Jason Manford - FULL Comedy Roadshow Appearance | Jokes On Us

[Music] thank you nice one good he nice one thank you how are you Michael mcy everyone how good the what a legend the Apollo look at this is anyone else thinking they've scrubbed it up quite nice haven't they it's nice now it's on the Telly when we usually e it's all right [ __ ] all is it but look at it well ni good work Hardwick I mean a lot of these cameras are not going to make it back to London you know that so good so my wife's pregnant at the moment we were expecting twins in the summer and uh we're all very excited yeah and uh she was getting very Broody it work like five women in the space of a month got pregnant she was like oh it must be something in the water I'm like well unless it's sperm don't matter does it there's no there's no actual correlation there is it it's just coincidence really no it's she's she's very Broody all the time my wife and and we we were we were trying for kids for ages and we were we were trying and after a while you do think if maybe this went wrong you know you get to that point and we went to the doctors and I hope nobody ever has to go through this situation it's an embarrassing situation it's awful right it's it's a little bit demeaning sometimes and we went in and luckily nothing was wrong with all happened fine but we went in and we met this doctor Dr Baron as well that's not who you want to meet when you're talking like is there anyone else available Dr low sperm counter some what's going on here anyway she dealt with it fine right she asked me wife a load of questions then she turned to me right she says to me right Mr Manford how many times on average a week do you masturbate um oh God a week a week um where I left me Diary at home like like you keep a tally of it you know what I mean she's like come on how many times my wife is proper laughing as well sweat is pouring down but I said I don't really you know I'm too uh busy too busy she says no come on we're all adults how many times a week I said uh just you know the average amount really whatever the national average is that's me bang on in the middle there whatever the neighbors are doing that's me keeping up with the Joneses that's me she said well what's the average I said well I don't know you're the expert I I know what's going on here in the end I just had to guess right I thought right I'm just going to have to go for it so I just went five that's above the average right I don't the average is 2.5 I don't know who's having half a one I don't who's that look on a Friday I think we'll leave it there folks and uh pick that up first thing Monday morning I'm looking forward to being a dad I'm looking forward to it cuz my dads are amazing they can do stuff that nobody's ever taught them you know like changing a changing a plug with a butter knife that's never something that that's it no DIY manual that is it give it a I'll sort that out the kitchen sa worry about it there we are is that is that live that live that [ __ ] up and parents are important they teach you of course they teach you everything I mean dads are less important I think um in the sense that most of the stuff they do is just made up you know what I mean they've made it home there they're Liars aren't they dads are liars nothing serious like the classic in our house and and you might have had this it's a classic all over this country might be this poor is when the ice cream van comes around when he plays his music that means he's got no ice creams left don't it right and that in our house was a fact okay I mean to the point where you'd seen a light of kids outside you go Dad them stupid kids out there de for Sumit what's going on there going on a truth like me and you anyway I'm off to college right you know those lives those lives would stay with you forever wouldn't they my dad told us that black puddings lived at the bottom of the garden right that they were little animals and every morning he go down he catch a few in a net take the legs off poke the eyes out put in a pan have them for his breakfast now that's quite cute at home makes you sound like a right knob at school though it does no wonder who got bullied what are you doing this weekend Jay going black p on to him and my dad but the worst one me dad did I remember I was always a little bit in trouble my brother was in trouble we'd always fight and my dad he was working night so one of the rules was you just got to be quiet all the way through the day really quiet and he'd be fast asleep upstairs and me and me Brothers even when we're proper fighting he'd still be on mute it was amazing and my brother would wind me up he come running in from playing football all hot and sweaty he go to the fridge he start drinking milk straight out four P I can see bits of sweat going off his lip onto the milk I saw on my ready bre in it I don't need that so what I do is an 8-y old as I I just I eyed behind the fridge and I jump out squeeze it in his face dead eyes that's quite humorous now and we're abits right when you ate that is the funniest thing you will ever see until it starts seeping out of his ears and his nose and then you've come to a new level and he' be like d i' be like shut your mouth Mak power will kill you Chopper made it worse obviously you know and then I did that worst sound of my childhood me Dad's foot itting the floor upstairs I didn't swear I was only eight like ah Cy [Music] right all Theo you know and then you start coming down the stairs [Music] like and he make it into to the kitchen you go right what's going on here then even though dads they already know my dad is like some out at CSI Manchester something like that you know spilled milk milk coming out of his ears all right I've worked it out he's like Columbo he's worked it out in the first 5 minutes but like Columbo likes to drag it out over an hour what's going on and he throw his extra finger in my dad he go right stick your tongues out what I don't know if anyone did stick your tongues out why cuz it's well known Liar's tongue turns bright green straight after the LIE oh does it I didn't know that so my brother not been lying tongue straight out nice and pink me who had been lying think I'm not falling for this I'm going to keep my green tongue in my mouth I think I've won this one that's a couple of dads going I'm having that one I got home that's going in and it honestly it works a tree and then he drag us up we didn't have a phone at home so he'd drag us up to the phone box right to darish hello is that Chief Inspector Williams great in Manchester police you got a prison momm a I don't care if you're old enough to push milk in your brother's face you're old enough to go to prison all right she's not phas of heard since but he swore by it yeah he's been bad again all right yeah then the phone will come to me hello [Music] I it's Chief Inspector Williams here great man the police and if you're bad again I will come around with the van and the dogs take to strange Way's prison for 15 years don't do that I only at I wouldn't last in prison and he would even would you what are you in for mate push your milk in my brother's face T first day and that used to happen every week for about six years to me and both my brothers and I never realized but we stopped ringing Chief Inspector Williams shortly after my Grandad died just just never put two and two together all those years thinking about now he didn't even change his voice it was just him he wasn't even acting I just believed it so much the weird thing was minana she had the exact same voice as the woman who own the orphanage I never got to the bottom of that but the Grandad one only worked it out as well I've got another little brother now he's 8 years old Nile and me dad he rang me up out the blue was in Tesco a summer I went a he went a at Chief Inspector Williams great Manchester please I will not be part of your lie old man it ends right here thanks very much Manchester Apollo good God bless byebye che che byebye