Settle Down Outtakes Part 3 | Jack Whitehall

we also get couple Envy in our relationship I don't know whe anyone else suffers from that we had it recently right we were in a restaurant someone really suffers from it I go away I we were in a restaurant in Greece right and there was this old couple in the restaurant at one of the tables like properly old ancient both in sketches the they weren't moving quickly but their Archers look very well supported I I'm going to keep going with these sketches jokes by the way my aim by the end of this tour is I want to become the first celebrity ever that is paid by a brand stop wearing their produce so anyway what happens is this old couple they're sat at a table in the restaurant right and they hear this old timey song come onto the radio and then impromptu they just get up out of their seats and they start having a little slow dance with each other in the middle of the restaurant I know my girlfriend's heart just melted she was like oh my God that's the most adorable thing I've ever seen they're probably childhood sweethearts like we don't know that could be a one stand for all we know yeah that's got Tinder pump and dump written all over it she's like no that'll be us in 50 years time I dread toing think what the version of that is in 50 years Nostalgia for the cultural Tundra that we find ourselves living through us in a restaurant in Greece in 50 years craning our ear to the speaker system darling I think it's our song cardi B WAP just getting up and luring ourselves into a [ __ ] drop that we never get up from my girlfriend she loves that show where they follow the dating lives of people with learning difficulties love Island love Island it's true come on I've seen men on that show that is so dumb they make Jamie reden out look like Professor Steven Hawking don't worry I'm allowed to do that joke I asked Jam me for permission to do that one I'm not a monster thought do you mind if I do this gag in the Netflix special he was like yeah of course mate stepen Ain what a skateboarder I also of course blame my social inadequacies on my upbringing as many of you know I was sent to a boarding school age 10 because my parents were financially well off but emotionally bankrupt ridiculous place to raise a child you basically spend a fortune to give your kid an empathy bypass daddy issues but fluent in Latin and I oh obviously check my privilege I know going to a school like that is like a ridiculously unfair leg up in life if you needed any more proof that the Arts are far too polluted with tough actors look no further than my school bloody everyone went there all right Emma Watson went there Robert Patterson went there yes it was Hogwart thank you I Tom Hiddleston went there as well and what this means is that whenever they write about this school in newspapers and magazines and articles and the like they always get name checked and I am nowhere near it it's like I am the school's Dirty Little Secret just swept underneath the rug never want to talk about me no cuz they're all like oh we had hmani and Loki and Batman great do any of them get 30% off sketches cuz they're friends with Jamie red naap no yes I bought these Rascal shoes just to do that joke do I regret it do I best $5.99 I've ever spent do you know how depressing it is that the first Applause break of the evening was for a pair of Sketchers they're so offensive on the big screen as well what the how is there so much heal I'm actually 5 foot in real life that just adds an extra foot they're basically stilts I please get them off the big screen it's worse than my ass crack I okay but the only fight I have ever won on a technicality I was at a music festival and I saw one of my friends in the Moshpit and I greeted him by walking up behind and giving him a hearty slap on the ass and I made good contact as well you know when you make good contact with an ass slap and you can feel a couple of their vertebra dislodge turned around very much a stranger that escalated to the point where he had me up by the Scruff of the neck and just as he was about to punch me in my face I drunkenly whispered in his ear my safe words Des Pito honestly try it don't throw punches people throw shapes next time you get into an altercation on a Saturday night some guy squares up to you and it looks like it's about to get violent don't meet him on his level just lock the guy dead in the eye and give it of [Applause] [Music] this come back and fight me like a man you will win nine out of 10 fights admittedly on the 10th one you will either end up in hospital or getting your sucked but I'll take those odds I love my mom to bit she's going to be an amazing grandmother but oh my God she's got matter recently the hills White Hall fans are in the Hills Army now my mom's my mom's hit this age right and I don't know whe anyone else's mom has hit this age where every single phone conversation that I have with her now is just my mom telling me about the ill Fortune of a string of random people that were once very tenuously connected to our family never talk about anything else she just Rings me up out of the blue do you remember Roger Roger your father's old quantity surveyor not really mommy no why dead heart attack 54 well great my heart goes out to anyone who does remember who the Roger was and Mrs War boys remember lovely Mrs War boys the big sea got her what cancer no she was walking out of a Costa they hadn't properly attached the sign it's the dumbest joke of the evening so roxxy's called Roxy cuz she said said oh yeah my dad named me after his favorite song so we could go that route I was like we're not calling our kid Mambo Number Five that is the problem is though even if you paid through the nose for the top of the range one you're still staying in a tent I was in a tent yeah I didn't sleep for a week just lying there wide awake and all I could think was the only thing protecting me from a predator was a zip I mean to be honest it was a little bit like being back on those camping troops of Mr Chambers but that's another story entirely you've been very generous this evening with your laughter you've also been judicious and I appreciate that that's been the weirdest thing about doing this show is reima tizing to performing it in Britain having started my tour in America where every single audience's base level is demented enthusiasm it's overwhelming I honestly couldn't handle it I didn't know where I stood I couldn't trust a room full of zealous passionate American flues I began to genuinely miss this a proper frigid British audience I had to [ __ ] earn your after this evening even that pregnancy announcement earlier on this evening that was an amazing moment cuz you say you're having a baby in America oh my God they're whooping and hollering they're up on their feet couple of people at the back of the auditorium getting pregnant themselves they're so excited I told you that I was having a baby earlier on this evening and yes there was smattering of Applause but there was also hundreds of Bloks dotted around the room looking back at me arms crossed teeth gritted going you know who else had a baby Jack in everyone [Music]