Chick Comedy's College Special Feat: Taylor Tomlinson, Esther Ku & More | Chick Comedy

Traci Stumf - My Own College I didn't go to college yeah yeah thank you you know I'm okay with the fact that I didn't go to college it's the entire world that is not okay with the fact that I did not go to college and when you don't go to college you notice stuff about life you know like what I've noticed is that I'm in the exact same spot as all my friends who did go to college the only difference is I'm not in 100 Grand worth of debt I don't have a useless degree in gender studies and I don't have an STD so you know I was thinking like I want my own College because that would be the next logical step in my career path but in my college we're not going to do any reading or writing because that's just stupid and I don't know how my college is going to be like a crash course in life lessons you know the real stuff you need to know like uh talking your way out of a DUI identifying a rofy lesbian encounters the real stuff so um I'm a nanny [Music] yay jokes on me should have went to college here's a fun fact for you guys uh nanny is the easiest profession to fake a resume for I lied about everything on my resume all right I don't know CPR and I definitely don't know there's like six different languages I'm teaching them every day I know how to get drunk now the kids do too so I'm nanny for a family in Brentwood yay the dad is a dless director at best and the mom is a pill popping [ __ ] and all these like yepy parents have this unreal expectation of the amount of interaction you should have with their kids when they're not around you know it's like the mom will come home from a really hard day of yoga lotes and she'll be like oh my God my baby looks so calm she looks so Serene what did you guys do what did you learn what did you explore it's like I don't know benad dril oh what is up I'm having a big Taylor Tomlinson - Community College semester you guys I just got out of Community College thank you thank you yep dropped out out was good feels right you know I don't want to knock Community College cuz like Community College is great if you want to save money or never amount to anything but uh and it is no it is it's a great affordable option but like so is the Dollar Tree I didn't even feel like I was going to a real college you guys I felt like I was going to a high school for sad adults it's dirty there's trash everywhere every other person looks like they might be homeless just crazy guys popping out of bushes like classes are free here might as well be Pete like I don't they have signs up all over the place that say smoking free campus which was adorable you know cuz none of us could read I don't know why they call it Community College there's no sense of community uh what we had was more of a shared acceptance of our mutual mediocrity that's what we'd settled on cuz you can tell the kids who haven't accepted it yet they're running around all bridey bushy tailed brand new Jan Sport [Music] on they're like I'm going to be done with my General Ed in 2 years no you're not sweetheart you're in an 8 a.m. Community College course you didn't get here by being right about stuff it's intimidating too like I'm trying to transfer to a four-year it's scary you get there everyone's intelligent and athletic and beautiful you go to Community College there are no expect expectations for you you show up they're like did you shower today Dean's Julia Lillis - Still Feels Like College List I just turned 26 too I just turned 26 I find myself like a weird age right now you know cuz I still feel like a kid but I'm not I'm like an adult you know it's weird it's like I still feel like I can relate to like the college scene you know like I could go back to like a frat party you know maybe do Peg stand right maybe get gang banged whatever you know whatever those kids are doing I don't know lately though I I'm finding myself doing weird adultish she stuff you know the other day I um I caught myself drinking cranberry juice without vodka right what is that about my friends are leaping into adulthood though tell you what they're just like they're all like getting married buying houses here's a big one they're um having babies on purpose right wouldn't that become cool I don't know God like a year ago if any of my friends told me they were pregnant it would be like oh shoot right now it's like uh high five poke I don't know Jeni Bartiromo - College Special Experiences congrats my name is Jenny I'm not a Jew I was raised Catholic so I'm a [Music] [ __ ] I loved going to Sunday school it was a really small class it was me and nine other boys that made me the hot chick by default so I just got back from a trip to Italy with my mother and her two sisters it was beautiful I was in the most romantic country in the world with three menopausa ladies it's okay it was fine because of the hot flashes we stop for gelato everywhere it's delicious before that I hadn't been out of the country since I'd been to Mexico I was at a party and this guy walks in and it was like love at first sight and 4 days later he invited me on a trip to Mexico with him and then two days later we're on the plane so we get to our hotel and and uh we get to our hotel and I'm I'm standing on the balcony and overlooking the beautiful aapco Bay and I thought this is either going to be the most romantic week of my life or this guy's going to murder me he didn't murder me in case you can't tell I'd always traveled though when I was a a teenager I was a French exchange student I I I wanted to go to France so bad I had three goals I wanted to see the Eiffel Tower see all the museums make out with a french guy at least one french guy so um I was staying with this a French teenage girl and I thought she was going to teach me Exotic things about France like wine and film but instead claudet drank Budweiser and her favorite movie was Weekend at Bernie's too I didn't even make out with a french guy he was polish guys weren't into me when I was growing up I was a tomboy I wore flannel shirts no makeup so when I went off to college I thought I'm going to be hot now and I went out and I got skirts and heels and the first time my parents came to to visit me at College I figured I'll try out one of my hot new outfits on them I wanted my parents to think I was sexy too doesn't everyone want their parents to think they're sexy just me so um I was in the lobby of the hotel they were staying at waiting for them to come downstairs in my outfit and uh I hear a man's voice behind me and he says are you working I thought oh my god the guy behind me thinks I'm a hooker that's awesome I never wore a flannel shirt again but when I turned around it was my dad yeah I don't know what he was thinking he can't spend his money on hookers he saving for retirement I can't invite my grandmother to my shows obviously cuz she's dead I just joined AARP I like to plan ahead uh uh so I I've been getting a lot more mature lately lately and I can tell because last Halloween I went out dressed up as a zombie instead of what had been my usual costume of a skank but I'm secure with myself now I don't need Halloween as an excuse to get all skanky and get attention from guys but I still justess like a skank on first dates also at bars and clubs and Trader Joe's the DMV my dentist office and funerals but not on Halloween though that would be tacky um I was driving over here on the 405 and the license plane in front of me said OBGYN that's gross I would much rather see those bumper stickers that say I look at vaginas for money that's much [Music] classier so I uh I know you can't tell by looking at me but I like to drink alcohol if I'm at a club and there's just a little bit of booze left in the glass I'll pound it my mother taught me never to waste when I'm trunk I hear her nagging voice in the back of my head Jenny there are sober people in [Applause] China my mom hates that joke when I was in college that you know that hooker year um I I'd come home to visit my family and and I was bragging on the phone about my with my friends about how I like to drink at school and I'm always wasted and and I didn't know this but my mom was standing right behind me and she overheard the whole thing when I got off the phone she was like Jenny you are not going to college just so you can get drunk all the time I was like Mom that's exactly why I go to college I mean that and to have my first lesbian experience I still remember my first girl on girl experience it was really awkward the next day you know we were walking to class together and then me at my desk taking notes her at the podium [Applause] teaching but I made the Deans List so uh my grandma um the Dead one we used to play Scrabble together when I was a little girl and she kicked my ass I used to be so proud of myself cuz I would spell words like dog and Dot and then it was her turn and she'd spell Alpa it wasn't fair I was 6 years old I didn't I know what an alpaca was I'm still not sure anyway then she'd added up the scores right because she had to do it she claimed she was better at math than I was Jenny 3 Grandma 89 I win don't even get me started on our strip poker games so uh I want to say one more thing before I go and that's that I have a new boyfriend thank you we're [Applause] texting that's how I know it's serious I like to send in messages like I miss you so much or I bet you're as hard as the bar [Music] exam I'm not a lawyer Esther Ku - Being Asian in College hello so I'm a girl I like being a girl but some women complain they say that men make more money than we do and that we make 77 cents for every dollar that you guys make but I don't think we have hey I don't think we have a right to complain though because we make you spend 50 cents for every dollar you make anyway right so we come out ahead what a12 for every 50 cents you make suckers so I'm Asian I didn't always like being Asian but it did come in handy when I went to college right cuz you could be the only one sleeping in class and the professor would never be able to tell really [Applause] sleeping or high no one can [Applause] [Music] tell so uh I know that's funny so I went out with this white guy once and he took me to play tennis and I was on the tennis court like whoa what is going on here why are we standing on the pingpong table this is crazy crazy and these balls are huge and oh furry so I'm kind of like a Twinkie yellow on the outside I guess they say and white on the inside and I go out with a guy now he's white but he thinks he's black you know so I guess what do you call that like a dingdong so that's my boyfriend so when I have kids they're going to be really weird looking cuz they're going to be half asian and half regular and people are always like you don't like Asian guys I'm like no I like regular people cuz regular people have regular siiz sausages it's okay there's an Asian guy over there like hey sorry so I like white people but uh I like black people even more because when I'm driving at night and I hit a black person like it's not really my [Laughter] fault and like I'm not racist though but like I'm just a really bad driver you know like look at me I'm Asian female drunk you know I know you guys might be scared to laugh cuz it's kind of dark in here so if you're black can you smile for me cool coast is clear I hate f people they take up more room it's not fair you know I'm this little Asian person move over for me but white chicks are always like I hate you you're so skinny how do you get so skinny you know and I always tell them the same thing every time just do what we do eat with chopsticks CU we can't pick it up with those things either right so you guys into pornography out here yeah me too I went to this porn shop recently and I got this porno uh it's called strapon for beginners and uh have you seen it and uh and you know my boyfriend he didn't like it at first when I put it in I mean the video [Music] but the next day we woke up and he was like you know what I really didn't like that because now when I fart he said it doesn't make a noise and that's when I got and when I realized that's why you guys like to fart so loudly cuz you want to prove hey nothing's been up my butt that's why you never really hate your gay friends forart it just comes right out so Jews I just discovered Jews recently I'm from the Midwest so we don't really have them there but I have this problem like I can't I can't really tell them apart from regular people you know like are you Jewish no see what I mean I can't tell I mean I would just make a terrible Nazi oh my fing anti-semite right there people Shalom my manager taught me that one so Jew Jew's making me happy no I just started smoking weeds yeah anybody in here Never Smoke Weed before just me one person the Asians up here oh my God you should try it it's amazing you know what goes well with weed is a live Hard sausage nothing more fun than playing with one of those after getting [Music] high woo all right I guess that's it for me people my name's Esther coup thanks