Working In Retail | Jack Whitehall

I remember we had this old woman once she came in Friday afternoon 5:55 hello I need to buy a birthday card for my grandson if you're not out the shop in 5 minutes love the only card he's going to be requiring is a condolence card make it Qui cuz that's the thing isn't it there are some things right that I don't think will ever make the cultural crossover we're so similar to Americans in so many ways but something they'll never get like customer service for example all right they love that in America we will never have that in the UK we don't do customer service and I think that should be celebrated cuz I do not like customer service I think it's an ugly thing I like going into a shop anywhere in this country and knowing exactly where I stand knowing that I'm a piece of sh like phone shopping for example phone shopping here is so easy you walk into the car phone Warehouse you know the drill you're going to to get ignored for days there'll be a corpse at the counter where some elderly man has gone in and tried to upgrade without his wife there to help and even when you do get assistance it's going to be from some patronizing little teenager in a suit that's constantly going to be asking you how many minutes you talking in the month bro I don't know but when you leave the shop you feel like you've earned your phone I had to go to the Apple Store recently in New York oh my God the Apple store in New York is world's away it is like a big white glistening Cathedral of before you even have your foot in the threshold of the door there's some tub with a fringe in your face hey buddy my name is Drew how's your day been going hamr what brings you to the Apple Store today I'm here to buy a phone not make a friend off they applaud the first customer in of the day the Apple Store in New York they all stand around clapping like [ __ ] as he walks into the shop w we love you man customer number one you rock can you imagine getting away with that behavior at a UK phone shop it's my local T-Mobile the only customer that's getting applauded there is the last one out of the day you've gone we're going to in the pub you black PR and it works both ways as well I had to get a train when I was in America I got onto the platform and on the platform they had a poster on this poster was one of the American ra employees she was this woman she was all made up her eyes were full of Hope and life she had a smile on her face and then underneath it a little slogan hey you got enough snacks for the journey enjoy your [Applause] trip compare that to the posters do you get on every single station platform up and down this great country what do you get you get a picture of a national rail employee with a massive black eye then underneath it please don't hit our stuff look I'm I'm depressed as well that I even have to go to the Apple Store because I never wanted that from my life I was perfectly content before I was a non iPhone user and I was happy but like all non- iPhone users eventually I gave in I listened to them I gave in to the iPhone Nazis all right these people that force you to get it they make you buy it and they lie to you cuz they don't tell you about the bad [ __ ] they only tell you the good things they don't say yeah this phone is amazing but unfortunately it has a battery life of 20 seconds it's a bit like you found the best new buddy in the world the coolest guy you've ever met but this guy also has me cuz it's asleep all the time it's a SmartPhone it's a smartphone you need to get a smart phone smartphones you know I wish I still had a dumb phone that's what I like a phone where I knew where I good you know the phone I wish I still had the Nokia 3310 there was a phone the iPhone with all of its apps and its maps and its GPS the 3310 gave a man all he needed stopwatch calculator and snake anything else there was no pretention with it the most pretentious the 3310 got is When It upgraded itself to the 3330 the only thing they added to that model was a currency converter on a phone that didn't even work abroad and no pretention as well no pretention with like predictive text messaging predictive text messaging on the 3310 was Bliss you tried to type a Word into it that was more than like five letters long it would give up it was like he was saying yeah you want to use puncy fancy language like that you're on your own noed not with the iPhone where does the iPhone get this vocabulary constantly jumping to conclusions nobody talks like that it doesn't matter what you put into the bloody thing you're like a n did you mean androgenous no and I meant and I realized this is probably looking now like I'm falling down on the side of the consumer cuz that's not the case all right that is not the case at all cuz I'm going to share with you tonight Hammer Smith Apollo I've actually done a little bit of time right on the front line I did four weeks one summer holidays working in Clinton cards the horror have we got any other survivors in any other vets who else has worked in a shop show of hands yeah okay front row where did where did you work Burton yise Burton yise yeah Burton oh Burton Shoe Shop sorry Burton Shoe Shop what did you get it confused with initially there's different types of Burtons this is probably why you didn't last very long there oh you you've been drink you're an alcoholic okay the uh you were thr out the shoe shop weren't you stole all the shoes so what was your worst type of customer to come into Burton's Shoe Shop the most annoying someone like me why is someone like me I have feet I buy shoes why cuz I'd be quite picky with his shoes I want something nice would I what what are you rocking down there what you look like a garden a women's prison like you should it's a prop a lesbian boot I like it no no I used to find the worst coming into Clinton cards right the worst type of customer was the elderly I used to hate the elderly coming in cuz they'd always come in right at the end of the day they'd pick their moments I remember we had this old woman once she came in Friday afternoon 5:55 hello I need to buy a birthday card for my grandson if you're not out the shop in 5 minutes love the only card he's going to be requiring is a condolence card make it quick how did you leave buttons did you walk out or were you sacked or got sack mate you got sacked what for what did you do I didn't sell enough uh you didn't sell enough shoes products products yeah with the shoes with the shoes there's additional stuff besides the shoes that you have to sell leather cleaner who buys leather cleaner they sacked you for that these where are they next time there's a riot we're going to them up sucking you like that that is so un [Applause] do you know what they got me on Clinton cards do you know what they got me on that's so unfair cuz there was no stipulation when I signed up to the contract that I couldn't do what I did come about 5:30 I couldn't be asked I wanted to go down the pub so I used to stand in the doorway just ushering people out the shop if anyone did try and get by me I'd just be like moonpig.com try it [Music]