non political twitter

I hate when eggs do this this only happens when you don't know how to cook them properly oh okay egg connoisseur oh look at me I'm the I'm the egg expert oh oh okay look at me I know how to cook my eggs properly oh whatever dude freaking touch Grass Doctor do you smoke or drink me yes doctor okay me are you mad at me no the do going to the doctor like it's an interview you man get me I don't want to I can I have other skills the only part of the Olympics I can truly relate to is the Canadian swimmer who didn't realize she won Gold because she wasn't wearing her glasses in the pool yeah she had no idea she was uh still blinded absolutely only for those brave enough hi Walmart uh I don't think mushrooms will work what I wanted was uh tampons uh but I'm not sure whole white mushrooms will do the trick I can try but I can't promise it'll be a successful Mission I just be chilling and all of a sudden my ear goes why does that happen I think that's tonius my friend uh an ear injury think you're playing things too loud in your ear and you've gotten tontis just found the most ridiculous thing ever to crochet be right back in like 5 hours or however long it takes me bananasaurus oh dude rare species lost a time you've done it Hotel California yeah I said it you know what F your favorite song tell me you're absolutely least favorite song one you just absolutely hate with all your heart oo I can give you three hold on I got to look them up uh I hate I hate the uh uh song UCLA by RL Grime I think that song is uh absolutely terrible uh I hate what else do I hate I hate uh I hate uh the neighborhood's Sweater Weather I don't think that song is good at all and uh let me pick one more really round it out uh the last song that I I think should be removed from the the the annals of of music history that goddamn yodel song by AJR and listen on the last one I get it I know I know that thirsty is supposed to be like a weird song but you know you can be I still hate it honestly my first time seeing a black book ever for those MFS who hate light mode do you all read your books that look like this huh I mean dude you thought you snapped with this but you showed us the sickest looking book ever I've never seen a black book before myself why would he be made that's really really neat I don't even know I guess it's just like a stylistic choice but that looks sick it looks like a like a a spell book you know YouTube breakup vids are so funny cuz what do you mean you posed like this for the thumbnail you know that's a fantastic point that is a that is a great point and this may may not have been the first shot either right they may have you know tooken a couple different photos for the thumbnail of like we got to really encapsulate the the Heartbreak of our breakup here because it wasn't just our relationship it was the audience's relationship to uh the are just as invested in this as we are so you know we we really got to work on something here husband built a fire in the fire pit and then stared at it with his hands on his hips for 5 minutes and said dude fire is so sick caveman must have been so pped I could imagine if you could go back in time to when fire was first I I I suppose not invented but discover right how do you think those cavemen celebrated because they must have been eating raw food exclusively beforehand and they've just discovered a way to cook the food there's a whole new uh expansion to The Culinary Mastery he could have I think they would have to learn really quickly not to touch the fire they must have been feeling like uh Doc O you know the power of the sun and the palm of my hands but with fire evil Travolta mogs the audience dude look no dude that's the e that's the evil Giovani Vinci straight out of SmackDown dude Simone biles does the most incredible thing you've ever seen a human do NBC producer okay great now cut the evil Travolta give me evil Travolta on one ASAP there he is yeah he's scheming isn't he look at them evil plots and and things all sorts of all sorts of schemes in his mind mountain lion that made schools go into lockdown turned out to be quote a fat ass cat dude Garfield that was one dude he smelled the lasagna from the school and he was like oh you know I hate Mondays but lasagna day can't miss it not to be super American but why does a lot of the English-speaking World other than us seem to suck ass at french fries you're just eating these huge slimy steak fries all the time could I move to New Zealand and make millions introducing you to curly fries what's going on like what what are you what are your guys' deal with the fries Olympic commentator grandma is full of surprises breaking Simone biles holds off Brazil's Rebecca Andrade for all-around gold at 27 she's the oldest Olympic women's gymnastics champ since 1952 you I'm only 35 I hold my whole life ahead of me sports broadcaster here comes the oldest player in the league he's 32 a miracle well you know I do feel like when you get into really physically demanding things like when I see wrestlers who are in their late 40s early 50s it is remarkable that they both have the physique they have and do the the career the the they have you know like when you look at someone like uh R Truth dude is like 52 and he's he performs amazing the dude moves like he's 30 or takes someone who is like like AJ Styles La Knight like these guys are in their 40s and they are moving and something so physically demanding it's it's insane to keep up that kind of regimen and it's not even just in that like look at like Hugh Jackman dude is absolutely yoked for his age he's like what Hugh Jackman is like 55 and he looks the way he does it's remarkable and some would argue a little frightening me I would argue that me driving to the store yeah I'm a total store pilled food cell I'm basically going store mode and I'm giving produce core Vibes my 8-year-old son dolin Daddy I think God should kill you oh he will son he'll be he'll be death maxing anyone else get the vibe that hammerhead sharks fell off when I was a kid I felt like they were a top two or three shark and now I never think about them it's cuz we learned about the frilled shark and the goblin shark which are two of the most frightening sharks known to man uh let's not even talk about a basking shark those are made out of goddamn Satan fuel all of those sharks are far more frightening uh both an appearance and function than the Hammerhead uh you know what's its gimmick oh its eyes are on either side of its head yeah dude good job stealing that from uh what What's another fish that has weird eyes flounders have weird eyes good job dude stealing the FL Founders gimmick nice we rushed our dog to the emergency 24-hour vet after a day at the beach because she was acting skittish about her tail was it broken 1 2 a.m. x-ray later and the vet says she has happy tail syndrome that is the most adorable name for a syndrome I've ever heard meaning she wagged it so hard on her Beach day that it was sore oh she loved the beach that's awesome my husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date so he walked over to me at the bar and asked hi gorgeous can I buy you a a drink I replied get lost I'm not falling for that again oh oh that's fun that's fun and silly I taught chat GPT hypnosis last night then I had it tested on me you have no idea what's coming no idea no I won't be sharing the prompts far too dangerous I love that he's like no I won't share the prompts Scott Adams what did you do what what what did you do that you were going to blame on on chat GPT hypnosis this was only the biggest it outage ever if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century talk about an it out at Jam my right there was nothing going on anywhere when I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it's so romantic two lovers on a date one of them carrying a knife for some reason and you know desecrating the environment oh just how it tugs at the heartstrings makes me swoon been noticing this weird thing lately where if I eat high protein foods in the middle of the day instead of pretzels and Candy I don't need a 90-minute nap every single afternoon like usual sadly we'll never know if there's a connection but you know interesting thing to think about huh nature is healing Pizza Hut is bringing back its beloved lunch buffet let's go dude I had that all the time when I was a kid I unless they have gluten-free zah I can't do it no more though but we are so back let's fing go dude I remember I used to go to a place called cce's Pizza back when I was a kid uh was when I was living in Florida and cce's pizza had the hookup dude they had the regular pizza and then they had this dessert pizza that was fire hell yeah dude a nightmare YouTube feature where only one person can watch a video at a time you are currently 95,0 180 that's an insane number it's an insane number that I'm not going to try and do uh to pronounce watching ad just skip a 100 places in line oh don't say that now you got all the all the all the mization Bros looking their chops including me both of these scenes mean nothing now well you know comic rule number one buddy no one stays dead except Uncle Ben dear God why is sometimes wiping my butt so easy and sometimes it's like cleaning an oil spill penguin I am going to put yall on to uh getting up a day avoid all of that trouble avoid all that nonsense get up a day thank me later in fact when you get it right in the comments of this video thanks Daman I didn't realize how easy life could be and I'll say you're welcome you guys really got to stop asking athletes what's next after they win a medal at the Olympics let's let us soak up the moment we've worked our whole lives for uh that's totally fair I think that is that is a completely fair thing uh unless the answer is I'm going to Disney World uh if you're saying that I think that's a funny reference I I've seen that Meme before and I like that one I think the type of person that angers me the most is the type of person whose immediate response to any inconvenience is panic especially if the inconvenience can be solved with just a bit of patience if a little bit of patience is going to go a long way just take a breath it's not the end of the world everything's going to be fine dude don't even worry about it happy 3-year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6:00 a.m. and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter who was afraid of mascots down the street in Chicago things get wild she was there to terrorize her daughter in the in the best place to do it who the f reheats a Chipotle Bowl me because I'm poor understandable sorry I didn't mean you know shout out poor people shout out your reheatable Chipotle bowls that's what's up that's that's on microwaves weird flex but okay Professor most of you won't pass this course me cool so you're like really at your job right like that that's why we wouldn't pass is because you don't know how to teach you're just here for the paycheck awesome got it me reading academic research papers for the first time I hate how research papers are written so much yapping in them just get to the point bro give me a tldd r i don't got time for all this stuff in here he's on to something I've been begging my 9-year-old to write out his Christmas wish list he refuses he finally admitted that he's conducting an experiment to find out if Santa's real he whispered his wish list aloud at an empty room because Santa and no one else could hear it send help kid is a kid's doing an experiment he's a smart kid he's like you know what you won't rip the Band-Aid off so I'm going to find out if Santa's real or not that's when you got to install cameras where he's doing this uh whisper you know what I mean so when you got to conduct covert Ops on your kid to make sure you get his wish list right to keep the dream of Santa alive this week would [ __ ] suck [ __ ] yo The Magic Treehouse books Civil War on Sunday Twister on Tuesday Revolutionary War on Wednesday it'd be cool to live in those historic moments but yeah that would be the worst week of all time what is the world record 54 minutes early my new domestic record there's a Pilot Speed running Community oh yeah oh yeah and they learn all the all the splits to get to where they got to go quickly my favorite thing about sports is how people dedicate their lives to something that makes them chronically depressed it's you know the passion that really driv them but the depression that really motivates them it's insane I saw a Reddit post by someone with extreme anxiety asking how to order a sandwich at Subway because they never tried it and someone replied and wrote out a step-by-step instruction without being snarky or judgmental and it's the kindest sweetest thing I've seen in months well that's just a night that was just a sweet post I've seen that one before that's a really nice one someone just helping out because you're too nervous to order a sandwich at Subway beautiful beautiful sunburns are the Real Testament of man's hubris you knew of the sun's wrath all you had to do to prevent it was put on the cream which is cheap and plentiful but no you decided to throw hands with a literal ball of fire and now your face hurts your path of Salvation was the cream but you you were too confident your ego blinded you and now you have to feel the wrath of the sun on your face your back your chest take a shower I dare you it'll feel like thousands of hot coals that's when you slap them on the sunburn my daughter's year three teacher is the absolute goat she single-handedly crocheted a mini me of each kid in her class as an end ofe gift approximately 8 hours per doll even the hairstyles and clothes are spoton what a legend and how many dolls do we got at 8 hours per doll how many dolls do we got here it's like what $30 dolls $30 dolls at8 hours per doll is like 240 hours of crocheting that's what's up that's real sentimental that's awesome Tech enthusiasts versus Tech workers Tech enthusiasts my entire house is smart Tech workers the only piece of technology in my house is a printer and I keep a gun next to it so I can shoot it if it makes a noise I don't recognize keep that thing on me for a reason Murray retires after Olympic defeat never even like tennis anyway dude get out of there you're free now go go on get what controversial opinion will have you in this position ooha I got one if you can tongue kiss the person you can use their toothbrush scandalous we named our plastic containers after a multi-level marketing scheme why is that the origin of Tupperware Tupperware is an MLM I guess it's because like it Tupperware the actual brand Tupperware is probably crazy overpriced but it's just becoming a thing like trusting the label you know what I mean I'll get my tupperware sure for like you know for cheap but I'm not going to go to a dedicated Tupperware event I'm not I'm not going to do that get your hand off my shell what is the charge eating a plant a succulent garden plant oh beautiful let him go free him our terrible World receipt is printed do you want your receipt no receipt goes in trash a Utopia do you want your receipt no ungodly piece of paper is never even born oh saved we saved the planet one receip at a time dude and hathway and Zena they look like two vampire queens of rival covens who are conspiring to work together to destroy their common enemy what are they plotting what are they thinking what are they scheming never give 100% at work they'll expect that every day always give 50% so when you give 25% they'll think you're just having an off day and if you ever give 75% they'll give you a raise H yeah work smarter not harder dude I'm so glad they make edible substitutes for chewing on drywall and cables it's something I always want to do but you know it's unsafe but here we are Licorice and Wafers feels like I'm making a house hippopotamus can become airborne for substantial periods of time researchers discover they can what no way is that true no way is that true oh okay well I mean it's not that substantial they can stay up in the air for Up to. 3 seconds at a time when moving it speed uh why why are these animals who why why I don't know why they were made I don't know I don't know what kind of sick trick the world was playing on us when they invented these these water monsters I'm at the coffee shop and there's a couple on what sounds like a first date at the next table and he just told her that he's an alpha male and she asked is that like a furry thing it made a face and I want to tell her to ditch before Oh God is that a furry thing I want to tell her to ditch her horrible date and be my friend dude that's great that's fantastic could you imagine being a fly on thewall in that conversation like this person was the best email signature I've ever seen it is normal for me to take two days to read my emails and two more days to reflect on the matter and respond calmly the culture of immediacy and the constant fragmentation of time are not very compatible with the kind of life I lead in other words uh yeah I read that but I'm not going to get back to it for a little while fantastic corpo like the the way this is phrased oh beautiful love it best corpo signature ever I asked my Grandma if she had a hard time moving to NYC from Poland as a teen and going to high school in BK knowing zero English and if people didn't want to be friends with her Etc and she held my shoulder and looked me in the eyes and said Austin I was gorgeous everyone wanted to be my friend didn't need to know any English they didn't care marathons guys the history of marathons is kind of whack a guy in ancient Greece died after running 26 miles and what do we do to honor him rerun 26 miles and not die people decide to just Flex on him for the rest of Eternity if anyone pulls something like that on me it's instant hands well you'll be a ghost so maybe instant haunting kid has priorities HR at my work just called me and thought I was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister's been commenting on their Instagram every day telling them to give me a raise kids right kids said hey give my give uh give my sister a raise I don't care what she does give her give her a million dollar more she's looking out for you