Very Honest NFL NFL Power Rankings: Week 1

welcome to the first real Power Rankings episode for the 2024 NFL season I'm your Master of Ceremonies Brandon Perna and I have the best slw worst uh Power Ranking show on the internet every week I spin a curse wheel and it picks a team to curse that week last year this little curse wheel was shockingly vicious and accurate but in a fit of rage I threw it and broke it so this season I've decided to go big and I've upgraded the curse wheel to magnificent proportions look at this bastard just look at it and all ow [ __ ] oh it got my ear it got my ear it trumped me you son of a [ __ ] oh that might work we'll leave it in frame just to tiate you all just a tiny bit okay so not only is this thing huge I had a witch doctor rubber nipple on it so it is at full cursing uh capacity I'll spin it at the end and pray to your false football God she doesn't land on your team today I'm going to rank the top 12 NFL teams or so the other thing we do here if you're new uh it's uh we place a team in heaven hell and Purgatory every week starting in heaven where I typically place a team who is in desperate need of healing of some good luck and I had the Bears here but then I saw this this Titans video T up for the Titans out for the wi titty up for the Titans tit up Titans kids go hard they take a be we'll play our kids to the B hell I'm not going to put any teams in hell to start the season I'll save that for week two uh just know hell is definitely still here Steelers Purgatory Chargers and Vikings uh the Chargers they're a team that literally got stuck pro football players from the LA Chargers find themselves trapped in a packed stifling elevator the question I have is were they going up or were they going down up to heaven down to hell did God stop them from entering his kingdom like he has done for the franchises entire existence some of the players actually took off their shirts as they waited for Rescuers or did he save them from joining Tom Brady and Satan down below now I still need to see what Justin Herbert looks like playing through that Liz Frank injury and uh the guy I was very excited about receiver lad makoni had one reception for 5 yards all preseason it's just a bit scary to me when your head coach may have the best hands on the team the Chargers in purgatory have hope with Justin Herbert as he pushes through injury but the Vikings oh they have to ride the entire season with Sam darnold as qb1 after JJ McCarthy lit it up for exactly one game and then headed to IR with the tornament isus it was like the woman of your dream saying yes when you propose to her and then immediately she gets hit by a bus I am optimistic Sam darnold can be effective as their quarterback and I'm rooting for him to live up to his potential finally but rooting for Sam darnold kind of feels like drinking non-alcoholic beer All Season doesn't it like what's the [ __ ] point man [Music] and today's episode is sponsored by Underdog fantasy and my code that's good link below in fact Underdog specifically ask to sponsor Power Rankings all season so they must believe in curses and today at Underdog you can get their three profit boost tokens uh which will boost your payouts by 10% it's the last few days you have to join and play in their season long best ball fantasy tournaments and don't forget the only way to get this courland Sutton special is with my code that's good this is for week one and you can only get it with my code it's a gimme pick for their higher and lower games where you guess stat totals for players it's also the last week you can play for season long NFL stat projections uh bow Knicks right now still listed at just 17 1 12 passing touchdowns I think that is very low for B and we are at 688 total signups if I get to 10,000 signups Underdog fantasy owes me $1 million we are chipping away at this and it is possible so don't give up now let's begin with 12 this is where I'm putting three teams three talented but we [ __ ] the bed teams from last year and everybody thinks you're going to [ __ ] in that bed again and those teams are the Eagles the Cowboys and the Dolphins now I don't feel that way but I'm just saying that's what everybody thinks number 11 since it's week one I can go a little crazy and I wanted to challenge myself and put one four- win team from 2020 23 on the list you've got the Cardinals commanders and Patriots all four- win teams last year the sane part of my brain says hey maybe the Cardinals are being slept on people are sleep on us but it is what it is Kyler that's because you're the same size as a pillow my friend now we know Kyler Murray is a good quarterback Arizona added rookie Marvin Harrison Jr to the receiving Corp and Fanatics added him to their autograph fraud lawsuit James Conor continues to be an insanely underrated running back and he's been paired with the punishing rookie Trey Benson people are drafting Trey McBride in fantasy like he's the next Travis Kelce and I am hopeful for Arizona but I deny the sane part of my brain oh I deny it so I'm going to go with the Washington commanders here at number 11 to put it simply I think Jaden Daniels is going to [ __ ] up defenses he's going to play like Lamar Jackson but I think Jaden has a little better touch on some of his throws Jaden has Terry McClaren and a Trusty Vet tight end and Zack Herz and two reliable backs to hand off to and Brian Robinson and Austin Eckler assuming Eckler is actually healthy this year plus I think Dan Quinn might actually be the best coach in the division now and Washington signed receiver Noah Brown after trading away Jan doson Noah is a great ad and Dan Quinn called him a dog ass competitor which is very different from being dog ass so careful Dan at spot 10 in the power rankings I'm gotes come down I think the Jets and the Falcons both have very nice rosters Atlanta has the advantage on offense uh both with weapons and their offensive line the Jets have advantage on defense across the board even after Atlanta brought in bed by Taco Bell Matthew judon for their Edge this all comes down to which aging QB will have the stronger Achilles this season and I'm betting it's Aaron roders considering he's had a couple extra months to heal and because it was his Witch Doctor Who rubbed her titties on the curse wheel for us now Rogers is still a better quarterback that said if one of them goes down I believe the Falcons have the better backup plan in Michael penx Jr number 9.5 the Buccaneers don't worry I didn't forget about your Tampa Bay I totally did but uh now you've got expectations to live up to so don't mess it up Baker really earned his extension in December throwing 11 of his 28 TDS in that month the question is whether or not he picks up where he left off last season without offensive coordinator Dave Canales who of course is now the head coach for the Panthers number nine the Bengals Joe Burl will stay healthy the only thing that will be on IR uh is his hair this year but what I'm really curious to watch this season is the Bengals backfield I like the addition of Zach Moss because Moss don't grow on Joe Burl's bleached white head but Bengals fans are very high on running back Chase Brown he's being touted as a top sleeper in fantasy football I think I'm having Deja Vu because I remember hearing that exact same thing being said last year then Brown got injured and wasn't really given any carries until week 12 he did have 80 receiving yards in cincy's big win over the Colts and I want to see this team Lean On The Run with moss and brown like they did during their superbow push with Joe Mixon when he had 12200 yards 13 TDS and close to 300 carries I think that's their secret Brandon iuk finally signed his extension but until Trent Williams does his I've got you way down here at number eight just for annoying me I am that petty iuk was bitching about making 28 to 30 mil per year Trent Williams has already earned 168 million so far and poor Brock pie literally is so poor he can only afford to live in a treehouse in the Bay Area then Ricky psel fought off a thief will getting shot and walked himself to an ambulance then I saw Kyle Shanahan in this suit no you on your fly [ __ ] let oh you Ain you put the cane up I don't know what to make of this [ __ ] organization right now this though this is the hardest entrance to an NFL season I've ever seen back yeah you probably still have the best roster in the NFL or close to it but week one power rankings are about Superstition and ain't nothing scarier than the Super Bowl hangover well maybe walking around downtown San Francisco but you know what I mean number seven I've got the Packers in my post-draft power rankings episode I put the Packers at number to I would have kept them there if they didn't just sign their kicker this week Green Bay also received my season long curse from the curse wheel back in that episode and this seems to be an early indication that their season is doomed cutting both kickers and both backup QBs at the conclusion of the preseason that's either a big deal or nonf I don't know number six the Ravens the Ravens were the only 13- win team last year and I think everyone is excited to see what King Henry can do behind their offensive line and purple is the color of royalty so I think this is the best fit for King Henry I also think new defensive coordinator Zack or will be very good but you just never know what's going to happen when you lose a very good coordinator like the Ravens did in Mike McDonald if there will be a drop off for the defense that might be the reason now the Ravens had the best turnover differential a year ago clocking in at plus 12 so we'll have to see if that regresses to the mean and if that affects their win total I love Lamar Jackson and I am willing to forgive him for his sins his postseason atrocities if the Ravens defeat the the the Chiefs on Thursday night if they don't then I will remind everyone that Dak Prescott Jordan love Brock fie Jared gof Josh Allen and Jaylen Herz all accounted for more touchdowns than Lamar Jackson in his second MVP season last year Josh Allen and Jaylen Herz both had 10 more rushing TDS than Lamar and not a single other quarterback other than those two guys even sniff 10 rushing TDS also quick reminder for all patreon and YouTube members all tiar I put the info for the ESPN pickham League you guys can all play in the pick them League via patreon or the YouTube member uh Community tab post thank you guys for your continued support there number five I've got the Rams perhaps outside of naming Kyon Williams the starting punt returner I think the Rams are generally one of the best run teams in the league year in and year out unless they're trying to defend a Superbowl title Matthew Stafford is entering year 16 but he's still only 36 years old and he's coming off of what I thought was a very underrated year at quarterback especially missing Cooper cup for a good deal of the season one of the promising developments for Stafford is that he got better later in the season even returning from injury in September Stafford averaged 7.2 yards per pass uh in December that number climbed to 8.2 yards per pass older injured quarterbacks are not supposed to get better as the season goes on but Stafford did now I am still curious what happens at running back for the Rams they spent a pick on Blake corm Michigan's ter iic running back and how they split up carries with him and the explosive Kiren Williams will be the work of a Mad genius for yeah the Houston Texans the Texans are so loaded on offense that just a couple days ago they were forced to release a wide receiver who finished third in yards per reception last season Noah Brown the Texans are a very trendy pick to make it or outright win the Super Bowl and I don't really see why not they have playoff experience after two games last year and just as importantly they are returning offensive coordinator Bobby slowick who was a hot head coaching candidate so you get that extra year of continuity with CJ stad as positively as we do think about the Texans from a year ago it's worth noting that they only finished 13th in scoring last year two spots behind the Colts that's mostly because they weren't very effective running the football they're 29th and yards per carry but it also tells me they've got a much higher ceiling than what they did a year ago maybe Joe Mixon helps Rectify their one real offensive deficiency number three it's the bills people are low on the Buffalo Bills maybe the lowest they've been on the team since just before the 2020 season uh happened and Josh Allen broke out and became an elite QB I get it and I think there are a lot of question marks on this team just kidding Josh Allen is a [ __ ] God and he's going to win MVP as he carries this team right back in the G playoffs so shut the up question is whether or not they can escape their fate as the Buffalo Bills when it comes time to win in January number two the Detroit Lions [ __ ] it that's right much like the Texans in the AFC the Lions quite frankly lucked out when they retained offensive coordinator Ben Johnson for another year always good when you keep your Johnson now Johnson nearly left to become a head coach but he now returns to coach up an offense that finished fifth in scoring last season with 27 points per game the Lions didn't change a lot on offense which is probably good but I like that they added Tim Patrick to the fold they essentially swapped Josh Reynolds for Timmy p and if Patrick had been in Reynolds spot in the title game last year the Lions probably would have made it to the Super Bowl he's the difference coming in at number one point5 God bless B Knicks and all of the real Bo levers he is the savior he will turn water into wine which I'm sure the Chiefs will try and drink and then drive number one it's the Chiefs as so often has been the case before the Chiefs are in the top spot of these [ __ ] power rankings until they are knocked off their Mighty stupid Throne we know the deal with Kansas City this season right they've won back-to-back Super Bowls and are now in a position to become the first team to three beat and the closest team to do it was uh probably the 199 49ers most recently and I think this team might just be as loaded now their big addition was Xavier worthy who took the top off the defenses in college and he might just do that in the NFL if the [ __ ] preseason is any indication of his talent Ri Rice won't be suspended for driving with the Precision of an 89-year-old legally blind man whose Kane got stuck on the accelerator which makes Hollywood Browns injury a nonf factor in week one I'm worried this team can get better okay the receivers in 2023 had 34 drops the team had a turnover differential of minus 11 and they still manag to win 11 games and four straight [ __ ] games in the stupid playoffs and for the second year in a row the Chiefs opened the season at home on Thursday Night Football last year they lost to the Lions this year there's a big difference in my mind going to the opener against the Ravens no cadarius Tony to drop the ball and they do have Chris Jones and Travis Kelce heading into this this game and now apparently Taylor Swift is drawing up plays for them what's going to stop them oh that's right the curse wheel hopefully ow all right how do should I just what do we do with this guy we got a loose screw already oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] all right I think this is the best setup for the spin here we're all in frame here we go the first curse spin for [Music] 2024 I forgot this guy likes to go this guy likes to cook this guy likes to cook who's getting cursed oh you [ __ ] oh wait I forgot this guy goes backwards six six who is six oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no that's the Ravens week one they're supposed to beat the Chiefs you I don't trust you for one second you son of a [ __ ] maybe it goes uh counterclockwise oh it's six again it really wants the Ravens and I do have to spit it counterclockwise or it does the reverse spin thanks for watching Power Rankings here on that's good sports Please Subscribe if you believe in curses this is where you must tune into every week