Hannah Berner | Zaddy Issues | Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out Podcast

I didn't even plan on being a stand-up comedian like I wasn't one of those kids that was like one day I'm GNA have a Netflix special it wasn't in my head I want I always want to be a professional tennis player like I joke that like my dream I failed things went Ary and now I have a Netflix [Laughter] B that is so fascinating it's like I was like this little weirdly athletic kid and I come from from a sports family and they're like if you want to be happy you play a sport for a living that's the only happy people that's how success is so like that was what like happiness and success was but I always loved making people laugh and being silly and creating stuff it but it's funny too cuz tennis was so competitive so with comedy I'm like wait you don't have to beat up anyone you don't have to win anything you can just express yourself and I Lov the idea of like Reco coaching myself to be nice with comedy what do you mean by that tennis I was so mean to myself well tennis it's the one sport you see people like break their equipment yell at themselves like have full mental breakdowns on the court cuz you can't call timeout you can't talk to coaches so I would just leave leave a match and be like you stupid dumb [ __ ] you you suck to yourself yeah oh go it's like a 12-year-old girl oh my gosh that was the first time I cursed on the court I was like balls [ __ ] [ __ ] my parents are like what and I'm like nothing Jesus are you serious no I was a monster to myself now I don't want my daughter to play tennis don't don't no I mean don't that's really interesting no but the what I love about tennis for women it's the one sport where like we really had respect now other sports are coming up but like I grew up with Serena and Shera and those women are making money oh big time and my dad was literally like that Meme where he's like let's get this girl into tennis yeah and we also love the sport like Serena and Venus is Dad yeah it's emotionally and phys ially a difficult sport cuz you're alone but what I've done lots of therapy on is all those years in tennis even though they were difficult I've been able to transition it into a different career sure and I always say just cuz you stop doing one thing doesn't mean you can't use those skills to be great as something else completely and I think some people can be kind of you think this is who I am this is what I am when like everyone's capable of so many different things well tennis and Santa are so similar cuz you're alone right period and head game yep I say it's like cuz tennis and standup is not a one-sided thing there's a lot of variables we're not giving a speech we're we're doing a dance with the audience and Tennis is like I could think my serve is good but what if their return is better yeah so it's a lot of like being on the road alone and dealing with your own mind so with standup I've made a conscious decision to like be very positive with my like ego and have a different relationship with the stage than I did with with the court yeah so like when I go off stage I'll be like if something doesn't go right I'm really nice to myself like I'll be like wow you handled that great you got better as a standup for putting yourself through that yeah and like I'm proud of you let's go to sleep that's so interesting because I I played tennis through high school and I I I wanted to play in college didn't quite go there I ended up doing improv honestly our stories are the same yeah yeah similar no but will say like that there's so many things from tennis my mom taught me still use the person who wins the point is the person who hits the ball over the net more times it's endurance it's amazing right like it's and and I think standup is the same way I say I I say this all the time like the people in standup who succeed they they keep doing stand up they keep showing up you're yeah 100% everybody gets better if they keep doing it just get on stage and I so many people it's like 99% of the battle is literally just like convincing yourself to get on stage you know how many people I when they were starting out who I started with who were like they suck and now they're like they're good yeah what are the lessons so I had that one for my mom yeah which is keep you know my mom's whole thing and I think this is true and standup keep the ball in play yeah I Never say die on a show yeah I'll never throw in the towel and be like this audience suck yes I'm not going to bring it yes do you have anything like that from 10s that you bring 100% someone told me that like the difference between top players is not their Strokes like everyone has the same Strokes you see the top 300 500 players they have the same Strokes what's the difference it's their mentality it's head game and someone said like the best athletes after something bad goes wrong they did some test I don't know how this test happened I don't know if I'm making up the stat but that more of the top players had a positive thought quicker yeah yeah yeah so it's basically like you can't affect what happens to you but you can affect how you react to it have a positive thought quicker and it's how like on stage if you see Comics just sabotage themselves where before they even go on stage like this audience [ __ ] suckss and then they make it happen and then they lean into it and I'm like what I sometimes think my naivity with standup helped me cuz I didn't start as traditionally where I kind of was like oh it's kind of cool I'm here yeah and with that experience and being nice to myself I was able to kind of have more positivity with standup and I really think that's how I got a special because I was I was nice to myself and I was positive first time I did stand up was to a soldout crowd at Carolines and I did it goes and I did 10 minutes of stand up and I've never done it before you don't that's not the rules I'd been like writing sketches and tweeting I got involved in like funny video stuff but not stand and then I started a podcast and I was asked at Carolin to do a live podcast and my friend was like and I had met a lot standups through writing like sketches and stuff yeah and my friend was like do 10 who's not a standup do 10 minutes a standup take your tweets use them as premises or like tell some of your stories really smart and if I had gone the traditional route it would be like no you have to do five minutes for 3 years and open mics which does work yeah but I kind of did it and then after the show people were like my favorite part was the beginning when you were like talking to the crowd yeah and I remember being scared that I was going to have like um performance anxiety cuz tennis I had a lot of performance anxiety like double fault thing or you know like I can't hit my forehand today yeah but the stage there was like a freedom to it I felt like I was talking to my friends yeah and once I felt that I was like oh my God that's what I wanted when I was playing tennis but I never had huh cuz tennis there's a lot of nerves involved for sure you got your parents you got your coaches you got scholarships on the line and standup I was like no one even [ __ ] knows I'm doing this nobody cares nobody cares and isn't that freeing when no one cares yeah no and also like here's another Sports lesson I think for stand up this is sports podcast I know I this G I'm going to get made fun of for it people will make fun of me in the YouTube comments for sure I they make fun of me if for talking about tennis too much and I'm like look I'll get off in a second but I will say this I will say this says one of the great lessons I think I've ever learned in sports is any anyone can beat anyone on any given day ooh I think it's true of standup I think you can take any audience I think you can kill with any audience you can follow someone you can follow four people who bomb you can get them mhm I mean and you can also lose them you can have you follow four people kill and you could die yes belief is everything yeah like if you go on stage you're in a good mood you're feeling yourself another comic who's way better is for for some reason like in their head about something it it affects the performance and you can't win a match if you don't think you're going to win it yeah so it's like going on stage for me I also was like wait no one's going to say like she won or she lost like this is an expression of myself this is fun so I kind of finally found the thing in life that I felt like I could work hard with and also not deal with as many like hard depression like getting pissed off about the results cuz and once you were a little less result oriented with the standup it's crazy I things started happening with me yeah would so your dad was your coach yeah like Venus and Serena and and many and many others I was just like them except less talented no I mean think about how many sports parents were their coaches it's a very common thing my thing with my Dad yeah it was definitely difficult cuz from an early age I was like wait when I win my dad loves me so much oh my gosh oh God and and I don't have a kid yet but like I get it like I totally get the first feeling like your daughter wins something like he was like I thought I was Rocky baloa like we were running around the parking lot like just like it was the greatest feeling in the world well it's so funny I I wrote a joke that I haven't done on stage but it's basically like my dad growing up would always say it's not about winning it's about trying but he always seemed to enjoy it when I was winning and he didn't seem to care when I was trying it's so true though there's there's no getting around that you're of course you're supposed to teach your kids that it's not about winning but when they [ __ ] win it's actually kind of nice come on come on this is a sports podcast here we go let's go we want some [ __ ] losers okay no it's I remember like I I'd see we'd see dads in the park and their daughters like learning to play soccer and the dad just be like what the [ __ ] was that and like you can't help it but it's cuz you care no I know devastating I will say about my dad is that he believed in me like I don't know why he believed in me more than anything so like it it put a lot of pressure on me but there were matches where like I won purely cuz I was like my dad knows I could win like he thought I he thought I should beat anyone and that gave me this belief in myself and it could be but but it also made me feel so shitty when I lost cuz I'm like I'm supposed to be the best I mean that's deep it's it's you got to go deep I mean you didn't hit that in your special that's out now and I feel like that's got to be special too I'm so happy that I'm doing this pod right now because everyone's like you didn't do one joke about tennis and I was like cuz I haven't found the funny in it quite yet but like what you like that bit you just did I'm like I know I have stories of my dad and and the situations of the parents cuz at first I was like tennis is not relatable yeah cuz I was trying to do the low low hanging fruit no it is relatable it's relatable in in my opinion because Sports the reason why we're all obsessed with sports I'm not even someone who follows sports but the reason we're obsessed with it is because it is a metaphor for everything yeah it's it test your character test your character you're super vulnerable it's so embarrassing it's embarrassing it's literally reality TV like watching someone strike out you're like ew that was so embarrassing for him there's a famous line that someone said which is watching sports is like watching the best movie that's ever been made yes because it's actually conflict in real time and drama it's real as hell tension you can't write a better story than like an average like Mets game last night where they I'm like that was craziness come on but like so with your dad it's like what's the thing about your relationship with with your dad because you made this jump to standup comedy it's like did he come along for the ride is he good with it is he resentful that he's not part of it I think with my dad people the first thing people say I think especially with female comics and I'm not particularly dirty um like yeah I have you know queef joke here and there but people will be like whoa like his friends would be like your daughter's kind of she says some adult stuff right right and he's always he'll smile and be like I just want her to be happy and also like where the [ __ ] do you think I got it from like my I my dad is one of the funniest people I've ever met Italian dad he's actually like European mut oh okay salesman Italian mom Italian Mom okay he definitely is charming and funny and he basically is just like so he can't even fathom what I'm doing cuz he was like so close to me during that other Chase of a dream but I almost feel like he felt like oh I was with her through this now she can fly and do other things it's like he could not be better now um and sometimes I will be like do you still like are you still are you proud of me even though I didn't go pro like I'll still have those moments in my head where like he's like yeah she got all this but like she didn't do what we wanted and that's like my battle of being like regardless I should be okay CU it's not my responsibility to make him happy but knowing that he's he always said he's most proud of me because of the adversity he's like all the things that have happened to you like you just keep going and I was like oh I was looking at it purely result oriented not he's like oh whenever like you drop you bounce back higher and that's like how he sees stuff cuz like it's a lot of bumps in the road you know to do anything that the last 40 seconds of what you just said it has to be in your next show like that's that conversation with your dad cuz first of all like who asks their parent Point Blank if they're proud of them I I have not are we good are we are we good here my my dad was so funny like when I was younger he would have me like play tennis against his friends like he'd be like oh you play tennis you want to play my daughter play my daughter or like some kids like like a fast and he'll be like race my daughter like he just was like so proud this isn't a comedy special this is a movie this is a movie I was just like he was so proud of me but like obviously it [ __ ] me up cuz I was just this like I had to always perform for Daddy's love but he also was hilarious with boys too cuz I remember like once I like lost a match to I trained with a lot of guys and he pulled me aside and he was like did you lose that match on purpose cuz you liked him oh and I was like no and he goes if you ever let a boy distract you oh my gosh if you ever let a boy distract you so in my head I always was like men bad distracting winning good and that was like my mentality which kind of was feminist of him that's why you ended up with Dez Bishop cuz he's a loser he's a man but he's a loser Bishop he's my dad he's my dad I'm friends with your husband Dez Bishop that's why I I feel comfortable making a joke about it but but uh what's so funny is you're uh in your especially you call him old and I look it up I'm like he's 48 I'm like I'm 46 am I old like I thought I was middle age I know but two years you know he's not old but I but also have you considered that when you're 65 he'll be 80 then I'm just putting him in a home I love that you immediately have an answer for it I love that you didn't Flinch before saying it nice home it'll be a nice home no I get it you have a cute little nurse no you work hard you work hard you're comp yeah but I do think um when you're in your 30s and you are a girl who's you know you start becoming financially independent you know what you want like dating a guy in his 40s is nice and I think as long as there's not like a weird power Dynamic I think it's great all right there you have it you should get yourself a zad oh my god I've never heard that term shaking your head what's a aad zaddy you're a zadd what is it a zadd is like you know like an older guy who like has confidence like stuff going on you want me to get that no you're a zadd already okay then what was your advice to me regarding being a zaddy well you can get your own zaddy if you want someone older than me yeah would it be a man or a woman I don't judge like whatever you want to do well I'm a heterosexual married man what would I what would that be what would that be for me or you could what a zad be for me I don't know the term you know how Taylor Swift has you know how Taylor Swift has like a girl crew yes I think you should have a zatty crew I think you should get a bunch of Z you you think it's do you think it's women or men it's men just older men it's like a crew that are yeah like you roll into the cell like old DS though you say I'm old but I'm middleaged think I'm 46 years old I'm so definitively middle-aged no you're you're definitely middle-aged but aad cuz you have a child okay yeah what is z what's the z in zabby the Z is the janesa oh Jesus the Z is the janesa it's your you know your personality your confidence your I'm a Daddy but J qua yes okay I'll I'll accept it I don't know if it's an insult or a compliment 100% a compliment okay I I'll take it at your word gole it afterward I'll take it I'll take you at your word it's true but let's get back to your dad because because he he was like don't get caught up in like having a crush on like your your opponent definitely around like 14 years old when people start getting hormones some girls who were great at tennis would just drop off cuz they were like they discover partying so part of it was like the more you stay focused the more you like numb your emotions be like I'm not nervous I'm not scared I'm focused I don't want to go to parties I don't like boys I like this that's what makes you a champion and I sacrificed all that so then at 21 like I played one for Wisconsin I but I wasn't happy I didn't enjoy it anymore you were number one at Wisconsin yeah unbelievable it was it was like it was what I wanted to do but then you're just like still not happy and then what kept you from growing Pro I did get hit by a car but that was kind of just an excuse okay I so you had an injury but it wasn't took as a sign it wasn't a one for one yeah I took it as a sign it's also very hard to go pro financially oh come you have to pay I watch trust me I watch you watch it's [ __ ] crazy it's like trying to be it's like trying to be just to put in perspective for for listeners like he's trying to like get being a minor league baseball player impossible it's like if you're on the Knicks except you only get paid when you win you have to pay for all your travel and your coaches and your equipment forget about it it's impossible it's impossible so I basically had that moment I remember sitting down telling my mom and dad like I'm going to I think I want to see what else I think there's other things other facets to me that I want to discover yeah and I think by that time they were kind of like we're very proud of you like you're good you asked them are how proud from 1 to 10 you know when you're in the doctors like how much pain are you 1 to 10 how proud are you right now in this moment and I just they were tired to they saw that it wasn't making me I was getting panic attacks I was like very I just so it became like a drug where when you win you felt nothing but when you lost it was the worst when I won I was like thank God I [ __ ] won cuz if I lost I would have been so upset write that down put it in the show yeah that's powerful I I Because by the way you're saying is this relatable I've never played professional tennis or serious tennis I relate to that 100% that that the whole thing you're saying right now of like when essentially when the bad thing happens you feel bad when the good thing happens you feel nothing you're like thank God you're relief maybe that's a really important lesson for everyone to take in and I thought that's just life I'm trying to do something great it's painful it sucks and this is what you have to do yeah so I finally and I'm not trying to tell everyone to be a quitter cuz we were just talking about quit but there's like a funny meme going around this little girl trying to kick a soccer ball and she can't kick it it was really bad and then she does like a backflip to go to the back of the line and they were like you're not bad you're just doing the wrong thing yeah and I okay sports videos that's the one thing that gets me choked up online like a girl coming back from tripping in a track race like I'll start crying yeah yeah it it like tugs in my heartstrings but it's true and it's crazy cuz after college I go back I want I was doing some sports broadcasting like I learned how to edit videos and that was I think a huge help in my comedy that I could edit my own stuff yeah but I remember telling my mom I want to go on the subway and interview people no [ __ ] I swear to God it C asked I told her that and then I was like a that's a crazy idea fast forward 10 years later I start interviewing Comics at the stand yeah and that's what blows up yeah no I mean your your on the street videos are great you're when you start like what's the strangest thing you ever witnessed with those videos I'm obsessed with those videos it stemmed from I do think cuz like I have I'm very close to my dad and my brother and I grew up training with just mostly men and I'm kind of obsessed with understanding the male brain while also them understanding the girl brain right and feel like for some reason like even when I was doing sports interviews the guys felt comfortable with me and I felt I told the comics cuz I originally didn't want to interview Comics I wanted normal people but then they would be like oh I was drunk or don't put me in the video I'm like I want people who want to be filmed yeah I told the comics I'm like don't try to make me laugh be honest yeah and I would ask guys like honest questions like you know when a girl farts like how do you really feel and then we'd like or like like what's your favorite you know nail color on on a girl or how did how did she pee with a tampon like that type of stuff cuz I it wasn't an attack it was let's understand this together one of my favorite questions is asking the guys what do men talk about when girls aren't around cuz it's a very innocent funny concept and hearing the guys they're like we talk about [ __ ] and then they're like we actually don't talk about [ __ ] as much as you think then they're like sports uh cuz we joke that men they know each other for 10 years they don't know like one real feeling from the even know his last name his name's not py like what's his real name right so kind of instead of this like man vers woman thing kind of like understanding and finding the humor in the fact that we are misunderstanding each other sometimes yeah I think the one I've noticed recently with people is you know people for a long time and then you you go you live past in a friendship the statute of limitations of asking [ __ ] that's super basic so you'll like know someone for like 15 years do you have a kid yeah do you have a kid what city were you born in yeah that crazy I mean there is a statue of limitation no it's kind of crazy cuz like my friend Susan who I'm sure she'll hear this but like we're close from college we're like been friends for like 25 years we met freshman year in college and I I knew that her family was from Iran mhm I didn't know she was born in Iran until last week we've known each other 25 years she came to my show and Richmond we're talking and I was like but your parents are from AR she's like right but I no I was I was like my God you know it's embarrassing I also like to talk about cuz I just had like I had a bachette party a year ago and I was thinking about like Bachelor parties and how with girls it's I joke in my special how it's like a cult but it's so like we can't trust Jessica like she was supposed to wear purple and she wore blue that's great like literally we can't and then men will invite just like dudes who've done hor I'm like didn't he like cheat on your sister and they're like whoa after a couple beers like he's a good guy he's fun like men once they also like I'll see shows like two men will be like like high five in and I'm like oh how do you guys know each other they're like we just sat next to each other like two men will become friends so like the Friendship it's so different we're girls it's like we need to know like your health background every relationship you've ever been in like your signs like it's a lot more complicated the girl's relationship sometimes that's Rel but don't you think that that that that's female too like I feel like don't you think two women could sit down next to each other and just become best friends is well there there's this beautiful Simplicity of two men just being like you man I'm a man yeah let's form an alliance and women don't have that no that's interesting with but like yeah it's just and and that's what I'm kind of obsessed with and I love seeing that cuz I have this feeling that men and women men and women are different but also I feel like they're similar too or at least can understand each other more right so I've been playing with that a lot with my comedy cuz um a lot of girls go to the shows with their boyfriends yeah so then the boyfriends it's like a female locker room where I feel like they hear things that they don't normally hear right and then they're like learning some stuff and I'm like I feel like we're all we're all learning things do people ever push back and go that's not true you know if you talk about gender you know like a gender generality I feel like I guys will get annoyed I'll joke on the fact that I'll make fun of girls that we will accuse guys of gaslighting so I kind of like lean on certain tropes wait can you say that again so like I I'll joke that like men fall asleep really quickly because they're to so tired from gaslighting all day oh yeah so obviously like it's a joke because I'm not I don't really think all men are gaslighting but then then I'll joke and be like this man doesn't know what gaslighting is so I kind of play on the concepts of it right and I I it's hard to mass generalize it all but gaslighting is a term I think that people have used from therapy and they'll throw it around too much so I'm kind of leaning in to the fact that we can just he's fcking gaslighting me so the men are laughing cuz they're like yeah that's so my girlfriend and the girls are laughing because they're like yeah that's my boyfriend right so they both kind of find a I Tred to find a way to like make fun of the women while making fun of the men but then I also like I have a joke in my special bringing up Dez where I joke about a moment he was emotional oh my gosh and he thought he was having a heart attack oh end and I like to say that when guys feel any emotion besides anger they're like can you call 911 cuz I'm really uncomfortable that's really funny and I think a lot of men and doz and I still are fighting over if it was a panic attack or a stomach ache I was going to ask about that I was going to ask he says it was a stomach a he will it's so funny you have two comedians you have two comedians arguing over a very dramatic story where two full he says call 911 while you're having dinner and does he do it as a bit too yep and completely different being your special and his special so people say like how do you guys ever decide like who gets the story I go the stories are completely different all the time was there any of the celebrity interviews you couldn't use because I saw like Charlie XCX and Haley Bieber and all these people for Lawrence anything that didn't make it oh all the time all the time is it because it was controversial at the time well when you're with these bigger celebrities they have to approve of questions oh so that's that is the hard thing with these bigger interviews where the comics we can do everything um so I have to get them approved and sometimes you can't do a whole lot so then it's about me riffing off of it J La you have to send questions to Jennifer Lawrence is publicist and so she looks at the thing so then I riff and then I edit it and I send it and I pray that they keep in the riffs and Jennifer Lawrence's interview they did that's nice but I've had I've definitely had some Rogue moments like the Jonas Brothers I had to ask about like breakfast because they had a waffle song coming out and I was like how do we make this funny so I had to ask them do you like sweet or savory for breakfast and you know um Joe said like Savory and then Nick said Savory and I just on a whim was like cuz you have to like they only give you like six minutes so you just have to go when you think you have a moment so I was like what you don't think it's manly if you have a sweet breakfast and he goes I have diabetes the whole room got silent there was like 20 people who worked for them and in that moment I was like we have to get over this so we start dying laughing they start laughing we get through it but we end up it gets kept in the interview oh good and it ended up being like a good moment oh my gosh but it's like you kind of have to test like you kind of have to push the limit to see if you could get a moment otherwise it'll just be like a normal interview yeah yeah that's hard it's that's like that's a stress that's a stressful side of the job I had a moment with Cat Williams recently did you really I did this golf charity cuz I like to play golf too oh and they threw me in just to do interviews and they were like we don't know who might stop but just stand there see who wants to talk to you yeah and I was actually talking to Rory and they were like they were like Cat Williams is coming Cat Williams is coming so I was like okay Rory I'll talk to you in a bit and Cat Williams is like what this is a very bad Cat Williams impression what's going on over here what you talking about so she he comes in and I ask him something about like what's a rule in golf that you don't like and he goes on this whole long spiel about like the concept of rules and it's like going on for a long time and then I I was like I have to go for it and I go why do I feel like this sounds like you don't know any rules to go which was kind of ballsy cuz like I just met Cat Williams and I respect him so much and just goes well it takes a genius to know a genius and we had that pop and nice and it was like a beautiful moment but it's funny it's it's like sports do you take the risk and possibly lose or do you play it safe and not have a chance to win that's great it's crazy that's really nice but yeah I've definitely swung and missed at a lot of jokes but um sometimes they hit is a slow round what's what are people's favorite and least favorite things about you um probably their favorite is that I am silly and outgoing and like I'll I'll always be in a good mood like you'll never see me in a bad mood I think people like that what they don't like is like that I don't like to hang out with people oh that's interes saying so are you introverted I'm like a real homebody that's interesting so it's like when I'm out I feel like I'm Life of the Party everyone's having fun but like it takes a lot for me to go out cuz I prefer to be inside with my cat I really like that my man yeah it's really interesting so do you describe it as introverted it's funny cuz like you cannot call my ass introverted but like I I don't party I don't drink really I'm not sober I just I just don't I'm not it I prefer to eat like to eat I don't like I don't like talking I don't like big groups yeah I don't like concerts I don't like roller coaster I don't need extra adrenaline I have enough anxiety just existing in my own own self I don't need you know people are like I just love being around people I'm not that person I love oneon-one stuff but otherwise I'm I'm kind of confused great answer what's do you have a memory from your childhood that makes you cringe oh my God so many um as a kid I defin I definitely I was a ball hog oh like basketball in other SP basketball and you know as possible baseball as a B I would be the um I would pitch and then I would run and field the ball and then I would run to first base cuz I I wasn't confident the other people could do it which honestly was valid it was a very low performing team you would pitch I'd play all the bases and the coach loved it the other parents probably not so much they were like you would pitch the batter would hit you ground ball I would field it and then Sprint cuz I was very fast and dive my Dad loved it every other parent was definitely like let's kick her off the team but we were winning that is I have to say like I have no judgment for these slow wrong questions that's annoying no I also like when I play basketball like I would score all the points like cuz that's cuz I all I wanted was my dad to love me the other parents were probably like can you let another kid have the ball wow but I had a lot of pressure on me wow so now I do stand up so I don't have to pass the ball ever Jesus Christ these are I mean that's a great answer too is that too honest no it's great there is no too honest in this round I keep looking at Gary be like I I just feel like your your second special is just going to pour out of you cuz nervous about I just think all this stuff is great like if you can admit all this stuff about yourself on stage to talk about your relationship with your dad as your coach I just think it's like it's just gold do you remember a time in your childhood where you did something wrong and you got away with it or you were lying and got away with it I remember my brother and I were like left at home for one of the first times I remember we were like a little young and they were like we're going out for like an hour yeah eat your dinner we'll be back don't do anything stupid yeah and we're eating spaghetti ands as we do my brother said something annoying he's my younger brother so obviously I took the me meatball and I threw it at him and next thing you know we had a full food fight and they came home and there was just meatballs everywhere but it was one of those moments where my brother and I we looked at the white wall and we had those like okay we have to stop this fight between us and realized it's us vers mom now we have 20 minutes to try to clean this wall oh wow so we were like trying but my mom like she could smell like anything if anything was off by like an inch she'd be like what' you guys do oh wow so is that what she was like like she was meticulous she was very meticulous we threw a party once like we weren't even bad kids we threw a party once and we had moved the rug to play beer pong and she walked in and she was like were you guys playing beer pong like it was great impressive she also she was a middle school principal of a school in Brooklyn so this nothing went past that [ __ ] let's talk about new material do you have new jokes you're working on like half ideas God this is an an I'm prepared okay great so this is my first hour I've ever done yeah so it's like on Netflix now it's on Netflix now and I probably only have 15 more minutes of material period which is pretty upsetting and Dez literally goes I've forgotten more jokes than you have that is so funny so I'm I'm going to say something I'm going to make a bold Proclamation two things that you've said in this interview that straight up could be material one is literally the stories about interviewing people you talking about what you said what they said Etc even the Cat Williams thing it's like that that is material okay the other thing is because you can't assume everybody's seen every video for sure they haven't and then it's also my experience of it yes and then all the stuff you were saying about your dad being your tennis all stuff it's it's hilarious ious and it's interesting I just think people are going to be I think people are going to be way more interested in that than you realize I do think with this special I did all things that I think are the funniest but I definitely did not delve into like uniquely anything about my myself too specifically and people want to know that they do they do I think when you first start comedy you're like these people don't give a [ __ ] like let's make yeah the jokes that they want to hear um but I actually this has been so helpful cuz the tennis stuff I I feel like we've broken into a little bit and even just seeing your reaction to it um I wrote biglia bits bits that's what I wrote um okay some of this is really stupid I have really stupid ideas fine so these are we accept can I okay first I just wrote servers that memorize the orders don't be a hero don't don't play God that's funny don't my God it's not personal at all it's not what we're going for but but that was my thought it stresses me out when they do that only things could go bad I'm not that impressed anyway yeah I'm hungry also have you I mean my question in terms of like like pulling it out yeah he's like have you ever taken the step of telling the person that they should write it down I think you'll repeat it like four times for them like and and with the cheese and and with the cheese like we got it I'm like the cheese part did you get the cheese right cuz you know how people get so weirdly emotional with their food yeah like why is it like if they get your order wrong part of you dies and I would never tell them anything but like you're like this I've had a long day and all I wanted was cheddar cheese not swiss cheese yeah no I totally relate to that and what kind what it takes for you to get the assertiveness to be like hey I ordered s cheese and is it worth it no I think that's great I would just localize it just into one story you know what I mean like I think generally like when I have like an OB a about something it's like just take all the details of all the most absurb times and put it into a single story and this bit would be so perfect as a tag just in a story of me at a restaurant totally so right so right um I talked about breakups how you know when you start Googling stuff like if you're like is he a narcissist or like should I break up S you should break up or when you start making lists like a pros and cons list just like things you do it's like when you're in it you don't see it but afterwards you look at your Google history and you're like what more of a sign did you need you were Googling like is this person bad for me I feel like we've all done it though that's really funny yeah no I I've I would say this look if I'm being like completely honest like I would go into thinking about a specific time you did that for an ex yeah and just be like cuz a lot of people are like I don't want to talk about this person because I don't want them to see blah blah blah first of all they'll never see it give them a different name give him a different haircut a different a few different attributes let's say he was a valet at a restaurant that you met you know what I mean like make up things that don't matter and then say the stuff that does matter you know what I mean the emotional truth which is actually what's interesting this this is so helpful for starting new bits cuz I I definitely have a little writers block where I work so hard in the hour for so many years that then you're like how do I even put a candle to it but then I realized I'm such a better comic now but the whole concept of starting a bit which is why this podcast is so you know fun for me the idea of working it out there's so many different ways that you hit that gold completely and that's why I love like there's no rules to how you get there but sometimes you forget how the hell you ever got there well how tell me this and we'll cut and we'll cut out whatever you want if you're uncomfortable with it yeah can you tell me about a boy boy friend where you were like this dude's a narcissist but I'm not sure can you tell me don't say his don't say his name I'll give you a social security number no no but don't say his name but also like tell me like a couple things about I've definitely been with someone who like everyone was super proud that I was with oh my gosh and everyone liked him so then I thought I there was some I was sabotaging it cuz I felt that there was something wrong with him but I thought I was gaslighting myself yes and I was like you like he's perfect why I felt like I was signing a deal with the devil staying with him but no one knew but what okay so what were the red flags red flags were like I was only allowed to hang out with them on Sundays get get the [ __ ] out of there get the [ __ ] out of there get out of there if you're listening to this podcast and your boyfriend only let you hang out on Sundays get out I hang out with him for a weekend once and he came we like visited somewhere and he came back and he was like wow I thought I was going to get sick of you but I didn't oh that's awful I mean get out of there but in your young mind you're like you got oh I think he likes me write it all down right all this time I mean this is great this is so great okay third red flag any third third red flag this is just all gold I only want to hang out with you on Sunday come on he like after he wouldn't laugh at my jokes and that's ultimately why I put the foot down I'm like I don't need to see you I don't need to spend that much time with you but if I don't feel funny around you like where is the joy in life beautiful and that I mean that's a that's a beautiful way to potentially have it be red flag one very funny red flag two very funny red flag three emotional mhh and and I think your audience can handle that like like oh for sure you know your your audience knows you not just as a comedian but they know you from your podcasts they know you from your videos so in certain way they know you even better than a typical like standup comedian knows Their audience or the audience knows a stand up comedian I feel like if you did go emotional like that like I think they'll they'll roll with that I would love to I also thought of more red flags what well I dated a football player in college yeah and he wanted me to go to Bible study with him oh no and I have I've been working on this and my joke was like he is CTE so like how does he read I don't know how he does Bible study Jesus raising awareness for CTE yeah yeah of course and he also yeah he like would misspell words when he was texting me like he spelled the word isn't i i n t and I I was like we have to stand up for ourselves like for women in this moment I was like my God you spelled it wrong and he was like I'm tired from practice I'm like you don't add a letter when you're tired and I just was like we but he was so good looking it was I've got in a lot of situations where I've been in relationships where like on paper like he's the football player he's 67 he's handsome but when you're with him like he doesn't believe that your friend like is a lesbian because he thinks that she chose to be gay like crazy [ __ ] dear and we're just like not but then like that didn't last more than a week did it it lasted way longer than it should have because he was 67 Mike 67 I mean who he could pick me up he could pick me up like a like a baby I get it I get it that's good I mean I I like that I because I like the give and take of that of like of like saying the crazy thing you know doesn't believe my friends lese but whatever and then the like I was there you know also he had a great jawline he could throw yeah he could throw me over his shoulder and we could go to like a light little dainty flower around him but that is when you're younger you're trying to figure out what is the give and takes because I do joke like Disney movies are like be with the the guy who's the prince and then you're with the prince and you're like I I don't know if this is how you're supposed to feel yeah but then you also have the thing about Shrek thinking Shrek is pretty good Shrek is ugly hot Shrek is ugly hot but then you didn't marry Shrek death is not Shrek like your husband like when you did that bit I was like okay there's actually one little fla logic here which is she didn't marry a Shrek at all I was being nice about Shrek and I could acknowledge that he's ugly hot not for me right not for me but I know I did end up being with um an aesthetically pleasing looking man but I do think he is a handsome man cuz he's I do have to say cuz he's older he just is a little more like wise than previous guys I've dated and I he happens to be good looking but I appreciate his mind which was like a new thing for me cuz it was bad yeah mines are in these days do you know you could have a conversation with someone yeah yeah wow no I mean you I feel like if you go down the road of just naming off all these red flags that is going to be pure gold I still I've been working on a bit but I haven't done it full like I ended up hooking up with the mascot at Wisconsin oh there you go so there's how have I not done like a 10-minute bit about that that is so funny I know did you ever hook up like in the stands or anything like under no but he like he asked if he could wear his um oh dear thing ones is that too much for this pod welcome to callor Daddy this interview's over this interview's over he has to he can wear the thing no way did he ask if he could wear the thing I was like no I'm not your s story for your Bros are you serious he asked you to wear the I mean I feel like every guy would ask that no no you're broken do you understand that you're broken this is not a him thing okay you just gassl at me it's not my fault that he asked me okay this but that's gold I mean literally you got to just listen back to this podcast and write down all these as bits these are all great bits the mascot who asked keep the thing on I love how he had to go my thing is after the football guy I was like I want a guy who like funny and doesn't take himself so seriously but the mascots take themselves very seriously yeah they think they're very important they think they're like Spider-Man like they don't tell people that they're the mascot it's like a whole culture I feel like I feel like if you did like a three minute ramp up of like making fun of your boyfriend asking to [ __ ] you with the head on or whatever the the I think the best punch line in it is so I'm [ __ ] him with the head on you know I mean like he's an animal in the bedroom like I think it's such a I go so he asked me that and then the head was like hitting the yeah yeah exactly regardless if it's true I feel like you got to just like kind of have that be youro out the I have to have fun with it yeah it's like I don't know I just feel like that's where it has to go somehow it's also hard cuz now that you're married you're like okay I got to dig where was the fun stuff cuz if you're single with standup you're like let's go out tonight and see what could happen no totally no I think I honestly would just write down every ridiculous person you dated every narcissist every mascot every everybody and honestly narcissist mascot and and Rory goet Go on stage with bullet points of like those people and just Riff on it record it and just see what happens because you're just like a funny funny person who's had a funny interesting life and I just think I just think you're going to have an amazing bunch of specials that's my God God I appreciate that so much I feel like I just did a Master Class by Mike Veria in writing my next hour um and I'm like excited to get back on stage we do one last thing to close which is uh working out for a cause so if you have a a nonprofit that you like to support we contribute and then we link to them in the show notes I actually this I want to do a quick shout out let's do Southampton Animal Shelter oh great we have we're actually fostering a small pull named Abby who's amazing oh and she's looking for a home that's great so maybe we put Abby in the notes and it's like kitten season so there's always kittens running around I think kittens bring joy I love kittens I love do you have cats precious and Mr mustache you don't know them you know I'm a big cat person butter okay we'll talk about this next butter are you kidding me of course I love butter a food name for a cat so anyway I'm obsessed with cats I'm obsessed with animals if you having in a lonely summer adopt an animal I I saw I I took my daughter to camp today and I it was dog park oh and I'm like kills me I can't get a dog because the cats and you don't know if the cats are going to get along with the dogs it's a whole thing it's a whole deal it's a whole thing and yeah dog Dez is a dog guy I'm a cat person so our lives revolve around butter you both well Abby we keep her away from butter right and sometimes his brother takes care of Abby but Abby's like a great great dog maybe someday when I get old like your husband I'll get a dog two years from now all right that's all that's the show