Browse Transcripts

Category: Comedy

I remember we had this old woman once she came in friday afternoon 5:55 hello i need to buy a birthday card for my grandson if you're not out the shop in 5 minutes love the only card he's going to be requiring is a condolence card make it qui cuz that's the thing isn't it there are some things right... Read more

Category: Comedy

That's a bit of fun you can have right if with nervous flyers i shouldn't say this because i am myself a nervous flyer but this is definitely something you can do a little prank if you will go to a fancy dress high costume shop rent yourself a pilot's outfit get a really good one the capat the jacket... Read more

Category: Comedy

[applause] so i haven't yet mentioned where my father lies in all of this uh which is really to not give a flying f about any of it cuz uh my dad right he's uh he's from an older generation of fathers he's quite old-fashioned uh old-fashioned racist because he's an older dad you know like oh we got... Read more

Category: Comedy

[music] [music] [music] w [applause] hello and welcome to the big fat quiz of everything yes you heard right this is the big fat quiz of everything a special edition of the big fat quiz in which we ask questions about absolutely everything that's ever happened right up to now tonight there'll be questions... Read more

Category: Comedy

Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage mr jack [applause] [music] whitall yes good evening london wow o to arena saturday night people this is what it's all about netflix special in london at the oour arena and i see they got my request to put all the youngest sexiest people in the front row... Read more

Category: Comedy

We also get couple envy in our relationship i don't know whe anyone else suffers from that we had it recently right we were in a restaurant someone really suffers from it i go away i we were in a restaurant in greece right and there was this old couple in the restaurant at one of the tables like properly... Read more

Category: Comedy

Tim wall's maga older brother jeff walls suggested in a recent facebook post that he didn't consider tim fif for office writing the stories i could tell not the type of character you want making decisions about your future when a newsnation reporter reached out this was the story that jeff told my little... Read more

Category: Comedy

Speaking of awful surprises we have some more ghosts from joan dudan vance's horrible and quite recent past joan dudan you know again you're missing some that was good that was good joan duddi and i i i swear if you don't laugh at these i'll stop doing them and we got a long list of these and yeah... Read more

Category: Comedy

Ahead of the debate the new york times in sienna college released a new poll that found harris and trump to be neck and neck as they enter the home stretch i believe 48 trump 47 comma 28% of likely voters said they need to know more about harris while only 9% said they need to know more about trump... Read more

Category: Comedy

More than 400,000 people clicked over to the voter registration link swift provided in the 24 hours after that post went live taylor swift is like a nuclear arsenal i don't think something this powerful should exist but since it does i'm glad she's on our side hello everybody wow welcome to love it... Read more

Category: Comedy

I have some tour dates to tell you about i'll be in las vegas nevada over labor day weekend if you're going to be there then i will too i'll be in bend oregon spokane washington portland oregon vancouver in the canada oklahoma city north little rock springfield missouri kansas city uh missouri soue... Read more

Category: Comedy

Got the got the spray on tan the the waxed eyebrows the the pec implants hallogen teeth the bleached anus the scrotal tuck nipple enlargement taint augmentation but i got to admit i envy you you've got boatloads of money three tv shows and still even with all the work you've had done you can walk down... Read more

Category: Film & Animation

Come here you drooled on me hang on medical emergency oh okay i gotta go nicole kidman tried to blink and tore her forehead open again out of my way i am a doctor i'm a doctor out of my way all right [ __ ] off thank you this has been fun i have to set the record straight so uh for the record i do have... Read more

Category: Comedy

[music] comedy a crowded stage want to be a comedian join the club everyone thinks they're funny but making people love for a living that's a whole other ball game it's a tough business tons of competition only a lucky few make it big so how do you stand out how do you go from open mics to soldout shows... Read more

Category: Comedy

Let's get into it what a week on tuesday vice president kamla harris kicked off a reproductive rights bus tour which will make stops across the country to win over voters in swing states if the bus ever slows below 50 mes per hour a national abortion ban immediately goes into effect what are you gonna... Read more

Category: Comedy

Lived in new york and i remember that they stopped do you remember this they stopped all flights in boston and new york they stopped all rides to the airport uh in private cars you could only take a taxi yeah because what better way of stemming the flow of muslims than only allowing taxis to drive to... Read more

Category: Comedy

I'm actually haitian and i came here to call all of you out stop spreading these vicious rumors about white people no i'm kidding i'm not haitian but i'm not too far off so i'm actually dominican because of the number of t fs here i'm assuming there's a lot of high school dropouts here so i'm going... Read more

Category: Comedy

Leute wir sind wieder da hier rebelledy da vor ist h hier servus mein liebe servus mein bester fängt direkt schon bescheuert wie geht euch leute wie geht euch uns zuschau was interessiert mich was ihr macht die zuschauer wie geht euch wie geht euch die alternative alterche dich ents dich du bist hier... Read more

Category: People & Blogs

I love telling that story cuz i can always tell who grew up in church based on who starts laughing at you know i have too you're like oh i read the bible i know they're about to cut a baby in half i don't think the dating app thing is for me by the way i don't think i can i can do it is anyone in here... Read more

Category: People & Blogs

[applause] dc how we doing how stupid was that i came up from the floor like i'm a [ __ ] jonas brother i know that was silly and it was my idea i was so embarrassed that i thought of that but it was too late when we got here to change it because men with jobs had built it and we're operating it very... Read more