SNL Weekend Update Trump 9/11/24 | Saturday Night Live Sep 11, 2024

thank you good evening everyone welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Chay I'm Colin Joe the jury in his defamation case has ordered Donald Trump to pay writer eege Carroll 83.3 million and uh Trump is a billionaire so obviously he immediately hit up your grandma for five bucks well Monday Donald Trump testified under oath in his civil fraud trial though technically he was never sworn in because the Bibles kept bursting in the Flames Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Hershel Walker to drive it to the [Applause] clinic they they ordered Trump to pay 83 million that's how unlikable he is for perspective OJ Simpson only had to pay $33 million for a double murder he didn't even do it oh okay well this this TR in Monday's Iowa caucuses Ronda santis beat out Nikki Haley for second place well that ought to put a whatever this is on his face South Carolina Senator Tim Scott who looks like someone drew Ving RS with their eyes closed Endor Donald Trump but remember most Trump supporters only count him as 3- fifths of an endorsement oh boy after a judge issued a gag order against President Trump trump told reporters that the judge said basically I don't have the right to speak then he added she's like literally killing me then he yelled you're not even my real mom and slammed his bedroom door Kyle must have driven Trump crazy the judge kept telling him to shut up the jury made him pay triple what the victim asked for even the courtroom sketch artist made him look made him look like that lady who got her face ripped off by a monkey the only way this could have gone worse for Trump as if they took away his businesses which is of course what happens in next week's trial everybody watched him last night knew Trump was roasted and toasted right after uh CNN had a poll the debate audience that said Harris won 63 to 37% those are incredible numbers in these days these politics those are incredible numbers I mean those numbers were topped only by the 89% of viewers who rated moderator David mure would [Applause] smash insiders are concerned that President Biden's chances for re-election could be damaged by his unwavering support for Israel but I think the bigger problem for Biden is that he is is 6 years older than Israel shame on you a three-year-old girl from Texas has become the youngest person ever to visit all 63 US National Parks unfortunately in the talons of an eagle after Ronda santz endorsed Donald Trump he called the santis a really terrific person and promised to stop calling him Ron the sanctimonia well it's like a wise man once said you can be the most worthless Republican in America but if you kiss the ring he'll say you're wonderful well John krey announced that he is stepping down as the US climate invoy and is expected to focus on President Biden's re-election campaign and it's not a great sign that Biden's campaign is a bigger emergency than climate change in an interview on Fox News presidential candidate Nikki Haley said that America has quote never been a racist country because if Americans were so racist why do they have sex with their slaves after the New Hampshire primary Nikki Haley attacked Donald Trump and called out his quote senior moments which made Trump so angry he almost ripped off the safety rails on his toilet Ron R McDaniel was reelected as chair of the Republican National committee and a closer than expected vote over Challengers harmet Dylan my pillow CEO Mike Lindell Twitter user cat turd to Kevin Sorbo Kyle ridden housee and of course Colin Joe's four presidents visited New York City at the same time on Thursday three to do a joint fundraiser at Radio City and one selling Bibles door too Donald Trump has partnered with country music star Lee Greenwood to sell a $60 specialist edition of the Bible that also includes the Constitution the lyrics to Greenwoods God Bless the USA and I assume God's letter of resignation a new app has been introduced called WRA that claims it can show Instagram users who is looking at their pictures uh-oh said a bunch of high school teachers in her new book Liz Cheney claims that one Republican called Donald Trump orange Jesus but it's like you always say Colin there's only one Jesus and he's white you know how you always say yeah I always say this Bible is mostly the same but Trump's version ends with Jesus's disciples storming Jerusalem to overturn the results of the crucifixion [Applause] Transportation secretary Pete budit visited the site of the train derailment and was criticized for wearing leather dress boots give them a break that's all they had at Baby Gap Florida governor and Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Ronda santis explained why so many residents failed to evacuate saying some people just don't want to leave their homes which is why sometimes you have to trick them onto a plane to Martha's Vineyard Georgia representative and cocaine bear Marjorie Taylor green tweeted the country needs a national divorce which makes sense because she is the most divorc looking woman I have ever seen Florida Governor Ronda Sanz is releasing a new Memoir called the courage to be free even though the courage be free sounds like a black history book He's banned Tennessee governor Bill Lee has signed a new law Banning public drag performances with a six-year prison sentence for repeat offenders as first predicted in the now documentary media Goes to Jail Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones Is Under Fire over a picture of him from 1957 where he looks on as black students are stopped from entering his school okay so maybe Jerry Jones was a racist back then but tell me this would a racist owner team full of the strongest black men he could buy to work on his field a Tennessee state senator said the bill will prevent kids from being quote blindsided by a sexualized performance in public what are you talking about drag shows don't just pop up like flash mobs and sprinkle gay dust on your kids I never accidentally happened upon a drag show and I grew up in New York City now I have been blindsided by a sexualized performance a few times but that's just what you get when you take the bus call him you go no no Biden also took time in his speech to say that shrinkflation is affecting Snickers bars and that people pay the same amount for 10% fewer Snickers and I got to give them credit because it's pretty risky for a white guy with a stutter to keep saying the word Snickers this week marks the 40th anniversary of the classic Michael Jackson album thr and say what you will about Michael Jackson but he definitely had a huge effect on a lot of people's [Applause] childhoods I don't know what you guys like anymore the US Energy Department concluded that Co likely originated from a Wuhan laborator leak and not a wet market so I gave up eating bats for nothing newspapers around the country dropped the the cartoon strip Dilbert after Creator Scott Adams said he chose to live in a community where no black people live so he lives in your building huh Colin after Trump was photographed with some strange red marks on his hand some dermatologists speculated it could be something called hand turp what the hell is hand herpes said Tim Scott speaker Mike Johnson has also been called homophobic for supporting anti-lgbtq legislation and saying homosexuality is bizarre and deviant which are two fantastic gay clubs on the West Side by I a new report from the White House claims that President Biden's billions of dollars of student loan relief will disproportionately help Latinos which has earned Biden the nickname El Papa desuga a woman revealed that she accidentally ordered a cocktail that cost $2,000 ingredients of the $2,000 drink included Jin vermouth and a MacBook Pro see that was a sweet one Disneyland has announced that it's permanently closing its attraction BEAST's library and replacing it with well this is weird Gaston's G gay gym Mitch McConnell seen here walking out of a theater after watching 12 Years a [Applause] Slave announc announced he will step down in November he'll be replaced by the current number two Republican in the Senate a frozen embryo holding an assault rifle Mitch McConnell seen here after rearranging a blind woman's furniture a new report shows that the gender death Gap is rising with men dying an average of 6 years before women which is yeah it's actually scientific proof that men are actually dying a little every time we have to listen to your boring ass [Applause] story gave gave a moving speech on the senate floor announcing his retirement which Honestly made me start to admire Mitch McConnell seen here watching a single mother sell her blood for diaper money just today Donald Trump posted on Truth social that he wasn't scared of going to jail for violating a gag order saying I will gladly become a modernday Nelson Mandela unfortunately for Halloween in an interview Senator mitt Romney said that he will not vote for Donald Trump over Joe Biden now some of you may remember Mitt Romney [Music] n [Music] oh [Music] oh [Music] oh [Music] oh [Music] oh [Music]