Jack Whitehall Shares the Poem He Wrote for Harry Styles' 30th Birthday | The Tonight Show

-You look good, bud. How you doing? Everything good? -Very good, very good. Lovely to be here. -Your Netflix special came out this week. This is your third comedy special. -Third comedy special, yes. It launched this week. -A big deal. -It's a big deal. It's a very, very exciting day today. Not just because of that, as well, by the way. There's something else that I want to bring up, and I'm a little upset that it wasn't mentioned in the monologue. But as we -- Some of you will know, today is a very, very important day for another reason. The 1st of February, Jimmy. Today is the 30th birthday of Mr. Harry Styles, and I think we would be remiss... [ Cheers and applause ] -I didn't know. -Of course. We forgot, yes. -Let's... -Yes, that's -- of course. -...wish him a very happy 30th birthday. -Happy birthday, Harry. -I'm sure he's watching. He watches all of my late-night appearances. [ Laughter ] Um... -He does? -Yeah, yeah, all of them. And, obviously, I'm delighted to be here with you. It's the only place that I would rather be than with Harry tonight, um, celebrating his birthday. Um, I do miss him a bit. It's fine. I, uh... -Yeah, you don't have to get into it, yeah. -No, I actually wrote a couple of little words for him that I'm probably gonna Voice Note him later, just so you know. He'll be fine. He'll be fine. -You can do it tonight if you want to. If he's watching, you could save the Voice... [ Cheers and applause ] -Well, I mean, it's kind of an intimate -- All right! Well, no. [ Laughter ] Yeah, as you know, I journal, and, uh... [ Laughter ] It's just -- It's just a little -- These are, like, notes that I write down. Little lists and things. -Yeah. Wow. That's yours. -Funny thank-you notes. That's just a thing that I came up with. [ Laughter ] Um, so...yeah. No, this is just a little thing. And you -- I'll workshop it here with you guys, and just tell me if you think this is too much. So this is called "Turning 30 in Styles." [ Laughter ] Harry, oh, sweet Harry, you are a man of utter class, my north, my south, my if, my when, my elbow and my ass. [ Laughter ] I first saw you on "X Factor," the silly reality show, way back in 2010, nearly three Simon Cowell faces ago. [ Laughter ] A twinkle in your eyes, your hair looked like a mop, a high-pitched little voice, your testicles yet to drop. [ Laughter ] You dazzled the world with your boy band One Direction, an unstoppable rise, like an unwanted morning... Can I say that word on late night? [ Laughter ] The day the band broke up, I screamed, I cursed, I cried. I hadn't been that sad since the day Mufasa died. [ Laughter ] But your solo career blossomed. Your limit was the sky. Stadiums and number-one's, a watermelon sugar high. You branched out into acting, a dab hand at it, too. Just please never try stand-up, or I won't know what to do. And so today, you're turning 30, and I've one last thing to say. Please don't copy the other Harry and ever run away. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -Come on! Happy birthday, Harry Styles! Happy 30th, buddy. Well done. Oh, my gosh. That was beautiful. Thank you very much. That was touching. [ Laughter ] -I'm welling up here. -[ Voice breaking ] That was touching, that was touching. I didn't expect to cry. Uh... I'm so happy that you're here. I want to get into a lot of stuff. But first of all, congratulations. Man, you were showing me pictures backstage of the most beautiful baby. You had a baby -- beautiful baby girl. -Yeah. -Oh, my gosh. [ Cheers and applause ] She's adorable. She's perfect. -I'm a 35-year-old father of one, and I'm writing poems about Harry Styles. [ Laughter ] Maybe that has to stop now. -No, no. How's the baby doing? -It's amazing. It's amazing how quickly your whole attitude to parenting changes, as well. Like, I remember, before she arrived, we were like, "We're not gonna be like those parents that just stick the, you know, kid down in front of a television screen and rely on all of that. We want to really engage and read to them all of the time." I'm five months in. I'm literally counting down the days until I can give her an iPad. [ Laughter ] -It changes very quickly. -So quick. -It's very fast. Yeah, absolutely. But how did the news go when you had to tell everyone that you were -- that you guys were expecting? -Well, actually, it was quite funny because I was on tour when we found out, and I was on tour in America first. So I was doing shows out here, and we found out, and then I started sharing it on stage, and I'd go out on stage, and I'd be like, "Oh, yeah. So, I have some news -- my girlfriend's expecting." And, you know, American audiences, incredible. People were whooping and hollering and standing up on their chairs. One night, I think there was a couple at the back of the auditorium getting pregnant themselves, they were so excited. [ Laughter ] I was like, "Ooh. Yeah, calm down. We don't even know if it's mine yet." I -- so -- no. [ Laughter ] I then came back to England, and I remember the first show back in England, telling everyone that my girlfriend was expecting. It was like in a theater in Leicester. I was like, "Oh, yeah, my girlfriend's pregnant." Complete silence. [ Laughter ] Just, like, one guy in the front row with his arms crossed, going, "You know who else who had a baby, Jack? Everyone." [ Laughter ] -"Not the first time," yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so funny. -Yes. -Does your girlfriend care that you talk about her in your act? -[ Voice cracking ] Um...I think she -- [ Laughter ] -That says it all. that says it all. Never mind. That says it all. -I read out love letters to Harry Styles on national television. It's the least of her worries when I'm talking about her. -Yeah. -Yeah. No, I mean, occasionally. It's when her -- when her family come along to see the shows, that's always quite awkward. Well, I had one show where there was, like, five of them in the audience, and I was doing this bit. My girlfriend has diabetes, and anyone that doesn't know, diabetes affects your pancreas, and it means you don't produce enough insulin. So you have to, like, monitor your blood-sugar levels. And if you do strenuous exercise, they can dip very dangerously low. -Yeah. -And what I say is that, what that now means in my life is that I can now tell exactly how good of a performance I've put in in the bedroom... [ Laughter ] ...by what my girlfriend has to snack on afterwards. [ Laughter ] So if -- And it's true, it's true. If I roll over after sex and my girlfriend's eating an entire novelty Toblerone, I'm like, "Well played, chap. Nice work." [ Laughter and applause ] But if I roll over and it's like a single Skittle, I'm like, "Okay. Could try harder next time." [ Laughter ] -I want to show everyone a clip from the special. Here's Jack Whitehall in "Settle Down." Take a look at this. -Has anyone else had that moment recently, as well, where you're doing the "I am not a robot" test, you're on your own, in your bedroom, in front of your laptop, and you have failed the "I am not a robot" test so many times that you have that moment where you stop and you go, "[bleep]. Maybe I am a robot!" [ Laughter ] "Maybe this is how robots realize that they're robots, because they just can't work out whether a traffic light consists of the box of lights or the post that it's on, as well!" [ Laughter ] I'm having an existential crisis here. I haven't been able to spot 10 traffic lights in a row! I'm either a robot or a cyclist!" [ Laughter ] -That's how you do it. Jack Whitehall, everybody! His special, "Jack Whitehall: Settle Down," is streaming now on Netflix.