1 Hour of Funny Clips From the Jason Manford Era Volume.1 | 8 Out of 10 Cats | Banijay Comedy

what else have the nation we talking about is it the oil strike petrol is oil and petrol the same thing I don't know cuz you put Petrol in one place and oil and another in a car they're not the same they say we're running out of oil petrol is fine you think well are they the are they the same thing I don't know Sor so you think they might be we're running out of oil but there's loads of petrol left no but people say oil and they mean petrol calm sorry if people are watching this at home don't worry about the fuel crisis cuz we got loads of petrol D is it the same thing yes just to clear it up there is a fuel tankers strike and all the paper said Don't Panic which meant everybody's Panic can you stockpile petrol I don't know can you stockpile it bar fill your car up your chest actually fill the whole car up you're driving like you're underwater everything's going up food's going up uh everything's going up up children's shoes have increased in price and I really don't know why because I buy children's shoes all the time but they're the same price as adult shoes a brief history of shoes we all know that the start off that big then they grow to that big and then they get that big like for adult size and then if you leave them in a cave in Holland we all know that they grow bigger and bigger and eventually turn out as cars which is why the petrol is so expensive just to point out VI recently had the Benz in a diving accident let's have a look and see if petrol is one of the most talk about things of the week yes it is the most talked about thing this week yes of course everyone's talking about petrol prices soaring and the threat of a strike Panic buying at garages is exacerbating the problem the government want to reassure people supplies of ginsters and rers are unaffected naked couple emerg happily from the tent this is a word association question I'm looking for the top word or phrase the public said when we said camping David Williams the you are you C no no no no no no rain rain rain rain I'm going to give you that cuz it's uh the word most associated with camping is wet yeah make sure when you go camping you have a ground sheet and a hammer so you can dispose of the person who suggested going camping least desirable car passenger is it the pope because whatever the weather you got to keep the sunro open because of his hat and he's in like a perspect box as well so did you watch C last night forget it forget it right who would you hate to be stuck in a car with um a rapist um I reckon Steven Hawking be bad because you wouldn't know it was him talking or the sa naav to do with it's someone that's annoyed a lot of people that drive cars a bear Alis a darling correct 85% of women say cooking is the most important skill they look for in a partner I think you've missed out the word obese before [Laughter] [Music] women if you're watching this and you're obese put that down fatty absolute rubbish what do you look for in a partner I don't know many women that say oh he's really good at cooking maybe you were Mard him what do you look for in a fat face even fatter face you [Applause] know this statistic is a little bit weird because a lot of McDonald's staff are single at no point does a woman go oh you've got five stars let me take me knickers off you know I mean what you're on the fryer have a touch of these I didn't know that women look for skill continence is a skill is m teaching my three-year-old how to be continent continent isn't that in no continent yeah that's a word yeah here in the village Michael we call it potty training down here I mean up in the castle you might call it that but down here in the village call it potty training then let everyone know I mean normally they always go I like someone with a good sense of humor they and it' be good if you could to combine the two cooking and a good sense of humor the chef from the Muppets yeah okay so 85% of women say cooking is the most important skill they look for in a partner what are you going to go with uh it's FAL it's absolutely false are you saying true or false Chris mes what do you think true or false it's false false okay you're going false I can tell you the answer is I haven't answered yet I'm see Captain all right sometimes I take my role as a captain very seriously it's one of those occasions David what do you think I think it's false you think it's false Chris you think it's false I do I've got a weird sneaking suspicion it's true okay well I can tell you the answer is false only 13% of women say cooking is what they look for in a man when my girlfriend am me are in the kitchen things get pretty steamy we haven't got an extractor first so at the end of that round it's four points for Sean's team and four points for Jason's team and the winner is is the name of our final round here was your first one Britain's most ridiculous law is it Jude Law it's not Jude Law it's not sod's law it's not Murphy's Law is it sod's law no I love that Murphy's Law there's one for pregnant women isn't there that they are allowed to ask a policeman if they're in a public place that they can urinate in his helmet does he have to say yes or could he do he to say yes you have to you allowed to be in his helmet he does he doesn't have to he doesn't have to put it back on afterwards he does have to put it back on slowly going Harum I think that it is a law I hope someone else has heard of this that you can kill a Scotsman in Nottingham if he has a bow and arrow sorry when you said I hope someone else has heard of this have you killed a Scotsman in not it's a place where you can't die a place where you can't die yeah there is a place in England where I know this it's um you're not allowed to die in the is it the parliament answer a parliament the correct answer that's the true thing Britain's most ridiculous law is it's illegal to die in the houses of Parliament another strange law is pregnant women can urinate anywhere they want great news I think my Nana's pregnant did you know for example Britain consumes over 400 Polo mints every every second but Britain's mom still knows Britain's been smoking 5% of Britain's toddlers are obese and they're known as wadlers almost half of all men lie to their Partners about their looks to keep them happy I do I tell her I'm dead good-look I don't know what's the out with your eyes right let's get started what are you talking about that's the name of our first round we've teamed up with a leading polling organization and they've asked the British Nation what stories they've been discussing this week it's our panelist job to get the British Public's top five most popular talking points Jason your team what else have the uh Nation be talking about this week come on come on come on Jason have a guess speak for do you know what this is this is when double A haven't got their mates that's what this is what's happened there that the prison are fault oh have you not heard this controversial it is a bit controversial a little bit of news so the story is that they're going to release a lot of um prisoners now because they're full early early early going to rele early they're releasing 25,000 aren't they I assume not all at once it's like the start of the marathon it's all come steaming out of the prison all straight to a bus stop some of them dressed as rhinos hopefully just for the com they have said it's only going to be like for like Petty crimes like burglary and drug dealing which you know I think it's a good thing because the car boot sound they meet is boring at the moment what my biggest fear is going to prison being locked up with four Burly to Ted men your worst feir or most of your Video Collection thinking about it okay let's have a look and see whether prisons is up [Music] there yes this is the story that prisoners are to be released early because of overcrowding to stay in police sales it costs £1,800 per prisoner per night that seems like a lot of money but it includes dinner breakfast and tickets to a West End show one more thing to get fingers on buzzers what else have the nation be talking about this week the glenury festival which is happening this weekend yeah isn't that right have you been talking about it are you going to go David no I'm not because I've already had sex and a tent when I was in the sea Scouts right so I'm not going I think I am the only person here who went to the original glastenbury in 1823 and if you vote for it we can rebuild it when was that tell us it was in 1971 I was born in 1971 were your mother didn't go to a tent in oh no never mind I went there last year it's horrible they had big beef burger things on they ate cooking about, beefburgers on steel drums that's hamburgers there it's full of idiots I hate you Lov it it's very M big surrounded by idiots it was horrible I they'd have lifted you up as one of them how you R he's our leader let's see if glass is up [Music] there Wimbledon well they're all there hu is there federa uh Murray The Williams Brothers are there so they're all they're all pretty good Tim emman is doing the the commentary for the for the old be and it's going to be weird for him stay in the full two weeks you think halfway through the commentary he's not doing so well someone just goes come on [Music] Tim it's so boring tenis at the slightest thing the crowd go mental like it's the most hilarious shocking thing they' ever seen feder's opponent sat next to him did you see that bit the crowd reacted like he picked up a ball boy swing him around by the ankles and throwing him into the crowd why do they throw the sweaty it's horrible they throw their sweaty headbands into the it's we we're in here for about three hours sweaty like imagine if imagine if finessa at the end just got her knickers off and went go press obsessed with knickers aren't they if you just were going go I can see our knickers oh I see our looking nickers you'd be down as a pervert you get arrested the son can just go to the tennis go who look at that Nick she got red ones on whoa It's equivalent standing at the bottom of the stairs at work just going oh I've seen your Nick diers for some reason it's fine well let's see how many people are talking about wbl this week it's the most talked about thing in this week yes Wimbledon started this week Tim Henman is commentating this year which means the chances of him winning the competition are exactly the same as last year 22% of receptionists admit they've taken Revenge by tampering with their boss's coffee is that true or false I think the line is when you get your cup of coffee you go uh or you get your cup of coffee and you go what I would do for revenge is I'd get the mug right I wouldn't tamper with the coffee but I just little tap every day I just tap the handle with like a little toffee hammer or something and over the course of a couple of years it would loose and Loos and one day they'd pick it up and then I'd go yes okay true or false I think it's false I think it's less than that you think I think it's true I would okay we'll go with true I reckon true false I think it's false you're overruling okay you're going false I can tell you the answer is false yeah yes only 5% of receptionists have taken Revenge by tampering with their boss's coffee they say revenge is best served cold and revenge is sweet so really what they're saying is Revenge is ice cream Britain's favorite word knockers I wanted to get him before [Applause] franking I think it's gusset it's Saucy but it's not revolting is this what you put in the phone cards Saucy but not revolting Guss it g it it's derived from the Latin St that's Latin isn't it is it old Latin yeah old Latin yeah from the East End of L it describes a stupid or foolish person begins with an N nink poop right answer yes yes G's favorite word is nink and poop number three on the list is mom as in I your mom you n poop biggest waste of time would have to be de bubbling jumpers it's a waste of time because once a jump bobbled that's it it's always going to B so the most you're going to get you're going to get an hour without any bubbles on it you get all the bubbles off you think you've got a nice jumper again and it just starts to Bubble within I'd say less than hour probably pretty much starts straight away you can't see it you can't see it but it's happening all the time they're just bubbling up but that is the biggest waste of time just accept the fact once it's bubbled it's over correct answer yeah thank you is it um is it phing up to complain about something you've not seen or heard just cuz other people people are doing it oh [Applause] yes brushing of teeth before bed I know it's good I know there are some positives but I don't think it really there's something about breath in the morning it seems to be unavoidable and it's just hideous I mean my wife brushes her teeth like she gets like a toothpaste beard I mean she really goes it but in the morning it's just unbelievable I don't know and it doesn't help that everything begins with H as well hello how did you sleep I love the fact that you in the morning even and your wife hello hello how you sorry sorry sorry how do you start the day with your one we share get up no get up is it the uh the record of achievement file you had at school got burgundy folder every teacher went you'll need this forever never been to one interview where they've asked for it never In fairness yours was very good and that's how you got this job that's when you're leaving a message they kept to go through that um to listen to your message press one to re-record your message press two what is all this I mean it's like people leaving a message I'm not cutting an album It's do people actually listen to it again do people do that do they it's daring I'll be five minutes late do we need milk okay play it back play it back okay let's go one more time on that do you know other function up is drafts who drafts text messages who works on a text message throughout the week who who takes a country cottage going I'm working on this text at the moment I've been through several drafts I'm not it's not ready it's not ready safety announcements on planes utterly pointless isn't it if he going to crash adopt the brace position cuz when you're found dead it'll look like you're trying to blow yourself what do you want though you don't want to get in a plane and they just go let's go is it buying friends on DVD it's on telly more than the news is it all right you're close with friends is it waiting for friends that's the right answer [Applause] oh the biggest waste of time is waiting for friends friends are like buses you wait ages for one to show up and then they never do show up you have to walk home alone in the rain okay best thing about life in Britain is it is it the Moonlight glistening off a broken shopping trolley in a canal reflecting off a dead dog's eyes it's almost like a Beatles lyric You're Never more than 500 miles away from Steven fry I met him once he was like hang out with Google life in Britain is just brilliant I mean I don't know why but people just love it and you you sense this when people go on holiday uh we tend to book holidays for two weeks but then we all have this theory that well 10 days would have been enough you know we went for 2 weeks and we had a great time the hotel was great we had it was just fantastic but you know after 10 days you just want to get back to your [ __ ] life don't you that's usually because you found another British couple and they keep following you sort of make friends on the first two days and then you try and couple dump them for the rest of the time yeah we'll meet you by the restaurant will we thought okay is it the incredibly high standards set by the BBC I've been away yeah Jody what do you think what's the best thing about life in Britain I was about to say strictly yeah a how's John Sergeant still in it he can barely walk Rich you live here and you sometimes yeah yeah you live here what do you like about it no one says have a nice day to you it's not possible your dreams and your hopes and your optimism all these great things that you have and then you walk out of your house and a guy on a scaffold Peas on your head I'll give you a clue uh you can display them at the dinner table your balls you're Nazi serw table man uh table manners yeah good manners is the right answer I'll give you that yes the best thing about life in Britain is good manners and that was a survey of contemporary Britain conducted in 1873 Jason David Alex what have teenagers been talking about I imagine uh exam results are exams getting easier for these young people this is an issue en geography test now you're allowed to take in a satinav need to they need to modernize stuff that's a problem like look at math so I do maths it's always like Sally's got three apples in a basket and all that you know they need to make it so it speaks to kids you know what I mean so it's like uh jonno's got1 pound worth of credit left he needs to download 15 ringtones at 80P each but he needs to save 40p to one Bell's bit you know what I mean our MTH St at school was Scottish math and practice they never seemed very Scottish there was no if stab two gges taking a to bleed to death Jimmy can I say we've got a teenager with us tonight thank well I'm moisturizing no oh you just have you just done your exams I did and I and I failed tragically I think so have you just done them and now you're waiting for the results yeah I am it's sort of like being in sort of a horrible purgatorial State it's like Guantanamo Bay I imagine it really is you think if you fail you'll be like working in Asda just um I think I would be in Summerfield which is my favorite of the um chains actually well if you've been to little little is a bargain never been to little never actually even heard of little e European is it yeah nobody knows quite who runs it or where they get the stuff from CH so what do you think you're going to get um judging by last year I got a u in politics that means unmark unable literally unmark did you do it in crayon when I was at school all the boys used to go on uh snog and grope Julie Miller in the art closet and um you know they don't make teachers like Mrs Miller anymore they had strange qualifications in my day they this one called a csse which basically meant it's like having a sticker saying I've done some math I would say Jimmy British teenagers do do very well in pregnancy tests you you would know a lot about that David wouldn't you there is this oh you well let's see if teenagers have been talking about exam [Music] worries yes teenagers are talking about their exam results of course these days it's getting more and more easier to do a pass in English and Ting Sean peaches Chris what else have teenagers been talking about Sean peaches and Chris that sounds great like we're in a a teen band tell you what if you were in a teen band you were definitely the musically talented one Sean I was going to say big brother my favorites are Sam and Amanda the twins the second one that went in when you've never seen anything like me before apart from your identical twin who just went in would you though would I I don't like the idea of disappointing two women at the same time Carol Carol Carol works as a as a I think some sort of um gargoyle what I find what I do find is it's great when you get all those characters together isn't it you know it's just the house full of you know when people say like youve got to meet my mate he's a right character and they've just got load them in the house it's like there's this sort of national dyslexia where the word character has replaced the word and now they go me my m a right C eyes you know Tracy she entered the house looking like bag pus and gradually her hair is a normal color hairs come out it's gone a little bit white and a little bit crazy she every time she opens her mouth now I just wanted to go where we're going we don't need [Music] roads I think Charlie's amazing you can't beat these outfits South London they going to make a Charlie talking doll but there isn't enough string in the world to oh God it was more entertaining it was just women in the house and that one bloke cuz he was in hell wasn't it they were like the harpies and Jason the Argonauts those things that fly down and the man's there and he's blind and they've got food and [Music] [Applause] he Jason I think Alex has got a puncture well let's have a look at and see whether teenagers are talking about Big Brother yes they are yes it would appear teenagers are loving the Big Brother you know when they swear on Big Brother in the house and they play the sound of bird song I've got so used to that that when spring watch is on I think the badges are calling Bill OD a [Applause] [Music] we won the World Cup that's got to be yeah that's right the one thing that we remember was 1966 and the golden haired boy Bobby Moore lifting that cup I like the way that it's lifted alongside two world wars like it's sort of of equal importance but it's lucky we won it could you imagine that song like two world wars and a couple of semifinals England 1966 so I'm not old enough to to remember it um what was it like messing about the ball was heavier then though wasn't it it's light now the ball that moves around use skill to control it those the ball in 66 was like basically kicking a suitcase around it was it's really heavy you actually you probably need a wheelbarrow to get it over the line so the very fact they got it up the Germans end was quite an achievement do you rate our chances for 2010 in South Africa yeah I think you know it's a bit of a cliche but I think this is the best chance we've had but of course that means we won't progress from the group now that I've just said that we've got an easy group as well so Wayne R is our biggest hope he's he's the best English player and he's also the only man who can grow a beard that's red when it's head isn't I think that that is just in its own right that's should give him a medal he looks like he could grow it in about 4 minutes oh she goes offensive beard have we've been practicing penalties though that's the big you know what I mean that is I can't believe when they get to the fin I don't know anything about football but when they get you just watch the final and they go I don't think I spent enough time practicing penalties surely that happens in a footballer's life when they're off the PlayStation for half an hour they go we should try and kick it goal but you can't replicate it's the nerves isn't it you know Denise has performed in front of hundreds of thousands of people you can replicate it you can't repli you can replicate that's nonsense and I they say that you can't represent that intense pressure what you do is you say to an England player right you take a penalty if you we're going to shoot you we know the World Cup win 66 is going to be up there somewhere let's have a look and see where okay back over to Jason's team you got think us Bolt's got to be in there okay go on what's you what's your views on you he ran 100 meters in 9.69 seconds I can't even get off the couch in 9.6 N9 seconds I only saw half of it cuz I was making love to the wife he sort of slowed down at the end like said he slowed down cuz he knew he was going to win it and break the Olympic record but he slowed down and did all that business because he knew then the next year he'd be offered quite a lot of money to go to other Grand Prix events and then break the record there no of course not he just wants to be the best a legend he's already a phenomenal but he broke his own record that where's the fun in that that me take that me I think what you should do is go right I'm clearly the fastest human who's next gry ounds I'm going to beat you who's next hes come on bring it on let's have a look and see whether Usain bolon is one of the most memorable sporting moments five uh Jason and your team you're up first what have the nation been talking about this week is it um Paris Paris yeah Paris Hilton Paris was put in jail for drink driving then she was released after after 3 days and then she got put back in jail again when uh when the judge found out that she got out so she's not best pleased she's been on uner strike as well uh for 25 years U well she's taking that seriously yes she is she got out for psychological reasons didn't she yeah I let her out then they put her back I think she got out of prison she managed to do it because she was depressed yeah which is extraordinary cuz no one's elated there's nobody feels sorry for her they is that how you get out of prison if you're depressed yeah if you don't like it they go oh come on then with with the drink driving thing she claimed she didn't know she was banned from driving cuz someone else opens her post she too lazy to look at herself I got pulled up the speeding um and he thought I'd stolen the car because I had a northern acent and he asked me when I'd bought the car I told him I didn't know he asked me when I'd passed me test I told him I didn't know he asked me what the insurance cost I said I don't know and to my eternal shame I said I have somebody who does that for me you've changed Johnny I know have you got a PA Johnny she's more of a best friend that I pay to run me life she dresses me don't think of anything worse than being your P 2:00 in the morning I want a wagon wheel That's The Apprentice show I want to see come work for Johnny Vegas they all they all left on the first day every morning 4:00 she gets a call started another fire should we have a look and see whether the Paris hton is one of the most talked about things this week I have a feeling she might be yes indeed she's the most talked about thing this week this is the story that Paris Hilton has been sent to jail Paris is now on suicide watch and Bill Odie will be hosting fantastic um Sean Katy Vic what else have the nation been talking about this week is it the Formula 1 kid the super duper new Formula 1 British Formula 1 oh I heard about him yeah lisis Hamilton he's he's won a Grand Prix and he's he's he's very fast he's the new uh Michael schumacker people are saying he could be the new Tim Henman if there's an accident he never wins anything ever again it's only 22 it's amazing you watch Formula One don't you no not really okay I'm glad I asked I just I think it's weird people who watch fall one it's all right on the Telly but those people who spend loads of money to go to mono and watch it just to stand there hundreds hundreds of quids just he was good when I hear that one he was proper fast I don't understand it I don't know why you'd bother going well I quite like the fact that it's boring a lot of people complain about for but I think it's it's one of its major pluses is the fact it's really boring because nothing can spoil it you can drilling hoovering you can go up have a sleep come back yeah still in the lead then need to watch the end you just look at the podium yeah one perfect most boring sport let's a look and see whether Louis Hamilton are a British sporting hero is one of the most talked about things this week hey number six Yes Lewis Hamilton has won his first Grand Prix making him the youngest ever leader of the Formula 1 championship it's a dangerous sport Lewis stared death in the face before realizing it was Bernie eckleson handing him a trop Jason M Rufus what do you think of the best scientific breakthroughs I don't know what' you reckon you're clever what you reckon oh the glass is full that's it what' you reckon oh I'm probably thinking down the TV line appearing on TV yeah you've made the right decision I think it's a good way to go why not television I'm thinking TV I mean think I like the way you readjusted your glasses there like brains I'm going up against the bo got it look I've got glasses look at mine gone they got a bit of plaster on the end are lot older though aren't they yeah they are you behave yeah behave so you're going TV is the best ever television he invented a Telly and he's looking down now and seeing what ktie did next thinking was it worth it really can can anyone tell the difference between t TV and HD TV they advertise HDTV on the normal Telly and they go look how brilliant is you go well I've got a normal Telly so I can't see how brilliant is I can tell the difference between the TV and hdv but the 3D is getting me you know the advert in the cinema we went to see Toy Story 3 in 3D so we had the glasses on and they had an advert for like Sky HDTV in the cinema and they were showing all the sport stuff and so and and they threw the ball like the rugby ball they threw through the and it bounces out of shot and then it bounces unexpectedly back here a shot and I spilled Coke on myself that isn't a good thing to have TV that actually makes you go ha do you think the TV is an amazing technological breakthrough television is unquestionably amazing I like everything I know I learned from television do you know for example that during the second world war despite there having been a television service there was no television service that was shut down during the second world war that's an interesting fact I learned that from television you though cuz they could have they would have made some great programs during the second world war like East Enders would definitely been more interesting earrings everywhere East Enders the blitz years were how clean is your bunker what do you think of TV do you watch a lot on TV russle I come from a really workingclass House the TV dominated every moment no one ever spoke we Ed a TV on while we were eating and then we did buil the extension when we bought our own Council house my dad he bought a dining room at least once a day we will assemble as a family in the dining room and watch a slightly smaller Telly which he Ming on the wall my he's put a TV in the bath what's that suicide B the last place it should go over my bath you know those little trays you have over above I got a little hob I can cook cook stuff so that's nice I got floating salt and pepper I I like that dining in the bath that's a great idea it doesn't matter about crumbs you know you just brush yourself down I can get ketchup all over myself doesn't matter I think more important I think the more significant invention is the remote control because before the remote control people had bigger families so they always had someone to turn the television over the remote control also operates like The Conch in Lord of the Flies you know who the most powerful person is in any situation by knowing who has the remote control there's people watching this at home going yeah that's me my wife does this thing where she when she's tied is up she'll put the place where the remotes go is near the Telly that's what she does she doesn't your friend puts the remote on top of the Telly because she's an idiot yes there that's the last place it needs to be I don't mind that I have my on a bit of elastic what attached to television so I take it and I change the program over and I let go smack back on the Telly doesn't it break the screen yeah I don't really think stuff through Carol let's have a look and see if TV is one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs did you yes the television was invented in 1925 by John loie bear in 1982 Channel 4 started Broadcasting with an episode of countdown featuring a fresh-faced Carol vman then just 43 years old excuse me show your glasses again we reckon big brother and uh more specifically Alexandra she she's been threatening the arrest of the Big Brother inmates is that the word it's really funny can we just clarify because Alex might be watching this she's she's out of the house now I don't respect you did you see what she said as well she said I got gangster friends they can do what I say pow pow like how old is she eight they're going to get you pow pow pow that's the problem with girls is at school they never learn a good gun noise you see but like if that had been a bloke it' would give it the old you know what I mean I believe the phrase is BL BL BL yeah just saying no one [ __ ] with me right yeah you never be ready remember I told you what's that that's how I roll mother it's not how I roll I roll like that with the in the back if you were in a gang you'd be the treasurer I tell you what's winding me up though is e4's coverage of the of the live streaming and they let you watch them sleep they let them let you watch them eat but anytime anything interesting happens they cut to a break they start doing the little bird noises and all that stuff right and it's quite annoying there's been a few times where they're like yeah and now guess what guess who I've had sex with well I'll tell you a Tuesday [Applause] Sean Mike theopus off of Dragon's Den yeah what of the nation be talking about it's is it the visit this week of George Bush to London visited London goldon Brown very pleased to see him yeah thrilled we well imagine he is it makes him look better doesn't it same principle like Simon Cal got Pierce Morgan on Britain's Got Talent so if you think I'm a smug self-satisfied look at this blo I think is that war I I think it's just funny that you know when I'm Canadian and when our prime minister visits not a lot of hoopla like like when our Prime Minister Steven Harper and right there I could have said any name at all could I could have said zorak the Invincible and there'd still be people watching at home going yeah I hear he's Invincible yes zorak George Bush got 12 WIS of Castle and I thought that would be an episode of cribs I won't mind watching just Prince Philip walking around going to the bedroom and this is where the magic happens yeah do you think he was secretly a little bit disappointed that Windsor Castle wasn't bouncy you saying he's stupid that's what I was saying that's one of his greatest skills isn't it but it's there's this idea that he's convinced everyone he's stupid and he's not stupid he's just really anti- clever isn't he so he doesn't like clever things like reading books the right way up go through a couple of things he has said over the years yeah when asked to describe the White House he said it is white technically correct okay he said more and more of our Imports come from abroad correct okay I think we can agree the past is over that is fact after fact here we go he's a fact machine last one when asked by a reporter why AMA Bin Laden had not been caught he said he's hiding [Applause] yeah said that he he he saw the queen naked in a bedroom how did he manage that he was chasing a corgi that ran into the Queen's bedroom apparently the queen was stood there naked sort of freaky imagine busting in and seeing like four corgis and a naked queen that sounds like the the best hand he can have in a poker game for cargis in the naked Queen the eate for for seeing the queen naked what did you do did you bow do you salute I've seen her naked yeah on Photoshop amazing she look she's got an amazing tattoo it's a full Fox Hunt coming over her shoulders load of dogs across her tummy and a little fox nipping into for cover Rising prices of food food's gone way up anyone who has their five a day now is just showing off but interestingly there's one food that hasn't gone up tripe it's still a very reasonable 8 P A Ton you're a businessman right you may understand this kind of thing explain to me what's going on well basically Chancellor got a letter from the governor of the bank of England to tell him we're [ __ ] officially it took a letter from the governor of the bank of England you know the worst thing about the letter cost the chancellor 25 quid rymond and lenza isn't it the under the lingerie I I've had an idea for you crotchless Post-it notes see there's a demand do you yeah huge I'm a big fan of the old sexy underwear situation I've um we don't do your size there's loads of money saving tips people are put out like you know you those are different ways you can save money and I was thinking I've cut one like breakfast is you know I know it's wrong but steal bird's eggs for your breakfast they're ler but they actually quite tasty and I've started taking hormones in a few months I'll be lactating so that's milk in the morning just saving little saving and what I do is make a great big pot stew really big pot stew pigeons yeah you pig what pig what you say pigeons you can't just say pigeons you got to have something before it and after it Theo you can't just go pigeons is that a good idea F Square fala Square yeah get the pigeons get the pigeon eat the pigeons they've all gone who got rid of the pigeons have you gone men have literally G mental this is serious I know you've got money have you've been drinking all day your 66% of people would rather have a robot than a pet true or false I mean I've got two cats I've got two cats I don't like I don't like them I prefer dogs but what I like about dogs is every so often it just Winks at you just you know just gives you a little wink that's cu the contemp with life it sort they wink at you to go it's all right in it life and cats occasionally wink at you as well they sort of go if you don't give me food I will chew your face off so that's your mom's got loads of dogs hasn't she yes she does she's got about 20 and my dad she had this room built just has a chair a TV that's on the animal channel then chairs for my dad to go in there and hang out with the dogs literally you've got a dog house for your dad he says dogs don't talk back I have daughters I can understand that completely I sit on the [ __ ] for days the downside of having a robot is of course you're always dissatisfied with it because you always know there's a slightly improved model out there with a better voice that's always going to make as we constantly going oh I want the one that goes doesn't go yes now I love you sounds like me come here honey give me a kiss top thing to rescue if your house is on fire my mom always had this fear that our house was going to burn down it's cuz you got Aussie Osborne wandering around it so I still have this ladder so if there was ever a fire I could jump out my window and climb down you would think with the money your parents have got they put slides instead of ladders that' be a lot more fun wouldn't it for kids wo there's a fire again fire brilliant first thing I'd save the recycling cuz that's been so long sorting out bottles oh I'm not going to waste like two hours I'm not going to waste that that's coming with me you haven't got that long I know all right is no need to shout for you it's a fire don't worry Telly what would you rescue probably my pictures I'd rescue my photographs cuz if the police ever get hold of them I'm going to jail 25% of Brits say they can't be bothered to recycle even if it means the planet will die true or false they've not specified which planet I mean like it was Jupiter who gives a [ __ ] the thing I can't work out what to recycle is you know the meat nappy when you buy meat and it's got like a nappy underneath you know when you buy meat in the supermarket it comes in like a plastic thing and then underneath it they put this nappy there to soak up all the blood for some reason calling that nappy has made it disgusting I've never given that a moment's thought before in my life but I'm now becoming vegetarian nappy and Nappy for the meat yes you have your H out and I'm thinking what do I do obviously I suck does it go in with paper or do I cook it I that argue with the bin man there was a bit of Basel sticking out the top of the bin he said that's Garden waste I said it's not that's a garish it near it near going to blow what if you want to throw away a rake a broken rake or some or an old wheel barrow or maybe some pots where would you throw them Garden waste if I had them now I'd throw them at you I'm honest [Music] I think it's true true true true true true false shut up but we've decided we're going to say true we say true as well well no because you've got say false why false they say false we've said true well I can tell you the answer is true yes and the winner is is the name of our final round worst chat up line you don't sweat much for a fat girl I'd like to take you out for dinner but by the look of it you've already had dinner let's go is it 089 899 9111 do you get it cuz there's like those chat lines you know one of the most effective things to way to meet women and particularly sing single women if you're on your own is to stand outside a bar just have a look and see if there's any women throw some confetti of yourself and walk in crying like gets a lot of attention from women you're in luck I've decided to go ugly early you're in luck I've decided to go ugly early is perhaps the rudest thing you could ever say to another human being I didn't say it not to you it's not to you don't it's not to you no don't it's not no I won't just come here come here I don't like it no it's couldn't help myself sexual harassment in the workplace is it h get your cat love I've got a knife you pretty much there with that get your coat love you're pulled correct answer best person to have on your side in a fight I have reace I have reace cuz I B punch him first F Britain she fights like she talks dirty I want to knock somebody out completely by accident I'm quite soft really basically this bloke was kicking off with his girlfriend in the bar and I was having a nosy like you do right and just having a watch and see what it was about and stuff and then he caught my eye and was like what are you looking at I was like oh you two fighting like and um I shouldn't have said that and yeah it's rhetorical question though I realiz now and he come he come running at me um like really angry like a to it me and I just went and he knocked himself out on me fist I'd love you to run into my [Laughter] fist can't believe we've got Connie Huck on the show and I'm getting the sexual harassment man best person to have on your side in the fight used to be a footballer uh Vinnie correct yes the best person to have on your side during a fight is Vinnie Jones of course the worst thing about having Vinnie Jones on your side in a fight is that means you're in a guy Richie movie what else are people talking about Jason the all the unions are threatening to go on strike altogether so they they sort of sort of a return to the 1970s isn't it yeah I suppose so but the chancellor says he needs to find 83 billion pounds from somewhere and I thought well as he as he tried cutting out some of those coupons in the magazines soon add up you know post savings like 25% of trident stuff like that you know I mean chrisan you're you're a doctor and there's loads of cuts happening in the in the NHS do you think doctors or guy on strike uh no we've never been on strike ever we're on call 24 hours a day someone falls down in the street in front of you you've got to be there haven't you you're never laughing so what level at what level of drunkness yeah do you get to not be a doctor anymore and go do you know what I've had two glasses of wine do you know exactly what that limit is so when you get home you go bang bang write them out I've had to do that on a plane um 8 hour flight to Kenya I was pissed and someone had anaphylactic shock to a prw we out to put a tracky in his in his throat and I was you did it pissed good a doctor I'm a bit worried now I might that's incredible so but also was was there not a part of you the next time you had to do a track here that went do you know what I need I need a glass of something to steud my ha what he didn't tell you was he's got three of them in his eye as well what do you do in that situation you how did you put the tracker in what was it made of you literally you know the old rumor about a brro that's what you do he's a brro do it to Sean now literally and that's what it was like you just you you whack it properly you properly whack it in the yeah if you did that and then it turns out afterwards you're not a doctor you get in trouble just self diagnosed you've looked across at them thinking I reckon they need a tracheotomy no warning you just gone he would have died all right let's a look and see whether the general strike is one of the most talked about [Music] things yes the TU is threatening a general strike they're threatening a return to a 3-day week but that I'm not working another two days a week most popular topic of Gossip for men I know what it is I what I talk about my friends we talking is your mustache suitable for a christening I it's a little bit too curly and isn't isn't proper for such an important occasion I think sir should trim it if you were if you were gay who would you sleep with oh yeah that's good that's a good one if I was gay and I had to sleep with a man I'd just sleep with my first TI bride again Callin might as well keep it in the family boobs boobs yeah that's all men talk about like breasts boobs I didn't even noticed hang on look at those but the one I like is if you could only eat one meat for the rest of your life what would it be that's a good one isn't it yeah that is a good one yeah what would it be I'd go chicken you chicken You' just got the chicken beef cow you got everything in you all the meat got the liver and you can stew out the bones a chicken you get bored of that beef okay it's um it's it involves alcohol is it drunken Antics yes it is yes yes the most popular topic of Gossip for men is what their friends get up to when they're drunk there is a sliding scale of course there's drunken Antics High Spirits then Tom Foolery hor playay Shenanigans gbh and murder okay for you Jenny Jason and Lee is it this is it belly drumming obesity business the Obesity business go on tell us more tell me more stop people being obese the government fat oh oh fat yeah L that's way of putting it I'm going to join this initiative right because I put on a bit of weight over the last right no have a just I weighed myself this morning right for this right I guess just have a guess what I weigh just have a guess I know this is I want to remain friends I would rather not take part in this gu what you I reckon uh two to R cor Sean's been polite you meant Barker yeah I'm going to join the initiative and I'm going to set me Target as the 5th of April right and I'm going to get downar apparently my target weight is 13 and a half that's what I should be getting down to I'm going to go April 5th that's end of the tax year and then when that bloke comes on the Telly going time is running out time is running out I can pretend he's talking about my life it's a fine idea I can tell you this isn't one of the most talked about things this week but it has been in the news the government has launched a healthy eating campaign of course it's not PC to use the term fat we have to use words like bubble butt fatty boom batty chunky monkey wobble slobs or blubber nut if you're insulted by any of those terms how about a salad they should bring back bullying that's what they should do there's no F kids really only the on F kids weren't they there was one in every class the doctors should say I prescrib three School bullies and then as soon as you go out they just run after you go fatty fatty boom boom F yeah you'd soon lose it Sean K and Louis what else have the notion be talking about is it the uh the rchy vicer who was uh was banned from the clergy for 12 years for uh being drunk in services and uh and Swinging yeah she's a swinging vicer not only did she do swinging but she was also a Voyer cuz if she believes in she believed that God will be watching so that's a bit kinky come on God you love it yeah but I just saying all that praying in the daytime and swinging at The Night Time Imagine must made Havoc with her knees great she did the marriage wouldn't it and she says do you take him cuz I know I have oh she only got caught when she turned up wearing the wrong dog color lots of cluthes for all the keys in the collection plate I think that this is actually the woman that should be blamed for this or the blow is actually the career officer who told her to go into it in the first place cuz at some point they've sat down with her and said what you into and she's gone I really like motorbikes getting really pissed and shagging other people's husbands and at some point they've gone you thought being a vicer obviously they swinging situation people are just meeting for the first time I imagine or or you know they've organized it on the internet and then they've got together do you think there's a bit of pillow talk a little bit of like in the middle of it like what do you do for a living then I'm a vica yeah and not sure you are yeah it's better than hey love have a guess how much I weigh guess how much I but you can't guess can you shall we see whether this uh female vica uh misbehaving is one of the most talked about things this week Big Brother everybody in the country must have been on Big Brother by now there it's going to be like jury service that's how it's going to work you just come down and you'll find a letter and you'll be like oh great got to take two weeks of work to be bigy brother you know Lisa the lesbian lady is she a lesbian yeah the one with a moh yeah and the big she be sat there she was sat like this don't get me wrong you know that girls low you know what I mean I mean I'd I'd may be do them but I wouldn't do the ginger one but I'd do the rest I thought none of them going to have sex with you your dirty great Lesar what are you talking about you'd be lucky to have sex with the ginger one Charlie is uh he's he's he's one of these Fells who pretends to be gay to sleep with women it's quite annoying right and um but he he he says he slept with 103 women and he's gay I'm straight I've not even met 103 women James are you watching Big Brother I don't actually watch reality TV I think it's I think it's Crash I think when you when you see these people who who will just you know lower their standards to go on to try on on on the off chance on the off chance is he get it television was invented wasn't it to expand people's minds and now we're locking them up television was invented to expand people's minds have you seen your show that was it my real my genuine problem with big brother is I just don't think it's the right way to start the summer I want my summer to start like a cider advert you know light dappled through an orchard a girl riding a bicycle you know down a Country Lane Ducks landing on a pond I don't want my summer to start with chantella has gone to the DA room she's re pissed off because Kiara has done a dump in her makeup bag oh my God I missed it let's have a look and see whether big brother is one of the most talked about things this week right yes big brother is back I was watching it and I thought they've certainly gone for older housemates this year and there are loads of them and then I realized I'd switched on to the D-Day Celebrations by mistake all right two more things to get fingers on buzzers what else are the nation be talking about Jason is it golden brown he's had a bad week everyone's been ganging up on him well there's these Rebel MPS they've um although they couldn't even get 100 names to get rid of him I thought the I joined a group on Facebook that's got a million people to punch slow moving people in the back of the head [Music] you can you imagine that Gordon Brown status would just be like Gordon Brown has changed his status from prime minister to It's Complicated whatever you say about he's juring able he's tough I think everywhere he goes he should have Phil Collins with a full drum kit and before anyone says his name he goes Gordon Brown he's got a bit wimpy I think in the last week he's got a bit like oh I want to be a better prime minister I know my weaknesses I don't want he's the leader of the country I like to see him walk over to David Cameron with a pool ball in a sock could just Whack Him on the head I'm the leader shut up that's what I one let's have a look and see whether Brown's tough week is one of the most talked about things I think these days for some reason it's it's ghosts well I don't know if people are scared of it they like they like thinking about it and making crap television about it but are people still scared of dead specters and stuff I'm just scared of Derek aora you imagine that like dead for like hundreds of years and then the first point of contact with you know alive people there a camera and then it's him going all right there in there and all that do you know talking about most haunted Derek aora yeah I think that show has been going on for five six seven years I don't think they've ever seen a ghost no they're changing their name to least haunted that show should be called location location location cuz they can never find one can they I do I do enjoy those shows because I believe in ghosts I believe in ghosts most people believe in ghosts how many of you believe in ghosts come on if you believe in ghosts go um there's no I mean I tell you what proves there's no ghosts Scooby-Doo I watched 5,000 episodes every single episode started with rumor of Supernatural activity every week no ghosts there was a man a janitor or a fellow used to work in a disused m shaft there's no way you can debunk Albert Einstein who proved with the famous equation eals mc² that everything is made from energy energy cannot be destroyed energy lives forever therefore one must ask what happens to your energy when you die what energy though to ground this is energy this table is energy this is not solid that's cuz it's plugged in it's got light but then a car is energy and when a car gets squished up and as the spirit of the cast absolutely that's the whole thing about Einstein saying How the Universe was created how it couldn't have been cre goes every you got the amount of can't disappear no this is like a stoned conversation in a student all the residen so like what like the table's alive and like when you die you're still not dead man out there but nobody can see you why isn't this on the news man this shit's [ __ ] serious I did a seance when I was a student um one night you know you think oh this would be a good idea get a Ouija board out and we got the glass and it goes right oh we've contacted a spirit and it all starts shaking and then he went right what is your name and it went l h g l l h and I said oh this is not working and my mate genuinely went what if it's Welsh I went on a Ouija board once first time I ever went on Ouija board I've never done it since but I spun it around and it's about the phrase you have no new messages okay let's have a look and see if it's up there game it's actually easy to tell if your house is haunted it isn't okay what do you think people are scared of probably terrorism you think terrorism okay I think that's number one yeah terrorism they don't exist it's a figment of people's imagination what does he believe in no ghost no terrorism what do you believe in Whiskey Whiskey in the high seas and treasure Jason Tim Jack what else do you think people worry about what are they scared of getting old I reckon it's that is it tell me I pulled out a gray pubic hair about I know it hurt yeah gray one and I thought how how are my balls getting older than me Ed they have been wrinkly since you were 12 how do you know I went to a 60th um wedding anniversary it was my wife's grandparents and I did say to the Grand I said what's the what's the secret thinking it have a really romantic answer so what's the secret of being married for 60 years he went the OD part is staying alive that thing I looked into it and so it's Diamond that's when it stops being good so it's diamond and then 80 does anyone know what 80 years married is like copper no it's worse Oak Oak and 90 is granite basically they're trying to get old people to buy themselves coffins and headstones that's what they're trying to do hly are you scared of Growing Old a little bit Yeah although you get more seats on buses and stuff like that there are massive advantages to it yeah I was on a bus and this really old woman got on she's really decrepit as she she went up to this guy sitting down and said how old are you and this guy was like 37 she said I'm 84 get up I like she just invented human top trumps know people are very respectful of old people like getting up on the on the bus and like nobody swears in front of old people do they and I love that idea that old people don't swear as well like if you think about your nana living through the second world war at some some point in the blitz she would stood at her window going all I'm scared of is not aging myself but an aging population the population is getting older and older and older we have we have more advances in medical science so people live longer be a greater drain on all our resources and I think we should introduce euthanasia but in a subtle subtle form so for example if you make the font on road signs very small so the old have more crashes things like that so we could just slowly get rid of them without actually rounding them up in stadiums and shooting them okay let's have a look and see if it's up there back in the game back in the game yes throwing old is the scariest thing I'm looking forward to getting old because I've always wanted to be systematically maltreated in a large detached house on the outskirts of Hastings okay fingers on buzzers what else are people scared of go ahead is it um insects like creepy crawly type things yeah I actually find spiders quite horny I don't analyze it I just go four four look at the legs on that there's loads of them since you brought up legs I I did the first celebrity first celebrity celebrity get me out of here and I was the first one to eat um some bugs and I I couldn't chew it it was so tough so I swallowed it and when I was walking on the bridge back to the camp it started crawling up my esophagus it was living inside me and it came up to my mouth and I had to spit it out that was probably its ghost this is a true story don't they say like in your life you eat something like 40 spiders in your sleep or something they they say that but who yeah who's they mainly aie spiders women don't like spiders do they particularly women don't like spiders and you know why that is it's cuz they got more crevices women have got more crevices than men for the spiders to crawl into I like that a diagram I've only got one crevice and if a spider wants to go up there I'll take mying hat off to him but these flu whenever the government says oh this is what's happening and you're going to die from this it's actually not what you're going to die from it's the stuff they don't tell you about which is going to kill you yeah pies and vodka yeah exactly Holly would you are you are you worried about global pandemics I am a bit but I kind of feel like we're a bit worried about germs in general when I was a kid if you drop something on the floor you just pick it up and blow on it and then you'd eat it that was fine three second Ru yeah 3 second Ru but 3C rule like who everybody knows the 3C rule but who came up with that like did we have some sort of agreement with actual doctor came up with that 3 second rule Jimmy this is in my pocket this is in your pocket 24 hours a day are you going to bend it no no no I sleep I sleep with it you sleep with every time I shake every time I shake hands I go disgusting like that every time I go to the L I go like that I go out mck appar you're supposed to wash your hands and the length of the time it takes you to say happy birthday to yourself no okay happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday dear sh and then happy birthday to me always takes me ages cuz I'm always crying it takes me ages as well cuz I do the Stevie Wonder one happy birthday to me happy birthday to me