Browse Transcripts

Category: Comedy

Please mr president stick to the economy and uh the border anything other than ohio haitians eating pets so what does he do well he waddles right out there and says this in springfield they're eating the dogs the people that came in they're eating the cats they're eating they're eating the pets of the... Read more

Category: Comedy

Jimmy kimmel no talent now he wouldn't do a show i guy's terrible jimmy kimmel show's practically dead nobody will watch jimmy kimmel every night his ratings are terrible he's not a talented guy i thought he was our lousy host jimmy kimel live jimmy i love you so much [applause] Read more

Category: Education

मैं ना उससे शादी करूंगी जिसका कारोबार ऊंचा होगा तो मुझसे कर लो क्यों क्योंकि मैं पहाड़ों पर बकरी चराता हूं ना Read more

Category: People & Blogs

Usually when donald trump gets a spanking like this from a woman it's with a forbes magazine what a what a k was pushing his buttons like a 12-year-old playing fortnite it was oh this was a much better debate than the last debate uh this is like the lion king when simba came back to avenge mufasa trump's... Read more

Category: People & Blogs

Hi my fellow americans i'm jy kimmel i'm a host of the show thank you for joining us after the debate all eyes from se to shining sea were on the city of brotherly love tonight for the debate of the decade vice president kla harris versus former president donald trump it was like watching the lorax... Read more

Category: People & Blogs

Un word she totally freaking slated home dog i mean my girl was poised articulate and laid out a bitching vision for the future of this bitching nation she knocked it out of the skate park bro Read more

Category: People & Blogs

You're welcome you're welcome man how is it possible that half of this country thinks it's a good idea to give the guy who tried to overthrow our government another chance to run our government like if someone poisoned all the jalapeno poppers at tgi fridays you wouldn't interview them to be the chef... Read more

Category: People & Blogs

Giving our former president a well-deserved chance to nap and fart at home and according to one of his friends trump has been miserable in court they put this st in to create havoc these are bad people i know everything they do and i know every move they make i get it the terrible courtroom drama that... Read more

Category: Comedy

Thank you for watching thank you for thir time i appreciate you braving the the intense heat to join us here in hollywood and while i have your attention i just want to take a minute to give thanks to whoever it was who invented air conditioning i mean man oh man we should be thanking god for that person... Read more

Category: Sports

I had to hear what aaron rogers had to say in response to jimmy kimmel's monologue last night i'm not going to go through the whole history if you've been paying attention you know and this is in a nutshell just in a nutshell last week rogers gratuitously suggests implies that jimmy kimmel is on the... Read more

Category: News & Politics

Jimmy kimmel cheekily reacts to jimmy fallon’s late-night episode cancellation Read more

Category: Comedy

Our next guest is a member of congress who is doing everything he can to make c-span exciting have you all lost your minds donald trump opposes it because donald trump wants to be president because donald trump has 91 felony counts that he's facing and the only way that those go away and he is not held... Read more

Category: Comedy

Our next guest is yet another handsome man with the face of a greek god and skin like a baby dolphin is extremely animated new movie is called migration come on we got to get ready mac ready for what nothing just you know for our big super fun family migration what h bet you didn't see that coming are... Read more

Category: Comedy

Welcome to jimmy k live i am your guest host c nani thank you for coming this is my first time ever hosting a late night talk show never done it before i am so excited to be here what a super chill time to be doing a topical monologue on national television just sharing your personal opinions with millions... Read more

Category: Comedy

Our first guest tonight is a funny and talented comedian tickets for her alive and unwell tour are available at nikki glazer docomo welcome nikki [applause] glazer thank you so much for doing this you so good at this what never you the whole point to where i'm supposed to sit well as if there was anywhere... Read more

Category: Comedy

A few months ago i had the great honor of giving the commencement speech to cornell's graduating class of 2024 i did i don't know why they asked me i did not go to cornell past speakers have included presidents biden and clinton maya angelou and me the guy from hotb time machine 2o and while i gave... Read more

Category: Comedy

Our first guest tonight is a very talented man uh who joins an army of other very talented people including steve martin and martin short you can see season four of only murders in the building on hulu now please welcome kumel nan [applause] johnny wow wow very good to see you and i must say thank you... Read more

Category: Entertainment

Right before we sat down there was huge breaking news out of the court that aaron has now been declared not guilty of murder so i'm curious what your reaction is to that well of course i'm i'm thrilled um i mean it's how it should have always been um i don't think that he should have been found guilty... Read more

Category: Sports

Hey dad el and i were talking getting ready for the next season of the manning cast you got any ideas yeah i have an idea tony tony wow payton again we are not giving omaha its own section at epcot no no no i have a new idea bob eli and i are going to try to win a tony award can you just get us a theater... Read more

Category: People & Blogs

The clock is ticking just a few days until november 5th election day and things are heating up like never before the political landscape is shifting and we're seeing unexpected twists and turns kamla harris the surprised democratic nominee is surging in the polls while donald trump seems to be laying... Read more