There Is Nothing Dumber Than A Man At A Grocery Store. Barry Laminack

I'm married. I love being married. Thank you, yeah. It's great, man. My wife wrote that part of the joke. It's-- (audience laughing) Yeah, I'm married, man. I'm in an interracial relationship. (audience laughing) I'm white, she's Hispanic. A lot of people don't count that. If there's not a Black person involved, everybody's like, nah, that's just too close. (audience laughing) You stayed in the sun too long. You guys would match. It's OK. Nobody even looks at you crazy. That's not true. We are completely different cultures. I'm white, she seasons her food. Like, it is-- (audience laughing) That joke was just for the Black people. Not here, obviously, but. (audience laughing) And the Hispanics and the Cajuns. I don't really know what they are, but they make good foods. I just throw them in there. (audience laughing) I love being married, man. Me and my wife, we don't have kids because I can't. So-- no, not that I can't. I just can't. Like, ugh, I just can't-- --have kids. (audience laughing) They're creepy. I'm not doing that. They're also gross, too. Let's be real. Kids are gross. Babies are gross. (audience applauding) Yeah, there they go. I know some of you like to smell their heads. Stop that, white people. That is weird, too. Look. (sniffing) Ah. Stop that. That and puppies' feet-- what are you doing? Stop smelling puppies' paws and babies' heads, white people. It's weird for us. You're making us look bad. Babies are gross, though, right? They throw up with no warning. I need some warning. You ever held a baby, and you're just like, well, look at-- And they're-- (throw up sounds) Just-- what? Where did this come from, that big fountain of vomit? It's like a nice, tight spiral too. It's like a pool noodle. You're just like, huh? Where did you get all this vomit in your little body from? (audience laughing) No warning. See, me and my wife have cats. This is why I love cats. When a cat throws up, oh, it's a whole production. Everybody in the house knows a cat is about to throw up when they do, right? They're just, like-- (cat vomiting) Oh, man, woo! Hey. There's like that vomit churn thing where they're making vomit. They're just like, woo, everybody, look at me! Woo, hey! All right, I'm going to start backing up now. Any of you ever watch a cat back up when they vomit? Why do they do that? Like they're trying to escape, and it's like, that's in your body. You're not getting away from it. They present, oh, man! Then that tongue comes out. You're like, where did you get 8 foot of tongue? That is-- (cat vomiting) Never mind, it's just a hairball. I'm good, folks. We can all go back to what we were doing. Say what? Need that. I love having cats. I do, man. It's great. I talk about them like they're my kids. I just don't tell people. I feel left out of the kid conversation. So somebody would be like, "oh my gosh. "Sarah got so sick last week." I'm like, I know. Oliver threw up three times. Thank goodness they eat it, though, right? Don't have to even clean it up. (audience laughing) He's a terrible dad. (audience laughing) This is great being married, man. But men are dumb, right? We're dumb. Let me finish. There's a comma, not a period, ladies. We're dumb at the grocery store, are we not? She tried to clap, and then he was like, put your hands down. That was between us. (audience laughing) Every dude is on the phone with his woman the entire time, right? "Hey, they don't have bread." (audience laughing) Aisle one. "I mean, I'll check, but I doubt it. "I don't think. "Hey, it's me again." What-- you ever get that call ladies? "Hey, it's me again." Like, yeah, I know, dummy. You're in my contacts. It says "Idiot" with a skull. You're as bad as your mom. (audience laughing) "Hey, it's me again. "Yeah they don't have 2% "unleaded, non-dairy, free-range milk. (audience laughing) "Just milk. "I mean, I'll check, but I doubt it. "I don't think they-- "hey, it's me again. "Yeah, they don't have Just milk, "but they have Borden's. "Well, I didn't know it wasn't "a brand. "Say that next time." Y'all, I spent 20 minutes looking for milk made by the Just company. (audience laughing) I am stupid. I was like, "oh, let's see-- "Oak Farms, Borden's. "Sir, do y'all have Just milk?" And the dude goes, man, it's all just milk. (audience laughing) "Oh. "Yeah, don't tell her that. "Oh-ho-ho." (audience laughing) It got so bad, right? Like, I have a Samsung and my wife has-- she gave me her iPhone so we can FaceTime at the grocery store. I look like a fool when I'm grocery shopping. I'm like, "all right, baby, you just "tell me when to stop. "I'll just-- tell me "what aisle you want here. "Let me see-- what? "Where? Huh? "Which shoulder? Point. "Well then you come next time." (audience laughing) And ladies, don't not answer your phone, OK? I'm not going home with the wrong stuff again. I've made that mistake once. I'll never do that again. I'll wait. There's been times I'm like Tom Hanks in Castaway, just hanging out in the fruit section growing a beard, drawing faces on cantaloupes. "I hope she calls, Wilson. "I hope she calls. "I'm not going home with-- "I made that mistake one time." She sent me to the store and I bought those generic tampons-- those Equate tampons? I didn't know they were made of asbestos. I had no idea. That was--