Armchair Anonymous: Pooped Yourself | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

welcome welcome welcome to armchair Anonymous I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Mrs Mouse hi this is my favorite topic pooped yourself you did Doodles in your pants big old time pooped it yeah you didn't [ __ ] the bed but you [ __ ] your pants yeah or I guess there was not everyone was wearing pants there was a bed [ __ ] though yeah yeah you're right I guess it waso Easter egg foreshadowing I'm inclined to say if you got this far then you're going to be fine there's no blood or animal cruelty this can listen to this is this is oldfashioned poop in your pants you know so if you can handle that if you made it through last week you can handle anything right and they may not have and they were advised not to so I guess welcome back please enjoy poop yourself come and go good times take them slow my life I had them both one thing you got to know pooped yourself great we like this prompt Austin's a good name it's a great City Austin Tex what did you say he thinks it's a boy oh know also would be a cute girl name we like boys guests for arm chair Anonymous that's true if few were in farther between hello hi is this Austin this is Austin how you doing wonderful how are you I'm good it's so good to see you guys have you ever met a female Austin actually back in the school where this takes place there's a couple of them but not since then nice there were a couple yeah you know it's funny I was always told I was named after that song If this is Austin I only realized when I was like 20 that song came out way after I was yeah I was like that's like an old song at all yeah total [ __ ] yeah okay so tell tell us about the time and place that this hoody and your pant story occurred okay so it takes place in New Orleans Louisiana where I grew up could we agree probably per capita more pant [ __ ] happening there than almost anywhere in the country I can only speak for myself but it's up there okay so it's probably takes place 2004 2005 I'm like 10 or 11 at the time at my school down there in jeon Parish first and foremost I was obsessed with this girl we'll call her Mandy she's a player in the story okay Mandy I was a really really hyperactive kid so I had a very strict teacher who everything was really intense I just sit still at my desk I had to pay attention she wasn't having it but the one area that she was kind of lacked was she let you go to the bathroom I would use and abuse this privilege as often as I could every day I had to go to the bathroom and the bathroom was way down the hall so I could be gone for like 15 20 minutes just letting that like weird energy out and come back and feel better yeah freak out a bit in the stall yeah just touch stuff I'm not supposed to touch be where I'm not supposed to be yeah yeah I cried wolf a lot eventually it CAU up to me so one day it hits me I'm sitting on my desk I actually do have to go to the restroom I walk up to my teacher like hey I have to go to the restroom and unfortunately that's when she realized she's completely had enough she's like no boy go sit down I'm not letting you go I was like man okay and you know how these things go with the cumulative so first I think I'm fine so I go sit at my desk I sit there for a little bit I'm like okay it's getting worse I really need to go to the bathroom and I go up want to say two or three times finally I go up and I'm like hey I really need to go to the restroom like now and I think she must have seen it in my face because she was like I'll let you go when Mandy gets back with the hall pass you can get the hall pass from her and then I'll let you go to the bathroom Mandy herself was dealing with some stuff almost for to know you're going to get to go it really is it's like have you ever seen your house when you really have to go to the restroom and then the feeling becomes so much more urgent it's just like that yes knowing that you're just this restroom pass away minutes away maybe some false hope for your Bots I'm already mad at Mandy no she did nothing wrong I think she was out there in good faith using the restroom so as soon as I sit back down at my desk I realized immediately I'm not going to make it oh I kind of started thinking about my options this wave of calm kind of came over me because I had what I thought was like a pretty fullprof plant I'm wearing some really tight tidy whes and I've got like a big oversized Jeff Gordon leather jacket on my shoulders wonderful Jeff Gordon ascar here we go 24 baby and I'm thinking about it and I'm like okay my plan is I'm going to relieve myself at my desk wow very quietly yeah and then I'm going to get up I'm going to tie my big jacket around my waist so no one can see the Bulge in the back of my pants I'm going to get the hall pass I'm going to go to the bathroom mix the underwear the poop come back and just stride back into class no one's going to know Bob's your uncle you're now raw dog in your jeans but who will know and who cares did I miss how old are you at the time of 10 11 just old enough to where you don't need [ __ ] in yourself in public sure yeah and also young enough that this plan's going to work out exactly because are you not thinking you're also going to pee your pants when you poop presumably or I would really I don't remember urine being a factor here it certainly doesn't factor in the story not to say I didn't dribble in my pants a little bit but nothing that I can remember Okay so the plan foolproof the execution lacking come to find out I can see Mandy coming down the hallway through the glass and the door and so I lean forward I releas myself at my desk probably more obvious than I realized at the time also really quick you see Mandy I'm thinking no we go back to plan A go to the toilet but no you were married to now Plan B I thought there was no problems no holes I was like we're already here I'm still not going to make it to the bathroom I figured the timing was right I Rel Leave myself I'm sitting there it's a long walk down the hall I'm kind of just bopping around she finally gets to the door I stand up I tie the jacket around my waist and I walk up to the front of the class and as she's handing me the hall pass I hear this Collective gasp of like 30 kids my teacher everyone oh no I hate this Mandy looks me up and down ankles to shoulders and it's horrifying there's no question for her you have defecated in your clothing % so I came up with this plan knowing it was going to be pretty firm coming out you can see all these things I didn't factor in was while I was waiting and bopping around I compressed it into a pretty small little baseball in my shorts it rolled out of my elastic waistband and exploded on the ground behind me no oh no like a snowball like a snowball I'm talking like back of the ankle oh and you didn't feel it I could feel it shifting around but I don't know if I was Eyes On The Pride but it was just the groans and everyone being horrified in the class that's what queued me off that I had just taken a crap on the floor in front of 30 kids it wasn't the smell I thought that everyone was reacting to the smell the physicality of a poop expion yeah it rolled down my leg and exploded on the carpet and everyone thought I was right in front of the class wait were you wearing shorts I was wearing shorts oh so they saw the leg roll I'm really mad at your teacher I hope she feels like [ __ ] but he was abused I know it doesn't matter when it's bathroom you can't do that I was definitely taking advantage you're being very nice it's true I remember they put me in these big oversized you know like adult-sized sweatpants they make you wear for the rest of the day they had to bring in some janitor who doesn't make enough money by the way and I justed to watch her clean up the species on the floor and I like beg to be taken out of school by my mom she's like absolutely not she wouldn't take me out mom the next day I had to go back and my friends they trying to Hype me up they're like dude no one even remembers that like it never happen oh boy I was telling my friends this story years later in a moment of synchronicity Mandy added me on Facebook as I'm telling my friends about it maybe an hour or to later and so I was like man wouldn't it be funny if I send her the poop emoji be like hey don't you remember that I sent it to her and I was promptly unfriended oh she did not think that was Mandy that was a good deating of you very good wow all the women in the story suck the teacher your mom Mandy well I guess it says a lot to your recovery from the episode that you would years later feel confident enough to send her the poop emoji yeah I thought she would think it's funny but now that I know she unfriended me after I think maybe she didn't remember who I was and then it soon as she saw it she was like oh yeah never mind well there's yeah there's a couple things one was like she didn't remember that you did that yeah and just is like what a juvenile thing to send another thing would be like God this guy like staring at me [ __ ] in front of me and now he's sending me this guy loves poop gross oh my God like now it's not even an accident now she goes back in time and says like oh he forced him yeah it's a kink yeah well hopefully this gives her some closure cuz from her perspective I guess she came back to class and some kid had just taken a dump in front of everybody oh my Lord did anyone call you any bad names or anything afterwards or did it blow over it blew over eventually I don't remember any bullying from it but it was hanging in the air for I would imagine a week or two after d yeah cuz I think in my school you would have never heard the end of that I think you would have been a senior there'd be still a nickname okay for any parents out there who have kids who poop their pants pull them out of school well first of all yes change schools move towns secondly now you can point to Austin cuz Austin turned out very well we can tell he's very cute confident nice exactly thank you guys so you can grow up and still have a fine life yeah absolutely maybe even Thrive maybe even maybe even it all worked out brought me here I love the show hit and Run's amazing oh thank you really quick one last question did they evacuate pun intended the classroom once the py was on the floor no we all stood there and watched the joral F oh my God no one knows what they're doing so many mistakes yeah cuz if I'm a innocent ier I'm like I don't need to sit in this room with a live [ __ ] while we wait for gal to come down with the mop oh also carpet carp it [ __ ] they're scrubbing yeah this is rough oh well thank you Austin yeah really appreciate it great meeting you great to meet you guys all right take care brother kid wins are hard I'm just mad at everyone else I understand they're so innocent they don't know what they're doing they come up with plans like just poop your pants cover it with your Gordon jacket in your shorts yeah shorts no less he had so much confidence in the tightness of those whes unfortunately they're much looser than people think also I can't believe he was so bold that it was not going to get loose because sometimes you do have a very robust log but then just on the back side of that well exactly is mush he didn't know yet but also they shouldn't call it tidy whes because that's why kids like him can get confused Lucy whes all right let's talk to Shantel Shantel Shantel shance shance shant Shantel that's what I'm going to say to Shantel oh Sean I'm GNA say shant Shantel is that hello that's turn turn to the left sh I don't know that the songong that's what they're saying I think so shance shance hello hi oh my God you guys are so beautiful so beautiful are you in the midwest I'm in Ontario Canada we love look that's kind of the Midwest yeah my geography is not good you're on the same longitude as Michigan is and we call that the Midwest but that's not a geography issue on your end no one says Ontario's in the midwest you're right but I was just really looking at the architecture of the window behind you and it looked very Michigan we live actually in a small town between Ottawa and Kingston so the house was built in the 70s like it's very groovy lot of wood and brick believe it or not I love wooden brick remember when four sides brick was huge what's four sides brick oh maybe that was a Suburban thing but if your house was four sides brick you'd pay extra for that instead of brick up front and then like aluminum siding in back one side brick just forward facing brick do you know about that no do you Shantel yeah our entire house is all brick but do you know this term foresight brick no yes foursided brick you know it but us three don't know well you didn't grow up in the suburbs maybe it's not a Midwest thing probably not the three of you are on Midwest and how did you end up with such a name from Ontario Oh my God my dad would be mortified but I have to tell that story yes so my dad had a crush on a girl that came from Quebec her name was Shantel he was like obsessed with her in high school and he's a twin so like both twins loved this girl oh years go on and my mom gets pregnant with me and So He suggests this name and I come to find out from my dad's youngest brother that I was actually named after the crush and my mom was like you're joking and my dad instantly like read was like uhoh busted so I'm named after his Crush okay so that was a aene story for your father but now we're going to transition into one for you yeah he also partakes in this too dad's everywhere he's male so sure it actually happened about a year ago my son was 6 months old and I didn't actually like venture out very much to places unless I was like walking and I decided today was the day I was going to drive to the grocery store the grocery store is about 5 to 3 minutes away depending on traffic and load them up I finish my morning coffee give it it's grace period make it to the grocery store pull in and all of a sudden I get this like weird pain in my belly and I'm like this is fine so I go into the grocery store continue shopping around and then all of a sudden it comes on full where it's like you have like a couple minutes to like maybe go to the washroom like you don't want to fart so I was like oh we got to get out of here but I know full well that the grocery store has a washroom so I go to the checkout and I normally do self checkout I didn't that day because it was actually relatively busy so I go to the cashier and she takes her sweet time time really slows down like a car accident and you're trying to like not sweat and I'm just like oh my God and not be rude either because I'm like this isn't the lady's issue this is mine and so we finish up and I wield the cart and I know that the cart and my son and I will all fit and at this point my body is starting to relax because I'm like ready to sit and [ __ ] it's happening I'm going to be fine I'm going to make it and I did not because a lovely gentleman cut across from me literally walked in made direct eye contact and was like I'm so sorry and shut the door oh said I'm so sorry and I was like okay yeah uh great so I like turn the card around and at this point I am praying to the butthole gods that we can hold it in till I leave the grocery store oh a foot away from Freedom that doesn't happen oh I barely make it to the doors and I'm wearing leggings and so it just starts coming out of me like molten lava oh okay I look down and there is a [ __ ] goer like it's just a massive Mass of poo on the side of my leg in the leggings oh like a balloon an interesting it's not a balloon it's a solid piece of poo oh oh my God it's a growth on my leg at this point okay and where has it landed on your leg on the back of your thigh the inner thigh the upper thigh right above my knee so at this point like as I'm walking to the car I am still [ __ ] oh as it's coming out it's pushing down for whatever reason on my my left side and this goer is like blocking it so it's like building up oh D I get to the car I put my son in who is kind of like starting to pick up on my emotions very intuitive oh my God he is so I put my groceries in the car and I'm like okay what am I going to do so I have cloth seats in my car so I grab a reusable grocery bag put it on the seat and all of a sudden another wind of like [ __ ] hits me and it just starts coming through I don't even know what I ate from the day before can I ask one detail question at any point do you surrender the fact you're [ __ ] your pants and push cuz I could imagine you're like well damage is done I'm going to push and get the rest out so there was no pushing but there literally was the moment of when I was like oh well how bad can this get and it kept getting worse it did can I throw another just this is a public service announcement don't forget about your floor mats guys The Backs side of your floor mats are always rubber so you can always pop those on your seat in case you have a duty in your pants or yarn that's smart but I like like what you did with the bag it's good but the rubber barrier is really nice in this situation it would make sense because like the Poo as it was coming out was kind of like slipping off of the top of the bag so it was not even worth it so absolutely Dax that makes total sense okay great so I'm driving I call my husband he's in a meeting but maybe he'll answer so I call hold on hold it's an emergency she tell why do we have to call your husband in a meeting like what the [ __ ] is he going to do you just are excited to tell him sound like him like he can't help in any way it's your person I know like it's a long shot in the dark like you're not coming home but I need to tell someone so I call him and he's like hey honey what's wrong and I was like I just [ __ ] my pants and it was like silence and he's like I don't know what to tell you but this is a really shitty situation and I love you and goodbye I really don't know what to do now and like my son is crying in the back oh no what I didn't mention is that I lived in an apartment building so I needed like a game plan you got to re-enter and potentially a public space yeah so thankfully I called my parents who actually lived in the same apartment building here comes dad he said you are not living up to your name Chantel no so I called my mom and I'm like hey I just [ __ ] my pants and she's like okay and I was like can you come down and grab the groceries and your grandson and just help me render the situation and she's like yeah of course but we're not at the building and I was like oh great where are you and she's like we're at the trailer park and that trailer park is like 15 to 20 minutes away and I'm like okay and she's like but we will be right there and all I hear is her yell to my dad berie Chantel sh her pants he was just like okay and then she hung up the phone they sprang into action this is what the husband should have done he was at work Monica his work isn't as important Monica I love you so I pull into the parking lot of of the apartment and I am like what am I going to do I need to kind of figure out how to even get myself out of this car Sun still crying and I'm like this is great I'm just feeling over stimulated I look over and there's a self-served car wash and I was like at this moment this feels like the right time to go over and maybe render this situation so I text my mom and I'm like meet me at the car wash and all I got was like K so I go over to the car wash thankfully no one was in there I'm like how am I going to do this in high school I heard from one of my teachers that if you use a pressure washer on your skin you could die and I'm having this thing run through my brain of like am I going to cut my leg off and just die and my child is going to be traumatized the fact over her mom [ __ ] her pants and died this whole thing is running your femoral artery you can with a power washer tear your skin just another PSA the second one okay so it is true so cuz I was like is this true like I don't know so I'm staring at the settings and I'm like what what am I going to choose and your game plan at this point is you're going to drop trial at this coin operated car wash and be nude from the waist down and spray all the duty off of yourself yeah for whatever reason it took my brain a really long time to get to that because I'm afraid I'm going to cut myself I have my yoga pants still on like my leggings and I'm just squeegeeing oh the PO okay I think the goers are going to fit out of the tiny little circle it's so big like it's bulging at the bottom of my leg so you're smashing it into your leg I am it was literally the most disgusting thing and I'm like what is happening right now what is happening why didn't you just go into your house I don't understand I was afraid to walk through the apartment with someone seeing meow and she to be carrying her child the mom at this point is there so I feel like at this point well Mom's not there yet is she No so at this point I dropped my browsers and you're in public I'm in public yeah which is somehow better than walking through the apartment I know I know the brain is a tricky Place wild I'm looking around and I'm like oh my God what am I going to do and then I look up and my parents have come in just absolute Saving Grace my dad gets out of the car and he's wearing this bright orange shirt and my mom she is wearing a lime green sweater and I'm like you guys are drawing more attention and so my mom comes over and she's like what can I do and I said can you just take thater out and just I can't I'm starting to get teared up because I see my mama and I'm just like Mommy yeah you're a baby now cuz you poop your pants poop your pants too my mom takes my son and my dad comes around and he's like what do you need me to do and I was like at this point I have no change he's like I have changed how much is it it's like $3 he goes over can't believe you guys are committ see this through they just jump right into the bad plan yeah and he goes what setting do you want his hand hand goes out and he's like just give me the thing so I hand over the pole and he takes it and I turn around and he starts pressure washing my 32-year-old ass you know what I got to throw out too what's really great is this is so telling of children and parents which is like you have your pants down your spraying poop off yourself yet you're embarrassed for them that they're in Orange like this would happen to me too they p you're like oh my God how embarrassing you're actively nude in public spraying poop off yourself but somehow you still have the high you have the cool know but actually when I was retelling the story I realized too that I am so grateful that I could actually call my parents to help me one of my girlfriends is like my dad would never see me buck naked but without hesitation they both were like what do you need it was so beautiful to see I was very thankful but also extremely embarrassed yeah it's kind of Life affirming and I would certainly spray my daughter's at any age if they had you've made it clear that you'll do that yeah I'm the guy the call for that yeah for sure do you just pull your leggings back up once all the sprayings done oh no sorry I should mention that so I took the grocery bag off the seat put my disgusting pants my shoes and literally hand it to my dad and he takes it like a mob boss and drops it in the garbage and gets back in the truck and my mom literally looks at me and she goes you don't have any pants on she's like well I have my sweater and I was like let's do it so I put the sweater on I tie it I zip it up I drive myself back to the apartment it's like two seconds away dad's there I Pop the trunk he gets the groceries out mom grabs my son and what I didn't mention was that I worked at the time for the company who owned the apartment building and that apartment building always had a property manager at it that would come in and out just to make sure that everything was running securely and when I looked over I saw the man's truck and I was like please for the love of God I do not want to see anyone I know right now this is the last thing I need and sure as [ __ ] when I got out of that car and I walked around the corner there was Bob just hey Shantel how are you and I was like Hey and he's like look at you like look at the baby and I'm just like this is the most uncomfortable situation and it was like as soon as he walked up to me he could smell like the look on his face and he was like I hope you have a good night oh he cut it short good yeah but you had a baby I would just blame it on it's like the obvious thing is that the baby obviously poop it may have as well I mean in solidarity yeah wow it is funny when you're in a situation like that to become hostile at someone's kindness It's such a unique feeling when you're like oh my God not [ __ ] time to be nice to me just get out of here you piece of [ __ ] can really you're like the toer in my pants the goer I get up to the apartment and my dad's already put away my groceries and I hop in the shower and Monica I can confirm that I got in ass to the water and was like just clean me so I figured you needed to know that I do research so it was ass to the water tears laughter and then I got out and finally my husband came home that night and I told him the final ending of the story and he goes you know they have cameras at these things and I was like oh great and he goes it's going to float around the internet and I was like or like someone's going to get a really good laugh about it no one's ever watching those unless there's a murder there and they go review it so I was on your husband's side when you called him in the meeting and now I'm not on his side for this reaction exactly he should have been comforting you so sorry I was busy Bo that's a lot to go through don't worry no one saw you're good but he chose another route rough so one de Merit for him and one pass that was great yes thank you Shantel thank you for sharing that it was your whole morning really it wasn't just isolated it became a whole Adventure it was AB absolutely insane I bet the whole family felt closer though after that yeah all right wonderful meeting you jantel bye thanks guys hello Hi how are you guys hi there you're great oh yeah we can hear you perfectly and you're you're a big a little a r o n so I immediately feel comfortable of course cute shirt you like that yes arm Cherry shirt for The Listener I don't think it's an official one we're not haters whatever it takes okay Aaron tell us what happened where and when paint a picture for us so I work for a car company in Southern California and I was out on a business trip back East we were meeting with another car company that tests cars for us basically like a half day meeting with them and they were nice enough to provide lunch at the end of this meeting and I ordered the reuben sandwich love a Reuben mhm Reuben didn't end up loving me okay I've never been double crossed by a Reuben by the way I've had him all over the place I didn't know that was something we got to watch out for maybe it's a sauerkraut was tainted it's possible so we left this meeting and since this company drives the roads around that area we thought it would be a good idea since our cars are evaluated on those roads that we would go out and drive those roads so we were out driving for maybe like an hour then everybody wanted to have a wrap-up meeting you know to discuss everything that happened that day we were kind of driving in this really rural State Park I found this really cool park right off the side of the road like along a river it was like this idyllic little place to have a meeting right there's a picnic table in this big green grassy area seemed wonderful at the time we sat down at the picnic table and I was there with my five or six other co-workers including my boss and probably there for 10 minutes or so and I start to get gassy okay okay I'm thinking I'll just subtly fart yeah it'll be no problem you're outside you're telling yourself we're outside of course 10 more minutes go by I'm pretty uncomfortable at this point I kind of abruptly get up from the table I'm like I'm not feeling well guys and I start to get into panic mode of what am I going to do here because things are happening there are no facilities here as far as I can tell no Porter potty no trash can even oh no I'm trying to figure out what to do I'm kind of panicking can I ask quickly are there Woods close enough that you could go find some privacy okay you're not in a 5 acre flat grassy field luckily luckily no I did make my way to the woods though as I was making my way to the woods I saw this doggy bag that was used on the ground oh oh oh pied up the doggy bag oh wow wow great I'm going for all the resources I can at this point oh my God this is our brain and panic mode least bad choice at all even if it's the worst bad choice you'll do it I need options at this point oh my God so I'm not quite to the woods yet and everything happens I'm fully [ __ ] my pants oh are you wearing khakis you're on a business trip yeah they're khakis but I'm wearing or briefs so things are pretty well contained oh that's a blessing I still have to deal with this though so I still keep going into the woods get behind the biggest tree I could find and I start taking off all my clothes so take off my shoes take off my socks take off the pants take off the underwear clean up as best as I can with the good side of the underwear throw the pants back on did you consider taking off a sock cuz I've had to do that socks always a great another Public Service Announcement your socks are there I hadn't consider that but it would have been good too so then I threw my clothes back on so I was no longer naked in front of my co-workers behind the tree threw that nasty underwear into the doggy bag was it tied up it wasn't someone had just kind of discarded it mix messages conscientious enough to bring a bag but then leave it behind very confusing well as I mentioned there did not appear to be a trash can so they may have wanted to but didn't want to bring it in their car with them now you're in this situation oh I just left it behind Okay so now I emerg from the trees the meeting is clearly breaking up now people are going back to the cars I don't know if it was because of me but you know they were like okay this meeting's over we up into the car and I immediately realized three things the first is that I can still smell [ __ ] Fu which means that my boss and my other coworker can still smell [ __ ] oh [ __ ] this is torture it gets worse okay the second thing is that we're still a long way from anywhere and the third thing is that this is definitely not over yet no oh no God I thought the worst of it had happened I thought the doggy bag was going to be the Pinnacle I tell my boss I say I need to get to a bathroom we're driving to get back to a civilization and once we get back to civilization I'm like okay there's a Dunkin Donuts East Coast staple they'll have a bathroom no problem it was a drive-thru only so no public restroom I'm starting to panic again it's still coming on so now we go to the grocery store across the street and like a grocery store has to have a bathroom so I hop out of the passenger seat pretty much while the car was still moving I book it in there I ask a clerk I was like where's the bathroom and they're like it's in the opposite corner from where you are right now so I had to go as far as I possibly good well I made it to the door of the bathroom before I fully evacuated again again again again no and you didn't even have any underwear and khakis no underwear oh this is terrible oh [ __ ] luckily it was no one in the bathroom kind of had the bathroom to myself to clean myself and more importantly my pants up so I probably in there for it had to be like 20 minutes at least oh God they're all in the car any like fantasies you had of promotions and leading a team like they're all evaporating real time you're like okay I'm now this guy at the company like I guess I have to quit oh my God I need new career so I cleaned up and I went back out to the car and now I smell like even worse [ __ ] oh I had to go into the trunk and luckily we were going to another hotel that night so I had all my clothes in the back of the car oh thank God so grab some clothes like sorry guys I got to run back in I go back in and on my way back I decided to grab one of those produce bags cuz I had to pass by the produce department to get to the restroom you love a bag you never ever pass over a bag exactly you never pass over a bathroom anymore either oh I go and I get changed I throw the pants into the produce bag double bag it go back out to the car and get into the car and now I realize that maybe shorts was a bad choice cuz now I'm in a dress shirt dress socks and dress shoes and shorts I look like I just [ __ ] my pants yeah another explanation so now we drive to this hotel which is another 20 minutes away get to the hotel and we're getting all our crap out of the car now they're like okay let's lock up the car and it's now that I realize that I can't lock the car because my keys have been in the pocket of the [ __ ] pants the entire time so now the keys to the car are double bagged inside of the [ __ ] bag wow this is epic making every wrong move but I had the bag at least okay so you crack that open you dig around in there you get the keys so I had to go into the bathroom there got the keys out locked the car up couple side notes one is that the next day we actually went back out to the same route again drove it again and as we pass by that same park my boss just says kind of under his ref back to the scene of the crime I was like well clearly I hadn't gotten away with anything everybody knew exactly what was going on the entire time it seems I think I would have said that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah try to make some honestly it's kind of like let some air out yes and they were really inconvenienced by this too oh my God yeah they added an hour to their day I'm sure they were like trying to hit that Hotel bar and they like my God what's he doing in there just [ __ ] [ __ ] and be done with it oh my God you still work for the same company I do this was about a year ago is get brought up no they're only going to find out because of this okay nothing was ever said between me and the two other guys including my boss just that passian comment they sat with the smell I know that's what I'm saying there's a lot everyone went through a lot that day don't you think this is all in retrospect no one can know what it's like when you're in this situation but I feel like it would have been like can you guys ride with somebody else back because I'm having an issue wouldn't that be a good plan was there enough cars to accommodate that kind of Shuffle yeah but we were all going to different places it wasn't really practical I feel like I would have volunteered to ride in the trunk that's how codependent I am I think i' would have been like either find me a motorcycle or let me in the trunk I'm going to hitchhike home I'll figure out my way do you guys just get out of here I would rather have to walk a 100 miles than to sit with you guys in my shame oh wow oh Aaron you survived congratulations you really got tested one other quick side note is that the very next day the AR Anonymous was I poop myself at work oh no I've been waiting over a year for a poop prompt and was that comforting to hear that the next day like yeah I'm just one of the guys or gals it did feel comforting but it was also very ironic and triggering oh Lord thanks for sharing that yeah yeah thank you all right take care bye you know whenever we do these props it just brings up so many of my poop stories yeah my own personal I had diarrhea the other day you did not in my pants not in your pants that's the key like I guess that's the point I was thinking when he was in the field I know I told you this but we were up at the Shark Tank in San Jose doing some kind of a car show or in this field I've used the bathroom before I'm going to [ __ ] myself I cross this park I go to the public bathroom and I've told my body it's go time and I pull the handle and it's locked they lock it at 5: M is in the middle of San Jose so so even in this park that's wooded it's still a public park I wander down into this Ravine with some tree cover I lean against a tree I'm having at it and I'm like what on Earth am I going to wipe with there was a bag of cotton balls sitting in the woods oh my God ew and someone else had already pooped in the same spot I was pooping and how do you know you saw poop i saw poop right next to the tree I was like okay this happens my God and use cotton balls all over I don't remember I saw use cotton balls but I left a pile of cotton balls behind cuz wiping your butt with cotton balls you need to use so many cotton balls so many yes and I did and I littered and I'm sorry it's okay I was so panicked and desperate and I was in my workoutfit my khaki pants my purple shirt that makes sense the cottonball say it's still like H you can't overthink it but the dog poop bag is really desperate I thought when he first said he was grabbing the dog poop bag that he was intending to on it poop in it yeah exactly and make a double poop on top of the dog no just poop in the outdoors that's okay once in a while we can't have everyone doing it but the forest can absorb the occasional emergency that's right okay that was another PSA heavy on PSA this is a very educational program yeah all right here's Beth hi hello it is so nice to see you guys nice to meet meet you where are you at Beth I am in Chattanooga Tennessee o oh that's where you I know it well well Memphis but nearby people might not know this but Chattanooga very good conversion van industry down there I did not know that it's best that you've had no experience with conversion van to be honest okay so you had an accident what time and place did this happen Okay this story takes place on the day that I got married oh no no this was back in 2012 the story starts there it was a great wedding day although it was raining and they say that that's good luck but I'm here to tell you that it's definitely not good luck to have it rain on your wedding day so everything went beautifully without a hitch we get married everything was lovely and we get into the getaway vehicle and we start down the road and about halfway down the road I start to feel like sweaty my hand ER clamy I'm feeling a little bit nauseated and I'm like okay this is probably just post weding Jitters if that's a thing sure how much had you drank actually none so that wasn't a factor so I was just thinking you know this will go away it's fine it doesn't I told my husband his name is Ben say Ben we need to pull over on the side of the road I need you to unloose some of these button hooks on the back of my dress my dress had previously been a little loose that morning and all of a sudden it felt like it was suffocating me and I'm like I've got to get some breathing room in here the only thing we have cuz my husband's fingers couldn't do the loops was like the end of a pen cap so he's sitting there unlooping all the way down and then there's a zipper too so it unzip I'm like okay you know what I feel better so we continue on we're going to stay at this cute little historic in downtown Chattanooga we're super excited we get there the woman that runs the facility opens the door she wants to take us on this full tour oh no the first room or two in I'm like okay I'm really not feeling good I start sweating again I'm getting clammy I'm like I need a bathroom so I have to like interrupt her she's like look at this great room I'm like ma'am I'm so sorry I have got to use the bathroom she like points me down the hallway where our room is and I literally take off running and I barely make it to the toilet and I throw up oh no all of the contents of our wedding meal like every bit of it into the toilet the next 4 hours are spent with me just profusely vomiting so I tell Ben look we're supposed to fly out of Atlanta to the Dominican Republic tomorrow morning I'm not going to be able to make this flight if I'm like this so we need to get to the emergency room so I can get some fluids I knew I was super dehydrated so we decided to do that and it also occurs to me there was a stomach bug that was going through my husband's side of the family the whole week prior to our wedding we thought it had skipped us it clearly had not well that's better than the alternative which is you all ate the same food and everyone's been poisoned at your wedding food that was kind of our first thought and then we're like no that's not it we actually spend the whole entire first night of our honeymoon at the ER that's actually where I found out that I have a bad reaction to fineran so interesting way to find that out what's fineran finan it's a anti nausea medication okay makes me a little bit crazy what version of crazy just antsy and uncomfortable restless legs I could not stay still Ben was trying to sleep in the chair next to me I kept like flailing and hitting him in the face oh my God he's like this is the rest of my life yeah it was awful so they discharge Us in perfect amount of time to be able to get to the airport to fly to the Dominican Republic we get to the airport we fly the Dominican I'm still feeling not great I'm still having to get up to go to the bathroom and throw up really quick not to embarrass you but no diarrhea yet it's just vom no diarrhea yet this is all northward explosion we get to our room it's later on in the evening you know this is the next day I'm feeling slightly better but still not 100% and we had spent extra money on this room and it was this beautiful two level room there was a rooftop Terrace beautiful view overlooking the ocean there was a pool on the rooftop Terrace a beautiful white day bed right by the pool and a shower so that night I'm feeling a little bit better and my husband's like we should sleep upstairs on the rooftop Terrace on this white day bed I'm like yeah that's a great idea feeling a little better let's do it I love how many times you've said white B bed yeah I love it forh yes it's really good it might mean nothing so I'm feeling kind of sexy you know I put on this laundry it's a black teddy with an open B oh I'm feeling it so we get to the Rooftop ter we finish fooling around we start drifting to sleep we're cuddled up together so I'm the little spoon so my backside is to my husband who is naked and he's the big SPO on this day bed and it's backless let's remember there's nothing going on under there we start drifting off to sleep and I feel this little urge to fart sure and we're at this point in our relationship where we haven't farted in front of each other yet oh even though you're married some Les don't do that yeah no judgment just interesting shock shock and a that has changed we're laying there I make sure that he's asleep right before I let this fart go he's asleep I'm like okay I'm good I'm outside what's the worst that can happen so I let it go and I let it go and it was not a fart by any means it was a massive explosion no of diarrhea oh no no no no no projecting oh God all over his private part his groin area oh yeah oh penis and testicle we would never even be so audacious to have a prompt of tell us the time you've [ __ ] on someone's penis and balls but this I love this so much I'm screaming at this point oh and Ben wakes up to the screaming he's still kind of in a stoer you know like he was dead asleep and I start screaming I pooped I pooped I pooped like just yelling it as loud as I can hotel security is going to come then fully realizes what happened and he looks down and he's laying in this pool of poo then he starts yelling so we're both yelling on this rooftop Terrace we finally calm ourselves down and he is so chivalrous I married such a sweet man he's like go ahead go downstairs clean yourself up I'll clean all of this up it's okay so I do and we eventually go back to sleep but he gets sick the next day yeah of course of course he does the interesting thing about this room is that we actually had two bathrooms but over the course of the first 24 hours the second toilet stopped working so we were fighting each other for the one bathroom our days consisted of us taking long walks down to the beach and I say long because we'd have to stop at all the bathrooms on the way God we lay out on the Cabana fall asleep cuz we're so exhausted and then a long walk back this could have been a part of the bad honeymoon prompt too true yes that is how our honeymoon literally went down the toilet oh my God had everyone cleared through it by the end of the trip or did you guys return home with him still battling it so our honeymoon was 5 days and it took the full five days oh God I don't know what kind of virus this was but it was like monz Zuma's Revenge I have never had anything like this before some of our family members they were supposed to be flying back home from our wedding and they had to delay their flights for like 3 days so it was like intense but we were fine by the time we flew back we both lost 10 lbs oh my God we don't have qualms about any of that stuff anymore you know we'll open the door and just talk to each other as we're pooping like hey kind of also a loving story it's sweet there's something about it I find very sweet the day bed's trashed though right I mean how good of a job he didn't have a power washer or bleach he just threw some pool water oh okay resourceful I'm hoping they sanitize that stuff but I guess I don't know Monica's I know bigest fear I know wow that's a great story thank you you guys are my favorite I've been in arm Cherry since literally day one my husband and I both have and I was wondering if I could introduce you to my husband and my son this Valiant man yes of course let's get him in okay Ben come on in and if you can hear me we were at the armchair live in Nashville and it was on that trip we actually decided we wanted to have kids previously we decided we didn't so when we were trying to figure out names for our son we chose Shepherd and named him shepher after you and oh my God that is so s oh there's a little shepher he kind of looks like you Dax hi there poor little buddy he broke his femur a couple weeks ago so he's in a full spika cast it's like full body you're a nurse I'm gathering yes trampoline bouncy house bouncy housec talking about bouncy houses I was saying they're dangerous you say hi hi he's a rascal I can see hey well done cleaning up that day bed with the pool water roll up your sleeves I was in it at that point ring was on my finger that's right that's right for better or worse and started with the worst through sickness and health we really proved that one out of the gate oh that's so good well it's such a pleasure to meet such a beautiful family thank you it is so nice to meet you guys we love y'all I hope you have a great rest of your day oh thank you bye feel better Shepherd he's a rascal I knew it oh my God he's so cute oh my God that guy was hot I [Laughter] know got [ __ ] on and oh my God stands by his woman also that's like your fantasy I know I was thinking that's what I was literally thinking you would have been so horny on that God you wouldn't even clean the bed up roll around in the bed leave it you would have looked at him and said your turn oh they always deliver I don't know why we don't do it more often this is really fun we can't do it every time I mean I know you do right now it seems like we're doing it yearly but I think we could handle semiannually is that the word we're doing it more than yearly personally I think we had been doing it like every other month at first and then we burned out and ran out of places to poop well we're back baby so buckle up for maybe twice a year they're so good they're great nothing enacts my sense of empathy more when they start seeing their hands are sweating and stuff I am there me too more than any of these other stories yeah it was fun all right love you love you do you want to sing a tune or something we have a theme song oh okay great we don't have a them song for this new show so here I go go go we're going to ask some random questions and with the help of arm cherries we'll get some suggestions on the Fly rhy dish on the Fly rhy enjoy