Kumail Nanjiani on Guest Hosting Kimmel, Working with Steve Martin and Martin Short & the Olympics

our first guest tonight is a very talented man uh who joins an army of other very talented people including Steve Martin and Martin Short you can see season four of only murders in the building on Hulu now please welcome kumel Nan [Applause] Johnny wow wow very good to see you and I must say thank you you filled in for me this summer you guest hosted the show and you did a great job you really did a great job thank you thank you thank you I mean it really was a dream come true to to be able to do this so was it yeah yeah I wanted it you know I wanted to host late night since I was a kid so come here and to actually get to do it it was really wonderful you know a number of members of our staff have asked me if I would ask you if you will do it again next summer yeah of course yeah how much how much do you have left on your contract I had a I got plenty of space for you don't worry yeah you take a you take a seven month summer break right something like that yeah yeah yeah I I my favorite part was what I was most excited about was you know when you hold up the thing yeah the holding up of the thing yeah yeah you hold up the thing to show it I was like since I was a kid I would like practice that cuz i' see Letterman do it you know just yeah he was the best no one held it up better than he was so good and so just doing that I was like oh I'm getting a little emotional I really had a great time it is funny those tiny little dumb things right exactly like one of the big secrets is I have a little piece of tape that almost matches my desk but doesn't match the desk and that's where I hold the things up so that the camera is perfectly positioned these are all the tricks I learned and you know there was I was PA Shear was one of the guests and he had a bunch of pictures to show and they were like that's too many it's your first time hosting and I was like no I want to hold up 10 different pictures I don't know if I'm going to get another shot at this you know it was great 10's a 10 can be exhausting really well I think I could do it how was the rest of your summer what were you up to the rest of it was great I also want to see a guo really helped me out he really did don't you help me out I try my best yeah I do help you Jimmy do you yeah all the time uh in secret ways that I'm unaware of well I help you with the monologue oh yeah right the monologue everything he's very helpful how did he help you well you know I talked to you on the phone and I was like give me some tips and you said your biggest secret weapon is guo that's right if things start to go on a l go to guo and he's going to give you gold and so I did thank you why didn't you give me that tonight oh no I save it for Monday better okay yeah save it for money we have money in not football right money uh my summer was great I actually got to go to Paris and see the Olympics oh that is great yeah oh that's terrific wow yeah I really really I love the Olympics I again into do it every year because it feels like the whole world comes together to like you know it Fel feels like celebratory but we got there and the first thing they said was they were like by the way the river send where they have some of the events they're like we can't do events there because it's got too much uh a human feces in it uh and I I that's I know that because that's what they told us they should have made something up they were like we test it and it's it's full of and we actually we actually tested what kind of animal and it came back human so and then a couple days later they were like oh it's fine now you can go what changed did they wipe the S yeah no that seemed that definitely seemed suspicious yeah they put Beday in it you didn't do any of your own testing yourself did you no no no I stayed away from there because then they said it's okay to swim in it and then people swam in it one of the Olympians got eoli from it and then they were like all right you got to go home see you in four years so there was still human in it uhhuh I don't even know how there was so much human feces in it it's a great question well French fruit is very heavy you know uh-huh so do you think they really can tell whether it's human because there are a lot of dogs in Paris you see them all over the place you've walked around La you could tell the difference the best that is true there was one time my wife Emily and I this is so gross sorry warning I wasn't going to talk about this this is not on there my wife and I were were talking and she stepped in a bunch of human feces and it was and it was and she said it felt like stepping into a loaf of bread oh man oh man anyway we saw yeah I would what events did you go to we went to diving which I love and because the commentators are so harsh they're like oh he splashed he's a disgrace to his Nation it's like yeah it's water he's jumping into it that's what water does it splashes I got very into archery Jimmy did you really because I think archery is the hardest sport in the Olympics for many reasons one there are no archery events in between the Olympics so they just go back to their job at Costco in between that's how they get the rotisserie chickens with the uh yeah yeah they send them out yeah go get us some Ro I think of our as the easiest one I don't know like you do well I don't think of it is easy I know they're not easy but I do know that like when I think about how is there a sport that I could get into the Olympics and I know there aren't any but archery seems like it's definitely in the 10% that I try well I'll tell you I'm just going to change your mind okay so when they're there did you watch much archery this year a little bit okay so I watched so what they do is you know then they pull that thing back they put the string into their face right so they really do all of them I don't know why when they're at the podium they all have like a line on their face it's so strange and I think you just saw one of them doing it and they were like we got to do that it's the Olympics we got to take it seriously but they tell you when they're doing it they tell you what their heartbeat is so on the lower right corner they're tracking their heartbeat and it's really like it's like it's like a 100 beats a minute because they're like I'm in the Olympics right now I I should be good and it's because the commentator said they have to release the arrow in between the heartbeats otherwise it's going to be off so what they're doing when they're there is 100 100 beats a minute that's more than once a second so it's going like and they have to release it they're getting the rhythm of their own heart to release it right on You release on a beat you lose gold medal disgrace to your nation world record your wife left you cuz you wasted your life playing with bows and arrows yeah and then you have that you have that for the rest of your life people are like how are your Olympics oh I released on a beat so the toilet paper is around the corner on Johnny is here shows only murders in the building we'll be right back ho ho ho here we go two protein eggnogs yummy it's my personal recipe patent pending actually Eva I'm something of a muggle myself M that's thick oh thank you the secret more egg than nog and ground deer hoof that is Cam non Johnny and only M of the building in the building with um uh Selena Gomez of course and um Eva Longoria and of course you're working with Steve Martin and Martin Short two of the are these guys Heroes to you yeah man I mean it's Steve Martin Martin Short I couldn't believe it and I was like you know I I'd met uh I'm just going to call him Steven Marty go ahead yeah yeah why not so I had met Marty once before very briefly and he was very nice but I was very nervous to work with them cuz you know I grew up watching their movies so I was like all right got to play it cool don't do anything day two I'm like so when you guys were making Three Amigos right yeah and they're like they'll talk about it they'll tell you stories I watch out with my kids like two weeks ago and uh Three Amigos yeah Three Amigos so funny yeah still funny yeah so funny did you feel like the third Amigo no man I think that's Selena Gomez the third amig she is the third amig now but it was fun their Vibe is so good I mean you know I saw I saw I saw Martin Short called Steve Martin a white-haired I was like oh I'm really living the dream right now you play the uh a fellow tenant on the show The Christmas all the time guy yeah I I it's a guy who's really obsessed with Christmas which is good for I Love Christmas very very much and so uh for me it was not hard because you know I was like 20 when I moved here I never had Christmas and then suddenly at 20 you have Christmas for the first time oh it's awesome you appreciate it Christmas I I still love Christmas you do do do you go crazy when do you start setting up the decorations I I mean for me I I start early December we we deck the whole house reasonable yeah reasonable does it stay up how long yeah but that's laziness uh that's just it just feels sadder every day yeah I can't think of a roommate I'd less rather have than the Christmas all the time person because I like Christmas but I would like it to be contained within December oh yeah for sure I don't like hearing Christmas music the rest of the year it feels a little like especially here even in December when you're going around around driving and it's like super hot out and it's like Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas you're like it's really not it it kind of sounds like you're spiraling it's like middle of July listening to Christmas songs like I think this might be my last week on earth going to go out feeling like it's Christmas but for me I feel like you know I I I I was The Bad Roommate it took me a while to realize you know my 20s I was living with roommates and stuff and and well my I guess my I have a roommate now I'm just married to her right right yeah yeah how many roommates did you have the most I had was three there were four of us and I I was so bad one one time we were moving this was in Chicago and I had a show that night and I just was like guys uh could you like move my stuff for me I got an open mic I got a hit up and and then they called they called me at the show and they're like hey none of your stuff is packed up and I was like yeah I thought you guys were going to do that so I made them pack up all my stuff for me and move me and Emily and I when we first started dating my friends were having a potluck and everybody had to bring something and they told people what to get and to me they were like and you should bring the napkins and Emily was like oh I'm dating the napkins guy oh yeah she still calls me the napkins guy like if I don't bring my stuff the party still happens you know but it's Messier you're on a a tour Sant up com tour right now yes I'm back to doing standup I didn't do it for years and years I just can I ask you this question it's called doing this again or is it called doing this again because I think the emphasis is very important are you doing this again or are you doing this again well doing this again feels like I got defeated and now I'm doing this again right so I guess that's the one no why now why are you because you I mean like your career is at its height I I mean you're God I hope not all of the stuff doesn't mean you're going to come down from it but it's at I mean you're doing so much stuff why are you now going around the country doing this well I I I I felt like my life was too easy and I needed a challenge I you know I it was I started doing it in the actor Strike last year cuz I was getting frustrated not being able to do anything and I was like let's see I haven't done this in about 7 or 8 years do I still like this and I went back up on stage and I sort of fell in love with it again and you know it felt like how it felt when I first started doing standup comedy where did you first start doing standup I went to college a very small College in grenell called grenell Iowa uh grenell College in grenell Iowa and my first show was just like at a coffee shop on campus but it was packed with all my friends and I was like I'm going to do this show it used to happen once a semester and I wrote material for a long time for it and then on the day I got really nervous and went to a Chinese buffet and ate too many of those yellow almond cookies you know they're like unnatural color yeah and so I just got on stage not feeling great but I honestly to this day best set I've ever had really yeah I got off stage and I remember thinking I could do Letterman next week took 10 years but but I I I yeah and I remember one of my I remember the first joke I ever what was the first joke the first joke I ever did was about how I want wanted to be I was like a you know science major I was like I want to I want to be so successful that I want to have a unit of measurement named after myself like cuz all the cool scientists have them like jwes Newton Mr kilometer that's that's the first laugh he didn't come to America though second left and then I'd say I want something cool you know like turn the Torpedoes up to five nanis five nanis that's way too much power most people can't handle one Nani smile and here you are n five non later it's great to have you here new episodes of only murders in the building Tuesdays on Hulu and uh doing this again tour standup tour tickets available at link tree kumel not Johnny good luck spelling it we'll be back with Congressman Eric swallo d [Applause]