Max Greenfield | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

welcome welcome welcome to armchair expert my name is Maximus Shepard and I'm joined by Maximus Mouse Hello we now have a shared name well I thought you were the boulder oh yeah um thank you for bringing that up thank you you're welcome do I regret it I don't know is that it made it through the edits do people know that already we said it on an intro once I think but we haven't really made it regs maybe you should repeat it okay so just real quick I'm trying my hardest to start a war with Dwayne Johnson The Rock peaceful War I'm doing it cuz he is a much bigger star than me and he's physically Superior to me so I feel like I'm punching up you know a little bit and I really like him and I want him to do the show and he has been reluctant to do so so my method I tag him in these videos I make inside of my really really really shitty Home garage gym that has black mold all over it cuz his gym is called iron paradise and it's [ __ ] a mecca for weightlifting and black mold Paradise is also a Mecca sure it's a different and I tag him and I have named myself now the boulder yeah because a boulder is much bigger than a rock yeah yeah okay so anyways that's why I'm the Boulder so weird you're reminding me because you hate it but but I appreciate it okay today's guest is a personal friend of mine and [ __ ] a it I have a riot talking to him this was one of the funniest episodes in a while he has a couple of [ __ ] Show Business stories that just had me on the floor Max Greenfield I [ __ ] love him so much or buddies he is an Emmy nominated actor you met him on the new girl he currently stars in the neighborhood he has a new book out that is fantastic and he gave it to us when he left and my daughters and I read it and it really is fantastic it's called I don't want to read this book and you'll discover all the reasons that Max never wanted to read a book and there're the reasons you already know about me that I never wanted to read a book so please enjoy Charming good-looking very athletic Max Greenfield he's [Music] an you look so young yet you are an old Jewish man it's really 42 and I swear to you pushing 76 when you bump into people do you like tell them what medication you're on and stuff there's no medication but mentally I'm either with it or I'm not and when I'm not it's scary okay like you think you have Sundowners or something it's just there's nothing going on up there right and to get the engine going it takes a minute what are you employed to do that is that a caffeine I need a coffee in the morning or else it's really it's not great for anyone I think we'd all agree it's not the morning right now we we're looking at 2:10 got second well cuz around 2:00 to 4: 4:30 is a real danger area for me so when I looked at the scheduling of this I was like oh man I could fall apart in a real quick yeah yeah yeah I was like as long as I have a half hour to get a coffee beforehand this would have been a 23 minute episode where like you just sort of fell asleep on the couch did you wear shorts for me well I mean those are nice sticks man those are thanks I appreciate it I've been worthy working on them I think my biggest problem coming out of lockdown pants have been a real issue you don't want to wear I don't want to wear them not only that I just I'm not sure how they're supposed to fit anymore okay sure well by the way the style has changed since we went in I know and I'm not I'm not really sure that I know what it's supposed to be at this point and so now like I went to my closet I was like I'm supposed to go to a place where I'm like have to wear pants I think right and it's hard to choose but I like my shorts thank God I got to go to a job every day where I wear shorts so you're four years younger than me so I bet you escape this phase but like do you remember Z Cav Rees by chance big time baby okay and they're pleated they're very pleated and they're balloony on top right I know with the little line is amazing those all I wanted they were so expensive my dad was like you are not to have these jeans yeah who do you think we are yeah they were like $99 or something I had a single pair and my whole week revolved around like if I wear them on Monday can I wear them on Thursday and people won't realize what color did you get they were like kind of a sky blue you know but a little bit of that acid wash did you choose them yeah yeah I went to county seat in the mall yeah I remember remember I went I went to the mall to get them and I got a pair of black ones but it was like they were sort of black on black pinstripe ones oh yeah yeah absolutely yeah and so I went yeah yeah I went I I went with those because I thought I'm only going to get one opportunity to do this I need to make a statement uh and several days later I realized this is too much for me this isn't me I'm making too much off yeah so I didn't love them and then I real I regretted that decision still still to this day really terrible news for you because that's the [ __ ] style that's coming back that's what I've observed my wife and and Monica both they're in like these Fu kind are actually not that but they're balloony no I'm talking more like the shorts you wore at the live show they're now wearing clothes that are like 40 times too big which I did in high school like IID wear 52inch pants and cinch it up is that for both the men and the ladies presumably I got well yeah Ryan Hansen who's a style icon he's already wearing ridiculous pants and I'm looking at these pants and I'm like I'm unfortunately going to be wearing them in two years because he's always two years ahead of me sometimes five so I would be lying to myself if I didn't think whatever he's in I'm going to end up in but I'm just the whole time I'm like God damn those [ __ ] pants I don't want to get back into those pants but I'm gonna you know Jason manukas yeah yeah yeah the best he had a uniform he wears like the same out and I'm thinking maybe I sort of develop whatever that's going to be for me and and move forward with just a uniform that way you don't have to think about we landed on that virtually which I was like I don't think you can go wrong with like late 50s early 60s James like [ __ ] Levis in a white T-shirt I can't imagine you're ever going to be super embarrassed when you look at a picture of yourself in those not baggy not tight they're just [ __ ] Levi so I that's what I'm leaning towards well if I'm feeling a little heavy I might go black T-shirt just to hide some of the uh whatever's going neutrals just get some neutrals in there you're fine okay so back to why we know each other of course I knew of you as a performer of course and then my wife had worked with you and in fact you were working with my wife and you said to her your husband and I are in the same secret society M and then she came home and she goes oh you know Max is sober and I was like oh I didn't know I had seen you cuz we had not met but I had seen you speak once oh really yeah oh that's scary but you would come in and and spoke and I was sitting in the back and I was like oh cool right on man I don't know at which point this was I'm pretty sure you were a working actor and I was most definitely not okay you were recognizable and I was excited and I was like oh this will be cool yeah and it wasn't and uh it really I went I drank the next day it was this will be the only time straight to the liquor store I'd rather be unemployed and drunk than this guy um I didn't get sober till after I was working after I was like I'm puning so that's where we differ I got sober and then it wasn't until 5 years later that I think it was 5 years to the day that we shot the new girl pilot oh really yeah well so I found that out about you and of course that always elevates someone immediately in my mind like oh good now I can't wait to meet him oh I can't wait to bump into them blah blah blah then to my great Delight you showed up into this meeting that I had been going to at that point for like 14 years in someone's living room and just elated I'll speak for myself I felt like I got along with you wonderfully immediately just like adored you right out of the gates yeah I mean I think one of the things that I love so much about sobriety in general or especially connecting with other sober men is the laughter and there's some people who like to do the bits and laugh and have a good time with it sure there's no reason we should be a glum lot as they say no no and you know you find those people who can laugh through it a little bit I have to because it can get so heavy in there and for good reason but I have got to and maybe maybe to my detriment I've got to turn it around a little bit because this you can do both there's no reason you can't do both you can be sincere and emotional and tell a dick joke or whatever you're going to do in your share but this is my pet peeve when I see AA represented in film and television it's always that [ __ ] Dolly shot slow pushing the guy's like yeah my daughter found me uh in the backseat of my car uh I hadn't been home in two weeks that is not a [ __ ] meeting never that was a pretty good audition though okay thank you I got it good acting that's my pet peeve about do you have any issue when you see it represented look I think it's really difficult oh God I think typically it's done from the perspective of the person who's getting sober which I think is a mistake mhm because you are asking an audience who most likely is not dealing with addiction and doesn't struggle with that stuff and can't relate to any of it any of it and the person whose perspective it's from like or who wrote it or who's thinking like I've got to get these ideas out forgets that as addicts we're crazy yeah we're crazy yeah our brains don't work like normal people and what we think is a sane idea or makes total sense does not yes to uh the masses that's right in your own life if you've ever been in a big car accident and then everyone's okay the Elation that follows if you're in a building fire and you get out when you've been in a fist fight with five different guys the wrap up even though someone's got a broken nose is Elation like you got to remember everyone in there is like they just dodged death there's some levity to it cuz you're like [ __ ] got out of that oh my God yeah I guess I find that the shares that I would hear in a movie I generally if I were directing him be like okay now try telling that like that that's your funniest story cuz generally that would have gone like this like oh [ __ ] when I got in here my [ __ ] daughter found me in the back seat of my car dude I had not been home for like 3 weeks like that's the general delivery totally after you've got some mileage between the event again though you're then giving that to an audience who's like why is he telling it like it's a joke I know I know there's no wi I know and in fact I had my first experience with it where I was watching a pretty well-known person on a talk show recently talking about recently getting sober and I even found myself going a little too early for you to have this much levity about this and I'm sober and I tell gnarly stories but I can see where the general masses are like there's nothing funny about any of the stuff you just said but I had never actually felt it and it kind of was a little wakeup call to me yeah it's a tough one I mean look you would asked me right before we started this are you comfortable talking about it and I was like yeah I mean I'm certainly comfortable sharing what my experience has been right and I feel very fortunate that I've had a very positive experience within sobriety and still remain sober today right might that change tomorrow I don't I mean I don't know when I relapsed and I recorded an episode of the podcast about it I start getting phone calls from people from the program and and I don't want to answer it you know the last thing I want to talk about is how it happened or what I did or how I [ __ ] up right but I take all of them obviously I it's my responsibility to take all those calls well one of them is you I can see myself I was in the driveway here and you call I'm like oh [ __ ] now I'm going to tell Max there you go well once I heard those guys on smartless blowing you like that I thought this guy's going to relapse within a week [ __ ] it and I was like oh thank God that this is the call and it's not like brother how did you [ __ ] up so bad it was literally like I knew this was coming cuz you getting too many compliments publicly well I it's so funny that you bring that up because I then texted you cuz I was listening to race to 270 mhm which was so it was such a piece of artwork it really like mean it that way I listened to every minute of that with such joy and I texted you at one point I gave you a very high compliment with and I think you took it that way about the show about you and Aaron and just the tone of the whole thing and you texted me right back and you go hope this doesn't go to my head and I relapse and I said and I just went oh crap I mean come on and so then I went oh man I and then I felt bad no I was totally joking that was my favorite call I got I'm happy good cuz the point I was trying to make the point I was trying to make was when the incoming message is you did it man yeah you're killing it yeah it's not that like it goes to your head it's how do I then ask for help yeah who do I [ __ ] go to well there's that and then it wouldn't be right to say that like I lost all humility in success I'll tell you what did happen is I had all these things to lean on when I started getting honest with myself right like oh this is heading in a direction this is getting out of control but then I could go but I'm doing really well this year and the show's doing well like to have things to lean on in that way it's dangerous totally not in that I was walking around thinking my [ __ ] didn't stink cuz that really I just had a lot of [ __ ] to lean on and that's what I was worried that I was conveying to you afterwards to me you know my experience with it was I can remember being in a position where I'm really struggling making a decision whether I'm like oh you know I've got an offered two jobs and am I going to take this TV show or that TV and like really losing my mind over it and because of everything on the exterior that's going on with me it becomes then difficult to then go to somebody else and go hey man I'm really struggling with this it's hard to find that person who you can go to like look I remember when I first got sober or when I first came in and it took years and years of truly I mean beating myself to the ground MH and thinking I was going to die and getting worried that that was significantly or was definitely going to happen and realizing I don't want that to happen and so I had a a Moment of clarity I can't attribute it to anything other than whatever it is and I decided I don't want to do this anymore I need to be honest not only with myself but the people around me I need help did you go to treatment or you oh you did okay you want this is a great story it involves Kristen Bell oh wonderful Kristen Bell was one of the first calls that I made on my way out of treatment really drinking to me was always a problem but it didn't really become like a real problem for me until I tried to stop and then I realized quickly I was like I don't think I can stop this and then you're like oh I'm drinking for all these different reasons now I'm drinking cuz I can't stop drinking yes yes yes it has now further lowered my self-esteem and self-image to admit it to myself that like this is a nightmare yeah like when am I going to die it's going to be soon totally every night you're just like this I'm like you have like a little Lucid moment where you stare at the ceiling you know going know I'm going to pass out at some point and then you go it's really a coin flip if I wake up uhhuh and that's a bummer man and you keep doing that and it gets real scary and so there was just one moment where like anyway but prior to that tried all these different things to quit and to stop I'll do yoga what like all the [ __ ] so at some point I run into Kristen and her ex-boyfriend Kevin who I was friendly with both and I don't remember it was Kevin or Kristen I'm pretty sure it was Kristen she had mentioned she had just rescued a dog she was like driving downtown and there was a dog on the street and she was like pull the this is my recollection I don't know oh pull the car over and she saved this dog and she was telling me this story and she's like now I got to find someone to take the the dog I go maybe a dog's the answer of course and so I go I'll take the dog no oh my God and so she goes really and I go yeah let me be the hero oh my God oh my God so she so she goes well okay you should come to meet the dog and I was like do I really have to I was like I know I want she goes you should come meet the dog and I can't give you the dog right away because I need to take the dog to the vet she has a swollen vagina oh swear to God I go all right so I go over to her house I'm like literally can't cannot see straight like I'm looking at the dog that's running around I was like looks like a dog to me and and Christen was like you see right here and like flips the dog over oh my God and it was for sure a swollen vagina irritated where you go oh that need attention yeah thank you for that I guess and so oh man and so I was like all right so I leave her house and you take the dog no cuz she had to take it to the vet yeah we got to get that V and so I I leave I go to the pet store I buy dog food and a bowl and all the [ __ ] cuz I'm ready I'm like in a week I'm going to have a dog yeah come that Thursday I'm out and 30 vat tonics in I was like I need some help man this isn't going well and the next day I'm in treatment oh wow so you just ghosted on this big vagina dog they take my phone they take everything about and for 30 days like one of the things going through my head which is at this point very little was like oh man I think I got to tell Kristen Bell I can't take the vagina oh my god oh wow I get out and of course you're like the whole time you go oh man I'm you know I had had a drink in 30 days and I don't even remember how long right and so I was like man I'm really going to get my life together got all this stuff to got all communicate with all these people you know the world is waiting for my return and I was like I made four phone calls told my parents I was okay and then other than that I was like [ __ ] I got to call Kristen bill and I don't fully remember how it went down but I just remember calling her there was a good chance I was crying cuz I felt so bad and was like I don't think think I'm ready for this kind of responsibility I hope the dog is okay I hope her vagina's fine I'm so sorry but oh God this kills me it would be wrong for me to take the dog oh my God I wonder if that ended up being Lola no no no I feel like sometimes she had elephantitis of the vagina I feel like that's something that got treated over the years maybe it's a dog maybe it's there's a high percentage of a dog I have a question you said addicts are in your or words crazy they have a similar brain you guys share a similar brain all of you I think and so sometimes I I wonder how does that go in these meetings so there's no one with the different brain to say or to have any different perspective like sometimes I think like oh Dax is sitting in a room with all these people who are just like him totally but you see it all the time between Eric and I yeah it's like basically one of us is in that state of mind that is untenable and cuckoo and most of the other people are not having one of those kind of episodes and then I just say to Eric like yeah man I had the same thing last week and then I so but it's episodes but I mean more like the way of thinking it's very similar mhm and so if everyone is thinking in the exact same way sometimes I wonder like but no one's there to present a different way of thinking well when some body is in their disease there is something about somebody who is not in their disease but understands what that person is thinking and can share their experience to that person to pull them out of it and to potentially make a better decision and a more sober decision that's why we need each other it's like I can't make a decision sometimes for myself right but you know I just lo I lost my sponsor last year and uh at the mall or he would have liked that oh my God I hated [Laughter] that we've already talked about we' already talked about no it's fine he was buying a pair of Z cavari only in Black pinstrip he said no one [ __ ] buy that pair no and he was like if this is the only pair [ __ ] this oh man but I would always say about him I was like he made the best decisions for me yeah in my life and he made every great decision in my life for me that's that's what's phenomenal is we can do that for each other but we can't always do it for ourselves and I got to say that is the magic of the program Monica is that if a sane rational person stepped in and then instructed us on what to do we would jump them no one's allowed to tell anybody what to do so all that can happen is something they're going through can remind you of something you're going through and you simply share the experience of what you went through it's up to them to take something from that and incorporate it but nobody there is allowed to tell anyone that they're thinking is anyway the only thing I can do is trigger like similarity I don't know if it's an addict thing it's certainly a me thing but like I don't want instruction I don't want someone with an agenda that's why I'm a [ __ ] alcoholic at a lot of people with ag agendas around me you tell your thing and I might agree with you and I might trust you and I I look at Max I'm like yeah this dude is he knows exactly what it's like to be in my mind the moment you had where you got scared yeah for years I acknowledge I was an alcoholic but it was kind of cute I thought it was cute like I was Bukowski and then I was in my kitchen one time in my one-bedroom apartment and I said oh this joke is for real like I thought yeah I'm an alcoholic and then I could at some point maybe decide that that wasn't going to be my identity but that opportunity had passed and it's it is a feeling of um for me claustrophobia like I'm trapped I'm on a ride I can't get off of I'm not in control whatsoever and I don't think you can get off this ride it's very terrifying and I think you got to feel it to really know cuz I knew in ually what it meant but I didn't know what it meant emotionally yeah totally and I get in trouble sometimes where it's feelings are really really tough for me because it's hard for me to articulate my feelings like cuz they feel so big so overwhelming and that's why experience is something that I can tangibly deal with and I can understand and I can share experience I can hear experience but feelings is a weird thing like s years later I might be able to say I Now understand what I was feeling in that moment yeah but when it's happening it's just too much are you a middle child only oh baby baby will you take a nap at a crowded party I'll take a nap right now yeah okay this is consistent we have a few only child friends and these folks will take naps in the middle of a party like there's just some there's something really bed yeah well you got to at any moment yeah because I became successful acting much later what Agee 31 but had grinded for a long time and a lot of like our contemporaries were people that I viewed as Heroes for a long time and now I'm meeting them I'm working with them I'm friends with them and a lot of the times when I'll be out or somewhere and I'll have an experience where I'll be talking to you know whomever and I'll be halfway in and I'll go this is going really well yeah and then I'll just bail cuz I'm like it's only going to go downhill from here I got to go take care of me I'm going to go take a nap and be like get out cuz you can only [ __ ] this up I only have a single memory of you and I being out in that scenario and maybe I've forgotten some but we were both upfronts one year I remember I guess it was only like three years your opener to me was incredible I think you had just flown in cuz it was in New York yeah and my wife Tess who worked at Fox we were together and you came up and you saying hi to everybody and you go oh I just watched an episode of your show on the plane you have the milkiest whitest skin like Tom Cruz in Far and Away I did but you're leaving out the most crucial please I said your body is [ __ ] off the charts you were on a couch which it's impossible to have a six-pack when you're sitting on a couch and there you were with your shirt off you [ __ ] looked amazing sitting down that's not possible and yeah you look like T Cruz and [ __ ] far and away and I I can see his body in my mind about ready to fist fight in that movie and know it's something to remember you did it well I was equally in that moment like this is the weirdest opening from any person ever but I also was like really flattered good good good that's the balance you strike often well that brings up I was going to do this out later but what's really kind of fun about the show is I sometimes have friends on and like I don't really know about my friends or I know yeah I know about your journey being a father I know that really well cuz of our program I get to hear you share about being a husband and being a father but like I don't know who you were in high school or anything so I saw that you were a [ __ ] wide receiver in high school and this is very this is very offbrand for one ofed that right one of us Show Business folk wow did you play high school football no no I I I snowboarded and drag raced I went to a high school that had like a storied High School football team dobs dobs faery is in Upstate New York it's in Westchester 25-minute train ride to City okay but it was also very very small we had a small high school I was like I guess I'll play football cuz all of our friends played football and you were like that seems like the thing to do and then after the games you get to go out it's great go wild yeah so that's really what I was sort of looking for and you're with everybody's a good time I was terrible okay horrible that's reassuring a little bit for sure got a concussion now that like that's now that that's been like a topic of discussion yeah CTE I immediately was like oh I know one time for sure I got one there was a guy on the other team there's always one guy everyone's like my size and then there's one guy who you're like oh my God we're going to have to tackle him someone's Dad's on the team yeah totally and so this one guy like goes over the middle and he catches a ball and I hit him at the goal line and don't remember the next 3 minutes but the only thing I remember was the coach yelling at me going you're in right now and I was on the sideline and I was like hey man I'm sorry didn't I just do a good job yeah I think I died there for a minute totally I did like wrestling though I wrestled in high school you wrestled in high school yeah again not good at it but I loved practice I loved practice it is a very specific personality type that can go into wrestling and it's not Athletics it's an insane control adct discipline you think yes the [ __ ] diet is insane like kids cutting weight in high school like for real like they're boxers like that's a level of willpower that teenagers aren't supposed to have your frontal Lo doesn't work we had again small school so there wasn't like competition for the weight classes okay all right it was just guys versus guys and girls toally and there was like two kids that were really good and then there was me who was like I can wrestle 1451 just put me in man whatever you want to do and every once in a while I'd have to like Cut 2 lbs I'd be like all right well just don't drink on Thursday right so it wasn't that big a deal there was a few matches though that I went into just deeply terrified I wrestled this one kid from Pleasantville who was one of our friends had cousins on Pleasantville and this kid Justin was on their team who was a real wrestler you knew yeah I knew of Justin my friend Brian from our school as I'm sitting on the bench starts telling me that he had been telling his cousin that I had been talking [ __ ] about Justin uhoh and I'm looking over at Justin who's got like a shaved head who's like nobody really shaves their head totally in high school and Justin had a shaved head and like look like Channing Tatum and I was just like man there's no way this kid weighs as much as I do right right and he's looking at me and he's looking at me in way like listen I know Brian's having his cousins talk [ __ ] I know you're not actually doing it but the whole situation is annoying to me and I'm going to take it out on you I'm going to put you down quick yeah yeah and I and I walked into this thing and was like I'm just going to lay down man I mean this guy grabbed a hold of me and I was like let's just end it and just sort of like crumpled to the ground and was like here man just get on just get on there it is there it is you got it good job you [ __ ] pinned me man and I've never been more excited for something to be over with but also kind of embarrass cuz everybody's like what was that man and I was like just I don't want to talk about it I think this was even both of our favorite moments of race to 270 when Aaron tells the story of having to karate fight a girl and like of all the directions you think the story's going man it did not he just kicked her in the stomach oh my God was like [ __ ] cheering him I mean what and he terrible but how I mean just how loose the two of you would get on that show it makes me really yearn for more Aaron Weekley and like what's happening next I'm figuring it out I'm figuring it out but also what's his weight at these days he's around 275 like he didn't he kept it yeah yeah yeah he's done a really good job yeah cuz he fell in love afterwards and he uh this great Girl Ruthie and they live together I think she's on them pretty good she works out a ton so and what's Charlie at oh my God he's at like 150 no I think he told me his goal on Sunday was 208 our goal is to meet now you know not for the S of yeah he he's lost 62 PBS does he still own the gym downtown he doesn't have the CrossFit gym anymore but he does have a studio where he does private training yeah I remember seeing him long time like when CrossFit was just starting out here we would all go to this place called CrossFit Hollywood it was on LaBrea and I remember there was like a handful of guys in there and I remember seeing him in there being like oh really oh you knew of him before the show yeah yeah yeah and I remember looking over and being like that that that dude's big yeah in a way that you can't really generally get big like no genetics That's genetics man and then I remember he opened that gym downtown and I remember going down there we were shooting new girl downtown once and I was like oh I'm just going to go over to the gy I what Rec Center yeah and I was like I'm just going to go over there cuz I know he owns that gym and worked that over there yeah man you so dialed and his wife who I don't think was his wife at the time they they like opened it together I think yeah and she was super nice and she used to work out at at Hollywood too she's a beast too really nice people yeah but I mean her buns and stuff are off the charts like they belong together they're a good pair yeah we always joke cuz we're a pot of like whatever four four families and always joke about like when when are we going to start wife swapping like that's inevitable we're all going to get bored and we've concluded like it's just going to be all the other families waiting for those two like no one there's no swapping it's just going to be a line to Charlie and Erica like well all be all the dads will be sitting there waiting you know all that's the next [Applause] podcast stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare yeah so what dude were you in high school you were popular right I guess I think it was you were I got to I will I will say this a lot of it is really blurry and it's hard to know who I was at that time part of the sobriety thing was like I don't know where I am who I am yeah I am not grounded on this Earth at all I'm never present and all of it became clear once I that's over and began you know recovering from that yeah you're right I won't speak for you but yeah like drinking was in it was the first thing of my identity totally if I went to someone's house I'd always bring like a 12pack and if they looked at me weird I'd just be like oh this isn't going to be a match like I like to [ __ ] rip it up that was my hobby and that was my all my free time was that but like I could drink with anybody yeah same so it was like I drink with those guys I can drink with these guys so like whatever the vibe is over here I'm down but that also leaves you in a place where you go I don't really know who I am yeah you haven't defined Yourself by anything else but you like to attend parties he's like kind of a good time up to a point then it gets a little weird I think he keeps going when we go bed that's right I think he goes someplace else and does that all over again maybe wait so how old were you when you started drinking 13 oh wow wow yeah but you just grabbed something out of a fridge and decided let's try this or you were with buddies or something yeah it was that first time where you just like I think it was like a keg party or something you have one you go I don't know what that is you have two you go should I have another one you have three you go like this wait a minute yeah I want to do this a lot I was a really late starter cuz my dad was a recovering alcoholic so I knew better right and I had delayed it for a very long time and when I finally I made this intellectual argument I even went to my mother and I said look I know you don't want me to drink but I am going to have to find out for myself I can't just take it that I'm going to be at it cuz Dad is and so I'd already made this decision and then I guess after that I was in my kitchen and I opened up the fridge and there was like four beers my mom didn't drink beer but we had beer for other people and I was just like well here we go let's try this drank the first one very similar like okay it doesn't taste awesome but whatever and then about like almost finishing the second one it just felt Ritter than anything's ever felt yeah I like myself right now I I I dated a girl for a minute who at some point went like this you know when you have a couple drinks you're like a normal person and I went like this thank you that's what I've been saying they said God him nobody [ __ ] gets it I bet we share this as well which is like there are so many more prominent reasons why I was an addict but the genetics a lot of childhood trauma blah blah blah but I would add into that pretty significantly was the Beatdown of 10 years of audition not getting anything like that was a pretty brutal experience I needed many hours of the day I wasn't thinking about how bad I was failing at that thing yeah I mean that definitely played a part in it I mean it definitely like took the edge off of feeling terrible about myself but when I got sober again I was not anywhere near working right and I remember that first year I was questioning everything I was like do I want to be an actor am I being an actor for the right reasons do I just want to be famous like all these weird things yeah cuz you got a new relationship with the honesty with yourself yes totally and so I was really like we are at Ground Zero and so I remember getting into an acting class and the woman who was teaching the class knew my story and was very very nice and was like look there's a waiting list for the class but I know what's going on with you I'm going to I'm going to let you in this probably like 3 months and I go thank you so much and I remember like getting into the acting class sitting down you know everybody's there and we're supposed to read something and I was like I can't read this oh really couldn't even speak oh W and I go I go all right maybe that was just the day and then at the end of the class we got seam partners and they were like all right now listen she mentioned the word commitment when you rehearse with your scene partner that's a commitment that you're making so you need to really commit to being with your scene partner and rehearsing these scenes and I was like commitment means you do not have a choice you are doing this and I go this is a new word for me and I've learned it and I will abide by it and so I drive to this girl's house who I was supposed to like be rehearsing a scene with and I parked outside and I looked at her house and I went I can't go in there and so I pick up the phone and I really like sat there for a while and I go I honestly cannot do this but then I was conflicted about the commitment issue and so I called this woman whose assistant answers this poor assistant and I pick up the phone and I go hey is uh Leslie there and she's like no and I go listen I'm sitting outside of um My Scene partner's uh uh house I can't go in there I'm not ready for this and I start and I like started hysterically crying wow and it was just too much for me and I was like give the spot to someone else I can't be in this class it's too much for me and then and at that point I was like I really don't know if I'm acting I was like you maybe just want to concentrate on your sobriety right now yeah so then took another like six seven eight months maybe before I got into another class with a guy who just passed away this guy Bill Hoy he was a really great acting teacher a lot of standup comedians in the class which was good for me but he like really set it straight for me and taught me acting in a way that really made sense to me at the time which was be of service which was a big word for us to the story and that way you're not making it about you you separate you from the whole thing and I go this makes sense and then all of a sudden I started doing my best work and it really was cuz bill was like that's how you do it and then just aack story and you be a part of it you separate yourself from the entire thing yes and I go oh and so I mean then it was another four years before I got new girl but but you met your wife sober then no oh you did no we had two years before Oh okay cuz I want to know the complexity of like I've had my own horror right of like being unemployed in Kristen can't decide which of the 25 projects she wants to do I've been in that position and that's its own unique issue but I also imagine there's some unique pain involved with being married to a casting director knowing that in some level she has the keys to the kingdom in some way was that a stressor at all no because well would she be the first to point out be like this you're going to talk like that in the audition she in my favorite way is so beautifully honest with me and knows exactly how to handle me and is so much of the reason that I feel like I'm able to be a good not only a good husband but like a good employee and and a good father do you have the perverse coveting of the brutal truth as I do oh that's all I want yeah is there like childhood stuff where it's like I want the truth well my mom who only came from a place of love was always like I mean she'll do it with my daughter like we bought these architecture Legos uhhuh and Lily my daughter will put together like four and my mom will be like this she's Frank Lloyd R and I'll go all right I can't I can't do this and at some point I caught on to it and I was like I know you love me I do not only like I'm I'm just okay but I also know like I'm also capable of being a real dumb and so well that brings me kind of to something I didn't know about you that we also share which is so you wrote a children's book or I don't know if it's a children's book or a young adult book or what age brackets yes for beginner readers beginner readers and it's called I don't want to read this book right yes and I didn't know that you two struggled to read yeah and I figured this out late in life I was going around to all these colleges I was for whatever reason there was like a time in my life where I had a lot of colleges that were reaching out and saying can you come speak the first one I did was Syracuse and I looked out and there's like a thousand kids out there and what are you supposed to say like a commencement speech or something it's like a q this one was just like it was not even like just like go talk to the kids and like do like a fun yeah and then it becomes a Q&A sometimes it was a speech most of the times it was a Q&A and you know for the most part they just want you to be a likei and you're like right on and so I looked out at this audience specifically the first one in Syracuse and I was like I just want to let you guys know something I'm looking at a bunch of students whether you're freshman or sophomore junior senior like I went to college for a year didn't do a thing because I couldn't do a thing and I'm so impressed with all of you and I want you to be impressed with yourselves cuz this is something that I could not do yeah and then I started thinking about it because when I initially said I was like if I went back to school now you could do it I could do it yeah and then I started thinking about it and I was like I don't think I could and I start to realize like this is a real issue and then like the lockdown happens and all of a sudden I'm now my daughter's teacher and I becomes really clear to me not to break your anonymity but I I do think most of your shares during this period were solely about teaching your kids oh all of was just like here's a curriculum teach your child and I was like I can't do any of this yeah and it dawned on me like oh this is a real problem and after doing some research I was like oh I'm fully dyslexic and not only am my dyslexic I used to think that dyslexia was just like you flip words or like you read it backwards no no no no no and I deal with it really organizationally if I'm reading something that I me this is very alcoholic but like if I'm reading something where I know there's like a carrot at the end I can steamroll through it sure sure sure but if you just like read this to read it if it doesn't get me in the first three pages I'm like this is torture and it's really really difficult yeah and and so I'm going through this and I'm like going I don't think I can't be the only person who feels this way yeah and so I had somebody reach out to me and ask about the opportunity to write a children's book and I was like well if I was going to write a children's book it would be called I don't want to read this book and it would be all the reasons you want to read a book but at the end of the book the child has read a book yeah yeah and so then I started to write the book and I realized oh my God what was just like sort of like a fun idea really came something like oh this has been my struggle for 40 years yeah are you reminded when teaching your kids cuz so I have two kids one of them learned to read in 30 seconds like I couldn't believe it and then the other one's kind of like me mhm and as much as I remember the the frustration I've forgotten many of the details so it's like I'll watch her and it's exhausting I forgot about how exhausting it is like to go through it in the way you have to and sound out those words and you can't sound out words and the whole thing by half of a paragraph I can see in her she's [ __ ] exhausted yeah and I forgot that part of it like it's just overwhelming on a on an energy level yeah totally and I think there's there's also this there's all this expectation and every Avenue a teacher tries to take with a student is to try to get them to a place where they love reading and it's like look I love a lot of things and there's other things where it's like it's just not my thing I don't dislike it I just am like I don't love it yeah you know what I mean and to fall in love with something I think is a big deal so to expect that these kids are supposed to fall in love with reading is such a high expectation and I think if you're a child and you can't articulate yourself and you don't fall in love with it in the way that I think that they think that they're supposed to it can be really a shameful thing for these kids is yeah you feel guilty that you can't enjoy this thing everyone's enjoying around you yeah totally and it happens at the like when you're learning to read it's right around seven which apparently how true this is is when kids start to compare themselves to other kids and they start to look around they go why is he taller or why is she shorter like whatever it is and to be able to look over and be like so hold on wait they finished the whole book yeah they're on page 40 and I'm on page three it's a big deal defeating yeah yeah and it's and so much of like that ability is tied to how smart you think you are of and one has nothing to do with the other yeah well we just had BJ Novak on and he said the simplest thing which the written word it was a crude me method for us to pass Knowledge from one human to another because we couldn't send a video of us passing the knowledge like we rever it in a way that maybe we've missed the point it's a system of symbols so that you can get what's in my brain into your brain but there might be a much better way for me to get what's in my brain into your brain yeah that could be around the corner there shouldn't be shame around it the goal is to get the idea in your brain into mine yeah they've switched the term learning disability to learning differences I like that term andbody apprach the same thing differently everybody does it differently I don't know one person who like goes into a scene and does it the same way as another person everybody's got their own thing and it's the same way with reading or writing or learning in general well what I wish I had known as a kid that I later learned in a Malcolm Gladwell book is just that like I grew up knowing that lexics were had a twice the rate of incarceration as adults so it was like here's bad news you can't read and then here's some worse news you know to go to jail and then in the gladwood book it's like you're you're also twice as likely to be a CEO so it's like we have some friends of ours that have a kid that's diagnosed as dyslexic and I'm like yeah blows right now but let me tell you what you're going to get your retention of what you hear people say is going to be off the charts it's going to blow people's mind for the rest of your life you're going to be able to hear someone tell a story and remember it better than they can tell like that's the skill you're going to develop like you're going to develop all these other skills that are probably more practical and more needed on a day-to-day basis than reading yeah and you're going to hear and see and process things in a way that nobody else is going to it's going to be specific to you and you might do something wonderful with that that's right that's right the book how was it received by the family they like it they were really they were really excited at some point I was like there is this is going to be another book that they don't care about and it's certainly getting to that place cuz they're like enough already but I've been reading it to my son and it's one of those books that you can perform which uh I like sure strength yeah it's a it's it's basically one big monologue I like including them and and what I do and what Tess does it's fun to include them I think like there's a and and I understand this the instinct to keep them separated from what we do I don't i' I've had a lot of fights about this Lily would come specifically when we were doing tape nights for the neighborhood and she would hang out every Tuesday night at these tapings and I'm like you're at work when you're here and the Pas would give her a headset and she would be part of like that's cute and it was just it was the best and she gets to see like all of these people work as a team and be a part of this thing and having a good time doing what they love to do and that's their job yeah they're going to get a paycheck on Friday like you can do the same thing like you shouldn't be victim to just doing a job cuz it's a job like you can do whatever you want like your career can be something that you love and have fun at I think the real thing is just most parents that are in this industry who have children they remember the struggle and they remember all the rejection and I think that's what they're really objecting to like I think they just the notion that their kids going to walk into a thousand rooms and find out they weren't right is what scares and maybe not have ESS like just cuz you guys have it it's the point oh oh it's that statistic like there's a chance they're going to just struggle that's right but the job itself I don't think is something that someone wouldn't want for their kid like if you can have gainful employment in this industry I worked in the automotive industry for 14 years it's if you just take success out of it completely because I think everybody has their own definition of what that is right yeah hold on half a second yeah this is worth it you're interrupting Max Greenfield who just told a story about some dog you tried to Pawn off on him with a enormous vagina do you remember this wait what 15 years ago right before I went into rehab I had offered to um take the dog that you had found downtown and you said I can't give him to you yet because I got to take him to the vet cuz he has a swollen vagina or she rather you probably she and and then I called you approximately 30 plus days later and I said I can't take the dog I don't think it would be good for the dog and it's I'm not ready for that type of commitment I guess our question is do we remember the dog and is what did she find happened to her vagina I don't remember exactly the dog but the reality is I have rescued many a dog in Los Angeles but I do remember one having a vagina problem oh my God no I do it had like a vagina like a baseball myth oh yeah g my yes you showed it to me and you said no I can't this is why I can't give you the dog well as you can see we're a little we're a little busy but I thought it would be worthwhile since he just talked about this um elephantitis of the vagina dog you were trying to PA off appreciate it well I'm a little bit I'm busy too I'm in the middle of squid game I just thought I'd call and say hello what episode are you on three what a [ __ ] ride huh oh my God I love it so much well we love you love you guys I'm not shocked at all she doesn't remember that how many dogs do you think she's just picked up off the street you know this was one of the things I hated about her when we first started dating I couldn't conceptualize someone that actually cared that much about dogs so what I thought she was doing was like virtue signaling to me so we'd be driving she'd scream pull over I think that dog's I mean everywhere we went you'd be shocked how many stray dogs are running around that I never even saw but she sees one everywhere she goes and it's such an inconvenience we got to pull over and then then you got take and see if it's got a chip and the whole nine yards but then I once I realized it was authentic and I wasn't to impress anyone I was like okay I was really hoping to get like a a nicer button to that story where she was like H the vagina dog went on to live she had 10 vagina pops so before we wrap it up I want to say I was watching the assassination of Giovani Versace the American Crime Story and right when I saw you I was like is that Max and I remember telling you like it blew my mind mind in a way that I was like oh Jesus he can do that [ __ ] so good in that well this is how I've approached this and I've found some real happiness and serenity in it which is I love the stability of being on a TV show it's great I loved it when I was on new girl I really love it on the neighborhood cuz the hours and I get to be with my kids yeah and then you leave it up to whatever for opportunities like that to come along and you get those opportunities every so often and like I don't know that I would want an opportunity like that on a daily basis think do you watch handmaid's tail oh my I don't know how you I literally look at her and I'm like how can a human endure this performance for nine months I mean I can't imagine what she feels like when she gets off work it's like its own real life torture like I think it's a lot like the college thing where it's like I can't do this I don't even think I can I don't think I'm capable of doing that's helpful when you know that that's help me make the best decisions in my life like I can't sing I like I no just come in an audition just sing they can really no I can't do that it's not Noble of you to say yes to that and then show up and be like this come on and then all of a sudden everybody's like oh my God he can't sing and then you realize like oh my I really can't do this yeah yeah with all that said I just sang on Steven Conrad's new thing uh because it was him like I'll do any who knows I'll never listen because I don't want to know Monica and I were just talking about this Monica just finished this show called tiny tiny kitchen cook off tiny K cook it's really miniature food and I said to her how'd it turn out and she goes I don't know I'll never know I was like we're soul sister I hear you I do a game show or something I can't I don't need to see I'm just like all right that happened and I'm moving to the next but I think that's the right attitude I think with everything it's like you experience it you're in it yeah it was fun you're present for it and then to revisit it is like for what well for you and I particularly there's only one or two outcomes I'm the worst person to ever do this job or I'm the best person to do this job neither neither is healthy I end up somewhere in the middle a lot of good for you because my expectation is pretty low the lowest bottom of the barrel you start with going well they somehow figured out how to cut me out of the scene oh I hope that they have cut me out of the scene and then I'll watch it and then for the most part I think I'm usually like I'm actually that bad yeah serviceable service great and then I and then I move on never touch it again I'm like I'll never think like w my God I'm really good in this when I go into it I try to take myself out of it because at some point you realize and I think you know this like at having directed stuff as an actor you're so you're not as big of a part as you think you are no at all yeah and by the time it's all said and done like you're just of service to what's happening there it's true and that's it and I think as soon as you get into like this is a special moment for me and that's what you get in trouble cuz you're like then you think outside of that yeah when you walk into work and you're handing new pages you've written the night before I saw an actor to that once yeah I've heard some great stories about some actors doing that my favorite is when you watch a guy who's Rewritten some some dialogue and then can't remember the lines that he rewrote and then it's trying to get it and you're like we don't know what's happening here man you're trying to remember lines that you no you only you know only well I love you Maxi I'm so glad that we met in that secret society and that you can call me in times of Crisis and say I knew this was going to happen to you your head you're getting too much public adoration I can count on you for that and I hope you know you can count on that for me man this is this was the best and this show is like it's great don't be careful be careful no but it goes back it's a okay show no I know but like it really goes to what you were talking about where it has opened up things where you get to go spend time with people like Daniel were like this is my how did this happen it's suspicious how did this like well Monica and I are increasingly certain that we're in a simulation you are too look at your life I bet you got a speedboat or something I'm so impressed with people who were able to embrace something that wasn't the original plan like this opportunity presented itself yeah and I didn't turn on it or resent it or didn't like go into to it fully because the original plan was this other thing and now I'm like running around with Daniel Ricardo that's right and also can still go do all the other things that was part of the original idea it's beyond it's wonkers yeah it's silly just it's awesome man well I adore you and I want everyone to buy their CH I'm I'm legitimately excited to read this book with my eight-year-old she'll like that did do you have a copy in your trunk I have one in my car yeah I want one okay right um will you sign it yeah do do do you know how to sign your name it's tough it takes we give you some time we'll give you some me a while all right take care stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare and now my favorite part of the show The fact check with my soulmate Monica padman roll 400th this is number 400 400 for us man I kind of wish that would have happened exactly on February 14th I'm sorry it didn't add up me you just know how much I like those the evenness squares squares Rubik cubes um Tetris 14th today oh okay that's a good positive spin okay I like that yeah but it's not no it's a bad positive I mean while we're recording it's I know like a really big stretch but look Silver Linings Silver Lining it is nice to know that I'm not the only one that's not allowed to get away with [ __ ] that was nice I'm glad I I saw you just P Rob's choker collar a little bit G coup what a four years what a four years Lord I don't want to say I ever gotten the doldrums cuz I certainly didn't but I do feel bizarrely energized for our show this year yeah going to be a good year yeah yeah there was a ding-ding ding about Trey leetes I guess I can oh let's get into that um so it was our friend Erica Perfect 10 Charlie's wife's birthday yesterday and her favorite cake is Trace Lees it is yes so then I was like oh my God I got to find the best Trace Leese here and I started doing some Googles uhhuh that's your safe spot Googles searching for things on the internet yeah yeah yeah that's your a meeting yeah I found one but should kind of hit the fan we thought she had Co and then I I dropped all my responsibilities for the try sled Chase but I'm still planning on um seeking a good one out yeah and bringing it to her well I sent her sugar fish and I thought you know well Charlie's going to want to eat it and he he a big boy you know he needs his protein mhm cuz I sent three of those whole meals you know the meals uh Trust if you guys don't live in Los Angeles I'm so sorry that you can't have Sugarfish cuz it is the best sushi place hands down in my opinion can I tell you uh an embarrassing admission that occurred this morning uh I attended a zoom meeting MH and it will a couple things about it one is in the last 16 years I've bet I've been to maybe five co-ed meetings okay I only go to men's meetings right and then my my story about why I only go to men's meetings is that I need to be taught how to be a man in a healthy way okay I tried the other way uhhuh and so I I need guidance from men I need to know how to be a husband I and a father and all these things that's the story I've been telling myself right so I got on this Zoom which my friend invited me to people were all over the country it wasn't a lot of people there was probably like I don't know 12 people on this Zoom thing yeah and it was c-ad and then what was so cute is there was three different couples M that are in the program together sitting in their chair right I was so interested and it was so a different point of view that I enjoyed being able to just listen to right yeah and I started thinking about my story a little bit I was able to admit to myself I also don't go to meetings with women because I'm [ __ ] terrified of y'all's emotions you know I I it scares me so much yeah I'm going to share what this guy said I think I can do this in a way that's ethical but a person was sharing that when they first got sober in the 80s part of their work was they would go to this Ward called the yellow people Ward okay and this was the ward of the hospital that everyone there was dying of liver disease oh wow and so every person in there is yellow and and many of the people he said had like football protrusions coming out of their their stomach and they were there offering the program they're going through the ward you know if you're ever interested you want to go to a meeting yeah and the person was saying how many of those people that were dead yellow and and had visible livers said they don't need that yeah and I started thinking like oh that's right your story is impervious to facts mhm and that is [ __ ] wild you just can justify anything anyone can justify anything but like even if they know they need it they're like well I'm already yellow and my liver's popping out like why would I stop little late yeah you should have showed up 12 years ago yeah unless you're ready you'll always find a reason to but like many of the people were literally like no no no I'm going to um I'm getting fluids and [ __ ] and then I'm going to go home and I'm not going to drink whiskey anymore I'm just going to switch to beer and wine like that you know that level of like still realizing the powerlessness the negotiation yeah all these things yeah and then I just it was kind of ironic that I was on a co-ed meeting thinking of the power of your story and then just thinking of the power of my story and just feeling once again like how diligent I have to be to always really try to poke some holes in my story but it's hard it's really hard it is really hard cuz your story makes you feel safe it's it's it's the way you've decided the world makes sense to you yeah if you don't have one then what do you have who are you what does it mean where are you going where you fre yeah yeah yeah so it's like you need one and yet you got to really police yourself yeah you just can't have it be so rigid we all do that it's important for everyone whether you're in an addict or not to be constantly reminding yourself that you might be wrong about what you think about yourself well and that's kind of what my share was is like it's it's so obvious in Alcoholics we call it denial but it don't stop at alcoholism you know it's it's in every facet of everything we do and I need to remember that as well because it's not just alcoholism that I need to it all bleeds in too you know all yeah so my my friend from home whose husband was murdered she I was going to see her when I was home I didn't get a chance to but I was because I was I was like looking her up on Facebook and like seeing what she had been posting and stuff recently and and I saw she's starting a scholarship program in his name he was a golf pro and like loved helping kids and and she's starting a scholarship program for kids who can't afford golf golf lessons I was just so impressed by turning it into something productive yes like she has every right to just wallow and have self-pity and oh God yeah feel like why me you know and I'm sure she comes in and out of those feelings two children I'm sure she comes in and out of of those feelings but to be strong enough to like turn it into something positive I was so blown away it's really funny you tell that story and this is far less meaningful but I I had a very similar thought I I participated in this thing that General Mills puts on like a speaker series and so I did uh I read a bunch about General Mills which is like a super fascinating company I came to find out it's like 150 years old and you know they started as a flower company and at some point they high altitude [ __ ] weather balloons in World War II and they're very fascinating but the kind of Cornerstone of the business is in Minnesota on the river and they had this huge they had two Mills M A and B and it was like their whole investment they broke the bank to build this facility and it was going well and then it burnt down and when they rebuilt it they switched from Stone grinding flow to Steel roller flow grinding which changed everything made thect like way better it was more efficient and it did everything yeah yeah sometimes after the very worst thing if you can find the will to keep walking forward you just don't know man yeah much less important version of that but I was just thinking like some people can decide to embrace tragedy and take it for everything it's worth and yeah and just do the best they can with it and then it can kill other people or it can drown you yeah anyway um there's only one fact for Max oh okay which was exciting cuz I got to text Wendy Wendy M I got to text her cuz it was a kid Quest G ah it was at what age do kids start comparing themselves to other kids yes and Wendy said age five she said by age five children have the cognitive maturity to make social comparisons take another child's perspective and therefore imagine how they are perceived by others parents get scared of the dreaded low self-esteem hence participation trophies and but you're so smart strong pretty and yet social comparison is not entirely negative it can be inspirational aspirational I mean again to Circle back nothing is good or bad it's like there there is a Zone where it's like Optimal yeah so as I think Brett Weinstein would point out evaluating your neighbor farming strategy and noticing that they're yielding four times as much as you that's a time for you to think what the [ __ ] am I not doing like it is an evolutionary aspect to be comparing your yourself to other people and then yeah how do you cap that how do you keep that in the level that's just to make sure you're the most yeah I agree yeah it's a hard balance life's hard well you're doing a great job no I'm doing an okay job you're doing a really good job I mean that story you told I did I tell you I got feedback about that story what story the [ __ ] uh the cake oh yeah yes my friend who communicated on Instagram with you know about that I I talk to the woman who lives in DC who I love yes um she loved the Stacy Abrams of course of course who didn't but um she loved your case story and I was like I know it something so benely magical you know what you are you're like my Delta 88 that I bought it's like it's shockingly boring I mean I'm like strikingly boring the car it's so no listen that story you told is a there's nothing to that story you wanted a cake who cares that's a big deal is the least big deal on planet Earth and yet the way you tell it I really thought it was life or death that's what your magic is that's what I'm trying to tell you I don't want to be boring no it my car I just bought is like it's so it almost looks invisible like like if a kid drew a picture of a car that's what this thing would be but in that Simplicity and blandness to me it is the most majestic car ever wow feel like it's a neeg but I'm going to take it as a positive I know I know I know I know the ability to tell a story about wanting cake and not getting cake and that I care I don't give a [ __ ] if someone gets their cake or not cake is not something someone needs but I care with my life that you get that strawberry cake and that it's as wet as you were expecting it to be it was wet uh but but I think maybe maybe people like that there was a moral there was a moral to it was a fable really maybe that's what it is you tell fables I do and they're they're Prett I mean again I don't want to trigger you but they're often the fables are about the service industry I know I was about to tell a story about my um dry cleaning but I guess I won't that's one of the best stories I I heard in 2021 or is there a new development there's not okay but the yeah the original story I was captivated yeah sure how many garments were ruined eight yeah so okay so I was planning on going home and I'm back I've gotten horrible at managing my life I guess that's just I just have um a section of your life yeah like a like you know the minutia I've gotten really bad at handling all that stuff I push it and push it and push it and so I realized oh my God I'm going out of town for Christmas all of my dry cleaning is here and a lot of my clothes are dry clean only which is very annoying and that's my fault I pick clothes like that yeah well you have great style and your cardigan today looks beautiful and I'm sure it needs to be dry clean it's 100% dry clean everything in this outfit is dry clean only even the shoelaces yep and I found a place that was it said like a one day or 48 hour turnaround for dry cleaning an emergency dry clean I set that up they came they picked it up this so exting I felt so proud of myself I'm like oh my God I found this place this is great and then I saw the next day it said it was going to be delivered two weeks later and I was like uhoh nope I'll be gone well you probably did some fast math and you thought there's way more than 48 hours in two weeks yeah I did I had to stop and I count the hours okay okay hours maybe they dropped the zero maybe the promise is 480 hours sidebar I did some fast math yesterday at Madewell with Laura she was looking at a sweater and it was 40% off and I gave her a quick a very quick response what the price was yeah nice really good does it feel good it feels really good that's why I do it Monica I understand I do okay back to the dry cleaning so then I I called and I said hey I said today dry clean only because I'm leaving and I was like I I understand if you guys can't do it but just please bring the clothes back then you can bring them back dirty no problem no no no it's they're actually already clean so we'll bring them tomorrow I was like great yeah and you know me I'm I think everyone's trying to [ __ ] me I would have been like those two things can't happen you can't send me an email say it's it'll be there in two weeks and tell me it's already done something stinks it was being an optimist what can I say your story yeah my story is and I'm an optimist and so then it they came the next day great I didn't have time to look or anything right and then I was packing I opened up the bag and I was like huh this sweater is a k size now it's for a fouryear old this sweater is for a fouryear old this sweater it was like I think four or five sweaters I mean and and let's just I think they had a stink to well Jesus Christ they weren't even [ __ ] clean no they were clean but they had a a stink like a chemical stink they had a detergent stink it was a very specific detergent they had been washed is it that [ __ ] smell I hate you that I hate stinky stinky that very specific one though that I don't like okay Downey I'm not supposed to no no no no no no it's not that I love Downey I don't like that thing that's said you know what that thing I don't like but um but um I think it's safe to say just so that we can like um set a a level for it like my car thing is your clothes thing uhuh yeah like that's your big expenditure you love clothes and if you're going to spoil yourself it's clothes so I think we can all assume that there was probably a bit bit of money that had gone down the toilet yes yes there was some there was some Financial damage for sure and one of the sweaters I was like maybe I could wear it as a crop like you know yeah I'm like trying to figure out how to salvage some of this anyway I just had to leave I didn't really have time to process the trauma and sure I never called then that's become a whole thing where a lot of people have encouraged me you got to call you got to call account yeah but I'm like well they're not going to bring my sweaters back to life they can't repay me so what am I going to do I'm just not going to go there anymore they keep sending me texts it's like taunting wait what what why the [ __ ] are they texting the laundromats like here's a special glad you're calling it a laundromat cuz that's what it they did they took it to the [ __ ] LA lavendera and they dumped a bunch of that stinky [ __ ] [ __ ] I hate smelled bad yeah of course it did and then they they ruined everything you own and it cost them 75 cents and that big big [ __ ] industrial uh washing machine yep that's right and they ruined thousands of dollars worth no one's going to feel bad for of course but they might as well put a [ __ ] Rolex in that goddamn dryer and put put it on for 3 hours and then I thought one of my pants was missing I also then like you know I kind of went off the deep end I was like and I also lost some of my pants but then I found those once that little mouse gets [ __ ] Fire In Her Eyes the little boss the little boss baby who drives around in her own Town Car still want to make that into if there's any Publishers out there here's our pitch like just I'm not we're not coming to your office no this is it this is the [ __ ] pitch I want to do a children's book with Monica about Monica as a little girl boss who has her own car service so that she can run the show okay that's the pitch guys take it or leave it take it or leave it and you come at us with names cuz we don't have a title that's what it's about and we're done we're not going to we're not going to write it and we need a ghost writer and an illustrator and that's your pitch God would I love to read my girls that book maximum Mouse [ __ ] that's the title oh [ __ ] maximum Mouse pretty good damn any so anyways that story y all just heard the four and a half minute version of the Clos story and there is a 26 minute version of it that I heard at the dinner t i I'll never forget where I was sitting sitting at the dinner table hearing the story and I was on godamn pins and needles and that's when I realiz like the story ended and I felt like I had just read The Iliad I was like what a what a saga and that's when it hit me there's really no substance to that story it's all you you're the substance of that story no Dax there's a moral and the moral is sometimes they can't bring your sweaters back to life you know it's a punitive story it's like should I have spent more time out of my life I shouldn't have I made the right decision you did the exact right thing but they are texting me on I do feel like maybe they're going to push me over the edge and I am going to have to call yeah I mean I had the exact same thing and I behaved the exact same way as you which is my car was stolen for like 20 hours the other day I don't know I we even told that story but we didn't one second version of it is just simply I'm in the sand dunes with Aaron for his two-year anniversary I get a call from Kristen I think your car was so what do you mean it's not at the house did you drive it somewhere no I didn't I open up this app God bless [ __ ] oh this could be a shout out for chryler they got an app you connect that you can start your car with and [ __ ] on your phone so I [ __ ] open it up in the desert by God I was like I wonder if I can track where the car is hit the button I get address in one second Lancaster which was wild yes that is crazy and then Kristen took the whole thing over and within you know hours she's already gotten the car from Lancaster and it's home and while we were in the dunes I was thinking like you know I [ __ ] love that car the Hellcat I'm just obsessed with it I love it and they don't make it no more so I'm thinking like [ __ ] the car is stolen and I can't get another one and I'd have to buy a used one and all this [ __ ] and then it just crossed my mind that when I drive that car the reason I like that car is I drive it at 100% of its capability everywhere I go it's going as fast as it can [ __ ] go everywhere it goes and then it occurred to me there's no way that the thief drove it the way I do that car is a handful rear wheeel drive 707 horsepower okay oh my God if you're driving 100% you better know what the [ __ ] you're doing there's no way this this criminal did so then it crossed my mind you know what that's probably the nicest little ride my hellcats ever had out to Lancaster he probably drove it at 50% wow and then I reframed the whole thing ding ding ding Silver Lining Silver Lining Playbook staring Bradley Cooper and then when Kristen picked up the car they asked her do you want us a dust for fingerprints oh you said no yep and I'm going to tell you why okay you already know why well because of the um you sometimes you can't buy your sweaters back well yep I need to go no further you you figured out the moral of my story no my house was robbed when I was doing baby mom I was in New York a decade ago U maybe a part of those Glam ring robberies right they came to the house and they fingerprinted and they did the whole thing and then six years later they catch the Glam ring thing and then it occurs to me oh wow that was all at the same time same neighborhood so I call back this thing and I go hey I just want to say I'm pretty sure I might be a part of that and the guy said oh yeah that makes sense let me look into it called me back 6 years later and he goes just got off the phone with the um the fingerprint department and they're going to run the prints uh see if it's a match and I go okay so so that they never ran the prince and he goes no no the backlog on running prince in La if it's not for a homicide oh it's like [ __ ] 10 years or something we live in a city of [ __ ] 10 million people that we don't have the resources to launch an investigation of who saw it's insane it's not going to happen the [ __ ] prints aren't even going to get run it's one more thing in someone else's system and nothing's going to happen from it yeah and they keep it moving yeah I get that that makes sense that's logical that is similar it's the exact same thing I'm going to make other people work and nothing's going to happen this guy is [ __ ] has his own struggles clearly stole my car he's probably not probably does have a great podcast for him of course you did like when Kristen broke my penis at poor girl I do I feel sad but okay speaking of her it's kind of worth saying there's a picture of her with Lancaster Police that people don't like and it's because of this oh I [ __ ] hate that what is morally [ __ ] repugnant is that there are police officers who see black people and assume the second they see them that they're the worst black person they ever met and dealt with in their life that is a [ __ ] moral failing failing yeah conversely to look at a cop and to think that that is the worst [ __ ] cop you've ever dealt with is [ __ ] [ __ ] 100% it was specific to that they've had some issues oh again I don't I don't know about that and that's likely true I mean obviously it's a systemic epidemic issue in police departments most certainly yeah but the person that she met in real life who was helping her her and you yeah and then there was just viral video where a [ __ ] a plane landed on top of the train tracks have you seen this one guy and the person inside the plan knocked out and these [ __ ] six cops are pulling a human out of the [ __ ] plane and literally they get him out in one second later the train hits the [ __ ] airplane and destroys it and these are six or seven guys who have [ __ ] children yeah who just did that to pull someone out of a plane so that's also the truth about cops yeah I'm not trying to get into a cop I wanted to just a little bit like that's also you know everyone just needs to know every individual deserves the benefit of the doubt yes I agree and there's systemic racism in police departments that needs to be confronted yeah I agree but also I I'm just saying because people don't understand the context and the context is your car was stolen and that's why she was around those cops and that's why she took the picture I see that circling and I'm like no one even knows no one even knows what's going on so that is what happened and that's that but anyway 400th episode really hot just now didn't I I I think because it's Kristen yeah you know if it was me if I had done it and then people were pissed um I probably would have a different feeling about it but it's like you know just how [ __ ] dare you have not be in any of the know nothing about a situation to decide whether or not Kristen was ethical or not yeah um Happy Birthday Happy Birthday Rob thanks thanks great job Rob great job really incredible job Rob getting us to 400 m m well see you for 401 I love you love you [Music]