or die what would become of us no wonder he's like a boot hard on the outside giving shape to a pulp of Tenderfoot that's just a wish I've been watching him for some time and he's given no evidence of softness but watch out Commander I tell him in my head I've got my eye on you one false move and I'm dead still it must be hell to be a man like that it must be just fine it must be hell it must be very silent the water appears the commander drinks it thank you he says Cora rustles back into place the commander pauses looking down scanning the page he takes his time as if unconscious of us he's like a man toying with a stake behind a restaurant window pretending not to see the eyes watching him from Hungry Darkness not three feet from his elbow we lean towards him a little iron filings to his magnet he has something we don't have he has the word how we squandered it once the commander as if reluctantly begins to read he isn't very good at it maybe he's merely bored it's the usual story The Usual stories God to Adam God to Noah be fruitful and multiply and replenish the Earth then comes the moldy old Rachel and Leah stuff we had drummed into us at the center give me children or else I die am I in God's stead who hath withheld from Thee the fruit of the womb behold my maid bilha she shall bear upon my knees that I may also have children by her and so on and so forth we had it read to us every breakfast as we sat in the high school cafeteria eating porridge with cream and brown sugar you're getting the best you know said Aunt Lydia there's a war on things are rationed you are spoiled girls she twinkled as if rebuking a kitten naughty puss for lunch it was the Beatitudes blessed be this blessed be that they played it from a tape so not even an ant would be guilty of the sin of reading the voice was a man's blessed be the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven blessed are the merciful blessed are the meek blessed are the silent I knew they made that up I knew it was wrong and they left things out too but there was no way of checking Blessed Be those that mourn for they shall be comforted nobody said when I checked the clock during dessert canned pears with cinnamon standard for lunch and look for Moira in her place two tables over she's gone already I put my hand up I am excused we don't do this too often and always at different times of day in the washroom I go to the second last doll as usual are you there I whisper large is life and twice as ugly Moira Whispers back nothing much I've got to get out of here I'm going bats feel panic no no more I say don't try it not on your own all fake sick they send an ambulance I've seen it you'll only get as far as the hospital at least it'll be a change I won't have to listen to that old they'll find you out not to worry I'm good at it when I was a kid in high school I cut out vitamin C I got scurvy in the early stages they can't diagnose it then you just start it again and you're fine I'll hide my vitamin pills Moira don't couldn't stand the thought of her not being here with me for me they send two guys with you in the ambulance think about it they must be starved for it they aren't even allowed to put their hands in their pockets the possibilities are you in there time's up said the voice of Aunt Elizabeth from the doorway I stood up flush the toilet two of moira's fingers appeared through the hole in the wall it was only large enough for two fingers I touched my own fingers to them quickly held on let go and Leah said God hath given me my hire because I have given my maiden to my husband says the commander he lets the book fall closed it makes an exhausted sound like a padded door shutting by itself at a distance puff of air The Sounds suggest the softness of the thin oniony Pages how they would feel into the fingers Soft and Dry like papier Putra pink and powdery from the time before you'd get it in booklets for taking the Shine off your nose in those stores that sold candles and soap in The Shapes of Things seashells mushrooms like cigarette paper like petals the commander sits with his eyes closed for a moment as if tired he works long hours he has a lot of responsibilities Serena has begun to cry I can hear her behind my back it isn't the first time she always does this the night of the ceremony she's trying not to make a noise she's trying to preserve her dignity in front of us the Upholstery and the rugs muffle her but we can hear her clearly despite that the tension between her lack of control and her attempt to suppress it is horrible it's like a fart in church I feel as always the urge to laugh but not because I think it's funny the smell of her crying spreads over us and we pretend to ignore it the commander opens his eyes notices frowns ceases to notice now we will have a moment of Silent prayer says the commander we will ask for a blessing and for success in all our adventures I bow my head and close my eyes I listen to the held breath the almost inaudible gasps the shaking going on behind my back how she must hate me I think I pray silently Noli day te bastardes coverendorum I don't know what it means but it sounds right and it will have to do because I don't know what else I can say to God not right now not it as they used to say at this juncture scratched writing on my cupboard wall floats before me left by an unknown woman with the face of Moira I saw her go out to the ambulance on a stretcher buried by two angels what is it I mouth to the woman beside me safe enough a question like that to all but a fanatic a fever she formed with her lips appendicitis they say I was having dinner that evening hamburger balls and hash browns my table was near the window I could see out as far as the front Gates I saw the ambulance come back no siren this time one of the Angels jumped out talked with the guard the guard went into the building the ambulance stayed parked the angel stood with his back towards us as they had been taught to do two of the ants came out of the building with the guard they went around to the back they hauled Moira out dragged her in through the gate and up the front steps holding her onto the armpits one on each side she was having trouble walking I stopped eating I couldn't eat by this time all of us on my side of the table were staring out the window the window was greenish with that chicken wire mesh they used to put inside glass and Lydia said eat your dinner she went over and pulled down the blind they took her into a room that used to be the science lab it was a room where none of us ever went willingly afterwards she could not walk for a week her feet would not fit into her shoes they were too swollen it was the feat they'd do for a first offense they used steel cables frayed at the ends after that the hands they didn't care what they did to your feet and hands even if it was permanent remember said Aunt Lydia for our purposes your feet and your hands are not essential Moira lay on her bed an example she shouldn't have tried it not with the angels Alma said from the next bed over we had to carry her to classes we stole extra paper packets of sugar for her from the cafeteria at meal times smuggled them to her at night handing them from bed to bed probably she didn't need the sugar but it was the only thing we could find to steal to give I am still praying but what I am seeing is Maura's feet the way they looked after they'd brought her back her feet did not look like feet at all they look like drowned feet swollen and boneless except for the color they look like lungs oh God I pray nolita best artists corporatorium is this what you had in mind the commander clears his throat this is what he does to let us know that in his opinion it's time we stopped praying for the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole Earth to know himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect towards him he says it's the sign off he stands up we are dismissed chapter 16. the ceremony goes as usual I lie on my back fully clothed except for the healthy white cotton under chores what I could see if I were to open my eyes would be the large white canopy of Serena Joys outsized colonial style for poster bed suspended like a sagging cloud above us a cloud sprigged with tiny drops of silver rain which if you looked at them closely would turn out to be four petaled flowers I would not see the carpet which is white or the springed curtains and skirted dressing table with its silver-backed brush and mirror set only the canopy which manages to suggest it one in the same time by the gauziness of its Fabric and its heavy downward curve both ethereality and matter or the sale of a ship big bellied sails they used to say in poems bellying propelled forward by a swollen belly a mist of lily of the valley surrounds us chilly crisp almost it's not warm in this room above me towards the head of the bed Serena Joy is arranged outspread her legs are apart I lie between them my head on her stomach her pubic bone under the base of my skull her thighs on either side of me she too is fully clothed my arms are raised she holds my hands each of mine in each of hers this is supposed to signify that we are one flesh one being what it really means is that she is in control of the process and thus of the product if any the rings of her left hand cut into my fingers it may or may not be Revenge my red skirt is hitched up to my waist though no higher below it the commander is what he is is the lower part of my body I do not say making love because this is not what he's doing copulating too would be inaccurate because it would imply two people and only one is involved nor does rape cover it nothing is going on here that I haven't signed up for there wasn't a lot of choice but there was some and this is what I chose therefore I lie still and picture the Unseen canopy over my head I remember Queen Victoria's advice to her daughter close your eyes and think of England but this is not England I wish he would hurry up maybe I'm crazy and this is some new kind of therapy I wish it were true then I could get better and this would go away Serena Joy grips my hands as if it is she not I who's being as if she finds it either pleasurable or painful and the commander Fox with a regular 2-4 marching stroke on and on like a tap dripping he is preoccupied like a man humming to himself in the shower without knowing he's humming like a man who has other things on his mind it's as iffy somewhere else waiting for himself to come drumming his fingers on the table while he waits there's an impatience in his rhythm now but isn't this everyone's wet dream two women at once they used to say that exciting they used to say what's going on in this room under Serena Joy's silvery canopy is not exciting it has nothing to do with passion or love or Romance or any of those other Notions we used to titillate ourselves with it has nothing to do with sexual desire at least for me and certainly not for Serena arousal and orgasm are no longer thought necessary they would be a symptom of frivolity merely like jazz garters or beauty spots Superfluous distractions for the light-minded outdated it seems odd that women once spent such time and energy reading about such things thinking about them worrying about them writing about them they are so obviously recreational this is not Recreation even for the commander this is serious business the Commander 2 is doing his duty if I were to open my eyes a slit I would be able to see him his not unpleasant face hanging over my torso with a few strands of his silver hair falling perhaps over his forehead intent on his inner Journey that place he is hurrying towards which recedes as in a dream at the same speed with which he approaches it I would see his open eyes if he were better looking would I enjoy this more at least he's an improvement on the previous one who smelled like a church cloakroom in the rain like your mouth when the dentist starts picking at your teeth like a nostril the commander instead smells of mothballs or is this odor some punitive form of aftershave why does he have to wear that stupid uniform but what I like his white tufted raw body any better kissing is forbidden between us this makes it bearable one detaches oneself one describes he comes at last with a stifle grown as of relief Serena Joy who has been holding her breath expels it the commander who has been propping himself on his elbows away from our combined bodies doesn't permit himself to sink down into us he rests a moment withdraws recedes re-zippers he nods then turns and leaves the room closing the door with exaggerated care behind him as if both of us are his ailing mother there's something hilarious about this but I don't dare laugh Serena Joy lets go of my hands you can get up now she says get up and get out she's supposed to have me rest for 10 minutes with my feet on a pillow to improve the chances this is meant to be a time of silent meditation for her but she's not in the mood for that there is Loathing in her voice as if the touch of My Flesh sickens and contaminates her I untangle myself from her body stand up the juice of the commander runs down my legs before I turn away I see her straight in her blue skirt clench her legs together she continues lying on the bed gazing up at the canopy above her stiff and straight as an effigy which of us is it worse for her or me chapter 17. this is what I do when I'm back in my room I take off my clothes and put on my nightgown I look for the pat of butter in the toe of my right shoe where I hid it after dinner the cupboard was too warm the butter is semi-liquid much of it is sunk into the paper napkin I wrapped it in now I'll have butter in my shoe not the first time because whenever there is butter or even margarine I save some in this way I can get most of the butter off the shoe lining with a washcloth or some toilet paper from the bathroom tomorrow I rub the butter over my face work it into the skin of my hands there's no longer any hand lotion or face cream not for us such things are considered vanities we are containers it's only the insides of our bodies that are important the outside can become hard and wrinkled for all they care like the shell of a nut this was a decree of the wives this absence of hand lotion they don't want us to look attractive for them things are bad enough as it is the butter is a trick I learned at the Rachel and Leah Center the red Center we called it because there was so much red my predecessor in this room my friend with the freckles and the good laugh must have done this too this buttering we all do it as long as we do this butter our skin to keep it soft we can believe that we will someday get out that we will be touched again in love or desire we have ceremonies of Our Own private ones the butter is greasy and it will go rancid and I will smell like an old cheese but at least it's organic as they used to say to such devices have we descended buttered I lie on my single bed flat like a piece of toast I can't sleep in the semi-dark I stare up with the blind plaster eye in the middle of the ceiling stares back down at me even though it can't see there's no Breeze my white curtains are like gauze bandages hanging limp climbering in the aura cast by the Searchlight that illuminates this house at night or is there a moon I fold back the sheet get carefully up on silent bare feet in my nightgown go to the window like a child I want to see the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow the sky is clear but hard to make out because of the Searchlight but yes in the obscured Sky a moon does float newly Jing Moon a sliver of ancient Rock a goddess a wink the Moon is a stone and the sky is full of deadly Hardware but oh God how beautiful anyway I want Luke here so badly I want to be held and told my name I want to be valued in ways that I am not I want to be more than valuable I repeat my former name remind myself of what I once could do how others saw me I want to steal something in the hall the night light's on the long space closed gently pink I walk one foot set carefully down than the other without creaking along the runner as if on a forest floor sneaking my heart quick through the night house I am out of place this is entirely illegal down past the fisheye on the hall wall I can see my white shape of tinted body hair down my back like a Mane My Eyes gleaming I like this I am doing something on my own the active is it a tense tensed what I would like to steal is a knife from the kitchen but I'm not ready for that I reached the sitting room door is a jar slip in leave the door a little open squeak of wood but who's near enough to hear I stand in the room letting the pupils of my eyes dilate like a cats or owls old perfume cloth dust fill my nostrils there's a slight mist of light coming through the cracks around the closed drapes from the Searchlight outside where two men doubtless Patrol I've seen them from above from behind my curtains dark shapes cutouts now I can see outlines gleams from the mirror the bases of the lamps the vases the sofa looming like a cloud at dusk what should I take something that will not be missed in the wood at midnight a magic flower a withered daffodil not one from the dried arrangement the daffodils will soon be thrown out they're beginning to smell along with Serena's stale fumes stench of her knitting I grope find an end table feel there's a clink I must have knocked something I find the daffodils crisp at the edges where they've dried limp towards the stems use my fingers to pinch I will press this somewhere under the mattress leave it there for the next woman the one who comes after me to find but there's someone in the room behind me I hear the step quiet as mine the creaking of the same floorboard the door closes behind me with a little click cutting the light I freeze why it was a mistake I'm snowing moonlight even in the dark then a whisper don't scream as if I'd scream as if it's all right I turn a shape that's all dough glint of cheekbone devoid of color he steps towards me Nick you're doing in here I don't answer he too is illegal here with me he can't give me away nor I him for the moment where mirrors he puts his hand on my arm pulls me against him his mouth on mine what else comes from such denial without a word both of us shaking how I'd like to in Serena's parlor with the dried flowers on the Chinese carpet his thin body a man entirely unknown it would be like shouting it would be like shooting someone my hand goes down how about that I could unbutton and then but it's too dangerous he knows it we push each other away not far too much trust too much risk too much already I was coming to find you he says breathes almost into my ear I want to reach up taste his skin he makes me hungry his fingers move feeling my arm under the nightgown sleeve as if his hand won't listen to reason it's so good to be touched by someone to be felt so greedily to feel so greedy Luke you know you'd understand it's you here in another body why I say is it so bad for him that he'd take the risk of coming to my room at night I think of the hanged men hooked on the wall I can hardly stand up I have to get away back to the stairs before I dissolve entirely his hands on my shoulder now held still heavy pressing down on me like warm lead is this what I would die for I'm a coward I hate the thought of pain he told me to Nick says he wants to see you in his office what do you mean I say the commander it must be see me what does he mean by C hasn't he had enough of me tomorrow he says just Audible in the dark parlor we move away from each other slowly as if pulled towards each other by a force current pulled apart also by hands equally strong I find the door turn the knob fingers on cool porcelain open it's all I can do seven night chapter 18. I lie in bed still trembling you can wet the rim of a glass and run your finger around the rim and it will make a sound this is what I feel like this sound of glass I feel like the word shatter I want to be with someone lying in bed with Luke his hand on my rounded belly the three of us in bed she kicking turning over Within Me thunderstorm outside the window that's why she's awake they can hear they sleep they can be startled even there in the soothing of the Heart Like waves on the shore around them a flash of lightning quite close Luke's eyes go white for an instant I'm not frightened we're Wide Awake the rain hits now we will be slow and careful if I thought this would never happen again I would die but this is wrong nobody dies from lack of sex it's lack of love we die from there's nobody here I can love all the people I could love are dead or elsewhere who knows where they are or what their names are now they might as well be nowhere as I am for them I too am a missing person from time to time I can see their faces against the dark flickering like the images of saints in Old foreign cathedrals in the light of the drafty candles candles you would like to pray by kneeling your forehead against the wooden railing hoping for an answer I can conjure them but they are mirages only they don't last can I be blamed for wanting a real body to put my arms around without it I too am disembodied I can listen to my own heartbeat against the bedsprings I can stroke myself under the dry white sheets in the dark but I too am dry and white hard granular it's like running my hand over a plate full of dried rice it's like snow there's something dead about it something deserted I am like a room where things once happened and now nothing does except the pollen of the weeds that grow up outside the window blowing in his dust across the floor here's what I believe I believe Luke is lying face down in a Thicket a tangle of bracken the brown fronds from last year under the green ones just unrolled or ground Hemlock perhaps although it's too early for the red berries what is left of him his hair the bones the Plaid wool shirt green and black the leather belt the work boots I know exactly what he was wearing I can see his clothes in my mind bright as a lithograph or a full color advertisement from an ancient magazine though not his face not so well his face is beginning to fade possibly because it wasn't always the same his face had different expressions his clothes did not I pray that the whole or two or three that was more than one shot they were close together I pray that at least one hole is neatly quickly and finally through the skull through the place where all the pictures were so that there would have been only the one Flash of Darkness or pain dull I hope like the word thud only the one and then silence I believe this I also believe that Luke is sitting up in a rectangle somewhere gray cement on a ledge or the edge of something a bed or chair God knows what he's wearing God knows what they put him in God isn't the only one who knows so maybe there could be some way of finding out he hasn't shaved for a year though they cut his hair short whenever they feel like it for lice they say I'll have to revise that if they cut the hair for lice they cut the beard too you'd think anyway they don't do it well the hair is ragged the back of his neck is nicked that's hardly the worst he looks 10 years older 20. he's bent like an old man his eyes are pouched small purple veins have burst in his cheeks there's a scar no a wound it isn't yet healed the color of tulips near the stem end down the left side of his face where the flesh split recently the body is so easily damaged so easily disposed of water and chemicals is all it is hardly more to it than a jellyfish drying on sand he finds it painful to move his hands painful to move he doesn't know what he's accused of problem there must be something some accusation otherwise why are they keeping him why isn't he already dead he must know something they want to know I can't imagine I can't imagine he hasn't already said whatever it is I would be surrounded by a smell his own the smell of a cooped up animal in a dirty cage I imagine him resting because I can't bear to imagine him at any other time just as I can't imagine anything below his collar above his cuffs I don't want to think what they've done to his body does he have shoes no and the floor is cold and wet does he know I'm here alive that I'm thinking about him I have to believe so in reduced circumstances you have to believe all kinds of things I believe in thought transference now vibrations in The Ether that sort of junk I never used to I also believe that they didn't catch him or catch up with him after all then he made it reach the bank swam the river cross the border dragged himself up on the far Shore an island teeth chattering found his way to a nearby Farmhouse was allowed in with suspicion at first but then when they understood who he was they were friendly not the sort who would turn him in perhaps they were Quakers they will smuggle him Inland from house to house The Woman made him some hot coffee and gave him a set of her husband's clothes I picture the clothes it comforts me to dress him warmly he made contact with the others there must be a resistance a government in Exile someone must be out there taking care of things I believe in the resistance as I believe there can be no light without shadow or rather no Shadow unless there is also light there must be a resistance or where do all the criminals come from on the television any day now there may be a message from him it will come in the most unexpected way from the least likely person someone I never would have suspected under my plate on the dinner tray slipped into my hand as I reached the tokens across the counter in All Flesh the message will say that I must have patience sooner or later he will get me out we will find her wherever they put her she'll remember us and we will be all three of us together meanwhile I must endure keep myself safe for later what has happened to me what's happening to me now won't make any difference to him he loves me anyway he knows it isn't my fault the message will say that also it's this message which may never arrive that keeps me alive I believe in the message the things I believe can't all be true though one of them must be but I believe in all of them all three versions of Luke at one in the same time this contradictory way of believing seems to me right now the only way I can believe anything whatever the truth is I will be ready for it this also is a belief of mine this also may be untrue one of the gravestones in the cemetery near the earliest church has an anchor on it and an hourglass and the words in Hope in Hope why did they put that above a dead person was it the corpse hoping were those still alive does Luke hope eight birthday chapter 19. I'm dreaming that I am awake I dream that I get out of bed and walk across the room not this room and go out the door not this door I'm at home one of my homes and she's running to meet me in her small green nightgown with the sunflower on the front her feet bare and I pick her up and feel her arms and legs go around me and I begin to cry because I know then that I'm not awake I'm back in this bed trying to wake up and I wake up and sit on the edge of the bed and my mother comes in with a tray and asks me if I'm feeling better when I was sick as a child she had to stay home from work but I'm not awake this time either after these dreams I do awake and I know I'm really awake because there is the wreath on the ceiling and my curtains hanging like drowned white hair I feel drugged I consider this maybe they're drugging me maybe the life I think I'm living is a paranoid delusion not a hope I know where I am and who and what day it is these are the tests and I am sane ity is a valuable possession I hoard it the way people once hoarded money I save it so I will have enough when the time comes grayness comes through the curtains hazy bright not much sun today I get out of bed go to the window kneel on the window seat the hard little cushion faith and look out there is nothing to be seen I wonder what has become of the other two cushions there must have been three ones hope and charity where have they been stowed Serena Joy has tidy habits she wouldn't throw away anything not quite worn out one for Rita one for Cora the Bell goes I'm up before it ahead of time I dress not looking down I sit in the chair and think about the word chair it can also mean the leader of a meeting it can also mean a mode of execution it is the first syllable in charity it is the French word for flesh none of these facts has any connection with the others these are the kinds of litenees I use to compose myself in front of me is a tray and on the tray are a glass of apple juice a vitamin pill a spoon a plate with three slices of brown toast on it a small dish containing honey and another plate with an egg cup on it the kind that looks like a woman's torso in a skirt under the skirt is the second egg being kept warm the egg cup is white China with a blue stripe the first egg is white I move the egg cup a little so it's now in the watery sunlight that comes through the window and Falls brightening waning brightening again on the tray the shell of the egg is smooth but also grained small Pebbles of calcium are defined by the sunlight like craters on the moon it's a Barren landscape yet perfect the sword of desert the saints went into so their minds would not be distracted by profusion I think that this is what God must look like an egg the life of the Moon may not be on the surface but inside the egg is glowing now as if it had an energy of its own to look at the egg gives me intense pleasure sun goes and the Egg fades I picked the egg out of the cup and finger it for a moment it's warm women used to carry such eggs between their breasts to incubate them that would have felt good the minimalist life pleasure is an egg blessings that can be counted on the fingers of one hand possibly this is how I am expected to react if I have an egg what more can I want in reduced circumstances the desire to live attaches itself to strange objects I would like a pet a bird say or a cat a familiar anything at all familiar a rat would do in a pinch but there's no chance of that this house is too clean I slice the top off the egg with the spoon and eat the contents while I'm eating the second egg I hear the siren at a great distance at first winding its way towards me among the large houses and clipped lawns a thin sound like the hum of an insect then nearing opening out like a flower of sound opening into a trumpet a proclamation this siren I put down my spoon my heart speeds up I go to the window again will it be blue and not for me but I see it turn the corner come along the street stop in front of the house still blaring and it's red Joy to the World rare enough these days I leave the second egg half eaten hurry to the closet for my cloak and already I can hear feet on the stairs and the voices calling hurry says Cora won't wait all day and she helps me on with the cloak she's actually smiling I almost run down the hall the stairs are like skiing the front door is wide today I can go through it and the guardian stands there saluting it started to rain a drizzle and the gravid smell of Earth and grass fills the air the red birth mobile is parked in the driveway its back door is open and I clamber in the carpet on the floor is red red curtains are drawn over the windows there are three women in here already sitting on the benches that run the length of the van on either side the guardian closes and locks the double doors and climbs into the front beside the driver through the glassed over wire Grill we can see the backs of their heads we start with a Lurch while overhead the siren screams make way make way who is it I say to the woman next to me into her ear or where her ear must be under the white headdress I almost have to shout the noise is so loud of Warren she shouts back impulsively she grabs my hand squeezes it as we Lurch around the corner she turns to me and I see her face there are tears running down her cheeks but tears of what Envy disappointment but no she's laughing she throws her arms around me I've never seen her before she hugs me she has large breasts under the red habit she wipes her sleeve across her face on this day we can do anything we want I revise that within limits across from us on the other bench one woman is praying eyes closed hands up to her mouth or she may not be praying she may be biting her thumbnails possibly she's trying to keep calm The Third Woman is calm already she sits with her arms folded smiling a little the siren goes on and on that used to be the sound of death for ambulances or fires possibly it will be the sound of death today also we will soon know what will of war and give birth to a baby as we all hope or something else an unbaby with a pinhead or a snout like a dogs two bodies or a hole in its heart or no arms or webbed hands and feet there's no telling they could tell once with machines but that is not how long what would be the point of knowing anyway you can't have them taken out whatever it is must be carried to term the chances are one in four we learned that at the center the air got too full once of chemicals Rays radiation the water swarmed with toxic molecules all of that takes years to clean up and meanwhile they creep into your body camp out in your fatty cells who knows your very flesh may be polluted dirty as an oily Beach sure death to Shorebirds and unborn babies maybe a vulture would die of eating you maybe you light up in the dark like an old-fashioned watch Death Watch that's a kind of beetle it buries carrion I can't think of myself my body sometimes without seeing the skeleton how I must appear to an electron a cradle of Life made of Bones and within hazards warped proteins bad crystals Jagged as glass women took medicines pills men sprayed trees cows ate grass all that souped-up piss flowed into the rivers not to mention the exploding Atomic power plants along the San Andreas Fault nobody's fault during the earthquakes and the mutant strain of syphilis no mold could touch some did it themselves had themselves tied shut with cat gut or scarred with chemicals said Aunt Lydia oh how could they have done such a Jezebels scorning God's gifts wringing her hands it's a risk you're taking said Aunt Lydia but you are the shock troops you will March out and Advance into dangerous territory the greater the risk the greater the glory she clasped her hands radiant with our phony courage we looked down at the tops of our desks to go through all that and give birth to a shredder it wasn't a fine thought we didn't know exactly what would happen to the babies that didn't get past that were declared on babies but we knew they were put somewhere quickly away there was no one cause says Aunt Lydia she stands at the front of the room in her khaki dress a pointer in her hand pulled down in front of the Blackboard where once there would have been a map is a graph showing the birth rate per thousand for years and years a slippery slope down past the zero line of replacement and down and down of course some women believed there would be no future they thought the world would explode that was the excuse they used says Aunt Lydia they said there was no sense in breeding at Lydia's nostrils narrow such wickedness they were lazy women she says they were on the top of my desk there are initials carved into the wood and dates the initials are sometimes in two sets joined by the word loves j h loves BP 1954. or loves LT these seem to me like the inscriptions I used to read about carved on the stone walls of caves or drawn with a mixture of soot and animal fat they seem to me incredibly ancient the desktop is of blonde wood it Slants down and there is an armrest on the right side to lean on when you were riding on paper with a pen inside the desk you could keep things books notebooks these habits of former times appear to me now lavish decadent almost immoral like the orgies of Barbarian regimes M loves G 1972 this carving done with a pencil dug many times into the worn varnish of the desk has the pathos have all vanished civilizations it's like a handprint on Stone whoever made that was once alive there are no dates after the mid 80s this must have been one of the schools that was closed down then for lack of children they made mistakes says Aunt Lydia we don't intend to repeat them her voice is pious condescending the voice of those whose Duty it is to tell us unpleasant things for our own good I would like to strangle her I shoved this thought away almost as soon as I think it a thing is valued she says only if it is rare and hard to get we want you to be valued girls she is rich in pauses which she Sievers in her mouth think of yourselves as pearls we sitting in our Rose eyes down we make her salivate morally we are hers to Define we must suffer her adjectives I think about pearls pearls are congealed oyster spit this is what I will tell Moira later if I can all of us here will lick you into shape says Aunt Lydia with satisfied good cheer the van stops the back doors are opened the guardian herds us out at the front door stands another Guardian with one of those snubby machine guns slung over his shoulder we file towards the front door in the drizzle the guardian saluting the big emerge van the one with the machines and the mobile doctors has parked farther along the circular Drive I see one of the doctors looking out the window of the van I wonder what they do in there waiting play cards most likely or read some masculine Pursuit most of the time they aren't needed at all they're only allowed in if it can't be helped it used to be different they used to be in charge a shame it was said Aunt Lydia shameful what she just showed us was a film made in an olden days Hospital a pregnant woman wired up to a machine electrodes coming out of her every which way so that she looked like a broken robot an intravenous drip feeding into her arm some man with a Searchlight looking up between her legs where she'd been shaved a mere beardless girl a tree full of bright sterilized knives everyone with masks on a Cooperative patient once they drugged women induced labor cut them open sewed them up no more no anesthetics even Aunt Elizabeth said it was better for the baby but also I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception in sorrow Thou shalt bring forth children at lunch we got that brown bread and lettuce sandwiches as I'm going up the steps wide steps with a stone urn on either side of Warren's Commander must be higher status than ours I hear another siren it's the blue birth mobile for wives that will be Serena Joy arriving in state no benches for them they get real seats upholstery they face friend and are not curtained off they know where they're going probably Serena Joy has been here before to this house for tea probably of Warren formerly that whiny Janine was paraded out in front of her her and the other wives so they could see her belly feel it perhaps and congratulate the wife strong girl good muscles no Agent Orange in her family we checked the records you can never be too careful and perhaps one of the Kinder ones would you like a cookie dear oh no you'll spoil her too much sugar is bad for them surely one won't hurt just this one's Mildred and sucky Janine oh yes can I ma'am please such a so well behaved not Surly like some of them do their job and that's that more like a daughter to you as you might say one of the family comfortable matronly Chuckles that's all dear you can go back to your room and after she's gone little all of them you can't be choosy you take what they hand out right girls that from the Commander's wife oh but you've been so lucky some of them why they aren't even clean and won't give you a smile mope in their rooms don't wash their hair the smell I have to get the marthas to do it almost have to hold her down in the bathtub you practically have to bribe her to get her to take a bath even you have to threaten her I had to take Stern measures with mine and now she doesn't eat her dinner properly and as for the other thing not a nibble and we've been so regular but yours she's a credit to you and any day now oh you must be so excited she's big as a house I bet you can hardly wait more tea modestly changing the subject I know the sort of thing that goes on and Janine up in her room what does she do sits with the taste of sugar still in her mouth licking her lips stares out the window breathes in and out caresses her swollen breasts thinks of nothing chapter 20. the central staircase is wider than ours with a curved banister on either side from above I can hear the chanting of the women who are already there we go up the stairs single file being careful not to step on the trailing hems of each other's dresses to the left the double doors to the dining room are folded back and inside I can see the long table covered with a white cloth and spread with a Buffet ham cheese oranges they have oranges and fresh baked Breads and cakes as for us we'll get milk and sandwiches on a tray later but they have a coffee urn and bottles of wine for why shouldn't the wives get a little drunk on such a triumphant day first though wait for the results then they'll pig out they're gathered in the sitting room on the other side of the stairway now cheering on this Commander's wife the wife of Warren a small thin woman she lies on the floor in a white cotton nightgown her graying hair spreading like mildew over the rug they massage her tiny belly just as if she's really about to give birth herself the commander of course is nowhere in sight he's gone wherever men go on such occasions some hideout probably he's figuring out when his promotion is likely to be announced if all goes well he's sure to get one now a Warren is in the master bedroom a good name for it or this Commander and his wife nightly bed down she's sitting on their king-size bed propped with pillows Janine inflated but reduced shorn of her former name she's wearing a white cotton shift which is hiked up over her thighs her long broom-colored hair is pulled back and tied behind her head to keep it out of the way her eyes are squeezed closed and this way I can almost like her after all she's one of us what did she ever want but to lead her life as agreeably as possible what else did any of us want it's the possible that's the catch she's not doing badly under the circumstances two women I don't know stand on either side of her gripping her hands or she theirs a third lifts the nightgown pours baby oil onto her mound of stomach rubs downwards at her feet stands Aunt Elizabeth in her khaki dress with the military breast pockets she was the one who taught gained all I can see of her is the side of her head her profile but I know it's her that jutting nose and handsome chin severe at her side stands the birthing stool with its double seat the back one raised like a throne behind the other they won't put Janine on it before it's time the blanket stand ready the small tub for bathing the bowl of ice for Janine to suck the rest of the women's sit cross-legged on the rug there's a crowd of them everyone in this district is supposed to be here it must be 25 30. not every Commander has a handmaid some of their wives have children from each says the slogan according to her ability to each according to his needs we recited that three times after dessert it was from the Bible or so they said Saint Paul again in Acts you are a transitional generation said at Lydia it is the hardest for you we know the sacrifices you are being expected to make it is hard when men revile you for the ones who come after you it will be easier they will accept their duties with willing hearts she did not say because they will have no memories of any other way she said because they won't want things they can't have once a week we had movies after lunch and before our nap we sat on the floor of the domestic science room on our little gray mats and waited while Aunt Helena and Lydia struggled with the projection equipment if we were lucky they wouldn't get the film threaded upside down what it reminded me of was geography classes at my own high school thousands of years before they showed movies of the rest of the world women in long skirts or cheap printed cotton dresses carrying bundles of sticks or baskets or plastic buckets of water from some River or other with babies slung on them in shawls or net slings looking squint-eyed or afraid out of the screen at us knowing something was being done to them by a machine with one glass eye but not knowing what those movies were comforting and faintly boring they made me feel sleepy even when men came onto the screen with naked muscles packing away at hard dirt with primitive hoes and shovels hauling rocks I preferred movies with dancing in them singing ceremonial masks carved artifacts for making music feathers brass buttons conch shells drums I liked watching these people when they were happy not when they were miserable starving emaciated straining themselves to death over some simple thing the digging of a well the irrigation of land problems the Civilized Nations had long ago solved I thought someone should just give them the technology and let them get on with it Aunt Lydia didn't show these kinds of movies sometimes the movie she showed would be an old porno film from the 70s or 80s women kneeling sucking penises or guns women tied up or chained or with dog collars around their necks women hanging from trees or upside down naked with their legs held apart women being raped beaten up killed once we had to watch a woman being slowly cut into pieces her fingers and breasts snipped off with garden shears her stomach slid open and her intestines pulled out consider the Alternatives said Aunt Lydia you see what things used to be like that was what they thought of women then her voice trembled with indignation Moira said later that it wasn't real it was done with models but it was hard to tell sometimes though the movie would be what Aunt Lydia called an unwoman documentary imagine said Aunt Lydia wasting their time like that when they should have been doing something useful back then the unwomen were always wasting time they were encouraged to do it the government gave them money to do that very thing mind you some of their ideas were sound enough she went on with the smug Authority in her voice of one who is in a position to judge we would have to condone some of their ideas even today only some mind you she said coyly raising her index finger waggling it at us but they were Godless and that can make all the difference don't you agree I sit on my mat hands folded Annette Lydia steps to the side away from the screen and the lights go out and I wonder whether I can in the dark lean far over to the right without being seen and Whisper to the woman next to me what will I whisper I will say have you seen Moira because nobody has she wasn't at breakfast but the room although dim isn't dark enough so I switch my mind into the holding pattern that passes for attention they don't play the soundtrack on movies like these though they do on the porno films they want us to hear the screams and Grunts and shrieks of what is supposed to be either extreme pain or extreme pleasure or both at once but they don't want us to hear what the young women are saying first come the title and some names blacked out on the film with a crayon so we can't read them and then I see my mother my young mother younger than I remember her as young as she must have been once before I was born she's wearing the kind of outfit Aunt Lydia told us was typical of unwomen in those days overall genes with a green and mauve plaid shirt underneath and sneakers on her feet the sort of thing Moira once wore the sort of thing I can remember wearing long ago myself her hair is tucked into a mauve kerchief tied behind her head her face is very young very serious even pretty I forgotten my mother was once as pretty and as Earnest as that she's in a group of other women dressed in the same fashion she's holding a stick no it's part of a banner the handle the camera pounds up and we see the writing in paint on what must have been a bed sheet Take Back the Night this hasn't been blacked out even though we aren't supposed to be reading the women around me breathe in there's a stirring in the room like wind over grass is this an oversight have we gotten away with something or is this a thing we're intended to see to remind us of the old days of no safety behind the sign there are other signs and the camera notices them briefly freedom to choose every baby a wanted baby recapture our bodies do you believe a woman's place is on the kitchen table under the last sign there's a line drawing of a woman's body lying on a table blood dripping out of it now my mother is moving forward she's smiling laughing they all move forward and now they're raising their fists in the air the camera moves to the sky hundreds of balloons rise trailing their strings Red Balloons with a circle painted on them a circle with a stem like the stem of an apple the stem is a cross back on the Earth my mother is part of the crowd now and I can't see her anymore I had you when I was 37 my mother said it was a risk you could have been deformed or something you were a wanted child all right and did I get from some quarters my oldest buddy Tricia Foreman accused me of being pro-natalist the jealousy I put that down to some of the others were okay though but when I was six months pregnant a lot of them started sending me these articles about how the birth defect rate went zooming up after 35. just what I needed and stuff about how hard it was to be a single parent that I told them I've started this and I'm going to finish it at the hospital they wrote down aged Prima Pera on the chart I caught them in the act that's what they call you when it's your first baby over 30. over 30 for God's sake garbage I told them biologically I'm 22. I could run rings around you any day I could have triplets and walk out of here while you were still trying to get up off the bed when she said that she'd jet out her chin I remember her like that her chin jutted out a drink in front of her on the kitchen table not young and Earnest and pretty the way she was in the movie but wiry spunky the kind of old woman who won't let anyone butt in front of her in a supermarket line she liked to come over to my house and have a drink while Luke and I were fixing dinner and tell us what was wrong with her life which always turned into what was wrong with ours hair was gray by that time of course she wouldn't diet why pretend she'd say anyway what do I need it for I don't want a man around what use are they except for 10 seconds worth of half babies a man is just a woman's strategy for making other women not that your father wasn't a nice guy and all but he wasn't up to fatherhood not that I expected it of him just do the job then you can bug her off I said I make a decent salary I can afford daycare so he went to the coast and sent Christmas cards be a beautiful blue eyes though but there's something missing in them even the nice ones it's like they're permanently absent-minded like they can't quite remember who they are they look at the sky too much they lose touch with their feet they aren't a patch on a Woman except they're better at fixing cars and playing football just what we need for the Improvement of the human race right that was the way she talked even in front of Luke he didn't mind he teased her by pretending to be macho he'd tell her women were incapable of abstract thought and she'd have another drink and grin at him chauvinist Pig she'd say isn't she quaint Luke would say to me and my mother would look Sly fertile almost I'm entitled she'd say I'm old enough I've paid my dues it's time for me to be quaint you're still wet behind the ears piglet I should have said as for you she'd say to me you're just a backlash flash in the pan history will absolve me but she wouldn't say things like that until after the third drink you young people don't appreciate things she'd say you don't know what we had to go through just to get you where you are look at him slicing up the carrots don't you know how many women's lives how many women's bodies the tanks had to roll over just to get that far cooking's my hobby Luke would say I enjoy it hobby shmobby my mother would say you don't have to make excuses to me once upon a time you wouldn't have been allowed to have such a hobby they'd have called you queer now mother I would say let's not get into an argument about nothing nothing she'd say bitterly you call it nothing you don't understand do you you don't understand at all what I'm talking about sometimes she would cry I was so lonely she'd say you have no idea how lonely I was and I had friends I was a lucky one but I was lonely anyway I admired my mother in some ways all the things between us were never easy she expected too much from me I felt she expected me to vindicate her life for her and the choices she'd made I didn't want to live my life on her terms I didn't want to be the model offspring the Incarnation of her ideas we used to fight about that I am not your justification for existence I said to her once I want her back I want everything back the way it was but there is no point to it this one thing chapter 21. it's hot in here and too noisy the women's voices rise around me a soft chant that is still too loud for me after the days and days of Silence in the corner of the room there's a blood-stained sheet bundled and tossed there from when the waters broke I hadn't noticed it before the room smells too the air is close they should open a window the smell is of our own flesh an organic smell sweat and a tinge of iron from the blood on the sheet and another smell more animal that's coming it must be from Janine a smell of dens of inhabited caves the smell of the Plaid blanket on the bed when the cat gave birth on it once before she was spayed smell of Matrix breathe breathe we chant as we have been taught hold [Music] expel expel expel we chant to the count of five in hold for five out for five Janine her eyes closed tries to slow her breathing Aunt Elizabeth feels for the contractions now Janine is restless she wants to walk the two women help her off the bed support her on either side while she paces a contraction hits her she doubles over one of the women kneels and rubs her back we are all good at this we've had lessons I recognize of Glenn my shopping partner sitting two away from me the soft chanting envelops us like a membrane amartha arrives with a tray a jug of fruit juice the kind you make from Powder grape it looks like and a stack of paper cups she sets it on the rug in front of the chanting women of Glenn not missing a beat pores and the paper cups passed down the line I receive a cup lean to the side to pass it and the woman next to me says low in my ear are you looking for anyone Moira I say just as low dark hair freckles no the woman says I don't know this woman she wasn't at the center with me though I've seen her shopping but I'll watch for you are you I say Alma she says what's your real name I want to tell her there was an Elmo with me at the center I want to tell her my name but aunt Elizabeth raises her head staring around the room she must have heard a break in the Chant so there's no more time sometimes you can find things out on birthdays but there would be no point in asking about Luke he wouldn't be where any of these women would be likely to see him the chanting goes on it begins to catch me it's hard work you're supposed to concentrate identify with your body said Aunt Elizabeth already I can feel slight pains in my belly and my breasts are heavy Janine screams a weak scream part way between a scream and a groan is going into transition says Aunt Elizabeth one of the helpers wipes Janine's forehead with a damp cloth janina's sweating now her hair is escaping in wisps from the elastic band bits of it stick to her forehead and neck her flesh is damp saturated lustrous pant pant pant we chant I want to go outside says Janine I want to go for a walk I feel fine I have to go to the can we all know that she's in transition she doesn't know what she's doing which of these statements is true probably the last one and Elizabeth signals two women stand beside the portable toilet janina's lowered gently onto it there's another smell added to the others in the room Janine groans again her head bent over so all we can see is her hair crouching like that she's like a doll an old one that's been pillaged and discarded in some corner akimbo Janine is up again and walking I want to sit down she says how long have we been here minutes or hours I'm sweating now my dress under my arms is drenched I taste salt on my upper lip the false pains clench at me the others feel it too I can tell by the way they sway Janine is sucking on an ice cube then after that inches away or miles no she screams oh no oh no oh no it's her second baby she had another child once I know that from the center when she used to cry about it at night like the rest of us only more noisily so she ought to be able to remember this what it's like what's coming but who can remember pain once it's over All That Remains of it is a shadow not in the mind even in the flesh pain marks you too deep to see out of sight out of mind someone has spiked the grape juice someone has pinched a bottle from downstairs it won't be the first time at such a gathering but they'll turn a blind eye we too need our orgies dim the lights says Aunt Elizabeth tell her it's time someone stands moves to the wall the light in the room Fades to Twilight our voices dwindled to A Chorus of creaks of husky Whispers like grasshoppers in a field at night two leave the room two others lead Janine to the birthing stool where she sits on the lower of the two seats she's calmer now air sucks evenly into her lungs we lean forward tensed the muscles in our backs and bellies hurt from the strain it's coming it's coming like a bugle a call to arms like a wall falling we can feel it like a heavy Stone moving down pulled down inside us we think we will burst we grip each other's hands we are no longer single the Commander's wife hurries in in her ridiculous white cotton nightgown her spindly legs sticking out beneath it two of the wives in their blue dresses and veils hold her by the arms as if she needs it she has a tight little smile on her face like a hostess at a party she'd rather not be giving she must know what we think of her she scrambles onto the birthing stool sits on the seat behind and above Janine so that Janine is framed by her her skinny legs come down on either side like the Arms of an eccentric chair oddly enough she's wearing white cotton socks and bedroom slippers blue ones made of fuzzy material like toilet seat covers but we pay no attention to the wife we hardly even see her our eyes are on Janine in the dim light in her white gown She Glows like a moon and Cloud she's grunting now with the effort push push push we whisper relax pant push push push we're with her we're the same as her we're drunk Aunt Elizabeth kneels with an outspread towel to catch the baby here's the crowning the glory the head purple and smeared with yogurt another push and it slithers out slick with fluid and blood into our waiting Oh Praise we hold our breath as Aunt Elizabeth inspects it a girl poor thing but so far so good at least there's nothing wrong with it that can be seen hands feet eyes we silently count everything is in place and Elizabeth holding the baby looks up at us and smiles we smile too We Are One smile tears run down our cheeks we are so happy our happiness is part memory what I remember is Luke with me in the hospital standing beside my head holding my hand in the green gown and white mask they gave him oh he said oh Jesus breath coming out and wonder that night he couldn't go to sleep at all he said he was so high Aunt Elizabeth is gently washing the baby off it isn't crying much it stops as quietly as possible so as not to startle It We rise crowd around Janine squeezing her patting her she's crying too the two wives in blue help the third wife the wife of the household down from the birthing stool and over to the bed where they lay her down and tuck her in the baby washed now and quiet his placed ceremoniously in her arms the wives from downstairs are crowding in now pushing Among Us pushing us aside they talk too loud some of them are still carrying their plates their coffee cups their wine glasses some of them are still chewing they cluster around the bed the mother and child cooing and congratulating Envy radiates from them smell it faint wisps of acid mingled with their perfume the Commander's wife looks down at the baby as if it's a bouquet of flowers something she's won a tribute the wives are here to Bear witness to the naming it's the wives who do the naming around here Angela says the Commander's wife Angela Angela the wives repeat twittering what a sweet name oh she's perfect oh she's wonderful We Stand between Janine and the bed so she won't have to see this someone gives her a drink of grape juice I hope there's wine in it she's still having the pains for the afterbirth she's crying helplessly burnt out miserable tears nevertheless we are jubilant it's a victory for all of us we've done it shall be allowed to nurse the baby for a few months they believe in mother's milk after that she'll be transferred to see if she can do it again with someone else who needs a turn but she'll never be sent to the colonies she'll never be declared on woman that is a reward the birth mobile is waiting outside to deliver us back to our own households the doctors are still in their van their faces appear at the window white blobs like the faces of sick children confined to the house one of them opens the door and comes towards us was it all right he asks anxious yes I say by now I'm rung out exhausted my breasts are painful they're leaking a little fake milk it happens this way with some of us we sit on our benches facing one another as we are transported we're without emotion now almost without feeling we might be bundles of red cloth we ache each of us holds in her lap a phantom a ghost baby what confronts us now the excitement's over is our own failure mother I think wherever you may be can you hear me you wanted a women's culture well now there is one it isn't what you meant but it exists be thankful for small Mercies chapter 22. by the time the birth mobile arrives in front of the house it's late afternoon the sun is coming weekly through the clouds the smell of wet grass warming up is in the air I've been at the birth all day you lose track of time Cora will have done the shopping today I'm excused from all duties I go up the stairs lifting my feet heavily from one step to the next holding on to the banister I feel as if I've been awake for days and running hard my chest hurts my muscles cramp as if they're out of sugar for once I welcome solitude I lie on the bed I would like to rest go to sleep but I'm too tired at the same time too excited my eyes won't close I look up at the ceiling tracing the foliage of the wreath today it makes me think of a hat the large brimmed hats women used to wear at Sun period during the old days hats like enormous Halos festooned with fruit and flowers and the feathers of exotic birds hats like an idea of paradise floating just above the head a thought solidified in a minute their wreath will start to color and I will begin seeing things that's how tired I am as when you've driven all night into the dawn for some reason I won't think about that now keeping each other awake with stories and taking turns at the wheel and as the sun would begin to come up you'd see things at the sides of your eyes purple animals in the bushes beside the road the vague outlines of men which would disappear when you looked at them straight I'm too tired to go on with this story I'm too tired to think about where I am here is a different story a better one this is the story of what happened to Moira part of it I can fill in myself part of it I heard from Alma who heard it from Dolores who heard it from Janine Janine heard it from Aunt Lydia there can be alliances even in such places even under such circumstances this is something you can depend upon there will always be alliances of one kind or another Aunt Lydia called Janine into her office blessed be the fruit Janine and Lydia would have said without looking up from her desk where she was writing something for every rule there is always an exception this too can be dependent upon the ants are allowed to read and write may the Lord open Janine would have replied tonelessly in her transparent voice her voice of raw egg white I feel I can rely on you Janine that Lydia would have said raising her eyes from the page at last and fixing Janine with that look of hers through the spectacles a look that managed to be both menacing and beseeching all at once help me that look said we are all in this together you are a reliable girl she went on not like some of the others she thought all Janine's sniveling and repentance meant something she thought Janine had been broken she thought Janine was a True Believer but by that time Janine was like a puppy that's been kicked too often by too many people at random she'd roll over for anyone she'd tell anything just for a moment of approbation so Janine would have said I hope so at Lydia I hope I have become worthy of your trust or some such thing Janine said Aunt Lydia something terrible has happened Janine looked down at the floor whatever it was she knew she would not be blamed for it she was blameless but what you said that been to her in the past to be blameless so at the same time she felt guilty and as if she was about to be punished do you know about it Janine said Aunt Lydia Softly no at Lydia said Janine she knew that at this moment it was necessary to look up to look at Lydia straighten the eyes after a moment she managed it because if you do I will be very disappointed in you said Aunt Lydia as the Lord is my witness said Janine with a show of fervor and Lydia allowed herself one of her pauses she fiddled with her pen Moira is no longer with us she said at last oh said Janine she was neutral about this Moira wasn't a friend of hers is she dead she asked after a moment then Aunt Lydia told her the story Moira had raised her hand to go to the washroom during exercises she had gone and Elizabeth was on washroom Duty and Elizabeth stayed outside the washroom door as usual Moira went in after a moment Moira called to Aunt Elizabeth the toilet was overflowing could Aunt Elizabeth come and fix it it was true that the toilet sometimes overflowed unknown persons stuffed wads of toilet paper down them to make them do this very thing the ants had been working on some foolproof way of preventing this but funds were short and right now they had to make do with what was at hand and they hadn't figured out a way of locking up the toilet paper possibly they should keep it outside the door on a table and hand each person a sheet or several sheets as she went in but that was for the future it takes a while to get the wrinkles out of anything new and Elizabeth suspecting no harm went into the washroom and Lydia had to admit it was a little foolish of her on the other hand she'd gone in to fix a toilet on several previous occasions without mishap Moira was not lying water was running over the floor and several pieces of disintegrating fecal matter it was not pleasant and Aunt Elizabeth was annoyed Moira stood politely aside and Aunt Elizabeth hurried into the cubicle Moira had indicated and bent over the back of the toilet she intended to lift off the porcelain lid and Fiddle with the arrangement of bulb and plug inside she had both hands on the lid when she felt something hard and sharp and possibly metallic jab into her ribs from behind don't move said Moira or I'll stick it all the way in I know where I'll puncture your lung they found out afterwards that she dismantled the inside of one of the toilets and taken out the long thin pointed lever the part that attaches to the handle at one end and the chain at the other it isn't too hard to do if you know how and Moira had mechanical ability she used to fix her own car the minor things soon after this the toilets were fitted with chains to hold the tops on and when they overflowed it took a long time to get them open we had several floods that way Aunt Elizabeth couldn't see what was poking into her back and Lydia said she was a brave woman oh yes said Janine but not foolhardy said Aunt Lydia frowning a little Janine had been over enthusiastic which sometimes has the force of a denial she did as Moira said and Lydia continued Moira got hold of her cattle prod and her whistle ordering Aunt Elizabeth to unclip them from her belt then she hurried and Elizabeth down the stairs to the basement they were on the second floor not the third so there were only two flights of stairs to be negotiated classes were in session so there was nobody in the Halls they did see another ant but she was at the far end of the corridor and not looking their way Aunt Elizabeth could have screamed at this point but she knew Moira meant what she said Moira had a bad reputation oh yes said Janine Moira took Aunt Elizabeth along the corridor of empty lockers passed the door to the gymnasium and into the furnace room she told Aunt Elizabeth to take off all her clothes oh said Janine weekly as if to protest to this sacrilege and Moira took off her own clothes and put on those of Aunt Elizabeth which did not fit her exactly but well enough she was not overly cruel to Aunt Elizabeth she allowed her to put on her own red dress the veil she tore into strips and tied Aunt Elizabeth up with them in behind the furnace she stuffed some of the cloth into her mouth and tied it in place with another strip she tied a strip around Aunt Elizabeth's neck and tied the other end to her feet behind she is a cunning and dangerous woman said Aunt Lydia Janine said may I sit down as if it had all been too much for her she had something to trade at last for a token at least yes Janine said Aunt Lydia surprised but knowing she could not refuse at this point she was asking for Janine's attention her cooperation she indicated the chair in the corner Janine Drew it forward I could kill you you know said Moira when Aunt Elizabeth was safely stowed out of sight behind the furnace I could injure you badly so you would never feel good in your body again I could zap you with this or stick this thing into your eye just remember I didn't if it ever comes to that Aunt Lydia didn't repeat any of this part to Janine but I expect Moira said something like it in any case she didn't kill or mutilate in Elizabeth who a few days later after she'd recovered from her seven hours behind the furnace and presumably from the interrogation for the possibility of collusion would not have been ruled out by the answer by anyone else was back in operation at the center Moira stood up straight and looked firmly ahead she Drew her shoulders back pulled up her spine and compressed her lips this was not our usual posture usually we walked with heads bent down our eyes on our hands or the ground Moira didn't look much like Aunt Elizabeth even with the brown wimple in place but her stiff-backed posture was apparently enough to convince the angels on guard who never looked at any of us very closely even in perhaps especially the ants because Moira marched straight out the front door with the bearing of a person who knew where she was going was saluted presented at Elizabeth's pass which they didn't bother to check because who would affront an aunt in that way and disappeared oh said Janine who can tell what she felt maybe she wanted to cheer if so she kept it well hidden so Janine said Aunt Lydia here is what I want you to do Janine opened her eyes wide and tried to look innocent and attentive I want you to keep your ears open maybe one of the others was involved yes Aunt Lydia said Janine and come and tell me about it won't you dear if you hear anything yes Aunt Lydia said Janine she knew she would not have to kneel down anymore at the front of the classroom and listen to all of us shouting at her that it was her fault now it would be someone else for a while she was temporarily off the hook the fact that she told Dolores all about this encounter in Aunt Lydia's office meant nothing it didn't mean she wouldn't testify against us any of us if she had the occasion we knew that by this time we were treating her the way people used to treat those with no legs Who Sold pencils on street corners we avoided her when we could we're charitable to her when it couldn't be helped she was a danger to us we knew that Dolores probably patted her on the back and said she was a good sport to tell us where did this exchange take place in the gymnasium when we were getting ready for bed Dolores had the bed next to Janine's the story passed Among Us that night in the semi-darkness under our breath from bed to bed Moira was out there somewhere she was at Large or dead what would she do thought of what she would do expanded till it filled the room at any moment there might be a shattering explosion the glass of the windows would fall inwards the doors would swing open Moira had power now she'd been set loose she'd set herself loose she was now a loose woman I think we found this frightening Moira was like an elevator with open sides she made us dizzy already we were losing the taste for freedom already we were finding these walls secure in the upper reaches of the atmosphere you'd come apart you'd vaporize there would be no pressure holding you together nevertheless Moira was our fantasy we hugged her to us she was with us in secret a giggle she was lava beneath the crust of daily life in the light of Moira the ants were less fearsome and more absurd their power had a flaw to it they could be shanghaied in toilets the audacity was what we liked we expected her to be dragged in at any minute as she had been before we could not imagine what they might do to her this time it would be very bad whatever it was but nothing happened Moira didn't reappear she hasn't yet chapter 23. this is a reconstruction all of it is a reconstruction it's a reconstruction now in my head as I lie flat on my single bed rehearsing what I should or shouldn't have said what I should or shouldn't have done how I should have played it if I ever get out of here let's stop there I intend to get out of here it can't last forever others have thought such things in bad times before this and they were always right they did get out one way or another and it didn't last forever although for them it may have lasted all the forever they had when I get out of here if I'm ever able to set this down in any form even in the form of one voice to another it will be a reconstruction then too at yet another remove it's impossible to say a thing exactly the way it was because what you say can never be exact you always have to leave something out there are too many parts sides cross currents nuances too many gestures which could mean this or that too many shapes which can never be fully described too many flavors in the air or on the tongue half colors too many but if you happen to be a man sometime in the future and you've made it this far please remember you will never be subjected to the temptation of feeling you must forgive a man as a woman it's difficult to resist believe me but remember that forgiveness too is a power to beg for it is a power and to withhold or bestow it is a power perhaps the greatest maybe none of this is about control maybe it isn't really about who can own whom who can do what to whom and get away with it even as far as death maybe it isn't about who can sit and who has to kneel or stand or lie down legs spread open maybe it's about who can do what to whom and be forgiven for it never tell me it amounts to the same thing I want you to kiss me said the commander well of course something came before that such requests never come flying out of the blue I went to sleep after all and dreamed I was wearing earrings and one of them was broken nothing beyond that just the brain going through its backfiles and I was awakened by Cora with the dinner tray and time was back on track it a good baby says Cora as she's setting down the tray she must know already they have a kind of word of mouth Telegraph from household to household news gets around but it gives her pleasure to hear about it as if my words will make it more real it's fine I say a keeper a girl Cora Smiles at me a smile it includes these are the moments that must make what she is doing seem worthwhile to her that's good she says her voice is almost wistful and I think of course she would have liked to have been there it's like a party she couldn't go to maybe we have one soon she says shyly by we she means me it's up to me to repay the team justify my food and keep like a queen ant with eggs Rita May disapprove of me but Cora does not instead she depends on me she hopes and I am the vehicle for her hope her hope is of the simplest kind she wants a birthday here with guests and food and presents she wants a little child to spoil in the kitchen to iron clothes for to slip cookies into when no one's watching I am to provide these joys for her I would rather have the disapproval I feel more worthy of it the dinner is beef stew I have some trouble finishing it because halfway through it I remember what the day has erased right out of my head it's true what they say it's a trance State giving birth or being there you lose track of the rest of your life you focus only on that one instant but now it comes back to me and I know I'm not prepared the clock in the hall downstairs strikes nine I press my hands against the sides of my thighs breathe in set out along the hall and softly down the stairs Serena Joy may still be at the house where the birth took place that's lucky he couldn't have foreseen it on these days the wives hang around for hours helping to open the presents gossiping getting drunk something has to be done to dispel their Envy I follow the downstairs Corridor back past the door that leads into the kitchen along to the next door I stand outside it feeling like a child who's been summoned school to the principal's office what have I done wrong my presence here is illegal it's forbidden for us to be alone with the Commanders we are for breeding purposes we aren't concubines geisha girls courtesans on the contrary everything possible has been done to remove us from that category there is supposed to be nothing entertaining about us no room is to be permitted for the flowering of secret lusts no special favors are to be wheedled by them or us there to be no toe holds for love we are two-legged wounds that's all sacred vessels ambulatory chalices so why does he want to see me at night alone if I'm caught it's to Serena's Tender Mercies I'll be delivered he isn't supposed to meddle in such household discipline that's women's business after that reclassification I could become a non-woman but to refuse to see him could be worse there's no doubt about who holds the real power but there must be something he wants from me to want is to have a weakness it's this weakness whatever it is that entices me it's like a small crack in a wall before now impenetrable if I press my eye to it this weakness of his I may be able to see my way clear I want to know what he wants I raise my hand knock on the door of this forbidden room where I have never been where women do not go not even Serena Joy comes here and the cleaning is done by Guardians What secrets what male totems are kept in here I'm told to enter I open the door step in what is on the other side is normal life I should say what is on the other side looks like normal life there is a desk of course with a comp you talk on it and a black leather chair behind it there's a potted plant on the desk a pen holder set papers there's an oriental rug on the floor at a fireplace without a fire in it there's a small sofa covered in brown plush television set an end table a couple of chairs but all around the walls there are bookcases they're filled with books books and books and books right out in plain view no locks no boxes no wonder we can't come in here it's an oasis of the forbidden I try not to stare the commander is standing in front of the fireless fireplace back to it one elbow on the carved wooden over mantle other hand in his pocket it's such a studied pose something of the Country Squire some old come on from a glossy men's mag he probably decided ahead of time that he'd be standing like that when I came in when I knocked he probably rushed over to the fireplace and propped himself up you should have a black patch over one eye a cravat with horseshoes on it it's all very well for me to think these things quickest staccato a jittering of the brain an inner jeering but it's panic the fact is I'm terrified I don't say anything close the door behind you he says pleasantly enough I do it and turn back hello he says it's the old form of greeting I haven't heard it for a long time for years under the circumstances it seems out of place comical even a flip backward in time a stunt I can think of nothing appropriate to say in return I think I will cry he must have noticed this because he looks at me puzzled gives little frown I choose to interpret his concern though it may merely be irritation here he says you can sit down he pulls a chair out for me sets it in front of his desk then he goes around behind the desk and sits down slowly and it seems to me elaborately what this act tells me is that he hasn't brought me here to touch me in any way against my will he smiles the smile is not Sinister or predatory it's merely a smile a formal kind of smile friendly but a little distant as if I'm a kitten in a window one he's looking at but doesn't intend to buy I sit up straight on the chair my hands folded on my lap I feel as if my feet in their flat red shoes aren't quite touching the floor but of course they are you must find this strange he says I simply look at him the understatement of the year was a phrase my mother uses used I feel like cotton candy sugar and Air squeeze me and I turn into a small sickly damp wad of weeping pinky red I guess it is a little strange he says as if I've answered I think I should have a hat on tied with a bow under my chin I want he says try not to lean forward yes yes what then what does he want but I won't give it away this eagerness of mine it's a bargaining session things are about to be exchanged she who does not hesitate is lost I'm not giving anything away selling only I would like he says sounds silly and he does look embarrassed sheepish was the word the way men used to look once he's old enough to remember how to look that way and to remember also how appealing women once founded the young ones don't know those tricks they've never had to use them I'd like you to play a game of Scrabble With Me he says I hold myself absolutely rigid keep my face unmoving so that's what's in the Forbidden room Scrabble I want to laugh shriek with laughter fall off my chair this was once the game of old women old men in the Summers or in retirement Villas to be played when there was nothing good on television or of adolescence once long long ago my mother had a set kept at the back of the hall cupboard with the Christmas tree decorations and their cardboard boxes once she tried to interest me in it when I was 13 and miserable and it Loose Ends now of course it's something different now it's forbidden for us now it's dangerous now it's indecent now it's something he can't do with his wife now it's desirable now he's compromised himself it's as if he's offered me drugs you say indifferent I can in fact hardly speak he doesn't say why he wants to play Scrabble With Me I don't ask him he merely takes a box out from one of the drawers in his desk and opens it up there are the plasticized wooden counters I remember the board divided into squares the little holders for setting the letters in he dumps the counters out on the top of his desk and begins to turn them over after a moment I join in you know how to play he says I nod we play two games larynx I spell Valance quince zygote I hold the glossy counters with their smooth edges finger the letters the feeling is voluptuous this is freedom and I blink of it limp I spell Gorge what a luxury the counters are like candies made of peppermint cool like that humbugs those were called I would like to put them into my mouth they would taste also of lime the letter c crisp slightly acid on the tongue delicious I win the first game I let him win the second I still haven't discovered what the terms are what I will be able to ask for in exchange finally he tells me it's time for me to go home those are the words he uses go home he means to my room he asks me if I will be all right as if the stairway is a dark Street I say yes we open his study door just a crack and listen for noises in the hall this is like being on a date this is like sneaking into the dorm after hours this is conspiracy thank you he says for the game then he says I want you to kiss me I think about how I could take the back of the toilet apart the toilet in my own bathroom on a bath night quickly and quietly Sakura outside on the chair would not hear me I could get the sharp lever out and hide it in my sleeve and smuggle it into the Commander's study the next time because after a request like that there's always a next time whether you say yes or no think about how I could approach the commander to kiss him here alone and take off his jacket as if to allow or invite something further some approach to true love and put my arms around him and slip the lever out from the sleeve and drive the sharp end into him suddenly between his ribs I think about the blood coming out of him hot as soup sexual over my hands in fact I don't think about anything of the kind I put it in only afterwards maybe I should have thought about that at the time but I didn't as I said this is a reconstruction all right I say I go to him and place my lips closed against his I smell the shaving lotion the usual kind the hint of mothballs familiar enough to me but it's like someone I've only just met he draws away looks down at me there's the smile again the Sheepish one such candor not like that he says as if you meant it was so sad that is a reconstruction too nine night chapter 24. I go back along the dimmed Hall and up the muffled stairs stealthily to my room there I sit in the chair with the lights off in my red dress hooked and buttoned you can think clearly only with your clothes on what I need is perspective the illusion of depth created by a frame the arrangement of shapes on a flat surface perspective is necessary otherwise there are only two dimensions otherwise you live with your face squashed against a wall everything a huge foreground of details close-ups hairs The Weave of the bed sheet the molecules of the face your own skin like a map a diagram of futility crisscrossed with tiny roads that lead nowhere otherwise you live in the moment which is not where I want to be but that's where I am there's no escaping it time's a trap I'm caught in it I must forget about my secret name and always back my name is offered now and here is where I live live in the present make the most of it it's all you've got time to take stock I am 33 years old I have brown hair I stand five seven without shoes I have trouble remembering what I used to look like I have viable ovaries I have one more chance something has changed now tonight circumstances have altered I can ask for something possibly not much but something men are sex machines said Aunt Lydia and not much more they only want one thing you must learn to manipulate them for your own good lead them around by the nose that is a metaphor it's Nature's Way it's God's device it's the way things are Aunt Lydia did not actually say this but it was implicit in everything she did say it hovered over her head like the golden mottos over the Saints of the darker ages like them too she was angular and without flesh how to fit the commander into this as he exists in his study with his word games and his desire for what to be played with to be gently kissed as if I meant it I know I need to take it seriously this desire of his it could be important it could be a passport it could be my downfall I need to be Earnest about it I need to ponder it but no matter what I do sitting here in the dark with the searchlights illuminating The Oblong of my window from outside through the curtains Gauzy as a bridal dress as ectoplasm one of my hands holding the other rocking back and forth a little no matter what I do there's something hilarious about it he wanted me to play Scrabble with him and kiss him as if I meant it this is one of the most bizarre things that's happened to me ever context is all I remember a television program I saw once a rerun made years before I must have been seven or eight too young to understand it it was the sort of thing my mother liked to watch historical educational she tried to explain it to me afterwards to tell me that the things in it had really happened but to me it was only a story I thought someone had made it up I suppose all children think that about any history Before Their Own if it's only a story it becomes less frightening the program was a documentary about one of those Wars they interviewed people and showed clips from films of the time black and white and still photos I don't remember much about it but I remember the quality of the pictures the way everything in them seemed to be coated with a mixture of sunlight and dust and how dark the Shadows were under people's eyebrows and along their cheekbones the interviews with people still alive then were in color the one I remember best was with a woman who had been the Mistress of a man who had supervised one of the camps where they put the Jews before they killed them in ovens my mother said but there weren't any pictures of the oven so I got some confused notion that these deaths had taken place in kitchens there is something especially terrifying to a child in that idea ovens mean cooking and cooking comes before eating I thought these people had been eaten which in a way I suppose they had been from what they said the man had been cruel and brutal the mistress my mother explained mistress she did not believe in mystification I had a pop-up book of sexual organs by the time I was four the mistress had once been very beautiful there was a black and white shot of her and another woman in the two-piece bathing suits and platform shoes and picture hats of the time they were wearing cat-sized sunglasses and sitting in deck chairs by a swimming pool the swimming pool was beside their house which was near the camp with the ovens the woman said she didn't notice much that she found unusual she denied knowing about the ovens at the time of the interview 40 or 50 years later she was dying of emphysema she coughed a lot and she was very thin almost emaciated but she still took pride in her appearance look at that said my mother half grudgingly half admiringly she still takes pride in her appearance she was carefully made up heavy mascara on her eyelashes Rouge on the bones of her cheeks over which the skin was stretched like a rubber glove pulled tight she was wearing pearls he was not a monster she said people say he was a monster but he was not one she had been thinking about not much I guess not back then not at the time she was thinking about how not to think times were abnormal she took pride in her appearance she did not believe he was a monster he was not a monster to her probably he had some endearing trait he whistled off key in the shower he had a Yen for truffles he called his dog liebshen and made it sit up for little pieces of raw steak how easy it is to invent a Humanity for anyone at all what an available temptation a big child she would have said to herself her heart would have melted she'd have smoothed the hair back from his forehead kissed him on the ear and not just to get something out of him either the instinct to soothe to make it better there there she'd say as he woke from a nightmare things are so hard for you all this she would have believed because otherwise how could she have kept on living she was very ordinary under that beauty she believed in decency she was nice to the Jewish maid or nice enough nicer than she needed to be several days after this interview with her was filmed she killed herself it said that right on television nobody asked her whether or not she had loved him what I remember now most of all is the makeup I stand up in the dark start to unbutton then I hear something inside my body I've broken something has cracked that must be it noise is coming up coming out of the broken place in my face without warning I wasn't thinking about here or there or anything if I let the noise get out into the air it will be laughter too loud too much of it someone is bound to hear and then there will be hurrying footsteps and commands and who knows judgment emotion inappropriate to the occasion the wandering womb they used to think Hysteria and then a needle a pill it could be fatal I crammed both hands over my mouth as if I'm about to be sick drop to my knees the laughter boiling like lava in my throat I crawl into the cupboard draw up my knees I'll choke on it my ribs hurt with holding back I shake a heave seismic volcanic I'll burst red all over the cupboard mirth rhymes with birth oh to die of laughter I stifle it in the folds of the hanging cloak clench my eyes from which tears are squeezing try to compose myself after a while it passes like an epileptic fit here I am in the closet no Lee day bestardis Carver and Dora I can't see it in the dark but I trace the tiny scratched riding with the ends of my fingers as if it's a code in Braille it sounds in my head now less Like a Prayer more like a command but to do what useless to me in any case an ancient hieroglyph to which the key's been lost why did she write it why did she bother there's no way out of here I lie on the floor breathing too fast then slower evening out my breathing as in the exercises for giving birth all I can hear now is the sound of my own heart opening and closing opening and closing opening 10. Soul Scrolls chapter 25. what I heard first the next morning was a scream and a crash Cora dropping the breakfast tray it woke me up I was still half in the cupboard head on the bundled cloak I must have pulled it off the hangar and gone to sleep there for a moment I couldn't remember where I was Cora was kneeling beside me I felt her hand touched my back she screamed again when I moved what's wrong I said I rolled over pushed myself up oh she said I thought she thought what like she said the eggs had broken on the floor there was orange juice and shattered glass I'll have to bring another one she said such a waste what was you doing on the floor like that she was pulling at me to get me up respectively onto my feet I didn't want to tell her I'd never been to bed at all there would be no way of explaining that I told her I must have fainted that was almost as bad because she seized on it it's one of the early signs she said pleased that and throwing up she should have known there hadn't been time enough but she was very hopeful no it's not that I said I was sitting in the chair I'm sure it isn't that I was just dizzy I was just standing here and things went dark it must have been the strain she said of yesterday and all takes it out of you she meant the birth and I said it did by this time I was sitting in the chair and she was kneeling on the floor picking up the pieces of broken glass and egg Gathering them onto the tray she blotted some of the orange juice with the paper napkin I'll have to bring a cloth she said they'll want to know why the extra eggs unless you could do without she looked up at me sideways slyly and I saw that it would be better if we could both pretend I'd eaten my breakfast after all if she said she'd found me lying on the floor there would be too many questions she'd have to account for the broken glass in any case but Rita would get Surly if she had to cook a second breakfast I'll do without I said I'm not that hungry this was good it fit in with the dizziness but I could manage the toast I said I didn't want to go without breakfast altogether it's been on the floor She said I don't mind I said I sat there eating the piece of brown toast while she went into the bathroom and flushed the handful of egg which could not be salvaged down the toilet then she came back I'll say I dropped the tray on the way out she said pleased me that she was willing to lie for me even in such a small thing even for her own advantage it was a link between us I smiled at her I hope nobody heard you I said it did give me a turn she said as she stood in the doorway with the tray first I thought it was just your clothes like then I said to myself what are they doing there on the floor I thought maybe you'd run off I said well but she said but it was you yes I said it was and it was and she went out with the tray and came back with a cloth for the rest of the orange juice and Rita that afternoon made a grumpy remark about some folks being all thumbs too much on their minds don't look where they're going she said and we continued on from there as if nothing had happened that was in May spring has now been undergone the Tulips have had their moment and are done shedding their petals one by one like teeth one day I Came Upon Serena Joy kneeling on a cushion in the garden her cane beside her on the grass she was sniffing off the seed pods with a pair of shears I watched her sideways as I went past with my basket of oranges and lamb chops she was aiming positioning the blades of the shears then cutting with a convulsive jerk of the hands was it the arthritis creeping up or some Blitzkrieg some Kamikaze committed on the swelling genitalia of the flowers the fruiting body to cut off the seed pods is supposed to make the Bulb store energy Saint Serena on her knees doing penance I often amused myself this way with small mean-minded bitter jokes about her not for long it doesn't do to linger watching Serena Joy from behind what I coveted was the shears well then we had the irises Rising beautiful and cool on their tall stalks like blown glass like pastel water momentarily Frozen in a splash light blue light mauve and the darker ones velvet and purple black cat's ears in the Sun Indigo shadow and the bleeding hearts so female in shape it was a surprise they had not long since been rooted out there is something subversive about this Garden of Serena's a sense of buried things bursting upwards wordlessly into the light as if to point to say whatever is silenced to a clamor to be heard though silently a Tennyson Garden heavy with scent language the return of the word swoon light pours down upon it from the Sun true but also heat rises from the flowers themselves you can feel it like holding your hand an inch above an arm a shoulder it breathes in the warmth breathing itself in to walk through it in these days of peonies of Pinks and carnations makes my head swim the willow is in full plumage it is no help with its insinuating Whispers Rendezvous it says Terraces the sibilance run up my spine a shiver as if in fever the summer dress rustles against the Flesh of My thighs the Grass Grows underfoot at the edges of my eyes there are movements in the branches feathers flittings Grace notes tree into bird metamorphosis run wild goddesses are possible now and the air suffuses with desire even the bricks of the house are softening becoming tactile if I leaned against them they'd be warm and yielding it's amazing what denial can do the sight of my ankle make him lightheaded faint at the checkpoint yesterday when I dropped my pass and let him pick it up for me no handkerchief no fan I use what's handy winter is not so dangerous I need hardness cold rigidity not this heaviness as if I'm a melon on a stem this liquid ripeness the commander and I have an arrangement it's not the first such arrangement in history though the shape it's taken is not the usual one I visit the commander two or three nights a week always after dinner but only when I get the signal the signal is Nick if he's polishing the car when I set out for the shopping or when I come back and if his hat is on a skew or not on at all then I go he isn't there or if he has his hat on straight then I stay in my room in the ordinary way on ceremony nights of course none of this applies the difficulty is the wife as always after dinner she goes to their bedroom from where she could conceivably hear me as I sneak along the hall although I take care to be very quiet or she stays in the sitting room knitting away at her endless Angel scarves turning out more and more yards of intricate and useless wool people her form of procreation it must be the sitting room door is usually left ajar when she's in there and I don't dare to go past it when I've had the signal but can't make it down the stairs or along the hall past the sitting room the commander understands he knows my situation none better he knows all the rules sometimes however Serena Joy is out visiting another Commander's wife a sick one that's the only place she could conceivably go by herself in the evenings she takes food a cake or pie or loaf of bread baked by Rita or a jar of jelly made from the mint leaves that grow in her garden they get sick a lot these wives of the Commanders it adds interest to their lives as for us the handmaids and even the marthas we avoid illness the marthas don't want to be forced to retire because who knows where they go you don't see that many old women around anymore and as for us any real illness anything lingering weakening a loss of Flesh or appetite a fall of hair a failure of the glands would be terminal I remember Cora earlier in the spring staggering around even though she had the flu holding onto the door frames when she thought no one was looking being careful not to cough a slight cold she said when Serena asked her Serena herself sometimes takes a few days off tucked up in bed then she's the one to get the company the wives wrestling up the stairs clucking and cheerful she gets the cakes and pies the jelly the bouquets of flowers from their Gardens they take turns there's some sort of list invisible unspoken each is careful not to hog more than her share of the attention on the nights when Serena is due to be out I'm sure to be summoned the first time I was confused his needs were obscured to me and what I could perceive of them seemed to me ridiculous laughable like a fetish for lace-up shoes also there had been a letdown of sorts what had I been expecting behind that closed door the first time something unspeakable down on all fours perhaps perversions whips mutilations at the very least a minor sexual manipulation some bygone peccadillo now denied him prohibited by law and punishable by amputation to be asked to play Scrabble instead as if we were an old married couple or two children seemed kinky in the extreme a violation too in its own way as a request it was opaque so when I left the room it still wasn't clear to me what he wanted or why or whether I could fulfill any of it for him if there's to be a bargain the terms of exchange must be set forth this was something he certainly had not done thought he might be toying some cat and mouse routine but now I think that his motives and desires weren't obvious even to him they had not yet reached the level of words the second evening began in the same way as the first I went to the door which was closed knocked on it was told to come in Then followed the same two games with the smooth beige counters prolix quartz quandary self rhythm all the old tricks with consonants I could dream up or remember my tongue felt thick with the effort of spelling it was like using a language I'd once known but had nearly forgotten a language having to do with Customs that had long before passed out of the world at an outdoor table with a brioche absinthe in a tall glass or shrimp in a cornucopia of newspaper things I'd once read about but had never seen it was like trying to walk without crutches like those phony scenes and old TV movies you can do it I know you can that was the way my mind lurched and stumbled among the sharp R's and T's sliding over the avoid vowels as if on Pebbles the commander was patient when I hesitated or asked him for a correct spelling we can always look it up in the dictionary he said he said we the first time I realized he'd let me win that night I was expecting everything to be the same including the good night kiss but when we'd finished the second game he sat back in his chair he placed his elbows on the arms of the chair the tips of his fingers together and looked at me I have a little present for you he said he smiled a little then he pulled open the top drawer of his desk and took something out he held it a moment casually enough between thumb and finger as if deciding whether or not to give it to me although it was upside down from where I was sitting I recognized it they were once common enough it was a magazine a women's magazine it looked like from the picture a model on glossy paper hair blown neck scarfed mouth lipsticked the fall fashions I thought such magazines had all been destroyed but here was one left over in a Commander's private study where you'd least expect to find such a thing he looked down at the model who was right side up to him he was still smiling that wistful smile of his it was a look you'd give to an almost extinct animal at the zoo staring at the magazine as he dangled it before me like fish bait I wanted it I wanted it with a force that made the ends of my fingers ache at the same time I saw this longing of mine as trivial and absurd because I'd taken such magazines lightly enough once I'd read them in dentist's office and sometimes on planes I'd bought them to take to hotel rooms a device to fill in empty time while I was waiting for Luke after I'd leave through them I would throw them away for they were infinitely discardable and a day or two later I wouldn't be able to remember what had been in them though I remember now what was in them was promise they dealt in transformations they suggested an endless series of possibilities extending like the Reflections in two mirrors set facing one another stretching on replica after replica to the vanishing point they suggested one Adventure after another one wardrobe after another one Improvement after another one man after another they suggested rejuvenation pain overcome and transcended Endless Love the real promise in them was immortality this was what he was holding without knowing it he rifled the pages I felt myself leaning forward it's an old one he said curio of sorts from the 70s I think a Vogue this like a wine connoisseur dropping a name I thought you might like to look at it I hung back he might be testing me to see how deep my indoctrination had really gone it's not permitted I said in here it is he said quietly I saw the point having broken the main taboo why should I hesitate over another one something minor or another or another who could tell where it might stop behind this particular door taboo dissolved I took the magazine from him and turned it the right way around there they were again the images of my childhood bold striding confident their arms flung out as if to claim space their legs apart feet planted squarely on the Earth there was something Renaissance about the pose but it was Princess I thought of not quaffed and ringletted maidens those candid eyes shadowed with makeup yes but like the eyes of cats fixed for the pounce no quailing no clinging there not in those capes and rough Tweeds those boots that came to the knee Pirates these women with their ladylike briefcases for the loot and their horsey acquisitive teeth I felt the commander watching me as I turned the pages I knew I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing and that he found pleasure in seeing me do it I should have felt Evil by Aunt Lydia's lights I was evil but I didn't feel evil instead I felt like an old Edwardian Seaside postcard naughty what was he going to give me next a girdle why do you have this I asked him some of us he said retain an appreciation for the old things but these were supposed to have been burned I said there were house to house searches bonfires it's dangerous in the hands of the multitudes he said with what may or may not have been irony safe enough for those whose motives are Beyond reproach I said he nodded Gravely impossible to tell whether or not he meant it but why show it to me I said and then felt stupid what could he possibly say that he was amusing himself at my expense for he must have known how painful it was to me to be reminded of the former time I wasn't prepared for what he actually did say who else could I show it to he said and there it was again sadness should I go further I thought I didn't want to push him too far too fast I knew I was dispensable nevertheless I said too Softly how about your wife you seemed to think about that no he said she wouldn't understand anyway she won't talk to me much anymore we don't seem to have much in common these days so there it was out in the open his wife didn't understand him that's what I was there for then same old thing it was too but now to be true on the third night I asked him for some hand lotion I didn't want to sound begging but I wanted what I could get somewhat he said courteous as ever he was across the desk for me he didn't touch me much except for that one obligatory kiss no pawing no heavy breathing none of that it would have been out of place somehow for him as well as for me hand lotion I said or face lotion our skin gets very dry for some reason I said hour instead of my I would have liked to ask also for some bath oil in those little colored globules you used to be able to get that were so much like magic to me when they existed in the round glass bowl in my mother's bathroom at home but I thought he wouldn't know what they were anyway they probably weren't made anymore dry the commander said as if he'd never thought about that before what do you do about it we use butter I said when we can get it or margarine a lot of the time it's margarine butter he said musing it's very clever butter he laughed slapped him I think I could get some of that he said as if indulging a child's wish for bubble gum but she might smell it on you I wondered if this fear of his came from past experience long past lipstick on the collar perfume on the Cuffs a scene late at night and some kitchen or bedroom a man devoid of such experience wouldn't think of that unless he's craftier than he looks be careful I said besides she's never that close to me sometimes she is he said I look down I've forgotten about that I could feel myself blushing I won't use it on those nights I said on the fourth evening he gave me the hand lotion in an unlabeled plastic bottle it wasn't very good quality it smelled faintly of vegetable oil no lily of the valley for me it may have been something they made up for use in hospitals on bed sores but I thanked him anyway the trouble is I said I don't have anywhere to keep it in your room he said as if it were obvious they'd find it I said someone would find it why he asked as if he really didn't know maybe he didn't it wasn't the first time he gave evidence of being truly ignorant of the real conditions under which we lived they look I said they look in all our rooms what for he said I think I lost control then a little razor blades I said books writing Black Market stuff all the things we aren't supposed to have Jesus Christ you ought to know my voice was angrier than I'd intended but he didn't even wince then you'll have to keep it here he said so that's what I did he watched me smoothing it over my hands and then my face with that same air of looking in through the bars I wanted to turn my back on him it was as if he were in the bathroom with me but I didn't dare for him I must remember I am only a whim chapter 26. when the night for the ceremony came round again two or three weeks later I found that things were changed there was an awkwardness now that there hadn't been before before I treated it as a job an unpleasant job to be gone through as fast as possible so it could be over with steal yourself my mother used to say before examinations I didn't want to take or swims in cold water I never thought much at the time about what the phrase meant but it had something to do with metal with armor and that's what I would do I would steal myself I would pretend not to be present not in the flesh this state of absence of existing apart from the body had been true of the commander too I knew now probably he thought about other things the whole time he was with me with us for of course Serena Joy was there on those evenings also he might have been thinking about what he did during the day or about playing golf or about what he did for dinner sexual act although he performed it in a perfunctory way must have been largely unconscious for him like scratching himself but that night the first since the beginning of whatever this new Arrangement was between us I had no name for it I felt shy of him I felt for one thing that he was actually looking at me and I didn't like it the lights were on as usual since Serena Joy always avoided anything that would have created an aura of romance or eroticism however slight overhead lights harsh despite the canopy it was like being on an operating table in the full glare like being on a stage I was conscious that my legs were hairy in the straggly way of legs that have once been shaved but have grown back I was conscious of my armpits too although of course he couldn't see them I felt uncouth this act of copulation fertilization perhaps which should have been no more to me than a b is to a flower had become for me in decorous an embarrassing breach of propriety which it hadn't been before he was no longer a thing to me that was the problem I realized it that night and the realization has stayed with me it complicates Serena Joy had changed for me too once I'd merely hated her for her part and what was being done to me and because she hated me too and resented my presence and because she would be the one to raise my child should I be able to have one after all but now although I still hated her no more so than when she was gripping my hands so hard that her rings bit my flesh pulling my hands back as well which she must have done on purpose to make me as uncomfortable as she could the hatred was no longer pure and simple partly I was jealous of her but how could I be jealous of a woman so obviously dried up and unhappy you could only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself nevertheless I was jealous but I also felt guilty about her I felt I was an intruder in a territory that ought to have been hers now that I was seeing the commander on the sly if only to play his games and listen to him talk our functions were no longer as separate as they should have been in theory I was taking something away from her although she didn't know it I was filching never mind that it was something she apparently didn't want or had no use for had rejected even still it was hers and if I took it away this mysterious it I couldn't quite Define for the commander wasn't in love with me I refused to believe he felt anything for me as Extreme as that what would be left for her why should I care I told myself she's nothing to me she dislikes me she'd have me out of the house in a minute or worse if she could think up any excuse at all if she were to find out for instance he wouldn't be able to intervene to save me the transgressions of women in the household whether Martha are handmade are supposed to be under the jurisdiction of the wives alone she was a malicious and vengeful woman I knew that nevertheless I couldn't shake it that small compunction towards her also I now had power over her of a kind although she didn't know it and I enjoyed that why pretend I enjoyed it a lot but the commander could give me away so easily by a look by a gesture some tiny slip that would reveal to anyone watching that there was something between us now he almost did it the night of the ceremony he reached his hand up as if to touch my face I moved my head to the side to warn him away hoping Serena Joy hadn't noticed and he withdrew his hand again withdrew into himself and his single-minded journey don't do that again I said to him the next time we were alone do what he said try to touch me like that when we're when she's there did I he said you could get me transferred I said to the colonies you know that or worse I thought he should continue to act in public as if I were a large Foss or a window part of the background inanimate or transparent I'm sorry he said I didn't mean to but I find it what I said when he didn't go on impersonal he said how long did it take you to find that out I said you can see from the way I was speaking to him that we were already on different terms for the generations that come after Aunt Lydia said it will be so much better the women will live in harmony together all in one family you will be like daughters to them and when the population level is up to scratch again we'll no longer have to transfer you from one house to another because there will be enough to go around there can be bonds of real affection she said blinking at us ingratiatingly under such conditions women United for a common end helping one another in their daily chores as they walk the path of life together each performing her appointed task why expect one woman to carry out all the functions necessary to the Serene running of a household it isn't reasonable or humane your daughters will have greater freedom we are working towards the goal of a little garden for each one each one of you the clasped hands again the breathy voice and that's just one for instance the raised finger wagging at us but we can't be greedy pigs and demand too much before it's ready now can we the fact is that I'm his mistress men at the top have always had Mistresses why should things be any different now the arrangements aren't quite the same granted the mistress used to be kept in a minor house or apartment of her own and now they've Amalgamated things but underneath it's the same more or less outside woman they used to be called in some countries I am the outside woman it's my job to provide what is otherwise lacking even the Scrabble it's an absurd as well as an ignominious position sometimes I think she knows sometimes I think they're in collusion sometimes I think she put them up to it and is laughing at me as I laugh from time to time and with irony at myself let her take the weight she can say to herself maybe she's withdrawn from him almost completely maybe that's her version of freedom but even so stupidly enough I'm happier than I was before it's something to do for one thing something to fill the time at night instead of sitting alone in my room it's something else to think about I don't love the commander or anything like it but he's of interest to me he occupies space he is more than a shadow an eye for him to him I'm no longer merely a usable body to him I'm not just a boat with no cargo a chalice with no wine in it an oven to be crude minus the bun to him I am not merely empty chapter 27. I walk with off Glenn along the Summer Street it's warm humid this would have been sundress and sandals weather once in each of our baskets are strawberries the strawberries are in season now so we'll eat them and eat them until we're sick of them and some wrapped fish we got the fish at Loaves and Fishes with its wooden sign a fish with a smile and eyelashes it doesn't sell loaves though most households bake their own though you can get dried up rolls and whiz and donuts at daily bread if you run short Loaves and Fishes is hardly ever open why bother opening when there's nothing to sell the sea Fisheries were defunct several years ago the few fish they have now are from fish farms and taste muddy the news says the coastal areas are being rested soul I remember and haddock swordfish scallops tuna lobsters stuffed and baked salmon pink and fat grilled in steaks could they all be extinct like the whales I've heard that rumor passed on to me in soundless words the lips hardly moving as we stood in line outside waiting for the store to open lured by the picture of succulent white fillets in the window they put the picture in the window when they have something take it away when they don't sign language of Glenn and I walk slowly today we are hot in our long dresses wet under the arms tired at least in this heat we don't wear gloves there used to be an ice cream store somewhere on this block I can't remember the name things can change so quickly buildings can be torn down or turned into something else it's hard to keep them straight in your mind the way they used to be you could get double scoops and if you wanted they would put chocolate sprinkles on the top these have the name of a man Johnny's Jackies I can't remember we would go there when she was little and I'd hold her up so she could see through the glass side of the counter where the Vats of ice cream were on display colored so delicately pale orange pale green pale pink and I'd read the names to her so she could choose she wouldn't choose by the name though but by the color her dresses and overalls were those colors too ice cream pastels Jimmy's that was the name of Glenn and I are more comfortable with one another now we're used to each other Siamese twins we don't bother much with the formalities anymore when we greet each other we smile and move off in tandem traveling smoothly along our daily track now and again we vary the route there's nothing against it as long as we stay within the barriers a rat and a maze is free to go anywhere as long as it stays inside the maze we've been to the spores already and the church now we're at the wall nothing on it today they don't leave the bodies hanging as long in summer as they do in Winter because of the Flies and the smell this was once the land of air sprays Pine and Floral and people retain the taste especially the commanders who preach Purity in all things you have everything on your list avlin says to me now though she knows I do our lists are never long she's given up some of her passivity lately some of her melancholy often she speaks to me first yes I say let's go around she says she means down towards the river we haven't been that way for a while fine I say I don't turn it once though but remain standing where I am taking a last look at the wall there are the red bricks there are the searchlights there's the barbed wire there are the hooks somehow the wall is even more foreboding when it's empty like this when there's someone hanging on it at least you know the worst but vacant it is also potential like a storm approaching when I can see the bodies the actual bodies when I can guess from the sizes and shapes that none of them is Luke I can believe also that he is still alive I don't know why I expect him to appear on this wall there are hundreds of other places they could have killed him but I can't shake the idea that he's in there at this moment behind the blank red bricks I try to imagine which building he's in I can remember where the buildings are inside the wall we used to be able to walk freely there when it was University we still go in there once in a while for women salvagings most of the buildings are red brick too some have arched doorways a Romanesque effect from the 19th century we aren't allowed inside the buildings anymore who would want to go in those buildings belong to the eyes maybe he's in the library somewhere in the vaults the stacks the library is like a temple there's a long flight of white steps leading to the rank of doors then inside another white staircase going up to either side of it on the wall there are angels also there are men fighting or about to fight looking clean and Noble not dirty and blood-stained and smelly the way they must have looked Victory is on one side of the inner doorway leading them on and death is on the other it's a mural in honor of some war or other the men on the side of death are still alive they're going to heaven death is a beautiful woman with wings and one breast almost bare or is that victory I can't remember they won't have destroyed that we turn our backs to the wall head left here there are several empty storefronts the glass windows scrawled with soap I try to remember what was sold in them once Cosmetics jewelry most of the stores carrying things for men are still open it's just the ones dealing in what they call vanities that have been shut down at the corner is the store known as Soul Scrolls it's a franchise there are soul Scrolls in every city center in every suburb or so they say it must make a lot of profit the window of soul Scrolls is shatterproof behind it are printout machines row on row of them these machines are known as holy rollers but only Among Us it's a disrespectful nickname what the machine's print is prayers roll upon roll prayers going out endlessly they're ordered by Compu phone I've overheard the Commander's wife doing it ordering prayers from Soul Scrolls is supposed to be a sign of piety and faithfulness to the regime so of course the Commander's wives do it a lot it helps their husbands careers there are five different prayers for health wealth a death a birth a sin you pick the one you want punch in the number then punch in your own number so your account will be debited and punch in the number of times you want the prayer repeated the machines talk as they print out the prayers if you like you can go inside and listen to them the toneless metallic voices repeating the same thing over and over once the prayers have been printed out and said the paper rolls back through another slot and is recycled into fresh paper again there are no people inside the building the machines run by themselves you can't hear the voices from outside only a murmur a hum like a devout crowd on its knees each machine has an eye painted in gold on the side flanked by two small golden wings I try to remember what this place sold when it was a store before it was turned into Soul Scrolls I think it was lingerie pink and silver boxes colored pantyhose brass ears with lace silk scarves something lost all Glenn and I stand outside Soul Scrolls looking through the shatterproof Windows watching the prayers well out from the machines and disappear again through the slot back to the realm of the unsaid now I shift my gaze what I see is not the machines put off Glenn reflected in the glass of the window she's looking straight at me we can see into each other's eyes this is the first time I've ever seen off Glenn's eyes directly steadily not a slant her face is oval pink plump but not fat her eye is roundish she holds my stare in the glass level unwavering now it's hard to look away there's a shock in this seeing it's like seeing somebody naked for the first time there is risk suddenly in the air between us where there was none before even this meeting of eyes holds Danger so there's nobody near At Last of Glenn speaks do you think God listens she says to these machines she is Whispering our habit at the center in the past this would have been a trivial enough remark a kind of scholarly speculation right now it's treason I could scream I could run away I could turn from her silently to show her I won't tolerate this kind of talk in my presence subversion sedition blasphemy heresy all rolled into one I steal myself no I say she lets out her breath in a long sigh of relief we have crossed the invisible line together neither do I she says though I suppose it's faith of a kind I say like Tibetan prayer Wheels what are those she asks I only read about them I say they were moved around by the wind they're all gone now like everything she says only now do we stop looking at one another is it safe here I whisper I figure it's the safest place she says we look like we're praying is all what about them she says still whispering you're always safest out of doors no mics and why would they put one here they'd think nobody would dare but we've stayed long enough there's no sense in being late getting back we turn away together keep your head down as we walk she says and lean just a little towards me that way I can hear you better don't talk when there's anyone coming we walk heads bent as usual I'm so excited I can hardly breathe but I keep a steady pace now more than ever I must avoid drawing attention to myself I thought you were a True Believer of Glenn says I thought you were I say you were always so stinking pious so are you I reply I want to laugh shout hug her you can join us she says us I say there isn't us then there's a we knew it you didn't think I was the only one she says I didn't think that it occurs to me that she may be a spy a plant set to trap me such as the soil in which we grow but I can't believe it hope is rising in me like sap in a tree blood in a wound we have made an opening I want to ask her if she see Moira if anyone can find out what's happened to Luke to my child my mother even but there's not much time too soon we're approaching the corner of the Main Street the one before the first barrier there will be too many people don't say a word of Glenn warns me though she doesn't need to in any way of course I won't I say who could I tell we walk the main street in silence past lilies past All Flesh there are more people on the sidewalks this afternoon than usual the warm weather must have brought them out women in green blue red stripes men too some in uniform some only in civilian suits the sun is free it is still there to be enjoyed though no one bathes in it anymore not in public there are more cars too whirlwinds with their chauffeurs and their cushioned occupants lesser car is driven by lesser men something is happening there's a commotion a flurry among the shoals of cars some are pulling over to the side as if to get out of the way I look up quickly it's a black fan with the white winged eye on the side it doesn't have the siren on but the other car is avoided anyway it cruises slowly along the street as if looking for something shark on the prowl I freeze cold travels through me down to my feet there must have been microphones they've hurt us after all of Glenn undercover of her sleeve grips my elbow keep moving pretend not to say but I can't help seeing right in front of us the van pulls up two eyes in Gray suits leap from the opening double doors at the back they grab a man who is walking along a man with a briefcase an ordinary looking man slam him back against the black side of the van he's there a moment splayed out against the metal as if stuck to it then one of the eyes moves in on him does something sharp and brutal that doubles him over into a limp cloth bundle they pick him up and heave him into the back of the van like a sack of mail then they are inside also and the doors are closed and the van moves on it's over in seconds and the traffic on the street resumes as if nothing has happened what I feel is relief it wasn't me chapter 28 I don't feel like a nap this afternoon there's still too much adrenaline I sit on the window seat looking out through the semi Shear of the curtains white nightgown the window is as open as it goes there's a breeze hot in the sunlight and the white cloth blows across my face from the outside I must look like a cocoon a spook face and shrouded like this only the outlines visible of nose bandaged mouth blind eyes but I like the sensation soft cloth brushing my skin it's like being in a cloud they've given me a small electric fan which helps in this humidity it wears on the floor in the corner its blades encased in grow work if I were Moira I'd know how to take it apart reduce it to its cutting edges I have no screwdriver but if I were Moira I could do it without a screwdriver I'm not Moira what would she tell me about the commander if she were here probably she'd disapprove she disapproved of Luke back then not of Luke but of the fact that he was married she said I was poaching on another woman's ground I said Luke wasn't a fish or a piece of dirt either he was a human being and could make his own decisions she said I was rationalizing I said I was in love she said that was no excuse Moira was always more logical than I am I said she didn't have that problem herself anymore since she decided to prefer women and as far as I could see she had no Scruples about stealing them or borrowing them when she felt like it she said it was different because the balance of power was equal between women so sex was an even Steven transaction I said even Steven was a sexist phrase if she was going to be like that and anyway that argument was outdated she said I had trivialized the issue and if I thought it was outdated I was living with my head in the sand we said all this in my kitchen drinking coffee sitting at my kitchen table in those low intense voices we used for such arguments when we were in our early 20s a carryover from college the kitchen was in a rundown apartment in a clapboard house near the river the kind with three stories and a rickety outside back staircase I had the second floor which meant I got noise from both above and below two unwanted disc players thumping late Into the Night students I knew I was still on my first job which didn't pay much I worked a computer in an insurance company so the hotels with Luke didn't mean only love or even only sex to me they also meant time off from the Cockroaches the dripping sink the linoleum that was peeling off the floor in patches even from my own attempts to brighten things up by sticking posters on the wall and hanging prisms in the windows I had plants too though they always got spider mites or died from being on watered I would go off with Luke and neglect them I said there was more than one way of living with your head in the sand and that if Moira thought she could create Utopia by shutting herself up in a women-only Enclave she was sadly mistaken men were not just going to go away I said you couldn't just ignore them that's like saying you should go out and catch syphilis merely because it exists Moira said are you calling Luke a social disease I said Moira laughed listen to us she said we sound like your mother we both laughed then and when she left we hugged each other as usual there was a time when we didn't hug after she told me about being gay but then she said I didn't turn her on reassuring me and we'd gone back to it we could fight and Wrangle and name call but it didn't change anything underneath she was still my oldest friend is I got a better apartment after that where I lived for the two years it took Luke to pry himself loose I paid for it myself with my new job it was in a library not the big one with death and victory a smaller one I worked transferring books to computer disks to cut down on storage space and replacement costs they said discus we called ourselves we called the library a discotheque which was a joke of ours after the books were transferred they were supposed to go to the shredder but sometimes I took them home with me I liked the feel of them and the look Luke said I had the mind of an antiquarian he liked that he liked old things himself it's strange now to think about having a job job it's a funny word it's a job for a man do a Joby they'd say to children when they were being toilet trained or of dogs he did a job on the carpet you were supposed to hit them with rolled up newspapers my mother said I can remember when there were newspapers though I never had a dog only cats The Book of Job all those women having jobs hard to imagine now but thousands of them had jobs Millions it was considered the normal thing now it's like remembering the paper money when they still had that my mother kept some of it pasted into her scrapbook along with the early photos it was obsolete by then you couldn't buy anything with it pieces of paper thickish greasy to the touch green colored with pictures on each side some old man in a wig and on the other side a pyramid with an eye above it It said In God We Trust my mother said people used to have signs beside their cash registers for a joke In God We Trust all others pay cash that would be blasphemy now you had to take those pieces of paper with you when you went shopping though by the time I was nine or ten most people used plastic cards not for the groceries though that came later it seems so primitive totem Mystic even like cowry shells I must have used that kind of money myself a little before everything went on the compubank I guess that's how they were able to do it in the way they did all at once without anyone knowing beforehand if there had still been portable money it would have been more difficult it was after the catastrophe when they shot the president and machine gunned the Congress and the Army declared a state of emergency they blamed it on the Islamic Fanatics at the time Keep Calm they said on television everything is under control I was stunned everyone was I know that was hard to believe the entire government gone like that how did they get in how did it happen that was when they suspended the Constitution they said it would be temporary there wasn't even any rioting in the streets people stayed home at night watching television looking for some Direction there wasn't even an enemy you could put your finger on look out said Moira to me over the phone here it comes here what comes I said you wait she said they've been building up to this it's you and me up against the wall baby she was quoting an expression of my mother's but she wasn't intending to be funny things continued in that state of suspended animation for weeks although some things did happen newspapers were censored and some were closed down for security reasons they said the roadblocks began to appear and identa passes everyone approved of that since it was obvious you couldn't be too careful they said that new elections would be held but that it would take some time to prepare for them the thing to do they said was to continue on as usual the porno Marts were shut though and there were no longer any feels on Wheels Vans and bundle buggies circling the square but I wasn't sad to see them go we all knew what a nuisance they'd been it's high time somebody did something said the woman behind the counter at the store where I usually bought my cigarettes it was on the corner a newsstand chain papers candy cigarettes the woman was older with gray hair my mother's generation did they just close them or what I asked she Shrugged who knows who cares she said maybe they just moved them off somewhere else trying to get rid of it all together is like trying to Stamp Out mice you know she punched my Compu number into the till barely looking at it I was a regular by then people were complaining she said the next morning on my way to the library for the day I stopped by the same store for another pack because I'd run out I was smoking one of those days it was attention you could feel it like a Subterranean hum although things seemed so quiet I was drinking more coffee too and having trouble sleeping everyone was a little jumpy there was a lot more music on the radio than usual and fewer words it was after we'd been married for years it seemed she was three or four in daycare we'd all got up in the usual way and had breakfast granola I remember and Luca driven her off to school and the little outfit I'd bought her just a couple of weeks before striped overalls in a blue t-shirt what month was this it must have been September there was a school pool that was supposed to pick them up but for some reason I'd wanted Luke to do it I was getting worried even about the school pool no children walk to school anymore there had been too many disappearances when I got to the corner store the usual woman wasn't there instead there was a man a young man he couldn't have been more than 20. she's sick I said as I handed him my card who he said aggressively I thought the woman who's usually here I said how would I know he said he was punching my number in studying each number punching with one finger he obviously hadn't done it before I dropped my fingers on the counter impatient for a cigarette wondering if anyone had ever told him something could be done about those pimples on his neck I remember quite clearly what he looked like tall slightly stooped dark hair cut short brown eyes that seem to focus two inches behind the bridge of my nose and that acne I suppose I remember him so clearly because of what he said next sorry he said this number's not valid that's ridiculous I said it must be I've got thousands in my account I just got the statement two days ago try it again it's not valid he repeated obstinately see that red light means it's not valid you must have made a mistake I said try it again he Shrugged and gave me a Fed Up smile but he did try the number again this time I watched his fingers on each number and checked the numbers that came up in the window it was my number all right but there was the red light again see he said again still with that smile as if he knew some private joke he wasn't going to tell me I'll phone them from the office I said the system had fouled up before but a few phone calls usually straightened it out still I was angry as if I'd been unjustly accused of something I didn't even know about as if I'd made the mistake myself you do that he said indifferently I left the cigarettes on the counter since I hadn't paid for them I figured I could borrow some at work I did phone from the office but all I got was a recording the lines were overloaded the recording said could I please phone back the lines stayed overloaded all morning as far as I could tell I phoned back several times but no luck even that wasn't too unusual about two o'clock after lunch the director came into the disking room I have something to tell you he said he looked terrible his hair was untidy his eyes were pink and wobbling as though he'd been drinking we all looked up turned off our machines there must have been eight or ten of us in the room I'm sorry he said but it's the law I really am sorry for what somebody said I have to let you go he said it's the law I have to I have to let you all go he said this almost gently as if we were wild animals frogs he'd caught in a jar as if he were being humane we're being fired I said I stood up but why not fired he said let go you can't work here anymore it's the law he ran his hands through his hair and I thought he's gone crazy The Strain has been too much for him and he's blown his wiring you can't just do that said the woman who sat next to me the sounded false improbable like something you would say on television it isn't me he said you don't understand please go now his voice was Rising I don't want any trouble if there's trouble the books might be lost things will get broken he looked over his shoulder they're outside he said in my office if you don't go now they'll come in themselves they gave me 10 minutes by now he sounded crazier than ever he's loopy someone said out loud which we must all have thought but I could see out into the corridor and there were two men standing there in uniforms with machine guns this was too theatrical to be true yet there they were sudden apparitions like Martians there was a dreamlike quality to them they were too Vivid too at odds with their surroundings just leave the machines he said while we were getting our things together filing out as if we could have taken them we stood in a cluster on the steps outside the library we didn't know what to say to one another since none of us understood what had happened there was nothing much we could say we looked at one another's faces and saw a dismay and a certain shame as if we've been caught doing something we shouldn't it's outrageous one woman said but without belief what was it about this that made us feel we deserved it when I got back to the house nobody was there Luke was still at work my daughter was at school I felt tired bone tired but when I sat down I got up again I couldn't seem to sit still I wandered through the house from room to room I remember touching things not even that consciously just placing my fingers on them things like the toaster the Sugar Bowl the ashtray in the living room after a while I picked up the cat and carried her around with me I wanted Luke to come home I thought I should do something take steps but I didn't know what steps I could take I tried phoning the bank again but I only got the same recording I poured myself a glass of milk I told myself I was too jittery for another coffee and went into the living room and sat down on the sofa and put the glass of milk on the coffee table carefully without drinking any of it I held the cat up against my chest so I could feel her purring against my throat after a while I phoned my mother at her apartment but there was no answer she'd settled down more by then she'd stop moving every few years she lived across the river in Boston I waited a while and phoned Moira she wasn't there either but when I tried half an hour later she was in between those phone calls I just sat on the sofa what I thought about was my daughter's school lunches I thought maybe I'd been giving her too many peanut butter sandwiches I've been fired I told Moira when I got her on the phone she said she would come over by that time she was working for a women's Collective the publishing division they put out books on birth control and rape and things like that though there wasn't as much demand for those things as there used to be I'll come over she said she must have been able to tell from my voice that this was what I wanted she got there after some time so she said she threw off her jacket sprawled into the oversized chair tell me first we'll have a drink she got up and went to the kitchen and poured us a couple of scotches and came back and sat down and I tried to tell her what had happened to me when I'd finished she said tried getting anything on your Compu card today yes I said I told her about that too they frozen them she said mine too the collectives too any account with an f on it instead of an m all they needed to do is push a few buttons were cut off but I've got over two thousand dollars in the bank I said as if my own account was the only one that mattered women can't hold property anymore she said it's a new law turned on the TV today no I said it's on there she said all over the place she was not stunned the way I was in some strange way she was gleeful as if this was what she'd been expecting for some time and now she'd been proven right she even looked more energetic more determined Luke can use your comp you count for you she said they'll transfer your number to him or that's what they say husband or male next of kin but what about you I said she didn't have anyone I'll go underground she said some of the gays can take over our numbers and buy us things we need but why I said why did they ours is not to reason why said Moira they had to do it that way the compu counts and the jobs both at once can you picture the airports otherwise they don't want us going anywhere you can bet on that I went to pick my daughter up from school I drove with exaggerated care by the time Luke got home I was sitting at the kitchen table she was drawing with felt pens at her own little table in the corner where her paintings were taped up next to the refrigerator Luke knelt beside me and put his arms around me I heard he said on the car radio driving home don't worry I'm sure it's temporary did they say why I said he didn't answer that we'll get through it he said hugging me you don't know what it's like I said I feel as if somebody cut off my feet I wasn't crying also I couldn't put my arms around him it's only a job he said trying to soothe me I guess you get all my money I said and I'm not even dead I was trying for a joke but it came out sounding macabre hush he said he was still kneeling on the floor you know I'll always take care of you I thought already he's starting to patronize me then I thought already you're starting to get paranoid I know I said I love you later after she was in bed and we were having supper and I wasn't feeling so shaky I told them about the afternoon I described the director coming in blurting out his announcement it would have been funny if it wasn't so awful I said I thought he was drunk maybe he was the Army was there and everything then I remembered something I'd seen and hadn't noticed at the time it wasn't the army it was some other Army there were marches of course a lot of women and some men but they were smaller than you might have thought I guess people were scared and when it was known that the police or the army or whoever they were would open fire almost as soon as any of the marches even started the marches stopped a few things were blown up post offices subway stations but you couldn't even be sure who was doing it it could have been the Army to justify the computer searches and the other ones the door-to-doors I didn't go on any of the marches Luke said it would be futile and I had to think about them my family him and her I did think about my family I started doing more housework more baking I try not to cry at meal times by this time I'd started to cry without warning and to sit beside the bedroom window staring out I didn't know many of the neighbors and when we met outside on the street we were careful to exchange nothing more than the ordinary greetings nobody wanted to be reported for disloyalty remembering this I remember also my mother years before I must have been 14 15 that age when daughters are most embarrassed by their mothers I remember her coming back to one of our many apartments with a group of other women part of our ever-changing Circle of Friends they'd been in a March that day it was during the time of the porn riots or was it the abortion riots they were close together there were a lot of bombings on clinics video stores was hard to keep track my mother had a bruise on her face and a little blood you can't stick your hand through a glass window without getting cut is what she said about it pigs bleeders one of her friends said they called The Other Side bleeders after the signs They Carried let them bleed so it must have been the abortion riots I went into my bedroom to be out of their way they were talking too much and too loudly they ignored me and I resented them my mother and her Rowdy Friends I didn't see why she had to dress that way in overalls as if she were young or to swear so much you're such a prude she would say to me in a tone of voice that was on the whole pleased she liked being more outrageous than I was more rebellious adolescents are always such prudes part of my disapproval was that I'm sure perfunctory routine but also I wanted from her a life more ceremonious less subject to makeshift and decampment you were a wanted child God knows she would say at other moments lingering over the photo albums in which she had me framed these albums were thick with babies but my replicas thinned out As I Grew Older as if the population of my duplicates had been hit by some plague she would say this a little regretfully as though I hadn't turned out entirely as she had expected no mother is ever completely a child's idea of what a mother should be and I suppose it works the other way around as well but despite everything we didn't do badly by one another we did as well as most I wish you were here so I could tell her I finally know this someone has come out of the house I hear the distant closing of a door around at the side footsteps on the walk it's Nick I can see him now he stepped off the path onto the lawn to breathe in the humid air which stinks of flowers of pulpey growth of pollen thrown into the wind and handfuls like oysters spawn into the sea all this prodigal breeding he stretches in the sun I feel the Ripple of muscles go along him like a cat's back arching he's in his shirt sleeves bear arms sticking shamelessly out from the rolled cloth where does the tan end I haven't spoken to him since that one night Dreamscape in the moon filled sitting room he's only my flag my semaphore body language right now his caps on Sideways therefore I am sent for what does he get for it his role is Page boy how does he feel pimping in this ambiguous way for the commander does it fill him with disgust or make him want more of me want me more because he has no idea what really goes on in there among the books acts of perversion for all he knows the Commander in me covering each other with ink licking it off or making love on stacks of forbidden newsprint well he wouldn't be far off at that but depend on it there's something in it for him everyone's on the take one way or another extra cigarettes extra freedoms not allowed to the general run anyway what can he prove it's his word against the commanders unless he wants to head a posse kick in the door and what did I tell you caught in the act sinfully scrabbling quick eat those words maybe he just likes the satisfaction of knowing something Secret of having something on me as they used to say it's the kind of power you can use only once I would like to think better of him that night after I'd lost my job Luke wanted me to make love why didn't I want to desperation alone should have driven me but I still felt numbed I could hardly even feel his hands on me what's the matter he said I don't know I said we still have he said but he didn't go on to say what we still had it occurred to me that he shouldn't be saying we since nothing that I knew of had been taken away from him we still have each other I said it was true then why did I sound even to myself so indifferent he kissed me then as if now I'd said that things could get back to normal but something had shifted some balance I felt shrunken so that when he put his arms around me Gathering me up I was small as a doll I felt love going forward without me he doesn't mind this I thought he doesn't mind it at all maybe he even likes it we are not each others anymore instead I am his unworthy unjust untrue but that is what happened so Luke what I want to ask you now what I need to know is I right because we never talked about it by the time I could have done that I was afraid to I couldn't afford to lose you chapter 29. I'm sitting in the Commander's office across from him at his desk in the client position as if I'm a bank customer negotiating a hefty loan but apart from my placement in the room little of that formality remains between us I no longer sit stiff-necked straight backed feet regimented side by side on the floor eyes at the salute instead my body's lacks cozy even my red shoes are off my legs tucked up underneath me on the chair surrounded by a buttress of red skirt true but tucked nonetheless as at a campfire of earlier and more picnic days if there were a fire in the fireplace its light would be twinkling on the polished surfaces glimmering warmly on flesh I add the Fire Light in as for the commander he's casual to a fault tonight jack it off elbows on the table all he needs is a toothpick in the corner of his mouth to be an ad for Rural democracy as in an etching fly specked some old burned book the squares on the board in front of me are filling up I'm making my penultimate play of the night zilch I spell a convenient one vowel word with an expensive Z is that a word says the commander we could look it up I say it's archaic I'll give it to you he says he smiles the commander likes it when I distinguish myself show precocity like an attentive pet prick eared and eager to perform his approbation laps me like a warm bath I sense in him none of the animosity I used to sense in men even in Luke sometimes he's not saying in his head in fact he is positively daddyish he likes to think I am being entertained and I am I am definitely he adds up our final scores on his pocket computer he ran away with it he says I suspect him of cheating to flatter me to put me in a good mood but why it remains a question what does he have to gain from this sort of pampering there must be something he leans back fingertips together a gesture familiar to me now we have built up a repertoire of such gestures such familiarities between us he's looking at me not unbenefolently but with curiosity is if I am a puzzle to be solved what would you like to read tonight he says this too has become routine so far I've been through a Mademoiselle magazine an old Esquire from the 80s a magazine I can remember vaguely as having been around my mother's various Apartments while I was growing up and a Reader's Digest he even has novels I've read a Raymond Chandler and right now I'm halfway through hard times by Charles Dickens on these occasions I read quickly heraciously almost skimming trying to get as much into my head as possible before the next long starvation if it were eating it would be the gluttony of the famished if it were sex it would be a swift furtive stand-up in an alley somewhere while I read the commander sits and watches me doing it without speaking but also without taking his eyes off me this watching is a curiously sexual act and I feel undressed while he does it I wish he would turn his back stroll around the room read something himself then perhaps I could relax more take my time as it is this illicit reading of mine seems a kind of performance I think I'd rather just talk I say I'm surprised to hear myself saying it he smiles again he doesn't appear surprised possibly he's been expecting this or something like it oh he says what would you like to talk about I falter anything I guess well you for instance me he continues to smile oh there's not much to say about me I'm just an ordinary kind of guy falsity of this and even the falsity of addiction guy pulls me up short ordinary guys do not become Commanders you must be good at something I say I know I'm prompting him playing up to him drawing him out and I dislike myself for it it's nauseating in fact but we are fencing either he talks or I will I know it I can feel speech backing up inside me it's so long since I've really talked with anyone the terse whispered exchange with AV Glenn on our walk today hardly counts but it was a tease a preliminary having felt the relief of even that much speaking I want more and if I talk to him I'll say something wrong give something away I Can Feel It Coming a betrayal of myself I don't want him to know too much oh I was in market research to begin with he says definitely after that I sort of branched out it strikes me that although I know he's a commander I don't know what he's a commander of what does he control what is his field as they used to say they don't have specific titles oh I say trying to sound as if I understand you might say I'm a sort of scientist he says within limits of course after that he doesn't say anything for a while and neither do I we are outweighing each other I'm the one to break first well maybe you could tell me something I've been wondering about he shows interest what might that be I'm heading into Danger but I can't stop myself it's a phrase I remember from somewhere best not to say where I think it's in Latin and I thought maybe I know he has a Latin dictionary he has dictionaries of several kinds on the top shelf to the left of the fireplace tell me he says distanced but more alert or am I imagining it nolito's Carver and Dora I say what he says I haven't pronounced it properly I don't know how I could spell it they say write it down he hesitates at this novel idea possibly he doesn't remember I can I've never held a pen or a pencil in this room not even to add up the scores women can't add he said once jokingly when I asked him what he meant he said for them one and one and one and one don't make four what do they make I said expecting five or three just one and one and one and one he said but now he says all right and thrusts his roller tip pen across the desk at me almost defiantly as if taking a dare I look around for something to write on and he hands me the score pad a desktop notepad with a little smile button face printed at the top of the page they still make those things I print the phrase carefully copying it down from inside my head from inside my closet no liday te bastardes Carver and dorum here in this context it's neither prayer nor command but a sad graffiti scrawled once abandoned the pen between my fingers is sensuous alive almost I can feel its power the power of the words it contains pen is envy and Lydia would say quoting another Center motto warning us away from such objects and they were right it is envy just holding it as Envy I envy the commander his pen it's one more thing I would like to steal the commander takes the smile button page for me and looks at it then he begins to laugh and is he blushing that's not real Latin he says that's just a joke a joke I say bewildered now it can't be only a joke have I risked this made a grab at knowledge for a mere joke what sort of a joke you know how school boys are he says his laughter is nostalgic I see now the laughter of indulgence towards his former self he gets up crosses to the bookshelves takes down a book from his Trove not the dictionary though it's an old book a textbook it looks like dog-eared and Inky before showing it to me he thumbs through it contemplative reminiscent then here he says laying it open on the desk in front of me what I see first is a picture the Venus de Milo in a black and white photo with a mustache and a black brassiere and armpit hair drawn clumsily on her on the opposite page is the Coliseum in Rome labeled in English and below a conjugation there he says pointing and in the margin I see it written in the same ink as the hair on the Venus Noli day te bastardis Carver and Durham it's sort of hard to explain why it's funny unless you know Latin he says we used to write all kinds of things like that I don't know where we got them from older boys perhaps forgetful of me and of himself he's turning the pages look at this he says the picture is called the Sabine Women and in the margin is scrawled pants there was another one he says Sim sis sit he stops returning to the present embarrassed again he smiles this time you could call it a grin I imagine freckles on him a cowlick right now I almost like him but what did it mean I say which he says oh it meant don't let the bastards grind you down I guess we thought we were pretty smart back then I force a smile but it's all before me now I can see why she wrote that on the wall of the cupboard but I also see that she must have learned it here in this room where else she was never a Schoolboy with him during some previous period of Boyhood reminiscence of confidences exchanged I have not been the first then to enter his silence play children's word games with him what happened to her I say he hardly misses a Beat did you know her somehow somehow I say she hanged herself he says thoughtfully not sadly that's why we had the light fixture removed in your room he pauses Serena found out he says as if this explains it and it does if your dog dies get another what with I say he doesn't want to give me any ideas doesn't matter he says torn bedsheet I figure I've considered the possibilities I suppose it was Cora who found her I say that's why she screamed yes he says poor girl he means quora maybe I shouldn't come here anymore I say I thought you were enjoying it he says lightly watching me however with intent Bright Eyes if I didn't know better I would think it was fear I wish she would you want my life to be bearable to me I say it comes out not as a question but as a flat statement flat and without dimension if my life is bearable maybe what they're doing is all right after all yes he says I do I would prefer it well then I say things have changed I have something on him now what I have on him is the possibility of my own death what I have on him is his guilt at last what would you like he says still with that lightness as if it's a money transaction merely and a minor one at that candy cigarettes besides hand lotion you mean I say besides hand lotion he agrees I would like I say I would like to know it sounds indecisive stupid even I say it without thinking know what he says whatever there is to know I say but that's too flippant what's going on 11. night chapter 30. night falls or Has Fallen why is it that night falls instead of rising like the dawn yet if you look East at Sunset you can see night Rising not falling Darkness lifting into the sky up from the Horizon like a black sun behind cloud cover like smoke from an unseen fire a line of fire just below the horizon brush fire or a burning City maybe night falls because it's heavy a thick curtain pulled up over the eyes wool blanket I wish I could see in the dark better than I do night has fallen then I feel it pressing down on me like a stone no Breeze I sit by the partly open window curtains tucked back because there's no one out there no need for modesty in my nightgown long-sleeved even in summer to keep us from The Temptations of our own flesh to keep us from hugging ourselves bear armed nothing moves in the Searchlight moonlight the scent from the garden Rises like heat from a body there must be night blooming flowers it's so strong I can almost see it red radiation wavering upwards like the Shimmer above Highway tarmac at noon down there on the lawn someone emerges from The Spill of Darkness Under The Willow steps across the light his long Shadow attached sharply to his heels is it Nick or is it someone else someone of no importance he stops looks up at this window and I can see the white oblong of his face Nick we look at each other I have no rose to toss he has no loot but it's the same kind of hunger which I can't indulge I pull the left hand curtain so that it falls between us across my face and after a moment he walks on into the invisibility around the corner what the commander said is true one and one and one and one doesn't equal four each one remains unique there is no way of joining them together they cannot be exchanged one for the other they cannot replace each other Nick for Luke or Luke for Nick should does not apply you can't help what you feel Moira said once but you can't help how you behave which is all very well context is all or is it ripeness one or the other the night before we left the house that last time I was walking through the rooms nothing was packed up because we weren't taking much with us and we couldn't afford even then to give the least appearance of leaving so I was just walking through here and there looking at things at the arrangement we had made together for our life I had some idea that I would be able to remember afterwards what it had looked like Luke was in the living room he put his arms around me we were both feeling miserable how are we to know we were happy even then because we at least had that arms around the cat is what he said cat I said against the wool of his sweater we can't just leave her here I hadn't thought about the cat neither of us had our decision had been sudden and then there had been the planning to do I must have thought she was coming with us but she couldn't you don't take a cat on a day trip across the border why not outside I said we could just leave her she'd hang around and Mew at the door someone would notice we were gone we could give her away I said one of the neighbors even as I said this I saw how foolish that would be I'll take care of it Luke said and because he said it instead of her I knew he meant kill that is what you have to do before you kill I thought you have to create an it where none was before you do that first in your head and then you make it real so that's how they do it I thought I seemed never to have known that before Luke found the cat who was hiding under our bed they always know he went into the garage with her I don't know what he did and I never asked him I sat in the living room hands folded in my lap I should have gone out with him taken that small responsibility I should at least have asked him about it afterwards so he didn't have to carry it alone because that little sacrifice that's nothing out of love was done for my sake as well that's one of the things they do they force you to kill within yourself useless as it turned out I wonder who told them it could have been a neighbor watching our car pull out from the driveway in the morning acting on a hunch tipping them off for a gold star on someone's list it could even have been the man who got us the passports why not get paid twice like them even to plant the passport foragers themselves a net for the unwary The Eyes Of God run over all the Earth because they were ready for us and waiting the moment of betrayal is the worst the moment when you know beyond any doubt that you've been betrayed that some other human being has wished you that much evil it was like being in an elevator cut loose at the top falling falling and not knowing when you will hit I try to conjure to raise my own Spirits from wherever they are I need to remember what they look like I try to hold them still behind my eyes their faces like pictures in an album but they won't stay still for me they move there's a smile and it's gone their features curl and bend as if the paper is burning Blackness eats them a glimpse a pale Shimmer on the air a glow Aurora dance of electrons then a face again faces but they fade though I stretch out my arms towards them they slip away from me ghosts at Daybreak back to wherever they are stay with me I want to say but they won't it's my fault I am forgetting too much tonight I will say my prayers no longer kneeling at the foot of the bed knees on the hardwood of the gym floor Aunt Elizabeth standing by the double doors arms folded cattle prod hung on her belt while Aunt Lydia strides along the rows of kneeling nightgown women hitting her backs or feet or bums or arms lightly just a flick a tap with a wooden pointer if we slouch or slacken she wanted our heads bowed just right our toes together and pointed our elbows at the proper angle part of her interest in this was aesthetic she liked the look of the thing she wanted us to look like something Anglo-Saxon carved on a tomb or Christmas card angels regimented in our Robes of purity but she knew too the spiritual value of bodily rigidity of muscle strain a little pain cleans out the Mind she'd say what we prayed for was emptiness so we would be worthy to be filled with grace with love with self-denial semen and babies o god king of the universe thank you for not creating me a man oh God obliterate me make me fruitful mortify My Flesh that I may be multiplied let me be fulfilled some of them would get carried away with this the Ecstasy of a basement some of them would moan and cry there is no point in making a spectacle of yourself Janine said Aunt Lydia I pray where I am sitting by the window looking out through the curtain at The Empty Garden I don't even close my eyes out there or inside my head it's an equal Darkness or light my God who art in the Kingdom of Heaven which is within I wish you would tell me your name the real one I mean but you will do as well as anything I wish I knew what you were up to but whatever it is help me to get through it please so maybe it's not your doing I don't believe for an instant that what's going on out there is what you meant I have enough Daily Bread so I won't waste time on that it isn't the main problem the problem is getting it down without choking on it now we come to forgiveness don't worry about forgiving me right now there are more important things for instance keep the others safe if they are safe don't let them suffer too much if they have to die let it be fast you might even provide a heaven for them we need you for that hell we can make for ourselves I suppose I should say I forgive whoever did this and whatever they're doing now I'll try but it isn't easy Temptation comes next at the center Temptation was anything much more than eating and sleeping knowing was a temptation what you don't know won't tempt you and Lydia used to say maybe I don't really want to know what's going on maybe I'd rather not know maybe I couldn't bear to know the fall was a fall from innocence to knowledge I think about the chandelier too much though it's gone now but you could use a hook in the closet I've considered the possibilities all you'd have to do after attaching yourself would be to lean your weight forward and not fight Deliver Us from Evil then there's Kingdom power and Glory it takes a lot to believe in those right now but I'll try it anyway in Hope as they say on the gravestones you must feel pretty ripped off I guess it's not the first time if I were you I'd be fed up I'd really be sick of it I guess that's the difference between us I feel very unreal talking to you like this I feel as if I'm talking to a wall I wish you'd answer I feel so alone all alone by the telephone except I can't use the telephone and if I could who could I call oh God it's no joke oh God oh God how can I keep on living 12. Jezebels chapter 31 every night when I go to bed I think in the morning I will wake up in my own house and things will be back the way they were it hasn't happened this morning either I put on my clothes summer clothes it's still summer seems to have stopped it summer July it's breathless days and sauna nights hard to sleep I make a point of keeping track I should scratch marks on the wall one for each day of the week and run a line through them when I have seven but what would be the use this isn't a jail sentence there's no time here that can be done and finished with anyway all I have to do is ask to find out what day it is yesterday was July the 4th which used to be independence day before they abolished it September 1st will be Labor Day they still have that though it didn't used to have anything to do with mothers but I tell time by the moon lunar not solar I bend over to do up my red shoes lighter weight these days with discreet slits cut in them though nothing so daring as sandals it's an effort to stoop despite the exercises I can feel my body gradually seizing up refusing being a woman this way is how I used to imagine it would be to be very old I feel I even walk like that crouched over my spine constricting to a question mark my bones leeched of calcium and porous as limestone when I was younger imagining age I would think maybe you appreciate things more when you don't have much time left I forgot to include the loss of energy some days I do appreciate things more eggs flowers but then I decide I'm only having an attack of sentimentality my brain going pastel Technicolor like the beautiful sunset greeting cards they used to make so many of in California high gloss hearts the danger is gray out I'd like to have Luke here in this bedroom while I'm getting dressed so I could have a fight with him absurd but that's what I want an argument about who should put the dishes in the dishwasher whose turn it is to sort the laundry clean the toilet something daily and unimportant in the big scheme of things we could even have a fight about that about unimportant important what a luxury it would be not that we did it much these days I script whole fights in my head and the reconciliations afterwards too I sit in my chair the wreath on the ceiling floating above my head like a frozen Halo a zero a hole in space where a star exploded a ring on water where a stone's been thrown all things white and circular I wait for the day to unroll for the earth to turn according to the round face of the implacable clock the geometrical days which go around and around smoothly and oiled sweat already on my upper lip I wait for the arrival of the inevitable egg which will be lukewarm like the room and will have a green film on the yoke and will taste faintly of sulfur today later with ovglin on our shopping walk we go to the church as usual and look at the graves then to the wall only two hanging on it today one Catholic not a priest though placarded with an upside down cross and some other sect I don't recognize the body is marked only with a J in red it doesn't mean Jewish those would be yellow stars anyway there haven't been many of them because they were declared sons of Jacob and therefore special they were given a choice they could convert or immigrate to Israel a lot of them immigrated if you can believe the news I saw a boatload of them on the TV leaning over the railings and their black coats and hats and their long beards trying to look as Jewish as possible and costumes fished up from the past the women with shawls over their heads smiling and waving a little stiffly it's true as if they were posing and another shot of the Richer ones lining up for the plains avlin says some other people got out that way by pretending to be Jewish but it wasn't easy because of the tests they gave you and they've tightened up on that now you don't get hanged only for being a Jew though you get hanged for being a noisy Jew who won't make the choice or for pretending to convert that's been on the TV too raids at night secret hordes of Jewish things dragged out from under beds torahs taliths Mogan David's and the owners of them Sullen faced unrepentant pushed by the eyes against the walls of their bedrooms while the sorrowful voice of the announcer tells his voice over about their perfidy and ungratefulness so the J isn't for Jew what could it be Jehovah's Witness Jesuit whatever it meant he's just as dead after this ritual viewing we continue on our way heading as usual for some open space we can cross so we can talk if you can call it talking these clipped Whispers projected through the funnels of our White Wings it's more like a telegram a verbal semaphore amputated speech we can never stand long in any one place we don't want to be picked up for loitering today we turn in the opposite direction from Soul Scrolls to where there's an open Park of sorts with a large old building on it ornate late Victorian with stained glass it used to be called Memorial Hall though I never knew what it was a memorial for dead people of some kind Moira told me once that it used to be where the undergraduates ate in the earlier days of the University if a woman went in there they'd throw buns at her she said why I said Moira became over the years increasingly versed in such anecdotes I didn't much like it this Grudge holding against the past to make her go out said Moira maybe it was more like throwing peanuts at elephants I said Moira laughed she could always do that exotic monsters she said we stand looking at this building which is in shape more or less like a church a cathedral of Glenn says I hear that's where the eyes hold their banquets who told you I say there's no one near we can speak more freely but out of habit we keep our voices low the Grapevine she says she pauses looks sideways at me I can sense the blur of white as her wings move there's a password she says a password I ask what for so you can tell she says who is and who isn't although I can't see what use it is for me to know I ask what is it then Mayday she says I tried it on you once May Day I repeat I remember that day May Day don't use it unless you have to says off Glenn it isn't good for us to know about too many of the others in the network in case you get caught I find it hard to believe in these whisperings these Revelations though I always do at the time afterwards though they seem improbable childish even like something you do for fun like a Girls Club like Secrets at school or like the Spy novels I used to read on weekends when I should have been finishing my homework or like late night television passwords things that cannot be told people with secret identities dark linkages this does not seem as if it ought to be the true shape of the world but that is my own illusion hangover from a version of reality I learned in the former time and networks networking one of my mother's old phrases musty slang of yesteryear even in her 60s she still did something she called that though as far as I could see all it meant was having lunch with some other woman I leave off Glenn at the corner I'll see you later she says she Glides away Along the sidewalk and I go up the walk towards the house there's Nick hat askew today he doesn't even look at me he must have been waiting around for me though to deliver his silent message because as soon as he knows I've seen him he gives the Whirlwind one last swipe with the Chamois and walks briskly off towards the garage door I walk along the gravel between the slabs of over Green Lawn Serena Joy is sitting under the willow tree in her chair Kane propped at her elbow her dress is crisp cool cotton for her it's blue watercolor not this red of mine that sucks in heat and blazes with it at the same time her profiles towards me she's knitting how can she bear to touch the wall in this heat but possibly your Skin's gone numb possibly she feels nothing like one formally scalded I lower my eyes to the path Glide by her hoping to be invisible knowing I'll be ignored but not this time offered she says I pause uncertain yes you I turn towards her my blinkered sight come over here I want you I walk over the grass and stand before her looking down you can sit she says here take the cushion I need you to hold this wool she's got a cigarette the ashtray is on the lawn beside her and a cup of something tea or coffee it's too damn close in there you need a little air she says I sit putting down my basket strawberries again chicken again and I note the swear word something new she fits the skein of wool over my two outstretched hands starts winding I am leashed it looks like manacled cobwebt that's closer the wool is gray and has absorbed moisture from the air it's like a wetted baby blanket and smells faintly of damp sheep at least my hands will get lanolin Serena whines the cigarette held in the corner of her mouth smoldering sending out tempting smoke she whines slowly and with difficulty because of her gradually crippling hands but with determination perhaps the knitting for her involves a kind of willpower maybe it even hurts maybe it's been medically prescribed 10 rows a day of plain ten of pearl though she must do more than that I see those evergreen trees and geometric boys and girls in a different light evidence of her stubbornness and not all together despicable my mother did not knit or anything like that but whenever she would bring things back from the cleaners her good blouses winter coats she'd save up the safety pins and make them into a chain then she'd pin the chain somewhere her bed the pillow a chair back the oven mitt in the kitchen so she wouldn't lose them then she forgot about them I would come upon them here and there in the house the houses tracks of her presence remnants of some lost intention like signs on a road that turns out to lead nowhere Throwbacks to Domesticity well then Serena says she stops whining leaving me with my hands still garlanded with animal hair and takes the cigarette end from her mouth to butt it out nothing yet I know what she's talking about there are not that many subjects that could be spoken about between us there's not much common ground except this one mysterious and chancy thing no I say nothing too bad she says it's hard to imagine her with a baby but the marthas would take care of it mostly she'd like me pregnant though over and done with and out of the way no more humiliating sweaty Tangles no more flesh triangles under her Starry canopy of silver flowers peace and quiet I can't imagine she'd want such good luck for me for any other reason your time's running out she says not a question a matter of fact yes I say neutrally she's lighting another cigarette fumbling with the lighter definitely your hands are getting worse but it would be a mistake to offer to do it for her she'd be offended a mistake to notice weakness in her maybe he can't she says I don't know who she means does she mean the commander or God if it's God she should say won't either way it's heresy it's only women who can't Who Remain stubbornly closed damaged defective no I say maybe he can't I look up at her she looks down it's the first time we've looked into each other's eyes in a long time since we met the moment stretches out between us Bleak and level she's trying to see whether or not I'm up to reality maybe she says holding the cigarette which she has failed to light maybe you should try it another way does she mean on all fours what other way I say I must keep serious another man she says you know I can't I say careful not to let my irritation show against the law you know the penalty yes she says she's ready for this she's thought it through I know you can't officially but it's done women do it frequently all the time with doctors you mean I say remembering the sympathetic brown eyes the gloveless hand the last time I went it was a different doctor maybe someone caught him out or a woman reported him not that they'd take her word without evidence some do that she says her tone almost affable now though distanced it's as if we're considering a choice of nail polish that's how I've worn did it the wife knew of course she pauses to let this sink in I would help you I would make sure nothing went wrong I think about this not with a doctor I say no she agrees and for this moment at least we are cronies this could be a kitchen table it could be a date we're discussing some girlish stratagem of ploys and flirtation sometimes they blackmail but it doesn't have to be a doctor it could be someone we trust who I say I was thinking of Nick she says and her voice is almost soft he's been with us a long time he's loyal I could fix it with him so that's who does her little black market errands for her is this what he always gets in return what about the commander I say well she says with firmness no more than that a clenched look like a purse snapping shut we just won't tell him will we this idea hangs between us almost visible almost palpable heavy formless dark collusion of a sort betrayal of a sort she does want that baby it's a risk I say more than that it's my life on the line but that's where it will be sooner or later one way or another whether I do or don't we both know this you might as well she says which is what I think too all right I say yes she leans forward maybe I could get something for you she says because I have been good something you want she adds wheedling almost that I say think of anything I truly want that should be likely or able to give me a picture she says as if offering me some juvenile treat and ice cream a trip to the zoo I look up at her again puzzled of her she says you're a little girl but only maybe she knows where they've put her then where they're keeping her she's known all along something chokes in my throat the not to tell me bring me news any news at all not even to let on she's made of wood or iron she can't imagine but I can't say this I can't lose sight even if so small a thing I can't let go of this hope I can't speak she's actually smiling coquettishly even there's a hint of her former small screen mannequins Allure flickering over her face like momentary static it's too damn hot for this don't you think she says she lifts the wool from my two hands where I've been holding it all this time then she takes the cigarette she's been fiddling with and a little awkwardly presses it into my hand closing my fingers around it find yourself a match she says they're in the kitchen you can ask Rita for one you can tell her I said so only the one though she adds roguishly we don't want to ruin your health chapter 32. Reed is sitting at the kitchen table there's a glass bowl with ice cubes floating in it on the table in front of her radishes made into flowers roses or tulips Bob in it on The Chopping board in front of her she's cutting more with a paring knife her large hands Deft and different the rest of her body does not move nor does her face it's as if she's doing it in her sleep this knife trick on the white enamel surface is a pile of radishes washed but uncut little Aztec hearts she hardly bothers to look up as I enter you got it all huh is what she says as I take the parcels out for her inspection could I have a match I ask her surprising how much like a small begging child she makes me feel simply by her scowl her stalinity how important and whiny matches she says what do you want matches for she said I could have one I say not wanting to admit to the cigarette who said she continues with the radishes her Rhythm Unbroken no call for you to have matches burn thousand you can go and ask her if you like I say she's out on the lawn Rita rolls her eyes to the ceiling as if Consulting silently some deity there then she sighs Rises heavily and wipes her hands with ostentation on her apron to show me how much trouble I am she goes to the cupboard over the sink taking her time locates her key bunch in her pocket unlocks the cupboard door keep him in here summer she says as if to herself no call for a fire in this weather I remember from April that it's Cora who lights the fires in the sitting room and the dining room in cooler weather the matches are wooden ones and a cardboard sliding top box the kind I used to covet in order to make doll's drawers out of them she opens the Box peers into it as if deciding which one she'll let me have her own business she mutters no way you can tell her a thing she plunges her big hand down selects a match hands it over to me now don't you go setting fire to nothing she says not them curtains in your room too hot the way it is I won't I say that's not what it's for she does not deign to ask me what it is for don't care if you eat it or what she says she said you could have one so I'll give you one is all she turns away from me and sits again at the table then she picks an ice cube out of the bowl and Pops it into her mouth this is an unusual thing for her to do I've never seen her nibble while working you can have one of them too she says a shame making you wear all them pillowcases on your head in this weather I'm surprised she doesn't usually offer me anything maybe she feels that if I've risen in status enough to be given a match she can afford her own small gesture have I become suddenly one of those who must be appeased thank you I say I transfer the match carefully to my zippered sleeve where the cigarette is so it won't get wet and take an ice cube those radishes are pretty I say in return for the gift she's made me of her own free will I like to do things right is all she says grumpy again no sense otherwise I go along the passage up the stairs hurrying in the curved hallway mirror I flip past a red shape at the edge of my own field of vision a wraith of red smoke I have smoke on my mind all right already I can feel it in my mouth drawn down into the lungs filling me in a long rich dirty cinnamon sigh and then the rush as the nicotine hits the bloodstream after all this time it could make me sick I wouldn't be surprised but even that thought is welcome along the corridor I go or should I do it in the bathroom running the water to clear the air in the bedroom Wheezy Puffs out the open window who's to catch me at it who knows even as I luxuriate in the future this way rolling anticipation around in my mouth I think of something else I don't need to spunk this cigarette I could shred it up and flush it down the toilet or I could eat it and get the high that way that can work too a little at a time to save up the rest that way I could keep the match I could make a small hole in the mattress slide it carefully in such a thin thing would never be noticed there it would be at night under me while I'm in bed sleeping on it I could burn the house down such a fine thought it makes me shiver an escape quick and narrow I lie on my bed pretending to nap the commander last night fingers together looking at me as I sat rubbing oily lotion into my hands odd I thought about asking him for a cigarette but decided against it I know enough not to ask for too much at once I don't want him to think I'm using him also I don't want to interrupt him last night he had a drink Scotch and water he's taken to drinking in my presence to unwind after the day he says I'm together he is under pressure he never offers me one though and I don't ask we both know what my body is for when I kiss him good night as if I mean it his breath smells of alcohol and I breathe it in like smoke I admit I relish it this lick of dissipation sometimes after a few drinks he becomes silly and cheats at Scrabble he encourages me to do it too and we take extra letters and make words with them that don't exist words like smirt and crop giggling over them sometimes he turns on his shortwave radio displaying before me a minute or two of Radio free America to show me he can then he turns it off again damn Cubans he says all that filth about Universal daycare sometimes after the games he sits on the floor beside my chair holding my hand his head is a little below mine so that when he looks up at me it's at a juvenile angle it must amuse him this fake subservience he's way up there says off Glenn he's at the top and I mean the very top such times it's hard to imagine it occasionally I try to put myself in his position I do this as a tactic to guess in advance how he may be moved to behave towards me it's difficult for me to believe I have power over him of any sort but I do although it's of an equivocal kind once in a while I think I can see myself though blurly as he may see me there are things he wants to prove to me gifts he wants to bestow Services he wants to render tenderness is he wants to inspire he wants all right especially after a few drinks sometimes he becomes querulous at other times philosophical Ori wishes to explain things justify himself as last night the problem wasn't only with the women he says the main problem was with the men there was nothing for them anymore nothing I say but they had there was nothing for them to do he says they could make money I say a little nastily right now I'm not afraid of him it's hard to be afraid of a man who is sitting watching you put on hand lotion this lack of fear is dangerous it's not enough he says it's too abstract I mean there was nothing for them to do with women what do you mean I say what about all the porny corners it was all over the place they even had it motorized I'm not talking about sex he says that was part of it the sex was too easy anyone could just buy it there was nothing to work for nothing to fight for we have the stats from that time you know what they were complaining about the most inability to feel men were turning off on sex even they were turning off on marriage do they feel now I say yes he says looking at me they do he stands up comes around the desk to the chair where I'm sitting he puts his hands on my shoulders from behind I can't see him I like to know what you think his voice says from behind me I don't think a lot I say lightly what he wants is intimacy but I can't give him that there's hardly any point in my thinking is there I say what I think doesn't matter which is the only reason he can tell me things come now he says pressing a little with his hands I'm interested in your opinion you're intelligent enough you must have an opinion about what I say what we've done he says how things have worked out I hold myself very still I tried to empty my mind I think about the sky at night when there's no moon I have no opinion I say he sighs relaxes his hands but leaves them on my shoulders he knows what I think all right you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs is what he says we thought we could do better I say in a small voice how can he think this is better better never means better for everyone he says it always means worse for some I lie flat The Damp air above me like a lid like Earth I Wish It Would Rain better still a thunderstorm black clouds lightning ear splitting sound the electricity might go off I could go down to the kitchen then say I'm afraid sit with Rita and Cora around the kitchen table they would permit my fear because it's one they share they'd let me in there would be candles burning we would watch each other's faces come and go in the flickering the white flashes of jagged light from outside the windows oh Lord Cora would say oh Lord save us the air would be clear after that and lighter I look up at the ceiling the round circle of plaster flowers draw a circle step into it it will protect you from the center was the chandelier and from the chandelier a twisted strip of sheet was hanging down that's where she was swinging just lightly like a pendulum the way you could swing as a child hanging by your hands from a tree branch she was safe then protected altogether by the Time Cora opened the door sometimes I think she's still in here with me I feel buried chapter 33 late afternoon the sky hazy the sunlight diffuse but heavy and everywhere like bronze dust I Glide with avglenn along the sidewalk the pair of us and in front of us another pair and across the street another we must look good from a distance picturesque like Dutch milk Maids on a wallpaper freeze like a Shelf full of period costume ceramic salt and pepper shakers like a flotilla of swans or anything that repeats itself with at least minimum Grace and without variation soothing to the eye the eyes the eyes for that's who this show is for off to the praveaganza to demonstrate how obedient and Pious we are not a dandelion inside here The Lawns are picked clean I long for one just one rubbishy and intimately random and hard to get rid of and perennially yellow is the Sun cheerful and plebeian shining for all alike Rings we would make from them and crowns and necklaces stains from the bitter milk on our fingers or I'd hold one under her chin do you like butter smelling them should get pollen on her nose or was that buttercups or gone to seed I can see her running across the lawn that lawn there just in front of me at two three years old waving one like a sparkler a small wand of white fire the air filling with tiny parachutes blow and you tell the time all that time flowing away in the Summer Breeze it was daisies for love though and we did that too we line up to get processed through the checkpoint standing in our twos and twos and twos like a private girls school that went for a walk and stayed out too long years and years too long so that everything has become overgrown legs bodies dresses all together as if Enchanted a fairy tale I'd like to believe instead we are checked through in our twos and continue walking after a while we turn right heading past lilies and down towards the river I wish I could go that far to where the wide banks are where we used to lie in the Sun where the bridges Arch over if you went down the river long enough along its Cinema windings you'd reach the sea but what could you do there gather shells LOL on the oily stones we are going to the river though we won't see the little cupolas on the buildings down that way white with blue and gold trim such chaste gaiety we turn in at a more modern building a huge Banner draped above its door women's praveaganza today the banner covers the building's former name some dead president they shot below the Red Riding there's a line of smaller print in black with the outline of a winged eye on either side of it God is a national resource on either side of the doorway stand the inevitable Guardians two pairs four and all arms at their sides eyes front they're like store mannequins almost with their neat hair and pressed uniforms and plaster hard young faces no pimply ones today each has a submachine gun slung ready for whatever dangerous or subversive acts they think we might commit inside the prey veganza is to be held in the covered Courtyard where there's an oblong space a skylight roof it isn't a city-wide prevaganza that would be on the football field it's only for this District ranks of folding wooden chairs have been placed along the right side for the wives and Daughters of high-ranking officials or officers there's not that much difference the gallery is above with their concrete railings are for the lower ranking women the marthas the Econo wives and their multi-colored stripes attendance at pravaganzas isn't compulsory for them especially if they're on duty or have young children but the galleries seem to be filling up anyway I suppose it's a form of entertainment like a show or a circus a number of the wives are already seated in their best embroidered blue we can feel their eyes on us as we walk in our red dresses two by two across to the side opposite them we are being looked at assessed whispered about we can feel it like tiny ants running on our bare skins here there are no chairs our area is cordoned off with a silky Twisted Scarlet rope like the kind they used to have in movie theaters to restrain the customers this rope segregates us marks us off keeps the others from contamination by us makes for us a Corral or pen so into it we go arranging ourselves in rows which we know very well how to do kneeling then on the cement floor Glen murmurs at my side we can talk better and when we are kneeling heads bowed slightly I can hear from all around us assessoration like the rustling of insects and Tall dry grass cloud of Whispers this is one of the places where we can exchange news more freely pass it from one to the next it's hard for them to single out any one of us or hear what's being said and they wouldn't want to interrupt the ceremony not in front of the television cameras avgland digs me in the side with her elbow to call my attention and I look up slowly and stealthily from where we're kneeling we have a good view of the entrance to the Courtyard where people are coming steadily in it must be Janine she meant me to see because there she is paired with a new woman not the former one someone I don't recognize Janine must have been transferred then to a new household a new posting it's early for that something going wrong with her breast milk that would be the only reason they'd move her unless there's been a fight over the baby which happens more than you'd think once she had it she may have resisted giving it up I can see that her body under the red dress looks very thin skinny almost and she's lost that pregnant glow her face is white and peaked as if the juice is being sucked out of her it was no good you know avlin says near the side of my head it was a shredder after all she means Janine's baby the baby that passed through Janine on its way to somewhere else the baby Angela it was wrong to name her too soon I feel an illness in the pit of my stomach not an illness an emptiness I don't want to know what was wrong with it my God say to go through all that for nothing worse than nothing second of Glenn says not counting your own before she had an eighth month miscarriage didn't you know we watch as Janine enters the roped off enclosure in her veil of untouchability of bad luck she sees me she must see me but she looks right through me no smile of Triumph This Time she turns meals and all I can see now is her back and the thin bowed shoulders he thinks it's her fault of Glenn Whispers two in a row for being sinful she used a doctor they say it wasn't her commanders at all I can't say I do know or ovlin will wonder how as far as she's aware she herself is my only source for this kind of information of which she has a surprising amount how would she have found out about Janine the marthas Janine shopping partner listening at closed doors to the wives over their tea and wine spinning their webs will Serena joy talk about me like that if I do as she wants agreed to it right away really she didn't care anything with two legs and a good you know what was fine with her they aren't squeamish they don't have the same feelings we do and the rest of them leaning forward in their chairs my dear all horror and prurians how could she where when as they did No Doubt with Janine that's terrible I say it's like Janine though to take it upon herself to decide the baby's flaws were due to her alone but people will do anything rather than admit that their lives have no meaning no use that is no plot one morning while we were getting dressed I noticed that Janine was still in her white cotton nightgown she was just sitting there on the edge of her bed I looked over towards the double doors of the gymnasium where the ant usually stood to see if she'd noticed but the ant wasn't there by that time they were more confident about us sometimes they left us unsupervised in the classroom and even the cafeteria for minutes at a time probably she ducked out for a smoke or a cup of coffee look I said to Alma who had the bed next to mine Alma looked at Janine then we both walked over to her put your clothes on Janine Alma said to Janine's white back we don't want extra prayers on account of you but Janine didn't move by that time Moira had come over too it was before she'd broken free the second time she was still limping from what they'd done to her feet she went around the bed so she could see Janine's face come here she said to almond me the others were beginning to gather too there was a little crowd go on back Moira said to them don't make a thing of it what if she walks in I was looking at Janine her eyes were open but they didn't see me at all they were rounded wide and her teeth were buried in a fixed smile through the smile through her teeth she was whispering to herself I had to lean down close to her hello she said but not to me my name's Janine I'm your weight person for this morning can I get you some coffee to begin with Christ said Moira beside me don't swear sarama Moira took Janine by the shoulders and shook her snap out of it Janine she said roughly and don't use that word Janine smiled you have a nice day now she said Moira slapped her across the face twice back and forth get back here she said get right back here you can't stay there you aren't there anymore that's all gone Janine's smile faltered she put her hand up to her cheek what did you hit me for she said wasn't it good I can bring you another you didn't have to hit me don't you know what they'll do Moira said her voice was low but hard intent look at me my name is Moira and this is the red Center look at me Janine's eyes began to focus Moira she said I don't know any Moira they won't send you to the infirmary so don't even think about it Moira said they won't mess around with trying to cure you they won't even bother to ship you to the colonies you go too far away and they just take you up to the chemistry lab and shoot you then they burn you up with the garbage like an unwoman so forget it I want to go home Janine said she began to cry Jesus God Moira said that's enough she'll be here in one minute I promise you so put your goddamn clothes on and shut up Janine kept whimpering but she also stood up and started to dress she does that again and I'm not here Moira said to me you just have to slap her like that Can't Let Her Go slipping over the edge that stuff is catching she must have already been planning then how she was going to get out chapter 34. the sitting space in the courtyard is filled now we wrestle and wait at last the Commander in charge of this service comes in he's balding and squarely built and looks like an aging football coach he's dressed in his uniform sober black with the rose of Insignia and decorations it's hard not to be impressed but I make an effort I try to imagine him in bed with his wife and his handmaid fertilizing away like mad like a rutting salmon pretending to take no pleasure in it when the Lord said be fruitful and multiply did he mean this man this Commander ascends the steps to the podium which is draped with a red cloth embroidered with a large white-winged eye he gazes over the room and our soft voices die he doesn't even have to raise his hands then his voice goes into the microphone and out through the speakers robbed of its lower tones so that it's sharply metallic as if it's being made not by his mouth his body but by the speakers themselves his voice is metal colored horn-shaped today is a day of Thanksgiving he begins a day of praise I tune out through the speech about Victory and sacrifice then there's a long prayer about unworthy vessels Than A Hymn there is a balm in Gilead there is a bomb in Gilead was what Moira used to call it now comes the main item the 20 angels enter newly returned from the fronts newly decorated accompanied by their honor guard marching one two one two into the central open space attention at ease and now the 20 veiled daughters in white come shyly forward their mothers holding their elbows it's mothers not fathers who give away daughters these days and help with the arrangement of the marriages the marriages are of course arranged these girls haven't been allowed to be alone with a man for years for however many years we've all been doing this are they old enough to remember anything of the time before playing baseball in jeans and sneakers riding their bicycles reading books all by themselves even though some of them are no more than 14 start them soon is the policy there's not a moment to be lost still they'll remember and the ones after them will for three or four or five years but after that they won't they'll always have been in White in groups of girls they'll always have been silent we've given them more than we've taken away said the commander think of the trouble they had before Don't You Remember The Singles bars the indignity of high school blind dates the meat market don't you remember the terrible gap between the ones who could get a man easily and the ones who couldn't some of them were desperate they starved themselves thin or pumped their breasts full of silicone had their noses cut off think of the human misery he waved a hand at his stacks of old magazines they were always complaining problems this problems that remember the ads and the personal columns bright attractive woman 35 this way they all get a man nobody's left out and then if they did marry they could be left with a kid two kids the husband might just get fed up and take off disappear they'd have to go on welfare or else he'd stay around and beat them up or if they had a job the children in daycare or left with some brutal ignorant woman and they'd have to pay for that themselves out of their wretched little paychecks money was the only measure of worth for everyone they got no respect as mothers no wonder they were giving up on the whole business this way they're protected they can fulfill their biological Destinies and peace with full support and encouragement now tell me you're an intelligent person I like to hear what you think what did we overlook love I said love said the commander what kind of love Falling in Love I said the commander looked at me with his candid boy's eyes oh yes he said I've read the magazines that's what they were pushing wasn't it look at the stats my dear was it really worth it Falling in Love arranged marriages have always worked out just as well if not better love sit down Lydia with distaste don't let me catch you at it no mooning and jooning around here girls wagging her finger at us love is not the point those years were just an anomaly historically speaking Ender said just a fluke all we've done is return things to Nature's Norm women's praveaganzas are for group weddings like this usually the men's are for military victories these are the things we are supposed to rejoice in the most respectively sometimes though for the women therefore a nun who were cans most of that happened earlier when they were rounding them up but they still unearth a few these days dredge them up from underground where they've been hiding like moles they have that look about them too we guide stunned by too much light the old ones they send off to the colonies right away but the young fertile ones they try to convert and when they succeed we all come here to watch them go through the ceremony renounce their celibacy sacrifice it to the common good they kneel and the commander prays and then they take the red Veil as the rest of us have done they aren't allowed to become wives though they're considered still too dangerous for positions of such power there's an odor of which about them something mysterious and exotic it remains despite the scrubbing and the welts on their feet and the time they've spent in solitary they always have those welts they've always done that time so rumor goes they don't let go easily many of them choose the colonies instead none of us likes to draw one for a shopping partner they are more broken than the rest of us it's hard to feel comfortable with them the mothers have stood the white veiled girls in place and have returned to their chairs there's a little crying going on among them some mutual padding and hand-holding the ostentatious use of handkerchiefs the commander continues with the service I will that women Adorn themselves in modest apparel he says with shame-facedness and sobriety not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly array but which becometh women professing godliness with good works let the woman learn in Silence with all subjection here he looks us over all he repeats but I suffer not a woman to teach nor to usurp authority over the man but to be in silence for Adam was first formed then Eve and Adam was not deceived but the woman being deceived was in the transgression notwithstanding she shall be saved by childbearing if they continue in faith and charity and Holiness with sobriety saved by childbearing I think what did we suppose would save us in the time before he should tell that to the wives of Glenn murmurs when they're into the Sherry she means the part about sobriety it's safe to talk again the commander has finished the main ritual and they're doing the Rings lifting the veils boo boo I think in my head take a good look because it's too late now the angels will qualify for handmaids later especially if their new wives can't produce but you girls are stuck what you see is what you get zits and all but you aren't expected to love him you'll find that out soon enough just do your duty in silence when in doubt when flat on your back you can look at the ceiling who knows what you may see up there funeral reads and Angels constellations of dust Stellar or otherwise the puzzles left by spiders there's always something to occupy the inquiring mind is anything wrong dear the old joke went no why you moved just don't move what we're aiming for says Aunt Lydia is a spirit of camaraderie among women we must all pull together camaraderie says Moira through the hole in the toilet cubicle right on it Lydia as they used to say how much you want to bet she's got your knee down on her knees what you think they get up to in that office of hers I bet she's got her working away on that dried up hairy old withered Moira I say Moira what she Whispers you know you've thought it it doesn't do any good to talk like that I say feeling nevertheless the impulse to giggle but I still pretended to myself then that we should try to preserve something resembling dignity you were always such a wimp Moira says but with affection it does so do good it does and she's right I know that now as I kneel on this undeniably hard floor listening to the ceremony drone on there is something powerful in the whispering of obscenities about those in power there's something delightful about it something naughty secretive forbidden thrilling it's like a spell of sorts it deflates them reduces them to the common denominator where they can be dealt with in the paint of the washroom cubicle someone unknown had scratched Aunt Lydia sucks it was like a flag waved from a Hilltop in Rebellion the mere idea of Aunt Lydia doing such a thing was in itself heartening so now I imagine among these angels in their drained white Brides momentous Grunts and sweating damp furry encounters or better ignominious failures like three week old carrots anguished fumblings upon flesh cold and unresponding as uncooked fish when it's over at last and we are walking out avglen says to me in her light penetrating whisper we know you're seeing him alone who I say resisting the urge to look at her I know who your commander she says we know you have been I ask her how we just know she says what does he want kinky sex it would be hard to explain to her what he does want because I still have no name for it how can I describe what really goes on between us she would laugh for one thing it's easier for me to say in a way that at least has the Dignity of coercion she thinks about this you'd be surprised she says how many of them do I can't help it I say I can't say I won't go she ought to know that we're on the sidewalk now and it's not safe to talk we're too close to the others and the protective Whispering of the crowd is gone we walk in silence lagging behind until finally she judges she can say of course you can't but find out and tell us find out what I say I feel rather than see this light turning of her head anything you can chapter 35. now there's a space to be filled in the too warm air of my room and a time also a space-time between here and now and there and then punctuated by dinner the arrival of the tray carried up the stairs as if for an invalid an invalid one who has been invalidated no valid passport no exit that was what happened the day we tried to cross at the border with our fresh passports that said we were not who we were that Luke for instance had never been divorced that we were therefore lawful under the new law the man went inside with our passports after we'd explained about the picnic and he glanced into the car and seen our daughter asleep in her zoo of mangy animals Luke patted my arm and got out of the car as if to stretch his legs and watched the man through the window of the immigration building stayed in the car I lit a cigarette to steady myself and Drew the smoke in a long breath of counterfeit relaxation I was watching two soldiers in the unfamiliar uniforms that were Beginning by then to be familiar they were standing idly beside the yellow and black striped lift up barrier they weren't doing much one of them was watching a flock of birds Galls lifting and editing and landing on the bridge railing Beyond watching him I watched them too everything was the color it usually is only brighter it's going to be all right I said prayed in my head I'll let it let us cross let us across Justice once and I'll do anything what I thought I could do for whoever was listening that would be of the least use or even interest I'll never know then Luke got back into the car too fast and turned the key in reversed he was picking up the phone he said and then he began to drive very quickly and after that there was the dirt road and the woods and we jumped out of the car and began to run a cottage to hide in a boat I don't know what we thought he said the passports were foolproof and we had so little time to plan maybe he had a plan a map of some kind in his head as for me I was only running away I don't want to be telling this story I don't have to tell it I don't have to tell anything to myself or to anyone else I could just sit here peacefully I could withdraw it's possible to go so far in so far down and back they could never get you out nolita's Carver and dorm fat lot of good it did her why fight that will never do love said the commander that's better that's something I know about we can talk about that Falling in Love I said falling into it we all did then one way or another how could he have made such light of it sneered even as if it was trivial for us a frill a whim it was on the contrary heavy going it was the central thing it was the way you understood yourself if it never happened to you not ever you would be like a mutant a creature from outer space everyone knew that falling in love we said I fell for him we were falling women we believed in it this downward motion so lovely like flying and yet at the same time so dire so extreme so unlikely God is love they said once but we reversed that and Love Like Heaven was always just around the corner the more difficult it was to love the particular man beside us the more we believed in love abstract and total we were waiting always for the Incarnation that word made flesh and sometimes it happened for a Time that kind of love comes and goes and is hard to remember afterwards like pain you would look at the man one day and you would think I loved you and the tense would be passed and you would be filled with a sense of wonder because it was such an amazing and precarious and dumb thing to have done and you would know too why your friends had been evasive about it at the time there is a good deal of comfort now in Remembering this or sometimes even when you were still loving still falling you'd wake up in the middle of the night when the Moonlight was coming through the window onto his sleeping face making the shadows and the sockets of his eyes darker and more cavernous than in daytime and you'd think who knows what they do on their own or with other men who knows what they say or where they're likely to go who can tell what they really are under their dailyness likely you would think at those times what if he doesn't love me or you'd remember stories you'd read in the newspapers about women who had been found often women but sometimes they would be men or children that was the worst in ditches or forests or refrigerators and abandoned rented rooms with their clothes on or off sexually abused or not at any rate killed there were places you didn't want to walk precautions you took that had to do with locks on Windows and Doors drawing the curtains leaving on lights things you did were like prayers you did them and you hoped they would save you and for the most part they did or something did you could tell by the fact that you were still alive but all of that was pertinent only in the night and had nothing to do with the man you loved at least in daylight with that man you wanted it to work to work out working out was also something you did to keep your body in shape for the man if you worked out enough maybe the man would too maybe you would be able to work it out together as if the two of you were a puzzle that could be solved otherwise one of you would go wandering off on a trajectory of his own taking his addictive body with him and leaving you with bad withdrawal which you could counteract by exercise if you didn't work it out it was because one of you had the wrong attitude everything that went on in your life was thought to be due to some positive or negative power emanating from inside your head if you don't like it change it we said to each other and to ourselves and so we would change the man for another one change we were sure was for the better always we were revisionists what we revised was ourselves strange to remember how we used to think as if everything were available to us as if there were no contingencies No Boundaries as if we were free to shape and reshape forever the ever-expanding perimeters of Our Lives I was like that too I did that too Luke was not the first man for me and he might not have been the last if he hadn't been frozen that way stop dead in time in midair among the trees back there in the act of falling in former times they would send you a little package of the belongings what he had with him when he died that's what they would do in Wartime my mother said how long were you supposed to mourn and what did they say make your life a tribute to the loved one and he was beloved one is I say is is only two letters you stupid can't you manage to remember it even a short word like that I wipe my sleeve across my face once I wouldn't have done that for fear of smearing but now nothing comes off whatever expression is there unseen by me is real you'll have to forgive me I'm a refugee from the past and like other refugees I go over the customs and habits of being I've left or been forced to leave behind me and it all seems just as quaint from here and I am just as obsessive about it like a white russian drinking tea in Paris marooned in the 20th century I wander back try to regain Those Distant pathways I become too Maudlin Lose Myself weep weeping is what it is not crying I sit in this chair and ooze like a sponge so more waiting lady in waiting that's what they used to call those stores where you could buy maternity clothes woman in Waiting sounds more like someone in a train station waiting is also a place it is wherever you wait for me it's this room I am a blank here between parentheses between other people the knock comes at my door Cora with the tray but it isn't quora I've brought it for you says Serena Joy and then I look up and around and get out of my chair and come towards her she's holding it a Polaroid print square and glossy so they still make them cameras like that and there will be family albums too with all the children in them no handmaids though from the point of view of future history this kind will be invisible but the children will be in them all right something for the wives to look at downstairs nibbling at the buffet and waiting for the birth you can only have it for a minute Serena Joy says her voice low and conspiratorial I have to return it before they know it's missing it must have been a Martha who got it for her there's a network of the marthas then with something in it for them that's nice to know I take it from her turn it around so I can see it right side up is this her is this what she's like my treasure so tall and changed smiling a little now so soon and in her white dress as if for an olden days First Communion time has not Stood Still it has washed over me washed me away as if I'm nothing more than a woman of sand left by a careless child too near the water I have been obliterated for her I am only a shadow now far back behind the glib shiny surface of this photograph a shadow of a shadow as Dead Mothers become you can see it in her eyes I am not there but she exists in her white dress she grows and lives isn't that a good thing a blessing still I can't bear it to have been a race like that better she'd brought me nothing I sit at the little table eating creamed corn with a fork I have a fork and a spoon but never a knife when there's meat they cut it up for me ahead of time as if I'm lacking manual skills or teeth I have both however that's why I'm not allowed a knife chapter 36. I knock on his door hear his voice adjust my face go in he's standing by the fireplace in his hand he's got an almost empty drink he usually waits till I get here to start on the hard liquor though I know they have wine with dinner his face is a little flushed I try to estimate how many he's had greetings he says how is the fair little one this evening a few I can tell by the elaborateness of the smile he composes and aims he's in the courtly phase I'm fine hey up for a little excitement pardon I say behind this act of his I sense embarrassment an uncertainty about how far he can go with me and in what direction tonight I have a little surprise for you he says he laughs it's more like a Snicker I noticed that everything this evening is little he wishes to diminish things myself included something you'll like what's that I say Chinese checkers I can take these Liberties he appears to enjoy them especially after a couple of drinks he prefers me frivolous something better he says attempting to be tantalizing I can hardly wait good he says he goes to his desk fumbles with a drawer then he comes towards me one hand behind his back guess he says animal vegetable or mineral I say oh animal he says with mock gravity definitely animal I'd say he brings his hand out from behind his back he's holding a handful it seems of feathers move in pink now he shakes this out it's a garment apparently and for a woman there are the cups for the breasts covered in purple sequins the sequins are tiny stars feathers are around the thigh holes and along the top so I wasn't that wrong about the girdle after all I wonder where he found it all such clothing was supposed to have been destroyed I remember seeing that on television in news Clips filmed in one city after another in New York it was called The Manhattan cleanup there were bonfires in Times Square crowds chanting around them women throwing their arms up thankfully into the air when they felt the cameras on them clean cut stony-faced young men tossing things onto the flames armfuls of silk and nylon and fake fur lime green red violet black satin gold Lemay glittering silver bikini Underpants see-through brass ears with pink satin Hearts sewn on to cover the nipples and the manufacturers and importers and salesmen down on their knees repenting in public conical paper hats like dunce hats on their heads shame printed on them in red but some items must have survived the burning they couldn't possibly have got it all he must have come by this in the same way he came by the magazines not honestly it reeks of black market and it's not new it's been worn before the cloth under the arms is crumpled and slightly stained with some other woman's sweat I had to guess the size he says I hope it fits you expect me to put that on I say I know my voice sounds prudish disapproving still there is something attractive in the idea I've never worn anything remotely like this so glittering and Theatrical and that's what it must be an old theater costume or something from a vanished nightclub Act the closest I ever came were bathing suits and a camisole set Peach lace that Luke bought for me once yet there's an enticement in this thing it carries with it the childish Allure of dressing up would be so flaunting such a sneer at the ants so sinful so free Freedom like everything else is relative well I say not wishing to seem too eager I want him to feel I'm doing him a favor now we may come to it his deep down real desire does he have a pony whip hidden behind the door will he produce boots Bend himself or me over the desk guys he says you'll need to paint your face too I've got the stuff for it you'll never get in without it and where I ask tonight I'm taking you out out it's an archaic phrase surely there is nowhere anymore where a man can take a woman out of here he says I know without being told that what he's proposing is risky for him but especially for me but I want to go anyway I want anything that breaks the monotony subverts the perceived respectable Order of Things I tell him I don't want him to watch Me While I put this thing on I'm still shy in front of him about my body he says he will turn his back and does so and I take off my shoes and stockings and my cotton Underpants and Slide the feathers on Under the Tent of my dress then I take off the dress itself and slip the thin sequin straps over my shoulders there are shoes too move ones with absurdly high heels nothing quite fits the shoes are a little too big the waist on the costume is too tight but it will do there I say and he turns around I feel stupid I want to see myself in a mirror Charming he says now for the face all he has is a lipstick old and runny and smelling of artificial grapes and some eyeliner and mascara no eyeshadow no blusher for a moment I think I won't remember how to do any of this and my first try with the eyeliner leaves me with a smudged black lid as if I've been in a fight but I wipe it off with the vegetable oil hand lotion and try again I rubbed some of the lipstick along my cheekbones blending it in while I do all this he holds a large silver backed hand mirror for me I recognize it as Serena choice he must have borrowed it from her room nothing can be done about my hair terrific he says by this time he's quite excited it's as if we're dressing for a party he goes to the cupboard and gets out a cloak with a hood it's light blue the color for wives this too must be Serena's pull the hood down over your face he says try not to smear the makeup it's for getting through the checkpoints but what about my past I say don't worry about that he says I've got one for you and so we set out we Glide together through the darkening streets the commander has hold of my right hand as if we're teenagers at the movies I clutch the sky blue Cape tightly about me as a good wife should through the tunnel made by the hood I can see the back of Nick's head his hat is on straight he's sitting up straight his neck is straight he is all very straight his posture disapproves of me or am I imagining it does he know what I've got on under this cloak did he procure it and if so does this make him angry or lustful or envious or anything at all we do have something in common both of us are supposed to be invisible both of us are functionaries I wonder if he knows this when he opened the door of the car for the commander and by extension for me I tried to catch his eye make him look at me but he acted as if he didn't see me why not it's a soft job for him running little errands doing little favors and there's no way he'd want to jeopardize it the checkpoints are no problem everything goes as smoothly as the commander said it would despite the heavy pounding the pressure of blood in my head chicken Moira would say pass the second checkpoint Nick says here sir and the commander says yes the car pulls over and the commander says now I'll have to ask you to get down onto the floor of the car down I say we have to go through the Gateway he says as if this means something to me I tried to ask him where we were going but he said he wanted to surprise me wives aren't allowed so I flattened myself and the car starts again and for the next few minutes I see nothing under the cloak it's stifling hot it's a winter cloak not a cotton summer one and it smells of mothballs he must have borrowed it from Storage knowing she wouldn't notice he has considerately moved his feet to give me room nevertheless my forehead is against his shoes I have never been this close to his shoes before they feel hard unwinking like the shells of beetles black polished and screwable they seem to have nothing to do with feet we pass through another checkpoint I hear the voices impersonal deferential and the window rolling electrically down and up for the passes to be shown this time he won't show mine the one that's supposed to be mine as I am no longer an official existence for now then the car starts and then it stops again and the commander is helping me up we'll have to be fast he says this is a back entrance you should leave the cloak with Nick on the hour as usual he says to Nick so this too is something he's done before he helps me out of the cloak the car door is opened I feel air on my almost bare skin and realize I've been sweating as I turn to shut the car door behind me I can see Nick looking at me through the glass he sees me now is it contempt I read or indifference is this merely what he expected of me we're in an Alleyway behind a building red brick and fairly modern a bank of trash cans is set out beside the door and there's a smell of fried chicken going bad the commander has a key to the door which is plain and gray and flush with the wall and I think made of steel inside it there's a concrete block Corridor lit with fluorescent overhead lights some kind of functional tunnel here the commander says he slips around my wrist a tag purple on an elastic band like the tags for airport luggage if anyone asks you say you're an evening rental he says he takes me by the bare upper arm and steers me forward what I want is a mirror to see if my lipstick is all right whether the feathers are too ridiculous too frozy in this light I must look lurid though it's too late now idiot says Moira chapter 37. we go along the corridor and through another flat gray door and along another Corridor softly lit and carpeted this time in a mushroom color brownie pink doors open off it with numbers on them 101 102 the way you count during a thunderstorm to see how close you are to being struck it's a hotel then from behind one of the doors comes laughter a man's and also a woman's it's a long time since I've heard that we emerge into a central Courtyard it's wide and also High it goes up several stories to a skylight at the top there's a fountain in the middle of it a round Fountain spraying water in the shape of a dandelion gone to seed potted plants and trees Sprout here and there Vines hang down from the balconies oval sided glass elevators slide up and down the Walls like giant mollusks I know where I am I've been here before with Luke in the afternoons a long time ago it was a hotel then now it's full of women I stand still and stare at them I can stare here look around me there are no white Wings to keep me from it my head sure enough them feels curiously light as if a weight has been removed from it or substance the women are sitting lounging strolling leaning against one another there are men mingled with them a lot of men but in their dark uniforms or suits so similar to one another they form only a kind of background the women on the other hand are tropical they are dressed in all kinds of bright festive gear some of them have on outfits like mine feathers and glister cut high up the thighs low over the breasts some are in olden days lingerie shorty nightgowns baby doll pajamas the occasional see-through negligee some are in bathing suits one piece or a bikini one I see is wearing a crocheted affair with big scalloped shells covering the tits summer in jogging shorts and Sun halters some in exercise costumes like the ones they used to show on television body tight with knitted pastel leg warmers there are even a few in cheerleaders outfits little pleated skirts outsized letters across the chest I guess they've had to fall back on a melange whatever they could scrounge or Salvage all wear makeup and I realize how unaccustomed I've become to seeing it on women because their eyes look too big to me too dark and shimmering their mouths too red too wet blood dipped and glistening or on the other hand to clownish at first glance there's a cheerfulness to this scene it's like a masquerade party they are like oversized children dressed up in togs they've rummaged from trunks is there joy in this could be but have they chosen it you can't tell by looking there are great many buttocks in this room I am no longer used to them it's like walking into the past says the commander his voice sounds pleased delighted even don't you think I try to remember if the past was exactly like this I'm not sure now I know it contained these things but somehow the mix is different a movie about the past is not the same as the past yes I say what I feel is not one simple thing certainly I am not dismayed by these women not shocked by them I recognize them as truance the official Creed denies them denies their very existence yet here they are that is at least something don't Gog says the commander you'll give yourself away just act natural again he leads me forward another man has spotted him has greeted him and set himself in motion towards us the Commander's grip tightens on my upper arm he whispers don't lose your nerve all you have to do I tell myself is keep your mouth shut and look stupid it shouldn't be that hard the commander does the talking for me to this man and to the others who follow him he doesn't say much about me he doesn't need to he says I'm new and they look at me and dismiss me and confer together about other things my disguise performs its function he retains hold of my arm and as he talks his spine straightens imperceptibly his chest expands his voice assumes more and more the sprightliness and jocularity of Youth it occurs to me he is showing off he is showing me off to them and they understand that they are decorous enough they keep their hands to themselves but they review my breasts my legs as if there's no reason why they shouldn't but also he is showing off to me he is demonstrating to me his Mastery of the world he's breaking the rules under their noses thumbing his nose at them getting away with it perhaps he's reached that state of intoxication which power is said to inspire the state in which you believe you are indispensable and can therefore do anything absolutely anything you feel like anything at all twice when you think someone is looking he Winks at me it's a juvenile display the whole act and pathetic but it's something I understand when he's done enough of this he leads me away again to a puffy flowered sofa of the kind they once had in hotel lobbies in this Lobby in fact it's a floral design I remember dark blue background pink Art Nouveau flowers I thought your feet might be getting tired he says in those shoes he's right about that and I'm grateful he sits me down and sits himself down beside me he puts an arm around my shoulders the fabric of his sleeve is raspy Against My Skin So unaccustomed lately to being touched well he says what do you think of our little Club I look around me again the men are not homogeneous as I first thought over by the fountain there's a group of Japanese in lightish Gray suits and in the far corner there's a splash of white Arabs in those long bathrobes they wear the headgear the stripes wet bands it's a club I say well that's what we call it among ourselves the club I thought this sort of thing was strictly forbidden I say well officially he says but everyone's Human After All I wait for him to elaborate on this but he doesn't so I say what does that mean it means you can't cheat nature he says nature demands variety for men it stands to reason it's part of the pro-creational strategy it's Nature's plan won't say anything so he goes on women know that instinctively why did they buy so many different clothes in the old days to trick the men into thinking they were several different women a new one each day he says this as if he believes it but he says many things that way maybe he believes it maybe he doesn't or maybe he does both at the same time impossible to tell what he believes so now that we don't have different clothes I say you merely have different women this is irony but he doesn't acknowledge it solves a lot of problems he says without a twitch I don't reply to this I am getting fed up with him I feel like freezing on him passing the rest of the evening in sulky wordlessness but I can't afford that and I know it whatever this is it's still an evening out what I'd really like to do is talk with the women but I see scant chance of that who are these people I asked him it's only for officers he says from all branches and Senior officials and trade delegations of course stimulates trade place to meet people you can hardly do business without it we try to provide at least as good as they can get elsewhere you can overhear things too information a man will sometimes tell a woman things he wouldn't tell another man no I say I mean the women oh he says well some of them are real pros working girls he laughs from the time before they couldn't be assimilated anyway most of them prefer it here and the others the others he says well we have quite a collection that one there the one in green she's a sociologist or was that one was a lawyer that one was in business an executive position some sort of fast food chain or maybe it was hotels I'm told you can have quite a good conversation with her if all you feel like is talking they prefer it here too prefer it to what I say to the Alternatives he says you might even prefer it yourself to what you've got he says this coily he's fishing he wants to be complimented and I know that the serious part of the conversation has come to an end I don't know I say as if considering it it might be hard work you'd have to watch your weight that's for sure he says they're strict about that gained 10 pounds and they put you in solitary is he joking most likely but I don't want to know he says to get you into the spirit of the place how about a little drink I'm not supposed to I say as you know once won't hurt he says anyway it wouldn't look right if you didn't no nicotine and alcohol taboos here you see they do have some advantages here all right I say secretly I like the idea I haven't had a drink for years what'll it be then he says they've got everything here imported uh gin and tonic I say but weak please I wouldn't want to disgrace you you won't do that he says grinning he stands up then surprisingly takes my hand and kisses it on the palm that he moves off heading for the bar he could have called over a waitress there are some of these an identical black mini skirts with pom-poms on their breasts but they seem busy and hard to flag down then I see her Moira she's standing with two other women over near the fountain I have to look hard again to make sure it's her I do this in pulses quick flickers of the eyes so no one will notice she stressed absurdly in a black outfit of one shiny satin looks the worst for wear it's strapless Wired from the inside pushing up the breasts but it doesn't quite fit Moira it's too large so that one breast is plumped out and the other one isn't tugging absent-mindedly at the top pulling it up there's a wad of cotton attached to the back I can see it as she half turns it looks like a sanitary pad that's been popped like a piece of popcorn I realize that it's supposed to be a tail attached to her head or two ears of a rabbit or deer it's not easy to tell one of the years has lost its starch or wiring and is flopping halfway down she has a black bow tie around her neck and is wearing black net stockings and black high heels she always hated high heels the whole costume antique and bizarre reminds me of something from the past but I can't think what a stage play a musical comedy girls dressed for Easter in rabbit suits what is the significance of it here why are rabbits supposed to be sexually attractive to men how can this be draggled costume appeal Moira is smoking a cigarette he takes a drag passes it to the woman on her left who's in red Spangles with a long pointed tail attached and silver horns a devil outfit now she has her arms folded across her front under her wired up breasts she stands on one foot then the other her feet must hurt spine sag slightly she gazes without interest or speculation around the room this must be familiar scenery I will her to look at me to see me but her eyes slide over me as if I'm just another palm tree another chair surely she must turn I'm willing so hard she must look at me before one of the men comes over to her before she disappears already the other woman with her the blonde and the short pink bed jacket with the Tatty fur trim has been appropriated has entered the glass elevator as ascended out of sight Moira swivels her head around again checking perhaps for prospects it must be hard to stand there unclaimed as if she's at a high school dance being looked over this time her eyes snag on me she sees me she knows enough not to react we stare at one another keeping our faces blank apathetic then she makes a small motion of her head a slight jerk to the right takes the cigarette back from The Woman in Red holds it to her mouth lets her hand rest in the air a moment all five fingers outspread then she turns her back on me our old signal I have five minutes to get to the women's washroom which must be somewhere to her right I look around no sign of it nor can I risk getting up and walking anywhere without the commander I don't know enough I don't know the ropes I might be challenged a minute to Moira begins to saunter off not glancing around she can only hope I've understood her and will follow the commander comes back with two drinks he smiles down at me places the drinks on the long black coffee table in front of the sofa sits enjoying yourself he says he wants me to this after all is a treat I smile at him is there a washroom I say of course he says he sips at his drink he does not volunteer directions I need to go to it I'm counting in my head now seconds not minutes it's over there he nods what if someone stops me just show them your tag he says it'll be all right they'll know you're taken I get up wobble across the room I Lurch a little near the fountain almost fall it's the heels without the Commander's arm to steady me I'm off balance several of the men look at me with surprise I think rather than lust for I hold my left arm conspicuously in front of me bent at the elbow with the tag turned outwards nobody says anything chapter 38. I find the entrance to the women's washroom still says ladies and scrolly gold script there's a corridor leading into the door and a woman seated at a table beside it supervising the entrances and exits she's an older woman wearing a purple caftan and gold eyeshadow but I can tell she is nevertheless an ant the cattle broads on the table it's thong around her wrist No Nonsense here 15 minutes she says to me she gives me an oblong of purple cardboard from a stack of them on the table it's like a fitting room in the department stores of the time before to the woman behind me I hear her say you were just here I need to go again the woman says rest break once an hour says the end you know the rules the woman begins to protest in a whiny desperate voice I push open the door I remember this there's a rest area gently lit in pinkish tones with several easy chairs and a sofa and lime green bamboo shoot print with a wall clock above it and a gold filigree frame here they haven't removed the mirror there's a long one opposite the sofa you need to know here what you look like through an archway Beyond there's the row of toilet cubicles also pink and wash basins and more mirrors several women are sitting in the chairs and on the sofa with their shoes off smoking they stare at me as I come in there's perfume in the air and stale smoke and the scent of working flesh you knew one of them says yes I say looking around for Moira who is nowhere in sight the women don't smile they return to their smoking as if it's serious business in the room Beyond a woman in a cat suit with a tail made of orange fake Furs redoing her makeup this is like backstage grease pain smoke the materials of Illusion I stand hesitant not knowing what to do I don't want to ask about Moira I don't know whether it's safe then a toilet flushes and Moira comes out of a pink cubicle she Teeters towards me I wait for a sign it's all right she says to me and to the other women I know her the others smile now and Moira hugs me my arms go around her the wire is propping up her breasts dig into my chest we kiss each other on One Cheek than the other then we stand back God awful she says she grins at me you look like the of Babylon isn't that what I'm supposed to look like I say you look like something the Cat Dragged In yes she says pulling up her front not my style and this thing is about to fall to shreds I wish they'd dredge up someone who still knows how to make them then I could get something halfway decent you picked that out I say I wonder if maybe she's chosen it out of the others because it was less garish at least it's only black and white hell no she says government issue I guess they thought it was me I still can't believe it's her I touch her arm again then I begin to cry don't do that she says your eyes will run anyway there isn't time shove over this she says to the two women on the sofa her usual peremptory rough cut slap Dash Manor and as usual she gets away with it my break's up anyway says one woman who's wearing a baby blue laced up Mary Widow and white stockings she stands up shakes my hand welcome she says The Other Woman obligingly moves over and Moira and I sit down the first thing we do is take off our shoes hell are you doing here Moira says then not that it isn't great to see you but it's not so great for you what'd you do wrong laugh at his dick I look up at the ceiling is it bugged I say I wipe around my eyes gingerly with my fingertips black comes off probably says Maura you want to sing I'd love one I say here she says to the woman next to her lend me one will you the woman hands over on grudging Moira is still a skillful borrower I smile at that on the other hand it might not be says Moira I can't imagine they'd care about anything we have to say they've already heard most of it and anyway nobody gets out of here except in a black fan but you must know that if you're here I pull her head over so I can whisper in her ear I'm temporary I tell her it's just tonight I'm not supposed to be here at all he smuggled me in oh she Whispers back that you're with I've had him he's the pits he's my commander I say she nods some of them do that they get a kick out of it it's like screwing on the altar or something your gang are supposed to be such chaste vessels they like to see you all painted up just another crummy Power Trip this interpretation hasn't occurred to me I apply it to the commander but it seems too simple for him too crude surely his motivations are more delicate than that but it may only be vanity that prompts me to think so we don't have much time left I say tell me everything Moira shrugs what's the point she says but she knows there is a point so she does this is what she says Whispers more or less I can't remember exactly because I had no way of writing it down I filled it out for her as much as I can we didn't have much time so she just gave the outlines also she told me this in two sessions we managed a second break together I've tried to make it sound as much like her as I can it's a way of keeping her alive I left that old hag and Elizabeth tied up like a Christmas turkey behind the furnace I wanted to kill her I really felt like it but now I'm just as glad I didn't or things would be a lot worse for me I couldn't believe how easy it was to get out of the center in that brown outfit I just walked right through I kept on going as if I knew where I was heading till I was out of sight I didn't have any great plan it wasn't an organized thing like they thought though when they were trying to get it out of me I made up a lot of stuff you do that when they use the electrodes and the other things you don't care what you say I kept my shoulders back and chin up and marched along trying to think of what to do next when they busted the Press they'd picked up a lot of the women I knew and I thought they'd most likely have the rest by now I was sure they had a list we were dumb to think we could keep it going the way we did even Underground even when we'd moved everything out of the office and into people's Cellars and back rooms so I knew better than to try any of those houses I had some sort of an idea of where I was in relation to the city though I was walking along the street I couldn't remember having seen before but I figured out from the Sun where North was Girl Scouts was some use after all I thought I might as well head that way see if I could find the yard or the square or anything around it then I would know for sure where I was also I thought it would look better for me to be going in towards the center of things rather than away it would look more plausible they'd set up more checkpoints while we were inside the center they were all over the place the first one scared the out of me I came on it suddenly around a corner I knew it wouldn't look right if I turned around in full View and went back so I bluffed it through the same as I had at the gate putting on that frown and keeping myself stiff and pursing my lips and looking right through them as if they were festering sores you know the way the ants look when they say the word man it worked like a charm and it did at the other checkpoints too but the insides of my head were going around like crazy I only had so much time before they found the old bat and sent out the alarm soon enough they'd be looking for me one fake ant on foot I tried to think of someone I ran over and over the people I knew At Last I tried to remember what I could about our mailing list we destroyed it of course early on or we didn't destroy it we divided it up Among Us in each one of us memorized a section and then we destroyed it we were still using the males then but we didn't put our logo on the envelopes anymore it was getting far too risky so I tried to recall my section of a lisp I won't tell you the name I chose because I don't want them to get in trouble if they haven't already it could be I've spilled all this stuff it's hard to remember what you say when they're doing it you'll say anything I chose them because they were a married couple and those were safer than anyone single and especially anyone gay also I remembered the designation beside their name Q it said which meant quicker we had the religious nominations marked where there were any for marches that way you could tell who might turn out to what it was no good calling on the Seas to do abortion stuff for instance not that we'd done much of that lately I remembered their address too we've grilled each other on those addresses it was important to remember them exactly zip code and all by this time I'd hit Mass Avenue and I knew where I was and I knew where they were too now I was worrying about something else when these people saw an ant coming up the walk wouldn't they just lock the door and pretend not to be home but I had to try it anyway it was my only chance I figured they weren't likely to shoot me it was about five o'clock by this time I was tired of walking especially that ant sway like a goddamn Soldier poker up the ass and I hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast what I didn't know of course was that in those early days the ants and even the center were hardly common knowledge it was all secret at first behind barbed wire there might have been objections to what they were doing even then so although people had seen the odd ant around they weren't really aware of what they were for they must have thought they were some kind of Army Nurse already they'd stopped asking questions unless they had to so these people let me in right away it was the woman who came to the door I told her I was doing a questionnaire I did that so she wouldn't look surprised in case anyone was watching but as soon as I was inside the door I took off the headgear and told him who I was they could have phoned the police or whatever I know I was taking a chance but like I say there wasn't any choice anyway they didn't they gave me some clothes a dress of hers and burned the ants outfit and the pass in their furnace they knew that had to be done right away they didn't like having me there that much was clear it made them very nervous they had two little kids both under seven I could see their point I went to the can what a relief that was bathtub full of plastic fish and so on then I sat upstairs in the kid's room and played with them and their plastic blocks while their parents stayed downstairs and decided what to do about me I didn't feel scared by then in fact I felt quite good fatalistic you could say then the woman made me a sandwich and a cup of coffee and the man said he'd take me to another house they hadn't risked phoning the other house was Quakers too and they were petered because they were a station on the underground female Road after the first man left they said they'd try to get me out of the country I won't tell you how because some of the stations may still be operating each one of them was in contact with only one other one always the next one along there were advantages to that it was better if you were caught but disadvantages too because if one station got busted the entire chain backed up until they could make contact with one of their couriers who could set up an alternate route they were better organized than you'd think though they'd infiltrated a couple of useful places one of them was the post office they had a driver there with one of those handy little trucks I made it over the bridge and into the city proper in a male sack I can tell you that now because they got him soon after that he ended up on the wall you hear about these things you hear a lot in here you'd be surprised the commanders tell us themselves I guess they figure why not there's no one we can pass it on to except each other that doesn't count I'm making this sound easy but it wasn't I nearly shot bricks the whole time one of the hardest things was knowing that these other people were risking their lives for you when they didn't have to but they said they were doing it for religious reasons and I shouldn't take it personally that helps them they had silent prayers every evening I found that hard to get used to it first because it reminded me too much of that at the center it made me feel sick to my stomach to tell you the truth I had to make an effort tell myself that this was a whole other thing I hated it at first but I figure it was what kept them going they knew more or less what would happen to them if they got caught not in detail but they knew by that time they'd started putting some of it on the TV the trials and so forth it was before the sectarian roundups began in Earnest as long as you said you were some sort of a Christian and you were married for the first time that is they were still leaving you pretty much alone they were concentrating first on the others they got them more or less under control before they started it on everybody else I was underground it must have been eight or nine months I was taken from one safe house to another there were more of those then they weren't all Quakers some of them weren't even religious they were just people who didn't like the way things were going I almost made it out they got me up as far as Salem then in a truck full of chickens into Maine I almost puked from the smell you ever thought what it would be like to be shat on by a truckload of chickens all of them carsick they were planning to get me across the border there not by car or truck that was already too difficult but by boat up the coast I didn't know that until the actual night they never told you the next step until right before it was happening were careful that way so I don't know what happened maybe somebody got cold feet about it or somebody outside got suspicious or maybe it was the boat maybe they thought the guy was out in his boat at night too much by that time it must have been crawling with eyes up there and everywhere else close to the Border whatever it was they picked us up just as we were coming out the back door to go down to the dock me and the guy and his wife too they were an older couple in their 50s he'd been in the lobster business back before all that happened to the shore fishing there I don't know what became of them after that because they took me in a separate van I thought it might be the end for me or back to the center in the attentions of Aunt Lydia and her steel cable she enjoyed that you know she pretended to do all that love the sinner hate the sin stuff she enjoyed it I did consider offing myself and maybe I would have if there'd been any way but they had two of them in the back of the van with me watching me like a hog didn't say a hell of a lot just sat and watched me in that walleyed way they have so it was no go we didn't end up at the center though we went somewhere else I won't go into what happened after that I'd rather not talk about it all I can say is they didn't leave any marks when that was over they showed me a movie know what it was about it was about life in the colonies in the colonies they spend their time cleaning up they're very clean-minded these days sometimes it's just bodies after a battle the ones in City ghettos are the worst they're left around longer they get rottener this Bunch doesn't like dead bodies lying around they're afraid of a plague or something so the women in the colonies there do the burning the other colonies are worse though the toxic dumps and the radiation spills they figure you've got three years maximum at those before your nose falls off and your skin pulls away like rubber gloves they don't bother to feed you much or give you protective clothing or anything it's cheaper not to anyway they're mostly people they want to get rid of they say there's other colonies not so bad where they do agriculture cotton and tomatoes and all that those weren't the ones they showed me the movie about it's old women I bet you've been wondering why you haven't seen too many of those around anymore and handmaids who've screwed up their three chances and incorrigibles like me discards all of us they're sterile of course if they aren't that way to begin with they are after they've been there for a while when they're unsure they do a little operation on you so there won't be any mistakes I'd say it's about a quarter men in the colonies too not all of those gender Traders end up on the wall all of them wear long dresses like the ones at the center only Gray women and the men too judging from the group shots I guess it's supposed to demoralize the men having to wear a dress it would demoralize me enough how do you stand it everything considered I like this outfit better so after that they said I was too dangerous to be allowed the privilege of returning to the red Center they said I would be a corrupting influence I had my choice they said this or the colonies well nobody but a nun would pick the colonies I mean I'm not a martyr if I'd had my tubes tied I wouldn't even have needed the operation nobody in here with viable ovaries either you can see what kind of problems it would cause so here I am they even give you face cream you should figure out some way of getting in here you'd have three or four good years before your snatchware is out and they send you to the Boneyard the food's not bad and there's drink and drugs if you want it and we only work nights Moira I say you don't mean that she's frightening me now because what I hear in her voice is indifference a lack of volition have they really done it to her then taken away something what that used to be so Central to her but how can I expect her to go on with my idea of her courage live it through act it out when I myself do not I don't want her to be like me give in go along save her skin that is what it comes down to I want gallantry from her swashbuckling heroism single-handed combat something I lack don't worry about me she says she must know some of what I'm thinking I'm still here you can see it's me anyway look at it this way it's not so bad there's lots of women around Butch Paradise you might call it now she's teasing showing some energy and I feel better do they let you I say what hell they encourage it know what they call this place among themselves Jezebels the ants figure were all damned anyway they've given up on us so it doesn't matter what sort of advice we get up to and the commanders don't give a piss what we do in our off time anyway women on women sort of turns them on what about the others I say put it this way she says they're not too fond of men she shrugs again it might be resignation here is what I'd like to tell I'd like to tell a story about how Moira escaped for good this time or if I couldn't tell that I'd like to say she blew up Jezebel's with 50 commanders inside it I'd like her to end with something daring and spectacular some outrage something that would befit her but as far as I know that didn't happen I don't know how she ended or even if she did because I never saw her again chapter 39. the commander has a room key he got it from the front desk while I waited on the flowered sofa he shows it to me slyly I am to understand we Ascend in the glass half egg of the elevator past the vine draped balconies I am to understand also that I am on display he unlocks the door of the room everything is the same the very same as it was once upon a time the drapes are the same the heavy flowered ones that match the bedspread orange poppies on royal blue and the thin white ones to draw against the Sun the bureau and bedside tables square cornered impersonal the lamps the pictures on the walls fruit in a bowl skylized apples flowers in a vase buttercups and Devil's paint brushes keyed to the drapes all is the same I tell the commander just a minute and go into the bathroom my ears are ringing from the smoke the Gin has filled me with lassitude I wet a washcloth and press it to my forehead after a while I looked to see if there are any little bars of soap and individual wrappers there are the kind with the Gypsy on them from Spain I breathe in the soap smell the disinfectant smell and stand in the white bathroom listening to the distant sounds of water running toilets being flushed in a strange way I feel comforted at home there is something reassuring about the toilets bodily functions at least remain democratic everybody shits as Moira would say I sit on the edge of the bathtub gazing at the blank towels once they would have excited me they would have meant the aftermath of love I saw your mother Moira said where I said I felt jolted thrown off I realized I'd been thinking of her as dead not in person it was in that film they showed us about the colonies there was a close-up it was her all right she was wrapped up in one of those gray things but I know it was her thank God I said why thank God said Moira I thought she was dead she might as well be said Maura you should wish it for her I can't remember the last time I saw her it Blends in with all the others it was some trivial occasion she must have dropped by she did that she breathed in and out of my house as if I were the mother and she were the child she still had that jauntiness sometimes when she was between Apartments just moving into one or just moving out she'd use my washer dryer for her laundry maybe she'd come over to borrow something from me a pod a hair dryer that too is a habit of hers I didn't know it would be the last time or else I would have remembered it better I can't even remember what we said a week later two weeks three weeks when things had become suddenly so much worse I tried to call her but there was no answer and no answer when I tried again Jen told me she was going anywhere but then maybe she wouldn't have she didn't always she had her own car and she wasn't too old to drive finally I got the apartment superintendent on the phone he said he hadn't seen her lately I was worried I thought maybe she'd had a heart attack or a stroke it wasn't out of the question though she hadn't been sick that I knew of she was always so healthy she still worked out at Nautilus and went swimming every two weeks I used to tell my friends she was healthier than I was and maybe it was true Luke and I drove across into the City and Luke bullied the superintendent into opening up the apartment she could be dead on the floor Luke said the longer you leave it the worse it'll be you thought of the smell the superintendent said something about needing a permit but Luke could be persuasive he made it clear we weren't going to wait or go away I started to cry maybe that was what finally did it when the man got the door open what we found was chaos it was Furniture overturned the mattress was ripped open bureau drawers upside down on the floor their contents strewn and mounded but my mother wasn't there I'm going to call the police I said I'd stop crying I felt cold from head to foot my teeth were chattering don't said Luke why not I said I was glaring at him I was angry now he stood there in the wreck of the living room just looking at me he put his hands into his pockets one of those aimless gestures people make when they don't know what else to do just don't is what he said your mother's neat Moira would say when we were at college later she's got pizzazz later still she's cute she's not cute I would say she's my mother gee said Mora you ought to see mine I think of my mother sweeping up deadly toxins the way they used to use up old women in Russia sweeping dirt only this dirt will kill her I can't quite believe it surely her cockiness her optimism and energy her pizzazz will get her out of this she will think of something but I know this isn't true it is just passing the buck as children do to mothers I've mourned for her already but I will do it again and again I bring myself back to the here to the hotel this is where I need to be now in this ample mirror under the white light I take a look at myself it's a good look slow and level I'm a wreck the mascara has smudged again despite moira's repairs the purplish lipstick is bled hair Trails aimlessly the molting pink feathers are tawdry as Carnival dolls and some of the starry sequins have come off probably they were off to begin with and I didn't notice I am a travesty in bad makeup and someone else's clothes used Glitz I wish I had a toothbrush I could stand here and think about it but time is passing I must be back at the house before midnight otherwise I'll turn into a pumpkin or was that the coach tomorrow is the ceremony according to the calendar so tonight Serena wants me serviced and if I'm not there she'll find out why and then what and the commander for a change is waiting I can hear him pacing in the main room now he pauses outside the bathroom door clears his throat a stagey um I turn on the hot water tap to signify Readiness or something approaching it I should get this over with I wash my hands I must beware of inertia when I come out he's lying down on the king-sized bed with high note his shoes off I lie down beside him I don't have to be told I would rather not but it's good to lie down I'm so tired alone at last I think the fact is that I don't want to be alone with him not on a bed I'd rather have Serena there too I'd rather play Scrabble but my silence does not deter him tomorrow isn't it he says Softly I thought we could jump the gun he turns towards me why did you bring me here I say coldly he's stroking my body now from stem as they say to stern cat stroke along the Left Flank down the left leg he stops at the foot his fingers encircling the ankle briefly like a bracelet where the tattoo is a braille he can read a cattle brand it means ownership I remind myself that he is not an unkind man that under other circumstances I even like him his hand pauses I thought you might enjoy it for a change he knows that isn't enough I guess it was a sort of experiment that isn't enough either you said you wanted to know he sits up begins to unbutton will this be worse to have him denuded of all his cloth power he's down to the shirt then under it sadly a little belly wisps of hair he pulls down one of my straps slides his other hand in among the feathers but it's no good I lie there like a dead bird he is not a monster I think I can't afford Pride or aversion there are all kinds of things that have to be discarded under the circumstances maybe I should turn the lights out says the commander dismayed and no doubt disappointed I see him for a moment before he does this without his uniform he looks smaller older like something being dried the trouble is that I can't be with him any different from the way I usually am with him usually I'm a nerd surely there must be something here for us other than this futility in bathos fake it I scream at myself inside my head you must remember how let's get this over with or you'll be here all night booster yourself move your flesh around breathe audibly it's the least you can do 13. night chapter 40. the heat at night is worse than the heat in daytime even with the fan on nothing moves and the walls store up warmth give it out like a used oven surely it will rain soon why do I want it it will only mean more dampness there's lightning far away but no Thunder looking out the window I can see it a glimmer like the phosphorescence you get in stirred sea water behind the sky which is overcast and too low and a dull gray infrared the searchlights are off which is not usual a power failure or else Serena Joy has arranged it I sit in the Darkness no point in having the light on to advertise the fact that I'm still awake I'm fully dressed in my red habit again having shed the Spangles scraped off the lipstick with toilet paper I hope nothing shows I hope I don't smell of it or of him either she's here at midnight as she said she'd be I can hear her a faint tapping a faint shuffling on the muffling rug of the corridor before her light knock comes I don't say anything but follow her back along the hall and down the stairs she can walk faster she's stronger than I thought her left hand clamps the banister in pain maybe but holding on studying her I think she's biting her lip She's suffering she wants it all right that baby I see the two of us a blue shape a red shape in the brief glass eye of the mirror as we descend myself my obverse we go out through the kitchen it's empty a dim nightlight's left on it has the calm of empty kitchens at night the bowls on the counter the canisters and stoneware jars Loom round and heavy through the shadowy light the knives are put away into their wooden rack I won't go outside with you she Whispers odd to hear her Whispering as if she is one of us usually wives do not lower their voices you go out through the door and turn right there's another door it's open go up the stairs and knock he's expecting you no one will see you I'll sit here she'll wait for me then in case there's trouble in case Cora and Rita wake up no one knows why come in from their room at the back of the kitchen what will she say to them that she couldn't sleep that she wanted some hot milk she'll be a Droid enough to lie well I can see that the commanders in his bedroom upstairs she says he won't come down this late he never does that's what she thinks I open the kitchen door step out wait a moment for vision it's so long since I've been outside alone at night now there's Thunder the storm's moving closer what has she done about the Guardians I could be shot for a Prowler paid them off somehow I hope cigarettes whiskey or maybe they know all about it her stud Farm maybe if this doesn't work she'll try them next the door to the garage is only steps away I cross feet noiseless on the grass and open it quickly slip inside the stairway is dark darker than I can see I feel my way up stare by stare carpet here I think of it as mushroom colored this must have been an apartment once for a student a young single person with a job a lot of the big houses around here add them a bachelor a studio those are the names for that kind of apartment it pleases me to be able to remember this separate entrance it would say in the ads and that meant you could have sex unobserved I reached the top of the stairs knock on the door there he opens it himself who else was I expecting there's a lamp on only one but enough light to make me blink I look past him not wanting to meet his eyes it's a single room with a fold-out bed made up and a kitchenette counter at the far end and another door that must lead to the bathroom this room is stripped down military minimal no pictures on the walls no plants he's camping out the blanket on the bed is gray and says us he steps back and aside to let me passed he's in his shirt sleeves and is holding a cigarette lit I smell the smoke on him in the warm air of the room all over I'd like to take off my clothes bathe in it rub it over my skin no preliminaries he knows why I'm here he doesn't even say anything why fool around it's an assignment he moves away from me turns off the lamp outside like punctuation there's a flash of lightning almost no pause and then the Thunder he's undoing my dress a man made of Darkness I can't see his face and I can hardly breathe hardly stand and I'm not standing his mouth is on me his hands I can't wait and he's moving already love it's been so long I'm alive in my skin again arms around him falling and water softly everywhere never ending I knew it might only be once I made that up it didn't happen that way here's what happened I reached the top of the stairs knock on the door he opens it himself there's a lamp on I blink I look past his eyes it's a single room the bed's made up stripped down military no pictures but the blanket says us he's in his shirt sleeves he's holding a cigarette here he says to me have a drag no preliminaries he knows why I'm here to get knocked up to get in trouble up the pole those were all names for it once I take the cigarette from him draw deeply in hand it back our fingers hardly touch even that much smoke makes me dizzy he says nothing just looks at me on smiling it would be better more friendly if he would touch me I feel stupid and ugly although I know I am not either still what does he think why doesn't he say something maybe he thinks I've been sledding around at Jezebel's with the commander or more it annoys me that I'm even worrying about what he thinks let's be practical I don't have much time I say this is awkward and clumsy it isn't what I mean I could just squirt it into a bottle and you could pour it in he says he doesn't smile there's no need to be brutal I say possibly he feels used possibly he wants something from me some emotion some acknowledgment that he too is human is more than just a seed pod I know it's hard for you I try he shrugs I get paid he says Punk surliness but still makes no move I get paid you get laid I rhyme in my head so that's how we're going to do it he didn't like the makeup the Spangles were going to be tough you come here often and what's a nice girl like me doing in a spot like this I reply we both smile this is better this is an acknowledgment that we are acting for what else can we do in such a setup absentence makes the heart grow fonder we're quoting from late movies from the time before and the movies then were from a time before that this sort of talk dates back to an Era well before our own not even my mother talk like that not when I knew her possibly nobody ever talked like that in real life it was all a fabrication from the beginning still it's amazing how easily it comes back to mind this corny and falsely gay sexual banter I can see now what it's for what it was always for to keep the core of yourself Out Of Reach enclosed protected I'm sad now the way we're talking is infinitely sad faded music faded paper flowers worn Satin an echo of an echo all gone away no longer possible without warning I begin to cry at last he moves forward puts his arms around me Strokes my back holds me that way for comfort come on he says we haven't got much time with his arm around my shoulders he leads me over to the fold-out bed lies me down even turns down the blanket first he begins to unbutton then to stroke kisses beside my ear no romance he says okay that would have meant something else once once it would have meant no strings now it means no heroics it means don't risk yourself for me if it should come to that And So It Goes and so I knew it might only be once goodbye I thought even at the time goodbye there wasn't any Thunder though I added that in to cover up the sounds which I am ashamed of making it didn't happen that way either I'm not sure how it happened not exactly all I can hope for is a reconstruction the way love feels is always only approximate part way through I thought about Serena Joy sitting down there in the kitchen thinking cheap they'll spread their legs for anyone all you need to give them is a cigarette and I thought afterwards this is a betrayal not the thing itself but my own response if I knew for certain he was dead would that make a difference like to be without shame I would like to be Shameless I would like to be ignorant then I would not know how ignorant I was 14. salvaging chapter 41. I wish this story were different I wish it were more civilized I wish it showed me in a better light if not happier than at least more active less hesitant less distracted by trivia I wish it had more shape I wish it were about love or about sudden realizations important to one's life or even about sunsets Birds rainstorms or snow maybe it is about those things in a sense but in the meantime there is so much else getting in the way so much whispering so much speculation about others so much gossip that cannot be verified so many unsaid words so much creeping about and secrecy and there's so much time to be endured time heavy is fried food or thick fog and then all at once these red events like explosions on streets otherwise decorous and matronly and some ambulant I'm sorry there is so much pain in this story I'm sorry it's in fragments like a body cotton Crossfire or pulled apart by force but there's nothing I can do to change it I've tried to put some of the good things in as well flowers for instance because where would we be without them nevertheless it hurts me to tell it over over again once was enough wasn't once enough for me at the time but I keep on going with this sad and hungry and sordid this limping and mutilated story because after all I want you to hear it as I will hear yours too if I ever get the chance if I meet you or if you escape in the future or in heaven or in prison or Underground some other place what they have in common is that they're not here by telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you I believe you're there I believe you into being because I'm telling you this story I will your existence I tell before you are so I will go on so I will myself to go on I'm coming to A Part you will not like at all because in it I did not behave well but I will try nonetheless to leave nothing out After all you've been through you deserve whatever I have left which is not much but includes the truth this is the story then I went back to Nick Time After Time on my own without Serena knowing it wasn't called for there was no excuse I did not do it for him but for myself entirely I didn't even think of it as giving myself to him because what did I have to give I did not feel munificent but thankful each time he would let me in he didn't have to in order to do this I became Reckless I took stupid chances after being with the commander I would go upstairs in the usual way but then I would go along the hall and down the Martha's stairs at the back and through the kitchen each time I would hear the kitchen door click shut behind me and I would almost turn back it sounded so metallic like a mouse trap or a weapon but I would not turn back I would hurry across the few feet of illuminated lawn the searchlights were back on again expecting at any moment to feel the bullets rip through me even in advance of their sound I would make my way by touch up the dark staircase and come to rest against the door the thought of blood in my ears fear is a powerful stimulant then I would knock softly a Beggar's knock each time I would expect him to be gone or worse I would expect him to say I could not come in he might say he wasn't going to break any more rules put his neck in the Noose for my sake or even worse tell me he was no longer interested his failure to do any of these things I experienced as the most incredible benevolence and luck I told you it was bad here's how it goes he opens the door he's in his shirt sleeves his shirt untucked hanging loose he's holding a toothbrush or a cigarette or a glass with something in it he has his own little stash up here Black Market stuff I suppose he's always got something in his hand as if he's been going about his life as usual not expecting me not waiting maybe he doesn't expect me or wait maybe he has no notion of the future or does not bother or dare to imagine it is it too late I say he shakes his head for no it is understood between us by now that it is never too late but I go through the ritual politeness of asking it makes me feel more in control as if there is a choice a decision that could be made one way or the other he steps aside and I move past him and he closes the door then he crosses the room and closes the window after that he turns out the light there is not much talking between us anymore not at this stage already I am half out of my clothes we save the talking for later with the commander I close my eyes even when I am only kissing him good night I do not want to see him up close but now here each time I keep my eyes open I would like a light on somewhere a candle perhaps stuck into a bottle some echo of college but anything like that would be too great a risk so I have to make do with the Searchlight the glow of it from the grounds below filtered through his white curtains which are the same as mine I want to see what can be seen of him take him in memorize him save him up so I can live on the image later the lines of his body the texture of his flesh the glisten of sweat on his Pelt his long sardonic unrevealing face I ought to have done that with Luke paid more attention to the details the moles and scars the singular creases I didn't and he's fading day by day night by night he recedes and I become more faithless for this one I'd wear pink feathers purple stars if that were what he wanted or anything else even the tail of a rabbit but he does not require such trimmings we make love each time as if we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there will never be any more for either of us with anyone ever and then when there is that too is always a surprise extra a gift being here with him is safety it's a cave where we huddle together while the storm goes on outside this is a delusion of course this room is one of the most dangerous places I could be if I were caught there would be no quarter but I'm beyond caring and how have I come to trust him like this which is foolhardy in itself how can I assume I know him or the least thing about him and what he really does I dismiss these uneasy Whispers I talk too much I tell him things I shouldn't I tell him about Moira about off Glenn not about Luke though I want to tell him about the woman in my room the one who was there before me but I don't I'm jealous of her if she's been here before me too in this bed I don't want to hear about it I tell him my real name and feel that therefore I am known I act like a dunce I should know better I make of him an idol a cardboard cutout he on the other hand talks little no more hedging or jokes he barely asks questions he seems indifferent to most of what I have to say alive only to the possibilities of my body though he watches me while I'm speaking he watches my face impossible to think that anyone for whom I feel such gratitude could betray me neither of us says the word love not once it would be tempting fate it would be Romance bad luck today there are different flowers drier more defined the flowers of high summer daisies black-eyed Susans starting us on the long downward slope to fall I see them in the gardens as I walk with off Glenn to and fro I hardly listen to her I no longer credit her the things she Whispers seem to me unreal what use are they for me now you could go into his room at night she says look through his desk there must be papers notations the door is locked I remember we could get you a key she says don't you want to know who he is what he does but the commander is no longer of immediate interest to me I have to make an effort to keep my indifference towards him from showing keep on doing everything exactly the way you were before Nick says don't change anything otherwise they'll know he kisses me watching me all the time promise don't slip up I put his hand on my belly it's happened I say I feel it has a couple of weeks and I'll be certain this I know is wishful thinking he'll love you to death he says so will she but it's yours I say it will be yours really I want it to be we don't pursue this however I can't I say to offline I'm too afraid anyway I'd be no good at that I get caught I scarcely take the trouble to sound regretful so lazy have I become we could get you out she says we can get people out if we really have to if they're in danger immediate Danger the fact is that I no longer want to leave Escape cross the border to Freedom I want to be here with Nick where I can get at him telling this I'm ashamed of myself but there's more to it than that even now I can recognize this admission as a kind of boasting there's pride in it because it demonstrates how extreme and therefore Justified it was for me how well worth it it's like stories of illness and near death from which you have recovered like stories of War they demonstrate seriousness such seriousness about a man then had not seen possible to me before some days I was more rational I did not put it to myself in terms of love I said I have made a life for myself here of a sort that must have been what the settlers wives thought and women who survived Wars if they still had a man humanity is so adaptable my mother would say truly amazing what people can get used to as long as there are a few compensations it won't be long now says Cora Doling out my monthly stack of sanitary napkins not long now smiling at me shyly but also knowingly does she know does she and Rita know what I'm up to creeping down their stairs at night do I give myself away daydreaming smiling at nothing touching my face lightly when I think they aren't watching of Glenn is giving up on me she Whispers less talks more about the weather I do not feel regret about this I feel relief chapter 42. the Bell is tolling we can hear it from a long way off it's morning and today we've had no breakfast when we reach the main gate we file through it two by two there's a heavy contingent of guards special detail angels with riot gear the helmets with the bulging dark Plexiglas visors that make them look like beetles the long clubs the gas canister guns in Cordon around the outside of the wall that's in case of Hysteria the hooks on the wall are empty this is a district salvaging for women only salvagings are always segregated it was announced yesterday they tell you only the day before it's not enough time to get used to it to the tolling of the Bell we walk along the paths once used by students past buildings that were once lecture halls and dormitories it's very strange to be in here again from the outside you can't tell that anything's changed except that the blinds on most of the windows are drawn down these buildings belong to the eyes now we file onto the wide lawn in front of what used to be the library the white steps going up are still the same the main entrance is unaltered there's a wooden stage erected on the lawn something like the one they used every spring for commencement in the time before I think of hats pastel hats worn by some of the mothers and of the black gowns the students would put on and the red ones but this stage is not the same after all because of the Three Wooden posts that stand on it with the loops of rope at the front of the stage there is a microphone the television camera is discreetly off to the side I've only been to one of these before two years ago women's salvagings are not frequent there is less need for them these days we are so well behaved I don't want to be telling this story we take our places in the standard order wives and daughters on the folding wooden chairs placed towards the back Econo wives and marthas around the edges and on the library steps and handmaids at the front where everyone can keep an eye on us we don't sit on chairs but kneel and this time we have cushions small red velvet ones with nothing written on them not even faith luckily the weather is all right not too hot cloudy bright it would be miserable kneeling here in the rain maybe that's why they leave it so late to tell us so they'll know what the weather will be like that's as good a reason as any I kneel on my red velvet cushion I try to think about tonight about making love in the dark and the light reflected off the white walls I remember being held there's a long piece of rope which winds like a snake in front of the first row of cushions along the second and back through the lines of chairs bending like a very old very slow River viewed from the air down to the back the Rope is thick and brown and smells of tar the front end of the Rope runs up onto the stage it's like a fuse or the string of a balloon on stage to the left are those who are to be salvaged two handmaids one wife 's are unusual and despite myself I look at this one with interest I want to know what she has done they have been placed here before the gates were opened all of them sit on folding wooden chairs like graduating students who are about to be given prizes their hands rest in their laps looking as if they are folded sedately they sway a little they've probably been given injections or pills so they won't make a fuss it's better if things go smoothly are they attached to their chairs impossible to say under all that drapery now the official procession is approaching the stage mounting the steps at the right three women one ant in front two salvatures in their black hoods and cloaks a pace behind her behind them are the other ants the whisperings Among Us hush the three arrange themselves turn towards us the ant flanked by the two black robed salvagers it's Aunt Lydia how many years since I've seen her I'd begun to think she existed only in my head but here she is a little older I have a good view I can see the deepening furrows to either side of her nose the engraved frown her eyes blink she smiles nervously peering to left and right checking out the audience and lifts a hand to fidget with her headdress an odd strangling sound comes over the PA system she's clearing her throat I've begun to shiver hatred fills my mouth like spit the Sun comes out and the stage in its occupants light up like a Christmas creche I can see the wrinkles under Aunt Lydia's eyes the power of the seated women the hair is on the rope in front of me on the grass the blades of grass there is a dandelion right in front of me the color of egg yolk I feel hungry the Bell stops tolling and Lydia stands up Smooths down her skirt with both hands and steps forward to the mic good afternoon ladies she says and there is an instant and ear splitting feedback wine from the PA system from Among Us incredibly there is laughter it's hard not to laugh it's the tension and the look of irritation on it Lydia's face as she adjusts the sound this is supposed to be dignified good afternoon ladies she says again her voice now tinny and flattened it's ladies instead of girls because of the wives I'm sure we are all aware of the unfortunate circumstances that bring us all here together on this beautiful morning when I am certain we would all rather be doing something else at least I speak for myself but duty is a hard task master or may I say on this occasion task mistress and it is in the name of Duty that we are here today she goes on like this for some minutes but I don't listen I've heard this speech or one like it often enough before the same platitudes the same slogans the same phrases the torch of the future the Cradle of the race the task before us it's hard to believe there will not be polite clapping after this speech and tea and cookies served on the lawn that was the prologue I think now she'll get down to it and Lydia rummages in her pocket produces a crumpled piece of paper this she takes an undue length of time to unfold and scan she's rubbing our noses in it letting us know exactly who she is making us watch her as she silently reads flaunting her prerogative scene I think let's get this over with in the past says Aunt Lydia it has been the custom to precede the actual salvagings with a detailed account of the crimes of which the prisoners stand convicted however we have found such a public account especially when televised is invariably followed by a rash if I may call it that an outbreak I should say of exactly similar crimes so we have decided in the best interests of all to discontinue this practice the salvagings will proceed without further ado a collective murmur goes up from us the crimes of others are a secret language Among Us through them we show ourselves what we might be capable of after all this is not a popular announcement but you would never know it from Aunt Lydia who smiles and blinks as if washed in Applause now we are left to our own devices our own speculations the first one the one they're now raising from her chair black gloved hands on her upper arms reading no that's only a hand cut off on the third conviction unchastity or an attempt on the life of her commander or the Commander's wife more likely that's what we're thinking as for the wife there's mostly just one thing they get salvaged for they can do almost anything to us but they aren't allowed to kill us not legally not with knitting needles or garden shears or knives purloined from the kitchen and especially not when we are pregnant it could be adultery of course it could always be that or attempted Escape of Charles and Lydia announces no one I know the woman is brought forward she walks as if she's really concentrating on it one foot the other foot she's definitely drugged there's a groggy off-center smile on her mouth one side of her face contracts an uncoordinated wink aimed at the camera they'll never show it of course this isn't live the two salvagers tie her hands behind her back from behind me there's a sound of wretching that's why we don't get breakfast Janine most likely of Glenn Whispers I've seen it before the white bag placed over the head the woman helped up onto the high stool as if she's being helped up the steps of a bus studied there The Noose adjusted delicately around the neck like a vestment the stool kicked away I've heard the long sigh go up from around me the psy like air coming out of an air mattress I've seen it Lydia Place her hand over the mic to stifle the other sounds coming from behind her I've leaned forward to touch the rope in front of me in time with the others both hands on it the Rope Harry sticky with tar in the hot sun then placed my hand on my heart to show my Unity with the salvagers and my consent and my complicity in the death of this woman I have seen the kicking feet and the two in Black who now sees hold of them and dragged downwards with all their weight I don't want to see it anymore I look at the grass instead I describe the Rope chapter 43 the three bodies hang there even with the white sacks over their heads looking curiously stretched like chickens strung up by the necks in a meat shop window like birds with their wings clipped like flightless birds wrecked angels it's hard to take your eyes off them beneath the hems of the dresses the feet dangle two pairs of red shoes one pair of blue if it weren't for the ropes and the sacks it could be a kind of dance a ballet caught by flash camera midair they look arranged they look like showbiz it must have been Aunt Lydia who put the blue one in the middle today's salvaging is now concluded Aunt Lydia announces into the mic but we turn to her listen to her wash her she is always known how to space her pauses a ripple runs over us a stir something else perhaps is going to happen but you may stand up and form a circle she smiles down upon us generous munificent she is about to give us something bestow orderly now she's talking to us to the handmaids some of the wives are leaving now some of the daughters most of them stay but they stay behind out of the way they watch merely they are not part of the circle two Guardians have moved forward and are coiling up the thick rope getting it out of the way others move the cushions we are Milling around now on the grass space in front of the stage some jogging for position at the front next to the center many pushing just as hard to work their way to the Middle where they will be shielded it's a mistake to hang back too obviously in any group like this it stamps you as lukewarm lacking in zeal there's an energy building here a murmur a Tremor of Readiness and anger the body is tense the eyes are brighter as if aiming I don't want to be at the front or at the back either I'm not sure what's coming though I sense it won't be anything I want to see up close but avglenn has hold of my arm she tugs me with her and now we're in the second line with only a thin hedge of bodies in front of us I don't want to see yet I don't pull back either I've heard rumors which I only half believed despite everything I already know I say to myself they wouldn't go that far you know the rules for particuation and Lydia says you will wait until I blow the whistle after that what you do is up to you until I blow the whistle again understood a noise comes from Among Us formless ascent well then says Aunt Lydia she nods two Guardians not the same ones that have taken away the Rope come forward now from behind the stage between them they half carry half drag a third man he too is in a guardian's uniform but he has no hat on and the uniform is dirty and torn his face is cut and bruised deep reddish brown bruises the flesh is swollen and knobby stumbled with unshaven beard this doesn't look like a face but like an unknown vegetable a mangled bulb or tuber something that's grown wrong even from where I'm standing I can smell him he smells of and vomit his hair is blonde and falls over his face spiky with what dried sweat I stare at him with revulsion he looks drunk he looks like a drunk that's been in a fight why have they brought a drunk in here this man says Aunt Lydia has been convicted of rape her voice trembles with rage and a kind of Triumph he was once a guardian he has disgraced his uniform he has abused his position of trust his partner in viciousness has already been shot the penalty for rape as you know is death Deuteronomy chapter 22 verses 23-29 I might add that this crime involved two of you and took place at gunpoint it was also brutal I will not offend your ears with any details except to say that one woman was pregnant and the baby died a sigh goes up from us despite myself I feel my hands clench it is too much this violation the baby too after what we go through it's true there is a bloodlust I want to tear gouge Rend we jostle forward our heads turn from side to side our nostrils flare sniffing death we look at one another seeing the hatred shooting was too good the man's head swivels groggly around has he even heard her and Lydia Waits a moment then she gives a little smile and raises her whistle to her lips we hear it shrill and silver an echo from a volleyball game of long ago the two Guardians let go of the third man's arms and step back he staggers is he drugged and falls to his knees his eyes are shriveled up inside the puffy flesh of his face as if the light is too bright for him they've kept him in darkness he raises one hand to his cheek as though to feel if he is still there all of this happens quickly but it seems to be slowly nobody moves forward the women are looking at him with horror as if he's a half dead rat dragging itself across a kitchen floor he's squinting around at us the circle of red women one corner of his mouth moves up incredible a smile I try to look inside him inside the trashed face see what he must really look like I think he's about 30. it isn't Luke but it could have been I know that it could be Nick I know that whatever he's done I can't touch him he says something it comes out thick as if his throat is bruised his tongue huge in his mouth but I hear it anyway he says I didn't there's a surge forward like a crowd at a rock concert in the former time when the door is opened that urgency coming like a wave through us the air is bright with adrenaline we are permitted anything and this is freedom in my body also I'm reeling red spreads everywhere but before that tide of cloth and bodies hits him avglen is shoving through the women in front of us propelling herself with her elbows left right and running towards him she pushes him down sideways then kicks his head viciously one two three times sharp painful Jabs with the foot well aimed now there are sounds gasps a low noise like growling yells and the red bodies tumble forward and I can no longer see he's obscured by arms fists feet a high scream comes from somewhere like a horse and Terror I keep back try to stay on my feet something hits me from behind I stagger when I regain my balance and look around I see the wives and daughters leaning forward in their chairs the ants on the platform gazing down with interest they must have a better view from up there he has become an it of Glenn is back beside me her face is tight expressionless I saw what you did I say to her now I'm beginning to feel again shock outrage nausea barbarism why did you do that you I thought you don't look at me she says they're watching I don't care I say my voice is rising I can't help it get control of yourself she says she pretends to brush me off my arm and shoulder bringing her face close to my ear don't be stupid he wasn't a rapist at all he was a political he was one of ours I knocked him out put him out of his misery don't you know what they're doing to him one of ours I think a guardian It seems impossible and Lydia blows her whistle again but they don't stop at once the two Guardians move in pulling them off from what's left some lie on the grass where they've been hit or kicked by accident some have fainted they straggle away in twos and threes are by themselves they seem dazed you will find your partners and reform your line that Lydia says into the mic if you pay attention to her a woman comes towards us walking as if she's feeling her way with her feet in the dark Janine there's a smear of blood across her cheek and more of it on the white of her headdress she's smiling a bright diminutive smile her eyes have come loose hi there she says how are you doing she's holding something tightly in her right hand it's a clump of blonde hair she gives a small giggle Janine I say but she's let go totally now she's in free fall she's in withdrawal you have a nice day she says and walks on past us towards the gate I look after her easy out is what I think I don't even feel sorry for her although I should I feel angry I'm not proud of myself for this or for any of it but then that's the point my hands smell of warm tar I want to go back to the house and up to the bathroom and scrub and scrub with the harsh soap and the pumice to get every trace of this smell off my skin the smell makes me feel sick but also I'm hungry this is monstrous but nevertheless it's true death makes me hungry maybe it's because I've been emptied or maybe it's the body's way of seeing to it that I remain alive continue to repeat its Bedrock prayer I am I am I am still I want to go to bed make love right now I think of the word relish I could eat a horse chapter 44. things are back to normal how can I call this normal but compared with this morning it is normal for lunch there was a cheese sandwich on brown bread a glass of milk celery sticks canned pears a school child's lunch I ate everything up not quickly but reveling in the taste the flavors Lush on my tongue now I am going shopping the same as usual I even look forward to it there's a certain consolation to be taken from routine I go out the back door along the path Nick is washing the car his hat on Sideways he doesn't look at me we avoid looking at each other these days surely we'd give something Away by it even out here in the open with no one to see I wait at the corner for ofglin she's late At Last I See Her coming a red and white shape of cloth like a kite walking at the steady Pace we've all learned to keep I see her and notice nothing at first then as she comes nearer I think that there must be something wrong with her she looks wrong she is altered in some indefinable way she's not injured she's not limping it's as if she has shrunk then when she's near or still I see what it is she is an offline she's the same height but thinner and her face is beige not pink she comes up to me stops blessed be the fruit she says straight-faced straight laced may the Lord open I reply I try not to show surprise you must be offered she says I say yes and we begin our walk now what I think my head is churning this is not good news what has become of her how do I find out without showing too much concern we aren't supposed to form friendships loyalties among one another I try to remember how much time off Glenn has to go at her present posting we have been sent good weather I say which I receive with joy The Voice Placid flat unrevealing we passed the first checkpoint without saying anything further she's taciturn but so am I is she waiting for me to start something reveal myself or is she a believer engrossed in inner meditation has ofglin been transferred so soon I ask but I know she hasn't I saw her only this morning she would have said I am off Glenn the woman says Word Perfect and of course she is the new one and off Glenn wherever she is is no longer offline I never did know her real name that is how you can get lost in a sea of names it wouldn't be easy to find her now we go to milk and honey and to All Flesh or I buy chicken and the new offline gets three pounds of hamburger there are the usual lineups I see several women I recognize exchange with them the infinitesimal nonce with which we show each other we are known at least to someone we still exist outside All Flesh I say to the new off Glenn we should go to the wall I don't know what I expect from this some way of testing her reaction perhaps I need to know whether or not she is one of us if she is if I can establish that perhaps she'll be able to tell me what has really happened to offline as you like she says is that indifference or caution on the wall hang the three women from this morning still in their dresses still in their shoes still with the white bags over their heads their arms have been untied and are stiff and proper at their sides the blue one is in the middle the two red ones on either side though the colors are no longer as bright they seem to have faded grown dingy like dead butterflies or tropical fish trying on land the gloss is off them we stand and look at them in silence let that be a reminder to us says the new off Glenn finally I say nothing at first because I am trying to make out what she means she could mean that this is a reminder to us of the unjustness and brutality of the regime in that case I ought to say yes or she could mean the opposite that we should remember to do what we are told and not get into trouble because if we do we will be rightfully punished if she means that I should say praise be her voice was Bland toneless no clues there I take a chance yes I say to this she does not respond although I sense a flicker of white at the edge of my vision as if she's looked quickly at me after a moment we turn away and begin the long walk back matching our steps in the approved way so that we seem to be in unison I think maybe I should wait before attempting anything further it's too soon to push to probe I should give it a week two weeks maybe longer watch her carefully listen for tones in her voice unguarded words the way off Glenn listened to me now that offline is gone I am alert again my sluggishness has fallen away my body is no longer for pleasure only but senses its Jeopardy I should not be rash I should not take unnecessary risks but I need to know I hold back until we're past the final checkpoint and there are only blocks to go but then I can no longer control myself I didn't know of Glenn very well I mean the former one oh she says the fact that she said anything however guarded encourages me I've only known her since May I say I can feel my skin growing hot my heart speeding up this is tricky for one thing it's a lie and how do I get from there to the next final word around the first of May I think it was what they used to call mayday did they she says light in different menacing that isn't a term I remember I'm surprised you do you ought to make an effort she pauses to clear your mind of such she pauses again echoes now I feel cold seeping over my skin like water what she's doing is warning me she isn't one of us but she knows I walk the last blocks in Terror I've been stupid again more than stupid hasn't occurred to me before but now I see if of Glenn's been caught avlin may talk about me among others she will talk she won't be able to help it but I haven't done anything I tell myself not really all I did was know all I did was not tell they know where my child is what if they bring her threaten something to her in front of me or do it I can't bear to think what they might do or Luke what if they have Luke or my mother or Moira or almost anyone Dear God don't make me choose I would not be able to standard I know that Moira was right about me I'll say anything they like I'll incriminate anyone it's true the first scream whimper even and I'll turn to jelly I'll confess to any crime I'll end up hanging from a hook on the wall keep your head down I used to tell myself and see it through it's no use this is the way I talk to myself on the way home at the corner we turn to one another in the usual way under his eye says the new treacherous of Glenn under his eye I say trying to sound fervent as if such play acting could help now that we've come this far then she does an odd thing she leans forward so that the stiff white blinkers on our heads are almost touching so that I can see her pale beige eyes up close the delicate web of lines across her cheeks and Whispers very quickly her voice faint as dry leaves she hanged herself she says after the salvaging she saw the van coming for her who was better then she's walking away from me down the street chapter 45. I stand a moment emptied of air as if I've been kicked so she's dead and I am safe after all she did it before they came I feel great relief I feel thankful to her she has died that I may live I will mourn later unless this woman is lying there's always that I breathe in deeply breathe out giving myself oxygen the space in front of me blackens and clears I can see my way I turn open the gate keeping my hand on it a moment to study myself walk in Nick is there still washing the car whistling a little he seems very far away Dear God I think I will do anything you like now that you've let me off I'll obliterate myself if that's what you really want I'll empty myself truly become a chalice I'll give up Nick I'll forget about the others I'll stop complaining I'll accept my lot I'll sacrifice I'll repent I'll abdicate I'll renounce I know this can't be right but I think it anyway everything they taught at the red Center everything I've resisted comes flooding in I don't want pain I don't want to be a dancer my feet in the air my head a faceless oblong of white cloth I don't want to be a doll hung up on the wall I don't want to be a wingless angel I want to keep on living in any form I resigned my body freely to the uses of others they can do what they like with me I am abject I feel for the first time their true power I go along past the flower beds the willow tree aiming for the back door I will go in I will be safe I will fall on my knees in my room gratefully breathe in lung fulls of the stale air smelling of furniture polish Serena Joy has come out of the front door she's standing on the steps she calls to me what is it she wants does she want me to go into the sitting room and help her wind gray wool I won't be able to hold my hands steady she'll notice something but I walk over to her anyway since I have no choice on the top step she Towers above me her eyes flare hot blue against the shriveled white of her skin I look away from her face down at the ground at her feet the tip of her cane I trusted you she says I tried to help you still I don't look up at her guilt pervades me I've been found out but for what for which of my many sins am I accused the only way to find out is to keep silent to start excusing myself now for this or that would be a blender I could give away something she hasn't even guessed it might be nothing it might be the match hidden in my bed I hang my head well she asks nothing to say for yourself I look up at her about what I managed to stammer as soon as it's out it sounds impudent look she says she brings her free hand from behind her back it's her cloak she's holding the winter one there was lipstick on it she says how could you be so vulgar I told him she drops the cloak she's holding something else her hand all bone she throws that down as well the purple sequins fall slithering down over the step like snakeskin glittering in the sunlight behind my back she says you could have left me something does she love him after all she raises her cane I think she is going to hit me but she doesn't pick up that disgusting thing and get to your room just like the other one a you'll end up the same I stoop gather behind my back Nick has stopped whistling I want to turn run to him throw my arms around him this would be foolish there's nothing he can do to help he too would drown I walked to the back door into the kitchen set down my basket go upstairs I am orderly and calm 15. night chapter 46. I sit in my room at the window waiting in my lap is a handful of crumpled Stars this could be the last time I have to wait but I don't know what I'm waiting for what are you waiting for they used to say that meant hurry up no answer was expected for what are you waiting is a different question and I have no answer for that one either yet it isn't waiting exactly it's more like a form of suspension without suspense at last there is no time I am in disgrace which is the opposite of Grace I ought to feel worse about it but I feel serene at peace pervaded with indifference don't let the bastards grind you down I repeat this to myself but it conveys nothing you might as well say don't let there be air or don't be I suppose you could say that there's nobody in the garden I wonder if it will rain outside the light is fading it's reddish already soon it will be dark right now it's darker that didn't take long there are a number of things I could do I could set fire to the house for instance I could bundle up some of my clothes and the sheets and strike my one hidden match if it didn't catch that would be that but if it did there would at least be an event a signal of some kind to mark my exit a few Flames easily put out in the meantime I could let loose clouds of smoke and die by suffocation I could tear my bed sheet into strips and twist it into a rope of sorts and tie one end to the leg of my bed and try to break the window which is shatterproof I could go to the commander fall on the floor my hair disheveled as they say grab him around the knees confess weep implore Noli day bestartes Carver and dorum I could say not a prayer I visualize his shoes black well shined impenetrable keeping their own counsel instead I could noose the bed sheet around my neck hook myself up in the closet throw my weight forward choke myself off I could hide behind the door wait until she comes hobbles along the hall bearing whatever sentence Penance punishment jump out at her knock her down kick her sharply and accurately in the head to put her out of her misery and myself as well to put her out of our misery it would save time I could walk at a steady Pace down the stairs and out the front door and along the street trying to look as if I knew where I was going and see how far I could get red is so visible I could go to Nick's room over the garage as we have done before I could wonder whether or not he would let me in Give Me Shelter now that the need is real I consider these things idly each one of them seems the same size as all the others not one seems preferable fatigue is here in my body in my legs and eyes that is what gets you in the end faith is only a word embroidered I look out at the desk and think about its being winter the snow falling gently effortlessly covering everything in soft Crystal The Mist Of Moonlight before a rain blurring the outlines obliterating color freezing to death is painless they say after the first chill you lie back in the snow like an angel made by children and go to sleep behind me I feel her presence my ancestors my double turning in midair under the chandelier in her costume of stars and feathers a bird stopped in Flight a woman made into an angel waiting to be found by me this time how could I have believed I was alone in here there were always two of us get it over she says I'm tired of this melodrama I'm tired of keeping silent there's no one you can protect your life has value to no one I want it finished as I'm standing up I hear the black fan I hear it before I see it blended with the Twilight it appears out of its own sound like a solidification a clotting of the night it turns into the driveway stops I can just make out the white eye the two wings the paint must be phosphorescent two men detach themselves from the shape of it come up the front steps ring the bell I hear the bell toll ding dong like the ghost of a Cosmetics woman down in the hall worse is coming then I've been wasting my time I should have taken things into my own hands while I had the chance I should have stolen a knife from the kitchen found some way to the sewing scissors there were the garden shears the knitting needles the world is full of weapons if you're looking for them I should have paid attention but it's too late to think about that now already their feet are on the dusty rose carpeting of the stairs a heavy muted tread pulse in the forehead my backs to the window I expect a stranger but it's Nick who pushes open the door flicks on the light I can't place that unless he's one of them there was always that possibility Nick the private eye dirty work is done by dirty people you I think I open my mouth to say it but he comes over close to me Whispers it's all right it's mayday go with them he calls me by my real name why should this mean anything I say I see the two men standing behind him the overhead light in the hallway making skulls of their heads you must be crazy my suspicion hovers in the air above him a dark angel warning me away I can almost see it why shouldn't he know about mayday all the eyes must know about it they'll have squeezed it crushed it twisted it out of enough bodies enough mouths by now trust me he says which in itself has never been a talisman carries no guarantee but I snatch at it this offer it's all I'm left with one in front one behind they escort me down the stairs the pace is leisurely the lights are on despite the fear how ordinary it is from here I can see the clock it's no time in particular Nick is no longer with us he may have gone down the back stairs not wishing to be seen Serena Joy stands in the hallway under the mirror looking up and credulous the commander is behind her the sitting room door is open his hair is very gray he looks worried and helpless but already withdrawing from me distancing himself whatever else I am to him I am also at this point a disaster no doubt they've been having a fight about me no doubt she's been giving him hell I still have it in me to feel sorry for him Moira is right I am a wimp what has she done says Serena Joy she wasn't the one who called them then whatever she had in store for me it was more private we can't say ma'am says the one in front of me sorry I need to see your authorization says the commander you have a warrant I could scream now cling to the banister relinquish dignity I could stop them at least for a moment if they're real they'll stay if not they'll run away leaving me here not that we need one sir but all is in order says the first one again violation of State secrets the commander puts his hand to his head what have I been saying and to whom and which one of his enemies has found out possibly he will be a security risk now I am above him looking down he is shrinking there have already been purges among them there will be more Serena Joy goes white she says after all he did for you Cora and Rita press through from the kitchen Cora has begun to cry I was her hope I failed her now she will always be childless the van waits in the driveway its double doors stand open the two of them one on either side now take me by the elbows to help me in whether this is my end or a new beginning I have no way of knowing I have given myself over into the hands of strangers because it can't be helped and so I step up into the darkness Within or else the light