[Applause] DC how we doing how stupid was that I came up from the floor like I'm a [ __ ] Jonas brother I know that was silly and it was my idea I was so embarrassed that I thought of that but it was too late when we got here to change it because men with jobs had built it and we're operating it very well I might add and I has just like we could just scrap it right like well this is like a week of our lives so I know that that was dumb thank you for indulging me how we doing DC thank you so much for coming I have to be honest my career is going very well right now I this is the last night of the biggest tour I've ever done I am filming my third Netflix special tonight and recently someone was using my name and photo on a dating app it was me I was doing it went through a breakup got on a dating app why because my married friends told me to if you're single your married friends don't want you to be happy they don't they want you on those apps because the apps look fun and they can't go on them so they want to stand behind you like a kid in an arcade with no [ __ ] quars well you fight for your life out there they're like go left go right go left go right you're like do you want to play they're like more than anything but I have the highest score so it wouldn't be fair your married friends don't want more married friends nobody wants more married friends I'm sorry if you're married and I know you're upfront because two income household nobody wants more married friends okay cuz your life updates are boring I'm happy you're settled good for you you know who has fun life updates your single friends cuz we're out there in the trenches making mistakes named Trevor usually have you asked your married friends what they did over the weekend you're like what' you guys do this weekend they're like I know just uh woke up next to my soulmate again then you ask your single friend you're like what' you do this weekend they're like I woke up in a shallow grave like why are you proud of that did you have sex in a grave they're like why do you think we dug the grave do you guys have that one single friend who thinks she's really hot and fun but she's actually just in constant danger all the time that one girl every time she tells you a dating story you're like oh my God okay no we're not judging but maybe just share your location with us indefinitely I have one friend like that every week she tells me the scariest stories I've ever heard in my life just like I had the hottest date Friday Taylor I'm making out with this guy at a bar so sexy takes my hand he's like let me show you something pulls me back through the kitchen into the back alley pulls out his huge gun points it right in my face like give me your phone your keys in your wallet I'm like okay kinky I'll try anything once right he hits me in the head I wake up 30 minutes later alone in a puddle I have to Hitch hiom oh my God I am such a Samantha like okay we think you got mugged babe we think she's like mugged oh my God you're such a prud Taylor he's going to call me he has my phone seriously you'll meet him he took my breath away we're like no he knocked the wind out of you your friends always say the dumbest [ __ ] when you go through a breakup trying to be helpful right like well why don't you just date yourself cuz you told me not to settle what the [ __ ] I can do better than me why can't you just be single for a year why can't you go for a walk without headphones cuz you'll think about death the whole time exactly but this last breakup was different for me cuz this was the first breakup I had gone through since I got on Netflix and before I was on Netflix every time I went through a breakup my friends were very supportive like we're so sorry we're here for you it'll get better then I got on Netflix and I went through a breakup and all my friends were like well I mean you have your dream job so yeah all my friends looked in my sad face and went you can't have it all [ __ ] all of them and I was so offended and then I thought thought about it for a minute and I was like you know what I don't want anybody to have it all either none of us do it's why they keep putting out Marilyn Monroe documentaries where they're like she's actually pretty sad and we're like yeah she [ __ ] was nobody wants anybody to have it all if someone has their soulmate you don't want them to have their dream job too if someone has their dream job they don't get to be in love on top of that if someone has their dream job and their soulmate bare minimum their parents better be divorced I'd prefer they were an orphan nobody wants anybody to have it all when I was a kid I didn't think you could have it all when I was a kid I thought you either got to be hot or have a good personality I thought that's how people were divided I thought life was fair and that got me through a lot of ugly years as a child where I'm like it's okay that I'm not more symmetrical cuz I have this great awesome personality that will surely reveal itself any day now it's coming with my period and my Hogwarts letter I can feel it and that got me all the way to sixth grade when I met my friend Christa and she was pretty and funny and smart and nice and that's when I stopped believing in God but so many of my friends said a version of this to me after my last break up that I actually started to feel really guilty because you know what DC this is my dream job I can't believe I'm filming my third Netflix special tonight I cannot believe [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] oh [Music] I have been so insanely Lucky in my career and the more I thought about that the more I was like yeah Taylor nobody has every single thing going for them as a person you have been so blessed be grateful for what you have focus on that nobody gets to have it all and then I saw you Jackman in person and I was like oh I guess you can have it all but there's none left because God gave it all to you you Jack a perfect specimen of a human man seeing him in person was a religious experience it changed me it was like seeing the Grand Canyon I think everyone should do it at least once before they die he is a wonder of the world that man it was like seeing Niagara Falls you can bring the whole family you get a little wet but it's fun it [Applause] was here's what happened so about a year and a half ago we were in New York City doing shows on tour and we had an off night in between theater shows so me and my buddy Dustin and his wife Melissa and a few of our other friends who were also happy went to go see the music man on Broadway which was starring Hugh Jackman was it a good show I don't know but Hugh Jackman was there the whole time they should have called the show we got Hugh Jackman in a room who wants to see him the show was great at the end of the show they're doing curtain calls all the actors are taking their bows one of the actors steps forward and goes you've come on a very special week because tonight we're raising money for an amazing charity called Broadway cares and tonight Hugh is going to sign the pair of gloves he wore in the show and we're going to auction them off to the highest bitter and I looked at my friends and I was like I mean I have money and they were like really this is what you're going to spend the Netflix money on huh and I was like well I don't have a family