Jimmy Kimmel Recaps All the Crazy Stuff Donald Trump Did Over the Summer

I'm Jimmy I'm the host I I've returned from the woods I uh I BR relax please I'm frightened I'm I am well that's very nice I I uh I was on summer vacation uh this Summer I Turned Pretty I'm back I had a great summer uh before we get into the show I just want to take a minute to thank the team at the Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery Group for this this is the eyelids of you nailed it again the implants did you miss me G of course you I love you I miss you a lot you texted me one time the whole summer ah I know I miss you too I missed a lot this summer Joe Biden dropped out someone tried to shoot Donald Trump Gwyneth ptr's friend diarrhea all over her guest room it was nuts it was we put together a a quiz for those of you who weren't paying attention like I wasn't this summer which of the following things did Donald Trump do over the summer and which did I make up I want you to guess all right you ready okay after the attempt on his life did Donald Trump offer assassination Edition sneakers for sale lock in your votes and he yeah well why he sure did yeah that's right fight fight fight on your feet feet feet next did Donald Trump release 50 allnew stunning digital trading cards that show him dancing and even holding some Bitcoins 50 all new stunning digital trading cards it's really something these cards show me dancing and even beh holding some Bitcoins he has finally arrived at the exact intersection of QVC and Q Anon I'd love to hear him explain what Bitcoins are I mean he doesn't know a Bitcoin from a bit of Honey he'd probably eat them and number three did Donnie dumdum make any of the following crazy statements while I was gone lion Camala Harris lion comrade kamla Harris she happened to turn black and now she wants to be known as black so I don't know is she Indian or is she black I'm a better looking person than Kamala my beautiful Christians I love you Christians I'm not Christian sir Chris Christie is not a fat pig Elvis had a guitar he had a lot we love Elvis right but he had a guitar I don't have a guitar I'd like to congratulate the young woman who transitioned uh from a man into a boxer you can't walk across the street to get a loaf of bread you get shot you get mugged you get raped you'll be saying please please President we don't want any more electricity we can't stand it they thought I was rambling I'm not rambling if you look at Martin Luther King and you look at the picture of his crowd my crowd uh we actually had more people white males way up white males have gone through the roof millions and millions of people that happen to be taking black jobs you want to see a bird Cemetery just go under a windman you see thousands of birds dead eggs up 48% I actually had a positive inflation it was a perfect number cookies up 27% nobody was killed on January 6th look at what's going on butter up 31% a tampon selling machine I don't speak badly about somebody's physical disability but he's got the biggest stomach I have ever seen I thank you thank thank you thankk thank you thank you you got to get out and vote in four years you don't have to vote again we'll have it fixed so good you're not going to have to vote if I don't win you will have a 1929 style depression enjoy [Applause] it there you go there you go you know I for a normal person it would have taken a lifetime to say that many stupid things in public Trump did it in two months congratulations to him this is from an event over the weekend there's a group called the moms for Liberty uh our former president was there where he weighed in on the number one most important issue affecting America today the transgender thing is incredible think of it your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation that's exactly how it works I know a couple very nice couple they had three boys uh Greg Bobby and Peter one day they s the school few nights later they come home Jan Marsha and Cindy they're girls now the school made the decision parents had no choice the school decides what's going to happen with your child and you know many of these Childs 15 years later say what the hell happened who did this to me they say who did this to me good question you know I think we may need the chalkboard to figure this one out GMA bring it in if you would because um this is the quote from Donald Trump now you have beautiful handwriting by the way GMA oh you're welcome Jimmy the trans the transgender thing is incredible think of it your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation the school decides what's going to happen with your child and you know many of these Childs 15 years later say what the hell happened who did this to me they say who did this to me you know you're a great dad when you think children are called Childs and no one challenges any of this the moms for Liberty are like the kids come home with operations this is outrageous no one challenges anything he says on Sunday Trump sat down for a lavish boot licking from Mark Levin where he I have to believe this one was hard for even Mark Levin to swallow now they have kamla who they say has many deficiencies but she's a nasty person the way she treated Mike Pence with was horrible wait a minute the way she treated Mike Pence was you sent an army of Toothless goons to hang him and then sat back and watched it on tv Mike Pence is probably voting for kamla Harris okay one thing you know Trump is there are a lot of things Trump isn't good at one of the things he's especially not good at is picking running mates he made a huge mistake with this JD Vance who can't stop stepping in it every for see for a guy who wears more eyeliner than Liza manell you'd think he'd have a better understanding of women he's he looks JD Vance looks like someone asked AI to make the Two and a Half Men one person and it's even worse for Trump considering the Home Run team Harris hit with this Tim wals I don't know where they were hiding him but he is uh I mean he is beautiful it's his blood type is corn dog batter he's he belongs to several pickle of the month clubs Tim Walls is the kind of guy who if you sat next to him on a plane he'd ask you what brings you to Tampa because he genuinely wants to know what brings you to Tampa JD Vance would just sit there watching you sleep you know I think Don Jr is the one who convinced his father to choose JD Vance another good move dumbass if Trump loses this election he's going to sue his son to take the junior away but things are looking up I'm feeling a lot better than I did after the debate oh that was quite a night it was like a half nightmare half hospice it I haven't felt that sick since actually yesterday I don't know if you saw it on Netflix but I came in third in the hot dog eating contest they had a big hot dog eating contest the winner was Joey Chestnut who crushed his longtime rival to Caro kobashi he wolfed down 83 hot dogs in 10 minutes and after his victory Chesnut had very kind words for his opponent who only ate 66 Hot Dogs he said I've been trying to hit 80 hot dogs for years and without kobashi I was never able to do it he drives me which is as um as beautiful as it is ridiculous but this hot dog eating contest you know traditionally in Nathan's thing they do in Cony Island on the 4th of July you have to hand it to Netflix they stole it from they could have done it the way they do it every year a bunch of guys just eating hot dogs at a table but they didn't they came up with what I think was an incred twist this Labor Day the world's most legendary eaters go head-to-head for the first time in 15 years Joey Chesnut Kobayashi two men hundreds of hot dogs and unbeknownst to either of them one human penis heat is soft it's hot it's juicy wiener takes all Chestnut vers kobashi eat a only on Netflix we're back everybody we're back you know I mention this is my first uh show back to working in quite some time and I do I want to thank all my guest hosts from this summer starting with Martin Short who kicked it off Katherine Han KL Nani Anthony Anderson Lam more moris Jeff gold booom rup Paul Ryan Reynolds h Jackman the hawk Tua girl you are all masters of your craft and we aim to please our staff works very hard to make every show as positive an experience as possible and so after their run we asked each guest host to share their thoughts about their experience good and bad where thoughts like that are shared on Yelp Jimmy Kimmel Live is conveniently located between the abandoned Hooters and the other abandon and Hooters man what the hell happened with Hooters how do you mess up boobs four stars for Kimmel no stars for Hooters five stars for boobs I had a blast hosting your show and seeing all the interesting places GMA chooses to sleep at your desk in a broom closet even on my lap have a medical condition I've now guest toasted this show 20 times and I know Jimmy's going to call me next month to do it again after you do jewelry Duty they at least give you a few years off before they make you go back but this mother has no shame one star five stars hey you know what else has five stars the Chinese flag yeah it's an elegant design red and yellow reminds me of McDonald's or Kodak or little Alvin from the Chipmunks hey why did Alvin get top billing and poor Simon and Theodore were left out in the cold seems wholly unfair to me seeing as they were brothers nay triplets which is pretty common in the Chipmunk Community what what's this how can I describe the feeling of Hosting Jimmy Kimmo live a week after I was nominated for an Emmy you ever do the dishes after sex it's like that three stars I had a wonderful time hosting Jimmy Kimel live an experience I will treasure all the way to my car my only issue was that they were very stingy with the mayonnaise otherwise a remarkable experience three and a half Stars staff and crew were incredibly warm and friendly honestly a bit too friendly if I can speak plainly everyone here seems very lustful horny and arouse and the whole place reaps fornication I felt right at home five stars normally uh most shows they put out a nice chutery plate for the guest house but not here no sir uh just this uh giant bowl of loose unmarked pills oh my God you your pupils are like this size of bone are your teeth itchy they mine are a little bit I can't even feel my teeth oh we're going oh yeah we don't need teeth man so scared why you my mom he's a dragon three stars five pills [Applause]