Comedy Roadshow: Manchester | John Bishop, Sarah Millican, Mick Ferry & Jason Manford | Jokes On Us

[Music] hello hello good evening how are you good good good don't worry I've never heard of me either got to be honest with you ladies and gentlemen it's lovely to be here for those who haven't yet worked out I'm from Liverpool yeah it just shows the BBC's commitment to ethnic diversity they could have put me on anywhere but they don't know let's throw him in Manchester and see what happens and thanks for that thanks for the Applause because we have this this this rivalry between us and it's unnecessary let's be honest it's unnecessary between Liverpool and Manchester what is there warington and let's be honest before the swedes built a shop we didn't even know was [Applause] there and when the sweds built the shop they realized the problems they had they thought we're going to build the shop in warington these people are half breeds from Liverpool and Manchester let's make it easy let's show them which way to walk around the shop if you ever go to Ikea and try to walk against the arrows people scream at you you can't just go to the marketplace you've got to go through soft finish and even if you don't want anything in soft fness you that's why all over the country people are walking home with 4 foot snakes that they didn't want to buy and you just buy stuff don't you like like we bought a new fridge we bought a new fridge and uh we had a fridge there was nothing wrong with the fridge that we had it just wasn't massive so my wife wanted a new fridge she wanted a new silver fridge that's the size of a bungalow so so she wanted a new Fring cuz I like sex I said yeah and we got this fridge and and the best thing about this fridge the big selling point about this fridge is that you can get instant cold water Direct from the fridge which is I got to be honest that hasn't half changed our lives cuz what we've decided to do is to put the fridge in the kitchen next to the sink I'm probably Sav myself a yard of walking every day but what that meant is that we had the spear fridge we had the spare fridge and there was a time there was a time when I was growing up that having a spare fridge was easy what was that well that was the joke but uh but obviously I didn't know I was in a double app and you know what you've just done then when I walked out here I had that same feeling that General kuster had I looked around the room and thought I'm from Liverpool these are from Manchester I'm outnumbered but you've managed to put them all on my side thanks for that because you're not wrong you're not wrong the garden's the best place when I was grown up that's maybe puty let's be honest with you all would if you had some spare white goods they went in the garden just so you could show off to the neighbors you could say look I've got a fridge I don't even use look at that and we're doing that well with the plug on it that's how you used to show off but but but you don't know you can't you can't do that now it's not acceptable and and you know kids don't play with fridges in the same way we used to play with fridges you know it's not accepted in fact my kids wouldn't know what to do with the fridge in the garden they they wouldn't see it like the adventure that I saw it you know my kids to be honest with you're the Posh kids my kids my kids are Posh spoiled middle class my kids are the kids I used to throw stones at to be honest and there's some mornings where there going to the Posh schools with the Posh satel I forget I'm going piss off sorry son you've dropped your lunch box there all your cuss cussers fell out so there's no point there's no joy in leaving it in the garden so so so so what we did what we did I thought I'll have to get rid of it I don't know if anyone's try to get rid of a fridge these days it's a nightmare but but I don't know if you're aware of this fact that if you're from Liverpool by law someone in your family has to have a van it's true you ask any scouty you know they know someone with the van and uh and so my brother are already he's got the family van I phoned him up and said I need the van I've got to get rid of a fridge so so so I took the fridge I took the fridge to the dump now as it say going to the dump used to be great you could go to the dump and get rid of stuff now you go to the dump you got to pass an exam I turned turn with the dump there's a fell there with a yellow vest and a clipboard who's done an mvq and clipboard management I say up at the dump he said what have you got I said rubbish and he said well what's in the back I said the fridge he said W you can't bring that here I said why he said we've got an environmental policy now you can't just bring a fridge here I said why not he said well fridges have got Fair on in you can't just dump a fridge anymore I said what has happened he said we'd have to phone us up I said then what happens he said then we come and get it [Laughter] I said do do I ring I'm look this is to this I said do you do a ring and he gave me a number I'm sat in the van I got my phone out I pressed the number the phone in his hot rang he went to the horse he answered the phone he said hello I said I've got a fridge he said where are you I said I'm outside dick ladies and gentlemen you've been absolutely lovely up in John B thank you good night God bless hello thank you I'm going to tell you a little bit about me um first uh I got married at 22 and divorced at 29 have I got any divorce season give us a cheer some really happy people well done we got anybody in know was married give us a cheer if you're married and sound as happy as that fell up there never mind your time will come who was married at the front give us a wave if you're married let's have a look nice lady how long you been married three and a half three and a half years oh you're nearly done when I got divorced I moved back in with me Mom and Dad that's not good as it no when we first split up somebody said it was like a bement it's one of those stock phrases that roll out to people who' have never thought of peeing on the husband's toothbrush I'm not telling them time's a Healer plenty more fish in the sea my own personal favorite I never liked him that was me mom so get the how you head tilt how are you just want to get it straight it isn't like a bement at all cuz if he died I'd have had me mortgage paid and I could have danced on his grave we first spit up on to see a counselor and she suggested that I read Paul McKenna's how menend a broken heart got to page 30 and I slept with the 23y old it's not what it said it's what it should have said cuz it really bloody [Music] worked when I bought the book I bought off Amazon and underneath it said customers who bought this also bought suicide isn't always the answer cuz it sometimes is so when I became newly single a friend of mine bought me a teapot for one cow she's not friend anymore she's not even alive anymore she's alive she's just heavily disfigured some kind of teot related incident but I had a bit of a New Year's resolution this year decided that I was going to start watching me wait I realize Watching Me Wait doesn't imply that it's going to get any less it just like I'm documenting how fat I'm going to get I think cuz my downfall is cakes and PUD I don't really drink an awful lot and I was going to say I don't do drugs but I did have a space cake once I just heard the word cake I just found it really dry I mean I might not know drugs but I do know cake just think a bit of buttercream wouldn't have gone astray it's almost like they hadn't thought about the Cake part at all but I think I'm like everybody else in that there are bits of me I really don't like and I really don't like my legs and recently I decided s it nobody cares about you just wear a skirt so I wore a skirt and on the first day of wearing a skirt I got whistled up by a builder how good is that wasn't so much a wolf whistle as he went it's not the same thing at all is it it's like you would a little dog but I did in a moment of stupidity Rec I did toy with me be getting myself some thigh high boots and sort of fishing for a compliment I said to me sister where would I get thy high boots that would fit my thighs and she said well Tres must get them from somewhere but I've been gone through things that have been in storage and deciding what to keep and what to B and I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with me wed and dress let's get some suggestions from the audience what about somebody from the top ler tell me what do you think I should do with my wedding dress give us a suggestion burn it oh did you hear that straight away Bill even finished my sentence burn it are you all right somebody give him a cuddle up there burn it that's a bit of man is it burn it put the ex-husband in it and just burn it pretty sure that's murder um got a session from the lovely ladies in the frontier what about any of you lovely ladies give me a suggestion what do you think oh yeah confering that's good tell me charity shop charity shop I thought about that cuz there's one not far from where Mom and Dad live it's always just full of pensioners and I love the idea of an old lady buying it for like4 pound and just twirling lovely BL some people often suggest that I sell it is an audience you think there's much of a market for a secondhand wedding dress yes or no yeah some fellas did you hear the fellas yes get a cheap one and ifone get the flowers from a graveyard you're quite a nice normal audience I sometimes get quite weird suggestions the weirdest one I've ever had this guy said to me totally straight face I think you should wear it and follow him round in [Applause] it and I looked at his girlfriend I was sitting beside him as if she was going to go what do you like and she just went that's not my favorite one my favorite one I've ever had somebody said I should wear it on first dates going to no I'm not looking for anything serious la oh you've been really nice but I leave you with one thing I've noticed recently how you can tell as a woman whether or not you're overweight it's during the throws of passion when your partner picks you up whether or not he says one two three first you're be lovely thank you very much good night [Applause] [Music] wow uh I am from Alm like you said just down the road there which is who if you're wondering where you can smell silic Bang from that's coming from me um it's nice being here cuz if I was back home now I'd be throwing stones at the moon now so I I don't think anybody's done that you'll notice as well I think I'm I'm probably the fattest comic that's going to be on the bill tonight so uh any other sufferers yeah well done mate yeah there you go yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're overweight um you're like me you can't deny it can you you know there's no holding it in anymore you go yeah I'm fats um I put weight on about eight years ago and I genuinely thought when I actually I was looking forward to it because I thought I don't know about you mate but I genuinely thought that I would if I become fat I'd become bubbly and get a great personality that's all I'd ever heard about fat people is how nice they were and I'm not I'm just I'm still miserable that's a problem just eat chocolate at 2: in the morning and cry has anybody ever used a cat to polish a Telly you know the cats asleep in front of the TV a bit of dust on your screen you just pick your cat up and wipe your Telly I know I'm not the only one who's done that if you got laminate flooring you can put your foot on it and drag it like that they love it he I'm cleaning just spray him up with Polish before you do it I can't do that now I've got a dog right I've got a border collie he's seven years old I think I think I did one of the funniest things I've ever done with him a couple years ago and this is these people are going to hate me for this right but I got him drunk right didn't mean to get the dog drunk right I'll tell you what happened took him out for a walk he cut his paw two stitches course of antibiotics 245 quid at the Vets yeah amputation 310 I didn't but you think he won't cut it again will he but so I thought I'd cheer him up I put some Brandy in his milk it's wrong but the funniest thing I've ever done cuz I didn't know I was drinking myself you can't get your dog drunk you've got to drink with them that's tight you know what I mean he just stare at you go why why am I drinking I'm your own then you going to take pictures of me put it on Facebook oh I love a drink with you and so he I I put a slug of Brandy in I didn't think it'd have that big effect on him I thought it might make him sleep because he was in pain he came in and half an hour later it kicked in now he normally doesn't react to anything on TV but he started doing he started trying to howl but he couldn't he was just lying there going o and I started laughing I couldn't stop myself I was laughing so much and he he got angry wanted to fight me see he like like calm down you've had a drink sit down what's wrong with you then he spent half an hour just texting all girlfriends that's all bizar it's bizar I have got kids as well and I would imagine we've got quite a few parents and I've got I've got three children there and it's it's gas getting awkward cuz my eldest now she's 20 and we yeah yeah this is hard for me to admit and there's a lot of men will know what I'm talking about she's 20 I'm very proud of the way she's turned out she's a lovely young woman uh but I'm more interested in sleeping with her friends now uh which yeah that's a bit yeah it's a bit hard to admit I shouldn't I shouldn't really be doing it on TV I've got to be honest with you I've just realized but she it makes me un she brings them home some weekends and you try and be nice you all right girls have a sleepover you what Dad we don't do that anymore we're all 20 all right just being friendly stop staring at them you make them uncomfortable put your pants on the hardest thing though the hardest thing with the kids at the minute is this this boredom freshh old have you noticed how B dead easily so bored it winds me up more than when when I when I was a kid seriously a dead bumblebee right two weeks that I give me fun two weeks I know where it was on the street I even have a stick to poke it well de bumblebee want to have a look at that touch it de you go on touch it my dad said this thing your dad's a liar your dad touches bin men what it's it's lack of imagination it's like my favorite game when I was a kid my favorite game was to get an old lever football that had burst take out the bladder and fill it with Broken Bricks and then you put the football with the broken bricks on a road outside a pub did you knew when a man had Beering him and he saw the football I could have been a professional the early over End of the Street kick us the ball back mister right Lads on your red yeah you can lift it you prick L some folks youve been lovely having been mcfur good night God bless [Applause] bye-bye hello thank you nice one good hey nice one thank you how are you Michael mckinty everyone how good he what a legend the Hollow look at this is anyone else thinking they've scrubbed it up quite nice aren't they look it's nice now it's on the Telly when we usually it's all right [ __ ] all is it but look at it well ni good work Hardwick I mean a lot of these cameras are not going to make it back to London you know that me so good so my wife's pregnant at a moment we're expecting twins in the summer and uh we're all very excited yeah and uh she was getting very Broody at work like five women in the space of a month got pregnant she was like oh it must be something in the water I'm like well unless it's sperm don't matter does it there's no there's no actual correlation there is it it's just coincidence really no it's she's she's very Broody all the time my wife and and we we we were trying for kids for ages and we were we were trying and after a while you do think if maybe this went wrong you know you get to that point and we went to the doctors and I hope nobody ever has to go through the situation it's an embarrassing situation it's awful right it's a little bit demeaning sometimes and we went in and luckily nothing was wrong with all happened fine but we went in and we met this doctor Dr Baron as well that's not who you want to meet when you're talking like is there anyone else available Dr low sperm count or some what's going on here anyway she dealt with it fine right she asked me wife a load of questions then she turned to me right she says to me right Mr Manford how many times on average a week do you masturbate oh God a week a week um where's I left my diary at home like um like you keep a tally of it you know what I mean she's like come on how many times my wife is proper laughing as well sweat is pouring down my back um I said I don't really you know I'm too uh busy too busy she says no come on we're all adults I'm times a week I said uh just you know the average amount really whatever the national average is that's me bang on in the middle whatever the neighbors are doing that's me keeping up with the Joneses that's me she said well what's the average I said well I don't know you're the expert I don't know what's going on here in the end I just had to guess right I thought right I'm just going to have to go for it so I just went five that's above the average right I don't the average is 2.5 I don't know who's having half of one right who's that look on a Friday I think we'll leave it there folks and uh pick that up first thing Monday morning I'm looking forward to being a dad I'm looking forward to it cuz my dads are amazing they can do stuff that nobody's ever taught them you know like changing a changing a plug with a butter knife that's never something that that's in no DIY manual that is it give it a I'll sort that out the kitchen save it don't wor about it there we are is that is that live that live that [ __ ] and parents are important they teach you of course it teach you everything I mean dads are less important I think um in the sense that most of the stuff they do is just made up you know what I mean they've made it home there they're Liars aren't they dads are liars and nothing serious like the classic in our house and and you might have had this it's a classic all over this country you might have this for is when the ice cream van comes around when he plays his music that means he's got no ice creams left don't it right and that in our house was a fact okay I mean to the point where you'd seen a lot of kids outside you go Dad them stupid kids out there death for Summit what's going on there going on a truth like me and you anyway I'm up to college right you know those lies those lives would stay with you forever wouldn't they my dad told us that black puddings lived at the bottom of the garden right that they were little animals and every morning he go down he catch a few in a net take the legs off poke the eyes out put in a pan having for his breakfast now that's quite cute at home makes you sound like a right no better at school though it does no wonder who got bullied what you doing this weekend Jay going black put on with my dad but the worst one my dad did I remember I was always had a little bit in trouble my brother was in trouble we'd always fight and my dad he was working night so one of the rules was you just got to be quiet all the way through the day really quiet and he'd be fast asleep upstairs and me and me Brothers even when we're proper fighting can still be on mute it was amazing and my brother would wind me up he'd come running in from playing football all hot and sweaty and he go to the fridge he start drinking milk straight out four P I can see bits of sweat going off his lip onto the milk that I saw on my ready bre in it I don't need that so what I do as an 8-year-old is I just eyed behind the fridge and I jump out squeeze it in his face dead hard now that's quite humorous now and we're adults right when you ate that is the funniest thing you will ever see until it starts seeping out of his ears and his nose and then you've come to a new level and he'd be like no i' be like shut your mouth Mak up I will kill you choer made it worse obviously you know and then I did that worst sound of my childhood me Dad's foot itting the floor upstairs I didn't swear I was only like ah Cy right spr L Theo you know and then you start coming down the stairs [Music] like and he make it into the kitchen you go right what's going on here then even though dads they already know my dad is like some out of CSI Manchester something like that you know spilled milk milk coming out of his ears all right I've worked it out he's like Columbo he's worked it out in the first 5 minutes but like columber likes to drag it out over an hour right what's going on and he throw this extra finger in my daddy go right stick your tongues out what I don't know if anyone did stick your Tong's out why cuz it's welln a liar's tongue turns bright green straight after the LIE oh it does it I didn't know that she my brother not be lying tongue straight out ni and pink me who i' been lying think I'm not falling for this I'm going to keep my Green Tongue in me mouth I think I've won this one that's a couple of dads going I'm having that one I got home that's going in and it honestly it works a treat and then he drag us up we didn't have a phone at home so he drag us up to the phone box right up to darish number hello that Chief Inspector Williams Greater Manchester police you got a prison Mommy I don't care if you're old enough to push milk in your brother's face you're old enough to go to prison all right she's not phras I've heard since but he swore by it yeah he's been bad again all right yeah then the phone will come to me hello I [Music] start it's Chief Inspector Williams here great at Manchester police and if you're bad again I will come around with the van and the dogs take to strange Way's prison for 15 years don't do that I was only at I wouldn't last in prison and he w e would you what are you in for mate push your milk in my brother's face it's tough first day and that used to happen every week for about 6 years to me and both my brothers and I never realized but we stopped ringing Chief Inspector Williams shortly after me Granddad died just just never put two and two together all those years thinking about now he didn't even change his voice it was just him he wasn't even acting I just believed it so much the weird thing was M Nana she had the exact same voice as the woman who own the orphanage never got to the bottom of that but the Grandad one I only worked it out as well I've got another little brother now he's 8 years old Nile and me Daddy rang me up out the blue was in Tesco or Sumer I went a yeah he went a yeah at Chief Inspector will great Manchester please I will not be part of your lie old man it ends right here thanks very much Manchester Apollo God bless byebye Cheers Cheers byebye