Have It All: Date Ideas || Taylor Tomlinson 2024

I love telling that story cuz I can always tell who grew up in church based on who starts laughing at you know I have too you're like oh I read the Bible I know they're about to cut a baby in half I don't think the dating app thing is for me by the way I don't think I can I can do it is anyone in here on dating apps okay has anyone in here never been on a dating app oh I don't care for that wish I hadn't asked the smugness of those Woos I hated every second of that if you've never been on a dating app let me tell you what it's like every dating app profile you get six photos of what look like six different human beings and then you have to go and sit at a coffee shop and wait for them like come on picture number three come on picture number three and then he gets there and you're like God damn it it's 4 but you can't just leave you got to sit there for 45 minutes nodding and smiling knowing you're going to ghost him later you feel creepy you feel like Haley Joel Osman in the six sense just like oh he doesn't know he's dead yet dating is so awkward especially dating apps a dating app date is not a blind date but it is a nearsighted one you know the first date's easy you get dinner drinks that's basic but then they're like this was fun we should hang out again what should we do and you're like well [ __ ] I'm not a person with Hobbies or interests I'm basically just a stack of frightened possums in a trench coat right now doing an impression of someone I saw on the street 8 years ago so then you got to go home and get online like a loser like date ideas is 2023 we could Bowl you ever drive past a bowling alley like at least stay open second dates that's how we could bull or mini golf is laser tag a real thing you're just doing [ __ ] church youth groups do when they're trying not to touch each other just lace up those bowling shoes my man you're either going to commit to me or Christ tonight can't finger these holes you can't finger those pick your ball pick your ball I'm an introvert and I think that's why dating's hard for me extroverts you're better at dating cuz you like getting to know people you're like into it for some reason that's why I think you're better at casual sex when you think about it a one night stand is really just meeting someone as hard as you possibly can I've never been able to have casual sex as an introvert I can't even relate to my male comic friends in green rooms when they're talking shop about Road sex they're like yeah I had sex with this girl and then kind of just lost interest after I came I'm like totally that's how I feel after I poop in a Barnes & Noble right cuz it's like I got what I came for we can go but those are my most fun friends to talk to my friends who have casual sex regularly I always want to hear their updates I have a friend she's on Tinder I call her every Monday I'm like hey how's your weekend she goes great remember that guy I told you about he is so good at Dirty Talk Taylor I'm like what's like good dirty talk in your opinion she goes I really like being called like a [ __ ] and a [ __ ] and I'm like oh my God if you like being called a [ __ ] and a [ __ ] in bed your parents loved you so much like dirty talk is hot because it's [ __ ] you've never heard before o if someone called me a [ __ ] in bed I'd be like excuse me that's what my father calls me that is a family name boundaries sir look around is this sex or Thanksgiving read the room I want to hear some [ __ ] in bed I've never heard I want to hear like hey hey I set up a college fun for you I think your arms look too thin I really enjoyed your Netflix special I have some daddy issues I'm working on them in therapy not in my relationships not anymore I used to put my dad and my ex-boyfriend's on the same group text and write in all caps I don't feel pretty today whose fault do we think Dad is disuss that worked so much better than it usually does I'm worried about you guys that one's usually for me are we all right I really like you guys you guys are great I have another friend who's such an extrovert she's going to have a threesome with the guy she's dating I was like really she goes yeah would you ever have a threesome I was like oh my God now I don't want to hang out with two other people I've never been in the middle seat on a flight fighting for an armrest like wish we were all naked that would be cool I don't even think I could date an extrovert again I dated an extrovert once we moved in together the first week we lived together he's like hey what if we had some people over I was like look if you don't want to be with me just say so you want to have people over over what my dead body if you're an extrovert and you're in love with an introvert you got to understand asking us to invite people over is like asking us to do anal watch our face change like I'm sorry is it your birthday seems like a big ask for a random Tuesday I live alone now it's incredible I fall asleep in the middle of the bed like a boy King just like good night Joffrey it's fantastic [Music] [Music] [Music] I eat all the food I buy every grocery I buy it goes a mirror it goes bad that's power D you see if I clog the toilet at home I don't have to deal with it right away that's Freedom DC when I lived with a man I was attracted to I was always like no please toilet don't tell him I'm a human woman I beg of you take my dark secrets to your watery grave remember our bargain now I'm like you loser toilet that's what Lids are for you want to see the sky do your job I was so afraid of being single all throughout my I was terrified of being single I used to just jump from relationship to relationship to relationship cuz I was so scared that I was going to die alone and now that I'm older I'm like I'm not going to die alone I don't go hiking by myself all right someone will be there when I die a doctor a murderer someone will bear witness but I've been single for the last year now and it has been the most relaxing year of my entire life it has been lovely waking up every day going oh no one's going to make me cry today but me the but peace it's lovely here's the thing being single is not what sucks dating is what sucks and you can opt out of that dating is what's shitty the constant push and pull of Hope and disappointment dating feels like being a stuffed animal in a claw machine like oh my God it's happening no it's not oh my God here we go wow can't believe I told people that's embarrass oh oh oh oh and you're just moving me over to get to something else I understand I get that and things change so quickly as you're getting older too I had a friend I didn't talk to her for a couple weeks I called her to catch up she goes you'll never guess I think I met my soulmate on Bumble gone just like that they're getting married this spring we were lying in the same pile of stuffed animals for years I closed my eyes for 2 minutes and when I open them she was outside the glass going it'll happen for you 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