RFK Jr. Declares Kamala Debate Winner, Election Day Almost Upon Us: Late Night's News of the Week

-Let's get to the news. In a new interview with podcaster Lex Fridman, former President Trump acknowledged that he lost the 2020 election "by a whisker." Luckily for Trump, nobody heard it, because it was on Lex Fridman's podcast. [ Laughter ] In a new interview, Hillary Clinton gave Vice-President Kamala Harris advice for her upcoming debate against former President Trump and said Harris should "bait him." Oh, good idea. You know what she should do? Show up as a Black woman. [ Laughter ] Former President Trump held a rally on Saturday and said he would eliminate the Education Department. It's part of his new Every Child Left Behind program. [ Laughter ] Former First Lady Melania Trump announced last week she will release her first memoir. Wow! When did she have the time to write a book? Oh, right. Always. [ Laughter ] The Taliban recently released a new 114-page manifesto restricting women's rights. They're calling it Project 1025. [ Laughter ] Today was the first day of Google's second antitrust trial, where the Justice Department is seeking to break up the company due to its control of Internet searches. For more on this story, Bing it! [ Laughter ] And finally, a man in Michigan recently won free wings for a year at a local bar by chugging 24 ounces of ranch in just 13 seconds. But it sounds like that guy is headed for some free wings anyway. [ Laughter ] Vice-President Kamala Harris and former President Trump faced off tonight in their first and only scheduled presidential debate. And if it went anything like the last one, that's probably why you're still awake. [ Laughter ] That's right. Vice-President Kamala Harris faced off tonight with former President Trump in her first presidential debate, while Trump was still hoping Biden would show up. [ Laughter ] Ahead of tonight's debate, Vice-President Kamala Harris reportedly prepared by debating an adviser playing former President Trump wearing a boxy suit. So, thanks to David Byrne for his service to our country. [ Laughter ] [As Trump] You may find yourself... [ Laughter ] ...living in a shotgun shack, it's true. Where's my beautiful car? [ Laughter ] [Normal voice] According to ABC News, candidates were not allowed to interact with their staff during commercial breaks in tonight's presidential debate. Said Trump, "Oh, it's like 4 a.m. there anyway." [ Laughter ] In a new interview, former Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley defended her support of former President Trump and said, "We can either vote based on style or we can vote on substance." Alright, no one's voting for him on style. He looks like he's wearing two sky dancers from a used-car lot. [ Laughter ] Former first lady Melania Trump announced last week that she will release her first memoir. And there's something familiar about it. [ Laughter ] It'll come to me. The Taliban recently released a new 114-page manifesto of laws, including a ban on women's voices in public. "But there's some bad stuff in there, too," said JD Vance. [ Laughter ] In a new interview, film director Ron Howard, who directed the movie adaptation of Ohio Senator JD Vance's memoir "Hillbilly Elegy," said he does not support former President Trump, adding, "Also, could you describe me as 'Apollo 13' director instead?" [ Laughter ] Done, like, a lot of movies. Residents of several New Jersey towns have reportedly complained that they can smell a foul odor that is reminiscent of cat urine, as opposed to what it usually smells like -- human urine. [ Laughter ] What's that? The audience is asking for one more joke on this news story? [ Cheers and applause ] I'm done. I'm done. Okay. That's right. New Jersey residents are complaining that they can smell a foul odor that is reminiscent of cat urine, which sanitation officials assured them was just Staten Island marking its territory. [ Laughter ] Election day is now less than eight weeks away, which is also not for nothing about how long it takes to get your passport renewed. During last night's debate, Vice-President Kamala Harris' campaign held more than 1,300 watch parties across the country as opposed to the last debate where we all attended can't watch parties. [ Laughter ] Ahead of last night's debate, former President Trump won the coin toss, saving him the trouble of getting the Supreme Court involved. Last night's debate was hosted by ABC news and simulcast on Fox, CBS and NBC. Although, NBC, haven't we done enough? Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff and Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro attended a Pearl Jam concert over the weekend in Philadelphia. "Wow, that makes me feel old," said Pearl Jam. [ Laughter ] The FBI said in a new report this week that cryptocurrency fraud increased last year by 45% to 145%. A lawsuit was filed this week against the makers of Trojan Condoms that claims their products are not safe because they contain forever chemicals. Wow, so whether you use them or not, you're going to have something forever. [ Laughter ] And finally, "The Wall Street Journal" recently published an article titled "Dear Men, You're Eating Too Much Meat." They also published a rebuttal titled "Dear Women, I Said, I'll Be Out in a Minute." Tuesday night's debate between Vice-President Kamala Harris and former president Trump was watched by a reported 67 million people and then rewatched by at least one. "Get him, Kamala!" In a new interview, former independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said that Vice-President Kamala Harris won Tuesday night's debate in terms of her delivery, polish, organization, and preparation. But he did say that Trump had the best recipe ideas. OpenAI C.E.O. Sam Altman reportedly met with top officials today at the White House. God, imagine trying to explain A.I. to Biden. "Hey, I'll be honest, fella, I just learned the fax machine. Somebody puts a piece of paper in a different place. It comes out the same piece of paper. It's the same piece. It just looks like the same piece of paper. See, you slow down with your A.I., because right now, it's fax machines, the future." In a new interview, Ohio Senator JD Vance criticized Taylor Swift for endorsing Vice-President Kamala Harris and said she's a billionaire celebrity who is out of touch with most Americans. And, yeah, he knows what you're thinking, but he's not a billionaire. Ohio Senator JD Vance was in New York today, but only until he saw our massive, childless woman. [ Cheers and applause ] Ohio Governor Mike DeWine yesterday rejected former president Trump's claims that Haitian immigrants in Springfield are eating household pets, but he admitted that some sickos in Cincinnati were caught putting chili on spaghetti. According to the latest numbers, more than 337 -- excuse me -- 337,000 people visited vote.gov through the custom link shared by Taylor Swift in her endorsement of Vice-President Kamala Harris, which means Democrats are finally pulling in that coveted 12-to-16 demographic. According to a new survey, nearly 1 in 4 young adults said they do not plan on having kids, while the other three said, "You think I have time for a survey?!" The Institute for Human Anatomy released a new YouTube video titled "The Fracture You Don't Want -- Penile Fractures," raising the question, which fracture do I want? Campbell's Soup Company announced this week that it intends to drop the word "soup" from its official name. And you know what that means -- they're finally getting into weapons manufacturing. Oh, good. That's a good graphic. According to a new ranking, Hawaii is the happiest state in the country, also, not coincidentally, the farthest away from it. And, finally, Carnival Cruise Line confirmed last week that its ship, the Carnival Spirit, struck an iceberg off the coast of Alaska, but added that the vessel did not sustain any damage. The iceberg, however, now has Norovirus. That was the monologue, everybody. Here we go!