Trump Wants to Lock Up Late Night Hosts, Prepares to Debate Kamala & Melania Has a New Book

thank you for watching thank you for thir time I appreciate you braving the the intense heat to join us here in Hollywood and while I have your attention I just want to take a minute to give thanks to whoever it was who invented air conditioning I mean man oh man we should be thanking God for that person every day the light bulb we can live without we all know Thomas ederson we don't know who did this you know it's 119° in the valley over the weekend it's September it's 100 it is so hot when I went outside to pee on Matt Damon Star this morning turned to steam it evaporated there have been power outages you know Madam uh T sod's wax museum it's right across the street from us and I'm a little bit worried about my wax figure they have a wax figure of me over there you know and these wax figures are made of wax so I sent GMO to run across the street to check it out is he um there yet okay hey GMO how how is it is my figure yeah pretty good oh no your hair looks great okay well thank you gyo hey you guys want to take a picture with Jimmy Kimmel okay yeah strange that the other statues didn't melt at all and then it's by the way special welcome to those of you joining us after Monday Night Football tonight Aaron Rogers tonight strapped on his tinfoil helmet for another madap season as a San Francisco 49ers host of the New York Jets this year you know players have the option to wear these protective helmet bumpers next to nobody did wear them because this is what they look like this is jail Peppers of the Patriots and Josh Wy from the Titans to who are two of the only smart players in football they were willing to look ridiculous they were willing to look like Rick Moranis and Spaceballs in order to protect their brains from from injury they do need to come up with a better design than that one of the players reasons the players have been unwar willing to wear them is because you when your head tilts backwards which it does often uh a piece of candy pops out of your neck you know a sport is too dangerous when even the helmets need helmets what a weak this is for ABC tonight we had money Night Football the de debate is on ABC tomorrow this is a rare week when our Network what do we used to call those viewers when we have viewers tomorrow in Philadelphia it's KLA Harris versus Donald Trump the candidates will field questions on all the big issues the economy immigration electrocution sharks everything we care about there's a lot of riding on this if comma doesn't do well you know come January our national bird might be the Kentucky Fried Chicken so a lot of Democrats were freaking out about this New York Times poll that came out yesterday and that showed Trump up by 1% nationally going into the debate the Trump people were celebrating which is surprising from the guy who said the failing New York Times has been wrong about me from the very beginning said I would lose the primaries then the general election fake news I guess the news at the New York Times is only occasionally fake I don't know why we get so worked up about this stuff there's nothing scientific about these polls Hillary Clinton was supposed to win in a landslide according to these polls has anyone you know ever taken one of these polls has anyone in this audience ever taken one of these polls no you know why they call you on the phone the New York Times should say Donald Trump has a 1% lead among lunatics who answer unknown calls on their telephone both candidates are preparing for the debate in their own way they say Harris has been doing highly choreographed rehearsals with a stage and replica TV lighting and an advisor in full Lee strawberg method acting mode playing the part of Donald Trump I don't know is she trying to win an election or a Tony Award here because how can you possibly prepare to debate Donald Trump this is a man who if he doesn't like the direction a hurricane is going just draws a new hurricane on the map you can't debate that it's like if they tried to fly Bruce Willis up to the asteroid to reason with it instead of blow it up K is a 2 and 1 half to one favor to win the debate whatever that means Ian you can actually bet on it you can bet on all sorts of things for this debate like the Super Bowl they're called prop bets you can bet on the color of Trump's tie red is the favorite if you bet $1,200 on red you can win $100 blue you can bet1 to win $550 silver or gray goes off at 14 to1 and if he wears a bow tie you can win 100 to one you know he's going to bet all his truth social stock on bow and show up looking like an obese Orville Redenbacher right you can also bet on whether Trump will say the words comrad comma tampon Tim Witch Hunt and also you can bet on whether or not they will shake hands no is the heavy F I would go heavy on no because those two are not going to shake hand if I was Comm you know do i' give him a little pinch on the cheek when I came out Trump of course is claiming that the debate is rigged against him even though it hasn't happened yet over the weekend he announced that no boxes or artificial lifts will be allowed for commo who is 5'4 to stand on because he says it would be a form of cheating and the Democrats cheat enough that's right you know cheating is only allowed when it comes to wives taxes in every round of golf and he's ever played otherwise Trump as you know is a very focused individual he yesterday uh as he prepared for the debate he posted happy birthday Mary as if the Virgin Mary is on Truth social and he followed that with this tiny thumbs up for Hulk Hogan beer real American Beer Hulk Hogan is doing a beer and if he's doing it must be good great looking Canon logo give it a try djt so presidential you know Trump was in Wisconsin on Saturday where once again he got himself all worked up over the fact that Tim Walls called him weird JD solid I'm solid they said this was just a sound bite they gave it to all the fake news the fake news they're weird no he's weird he is really weird this guy can you imagine I'm weird I mean come on since when is a guy who throws ketchup and listens to Phantom of the Opera on repeat over and over again weird it's not weird and then Donnie dum dum noticed something in the sky he's easily distracted and steered the conversation to his new billionaire friend Elon Musk oh there's a rocket oh there look a Rocket's flying it's Elon Boeing uh had a little hard time as you had so they're going to save Leon's going to send up a rocket he looks forward to it that's all he thinks about is things like that is that what Leon's thinking about sorry Elon you're Leon now it's the anagram has spoken and you're Leon from here on meanwhile down south Trump's future daughter-in-law Kimberly gilfoil was wowing the crowd at the Florida Republican party Victory dinner and act three is the art of the comeback the art of the what the art of the comeback oh the art of the kbach okay you know these people they hate drag queen Story Hour no problem with that it's that's some of the lies they've been spreading lately some of these lies they're using to scare people are so silly I have a hard time believing anyone even the hardcore Trump fans even believe them Trump has been hammering this crowd-pleaser lately the idea that Democrats are randomly chopping off your children's private parts comma support States being able to take minor children and perform sex change operation take them away from their parents performed sex change operation and send them back home can you imagine you're a parent and your son leaves the house and you say Jimmy I love you so much go have a good day in school oh oh that's very sweet thank you I I mean my name's not Jimmy anymore it's Tamaro but I will Jimmy I love you so much go have a good day in school I'm going to be using that clip a lot I'm just going to tell you right now it's going to you're going to remember this because you're going to be seeing it frequently Trump's also been floating a new policy idea finally he says he wants to modify the 25th Amendment so you can remove the vice president if the vice president covers up the fact that the president is incapacitated or if the vice president is caught in the Oval Office dry humping the couch you of course this is a change in direction for Trump who previously tried to remove his own vice president via noose and um and then he says he isn't weird but maybe the weirdest story about Trump this month involves me Rowling Stone published a story today the topic was what could happen if Trump wins and one of the things is this they wrote there is no Nemesis too small that tally even includes late night Comics who pissed him off as president Trump briefly attempted to get Justice officials to twist campaign Finance laws and the federal equal time rule to declare that anti-trump material broadcast by Saturday Night Live Jimmy Kimmel Steven coar and others was somehow illegal during his 2024 Campaign which is now according to a source with direct knowledge Trump's raised the topic again venting about the need to punish late night comedians for giving illegal campaign contributions to the Democratic party in the form of jokes and on air satire [Applause] [Music] glad it's funny to you he wants to lock up the late night host and what happened to this by the way Jimmy I love you so [Music] much now how would this work for John Stewart would he only go to jail on Mondays there's a lot to figure out I'm now imagining me and all the other late night hosts in prison together like the mobsters and Good Fellas stirring the sauce colar slicing the garlic with a a razor blade GMO you're probably going in too I have to bring some sausage because we're going to have some time on our hands I will bring anything for you you know um melan was on the campaign Trail this weekend with her husband just kidding we haven't seen her for weeks but she she is selling a new book she has a new book coming out a memoir and just in case you think Melania doesn't care about you well think again the 2020 election results changed our lives forever it impacted our quality of life cost of food [Music] gasoline let me ask you a question when was the last time you think Melania pumped gasoline 1990 never maybe melania's book comes out October 8th it is number two on Amazon on the bestseller list whereas the new book Trump released last week is number 269 on this it's a good thing they have a rock solid relationship cuz a lot of couples this is the sort of thing that could result in tumult you know there's been so much focus on the election I thought it might be nice tonight to shine a light on some non-political journalism courtesy of the Fox 10 News team out of Mobile Alabama who are winners of tonight's award for excellence in reporting a new bacon product might hit The Sweet Spot cormel is partnering with General Mills breakfast product cinnamon toast crunch [Laughter] crunch sanitized it's a family sh flavor is hand rubbed in I make it he's not going to be able to make it yeah yeah we don't I don't think we're going to be trying any of that that doesn't look very good come on don't be so uptight what a funny way to get fired in copertino today Apple unveiled the new iPhone 16 it is made from Aerospace grade aluminum it is 30% faster than the last iphone it has an enhanced package of AI features called Apple intelligence and it is bigger than last year's model by 0. 2 in apple also announced that iPhone users are no longer allowed to be friends with people who have those green text bubbles probably the biggest difference between this year's announcement and what they've done in previous years was Apple's surprisingly honest sales pitch now as you've all known for more than 17 years apple is no stranger to upending the industry mean so many times we've introduced a revolutionary new product that had changed the game this is not one of those times this September the new iPhone is just your old iPhone we ran the number and decided your old iPhone is just fine the camera works great has plenty of megapixels and you don't to spend $1,000 on the iPhone 16 Max Pro Ultra Plus whatever the it's called your old iPhone has everything you need to play Fruit Ninja and watch [Applause] porno up up [Music] da [Applause]