Slime | David Walliams | Full Kids Audiobook

[Music] Harper Collins presents Slime by David Williams read by David Williams and AD autan Morgana Robinson Daniel Barker Jonathan kid Verona Rose and nit in GATRA sound design by Michael Bennett with music by Mark [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] F Dante the coolest kid on Wheels this story is set on the aisle of mulch the little island is home to some big characters meet Ned hi I'm Ned Ned is a bright and funny boy of 11 because his legs haven't worked since he was a baby Ned uses a wheelchair to whiz around mulch Jima is Ned's older sister hello I'm Jima Jima likes nothing more than playing the most horrid tricks on her little brother Ned's parents hello well Dad spends all day on his fishing boat out at Sea and Mom spends all day at the Island's Market selling the fish he catches so Walter wrath I am Walter wrath is the Headmaster of Ned's old school mulch school for Revolting Children it is the boy's old school because s waterer expelled Ned in one of his notorious volcanic rages Mr lust hello I'm Mr lust is the Deputy head of mulch school for Revolting Children day and night he lusts after the top job that of head Master Edmund and Edmond Envy I'm Edmond no you're Edmund I'm Edmond no you're not run the only toy shop on the island named Envy's Emporium the terrible twins loathe children for the simple crime of being young and send the poor mites fleeing from their shop in floods of Tears Madame selenio SLO hello I am Madame s Z SLO is the world's laziest piano teacher the lady is paid good money to give piano lessons to Children however all she does is snooze on the sofa as she blows off thunderously Captain pride is the Island's Park keeper hello I'm captain pride get off the grass the public park is the ex Army officer's pride and joy so much so that absolutely no one is ever allowed to set foot inside it especially not nasty little children who would trample his precious grass Glenn and glender Glutton I'm Glenn Glutton yes I'm glender Glutton own the only ice cream van on the island Glutton glasses that is because they have rammed all their Rival ice cream van off the road the married couple of Thieves who snatched children's pocket money and then speed off without giving them their ice creams instead the evil pair scoff all the ice cream themselves a't Greta greed oh yes I'm Greta greed is Ned and jima's mega Rich Auntie she owns the aisle of mulch the grand old lady lives alone in a castle high on a hill that overlooks the entire Island all she has to keep her company are more than a 100 c all called tittles gigantic titles is Aunt Greta's heftiest cat it is the size and weight of a bear and infinitely more fearsome and last but not least slime oh yes slime is very much a lie it is a creature with powers to change shape or trans slime into anything and every everything but is slime a Force for good or evil you must listen on Raj the news agent does not live on mulch that's a shame I was so looking forward to being in the [Music] Story prologue a brief history of slime slime is one of the great Mysteries of the world if not the greatest it beats the creation of Stonehenge laughs in the face of the power of the pyramids and takes a giant slimy plop on the Loch Ness monster slime what is it where is it who is it how is it and why is it children demand to know where slime came from and grown-ups are desperate to know if it is ever going back for the first time in history The Legend of slime can finally be told all will be revealed in this audio book which might be the most important audio book ever recorded some experts believe that slime dates back billions of years they theory is that when the Earth was created it was nothing more than a sea of slime out of that slime came more slime and out of that slime came more slime then of course out of that slime came even more slime it remained buried under the Earth for billions of years until now others suppose that at the dawn of time a giant meteor of slime crash landed into the Earth on impact billions of gallons of slime exploded into the air covering everything in thick slime this explains why the dinosaurs died out they got slimed there is another theory that many years ago slime based aliens from a slime based planet the planet slime flew in a slime based spaceship to the earth once on Earth they taught ancient civilization all about slime how to construct buildings out of slime the best recipes to cook with slime and most importantly how to make socks out of slime then the Slime based aliens got in their slime based spaceship and whizzed back to their slime based planet the planet slime and they never came back but they left the secret of slime with the human race so children could torment grown-ups with it forever the truth is rather different slime was actually created more than 50 years ago on a remote island the aisle of mulch to be precise it is situated in the middle of the great Northeast Southwestern sea between the islands of twaddle and stench how do I know all this because I just made it up chapter 1 mulch the little Isle of mulch was home to less than a thousand people 999 to be precise I told you it was less than a thousand one of these 999 people was a boy named Ned Ned wasn't short for anything he was just called Ned Ned was 11 years old he'd been born born on mulch and like most Islanders had never left to say Ned was just an ordinary boy would be wrong he wasn't ordinary he was extraordinary Ned had been born with legs that didn't work he couldn't walk at all so was found a battered old rusty wheelchair and he learned to use it the boy could often be seen whizzing around the island doing stunts and wheelies to Delight his friends I got the zomies he would cry as he whizzed past home for Ned was a tiny weather-beaten old Cottage the cottage perched on the edge of a cliff overlooking the Raging Sea that surrounded the island from dawn until dusk Ned's mother and father were out of the house at work dad was a fisherman so was away at Sea all day on his fishing boat mom sold the fish dad caught at the Island's Market the only fish you could catch around the aisle of mulch were called shoe fish they were fish shaped like shoes they tasted like shoes too the overriding flavor was foot sweat but the locals became used to the taste disgusting though it was they had no choice needless to say both Ned's parents absolutely stank of fish but Ned didn't see even smell much of them as the pair were always working instead the boy was left home alone with his older sister Jima resented Ned deeply she might have been the older one but it was her younger brother who got all the attention the girl wore pretty little flowery dresses with huge steel capped boots and she wasn't afraid to use them Ned's Aunt owned the aisle of mulch she was was his mother's much older sister and her name was Greta greed high on a hill overlooking the whole island squatted kitty litter Castle a huge medieval Fortress that the lady called home it was a world away from the tiny Cottage that Ned shared with his family greed lived there alone which is how she liked it her only company was her 101 cats these cats were fearsome beasts she had them to scare nasty little children away the lady loathed children especially her poor nephew Ned Aunt Greta never ever did a thing to help him for her children ruined her aisle of mulch with their games their chatter and worst of all their stench Aunt Greta should be the last person to complain about a smell a she stank of catpa because Aunt Greta owned the entire Island she had power over all those who lived there the lady rewarded those grown-ups on mulch who detested children almost as much as she did one such man was s Walter wrath he was a nasty old wret whom greed had made Headmaster of the only school on the island mult school for Revolting Children the only thing that gave wrath pleasure was expelling children from his school like so many others Ned had suffered that fate shush be quiet you're expelled there was one toy shop on the island greed had given care of it to twin brothers Edmund and Edmond Envy had named the shop Envy's Emporium but it was nothing more than a front for terrorizing children Ned had had a particularly nasty time when he'd last visited another Resident of mulch was Madame selenio sloth the lady was supposed to be a piano teacher but she was too lazy to teach children anything sloth was a virtuoso of Cruelty Ned had The Misfortune of Being one of her pupils and when he dared to complain all hell broke loose Captain Pride was an uptight ex Soldier whom greed had appointed mulch's Park keeper the captain ensured no one could ever enjoy the Island's only public park especially not little people like Ned ice cream sellers Glenn and glender Glutton made sure children never got to enjoy an ice cream ever the married couple zoomed around the island in their van looking for children to Rob they took their pocket and then sped off without giving them their ice cream if the butons had lived anywhere else in the world other than mulch they would have been locked up in prison and the key thrown away however greed delighted in their scam and ensured the pair were never brought to Justice even when they stole from her own nephew Ned so this little island was home to a large number of horrible grown-ups but there was a child on the island who was probably as bad poor n was related to her it was his sister chapter two a beastly [Music] girl Ned's sister Jima liked nothing more than playing horrid tricks on her little brother tricks that made the little girl snigger to herself all day and all night it wasn't a nice snigger it was a nasty snigger as if she knew she was beastly the tricks were all absolutely foul dropping Wiggly waggly Worms down the back of her little brother's pajama yikes replacing Ned's toothpaste with glue so his teeth stuck together emptying the jar of his favorite marmalade and replacing it with mashed up wasps yuck painting everything in her little brother's room bright purple the walls the floor the ceiling his toys and clothes even his pet Geral no hiding a big furry spider at the end of his bed so it nibbled his toes dusting the toilet seat with chili powder so the boy's body was too too Hotty y swapping Ned's favorite chocolate coated raisins with Geral droppings Breaking Wind into an old wooden box for a week then opening it in Ned's bedroom so he would suffer the pong tasm magoria however all this was nothing compared to the nightmarish trick Jima was planning for her little [Music] brother chapter three Gunk Jima was a child who reveled in all things yucky not just spiders and worms but gooey things too all around the little cottage where the family lived the little girl had hid hidden gunk in jars things you found under rocks things you found at the bottom of ponds things you found lurking down the plug hole jamaa would scoop up anything nasty and deposit it in a jar over time she had collected hundreds and hundreds of jars of all different kinds of Gunk every single one had a label on it so Jima could remember what was what one shuds to think how the girl collected some of these revolting things you would not want to touch this stuff with your bare hands they included Badger snot slippery sludge frog spawn snail Trail granny dribble jellyfish toenail grop rotten eggs pigeon poop frot cheese and arm sweat old man Flem off custard fur balls stinging nettle juice Geral we that weird yellow stuff that ladyb birds leave on your finger liquidized worms ear wax wet bottom B belly button fluff very moldy mold spider stick crushed caterpillars slug juice bat eggs something unspeakable that cannot be named at the bottom of every wardrobe at the back of every cupboard under the floorboards there were jars and jars and more jars jamaa was stockpiling them in the family Cottage as she wanted to play the most humongous trick on her little brother a trick that would make him scream the house down a scream that would Echo all over the aisle of mulch forever Jima would snigger herself to sleep thinking about her devilish plan there was just one problem her little brother was on to her [Music] chapter four Bogies under the bed Ned found the jars just one jar at first in a deep sleep Ned had rolled off his bed in the dead of night th ouch the fall woke him up just as he was about to haul himself back up Ned noticed something glinting in the darkness under his bed he reached out and found it was a jar the label in his sister's scrolled handwriting read simply Bogies on closer inspection he discovered it really was a jar bursting with bogeys they looked very much like Jima she had picked licked and flicked so many at Ned over the years that he could recognize them in any lineup in an instant hers were always a brownish shade of green at once Ned knew his Wicked Sister was up to something but why had she hidden her own bogeys in a jar under his bed lifting up the sheets he saw that this was just one of what must have been aund jars under there each containing something more disgusting than the last Ned's eyes bulged as he read the ground ants boiled dandruff yellow pus Brown pus yellowy Brown P brownie yellow pus slobber sludge found down the plug hole after a bath cheesy burps meaty burps spicy burps Burpee burps monkey sweat wart soup toad juice 10-year-old trifle that has gone so fizzy it will blow your head off puddle gunge or pun something even more unspeakable than the other unspeakable thing that cannot ever be named one by one Ned pulled all the jars out from under his bed he was careful not to clink them together the sound would wake up his Wicked Sister who was sleeping in her room next door then Ned hoisted himself up onto his battered old wheelchair so he could go hunting for more jars one good thing about getting around on Wheels is that you can glide silently and undetected as long as you don't bump into the furniture dok or run over a cap Ned rolled past his sister's bedroom and headed into the living room now thought Ned where would be good hiding places it turned out everywhere there were jars jars and more jars of yuck tastic stuff hidden all over the room there were jars behind the curtains under the sofa on top of the bookshelf in the sideboard under the cushions on the armchair behind the plant pot inside the lampshade and under the coffee table the same was true of the kitchen and the hallway rolling past the boiler cupboard Ned heard gurgling ggle fuggle dugle on opening the door he could see jars and jars with Gunk oozing out of them the heat from the boiler must have made the gunk expand it was a wonder that one of the jars hadn't exploded once again all the jars were labeled each full of something more puzzling than the last what was all this stuff plume gron spludge Fugal winky a dink muppy Funk Hanah han han han Wally bumps Nole voo boo duny P snug miggle piffle paffle zti Wy wooa plus plus and Bim bambuli and more importantly what was she planning to do with it all the boy approached his mother and father's room he peaked through the Gap in the the door their bed was empty it was the early hours of the morning and the pair were already at work no doubt Dad was heading out to see and mom was setting up her Market store a quick search by Ned of the back of their wardrobe revealed jars jars and more jars curiouser and curiouser he muttered to himself then the boy rolled back into the Hall making his way towards his dreaded sister's bed bedroom Ned was sure somewhere in there would be the answer he put his ear up against the door jamaa was fast asleep snoring like a steam train the sign on her bedroom door read entry strictly forbidden any unauthorized persons who go beyond this point will get a boot at the bottom now was Ned's chance the boy took a deep breath then as quietly as he could he opened the door click and gently rolled himself inside trle the boy hadn't been allowed in his sister's bedroom for years no wonder she kept everyone out her room was full to bursting with jars and jars and more jars of Gunk there must have been thousands upon thousands of jars in there all the way from the floor to the ceiling no wonder Jima had resorted to hiding the jars all over the house there was no more room in her room it was a miracle she could even get in or out as Ned watched his sister sleep noting that she wore her steel capped boots in bed he scanned her bedroom for Clues there must be an answer somewhere to what she planned to do with all these jars of gunk in a corner of the room were jima's School exercise books Ned knew that his sister never did a scrap of work at school so was surprised to see how well thumbed the books looked upon opening them Ned discovered that they weren't full of schoolwork at all oh no they were full of plans for the Diabolical trick she was about to play on it chapter five the bath of Doom Ned's eyes widened at the horror the Unspeakable horror the words and pictures in her books told the story in gruesome detail so this this was what his Wicked Sister was planning there were lists calendars graphs diagrams and even a flick book of how it would all play out it was called Ned's birthday surprise and it was the boy's birthday tomorrow once a year on his birthday Ned had a bath I know that doesn't sound like many baths in one year why one I myself like to wash at least twice a year unless I'm already clean and there is no need sometimes I lick myself clean like a cat in the family Cottage there was only enough hot water for one bath full a day of course Jima always bags Eed every drop of hot water for herself no wonder her parents wre to fish the only exception to this rule was on her little brother's birthday on that special day Jima would be forced by her parents to relent and let little stinky Ned have his yearly soak So the plan was that tomorrow Jima would fill the bath with all the gunk every last drop from every single jar would be emptied until the bath was full to the brim then she would squirt bubbles on top of the gunk so Ned wouldn't see see the horror that was lurking beneath the bath of Doom there was even a cutaway diagram in our exercise book showing the hidden layer of Gunk bubbles on the top then a layer of water and underneath the gunk Jima knew her little brother would suspect nothing this was his birthday treat after all Ned would think it was a lovely bath full of warm water and lower himself into it then he would scream as he was covered from head to toe in Gunk Ned dropped jima's book in shock thunk the girl stirred Ned held his breath then she turned over and went straight back to sleep taking great care the boy rolled himself back back out of jima's bedroom he had to reverse his wheelchair as with the mountains of jars there wasn't room to turn round Trumble Trumble Trumble then disaster CL cling Clank the footrest on his wheelchair just clipped one of the jars on the floor there must have been 50 jars stacked on top of it Ned reached out but it was too late the skyscraper of jars began toppling over Tipple topple tble the jar at the top was heading straight for Jima as it fell through the air it was as if time sped up and slowed down all at once snatch Ned caught the jar just as it was a Milly Milly millimeter from thunking his sister on the head as much as he may have wanted to see his sister thunked on the head with a jar of grumble Nosh whatever that was sadly now was not the time it was would spoil his surprise because just at that moment an idea came to him ding an idea so simple it was brilliant simply brilliant and brilliantly simple bmle consult your wam dictionary for a detailed definition Ned would turn the tables on Jim MMA the girl had a bath every single morning apart from Ned's birthday they keep up so Ned would do to her exactly what his sister was going to do to him she would suffer the bath of Doom herself Ned silently collected up all the jars of gunk in the house and brought them to the bathroom once safely inside Ned locked the door click he didn't want Jima bursting in on him before her bath of Doom was ready chuckled the boy to himself outside it was still dark but Dawn was breaking and the birds were bursting into song one by one he opened the jars of Gunk and poured them into the bath splish splash splash there was brown Gunk yellow gunk black Gunk thick Gunk thin Gunk purple Gunk fizzy gunk hot Gunk cold Gunk and bubbly Gunk every kind of Gunk you could imagine gallons and gallons of Gunk eventually the bath was full after what seemed like hours of fetching carrying and unscrewing the boy was exhausted catching his breath Ned didn't notice what was happening right behind him gurgle whatever was in that bath was coming to life chapter six Gunk monster as all the different types of Gunk swirl together waves formed in the bath swish the wave swept up up up SW and they swept down down down swash Ned turned around it was a horrifying sight he opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out the bath was now a raging storm of Gunk swish swash swoosh it splashed all over the bath coating everything in Gunk splish splash splash the sink the toilet even Ned all were Gunk then just as soon as the gunk had coated everything it peeled itself off and wored back together then the gunk began to take shape at first it became a giant egg like the kind of egg a dinosaur might have laid the egg bounced up and down boing boing boing before smashing itself against the bathroom wall crack the outer layer cracked like a shell as the gunk inside oozed out the oozing Gunk then began to grow upwards and upwards becoming a mountain was no it was a volcano an erupting volcano it didn't shoot lava up into the sky but rather gunk kabo splurt it spurted itself all over the bathroom ceiling before oozing back down to the floor to become an elephant it hooted then it became a shark Chomp no a bird flap flap this Gunk monster was swimming and flying all at once the boy gazed open mouth the all this was the greatest show on Earth and it was all for him next the gunk monster exploded into thousands of pieces as it became fireworks boom boom boom Oh no exclaimed the boy what in Earth have I done [Music] chapter 7even Blobby blob what the boy had done that day changed the course of history in mixing together a thousand different jars of Gunk Ned had created a brand new matter slime the world would never be the same again this was big bigger than big bigger than biggest huge Among Us it means big you would know that if you owned a wam dictionary as Ned stayed deadly still the Slime began spinning round and round him whiz it was a tornado of slime a slime Ado open your wam dictionary under s for a detailed definition no thought Ned I'm going to be slimed to death he shut his eyes tight and cried ah ah then the most amazing thing happened the whirling tube of slime spun up over his head and slapped against the ceiling squ then it began oozing downwards towards the boy as it did it began to take a shape not human shape exactly more like a blob on top of a blob on top of a blob a Blobby blob blob that was hanging down from the sea the wam dictionary definition of bobulous is something very very very very very Blobby a huge slimy upside down face was staring straight back at him good morning it boomed the boy's eyes darted around the bathroom there was no one else there this thing was talking to him I said good morning repeated for something made of slime it had a surprisingly Posh voice as if it were Royal which seemed highly unlikely last time I checked the royal family did not have a member who was made entirely of slime who are you stammered Ned the boy was trembling with fear I am anything you want me to be replied the thing with that the blob of slime squatched upside down across the ceiling Squatch Squatch Squatch next it made its way down the wall it slimy bottom acting like a suction pad against it Squatch scratch scratch eventually the thing was standing on the floor of the bathroom peering down at Ned now Boy tell me what you wish me to be is this like Aladdin asked Ned excitedly is what like Aladdin like rubbing the lamp and a genie coming out and the genie giving you three wishes the Slime looked lost in thought for a moment before replying no there is no lamp I am not a genie and there aren't three wishes oh replied Ned there are infinite wishes that's a lot isn't it it's infinite so yes I suppose it is unless it was infinite and one which would be silly cool exclaimed Ned so boy what do you wish me to be I can be anything and everything a hippopotamus a swarm of bees a giant pair of bloomers as it spoke it shape shifted into each thing just think of something beginning with s a sailing ship a sphinx a sausage as tall as a tree a steamroller the boy looked on in Wonder as it changed with dizzying speed a symphony with that there was the sound of a huge drum being struck the Slime shattered into what seemed like hundreds of tiny globules they flew past Ned and he realized that these weren't just globules they were musical notes as the sound of a symphony echoed around his b these musical notes dance through the air like butterflies the I watched it on as they swooped and twirled in time to the music w w wow he stammered then just as soon as the symphony ended the globules all merged together this time they didn't go back into being slime's globular self oh no the globules merged back into the shape of a whale the whale was so humongous it filled up the enti entire bathroom it floated in the air swishing its tail swish swash swash am I back to normal it asked something feels fishy no you're not back to normal exclaimed Ned unless it's normal for you to be a great big ginormous whale the whale of slime looked down and then fell through the air it landed like dropped jelly on the bathroom floor silence Ned stared at it whatever this thing was it looked to be no more it was an X thing lying motionless next to the wheels of the boy's wheelchair was nothing more than a puddle of gloop slime called out Ned he couldn't think what else to call it and slime seemed appropriate are you all right after a moment the Slime poured itself back together into the shape of a blob that's better it said I felt all over the place thank goodness exclaimed Ned is slime my name then it asked I can't think of a better one um Roger archal Brenda offered slime I do feel like a Brenda H Muse the boy I think you look more like a slime slime it is said slime it gave the boy a funny look as much as a blob of slime can give anyone a funny look so did you create me um well hesitated Ned I guess I did Father exclaimed slime no mother no what then I guess we are well Ned didn't dare say it at first but something in his heart told him he should friends friends repeated slime friends I like that yes we are friends the boy smiled and leaned over to hug his new friend but all he got was a face full of slime you didn't tell me your name remark slime Ned replied Ned I have a friend called Ned exclaimed slime and slime yes Ned I want you to help me play a trick goody goody snorted slime rubbing his slimy hands together in Glee on someone who has played a Million tricks on me just then there was a pounding on the door what on Earth is going on in there a voice demanded it was of course Jim mimer come out right now Ned or I'll boot this door down is that them P chance in acquired slime now how did you guess replied the boy with a cheeky [Music] smile chapter eight a particularly noisy poo I said what on Earth are you doing in there came another shout from the other side of the bathroom door nothing lied Ned nothing Bal Jima I just heard a volcano then a load of Music finally some kind of giant fish slime looked as if it were about to say something maybe to correct the girl that technically a whale was not a fish but in fact a mammal Ned turned to his friend and put his fingers up to his lips in the internationally recognized signal for silence amazingly for something made of slime slime understood I was just doing a particularly noisy poo spluttered Ned through the bathroom door noisy she exclaimed more like thunderus now open this door right now or I'll boot it down Bish bash BOS that was the sound of her steel capped boots kicking down the door open it said slime what exclaimed Ned let's play that trick on her now ask the boy Bish bash BOS goody goody exclaimed slime Bish bash BOS splinters of wood exploded into the bathroom what should I be ah slime a giant boot perhaps boot her right back excellent replied slime as it trans slimed into a giant boot Bish bash BOS the bathroom door smashed off its hinges taking some of the wall with it the door smashed to the floor th and dust exploded into the bathroom at once nobody could see a thing n bellowed Jima where are you Ned kept silent as the giant slimy boot or slute one of billions of words you will find in your wam dictionary appeared out of the dust cloud what the asked Jima the girl tried to boot the boot but her foot got stuck in the Slime she screamed Ned couldn't help but chuckle Ned screamed Jima I will boot you up the bottom for this no no no replied the sloot I will boot you up the bottom with that slime let go of the girl's boot as Jima tumbled to the floor she swung her other boot up in the air and landed on our hands and knees goodbye for now said the slute it swung back then boof the girl was given a blastic boot in the bottom she yelled as she bounced down the corridor swish before landing on the sofa in the living room instantly jamaa leapt from the sofa and began stomping down the corridor stump stump stump wait until I get my hand on you Ned I'll boot you from here to the next Island we need to get out of here slime exclaimed Ned and fast but how ah slime now back to being a blob Ned looked up at the tiny bathroom window just above the toilet it was not much bigger than a cat flap that is the only way out of here he said pointing but I'm never going to get my wheelchair through there you won't need it today let me be your wings wings the boy was flabbergasted slime trans slimed into a pair of wings they stuck themselves onto Ned's shoulders and began to Flap the boy felt himself being lifted out of his wheelchair and floating through the air wow he exclaimed the wings wouldn't fit through the window so holding the boy slime trans slimed into was slide stomp stomp stomp just before Jima reached the bathroom Ned whooshed down the slide and out of the window who n screamed Jima but the boy was [Music] free chapter nine slime ball Ned slid down the slide of slime at speed was his family's cottage stood on the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea if the boy didn't stop sliding he was going to be hurled off the edge to meet his end on the rugged rocks below Ned saw the bottom of the slide approaching fast and screamed he shut his eyes tight he couldn't bear to watch what was about to happen but in the blink of an eye the slide of slime became longer and longer and longer still then it arched and twisted and the boy found himself doing a loop the loop on his bottom he screamed again but this time in pleasure he'd never had so much fun fun fun the slide of slime arked away from the cliff Edge and onto some fields near the cottage it kept on getting fatter and fatter until it wasn't a slide any longer oh no it had turned into a slime rink a slime rink is a lot like an ice rink but instead of ice you guessed it slime a slink a slink is 100% the correct word CEO wam dictionary the whole field was now covered with slime Ned shot across it on his bottom wash wee he explained finally he came to a halt then at dizzying speed slime trans slimed again the edges of the Slime went curled up and it closed in on itself now slime had come together to form a giant bowl a slime Bowl it rolled along the field trundle trundle with little Ned inside it then the Slime bow began and to bounce it bounced and bounced and bounced it bounced over a sheep it bounced over a hedge now it was bouncing along the lane up ahead Ned could hear a tractor approaching chug chug chug the sound of the mighty vehicle was growing louder and louder chug chug chug the tractor was heading straight for them chug chug chug look out screamed Ned not sure where slime's eyes might be at this precise moment it being a giant bouncing ball and all that Ned could feel the slime ball bouncing high up into the air he heard the tractor pass Underneath Him chug chug chug just as Ned felt a wave of relief that he'd not been run over by a tractor he felt a wave of panic panic because the slime ball he was inside was now high up in the sky so high that it hit a flock of seagulls one of the seagulls Peck at the slime ball peck it burst pop instantly Ned began tumbling through the air help he cried but slime acted fast it whizzed down ahead of him and trans slimed into a trampoline a Slimline Get Smart get a William exy Ned hit the Slimline at speed and bounced high up into the air Bo and again boing a smile spread across the boy's face he was alive and what more he was bouncing boing boing boing yippee he yelped in Delight he yeled too soon looking down he saw the Slimer leine disappear from beneath him no oh falling rapidly the boy looked all around try as he might he couldn't see slime anywhere this is the end he thought the road below was speeding towards him then swoosh a Giant Eagle every color of the rainbow swooped down underne it swept him high into the air now he was flying flying fying high up above the Sea The Cliff the cottage you really can be anything cried the boy anything exclaimed the bird of slime or slur found in your wam dictionary under s from all the way up here the aisle of munch looked tiny the houses look small the trees look small the people look small the people look so small in fact that they were little more than ants as for the ants they looked really really really small For the First Time In His short life Ned felt something he'd never felt before power slime power the boy had created something that could change everything the aisle of mulch was full of Horrid grown-ups grown-ups who made the lives of all children Miserable Now Ned could get his own back on all these nasty characters not just for him but for all the children of the island there was no better time for Ned to start than [Music] now chapter 10 wrath's rules this way exclaimed the boy as he flew through the sky look that's my old school I want to introduce you to my horrid head Master goodie goodie replied slime the bird flapped its wings and began swooping off in the direction of a terrifying Gothic building overlooking the sea a huge sign outside read mulch school for Revolting Children a bell chimed it was the beginning of the school day things started indecently early at mulch school at the break of dawn that is how the Headmaster liked it the children having to get up in the middle of the night to be at school on time was all part of the torture Ned smiled to himself at the thought of what naughtiness was to come as he began descending to the playground just as soon as the bird of slime's feet touched down it placed Ned onto a bench and then trans slimed back into a blob The Blob loomed behind the boy like a great slimy Shadow let's give Mr wrath something to be angry about began the boy goody goodie not unsurprisingly after seeing a giant bird of slime land in the playground the teachers all hurried out of the old school building pointing and shouting I don't believe it shouted one I won't believe it shouted another I will believe it but I can't believe it shouted a third the pupils of mon school all pressed their faces up against the classroom Windows to see they were too frightened of the teachers to DARE step outside into the playground without permission then a man with a long black gown draped over his shoulders stormed out of the building he whisked the cloak around theatrically as if he were Count Dracula twirling his cape swish it was only his teacher's gown but it afforded him an air of evil that he relished Mr wrath the head Master had a big bald head so he looked like an egg an egg with a little mustache drawn on it this mustache would flare up whenever he exploded with Rage which was often so often in fact that Mr wrath was in a rage more often than not in a typical day Mr wrath would go from Huff to Bluster to uproar to tantrum to frenzy to Fury and to rage Mr wrath raged at all the children in mulch school as it was the only school that was all the children on the island the lucky ones got whacked with a wooden ruler The Unlucky ones were whacked with a wooden ruler and then expelled Landing giant birds in the playground is strictly forbidden he raged at Ned as he marched towards him even though Landing a giant slime bird in the playground was not covered in the school rules the Headmaster was confident he could invent one Mr wrath had invented a long list of his own rules over his 30-year Reign of Terror at mulch school wrath's rules number one no comparing me to an egg I do not look like an egg eggs do not have mustaches and I have a mustache so that is the end of it anyone who does compare me to an egg will be expelled also my head is a lot bigger than an egg and I have ears and last time I checked eggs do not number two no breaking wind on school premises without a letter of consent from the Headmaster even if a bottom burp comes out by accident when you catch a cricket ball you will be expelled number three no laughing at school you have not come to school to laugh crying sobbing or balling of any kind is welcome though there is no better sound than a child blubbering anyone heard laughing will be struck with a wooden ruler and then expelled shh number four no excuses whatsoever for late homework I don't care if your house took off in a tornado or you abducted by aliens if your homework is so much as one second late you will be expelled number five no moaning about school dinners shoe fish are incredibly tasty and can be used in every single dish in the school canteen Shish spread Shish pie Shish stew Shish Curry Shish cake Shish blange shoe fish moose shoe fish surprise the surprise being it is made of shoe fish anyone overheard moaning about school dinners will be forced to finish their school dinner before being expell number six no wearing your tie the wrong way round so the skinny part is on the outside and the wide part is on the inside anyone found with their school tie the wrong way around will be spun around by their tie and expelled out of the [Applause] window number seven no playing in the playground at break time and lunchtime you are only permitted to stand around in the rain there shall be no playing of games any child caught playing games James will be forced to stand outside in the rain and then expelled number eight no chocolate allowed on school premises any chocolate will be confiscated personally by me I will then dispose of the chocolate by eating it anyone who refuses to hand over their chocolate to me will not be expelled they will be held upside down by their ankles and dangled out of the window until they hand over their chocolate after I have eaten their chocolate then and only then will they be exper number nine no sneezing during lessons it is disruptive to work if you do feel a tickle in your nose telling you that a sneeze is coming on then for goodness sake wait until you return home and then sneeze anyone heard sneezing in school will be expelled just as a sneeze expels snot from your nose a handy metaphor as children equal snot number 10 no complaining about how many rules there are in the school anyone found complaining will not be expelled as that is what they they would want instead they will be put down a year every year and be forced to stay at the school forever just ask old man Giles he is 92 and has been at mulch school all his life Ned was one of the hundreds of children who had been expelled from the school over the years the Headmaster had expelled so many that there were now more teachers than there were children at the school but now Ned was back and he was ready for Revenge chapter 11 blazing bottom Mr wrath had been careful not to expel all the children at his school if he did there would be no children left to expel and he loved expelling children once a child on their very first day at the school was expelled for skipping through the school Gates it was a new record for Mr wrath expelling a child who'd only been at the school for less than three seconds as for Ned the boy was expelled for the simple crime of laughing In fairness to Mr wrath the boy was laughing because in art class the pupils would charged with decorating an egg for Easter and Ned had painted his egg to look exactly like Mr wrath this was much to his and everyone else's Amusement yo boy bellowed the Headmaster what are you doing back in my school you are expelled hello again sir chirped Ned he didn't sound too bothered it is impossible to be expelled when you have already been expelled and what on Earth is this monstrosity you have brought with you spat wrath what a dreadful little man murmured slime whatever shall we do to him Ned thought for a moment we need to teach the Headmaster a lesson us kids have suffered his rages for long enough wrath is always in a rage about nothing let's finally give him something to be really really really angry about Splendid now let me think too late Blobby shouted Mr wrath I am going to punish this boy severely did you hear me severely with that the Headmaster whipped out the long wooden ruler he'd been concealing under his cloak wrath lunged at the boy ready to strike went the ruler as it chopped through the air just as Mr wrath was about to cause Ned excruciating pain slime shape shifted into a giant octopus a Sloop and only a quality dictionary like the Welling dictionary would have this word one of the sopus his arms wrestled the ruler from the Headmaster while another looped round the man's ankle before Mr wrath could shout exp the stopus lifted him high into the air Ned laughed as he looked up to see his old Headmaster upside down above him I will get you for this boy screamed Mr wrath I'm not sure you will replied the boy let him go shouted the teachers gathered in the playground actually I don't mind if you keep him muttered the bearded Deputy head Mr L had long been lusting after the top job at the school what now my young friend asked the sopus spin Mr Raph round like he spins around that ruler of his replied the boy I don't mind if I do so the sopus spun the Headmaster faster and faster and faster faster still it was as if Mr wrath were on a particularly PUK tastic Fairground ride puke tastic means Pome or puus all words you will find in your wam dictionary available from all bad bookshops let go now commanded n the slaughter buus released its grip and Mr wrath went flying off through the air he cried as he zoomed up above the clouds there was an eerie silence for a moment when it looked as if Mr wrath might be heading for outer space a sound of whistling cut through the quiet All Eyes in the playground searched the sky there shouted Ned what a shame muttered Mr lust stroking his beard there was a tiny glow of red light High in the morning sky as it began to descend Ned exclaimed it's Mr raph's bottom burning up as he reenters the atmosphere before you complain to me about this let me inform you this is science Mr rat's bottom glowed very much like the Apollo 11 spacecraft returning from the 1969 mission to the Moon that glowed red too so there [Music] cried Mr wrath as he plunged through the sky fortunately for the Headmaster he crashed landed into the sea squash there was the sound of sizzling as the water put out the blazing fire on Mr wrath's bottom cheeks then the Headmaster cried help I can't [Music] let's not be too hasty remarked Mr lust Tean biscuits anyone Ned nodded to slime they couldn't let the man drown the slotus reached out one of its arms it grew longer and longer and longer still until it reached all the way into the sea then the sopus plucked up the Headmaster who was bobbing in the waves and deposited him back in the playground Splat all the teachers had to stifle their giggles at the sight of the head Master looking most [Laughter] undignified wrath was soaking wet and the seat of his trousers had burned right through everyone could see his bright red bottom still blazing from his descent it was so red it looked like a baboon's bottom all the school children had their faces pressed up against the classroom Windows now they were laughing at their Headmaster [Laughter] too no one laughed harder than old man Giles the 92-year-old pupil whose punishment was being put down a year every year he had been in mulch School the longest 87 years to be precise old man Giles chortled so hard that his false teeth shot out and hit the window Punk this only made him laugh more if wrath were an egg he would now be scrambled goodbye sir chirped Ned sarcastically the sopus transformed into a hot air balloon uh sloon look it up in your wiing dictionary if you don't believe me and it whisked the boy up from the bench and into the sky my ruler bellowed wrath on Q the sloon dropped the ruler and it landed on the headmaster's head with a [Music] clunk laughed all the children do come back again soon and finish him off please called out Mr lust [Music] chapter 12 Cold Hearts as Ned floated across the sky in his hot air balloon made of slime he looked down on the little island he called home not far from the school was March's toy shop Envy's Emporium there he shouted to slime down we go replied his friend the toy shop belonged to twin brothers Edmund and Edmond Envy The Duo dressed identically in matching waste coats and bow ties their hair was too young for their cracky old faces it was perm tightly and dyed so black it was blue however what Edmund and Edmond were most well known for was their nastiness the pair hated children some thought they only ran a toy shop so they could hate children more as for the children of mulch it was the only toy shop on the island so they had no choice if they wanted a toy they had to go to Envy's Emporium why did Edmund and Edmond hate children so much because they envied them the Twins were bitter that they were old and ruined years and years years of sniping and snarking and snping at each other had chilled their hearts this word has had the wam dictionary seal of approval need you ask more they hated each other nearly as much as they hated children Envy's Emporium was no ordinary toy shop in amongst the cars dolls and games you would expect to find in any toy shop the twins had added some of their own special surprises an envis Emporium Snakes and Ladder set where there are no ladders just snakes on every single square a toy telephone that never ever stops ringing so it drives you bananas a rocking horse inside which the twins had placed a hidden motor it rocks so fast it hurls its Rider off a baby doll that not only cries real tears but also does number ones and number TW poo their own version of the game Operation there is no electric buzz but an electric shock when you touch the sides the electric shock is so powerful it will throw you across a room and leave you in dire need of an operation yourself a 999,999 piece jigsaw it says million pie these jigsaw on the box but the terrible twins have removed one piece you will finally get to the end after a decade and still not be able to complete it snap a trike where they had taken the seat off and replaced it with a fork so every time you sit down to Pedal you get an ouch tastic pain in your bottom ow my body ouch tastic is a real word you will find with absolute ease in the world's most trusted reference book which needs no introduction ladies and gentlemen boys and girls I give you the WAMS iary my gift to the world these were the perfect toys to bring Terror to children now Ned was determined to turn the tables on them [Music] chapter 13 Clockwork robot some time ago Ned had fallen in love with a very special toy in Envy's Emporium a toy his mom and dad could never afford to buy him Ned's parents were humble people and they worked from dawn until dusk just to put food on the table the toy Was A Clockwork robot metal and boxy with lights and worring noises just as a Clockwork robot should be the boy had seen it on display in the window of the twin's shop and he would stop by on his way home from school each night to gaze at it it was perfect Ned knew this Clockwork robot would be much more than a toy it would be a friend the boy and his robot would have adventures together they would fly spaceships battle alien armies visit distant planets and still be home in time for tea as Ned would Daydream Edmund and Edmond would spy him staring through their window and charge out of the shop be gone child Edmund would shout riched boy Edmond would agree I was only looking Ned would protest stop wearing our precious toys out with your eyes if you want going to purchase said toy then Sho never dock on our door again then the horrid pair would Retreat into their shop and slam the door a sign on the door read only one child at a time children are vile thieving rats years months and weeks passed eventually Ned had saved up enough of his pocket money to buy the robot for himself so one Saturday morning he wheeled himself inside the shop Ring went the Bell on the door strangely the shop was completely empty hello he called out hello but there was no answer with trepidation Ned picked up the Clockwork robot from the window and took it over to the till still the boy couldn't see anyone then boom the twins leapt up from behind the counter Edmond had some joke shop fangs in his mouth and was pulling a vampire face meanwhile Edmund had sharp claws on his fingers and was pulling a werewolf face the pair loved frightening children the startled Ned rolled back in his wheelchair why did you do that he spluttered happy Halloween the twins chimed in together Ned thought for a moment it's not Halloween for another 6 months it's Halloween every day in EN imporium said Edmond we don't need a special day to scare children agreed Edmund the twins looked down at the Clockwork robot the boy was holding in his hands so you finally saved up all your precious little pennies have you remarked Edmond with a look of pity on his face yes replied the boy he took out his piggy bank from next to him on his battered old wheelchair the piggy bank was indeed full of pennies Ned received just a penny a week of pocket money it was all his parents could afford but the boy had saved and saved and saved and then saved some more the night before Ned had counted all the pennies and realized to his Delight he had just enough to buy the robot the twin snatched the piggy bank and shook out the coins onto the counter the evil old pair bristled as they realized they would have to count every single one there must have been hundreds and hundreds of coins then Ned noticed Edmund whispering in Edmond's ear before the pair shared a secret smile I will go and fetch a bag purred Edmond you do that Edmund replied Edmund no you're Edmund am I yes I am Edmund are you sure quite sure I thought was the other way round no definitely not oh said Edmund the twin was most befuddled well you do that Edmond thank you Edmond replied Edmond before realizing his mistake oh you've got they doing it now the boy looked on in disbelief the Envy Twins were crackers edmon tiptoed off as Edmund began counting the coins on the counter a one p a two p p a three p Ned looked down at the Clockwork robot he was cradling in his hands at last this fantastic toy which he'd coveted for so many years was going to be his 4 P 5 P 6 P boom there was a deafening explosion right next to the boy's ear horror upon horror Ned dropped the Clockwork robot to the floor crank it smashed into pieces clatter in tears Ned leaned over in his wheelchair to collect them all up but it was no use the robot was destroyed still Edmund counted 7 P 8 P 9 P punched over the boy could feel someone looming behind him and turned round it was edmon the twin was holding what was left of a brown paper bag that he had burst oops remarked Edmond oops indeed agreed Edmund the nasty little run has broken our toy all children are vile especially this little Vandal all breakages must be paid for in full but but pleaded Ned it wasn't my fault oh yes it was you gave me a fright what fright asked Edmond mock innocently I didn't hear anything lied Edmund I'm going announced Ned the boy made a grab for the pennies all spread out on the counter but Edmund whisked them away just in time they're mine pleaded the boy you didn't listen snarled Edmond all breakages must be paid for in Fall repeated Edmund but no buts boy now beun with a heavy heart the boy turned his wheelchair chair and rolled himself out of Envy's Emporium just as Ned reached the door he turned back to see the evil peir collapsed in Hoots of laughter well you got him we got him good and proper when all this happened Ned had felt helpless to do anything today he had the power to write this wrong and so many others [Music] chapter 14 the most revolting toys in the world the hot air balloon made of slime landed on the due dusted roof of emb's imporium splat train the Bell chirped as the the door to the toy shop opened sitting on the roof Ned could see the top of a little girl's head rushing out the frizzy-haired child was in floods of Tears clutching a headless Dolly she cried a slate came loose on the roof and fell to the ground crunch the frizzy-haired girl looked up Ned sh shush Ned the girl wiped her eyes and nodded before running off home as she disappeared from view the Envy twins stepped out of their shop they laughed another satisfied customer Edmund chirped one no we've been through this a million times snap the other you are Edmund am I yes well who's Edmond then me are you sure get inside Edmund who's that you with that the pair scrambled back into their shop they both tried to go through the door at the same time and became stuck for a moment get no get off no no still hiding Up on the Roof the boy whispered to his friend when you hear me shout slime I want you to come down the chimney slime asked slime who would gone back to being a blob yes slime so now no oh when I say slime you just said it again I mean when I say it next what slime no no and keep your voice down they might hear us hiss Ned listen out for the magic word there's a magic word as well slime was becoming mightily confused no no no slime is the magic word you said it next time I say it next time you say it you are really getting annoying slime now let me down slime turned itself into a pole which the boy slid down to the ground then part of the pole separated off to form a huge motorbike for nail a motorbike made of slime a slimo wam diction boom with a smug smile Ned Spar into Envy's imporium once again the shop appeared appeared to be empty hello called out the boy hello there was silence before Edmund and Edmond leapt up from behind their counter Edmund had a joke arrow through his head and Edmond a joke axe oh one incredible shock said the boy sarcastically Ned felt rather cool sitting arride his Beast of a bike the evil pair looked most displeased we didn't expect to see you back remarked Edmund well boys here I am replied Ned defiantly what a revolting looking motorbike said edmon dismissively it's a monster said Ned as he revved the engine it's funny is what it is said Edmond funny peculiar not funny haha agreed Edmund we want it out of our Emporium now and if you're looking for a refund on the robot you smashed to Smither it's a no no no no replied Ned it's not that I just wondered if you had one particular toy toy toy spluttered Edmund this is Edmund and Edmond's Envy's Emporium the greatest toy shop on the whole island the only toy shop on the island remarked Ned still the greatest added edmont what are you looking for boy asked Edmund a bouncy ball that never ever stops bouncing suggested Edmond picking one up from behind the counter and hurling it at the floor an exploding rubber ducky chimed in his twin brother perfect for a deadly bath he turned the timer on the side and then rushed to the door and threw it out into the road caboo thick white liquid splattered all over the windows Splat split splot the milk float doing its early morning round had exploded when the Milkman returned to it with his crate he looked mightily shocked a Scrabble set without any vows said Edmond picking up their own version of the classic game or consonant the evil pair chuckled at the thought the boy simply shook his head and smiled Ned was in no rush in fact he was determined to enjoy this a giant cuddly tarantula spider purred Edmond it even bites with real venom added Edmund a potato gun that fires whole potatoes announced Edmond pulling the trigger the potato went straight through the window Edmund gave Edmond a whack around the back of his head ouch a balloon we blew up with our wretched bottom gas continued Edmund letting out some of the putrid air poo exclaimed Ned it really did stink our brand new Snakes and Ladders set now with real live snakes the pair opened up the box to to his horror Ned could see hundreds of snakes slithering inside the boy slammed the Box shut no snap Ned there is something else I want something even more revolting than all those toys you suggested the twins looked at each other and grimaced as if to say no revolting pray tell child hissed Edmond here at our Envy's imporium we do Pride our elves on selling the most revolting toys in the world I know agreed Ned all the children on the island know but there is a toy that is guaranteed to appall even you the pair sniggered we are such an appalling pair I very much doubt anything could appall us exclaimed Edmund well let's just see Edmond and Ed Edmund Envy began the boy I thought we were both called Edmund said Edmund shut up H Edmond Edmond and Edmund Envy of env's Emporium I want to introduce you to the wonderful world of Ned took a deep breath and shouted slime chapter 15 giant jelly babies nothing happened the Envy twins looked all around their Emporium before returning their beady-eyed gaze to the boy why are you shouting boy demanded Edmond we are standing right here added Edmund a feeling of panic washed over Ned a slime was all the way Way Up on the Roof it must not have heard there was only one thing for it shout louder I said I want to introduce you both to the wonderful world of slime repeated Ned still nothing things were not going to plan slime the boy shouted again nothing NADA zilch the Envy twin shared a look why oh why do you keep shouting slime asked Edmond because if you say it loud enough it will magically appear oh oh oh indeed agreed Ned let's all try together on three 1 2 three but before they could shout slime slime appeared it was gushing down the chimney and began flowing through the fireplace all over Envy's Emporium ggle I am sorry sorry I'm late slime called out I was on the L Ned looked puzzled he had no idea slime had to go to the L what would it pass more slime there wasn't time to think about that as all at once the shop was a wash with slime no shouted the pair and this time it was Ned's turn to do the chuckling the two men were up to their knees in the stuff slime whisked the boy up and placed him on the counter ow bellowed Edmond a slime Sho bowled Edmund big they both screamed but still the Slime was rising in the shop but juggle mgle now slime began Ned yes Ned replied slime as it was now coming up to their necks I want you to trans slime into a dozen little children what exclaimed the enbi just a dozen you say are slime mischievously make it a nice round 100 replied the boy no cried the pair but there was nothing they could do in a moment slime began breaking up into aund blobs these blobs took the shape of children soon there was an army of giant jelly babies children screamed Edmond children children every everywhere now kids called out Ned help yourself to any toy in the shop no cried Edmund but there was no stopping them the children of every size shape and color began taking the toys off the shelves until Envy's imporium was completely bare the Envy twins tried to stop the children by snatching the toys back but then another giant jelly baby would come up behind them and give them a good old whack around the head with a toy ow the biggest of the giant jelly babies ran to the counter and Ned pushed himself onto his shoulders time to go ordered Ned all the other giant jelly babies charged out behind him all proudly holding their toys word must have spread around the island that something was going on at Envy's imporium the frizzy-haired girl was back and this time she'd brought her friends there were children from all over mulch waiting outside the shop the giant jelly babies handed the children a toy each thank you Ned you are the best this is brilliant serves the twins right wow cool shouted the children as they made off with the loot inside the shop Edmond and Edmund were broken men they fell to their knees and howled in despair [Music] Ned slowly opened the door before shouting through the Gap Bo the twin [Music] screamed chapter 16 the perfect Shade of Green from high in the sky the Island's Park rolled into view slime had trans slimed into a pterodactyl the flying reptile that had ruled the skies millions of years ago Ned was riding arright its back with a smug Astic grin on his face a pterodactyl darkening the sky must have been a terrifying sight for anyone Below in the park not that there ever were people in mulch park that is because the park keeper forbade it Aunt Greta greed had appointed the old Soldier Captain Pride as the Island's Park keeper this man took such great pride in his kingdom or parked him that nobody was ever allowed inside keep off the grass is a sign you might see in a park keep off the path less so keep off the park never there was no doubt that the park keeper kept the most perfect Park not just on the island but in the whole world the grass was an exact shade of green not too Brown not too yellow just green if a blade of grass became in any way discolored Captain Pride would dangle himself over the lawn with his special Pride's tackle this was a piece of apparatus that Captain Pride himself ex-member of the Queen's guard had invented it consisted of a winch a harness and a series of ropes and pulleys Pride's tackle allowed the captain to dangle over the grass without touching it then he would take out his 24 piece green felt tip pen set with every shade of green imaginable and no other colors there was royal green racing green military green forest green mint green olive green broccoli green green smarty green dollar bill green Wellington boot green Shamrock green cabbage green leaf green acid Green Parrot Green Jolly Green Giant green snooker table Baye green emerald green sea green frog green jungle green moss green lime green and finally bogy green then dangling just above the ground the captain would color in the discolored blade of grass so it matched all the others perfectly the park keeper was doing just that when he heard the flapping of prehistoric Wings overhead flap flap flap of all the things the park keeper expected to see that day a flying reptile was not one of them in his army years Captain Pride had witnessed many terrifying things while serving in the jungle he had woken up to discover a python s slowly digesting his right foot as he slept been blasted in the Bottom by a bazooka Pap tiptoed over Stepping Stones to cross a river only to discover they were actually snapping crocodiles stumbled across a whoop of gorillas who were intent on playing kiss Chase with him been caught in a stampede of eleph [Music] then marched around as flat as a pancake for weeks looked in the mirror to shave his beard off except on closer inspection it wasn't a beard oh no it was a great big hairy caterpillar squatting on his chin yanked on what he thought was a toilet chain only to find it was in actual fact the tale of a tiger put on his underpants only to discover they were crawling with cockroaches come face to face with a hungry hippopotamus the creature burped with such force it blew him clean over and most horrifying of all opened the door of the wash tent only to be greeted by the sight of the old major taking a bath for goodness sake Captain knock next time I'm in the nud Woody but Captain Pride had never ever seen a pterodactyl which was understandable as they'd gone extinct millions of years before let alone a pterodactyl made of slime with a boy riding on its back what the blazes he bowed in shock his 24 piece green pens set tumbled to the ground scatter as he tried to snatch at his precious pens he accidentally let go of the lever on his Pride's tackle yeah the Rope spun through the apparatus the next thing he knew the captain found himself hoisted High into the air by his ankles there he began swinging to and fro in a manner most Unbecoming for a man of military bearing his head dumped a tree his bottom slapped a rose bush then horror upon horror the Slime pterodactyl or slim aact set its Mighty feet down onto the parks lawn its Mighty claws digging into the grass no cried Captain Pride swinging himself as hard as he could to set himself free from his tackle this he did although not without Landing upside down in a hge can you read the sign you dinosaur Captain Pride hollered as he brushed bits of hedge off his Blazer and smoothed down his mustache keep off the grass the pterodactyl trans slimed back into being a block Ned slid off his friend onto the park bench which had never ever been graced with a bottom after all there was a huge sign that read keep Off the Bench what the devil is that thing boy demanded the captain it's my friend replied Ned I'm slime said slime it reached out a Blobby hand for the captain to shake the man's nose wrinkled in disgust From the Bench the boy looked down under his feet at the perfectly green grass the grass is looking especially green today Captain Pride he chirped I said off I brushed that grass only this morning protested the captain waving a toothbrush from his breast pocket as proof you have another sign that says keep off the path remarked slime yes replied the captain well where oh where can we stand then ah slime absolutely anywhere you like as long as it's outside my park now big on but the pair were in no mood to go the two friends shared a smile the naughtiness was about to begin chapter 17 the book of Park occurrences my basketball rolled onto the grass that time didn't it pride announced Ned from the park bench Captain Pride to you the man thundered didn't it private Pride replied Ned enjoying winding up the proud Man Captain I remember it well said the park keeper all serious incident are noted down in my book of Park occurrences let me look the man pulled a little red leatherbound notebook from his Blazer pocket embossed on the cover were the words book of Park occurrences let me see January the 1st began Pride leafing through the pages not a happy New Year as at 0700 hours highly offensive sweet rapper blows into park entire area is sealed off until calit who drop said sweet rapper is far found and find Ned looked at slime and slime looked at Ned both rolled their eyes at each other 14th of February 0900 hours a pigeon does his doah on the newly waxed park bench pigeons are brought into the parked for questioning one by one until one of them squarks Ned and slime side at this silly little man oh yes here it is March the 3 Captain Pride was becoming animated now 1100 hours a basketball is bounced over the wall from the nearby playing fields and lands on the grass it bounces repeatedly seven times to be precise before eventually coming to a stop one blade of grass is killed another is seriously injured basketball is dealt within an instant with military Precision I puncture it with my litter collecting spear that basketball was a Christmas present from my granny said the boy sorrowfully she sent it all the way from the aisle of stench it accidentally bounced over the wall why didn't you just throw it back when I asked you the captain's mustache bristled I did throw it back he protested only after you burst it replied the boy I still threw it back the captain's left eye Began to Twitch right I want both of you out of my park now Ned looked at slime all in good time first we need a little something for you to jot down in your Park occurrences book it is called the book of Park occurrences not the park occurrences book corrected the captain slime continued Ned I think we need to cause some Mischief goody goody agreed his friend a thousand sweet rappers if you please what the blazes spluttered Captain Pride now shouted the boy H cried Pride the little man could make a big noise but it was too late slime trans slimed into a thousand sweet wrappers of every color imaginable they flooed through the air dancing on the breeze Captain Pride ran around in circles trying to grab them to no avail Ned laughed now let's have a 100 basketballs at once the sweet rappers plung together to form balls that bounced up and down on the grass with Glee boing boing boing the grass my precious grass keep off the grass yelled Pride but there were just too many of them he ran to fetch his litter Spear and stabbed at them but whenever he hit one it just soaked him in slime splur SPL splore yuck yuck yuck let's not forget the pigeons shouted out one of the Slime basketballs that had slime's face on it of course said Ned in an instant every one of those hundred basketballs became a pigon not just any pigeon a pooping pigeon a super duper Whooper pooping pigeon Splat Splat Splat as the birds looped and twirled through the air they dropped their load of multicolored slime poop or Sloop everywhere Splat Splat Splat the lawn was splattered Splat Splat Splat the path was splattered Splat Splat Splat the shed was splattered Splat Splat Splat the bench was splatter Splat Splat Splat halt B prde I command you to halt in the name of Greta greed one last military fly past ordered Ned slime knew what the boy meant and immediately the birds gathered information as if they were an Air Force stump team they turned high in the sky before coming straight for Captain Pride hold he bellowed that's an order but they didn't St they kept coming s the old Soldier began to run away but he was no match for the slim pids they swooped over his head dropping their load right on top of him Splat Splat Splat Splat Splat Splat Splat Splat Splat Captain Pride was splattered dirty beasts cried the man his mustache his Blazer his slacks his highly polished boots every last part of him was covered in goo oops remarked Ned you seem to have a tiny Speck of something on you Captain PR a red M Fury descended upon the park keeper I'll get you boy he yelled as he charged at Ned with his litter SP here charge and it's not PR it's Pride just in time the Slime pigeon swoop down to Ned and whisked him up from the park bench High into the air another day Captain prude he called out from above with the beat of a 100 slimy Wings the boy vanished into the clouds [Music] chapter 18 bottom Banger Madame selenio sloth was the Island's piano teacher you might reasonably assume that a piano teacher taught the piano in this case you'd be wrong sloth was the idlest music teacher in history the lady would go to the most EXT extraordinary length to avoid having to teach any of the children on the island anything whenever Ned reluctantly rolled himself over to Madame sloth's house for his weekly lesson she would not utter a single word to him instead she would look at him haughtily and open her hand to be paid once her Palm had been crossed with silver she would waddle over to her old gramophone and put on a recording she had made of her giving a piano lesson this was just in case any grown-ups were passing by her house and heard what she was really up to which was of course nothing now child let mam sloth hear those scales one more time the voice on the crackly old record would say then you would hear the sound of piano keys being struck once the illusion had been created Madam sloth would take an hourlong snooze on the Shaz [Music] [Applause] [Music] long the only way she would wake herself up in that time was with one of her own bottom bangers they were as thunderous as a Vagner Opera if her bottom bangers didn't Waker an ornate gold Carriage clock on her mantlepiece would chime to tell her the hour was up and her lesson was over how was Madame sloth allowed to get away with this because Greta gree did nothing about it in fact she encouraged it anything that brought children misery was fine by her because Ned never learned a thing about playing the piano in his years of enduring Madame sloth's piano lessons he would be sent off to have more and more lessons one day when his mother returned home from the fish market Ned told her what was really happening in those lessons nothing nout nada nothing diddly squat of course being a grown-up Ned's mother didn't believe him just like all the other grown-ups on the island Madame sloth had Bamboozled the woman into thinking she was the most fantabulous piano teacher in the world aside from her gramophone scam Adam sloth had a trio of nasty tricks up the sleeve of her long flowery blouse if a child dared to complain about the daylight robbery Madam sloth would open the piano lid and shut the nasty little wretch inside that way Madam sloth could carry on with her precious snooze undisturbed let me out if a child attempted to Grass her up to their parents in the next lesson Madam sloth would turn the piano stool upside down and make them perch on one of the legs for the full hour ouch if a child was so bold as to wake Madam sloth up from one of her snoozes they would beh held upside down by their ankles and forced to play the piano with their nose ouch ouch ouch one time Ned couldn't take any more of this nonsense as Madame sloth lay on the sofa snoring roing and bottom banging he shouted this is the end I'm never ever come into one of your stupid piano lessons ever again needless to say the piano teacher woke up in a foul mood without a word sloth walked out of the piano room and into the kitchen as Ned sat on the piano stool bemused she returned touching not one not two not three but six tins of baked beans one by one she ripped them open and guzzled them down in seconds like some kind of strong man at a fair her tummy began making the most disturbing sounds like a boiler that was about to explode H I need to go announced Ned just one moment replied sloth next she shuffled over to the boy from the way she shuffled it was clear she was clenching her cheeks together not her top cheeks her bottom cheeks then as soon as her behind was close to Ned's nose she unclenched no cried the boy sloth let off the most explosive bottom Banger of all time the force of the blast was enough to blow Ned straight out of the window no needless to say Ned was in no doubt as to how much he and all the children of the island had suffered at the hands of this monstrous woman he knew that he would be doing them all a favor by teaching the teacher a lesson the question was how [Music] chapter 19 dance to the music of slime it may surprise you to know that for someone who taught the piano Madame sloth could not actually play the piano herself not a note in fact she hated the sound of a piano being played as she did all musical instruments the only sound she did like was The Sound of Silence silence men sloth could sleep in peace as Ned and slime flew over the island Ned spotted the roof of Madam sloth's grand old black and white house it was easy to spot as she had a swimming pool the shape of a piano in the garden no doubt paid for by her illg gotten gains there exclaimed the boy the pair swooped down to the ground beside the house looking through the window surprise surprise they saw that the piano teacher if you could call her that was fast asleep on her sha long snoring away looking across the piano room Ned and slime could see the child sloth was meant to be teaching the poor thing had been made to stand on one leg on the piano stool whilst balancing a book of sheet music on her head presumably this was some kind of Punishment No Doubt for daring to stand up to the world's laziest piano teacher the pigeon set Ned down and trans slimed back into a blob the girl balancing on the stool looked as if she were about to expire her face had gone as red as a tomato and she was pouring with sweat she must have been balancing there like a flamingo for nearly an hour with a nod of his head Ned signal to her that she should Escape are you sure the girl mimed she was clearly terrified of the lady spred out on the Sha long Ned nodded his head again tentatively the girl put her other leg down and breathed a gigantic sigh of relief thank you she mouthed before tiptoeing out of the room slime slid under the boy's feet and inflated into a ball so Ned was just the right height to slide in through sloth's open window the boy eased himself through landing on a piano stool the slime ball followed at first it was too fat to fit through shunt shunt shunt then slime made itself thin and poured itself through Squatch sh shush Ned let's not wake sloth yet how best to wake someone who loves silence with the world's loudest noise of course slime began the boy breathlessly his idea was so good he couldn't get it out quick enough yes replied slime now turning back into a blob in the piano room I need you to become the hugest Orchestra in the world goody Goodie and I want you to make the noisiest noise that ever Ned wasn't sure of the word so guessed at one noised this was perfect payback for sloth's explosive bottom Banger in an instant The Blob divided into a 100 smaller blobs these small blobs smaller than globules are called globet One By One The globeds began to take shape these globeds translin into musical instruments faster than Ned could name them a tuber a French horn a violin a trumpet a double face a har a set of symbols a xop a Bast and last but not least a giant gong Madam sloth was oblivious still snoozing on her sha long now Orchestra began Ned gather around her and I will conduct when all the pieces of the orchestra were in position as close to the piano teacher as possible Ned assumed the role of conductor he picked up a banana from the fruit bowl on the coffee table to use as a baton the boy had once seen a conductor on the television so had some sense of what to do Ned tapped the banana on the table to get the attention of all the slimy instruments still Madame sloth snor and trumped away her bottom bangers were so foul they could strip the wallpaper from the walls all the instruments in the Slime Orchestra or slim kestra turned to the conductor Ned nodded and twirled his banana through the air the noisiest noise that ever noised exploded into the room a shock s shot up from the Sha's long with Incredible speed she smashed Ed up through the ceiling of her piano room bang smashed through her plush bedroom above bang finally smashing through the roof of her house screamed sloth as she sailed through the air Ned looked up from the piano store through the hole in the roof the boy smiled to himself before he remembered something he had learned something important so Isaac Newton's law of universal gravitation in short what goes up must come down screamed sloth again not that screaming did any good but it seemed like the appropriate thing to do the large lady was plummeting straight towards Little Ned if the boy didn't do something and fast he would be nothing more than human slime help screamed Ned now he was screaming too the piano Thinking Fast slime trans slimed back into a blob and reached round the legs of Madam sloth's grand piano with its Blobby arms it yanked the instrument under the hole in the roof knocking Ned on his piano stool out of the way as it did so scream sloth before Crash Landing into her own grand piano my Pi she cried from inside the mess of wood and keys and wire now I can't give any more piano lessons you never did retorted the boy Ned she screamed I will get you for this with that sloth tried to lift herself up from her piano in order K fuffle the gold Carriage clock toppled off her mantlepiece it clunk sloth on the head OU she cried another job well done remarked Ned always a pleasure replied slim as it trans slimed into a rocket hop on the boy smiled and hauled himself up then the rocket blasted him through the hole in sloth's ceiling High into the sky above I got the zomies out the boy in Delight [Music] chapter 20 gruesome tusome Glutton glasses was the name emblazened on the Island's one and only ice cream van the Proprietors were a husband and wife team Glenn and Glenda Glutton they were meant to sell ice cream but instead they ate it all of it every last bit the tech s they had for stealing from children was foolproof the van would be parked up outside the playground or school or Beach anywhere on the island where children could be found then Mrs Glutton would appear at the serving window what delicious ice cream would you like my dear she would ask in her nice voice she had a nice one and a nasty one more of the nasty one in a moment ooh Ned cooled looking at the sign with all the delicious toppings take your time my dear and Mr whippy with chocolate sauce and chocolate chips and a chocolate flake please Ned really liked chocolate wonderful Choice my dear now Mommy first can you change a one note please asked the boy it had been a Christmas present from his grandmother of course we can my dearest of dear as soon as Ned had passed the money over she snatched it out of his hand and yelled Mr gon drive this was her nasty voice Glenn Glutton who'd been sitting in the driving seat all along then put his foot down on the accelerator pedal and they sped off as they did the pair shouted long poor Ned was left at the side of the road in a cloud of burning rubber fell from the tires with no ice cream and no pound note how could the Glutton be allowed to get away with this gret agreed of course there had been many attempts to bring the pair to justice but greed stepped in every time to prevent them from being arrested to think that this awful Joo had made so many children miserable caused the old lady's dark heart to sing with joy the aisle of mulch often has had visitors providing fresh victims for the Glutton the gruesome Tome were not the best advertisements for their own ice cream both ate so much of it straight from the pump that their teeth had turned black or fallen out altogether sometimes a rotten tooth would fly out mids sentence and hit a child on the head ping because they ate so much ice cream Glenn and glender Glutton had ballooned so much so that they never left their van they couldn't it was impossible for them to fit through the doors so the Glutton slept in the van they ate in the van they even did their doodah in the van just don't ask for the chocolate sprinkles they don't smell anything like chocolate as Ned zoomed over the island on his slockit he spotted a long line of children they were from the Posh boarding school on the aisle of twaddle their hideous purple and yellow Blazers gave them away the pupils must have been on a trip to see the world's most boring tourist attraction mulch's medieval Fort it was a ruin little more than a few old stones jutting out of the ground because it was old grown-ups decided that children had to go and look at it often for hours at a time dive ordered the boy still riding the slock he hovered over over the heads of the children they were too sad to even crack a smile at a rocket made of slime what happened Ned called out from above it was those rotten ice cream sellers sobbed one they took a memo order of ice creams from our whole school and made off with all our pocket money blubbered another the pair was so rude they shouted so long suckers as they sped off in the dirty old van snuffled a third we thought having ice cream would help us get over the crushing disappointment of having visited the world's dullest tourist attraction bould forth but we were wrong it's made this school trip the worst day out ever yow the fifth I would actually prefer to be at toddle college for Noble Offspring right now doing double mathematics surely nothing is worse than double mathematics exclaimed Ned this is replied the previous child before bursting into floods of Tears this set all the twaddle children off [Music] again it was a symphony of sobbing these kids are really annoying murmured slim shushed Ned before turning to the children to ask which way did the gruesome Tome go all of the children were balling their eyes out actually unable to speak oh for goodness sake muttered slime instead the children pointed fortunately all in the same direction thank you kids slime that way ordered Ned and he zoomed on I'll be back toadlers the aisle of mon was a network of long windy Country Roads sheltered by trees so it was difficult to spot vehicles from above but then Glutton glasses was no ordinary vehicle this great pink monstrosity with a giant model of a Mr whippy ice cream on its roof would be visible from outer space soon the van rolled into view and Ned signaled for slime to zoom down beside it at first Mr Mrs didn't see the strange sight of a boy riding a slet zooming beside them Glenn was in the driving seat devouring a humongous handful of ice cream with a flake sticking out Ned tapped on the driver's window to get the brut's attention at first Glenn smiled and nodded back before The Surreal display made him slam on the brakes the ice cream he was scoffing went everywhere all over his face Splat and all over the wind screen splut meanwhile in the back Mrs Glutton had been counting the cash she'd stolen from the twaddle children because of the sudden stop she found herself upside down on the floor of the van help me you fool she cried out to her husband unable to pull herself up to stand I can't say shouted Mr Glutton as he scrambled over his seat into the back of the van as he did so his huge foot knocked the tap on the ice cream pump Mr whiy began swamping them cried Mrs G my body is frozen still blind from having a face full of ice cream Mr G tripped over his wife and fell right on top of her o he cried ouch get off me you great lump I am not a great lump no I am sorry I got it wrong you were a massive lump n who was still hovering outside the window burst out laughing someone's laughing at us barked Mr Glam they are really going to Yes it bold Mrs Glam chapter 21 peeved cow Mrs Glutton shoved her lump of a husband off her and scrambled her her feet next she shut off the ice cream T which had still been splurging away it's Ned announced Ned still hovering outside their van on his socket remember me the boy was sure the pair would after so cruy stealing his pound note no barked glender should I yes said the boy miffed that he hadn't been remembered I know you began Glenn Ned smiled go on aren't you the boy who was just flying by the window yes sna Ned but I mean before then obviously you don't ring any bells muttered glender I am Ned I ordered a Mr whippi I gave you a pound note you just stole it and sped off no ice cream no nothing Mr and Mrs Glutton looked at each other sorry still no not a clue said Mrs Glutton to be honest began Mr G we do that all day every day so try as we might we can't remember individual victims don't take it to heart boy chirped Mrs G licking Mr whippy off her chin with a thick rough tongue if this was meant to pacify Ned it had the opposite effect the boy became enraged well I'm going to get my revenge on the pair of you for me and the hundreds of other children you have robbed the pair looked at each other and burst out laughing hundred began Mr Glutton it's more like thousands millions his wife chuckled billions trillions zillions well I ned am going to use my slime power for all of them announce Ned you what grunted Glenn the boy's bananas grunted glender your crime spree is over you have to catch it first exclaimed Mr gluton with that he hauled himself onto the driving seat and stamped on the accelerator pedal so longer they shouted the ice cream van birched off toppling Mrs Glutton off her feet again o she cried as she landed on her ample bottom the problem was that the wind screen was still covered in ice cream Mr Glutton couldn't see a thing as a result the van skidded off the road smashed through a hedge then bumped its way across a field of cows cried the cows as well you might if an ice cream van was speeding straight at you and and of course you were a cow watch where you going you fool yelled Mrs Glutton bouncing up and down in the back I can't see a blasted thing yeah old Mr Glutton he flicked on the windscreen wipers swish swash swish swash the ice cream won't come off he bellowed well that's because it's on the inside you ignoramus Mrs Glutton bellowed back the man shook his head and wiped the inside of the windscreen with his SLE Le at last he could see but the sight that greeted Mr Glutton made him shriek with horror on Ned's suggestion slime had formed into a giant Mr whippy ice cream the boy was the topping remember me now cold Ned the ice cream fan was heading straight for it still no barked Mr gluton he was driving too fast to make the van stop he stamped on the brake hard so hard that the back wheels jumped up into the air it somersaulted over the giant Mr whippy before Crash Landing upside down on the [Music] grass cried the cows as they scattered out of the way slime trans slimed back into a blob placing Ned onto the back of a peeve looking cow good girl well get you for this boy shouted an upside down Mr Glutton we'll get you good and proper agreed an upside down Mrs Glutton then the boy gave the cow a gentle slap and it trotted closer to the ice cream van well seeing as you love ice cream so much I thought you might like to try the special slime flavor slime flavor bored Glenn sounds disgusting Bor Glenn it is replied the boy slime let's give the good Mr and Mrs Glutton a humongous helping a splendid idea Ned it said before oozing through the Gap in the window the pair screamed as goo began filling their upturned van still the Slime oozed and oozed in until the entire upside down ice cream vanand was full to burst in then the windscreen windows and the doors exploded with the pressure the van broke into pieces the gruesome tusome oozed out onto the cow Pat covered grass in a giant puddle of slime or slav moaned Mrs Glutton I'm all SL me what it done to our van cried Mr glutton slime seize their ice cream ordered Ned goody goody replied The Blob as it gathered itself back together no cried the pair we're barely eaten today said Mr G we're starving added Mrs G but slime was quick and it soon pulled the huge metal ice cream dispenser out of the wreck of the van we have some hungry children to feed Ned announced let's fly why slime became a giant Airship or slime epilin which is a merging of the word slime and Zeppelin and picked up the boy from the back of the Grateful cow then it whisked Ned and the ice cream dispenser High into the sky we'll get you began Mr Glutton what's your name again so long suckers called back Ned [Music] chapter 22 ice cream party the kids from twaddle school for Noble Offspring was still boohoo hooing beside the ruin when Ned returned in his Airship made of slime [Music] kids called out Ned I told you I'd be back and I've brought ice cream yes they all cheered as slime and Ned descended slime set the ice cream dispenser down on a boring block of stone that the GRS claimed was once part of mulch's medieval Fort the Posh children all rushed over to the big metal box of Mr whippy IAM they cried Yoo slime was now back to its bobulous self sitting next to Ned on a Mossy Stone the friends shared a smile at another job well done in an instant the cheers of the children turned to silence excuse me but where are the cones asked one oh sorry we didn't think to bring any cones replied Ned rather taken her back and I am partial to a chocolate flake remarked another well we didn't really really have time to and hundreds and thousands inquired a third ungrateful little began slime sh shush Ned they all bowled together now we are not going to have any ice cream moaned one this trip has gone from bad to worse whined another take me back to double maths whimpered a third slime rolled its eyes I've got a good mind to take that ice cream dispenser and shove it shush shush Ned look kids all you have to do is flick the nozzle and it's an ice cream poty Ned did just that and the soft white Mr whippy ice cream splurged out it splurged all over NE it splurged all over slim it splurged all over the children it's splurged all over mulch's medieval for in no time everyone was covered in the stuff they looked like snowmen ice cream party cried one licking the ice cream off her nose this is the best day ever cried another scooping handfuls of ice cream off the top of her head shoving them in her mouth I still would have liked to play muttered a third tearfully I'm G in tolerance remarked a fourth is it aat an option you can't please everyone muttered Ned to slime it certainly seems that way it replied where next my friend the day is coming to an end Ned instantly knew where everything today has been leading up to this this is the last one and it's going to be dangerous goody goodie I love Danger [Music] chapter 23 flying sorcerer are you allergic to cats asked Ned it was an important question Aunt Greta had 101 of them not that I know of said slime then let's go exclaimed the B boy do you have a preferred mode of Transport surprise me slime smiled and transed into a flying saucer a flying saucer exclaimed Ned as he watched the thing Spin and spin I suppose I was thinking of cats cats drink out of sorcerers you are clever I know agreed slime let's go slime PL the boy from the fort and placed him on top of the flying sorcer Which Way Ned it asked the boy was spinning round on top of the sorcer and beginning to feel more than a little dizzy however he could see his aunt's colossal Castle sitting proudly on the tallest hill of the island that way he said pointing in every direction you mean the castle Arline yes so who lives there the person who owns this wretched Island the one who loves children more than anyone my aunt Greta she sounds delightful joke slime delightful is not the first word that Springs to mind so I take it you are not close close I haven't seen Aunt Greta in a long long time well then we need to pop by the slim flying sorcerer spun faster and faster through the sky with poor Ned clinging on for dear [Music] life chapter 24 kitty litter Castle there are cat ladies and there are cat ladies Aunt Greta greed was a cat lady she had over a hundred of them Aunt Greta and her 101 cats I told you she had over 100 lived in a remote Castle it stood high on a hill overlooking the entire aisle of mulch which she owned because of her obsession with cats Aunt Greta had named her home kitty litter Castle the grand old lady wore long flowing dresses dotted with images of cats whenever she walked she clanked because she was drowning in jewelry all Aunt Greta's jewelry was of course cat themed Cat broches Cat earrings cat bracelets cat Rings cat pendants cat watches and she even had a cat Tiara a crazy cat crown on her walls the lady had the most extraordinary collection of artwork as long as you liked cats the cats were often rendered in Recreations of famous paintings the Mona MGI the cat's scream with a Pearl Earring the son of cat the moggy's mother the cat's kiss the Laughing cataler portrait with a bandaged ear cat leading the cats and the cat's lunch on the grass but there weren't just paintings of cats oh no there were also statues of cats everywhere in bronze silver and gold here was a statue of a cat playing with a ball of wool here was another of one curled up asleep she even had one of a cat licking its own bottom as Aunt gret agreed had 101 cats she couldn't possibly remember that many names so she decided to name every single one of them titles ttles it's dinner time she would call and 101 cats would charge to water her sweeping her off her feet cats were Aunt Greta's only friends the lady didn't like people she didn't trust them even though Ned was her nephew she never ever saw him or her niece jamaa or even her younger sister their mother that is because Greta had come into a large inheritance from a long lost relative it was Millions upon Millions upon millions and greed wasn't sharing a penny of it with anybody there was a huge sign outside the castle that read trespassers will be eaten by cats if this wasn't enough to put you off trying to get in then the lack of a draw bridge over the moat might years ago Aunt Greta greed burned it and it sank into the water below with no drawbridge to the castle nobody could come near greed could be left all alone with her riches and of course her cats these pampered creatures sported sparkling diamond encrusted collars devoured caviar fish eggs which might not sound expensive but which are hideously so and slept on silk sheets in four poster beds in the event of her death Aunt Greta was planning to leave Kitty lter castle and all its contents to you've guessed it her cats there were times when those close to Aunt Greta begged for her to help them for a morsel of food for somewhere to sleep for the night for a penny to help anybody even those in desperate need even Ned when he needed some new tires for his wheelchair had been spurned by his Wicked Aunt as were all the children of the island one day a group of children plucked up the courage to ask please may we play a game of football one of the fields without a word to them Aunt Greta set her 101 cats on the children titles attack [Applause] needless to say the children never asked again but they never forgot her cruelty and neither did Ned chapter 25 a swarming sea of cats the Slime flying sorcerer or Uso unidentified sliming object spun through the sky it spun so fast that poor Ned couldn't hold on any longer one by one Ned could feel his fingers lose their grip as the Uso flew over kitty litter Castle the boy felt himself flying through the air he screamed slime chased after him but Ned was spinning so fast it couldn't catch him he tumbled through the air into the Castle's moat the boy sank deep under the water he couldn't swim unless slime did something and fast Ned would be no more slime dived down into the motor and came back up as some kind of sea monster with a soaked Ned riding on its back needless to say as it was wet the monster was slippery too Ned couldn't hold on whoa he cried as he slid down the monster's back just as he was about to to fall off completely the monster swished its tail and sent the boy flying through the air wa Ned flew straight over the wall of the castle below him Ned could see the castle Courtyard getting nearer and nearer it was a swarming sea of cats cats of every size and color black cats white cats ginger cats gray cats red cats blue cats even one of those weird baly cats any moment now the boy was going to land right on top of them help he screamed [Music] [Music] cats chapter 26 eaten alive as Ned tumbled through the air he shut his eyes tight the boy was about to be eaten alive by 101 cats however what Ned didn't see was that slime was arching up from the moat to form a bouncy castle beneath him a bouncy castle made of slime a souny castle this sloun Castle landed right on top of the cats Ned landed in the dead center of the souny castle only to find himself flying back up into the air back over the wall and heading straight for the moat again once n had been plucked from the murky depths slime turned itself into a ladder a slatter a slatter seemed like the perfect way to get over the castle wall that was until the boy actually tempted to haul himself up with his arms it was so wet and slippery he slid straight back down into the moat eventually after much discussion between Ned and his slimy friend a solution was found it was so simple it was brilliant the boy would be shot out of a slime Cannon or sannon and land on top of kitty litter Castle so on the count of three 1 two three slime blasted Ned up into the air over the wall of the castle over the courtyard of cats over the other wall of the castle crash landing in the moat on the far side no slime trans slimed back into the sea monster and plunged down into the depths of the moat to save his friend once back on dry land the boy wailed this is impossible nothing is impossible replied slime getting into Aunt Greta's Castle is yes apart from that obviously obviously the pair thought for a moment there must be some way over the wall and pass those cats said Ned what do cats hate are slime dogs then a dog I shall be in an instant slime trans slimed into a dog or SLO the SLO which was 100 times the size of a normal dog dried itself off by doing that weird shaking thing that dogs do next the SLO placed Ned on its back miraculously the boy didn't slip off it then paced away from the castle before bounding towards it and taking a gigantic jump they leapt over the wall and success they landed in the castle Courtyard right on top of the Sea of cats with cats circling them the pair were scared what shall we do asked SL you are a dog reminded Ned gr at them I'll try replied [Music] slime Aunt Greta's cats were not easily scared in fact they actually laughed at this pitiful display oh no said Ned oh yes said slime the cats began circling The Intruders before going on the attack bearing their fangs some of the boulder cats began scratching at this dog with their claws swipe scratch Ned and slime cowed in a corner they cowered so far in the corner that in no time the pair were nothing more than a gooey mess oh no exclaim slime oh yes exclaim Ned it looks like the end it certainly does they're just so many of them how many are slime I can't count them all they keep moving around still AR Greta's Army of cats his and swiped with their claws swipe scratch if they aren't scared of dogs there must be something else they're frightened of reasoned Ned but what the cats were pouring nearer and nearer water exclaimed the boy of course agreed slime slime become a Raging Sea now slime did just as its friend asked in no time at all the castle Courtyard was sloshing with a slimy seed or [Applause] [Music] slee Scream the cats Ned was right the cats were scared of water in fact they were terrified the Monstrous moggies were now leaping onto anything floating on the surface of the slimy sea chairs tables other cats Ned who was body surfing on a wooden tray spied an open window on the the wall through here slime he called out the boy slid through the window and the Sea of slime followed pouring itself through the narrow frame inside the castle the boy fell on the floor o the Slime poured on top of him Splurge y said the boy Ned looked around he was inside the biggest room he'd ever been in in his life it was a picture of opulence oil paintings press antiques crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling it was a world away from the humble Cottage where he lived who goes there demanded a voice it was Ned's Aunt gret AG greed the lady was standing right over them dripping with jewels and holding a particularly fearsome cat in her arms that was the cat not Aunt Greta [Music] chapter 27 a cat as big as a bear at first glance it wasn't clear who was holding who it might as well have been the cat holding the aunt as they were both the same size the cat like all the others was called titles this titles you could tell apart from all the rest for the the simple reason that it was the size of a grizzly bear it was really gigantic titles I said who goes there repeated Aunt Greta the boy heaved himself up onto a chair meanwhile slime which had spread out all over the silk rug gathered itself together again it took its bobulous form behind the boy bobulous means blobel and blobel means blob it's me Aunt Greta your favorite nephew Ned spluttered the boy well I say favorite you've only got one so I must be your favorite aunt Greta was not the least amused you are a leech is what you are boy sucking all you can for me like the rest of your wretched family the evil cat was giving him the evil eye they glinted like the diamonds on his collar it hissed didn't you read the sign trespasses will be eaten I want you out of my castle now or I'll set tittles on you with that she hurled gigantic tittles towards the boy the great thing landed with a thud on the floor goof and who is this gigantic Boogie with you demanded Aunt Greta Charming exclaimed slime as it looked down it noticed that gigantic tid was licking slime's Blobby foot with its huge rough tongue slime did not agree with the cat one bit and soon gigantic titles was coughing up not hair balls but slime balls slime is my friend replied the boy how perfectly revolting to have a lump of snot for a friend remarked Aunt Greta you should try having a friend someday Aunt Greta we worry about you here all alone in your Castle the lady chuckled to herself friends I have no need for friends or family or anybody these are my nearest and dearest with that the lady displayed her jewels to the boy Aunt Greta looked like a Christmas tree with sparkly decorations dangling from every conceivable Place pearl earrings in the shape of cats yeah my grandmother gave it to me a ruby brooch with the face of a cat r a solid gold cat watch true story a a silver bracelet with cat charms on it it's very heavy on the wrist a sapphire pendant in the shape of a cat I know don't want one and of course her crazy cat Crown got that in a charity shop you might mistake Aunt Greta for a member of the royal family if it were not for the stench of catp what are you doing here boy she sneered I didn't invite you to my castle I never invite people to my castle they always want something thing well actually began Ned before he was cut off is it money is that why you're here because I will tell you now that you aren't getting a single penny of my Millions do you hear me boy not a penny is she always like this whispered slime huh this is her on a good day replied Ned what do you want Boy tell me she thundered or else I will set my 101 cats on you Ned looked up at the castle window the other 100 cats must have scrambled up the courtyard wall now they were streaming into the living room a Rushing River of [Music] cats led by gigantic ttles all the other ties began circling the pair ready to strike tell me boy she yelled causing her jewelry to Clank together oh you will be C food the boy had the naughtiest notion a notion that would teach this lady a lesson a lesson that might just change the lives of all the children of mulch forever I'm here Auntie Deus because I wanted to give you something the lady was intrigued me yes you I worry that you just don't have enough jewelry great to look down at her many adornments you are right boy she trilled I don't have nearly enough sparkly things there is always a need for more more more would you like some more asked Ned yes growled greed give me give me give me more Ned looked at slime I knew you'd want more please let my friend slime treat you the pairs smiled at each other slime knew exactly what to do let's start with another necklace exclaimed the boy with that slime's chest open and a torpedo of Goo shot out spurge it hit the lady's chest covering her in slime and of course some new earrings two smaller slime bombs struck her ears Splat splat and why have a tiara when you can have a great big massive Crown then what was left of slim Rose into the air and came crashing down on her head covering her from top to bottom in goo she shrieked as Ned allowed himself a chuckle slime gathered himself together again and shot back over to the boy we need to get out of here exclaimed slime why the ties are on the attack Ned looked down surrounding him were cats cats and more cats leading the pride of cats was gigantic titles the enormous Beast jumped up at the boy its fangs bear slime thought fast without a word it shot up to the ceiling Splat and stuck there it was now like a giant jellyfish long gooey tentacles poured down from above what about me Ned called up I'm getting there slime called down just in time the tentacles scooped up the boy and whisked him to the ceiling who Ned's bare feet became embedded in the Slime splut he hung there upside down Out Of Reach of the cat's claws feeling more than a little pleased with himself however the smug look on his face turned sour as his slim drenched Aunt barked her order titles is eat that [Music] boy chapter 28 a mountain of moggies Aunt Greta must have trained her 101 cats in Circus skills unlikely I know but stay with me because immediately the beasts began climbing up on each other's shoulders the cats formed some kind of cat ladder or CER to give it his proper name come on everyone knows that word in no time the cats were Rising higher and higher in the blink of an eye they were dangerously close to the boy their sharp claws Swip at him swish swish swish slime please do something Ned screamed slime started sliming its way along the ceiling to escape splut splut splut however it soon became Tangled Up in a chandelier TI we have them now bellowed Aunt Greta From Below as she wiped the goo off her face enjoy your dite beauties now cats are not the brightest of creatures in my experience of spending time with different types of animals I would rate their intelligence thus chimpanzees at the top being the most intelligent then Dolphins elephants parrots rats crows dogs pigeons pigs octopuses and finally the least intelligent cats the not so clever thing that the cats did was make the kitten tites go at the bottom of the Cat Land then the fully grown tites go in the middle then the gigantic titles at the top gigantic ttles was now level with the boy tangled up with slime in the chandelier the Monstrous mgy was chomping at the air just a whisker from Ned's face a slime tried to escape from the chandelier it accidentally swung the upside down boy straight towards the Beast scream n chomped gigantic titles as its fangs bit into Ned's ear the pain was eye watering what's more the Beast was not letting go help a giant cat earring is perhaps the most painful earring of them all the boy kept swinging and gigantic titles swung too swish the Beast swung so far that the CER began to crumble as gigantic tit stayed locked onto Ned's ear with its fangs the other hundred cats beneath him took a tumble or cble the hund cats fell right on top of Aunt Greta th thug [Music] thug the lady was buried under a mountain of mockings came a muffled Cry No Doubt one of the cats bottoms or problems was stuck right under her nose with all the other cats having tumbled or cumbed to the floor incredibly gigantic titles was still dangling or kangling from NED by his ear try as Ned might to fight it off the Beast was not letting go of Ned's ear in fact it was sinking its fangs deeper and deeper into his flesh no screamed Ned as you might if you had a giant cat that weighed as much as a small car dangling from your ear meanwhile Aunt Greta was scrambling up from underneath the mountain of cats many of her moggies were still stuck all over her gooey body the wicked lady looked like a huge furry monster I can't get this gigantic cat off my ear screamed Ned this is a sentence that for all his centuries of Acclaim you will never find in a book by Charles Dickens tickle it suggested slime tickle it it's worth a try immediately the upside down pair began tickling gigantic titles all over its body its ears its chin its legs its tummy its tail nothing worked the cat remained unmoved tickle the tip of its tail ordered Ned I am not tickling the tip of a cat's tail replied Sim why not demanded the boy people will talk nonsense let's do it together that is exactly what they did the pair tickled the tip of gigantic tit's tail the cat laughed as it did so it opened its mouth and let go of Ned's ear gigantic titles fell through the air no cried Aunt Greta From Below as a cat the weight of a baby elephant crashed down on her head oh she cried have you had enough now ask Ned or would you like more more more please pleaded Aunt Greta no more more more then things have to change on mulch anything just name it no more nasty grown-ups terrorizing children I haven't a clue who you mean she protested you know exactly who I mean wrath The envies Pride sloth the Glutton we children want them all off the island forever oh ask greed or slime will have its fun with you no she begged I will have them shipped off in once excellent and as for you well I I promise to be nicer to the nasty little wretches I mean children H Muse the boy you are getting there now please know you're welcome to be part of our family again we would love you to pop over for tea at our Cottage one day uh uh um stuttered the lady slime will take you it would be a pleasure said slime with a wicked tone in its voice goody goody and no to the lift but yes for the tea she replied super said Ned now slime let's go slime untangled itself from the chandelier to become a jetpack or sled pack goodbye for now said Ned together the friends shot out of the castle window and Aunt Greta watched them go open mouth in shock chapter 29 Setting Sun it had been the most slimtastic day but it was nearly over the sun was setting over mulch home please called out the boy to the slimy jetpack on his back certainly Ned obliged slime and they flew through the sky back to the place where the adventure had begun the family Cottage Ned's home was eerily quiet from above as it was only dusk his mother and father would still be hard at work but where was his sister Jima upon searching the whole house Ned found that it was empty Jima he called out jamaa but she was nowhere to be found where is she asked the boy slime shook its slimy head no idea but she can't have gone far mulch isn't a big island checking in the bathroom Ned noticed his wheelchair was missing too my wheelchair she's taken my wheelchair my sister is an absolute horror where in Earth has she put it he cursed what would she want with it I bet she's thrown it off a cliff Ned you don't know that she's done worse jamaa can't be all bad oh she is well let's see if we can find her if we do I'm sure your wheelchair won't be far away I guess so I know so come on with that slime scooped the boy out of the bathroom and they took to the skies once more this time Ned's friend trans slimed into a kite or slight the boy lay on top of the slight and together they flew across the island in search of Jima look shouted the boy bootprints indeed there were big bootprints in the mud leading into the forest the pair glided over the trees until Ned spotted a clearing there was a flash of bright colors down below and the boy thought it might just be his big sister's flowery dress he gestured for slime to descend and silently the pair swooped down to the forest floor slime changed back into being a blob it scooped Ned up in its blob the arm and held him tight the boy was right up ahead beside the oldest tree in the forest was Jima and his wheelchair the girl was too far away for Ned to know what she was doing but he was sure she was up to no good let's get her again Ned whispered to slime hang on a moment hesitated slime no come on we need the element of surprise now turn yourself back into a Bo ball a slime ball exactly then we can roll over to her and surprise cover her from head to toe in slime slime Shrugged as much as a blob of slime can shrug and did what it was told Ned pulled himself onto the top of the slime ball and together they rolled across the forest nearer and nearer to the girl it was only when they were near that Ned saw that jima's head was resting on the seat of his wheelchair there the boy wanted to tell her that he'd blown off countless times on the very spot where her nose was but thought better of it it would spoil the surprise rolling nearer still Ned noticed Jima was doing something he'd never heard her do before she was crying why is she blubbering whispered Ned to sim maybe your sister misses you don't be Dar slime she hates me just just like I hate her come on let's get closer the slime ball rolled over a twig that snapped in two the noise must have startled Jima acting on Instinct she leapt to her feet and kicked out she kicked so hard with her booted foot that Ned and slime shot up into the sky Rush screamed the boy as he began tumbling back to Earth he realized this particular plan had not gone too plan slime he shouted out help me slime was a great deal higher in the sky than him Ned I can't get to you the boy screamed Ned was plummeting straight towards [Music] Jima Chapter 30 forever then the most marvelous thing happened Jima caught Ned In Her Arms o she exclaimed Ned I'm so pleased I found you now face to face Ned saw she had tears in her eyes slime landed a little way off in the forest but it began rolling over towards them through the tall trees why would you cry to my M asked Ned I was worried about you she replied holding her little brother in her arms me the boy couldn't believe his ears yes you I'm so sorry I made you run away from home well you were always so beastly to me I know but I never wanted you to run away when you did I realized how much I you what asked Ned was Jima really going to say it like you I thought you were going to say love let's stick with like right now replied Jima like is good exclaimed Ned you are my little brother and I should be looking after you not playing horrid tricks on you thank goodness for that but why were you hiding out here in the forest since Dawn I've been looking all over the island for you the forest was the last place I looked I broke down because night was falling and I thought you were gone forever by this time slime had rolled all the way over to the pair hello said slime screamed Jima it talks there's no need to scream reassured Ned I am perfectly friendly said slime you did boot me up the bottom said Jima oh yes replied slime sorry about that I deserved it she said but what are you I am slime Jima lifted up her hand and touched this strange creature yes you do feel very very slimy she remarked slime was made when I mixed together all those disgusting things you had collected in jaars added Ned jima's eyes fell so you found out about my little plan yes I did replied Ned oh no she said oh yes but because of all that I made a friend and had the most marvelous adventure well that's something I guess where have you been she asked flying all over the island repli slime we have been writing wrongs well I would like to write a wrong began the girl Ned I'm sorry the boy smiled and wrapped his arms around his sister come with us said Ned let's take one last flight me said Jima yes you said the boy he took his sister by the hand one last time around the island please slime with pleasure replied slime it scooped up the peir and took to the sky this time it changed into a great slimy Dragon Ned and Jima held on to each other as they sat on its back its wings flapping below [Music] them chapter 31 final flight together Ned and Jima flew all over mulch they flew over the school where the pupils were all streaming out of the building laughing and joking the children waved up to the three in the sky thank you n they cried the boy beamed and waved back next they flew over the park to Ned's surprise a group of kids were playing football on the grass they shouted up we love you the boy beamed thank you he called back then they flew over the toy shop nearby a gaggle of children were out playing with their new toys you are the best they shouted up flying asde the dragon the boy did a little bow I've got a really cool brother remark Jima get used to it said Ned the pair chuckled as they flew over their mother's Fish Market stall and waved to her mom look we're up here the poor woman fainted and fell into a tray of fish as well you might faint if you saw your children flying on the back of a dragon made of slime or a Slimer gon Ned and Jima swooped over their father's fishing boat that was just coming into Port Dad look the man nearly tumbled off his boat into the sea Oops said Ned another boat was heading out of port it was a prison ship all the horrid grown-ups wrath The envies Pride sloth and the Glutton were all locked in cages on the deck they rattled their bars and screamed at the sky they cried so long suckers called out the boy laugh Jima and she Ned and slime soared high up above the clouds finally they flew towards the Sun as it set on the most extraordinary day mulch had ever known Jima held tight to her brother wrapping her arms around his chest the boy looked over his shoulder and smiled no words were necessary it is not because I'm too lazy to read them eventually the three returned to the clearing in the forest landing at the spot where they had left Ned's wheelchair slime turned back into its usual Blobby self wow exclaimed Jima her face beaming with joy I know right replied Ned wow so my little brother is some kind of superhero now Ned chuckled I guess so but you know what I don't want to be a superhero I just want to be me with that the boy slipped off slime for the last time and back into his wheelchair that's better said Ned not nearly so slimy well began slime it seems as if my work here is done I will bid you both a fond farewell well the two children hugged the great slimy blob thank you slime we'll never forget you said Ned I will go and find some other children who might need naughty pranks playing on grown-ups Lucky them said Ned look after each other we will said the pair in unison with that slime changed into thousands of little blobs these little blobs flew up past the trees and into the sky there they fluted for a few months before darting off in all directions over the skyh wash soon slime would be in the hands of children all over the world children just like you epilog we should be home in time for tea said Ned it's your birthday tomorrow remember Jima I know no surprises please as if chuckle the girl I will run your bath Ned gave his sister a look with water she continued I almost trust you Ned began turning the wheels of his wheelchair and Jima took the handles at the back let me give you a push she said I don't need a push in fact why don't you hop on are you sure yep this thing is cool let me show you what me and my wheelchair can do all right replied the girl as she hopped onto a bar at the back Ned gathered speed soon they'd weaved their way out of the forest and were speeding along a Country Lane Ned knocked up the front wheels and the pair did a wheelie love it exclaimed Jima you've seen nothing yet then he began spinning the chair round and round as the pair hurtled down a hill they exclaimed we got the [Music] Zoomies the end [Music] that was Slime by David Williams read by David Williams and Adia deitan Morgana Robinson Daniel Barker Jonathan kid Verona Rose and nit in GATRA produced by Tanya a and Patch McQuade at ID audio sound design by Michael Bennett with music by Mark moris a Harper Collins children's audio book text copyright 2020 by David Willams production copyright 2020 by Harper Collins Publishers All Rights Reserved David Williams asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work thank you for listening [Music] [Applause] [Music]