Matt Willis from Busted opens up on seeking help for addiction

foreign I haven't thought about having a drink  in over 10 years you know like I haven't had a   drink in 13 years now it doesn't really ever  into my head like that's something which I   put to bed a long time ago and day by day I'm  very grateful that I don't drink anymore you   know so it doesn't really ever really enter  my head the thought of picking up a drink but   um uh something about the mind-altering state of  drugs which which still triggers me and makes me   feel because it's so instant it's like ah you  know so like and it puts me on edge you know   and I can't be around it I can't be around anyone  that's on them you know I kind of find that really   um too hard you know so I'm haven't worked  enough on that to be able to be around it   you know but I don't think I need to be you  know I don't need to be in a room with people   taking cocaine you know I don't need to do that  so like um that's and I think that's completely   reasonable you know whereas drink is part of  our culture and it's just part of what everyday   normal people do you know which is fine  you know it doesn't really bother me but   um but yeah so I don't really have a problem with  people drinking you know I go to pies and bars and   things occasionally I don't have a great time  but I go you know you talked about how you know   you're um speaking more of Emma about about what  happened previously and ways in which you can sort   of navigate the future together um is she worried  about the tour coming up has she articulated any   concerns to you obviously we're a few months away  now yeah she has you know she's um she you know   understandably that has been an amount of relapse  for me again again you know so there's always and   and and our life is really great you know it's  like why would you put yourself in favor situation   which a lot of people say to me Matt why do you  put yourself in a dangerous situation and it and   and it's because I love it you know and I  and I and I I really do you know and I feel   um I feel passionate about it and um and I am  capable of doing that clean and sober I am you   know and I'm gonna work as hard as I possibly can  to show everybody that I am capable of doing that   clean and sober and not picking up you know and  Emma understandably worries about that you know   but um but I think she she can see the work  that I put in you know as you can see where   I am see how open I am with everything and you  know like I'm I'm I'm the first person to tell   her anything you know so um and she sometimes oh  God you know but I'm sorry you know so it's it's   just it's just in me I think you know so it's  um she can see that and I think she's she's   worrying less you know but my family's going to  be on loads at the tour they're going to come in   loads of it oh excellent so they're going to come  most weekends I'll be meeting up with me wherever   I am I mean it's quite a long tour we've got 27  dates I think we've gone for about seven weeks but   and we'll um we'll I'll be meeting up with  them whenever I can and me and them are doing   um great stuff at the moment it's just um and  it's um I'm I'm with her as much as I can and   I'm happy when I'm there you know so I think  that's that's gonna carry on you seem in a   really a really good place at the moment yeah  yeah would you say so that's a yeah absolutely   you know I think we kind of um we understand each  other more than ever you know and it's like it's   it's weird it's like it's like in  a relationship that I always felt   kind of lucky to be there to me like I still do  you know I still feel very grateful very lucky   to be in that relationship don't be wrong but I  always felt like I was hanging on for dear life   you know like for so many years and I kind of um  whereas now it's a two-way partnership and it's   like it's like I'm support her she supports me and  we both get it done you know it's like that's kind   of the way it feels now and um and the the kids  are the number one prior in our life you know   some that kind of takes over with everything  else I feel very different to that guy who   did all that stuff you know like when I say that  stuff like the guy who acted the way I acted in   active addiction and kind of that kind of Matt I  feel very different to that person but that life   is is very enticing for that guy you know and  I think I'm talking about myself in the third   person which is very strange but um it it does  worry me you know because I'm very easily like lead and suede you know but I have been Beyond  strong in what I will and will not do you know   and what I'm willing to take and what I'm  not willing to take you know and um and I   have very strict boundaries around me and um and  I felt really awkward kind of doing that at the   beginning and going look I need this and I need  that and I I can't do this I can't do that and   I was met with complete love you know which was  the most incredible thing I was like absolutely   anything you need will do anything you want  you know um because in the day it's like it's   a weird relationship in a band because you're not  you're not Brothers you're not friends you're not   colleagues you're some combination of the three  I can imagine it's a really weird relationship   you know and um um but the the root of it there  is love you know and it's weird to talk about   that the other two boys because I'm sure they  wouldn't mention the same words as I would but   um but there is you know and there's a love  for each other and we want each other to to   be happy and if that means not doing it if that  makes a person happy then that's okay but if we   are going to do it we have to make sure that um  what I have to make sure that I'm safe and I'm   I'm I'm okay and I have certain parameters  that I have to meet every day you know and   um and they were more than accommodating and we've  got people we work with now but we've got a new   management team which was a big thing and um it's  actually the we're back with the management who   first started the band with oh right so like you  know that's when we were 16 years old you know   so it's like and they're like it's all right we  know who you are you know we've always known this   about you Matt you know like we're gonna make  sure you're looked after and you're kind of you   know so it's really um it feels much more easy  and um and also I I I will not allow myself to   to just disappear you know which has happened in  the in the past you know like I've I've gone in   the ban has taken hold of me and I've kind of  let go of everything I had that kept me rooted   you know whereas I don't do that anymore I kind  of keep myself as grounded as possible in who I am   and I'm not and I don't lose that Jimmy what what  were you like when you were unrooted well I kind   of um the thing is it's really hard because um  because sometimes the band has to take priority   right and and that is and everyone feels that  like it's that we press the busted button and   everything becomes all has on Deck everything's  about live sleep breathe busted you know and it's   like and that has to happen because you have to  put something that we're proud of and we we feel   is good enough for the for the level that we're  at you know and then that takes a lot of work but   I sometimes forget about everything else and all  I think about is that that you know like and it   becomes just tunnel vision absolute tunnel vision  and I think it becomes the ultimate priority it's   just is this that and that loses me you know I  kind of lose myself in that mess you know and   um and and so I have these things that I do on  a daily basis which keep me clean and sober and   and feeling good about myself and so I am I  will not let them go you know so I kind of   um I keep them and there's certain rules Within  trucks and adjusting ring little things like that   you know that because that was a bad idea for me  you know and um like I don't care it's a pretty   key rule it's a key rule for a drug addict it's a  really good idea not to have drugs around you you   know so that's um that which is fine you know the  boys have completely cool with that and all our   crew and everyone we work with are completely  know the rules and that's that's fine you know   so I really admire honestly when you talk about  how that how that lifestyle is intoxicating do   you know what I mean how you can get sort of swept  away with it yeah yeah because it's me that's the   thing like it isn't it isn't like um because I've  kind of felt like it was like I've talked about   in the past as being Matt from busted and that's  kind of a role that I play the mask that I put on   um and that's true like I did I did find myself  becoming this caricature of myself because it   fitted in with that world and I felt comfortable  when I was that guy in that world there's no blame   in my in my in my story for anybody but there is  um I see other very young artist an accident music   industry and I just hope that people are there  kind of looking out for them you know a few people   speak to mine right now and um I'm just like is  someone there you know can I go you know because   um you know it's um it's a it's a very it's  very easy to kind of go oh poor pop star you   know how you know but it's a it it's such a  weird environment it's such a strange life   change I don't think anyone can really understand  until they've experienced it what happens because   you're you're suddenly in a if if you're you know  everyday life you know you're suddenly transported   into something which is completely different  and you no longer can relate to anybody you   have related with in your entire life you know  like you you can't you can no longer your life   doesn't relate to your parents life your life  doesn't relate to your friends at home's life   your life doesn't relate to the people you love  you know and it's um and so in some ways I always   felt either show off he if I talked about anything  or that I would just be completely misunderstood   we're talking about it's amazing you know you  know that kind of thing you know so it's um it's a   really hard hard thing to understand and um and I  think that's why a lot of people go off the routes   when they hit a certain age where they've been in  this in that kind of world for a few years because   it's you you have no one to really relate to or  to talk to about what you're going through and   um and there's a lot of people earning a lot of  money from you you know so no one wants to let you   get off the train you know which is um which is go  for very problematic isn't it very problematic you   know because um because there's like yeah we're  gonna deal with that but in eight months time   because you've got a tour and you've got an album  release and you've got this I know this is going   on right now but just put it nip it in the bud  because we'll we'll do with that but by the time   that eight months has gone you've got another tour  and another thing and there's all these things   arranged you know we had diaries for three years  in advance you know so it's kind of like it's   um it's a very weird thing to go when is the right  time to to help you know and I think the right   time is from the beginning you know to kind of  always have someone who they can talk to who they   can open up with who kind of help them you know  did you have anyone to talk to your band mates   did he talks about how you're feeling or did you  keep that I kept that to myself you know I never   really talked to them about anything you know  and everybody talks to anybody really I kind of   just kept everything to myself you know which was  on which is not the right move but I didn't wanna   I didn't want to rock the boat as well you know  I was I was struggling for so many years but I   kind of didn't want to ever let on because I  didn't want anyone to think I wasn't coping   coping you know and and for it to be taken away  you know because I knew how important it was and   how important it was for everybody you know  and I kind of felt this pressure to kind of   keep a face on and kind of you know however like  if you talk to anybody who was around in those   days I was the last on the bed first one on the  bus you know I was always the I was always like   really kind of trying to prove that I was okay  you know when I was the one who was falling to   pieces but on the front I was like yep great  be there you know like everything but um but   then panicking and filled with anxiety and fear  you know so it's a really um it's a really lots   of take on board when you're that age yeah and  especially when you don't understand anything you   don't and you'd never talked about your feelings  or understood anything about mental health or any   or any kind of aspect of that you know and  um and you know I always think of it as like   like people used to say like giving up drinking  and the thought of that being like that was what   used to bother me giving up I was like I don't  give up you know I want to fight you know like   um when actually it's not giving up it's giving in  it's surrendering it's going I am struggling and I   Surrender and I I give in I can't do this anymore  I need some help and that is the most empowering   thing you can do and you'll be you'll you'll  find that people will support you and people   will love you and people will will really stand  by you with those decisions once you once you   give in that facade once you give in that that um  the the fight till the death with something that   is going to kill you you know once you it's  surrender it's not it's not it's not failure   you know it's actually it's surrender  and move forward you know and it's   um it's a beautiful thing we've seen each other  at our worst me and Dougie that we've both been   inactive addiction together and we've both been  clean together you know and we've seen each   other through those times and it's a two-way  street pursue me in him like it's not like   um I save him and or he saves me it's like a  two-way thing like it's and that's the beauty of   recovery in a way is that that that happens  between people you know and um but he's never   talked about it in a public public space because  he had the same experience as me in the beginnings   whenever he did he regretted it you know or it  caused harm to people he laughed or you know   he felt ashamed of of that stuff so he kept it  very hidden and um and I think that's part of the   problem is the shame and stigma around addiction  causes more shame of stigma around addiction   once you go once you you know shame Fades when  you show it to the light you know and I really   feel that's really strongly you know I've only  experienced nothing but remarkable breakthroughs   when I've kind of been open and honest and and  Dougie was so open and honest and said things   in a way that I could never communicate you know  he's just um he's just got a way of talking which   is so innocent but poetic in the most raw form  of poetry like he's just a really amazing guy   and he'll say things that people really resonate  with and people get a lot from and there's there's   um I'm always about what's an actionable tool you  know because like I found that with some therapy   sessions I go to the beginning I'm talking what  am I getting from this boy am I what can I do   now what what can I how can I stop using you  know what can I do like um I don't want to get   money to pray every five minutes you know what do  I do now you know I really want to take drugs you   know I really want to do this and I think that's  um and it's a really um or I just want to stop   feeling the way I feel how can I change my um  my repetitive thought patterns how can I stop   ruminating on this thought you know and there are  actionable tools for that there are things that   work for people they might not work for you but it  might maybe give them a go if they don't work try   something else you know and there's lots of things  out there and I think that's what um what from the   Dougie episode we get we get some actual tools we  get some things that he does you know things that   he learned in in therapy and rehab and things  like that and things that he still does now and   um and I learned loads from it so I'm sure  everyone else will there's so many celebrity   funded documentaries out there and stuff which  are you know they're you never really get under   the skin of a subject they're all slightly sugar  coated but this one was brutal in its honesty   um was it difficult sort of putting some of  that information out there in the public domain   um to grasp well I think for me I made a decision  that I I I really wanted to you know because I   was like everything that's been beneficial in my  life has come from telling me someone's telling   me something and me resonating or me understanding  myself a little bit more through that you know and   that that being a two-way street you know like  I talk to other people about my story and they   get something from that and I get something from  remembering that and reminding myself who I am or   who I could be you know if I slip you know like  so it's a two-way street and then and um I I for   years I kind of shied away from that because  every time I I did it every time I went near   that or talked about it it kind of became some big  scandalous headline it was taken out of proportion   I was like that's I it became almost glamorizing  and that's one thing I didn't want to do with the   with the doc I was like I I can't be and luckily  two four were amazing I had to talk camera into   being an issue really did I was gonna I was going  to ask you how much convincing you sort of took to   quite a lot yeah a lot she really wasn't really  up for it you know well unless she wasn't up for   it she she love that I was doing it and she she  knows how passionate I am about it and how much   I spend a lot of my life researching and looking  into this so she was really excited that I was   doing something with all that kind of energy and  she just wanted it to be my thing and I said but your part in this is so integral that I think  that you're gonna you're gonna say things that   people will really understand what that is a  lot more if you you know and which was which   was difficult because we hadn't really talked  about that stuff enough you know so it was um   it was like I want to bring you in and also we're  talking about some stuff that we haven't really   talked about before you know openly on camera you  know and that took a bit of a while but then we   um uh I think the result was was was amazing and I  mean we learned a lot from it as a couple we kind   of we talked about things we've never talked about  and we're we're dramatically stronger because of   it you know it kind of just shows that kind of  talking and kind of opening up really does help   you know that's really interesting that you are  you are stronger you've got that impression from   watching it actually you could almost see the  sort of the weariness etched on etched on her   face when we're going through this process yeah  and I thought that first opening scene where she's   fans finds her diary um in in in the in the draw  and it details some of your drinking I mean that   was extraordinarily powerful I've never seen that  either you know and that was like a snapshot of   a few days you know like so that was years  along that diary you know it's just like and   um yeah I mean she told me that she wrote that but  I'd never thought about it since or never seen it   and I think that was a really powerful moment it's  kind of like to show that it's not so she'd said   once um that she kind of she kind of felt like  people were thinking oh it's just a record pop   star she said it's so much more than that you know  and I think that really kind of shined a light on   that of what that is to live with you know what  that is to to love somebody and see them kind of   destroying themselves and everything you know it  was kind of um yeah I think that was a really and   to put it at the top of the film was a really  good move I think to kind of just brought it   straight in I did a lot of therapy like years ago  because I just wanted to stop using drugs you know   and everything was just about stopping drinking  stopping using drugs All Therapy was just make me   um apologizing for taking drugs and trying not to  just trying to stay clean you know and and I did   lots of sessions where I just lied and and told  the therapist what I thought they wanted me to say   because I just wanted to get a pat on the back and  told I wasn't going to use today I could go home   safe you know that's why I stated like for a long  time there was a great learning documentary about   how you're almost like blagging your way through  it all because I thought it was very yeah yeah   absolutely yeah and I was paying to lie to people  you know for for no benefit really but I felt like   I was getting something from it because I felt  like they thought I was doing good and I could   walk away happy you know but in fact I wasn't ever  getting to the root of the problem and I've done a   lot of that in therapy but I've done a lot of  that on my own you know like um like I write   loads of stuff down like I write um I I write  all the time and I find that's really helpful   for me because I can actually look at it then and  I can be really brutally honest and truthful and   say this is this is this what is that you know and  then when you see it you're like oh that's that's   that's no longer the truth do you mean like  that's kind of like that's I have these ways   of thinking about it I'm like when something's  happening when I'm triggered or when I'm acting   a certain way I can now take a little bit of  a step back and go is that fact or is that a   thought you know it's normally a four you know  and I'm not right where's that thought come from   I can kind of Trace that back which is a bit  laborious and boring and I wish I could just   go oh it's just silly don't worry about it but  I can't I can hold on to these things I need to   work backwards yeah what are those triggers  now can you can you identify what they are   um I mean I have a real kind of rejection issue  like um but that's kind of something that keeps   coming up for me like anytime I feel kind of like  bullied or or rejected or or picked on that can   really and it can be something which is not meant  to be that like I'm not really getting bullied or   picked up you know but I can take it that way  and it can trigger me in a way that maybe will   act like an absolute dick for days you know and  then I have to kind of go what is that right okay   that's because I felt less than I felt bullied I  felt you know I felt you know ashamed you know or   being me I wasn't expecting you to say that really  we went to this how what situations are you in can   you give me an example I think it's any time I'm  not listened to you know like I'm not very I'm not   confrontational you know which is something  which I used to be but I I used to be quiet   aggressively confrontational you know but the  but only because I wanted my point to be right   and I'd fight the wrong point for no reason  you know but whereas now it's if I'm not if   I don't feel I mean I can't really think of an  example right now but if I'm not if I if I feel   um it's all from low self-worth I  think you know like and if I feel that   um I don't like to feel that anymore and  I've had that voice for a long time kind of   ruining everything for me so I'm I'm not fond of  that anymore I know whenever I do I react badly   to it and I um and I can I can spiral so I kind of  very quickly have to check myself I always thought   um with therapy I wouldn't know what to say  you know what do they want from me what do I   have to say am I bad enough you know like is my  story worthy enough well this kind of stuff I'd   worry about with therapy or I'd be like no one  wants to listen to me bore them about my poor   life you know whatever that is you know I'm  like get out of yourself when actually it's the   opposite of that like it's just um talking with  somebody and finding the right relationship with   somebody that's what it is it's about finding  someone who you feel comfortable with and   that doesn't happen instantly it can take a few  sessions and can take a little while but you'll   get somewhere and you'll get somewhere you didn't  expect to and before you know it you're talking   about things that actually really affect you and  um and you can you can find a new way of looking   at them which is what I've done is I've found  different ways of these things which are these   things which are secrets which I keep you know  that um I remember when I first went to rehab and   people were talking openly in a in a circle of um  I mean a men's group and we sat down as as men and   they were talking openly about feelings and what  they felt and like how they reacted things I was   like whoa whoa whoa don't don't you don't say this  out loud they're gonna hook you up you know like I   said if I'd say they're gonna they're gonna take  me away when actually you know it's like everyone   goes through this stuff you know like most men  feel these things but we have ways of I don't   know I think it's kind of like this describe it  as a scaffolding we build up around ourselves you   know from a very young age like Boys Don't Cry he  can't carry on man up all this kind of stuff that   we kind of build up on ourselves that we pretend  is us and it kind of holds us up and when you   start peeling those things away you kind of get to  the the essence of the way you feel in a way and   that's and that's what I try to do you know and  I still struggle with it I still try to do that   stuff on a daily basis but sometimes it doesn't  work you know sometimes I react differently you   know but that's just life but I'm very quick  to notice it I'm very quick to say sorry