Kumail Nanjiani on Taking His 15-Year-Old Cat Bagel to the Vet & Learning About Duck Penises

our next guest is yet another handsome man with the face of a Greek god and skin like a baby dolphin is extremely animated new movie is called migration come on we got to get ready Mac ready for what nothing just you know for our big super fun family migration what H bet you didn't see that coming are you serious yep an adventure into the totally unknown and I'm going to love it migration opens the theaters December 22nd say hello to Camille non [Applause] Johnny how are you I'm great how are you I'm doing great it's great to see you thanks for coming oh thanks for having me look what I have this oh that is very very familiar to me so this I was at my friend Martin star's wedding him and uh Alex got married and he had the saki cups made uh this is based on my cat Bagel based on your and it's made by your daughter that's right my daughter Katie made these I'll show you what she really looks like that's her oh that is Bagel look at her so your friend had specific custom cups made for each pet owner at the I think the ones that he you like the most yeah yeah and and so we got prettyful I did you know that Katie had made these or he tell you this I look underneath oh it says her name on it yeah okay it says yeah I guess that that explains it yeah Bagel uh yeah Bagel h ni are you like crazy about bagel I love Bagel too much like it's a problem we call her uh everything bagel cuz she is everything to us oh really yeah it's disgusting our love for her is disgusting she just turned 15 oh okay yeah what does that reaction mean I I I know how time works Jimmy it's not a surprise I've never owned a cat how long what's the lifespan on a cat uh hundreds of years I hope yeah 15 is you know pretty Advanced for a cat but people always have that reaction when I'm like she turned 15 they're like oh like when George mentioned his dad was 90 you weren't like oh you know you don't do that for humans it wasn't it wasn't oh it was oh it was more of an oh yeah oh oh well at least you'll always have the cup and my cat because I will pass before she does and you know it's it sort of snuck up on me that she's quite Advanced at at 15 because you know with cats there are no like markers for passage of time like they don't like learn to drive and get married go to college like I got Bagel when she was this little I got her when she was 2 weeks this little couple months later she was this big and since then she has looked exactly the same and learned zero new things she still doesn't understand English and so it was a shock when we took her to the vet a few years ago and they were like you know with geriatric cats I was like what do you mean geriatric this is a little baby are you an idiot were you offended and startled by that yeah I pulled out a laser pointer like is this the behavior of an adult yeah the word geriatric is loaded it's very intense they use that with pregnancies with women who are in their early 40s they'll say it's a geriatric pregnancy and I imagine they get hit a lot oh I I would think that that would mean that you're going to have like a really old baby a Benjamin Button type like a old brat p baby um but we were in London earlier this year and I brought bigel with with us cuz love her too much and she started having some health issues oh yeah and so we took her to the vet and there were a bunch of tests and then the final sort of meeting where they told us you know there's a British vet and he's telling us what's wrong with her and it wasn't you know it's not great news and um I knew it wasn't going well the meeting because as soon as I got home the first thing I did was I Googled are vets even real doctors turns out they are they have to go to school and everything yeah yeah yeah and like you know for human doctors they have to deal with the human body vets have to deal with every other kind of body in the universe like you could take an iguana or a peacock and they'd have to be like all right let's see what's going on inside this thing yeah they have to know where the butthole is on both those things our doctors not only do they only have to to deal with the human body they each Take A Part they're like I'm the ear nose and throat I'll take the heart I'll take you know the yeah and this is like all parts of every animal it's true that's a really good point they're like super doctors exactly I think it's just like there's big animal and small animal doctors and that's just based on the size of the table that they have right you can't put a cat on a horse table you don't have you can't put a horse on a cat table as the old vet saying goes yeah that's the first thing they teach you at vet school don't put a horse on a cat table and so so he's telling me this and uh you know sort of bad news and I don't know what my face did but this British man got really awkward and he started like looking for something and he couldn't find what he was looking for and then you know that doctors have that table paper that they pull out that's made of the same material as like toilet seat covers in airport that paper that's somehow really thin and really hard at the same time like a loud paper he rips off a piece and gives it to me and I'm like oh he thinks I'm going to cry and so I'm like I don't need this I'm not g and before I can finish just tears tears down my face and I'm like now trying to use this piece of paper and it's not absorbent at all I'm just relocating the tears around my face I have tears on my for head which is a new sensation and I've crumpled it it's real sharp I'm cutting up my face just like a wet scratched up face I walk out looking like Freddy Krueger in the rain this is this is rid no wonder he's not dealing with humans yeah yeah I I did not handle it well and so now we have like a a bunch of meds to give her which I don't know if you ever tried medicating a cat no I haven't no it's the new Saw movie one of of the challenges is they have to medicate a cat everyone dies it's hard huh it's hard so we have to give her five pills a day and they're like it's easy just put it in her food and so we're like okay it's not imagine if you're at a restaurant and you're eating spaghetti and there's five Tylenols in it you get suspicious yeah yeah You' be like this restaurant sucks I'm leaving oh my back doesn't hurt anymore well it's interesting now that you're playing you know so much about animals and now you're playing a duck which really can come in handy in a lot of ways yeah I didn't I did very little research you did no research huh I Googled well I know one thing about ducks but you don't want to know what it is oh really it's a bad it's not a good thing is it does it involve no I guess there's two bad things there's two bad things yeah wow what's the bad thing about a duck they have spiral ship penises oh they do yeah so you know I found some common ground wow that's I did I knew that about pigs I didn't know not know that ducks had that too these are just the male ducks I'm guessing Ju Just yeah just the male ducks and for their body they're they're sizable uh really compared to the size of like for like it's like percentage wise it's a big penis yeah really and that's what attracted you to the part [Laughter] yeah well I have to say I I thank you because uh it's great to have a really good funny animated movie over the holidays right and because you know you have a couple there's migration with talking ducks and then uh George's movie so you have a couple different options like we didn't have to audition an actor to play Hitler you had no there's no Hitler job no although I did audition to play Hitler for his movie he did yeah and they said I didn't quite nail the accent K not Johnny everybody migration is movie it opens in theater December 22nd we'll be back with Lenny travit